#unless I’m overthinking it

[chaosduckies]

Restoration (Chapter 12)

The chapter that will hopefully fix everything that I’ve done! :D (I regret it all) I don’t really know how to feel about the way I wrote this since my editor and other reader were not available, sooo I’m just gonna wing it and hope it turned out okay. I’m very sorry 😞. Otherwise, enjoy!

Word Count: 3.8k

CW: loneliness, that’s everything!

12- Nathan 

I lazily opened my eyes, pushing myself off the mysteriously soft fabric underneath me. It feels like I’ve been asleep for days… I looked to where my alarm clock should be, but only seeing everything around me enlarged and up to a bigger scale. Oh right, I feel asleep on Ryker. Oh. I fell asleep on Ryker. 

I let out a yelp, studying the area where I was at and seeing that the fabric underneath me belonged to his pillow. Oh god I really slept on top of him… My thoughts were thrown into a panic as I tried to wrap my mind around everything. I just remember it being cold outside, Ryker scooping me up extremely quickly, crying… Oh gosh. I cried in front him. I groaned, leaning back until my back hit the cushiony surface behind me. I-I was crying on him and he was there hugging me close to him the entire time which I mean it didn’t even feel bad it actually felt amazing but I can’t believe I just did all of that in front of him and oh my gosh it just felt so good to cry and- 

Calm down Nathan. 

I took a few deep breaths, calming down my fast heart rate and looking around again. I couldn’t see his alarm clock from where I was at, but I did smell something amazing. My stomach growled, but I just ignored it like I have been for the past week and a half. Where was Ryker at anyways? I didn’t want to move from my spot in case he comes back in looking for me. I owe him such a big apology… Why did he stick around for all of that last night? He could’ve left me. But he didn’t. And that just made my heart flutter at the thought that he cares about me. 

A few minuets later, Ryker walked in, peeking his head in as I hurried to sit up. I heard him chuckle a bit before walking in, he had a different  pair of sweatpants and sweater that had a skull with roses on it than last night. How did he even get me on to the pillow in the first place? Maybe that shouldn’t be the first question I ask. I’ll just stay quiet for a while. 

“Morning.” He sat a little ways from me, leaning against this arms behind him. 

“Morning.” I replied back in a tired voice. What do I do? I was alone with Ryker. In his room. Sitting on his bed that I couldn’t get off of on my own even if I tried. Was he going to leave me here? Or would he kick me out and send me back home? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did either of those things. I’m still in shock that I just slept on him last night, and he’s sitting next to as if nothing ever happened. 

“You slept for a while. I had to move you onto a pillow.” Ryker laughed, a light shade of pink on his cheeks. I brought my knees up to my chest, nodding embarrassingly. 

“Sorry.” 

“Hm? For what?” Ryker turned his head to face me, making me feel even more insecure than I already was. Did I really have to answer that question? I felt my face heat up just the slightest bit as I sucked in a shaky breath. 

“For… s-sleeping. On you.” Ever since Lucky had asked me that stupid question a month ago my mind has been all over the place. I’m so confused almost all of time every time I’m around Ryker. I question myself everyday if I really like him or if I’m just confusing my emotions with friendship. Usually I would have asked my mom for help but… she wasn’t here anymore. And that just made my entire world come crumbling down to the ground. 

“Oh that? You were tired. I don’t mind. I kind of fell asleep a little after you anyways,” Ryker sighed, laying down on his back and facing the ceiling, “I didn’t want to wake you up, so I just left you there and checked up on you every half hour.” 

I nodded my head, still feeling a little awkward. Should I go home? Thank him for everything, go home, then see him when I’m forced to go back to school? A part of me thinks that was the way I should do this, but another part of me thinks Ryker would really help me. I mean, he has gone through this before because his parents also… You know. Maybe he knows how to help me? I haven’t really been able to take the best care of myself, and I just feel like Ryker might be able to help me get back up on my feet. Then again, I could just go to a therapist so I wouldn’t waste Ryker’s time. But since when has a therapist been able to help you? 

My mind wasn’t wrong. 

“Are you hungry? There’s some breakfast in the kitchen.” Ryker asked, sitting back up and waiting for my answer. Physically? I was starving. Mentally? No. Not even in the slightest bit. At least I figured out what that amazing smell was. 

“N-no. But thank you th-“ It was then in that moment that my stomach decided to growl. Not loud, but loud enough for Ryker to hear and smile sadly at me. He offered his hand palm-up, waiting just as patiently as ever. I always admired him for that. I don’t know how he puts up with me half the time. 

