#but drinking is such a huge reprieve from the bullshit that i can barely care

[angelstrawbabie420]

[btsangstisallicanwrite]

Happy Now?

Summary: You’re a rising singer, friends somehow with the seven members of BTS. Secretly more than friends with a one Jeon Jungkook, until your falling out before his tour sent you straight to the lyric notebook. Now your new EP is out, and everyone’s expecting your new single to be about the mysterious boy you loved but would never name. Yeah, the song’s about him. Yeah, you wouldn’t name him. But you’d sure as hell let everyone know how he hurt you, and no one’s prepared to hear that, especially not Jungkook. 

A/N: Hello ARMY, I’ve never published a BTS fic before so this is my first. I hope y’all like it!!

CWs: light mentions of weed, alcohol mentions, I think that’s it? Angsty angst. Also, the song used in this fic is Happy Now by Zedd and Elley Duhé, I do not own the song or rights, I just had this urge to write a fic to this song. 

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“Jungkook-ah, did you see, Y/N is releasing a new EP! You think it’s about you this time?” Hoseok waggled his eyebrows at an unsuspecting but unimpressed Jungkook. The truth is, the last EP was about him, but the public couldn’t know that. Y/N was a rising singer in the United States, and he was a famous idol in South Korea; the narrative just didn’t mesh. Besides, the world wasn’t ready for the Golden Maknae to be off the market. That being said, saying that your relationship together was purely work related or platonic like you did in the papers, that’s just not true either. But like you agreed, no one could know. Minus the boys, they kind of knew everything. 

Everything, minus the fact that he’d broken up with you (he used the words “take a break”) before their last tour. 

All the diving he’d do towards his phone, holding it away from the boys when they’d try to see, they all thought he was talking to you. He wished he was. The dives were driven by hope, the fact he realized he made a huge mistake by letting you go because of your “busy schedules;” you both knew it was bullshit but neither of you would say it. If anything, you both knew heartbreak sold records. 

Namjoon pats him on his shoulder, leaning in to show him a little bit of affection and reprieve from the laughs of his hyungs. “Aw, leave him be, I’m sure we’ll all find out tonight when she performs it at that event tonight, right, Kookie?”

Oh. Shit. He didn’t escape Yoongi’s concerned eye when he launched to grab his phone, checking the date. He looked down, a selfie y’all took on your last date lighting up his vision as he unlocked it. He should’ve remembered. He’d seen your tweets about it for the last few months, how you were so excited to perform at this show and that your new single was something your fanbase wouldn’t expect. Jungkook really didn’t know how to take that. He hadn’t tried contacting you (yet) but you hadn’t reached out to him, either, so it really couldn’t be that bad if it was about him, right? 

“Uh… yeah, I’m sure we will!” He gulped and nodded his head at Namjoon, who seemed to be fine with his response. Hoseok and Taehyung went about their business talking about whatever had their attention for the next ten minutes. Jimin and Seokjin were deep in debate, leaning over their cup noodles to bare teeth as an attempt to intimidate one another. Yoongi, on the other hand, was staring dead at Jungkook, still. He watched him as he walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink, leaning back in his chair as he watched Jungkook take it without a flinch. That was the glitch in the matrix Yoongi needed to prove something was awry, so he took a seat right across from Jungkook in the small booth on the bus. 

“Hyung, tell me why you just downed that shot like you’re ready to forget your name when you’re supposed to be happy about seeing Y/N tonight.” 

Jungkook gulped, swirling the last few drops left in his cup while trying to avoid eye contact with his hyung, “do me a favor and... make sure I’m doing okay tonight, will you?” 

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“Y/N! Are you ready for tonight?” Your best friend busted into your room as if your door was a figment of your imagination. This was her first fancy music festival, and your first performance at one, so it goes without saying that you were nervous. It wasn’t even that big of a show, it was almost like an exclusive concert style, with the low-watt blue lighting and only standing room in the audience for each performer. Normally, that’d ease your mind and your nerves, but not tonight. 

