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Yeah I don’t tend to just focus on one thing, apparently.

Runaway IF: Wilhelm Intro

It had been nearly a full year since the dual battles against the White Whale and the Archbishop of Sloth.

The battle with the White Whale had been no less than fourteen long years in the making, each one filled with research upon research, alliances upon alliances, preparations upon preparations. When the time had finally come to face the beast, it had been met with an army of gargantuan proportions, facilitated by a bargain between three separate royal factions otherwise competing against one another for the throne, and the battle henceforth become a symbol not just of strength, and courage, and constitution, but of unity and trust. The battle against Sloth, meanwhile, had been as unexpected as they come, with most on the field only learning of the coming fight hours beforehand — and yet it had been even more successful, with not a single soul falling prey to what had once been the deadliest Archbishop of them all.

By all means, the anniversary was one that should have been looked at with triumph, and Wilhelm should have been preparing to celebrate the occasion. But unfortunately — on top of the ill that was his Lady’s memory loss, which had occurred during that same three-day period — this would also mark the anniversary of the loss of something unaccountably precious.

“We’ve got nyews from the Anyastasia Camp,” Felix announced. It only took one look at the exhaustion on the healer’s face for Wilhelm to guess what the news was likely about.

Natsuki Subaru had been the key player in both victories, to the point where even the vainest of the knights and noblemen would not dare to dismiss his contribution — and to the point where Wilhelm himself would have dragged to the arena anyone who did such a thing in his presence. It was him who had recognized signs of the Whale’s arrival, it was him who had drawn first blood, it was him who had rallied the troops when their courage began to fail them, it was him who had volunteered to bait the beast for hours on end — at one point even shooting himself into the sky to bring the enraged creature thundering down behind him — and it was him who had proposed the usage of the Great Tree to finally trap the thing — and after that, it had been none other than Natsuki Subaru who had organized and led the great attack against Sloth.

And then, not even two days later, this great hero had decided to run away like a dog.

“A meeting in Priestella?” Wilhelm repeated.

“Cruschie finalized the details earlier,” Felix said. A flicker of hope flitted through his face. “Anyastasia-sama believes that she’s found a lead concerning her — condition.”

That was great news! Wilhelm gave a broad smile. “I’m sure this lead will be one worth following,” he assured the youth.

“Well.” Felix chewed his lip. “There is one other thing…”

Wilhelm was still Crusch’s attendant, but in recent months he had also taken on a good portion of the responsibility regarding the hunt for their ally’s missing self-proclaimed knight. Generous as always, Crusch had been remarkably accommodating of his personal stakes in bringing the boy back home, allowing him to largely lead the charge with regards to the Crusch Camp’s part of the nationwide manhunt — even if this meant that he was not by his side quite as much as he likely should have been, nowadays. This meant that this time, too, he had been absent when such arrangements were being made — or when such news was being delivered.

Perhaps Wilhelm would not have cared so much, even with his boundless gratitude towards the young hero, if it were a case of a random eccentric. But even outside of that show of bravery, even outside of him having formed an alliance with his liege, even outside of him granting the old man his greatest wish…the true reason for his fury was of a much less extravagant nature.

The truth was that Wilhelm had simply grown very fond of this boy over the short week for which he had known him. He had seen Heinkel’s mischievous determination in his efforts to bribe him with tea during that initial visit, something like Reinhard in his youthfulness — something like Theresia in that compassionate, gentle soul underlying everything else. He had even seen something like his younger self in that naive devotion to a beautiful girl, in that abrasive attitude that had nearly gotten Subaru killed at the Royal Selection Ceremony, to the point where the same motions that had earned the kid the ire of nearly every knight present had only succeeded in weaseling him ever closer to Wilhelm’s own beating heart. The White Whale aside, Wilhelm would not have agreed to train just anyone in that field outside of the Karsten Manor.

And then there was that look in his eyes…

Perhaps Wilhelm should have paid more attention to that look when he’d had the chance.

“A seizure?” he repeated.

