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kinardsevan · 9 hours ago

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in the shadow, here i am (and I need someone by my side)

this is half inspired by @sherlocking-out-loud's prompt, and was also already half-written for the second half of it based off of the interaction that takes place in it. I think they slot together well <3 cw: 8x15 spoilers (although I'm assuming if you're here, you've already seen it)

It’s a long day. Bobby’s faith being what it was leads to Athena holding a full Catholic funeral for him, combined with the LAFD doing their part in holding a full processional for him. The graveside service is a struggle for everyone, and it takes every ounce of determination Evan has in him to hold it together when it comes time to ring the bell.

Afterward, the chief announces a gathering at city hall, which most of their team comes to the conclusion that they don’t actually want to attend. Still, Athena is in full need of their support, so they band together with her to make an appearance. Still, once they’ve made a quick round, they find a way to slip her and the kids out before they all agree to meet back at Evan’s place. In some sort of cruel, twisted joke, the finishing touches seemed to be going on Bobby and Athena’s house, but Athena was still struggling to decide if she actually wanted to live there now without Bobby. Plus, in the face of losing the captain, Evan had taken on the role of taking care of everyone and making sure everything related to the funeral was covered. By relation, Tommy was doing his best to make sure Evan was taken care of, but it was all a process. He tried not to push too hard because he knew it was a delicate balance between letting Evan maintain his hold on his grief—and frankly, his sanity at the moment—and if that meant helping him host a post-funeral get-together, then so be it.

Truth be told, though, food wasn’t what any of them wanted, even if the kitchen and multiple tables in the living room were flooded with food—mostly from recipes that Evan had learned directly from Bobby. It didn’t stop the baking, either, and there were plenty of cakes, cookies, and pastries scattered across a table set aside just for desserts.

Stll, whether people were just being polite or they actually felt the urge to eat something, inevitably everyone ended up with at least a small plate with one thing or another on it, having changed out of their dress blues and nice clothes into more casual clothing. Light conversation scattered here and there, and while Evan was working on cutting up a homemade pizza after someone—he was pretty sure it was Eddie—suggested that greasy food might help, he returned to the living room to find their friends telling stories about Bobby. Some were funny, others were sad, but all were sentimental.

As he walks back in and sets the pizza on the coffee table, Eddie is finishing a story about how Bobby had helped him during his time at Dispatch. Based on the way conversation has been shifting around the room, Tommy is next in line, and Evan has no idea what the pilot is going to say.

A wistful smile pulls at his face as he stares down at the coffee cup in his hands.

“I put in for my transfer about a month before Evan finished at the academy,” he states. He clears his throat after a moment and inhales a breath, trying to choose his words correctly. “After Bobby came into the 118, I think it was the first time I really felt like I could maybe fit somewhere, being myself. I was still trying to work out what that meant, and it took me a while, and I had this stupid fear of actually doing it in front of…” He pauses again, holding a palm out to gesture at everyone else. “Well, I guess in front of all of you.”

Evan leans against the wall by the doorway, staring over at Tommy as he talks. His gaze falls to a loose thread on the oatmeal gray long-sleeved henley the pilot is wearing at the same time Tommy seems to spot it, pulling on it with his thumb and forefinger. He watches Tommy’s gaze flit to the ceiling, and something inside his chest twists, knowing the other man is trying to keep his own emotions at bay.

“Anyway, I’d been flying a lot after ending my last relationship, working out what I felt like I could handle and not, and as much as I wanted to stay, I didn’t feel ready to do it in front of people who knew me so intimately. Bobby knew I was working on getting fully certified and mentioned Harbor being an option with Air Support after a few conversations where I’d mentioned being restless and needing a change.

“The week I left, he asked if we could get coffee before a shift.”

Tommy walks into the firehouse wearily, stopping by the lockers long enough to drop off his things off in his before heading up to the second floor. Bobby texted him just before he’d left his house to let him know that he’d swung by the coffeeshop nearby and picked up the good stuff.

