#idk im just. trying to remember there is something there. it keeps going to the back of my mind
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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not even joking abt the cognitive decline anymore im actually scared. i saw the tv glow hit too hard for me everything has felt wrong and i don't even know since when, do i have long covid brain fog? residual damage from my concussion this past fall? what about my first concussion six years ago? i feel like there are pages missing. i feel the gaps in my knowledge and awareness and abilities. im scrambling around in the dark
#everything's so mentally taxing and maybe it's because im rotting my brain with screens#maybe it's the adhd (7 months off my meds)#maybe it's that im just stupid.#im rereading one of my favorite book series from childhood (fablehaven) on a nostalgia kick#and i have to keep turning back a page bc i missed something. THIS IS A MIDDLE GRADE NOVEL#it's frustrating#today i couldnt remember basic information like i forgot how much my horse's board is and the name of an old trainer#and i lost my way 3 times trying to take my friend on a trail ride on a route i regularly go.#maybe it's also lack of sleep#idk
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anxiety problem: too anxious to go to thing on my own
solution: get someone to go with me to thing
anxiety problem: too anxious to ask someone to go with to thing
solution: ??????
#alpaca.txt#i keep forgetting i have anxiety and then like. oh no i need to do A Thing#im so sos so scared of the gender appointment even tho apparantly if i can manage to get the appoinment its prettymuch certain i get the hrt#idk. i cant ask parents to go with to gender appointment bc they are. kinda trying to discourage me tbh#i feel too weird about asking my sister(s??) about it and i cant articulate why even tho shes. a. only other people i can ask#b most transition knowing person i know#i can like. get there on my own fine i think im just. super aware that if things are too important i physically cant say them#and its the GET GENDER CARE APPOINTMENT so its. all. Super Important things#fuck.#idk what to do#also like i want to go to pride bc ive never been and ive actually remembered this year in pride month#but also. too scared on my own. only irl queer ppl i know is sister+partners. and theyre either busy or got their own plans#like w their friends bc they have a lot of queer friends. and that would be weird and lame of me to just. go w them then#i think this is what my support workers supposed to help me with but actually fuck i forgot to ever come out to her and idk her Trans Opinon#unfortunately gender appointment is something i both never want anyone to know what i said and a thing i need help with
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So Allegedly Infinite Wealth is 100 hours... not that you can't already spend that long on the games if you really want to, but I'd say it's the first time that could be said to be the base experience rather than a time only hardcore completionists are likely to get.
Yokoyama was talking at length about wanting to make the game worth the price tag since the team is incredibly conscious about the value of the players' time and money. They essentially feel they owe players ten times what they paid, so they're aiming for "an enjoyable 100 hours, but also an unforgettable 100 hours."
If they pull it off, I personally think it'd be 100% worth it and not just a "well other studios are doing it so we can get away with it too" price hike... I'm at least happy to know that's not the intent, and I'm intrigued to see how everything pans out and what the ratio is between story and side content
oh yayaya i saw that article this morning!!! 100 hours is actually so unfathomable to me in terms of an rgg game- i mean y7 was At Minimum around 45~50 hours but when i think of other RPGS that easily dip into 70's and 100's of hours, i'm not too surprised to see LAD start to climb towards those numbers now. it'd be such a jump in rgg's terms tho, so i'm TRULY curious to see where the nearly doubled gameplay hours comes from..
