#no that’s a lie - loved someone when I was a kid; got betrayed in middle school (who wasn’t)

[breanna-lynn]

Growing up, I was the middle kid with a rebellious oldest brother in a family of seven. My needs got neglected because of all the craziness my sibling created- so I learned to take care of myself quietly really well. And of course, this carried into adulthood and influenced how I lived the rest of my life.

I'm independent, self-sufficient and prefer to just handle everything myself that has to do with me. And the one time I let someone close enough to rely on them...they betrayed my trust in them. I'm back to having to do everything myself, I don't have someone who supports me or takes care of me- it's me taking care of me again. And of course I'm capable, of course I can do it- but it seems this time around, fate is at play and guiding me to learn how to stop this pattern.

To stop always trying to handle everything myself. To communicate and share what I'm going through. To speak up. To be vulnerable. To ask for what I need. To ask for help when I could use it. To not be embarrassed about things outside my control. To not be ashamed of things that have failed regardless of why. To simply be me, where I am, as I am, and to allow people to be there for me and with me in that.

This season in my life has been pushing me outside my comfort zone in ways I have needed for so long, but have resisted as much as possible- which is why it took an event that literally forced to me into having to do those things - it has always been so uncomfortable for me that it took that being the only choice for me to do it. I had to.

I've been so strong for so long for myself- even when I thought I had someone, I was still carrying things I shouldn't have had to in silence - and now it's like I finally have woken up. I see now that so much of this has been something I've needed to shape me into a new version of myself that's healthier relationally.

The biggest lie I've always believed is "no one cares". And I've had moments people have proved to me they don't fucking care, too. But here's the thing- there are people who care. And if you live your whole life doubting that, you're never gonna let people care because you're too sure they don't. But how do you know unless you give them a chance to?

The scary part about speaking up is that it could fall flat. You could ask for help and not find it, or people won't show up how you were hoping- and it happens. But guess what? Give it time. Give it another chance. Don't let one time deter you from finding out. Don't resist growth just because it's uncomfortable, because the more times you force yourself to get past it, it does get easier. And as it does get easier, you stop caring about what may not work out and you start to feel hope for what can.

I can't rely fully on other people and wouldn't want to. I like to be empowered and self-sufficient. But you can invite people in. You can open the door and speak up and let yourself be seen and heard. You can allow more love and care into your life... you just have to be brave enough to believe you deserve it so you can allow it.

And when people start showing up (not if, because they will) to help you, care for you, support you, come into your life... accept it. Because they want to. It can be hard to let people do things or offer things if you're not used to it, but we're not meant to do it all ourselves and it creates a more balanced relationship when other people get a chance to give and invest in you, too. So let them. Receive it with grace. Allow the love in. You're worth it.

My inner child is amazed and loved and heals when I get to recieve in a way that blesses me. I still sometimes don't know how to receive, it can be uncomfortable- but I am so worthy of that love and care. I'm so grateful to every person who shows me that. And if people want to care about me and show me love- isn't it good for me to learn how to simply allow that?

I'll end with this. The next time someone asks for help, do something to show you care about them. And the next time you need something, speak up and ask. Don't stop, keep trying and allow the good to pour out and in.

venmo: @simonslays55 | if you want to give & support me I could use it right now!

[gayhomolesbian]

1. What’s the lie your character says most often?

"I'm fine, don't worry about it."

2. How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

she rarely uses it. if she calls you friend, it means she'd take a bullet for you.

3. How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

she no longer remembers how to.

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

burd watching.

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

yes, and either losing virgo (her first girlfriend) or the things scientists did to her that made her part cat.

6. What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?

her favorite book is house of leaves, and she refuses to recommend it.

7. What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?

just yell "rivhana bo bana (continue freestyling from here)" and she'll come to you.

8. How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

"those words can be in that order?"

9. Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

tough love. mainly due to her trying to keep a gruff exterior.

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

she always loves showing off her psionic abilities.

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

they'd ask about the handkerchief around her neck. only her closest confidants get the real story, others get a fabrication about it being a trophy from a fight she won as a kid.

12. What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

someone trying to act tough, edgelord levels of trying to act tough. if someone says something like "dont underestimate me, you have no idea what i can do!" she will just lose it.

13. When do they fake a smile? How often?

pretty much any time she smiles. Rivhana's got a lot of baggage, but she promised virgo she'd at least try to smile.

14. How do they put out a candle?

she uses her psionics to pinch the candle from a distance, or if she's feeling dramatic, she'd do a little spin, and put it out the same way as she spins.

15. What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

pretty much anytime she's not alone, she plays this act of being super tough, and the reliable one, but when she gets home, she drops everything, and just kinda lowers her guard in general.

16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

pretty much anyone, could be friend, famiily, foe, or strangers.

17. What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

she notices her feline eyes, whereas most spot either her ears, or dark purple handkerchief first.

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

she's only ever had three loves, two of which only happen in a single au each, and one always dies. she's fallen in love with virgo, who is either a novakid (starbound) or a human. virgo dies in every timeline, except one (the bad ending timeline), she does fall in love with a queen named livith in one timeline (livith is my friend's character) and a half dragon/human named luna (also one of my friend's characters) otherwise she usually ends up alone.

19. What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?

she'd try her best to play it cool, but her ears and tail would betray her; ears folding backwards, and her tail swishing about.

20. Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

i do not understand the question

21. What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

"it's rude to stare at people" she grew up in the criminal underground, not to mention she's part cat, she watches suspicious people, and she won't ever stop.

22. What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

a bit cliche, but swimming! it's not some cat instinct thing, but rather general swimming anxiety from when she was not part cat, mixed with anxiety constantly telling her that her tail will absorb too much water, become too heavy, and she'll drown.

23. What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?

she promised a friend they'd have tea and donuts when they got out of a killing game, and they never did. whether the other person doesn't remember I'm not certain.

24. Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?

she thought about it, couldn't decide what cookie she wanted, so she just took the whole jar.

25. What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?

she can make little flowers out of paper!

26. How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

a good boss? devastated.

27. What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?

she was once given a scratching post. she then used the gifter as a scratching post. (she hates being compared to a cat, it feels demeaning to her, especially since the scientists treated her as less than human)

28. What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

she tells them she doesn't want anything. what she really wants is a hug.

29. How do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

she uses her psionic powers to reach into their mind (asking permission first obv) and showing them her memory of the events they are talking about.

30. When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

greatly. professional guilt and personal guilt are wildly different. rivhana works as an assassin, so when she fucks up, her guilt is greater, but when she fucks up personally, the guilt cuts deeper.

31. When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

she feels the most guilt when she angers someone she trusts truly, and she kinda just runs, and hides in her bed.

32. If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

theft. she does it already a lot. or assault. she'll glady punch a creep in the nose, and then kick 'im in the dick.

33. How do they greet someone they dislike / hate?

she greets people she doesn't like with a very polite and professional tone, rahter than her usual casual one.

34. How do they greet someone they like / love?

with a hug, and purring quite loudly. she's very casual, and lets some of her true emotions leak out.

35. What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

she's made a lot of morally questionable descisions.... i'd have to go with stealing a candy bar from the 7-11.

36. Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

her handler, without them she wouldn't be able to take on any jobs, and her carreer as an assassin would be over.

37. What’s a secret they haven’t told serious romantic partners and don’t plan to tell?

how she became a mother. i will not elaborate further, iykyk.

38. What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?

unsure

39. Would they rather be invited to an event to feel included or be excluded from an event if they were not genuinely wanted there?

she'd rather be excluded. she hates perfomative gestures.

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

she thinks the othe person is either uncomfortable, or eepy.

41. What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?

"it's like sex in a canoe"

42. If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

how easy it is to steal from people, and she'd title it with "humans are stupid" and go over common pickpocket tactics, as well as the thought processes of thieves.

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

money. when you say "you owe me 10" she thinks thousands, because assassin work pays well.

44. What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

i'm not sure (as i have no knowledge on languages outside of english) but she is from warsaw, so she speaks polish and english!

45. What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

lemons put on the side of soda glasses at restaurants.

46. Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

she's absolutely a listener, to get her to talk, you cuddle her, and offer to listen.

47. Who have they forgotten about that remembers them very well?

the guy who saved her from her father.

48. Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?

that friend she owes tea and donuts named hiro. they're gay best friends, and she would do anything for him.

49. Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?

no, she would tell people she doesn't wanna.

50. What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

killing is okay, as long as it isn't frivolous. it doesn't matter who, as long as you have a reason.

51. What’s a phrase they say a lot?

fuck

52. Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

rivhana is fairly logical, and will gladly put her emotions to the side when making decisions.

53. Who would / do they believe without question?

any of the previously mentioned lovers.

54. What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?

Fight.

55. What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate?

most baked goods. her dream is to run a cafe, but she wouldn't buy 90% of the goods she sells there.

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

she seeks comfort from virgo, usually by crying and holding onto her handkerchief.

57. What’s a simple daily activity / motion that they mess up often?

getting out of bed. even if the tail technically helps her keep balance, when first waking up in the morning she is a clumsy bitch.

58. How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

she never really slowed down to have a hobby, often just moving from one target to the next. the only exceptions are baking/cofee, which she hopes to one day use those to retire from her assassin job.

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

What’s the lie your character says most often?

How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?

What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?

How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

When do they fake a smile? How often?

How do they put out a candle?

What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?

Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?

Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?

What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?

How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?

What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

How do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

How do they greet someone they dislike / hate?

How do they greet someone they like / love?

What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

What’s a secret they haven’t told serious romantic partners and don’t plan to tell?

What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?

Would they rather be invited to an event to feel included or be excluded from an event if they were not genuinely wanted there?

How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?

If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

Who have they forgotten about that remembers them very well?

Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?

Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?

What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

What’s a phrase they say a lot?

Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

Who would / do they believe without question?

What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?

What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate?

If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

What’s a simple daily activity / motion that they mess up often?

How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

[sinner-as-saint]

I Am Your Fall.

Mob!Bucky x Ex-Spy!Reader

Run-through: You’re hiding from your past, in Madripoor. You did nothing wrong, other than mix dangerous business with a lot of pleasure. You couldn’t go home because... he would find you and Madripoor was the only place he didn’t do business, or had any allies or friends. But little did you know that the mob boss had finally found you after obsessively looking for you ever since you left, and left him in pieces. He didn’t want revenge, he just wanted the one thing he had hopelessly fallen in love with; who also happened to be the one who had betrayed him and hurt him more than anyone or any bullet ever did before - you. 

Themes: mob!bucky, smut, angst, fluff, Ex-Spy!Reader, slight daddy kink, guns

“The usual?” 

You nodded at the man in front of you with a faint smile as you took a seat at the bar. You kept the hood of your jacket up as you let out a quiet sigh. Moments later the bartender placed a glass half filled with whiskey and ice in front of you.

You whispered a ‘thank you’ and swirled the drink around in the glass before lifting it up to your lips and taking just the tiniest sip. You often came into this bar after work, just to feel normal again. You worked at a diner right around the corner; it was lowkey and shabby and didn’t attract many customers, neither did it pay well but you weren’t there for the money. 

Your last job, the one you had before ending up in Lowtown Madripoor, paid really well. So much so that you wouldn’t have to worry about money for a long, long time but you still had to blend in and pretend to be as normal as you could; hence the job at the diner. 

You thought of home as you took your second sip. You grew up in a nice family before joining the organization you worked for, as a spy. You let out a quiet little chuckle as you thought of how ever since you were a kid you wanted to grow up and catch bad guys. Which is exactly what you did as a spy. And you were great at your job, your organization couldn’t be prouder of your work. 

You took another sip. Everything was going great for you, until the day you were assigned to infiltrate the life of and take down the infamous mob boss, James Buchanan Barnes. The day you heard that you were being sent to him, you were excited because James was notorious for a lot of bad things. You couldn’t wait to step inside his evil lair and take him down. What you didn’t know was that you would end up finding love right where it wasn’t supposed to be. 

You felt a strange knot in your gut as you thought of him. Bucky… 

Oh you had loved him despite his mean, dark demeanor. He was a cold-hearted man to the rest of the world, but only you got to see the warmer side of him. And you fell in love, harder, faster and deeper than you ever thought you could. It got to a point where you had to choose between either betraying your organization or betraying the man who shouldn’t have fallen in love with. That’s when you ran away, far from home. Far from your work which you loved so much, and far from him. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to betray him, nor did you have the courage to tell your people that you failed in an important mission all because you fell in love with the enemy. You knew what happened to people who betrayed Bucky, you had seen it. And you also knew what happened to spies and agents who betrayed the organization you worked for. Both of those situations weren’t ones you wished to find yourself in, so in order to save yourself, you ran. 

And now here you were. 

As you took another sip of your drink, you felt the hair at the back of your neck stand up out of nowhere as a shiver ran down your spine. You were being watched. During your training you were taught to absolutely trust your gut, and if you ever got the feeling that you were being watched it meant that there was a high chance that you actually were. 

Shit. 

You set your glass down and placed the money down beside it before slowly sliding off the stool and casually walking out of the bar. You made sure your hood was still up, and you tucked your hands in your pockets. Your fingertips gently felt the hand gun you always kept with you, just in case, secured at your waist under your jacket. 

You looked around, and so far no one was following you. The streets were busy given that it was a Friday night and you were sure that you could make it home safe because no one would attack you or anything in a crowd like this. 

You lived in a modest, 2-bedroom apartment. And you always took the fire escape at the back to get into your apartment because you didn’t trust the rusty elevator at the front, nor did you ever want to run into a neighbor or anyone by taking the stairs inside the building. The fire escape was discreet and lowkey. 

You entered your living room shortly and sensed that something was off. The air was colder somehow, and you never left any windows open. Ever. You shut the door behind you, not locking it. You gently took out your gun and held it out in front of you, at the ready. You moved stealthily, quietly. You knew which spots on the wooden flooring made the most noise so you avoided those. 

Someone was in here, you could tell. The air… it smelt different the further you walked into your apartment. You didn’t switch on any lights, you checked the kitchen first. Clear. The living room. Clear. The spare room. Clear. And your heart raced as you went into your bedroom. The door which normally always remained closed, was wide open. 

You couldn’t even run. Whatever it was, whoever it was you were gonna have to face it. You stepped into your room and with whatever little light was coming through the windows, you tried to scan the room. 

“Lower your gun, babygirl. You don’t need it. I’m not gonna hurt you, and I know you don’t wanna hurt me.” 

The sound of his voice had you frozen in the spot where you stood, a few feet away from your bed. The voice came from behind you. You slowly turned around, not lowering your gun and keeping it aimed right at him. It took you a few seconds to process everything. 

You could make out his silhouette as he stood in front of one of your bedroom windows. Tall, built, his metal arm glistening. He was here. You let out a shaky breath. He was here, he found you. 

You didn’t move from the spot that you were standing on. There was a time when whenever you saw him you’d run into his arms, and despite wanting to do just that even now, you knew you couldn’t. That was back then, this was different, wasn’t it? 

He sighed before moving, walking to the other side of the room to light a table lamp. The soft, golden light illuminated the room just enough. Your heart burned as you took in his appearance; dark suit as always, shorter hair, his metal arm just as intimidating and mean as always and his pretty blue eyes - the same ones you loved, belonging to a man who eventually became the reason why you had to leave your old life behind. 

Bucky was still; calm and composed as always. He was the kind of man who had mastered the art of looking completely steady even when he wasn’t. He could have a storm inside of him, or raging flames of anger but on the outside it would never show. He was as devious and subtle as a predator, moving with the grace and elegance of a ferocious but calculated animal. 

“You seriously thought that moving across the globe and changing your hair color would keep me away from you?” He sounded like he was mocking you. “Took me about almost a year, but I found you.” He walked towards you, making you envy the way he could move so effortlessly. You couldn’t read him. His face was… blank. Void of any emotion. 

He spoke again once he stood right in front of you. “Now, you’re gonna tell me why you ran away.” 

You remained quiet. He could tell you were thinking. He could always tell, he knew you too well. You made a makeshift plan in your head. If you were to shoot him in his arm, just to injure him enough to make him lose his focus, you could grab the emergency bag you always kept under your bed and run. But you didn’t want to hurt him. 

Also, how far would you go? Knowing Bucky, if he had made it to Madripoor he probably had his men surrounding this apartment building right now; all armed and ready to fight. He probably even had people from here all the way to Hightown; which meant that even if you ran from here right now you wouldn’t be able to make it out of Madripoor. 

Like you said earlier, he had found you. There was no way to run anymore. 

“I know you’re thinking about running again.” He teased, shoving his hands in his pockets, letting you know that he had his guard down; which meant that he had thought this through. “Maybe you have an emergency bag somewhere, or you plan on shooting at me to distract me and make a run for it.” He chuckled. “Trust me, you wouldn’t make it out of this apartment, babygirl. And even if by some miracle you did, I will burn this island to the ground to find you again.” 

Despite his tone being all calm, and almost monotonous you could hear the bitterness and the evil promise in his words. He was probably angry, he felt betrayed for sure, he was also frustrated given that he mentioned having searched for you for a year, he was also probably hungry for answers. 

You still remembered that night you left. Your people at work had been pestering you to hand over information and sending you all sorts of threats if you didn’t, but you also could no longer lie and manipulate Bucky, because you loved him. So you left in the middle of the night, leaving your old life, your job, the man you loved, your family, everything behind. 

No notes, no messages, nothing. You and him had been together for a little over a year at that point. And you just snuck out of a one year relationship with no explanation. It was wrong you’d admit, and Bucky had every right to be hurt and angry. 

“Answer me. Why did you run? Why did you leave out of nowhere? And didn’t you go back to your people like the good little spy you are? Why Madripoor?” 

So he knew about your past. You could only imagine what he did to the organization you used to work for when he found them. 

“How did you find me?” You knew how much he hated it when people answered a question with another question. You were surprised when he answered instead of being even more pissed off. 

“It took a lot of people, a lot of bullets and a lot of patience to track you down.” He chuckled. “I must say, you’re good at whatever games you play. But I’m gonna need you to stop for a moment, and give me the answers I need.” He took a small step forward, reducing the distance between you and him. “Why?” 

Such a broad question, why. 

“I had to.” You gave him the most vague answer ever. 

He scoffed. “Okay, let me make this easier for you. Let’s start with, what’s your real name?” 

You almost rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t afford to let your guard down at the moment. Not when you couldn’t even figure out what he was here for. 

“You know my name.” 

Of course he did, he had moaned it so many times in bed. 

He gave you his signature smirk, the one who captured the hearts of many including yours. “I’m assuming that since you’re a spy everything which comes out of your pretty mouth is a lie. So what is your name?” 

You corrected him. “I used to be a spy. I don’t do that anymore. And I didn’t lie about my name. I didn’t lie about many things.” You looked him dead in the eyes when you said so. You wondered if he thought that you lied when you said you loved him. That was real. 

He scoffed. “I’d beg to differ.” 

“You plan on killing me?” You asked, thinking that now would be a good time to know whether or not you would be dying tonight. 

“No.” 

“Then why are you here, Bucky? Why did you look for me for a year, why are you halfway across the globe right now if you don’t plan on killing me for betraying you? What do you want?” 

“You.” 

You rolled your eyes, finally lowering your weapon. You still couldn’t read him. 

He spoke up again, “Why didn’t you lead your people to me? Why didn’t you finish your job?” 

“You might have actually done just that yourself. If you were able to find me, so could they. They probably have eyes on right now. By coming here you just-,”

He cut you off. “They don’t have eyes on you. No one does.” He answered confidently. 

“You don’t know that. You-,” 

He cut you off yet again, he smirked, “Oh I do know, babygirl. I know because I… dealt with each and every last one of them. The people you used to work for, the whole organization, it doesn’t exist anymore I made sure of that. You see, I’ve been quite busy this past year. Between dealing with your people, dealing with my own and playing hide and seek with you.” 

You froze again. Dealt with? “And how exactly did you deal with the organization?” 

“I watched it burn.” He answered, proudly. 