Only the record producers had heard the song you’re releasing tonight. You hadn’t told a soul... maybe one or two... about what really happened with Jungkook. You’d felt ashamed and stupid that you fell into one of those stupid fanfiction tropes, falling for a man that was well beyond your reach for anything more than a good fuck. Well, that’s a little harsh. It was almost like you had been dating, which is the funny thing about all your feelings. You’d sneak over to the apartment and watch movies with the boys in your pajamas. You spent your birthday with them playing drunken card games at your place because none of your friends were in the city and they didn’t want you to be alone. He did all the things boyfriends do, and as much as you wanted to hate him and talk mad shit, you couldn’t. You’d never believed in that “right person, wrong time” figure of speech until you walked out of their apartment that night, the night he broke your heart. 

“I can’t wait to hear some more sappy Jungkook shit,” your friend came up behind you as you sat at your vanity criticizing yourself and all your life decisions up to that point. “You might not even need blush tonight, babe, it’s already all over your face.” She squished your cheeks together before you had the opportunity to stop her, making you feel a little bit of something other than despair in your stomach. 

“You wanna take a hit before we start doing our makeup?”

“Say no more,” you said sadly, feeling the hit pull between your lips. You weren’t famous enough yet to have a makeup squad, so it was just you and your bff swapping brushes and blunts until you either looked good as fuck or didn’t care anymore. She rolled backwards onto your bed, looking for some shoes or something, and you stole another hit, hoping it’d give you the encouragement you needed to seemingly let everyone you loved down tonight. 

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All he wanted to do was get so drunk that he didn’t make it out the door. That’s really all he wanted, and he didn’t know why that was too much to ask. But alas, with the boys talking nonstop about what your new single could be about, and a concerned/slightly pissed Yoongi breathing down the back of his neck, Jungkook knew he’d have to suck it up and make it to the venue. 

It looked just like he remembered. Last time he was there, he’d been sneaking around with you in the dim purple lights. All the walls were painted black with thick velvet curtains draping from corner to corner on the stage. The boys came in through the back entrance as to avoid being seen (as much as they could) so they’d come in as the staff was setting up some of the props for the performances tonight. There was a singular barstool that sat just left of center stage and he grimaced. You’d been telling him that for your next album, you really wanted to focus on the acoustics and just sit on a stage, on “one of those really worn leather barstools,” he practically heard it in your voice. But maybe he was wrong, and the stool had nothing to do with you. It seems he’d just have to see; there’s nothing better in his mind to do than hide back here and hope he’d be ready to see you on that stage.

And just having to see, whether that stool was for you, whether he was even ready to see you, more and more things he wasn’t ready to think about, these were all things he’d (at least attempted to) make his peace with. That was on the premise of “for hours from now.” Hours from now was plenty of time, yeah? Hours from now was not right now, not standing right in front of him. He’d put his nose in his phone to check the time, when he didn’t check where he was going and ran straight into you. 

“Y/N… I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” He ran his hand through his hair and down along the length of this neck, trying to avoid eye contact so you couldn’t see how distraught he was. 

“Jungkook. You say you didn’t see me... but I believe,” you grabbed his phone and clicked the unlock button, illuminating the photo of the two of you together, “you saw me, right there.” You looked at him blankly as he managed to disguise his immediate sadness with a cough. He sincerely can’t tell if you’re playing around or if that sharpness in your voice wants to slice through him like he feels it does. 

“Y/N, can we talk? Please?”

He swears he almost saw you crack. Maybe you had, maybe he’s just wistfully hoping, but it seems he’d never know, because before you could get a word out, Jimin had flung himself on you. 

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“Y/N!! Oh, how we’ve missed you! Why haven’t you been around since we got back?” Jimin pouted as you leaned your head on his, still making direct eye contact with Jungkook. He’d almost made you break, and you’re sure he knew it. What surprised you more than that was that he hadn’t told any of the boys, or changed his wallpaper. Do you tell them before you perform and ruin this little dream scenario that Jungkook still apparently had them believing in? You took a second to rub your lips together, breaking your gaze at Jungkook to close your eyes and sigh. “I’ve just been working really hard on this EP, rehearsals and things,” you said and then sent out a soft chuckle “Not all of us have the rehearsal experience that y’all do.” 