I carefully stood up, a little wobbly on the cushiony surface below me. I tried my best to keep my balance, clinging to his thumb as soon as I could so I wouldn’t roll off his pillow. Now that would be something to be embarrassed about. Luckily I didn’t. 

The kitchen smelled like pancakes, which just so happens to be what I was craving right now. How did Ryker even know? What surprised me even more was that there were human-sized plates sitting on the counter, like they were just waiting for me. For the first time in forever I really did feel like eating. Why did it take me to go through all this just to be able to eat and feel just the tiniest bit better about myself? 

Ryker set me down, saying that If I wanted I could cut off my own piece of pancake while he went to go grab a blanket from another room. I gladly did, my body enjoying the much needed energy that I’ve been neglecting it for the past two weeks. It tasted just like my moms… I blinked back the tears. There was no time to think about that. I didn’t want to cry in front of Ryker again. Plus, I didn’t really want to cry anymore in general. I knew it felt good, but I’m trying not to seem like such a burden for people. 

It took Ryker a while to dig out an extra blanket from the closet, because by the time I finished my plate he was barely coming back. I placed my plate with the other dirty dishes where I hope would be the best place to keep it until I can wash it later. Again, I didn’t want to be a burden while I stayed here. 

Ryker sat on top of the kitchen island across from me right after he threw the blanket on one of the couches. I sighed, taking my phone out of my pocket and seeing that it was already midday. How long was I asleep for? Nearly twelve hours? I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I guess I’ll go home in a little bit. I don’t really want to though, but I can’t just keep leeching off Ryker for forever. I’ll go to school, finish it up, and then I don’t know after that. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. 

“When will you go back to school?” Ryker asked. I didn’t have answer in reality. I didn’t want to go back, but my parents would probably like me to finish it up with only five months left. 

“Next week? M-maybe? I, um, don’t know.” I stared at the countertop below me, trying not to make eye contact. Was I the reason he wasn’t going to school either? I should have answered his calls while I was in the hospital… Maybe then I wouldn’t have been this bad. 

Ryker pushed himself off the counter as he laid his hand flat out in front of me. I stood up, lifting myself up onto his palm and sitting down in the middle before he started moving to the living room and carefully sitting down against the armrest with me still in hand. Usually he lets me down first. 

“D-did you want me to m-move?” I asked, looking back up at him. He shook his head with a smile on his face, “Not unless you’re uncomfortable.” 

I wasn’t. The opposite actually. But I wasn’t going to just blindly show that to him. At least not again. 

Ryker put on a movie, which I wasn’t really watching but pretended to anyways. I kept thinking about why he wasn’t even complaining about me being here. Why I didn’t hate the fact that he didn’t even acknowledge what had happened last night even though I wanted to forget all about it. Oh. He knew I didn’t want to talk about it. 

In truthfulness, I have no idea what I’m even doing anymore. Everything is so confusing now. What do I do at this point? I wouldn’t even be here if we had never gone to that stupid store in the first place. I would have been happy, my life would have been turned around for the better and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. Instead, it’s the complete opposite and I’m having to rely on everyone just to help me. I felt useless. Or maybe that wasn’t the word I was looking for. 

———Ryker———

I guess I made the right call to not talk about what happened last night. Nathan looked exhausted. Physically and mentally. I know how it feels, but obviously there was something else bothering him besides what happened this past month. I didn’t know if it had to do with me, or not, but I really just wanted to help. Not be the reason he’s suffering even more. 

I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, and I could tell neither was Nathan. I didn’t know whether to turn off the movie or to just leave it on. What would be the right call here? From what I’m getting at he just didn’t want to be lonely right now, which I mean of course, but I guess he’s also touch starved? As far as I knew Nathan was never really a fan of anyone touching him, and now all of a sudden he clings to me like a lost puppy, and every time my heart falters for just a split second. 

“Hey, um, do you just want to hang out in my room? Neither of us are really watching the movie sooo.” I laughed, trying to cheer him up. A slight smile cracked on his face as he nodded his head. At least it’s something. How long did it take for me to get better? Three months? Four? I hope he doesn’t take as long as me. 

I turned everything off, grabbed the extra blanket that took me forever to dig out of the closet, and shut the door behind me after I walked into my room. Did I know what we were going to do? No, not in the least. I was just trying to keep his mind off of everything, and I have zero idea if it’s working or not, but I think I’m doing a decent job. 

“Ryker,” Nathan played with his hands while I cleared off my desk. I turned my head to him, waiting for the rest of the sentence, “Never… never mind.” He sighed in defeat, sliding off my slightly tilted palm and onto the black wooden desk. I did want to know what he was going to say, but I can wait. Instead, I just nodded my head, sitting down in my chair and grabbing one of the small sketchbooks I have. I haven’t really drawn anything for a while, and while I was extremely insecure about other people watching me draw, Nathan would be the only exception. And that’s coming from a person with five younger siblings. 