Oh. “You plan on doing the same with me? After your little Q and A, you’re gonna just… deal with me?” 

He fake gasped and placed his metal hand over his chest as though surprised. “I would never do that to you. You see, unlike you I didn’t lie when I said I loved you.” 

That caught you by surprise. You said nothing, pretending like that confession didn’t make your heart race. 

“I’m gonna ask one more time, why did you run?” His tone was cold. 

You scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d be understanding regarding the whole situation. If you ever found out who I was, let’s be real, you’d kill me right where I stood. And I could no longer go back to my people because they would force me to lead them to you.” 

He raised his eyebrows, then chuckled. “You protected me? What for?” 

I didn’t lie when I said I loved you either. “I didn’t want to manipulate or lie. I didn’t want to infiltrate lives and be dishonest. I didn’t want to have to live a double life any longer. I needed freedom, I needed a way out. So I came here.” You paused. “I’m not proud of what I did to you.” You added. 

You lowered your eyes once you finished talking. Bucky moved closer to you, he reached out and grabbed your chin with his metal hand, tilting your head back gently until you looked into his stormy, ocean blue eyes. You hated how you still couldn’t read him. Was he angry or no? 

“Are you lying right now?” He whispered, and smirked knowing it would piss you off. You pushed his hand away. He chuckled, leaning into your ear, his lips brushing against your skin as he spoke and it sent shivers down your spine, “Let’s play a game.” He pulled away and took a few steps back. “You love games, don’t you babygirl?” 

Your heart raced. Oh this can’t be good… 

He took some more steps back and then pulled out his gun; the shiny golden one he loved the most out of the arsenal he owned. He aimed it at you, smirking. “I’m gonna ask you some questions and as long as you answer truthfully, I won’t shoot.” 

You remained very still. You hated to admit it, but there was something so immorally powerful about him when he handled his guns. You remember back when you two were together, you could spend hours watching him clean his guns; his favorite toys he called them. Bucky always told you that he believed that weapons shouldn’t be intimidating, but the person handling them should. 

In his case, it was true. Just looking at him made your body throb for a moment. You tried not to let it show but judging by the smug look on his face you could tell that he knew exactly how you felt. 

You knew he would never shoot you.

Bucky Barnes was, afterall, a cunning man who knew how to toy with one’s head. He could have easily taken your gun away from you, could have tied you down on a chair and interrogated you until you gave in. But no, by doing this he was letting you think that you still had some control over this. He knew he had given you the chance, you could’ve easily shot him the moment you walked into the room. But you didn’t. You chose not to. And he knew that. 

You almost smirked when you put it all together. He wasn’t here for answers, because he already had them. He just wanted to hear it from you. He wanted you to verbally say it. He was here for this dark, twisted game of his. 

“Fine.” You agreed. 

He cocked his gun, the sound rang in your ears and it reminded you of the times you pretended not to know shit about guns and had him teach you how to aim. He had done so with a lot of patience and a lot of kisses. 

“How much did you tell your people about me?” He asked. 

You could tell he was easing into it. “I stopped feeding them information after the first six months. I told them it would be risky to keep meeting up with them in secrecy, and that I would soon come back with everything I can gather about you. But I never did.” 

He seemed pleased with that answer. “Of course you didn’t. Instead you ran away.” He watched you cautiously, “How many people know you’re here?” 

“No one does, except for you.” 

That was true. You couldn’t risk going back to your family, not when you were certain that the moment you stepped foot outside of Madripoor your people would find you. 

“Why Madripoor?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. “You could’ve easily hid in the country itself given your… skills.” He knew just where to poke you to make it hurt. “Then why here?” 

“Anonymity. No one knows or cares about who you are or where you come from here. Also because I knew that neither the organization nor you had any connections here whatsoever.” You paused. “Clearly I was wrong.” 

He got really serious, clenching and unclenching his jaw. “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth then? If you couldn’t trust your people at the time, why not turn to me?” 

His question made you chuckle. “I already told you, you would’ve killed me.” 

“And I already told you that I-,” he cut himself off and took a breath. “Why didn’t you trust me?” 

You stared into his eyes, looking. Searching for something you once saw in them. Love, for you. There was a time when he would look at you with nothing but adoration and love. Now he was angry, hurt, frustrated, his power challenged. 

“Because I’ve seen what you do to people who betray you. I knew how much loyalty mattered to you. And I… I couldn’t have possibly looked you in the eyes and tell you that I’ve been lying and manipulating you for a whole year, and that I was sent to take you down.” 

It hurt to say it out loud. 

“You ran because you were scared of me? Of what I would do to you if I found out?” He didn’t bother hiding the hurt. He wasn’t calm and composed anymore, he was visibly troubled. Jaws clenched, fingers tightening around his gun, eyes shooting daggers at you. “Answer me!” He raised his voice out of nowhere and you jumped. 

You lowered your gaze to the floor. In all those years, be it during training or even while on missions, you had never succumbed in any way when a weapon, no matter the size, was aimed at you. Yet now, you could feel your hands starting to shake just a little. 

“Yes. I ran because I was scared of you.” You answered, not having the courage to look up at him. 

He was quiet for four seconds - you know because you counted them - before he lowered his gun and shot at the wooden floor, several feet away from your legs. The sound made you flinch and groan, not in fear but in annoyance. He was breaking you, he was getting everything he wanted out of you. You were giving in, too easily. You hated it. 

“Liar!” He growled and walked right over to you, quickly. His eyes reflected the anger and frustration he felt inside. He placed the barrel of his gun right under your chin. The cold metal made you shiver, mainly because you still remembered that his metal arm felt the same way against your warm skin. “I said no lies.” 

He used the gun to tilt your head back, making you look up into his eyes. He spoke up again, “You ran because you love me, and you couldn’t live with yourself after betraying me. You chose not to lead your people to me, because how could you? How could you do that when you fell in love with the enemy?” Bucky chuckled, removing his gun from your chin and replacing it with his metal hand. 

He leaned in so close that when he spoke next, his lips brushed against yours. “You chose to run away rather than give them what they wanted, because they wanted my fall. You ran from me because you couldn’t admit, nor accept that you cared too much about me.” He chuckled. “You did all of this not because you were scared of me, but because you were scared of them since you had failed in a mission.” He shrugged. “That’s understandable, given you fell in love with the one they sent you to ruin.” 

Your eyes watered. He broke you, finally. He said everything you’ve been avoiding to tell yourself over this past year. And he was right about everything. You were quiet. You didn’t have anything to say to him. 

He spoke up again. “I know for a fact that you knew I would never, ever hurt you. Betrayal or no betrayal.” 

“Buck…” You whispered, your voice cracked as you held back a sob. You felt a single tear slide down your cheek. 

His hand moved from your chin, down to your waist. He pulled you closer, pressing his body to yours. The feeling of his built, taut body against yours brought back memories you weren’t sure you could ever forget. 

“Say it.” He demanded, looking down at your lips, then back into your eyes. His scent filled your senses. He was all you could, and wanted, to focus on. “Tell me I’m right. Tell me the truth you’ve been running from.” He leaned in, as though he was going for a kiss. “Tell me you love me.”

“Bucky, I…” you almost choked on another sob you couldn’t let out. You wanted to tell that you loved him. But the words wouldn’t come out. Something was stopping you; worry or fear or just guilt. 

It was guilt. 

He scoffed. “Too proud? Too self-righteous to admit that the good little spy fell in love with the bad guy?” He pressed his forehead to yours as he walked the two of you back, towards your bed. You knew what he was doing, and you didn’t stop him. “Admit it, babygirl,” he leaned in to whisper in your ear and you felt goosebumps all over your body, “Or maybe I should remind you…” 

Bucky pushed you down on your bed, and he hovered over you supporting himself with one hand while the metal one held his gun right above your face. “You’ve been a bad, bad girl lately.” He murmured, gently lowering his gun and brushing the barrel against your lips, then slowly dragged it down your skin. “Did you think you could hide from me forever?” 

He dragged the tip of his gun all the way down till your thighs, making you tremble. His eyes stared down into yours as he carelessly tossed his gun aside and brought his metal hand over to your mouth again. 

“Do you know how bad I’ve missed you?” He mumbled, tracing your mouth with his cold fingers. For a moment he forgot why he was here in the first place. 

You shivered under his touch. “I’m sorry, Bucky. I never meant to-,” 

He scoffed, cutting you off. “Shut up, babygirl.” He had a mean smirk on his face. “You’ve been bad. And what did daddy tell you about babygirls who misbehave?” His calm demeanor could fool anyone. Anyone but you. 

You knew him too well. You could tell he was burning inside, agitated. Like a wounded predator, planning his next attack. There was no escaping him now. Not that you truly wanted to. 

“They get punished.” You whispered quietly as he tugged on your bottom lip with his thumb. The simple gesture reminded you of all those times spent with him; the nights you spent in his bed, in his arms… 

He chuckled. “Exactly. Now come on, you have a lot to make up for.” He pulled away, and stood up straight at the end of your bed. “Take your clothes off. All of it.” 

The sound of his authoritative voice had your thighs clenching together to try and alleviate the sweet pain in between your legs. That tone of his was a weakness of yours, and he knew it. 

You hesitated only for a moment, but the longer he stared into your eyes the warmer your body felt, and all you wanted to do was to get rid of all that you were wearing. You took your jacket off first, followed by the long sleeved shirt underneath it. You scooted forward, sitting on the edge of the bed to take the rest of your clothes off; shoes, skirt, stockings which left you in your matching set of black underwear. 

You looked up at him, waiting for further instructions. 

“I said, all of it.” He let his eyes roam your body for a moment and then he spoke up again, “Don’t be shy baby, I’ve seen it all before, haven’t I?” 

He had done so much more than just seeing it all. You held his stare as you took your underwear off and had to fight the urge to throw it at his face just for the hell of it. 

“Good girl.” He whispered. “Now lie down, spread those legs for me. Show me what’s mine.” 

The crudeness of his words would’ve surely made you blush if you didn’t know just how vulgar and dirty he could really get, this was nothing. 

You did just as he asked. You held yourself up on your elbows, still holding his stare. Bucky eyed you like you were a warm meal and he was a starving man. There was nothing but lust and mischief in his eyes. 

“Touch yourself for me.” 

You felt your face get really hot for a moment as your heartbeats rang in your ears. “What?” The question just slipped out before you could stop yourself. 

Bucky smirked. “You heard me. Use your pretty fingers and touch yourself. I assume you thought of me each time you… tended to your needs over these past many, many months. I’m sure you missed me,” he chuckled, just as cocky as you expected him to be, “Or at least you missed having my cock buried deep inside of you. Hmm?”  

You studied his face for a moment. Your emotions were shifting; from guilt to annoyance to shame to lust. And you hated how well he had you figured out. “How do you know I haven’t had someone else tending to my needs instead?” You asked, quickly realizing that this wasn’t an ideal situation to be the brat you used to be back then. 

Bucky let out a little laugh; a hot and evil laugh. “No one will ever satisfy you like I do.” He shoved both of his hands in his pockets. “Even if you did, for some reason, fool around with someone here I assure you they won't be breathing for long.” He responded with a straight face. “You are mine. Nobody touches what’s mine and lives.” 

That speech shouldn’t have turned you on as much as it did. 

“Now come on, be a good girl and do as you’re told.” He spoke softly. “Show me how you touched yourself when I wasn’t here to take care of you.” 

Your hands moved on their own; caressing your inner thighs before placing your fingers right over your clit. The look in his eyes made your walls clench around nothing. Your lips parted and you let out a shaky breath as you toyed with your clit, smearing your wetness around before slowly rubbing down your folds and slipping past your entrance with ease given that you were dripping already. Your other hand toyed with your nipple, twisting and tugging. 

Needless to say, Bucky was hard just looking at you. 

You stared into his eyes as you gasped in pleasure as your fingers effortlessly slipped in and out of you. You whined as you fingered yourself, thinking about the last time he touched you – all those months back, on the same night that you left him. And how lovely his mouth felt against your body. Whining in need and frustration, the palm of your hands rubbed against your sensitive clit over and over again as your middle finger slipped in and out of you. 

“Bucky…” you whimpered. 

He just stood there and smirked. “Faster. And don’t you dare cum.” 

You whined, slipping your finger in and out of your wet hole rapidly. “Fuck…” Your own touch took you higher, and higher, and you were on the edge. 

“Stop.” He ordered, moving closer to you but not touching you yet. “Add another finger.” He waited until you did, whimpering as you pushed another finger in. “Good girl, now fuck your little cunt faster for me.” He leaned over and traced your lips with his cold, metal finger, his touch was agonizingly slow. He was so close, but he still wasn’t touching you like you desperately needed him to. 

You took your bottom lip in between your teeth to keep yourself from moaning too loudly. Bucky smirked when he saw how you were struggling to keep quiet. He noticed the way your body squirmed, and he knew you too well so he could tell that you were so close to coming undone. 

“Poor baby,” he cooed, “Is it hard?” he taunted, his fake concern morphing into an evil, handsome and sly smile. “Is it frustrating to not be allowed to have something you so desperately want? Hmm?” 

“Buck… please,” you whined, releasing your swollen lip from your teeth. Your body felt hot, and you needed to just let go and come undone. 

“Stop.” He ordered, shamelessly ignoring your pleas. You stopped, and pulled your hand away from in between your legs. He knelt on your bed, in between your legs. You tried to look away but he grabbed your chin before you could turn your face to the side. He stared into your eyes for a few seconds, not saying anything. Eventually he spoke up, “What do I do with you?” 

You stared at him, a thousand thoughts in your head. “You’re crazy.” You spat, hoping to rile him up. 

He just chuckled softly. “You did this to me.” He sounded bitter, and hurt. He leaned in to brush his lips against yours, making your heart race, “Thoughts of you were messing with my head for the past year.” He confessed, and you felt your heart hurt. “People think I’m cruel, clearly they haven’t had their heart broken by you.” 

You opened your mouth to say something, or maybe apologize, or perhaps you’d say something which would piss him off even more but before you could, his mouth was on yours. He kissed you with passion, but also pent up anger and frustration. He was conflicted, so were you. Both of your pride were hurt, egos bruised but your hearts still yearned for each other. Nothing could change that. 

Before you could process anything, Bucky was kissing down your body; you were a whimpering mess by the time he kissed along your inner thighs. He chuckled darkly when you let out a loud moan as he kissed your throbbing clit ever so gently. Like he used to when he was madly in love with you. 

“Your body remembers me, babygirl.” He seemed proud of that. 

You hated how you couldn’t resist him. You hated how you didn’t even try to. You melted right under his touch as his tongue gently licked down your folds. His hand found yours and he laced his metal fingers with yours while his other hand rubbed up and down your thigh as he pushed his face further into your wet core. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to look down at him, but you were sure he looked enticing with his plump, pink lips on your wet heat; your arousal dripping down his chin and coating his lips as he devoured you. You heard him growl before he bit down on the soft skin at your inner thighs to get your attention. 

“Look at me.” He mumbled. And when you didn’t obey him right away, you earned yourself a gentle smack on your thigh, which only made you squirm even more; causing you to accidentally grind against his mouth. He chuckled again. “Impatient, are we?” 

You supported yourself up on your elbows finally, and looked down at him. His handsome face in between your thighs was a sight you weren’t sure you would ever get used to. You could feel his warm breath fanning your wet skin occasionally as he stared into your eyes until you couldn’t handle the intensity of his stare. 

Bucky held your stare as he attached his lips to your core again, making you whimper in pleasure. He wasn’t planning on stopping until you beg him to. He had missed you, your taste. He had missed this; your warmth and your soft whimpers as he teased you with his tongue. 

“Do you wanna cum for me, babygirl?” He asked, before pressing his lips back against your wet folds. 

You nodded, quickly. “Yes, please…” your legs had begun shaking just a little as he took his time and dragged his tongue up and down your slit. But the way his lips lifted into a smirk gave away that his answer would only disappoint you. 

“No, you’re not allowed to cum.” He cooed, playfully. “Not so easily.” He whispered before he got back to teasing your sensitive spot with his warm and wet tongue; relishing your taste and humming in pleasure as he ate you out. He let out a little laugh, “I forgot how good you taste.” 

You moaned out loud as your back arched off the bed for just a moment, your eyes closing and your head leaning back as you felt a wave of intense pleasure wash over you. You weren’t sure how long you could take this sweet torture. Your fingers tightened around his and he chuckled against your skin. 

“What is it baby, you can’t take it? Hmm? All that sass, all those mind games and now you can’t even handle my tongue?” 

He taunted you before getting back to teasing your entrance with the tip of his tongue. Your body tingled and you felt a sweet pressure forming in between your legs. You were sure he could see the tears of frustration escaping your eyes, falling down your warm cheeks. 

“Please…” you moaned pathetically. 

He licked around your clit one last time before pulling away and kissing his way up your body again. The twisted side of him loved the way you whined when you realized he wasn’t gonna let you cum so easily. He leaned in to kiss your open mouth eventually, making you gasp and moan and forget how to breathe with just one kiss. 

When he pulled away to look at you he smiled at the mess you were. Lips swollen, and bruised with how many times you or him bit down on it. Red marks all over your neck, bite marks along your inner thigh, and your arousal dripping out of you. He quickly placed his fingers where his mouth had been earlier, teasing your clit before shoving two fingers inside of you and stroking your walls so slowly that you were losing your mind. 

“Why won’t you admit it?” he kissed along your cheek and reached your ear where he whispered, “Are you that proud? That heartless?” Judging by his tone you could tell that his emotions were wavering as well. “I searched the whole world to find you.” His fingers sped up as he spoke, your moans got more frequent and holding them back became much more difficult. “And now you’re still gonna be a stubborn, disrespectful brat?” 

The bitterness in his tone woke something inside of you. Did he not realize that you’re not exactly pleased with what you had to do? Did he not understand? Pissed, your annoyance mirroring his, you pushed his hand away and pushed him down on the bed. He wasn’t expecting it so he went down rather easily. You got on top of him, straddling his waist, ignoring the nudity, and stared down at him. 

“Enough! You can’t just walk in here and do or say whatever the fuck you want.” Your sudden outburst took him by surprise. Part of him had always loved it when you got a little aggressive. “I’m not proud of what I did. That’s why I left, the guilt was killing me. It still kills me, every single day. I haven’t had the best year of my life since I left you either. I had to leave my homeland, my family, and I… I had to leave you.” 

He remained quiet. 

“I moved to a place where I knew no one. I’ve been alone for the past year, living amongst strangers, no friends, no family, nothing! All because I couldn’t let them get to me. You were right, because if my people found me they would somehow find a way to get the information they needed and they would’ve surely taken you down. You would’ve never seen it coming.” You sniffled, realizing that you were tearing up again. 

Bucky had, surprisingly, nothing to say. You went on. 

“You want answers? There you have it then. I couldn’t just stay and watch myself become that reason for your fall. I couldn’t let that happen to you, because I love you too much. When I realized I loved you, I panicked. I ran because I didn’t know what else to do, or how to keep them away from you. And I am so sorry for what I did. I understand if you-,”

He cut your long speech off by sitting up and grabbing you just in time before you lost your balance, pressing his lips to yours. You immediately wrapped your arms around his neck and let him hold you, kiss you like he wanted to for so long. His kiss was gentle this time, careful, loving. His metal hand ran up and down your spine slowly as his other hand grabbed you and pulled you close to him by your butt.  

He slowly pulled away and his heart felt like it tore in half at the sight of your teary face. He had been so busy being heartbroken after you left that he didn’t even take a minute to consider this perspective. He was too hurt to even think properly. 

“You could’ve just told me the truth. I would’ve handled them. I would’ve done anything for you, I… I would’ve done whatever it took to keep you safe. You know that, right?” Bucky finally spoke up, sounding much more emotional than he thought he ever could. 

Truth is, before meeting you he always thought that he was incapable of love. But then you walked into his life and everything changed for the better. So when he lost you, without any explanation, he went insane. 