He climbs to the mezzanine, past the walkway and around the corner to the captiain’s office, knocking twice before entering when Bobby calls out.

“Kinard,” Bobby greets warmly. The older man looks more awake than Tommy feels, but the coffee cup sitting on the visitor’s side of the desk has Tommy’s regular order scrawled on the side—caramel latte with extra caramel and and extra shot—and it lures him into the room, where he drops into a chair across from Bobby and lifts the lid off, taking a sip from it and letting the warmth slide down gratefully. Something about that first drop hitting his stomach feels like life kicking in and the exhaustion being tamped down just a little bit.

“Hey Cap,” he states after recapping the drink and settling back on the desk. He grants the other man a small smile. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah,” Bobby answers. He seems to study Tommy for a moment, thinking on his words. He takes another sip of his own coffee and then settles back in his chair. “I guess there’s no right way to say this, given that you’re already headed to Harbor next week. But I wanted to express that it’s been a pleasure to have you here with the team. You made settling in around here a little bit easier.”

Tommy grants a small smile at Bobby’s statement and nods. “I appreciate it. It’s been a good thing to be here under your tutelage.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Bobby responds. SIlence settles in between them briefly, and Tommy’s brow furrows in curiosity. He feels a little awkward, wondering if he was really asked to come in early just so that Bobby could give him a good send-off. But when the other man doesn’t speak right away, he leans forward and starts to push up from his chair. “We done?”

“I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of change,” Bobby comments. The way his voice sounds coming out of his mouth punches Tommy in the chest. “And I’ve never wanted to push you to talk about anything you weren’t ready for, especially if you’re not ready for it. But I hope that you're leaving is in pursuit of something that brings you good things, and that it’s not because you didn’t feel like you couldn’t be yourself or that you didn’t feel safe here.”

Tommy gulps, staring down at the ground hard. How many times has he wished that someone would tell him that he deserves to feel safe? How many times has he wanted to find a place where someone would let him be himself?

He picks up his coffee and stares down at it, sniffs. After a few seconds he clears his throat and looks up at Bobby.

“I’m gay,” he rasps. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, glancing up the ceiling for a moment.“And, it’s taken me a long time to get to that without feeling like I have to…”

“Be someone else for everybody else?” Bobby offers.

Tommy nods.

“And you know you don’t have to leave here in order to be who you want to be, right?” Bobby asks.

“I do,” Tommy responds. A rueful smile crosses his face. “On both fronts. Not because of anything wrong here, but so that-..”

“You can fully embrace it without any strings.”

“Yeah,” Tommy answers, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Bobby nods for a moment. “Well, you always have a place here if you ever change your mind.”

“He was the first person I ever told,” Tommy finishes, his gaze still on his coffee cup. A hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes, and he glances up to see Eddie beside him. The younger man squeezes his shoulder again, and Tommy nods at him before his gaze shifts across the room towards Evan as someone else starts telling their own story. He watches as his ex-boyfriend-current-situationship clears his throat as an emotional expression crosses his face. He mutters a soft ‘sorry’ that Tommy’s not sure most of the room catches, and then ducks into the hallway around the corner.

His gaze flits back toward Maddie, who seems to have been the only one who noticed, and he shakes his head in a small movement towards her, lifting his hand slightly before settling his coffee cup on the sideboard beside him and walking down the hall after Evan.

When he reaches the end of the hall, the bedroom door is mostly shut, but a sliver of light slips through. Tommy wraps his hand around the door handle and gives a very light knock.

“Evan?”

He hears sniffles from inside the room and eases the door open enough to slide in before closing it behind himself. Evan is seated on the side of the bed, sniffling as he rubs a palm anxiously over his knee.

“I’m fine,” he insists, trying to wave Tommy off with his other hand. He says it as though they haven’t spent every night together since Bobby's passing, like Tommy wasn’t the one who brought Evan home, got him showered and into bed, and stayed curled up with him for the next twelve hours as he moved through each undertow of grief.

