#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen
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i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list
#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff#nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy#whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard#idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously#it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke#and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane#but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and#there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen#sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim#That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic#attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon#it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad#enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps#me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just#bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck#bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other#exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe#first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im#not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it#several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway#ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good#alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk#like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone#bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more#but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk#sui ment#<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know
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they havent gotten divorced yet but im kinda concerned abt my mom bc my father has never let her get a job for longer than a year and hes basically the bread maker of the fam bc of that idk whatll happen w her she is gonna manage it ik that but umm idk i dont want to be seperated frm her till she is getting her life together yk i might hv 2 live w my grandparents and all ugh i dont knwi whats happenjng
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mostly i feel like garbage bc owning my own house is good and i Should feel happy but im just back to feeling trapped and now i Know theres no way out. im stuck w my parents until they (or i) die and then if theyre out before me idk whatll happen to me bc god knows if ill ever be able to go finish college n get a job that pays a living wage. like ik in the meantime i can probably find a way arnd bullshit bc ive survived at least this long w hardly anyone helping me/stepping in on my behalf/rly giving a shit abt me at all but Man when that mental crisis hits it hits Hard
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lady gaga was so good!! she was super close to us :0 also i saw SO many cute boys dvndjvnf i am so fucking gay. the thought of coming out is rlly stressing me out bc im not entirely sure what im going to tell my mom abt my name and such? i just dont wanna fuck anything up u know. not sure i could handle tht. im doing alright, and im rlly hoping u have more good days than bad and u get to talk to ur fp tons!!! ily 💘 -ev
(sorry this is so late i was gonna reply earlier but the school production Happened rhjfnf) ah im glad!! honestly concerts are the best places to see/meet cute gays lmao,, and ik what you mean im still v much closeted to my parents n i dont wanna mess anything up? but ig as long as its not hurting you too much then do whatll keep you safe n comfortable 💜💜 and tysm!! trvhd ily im glad youre doing alright
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