#if they turn i’ll cry

[stupd000]

has anyone noticed we’ve gotten a lot of content with Darlin in their wolf form recently? …

I wonder why….

“Spend some time in your wolf form.”

[the-meme-monarch]

loop my beloved

[tommykinard6]

Should I be eating and resting? Yes. Am I? No, so come join me for a dissertation on Tommy Kinard being lonely.

Edit to add a note since I saw a reblog about it: Tommy has no canonical age right now and Lou is 39, 40 later this year, so that is my basis for saying he’s 39.

Now when I say lonely, I don’t mean that he has no one whatsoever. I can picture him going for drinks with his team or having some Muay Thai buddies that he could call up if he really was inclined. Maybe an old army buddy or two.

But there’s something about Tommy that’s just achingly lonely, both when he was at the 118 and now at Harbor.

Tommy had a broken home, or some other kind of unstable childhood. Maybe his parents split, maybe he was mistreated, maybe he was in the system or was passed around family members. Maybe he was isolated as a child because he was a little overweight (I think Lou said something along those lines) and was bullied. I think Tommy didn’t really have any friends until high school, when puberty hit and maybe he started working out and probably joined the football team. I don’t know if anyone remembers what teenage boys are like, but I can imagine they were the same as they are today back in the 90s/early 00’s. Because around this time, Tommy might’ve started to realize that something was very different about him.

Now this isn’t a meta about how I think Tommy dealt with his sexuality (maybe I’ll do one of those later) but I think he never would’ve risked his football friends knowing even if he himself could acknowledge it, which I doubt. So he messed around, got in trouble with these guys, hung out with the bros, and pretended to be interested in girl talk.

Of course, eventually, his buddies all got girlfriends and he was always the odd one out again.

He didn’t do college. The army was his next step. And I feel like this might have been the first time in his life he wasn’t lonely. He’d learned to blend in by this point and he worked with some great people. But as he started making real friends for the first time, he also started losing them as the war tore them away.

Tommy left the army and joined the fire department. There was an aching hole where the camaraderie of the army had filled previously and with no education beyond a high school diploma, Tommy thought the fire department would replicate that. Not the police though. He’d had enough of guns.

(And ohhhh now so many ideas on his thoughts during the sniper)

But he ended up at the 118 and quickly realized that his team had maybe more of a DADT stance than the army. He realized that he had to put on an elaborate act to fool his fellow firefighters, who had more time on their hands and more prejudice they were willing to wield to pick apart his life. Tommy, who maybe had only just started to acknowledge he felt differently about guys with less panic than before, had no choice but to backslide. He acted and acted and crafted a person he wasn’t until the day that maybe he was. Sal was his closest buddy at the 118 and Tommy had no doubt that Sal would be one of the first to make his life hell. Gerrard seemed to look at Tommy as some sort of mentee. Boxed in by two notorious bigots, Tommy had never felt more claustrophobically alone.

Chim was the first one to reach out a hand of friendship, or at least the first one that didn’t come with caution tape, but he was also an “other” and Tommy, who was confused and afraid and had just had his captain call his bluff on his fake girlfriend, lashed out. Then he allowed Chim in and Chim wasn’t interested in being besties but he was a great drinking buddy and movie buddy and Tommy felt safest around him.

Then Hen came and Tommy watched her get the same treatment he was afraid of. Not that he had to worry about the racism, and he was aware of the privilege, but Hen didn’t exactly hide herself and he watched them bully his lesbian coworker. He let himself get pulled into it all and hated himself for it, but was too cowardly to break away from it. He wasn’t sure why Hen had forgiven him, but she became the only other person on shift he felt even a little safe around other than Howie. But then Chimney and Hen became best friends and Tommy fell to the wayside. They still included him, sure, but they were always a pair and there was something there that Tommy didn’t know but longed for. A closeness he’d never felt.

A best friend. A juvenile idea to him, but one he’d never truly had.

Then Gerrard was gone and Sal got transferred and the 118 moved forward under Captain Nash, but Tommy felt left behind, even in what was the most united A shift team yet. Because he was over 30 and was starting to be unable to ignore everything that he’d had to hide under Gerrard, as he no longer had a distraction from it.