i really appreciate yoko's respect not just to RGGS but also to its customers: they want to make a great product, but they also don't want to sacrifice what they want to do to do that in the process
#snap chats#very timely article since .. i think it was passport i dont exactly remember who it was that was concerned about the game quality#maybe it was kana... idk one of you lot LMAO POINT IS thank you for reading our minds yoko#i wouldnt mind 100+ hours of island content LMAO but fr im truly curious to see what the main plot's gon be bout then#i mean we KNOW the main plot but yk what i mean... how the hell does this pan out..#REGARDLESS. i never had any issue with the LAD8 price#maybe its just cause i dont buy videogames too much <- liar (theyre old so like .2% cheaper its ok i think)#in rgg's case i always know im gonna get something i'll love for months- even years at this point#either way its nice knowing that yoko's at least aware of people who aren't happy with the price#and even besides that still just want to make a worthy game#aint nothin wrong with knowin your worth.. i think.#talking about videogame prices in general honestly im p sure the avg price for a game should be in the 100's by now#going off inflation anyway#so the fact devs are still trying to keep it under the $100 is. Something to me anyway#the quality of games- in terms of graphics anyway- has really gone up. idk if that warrants a FAT slap of an expense in the end#but it's not hard for me to understand the crawl towards it right#but now im ramblngi LMAOOOOOO anyways#haruka did nothing wrong yoko said it himself <3
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#im so fucked. im so so fucked#i just woke up slightly hungover and took a shot#very bad development in the alcohol dependency department#and im trying to be like whatever hair of the dog common occurrence. however ik it’s way more serious than that#i fucking hate being sober to the point it’s going to ruin my life#but drinking is such a huge reprieve from the bullshit that i can barely care#im so fucked. lmao#ik i cld just ask my brother to stop buying it or keeping liquor around but i cannot bring myself to give it up#it’s always i’ll think about it tmrw. i’ll deal with it tmrw. but tmrw never comes#why can’t i just be fucking normal why can’t i just be happy without being under the influence of Something. hell not even happy why can’t#i just be content.#ive always been like this. i still remember my first drink and i remember the first time i drank to escape and i havent gotten away from it#since#idk how to. i think itll always just be like this til i die. i dont think im capable of not being this#i dont think i was capable of ever being. a person. to be begin with#i get this awful feeling i shouldve never existed in this form#and i’ll do anything to just feel okay. to feel relatively normal. hence why im here#fucking whatever my life is so worthless anyway may as well just drink myself to death honestly
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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bro is inquisitive
#thinking of the possibilities of how it could be worse it's funny how you start to get addicted to thinking like a danmei writer#you are like anddd what if this person was (insert a guy who coughed once in chapter 15) anyways#i managed to not get many spoilers bc i hate it but i have always suspected that shi mei had a thing for cwn firstly bc i once saw a ship#tag and was like ?? well that is not uncommon as people ship shrek with chanyeol (im people) but secondly after that scene where mo ran#pinky interrogated him i was sooo 100% sure of it. but then there was nothing much so i let it go. the one mini spoiler i saw was#the enemy on pinterest who replied to a pic of a character saying it was shi mei/other name (didn't look at it) so it was why i knew#he was classically someone else. but even without that his ass was raising suspicion just for the way how blank he was#and i knew it was intentional so i kept thinking who he could be and my guess was xu shuanglin (rest in pieces poor guy)#bc i thought that both of them had the same spiritual essence or something. also the guy in the motel at the beginning who also had water#essense could only be either of them. but this is not the point bc then i was thinking that shi mei was simultaneously mo nian#bc why would he have the reason to be annoyed with mo ran to that extent. and also bc i knew there was a fire and hua binance has face burn#but mo ran chopped his head off bless his souls and good for him so how else can that be worse#he could also be that child of nangong yan who had his mother die bc of mo ran and mom he would also have a reason to try and compare#himself to mo ran in every way and hate him but why would he need to store nangong blood for mount jiao is he is nangong himself#but that would be great for disgusting points bc he would be mo ran's half brother doing all that ??#im just taking a break from throwing up bc of his ass trying to assault cwn every chance he gets and idk anything yet#so it would be interesting to keep guessing his motives as i do not get it yet but also (procceed to throw up)#also his interactions with corpse taxian ?? god tier. taxian is in the middle of diss battle drops his mic after every sentence#the crowd (me) cheers. moving on but i really enjoy insane plot twists i wish i remembered well what i was thinking while reading tgcf#the widely known thing is that i didn't even consider that fu yao and nan feng were fengqing it's my favorite thing bc i wholeheartedly#believed the little guys just loved their generals way too much#00
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i have a new theory for aru sekai fans & by new i mean someone else might have caught on already but i havent seen it said SO. the rute furutewoa melody is in kyuuyaku, touhikou, & now kannagi (maybe elsewhere bc i havent been looking for this motif before i only realized it today really & i havent had time to go thru all the songs again yet) & we have kyuu (past), something in touhikou im too tired to remember currently but i remember calling something similar a while ago when someone asked if there was a timeline to this, and now kannagi that uses the older language so im willing to bet this motif is a way of saying the events in the song happened in the "past". whether thats actually Long Ago or just to say its not the current situation or just happened before the songs without it i cant say for sure but i think it makes sense given what we have now.
just like we have the nami no ne no motif that signals which characters still have their "self" if its in the song or lost it if its not.
