#tk6 muses

[tommykinard6]

You know what I think is absolutely precious about the kiss scene?

How when Tommy is opening up about being jealous, letting Buck into his insecurity, it’s the first time we’ve seen him falter since he came back. He scoffs and shakes his head when Buck tells him about how he was a part of the team, avoiding his eyes. He’s come so far, but there’ll always be that little part of him that wavers.

You know what it makes me think of?

Hen Begins.

And I’ll tell you why.

Remember asshole captain saying how Hen was a diversity hire?

Remember how Tommy had walked up to the railing with a big smile and it falling after the asshole spoke? Eyes going back and forth between them.

Remember him hugging himself during her speech?

In both cases, he was deeply unsure of his place. Hen was taking vitriol that could’ve been directed at him too and it wasn’t but he still felt its impact because it could’ve been. He was afraid and he was insecure.

In Buck’s loft, even though Tommy’s gotten a lot better and kinder with himself, he was openly admitting to feeling out of place and he’d never had someone accept him as easily into a family as Buck did in that moment.

Which makes his little surprised, “Yeah?” All that more special to me.

[demonsfate]

hi, are you looking for the other side? feel like nothing ever seems quite right? are you circling the drainpipe, getting off on pain like you're corrupted? i need to know where your loyalties lie, tell me, are you gonna bark or bite? do you really wanna twist a knife in the belly of the monster?

[thegermanspelunker]

[Continuing from X] @muses-of-the-memory​

❝I... I heard that this temple was Azazel's house... Is it right?❞ Leo said by pointing the huge building. Azazel was an evil demon who would have waken up when when “two evil stars” clashed in battle. Leo knew that through some books and inscriptions found around the temple. The boy looked around by adjusting his red scarf. ❝Has this temple already been attacked before?❞

[tommykinard6]

See, I’ve always loved the incident with Maurice and seeing Tommy flail around is so funny. The idea of him having a perpetual fear of fowl after that is amazing but let me raise you this.

The first time Evan goes over to Tommy’s, the day after an energetic night together, he goes downstairs and looks into the backyard for the first time and sees a chicken coop, his boyfriend feeding the old and hobbling rooster inside. And this is how Evan meets Maurice, old and blind in one eye but already alive longer than the projected lifespan of roosters at nearly 9. Evan watches as Maurice rests on Tommy’s lap as his boyfriend tells the story.

Tommy has always been an animal person, but never got to keep pets as a kid. When they broke up the cockfighting ring, Tommy had gone to see the skittish rooster at the animal sanctuary. And maybe it was silly to other people but something about the rooster spoke to him. Maurice was an innocent, trapped in a bad situation and manipulated into something he wasn’t by nature. And now he was uprooted from his home and didn’t understand what was happening around him.

Tommy knew the feeling.

Maurice never quite left his mind. The day after Sal left, Tommy finally went back and adopted him.

Because Tommy might have felt ridiculous for it, but things were shifting at the 118 and he was starting to find that he was restless. He needed a change. And he thought that just maybe, he and Maurice could have better together.

So Maurice took to the lawn in Tommy’s backyard and Tommy took to the skies.

Together, they were free.

At the end of the tale, Tommy watches as Evan smoothes a finger over the top of Maurice’s head and tells him, “He’s bitten everyone I’ve ever dated. But he likes you.”

And the acceptance of an aging rooster makes something settle pleasantly in Evan’s chest and he leans forward to kiss Tommy, careful not to disturb Maurice too much.

[tommykinard6]

Does it make sense to anyone if I say that with Evan people leave and with Tommy no one stays?

[tommykinard6]

Should I be eating and resting? Yes. Am I? No, so come join me for a dissertation on Tommy Kinard being lonely.

Edit to add a note since I saw a reblog about it: Tommy has no canonical age right now and Lou is 39, 40 later this year, so that is my basis for saying he’s 39.

Now when I say lonely, I don’t mean that he has no one whatsoever. I can picture him going for drinks with his team or having some Muay Thai buddies that he could call up if he really was inclined. Maybe an old army buddy or two.