He’d been a pilot in the army, so he transferred to Harbor. And Harbor was great. He wasn’t best buds with anyone (he was starting to think that was never in the cards for him) but his team didn’t carry the same baggage that the 118 had.

So Tommy started to come to terms with himself. He started to date for the first time and came out to his team. And he had several boyfriends, but most couldn’t handle the job or his baggage or the desperate need he had to be wanted. His most long term partner cheated and the one he fell hardest for couldn’t deal when Tommy was injured on the job. Even within his own relationships, he felt like he was destined to stand alone.

Tommy was 39 years old and alone, as always, when Chimney walked back into his life, dragging an adorable and also extremely hot blonde and a stoic brunette that radiated ex military in a way only ex military could know. And then Hen was there and they were trying to rescue their captain and his wife and they clearly loved each other fiercely and like family.

And as Tommy listened, flying through the remnants of a cat 5 hurricane, he thought to himself that he should’ve never left. Simply just never found himself if only that meant being part of the family the 118 was now. However, he knew deep down that he still would’ve been alone and on the outside.

And they rescued the survivors and Tommy thought that was it but then Eddie wanted to hang out. And they liked the same things and had similar experiences and Tommy couldn’t help the hope. Because the loneliness had grown stifling and now he could breathe a little. And then Evan, the cute blonde, wanted a tour of the hanger and he thought that maybe he was being hit on.

And then at the end of it all, Tommy was left realizing that he’d wedged himself between two best friends and that was what happened when he allowed himself to hope. So he went to Evan to apologize. He would get Evan and Eddie to talk to each other and then would fade into the background.

But then Evan was sweet and apologetic and told him that he was part of the 118 family simply by helping them. Tommy couldn’t help it. Here he was, at 39, with a little boy still waiting inside of him to be soothed. And Evan was hot and sweet and Tommy couldn’t help himself.

And he really liked Evan. Evan was adorable. But their first date didn’t go as planned and Tommy knew he was already whipped. So he removed himself before someone could get hurt. Evan deserved better and so did he, even if the loneliness was stifling again.

But then Evan texted him and looked at him with sparkling blue eyes over too sweet coffee and wanted him. Him. He wanted Tommy and to have something with Tommy and he wanted him to come to his sister’s wedding with him.

And Tommy looked at him and saw someone who could finally fill the ache he’d felt his whole life. He saw a man who he knew he wanted to take a chance with. All he had to do was jump.

And he did.

And it wasn’t solved, not immediately and never fully. Too many wounds were left gaping for too long to ever heal. But for the first time in his life, at 39, with the 118 surrounding him and Buck as the sunshine at his side, Tommy finally felt at peace.

[dropletsofraine]

hm.

[sufferu]

Admittedly one of the reasons Subaru is trapped in his jar in my fic is because, if he wasn’t, the entire fic would very quickly devolve into hyper-indulgent “Subaru gets repeatedly smothered by cuddles” fluffy nonsense.

[ryomaandgundhamkin]

Okay. I have a lot to explain. First:

Listen- I am REALLY sorry for not drawing a lot. For the last month (by this point it’s probably been a month), I’ve been really, really behind on drawing and TSAMS lore. I don’t really feel that I’m apart of the fandom anymore. I just lost all my energy to actually dedicate myself to the lore of the show. I feel exhausted. Plus, school isn’t helping. For the last two weeks it’s been kind of hard for me, I mean aside from my trip, but then I had to catch up on work then do 1 project. I had two tests today.

Art block is hitting hard and I hope you understand. I just feel like I want to draw, I have a lot of ideas, I just can never get a result I actually like. It’s a process of drawing and deleting all my progress. I feel like it’s either 1., I make too much art, which in turn exhausts me further, or 2., I don’t make art at all. I’ve just been lurking around Tumblr and going around, like “oh I’m so going to draw this”, but I’m realizing that I definitely do not have enough energy to draw anything TSBS right now.