“Or some kind of psychotic episode,” Felix said dully. “According to Anyastasia-sama’s report from the Iron Fang they nyearly had him — were taking him out for drinks and everything — but then he suddenly started freaking out. Clawing at his eyes, banging his head into the wall, screaming, crying — it took four of her mercenyaries to hold him down.” He rolled his shoulder. “Afterwards, he manyaged to organize a defensive manyeuver among the forces at the outpost, which ended in the demise of the Great Rabbit.”

Wilhelm had heard of the defeat of the second Great Mabeast earlier that day. This was the first he was hearing of Subaru’s breakdown prior to the incident — or of his general involvement.

Not for the first time, Wilhelm imagined himself forcing Subaru to pick his switch from the bush — the same one he had sent a younger Heinkel to, whenever he misbehaved — like the reckless, foolish, inconsiderate, childish brat that he was. And then tucking him in bed somewhere safe and warm and well-guarded where he couldn’t get himself hurt anymore.

“Emilia-sama…” he faltered.

Felix averted his eyes. “Anyastasia-sama wants to tell her everything in person,” he said quietly.

Which would happen at their upcoming meeting in Priestella, most likely. Wilhelm wondered if this was the true reason for the merchant princess to have organized such an event.

“All we knyow for nyow,” Felix continued, “is that Subaru-kyun is likely even worse off than we thought.”

Wilhelm clenched the handle of his sword so hard he thought he heard it creak beneath his grip.

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For a guy who uses a whip Subaru sure is submissive

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Do you think Emilia suffer/may suffer from " Creator's Pet " syndrome? It seems to me she does fit two of them: Hated and despised by some fans Loved (or worshipped) by the writer(tappei),is his favorite

I think that’s her main problem, tbh — and honestly, it’s the only real writing critique that I have about Re:Zero as a whole. It doesn’t matter to me what other fans think about her character in this regard: that’s always like. A bit of a coin flip, who exactly is gonna become the widespread favorite or whipping boy. What matters to me is that Tappei 1) leans on what he seems to consider her inherent likability, often without actually justifying it to the audience, and 2) is terrified of actually making her unlikeable.

That first point first: Tappei tends to Assume that the audience likes Emilia just as much as he does, and because of this I feel like he doesn’t tend to lay the groundwork necessary to actually make that the case.

This is pretty subjective, I don’t have a whole lot of really objective moments to point to here, so someone else might think I’m totally off the mark — but I feel like sometimes we’re expected to believe that Emilia is some amazingly capable and talented person while the moments where she’s actually allowed to back it up are few and far between. Most of them are also — honestly really simple? And very much tied up in her being a super powerful fighter, instead of in her being intelligent, or quick-witted, or even in her being particularly empathetic. That last one works a LITTLE bit, because that’s basically the whole reason Subaru fell so hard for her, but even then I think I can count on one hand the number of times Emilia’s boundless kindness has actually earned her a powerful character moment/victory in the main storyline (first loop of Arc 1 + the reveal that she always stopped to help Plum, Lap Pillow Scene, Emilia’s conversation with Madelyn…?? Maybe there’s something in her conversation with Ram in Arc 4???) and otherwise it’s only really Referenced rather than Shown. And when that’s one of your LEAD CHARACTERS, it’s just not enough.

The second point, though, is the one that I actually consider more important: Emilia isn’t given enough moments where she’s allowed to be genuinely unlikeable.

The whole reason why Subaru is such a beloved character is because he’s allowed to be a fuck-up sometimes. He is allowed to fall, and fall HARD, and get raked through the coals so bad for it that you can still taste the blood three arcs later. Fuck, he’s allowed to fuck up so bad that he becomes the Reason so many people straight up dropped the first season. And that makes him interesting, and multifaceted, and it makes his good moments mean so much more. This is what I consider the Secret to good character writing: if you want the audience to like that character, give them moments where they are genuinely, unapologetically ugly. This is why Bakugou is the best character in BNHA (fight me): Bakugou is allowed to be UGLY.

