#i just need to sleep for a week /j
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hey guys, i'm gonna still try to post art and do streams, but other than that i'm gonna be offline for a little while
not super long, maybe a week? i'm just a little mentally and physically burnt out (forever haunted by insomnia O-O), and might be a little sick. nothing too big, just a possible ear infection, but i honest to god haven't even realized my ears have been hurting XD i started getting waves of slight dizziness and tunnel hearing today and it sort of brought it to my attention that "hey anon, this might be more than just be allergies 👀" (this is, in fact, a regular occurrence with me and my ear infections. i hardly register that they hurt and its more other symptoms that make me catch them. i may be a bit personally stupid lol 😅) anyway, i think my body's been trying to fight that off without me noticing, so between that and insomnia and the physical labor that is holding my job, i have worn myself out a lot physically, and its starting to reflect mentally (especially with everything going on, locally and around the world which i do have posts i have read and am going to share once i get back). so ill be taking a bit of time to rest and beat back the horrible mental creatures in my brain before i can pop back up here and hopefully start giving 100% again. or at least, like, 75%.
thanks for being patient with me 💖💖💖 you guys are super cool. keep an eye out for art and stream posts, cause i still wanna try to do those if i can, and if you wanna help me out while i'm resting, just sharing my art around is enough 💖
you guys all rock 💖💖💖💖
#i am#so tired#this is a level of tired i dont think ive physically carried around in years#which i mean#coincidentally my iron immune system has held up for about the same amount of time (not counting colds or stomach bugs) so i mean XD#fr we literally are having to figure out what doctor i need to go to cause its been that long since ive been sick. i have to switch doctors#✨adulting✨#but ill be fiiiiineeeee we'll get it all fixed up and goood#i just need to sleep for a week /j#anon speaks#tw sickness#tw sick mention#tw ear infection#anon rambles in the tags
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I’d just like to say I think ur very cool mushroom. you seem like you’re going through a lot of things a lot of the time, and I think you deserve to have things at least a little easier. your art is wonderful and it makes me very happy to see you on my dash. hope you’re doing alright. <3
Cries. Thank you <3<3<3<3
(also I’m laughing you’re kinda right why am I literally always going through something lmfao 😭 I need a nap man)
#My friend is being worse than usual and kinda genuinely scared me (so I went crying to one of my mutuals about it lol)#I got two hours of sleep last night#I have an insane amount of homework (there’s gotta be some sort of child labor law that makes this illegal /j)#My uncle just died#My mom was mad at me last night (ow)#my dad was mad at me this morning#And I’m somehow still sick (it’s been over a WEEK)#I need a vacation lmfao#😭😭😭#im fine tho dw lol#Just being dramatic#Never been better actually /j#I do have a really good life I just like whining about all the bad stuff lol#Ignore me
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#waiting to start not one but TWO immunosupressants and knowing exactly what date it's going to happen is so weird#because there's a deadline on your immune system now#and i spend most of the time not really thinking about it and then out of nowhere I'll be like#oh yeah#in just under two weeks I won't have my good immune system anymore#i wont be able to rely on it as i always have because it won't be there#and i know Exactly when it's going to happen#it's. in all honestly it feels bizarrely like being at the vets when sobi was put to sleep#it was the right thing to do it was the right time to so it and i knew it was coming#we need to do this so my immune system doesn't keep eating my intestines in its fervour#it's the right thing to do it's the right time to do it it's needed and necessary but I'm grieving all the same#yes okay maybe it's stupid to equate starting immunosuppressants with my pet dying#maybe im being overdramatic about all this#ive had people tell me it probably wont be that bad it'll probably just give me a normal system j shoudl stop stressing about all this#i should stop feeling so sad about all this#and that doesn't help one fucking bit#i do feel sad about this. i feel very sad about this. i am experiencing grief about this#dont tell me to make my emotions smaller#the nurse said i would could as high risk. that i will need to avoid people who even just have colds#this is not a small change. this is me losing something i have relied on for my entire life#something i have taken a stupid pride in for my entire life#and it feels just like being at the vets. gently stroking sobi's head as he died#putting him to sleep. putting my immune system to sleep. telling it did well#it'll come back one day i know (i hope) but for now it has a deadline#crunchy rambles
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fighting demons to not have the most public breakdown rght now
#im so fucking close to just blocking them and then not talking to anyone else for weeks or months or idfk idfk i have got to kms#i hate my life oh my god im gonna throw up im genuinely gonna be sick i cant do this i need to disappear from the face of the world for a#couple days or something#im literally shaking lol#i dont even wanna do shit anymore i just wanna sleep forever and not have to talk to anyone ever again#this is what i get for letting myself get close to people and giving second chances#i wish theyd just get rid of me once they get bored of me instead of keeping me around#cant even talk about it to anyone cuz theyre gonna think im fucking crazyyy wooo#im gonna start bawling why am j always bawling over the same mf
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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This may be a late revelation but
Stan is a con man
And whats a greater con then letting everyone assume you're the dumb twin?