But there’s something about Tommy that’s just achingly lonely, both when he was at the 118 and now at Harbor.

Tommy had a broken home, or some other kind of unstable childhood. Maybe his parents split, maybe he was mistreated, maybe he was in the system or was passed around family members. Maybe he was isolated as a child because he was a little overweight (I think Lou said something along those lines) and was bullied. I think Tommy didn’t really have any friends until high school, when puberty hit and maybe he started working out and probably joined the football team. I don’t know if anyone remembers what teenage boys are like, but I can imagine they were the same as they are today back in the 90s/early 00’s. Because around this time, Tommy might’ve started to realize that something was very different about him.

Now this isn’t a meta about how I think Tommy dealt with his sexuality (maybe I’ll do one of those later) but I think he never would’ve risked his football friends knowing even if he himself could acknowledge it, which I doubt. So he messed around, got in trouble with these guys, hung out with the bros, and pretended to be interested in girl talk.

Of course, eventually, his buddies all got girlfriends and he was always the odd one out again.

He didn’t do college. The army was his next step. And I feel like this might have been the first time in his life he wasn’t lonely. He’d learned to blend in by this point and he worked with some great people. But as he started making real friends for the first time, he also started losing them as the war tore them away.

Tommy left the army and joined the fire department. There was an aching hole where the camaraderie of the army had filled previously and with no education beyond a high school diploma, Tommy thought the fire department would replicate that. Not the police though. He’d had enough of guns.

(And ohhhh now so many ideas on his thoughts during the sniper)

But he ended up at the 118 and quickly realized that his team had maybe more of a DADT stance than the army. He realized that he had to put on an elaborate act to fool his fellow firefighters, who had more time on their hands and more prejudice they were willing to wield to pick apart his life. Tommy, who maybe had only just started to acknowledge he felt differently about guys with less panic than before, had no choice but to backslide. He acted and acted and crafted a person he wasn’t until the day that maybe he was. Sal was his closest buddy at the 118 and Tommy had no doubt that Sal would be one of the first to make his life hell. Gerrard seemed to look at Tommy as some sort of mentee. Boxed in by two notorious bigots, Tommy had never felt more claustrophobically alone.

Chim was the first one to reach out a hand of friendship, or at least the first one that didn’t come with caution tape, but he was also an “other” and Tommy, who was confused and afraid and had just had his captain call his bluff on his fake girlfriend, lashed out. Then he allowed Chim in and Chim wasn’t interested in being besties but he was a great drinking buddy and movie buddy and Tommy felt safest around him.

Then Hen came and Tommy watched her get the same treatment he was afraid of. Not that he had to worry about the racism, and he was aware of the privilege, but Hen didn’t exactly hide herself and he watched them bully his lesbian coworker. He let himself get pulled into it all and hated himself for it, but was too cowardly to break away from it. He wasn’t sure why Hen had forgiven him, but she became the only other person on shift he felt even a little safe around other than Howie. But then Chimney and Hen became best friends and Tommy fell to the wayside. They still included him, sure, but they were always a pair and there was something there that Tommy didn’t know but longed for. A closeness he’d never felt.

A best friend. A juvenile idea to him, but one he’d never truly had.

Then Gerrard was gone and Sal got transferred and the 118 moved forward under Captain Nash, but Tommy felt left behind, even in what was the most united A shift team yet. Because he was over 30 and was starting to be unable to ignore everything that he’d had to hide under Gerrard, as he no longer had a distraction from it.

He’d been a pilot in the army, so he transferred to Harbor. And Harbor was great. He wasn’t best buds with anyone (he was starting to think that was never in the cards for him) but his team didn’t carry the same baggage that the 118 had.

So Tommy started to come to terms with himself. He started to date for the first time and came out to his team. And he had several boyfriends, but most couldn’t handle the job or his baggage or the desperate need he had to be wanted. His most long term partner cheated and the one he fell hardest for couldn’t deal when Tommy was injured on the job. Even within his own relationships, he felt like he was destined to stand alone.

