#which is so fucking hard to pull off
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I am having the WORST time of my fucking life rn
#thoughts bad because i cant sleep but i cant sleep cause my thoughts are bad#im so tired and so anxious and so miserable#i just wanna fucking sleep so bad#but j cant#and its now 3am AGAIN#i was supposed to make myself sleep at 10#i WAS falling asleep at 8 but i told myself it was to early still#i shoukdve just slept then#its so fucked up#what if i only sleep 3 hours again#what if i start sleeping during all the daylight hours#i have THINGS i need to be doing#stuff happenjng during the day#i cant be sleeping like this#and the most fucked up thing is that i cant even do anything about these thoughts but think them#i cant do anything to resolve my fears#because i need to talk things out with my bf but hes not even in the fucking city rn#so the best i can do it be like when you get back NEXT WEEK i need to talk to you#and then sit with that feel miserable because i cant actually DO anything#i need to talk about this stuff so fucking bad but the only way to resolve it is to talk to him#and i want to do it in person because ljke its a really emotional thing and i need to be THERE#so ive just been fucked UP fr#and because im so tired all my anxieties just get 100000x worse#so im too scred to sleep#i have to either be so exhausted i cannot stay awake anymore or focused kn something JUST calm enough that im not engaged in it really BUT#also not thinking about any of my fears and worries#which is so fucking hard to pull off
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how is sex work perceived and treated - spiritually, legally, morally - in broad areas relevant to the white calf core cast? imperial wardi, the hills etc
Sex work is EXTREMELY stigmatized in Imperial Wardin, yet generally regarded as an element of society and a necessary function, not one to be eliminated. You'll occasionally find fringe groups decrying the presence of brothels as polluting elements upon cities, but they are minority figures- sex work is legal, generally accepted, and very common.
There are some exceptions- in most of the city-states, only sex work out of registered brothels is considered fully legal (independent sex workers are breaking the law in most city-states, though how much these laws are enforced varies heavily). All legally operating brothels must be officially registered, and are heavily taxed.
Prostitution of children is illegal, and this is one of VERY few protections for sex workers that is strongly enforced. But it should be clear that the societal definition of a child here does not match the contemporary- a person is generally considered an adult woman upon menarche (which is later on average due to poorer nutrition, but is still going to include a lot of like, 14 year olds). Boys are considered adults at the age of 16.
Forced prostitution is also illegal on paper, but this is poorly enforced. Even when not Outright forced, many sex workers are working as indentured laborers, or under prohibitive conditions where they have very little freedom of movement or legal ability to leave during the duration of their contracts.
Sex workers are an incredibly vulnerable, stigmatized social minority that have very few protections and are often subject to abuse.
The stigma against sex work surrounds the sex workers themselves. This is culturally justified and partly rooted in aspects of broader body taboo- receiving penetration = metaphysical vulnerability = openness to spiritual pollution, and they are considered to be heavily polluted by their line of work (regardless of whether or not a given person actually is receiving penetration on a regular basis- male sex workers who primarily have women as clients receive much the same treatment, the stigma here is fundamentally a form of bigotry, not something with a consistent internal logic).
In addition to concerns around penetration, the act of '''selling''' the body itself is seen as a polluting devaluation of the sacred body and using it to extreme excess. Sexuality and libido is societally valued, but in a framework of moderation- sex workers are seen as wildly out of moderation and are often ascribed qualities of an excessive libido by virtue of their line of work.
Sex workers are prohibited from entering most temples and participating in many public rites, justified in their ‘polluted’ status, under the assumption that it will de-purify the place and sully most rites. This serves to keep them isolated from key facets of social life and culture, and can leave many spiritually ostracized (most sex workers from within this cultural sphere are also going to believe in notions that they are spiritually polluted, with limited outlets to cleanse themselves).
There is one folk tradition that has developed to assuage some of these fears and the sense of isolation- an epithet to the Face Ganmache that translates literally to 'Mother of Whores' (a rather strong name that reclaims degrading slang in the original language as well), which watches over sex workers and their labors. This is wholly a folk tradition and not part of core dogma, and priests are self-appointed, mostly elderly former sex workers. They provide rites of purification and blessings for those denied access to temples, sometimes train themselves as midwives to assist in births (or abortions), and will help ensure deceased workers get proper funeral rites.
Generally, the concept of something being spiritually polluted translates to full avoidance of the person/place/thing involved, but these concerns are rarely applied to the Hiring of sex workers (ie they are spiritually polluted and highly impure and shouldn't enter temples but you, the client, are not affected by contact). While some people will try to provide logical explanations for why hiring a sex worker is not polluting, this does not have any true underlying logic and is a product of a society that both reviles sex workers and desires their labor.