“You’re a natural up there, Y/N, don’t stress about it.” Seokjin matched your laugh with a heartier one, wrapping his arm around your other shoulder. “You’re gonna go up there and show us something crazy, yah?” 

“Oh yeah,” you glance back up at Jungkook, whose gaze never left you. You watched it travel from your feet, up the rest of your body as you locked eyes, both wearing the same sad expression. Your breath was a little ragged, which didn’t help, as your silence sat in the air a little longer than you expected it to, “It’ll be something else, alright.” 

“Well, we have to go find good standing room since the show starts soon. We wouldn’t want to miss the exclusive look at your new single! Good luck, Y/N!” Namjoon nods at you with a smile. You return it, a nod to all the boys. Jungkook lingers, fighting with Yoongi to be the last in line. “Good luck, Y/N, I know you’ll do well.” He nods his head and scampers off behind his hyungs. You could’ve sworn you saw him look a little teary eyed as you made eye contact once the boys found a spot. He was leaning on the side of the stage, far too close for your comfort considering you’d be singing a song about how he broke your heart. At least he didn’t know that, yet. 

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“Jungkook, I need to tell you something.” 

Jungkook wanted to be told nothing. He wanted to hear nothing, he wanted to be nothing. He had glanced up at you once he found a comfortable spot off the side of the stage, and the look on your face told him that he should fully expect what’s coming. He’s not ready to hear it on his own, much less with the boys. At least Yoongi was going to look out for him. He turned to the aforementioned man, taking a shot off a tray floating around, and nodded. 

“I kind of have an idea of what’s about to happen.”

“How do you kn-- what do you think you know?” 

“Welcome to the show, are you all ready to hear Y/N’s new single?” The host of the show sauntered onto the stage, the glittery train of her dress almost distracting Jungkook from the absolute panic that invaded his body at the words of his hyung. “Well, you’re in luck, she’s our opening act for the night! Everyone welcome her to the stage, give it up for Y/N!”

You walked out on the stage in an outfit far different than the one he saw when he ran into you. You seemed a little flustered, almost, sad but confident as you grabbed the microphone and introduced yourself. You scanned the crowd, eyes landing on the boys. Taehyung and Jimin were screaming so loud that it looked like you might have almost forgotten about Jungkook completely, until your eyes met his. 

“I had a whole speech… this whole plan, this whole other outfit I had on backstage and I was ready to show y’all the happy, go-lucky version of this song, because that’s what I’d originally made it for. But, I’m gonna need y’all to bare with me, because… because I can’t sell that to you right now when I can’t feel it.” You’d started to walk off stage, immediately taking the crowd by surprise. 

“Listen Jungkook, I’ve seen the song she’s about to sing--”

“You WHAT?” He didn’t believe what he’d just heard. He knew Yoongi said it, but he guessed he needed to add that to the list of things he hadn’t (or rather, couldn’t) make peace with. “Before I ask why or how you’ve heard it, does she--”

“See, that’s the thing,” Yoongi looked up to you and then back to him. “I know what she tells me, and I know what the song says. I know you still love her.” Jungkook exhaled with such a force that Namjoon made a pointed glance his way. He looked up at Yoongi, expecting to see something, anything other than the piercing gaze he was met with. “I know she still… feels some way about you, Jungkook.”

‘Feels some way about you’ rung in his ears even harder than his eardrums had been doing so before. He immediately looked around and grabbed a shot off the nearest tray and downed it. He looked back over with tears fully in his eyes (not like earlier, those weren’t full tears, right?). Yoongi seemed like he was trying to be delicate with him, but he was getting fed up with Jungkook, and they were now both aware of it. 