Tommy crosses the room anyway and sits down next to Evan, tilting his head to look at him as he rests a hand between Evan’s shoulder blades. Evan lets out a quiet sob and Tommy shifts to move closer, but Evan lifts his hand from his leg, shaking it.

“No, no,” he insists. “I-…” He forces down a deep breath before looking up at Tommy. The pilot reaches up and wipes at the tears on Evan’s face, looking at him with concern.

“I j-just- n-nobody gets it,” Evan stammers. “Not really. I- I mean, Maddie has always had a better relationship with our parents than me, a-and I know Chim lost his mom, but he has the Lee’s, a-and Hen has her mom-..”

“And they’ve all always had someone,” Tommy finishes for him in a softer tone.

Evan nods. “I…b-before I got here and joined the LAFD, had Bobby in my life…” His voice trails off as he folds his hand out, at a loss for the right words.

“You didn’t have anyone,” Tommy says, stroking his thumb between Evan’s shoulder blades where his hand still rests on the younger man’s back. It takes him a few seconds, but Evan nods, staring off into space as if recalling a memory. When he breaks from it, he glances back up at Tommy.

“I mean, Maddie was around, but she went to Boston when I was 12, and then I tried to get her to leave with me when I was 19, and she sent me away with her jeep because of how her ex-husband was,” he explains. “And everywhere I went, I never fit. Until I got here, and landed i-in your open spot.”

Tommy gives a small, wistful smile, nodding.

“Bobby turned that place into a safe haven,” he comments.

Evan nods again. “H-he was really insistent in the beginning, about how- how we weren’t family. But over time, I think we wore him down, a-and Athena.” He pauses, sniffs softly, and then shakes his head. “Somewhere in the midst of it, it was like finally having a-a real…”

“Like having a father,” Tommy finishes. Evan nods, sniffling, and he rubs his hand up and down the younger man’s back again.

“And I like everyone’s stories, but… no one seems to get how it feels losing that,” he murmurs.

Tommy rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, sliding his hand down Evan’s back and pulling it away. The younger man looks over at him, a haunted expression on his face as Tommy’s own reminds him of one he’d seen on the pilot’s face the night they broke up.

But then Tommy slides his palm into Evan’s and interlaces their fingers.

“I do,” he rasps, staring down at their hands. Evan’s eyebrows raise, and he opens his mouth to ask, only to stop himself. Something about the way Tommy is reaching out instead of running, trying to build a bridge instead of bolting, makes him stay quiet so that he can hear the man out.

“My mom,” he explains, tilting his head slightly. The wistful smile returns as he strokes his thumb against the back of Evan’s. Tommy wrinkles his nose and sniffs. “She died when I was seven. She was kind-of my world… at least as much as a mom can be when her kid is obsessed with monster trucks. But, she loved romcoms, and she always made the best homemade red velvet cake.”

Evan watches him silently, heartened by the fact that Tommy is choosing to finally share this part of himself with him.

“She uh…she got sick, really fast,” Tommy states, forcing a smile on his face as his eyes start to burn. “One day she was fine, and then she got this pain in her chest, and after a really short hospital stay, she was home for a few weeks, and then she was gone.”

Evan lifts his free hand up to Tommy’s cheek, stroking along his temple.

“Baby,” he murmurs softly, his voice lilting. “I’m so sorry.”

Tommy shakes his head, looking up at Evan with tears clinging to his waterline. He forces down a gulp along with a deep breath.

“She would’ve really liked you,” he comments. He turns into Evan’s palm slightly, kissing the edge of it. “Would’ve said it was about time I found someone who wouldn’t just let me keep running.”

Evan smiles at him, a little rueful. “Bobby already did like you.”

Tommy raises an eyebrow slightly. “Yeah?”

Evan nods. “He said you were good for me.” His gaze flits back and forth at Tommy’s eyes as he strokes his thumb along the man’s face again. “He wasn’t wrong.”