They are generally expected to visually identify themselves as sex workers at all times- the exact details vary by city-state, but wearing hair unbraided and an uncovered head in public is most common (particularly in the west of the region).
Male sex workers are denied certain rights otherwise available by default to men (self-legal representation, ability to own land that is not gifted, etc). Female sex workers do not have these rights to begin with, and have even more difficulty than other women in finding legal representation, given that they situationally rarely have fathers/husbands/male family members willing to support them.
Because of their inability to represent themselves in court and the difficulty in finding representation, they often have little to no recourse against abuse or violations of their contracts. There are some lawyers who specialize in representing sex workers (fewer still who do this entirely out of benevolence for a vulnerable social class), but they are few and far between.
The majority of sex work is marketed towards male clients, and the majority of sex workers are women. Male sex workers are mostly young men who serve male clients, and will usually keep themselves beardless and not overtly masculine (while not distinctly effeminate either) to remain desirable targets for the sexual outlet of most men. (There is no concept of sexuality in this culture- if you are a man, you are a penetrative partner in sex and the gender of the receiving partner is of little concern. Younger men beneath you in social stature (in practice, these are almost always sex workers) are considered appropriate targets of male desire, and as such you have some men who would be considered heterosexual by contemporary standards having sex with other men). Male workers who primarily serve female clients tend to vary more in age and have less social restrictions on their appearance or masculine presentation.
Eunuch sex workers usually serve male clients, and are regarded as appropriate targets of male attraction regardless of their age (largely as they are seen as entirely incapable of performing penetrative roles, and conceptualized as de-gendered). Akoshos (those designated male who perform women's gender roles) sex workers are seen as uniquely predisposed to serve both male and female clients, as their gendered space is broadly conceptualized as dual-gendered (being physically capable of performing 'male' penetrative roles while living under women's social roles)
Hiring of sex workers is not considered infidelity and is entirely permissible to do while married, though women are often heavily discouraged from doing so (largely out of concerns of pregnancy, partly out of patriarchal control over women's sexual behavior). A woman who pays for sex work receives more scrutiny than is applied to men. It is not outright inappropriate, but can be considered indicative of an excessive libido or overmasculinization. Women are imagined as having naturally lower libidos than men, so behaviors that challenge this notion tend to be be noted.
The only circumstances in which hiring sex workers as a man attracts scrutiny is when it is deemed excessive, symptomatic of an uncontrolled libido. Men who hire male sex workers closer to their age and/or bearded will also attract scrutiny- while not outright Condemned, it's suspiciously out of the acceptable range for male desire (though will most often similarly be interpreted as an excessive, uncontrolled libido, ie you'll just fuck anything with a hole). Receiving penetration from a sex worker as a man is wholly condemned, as is seen as UNIQUELY violating, not only a severe deviance from male social roles, but at the hands of a stigmatized, polluted figure that is at the absolute bottom of the social ladder. This usually happens in secret and often involves paying the worker off for their silence.
The one major exception to stigma against sex workers is in the lemna courtesan tradition. Lemna are mostly unmarried women and/or akoshos who are very skilled trained performers who work as entertainers for wealthy clients. Their services are not sexual in nature, rather they sing, dance, act, play music, and recite poetry, and are skilled conversationalists that provide company for clients. Lemna usually operate out of elite brothels, but as separate services to the sex workers, and are in theory never available for sex work. Lemna providing sex work sometimes (though not frequently) occurs in practice, but it is always be presented as something they have not been Paid to do- their payment was for entertainment, and they will present it as a (almost always purely fantastical) situation that they have grown attracted to their client and are engaging in a romantic tryst.
Lemna courtesanship is long-established and a valued part of this culture's art and theater traditions, and they do not face the same stigma as sex workers, rather being seen as an elite class of performers. They do not exactly have a High place in society either (as unmarried civilian women and/or akoshos, they are notably lacking in social power), but the regard towards them is overall positive. The exemption to this stigma partially lies within the framework of body taboo (they do not explicitly 'sell' their bodies or directly engage in sex work), but is largely rooted in the esteem of their tradition rather than any coherent logic.
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Sex work has a much less significant, less complicated, and less intensely stigmatized place in the highlands, mostly due to its reduced presence. Most people are living in relatively small agricultural villages, or transiently as herders, so there are fewer opportunities for sex workers to operate on regular and official levels. The only places you can reliably find sex workers within the highlands are in small quasi-towns that crop up around land trade routes, or occasionally as traveling traders (usually offering material goods in addition to sex work services).