Tommy was 39 years old and alone, as always, when Chimney walked back into his life, dragging an adorable and also extremely hot blonde and a stoic brunette that radiated ex military in a way only ex military could know. And then Hen was there and they were trying to rescue their captain and his wife and they clearly loved each other fiercely and like family.

And as Tommy listened, flying through the remnants of a cat 5 hurricane, he thought to himself that he should’ve never left. Simply just never found himself if only that meant being part of the family the 118 was now. However, he knew deep down that he still would’ve been alone and on the outside.

And they rescued the survivors and Tommy thought that was it but then Eddie wanted to hang out. And they liked the same things and had similar experiences and Tommy couldn’t help the hope. Because the loneliness had grown stifling and now he could breathe a little. And then Evan, the cute blonde, wanted a tour of the hanger and he thought that maybe he was being hit on.

And then at the end of it all, Tommy was left realizing that he’d wedged himself between two best friends and that was what happened when he allowed himself to hope. So he went to Evan to apologize. He would get Evan and Eddie to talk to each other and then would fade into the background.

But then Evan was sweet and apologetic and told him that he was part of the 118 family simply by helping them. Tommy couldn’t help it. Here he was, at 39, with a little boy still waiting inside of him to be soothed. And Evan was hot and sweet and Tommy couldn’t help himself.

And he really liked Evan. Evan was adorable. But their first date didn’t go as planned and Tommy knew he was already whipped. So he removed himself before someone could get hurt. Evan deserved better and so did he, even if the loneliness was stifling again.

But then Evan texted him and looked at him with sparkling blue eyes over too sweet coffee and wanted him. Him. He wanted Tommy and to have something with Tommy and he wanted him to come to his sister’s wedding with him.

And Tommy looked at him and saw someone who could finally fill the ache he’d felt his whole life. He saw a man who he knew he wanted to take a chance with. All he had to do was jump.

And he did.

And it wasn’t solved, not immediately and never fully. Too many wounds were left gaping for too long to ever heal. But for the first time in his life, at 39, with the 118 surrounding him and Buck as the sunshine at his side, Tommy finally felt at peace.

[tommykinard6]

GUYS GUYS GUYS

*hurtles into the room, narrowly missing the doorframe*

I CAN MAKE IT WORSE

✋✋✋

WHAT IF…The cake Tommy got when he left the 118 was the first cake he’d gotten since he was a very small child (think 5 or 6)

🏃‍➡️🏃‍➡️🏃‍➡️

TILL WE MEET AGAIN

[tommykinard6]

Ok, we’re diving into one of my headcanons about Tommy Kinard and that is regarding his friendship/working relationship with Sal DeLuca.

As a reminder, Sal DeLuca was a firefighter at the 118 during Hen Begins and Bobby Begins Again. He was suspended/reassigned during Bobby Begins Again for blatant disrespect of Bobby and rash calls. He was also part of the Good Ole Boys club and went along with Gerrard’s behavior. He was an established asshole.

Now, moving on.

Now, and keep in mind that I didn’t watch the begins episodes again looking for this, Tommy and Sal had at least a friendly working relationship. Sal does tease Tommy on several occasions about being gay, even though we know Tommy wasn’t out at the time. Sal was simply doing it to be an ass. I’ll reevaluate when I rewatch the begins episodes, but while I don’t think they were close, I think they were at least work friends.

Now, my headcanon concerning this is that Tommy, at some point when at the 118, had a reluctant crush on Sal.

What’s my reasoning behind it? Well, for one, Sal was certainly an asshole but he was visually pretty decent. Beyond that, this goes fully into my interpretation of Tommy.

I think that when Tommy joined the 118, he was fresh out of the army. And when he went into the army, he was coming off of an unstable childhood. So I think he joined the 118 and was still looking for his footing. I’m not sure if Sal was technically supposed to be there before him, as he wasn’t in Chim Begins, but he seems older and more experienced, so we’re going to say he was. I think he likely latched onto Sal as a grounding point and took his cues on how to act from Sal. What was accepted, how he could blend in, etc.