You sighed. “I was scared. I didn’t understand, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was hurting too. You think disappearing out of your life and leaving you behind without saying a proper goodbye was easy?” Your voice cracked as you fought back a sob. “How many times do I have to-,” 

He cut you off. Once he saw the tears accumulating along your water line again. “Okay, okay shh. I just got you back, I don’t wanna fight.” He mumbled, pressing his forehead to yours. 

You sniffled, your heart skipping a beat as his body heat wrapped around you. “I’ve missed you. Every day. I missed you so much. I couldn’t risk reaching out to you to even apologize, I was so scared. I… I didn’t…,” your sentence ended in a whisper, you didn’t know how to articulate your thoughts too well. 

He tightened his arms around you. “It’s okay, baby. Everything is fine now, I found you.” 

You were quiet for a while, enjoying his calming touch and processing all that happened since you stepped inside your apartment tonight. “Are you mad at me?” you asked, seeking to find some sort of sense in all that just happened. 

He sighed, and kissed your forehead. “I was. When I woke up the next morning after you left, I was confused, hurt. Then you didn’t show up for a couple more days and I had my people look you up, and I was told that you were a spy.” His words made you feel uneasy and ashamed of your past. “I was broken, but I never knew what a heartbreak feels like so instead all I felt was anger. But despite all of it, all I wanted was to have you back. Then I found the organization you worked for, and I made sure to destroy it. Since then I’ve been looking for you like a madman.” 

He pulled away to look at you. You managed to look up into his eyes without tearing up again. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. 

He pulled you closer. “I’m sorry too.” 

“I love you.” 

Bucky smiled at you. “Say it again.” 

You reached up and cupped his face in your hands. “I love you. I love you so much and I’m sorry. For everything. I just… I just want you back, please.” 

He leaned in for a kiss, whispering against your lips, “I’m right here, babygirl.” He gently turned to the side and laid you back down on the bed. “I’ve got you now,” he mumbled, pulling away to take his suit jacket off, then his shirt. He tossed both somewhere on the floor and bent down to kiss you again. He kissed down your neck, leisurely; taking his time on you as he unzipped his pants. 

“Buck…” you groaned as he teased you with the soft, feathery touch of his lips. He had been teasing you for so long now, you couldn’t take anymore. Your body felt burning hot again, you needed him. Bad. You needed him like you needed air. 

“Yes, baby?” He asked, kissing down your cleavage; pretending he doesn’t know that you were practically shaking in need. 

You whined, sliding your finger into his dark, soft hair. “I need you. Please, I need you. Now.” You spoke through gritted teeth by the end, tugging at the roots of his hair. 

He chuckled. “So aggressive.” He murmured, kissing up your neck until he reached your mouth. He noticed the way you had unintentionally, gradually parted your legs to accommodate him; your naked body squirming under him, your bare chest pressing up against his, your body heat mixing with his. “I’m gonna take care of you, baby…” he whispered as he lowered his underwear just enough to free his cock. He was rock hard.

You were a whimpering mess by the time he aligned his erected cock to your entrance. You instinctively spread your legs further apart to give him more room. With a slow, steady push, he inserted his length into you. You shuddered, moaning as you felt all of him filling you up. You heard his ragged breaths as he seated himself completely inside you and waited, giving your body time to adjust to him. 

He could still make you tremble in pleasure just like the first time he touched you. Bucky held back his moans and growls as he felt your warmth wrap around him so perfectly. He clenched his jaw as he relished the feeling of being inside of you, finally. 

“Is this what you needed, babygirl?” he asked, looking down at you, and gently grabbing your face, causing you to look up at him. 

You couldn’t talk given how full you were. You just stared at him with parted lips, breathing heavily. Bucky smirked, pulling out just a little before pushing back into you again. You closed your eyes and moaned, arching your back off the surface of the bed again. 

He smirked as he looked down at you. “You waited, didn’t you? You waited only for daddy to stretch you out like this. I know you didn’t let anyone touch you while I wasn’t here.” He remained still as he leaned into your ear, whispering, “The way you’re clenching around my cock right now gives it away.” He chuckled, proud. 

Your face burned. He knew you too well. 

Bucky leaned in to kiss your open mouth, shamelessly shoving his tongue past your parted lips and stroking the inside of your mouth while he began moving in and out of you. He sped up gradually, rocking his hips against yours; his hand reached up to grab your chin gently. He stared into your eyes, speeding up into you again. You gripped the bed sheets as he pounded into you. 

He stretched you out deliciously, perfectly. Filling you up and reaching all the right places as he went. He couldn’t hold back any longer, so he moaned and growled right against your mouth, clenching his jaw or occasionally biting down on your lip as he pounded into you relentlessly. 

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” He spoke as he sped up into you again. You could whine senselessly, overwhelmed by how good he felt deep inside you. 

He leaned down to push his face into your neck as he lifted one of your legs and hooked it to his waist, pushing himself deeper inside you. “Fuck…” he moaned as you clenched hard around him. He down for a moment just to hear you moan wantonly before he sped up again, fucking you relentlessly. “You’re mine. Only mine, you hear me?” 

You nodded, or at least tried to.  

The louder you got, the closer he felt his release coming and the filthier his mouth got. “Your little cunt is mine. Only mine.” He spoke through messy kisses; growling and causing goosebumps to erupt all over your body. “Only I can fuck you like this, you hear me?” Bucky quickened his pace and pounded into you harder than before; the sounds of your skin slapping one another resonated around the modest room. 

Bucky was all you could focus on. The sound of his voice. His body pressing down on yours. His cock inside you. Your walls began to clench tighter around him. His moans, his hot breath against your cheek, his messy kisses. Just him. You had missed him so terribly, and only now did you wonder how in the world did you survive so long without him? 

He took you higher, and higher, and higher until you felt more tears escape your eyes. “Please, Buck…” you whined, begging pathetically and unable to arrange your words or your thoughts any better. “Please…” 

Your eyes were droopy in lust. His eyes were too as he stared down at you with a handsome and arrogant smirk on his face. “Please what, babygirl?” 

His pretty blue eyes put you under a trance. “Please, can I cum?” 

Bucky caressed your cheek with his knuckles, his metal hand holding him up above you. He didn’t know how he managed to survive without you all these months. He was barely living without you. He looked down at you with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. 

“Go on, baby. Cum for me.” 

You let the pressure build inside you, before simply letting go. He didn’t slow down as you felt your orgasm wash over you, Bucky kept pounding into you as your eyes rolled back and you moaned out loud as you came. You whimpered at how he kept slamming into you even as you came, and your face burned as you felt a familiar knot forming again right at your core.

He fucked into you relentlessly. “Fuck…” He panted and groaned at how good you felt around him; wet and warm all for him. Your walls clenched around him violently and your body arched off the bed. 

You felt your second release approaching even before you could recover from the first one. Your leg around his waist was numb but you still wanted more of what he had to give. You would take whatever he gave you in that moment, given you had gone so long without him. 

You felt your mind getting foggy again. His large frame hovering above you as he fucked deeper into you, just a little more. “Cum for me again, baby.” He growled, his lips dangerously close to yours as you whined and whimpered under him. Your body trembled as you came for the second time, walls tightening around his length, gushing out around his cock while he still pounded relentlessly into you until he came as well.

You felt his thrust getting sloppy and irregular until he came to a stop and just groaned as he came violently. His warm cum filled you up and some of it trickled out of you when he carefully removed his cock from your entrance.

He collapsed on the bed beside you, catching his breath before pulling you into him. You were slightly shaking as he wrapped his arms around you, kissing your skin wherever he could, murmuring sweet nothings. 

“You okay, babe?” he asked after a few minutes of just holding you in his arms, in silence; both of you just enjoying each other’s warmth and presence. 

You nodded, placing your arm over his chest and scooting closer to him, pressing up against his side. 

You both remained quiet for a while longer. Thinking about the past, and the future. 

“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” You asked, your brain starting to overthink again. 

Bucky sighed. “Baby I couldn’t stay mad at you even if you intentionally stabbed me through the heart and watched me bleed to death.” 

You took a second to process what he just spoke of, and you made a face at him, showing your horror and concern, which then made him laugh out loud. “You’re sick.” You muttered, placing a gentle kiss to his metal arm. The cold metal against your lips reminded of somewhere you desperately wanted to be - home. 

He shrugged, pulling you closer. “Yeah. Also cruel, devious and pure evil. But you love me nonetheless.” He teased. 

You smiled, your worn out body snuggled up against him. You felt your eyelids drooping as sleep slowly took over you. Today has been a lot. “I do.” You spoke softly. 

Bucky looked down and saw that you were slowly drifting off to sleep. He adjusted the covers so that you were well covered with the warm blankets. He tucked you in and wrapped his arms around you protectively, as though you might slip away from his grasp again. 

“I love you, babygirl. Sleep tight, we’re going home soon.” 

You didn’t respond so he figured you must have fallen asleep. While he hugged your sleeping figure, he thought back on everything you said tonight. Your biggest fear was that you might end up being the reason for his fall. But little did you know that ultimately, you had been the only reason he knew what truly falling in love was like.

[memetaped]

star trek: deep space 9 taken from the tv show.

come on, let’s get you home. 

looks like you need a new bandage. 

it’s good to see you got your appetite back.

you’re lucky you only got singed.

i need to know that you’re here, safe. that way, a part of me will always be safe, too.

get your hands off of me, before i do something i’ll regret.

we’ll see each other again soon. that’s a promise.

whatever it is you’ve been through has taken its toll.

that boy’s life is in our hands, and i won’t let anybody give up on him.

there are too many ways to get into serious trouble here.

get some hot chocolate and tell me about it.

you can channel your feelings of aggression in other ways.

this is important. you and i. things change, but not this.

you’re a great boy, you know that?

you have to leave me here and go on by yourself.

but the thing about dreams is, if you talk about them, they kind of go away faster.

now that kid is here under my protection, and i swear, if you do anything to hurt them, i will make you regret it. is that clear?

everyone has to have someone to confide in, someone to hear their stories.

my heart is too big.

the boy’s in a lot of trouble.

everything’s gonna be all right, but you have to try and stay awake for me.

if you were hurt, i’d leave you behind.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

my dear, you should not be here.

it’s just a nosebleed.

hey, who said anything about being scared?

everyone went out of their way to look after me.

it takes a lot of courage to admit you’re wrong.

you run now, i won’t be able to protect you.

give me that before you hurt yourself.

i don’t need counseling, or relaxation, or time to adjust. i just want to be left alone.

get out.

and i am gonna pray, because i don’t know what else to do.

care for a root beer?

i’ve always loved you. even when i hated you.

before you volunteer too quickly, understand what you’re getting into.

do not hug me.

mom?

i’m not afraid, papa.

you’ve been so kind to me.

i’ve said my piece. sorry for butting in.

you know, why don’t we just call it a day? you obviously have other things on your mind.

i feel sick when i eat. i have pains in my head, in my chest.

you keep moving around, you won’t need any nurse.

i’ve known nothing but violence since i was a child.

what the hell has gotten into your head?

so, now you’re hiding things from me?

i think i could handle some soup.

save your strength

a sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.

so, my young friend, what do you think we’re looking at?

confession is good for the soul.

i’m gonna stay here, take care of the wounded. that includes you.

that’s a very personal question.

is this some kind of joke?

look at me. i need to know you’re going to be all right.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

continually distracted, depressed, and agitated.

you always tighten your brow just a tiny bit whenever you’re about to ask a question.

it’s so small even i can’t stand up in there. look, i’m developing a slouch.

the one good thing about going away is coming home.

you don’t want me hanging around here? fine. i’ll do my thinking someplace else.

i don’t know who’s going to hear this. i don’t even know if i’ll be alive by the time this log is recovered.

we have rights, including the right to be as stubborn or thickheaded as we want.

i know it’s too difficult to speak right now. just rest.

you might say it came to me in a vision.

what are you doing up? you’re supposed to be in bed.

i’ll miss you.

and you’ve got a lot of nerve complaining about being cold when you’re the one wearing the jacket.

the last thing i want is to become a burden to you.

rudeness will get you nowhere.

okay? i’ve forgotten “okay.”

keep your eyes and ears open, follow orders, and try not to get in the way.

it’s not a trick, it’s a choice.

that’s how i think of you. and maybe that’s why sometimes, it’s hard for me to relax around you.

it’s a treatment, not a cure. it’ll prevent hallucinations, take the edge off the depression, but that’s all it’ll do.

you know, that was a very ugly thing you just said.

right now, my head is swimming in bloodwine and i’m going to bed, and so should you.

i’m a little tired. didn’t get much sleep last night.

i appreciate your concern, but i’ll grieve in my own way, in my own time. 

we’ve come to care about what happens to these people.

i know that you’ve been working with the maquis, and right now, i don’t care.

are you some kind of anarchist?

when you take someone’s life, you lose a part of your own as well.

home! i want to go home!

besides, i could never live with myself if something happened to you.

now we either freeze to death or starve to death. take your pick.

isn’t there someone you can talk to? someone you trust?

that’s right. it’s okay. everything’s going to be fine.

take my word for it, you’ll survive.

i don’t know about you, but it’s past my bedtime.

do you want to come color with me?

look, i’m not asking you to like me or to be my friend. i’m asking you to join me, to fight at my side.

sealing the entranceway was a risky thing to do. you nearly brought the whole ceiling down on yourself.

i can’t feel my legs.

“a needle in a haystack” wouldn’t do this job justice.

you ought to get some rest.

don’t deny the violence inside of you. only when you accept it can you move beyond it.

make sure to put your plate in the replicator, sweetie.

you know, it’s attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties.

i feel like someone just walked over my grave.

we need to get you to the infirmary.

enough. you’re pushing yourself too hard.

if that’s how you remember it, you must’ve hit your head harder than i thought you did.

you should take a break. you’ve been working nonstop for days.

well, you tried being alone and it hasn’t done any good. so maybe it’s time to stop brooding and start talking.

are you part of my family?

my leg is broken.

i’ve been looking all over for you.

you’re suffering from a severe form of amnesia.

speak up for yourself while you’re here, okay?

things that would send cold chills down your spine and wake you in the middle of the night.

i’m the one who should be struggling to stay conscious. i’m the one who’s in excruciating pain.

not just a bad dream – bad memories.

are you two fighting again?

i don’t want your sympathy and i don’t need your advice!

you stay a while longer if you want to, but you have to promise me, when the time comes and i tell you to go, you’ll do it.

look, i know it’s too late for an apology. but for what it’s worth, i’m sorry.

why don’t you go to your quarters and lie down for a while?

everyone keeps looking at me. they’re afraid of me.

i’d never felt more alone in all my life.

i’m half-frozen. i haven’t eaten for days. my muscles won’t work anymore!

what you experienced was an artificial reality, an interactive program that created memories of things that never actually happened.

what could be more important than dom-jot?

i’m not sleeping. i’m checking my eyelids for holes.

i’ve found that when it comes to doing what’s best for you, you humanoids have the distressing habit of doing the exact opposite.

you’re going to give yourself indigestion.

speaking of pain, this is probably going to hurt.

i never thought i would say this to you, but you are listening to your heart, not your head.

would you please go on vacation and get out of our hair?

you should take things easy for a while. 

i wish there was something i could do. some way i could promise you that everything is going to be okay.

i’ve done some things i’m not proud of. 

i want to stay with you.

my weakness is i’m too generous, too forgiving.

oh, this is one stubborn infection. how long have you had it?

just to “speak up for myself”, i’m feeling a little betrayed here.

the best way to survive a knife fight is to never get in one.

you can annoy me, bait me, question my very existence. but in the end, we both know i’ve won.

i haven’t seen one of these since i was a kid.

it’s a good weapon – solid, simple. you can drag it through the mud and it’ll still fire.

i’m sorry, i hope i haven’t offended anyone.

little children do that.

you know, eventually, you’re going to have to stop talking and deal with this.

if you come with me, you can be a soldier again.

i still wish you’d given me a little more warning.

you can’t expect me to cure it overnight.

i used to dream about you coming to save me. that’s what kept me alive.

you’ve never had those feelings. you don’t know what it means to really care about another person.

let me put it another way. i don’t want to play cards, and even if i did, i wouldn’t want to play with you.

what’s next? do you want to apologize to me? express your sympathy?

i think you went to your quarters last night and you tossed and turned in bed, because you knew some of the things you said to me concerned me.

you’ve got all the emotions of a stone. no offense.

because i have the bad habit of telling the truth even when people don’t want to hear it.

i’m always suspicious of people who are eager to help a police officer.

for as long as i can remember, i have always been an outsider.

you were wounded. try not to move around.

terrorists don’t get to be heroes.

i’ve never needed a friend more than i do right now.

i cried for you. i missed you so much.

we need to stop the bleeding. we better get you up to the ship.

i’m not afraid of you.

for the moment, why don’t you relax? try not to be so tense, take it easy.

we don’t belong in this time. we’re from the future.

you federation types are all alike. you talk about tolerance and understanding, but you only practice it towards people who remind you of yourselves.

now, i think we should concentrate on getting you comfortable with this weapon.

out there, there are no saints, just people – angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with the federation’s approval or not.

yeah, i just banged my head on something.

it’s life. you can miss it if you don’t open your eyes.

i should have known you’d develop feelings for these people you’ve been living with for the past few years.

there’s nothing you can do. um, i just need some time.

i’ll teach you. it’s a very simple game.

you don’t deserve it. nobody does.

and you want to know why you don’t scare me? because i’m already more scared than i’ve ever been in my life.

oh, please. i’m suffering enough without having to listen to your smug federation sympathy.

i know what it’s like to worry about a child.

last night, it sounded like a takaran wildebeest was tromping around up there.

do you remember my face? even a little?

between you and me, those people have every right to defend themselves.

there’s a time for levity, my young friend, and a time for genuine concern.

why? why do you care so much?

i have to save you from yourself.

just because a group of people belong to the federation, that does not mean that they are saints.

life is yours for the taking. all you have to do is reach out and grab it.

no one on this station is better than anyone else. we’re all equal.

that’s why i came to you, because i knew you’d protect me. you will protect me, won’t you?

just because we don’t understand a life-form, doesn’t mean we can destroy it.

oh, we’re all very good at conjuring up enough fear to justify whatever we want to do.

it’s an expression of affection that you find difficult to accept.

look, i just don’t want anything to happen to you.

as your friend, i have to tell you i’m worried about you.

have i ever told you how much i hate that smug, superior attitude of yours?

and as for bedside manner, i’ve known nicer voles.

you’re the terrorist. you tell me.

i repaid kindness with blood. i was no better than an animal.

you don’t know what it means to care about someone, do you?

i’ll try to keep my problems more quiet next time. 

are you sure you’re all right?

oh, i slept like an alvanian cave sloth.

just watch your back. you’re in danger.

the thing i don’t understand is why you pretended to be my friend.

i have to say goodbye to you.

[mizunetzu]

Hi! I love your writing and I wanted to know if you could do one where the reader is trans masc and their dad is aizawa And no of 1a knows (except aizawa) until someone who went to school with them starts bullying them, and publicly outs them. And so aizawa makes a really big deal, and accidentally mentions that the reader is his kid, But everyone in 1a supports them and are more shocked when they find out their dad is aizawa. Thank you!!!! I know it's weird I just want validation tbh (´-﹏-`；)

Hi hi hi !! I wasn’t sure if this ask requested male pronouns (bc of the use of the word ‘trans masc’) or GN pronouns (bc of the use of the word ‘they’ across the request) feel free to educate me on that!! But for now, I used Male Pronouns!

——————

Platonic! Aizawas trans male kid gets outed

⚠️warnings - mentions of outing, deadnaming, me antagonizing shindo bc haha I needed a bad guy-

Pronouns - male, he/him

——————

Loading off the bus, (Y/n) stretched his arms and let out a huff. He rubbed at his eyes, and activated his quirk slightly to see if it still worked. It wasn’t like it was going to go away, but it became habit to see if he could still do it after a long time or not. A useless habit, you could say.

Though, it was important he still had his quirk, since today was the day he was going to take the Provincial Licensing Exam. Along with his classmates.