There’s also no intra-highlands currency system, so sex workers will usually be paid in goods, which in turn influences the cultural lens on sex work. Goods have direct, immediate utilitarian value that currency does not, and paying goods for service is most pragmatically done as a means of material practicality- forming alliances, acquiring farmhands, receiving the defensive or offensive service of warriors, etc, not for temporary gratification.
The fact that this cultural sphere is fairly egalitarian in terms of gender (though it has strongly enforced, separate gender roles for married men and women) also contributes to the comparative lack of stigma- part of the Imperial Wardi stigma against sex work is interwoven with misogyny (with women sex workers being the most degraded extent of femininity, and male sex workers taking on inappropriate, degraded feminine roles in providing sexual services). Women have equal overall societal power to men in the Hill Tribes cultural sphere, and things associated with femininity are not Themselves degrading (men seen as feminine are not shamed for femininity itself, rather in their specific failure to perform male gender roles- the distinction can be subtle but is very significant to how gender roles are approached).
Casual sex between unmarried men and women is fully accepted, somewhat seen as a hallmark of youth. However, married couples are expected to remain exclusively faithful to one another. This also goes a ways to discourage hiring of sex workers, which would be accepted grounds for a divorce and a mark of shame on the person who strayed.
While not excessively stigmatized, the views on sex work here is nowhere near Enlightened And Supportive either, it’s still seen as a highly degrading, unfortunate line of work. Sex workers are usually going to be unmarried women of marriageable age who could not (or would not) acquire a husband for one reason or another. They are women who failed in expected roles of marriage and becoming the manager of a family’s home and property, and have not even taken an esteemed, productive role for spinsters (usually physical labor in herding, farming, raiding) in favor of one that is considered ‘selling’ one’s body to provide useless, base services to desperate men. It's something that will usually be looked at as sad and unfortunate at best, or an absurd dereliction of duty at worst.
Male sex workers are virtually unheard of (within the highlands at least, there's cultural stereotypes of Wardi men being effeminate and predisposed to sex with men, so of course THEY'VE got male sex workers all over the fucking place), and the concept of a man operating as a sex worker would just seem absurd to most.
But the levels of social shame surrounding sex work are actually higher for the client in this cultural context- it’s suggestive that you either cannot afford to get a wife/do not have the requisite masculine skillset to be a husband, or otherwise that you’re so utterly incapable of getting laid that you have to go to great effort and barter for sex, a petty expense of valuable goods. It's both a foolish waste and in many ways a failure of expected male gender roles. Most men who hire the services of sex workers will keep it on the down low, or (if living near the borders) commute to Wardi towns or tradeways for access. It’s seen as an act of desperation, foolish, emasculating, and will generally be mocked and shamed.
I actually have a framework of a folktale that kind of demonstrates the cultural lens pre-established (no names for the characters or clans involved, it's supposed to be of the far northern Bict-Braíghnnas tribe). I'll put it under the cut:
One of the folktales describes a young woman who was strikingly beautiful and exceedingly clever. She was of the Bict-Braíghnnas, the lone daughter of a very small, very poor clan, consisting only of her immediate family and a few cousins. Her father had died young, and her younger brothers and cousins were malnourished and inexperienced, and could do little to protect or grow their meager herd of horses (they certainly could not afford cattle). She had to take on the role of the provider for herself and remained unmarried long past marriageable age, living day by day doing whatever she could to scrape by and keep her family afloat.
She became aware that the patriarch of her ruling clan had an eye for her, and he began approaching her in hopes of soliciting sex. At first, she always brushed him off. She found him repulsive, as he was foolish and greedy and rather ugly. But she started to see an opportunity in all this. It was a humiliating opportunity, but one she was willing to take.
The next time he approached, she pretended to consider his advances, but only if he should provide payment in turn- if she was as beautiful as he kept saying, and he was as wealthy as he kept bragging, wouldn't it be worth the price? He first offered her a sack of barley, but she laughed him off. He then offered her fine clothes, but she feigned insult, was she not already beautiful even in poor, worn rags? He then offered her a breeding pair of pheasants, and she pushed aside her shawl to expose her breasts, and sweetly asked if he Really could not do better, wealthy in cattle as he was. The man was now, quite clearly, hard in his trousers.