My main focus at the moment is school and school only. I hope you understand this because I had a shit ton of late work I had to do from the days I missed while I was away (7 fucking pages), and I had to zoom through that, THEN I had the science test. I had my math test today and I did well and now I’m tired af. I just don’t feel like drawing in general, period. Coloring maybe, but I just have too many things to do OUTSIDE of drawing online on here. Basically this is just me taking a small break. I’m sorry that content may be slower on my account, but I feel like I need this or else I will eventually just actually pass out from the stress. No one did nothing wrong aside from me. I’m just torturing myself. My brain hurts and my sleep schedule is damaged. Planning events is NOT fun and every weekend, I seriously just want a break, but OH someone’s coming over or we’re doing something or we’re going somewhere. I seriously cannot take a break unless I have NOTHING TO DO, which is kind of impossible considering my mother’s plans.

I just don’t feel like drawing. I feel like I’m starting to sleep more early everyday. My mind is a mess. It hurts. It hurts.

I’m just so sorry about this. I hope you guys understand I may not be in the best mental state (even if I act like I’m not, and same at with school, @kiwikay3 …), and I don’t feel like drawing for a bit. Just expect me to give you updates once in a while and maybe that’s it. Just don’t expect a ton of content or doodles from me.

This problem has nothing to do with you guys, I just want you to know this and know what to expect from me from now on. I’ll catch up with all my art requests and things like that eventually, I just feel like school has taken a toll on me. On my health. But, just myself overall. I don’t want anyone to worry. I’ll probably be active less and less so it’s fine if you unfollow me or something because I feel like I’ve already failed you all, and I’ve already reached the peak of my art journey (mid-October or so). I’m so sorry but I feel like when I write these I just get so emotional and I can’t really describe any of it in words. I’m probably going to sleep after this before I actually start crying. I’m actually so annoyed and sad and I just feel so many emotions. My brother is not helping, because HE does not care about his physical health so me and my parents do instead.

Sorry. Thank you all.

I feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown fuck i hate this

[lulu2992]

“Welcome.”

In exactly two years in the timeline of “that fic I’ll never write”, on August 29th, 2026, Taylor and John will welcome their first child, a daughter named Eleanor Hope Seed.

I picked this middle name because it felt right (I doubt I’m the only one who’s had this idea for a Seed baby and/or Far Cry 5 OC) and her first name was inspired by Eleanor Lamb from BioShock 2, the character who awakened my parental instincts.

Between 2026 and 2035, the couple will have a total of four children. In fact, until very recently (about a month and a half ago), I would have said three, but I decided to also include a last son, originally from a sort of New Dawn AU I had. It suddenly made me very sad that he didn’t exist in the “main” timeline, so I fixed that :)

[riceisgood123]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYONE!!! KLANCE ARE IN LOVE IN EVERY UNIVERSE ❤️💙

[daily-teki]

Wait if Hatsune Miku is your cousin then by default shin and kanna(+Kugie)are also your cousin, imagine the family meeting.

Day 129: I think the family relationship might be… a little bit problematic

[marimbles]

I’m not like other 22 year olds…I’m 29

[luminarai]

post episode 3, I’m still firmly, hilariously convinced that armand is lying through his teeth about fucking lestat, which really speaks to assad zaman’s acting talent because that man is so fine, just on a completely superficial level, beyond handsome, can’t fault louis for risking it all and inviting him up to the hotel room, but the entire time that he was going ‘oh yeah I was totally sexy and normal and lestat told me he loved me like all the time and his boring violinist boyfriend was sooo jealous anyway then lestat ghosted all of france it’s a total mystery’ I was instinctively screaming ‘you’re a fucking liar armand’ like tom hopper megaphone yelling at eddie redmayne for lying about his horseback riding abilities, except for tom hopper it was me kicking my feet in delight on my couch and instead of eddie redmayne being able to ride horses it was armand being able to ride lestat

[chaosduckies]

Restoration (Chapter 12)

The chapter that will hopefully fix everything that I’ve done! :D (I regret it all) I don’t really know how to feel about the way I wrote this since my editor and other reader were not available, sooo I’m just gonna wing it and hope it turned out okay. I’m very sorry 😞. Otherwise, enjoy!

Word Count: 3.8k

CW: loneliness, that’s everything!

12- Nathan 

I lazily opened my eyes, pushing myself off the mysteriously soft fabric underneath me. It feels like I’ve been asleep for days… I looked to where my alarm clock should be, but only seeing everything around me enlarged and up to a bigger scale. Oh right, I feel asleep on Ryker. Oh. I fell asleep on Ryker. 

