#and sometimes i feel like im lying to myself
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Sometimes, I forget how much grief comes from leaving those you love
#i move in two weeks#and my chest aches from the realisation that im leaving my family. my friends. my support group for another city#and sometimes i feel like im lying to myself#pretending that im fine with it#but im jumping into completely unknown territory and it scares the livjng daylights out of me#and I know part of why im feeling it so viscerally is im hungover and sleep deprived#but i saw most of my friends last night and my best friend lit up when i walked through the door#because she didnt think id be coming and it aches knowing that itll be a long time before j see her again when i move#that i will have to build a new support network and life#and im scared#and im tired#and im a but sad#and i think i just need to acknowledge that
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Me genuinely tweaking when I think about the outsiders
#im not even lying I’ve like started crying just because I thought about them#not even the sad parts just like#OMG THIS PIECE OF MEDIA I LOVE SO MUCH EXISTS WAAAAAHHH#sometimes I can feel myself shaking when I think about these goofy mfs#clarity speaks#the outsiders#the outsiders 1983#outsiders musical#the outsiders musical#ponyboy michael curtis#johnny cade#dally winston#darry curtis#sodapop curtis#two bit mathews#steve randle#cherry valance
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just after i crawled my way out of that 'art-low' and i got myself excited to work on the rough draft for chapter2- i suddendly just crash and burn again bc i cant get the thought out of my head that im not a good writer either actually and my ideas are comically boring
do i really have to fight my own brain over and over again for the rest of my life (ㆆ_ㆆ)
#ganondoodles talks#random#i dont want to keep sounding so self pitying#sometimes i can fight these feeling#but sometiems it just feels like you just realized the truth about yourself#so fighting that is just lying to yourself#and i feel like im being so ungrateful everytime i feel like shit#bc i know there are people that like what i do#and just bc there are people that are better at everything that im doing or aspiring to do doesnt mean im useless#BUT IT ALSO FEELS LIKE IM WASTING MY TIME#even thoguh funnnily enough i wouldnt even know what WOULDNT be a waste of time bc ......#i dont ... have anything else#if you take away art and writing theres nothing left of me#kinda not surprising then that i keep accidentally tying my feeling of worth to the receiption of what i post#................ and losing followers in the hundreds on twitter espeically doesnt exactly help#though that is mostly bc im rting a ton of info about palestine and tbh idk if i would want people following me that are zionists or simila#still feels bad#AND I KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME IS WRONG OR IT SHOULDNT MATTER#but it still feels real#im so tired of fighting myself
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you know i had a fun little vp idea i wanted to do for the cyberpunk anniversary but i haven't had the energy to even touch it recently so i'll just settle with saying that this game impacted me in ways i never thought it would when i first picked it up 3 years ago. i knew i would enjoy it, i had been looking forward to it for a long time, and despite a ~controversial~ launch, i had a fucking blast from day 1 (on ps4 no less). regardless of bugs and memes and public dunking, the story grabbed me like nothing else could at the time, and it reignited so much of my passion and motivation for art that i had lost in the clutches of mental illness and i'll always be grateful for that. it introduced me to so many wonderful people (some whom i carry very close to my heart), and maybe most personally surprising, it gave me an outlet to understand parts of myself that i had been too afraid to acknowledge for a long time, the courage to accept and embrace myself as non-binary, and allow myself to just BE without trying to convince myself i'm crazy. that's not what i expected from the get-go but it's been a really fun journey to be on ngl
#yeah this fandom been a little rocky in places but i would be lying if i said this community here wasn't special to me#so much love and passion and creativity to be around and be inspired by#so many people who have been impacted by this silly little heartwrenching game#devs who have poured their heart into it to deliver something genuinely incredible#its one of those strange things that really did fully change the trajectory of this little leg of my life#to think that until 3 years ago i hadn't even touched art in a decade#now there are lovely people who want to spend money on my work#3 years ago i bought my first (and only) refurbished ps4 to play this game and now im sitting on a fancy gaming laptop#ive said it before but vp has been such an important creative outlet too#its allowed me to live my dreams of being a film director. a cinematographer. a writer.#the whole game has let me be so damn self-indulgent sometimes i feel like a kid again just unashamedly playing barbie#finding the JOY of just. creating.#i learned so much about myself through an OC because of this game#it went from 'huh what is this feeling? gender envy?' to being like full blown 'oh yea. i get it now.' so much of my life makes sense kfslf#and i met people who mean the world to me on top of it all#woof anyways#i know i say it a lot but genuinely thank u to yall who have encouraged me and supported me and who enjoy the things that i make#youve made such a difference in my life without knowing it!