(Y/n) strolled around the area, being sure not to stray too far away from his own class and bus. There seemed to be many schools here. Most of them, upperclassmen. (Y/n) swallowed the lump in his throat and stalked up to Kirishima to calm his nerves.

Kirishima spotted him, giving him a curt slap on the back. (Y/n) coughed, adjusting his hero costumes chest area.

“Yo! Aren’t you excited for this thing? Whaddya think we’re gonna do?”

(Y/n) let out a timid laugh, his voice noticeably deep, but almost borderline androgynous. Like he was trying to force it to go lower than it naturally was. An ear perked up from somewhere behind (Y/n). “Yeah, I’m getting kinda pumped u-“

“Well-I certainly wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

That sickeningly sweet voice made (Y/n) scrunch up his nose. He didn’t turn around. Nevertheless, the voice kept going. “Eh, well, that’s a lie. Your face was practically plastered everywhere on tv.”

“Tell me-how’s it feel to go to the famous UA, Sayaka-chan?”

(Y/n) kept his eyes fixated on the ground, still facing Kirishima as he looked between the two, confused.

“Uh-I think you got the wrong guy, dude. This dudes well...a dude.”

“Mm?” The boy was taken aback, before smirking and leaning next to (Y/n’s) ear. He said, rather loudly, “You didn’t tell them, Sayaka?”

“Shut up, Shindo.” (Y/n) voice was quiet. It wasn’t as deep as it was ‘normally’, but it sounded very much less strained. Kirishima seemed to catch on, though he said nothing, out of respect. Though, Shindo did the exact opposite.

“Don’t be so rude, Yaka-chan! I’m just saying hi to my old friend!” Shindo turned to Kirishima, as the UA students started noticing their little show. That-and a scruffy man, who was now completely ignoring what Ms Joke was saying to turn his ears on hyperfocus. “Don’t mind her. I guess she’s on her period today or something.”

“Ne-what’s happing here? Do you know (Y/n)-kun or something?” Mina said. (Y/n) cringed at hearing his name. He knew Shindo was going to say it. Don’t say it. Don’t-

“(Y/n)? That’s the name Sayaka-chan goes by these days?”

His seemingly friendly smile made (Y/n) want to puke. Mina titled her head. “Sayaka? You probably have the wrong person. This is (Y/n).”

Shindo turned to (Y/n), his dirty, smug glare being hidden behind a innocent, confused smile. “You really didn’t tell them, Sayaka?”

Shindo took a deep breath in. (Y/n) pursed his lips. “Don’t fucking-“

“Sayaka here,” Shindo slung an arm around the boy. “She’s a crossdresser. She’s ‘trans’. Isn’t that great?”

(Y/n) noticeably stiffened, biting his lip harshly and keeping his eyes pointed harshly at the ground like it was the only way to keep tears from flowing. He clenched his knuckles in embarrassment.

Before (Y/n), Mina, or Kirishima could say something, a hunched over, dark figure placed a hand on Shindo’s shoulder. His nice boy smile dropped. Aizawa, uncharacteristically, looked like he was seething.

“Shindo. Kid. Get away from my son. Before I find your teacher.”

Kirishimas eyes widened while Mina gasped. Son? Shindo bit back a snarl. He smiled irritably and put his sweet tone back on. “What? I’m just talking to Sayaka-chan-“

“His name is (Y/n). If you really want to be a hero, I suggest not being a nuisance to my son or any of my students.” Aizawa grumbled.

Shindo scoffed. “I’m sorry I offended you, mr...scruffy man. I’m not sure which son you’re talking about, though. Don’t you have a daughter-?”

Aizawa reached for his capture weapon, eyes glaring a Ruby red. Shindou was about to lurch forward when Ms Joke stepped in between the two. She huffed, turning to Shindo first.

“Shindo-kun, should you be changing into your hero costume about now? Go do that! The class already went ahead without you!”

Shindo gasped, his persona back on like a mask. “Oh! That’s right! I’m sorry Miss! See you guys! Do your best!”

Shindo turned to (Y/n), in a low whisper. “See you, Sayaka.” And timpered off. Ms Joke turned to Aizawa.

“And you!” She put her arms on her hips. “Just because your kid’s being teased a bit doesn’t mean you have to reach for your weapon!”

Aizawa seemingly let go of his scarf he’d been clutching for a while now. His hair flopped down and framed his face once more. “He wasn’t teasing. He’s been bullying my son since his 2nd year of middle school.”

(Y/n) was awkwardly standing behind Aizawa. Since they had no intention of bringing him in personally to the conversation, he shoved his hands into his pockets. It was then he noticed the majority of 1A staring at him.

He paled. Flashbacks of Shindo publicly outing him whipped by his mind, along with the way he hid his disgusted glare when he came out as trans initially in his 2nd year of middle school. It was his third year and (y/n’s) second year, Shindo being one of (y/n’s) closest friends until he became a ‘crossdresser’.

Were his new UA classmates going to to treat him the same? Would all the girls and boys be hesitant to undress themselves with him nearby, because he’s a “lesbian/girl perving on the guys”? Was he going to have to mend all of these relationships from the start again? A bottomless pit dug into his stomach. He didn’t want that.

Stagnant air filled the atmosphere as everyone stared at (y/n). Already thinking of excuses, explanations, anything, he opened his mouth to speak.

“I-“

“You’re Aizawa’s son?!” Kaminari yelled, pointing a finger at (y/n). (Y/n) blinked, letting out a confused “eh?”

Mina popped in, flailing her arms in the air like Iida, but less stiff. “Dude! That’s so cool! You think you can tell him to round my 48 into a 90 from last weeks quiz?!”

Slowly but surely, his classmates started crowding around him, all talking at once. There were “Ohh-I can see the resemblance now!”s and “dude how are you still alive?!”s. Everyone seemed to forget what Shindo was talking about.

(Y/n) stood silent. “You guys...aren’t going to mention it?”

Most everyone stopped talking. Sero stepped forward. “Does it really matter? Your still our classmate, man. Plus, Aizawas your fuckin’ dad.”

Murmurs of agreement mused out from the surrounding crowd of UA students. (Y/n) smiled, attempting to answer every question about him or Aizawa as possible.

Ms Joke whistled from far away. Aizawa sleepily lolled his head towards her away from watching his son carefully, seeing if any students acted rudely in anyway.

“So your class didn’t know he was...y’know.”

“Mm.” Aizawa hummed. “Though, they seem to be more interested in him being my son than him not being ‘born a son’. M’glad that they’re bothering him instead of me. But knowing them, they’ll probably ask me some things after the exam.”

“I’m not meaning this in any mean way, but,” Ms Joke was oddly serious. “How are you so fine with this...change? It’s not like I’m saying it’s wrong, no, but you accepted it rather quickly and his transition happened pretty much overnight.”

“Does it really matter if he’s a boy or a girl or not? He’s still a pain in the ass. You don’t need a specific gender to be a problem child. As long as he’s keeping up with hero training and classes, I don’t really care.”

Aizawas eyes betrayed his words. They were dry, as usual, but they observed his students every move, every word they throw at his kid like he was stalking his prey. Like he was subtly saying “Say one misgendering thing, and I’ll expel you.”

In the end, Aizawa was a big softie. His child was happy, and that was fine by him. And, he’s less to deal with when he’s happy. His words, not mine. Ms Joke sighed, knowing her answer, and faced forward.

“Go out with me!”

“Go to hell.”

——————

I’m sorry for assigning a ‘dead name’ in this fic; and I’m sorry if this fic was actually a they/them one!! Sincerest apologies :(

[tinyboxxtink]

"...So I Married A Monster" *Chapter 2*

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Man we just skipped the happy fun times here and went straight into the fire, didn't we? Zero to hundred REAL quick.

What can I say guys, writing is therapy. And I have a lot of demons.

Eventually we'll get some fluff....eventually. Maybe.

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@storiesofsvu

------------------

Rafael went to his car and began to think. He had to trust you would listen to what you said, if you loved him like he loved you, you would. But the thought that terrified him more than losing you right now was that William Lewis was back, and on the loose. He dialed Liv’s number as he sped back towards New York City.

“Liv,” He said very seriously as soon as she answered. “He’s back. Lewis is back,”

Meanwhile

You started to pull yourself together when you heard a small noise from the corner of the room. You saw Maggie standing there with her mouth open.

“Oh baby--” You stood up and walked over to her.

“Why was he saying that, mom?” She had lost her sassy demeanor, and was now just a scared little girl.

“I…” You put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know, baby girl,”

“I bet it’s because he’s jealous,” She scoffed, now resuming her angry flippant self. “He’s jealous dad is a better dude than him. I don’t know why--”

“We are not getting into this again, Margaret,” You used her full name, letting her know you meant business.

“You don’t…” Maggie paused. “You don’t believe him, do you mom?”

“What?” You blinked, trying to decide whether or not to answer honestly. Her big doe eyes looked at you, begging you to confirm that her dad was the man she thought he was.

“...No, of course not sweetie,” You shook your head and pulled her into a huge hug.

But you weren’t entirely sure at all.

-------------------

The Next Day In The SVU Office

Rafael and the squad had been working all night since he had made the call to Olivia. The squad room was now full of a corkboard full of all of William’s aliases, past transgressions, etc. Except now your name along with Maggie and Kylie’s names were added on a side stem, with “Billy Loomis?” written above it.

“So, you’re sure this chick hasn’t been helping William this whole time? Helping him hideout?” Fin asked Barba.

“What?” Rafael gasped. “No, not at all. No way,” He shook his head violently. “She didn’t even know who he was,”

“....Mmmhmm,” Fin gave the others a look.

“Look Fin I didn’t come here to here you insult my girlfriend--”

“Your girlfriend?” Nick asked. “Didn’t you say she kicked you out?”

“I don’t care, when she realizes--”

“And what if she doesn’t?” Olivia chimed in. “What if she does try to help him now?”

“Olivia!” He looked at her in betrayal. “Come on, you don’t think--”

“You said that he already convinced her to kick you out by just a few words on the phone,” Olivia pointed out. “Now that he knows you two are involved he is gonna try like hell to drive that wedge further and further,”

“But he won’t be able to if she finds out who he is,” Rafael rebutted.

“But if she won’t look, she won’t know,” Olivia stood her ground.

“She’ll look,” Rafael reiterated. “I know she will,”

----------------------

Back at your house

It was late at night, the girls were asleep and you were on your phone in your bed with a bottle of wine. You had brought a glass to bed with you, but you were drinking straight out of the bottle.

What Rafael said yesterday was eating at you. But what was eating at you more was the fact that you were starting to believe him over the man you had shared your life with for almost a decade, a man who you had two children with.

You looked at your phone which had your text thread with Rafael pulled up on it. You went through all the texts you had ever sent. The late night conversations, the little texts in the middle of the day just to say he missed you. He was so good to you, he always had been. He would never lie to you...would he?

You closed the text thread and opened up GOOGLE. You looked to the sky and asked God to forgive you for betraying the father of your children like this; but it had to be done. You typed in the name “WILLIAM LEWIS” and hit “SEARCH”.

---------------------------

At Rafael’s Home

Rafael was staring at the text thread between you from his own phone, rubbing the screen with his thumb. He wanted so badly to call you, but he knew he needed to trust you to do this on your own. Plus, he was sure you wouldn’t answer if he called anyway. While he was staring longingly at his phone, it lit up:

UNKNOWN NUMBER CALLING

He had a pit of dread forming in his stomach, but he answered the phone anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hello there, counselor,”

“How did you get this number?”

“My lovely wife gave it to me, obviously,”

“You’re lying,”

“Am I?”

“Yes, she wouldn’t do that,”

“Oh really?” He chuckled darkly. “You really think she cares about you that much?”

“I know she does,”

“Well, you know that’s really unfortunate for you, because you won’t see her or my kids again,”

“Why are you doing this?” Rafael asked. “Why do you even have a family? What are you going to do with them?!”

“What?” He laughed. “Nothing, counselor. I assure you,”

“Bullshit,”

“No actually, it’s not,” William explained. “Y’know after I had my little...adventure, in New York. I went off the grid. Wanted to live a normal life for a little while. And then I met Y/N,”

“Uh huh..” Rafael listened impatiently.

“And then I fell in love with her, and we had two beautiful girls. And I love those girls more than anything in this world, Barba,” He explained.

“You’re a fucking liar,” Rafael spit. “You don’t know how to love,”

“Believe it or not I do,” William smirked. “I just...don’t show it in a normal way,”

“Right,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Hey, look,” William defended. “I was in love with Y/N for a while, I really was. And then--”

“Then what?”

“Then, she got a little naggy,” William shrugged. “She got on my nerves, and I got that itch again,”

“That itch?”

“Y’know, that...itch,”

“You wanted to kill her,”

“I did,” William admitted. “But I figured killing mommy wouldn’t be something I could get past the kiddos, so I scratched that itch in other places,”

“She did say you travelled a lot…’for work’,” Rafael recalled a conversation he had about him before with you one time, in passing. If only he knew what he knew now.

“Yeah,” William chuckled to himself.

His ‘work’ was quite extensive. And it was exhausting trying to lead a double life, but he was being honest when he said he loved his girls. He really did. He loved them more than anything or anyone he had before, maybe ever. He’d never let anyone hurt them...or turn them against him.

“Anyhow,” He continued. “Y’know I may not be in love with Y/N anymore, but you know what I hate?”

“What?”

“People touching my things,” Lewis growled.

“She is not a THING, Lewis. She’s not even yours anymore,” Rafael yelled.

“See I know you’ve never been married Barba, so maybe you don’t understand this,” Lewis lowered his voice to an eerily calm manner. “But when you marry someone, in front of God and everyone you love, it creates a bond. An everlasting bond,”

“Oh give me a break--”

“And that bond, cannot be broken. ‘Till death do us part,”

“...Are you threatening her?” Rafael was vibrating with rage.

“No, of course not counselor,” William replied innocently. “However, if you were to help her break those vows….I might be forced to,”

“Excuse me?”

“Until death do us part, Barba,” William repeated. “That means either she stays faithful to me, or I’ll have to kill her,”

“Don’t you DARE touch her Lewis, do you hear me?!” Rafael’s blood was boiling.

“Well I won’t have to, as long as you leave her be,” William replied calmly.

“....You won’t get away with this,” Rafael growled.

“Oh I think I will,” William smirked. “Because if you send anyone after me, she will die,”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Rafael growled. “You just said your kids would--”

“So maybe mommy gets in a car wreck on the way home, or God forbid robbed in a parking lot!” Lewis taunted Rafael with an evil laugh.

“You’re the fucking devil, you know that?”

“Maybe, but I know I’m a man who gets what he wants,” Lewis chuckled. “I’ll let you go Barba, I know you’re a busy man. And remember, I’ll be watching!”

And with that he hung up on Rafael.

------------------

Almost immediately after hanging up with Lewis, Rafael’s phone lit up again.

Y/N CALLING

“Holy shit…” He blinked in disbelief at the phone. How did you know?

“...Y/N?”

“Rafa,” You tried to keep yourself from crying, you couldn’t wake up the girls. “Rafa I...I saw William Lewis,”

“Oh god,” Rafael put a hand over his head. “Baby, I am so, so--”

“No, I’m sorry,” You cut him off. “I should have listened to you, I should have googled him, not kicked you out,”

“You didn’t know…”

“No but you did, and I should have trusted you. That’s what you do when you--” You paused, never having had said it out loud before.

“....When you what?” He waited with bated breath.

“When you love someone,” You bit your lip, hoping it wasn’t too late to say.

“I knew it,” He smiled to himself. “I knew you loved me. I knew he was full of shit,”

“What do you mean he?” Your eyes quirked.

“Shit,” Rafael realized he misspoke. “Um, well--”

“He called you, didn’t he?” You asked.

“...He said you gave him my number,” Rafael confessed.

“I didn’t, I swear to God Rafa I didn’t,” Tears stung your eyes. “I-I don’t know how he--”

“It’s fine, carino,” He assured you. “He has his ways, I know that,”

“Okay…” You said softly, not really sure he believed you. Damn Billy. Damn him to hell.

“Speaking of ‘his ways’--,” Rafael added with an uncomfortable clearing of his throat.

Oh God. What was he going to say?

“He...we…” Rafael tried to get the words out, he really didn’t want to say them out loud.

“He what, Rafael?” You pressed him.

“He said that I can’t see you again,” He closed his eyes as the words fell out of his mouth.

“What?” You nearly dropped the wine bottle all over your sheets.

“I can’t--” He started to repeat himself.

“No,” You cut him off. “No that is not--” There was no way in hell Billy was going to keep you from Rafael, not now.

“He said he would kill you, Y/N,” Rafael said very pensively.

“Well why hasn’t he done it already?!” You raised your voice, quickly looking to the door to make sure the girls hadn’t heard you. They hadn’t.

“He said your kids wouldn’t forgive him, and he really does love them,” He relayed what Lewis had told him.

“Ugh,” You gagged. “I can’t believe that son of a--”

“Y/N I believe him,” Rafael interjected.

“About what?”

“All of it,” He sighed. “I...I think he really does love your daughters,”

“...Really?”

“Yeah, he said that’s why he left. He wanted to scratch his...itch, somewhere else,”

“Oh my god…” You wanted to vomit thinking about all the “business trips” Billy used to take. If you only knew what kind of “business” he was in.

“...And I also think he’ll be good on his word of having you killed,”

“Having me killed?” You snorted. “By who?”

“Guys like him, they know plenty of...dark people,” He rubbed his eyes, he was getting a headache from all of this worrying. “He probably has people watching your house right now,”

“No, there’s no--” You looked out your window and down the street. Nothing looked out of place, but now you were paranoid. “...There’s no way, I would notice. I’m pretty sure,”

“Look we may be worried about nothing,” The idea just occurred to Rafael’s mind.

“Nothing? Really?” You laughed sarcastically.

“Well look, if Lewis thinks that you believed him over me, just...just keep him thinking that,” He hated the idea of you pretending to still...like, Lewis but he needed you safe.

“You want me to just go about my life like I don’t know my ex-husband is a psychopath?!” You hissed, really attempting to keep your voice down. The girls definitely could not hear any of this. Ever.

“Just for now,” Rafael assured you.

“Do you really think he’ll think I chose to believe him over you?” You twirled your hair nervously.

“Well, I mean you didn’t--” He paused. “You’ve never mentioned me before, maybe he’ll just think we were a...a fling or something,”

“I was introducing you to my kids!” You cried. “I think that’s a little more than a fling,”

“Okay fair point,” Rafael shook his head. “But, it would make perfect sense that you would just believe him at his word that I was the bad guy, right? He’s the father of your children, I’m just some guy you were having sex with for a few months,”

“No you aren’t,” You bit back tears hearing him drag your relationship like that. “You know you’re more than that,”

“I mean for the sake of the lie, amor,” He said with a somewhat endearing tone. He liked the fact that you made sure he knew that was a bunch of shit.

“I guess,” You shrugged, still not liking the idea of having to shit on what you and Rafael had. Even if it was just acting. But you had to, for your life. And for your children’s lives.

“Rafael, what if he suspects something? What if he kidnaps the girls?” Your mind was racing with worst case scenarios.

“Y/N I’m telling you, if you just play it cool, he’ll never think anything else about this,” Rafael tried to comfort you through the phone, but he knew it was somewhat fruitless without him being able to touch and hold you.

“....And I’m just supposed to live like this?” You felt tears in your voice. “Just...just never see you again? After I just told you I--”

“Just for now, mi vida,” He tried not to to start crying himself. He had to be the strong one here. “Just until I can-- figure something else out,”

“...I just want you here,” You whimpered.

Your whimpers pierced his heart like a million knives. All he wanted in that moment was to be next to you, holding you while you cried. Protecting you with his life. But he knew in reality, this was how he had to protect you. And your girls.

“I know…” He nodded his head, a few tears dropping down his face. “I just want to be there,”

“...I-I need to go, it’s late. The girls will be getting up for school soon,” You wiped tears from your own face, putting the wine bottle back in your side table.