Personally I don’t think Tommy even acknowledged to himself that he was gay until much later on.

I also personally think that Tommy was a self loathing closeted man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he latched onto a man who treated him how he thought he deserved to be treated. Even if Sal didn’t consciously know or know for sure that Tommy was gay, he still teased him at least twice blatantly about it and did so in front of the rest of a very repressive station. Seeing as neither Tommy or Sal were featured mains, we can imagine it probably happened a lot more off screen. Sal expressed general disdain for something that was fundamental to Tommy so I think Tommy latched onto that because he too hated himself.

And maybe, subconsciously, there was something about liking someone unattainable.

So yeah, that’s a decent summary of my headcanon. Is this a headcanon that I think links up with canon? Nope, I’d be surprised. But I think this is a headcanon I’d use in fics and you’re welcome to use it if you want!

Now, the headcanon I have about Sal knowing….👀👀👀👀 that’s a whole other matter.

If anyone wants to know other headcanons or want me to explore this more, please ask!

[tommykinard6]

Do you think Tommy just holds Evan sometimes and never wants to let him go? This impossible, adorable, gentle, absolutely precious man decided he wanted Tommy. That Tommy was important enough for Evan to kiss and reach for for comfort and wake up next to in the mornings. Tommy's determined to cherish him for as long as he can.

I do in fact think this.

I also think that Tommy isn’t convinced fully that Evan won’t wake up one day and decide he wants to experience more. Not because of anything Evan did or anyone in his life, but because Tommy has only ever wanted to be loved and all his relationships have failed, some worse than others. And as much as Tommy has worked on self love, he still doesn’t always believe that others can want him.

But then he wakes up with Evan’s arms around him and soft kisses being pressed into his neck, the rough scratch of stubble reassuring him that this is real. The deep rumble of Evan’s voice as he murmurs, “Mine” into Tommy’s neck.

And in front of others, at a cookout at Bobby and Athena’s, Tommy still struggles to fully find his footing sometimes but Evan pulls him into the conversation and intertwines their fingers and kisses his cheek.

And when Tommy calls him “Mine”, Evan says, “Always.”

[tommykinard6]

Petting my cat and thinking about how Tommy is pulled to Evan Buckley, as if someone attached a magnet to him.

Thinking about how Tommy craves everything about Evan. His buoyant energy and rambling facts and smile that could rival the sun itself. His long, strong arms that pull Tommy close. Evan likes to joke about how he’d never had a partner larger than him before, but Tommy finds that he’s never had a partner that could make him feel so small and safe.

Thinking about how Tommy’s never felt safe before and he didn’t even know it until Evan wrapped his arms around him and tucked his chin over his shoulder.

Thinking about how Evan Buckley is the sun and Tommy is a planet trapped in his gravitational pull. Evan is the sun and Tommy is a sunflower, turning towards his warmth and light.

Thinking about Tommy’s bad days, the ones we all have, where he can’t bring himself out of bed. Where the darkness gets overwhelming. And Evan brings the sun to him in the form of his gentle smile and soft touch, in food and extra blankets and a warm embrace.

Thinking about how Tommy has vowed to keep his sun from ever losing its light. Because without Evan, Tommy would lose his world.

[tommykinard6]

I was just thinking, and not trying to tempt fate here, but I was expecting to get a lot of haters as a BuckTommy shipper and frequent poster. But I got three in my asks and unrelatedly blocked two people and since then I haven’t gotten anything. I’ll find it funny if I accidentally blocked the people responsible, but otherwise I’m honestly surprised that my online experience has been as chill?

Don’t mind me, I’m rambling.

[tommykinard6]

One more post before bed! Here’s a couple of headcanons of mine!

~When they decide to make it fully official, Evan and Tommy immediately make each other their emergency contact. They know the risks in their line of work and they aren’t taking chances.