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look what i can do now! should i ever learn to gif it's over for you hoes.
#narrator voice: she will - in fact - never learn to make gifs#[never say never but i also dont have tech stuff patience or mind]#i am satisfied wi this#i am so pleased with myself for discovering this#now i just got to figure out how to do this without it catching my noises#unless people want my liveblogging ... more life#anywho#farryn is lying#farryn and solas#i wish we could have 'persuade' and 'lying' dialogue the way we used to in dao#at least just when playing against solas#it struck me just now but whenever i play with farryn sometimes im like that's a like. ey is lying. this is farryn being a lying liar who#lies right here#but i cant distinguish that#it would have been fun to have rook and solas lie to each other and see if the other could track it you know#insight: farryn laidir#insight: farryn leshy#grapecase plays da4#da4 spoilers#datv spoilers#da4#dragon age#i will say ... i dont like the lauryn hill hair on em#which sucks bc i like the hair.#i dont think it works with eir forhead#anyway jsyk farryn is lying particularly about feeling it being different bc it was eir command#and ofc solas' response is helpful#as varric said. meet solas as a humble person wanting to learn and ...#if anyone is reading this .... im sorry lmao#edit: just realizing how loudly this picks up my allergy noises
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i feel so aimless and full of despair like 89% of the time. and i need to just go to bed but i took a nap earlier and there is only so much time you can spend asleep
#i ply my brain with content in hopes of making it shut up but aaa#like i ask my peers and friends like does everyone feel like this? does anyone know what theyre doing?#and people are like yeah haha im aimless too all while seeming to work towards goals and futures#and i just feel so pointless . i want to be nothing . i want to fast forward until it's all over#there is more to life than a career but whenever i want to really believe that i feel naive#everyone here is so ambitious and driven and it makes me feel pathetic and slovenly and horrible#im lying to myself saying i'll apply to X and Y and doing nothing to work towards it#even the things ive been most excited abt this summer dont seem all that fun anymore. because it's just time marching on#i want to embrace that spirit of 'sometimes i imagine i already died and begged god to let me live again' to appreciate everything#and it helps sometimes but other times i just still am So sad and lost#and it's such a privilege to be able to feel this aimlessness and wonder about like what to do with myself but i also just feel so naive#like have i squandered my potential? my opportunities? should i go into investment or consulting or tech like 40% of my classmates?#i just want to do something meaningful#this is just the 11pm talking . but this is my blog and if i want to despairpost i will#im gonna go shower.
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URL song spelling game! Thank you @bunlux for tagging me!