I let out a yelp, studying the area where I was at and seeing that the fabric underneath me belonged to his pillow. Oh god I really slept on top of him… My thoughts were thrown into a panic as I tried to wrap my mind around everything. I just remember it being cold outside, Ryker scooping me up extremely quickly, crying… Oh gosh. I cried in front him. I groaned, leaning back until my back hit the cushiony surface behind me. I-I was crying on him and he was there hugging me close to him the entire time which I mean it didn’t even feel bad it actually felt amazing but I can’t believe I just did all of that in front of him and oh my gosh it just felt so good to cry and- 

Calm down Nathan. 

I took a few deep breaths, calming down my fast heart rate and looking around again. I couldn’t see his alarm clock from where I was at, but I did smell something amazing. My stomach growled, but I just ignored it like I have been for the past week and a half. Where was Ryker at anyways? I didn’t want to move from my spot in case he comes back in looking for me. I owe him such a big apology… Why did he stick around for all of that last night? He could’ve left me. But he didn’t. And that just made my heart flutter at the thought that he cares about me. 

A few minuets later, Ryker walked in, peeking his head in as I hurried to sit up. I heard him chuckle a bit before walking in, he had a different  pair of sweatpants and sweater that had a skull with roses on it than last night. How did he even get me on to the pillow in the first place? Maybe that shouldn’t be the first question I ask. I’ll just stay quiet for a while. 

“Morning.” He sat a little ways from me, leaning against this arms behind him. 

“Morning.” I replied back in a tired voice. What do I do? I was alone with Ryker. In his room. Sitting on his bed that I couldn’t get off of on my own even if I tried. Was he going to leave me here? Or would he kick me out and send me back home? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did either of those things. I’m still in shock that I just slept on him last night, and he’s sitting next to as if nothing ever happened. 

“You slept for a while. I had to move you onto a pillow.” Ryker laughed, a light shade of pink on his cheeks. I brought my knees up to my chest, nodding embarrassingly. 

“Sorry.” 

“Hm? For what?” Ryker turned his head to face me, making me feel even more insecure than I already was. Did I really have to answer that question? I felt my face heat up just the slightest bit as I sucked in a shaky breath. 

“For… s-sleeping. On you.” Ever since Lucky had asked me that stupid question a month ago my mind has been all over the place. I’m so confused almost all of time every time I’m around Ryker. I question myself everyday if I really like him or if I’m just confusing my emotions with friendship. Usually I would have asked my mom for help but… she wasn’t here anymore. And that just made my entire world come crumbling down to the ground. 

“Oh that? You were tired. I don’t mind. I kind of fell asleep a little after you anyways,” Ryker sighed, laying down on his back and facing the ceiling, “I didn’t want to wake you up, so I just left you there and checked up on you every half hour.” 

I nodded my head, still feeling a little awkward. Should I go home? Thank him for everything, go home, then see him when I’m forced to go back to school? A part of me thinks that was the way I should do this, but another part of me thinks Ryker would really help me. I mean, he has gone through this before because his parents also… You know. Maybe he knows how to help me? I haven’t really been able to take the best care of myself, and I just feel like Ryker might be able to help me get back up on my feet. Then again, I could just go to a therapist so I wouldn’t waste Ryker’s time. But since when has a therapist been able to help you? 

My mind wasn’t wrong. 

“Are you hungry? There’s some breakfast in the kitchen.” Ryker asked, sitting back up and waiting for my answer. Physically? I was starving. Mentally? No. Not even in the slightest bit. At least I figured out what that amazing smell was. 

“N-no. But thank you th-“ It was then in that moment that my stomach decided to growl. Not loud, but loud enough for Ryker to hear and smile sadly at me. He offered his hand palm-up, waiting just as patiently as ever. I always admired him for that. I don’t know how he puts up with me half the time. 

I carefully stood up, a little wobbly on the cushiony surface below me. I tried my best to keep my balance, clinging to his thumb as soon as I could so I wouldn’t roll off his pillow. Now that would be something to be embarrassed about. Luckily I didn’t. 