“Alright, mi amor,” He said softly, not really wanting to hang up. He didn’t know when the next time he’d be able to hear your voice was going to be, and he wanted every second he had left with you.

“Don’t…” He bit back the sobs in his tone. “Don’t call me, or text me. Wait for me to contact you, okay?”

“What?” Your voice went up a register higher. Now you didn’t want to hang up with him, if he was going to ghost you like this. “No, Raf please, we haven’t--”

“I know,” He rubbed his eyes. “I know we’ve never not talked for even a day, I know. And it’s going to kill me, just know that. You’re my best friend, Y/N,”

“Really?” You blinked in surprise. “Even over Olivia?”

“...Don’t tell her,” He cry-laughed. He knew that would be the last time he laughed for a while.

“You’re my best friend too, Rafael,” You were really crying now. “Ever since I met you, you’ve made my life better. And now I’ve gone and fucked it--"

“Hey,” He stopped you with a stern tone. “No. You didn’t do anything wrong here, you understand me? That’s-- that’s not why I’m cutting you off, okay? I’m not punishing you, please know that,”

“...I know,” You replied in a soft voice, almost like a little girl scared of the dark.

“Okay, good,” He breathed in relief. He couldn’t live with himself if you blamed yourself for this mess.

“I promise-- I swear to you, as soon as I think it’s safe I will come straight to you,” He promised. “The very second,”

“Okay,” You nodded in a more controlled, mature tone. You had to be strong now, you didn’t want him to think you were a blubbering idiot without him. You had survived three long years on your own, you could do it again. You hoped.

“I love you, Y/N,” Rafael repeated it for the third time that day. You wished you could record it and play it over and over again, falling asleep to it.

“I love you too Rafael,” You sniffled.

“...Talk soon,” He said softly, then hung up before he could change his mind about the whole thing.

You both cried yourself to sleep that night.

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (08)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Series: CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 9

warnings: unrealistic court happenings i am not a lawyer ok mention of physical abuse, drinking problems, child trauma, mental illness, and infidelity. I want to build a whole new world in this fic that’s why i also didn’t research about divorce trials I’m sorry. OC is kind of annoying/disappointing in this chapter (?) or not (?) Young Choi Soobin of TXT is the kid in this chapter’s moodboard

Jeongguk was the ex-boyfriend Red was talking about.

You figured this out when you were at Seokjin's party. Frankly, the way your soulmate was looking at Red was already a giveaway, but then you had to confirm it yourself.

The only way to do that was to either confront Jeongguk or your assistant.

You chose neither and it was because you were afraid to hear what they would or wouldn't say. This being said, you resorted to your last option.

"Come on..." It was hard to sit on the floor when you're wearing a damn long dress, but this didn't stop you from rummaging through Red's personal things.

It's the middle of the night. You left Jeongguk at your apartment right after he reached his high.

You just wanted to teach him a lesson for being a brat. He was always so rude to you and you honestly thought that he was just in denial—that soon enough, he would realize that you two were really destined to be together.

Apparently, that wasn't going to happen.

You went to your office at one in the morning just to find something that would verify your speculation. You got what you wanted. The photograph of Jeongguk kissing your assistant confirmed it.

Your tears fell.

You didn't know why you felt betrayed. It wasn't like they wanted this. They hadn't done anything wrong. Fate was just cruel. Why didn't you meet Jeongguk first? You couldn't blame him for falling in love with Red—she was sweet, beautiful, and smart. Anyone would definitely like her, so you had no choice but to swallow the lump in your throat and accept this.

You just had to pretend like everything was alright.

It wasn't.

The divorce trial was near and there were still so many things you had to fix. Work was seriously draining the hell out of you and it wasn't like Jeongguk was helping. He was actually adding up to the stress you were feeling.

Jeongguk was giving you the silent treatment and no—it wasn't the type of silence you were used to. Before Seokjin's party, your soulmate was quiet, but not really. He would occasionally huff to let you know that he was annoyed at you. He would also stamp his feet and slam the door just to spite you.

You didn't mind. You knew he was just being a brat; however, things were different now.

After the night of Seokjin's party, Jeongguk changed. He was eerily silent, always avoiding eye contact with you.

You tried talking to him. Regrettably, you were only greeted by stillness.

"You want pizza, Gukkie?"

Nothing.

"Have you watched the latest episode of Start-up?"

Still nothing.

"Did you have a good sleep?"

Nope. Nothing. Nada.

"Wanna make out on the couch?"

Jeongguk's head jolted to your direction. His eyes were wide, cheeks turning crimson because of your bold statement.

"Hey!" You giggled, clearly happy with his reaction. "You finally looked at me!"

Jeongguk shook his head and then he went straight to his room.

You were unbelievable.

You pouted your lips, giving up. You had a feeling that he would come around.

He did. Days later, Jeongguk surprised you when he stood right in front of the door of your apartment. He was blocking your way out.

"Gukkie, I'm going to be late." You sighed. He reminded you of Miri, your cat that's always trying to stop you from leaving.

"You can't leave." His jaw clenched.

You let out a breath once again.

"Don't do this please. Mr. Kim needs me,"

The trial was happening today. You needed to run down a few things with your client before you go to the court room.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Jeongguk folded his arms over his chest.

You stared at him.

"I don't get what?" It was hard to keep your composure when the thing you had been trying to avoid for so long was being rubbed in your face. You knew exactly what Jeongguk was implying.

"—that you want me to drop this case because you want Red all to yourself?"

Jeongguk froze. What was the point of staying silent when you always knew what was running inside his head?

You just always knew.

"You don't have to pretend that you care about Soobin's well-being. I have enough people doing just that," you slightly pushed Jeongguk to the side so that you could pass through the door.

Ah, people.

They're all the same, always trying to conceal their self-interest by pretending that they care for others.

You liked Jeongguk—actually; you were convinced you loved him. He was your soulmate after all, but sometimes love wasn't enough to just give into what he wanted.

This wasn't about your relationship. This was about Soobin's welfare. He's just a child. You were a lawyer who swore an oath to protect the oppressed and incapable. You were their voice.

It sounded cheesy, but this was the type of person you aspired to be. The world was already dark, it wouldn't hurt to be someone's light.

Jeongguk didn't understand your reasons. It was evident when he showed up in court to watch you defend Kim Seokjin.

At first, you thought your eyes were failing you. Was he really here? Was he really the man at the back of the room wearing that big hoodie?

It was him. The familiar scowl on his face said so. Jeongguk was the only person who looked at you like you had offended his whole family.

"All rise!"

You turned to your client upon hearing the bailiff's demand.

"It's going to be alright," assured by you.

Seokjin smiled. He was looking at Red instead of you. He needed the comfort of his soulmate.

Red grinned back. She wasn't worried. She trusted you. She was certain you would succeed. Soobin wasn't going to be taken away from his father.

The first few minutes of the trial went smooth. You had your story straight and with the way the judge was nodding; you instantly knew she was in favor of your side.

Unfortunately, things started to go ugly during the cross-examination of witnesses.

Jung Hoseok was the first one to take the stand. He was the expert witness.

"You are the marriage counselor of Mr. and Mrs. Kim for months now, right?"

"Yes." Hoseok answered the opposing counsel. It was weird seeing him this serious. Your friend was always grinning, but you told him to try to keep a neutral face. This way, the judge and the jury wouldn't know if he was caught off guard by the question of the other side's attorney.

"Mr. Jung, is it true that marriage counselors rarely suggest divorce to their clients?"

"Depends—" Hoseok bit his tongue. You told him to simply answer yes or no. Be responsive to the question and never explain. "I mean, yes."

"And yet here we are..." Ms. Choi, the opposing attorney, shrugged her shoulders.

"Objection!" You stood up. "Relevance?"

You didn't understand why Ms. Choi asked that question to Hoseok when she's just shrugging it off now.

"Sustained." The judge felt the same way.

Ms. Choi raised her hand as if surrendering.

"My bad. I'm just curious, you know? If Mr. Jung is indeed an effective counselor, then why did he suggest that the Kim couple push through the divorce?"

Ms. Choi was furrowing her brow at Hoseok.

"Isn't that true, Counselor Jung? You told Mrs. Kim that it's better to end her marriage with Mr. Kim?"

"Yes." The expert witness answered truthfully.

The opposing side's attorney smiled mockingly.

"It's because you feared for Mrs. Kim's safety, right?"

"What?" Jung Hoseok was lost.

"Come on, Mr. Jung you know exactly what I am talking about! You found out that Mr. Kim is an alcoholic and you are scared that he might harm Mrs. Kim and Soobin, right?" Ms. Choi pointed at the five year old kid who was busy coloring books in the far corner of the room. He was with Seokjin's mother.

"Objection, Your Honor! Compound question!" You glared at Ms. Choi.

"Sustained." The judge clenched her jaw. "Ms. Choi, separate your questions. You are misleading the jury..."

Ms. Choi was flustered, yet she still held her head high. She knew she had the upper hand here.

"Is Mr. Kim alcoholic, Mr. Jung?" She tried again.

Hoseok cleared his throat.

"He had a history of abusing alcohol years ago."

"And you know this because you're also a licensed alcohol and drug counselor, correct?"

"Yes..."

"And Mr. Kim Seokjin also told you about his issue with regard to alcohol abuse?"

"Yes." Hoseok swallowed hard.

There were papers that could attest to Hoseok's claim. This was a win for Mrs. Kim. You could see her growing sarcastic smile that was directed at Red.

You inhaled deeply.

"Mr. Jung, can you please tell us the rate of patients going through alcohol relapse?"

"Uh, it's sixty to ninety percent after the first year of treatment," answered by Hoseok.

"I see. How long has it been since Mr. Kim sobered up?"

"As far as I know, it has been three years."

"Huh." Ms. Choi crossed her arms. "So is there a possibility that Mr. Kim would experience an alcohol relapse?"

"Yes."

"What's the statistical probability, Mr. Jung?"

"About fifty percent high." Hoseok looked dejected. He wanted to help Seokjin win the case, but he couldn't lie.

"I see." Ms. Choi was smiling as if she had already won the case.

"Can you tell us now the effects of experiencing an alcohol relapse? Or a slip?"

Hoseok's palms were sweating. Slip was one episode of drinking alcohol after trying to stay sober. Relapse, on the other hand, was the return to unhealthy behavior. Slip wasn't always followed by a relapse.

Hoseok also explained that there were different stages of relapse. Emotional relapse could cause suppression of emotions, becoming more isolated, trying to blame other people, and aggression, especially when they were confronted. There's also mental and physical relapse which included glamorizing alcohol and compulsive desires to drink.

"No further questions, Your Honor." The corner of Ms. Choi's mouth turned up upon realizing that the jury was in favor of their side now.

You had to step up your game.

The next witness was Son Chae-young. She was Soobin's babysitter. Chae-young had been living with the Kims ever since Soobin was born. She's a witness testifying against Seokjin.

Chae-young cleared her throat when your eyes landed on her. She already felt uncomfortable because of the way you were looking at her.

The way you stand up—shoulder down, neck long—was intimidating.

"You have a really nice necklace, Ms. Son."

Chae-young flinched upon hearing your compliment. She was confused. Mrs. Kim and Attorney Choi told her that you were scary, this was evident by the way you present yourself, but then...the way your eyes light up made her feel at ease. Your voice was soft too.

"Ah...thanks," regardless of your sweet persona, Chae-young still couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Why were you looking at her as if she was important? As if you were here to protect and not cross-examine her?

"Is it from Cartier?"

"Yes!" The babysitter beamed at you as she touched her pretty jewelry.

You smiled warmly at her.

"Did you buy it yourself?"

"Objection! Relevance?" The opposing lawyer clenched her fist. She was shaking, causing you to smile bigger. Guess she knew what was coming to her, huh?

"I'm getting there, Your Honor," said by you. Your expression screamed confidence that the judge was compelled to believe you.

"Overruled."

You continued.

"So...Ms. Son, did you buy that necklace? Or is it a gift?"

"Uh..." Chae-young's lips trembled. She was looking at Mrs. Kim, as if she was asking for her boss' help. "I-I bought it for myself..."

"I see." You nodded. Humoring her. "Do you have any other job aside from babysitting Kim Soobin?"

The nanny shook her head.

"N-No. I'm a full-time nanny of Mrs. Kim's son." Chae-young's lips were still shaking; her eyes were quivering as well.

"Hm, interesting..." You went closer to the witness. "That means you're earning what? Two hundred fifty dollars a month?"

"Objection, Your Honor! I still can't see the relevance of this!" Ms. Choi was losing her mind.

You turned to glare at her.

"Can’t you really see the relevance of this or are you just scared?"

You heard the judge's hit the gavel; she was calling your attention.

"Get to the point right now." The judge demanded at you. It was this or your statement was going to be sustained.

"I am merely establishing my point, Your Honor." Your voice was rough. "The necklace Ms. Son is wearing is worth four thousand three hundred dollars. I know because I have the same necklace and it took me, a lawyer, months!" You paused for a while just to emphasize the word months, "to buy it."

You turned to Chae-young when the judge remained silent.

"So tell me, Ms. Son, how can a full-time nanny like you who's earning minimum wage buy that kind of luxurious jewelry? Huh?" You were standing too close to the witness so Attorney Choi used this as an opportunity to object.

"Your Honor, she is badgering the witness!"

"Overruled." But the judge wasn't having any of it. "Answer the question, Ms. Son."

"I'm sorry!" The nanny's face twisted in fear. "Mrs. Kim bought it for me—"

"It's a gift!" Mrs. Kim blurted out, unable to contain her anger anymore. God. She hated you. "I bought it for her last month! It's my birthday gift for her!"

You smirked. Attorney Choi was panicking. She was caressing Mrs. Kim's hand, telling her to calm down.

Sadly, Mrs. Kim could not be stopped.

"Why am I explaining to you when you have no right to question my intention! It's my money so I get to decide what to do with it!"

She was yelling at you and it almost made you laugh. Why was she so defensive?

"May I remind you that you are a married woman, Mrs. Kim? You have to consider your husband's decision when it comes to spending that amount of money." You said this while glancing at the jury.

Base on their expressions, you knew that they agreed with you. This was a win on your side. One of the valid reasons of Seokjin for wanting a divorce was this. Mrs. Kim didn't know how to manage their assets.

You weren't done, though. You had to discredit the witness. You had to win the jury's side in all aspects.

"And you said you bought it last month for Ms. Son's birthday?" You shook your head, focusing your eyes at the nanny.

"Tell us, Ms. Son, when is your birthday?"

Mrs. Kim's face became pale upon hearing your question.

"January seventeen...”

You turned your attention back to Mrs. Kim again.

"Your birthday present is many months late, Mrs. Kim. Either that or you're just lying to hide the fact that you gave Ms. Son the necklace in exchange of testifying against your husband—"

"Objection—"Attorney Choi tried to stop you, but you cut her off too.

"Isn't that right, Ms. Son? You are bribed by your boss to say that you always see Mr. Kim Seokjin drinking alcohol—"

"Your Honor—" The opposing attorney was losing control, her objections were drowning because of how loud your voice was.

"Mrs. Kim wants you to lie! To say that her husband isn't a good father! That he isn't a good influence to Soobin!"

"Yes!"

You stopped trying to pressure Chae-young because it already worked. She admitted the truth.

"Mrs. Kim bribed me!" The babysitter sobbed, looking at you like you were the Lord and she was a sinner.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I-I can't say no, please...please...I need this job!"

"You bitch!" Mrs. Kim abruptly stood up. She wanted to attack you; fortunately the security officers were able to stop her.

The jury was surprised to see Mrs. Kim's violent reaction. You, on the other hand, didn't even flinch.

You were used to this kind of scene. Besides, you couldn't get sidetracked. You still needed to prove your point.

And so you faced the jury.

"Is this the kind of person that you want to raise a sweet, innocent five year-old kid?"

One of the members of the jury clutched her chest. She was affected by what you had said. Truthfully, they were almost decided to grant the sole custody to Mrs. Kim; however, upon seeing the latter's behavior, the jury was having second thoughts now.

"Just look at her!" You pointed at Mrs. Kim who was still seething with rage.

"She constrained an adult! Imagine the bad things she could force Soobin to do! Mrs. Kim is a manipulator!" You raised your voice dramatically.

"My actions are nothing compared to what that asshole is doing!" Mrs. Kim screamed as she angrily pointed at her husband.

She was crying.

Kim Seokjin was quiet. He was shocked by your responses. He didn't expect you to be this bold. You were different from the lawyer he thought he knew.

You didn't have any limit. You didn't know when to stop just to prove a point.

"He's teaching my son that it's okay to be unfaithful to your wife! Jury, please!" Mrs. Kim was desperate. "Don't let him come near my son! He's a drunken bastard!"

The judge was hitting the gavel again. There were too much drama and unnecessary comments from Mrs. Kim.

You shook your head. You couldn't stop now. The jury was undecided. They changed their minds from time to time. You could see sympathy in their eyes as they looked at the wife.

"Mr. Kim Seokjin is sober! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Kim! You keep blaming your husband when you're the reason why he turned alcoholic in the first place—"

"Objection, Your Honor!" Attorney Choi glared at you. "The attorney is assuming facts!"

You disagreed before the judge could say sustained.

"Am I?" You smirked at the judge before turning to your table to get your evidence.

Seokjin looked at you nervously.

"Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," groaned by your client.

You were blinded by your role as a lawyer, so you ignored Seokjin's plea.

"Don't do this..."

Seokjin was already too late.

"I have here the evidence that will prove that Mrs. Kim is the reason why her husband turned alcoholic."

You brought out the printed photos of Seokjin's beaten up face. Bruises, cuts, and other physical injuries were seen.

The jury gasped. Attorney Choi was groaning as she told the judge that these photos were not entered into evidence.

You were playing dirty, but so were they. Ms. Choi told you that they wouldn't bring Mr. Kim's sobriety issue in this court. She lied.

"These pictures are given to me by Mrs. Kim Sunghee, Seokjin's mother." You glanced at your client's mother.

"She knows that her son's wife was assaulting him. Seokjin didn't want to feel his wife's punches so he resorted to drinking the pain away. Mr. Kim just wants to be numb."

"N-No..." Your client's tears streamed down his cheeks. He was calling your name, begging you to stop.

It felt like everyone was begging you to stop; even Sunghee was shaking her head.

It was wrong. This was a mistake. Seokjin's mother realized this when Soobin began to cry. He was silently crying at first, but when the little boy saw the photos in your hand, he started hyperventilating.

"Appa!" Soobin's eyes dilated. He could barely breathe.

Mrs. Kim stood up to attend to her son.

"Soobin!" Mrs. Kim was wailing.

Things were becoming messy.

You didn't understand what was happening, so you just stood there.

"Appa! A-Appa is hurting!" Soobin was losing it; his eyes were rolling in the back of his head.

"Call 911!" Red shouted.

The noise was deafening.

You still didn't get what was happening.

Seokjin went near you.

"I told you not to do it!" He shouted, snatching the photos away from your shaky hands.

"This isn't about me or my wife!" Seokjin continued to scream at you.

You were stunned.

Your client was blaming you.

This is your fault! Seokjin said.

You were wrong. You didn't have to bring out these photos because apparently, Soobin knew.

He witnessed how his mom used to beat up his father.

The poor kid was traumatized.

He had to get some help.

His parents thought he had recovered.

It had been years.

The thing about trauma was, it never went away. It was there—silently sleeping and waiting for that one thing that would trigger it.

You triggered Soobin.

"I-I didn't know..." Your voice was low as you stated your excuse.

No one wanted to hear your lame excuse, not even Jeongguk.

You looked at your soulmate once.

You looked at him desperately.

You looked at him hoping that he would understand—like he would comfort you.

He would never.

Jeongguk had this look in his eyes, the kind of feeling that expressed disappointment.

Jeongguk was disappointed in you.

It was clear because right now, he was shaking his head as if you had done the most horrifying thing in the world.

He shook his head before leaving you all alone.