And the thing is: Tappei doesn’t normally HAVE this problem. Ram comes off like she’s being a fucking asshole for basically no reason, Otto is a conniving little shit, Julius introduced himself by beating the everloving snot out of the then-self-insert character, Felt abandoned Subaru to get beaten bloody in an alley in her very first scene, Anastasia, Priscilla, and Crusch all had a moment where they basically spat in Subaru’s face (even if Anastasia was trying to help it was very much a Tough Love moment), Wilhelm basically caused the Astrea Family Circus, Rem gets all of Arc 7 to throw her very carefully constructed Waifu persona completely out the window — fuck, Subaru is the MAIN CHARACTER and Arc 3 is basically just “Subaru Cringe Compilation.” So when Emilia is basically the only character who isn’t allowed to be ugly — it stands out, and not in a good way.

We have had Emilia as the secondary lead for basically eight arcs at this point (six if you don’t count the Vollachia Saga), and — look, I’m not an Emilia hater, but can you really say that she has anywhere near as much depth as Subaru does, or even as much as some of the secondary characters? She just doesn’t, or if she does then it’s not adequately explored, and it’s because she’s not allowed to be Nasty sometimes. In fact — there is exactly one moment I can think of where she’s genuinely, unambiguously allowed to be in the wrong: Arc 4, when she runs away from everyone to hide from her responsibilities currently threatening to crush her and has to be found and chewed out by Subaru. And it is one of her BEST moments. Arc 4 in general is considered Emilia’s greatest arc so far, and it is BECAUSE she was allowed to have a moment where she was WRONG.

But Tappei has basically never given us another moment like that because he wants the audience to like her, and at some point it just — look, at some point the hand of the author becomes obvious. When you have basically every character Emilia meets talk about how much they like her and have That define her kindness more than any actual Moments on her part, when you refuse to make even the most vicious of characters dislike or talk shit about her despite everyone else getting a chance to earn someone else’s ire in some form or another, when you spend two whole arcs away from her and then immediately open back in on how amazing she is without even giving us a reminder about Why she’s supposed to be so amazing (having another character describe her as amazing doesn’t count) — it becomes too obvious that Tappei just Really Wants the audience to like Emilia, and at some point That Alone becomes aggravating enough to make people biased against her just on principle.

Anyway those are my thoughts lol. This is legit the only real criticism I, personally, have of the story — but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t aggravate me a LITTLE bit. I don’t want to like Emilia, I want to LOVE her — I want to love her as much as Tappei does — but she has to earn it like everyone else, and Tappei seems a little to adverse to actually letting her Do That.

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Every once in a while a cluster of fics all following a very specific trend pops up on Ao3 surrounding my favorite character that just leaves me baffled.

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As much as I have joked about this image (i.e., made one (1) joke about it)

I do think there is something really poetic about a gluttony archbishop, someone who feasts on both the human experience and the relationships formed throughout that experience, acting more like a beast than a person

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I just realized that Tsugihagu may have been saved if only Rem’s memories still existed.

If Subaru killed Rem and read her book of the dead, he would have seen her From Zero speech. He would have seen his old self spell everything out, once and for all. No other character has a scene like that with him, and with Rem’s memories gone her book was blank.

That…

Like I brushed it off at the start, but suddenly that detail feels INSANELY important.

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im trying to finish another fic oneshot this week…. gonna wait a while to post it for Reasons but also bc i just published earlier today wkdndn but ye :3 its omegaverse

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Hi! Want to congratulate you on your fanfic entries, they're amazing to read.

I've been following your blog for à while and seeing your writing improve over time has been very cool. You're doing great!

Just have à question about your react fic, how should I picture the cast sitting arrangements? Because I don't really get where they're sitting with Subaru's cage(Subaru getting sealed is funny btw). Is the cage somehow stuck in the middle of the theater or is it by their side? Sorry, I'm a little bit confused

Also subaru having mental breakdowns is entertaining to read (Tappei has ruined me)

Thanks a bunch! :D I’m glad you’ve been enjoying it so far — hope to have something I can actually publish as a full chapter soon!

As for the seating arrangements — they’re pretty vague, but basically, Subaru is on the far side of the room in an unbreakable glass cage with a noticeable separation between him and everyone else. The Camps are intermingling a bit, but the order is basically the Emilia Camp, the Anastasia Camp, the Crusch Camp, and the Felt Camp — with the Emilia Camp being closest to Subaru. All of them are in earshot of one another, though they can speak quietly amongst themselves if they don’t want anyone else to hear.