“Jungkook!” Yoongi whisper shouted, “she’s not ready to talk to you, not until you hear what she has to say. Quit taking those shots and hear her out.” 

“What do I do, how long have you--” 

C L U N K 

He barely heard the loud wooden thud over his own heartbeat, but it was enough to distract him and Yoongi. He looked up to the stage and saw you dragging out that leather wooden stool, and he knew he was in for a night. 

“Sorry… sorry that was so loud y’all.” He watched you take the deepest of breaths, hands shaking as you held onto the microphone and sat on the stool. “I’m gonna just go off-script here, is that okay?” The crowd cheered, creating a small smile on your face. “I don’t want to say I knew this would happen, but my loving team and my ghost producer backed me up when I wanted to record a second version of this song. They’ll play the upbeat one later, once we’ve all had some drinks in our system, yeah?” The crowd cheered again, whereas Jungkook could only gulp.

“Yoongi, did you--”

“She asked me to ghost produce this EP before we left on tour, Kook.”

“She… she what? How long have you-- what do I do?” He was full-on in tears at this point, doing a decent job at hiding it from the other members, but Yoongi saw right through his “I wear leather coats and am a Virgo so I can’t cry” facade that he tried to put up whenever he got sad. He pulled Jungkook into a tight side embrace, right as you looked down at the two of them. 

“I know I’ll need it,” you mumbled, “so here we go, hope y’all like it.” 

“You’re a world away, somewhere in the crowd. In a foreign place… are you happy now? There’s nothing left to say, so I shut my mouth. So won’t you tell me, babe, are you happy now?”

“Shit. Hyung…” 

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“You’re the only one who can up and run, leave me just as empty as the day you came. And you hold all the cards, all the broken hearts, strung over your shoulder ���til it’s all in vain. And only you know the strength in your teeth, the wash in the weight of your pockets so deep… and lonely.” 

You’d made a list, made a plan. You weren’t going to look at any of the boys. Your subconscious was screaming “LOOK ANYWHERE BUT THE BOYS.” But you mentioned you were already off-script. Knowing that, your eyes couldn’t help themselves. 

“In the palm of your hands, you can make me dance, spin me around in circles until I’m wrapped in string.”

It doesn’t seem like they’ve processed it yet. You scan the line, seeing scrunched brows and confusion in a continuous line as if you’d written it across their faces yourself. Namjoon looked concerned. Seokjin had a face of granite; for once, you couldn’t read his face. Taehyung and Jimin were staring, eyes wide, and you couldn’t help but try to smile.

“You keep on talking sweet”

Hoseok had his hand reaching for Seokjin, eyes locked with yours. It’s not often that Mr. Sunshine himself can’t bring you joy.

 “‘til your fingers bleed,”

Yoongi had the face you expected him to have. You could see he was proud. He was seemingly less confused, but still looked hurt. You’d understand if it had to do with you, but you’re hoping it’s because of the man next to him, whom even thinking about made you growl through your next lyric.

“but don’t you dare ask me how I’ve been.”

After that, you really shouldn’t want to look. It might make it obvious, blow your whole relationship (or crumbled lack thereof) into the public eye. But the shouldn’ts are falling by the wayside as the crowd cheered on your emotive tone. Maybe it was a little harsh. You shake your head and blink out some tears. You’ve got to stop telling yourself you’re being too harsh. He broke your heart, didn’t bother to call, and had the gall to wish you good luck? He deserves to know how it feels. 

“Now only you know the strength of your teeth, the wash in the weight of your pockets so deep... and lonely! You’re a world away, somewhere in the crowd. In a foreign place, are you happy now? There’s nothing left to say, so I shut my mouth...”

You’ve managed to avoid it, and you can see it on the members’ faces that they’re catching on. Namjoon, Seokjin, Taehyung, Jimin, Hoseok, Yoongi.

“So won’t you tell me, babe…”

Shit. Here we go. The voice has cracked, the tears are OUT. You wipe your tears and hold your sleeve to the side of your face, making eye contact with the last member, the one you love the most.

“are you happy now?”