~They both secretly are pretty financially stable. Buck worked a lot of odd jobs and the Buckleys seemed like they were well off/upper middle class. I feel like he started saving early and then living and working in some less expensive states helped. Army pilots get paid decently and I feel like Tommy isn’t an extravagant person. He buys himself something if he wants it, but his tastes are simple and he’s older now. Both of them have always had some sort of job, with varying durations and reliability.

~Tommy has a complicated relationship with s*x.

~Tommy was in the system, but he entered at a later age.

~Tommy has been steadily in therapy since he left the 118 and Buck gets inspired to reach out to Dr. Copeland again.

Enjoy!

[tommykinard6]

I love your headcanons!

Why do you think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex and how does that show?

Also do you have any more ideas about the emergency contact one? Like the first time they get a call from the hospital...

Yessss thank you so much for asking about those headcanons! I’ve been wanting to talk about these.

I actually just got another ask about the emergency contact and I’m going to go super in depth for that, so stay tuned!

But why do I think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex? I’m so, so glad you asked. This is one of my biggest headcanons.

However! Please read with caution. TW: for a form of self h*rm involving sex, self hatred, and internalized homophobia.

Tommy was extremely closeted for most of his life. When he was at the 118, he couldn’t even accept himself. But at some point, he stopped being able to ignore it. For me, this might be when he realized he liked Sal (see my other post).

Now for some people, exploring your sexuality includes a *ahem* wild phase. To me, Tommy had two parts of this phase. The first one was…not great.

Tommy was a self loathing closeted man. He hated himself for being gay. He wanted to be “normal”. So when he stopped being able to ignore it, he thought he could “get it out of his system”. So he went to bars outside of LA (he wasn’t risking bumping into anyone he knew) and hooked up with any man who showed interest. He wasn’t picky. He was just more focused on getting out of this “phase”.

So he hooked up with a lot of men. And he didn’t care about himself at all. In fact, he out right hated himself every time. So it devolved. If something didn’t feel good, Tommy leaned into it because he saw it as punishment. He used sex to punish himself and to hurt himself.

I’m not quite sure about how he pulled himself out of it, but we’ll go with this. My idea is that he had a sexual partner who caught onto what was going on, that Tommy secretly hated something happening but refused to stop on his own. The partner shut down the event and when he called out, gently, Tommy on what was happening, Tommy broke down. The partner held him and listened to his garbled story and talked him through it. Instead of the hookup, they spent that night just talking, with the partner trying to get Tommy to see what was happening and get him out of the slump.

And it didn’t fix it. Tommy continued this pattern for a couple more hookups, but he started to get discontented and uncomfortable. Around this time maybe, the 118 got Bobby Nash and the dynamic started changing. Sal was gone and working with Hen, an openly queer firefighter, started to shift how he looked at himself.

So Tommy stopped the hookups and started working on himself. He couldn’t quite face himself still, but he worked on liking himself outside of his sexuality. He started laying down boundaries when he hooked up. And then he left the 118 and started therapy. He was ready to start over. He was tired of the pain and the self hate and the cycle he’d been stuck in for so long. He wanted what he’d seen others have. He saw Hen with her wife and he wanted a bond like that and he knew it could never be with a woman.

Skip forward all this time and he’s learned to be gentle with himself. He finally loves himself. He has embraced his sexuality. Maybe he’s still friendly with that past partner or maybe they never spoke again, idk. He’s had some relationships but nothing’s really stuck. Then he meets Evan Buckley.

He meets Evan Buckley and he feels the sun for the first time. And Evan is still figuring himself out and Tommy not only really likes him, but also wants to make sure Evan doesn’t make the same mistakes he did.

Does that answer the question? Let me sum it up.

Tommy used sex to punish himself and those were his first real experiences with guys. So even now, in healthier relationships and with better mindsets, he doesn’t do the hookup game anymore and is very shy of having sex too soon. He doesn’t have sex without knowing and trusting the person.

Y’all I have no idea if this made sense, but this is literally the premise of a story in my brain.

[tommykinard6]

Parting thought before bed!

Buck and Tommy BOTH share a massive praise kink and mutual need for validation.