The kitchen smelled like pancakes, which just so happens to be what I was craving right now. How did Ryker even know? What surprised me even more was that there were human-sized plates sitting on the counter, like they were just waiting for me. For the first time in forever I really did feel like eating. Why did it take me to go through all this just to be able to eat and feel just the tiniest bit better about myself? 

Ryker set me down, saying that If I wanted I could cut off my own piece of pancake while he went to go grab a blanket from another room. I gladly did, my body enjoying the much needed energy that I’ve been neglecting it for the past two weeks. It tasted just like my moms… I blinked back the tears. There was no time to think about that. I didn’t want to cry in front of Ryker again. Plus, I didn’t really want to cry anymore in general. I knew it felt good, but I’m trying not to seem like such a burden for people. 

It took Ryker a while to dig out an extra blanket from the closet, because by the time I finished my plate he was barely coming back. I placed my plate with the other dirty dishes where I hope would be the best place to keep it until I can wash it later. Again, I didn’t want to be a burden while I stayed here. 

Ryker sat on top of the kitchen island across from me right after he threw the blanket on one of the couches. I sighed, taking my phone out of my pocket and seeing that it was already midday. How long was I asleep for? Nearly twelve hours? I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I guess I’ll go home in a little bit. I don’t really want to though, but I can’t just keep leeching off Ryker for forever. I’ll go to school, finish it up, and then I don’t know after that. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. 

“When will you go back to school?” Ryker asked. I didn’t have answer in reality. I didn’t want to go back, but my parents would probably like me to finish it up with only five months left. 

“Next week? M-maybe? I, um, don’t know.” I stared at the countertop below me, trying not to make eye contact. Was I the reason he wasn’t going to school either? I should have answered his calls while I was in the hospital… Maybe then I wouldn’t have been this bad. 

Ryker pushed himself off the counter as he laid his hand flat out in front of me. I stood up, lifting myself up onto his palm and sitting down in the middle before he started moving to the living room and carefully sitting down against the armrest with me still in hand. Usually he lets me down first. 

“D-did you want me to m-move?” I asked, looking back up at him. He shook his head with a smile on his face, “Not unless you’re uncomfortable.” 

I wasn’t. The opposite actually. But I wasn’t going to just blindly show that to him. At least not again. 

Ryker put on a movie, which I wasn’t really watching but pretended to anyways. I kept thinking about why he wasn’t even complaining about me being here. Why I didn’t hate the fact that he didn’t even acknowledge what had happened last night even though I wanted to forget all about it. Oh. He knew I didn’t want to talk about it. 

In truthfulness, I have no idea what I’m even doing anymore. Everything is so confusing now. What do I do at this point? I wouldn’t even be here if we had never gone to that stupid store in the first place. I would have been happy, my life would have been turned around for the better and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. Instead, it’s the complete opposite and I’m having to rely on everyone just to help me. I felt useless. Or maybe that wasn’t the word I was looking for. 

———Ryker———

I guess I made the right call to not talk about what happened last night. Nathan looked exhausted. Physically and mentally. I know how it feels, but obviously there was something else bothering him besides what happened this past month. I didn’t know if it had to do with me, or not, but I really just wanted to help. Not be the reason he’s suffering even more. 

I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, and I could tell neither was Nathan. I didn’t know whether to turn off the movie or to just leave it on. What would be the right call here? From what I’m getting at he just didn’t want to be lonely right now, which I mean of course, but I guess he’s also touch starved? As far as I knew Nathan was never really a fan of anyone touching him, and now all of a sudden he clings to me like a lost puppy, and every time my heart falters for just a split second. 

“Hey, um, do you just want to hang out in my room? Neither of us are really watching the movie sooo.” I laughed, trying to cheer him up. A slight smile cracked on his face as he nodded his head. At least it’s something. How long did it take for me to get better? Three months? Four? I hope he doesn’t take as long as me. 

I turned everything off, grabbed the extra blanket that took me forever to dig out of the closet, and shut the door behind me after I walked into my room. Did I know what we were going to do? No, not in the least. I was just trying to keep his mind off of everything, and I have zero idea if it’s working or not, but I think I’m doing a decent job. 