Setting Sail, Coming Home - Darren Korb
Heir of Grief - Seth Peelle, Toby Fox, Malcolm Brown, and Joren De Bruin
Into the Unkown - The Blasting Company
Metamorphosis - Penny Parker
Data & Picard - Pogo
Tot Musica - Ado
Answers - Nobou Uematsu
let me see if i can find anyone to tag @pinkglitteringdemondildos, @isayoldbean, @tangyaura, @banana-babies, @hollis-exe feel free to do it or not if i saw you on my activity recently i targeted you
#I had a lot of options for s but i had to include something from darren korb from supergiant games they know how to make a fucking game#and he knows how to make good music like listen to anything from any of their games fr#yeah im putting myself on blast as a stupid nerd with the second one i do have homestuck music on my playlist honestly there#is so much music if there isnt something you like from all of the albums your lying#i cant help but like sound tracks from things okay also i like to sing along sometimes and like his voice ough#i cant use songs that start with a or the because itll kill me and i like some songs more or less from the album metamorphosis is from but#like it and its very trans tm and i need more music that is explicitly that#i had a lot of options for d but this one is so silly and i also sing along to this one and also watch the music video its really well made#i had too many options for t plus all the the songs but i added tot musica recently she has a really good range as a vocalist and no i#havent watch the one piece movie this song is from#a is from a video game and i just got feelings about it but i also almost broke the rules and put 1000 light years away from slime rancher#even though its not an a it was on top when i alphabetized my playlist and i was so tempted#im realizing my playlists are missing a lot of music i need to fix that#ted talked#tag game#music
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#ever find yourself over-explaining something you did because you feel like you're about to get in trouble? even if it's something innocuous?#and you're trying so hard to Not Get in Trouble you start to feel like you're lying EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT#sometimes one notices a behavior and it's like ''oh yeah. i spent my whole childhood being constantly criticised and living on the defensive#and now any time i feel like i MIGHT have made a mistake#even if there's no reason to think i did#i'll start trying to prove it wasn't my fault and get out in front of criticism before it even happens''#note to self to remember i do stuff like this next time im questioning how bad it actually was#i act in these weird evasive prevaricating ways for no reason#i feel like i have to hide something when there's nothing worth hiding#it's all these weird reactions to living for so long in an environment where if i DID do something wrong#the resulting harsh criticism and verbal abuse was so bad that i started to be hyper vigilant#and always looking for things to excuse whatever id done#it suckkksssss in adulthood because it makes you act squirrelly and weird (read: suspicious#to someone who doesn't understand that kind of anxiety) AND if you do genuinely make a mistake#it's really hard not to get extremely defensive bc you're expecting to be emotionally demolished if you admit you were at fault#it's not a gr8 behavior and i hate when i catch myself doing it#ive gotten way better about that one in the last few years but only because i now live with people who are capable of regulating#even when they are angry with me.
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help girl i got too silly <\3 (overthought every interaction ever)
#im okay i think#(lying)#hoooh boy#ill be alr but girl (/gnc) what the fuck is this#nahh i could’ve had a NORMAL FUNCTIONING brain but yknow what i got instead ?#a sentient lump of meat. that likes to imagine scenarios that will *never* happen and form ideas of what people think of it#even if like. yknow. ITS IRRATIONAL AS FUCK AND LIKELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING#see. if i was a house cat i wouldnt have to worry bout this shit . just be kitty. lick paw. take nap. eat. in whatever order i desire.#oh and be silly and cute.#‘’embarrassing myself in front of a customer? overthinking what a coworker said?’’#‘’eeerm. oh? you wanted to carry on about your day?’’#‘’too bad. here’s the underlying feeling of dread for the next few hours. have fun!’’#I HATE BEING SENTIENT RAHHH RAHHH#I COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE GUY DOING LITTLE THINGS. WHAT IS THIS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!#i know i should be a big guy and act like it. but sometimes you gotta like. be a little insane.#okay anyways anxiety rant over. if for some reason you read my rant while i was Probably loosing my mind um.#1. i am sooo sorry you had to witness my illposting#2. i give you a little smooch (/p) for sticking with me . I bite you . (/pos)#kazzy complains#me when im cringe on main
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They should invent a me that feels real and doesn't self sabotage