No one wanted to be with you.

You were a disgrace.

[nocturnal-dreams]

Are You Kidding Me Dream?

==============================

Pairing: DreamWasTaken x GN!Reader

Warnings: angst

Note: this is extremely based off Dream as a character, not his irl self!!!

==============================

==============================

You walked together with Sapnap in the darkness. The SMP except a few citizens had went to sleep. You quickly thanked Sapnap for his help before you both went your seperate ways. Dream and your home were completely dark and silent. You quietly thanked the universe before entering.

Suddenly a small fire from a torch ignited and your eyes met the familiar emerald green ones, not covered by the usual mask. A scream almost left your lips when you saw Dream sitting there. You placed your hand over your heart before trying to calm your breathing.

“Why are you awake?” you carefully asked. Dream didn’t answer. Instead he kept silent and continued to look at you.You tried to read his expression, a hard task to do just in general. You could read it this time however, bitter and sour. Nothing really out of the ordinary when it came to Dream but he usually smiled when you were together.

“Dream,-”

“What were you doing out so late with Sapnap huh?” Dream finally spoke as he cut you off. He crossed his arms over his chest as he raised his left brow.

“I was just getting some fresh air. I couldn’t sleep-” you answered but he snorted.

“Don’t lie to me Y/N,” Dream said as his expression turned stone cold, “are you enjoying it?” He asked suddenly and you only frowned.

“Enjoying what?” You answered as you felt your temper shorten. An evil smile spread across Dream’s lips.

“Sleeping with my best friend behind my back?” He said and it felt like your eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. How could he think so low of you? You had done nothing but shown your true love for Dream. You had fallen for Dream the first time you laid your eyes on him. His beautiful features, even just from behind his face. Plump pink lips, emerald eyes, and broad shoulders. Even through his extremely short temper, manipulative ways, and cynical mind you loved him.

“Are you kidding me Dream?” you yelled at him. You felt anger spread through your body like venom. Your jaw tensed as well as his. He slammed his fist onto the small scaffolding in front of him.

“Don’t lie to me. You are always sneaking into the house late at night when you think I’m asleep. I’ve seen you and Sapnap leave into the woods every night and the looks you give each other,” Dream yelled loudly. You didn’t care about the SMP hearing. His words stung like fire and your heart broke. 

“You dick Dream! I hope Technoblade strikes you dead!” you yelled loudly before rushing out of the hut. Tears streaming down your cheeks and you quickly wiped them away. You quicken your pace as you rushed towards your horse. Jumping up on the back quickly you saw Drista peaking out from her house as Sapnap, George, and Eret were outside to watch the commotion. 

“Yeah just leave Y/N! You’re a fucking disgusting coward!” Dream yelled as he stood in the door of your shared house. You ignored his rude words as you rode towards the woods. Quickly speeding up as you got further away.

Dream however didn’t care if his words hurt. You had betrayed him and soon his eyes landed on his friends who frowned, he felt anger pump through his veins faster. His eyes shot daggers at Sapnap who looked clueless.

“What are you looking at?” Dream yelled before going back inside of the house. Eret, the second closet to you in the SMP had left to go after you. They knew Dream was way too stubborn to change his mind about whatever had happened between you two. While Eret had left into the dark woods, Sapnap had decided to check on his raging best friend. Before he could even knock, Dream’s angry voice was heard.

“Don’t even try Sapnpa. Go Away!” Dream yelled causing Sapnap to roll his eyes before entering. Dream was seated on a smaller chair next to the burning fire in the middle of the room. Sapnap sat down while Dream gave him an angry yet disgusted look before looking back at the fire.

“Are you happy now huh? You had to ruin our relationship? Only because you think your oh mister big shot doesn’t mean my partner is someone you can go for,” Dream’s voice was deep and filled with venom.

“What are you talking about?” Sapnap asked and a slight pissed off tone could be heard in his voice, “you mean what you have ruined between the two of you?” Sapnap asked back and Dream snorted.

“My fault huh? Why’s that? Because I’m the owner of the server? Is it my fault that I might not be able to be there at her side like a lost puppy twenty-four seven because I have other things in my life? She had to crawl up to you?” Dream spat back at him and Sapnap snorted back.

“Don’t play the owner card every single time you hit a bump in the road Dream.Y/N loves you very much. There’s nothing between the two of us if that is what you are implying,” Sapnap said as he looked Dream straight in the eyes.

“You know nothing-” Sapnap interrupted Dream.

“I know shit Dream and let me speak. There’s a reason why Y/N and I have been sneaking into the woods, it’s because they wanted me to help them train,” Sapnap said and held up his finger. Sapnap’s body was tired fromt he late nights with you training different combat techniques with swords, bows, and tridents.

“Why would they go train with you when I have offered to help them?” Dream asked while thinking that you had to be stupid and very childish for not training with him. He was the best at different combat techniques and you knew that, hence everyone probably knew that.

“Because they want to impress you Dream. They want you to admire them and not see them as weak,” Sapnap mumbled before standing up. Dream frowned at his words, he truly admired you for the inner strength you had. Dream knew he wasn’t the easiest person to love but you did. His constant cynical mind that taunted him but you were always there to cheer him up and keep pushing him to higher levels. Maybe he needed to do the same to you.

“But I guess now when you have faced everything, you’ll probably never see the incredible talent they have, Clay,” Sapnap said quietly, Dream shocked to hear his actual name as Sapnap left Dream alone in the house, the fire quietly hushing out as the door closed, Dream was truly alone.

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Thanks for reading, don’t forget to like and maybe reblog as it really does help me out

==============================

Taglist: @sadassflatass @ajesterscrown @sugarsoftie  @aremegay @twist3dtinkerbell @nova-is-a-goodgirl​ @appl3-c1d3r​ @eave3

To be added to the taglist just dm me (or be like Eave and get forced in)

S-Tierre Taglist: @corpse-br1de @writinginnit

==============================

[atlabeth]

eyes closed

summary: you know you should hate him. but you can’t stop thinking about him. 

pairing: zuko x reader and sokka x reader 

warnings: angst, betrayal, messy love triangle, y/n is a mess, this is all a mess  

a/n: i woke up in a cold sweat with this idea after this song came on while i was sleeping and wrote this in an hour. don’t ask me why i wrote in all lowercase because i dont know either. sorry this is so bad lmao i just had to get it out. also i didn’t use many pronouns here so i tried to make it gn! pls let me know if i missed anything

based on the song “eyes closed” by halsey 

wc: 1.3k 

after ba sing se, you felt lost. you felt empty. 

you thought that things might’ve been different, but one look in his eyes down in the catacombs proved to you that he had never changed. maybe he had started to become someone else while working at the tea shop, but he had never truly changed. he was just waiting for a chance like this to come along. a chance to regain his honor, a chance to go back to the man who did nothing but harm him, a chance to become a hero to the fire nation. 

a chance to betray you. 

you didn’t know how he could throw away years of friendship for years of abuse, give up someone he loved for a sister who manipulated him, but you realized your own feelings had blinded you. his actions proved he never loved you at all. 

i, i know where to lay i know what to say  it’s all the same 

all of your friends were worried for you. they knew the relationship you had had with zuko, but they had no idea how much it truly weighed on you. you hid your feelings, choosing to let your tears out at night and as silently as you could. whenever someone asked if you were alright, they got a simple “i’m fine” in return. for a while, you locked everyone out. you barely acknowledged katara when she tried to talk to you, and every time sokka asked you to train you just told him you weren’t feeling up to it. even hakoda questioned his children about you, but they could only tell him what you told everyone else. toph was the only one who knew to leave you alone. 

as time went on, you slowly became better. taking over the fire nation ship might have helped boost your morale and quench your desire for revenge against your home nation, because after that you began spending more time around others again. it was in that time that you and the water tribe boy started to develop a relationship.

after sokka got over his distrust of you because of your fire nation heritage, the two of you began training together. as the only two non benders in the group it gave you something to do while aang trained with katara and toph, and it was mutually beneficial. you got to teach sokka fire nation techniques and give him more advanced advice that you learned from being around generals, soldiers, and other sword fighting masters; he got to teach you water tribe styles of fighting and keep you sharp by sparring with you. 

you began training with him again, but something just felt different. you began hanging out more outside of sparring — it started with just sitting together in silence, usually at night after most of the crew had gone to sleep. eating together after training sessions or at mealtimes. then it became more. 

now if i keep my eyes closed he looks just like you but he’ll never stay, they never do 

sokka became a comfort to you. maybe it was because you had been around him for so long that he was like a desperately needed constant in your life, but you found yourself drifting towards him during the weeks at sea on the fire nation ship. water was the element of change, but it felt like he was the only thing for you that stayed the same.  

now if i keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you  but you’ve been replaced, i’m face to face with someone new 

you didn’t know when you started feeling that way towards him, but one thing led to another. under a moonless night sky, the two of you shared a kiss.

when you pulled away you were out of breath and flushed, and sokka just smiled at you. he thought it was because of nerves, or that maybe he was just that good of a kisser. but you were terrified, because you could only see, you could only feel zuko. 

sokka was usually naturally cool being from the water tribe, but tonight his lips were burning. it felt the same as the kiss you shared with zuko, your first and only kiss with him before he was banished from the fire nation. 

you returned the smile, hoping he couldn’t see the uneasiness behind it, and leaned back in. he met you in the middle and you kissed again, trying to push the feeling in your gut back down.

would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you  so tell me where i went wrong 

you felt horrible. you felt like you were playing with sokka’s heart, but you just didn’t know how else to cope. you didn’t know if you liked him or if you were just using him to make yourself feel better. you thought that if you leaned into how you felt about sokka, if you just went along with it, that you would be able to get over your feelings for the prince, that you would be able to leave it in the past.

you pivoted on your foot, just narrowly avoiding the blast of flames going by, and lunged forward with your momentum. you slashed at zuko’s feet causing him to jump out of the way, and you took advantage of the momentary loss of balance to knock into him with your shoulder. he fell to the ground with a grunt and you looked down at him, grinning and breathing heavily as you lowered your sword. 

“that wasn’t fair!” 

“just because you’re the prince doesn’t mean that every loss is unfair!” 

“yeah, but you caught me off guard.” 

“prince zuko, the whole point of sword fighting is to catch your opponent off guard. now come on, let’s go again.” 

you reached down your hand but he didn’t take it, instead staring at you for a few moments. 

“what?”

“just.. call me zuko. we’re friends, so you don’t have to use titles.” 

you paused for a moment, feeling your cheeks heating up, before nodding with a smile. “alright, pr— zuko.” 

he took your hand and you helped pull up back up, and you noticed the faintest blush coating his face as well. “thank you, y/n.” 

“thank you, y/n.”

“y/n”. 

“y/n!” 

you were jolted back to the present to see sokka waving his hand in front of your face. “hellooo? earth to y/n?” 

you gave a shaky smile and blew out a breath as you lifted your sword back up again. “yeah! sorry, i just spaced out for a second there.” 

sokka nodded slowly with a strange look on his face, one that disappeared as quickly as you noticed it. “okay. let’s go again.” 

would’ve traded all for you, there for you  so tell me how to move on 

your relationship with sokka grew stronger, but it felt like you were being torn in two. you loved sokka, you truly did, but you didn’t know if it was solely platonic love. a part of you knew that you were latching onto sokka because you were selfish. you felt so betrayed by zuko that you couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with you, and someone so good like sokka showing interest in you made you feel like maybe you were good too. 

but you weren’t. you were just a lost kid playing with an innocent boy’s heart because the boy they had loved as a child had left. so you kept telling yourself that you loved sokka. 

but it was a lie. 

he don’t realize that i’m thinking about you it’s nothing new, nothing new 

because even after all zuko had done, you still loved him. 

and you hated yourself for it.

[sepublic]

God I hope Grimes did permanent damage to Andrias's ankles, I hope him trying to squash Polly broke his hand, I especially hope Anne fucking broke something in him, I hope the motherfucker is on bed for weeks and each time pain flares up he remembers he got his kicked by a toad that comes up to his ankles, a tadpole who just grew legs, and a feral gem powered teenage girl

           Years from now, Grime is going to lie in his bed awake, in the middle of the night. He’s going to stare up at the ceiling, and think to himself, over and over, for the rest of his life;

           “I should’ve smashed that newt’s head in when I had the chance.”

           BUT YES, I agree with you 100% anon! Let Andrias suffer physical scars and wounds… Let him be forced back to that memory of every little loss, every bit of pain he went through, from people he thought beneath him. Let him relive every little bit of humiliation, for a long while, if not for the rest of his life (and here’s hoping THAT will be rather short)… I want Andrias to try and ignore that, to focus on his victory, but his own body aches and hurts in protest, constantly forcing him to remember. To dwell, to agonize no matter how hard he concentrates…

           Let it debilitate him! Let it haunt and SCAR him, the way Sasha was scarred… The way MARCY was scarred, the poor girl; The way he scarred and inflicted bodily trauma on her that might last for the rest of her life! I want Andrias to suffer. I want him to understand what it’s like to have his own body fail on him, to have it marred by someone else, to have to deal with physical pain for the rest of his miserable existence… Let his pain be outward as well!

            I want Andrias’ long, long life to be interrupted by this physical agony that for centuries he went without… I want that to be irrevocably stolen away from him, like he stole so much from others; And I want him to remember THAT scar, the x-shaped one, in his side… And I want that pain to remind him of that scar, to haunt and terrify him, to make him dread the possibility of it sticking with him for the REST of his pathetic life…

           …Assuming the rest of his life doesn’t last long; If it does, then I want it plagued by humiliation, by agony, by trauma and pain, with the full knowledge that his enemies, that MARCY, they all get to live on, move past that, and be happy with one another… Happy to the point they can forget their scars, if they even have physical ones! I want Andrias to be left out… If he really was a Heart who felt betrayed, WELL, my pity for him stopped long ago when he committed child murder, on a kid he manipulated, gaslighted, and killed. 

          And if Barrel WAS the Toad who was his friend… Well, that just makes it extra peachy, doesn’t it- To feel the physical pain of his friend’s posthumous betrayal in a sense, to be haunted by his old friend’s hammer, like he’s being ‘betrayed’, over and over again; So that even in death, Barrel continues to inflict scars upon him! Let Andrias be haunted by that ghost, and many others, until HE is a ghost… A lone, forgotten one.

           Imagine… Every strike from that hammer reminds Andrias of Barrel fighting him; Imagine if Barrel HAD struck Andrias with that hammer, well! Like his old trauma and pain is being reopened, that ancient wound, over and over, like he never moved past it… Because Andrias never DID move past that ‘betrayal’, I wager. So each swing by Grime causes Andrias to see Barrel in his place, and panic, because it’s happening again; He’s reliving that moment of betrayal each time, and Grime is adding to it, extending that moment, over and over again!

           Not just Barrel, either; I want Andrias to remember that GRIME wounded him. That in a one-on-one battle, it was Grime who surprised him; It was Grime who DEFEATED him, had Andrias at his utter mercy, and then imprisoned him within his own dungeon! It was Grime who came closest to defeating him, to foiling his centuries-long plan… And it was only because of Anne and the others that Andrias won! 

          Andrias had to rely on OTHERS to survive, there was nothing of his own action he could do, he lost agency in that moment and had to be the one rescued. And now, all of those people whom his victory is owed towards, THEY’RE against him, Grime is out there, and Grime now has even more reason to swing that hammer in without mercy, the next time Andrias is beaten down.

           And I want Andrias to feel shame and humiliation, to feel the anger of an entitled someone who has something stolen from them, when he remembers Anne’s power! If it’s true that he was a Heart, then perhaps he sees Anne as using the power that should be HIS, but against him! To have his own power turned against Andrias, to have it ‘betray’ him in a sense… 

          I want Andrias to realize that Anne has taken that from him, it’s the least she deserves considering what he took from her; And I want Andrias to realize that even after seemingly losing all of his trusted friends, he still has more to lose. That even the things he thought he could hold onto or get back; They’re leaving, and never returning. He’s never getting it back, no matter HOW much he yearns for it; Unlike for others, who will get things, he will heal and recover and move on...

           If Polly is the descendant of his other friend, even better! To be reminded of how his small friend’s little size and maneuverability was used against him, used to steal the music box and ruin his life… And like Barrel’s ghost, it seems his frog friend has reincarnated, literally or metaphorically, in the form of this little tadpole who will give him hell! 

          And she’s out there, growing, she escaped him, she LEFT that humiliation and earned that victory, and she’s out being happy and alive and being loved by HER friends and family who will never leave her… I want Andrias to wallow in not just bitter loss, but bitter envy, realizing that others he despises, that the descendant of his friend he loathes, will have what the Heart always yearns for.

[blushnik]

I love love your works and posts. Always looking forward to more content from you. Anyways my question is that in Punisher season 2 really trashed billy. What do you think about it. Personally I Hate Krista and Madani. Do you think billy and frank would have eventually started a relationship if billy hadn't been outed for betrayal.

*SOBBING HAPPY NOISES* Lemme just- uh, lemme calm down, this was so much praise I didn't expect to see when opening the inbox 😭🙏💙💙💙💙💙💙

Okay, now to your question *breathing exercises initiated*

First, I just wanna say that I kinda pushed the entire season 2 out of my mind, especially THAT part (y'all know what I'm talking about, I ain't gonna say it out loud) cause it just really hurts but xD I think I can handle it for this one occasion.

Season 2 really went ahead and said: Let's just punish Billy Russo for 13 episodes straight, yeah? Cause the show's name is PUNISHER. And he's PUNISHER's nemesis, right? So we PUNISH him, that makes sense, right? *clown mask here* And people will totally cheer when we finally get rid of him cause he's BAD and deserved to be PUNISHED, RIGHT? *clown levels intensify*

Lemme just point out that Billy Russo DID get his punishment when Frank introduced him, quite intimately, to a mirror. He suffered consequences of it during his coma in his dreams and after with memory loss and all conditions that came with it. And that'd be okay to have at the start but NOT FOR THIRTEEN FKING EPISODES.

You can't beat up a character that much, for that long, and then expect us to be cheering when he meets the shittiest end you could possibly think of. Not to even mention the monumental waste of potential in that story.

Remembering what he did and being told what he did are two VERY different things. If he doesn't remember shit then ofc it doesn't make sense to him how could he ever betray Frank like that. For all he knows, everyone just turned against HIM and made up this lie, his best friends and people he cared about going after him for – in Billy's eyes – no reason. Forget Maria and kids and Rawlins, just the fact my best friend, the only person I ever truly felt connected to and trusted and cared about ground my face against a broken mirror would be A LOT to process.

I seriously expected Billy to remember what he's done somewhere in the middle but somehow the writers thought new characters nobody cares about and an overly complex plot is a better way to go? That letting Billy be just a confused screaming crying mess for the entirety of season 2 while ten meaningless subplots get resolved so he can die right after will somehow work?

Look, I get he was supposed to lose everything he had in season 1, that being not only his wealth and company and good looks (he's still hot shut up and those feeble scars, bitch, what was that, Shadow and Bone did a better job at doing accurate scars) but also his self-control, his control over his emotions, composure, his ability to keep his cool, smooth-talking, etc.

But you can't let him be the victim and then expect the audience to not empathize with him or feel sorry for him and to NOT be okay when he dies right after it seems he finally found some peace, happiness, and love (I hate Krista too but shit, he was so happy with those stupid flowers, Ben sure knew what he was doing when he gave those blue flowers to Alina right before everything turned to shit).

Granted, he did shitty things in season 1 and season 2 too but the difference is this;

In season 1, those were his conscious choices. He never was a victim even in his own story. He knew he stepped on other people in order to get himself higher, he decided when it comes down to it, better someone else than him. He decided that after building himself up, no price was too great to pay just to make sure he was never hitting the bottom again and he had no problem with doing it because he's incapable of compassion and 'even though he loves Frank more than anything or anyone, Billy loves himself just a bit more' – Ben Barnes' words, not mine.