i have to do some more digging of course but with what i know right now this makes the most sense to me
#aru sekai series#u know those old people who say they do crosswords to keep their brain sharp. thats what this series feels like to me.#incredibly complex puzzle to put together in which i need to be constantly learning new things & concepts#anyway for some reason i feel like theres a link to ashura that im not touching on too but idk for sure yet#there is. something about ashura that drives me insane bc it FEELS familiar there IS. SOME sort of motif or theme or SOMETHING there#i KNOW it but i can never place WHAT it makes me rabid.#tell me your secrets puppet girl#also btw kannagi i think also ties into touhikou. given the art & that line thats like prayer will come to sustain us or whatever it is#its 2am ive had a long day i dont remember the exact thing rn. usually i check before posting but please excuse me just this once#i wish i could make friends with the jpn magu fans who also go wild over the lore but idk how to find them. its always like one off comments#sorry i didnt really go wild over yamete kudasai. it just felt rather straight forward & didnt give any big reveals that i know of#so i just kind of went ah neat & looped it for a while#but kannagi. kannagi's got the puzzle aspect back & a WHOLE BUNCH of links to other songs. & thats without knowing the lyrics#but also u know kyuuyaku's my fave so having this be closely related is a big 👀👀👀 for me#i saw someone try to say kannagis the ka in the amakakeru arc of songs (if that is a real arc. it Is a fan theory idk how accurate tho)#but that wouldnt be right bc we already have kanon for the ka.#if there are arcs like that i think itd be in with whatever ashura's in. even tho ashura is a 5 kanji song and kannagis only 1
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i need to find someone else to talk to about all this i can't keep crying to the same person that's not fair
#i mean he's the only one who really knows the context of what's going on#but like im sure it's just getting annoying for him bc i have nothing new to say lmao it's just the same shit#idk if anything else on that. situation (?) has happened#lowkey i'm proud of myself that i could keep my promise#haven't tried to check her blog since i promised not to do so#wahoo#yells and screams and kills myseld#i better be over this by the end of the week or im gonna like#sue myself or something#set myself on fire#or maybe a small store#idfk#im fine mostly until i am laying in bed trying to sleep and then i think and then i break out the vent blog#wasever#talking to yourself is better than bothering friends REMEMBER THAT#krills myself
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ah wait i forgot abt the iconic transformation of intimidation
#tbh i really think nyanko sensei was just trying to keep the book out of natsumes hand to keep him safe for reiko#idk abt the newer chapters since i stopped reading if they shed more insight onto nyanko#but thats what i always felt#and like i said#its really just intimidation?#like i know nyanko threatens to eat natsume a lot but i think thats more of a 'to keep the human humble' kind of thing lmao#not that natsume ever took it seriously i think?#im saying a lot for something i barely remember :(#anyways im going to be annoying abt this until further notice <3#michi tag
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Mm
#love it when you fear of being alone but its in your nature to push others away and isolate yourself#and then at one point its like…why try? they obviously have others they are more happy to interact with and you already lost that spark#and you were always just gonna be a stone they past by and your not mad at them for it cause its ur meant to be a pretty rock to keep them-#- and have them want to keep you#i care a lot about you and i wanna know whats going on#but i suck at talking and its no one’s fault but my own. i know this#but it doesn’t make it hurt any less…ya know?#like. was there a reason u didnt tell me? did you think i wouldnt care? even though i begged you for hours not to leave and to keep yourlife#is that like…not worth a little acknowledgement when you leave and come back again? maybe thats a selfish thought#andidk maybe that mutual (diff) hates me but they are still my mutual but when i try to interact i just get ignored? its okay to hate me#i wouldnt judge them if they did. if i did something to upset or hurt them and thats why or just cause they find me annoying. thats fine/gen#but like…idk if you did why do you keep me?#am i irrelevant now? did i build everything up and now im just forgotten? but thats no ones fault but my own but also i cant help but want#to be remembered. to still be worth remembering. ya know?#vent#will delete later#just ugh#need to get shit off me and i dont wanna talk to people about it cause then it seems like i don’t appreciate the people i do have
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i cant even like post about the horrors that are going on currently because im gonna get too mad but oh my god. like i would give her really good credit for writing a character like marius that has 0 self awareness about his insanely disgusting behavior bc like. that CAN work. you can make the reader feel disgust and see things through the eyes of someone who is horrible while not romanticizing the behavior. clearly anne did not get the memo for this one.