(And yes, everyone loves revving up the chainsaw when Subaru’s involved, don’t they? :3 I’m no better than Tappei in that regard lmaoo)

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GUESS WHO FINALLY GOT UN-SHADOWBANNED

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I think in the same way there's a 90/10 rule with horror and comedy (horror works best when it's 90% horror and 10% comedy and vice versa) there's a 90/10 rule for some relationships in fiction that's like. Wholesome and fucked up. A good friendship is at its most compelling when it's also 10% a bit fucked up. Fucked up relationship is at its most compelling when there's at least 10% of something actually sweet and substantive within. Do you get me

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i’m sorry but for the back to zero au i can’t help but imagine roswaal being like “oh thank god i don’t have to deal with that fucking insane merchant anymore” only for otto to immediately kick in his door like “HEY BOZO THE CLOWN YOU ARENT GETTING RID OF ME THIS EASILY.”

Thank you so much for sharing. This is canon now. Roswaal’s sole respite for those first few days, while everyone is doing literally everything in their power to keep Subaru out of his reach, is that at least he doesn’t have OTTO to deal with. AND THEN HE DOES.

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Theatrics of A Witch by @zeivira fanart timelapse

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What exactly is questionable about Emilia writing and how does her being Subaru knight fix that

Mainly the fact that she’s…kind of a shitty Royal Candidate lol

Like, she isn’t really the one who is leading the Emilia Camp most of the time, or coming up with plans, or — being a King. And when it comes to her relationship with Subaru, despite supposedly being his King Candidate, she’s always the one following HIM. This is even directly contrasted against the other candidates in the Lugunican Papers Side Story, where every other candidate is respectable and a leader in their own right — even Felt, who’s slowly coming into her own — but then Emilia goes along with Subaru’s stupid plan to stage a situation where she saves the reporter from a fake robbery. She’s just — not a good Candidate, and that kind of makes not just her role in the story questionable (we all know she’s not gonna win the selection) but also her agency and how she is as a love interest — which still isn’t perfect (it’s starting to border of flanderization) but it makes a hell of a lot more sense to have her following Subaru like she does if she is his knight, as opposed to just being his love interest.

Also — it’s not like it’s as “questionable” as that part, but it also puts into perspective a lot of their relationship in times of crisis, where she’s the one who wants to protect him while he’s the one who comes up with a plan that’ll save the day. Because of COURSE that’s how her relationship with the guy who is supposed to be her knight works, because they SWITCHED PLACES.

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Okay yeah I can see it.

Broke: Rams lesbian awakening was Emilia

Woke: Natsumi Schwartz was Rams lesbian awakening

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Okay first off, just so you’re aware I live for comments like this lmao — even if I don’t always know how to respond to them just know that it always makes my day when I see em in by inbox, so thanks a bunch!

And second — this is as good a time as any to say that this story DOES have a happy ending. I don’t want to give too many spoilers about what exactly that Happy Ending is, but it DOES exist and it’s what everything else is building up to. (This is the same for basically all my IFs lol, as a rule I don’t really Do bad endings — but with BTZ specifically I actually do have some idea of what exactly I want that happy ending to Be.) And also — I will say, Julius and Subaru, specifically, do already have a very specific resolution planned at the end of all this that I think is very sweet.

Won’t be for a while, though. Julius just marked himself as quite possibly the most terrifying thing Subaru has ever encountered, and this is very much an It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better type of situation. So look forward to that!! :D

I am one step closer to actually publishing something on Ao3 lmao: I wrote the First Scene.

Back to Zero: Opening Scene

“What strong resolve! Nya hear that everyone? All right, one, two, three!”

Just as Ferris brought his hands down to signal the commencement of the duel, Subaru suddenly felt the world go silent. The mutterings of the glowering men in the stands were cut off all at once. The scathing laughter of the onlookers on high came to an abrupt halt. Even the air suddenly felt as though it had frozen around him.