He finally relented to an obscene payment- he would go under his wife (the owner of his cattle)'s nose and give her an adult cow, in payment for having sex with him just once. This is a high price to pay, but she was gorgeous and he was rich in cattle and could afford to lose one (or two. or five. Maybe more.). She accepted his offer and had sex with him, and came away with her very first cow.
(Some tellings of this story go on a tangent here where she sneaks the cow right back into the man's fields under cover of darkness, to breed it with one of his bulls and begin forming her own herd)
Over the next several months, he started regularly approaching her for sex in exchange for cattle, until he had to start coming up with explanations to his wife as to where the missing cattle had gone- he first claimed they were given as gifts, then that some were stolen, inventing wild stories of great raids and declaring open conflict with the greatest rival to his clan, all as means of masking his dalliances. This skirmishing came at great cost to his own clan, but he was too foolish and weak-willed to stop.
The woman was meanwhile using her newfound and growing wealth in cattle to make connections and political moves, slowly establishing herself as a powerful figure and having many in her debt. Her brothers and cousins, finally well fed, grew tall and healthy and began to take on roles as herders, protectors, and raiders, with the assistance of more young men gained in alliance. All the while, she dutifully continued her paid trysts with the patriarch whenever he summoned her.
Eventually, the man had given her so many cattle (which had been bred in the meantime, and more had been acquired in trade and raids) that she had three times as many as he did. One day, she did not appear as expected. She had amassed great wealth for herself and her clan, and had been courting the unwed son of the patriarch’s rival clan. The son paid a hefty bride price for her, and they were wed on that day.
Now the wealthiest in cattle and the most powerful clan in the valley, the woman and her new husband ousted the weakened and disgraced former patriarch, becoming the new ruling clan of the Bict-Braíghnnas. The couple were wise and wealthy rulers, and their clan remains in power and rich in cattle to this day.
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The cultural outlook on sex work (among other things) is fairly well encapsulated here- the sex work itself is degrading, but this fits into common motifs of this cultural sphere’s folktales where the hero figure overcomes difficult and often degrading situations with wit and social skill, and ultimately rises above it. Note that as a (non-comedic) hero of this tale, she uses her sex work very intentionally and pragmatically for material gain and alongside many other measures to increase her standing. Also note that, when unmarried, she's specified as taking up practical labor roles, and ultimately acquires a husband and ends the story in the expected position as a wife.
The actions of the man who hired her are distinctly shameful. He is performing his role as a husband TERRIBLY- being unfaithful, completely mismanaging his wife’s herds and ultimately driving his clan out of power all in pursuit of petty lust. He is in part an exaggerated, cartoonish embodiment of the cultural perception of the clients of sex workers- desperate, foolishly lustful, and an overall failure as a man. Most hearing this story would find his role highly comedic, a powerful but stupid foe for the clever and pragmatic hero to overcome.
(Very minor side note: the detail of him being enthralled by her breasts is also meant to be comedic- breasts are not sexualized in this culture (women's hips/thighs/buttocks are what is typically seen as sexually attractive), and many women will be out topless on hot days without note being made of it (toplessness is culturally acceptable, exposing genitalia/buttocks is not). The notion of a man being out of his mind horny over the sight of a bare tit would register to listeners as excessively lustful in a humorous capacity)
While the focus of the story is ultimately more on the contrast of thrifty and foolish behaviors, it also functions as a discouragement of hiring sex workers, casting the loss of assets in trade for sex as a similarly foolish venture, degrading to the worker and humiliating to the client.
#VERY long post. Enjoy#The only main characters who have hired sex workers are Janeys and Brakul#Janeys exclusively goes for 'appropriate' targets (mostly being women or young beardless men). Which he is not actually attracted to.#And is a fucking terrible rude as shit client with his only redeeming quality being that he pays VERY well (largely with the#implication of keeping quiet about whatever he inevitably did to embarrass himself)#Brakul only does it occasionally and on the downlow and goes for people he actually IS attracted to (men closer to his age- which#generally will be workers who normally serve female clients). He is VERY ashamed that he does it to begin with but is at least#polite and businesslike about it. He fucks off the second its over. Sometimes he's like 'actually never mind' and pays and leaves#midway through. Literally just pulls out and sets down some money and dips. They'll never see him again.#Palo has never hired a sex worker but has kind of a unique relationship with the community. Growing up in a mercantile family#in a district with a lot of brothels- sex workers were kind of just part of the community. He still ascribes to most cultural beliefs#surrounding sex work and isn't like Enlightened about it but is much more inclined to treat sex workers like peers and with a degree#of respect normally afforded to any stranger.#One of the akoshos in his community (that he spent his childhood fascinated with) was a priestess to the Mother of Whores and a#genuinely kind (though VERY stern) old woman. Had a very cold hard gaze and rugged look and he was kind of scared of her#but one time when he was 12 he got bitten by a street dog and she gave him a blessing then and there so he wouldn't have to walk#all the way to a temple. Their blessings are not considered legit under standard practice (given they are not considered a legitimate#priesthood) but he felt a lot better afterwords.