#twist rambles#vc posting#like i get now why the blog i was going thru the liveblog of to decide if i wanted to commit to the bit was so so glad to be done w this#book bc this is like. i genuinely cannot express how mad i am reading this lmao. quite honestly i thought mer.rick was bad and thats nothin#compared to this. i know the next one will also be rough but oh my god. oh my god. why did i commit to this. i really may have to start my#silly notes project sooner > later because i need to actually enjoy something because like. i just. god. i cannot really clearly get into#why this pisses me off without going into insane (and prob triggering) depth w mar.ius as a character but like. my godddd oh we are in hell#like i remember when i was reading the wit.cher books i was like wow the SA is really excessive. dont like that and how it keeps happening#to minors. this book makes that seem like a cakewalk w nothing wrong. this makes tva which had like... i think 10 sex scenes before pg 100#and all of them were horrific to read seem like just fine and dandy. i need anne to explode#you can tell im suffering bc i weirdly dont like posting abt the positives bc these books DO have them dont get me wrong but i dont normall#have as much 2 say when im like oh this is fun im enjoying this. and i dont really want to get any of my mutuals into the books im gonna be#honest bc theyre bad. but you can tell when im posting a lot that im in the TRENCHES. which is why ive been posting a billion times today#abt this bc its like... interesting? but also i have a lot to say. and there just rly isnt much positive abt this book in particular#nor the last one to be fair but this is like easily the most miserable ive been. with tva i could at least go yeah maybe its just anne#trying to depict an absuive relationship w the rose tinted glasses that arm.and has bc of how long hes been abused. but w this its just lik#mar.ius being like yeah im such a good guy while hes going after like his 4th minor. im so sick of itttt im so sick of it.#good lord sorry my tags have been so long today but thats bc i think im done ranting in the main post and then get another thing im mad abt#that i need to add. like idk i think while these books infuriate me at points at least i have shit to say abt it yk#anyways good god. i have to wrap up this chapter.
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godddd i just have to make it to june. im not saying fucking off to another country mit die girlies will fix all my problems but by god it will fix SOMETHING if i have to force a toolbox in its damn hands
#my friend keeps saying when i go to it ill have a moment where i realized ive changed or smth and leave a changed man#hope he's right because if i keep being me at this rate maybe i will just end up dead#idk im just. trying to remember there is something there. it keeps going to the back of my mind#but i still need to double check stuff cause im so scared my booking or tickets will fuck up somehow#if it sounds like im gonna do smth im not im just so tired thinkimg of everything i cant fix until i have more money and stuff#and worrying if i do anything largely expensive i Need itll cut too much into the travel budget 😭#also my job is extremely understaffed right now and even though im still working part time it is still so grating#and making me remember how much i hate aspects of my job#i need to get out but i dont want to cold turkey my income
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🦋
#sometimes i get really sad about my life you know? like. really sad about it lmao. for various reasons.#like it would be really cool to be normal. very often i just wish i was normal lmao.#but then i remember meeting this guy while i was homeless&he had everything that i late 20s/early 30s college grad would want#stable&well paying job in the field he actually went to college for#rented part of a banging a duplex that had a yard allowed dogs&was a five minute walk from downtown bar crawl area#had both one of my fave motorcycles-- an r6--&one of my all time dream cars-- a 6speed cts-v.#i presume a dating life from the tampons that were in his bathroom.#&yet. he was miserable from what i could tell lmao. &it was weird bc it was like he didnt realize that#until he met us lmao. i would be more annoyed by that. i was v annoyed by it at the time lmao. the amount of weird jealousy i dealt w while#fucking homeless+sick is disgusting&ill never forgive fucking anyone for it&a part of me will always be dead+rotted bc of it lmao.#but for him it was different in the way of. i could kind of understand it lmao.#he had come from a rough background from what i understand&was a success story.#&yet he clearly felt trapped in his own life. clearly felt like he was surrounded by things he should be more grateful for while none of it#filled the hole in him ppl like him are PROMISED success will fill. being apart of the status quo but on the good end will alleviate.#he had been in one accident&never rode his bike again. when i asked why he lied&told me the bike was unrideable bc he didnt know me lmao#&when i asked if there had been any damage past the obvious dent in the gas tank he got red+quiet+changed the topic.#he worked at some big bank&didnt bother trying to brag bc the one thing he DID know about me is that i am v anti bank+leftist lmao.#he considered himself a leftist too until he talked to me&realized he was actually v centrist in basically every view he had#&that centrism came from a desire to keep his privileges as a cis white straight man-- something that made him openly embarassed.#he used to deal thru college&when i met him he couldnt keep up w one round of dabs w me something that also obviously embarassed him.#he had surrounded himself w ppl just like him&was jarred upon meeting anyone outside of that bubble who wasnt a far right asshole.#&he didnt like what he saw about himself. &that was really obvious.#when we left his place after the brief week we were staying there he was literally in tears about how much he wanted to come.#to help&see where we ended up or whatever idk lmao. i guess im still actively annoyed by it lmao.#but i still get it on some level. when you reach the top&realize youre not fucking happy where do you go from there?#will a house do it? will moving to a different location for your same bullshit job do it? will meeting a girl exactly like you do it?#&when i want to be normal so bad it physically hurts i remember him&i think maybe things arent so bad lmao.#like it could be worse i guess lmao.
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list
#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff#nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy#whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard#idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously#it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke#and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane#but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and#there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen#sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim#That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic#attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon#it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad#enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps#me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just#bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck#bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other#exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe#first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im#not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it#several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway#ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good#alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk#like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone#bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more#but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk#sui ment#<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know
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