Nathan sat a little closer, interested in what I was doing. I flipped to any empty page, not even knowing what I wanted to sketch in the first place. I leaned to the side, my hand holding my head up as I just scribbled all over the paper aimlessly holding that would spark something in my clouded mind. Lately it’s been a little lonely, but that was just because nearly the entire school was on that field trip to some amusement park. I’m too used to having so many people around me. 

I wasn’t really paying attention to the time, nor whatever the heck I was conjuring up on the paper. It jus kind of looked like a dead cheery blossom tree at this point. It wasn’t bad, but not exactly what I had pictured in my mind. Which was nothing, but still. I sighed, placing my pencil down in the middle of the book and apparently not even realizing that Nathan was trying to climb over my arm I involuntarily placed in front of him. I didn’t dare move a single muscle as he struggled to lift himself up onto my wrist, dragging his leg onto the other side, then nearly falling over as he tried to bring his other one across. I started laughing without even meaning to as soon as he slid down back onto the desk. 

“Sorry, sorry,” I apologized, moving my arm away from him as he hid his face from me, “It’s just that you could have asked me to move. But I guess that way works too.” I heard a quiet chuckle right before he turned to look, his jaw immediately dropping the second he sees it. I bit the side of my cheek, suddenly subconscious about myself. 

“Woah.” Nathan kept studying it before I decided to softly close the book in front of him and shove it back in the cubby I pulled it out from. Subconscious wins. 

Nathan turned back to me, a worried look on his face. Is he worried about me? It should be the entire opposite! But still, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he cares so much about me. I had high hopes that after we graduated we would stay friends, but I still had no idea. Maybe he had his own plans. 

I checked my phone, reading that it was already three in the afternoon. How long was I drawing for? I sighed, leaning back in my chair and watching Nathan sit down and play with his hands again. I felt really tired, but I didn’t want to leave Nathan alone. Usually when my siblings are gone I try my best to clean up as much as I can and get as much rest as I can. It’s nearly impossible to keep up with everyone during school. My bed honestly looked as welcoming as ever right now. 

Last night, in truth, I didn’t get much sleep. How could I? I had a small human practically passed out on my chest and I didn’t want to wake him up. Plus, I kind of freaked out because I didn’t know what to do and I knew what could happen if he stayed on me while I was asleep. I tried my hardest to stay awake, but there were times when I fell asleep and found Nathan in the same spot as before. Still, there was still the fact that he slept on me. I didn’t mind at all. My mind was all over the place, I was a little flustered, but I realized that he must’ve been pretty tired to fall asleep like that. There was no way he would have willingly done that, right? 

“Do you… want me to go back home? I don’t want to, um, bother you.” Nathan asked, his tone lined with sadness. He think he has to I guess. I turned towards him, not really knowing what to say. He’s never bothered me. I don’t think he could either. It’s just the thought that he would think I would be annoyed by him. I don’t know what happened before he moved to the city, but it’s obviously changed the way he thinks. No other human would think that way unless something bad happened. Something I shouldn’t ask him about right now. 

“Only if you really want to, and you’re not bothering me,” I sucked in a shaky breath, “I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to stay here for a while. Of course you don’t have to! I just noticed you weren’t taking care of yourself and I’d like to help, you know? Plus, what kind of friend would that make me if I didn’t at least try to help you?” 

That technical promise I made to his mom before she passed away was stuck to my mind. I wasn’t going to tell Nathan, and I planned on keeping that promise until he leaves. I do care about him. A lot. And I hated how he looked last night. He looked broken and torn apart, and at the same time fragile and gentle as ever.  

Nathan looked surprised at first before smiling and nodding his head, “I-If you don’t mind.” I didn’t. 

I yawned, covering my mouth and my eyes slightly tearing up, “You don’t mind if I take a nap, right?” He shook his head. I laid my hand out flat, watching him try to keep his balance as he stumbled to the middle of my palm. I was just going to place him on the ground so he could do whatever. I wasn’t going to keep him in my room with nothing to do.

As I lowered my hand down, Nathan’s expression looked confused before he hurried to grab onto my sleeve. I stopped for a second, confused myself. What was he doing? It’s the same thing as last night. Oh. Right. He doesn’t want to be lonely. My heart fell the same way it did last night as I walked over to my bed, keeping Nathan in my hand and getting myself under the covers. So what do I do? 