But in season 2, he doesn't know about any of that. He does feel like a victim because from his POV, everyone is simply attacking and somebody close to him hurt him for things he can't believe he did because at that point, he believed he would NEVER be capable of doing such things. And when he does something shitty – it's because he feels attacked, he feels like he needs to protect himself and that he's pushed towards it.

Pretty fking hard to see him as a villain, at least for me -.-

It's almost like the writers were too scared to explore that emotional turmoil and impact it would have on him and how it'd change his character if he remembered. Which is SUCH a shame it hurts. Ben Barnes has put so much nuance and depth into Billy's character, he had dimensions and so many layers so just imagine what it would be to have all of that go through some serious angst and explore his relationship with Frank further.

But no.

Instead, we get this imitation of angst where Billy Russo becomes a punching bag and we're supposed to go OOOH HE STILL EVIL BITCH when he darest to punch back.

And don't get me started on the worst character kill-off I've ever seen. Just no. I am not even sharing my opinions on this cause it's too much to think about.

So there you have it, season 2 is trash in my opinion, they really did Billy so dirty while throwing in subplots and characters that were absolutely unnecessary to have. It could totally be just about Frank and Billy trying to come to some closure (violent or not) and maybe Dinah sprinkled in cause she got a lot of beef with Billy too.

Now just to quickly answer the other question, would they have started the relationship eventually if Billy wasn't outed for betrayal?

Marvel and the Mouse are cowards so ofc not in the canon, but in my humble hcs opinion, ofc YES. Frank's the only one Billy feels a connection with and vice versa. And while it's easier for Frank to care for other people than it is for Billy (since, unlike Billy, Frank is capable of compassion), nobody gets him and accepts him the way Billy does. I like to think of that quote from the Darkling for this:

"I've seen what you truly are and I've never turned away."

That's Billy @ Frank. Together with the reasons, I listed in the previous ask where I pointed out how they complement each other ^^

PS: I just wanna say I actually love Dinah but it may be because of my hcs. She was really getting on my nerves at the beginning and then I just made up stuff in my head that made me really fond of her, like Dinah dating Karen Page and being the good bro for Frank and Billy.

Thank you for the reading if you made it this far, THANK YOU for the kind words and keep invading my inbox if you like 🥰💙💙

[palettes-and-prompts]

prompts from music personal by HRVY

I am so sorry for what you're about to read!

1) "Person A kissed another person so we broke up and I don't think I'll ever love anyone again." "Person B, you're in middle school."

2) "Hey, kiddo, where are you going?" "Person A is dating my ex so I'm going to go tell their parents cause they're not allowed to date." "Damn, that's cold as hell. Alright, be back before the street lights come on."

3) "I got suspended from school." "For what?" "I kicked Person A in the nose for kissing the person I'm dating." "Damn, those ballet lessons paid off. Did they hit you back?" "No, I knocked them out." "I should be angry but I'm honestly so impressed and proud right now. Don't ever do it again though."

4) "My parents said they'd take us to the movies Saturday." "My parents said I can't watch scary movies without an adult." "My parents are gonna come too. And if you get scared I can hold your hand if you want."

5) "Tell Person A I'm not home if they ask." "Are you two fighting?" "Person A kissed my best friend so I'm never speaking to them again. I've packed their toys and put them by the door for them to get, I don't want them anymore. I'm going to bed early without dinner." "Wow,I don't even think I was this dramatic when I was twelve. Okay."

6) "Do you wanna go to the winter formal with me?" "Yeah." "Cool. I'll have my older sibling drive us in their truck so my parent doesn't drive us in their minivan." "Cool."

7) "Would it be okay if I kissed you?" "Yeah, let me take my retainer out first."

8) "I think I'm in love." "You're like twelve. I don't think so." "I am!" "Jesus, okay! Stop screaming at me."

9) "Person A is the hottest person ever!" "Person A smells like old salad and mayonnaise. I know you're like twelve but you've got to have some standards for yourself."

10) "What are you doing in my room?" "Looking for scissors. Person A stole Person B from me so I'm breaking our friendship bracelet." "That's rough. Here's some scissors. Hope you feel better, kid."

1) Person A gets dumped before the formal and Person B is their friend who swoops in at the last second to take them to the dance. Person B confesses their feelings for A and when Person C gets jealous and tries to take A back, A rejects them and spends the night dancing with B before their parents come to get them at 9 o'clock sharp.

2) Person A and B are in the same class. When A finds out B can't explain themselves very well, A helps them with their book report. They find that B knows the materials but just needs help putting their thoughts on paper. With A's help B's able to get good grades and the two begin to get closer just in time for the school dance.

3) When Person A kisses someone else at the school pep rally it leaves Person B, the one they're dating, feeling betrayed. When Person C moves to their school B's in charge of showing them around. When A spots them together B insists that they're dating C now. C lies and tells them it's true and that they moved to be closer to B. A is incredibly jealous and B and C get closer because of the time they spend together in the lie. They become good friends and have a lot in common. It isn't until the dance when they share a moment that they realize dating for real might be nice.

4) A and B are best friends but when A begins dating someone new, Person C, it leaves B feeling weird and left out. They begin to feel jealous of C and wanting to spend time with A. A begins missing B but feels obligated to spend more time with C. When they're at the dance and Person B sees C kiss A they feel weird about it and talk to their guidance counselor chaperoning the dance who informs them that they might like Person A more than they think they do. When they see A at school Monday they ask them if they can talk. A tells B they broke up with C and that dating just felt weird. When B admits they might like A, Person A is happy that B feels the same way. They share a kiss and decide to go to the next dance together.

5) Person A is devastated when Person B dumps them to date someone else. Person C comforts them and decides to help take their mind off of it by going on adventures and sneaking out of their houses at night to ride bikes at the lake. They find duck eggs and begin to watch them over the next few weeks until they hatch. The two of them grow closer and C helps A realize that they're better off without Person B. The two become best friends and end up regularly feeding the ducks at night together and decide to name the two baby ducks after each other. When they both reach to grab food for the babies they end up touching hands and getting embarrassed until A asks if it's okay if they hold hands. C agrees and the two hold hands and watch the sun rise together as the ducks swim around the pond together.

I probably listened to this song like five times and I just could not think of anything serious. This song is the most middle school shit I've ever heard. It's not a bad song, I just couldn't think of anything other than middle school kids being dramatic as hell because they're getting dumped for the first time and crying about a two week relationship like it's the end of the world for them.

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

Elmer's Glue pt.1

Éomer/Reader

God you just can't get his name right, and it's a shame cause's he's cute af

Awkwardness Humor and Fluff

----

Someone like you shouldn't have survived nearly as long as you did.

You first came tumbling into Middle Earth a few days before departing for some big important quest to destroy a powerful ring, having landed yourself in a place called Rivendell that's full of elves and lovely scenery.

You were presented at some meeting and urged to join this 'Fellowship' and became a valuable member of the group even despite your lack of fighting knowledge, because you somehow had some sort of 6th sense regarding things that have yet to happen.

Just barely did you and your friends survive Helms Deep, The Hornburg, after all of those horrible events (losing Gandalf, Merry and Pippin being captured, and Frodo and Sam departing to continue on on their own), but once all is said and done, you're ecstatic to finally have a moment of rest and celebration.

A grand party is thrown in the royal halls of Rohan, but you're none to interested in the drinking or dancing.

Instead, you opt to watch everyone else enjoy themselves.

At some point after Legolas wipes the floor with Gimli in a drinking game, the prince, and brother of the sweet woman Eowyn, ends up meandering over to where you idly sit.

You remember riding with him to and from Isengard during your journey to reclaim your hobbit friends, though the two of you didn't speak much. It was kind of embarrassing for you to sit so close to him and attempt to share a conversation while looking straight ahead, so you didn't speak much at all, and he didn't engage himself often either.

It was surprising to you how comfortable the journey was, though, all things considered.

His horse was huge and he was just as large, but you never felt afraid or feared falling even once during the ride.

It's not a big deal, but it still stuck out to you since he's so clearly a very skilled rider.

Even after all that, however, you still totally blank out on his name when he suddenly approaches after helping Legolas bring Gimili to the resting area.

Your mind begins to race as you try to remember the name that belongs to him, and all too soon do you realize that you're both staring at each other and he's waiting for your to say something (probably after greeting you, which you did not catch).

"L-Lord... Elmer..." You say slowly after a moment, praying to god you got it right since you took inspiration from your favorite brand of kids glue.

He raises an eyebrow when you say his 'name', and a smile creeps on to his face. "Elmer?"

Ah, shit. You definitely didn't get it right.

"Elmo?" You mentally kick yourself for that one, he's definitely not a small red puppet monster, you would've noticed if he were.

He shakes his head this time, amusement painting his features as you struggle to come up with his actual name.

"Emir?"

Another head shake, and also a full on smile.

"It's not Edgar, is it?" It definitely doesn't sound right, but maybe you'll get lucky.

At this point, you know for a fact that your face is on fire, this is so embarrassing, but you simply can't remember.

"Would you like me to tell you?" He offers after you don't guess again for a time, leaning his arm on the table next to you, leaning closer to you.

Getting help at this point would be mortifying, so you deny his offer for the proper answer and take another crack and guessing. "No, no wait. I've got it! Your name is... Elinor..." You mentally smack yourself in the face for that one; he doesn't even look like an Elinor (mostly because he's not a woman).

"Not quite. Eomer is my name may I remind you."

So your first guess was the closest, but still so far away.

"W-Well, this is extremely embarrassing." You stutter out, adverting your gaze from his eyes which have suddenly become so close.

Eomer can't help but to laugh, and the smile that graces his lips is positively dashing.

You glance back up at him and notice right away, and once more your face begins to burn like a furnace.

"I-I didn't mean to forget, I swear! And I definitely wasn't trying to make fun of you either!"

His chuckles die down when your slightly panicked speech betrays your concern of being disrespectful, and he wastes no time in assuring you that it's perfectly fine. "If you are worried that you've upset me, then do not fret. I'm not offended, simply amused."

Well, that's a relief.

"Um... well, that's good- I guess," you tell him your name, then continue, "I feel so bad. You took me on your horse and everything and I didn't even remember your name! Gosh, I suck."

The tall blond-haired man looks at you oddly when you insult yourself so strangely, and you realize that you forgot to keep your other-word slang to a minimum since it can be hard to understand.

"Right, well, I came over to ask if you would like to join me on a walk outside. Are you interested?" He leans down a bit closer when he asks you this, acting as if he doesn't want anyone else to hear.

Typically you'd be more cautious than this, but you find yourself nodding along regardless.

---

Lord Eomer (you'll definitely remember his name this time, you swear it) took your hand in his and led you outside after you nodded your assent, and while you'd normally dislike being grabbed so casually, you allow it for some reason.

He releases you from his gentle hold once the both of you are beyond the party halls and outside in the cool night air at the bottom of the steps, and you finally find your voice to ask about his intent.

"So... did you want to talk to me about something or...?" You look up at him curiously with your hands clasped in front of you, twisting your heel in the dirt to ease the anxiousness.

"No, nothing in particular. I do have questions, but I simply wanted a moment alone with you," he pauses, then adds slyly, "Your friends have taken up al your time since we arrived, so I had hoped to steal you away for a time."

You aren't sure if you should be flattered, flustered, or both.

"I-I see... well, you've got me now." You mean it as a joke but it's hard to sound humorous when you're so flustered.

He only smiles and nods his head once, "I do."

Cue the awkward silence.

It appears that he's once again waiting for you to say something, so you decide to pull no punches and go straight for the heavy hitting topics.

"So, hows about that battle, huh? Crazy..."

His eyebrows knit together as he thinks over your strange speaking mannerisms, but he doesn't question it and only nods his head instead. "You could say that. The men fought bravely and we lost many, but our victory does not go unrewarded."

"Are you talking about the party?"

"Yes. That, and the knowledge that some of my men get to return home tonight and see their families."

His words bring a small, sad smile to your face, and you speak much more softly this time, "I'm afraid it isn't over, though. With everything going on, it's only a matter of time before we're all sent away again."

"We?"

Oh, right, he doesn't really know about your role in this merry group of misfits.

"Um, yes. I fight, er, kind of. I do my own thing really, but I can't afford to stay behind." It's hard to explain since you aren't sure what the extent of his knowledge is.

His uncle, Theoden, knows almost all about your deal, but does Eomer? He should since he's a key part of this whole Rohan operation, but it's not necessarily your place to tell him either.

"A shield-maiden?" He wonders aloud, taking a seat on the stone steps next to you two.

Even when he's sitting down he's taller than you, and it shoots an arrow of envy through you. The bigger you are, the more intimidated your enemies are, after-all.

"Not quite. I'm not the best at fighting really." It's kind of a lie, actually, because you've got some hidden skill that makes you pretty good at that kind of thing, but it has to do with your foresight to you choose not to explain much further.

Your answer seems to only confuse him more, however, for his eyebrows knit together and his smile tugs downwards into a frown. "You are not? But they bring you into battle regardless?"

Well, shit, now you're making them sound like negligent, reckless idiots.

"N-No- I mean, I'm okay but, uh, it's hard to explain." It's like you somehow just know how to affectively fight; it's like something inside of you just takes over and keeps you from dying, and it proved to be both extremely useful and also unexpected.

They found out about this 'hidden ability' (for lack of a better term) during the battle in which Boromir was slain and you first lost your hobbit friends. You were surrounded and everyone else was fighting for their lives, and in that moment of hopelessness, something inside of you snapped and the floodgates were opened.

Your skill lies in defense, not offense, but it was all you needed to make it through the fight alive and intact.

"I-I know it seems like they were being irresponsible, but there's more to the story- I swear!" You try to defend, taking a step closer to his seated form, "Really, they need me, so it'd be even more irresponsible if they didn't bring me along."

He doesn't seem to get it, for his doubtful expression remains and his frown deepens, but he tries not to judge too much either. "I... see."

A subject change seems like the best course of action, so you decide to ask him a question of your own. "W-Well... anyways. Why'd you want me to come out here with you?"

"I simply wished to learn more about the beautiful newcomer that graced our halls, and I find that I'm even more entranced than before."

Lord Eomer's words bring a flush to your face and leave you flustered, and it seems you can't get your brain to form a coherent thought either.

"Have my words troubled you?" He asks when you still don't manage to find your voice.

"N-No, it's not that..." You trail off and cover your mouth and nose coyly, looking off to the side when you find that you can't meet his gaze any longer. "I'm just not sure how to reply to that. I've been here so long I don't even remember how to flirt." Your words are, of course, an embarrassed joke, and it seems to land well for he chortles with amusement.

"If that is all it is, then it must be fine that I say you've caught my eye, and I'm afraid I cannot get it back until I know more."

"Know more about... m-me?" You repeat slowly, simply trying to wrap your head around it all, "Like... Like what?"  

Another dashing smile brightens his handsome features, and this time your heart flutters nervously when he does, "Anything."

You twiddle your thumbs in front of you and dip your head down, racking your brain for any information that would be interesting but not super telling in terms of your 'earth of origin.'

"Um... I can do this-" You raise one of your hands and bend your fingers all the way back until they're perpendicular with your palm, displaying your double jointed fingers effortlessly.

He stares at your hand trick for all of 5 seconds before he's standing up and worriedly asking, "Have you broken your hand?" He takes your hand in his own, delicately turning it around in search of bruises.

"N-No," you pause and look at his larger hands taking yours, then add shyly after, "It's just a trick. I'm double-jointed."

"Double-jointed?" He repeats slowly, not releasing your hand though he does cease his search for damage. "I... see."

He sure does say that a lot.

"I can also do this." You take back one of your hands and reach into your pocket and pull out a lighter that you've had with you all this time, then you ignite a flame and brandish it proudly.

The blond-haired man looks on with wide eyes, and he reaches out towards it, asking with amazement in his voice, "You created fire so effortlessly!'

"Yeah, this little device has, er, oil in it and it ignites it using a spark." It has been helpful many a-night when everyone else has been out and about doing stuff and you were left to tend to the fires. "Don't get too close though, it's hot."

He nods his head once and drops his hands to his dies, watching the small flame dance on the lighter before you blow it out and place it back in your pocket.

"Where did you find such a magnificent contraption?" He asks once it's out of sight, looking down at you with curiosity sparkling in his eyes.

"I, um... made it." You think it best to lie, though he doesn't appear to fall for it, and change the subject. "So, how about that weather we're having?"

Your sudden and shitty subject change makes him raise an inquisitive eyebrow, but after a moment he starts to laugh, "Yes, the night sky's are very clear tonight. As it should be the morrow after a raging battle."

It's strange and none too awkward since you're no good at this, but this normalcy actually almost makes you forget all the shit you've seen up until now.

"I would very much like to see you again." He says suddenly when the conversation dies down and you both just stand there in silence.

You look back up at him and offer a small smile, repeating softly, "Sure. I'd like that as well. But I'm still here, so we don't have to talk about later just yet, right?"

"I suppose not." He reaches down and grabs your right hand gently, raising it up while he also leans down, then he presses a feather soft kiss to the middle of the back of your hand.

Eomer looks up at you while he does so, and you find that your face has begun to heat up once more.

When he doesn't move to stand normally and continues to look up at you expectantly, you ask uncertainly, "Am I supposed to kiss your hand too, or...?"

It seems you're quite the comedian to this guy, for he stands up straight again and bursts into joyful laughter, reaching down to pat your shoulders, "No no, but if you wish to offer me one somewhere else then I would not deny it."

People in this place really waste no time beating around the bush, though you suppose they can't afford to waste much time when things like the Battle at Helms Deep happen every so often.

There are murderous orcs everywhere and danger at every turn for them nowadays, do you actually feel a sense of appreciation for his forwardness.

This time you find yourself laughing too, and you readily reply, "Maybe next time, Lord Eomer. We only just met, you know. I could be trying to steal a place in the royal line, for all you know."

His smile does not waver despite your warning against yourself, for he only shakes his head and squeezes your shoulders gently, "No, such motives always make themselves clear early on. Unfortunately for me, you're honest."

"Unfortunately?"

"Unfortunate for my heart, yes."

[emm-jayy]

baby (ii) - spencer reid

Summary: Spencer grieves the loss of you

warnings: sad spence

style of fic heavily inspired by @erin-bo-berin ‘baby shoes’

series masterlist

gif not mine

One minute

As soon as he knows you are completely gone, Spencer lets go. A wrecked sob comes out of his mouth, and he begins to cradle your body.

He apologizes profusely to you, even though he knows you can’t hear him.

Then, he hears the sirens. Spencer stays in his spot, still cradling you.

The medics come into the room, with a stretcher and backboard.

“You’re too late.” Spencer says quietly, no emotion evident in his voice.

“Sir, i’m going to need you to move away from her.” The medic says, crouching down to meet Spencer’s level.

“You’re too late!” Spencer screams this time, his words turning into another sob as soon as he says them.

At that point, Morgan, and the other members of the team walk in.

Morgan walks up behind Spencer, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You’ve got to let her go Reid.” Morgan says.

Spencer doesn’t answer, he only slow rocks himself.

“Spencer!” Morgan says, louder this time. Spencer snaps out of the daze he is in, and sets your body down.

Spencer presses a kiss to his hand, and presses it against your cheek.

One Day

The ride back on the jet is silent. The team had decided to take themselves off the case, letting local police find Jackson Price.

No one wants to talk about it, and rightfully so. Everyone on the team knew that Spencer was taking it the hardest. Price literally told Spencer to save you, and he couldn’t.

Spencer hated the sympathetic looks and touches he got. Nothing compared to how it felt when you touched him. And every time he thought about how he would never get to experience that again, he broke down.

Spencer had decided not to tell anyone the moment you two had had before you died. That was to be your moment, that was how Spencer wanted it.

The plane lands, and Spencer silently grabs his bag, walking off the plane. He gets into his car, and drives to his apartment.

Spencer isn’t sure what his plan is for when he gets back into his apartment.

He unlocks the door to his apartment, and sets his bag down onto the table.

He figures he’d just watch some Doctor Who or something, get his mind off things.

But everything in his apartment reminds him of you.