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somehow, I don't know how, but somehow sewing machines always know when you're nearly done with a project and pick that exact moment to throw a hissy fit
#sewing#sewing machines#I am so close to finishing this dumb swimsuit that I started in 2020 for a vacation that ended up not happening#and which I stuffed into a shoebox and into the back of my sewing stash when I realized I wouldn't get to wear it in 2020#then pulled it back out to finish for this family gathering coming up in a few days here#it's a one-piece suit and I hate one-piece swimsuits#and no one-piece has fit me off the rack since puberty so I'm stuck sewing it for myself#but I'm very happy with the design and relatively happy with the finished look#the idea is just to have something that is supportive and modest enough to wear around family#and in particular to wear to something like a waterpark with my nephews#something that won't ride up or fall down or come untied or anything like that#so it has a low-cut leg hole and a high-cut neck#and an entire invisible superstructure in the lining underneath to actually provide support and enclosure and all#it's plain black but it fits and supports and won't fly apart at the seams#but this very last step. oh this last step.#I had to drape the exterior bust area directly on me bc I can't account for curves and stretch and such if it's flat on the table#and then I had to wiggle out of it carefully with a ton of pins in the underarm and neckline area#I'm using a double-needle to top stitch the edges as a finish across the whole suit. it did one underarm and the neckline just fine!#but the turn from where the neckline meets the strap and down into the other underarm it just. won't do it.#it has thrown a fit and created a tangle of thread multiple times now. there are only 4" left to sew! just sew it!#it's not hard! we just did the exact same thing on the other side and it worked fine! but no! gotta throw a hissy fit!#ugh. anyway. I have removed all the thread and needles from the machine and turned it off and basically sent it to timeout lol#wrote this rant and gonna make myself some food and I'll fucking finish those last 4 inches later tonight or tomorrow#and then I have one tiny repair to something else I want to take on this trip. hopefully my sewing machine won't throw a fit over that too#istg the only projects this doesn't happen with are the ones that end with a bunch of handsewing#that's the way to trick my sewing machine I guess. but I'm not handsewing a swimsuit lol#at least I'm not so pressed for time that I can't just walk away from it for a bit. getting close to time to pack but not quite yet#my sewing#2024 mood#tagtalking
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#tumblrtop10#i would just like to point out. this is the 2nd year in a row where my top post has absolutely nothing to do with either of my boys#like i genuinely think that is so funny sjfhdksdjfh#i dedicate my entire blog to this scrunkly redhead & yet... lol#i honestly wasn't expecting anyone to like that harthur (harley & arthur) post but i'm glad people did!!#overall i'm not that surprised by the top 10. it's mostly monster boyz which i expect#i am a lil surprised that the valentine's day edit i did made it???#that post pissed me the fuck off. it took me SO long to get the lighting & the pose & the camera angle right#but in the end. the lighting is quite nice. i really do like the rim lighting effect. it's just hard to pull off#lighting is my weak spot#i think my editing really improved this year though! excited to see what comes out of next year :-)
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Tell me how I, the gal with terminal "can't stop thinking about Tai Sui" disease, read hundreds of thousands of words of Mo Du over the course of months, starting right after I finished Tai Sui, yet it took me until right now in this instant to put together the Fei Du->Zhou Ying parallel
Like. Here's the favored son of a man who is incredibly powerful and morally bankrupt. He hates his dad and would be quite happy to commit patricide, should he get the opportunity, but he doesn't directly do so because it wouldn't suit his schemes. He has spent his entire life since his teenage years painstakingly putting together the chess pieces necessary to both destroy his dad and unravel the truth of a grand unknowable conspiracy that has haunted his entire life. He's a genius and the way his mind works is utterly incomprehensible to everyone else in the world, even those who know and love him best. The right kind of placid smile from him can be the most terrifying thing anybody has ever seen. He is willing to use himself up and toss himself out completely if it is the means to the final end of his schemes.
It's just that with Fei Du, the whole point of him is that he's not nearly so terrible as he thinks he is. He's not a psychopath. He's not cruel, regardless of how much empathy he may or may not naturally have. He's just spectacularly traumatized by his childhood. And the presence of Luo Wenzhou in his life both saves him from spiraling down into his original epic self-destructive plot and allows him to access his buried human emotions.