Most confusingly of all, that purple-haired bastard was suddenly staring at him as though he wasn’t quite sure what they were doing here, all the annoyance and anger from before vanished as though it had never been there at all.

Subaru frowned. “Are you having second thoughts all of a sudden?” he asked.

Julius started. The entire stadium seemed to jerk itself awake. “S-Subaru?! Where—“ The man stuttered, then faltered, his eyes darting around with an unexpected level of uncertainty and…something else that Subaru couldn’t put his finger on — which was RICH considering that Julius was the one who dragged him out here to begin with.

Subaru smirked. “Sorry,” he taunted. “But I’m not going to back out now that we’ve started. Well, maybe if you beg me for it first…”

“Wai—“ Ferris’ voice said, but before he could finish that thought Subaru saw Julius’ face shift to something that was somehow both indecipherable and indescribably severe. The change was great enough to make Subaru take an involuntary step back, but swift enough that he couldn’t even finish that minuscule movement — or the accompanying thought that perhaps he had gotten in over his head — before the man had thrown himself across the stadium and smashed his wooden sword up and into Subaru’s chest hard enough to knock him into the air, several things inside of him seeming to crack in its wake.

Subaru choked.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl before his eyes. A tingling numbness spread out from the point of impact, reverberating through his bones, his muscles, his skin, crawling through one after the other as he scrambled to process what had just happened. He had been hit— He was in the air— He had been knocked into the air—

He was in a duel.

He was in a duel with a knight, a knight who had likely been trained as a swordsman for years.

Said knight had knocked him clean off his feet with just a single blow.

Natsuki Subaru was not a knight, no matter what he might have said back in that throne room. The man he had agreed to duel was a knight. In the very first second of this duel, he had been thoroughly beaten in a single blow.

And the duel had only just begun.

The numbness had turned into red-hot agony by the time he smashed back into the ground.

“W-Wai—“ Subaru tried to beg, but Julius didn’t give him the opportunity, slamming his foot into his belly hard enough that he thought he felt something burst inside of him before kicking his side to send him tumbling across the floor. The wooden sword he had been carrying clattered somewhere in the background as he curled in on himself, vomiting all over the pavement. He wasn’t even allowed to do that much in peace, however, because he had just barely managed to catch his breath before the same foot that had kicked him across the grounds to begin with stomped down, breaking his nose and forcing his face into the slurry.

His eyes were swimming— he was choking on something— blood, air, his own puke— the seat of his pants was wet with something he didn’t want to acknowledge—

“Wai— Sto—!” Subaru couldn’t even get the half-baked pleas for mercy out properly between the successive kicks and sword blows, each one knocking him backwards, forwards, left, right — so quickly he could barely keep track of which way was up. He wasn’t even sure he was saying anything anymore— his ears were ringing so badly he couldn’t hear a thing.

It hurts, a voice said inside his head, oddly calm amidst his mind-numbing panic. It hurts. He’s going to kill me. It hurts. I’m going to die again.

For a moment, he saw three thugs scowling down at him from above, in place of his singular opponent. For a moment, he saw Elsa in Julius’ place, the intense look in his eyes twisted into her characteristic smile of sick delight. For a moment, he saw Rem standing above him, her Morning Star baring down on him in place of a sword. For a moment, he saw Ram, blades of wind swarming around her figure like enraged, hate-filled wasps. For a moment, he saw the bared fangs of a wild beast larger than any dog he had ever seen before in his life, with fur that he had once foolishly tried to pet. He was going to bleed out again. He was going to be crushed again. He was going to be cut, stabbed, drained, ripped to shreds—

He was going to die again.

“Sha—“ he choked out, as a last-ditch attempt to shake off the crazed demon that he had found thundering down on him from above. But it was no use: the knight smashed his foot into his face, breaking his jaw and a fair few of his teeth in order to stop the incantation in its tracks.

It wasn’t long after that when Subaru stopped feeling anything anymore.

*

When Subaru opened his eyes again, it was to an unfamiliar ceiling. A substantial part of him was surprised by the development. Out there at the parade grounds, he had been certain that he was about to die.

“Subaru.”

Emilia was sitting there. Subaru turned to face her, already preparing some sort of lighthearted greeting — but the look on her face made the half-formed thought die on his lips.