“Ryker,” Nathan played with his hands while I cleared off my desk. I turned my head to him, waiting for the rest of the sentence, “Never… never mind.” He sighed in defeat, sliding off my slightly tilted palm and onto the black wooden desk. I did want to know what he was going to say, but I can wait. Instead, I just nodded my head, sitting down in my chair and grabbing one of the small sketchbooks I have. I haven’t really drawn anything for a while, and while I was extremely insecure about other people watching me draw, Nathan would be the only exception. And that’s coming from a person with five younger siblings. 

Nathan sat a little closer, interested in what I was doing. I flipped to any empty page, not even knowing what I wanted to sketch in the first place. I leaned to the side, my hand holding my head up as I just scribbled all over the paper aimlessly holding that would spark something in my clouded mind. Lately it’s been a little lonely, but that was just because nearly the entire school was on that field trip to some amusement park. I’m too used to having so many people around me. 

I wasn’t really paying attention to the time, nor whatever the heck I was conjuring up on the paper. It jus kind of looked like a dead cheery blossom tree at this point. It wasn’t bad, but not exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Which was nothing, but still. I sighed, placing my pencil down in the middle of the book and apparently not even realizing that Nathan was trying to climb over my arm I involuntarily placed in front of him. I didn’t dare move a single muscle as he struggled to lift himself up onto my wrist, dragging his leg onto the other side, then nearly falling over as he tried to bring his other one across. I started laughing without even meaning to as soon as he slid down back onto the desk. 

“Sorry, sorry,” I apologized, moving my arm away from him as he hid his face from me, “It’s just that you could have asked me to move. But I guess that way works too.” I heard a quiet chuckle right before he turned to look, his jaw immediately dropping the second he sees it. I bit the side of my cheek, suddenly subconscious about myself. 

“Woah.” Nathan kept studying it before I decided to softly close the book in front of him and shove it back in the cubby I pulled it out from. Subconscious wins. 

Nathan turned back to me, a worried look on his face. Is he worried about me? It should be the entire opposite! But still, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he cares so much about me. I had high hopes that after we graduated we would stay friends, but I still had no idea. Maybe he had his own plans. 

I checked my phone, reading that it was already three in the afternoon. How long was I drawing for? I sighed, leaning back in my chair and watching Nathan sit down and play with his hands again. I felt really tired, but I didn’t want to leave Nathan alone. Usually when my siblings are gone I try my best to clean up as much as I can and get as much rest as I can. It’s nearly impossible to keep up with everyone during school. My bed honestly looked as welcoming as ever right now. 

Last night, in truth, I didn’t get much sleep. How could I? I had a small human practically passed out on my chest and I didn’t want to wake him up. Plus, I kind of freaked out because I didn’t know what to do and I knew what could happen if he stayed on me while I was asleep. I tried my hardest to stay awake, but there were times when I fell asleep and found Nathan in the same spot as before. Still, there was still the fact that he slept on me. I didn’t mind at all. My mind was all over the place, I was a little flustered, but I realized that he must’ve been pretty tired to fall asleep like that. There was no way he would have willingly done that, right? 

“Do you… want me to go back home? I don’t want to, um, bother you.” Nathan asked, his tone lined with sadness. He think he has to I guess. I turned towards him, not really knowing what to say. He’s never bothered me. I don’t think he could either. It’s just the thought that he would think I would be annoyed by him. I don’t know what happened before he moved to the city, but it’s obviously changed the way he thinks. No other human would think that way unless something bad happened. Something I shouldn’t ask him about right now. 

“Only if you really want to, and you’re not bothering me,” I sucked in a shaky breath, “I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to stay here for a while. Of course you don’t have to! I just noticed you weren’t taking care of yourself and I’d like to help, you know? Plus, what kind of friend would that make me if I didn’t at least try to help you?” 

That technical promise I made to his mom before she passed away was stuck to my mind. I wasn’t going to tell Nathan, and I planned on keeping that promise until he leaves. I do care about him. A lot. And I hated how he looked last night. He looked broken and torn apart, and at the same time fragile and gentle as ever.  

Nathan looked surprised at first before smiling and nodding his head, “I-If you don’t mind.” I didn’t. 