The glass that you gave out as party favors to the first party you threw.

The book on his coffee table you insisted he buy.

Even the couch looked like it had the imprint of you in it, you sat there so much.

His whole apartment screamed your name, and Spencer puts his hands over his ears, as if not to hear it.

He eventually crumbles onto his bed, falling into a sleep, filled with dreams of you.

One week

Your funeral was a week after your death. Spencer decided he could gather himself for it. Ir was the least he could do to honor your memory. Spencer drove to the venue with the team, they all claimed he shouldn’t drive alone.

The team was the ones who were to carry your casket. The walk seemed to go in slow motion, everyone staring at them.

As the service began, Spencer wanted to scream. He wanted to scream out that this isn’t what you would have wanted.

You always joked that you wanted to attend your own funeral, just to make sure everyone had fun. Spencer knew that you wouldn’t want this, he knew that you wouldn’t want the eulogies to drag on, or for everyone to be sad.

Spencer wanted to scream all of these things out, but he didn’t.

Whenever everyone put a flower on your casket, Spencer is one of the last to go.

He sets the flower onto your casket. He presses a kiss to his hand, and then presses his hand to your casket.

Spencer doesn’t attend the reception, it would have been too much.

One month

One month after your death, Spencer goes back to work.

The team is in a meeting, learning about their new case when he walks in. The whole team had told Spencer to take as long as he needed, and they were surprised to see him back so soon.

“Hey guys.” Spencer says, in a low voice. He sits down next to Morgan and Rossi.

“Hey kid.” Morgan says, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Spencer tenses at the nickname. He had gotten maybe a little bit better at things that reminded him of you, but it was still incredibly hard.

Spencer clears his throat, “Could you maybe.. not call me that Derek?” He asks, keeping his voice low.

Morgan nods, tentatively taking his hand off of Reid’s shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re ready to work, Spence?” JJ asks, looking toward him sympathetically.

“Yes. I’m ready.” Spencer says, holding his ground.

What the team didn’t know, is that Spencer had been working for the past month.

He had been trying to find Jackson Price. He had been constantly studying Price’s behaviors. Trying to figure out where he would go, where he would strike next, if he would even strike next.

Spencer had even taken a trip back to California, without the FBI’s knowledge.

An obsession had formed, but Spencer was too grief-driven to ignore it.

JJ nods, and Garcia begins to deliver the case. It was a double homicide in Florida, with a note left at the scene that indicated more murders to come.

“Wheels up in 30.” Hotch says, standing up.

Spencer stays at the table for a moment, processing the fact that he will be working a case, without you there.

Tears had become familiar to Spencer over the past month, so he wiped away the forming new ones on instinct.

He clears his throat, and walks out of the briefing room.

Three months

Three months after your death, Hotch has to hold grief assessments.

He saves Spencer’s for last, as it was arguably the most important.

“How are you doing Reid? I know that you and Y/n had a close relationship.” Hotch asks, testing the waters.

“Do you want me to lie, or tell the truth?” Spencer says, answering a question with a question.

“Obviously I’d prefer you tell the truth.” Hotch says, looking at Spencer.

“Did I ever tell you what Jackson Price said before he shot Y/n?” Spencer asks, his leg bouncing.

“No, I don’t believe you did.” Hotch says.

“He told me to try to keep her alive until the medics came.” Spencer says, a tear falling down his face as he relived the experience.

“He told me he wanted to see how good of a “doctor” I really was.” Spencer continues, “But she was ready to let go Hotch. You should’ve seen her. She made jokes, while she was minutes away from dying!” Spencer laughs in the middle of the tears that were falling.

“I held her hand, and I felt the life leave from it. So Hotch, I’m not really feeling okay.” Spencer stands up, wiping tears from his face.

“Feel free to say i’m not ready to be a part of this team. Because without Y/n on it, I'm not sure I want to be.” And with that, Spencer leaves.

Six months

Six months after your death, Spencer feels like he betrayed you.

He told someone what had actually happened in your final moments.

Spencer isn’t sure what came over him, he had repeated over and over again to himself, that that moment was to only be for you two.

But whenever someone would mention you, it would always begin with “Spencer’s friend Y/n” and he hated that.

You weren’t just friends, and that was something Spencer knew long before you died. There was always a special bond there.

Whenever you would go over to Spencer’s apartment and have a movie marathon, you two would be as close as can be.

You would fall asleep on him, and it would help Spencer go to sleep faster.

Every time you would touch him when he was feeling stressed, it would put him at ease.

You two were more than friends, but there was the unspoken rule that you couldn’t be together.

The unspoken rule that it couldn’t work, you two had both seen too much horror.

Spencer didn’t need to be in a defined relationship with you to enjoy who you were as a person, and how you made him feel.

He was just glad he got closure in the end, and you died knowing how he felt about you.

Penelope was the first person he told about your final moments.

It was during one of the times Spencer came over to her apartment. They had been doing it a lot more often. Penelope and Spencer were the closest to you, and they figured it was good to spend time together.

Spencer and her were watching a movie, when Penelope suddenly paused it.

“Can I ask you a question?” She asks, setting the remote down.

“Yeah, what is it?” Spencer replies, furrowing his eyebrows.

“It’s about Y/n.” Penelope says, a slight look of regret on her face.

Spencer clears his throat, looking down, “Go ahead.” He says.

“Is there something you haven’t told us about her death? I’ve just noticed something weighing on you.” Penelope says.

Shock covers Spencer’s face. He hadn’t expected anyone to notice. He was on a team of profilers sure, but they weren’t supposed to profile each other.

He clears his throat again, “Yeah, um..” He begins, working up the courage to tell the story.

“I told you all that Y/n asked me to hold her hand. But after that she asked me a question. She asked me what my biggest regret in life was. I think she was giving me a chance to get something off my chest, because she knew she was dying.” Spencer says, a smile coming onto his face as he remembers how thoughtful you were.

“I told her that my biggest regret in life was not telling her how I felt about her.” Spencer continues, “And then she said she loved me, and I said it back. Then we kissed. Then she closed her eyes, I like to think that she wanted the last thing she saw to be my face, the happiest it’s ever been. Because it was. I’ve never been happier than in that moment.” Spencer says, his voice breaking and the tears falling freely.

Penelope envelops him in a hug, and he returns it. For the past 6 months, he’d been crying alone. It felt great to tell someone finally.

“Would you like to know something?” Penelope asks, breaking away from the hug to look Spencer in the eye.

“What?” Spencer asks, keeping his voice low in hopes it wouldn’t break again.

“I want to say it was a month after she came to the BAU, Y/n came into the tech room, nervously telling me how cute she thought you were. She finished by saying that she just enjoyed spending time with you, and that she always cherished your time together.” Penelope tells him.

Spencer smiles. He remembers the time he had that realization too.

You had brought him coffee one day, and you remembered just how he liked it. Spencer didn’t even remember telling you, so maybe you had just picked up on it.

“I really miss her.” Spencer confesses.

“I know honey, I miss her too.” Penelope replies.

After that, Spencer is a bit more open to the team.

One year

One year after your death, Spencer has a very bad day.

He has a nightmare the night before the one year anniversary of your death. The exact same events replay, but at the end, you tell him how much you hate him. How he couldn’t do anything to save you.

Spencer wakes up in a cold sweat, heavily breathing. He shakes himself, assuring himself it isn’t real.

He hasn’t had a dream like that in months, and it shakes him.

The team isn’t on a case thankfully, so Spencer picks up his phone, and calls Hotch.

“Yeah Reid?” Hotch answers on the second ring.

“Hey Hotch, could I take the day off today?” He asks, voice still sleepy.

“Yes, the entire team is actually taking the day off. It’s a hard day for us all, but I know especially for you.” Hotch says, the sympathy in his voice has been easier to pick up on nowadays.

“Thanks Hotch.” Spencer says, setting down the phone.

He sighs, and gets up to take a shower. His apartment is silent, a reminder of how his life feels without you.

After he gets out of the shower and puts on his clothes, Spencer is at a loss. He has no idea what to do that day.

Nothing feels nice enough to celebrate your life. That’s what he should be doing, right? That’s what you would want him to do, right?

Then, he has an idea.

Spencer grabs his keys, and heads out the door. He gets into his car, and begins to drive.

He arrives at the coffee shop that you two used to go to all the time. Spencer hasn’t been there in a year.

He clears his throat, and gets out of his car. He walks into the shop, the bell ringing, signaling he was there.

Spencer takes in the scene. He looks at the table where you always sat, telling anecdotes about your hometown. He smiles, you were always so talkative.

He walks up to the counter, and orders the coffee you used to always order. Spencer pays, and goes to sit down at your table.

He sits for a moment, remembering, something he’s been doing a lot. And then, his name is called for his drink.

Spencer smiles at the worker who hands him his drink, thanking them. He goes back to your table.

He sits there in silence, drinking his coffee. It’s nice, peaceful even. It felt good to remember you like this.

After Spencer finishes his drink, he stands up to leave. He presses his lips to his hand, and his hand to the table.

Three years

Three years after your death, Jackson Price is found dead.

It was a pretty normal day at the BAU, your death anniversary was coming up, but it seemed that everyone was more content nowadays.

Even Spencer was doing a lot better. He still thought about you often, but mostly good thoughts. His nightmares would only come back around your death date.

Hotch walks into the bullpen, “I need everyone in the briefing room. Now.” He says, walking up to the room already. The rest of the team follows

After everyone sits down, Hotch begins. “This is about Y/n.” He starts. Everyone goes quiet, you haven’t been brought up in a long time.

“Early this morning, a body was found in Southern California. The body has been ID’ed as Jackson Price.” Hotch says.

The room is somehow even more silent than it was before. The only sound is Spencer’s chair scraping the floor as he quickly walks out of the room.

“I’ll go talk to him.” Emily says, following Spencer out of the door.

Emily finds him in one of the many abandoned offices in the building.

She sits beside Spencer, pulling her chair close to his, “What’s the matter Reid? Isn’t this what you wanted?” Emily asks.

Spencer looks up at her, his facial expression difficult to tell because of the darkness of the room.

“That is what I wanted, Emily. But I wanted to be the one who did it. I wanted to shoot him just the way he did Y/n. I spent months looking for him, and I never found him.” Spencer says, shaking his head.

“You never told us that.” Emily says, frowning. Spencer grimaces.

“I didn’t want you all to think I couldn’t move on.” He explains in a low voice.

“Spencer. You have helped each and every one of us with personal vendettas over the years. We would’ve done the same thing in a heartbeat.” Emily tells him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t know, I guess my mind was clouded.” Spencer says, unsure of himself.

“Hey.” Emily says, wrapping Spencer in a hug. Spencer had been way more accepting of those in the past years. “We are all here for you.” Emily says, looking at him.

Spencer nods, his eyes watery, “Do you want to go back in there?” Emily asks him.

Spencer nods again, and they both stand up. When Spencer walks back into the briefing room, everyone gives him sympathetic looks, but not the ones they usually give. They give understanding looks. They’ve all mostly gone through similar things.

Spencer sighs, glad that his family is there for him.

Five years

Five years after you die, Spencer gets into a relationship.

It felt... weird that Spencer had feelings for someone else besides you. Before you died, he really wasn’t one for relationships. His work was too much, and it stopped him from making relationships outside of the FBI.

Then, after you died, he had another excuse. Whenever someone would ask him out, women tended to be more forward than him these days, he would tell them that his girlfriend had died. That he was still mourning the loss of her.

When he met his now girlfriend, Gianna, he had just told her that you were his girlfriend, and you had died in the line of duty.

It was too long of a story to explain that you weren’t actually dating, but the feelings and basically everything else was still there.

Gianna actually reminded him a lot of you. She was bubbly, held a good job, and understood him somewhat.

Gianna was a good person to have as your first girlfriend after a hard breakup, or loss. But something happens that makes Spencer realize that she is not a good fit.

It was around the 5 year anniversary of your death, and Spencer and Gianna had been together for maybe 6 months.

The one thing about Gianna, was that she was very needy. Spencer loved her, and he had expressed that quite recently. It was obvious that Gianna wanted to settle down soon.

It was obvious that Spencer wasn’t ready for that.

The dreams always came back around your death date, and Spencer had learned to deal with them.

But he didn’t know how to deal with them if someone else was around him.

Gianna was spending the night, it was late and Spencer offered. It wasn’t the first time they’d done this, but they weren’t living together by any means.

They were both asleep in Spencer’s bed, when Spencer had his dream. It was the same as it usually is, the exact same events of your death replay, but at the end you don’t tell him that you love him.

Spencer wakes up, head shooting up, and he wipes the sweat off of his forehead. He turns, and finds Gianna looking at him. A half-concerned, half- disgusted look is on her face.

“What was that about?” She asks Spencer.

“Oh, um, around her death date, I have nightmares about Y/n.” Spencer says softly. He only told the people on his team about his nightmares.

“Oh.” Gianna said, rubbing her eyes, “It’s been 5 years, I thought those would’ve gone away by now.” She said.

“I watched her die, Gianna.” Spencer says. He always got defensive when it came to you.

“I know, it’s just been a long time.” She explained, “Let’s go back to sleep bub” Gianna says, turning back over.

Spencer laid with his eyes open the rest of the night. He could never sleep after a nightmare with you in it.

Spencer broke up with Gianna shortly after that.

Ten years

Ten years after your death, Spencer visits your grave.

He brings you dandelions. You always said that they were your favorite flower. When Spencer brought up that they were actually weeds, and an invasive species, you said “That’s why I love them. They are outcasts, just like me.”

He smiles at the memory, something he did often.

Spencer thought it was sort of cheesy to talk at someone’s grave, until it came to you.

He decided today would be the first time he’d do it, he wanted to talk to you.

He sits down in front of your headstone, crisscross, and sets the flowers down. Then, he begins to talk.

“Hey Y/n. I think i’ve gotten to the point where I don’t cry when I think of you. I try to only think of good memories of you. God. I really miss you Y/n, I really fucking miss you. I miss the way you would tell me your thoughts on a case, or how you would explain your theories about TV shows. I miss having Harry Potter movie marathons with you. I don’t know. I just miss your energy. I’m glad I got to tell you how I feel Y/n. You deserved that much. A lot has happened since you’ve been gone, I wish you would’ve been there to see it. You could’ve helped me through a lot of it. Anyway, I’m rambling. I love you baby. Always have, and always will.”

And with that, Spencer presses a kiss to his hand, and presses his hand to your headstone.

~

@1800-fight-me @rachel-rebellio @itsarayofsunshine @cupcake525 @soupmakesmynoserun @elizabethkaylynn @drspencr @mattgraygubler @nanocoool @reid-187 @darling-doll9 @disney-dreams-world @myfavbau @softpeteparker @chaoticsteverogers @throughparisallthroughrome @whollytaciturn @imsuperawkward @pinkprincenamjoon @pprettyboyreid @peterparkurhs @thelimited-unlimited @agentsofblinks @reminiscing-writer @reidswords

[shmart-ash]

Spoilers for case 4 of Great Pretender, so if you haven’t finished it I recommend not reading!

While I loved the show, this was everything I found wrong with Case 4

•Edamura’s Dad

The previous cases show what kind of life Edamura lived up until he was recruited by Laurent. He grew up thinking his dad was a human trafficker, someone he respected and loved as a kid, and was someone who would not visit his dying wife. Edamura was abandoned in this indirect regard and was forced to take care of his mother. However, his mother ends up dying and now he has neither a mother or a father but it’s alright because his father was never really guilty in the first place right? Wrong. I absolutely can not get over the fact that his father chose to be a con-man over a father. This is where his father directly abandons him. I’m not even as upset that he chose to help Laurent get revenge for Dorothy, but that he chose a life where he KNEW there was a large chance there was going to be terrible repercussions for both him and his family. Edamura was just a kid and lawyers make plenty of money, there was no need for him to take on those cons. Also because of his father Edamura is forced to grow up with the label “son of a human trafficker”. Not only did that mentally effect Edamura, but it effected how other people saw him. It forced him to feel like the only way to live was by taking from others. I absolutely despised how Edamura’s father knowingly manipulated him. Imagine you are living your life and you are knowingly being manipulated. You can recognize people are pushing you a certain way, but it’s fine becasue really it’s not that big of a deal, such as Laurent manipulating Edamura to continue doing cons, but then you come to find out that a large portion of your life was planned out. That those little manipulations were nothing compared to what was happening behind the scenes. You had unknowingly been lead to someone else’s advantage and you never really had a life of your own. You have no idea what could have been because it was taken from you. Now imagine it’s your father, or someone else you looked up too, manipulating you. I don’t know about y’all but the idea that someone who was supposed to love me guided me through their own plans without my knowledge or consent is extremely upsetting and quite frankly a smidge unforgivable. I absolutely hate Edamura’s dad and can’t stand the way he was forgiven.

•Laurent

Idk why but Laurent really pissed me off in this case. At the beginning it was fine. The chemistry between him and Dorothy was meh, and I liked seeing his story, but when I realized he had been manipulating Edamura the entire time I was actually livid. The show lead me to believe that he was a good guy, but after this case I am rethinking my initial judgment. Laurent doesn’t kill, deal drungs, traffic humans, or anything that was addressed earlier in the show, but he has manipulated someone to a caliber I don’t think I get behind anymore. At first it was okay, that was just how their relationship was, Laurent dragging Edamura into the life of a con artist and Edamura grumpily being dragged along, but now? Laurent had taken away Edamuras choices and lead him on a path to bring closure to himself. I’m all for some good old fashioned revenge, but directing the life choices of someone who you barely know was a huge no-no for me. Edamura was mentally toyed with by a man who never really saw Edamura as just Edamura, but as a means to an end. His choice to put Edamura in a human trafficking business was also in horrendous fashion. Not only does Edamura have an indirect history with human trafficking, but like the show constantly says, he is emotionally sensitive. He put stress on Edamura to convince the chairwoman of his loyalty, and in response the only thing Edamura could do was sell kids despite not wanting too. Edamura really changed during this case (and I’m not talking about his looks) for the worse because of Laurent, and I honestly I don’t think Laurent is a good person anymore, which is sad because I used to love his character.

•The Resoultion

Okay so there might have been a logical reason for the previous cases antagonists to be involved in case 4, but honestly I hated it. To me there was legitimately no reason for them to come back. Their partnership didn’t make sense and it made it seem like the show was trying to throw in a bunch of random plot twists. However, I did kind of take their return as symbolism. As I said before, I don’t really like Luerant anymore because I feel like his manipulation was too much in this case. I feel like the return to these antagonists and their supossed turn to a better life drew a bridge between them and Laurant. They got better while he got worse and they kind of met each other in the middle if that makes sense. In all honesty I would have liked their return if Edamura really had gone dark, but that will be in my next point.

•Edamura’s Betrayal

When Edamura “betrayed” the team I was honestly excited. The show had established a good lead up to Edamura betraying them and honestly I felt like it’s what I would have done. I’m not gonna lie, Great Pretender had the perfect opportunity to establish Stockholm syndrome. A vile woman who comforts a man who lost his friends and even felt betrayed enough to “kill” his father. A man who felt abandoned by the world in both abandonment and death and only relied on himself until he was dragged into the world of being a con artist. I forget her name, but they both clearly felt strong familial bonds towards each other and I honestly don’t know that I would have had the strength to leave that safety despite the severity of her crimes. I genuinely believe the plot should have gone more in this direction rather than the “Let’s forgive everyone becasue they have issues”. Having trauma and issues is never an okay reason to abandon or manipulate someone. It’s a reason but should not be an excuse. Also dark Edamura was kind of a vibe and I’m going to miss it

Please keep in mind that these are freely up for discussion and do not fully reflect my feelings on the show. There were many things I enjoyed about it but I needed to get this off my chest. I’ve dealt with manipulative people in my life and it really bothers me when I see it in shows and no one acknowledges it or wants to address it. If you having anything you want to point out that needs fixed as it is canonicallyinaccurate, add, or want to discuss I’ll be more than happy to accommodate!