What better way to get peoples guard down then to act too dumb to be a threat?
But on the other hand
What about when the conman falls for his own con?
#gravity falls#j says stuff#I don't know if this makes any sense#brain just spat this out-#but like#By the time show canon happens#there is no way Stan isn't at -least- on par with Ford in terms of being smart#he rebuilt the portal with only ONE of the THREE journals needed!#and he barely had that journal for like#more than a few weeks-#on top of that he runs a successful tourist traps#makes enough money to support his twin niblings for the summer#all while running on very little sleep and to everyone else#he's just boring morally grey grunkle stan#idk I'm just having Stan thoughts-
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it fucking happened againnnn im about to anesthetize myself. iv supplies near me
#im not taking the meds today i cant. i need to sleep. i need one night of sleep just one fuckinf night just one night just one night j#i fell asleep at 3. woke up at 8. its 12 now i have been laying here trying to fall back asleep for hours. listening to tv#i know 5 hours is like not as bad as it could be but its been 2 weeks of 5 hours a night. it takes a toll eventually#i learned at some point that i need 8 hours. its non negotiable. i become wildly and quickly overstimulated & overwhelmed otherwise#mia.txt
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Roughly once every four years I ponder the alternate timeline where I didn't get scared and quit college rugby after a single practice
#everyone was cool i was just intimidated coming from softball and karate into a full-contact team sport#after one practice i was like 'this is not for me' and didn't go back#and i do feel this way during most olympics. but especially after watching a bunch of women's rugby yesterday and today lol#maybe this'll be the year i finally get buff. im realizing that i really need to get regular exercise so im looking for stuff to do#I've enjoyed softball a lot this year and last but it's only in the spring/summer (our season just ended)#i wasn't really able to play last fall bc my work schedule gets crazy in sep/oct and i work some weekends#gyms are so fucking expensive and i really prefer having a structured activity to just free workout time#i've tried a couple of apps (just started using a new one that seems promising) but i can never stick to them as well as a team or class#i gotta figure out what sports run in the winter and where the chiller recreational teams are#i do feel like i lucked out with my softball league. it's not so casual that it's a boozefest but not so competitive that it becomes unfun#some of my softball teammates have talked about doing basketball together and like.#im a good sport im willing to try most things despite being fat and slow but i am Extremely not built for basketball lmao#idk idk. i just turned 30 last week and have started having trouble sleeping in the last few months#regular moderate exercise will not solve all my problems but it will probably help#j rambles
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#Might watch Bourne Legacy tonight just because I need comfort movie now#But in a “now please” type of way#Does that mean I'm sacrificing my sleep for movie?#Yes.#Am I upset that it has to be a war of priorities?#Yes again.#WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN#WILL J BEAT THE TEMPTATION OR WILL SHE SLEEP SO WELL AND HOPEFULLY THE BURNOUT WITH BE MORE OF A SMILEOUT#I'm not coherent#I shouldn't be posting this lol#Oh I think I'm just itching to journal since I have been too lazy to do that in the last 2 weeks#I'll go do that now.#Everyone pray that I don't forget 🙏#Many hugs#Bye bye now
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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Y’ALL I KNOW I KNOW
Believe me I’m dying to get back here and lose my shit with all of you. I’ll be able to very soon. 💜
#Hobi is my whole world rn#If only y’all could see me this last week#Jimin Tiffany Hobi and J Fucking Cole#SM and Hybe lmaoo#I just need to deal with this over allotment and I’ll be able to be back here pls be patient#I’ve had zero sleep in almost 48 hrs pls#I’m not ignoring y’all but yes I see it all and I’m coming in a bit#💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
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Sometimes, I forget how much grief comes from leaving those you love
#i move in two weeks#and my chest aches from the realisation that im leaving my family. my friends. my support group for another city#and sometimes i feel like im lying to myself#pretending that im fine with it#but im jumping into completely unknown territory and it scares the livjng daylights out of me#and I know part of why im feeling it so viscerally is im hungover and sleep deprived#but i saw most of my friends last night and my best friend lit up when i walked through the door#because she didnt think id be coming and it aches knowing that itll be a long time before j see her again when i move#that i will have to build a new support network and life#and im scared#and im tired#and im a but sad#and i think i just need to acknowledge that
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#and my hands hurt so damn bad#the middle finger on my right hand is. not sliding back in the socket. and ive tried everything. i cant put any#pressure on it reallt without feeling like its going to snap out of the joint. and the rest of my fingers hurt rly bad too and my wrist#my left hand is fucked too but not as bad#i hate this#i think all the lack of sleep and psychosocial stress and idk trauma bullshit again and. oops i did relapse into#bulimia there for like a week. its just fucked up my entire body and nervous system again#j havent been in this much full body pain in awhile#i think i need to get back on meds :/ not fond of bejng on two meds at once or any frankly but.#i need to calm down my nervous system before this shit just keeps getting worse and worse. again