“S-sorry. I d-don’t even know what I’m doing.” Nathan apologized, slouching down as I pressed my back up against the head of the bed. No matter how many times I tell him it’s fine he won’t believe me. Maybe he’ll believe me if I show it? 

“It’s okay, Nathan. You’re just touch starved, I get it.” I whispered, placing my thumb behind him and laughing when he jumped. He didn’t back away though. I laid down, Nathan still cupped in my hand. Just don’t move your hand. No other words were said between us before my eyes shut closed. 

“If you like him so much why don’t you kiss him already?” 

———Nathan———

Ryker really just fell asleep. How tired was he? I didn’t know, and I was sort of tired myself even after sleeping for twelve hours. But still, I can’t believe I was doing this to him again, and he doesn’t even say anything. He’s allowed me to stay here for a while, which I was so grateful for, but I can’t keep leeching off of him. It was a bad habit, and he won’t always be there for me. I guess I should cherish what I have right now. Ryker was right. I really was touch starved. 

He didn’t really move much, but after about an hour was when he was getting twitchy. I was thinking I should probably move, but I didn’t want to. I was just being selfish, and I was going to tell him that, but I just couldn’t. Would he think the same way? Was he only letting me stay here because he was just sympathizing? That doesn’t really makes sense if he said he’s going to try to help me. Still, I didn’t erase the possibility. 

It was quiet, and I would have fallen asleep if I hand’s occupied myself with just exploring his room from the view I was at. Otherwise, I was just laying down in his palm still, hanging onto the little part of the cuff of his sleeve. Then, Ryker started twitching again, this time somehow gently getting me in a fist and bringing me close. The worst part about it was that I couldn’t get out even if I tried. 

I was just slightly freaking out. He was basically holding me like I was a small stuffed animal right up against his chest as he stirred around for a little. My face turned a bright red as Ryker yawned again, groggily opening his eyes and opening up his palm I was in. The panic in my chest diminished as he blinked away the bags under his eyes and smiled down at me. I smiled right back. I wouldn’t tell him about that. Plus, it’s not like I was hurt anyways. 

Ryker pressed his thumb against my back gently, stretching out the rest of his limbs before sitting up and pressing his back up against the wall. I completely forgot about the blush before he squinted and weakly chuckled before wrapping me in a hug. Well, he was only pinching me between two of his fingers but I get the gesture. I just didn’t know why. But it felt amazing all the same. 

Actually, this entire day it seemed like I had forgotten about all that happened. I couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I’ll just have to hope for the best. I’d have to thank Ryker for that. 

“You feel better?” Ryker asked. I nodded my head in response. I’ve never felt better. He yawned again, covering his mouth and bringing his knees closer to his chest. He studied me for a while before sighing and getting up. What was that about? I had no idea. I didn’t even know what I was doing today. All I knew was that I wanted nothing more than to just be held and safe and wanted. Which was everything Ryker was giving me. 

“Do you like Ryker?” 

I stopped breathing for a second, losing my focus on everything around me. That stupid question again? I’m pretty sure I don’t. Right? I was just mistaking my feelings for friendship. Right? My heart started beating faster when Ryker looked down to check on me. 

What was this?

——————

Again, my editor and beta reader was not available (they’re the same person but still) so this probably turned out to be one of the worst chapters or you guys actually like it and I’m just over thinking this TwT

I hope you guys enjoyed it though! Chapter 13 will be the last one! But I do have some little scenes after the story I want to do sooo they’re not going away anytime soon don’t worry :D

Taglist: @da3dm

[raylazuko]

Genshin Spoilers

Okay okay lemme cook for a second.

Anyone else find the blood purity and relations shit weird?

Like what we know now is that Caribert died at age 8 in the creation of the loom of fate. So therefore Caribert has no heir and was also regarded as an illegitimate child by Clothar and that his mother is of Mondstandt origin. So he is not pureblood which is why he was turned into a hillichurl.

We can make assumptions that Clothar had no other children with this woman or if he did, they are still monsters and not able to repoduce, so therefore there are no halfblood heirs of Clothar.

Next I have to talk about race and geography since I’m such a nerd about this crap. So many characters should have darker complexions based on how much sun they get (Sumeru desert, Natlan, and Liyue, PLAYABLE character not just NPCs.) Like if Mualani looks dark compared to 90% of the cast, we have a problem.