Then, 5 years later, Priest came back to revisit some of the same ideas and turn absolutely all of them up to eleven. She wrote a man who doesn't just think differently from others, but who perceives the world so wildly differently from anyone else that his experience of existence is utterly incomprehensible to his peers. She wrote a patricidal prince who doesn't just want to destroy his father and his company, then tear out the truth of a criminal conspiracy, but rather wants to destroy his father and his entire country, then tear out the truth of the sky itself. She wrote a man who genuinely doesn't give a single damn about anyone other than himself and his tiny tiny selection of loved ones. Who would destroy the entire world in a fit of vengeance and who uses his own willingness to kill innocents as leverage against others. She wrote a man who plans to achieve his goals by way of epic self destruction and does exactly that, leaving the main character's loss of him as the central beating tragedy in the otherwise best possible ending.
She also wrote a story in which, when Zhou Ying's closest and most loved person realizes the dark and scheming truth of him, rather than saying "I can fix him; I don't think he's really so bad," he says "yeah, this is my cousin and he's a terrible menace who tries to destroy the world sometimes. I love him more than anything."
You can absolutely see how Priest's interest in similar ideas informed both characters. It's just that Fei Chengyu didn't succeed in raising his perfect little sociopath successor, but Emperor Taiming and the demons of the impassible sea absolutely succeeded in Jokerizing Prince Zhuang. They just couldn't possibly anticipate the kind of monster that the demon of the east sea would become.
#ok technically this is a bit of a called shot for me about Fei Du#I'm still in the middle of book 5#but like. he's not gonna die or go full evil. he's the love interest in a danmei#and the story up until this point has VERY clearly been about lwz showing Fei Du how human he still is#and pulling him back from the brink of something dark#it's an I can fix him romance#so it'd make no sense for the story to make a sudden 180. and I think priest knows better#mo du is about a good man trying to force himself into darkness and being saved#and about how he never realized how much he wanted that salvation. but he did want it. it drew him to lwz I think#tai sui. as others have said. is about the tragedy of trying to save someone that GENUINELY does not want to be saved#that shakes off your attempts to help them whenever possible and is genuinely good at doing so#idk man I just love fucked up little guys#tai sui#mo du#silent reading#fei du#zhou ying#prince zhuang#andie reads silently#also side note. but it was SO hard to decide which blog to put this on lol#it's part of my mo du liveblog. which goes on main#but also tai sui meta. which goes on morethanwonderful#augh.#long post#tai sui spoilers
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#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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HELLO tell me more abt your lear adaptation i have been eagerly snatching up little bits you talk about on here it seems so interesting
hi mor!! i would love to talk abt it a little more (and maybe it will inspire me to get a little more work done on it)
my google doc is jokingly titled 'lear but no lear' rn but i still need to find a good line pull to name it.... Anyway as you may surmise from the title i am attempting to devise a script that contains the same plot without actually having lear appear. (it's sort of started as an excuse for me, a 21 year old, to direct/work on king lear with actors that are my age but i do actually think the concept is solid)
so the only characters are the children - goneril, regan, cordelia, edgar, and edmund. i'm interested in exploring the effect of lear and gloucester on their children as an unseen force that influences every moment of the play without being a physical presence. also those five make me fucking. crazy and i want to dig into their potential in more depth. there's a lot of siblings speaking with their parents voices to each other to emphasize that theme of familial legacy/influence.
i'm rolling cornwall and albany into edmund's character (by which i mean he's taking most of their lines/positioning and has some sort of preexisting relationship with them) which is going to make for an interesting shift in his relationships with goneril and regan. cordelia is also doubling as the fool so she has a more active engagement in the storytelling (which means she also gets to sing! if i'm a sucker for anything it's music in plays). everyone sort of steps in and out of other character's voices as necessary, and it's probably going to end up being fairly abstract and experimental.
i'm producing it twice with two different casts in november and january (the first one is much more a workshop to see if i can get it to work at all bc both have insanely tight rehearsal timelines) and i feel soo fucking lucky to get to work with the casts i have, i trust them so completely to help me shape it. it is definitely a departure from my usual work bc it Requires that i make decisions that are unfaithful to the original text/change the story, but i'm hoping i'll be able to push past that to end up with something that makes sense!