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comin in ere just rq to say tldr (final. real.) fuuta !! i want him to be voted innocent/forgiven bcs i hope he can. make peace with himself. i think he's truly a good guy at heart even if that doesn't excuse all that he did (i think he's. some sort of victim too and he deserved better. by this i mean like w his friends?? some sort of pressure and all. also the fact all the blame got put onto him which sucks but also with context, if that context is right, is rather deserved ngl. also i'm worried if he gets voted guilty bcs something bad will def happen)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#being a twitter user and chronically online did this to him /j#joking bcs yeah a bit of that maybe but i think the guy is kinda lonely. like. friends but there's the pressure from them too and all#yeah my thoughts are clearer now (phew!) i think i think too hard and too much but thinking so much was fun tbh#now i'm chill (listening to haruka's song on repeat as i try to do homework. keyword try)#he/milgram/viewers/es. the 'same'. and. agh. it is just so interesting and so so amazing to me (wow!)#but now i will try to chill (keyword try. it is 1 am i really should do my homework i hate chem)#i have more hw for the week still and then next week... i'll try to do my best and hopefully not get distracted#it's still kinda complicated bcs i want to vote 'what would be best overall' but yeah forgiving him aligns with that i think#as well as my own personal beliefs. so yeah#huh. i think i just thought way too much and confused myself (happens often bcs i try to understand all sides. oops!)#i like fuuta a lot. he reminds me of himself and that's another reason why i think forgiving him this time is for the best#and then ultimately forgiving him as well. but imo guilty first trial actually makes sense even if... at the same time idk#it kinda broke him uhh. made him unstable and all. yk the drama audio yeah. but it helped in making his beliefs better and all#i think milgram makes my brain go into overdrive. maybe even a bit too much#didn't realize how much time passed and i was just thinking and talking about milgram goddamn#hi more thoughts but yeah... he feels regret and i think hes starting to feel guilty. maybe? im not sure my head is sort of a mess again#maybe i just need to sleep. it is 5 am now. hmmm. but yeah hes definitely changed#he's heading towards improvment <3 !! fuuta innocent so true please#im still confused about whether the whole. Guilt thing#sometimes i forget what some words mean or use them as synonyms oops (metavoting and guilt oops!)
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I am having the WORST time of my fucking life rn
#thoughts bad because i cant sleep but i cant sleep cause my thoughts are bad#im so tired and so anxious and so miserable#i just wanna fucking sleep so bad#but j cant#and its now 3am AGAIN#i was supposed to make myself sleep at 10#i WAS falling asleep at 8 but i told myself it was to early still#i shoukdve just slept then#its so fucked up#what if i only sleep 3 hours again#what if i start sleeping during all the daylight hours#i have THINGS i need to be doing#stuff happenjng during the day#i cant be sleeping like this#and the most fucked up thing is that i cant even do anything about these thoughts but think them#i cant do anything to resolve my fears#because i need to talk things out with my bf but hes not even in the fucking city rn#so the best i can do it be like when you get back NEXT WEEK i need to talk to you#and then sit with that feel miserable because i cant actually DO anything#i need to talk about this stuff so fucking bad but the only way to resolve it is to talk to him#and i want to do it in person because ljke its a really emotional thing and i need to be THERE#so ive just been fucked UP fr#and because im so tired all my anxieties just get 100000x worse#so im too scred to sleep#i have to either be so exhausted i cannot stay awake anymore or focused kn something JUST calm enough that im not engaged in it really BUT#also not thinking about any of my fears and worries#which is so fucking hard to pull off
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in my macro freak era & constantly torn between “i don’t have caffeine after noon!/try not to have after 10am!” and wanting to drown in celsius/gfuel every day for the appetite suppressant
#(gripping my leg violently) just because you lost 30lbs in two weeks once by grossly overconsuming caffeine doesn’t mean it’s sustainable. j#sleep is so so so important for weight loss & im not in a super harsh deficit just yet#(i’m working my way down slowly (hard limit 2k -> 1.5k -> currently like 1.3k w/ strength training & cardio)#and it def feels more sustainable than how i’ve approached this in the past (see above)#and Shocker! I have Energy!) but results being /so/ much slower is a little sad#and cutting down on caffeine throughout the day means you have to eat more consistently throughout the day#for energy n whatnot#but tbh that’s not really a bad thing? bc eating Nothing kills your metabolism#Bad! Stunts progress!#but Augh it’s a hard hurtle to get over sometimes#and Also because of this i don’t think i can really get away with under 1250ish a day without being literally bedridden#(i have. some kind of problem & experience some level of chronic fatigue :/ )#which is why i’m kinda focusing on working out as well#i don’t rlly wanna be muscle-y at all but more muscle mass = easier to burn calories/fat. fun fact!#so like. means to an end ig#sigh#i do miss early afternoon caffeine sometimes but i’ve def gotten to a point where i don’t usually feel like i need it#i drink a cup of black coffee & green tea in the morning and eat a few eggs n im good to go#anyway. hi chat#pro for me not for thee#not ed sheeran#notpro
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