Tommy’s smile grows a little, heartened as well, and he reaches up for Evan’s wrist, holding onto it as he leans into the younger man. Evan meets him in the middle, trading soft, open-mouthed kisses for a few seconds. When they part, Tommy rests his forehead against Evan’s.

“Life’s fucking fleeting,” he murmurs.

Tommy nods. “That it is.”

“And I don't want another second to pass without you knowing exactly where you stand in my life,” Evan states. Tommy leans up slightly, clearly curious but also prepared for the seriousness of whatever Evan is about to say.

“Okay?”

The younger man’s gaze flits again, down to Tommy’s lips briefly, and then back up toward him.

“I love you,” Evan says softly. “I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time now, and I don’t want to waste more time on what might be. I don’t want anyone else; I haven’t since the day I met you. I didn’t know what I was looking for when I found you, but I do now, and it’s just you, in whatever form that takes.”

Tommy presses his lips together anxiously as he inhales a deep breath. He gulps, tilts his head down slightly, looking at where their hands are still intertwined.

“Why be apart when we can be together,” he murmurs, almost a whisper.

Evan laughs a breath. “Yeah, I guess.”

Tommy looks back up at him. “Falling in love with you is both the easiest and most terrifying thing I have ever done. You made a black and white world technicolor, but at such a speed and assurance that the crash felt inevitable. It took me a long time to realize I was the one driving the car.” He pauses, gently pulling Evan’s hand down off his face only to curl his fingers around the younger man’s chin and grin at him, his eyes drifting to Evan’s lips. “I think I loved you before I even knew you, before I knew the possibility of you. You just turned up one day, and my heart already knew you.”

Evan blushes at Tommy’s words.

“‘course, I had to get out of my own way first,” he comments, and they both laugh. Tommy tilts his head slightly, still looking at him. “I love you so much, Evan. I wake up every day thankful that you’ve survived a bomb that was intended for me, and being struck by lightning, and lately I feel really fucking selfish and also grateful that you didn’t get locked in that facility with the rest of the 118 and contract CCHF.”

Evan breathes a few breaths. He understands what Tommy means, even if a wave shoots through his chest, given that he’s definitely had moments where he wished he could’ve switched places with Bobby or Chimney, regardless of the fact that he knows that Bobby would’ve fought to get everyone out if roles had been reversed. And then, of course, there’s the issue of the fact that every time he had that thought, his competing thought was the fact that he would’ve left Tommy alone. Again. It's the first time it starts to dawn on him that—as Eddie had told him so long ago—that his life isn’t expendable. Someone waits for him to come home.

“Where do we go from here,” Evan asks softly.

Tommy looks back at him somberly, his thumb shifting to the edge of the younger man’s jaw and stroking gently. A small laugh escapes him, and he repeats himself, his voice ticking up towards the end of the sentence. “Why be apart when we can be together?”

“You want to move in together,” Evan asks.

Tommy gulps. “I don’t want to risk the idea that one of us could die tomorrow, and I didn’t spend every waking moment possible getting to love you. So yes, I want to move in together. I want everything you said that night. Not…” He pauses, inhales a deep breath. “Not tomorrow, but…when things feel better, and we have a real plan.”

Evan nods. He’d had a conversation with Athena a few days before, talking about how they both wanted more time with Bobby, and she’d mentioned the fact that he had said to her that he wanted more time with her, but they weren’t going to get it. Lying in bed over the past few nights with Tommy beside him, he couldn’t shake the fact that they were staring down the barrel of being granted that option, only to let stupid idiosyncrasies and fears stand in their way because they both kept choosing ot pine in fear instead of being willing to be the one that would take the leap and pick up the phone.

“Will…will you s-stay? In the meantime,” Evan asks. Tommy squeezes his hand again.

“Baby, I’ll be here as long as you let me.”

#bucktommy #my fic #sloth writes #tevan #kinley #firepilot #firebeast

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