“Subaru,” Emilia repeated, voice low and miserable. “Subaru— is it true?”

“Is…” Subaru swallowed. He had to summon up his courage to voice his non-answer. “Is what true, Emilia-tan?”

Emilia didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“Hey, it’s not all bad.” Subaru said, trying to smile. “I might have — lost and all, but— I’m still alive, right? That’s all that really matters. I’ll be better by tomorrow, I’m sure…“ Emilia watched him quietly, her eyes wet and red. Had she been crying? He had made her cry, hadn’t he? Stupid, STUPID— “A-And also, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to make things right going forward. I know those rotten old men are — but we’ll show them! You’re too wonderful for them to miss it, all you need is a chance, right? And —” Subaru swallowed. “And I know I — didn’t really make the best show of it just now, but I know I’ll be able to help you make it! All we need is a bit of time and a little bit of luck, and—”

“Why did you come here?”

Subaru stopped.

Emilia’s eyes had hardened to form an expression he had never seen on her face before. It made him want to wilt away from her. “Why did you come here?” she repeated. “You promised to do as I asked, remember?”

“I—“ Subaru may have been able to answer her, if she hadn’t been looking at him like that. But his excuse — because it was an excuse, now that he was being asked to defend himself — it died in his throat. I wanted to be close to you. Those were his true feelings, or at least part of them, but how could he say something so feeble-sounding out loud when she looked so serious?

Emilia waited a moment longer, and then pressed: “Don’t you have anything that you want to say to me, after today?”

Subaru stared at her for a long moment, trying to find the words. “It’s…I know this was a pretty terribly visit,” he said, forcefully nonchalant. “It didn’t go — great — I know that, but I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make sure to — work hard, so I can make sure everyone knows how great you are. We’ll have plenty of time to make things right!”

Emilia didn’t say anything.

He faltered, and then tried again. “It’s not that big a deal, you know,” he said. “One bad day won’t destroy everything. There are always other — other opportunities.”

Emilia stared at him, waiting for — he didn’t quite know what.

“…I didn’t do anything wrong,” Subaru said defensively. “I just — I wanted to be here with you. So I…”

Emilia still didn’t react.

“…You could at least say something?” he said meekly.

Emilia didn’t shout, or slap him, or even get visibly angry. Subaru found himself wishing dearly that she would, because somehow this…this was the worst feeling of all. She stood up calmly, quietly, and when she looked him in the eyes again her gaze was firm and decided.

“Natsuki Subaru,” she declared. “You are hereby released from my service.”

“H-Huh?” Subaru’s voice was small.

“You are banned from the Mather’s Estate, and from any other area connected with my political camp,” she continued. “Failure to comply will result in a severe penalty. If I have to get the knights involved, then I will.”

“W-Wait, Emilia-ta—“

“You will not be allowed to contact me, or ally with my camp, or even approach me if we end up in the same place,” she continued. “You will stay away from my camp, from my dealings, and from anything that I have a hand in. I will never want your help with anything of mine ever again. If we stumble across each other in public and you attempt to approach me, I will not respond to you. If you keep trying to push it, I will take measures to keep you away by force.”

“Y-You need me!” Subaru argued. It came out like a plea. “Emilia, wait, you need—“

“I don’t need you, Subaru,” Emilia said coldly. Subaru flinched violently. “I don’t need your help, or your contributions. I don’t want you near me, I don’t want you acting on my behalf — I never want to so much as see your face again. If you respect me even the slightest bit, you will listen to me and stay out of my sight.”

Subaru felt as though he might puke all over again. Emilia held his stare with a cold expression he had never even imagined could appear on her face. In her amethyst eyes, he saw his own pathetic, agape expression looking back at him.

“You will stay here until someone comes to get you,” he heard Emilia say. “As compensation for everything you have done for me up to this point, I will make sure that you have somewhere to stay hereafter — but his is the last transaction we shall have with one another, of any kind. …Goodbye, Subaru.”

And then she was gone, and Subaru was alone — and he knew he had nobody to blame but himself.

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kid Subaru preparing for mission