#also if you have any ideas for how to portray lear in this context i would Love the help lmaooo#specifically in 2.4 bc i'm already using a storm as a metaphor for lear's anger in 1.4#and i am considering switching those but i still need to find some good imagery/metaphor to stand in for lear's lines#plus 2.4 has like. SO much more plot context that he delivers which is tough#it turns out this concept is really fucking hard to pull off </3 but whenever something clicks it is the best feeling ever i love this play#ted talks#king lear#lear adaptation
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Everyday I think about how Misty isn't the antler queen and how she was the first girl to be disproven right off the bat to not be her. You would think it would be her at first right? She's unhinged, she's unable to see the fault in some of the things she does, she murders and murders, and essentially everything that happened in the wilderness is indirectly her fault because she destroyed the box. But she was the first girl to be shown unmasked because Misty doesn't attempt to hide, or maybe she just can't. She's unmasked because we see her nature right of the bat, there's no pretense of normalcy or repression of who she is.
The antler queen is hidden, behind the scenes. She isn't the one who dragged pit girl's body out, prepared it, and served it. It was served to her. If the wilderness is the representation of trauma, then the antler queen is the source of it and the instigator. The center.
If Misty is a hammer used to beat someone to death, then the antler queen is a quiet poison that you don't even know is in your system until it kills you. Anyways here is why I believe with my whole heart that Shauna is the antler queen.
#who was the one who fucked jackies bf? the one who stews in anger for so long that it comes out in ways that are harmful#whos the one who left jackie out there to freeze to death? whos the one who took the first bite out of her body?#whos the one who released her anger by beating lottie half to death and setting of that whole series of events#whos the one who instead of going to jeff about her suspicions about adultry instead had her own affair and killed adam#who set off the series of events in the present that brought everyone together again which lottie interpreted as the wilderness doing it?#who maintains this veneer of housewife normalcy despite her hands shaking wanting to kill the man her jacked her car so bad#its all shauna its all been shauna its just we dont see it bc other characters have more obvious and disturbing issues#like misty and her neediness and nat and her father and lottie and her schizophrenia#but shauna the plain girl. the one who takes out her angry upon seeing jackie with jeff on taissa accusing her of injuring their teammate#on purpose#shauna whos normal. shauna whos the straight A student. but shes the one whos dark inside. her actions have such a rippling effect#that its hard to see that it all traces back to her#lottie saying that callie is so powerful. callie being repeatedly compared to her 'psychopath' of a mother (quote)#shauna being the executioner except she covers her eyes bc she is ashamed. she doesnt want them to see how badly she wants to do this#how badly she wants to pull the trigger but natalie says to look her in the eyes when she does it. bc natalie sees thru it she always seen#thru it#yellowjackets#i love shauna shipman actually i love her so much
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Proseka friend told me that both God-Ish and All I Need Are Things I Like are being added to the game on JP covered by Nightcord (God-Ish) and Wonderlands x Showtime (All I Need Are Things I Like) and oh boy am I scared. They're also adding (Not) a Devil but it's not covered so I'm not worried about that
#look. I didn't like the nightcord non-breath oblige cover. I don't think I ever went into detail as to why but I really don't like it#I think. Non-Breath was a bad choice for them to cover music wise. I think God-Ish is better. because it's not as energetic#not a bad thing!! God-ish feels whispery which is so Nightcord's thing. Non-Breath was too high energy for them to pull off good#...so I'm gonna be double upset if they fuck up God-ish actually. I don't even care for God-Ish that much#Like I cared for Non-Breath so much. so it stung when they kinda missed the mark with it ^^:#I'm like. a little less worried about about WxS. Because they made like. The one Pino cover In the game I actually like#Ignoring the Saki and Tsukasa Cosmospice cover. I hate that cover so much sorry#But also like. All I Need Are Things I Like is one of THE PinocchioP songs of all time. to me. so like#I hold the same sort of attachments towards it as I do to Non-Breath. So if they do fumble the net with it I'm gonna cry#Also. I know. there's a possibility that TikTok. Will pick up on it#And I don't think I'm gonna mind too much. If they run with God-Ish more. because I think it's kinda hard to miss the thing with God-Ish#But if they make some fucking trend audio with All I Need Are Things I Like that completely misses the point of the song somehow.#I'm going to riot. I never got TikTok 'ruining songs'. Until both Non-Breath and Anonymous M became like. funny trend audios.#I made a better post on my main blog about this I'll reblog it here maybe#Guys I promise I like Proseka It's just my liking of PinocchioP comes before that#I like being a little hater also tho#pinocchio p#pinocchiop#vocaloid#pinocchio-p#project sekai#proseka#doushiteworld.txt
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I love it when in people's adult designs for Edd they give him a mustache. It is so real.