So let’s assume Teyvat is a globe and it’s laid out on a flat map for us to see. Let’s also assume that the climate is similar to earth. Let’s assume the equator is around the center so like above most of Liyue and Sumeru. Parts of Mondstandt being based on Italy, it should have a medeterranean climate, therefore melanin, but I digress. Okay so the Sumeru deserts and Natlan are close to the equator. Inazuma would be closer to the South Pole and has a harsh climate hence people not getting sun. (This is also ignoring places like Fontaine which is based on France, where yes, Black people exist in real life, but I digress). The only playable characters with dark(er) skin as well as NPCs are from Natlan and Sumeru (and also Xinyan for some reason).

We also know from Dainsleif, Halfdan, and the Sinners, that they use Norse names. Also Khaenri’ah being underground would mean they got little to no natural light. So it’s safe to assume pureblood Khaenriahs are white as fuck.

With this knowledge, wtf is going on with Kaeya?

We also have to examine how this curse works. If all the non pure bloods were turned into monsters, it’s safe to assume they can’t reproduce. Also judging by Kaeya very clearly being a child in the past and growing up with Diluc, it’s safe to assume that the modern Khaenri’ahns have a normal lifespan (unless being halfblood is what dictates that). It may have diminished or weakened over time, throughout the generations. We don’t know the exact mechanics but we can assume that Kaeya has a normal lifespan. I know Hoyo is gonna try to say he’s pureblood and not explain stuff but logically, no. When he sees Dain he comments “you’re a pureblood Khaenri’ahn” implying that, he, Kaeya, is not that. Also there’s the Sumeru trip when he was young. Assuming that his father is the one with the Alberich surname, which makes sense judging by how surnames usually work, we can assume that Kaeya’s mother was the one who isn’t Khaenri’ahn.

We can assume that the only Khaenrians who could reproduce from that original cursed generation were the ones who retained human form (pure bloods). We can also assume that Kaeya is a descendent of one of Clothar’s pure blood children. He probably had an affair with Caribert’s mother out of wedlock. We can also assume that more blood mixing naturally occurred over time. So either Kaeya’s family has been mixed for awhile and it’s no big deal, or more likely, Kaeya’s father had an affair with Kaeya’s mother out of wedlock. Judging by how dark he is compared to the majority of characters, his Indian inspired outfit for his in-game skin, the trade trip to Sumeru, when he was young, and the geographical proximity, it’s safe to assume that Kaeya’s mother is probably Sumerian (and likely from the desert and Eremite affiliated). I could go deeper into what I think may have happened but for sake of brevity, it’s very possible and likely that one reason Kaeya was sent as a spy and to Mondstandt and not made an heir to the clan has to do with the fact that he’s an illegitimate child.

Okay, another additional note. Ragnvindr is a Norse name, make of that information what you will.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

me when i have to figure out how to structure a fic

[greetings-inferiors]

i am kissing you on. the lips

buy me a. drink first

[yelena-bellova]

Wait, there’s no way that…Steve could be getting Vecna’d, right?

[dumbthiccbitch666]

.

[obstinaterixatrix]

was rereading Ameagari no Bokura ni Tsuite again because it’s a solid fave. I know however long ago I was talking about how I thought the family dynamics were really interesting especially with the tension and sympathy between the li and his mom and how it feels like a relatively grounded take on a caretaker with some kinda mental health stuff going on and how li as an adult struggles to navigate it. also I think it’s a fun example of a cheerful and straightforward character having emotional complexity, I like how the mom thing interacts with how he sees himself in his relationship with mc.

[asteroids-and-tractorbeams]

I still haven’t finished I, Jedi and I told myself I was going to read the other Alphabet Squadron books before the Ahsoka show came out, but what I really want to do is reread the Heir to the Empire trilogy

[crazyw3irdo]

been seeing a lot of ppl using replies lately?? like way more than normal?? is this something new users are doing or…??

[fakeoutbf]

.

[femboycharles]

gm!! I am awake but a bit over-stressed and struggling

[flowachild]

okay time for a social media break :^)

[sporadictimetravelgarden]

an incomplete list of death note things i thought were just jokes until i found out they were canon:

the potato chip scene. how is that real.

apples

the whole “this is something only kira would do, on the other hand, if i don’t do it, he’ll definitely think i’m kira, but . . .” and “kira would never do that, unless he is kira, in which case he would do the opposite of what i know he would do, so that actually increases his likelihood . . .” dynamic that light and L have is not an exaggeration. they really do overthink everything to that degree

the thing that looks like a monster is more mentally stable than the normal human boy

light isn’t attracted to misa

[darlinimamess]

maybe i’m overthinking but my friend unfollowed me on tiktok and i’m panicking about it

[joanbaezed]

i swear 2 god i’m the most jealous person ever its so frustratinggggggg . i would be so powerful if i could just fucking move onnnnnnnn