I yawned, covering my mouth and my eyes slightly tearing up, “You don’t mind if I take a nap, right?” He shook his head. I laid my hand out flat, watching him try to keep his balance as he stumbled to the middle of my palm. I was just going to place him on the ground so he could do whatever. I wasn’t going to keep him in my room with nothing to do.

As I lowered my hand down, Nathan’s expression looked confused before he hurried to grab onto my sleeve. I stopped for a second, confused myself. What was he doing? It’s the same thing as last night. Oh. Right. He doesn’t want to be lonely. My heart fell the same way it did last night as I walked over to my bed, keeping Nathan in my hand and getting myself under the covers. So what do I do? 

“S-sorry. I d-don’t even know what I’m doing.” Nathan apologized, slouching down as I pressed my back up against the head of the bed. No matter how many times I tell him it’s fine he won’t believe me. Maybe he’ll believe me if I show it? 

“It’s okay, Nathan. You’re just touch starved, I get it.” I whispered, placing my thumb behind him and laughing when he jumped. He didn’t back away though. I laid down, Nathan still cupped in my hand. Just don’t move your hand. No other words were said between us before my eyes shut closed. 

“If you like him so much why don’t you kiss him already?” 

———Nathan———

Ryker really just fell asleep. How tired was he? I didn’t know, and I was sort of tired myself even after sleeping for twelve hours. But still, I can’t believe I was doing this to him again, and he doesn’t even say anything. He’s allowed me to stay here for a while, which I was so grateful for, but I can’t keep leeching off of him. It was a bad habit, and he won’t always be there for me. I guess I should cherish what I have right now. Ryker was right. I really was touch starved. 

He didn’t really move much, but after about an hour was when he was getting twitchy. I was thinking I should probably move, but I didn’t want to. I was just being selfish, and I was going to tell him that, but I just couldn’t. Would he think the same way? Was he only letting me stay here because he was just sympathizing? That doesn’t really makes sense if he said he’s going to try to help me. Still, I didn’t erase the possibility. 

It was quiet, and I would have fallen asleep if I hand’s occupied myself with just exploring his room from the view I was at. Otherwise, I was just laying down in his palm still, hanging onto the little part of the cuff of his sleeve. Then, Ryker started twitching again, this time somehow gently getting me in a fist and bringing me close. The worst part about it was that I couldn’t get out even if I tried. 

I was just slightly freaking out. He was basically holding me like I was a small stuffed animal right up against his chest as he stirred around for a little. My face turned a bright red as Ryker yawned again, groggily opening his eyes and opening up his palm I was in. The panic in my chest diminished as he blinked away the bags under his eyes and smiled down at me. I smiled right back. I wouldn’t tell him about that. Plus, it’s not like I was hurt anyways. 

Ryker pressed his thumb against my back gently, stretching out the rest of his limbs before sitting up and pressing his back up against the wall. I completely forgot about the blush before he squinted and weakly chuckled before wrapping me in a hug. Well, he was only pinching me between two of his fingers but I get the gesture. I just didn’t know why. But it felt amazing all the same. 

Actually, this entire day it seemed like I had forgotten about all that happened. I couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I’ll just have to hope for the best. I’d have to thank Ryker for that. 

“You feel better?” Ryker asked. I nodded my head in response. I’ve never felt better. He yawned again, covering his mouth and bringing his knees closer to his chest. He studied me for a while before sighing and getting up. What was that about? I had no idea. I didn’t even know what I was doing today. All I knew was that I wanted nothing more than to just be held and safe and wanted. Which was everything Ryker was giving me. 

“Do you like Ryker?” 

I stopped breathing for a second, losing my focus on everything around me. That stupid question again? I’m pretty sure I don’t. Right? I was just mistaking my feelings for friendship. Right? My heart started beating faster when Ryker looked down to check on me. 

What was this?

——————

Again, my editor and beta reader was not available (they’re the same person but still) so this probably turned out to be one of the worst chapters or you guys actually like it and I’m just over thinking this TwT

I hope you guys enjoyed it though! Chapter 13 will be the last one! But I do have some little scenes after the story I want to do sooo they’re not going away anytime soon don’t worry :D

Taglist: @da3dm

[arisveah]

Lonely victors

[appallinnballin]

my yuri

[amazingmerci]

VIKTOR

[pierregaslays]

:(