#I think he makes it work in a dorky ned flanders way#which honestly is commendable#'staches are so fucking hard to pull off in comparison to other forms of facial hair#also shout-out to giving him peach-fuzz as a teen I love doing that it makes him so awkward#squack
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👼🏼 for my most innocent looking icon of my muse :D
what icon? ask meme.
After checking through the list, THIS would be Copperhead's most innocent-looking icon. LOOK AT HIM. HE'S WEARING A SEATBELT. Okay, he may or may not legally have a driving license but you can't deny he's into proper road safety.
#acertiijo#memes ;; what icon?#It is so HARD to find innocent icons of this guy for real ashsfdf#Copperhead absolutely has those 'HE'S JUST STANDING THERE MENACINGLY' vibes#Which is only natural because he's a giant fuck off snake man#But he actually seemed to be a really good driver in the movie he was featured in so he's got that going for him#Imagine ordering a delivery and this guy just pulls up#Villains say road sense is a good sense is have 🤷
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springtrap has always been one of my favorite characters!! I just think hes so interesting and cna have a lot of different interpretations to him, Like how does he feel once being Afton and now being a new entitiy which is similar to his past slef yet borthing alike? I love how the fandom takes these questions and ideas about him and makes new interesting stories all the time!! I love how people interpret him, and I just oouuggghhhh i love consuming different people's versions of Springtrap because he can be so different yet still the same broken wet paper towel of a murder zombie bunny!!!
YEAHYEAHYEAYEYAHEYAHEYAEAYHHHHH EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERES LIKE A THIN LINE BETWEEN SPRINGTRAP AND AFTON HOW DOES HE FEEL ABT EITHER OF THOSE GUYS WHO ARE BOTH EQUALLY PART OF HIM???
i call him just springtrap a lot and not william b/c i think thats what he is. springtrap is him in his ideal form. he regards springtrap as william afton but upgraded.
hes become an entirely different entity hes going thru a metamorphosis and emerging as a butterfly (how i think hed feel about dying in the suit)
once hes back. once hes come back 2 life. he thinks he'll be an ever present threat. he WANTS to be....god i just love him so much. the enjoyment of his character is abundant.
#spacie splains#graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#HE IS SOOO FUCKING SILLYYYYY#hed be like ''my name was william afton when i was human when i was alive but my true name is Springtrap'' or some shit#SPRINGTRAP IS EVERYTHING HE WANTS 2 BE BITES MY KNUCKLE SO HARD IT BLEEDS#AND I MEAN HE PULLS IT OFF REALLY WELL THIS PERSONA OF HIS#WHICH HAS CROSSED THE REALMS OF JUST BEING A PERSONA AND NOW BEING WHO HE ACTUALLY IS
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Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.
#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up#but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones#i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it#so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda#positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic#and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even#removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax#and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy#but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic#bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this#also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes#just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine#annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol#unrelated
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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boston rush hour traffic really has u experiencing such a range of human manners. i was looking judgementally at the lack of distance between the bumpers of 2 cars, the driver doing the tailgating noticed me looking, and gestured to me asking if i needed/wanted to get over, implying he'd let me over if i did, but i said no, and he gave me a thumbs up. and continued the tailgating
#toy txt post#what a wide range of manners you have my friend. holy fuck#fascinating#also why do SO MANY PPL#if i need to get into the lane where you are. and YOU need to get into the lane where I AM. this doesnt have to be hard!#this could be very easy! we should switch spots. if you let me over#a space for you will then be opened!#so why are you BLOCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#with your big stupid SUV!!!!!!!! stop it!!#also why did a fucking Bus try to merge on top of me! pleeeeeease 😭😭😭😭😭😭 im too small for this#also passed. 2 very rough looking accidents. i think i saw blood on the pavement coming out of the car that looked like All of the airbags#had gone off. (😬 uh. hope it was a superficial injury that person can heal from. eep) and another one was in the ditch in between the 2#different directions of highway and there were like. 4 firetrucks? pulling the car apart ?#hope they got everyone out of that van#also witnessed a sneaky cop car get mega cut off and do nothing which was. a little funny#guess the officer was off duty or in a hurry or smth#anyway. the genuine politeness. from the guy just mega tailgating. whew#wild#anyway dont tailgate me ill go slower to try to ensure that if u hit me its not that bad and that there's a decent gap between me and the#car in front of me so i dont get fucking pancaked by your big stupid truck. if you let off i might be nice and go ten or more over for u#if conditions allow.
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