[tommykinard6]

hi!! id love to hear more about sal knowing all along 👀

*slides dramatically into the camera frame* well, since you asked!

3 am thoughts with TK6!

So my idea is that Sal really knew about Tommy all along.

How? Couple of options. Maybe Sal’s gaydar is secretly amazing and he clocked it immediately. He might’ve looked at Tommy the moment he set step in the 118 and went “that man is gay af”.

All jokes aside (and really, that was only a half joke, his gaydar could actually be great) it could’ve been something like they went out for drinks and got smashed. Maybe Tommy referred to someone (like a celebrity crush or maybe a past hookup, I’m not of the opinion he had actual relationships before coming out) by the wrong pronouns. Maybe he outright said it. Something somewhere along those lines. And then the next day Tommy didn’t remember it but Sal did.

Or, and I find this even more likely, Sal actually had great observation skills. He watched how Tommy shied away from mentioning partners, how his girlfriends always “couldn’t make it”, how he would entertain flirtation from girls but never went home with them on nights out (or maybe didn’t flirt, but I feel like Tommy would’ve tried to blend in), and as his suspicion grew he watched Tommy and noticed that his eyes never strayed towards girls and how his eyes would drift towards men and snap away quickly-or maybe he fully avoided looking at the guys even Sal could admit were attractive.

So he decided to test it out. Next time there was a good chance to slip in a joke, he did. He teased Tommy about being gay. Tommy wasn’t prepared. He hadn’t been expecting it. So he froze, briefly. It wouldn’t have been something super obvious, or else it would’ve been too much. Tommy made it through the army; he’s been called gay before. But he was secure at the 118 and hadn’t prepared himself. And that’s when Sal knew, even more so when Tommy was tense for the next couple of shifts.

Tommy was probably waiting for him to make a big deal about it. But Sal didn’t. Why? Who knows. Maybe as long as Tommy was in the closet, Sal was fine ignoring it. Maybe they were friends enough that he wasn’t quite enough of an asshole as to out him. Or maybe it was more malicious. He wasn’t enough of an asshole as to out him, but he kept sliding in jokes, just to watch Tommy jolt. Even better when Gerrard started making jokes too.

Who knows? Maybe Gerrard figured it out or maybe he just caught on to one of the only things that actually rattled an otherwise steady firefighter? Whether he thought it was true or not.

Either way, Sal knew but for years, played his own game. Whether for his own entertainment or some twisted form of protection.

Depends on your interpretation of Sal, really.

And there we go! That’s my thoughts on Sal knowing. I’m always willing to answer questions about this headcanon and others.

Y’all aren’t even prepared for my super sad fic starring this theory. I haven’t even convinced myself to write it yet 🤣😭

Enjoy!

[tommykinard6]

Hi! I love ur writing! Sooo I'm thinking about more angsty Tommy. When he feels lonely when back to empty apartment after shift. Eat dinner alone and feeling hollow. He got friends, just like he hang out with Eddie and doing stuff like Muay Thai or so, but he keep a strict barrier between having fun with friends and his personal life. No one has ever step into his apartment and see his vulnerable side. Not until he meet Buck.

(sorry for my grammar)

(You’re perfectly fine, no worries!)

You’re so sweet! Yes! You understand lonely Tommy so much and I love your brain. I think Tommy has had trouble letting people in all his life, even once he had no more secrets. He has trouble keeping friends close. He’s had some relationships, but he’d rather go to theirs. I think maybe he has a tiny house, one he bought after he transferred to Harbor. I think he wanted a family and someone who’d love him so he bought a house to prepare, but he’s spent years without anyone else in it. And he loves his little house, I definitely agree with the headcanon that he got a fixer upper and is huge into DIY, but it’s also a reminder of how lonely he is.

Until Buck. Buck never presses to go to Tommy’s, understands when they’re just at his loft for a couple of months, but Tommy sees a future with him and takes him to his house. Reminders of Buck start to occupy every inch of his house so that even when Buck isn’t there, Tommy doesn’t feel alone anymore.