#sky vents like amogus#im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo normal (lying)#legit i dont know what im supposed to do with myself. i dont see a future for me but i dont want to die. i just exist#i think about this one sci fi story a lot where the guy finds out everyone in the world is him and he is everyone in the world#reincarnated across timelines and bodies and every single person ever from good to evil has always. been. him.#i wonder if im that guy. why do i treat my current body and my past and future bodies so bad. do i even deserve to since so many of them#have the capacity to hurt themselves across history too. do i even try to break the cycle at this point.#or sometimes its like. im not real but everyone else is. i just inserted myself into this world and one day ill wake up and theyre all gone#if i found out that was true would i even do anything about it? could i get the courage to live knowing that it doesnt matter in the end#because i dont fucking exist. or would i just keep existing as i am now miserable because it doesnt matter in the end im not real#i feel like im gonna cry now. i thought too much#i dont wanna be needy and bothersome but. augh
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#my ex with who I broke up with two years ago bc she wants to have kids and i dont told me that she’s pregnant today!!#and im super happy for her and also very happy we broke up#bc my dreams of family are mostly stuff like being able to share a house/neighborhood with my closest friends and grow old together#sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever feel like dating again might feel like a good idea#but I still feel like maybe its just not something im very good at#or something that is for me#when I always end up losing too much of myself#anyways happy holidays or whatever#brought to you by lying awake at 2am thinking abt my life and choices
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What if i died forever
#i feel so fucking hopeless like head in hands head in hands head in hands#what if im just actually lying and im actually a horrible person?#do any of my followers or mutuals think im a shitty person?#what if i tore myself to pieces to prove im not just a weak complainy idiot#im still paranoid someone’s watching my blog and its like idk what to do#i feel judged every second of the day and idk how to make it stop#i wasnt reassurance but i feel like if i asked for it people would go ‘youre being toxic’ or ‘youre being manipulative’#and it scares me so much sometimes i just want to shut myself off from all of my friends#evilsoda.hater
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this is like the most niche thing ive ever imagined with an f/o but i like thinking that papyrus could call my bluffs really easily when no one else can. specifically UMM self care and health bluffs? i dont really lie about it. i just intentionally leave stuff out so people dont worry? like, if someone asks "have you eaten today?" ill be like "oh yea i ate before i came here! ^_^" but then i tactfully leave out the part where the only thing i ate was, like, a piece of candy i found on my floor or something and prior to that i hadnt eaten for a week, and things of that nature. and people never ever realize when im bluffing which is convenient for me but obviously Bad in general, but. i like imagining that paps of all people can just sort of innately Tell when im hiding something or skewing the truth just a little bit
#because hes SMART!!!!!!!!! and GOOD AT READING PEOPLE!!!!!!!#so far the only other person whos learned that i DO bluff (even if she doesnt call them naturally) is my school counselor#thats only because i told her about how i bluff a lot. so now she kinda questions whatever i say about my own health LOL#we were talking about my arfid at one point and i said how mama wants me to go see a professional about it#and i told her id declined because while my situation wasnt ideal it wasnt THAT bad and wasnt dangerous to my health#and she was like ok so how often do you eat#and i had to be like. umm. Sometimes.#and after like 5 minutes of pushing she got me to admit i ate maybe once a week (ITS BETTER NOW THOUGH!!!!)#and she was like. ok so i think maybe your definition of whats 'dangerous' to your health isnt normal at all.#anyway i imagine paps would be like that except i DONT have to tell him. he just kind of knows when im leaving stuff out#this is also so unique to papyrus nobody else can tell not even sans despite his skill of reading faces#blegh. i think the day im like fully open and honest with my life and how i feel is the same day jesus comes back or something#cherry chats#hes also good at prying in a way where i dont feel like shit. idk how to explain it but like umm#when ive been in situations where people have pushed me until im forced to guiltily admit i was leaving stuff out i feel bad#not only because they called my bluff and learned i was (almost) lying to them but also it makes me feel bad about myself#but i think hed never make me outright say it#since he just Knows hes also able to come up with ways to bring it up without atcually saying it out loud#he knows that i know that he knows etc etc etc#AND ALSO HES UNRIVALLED WHEN IT COMES TO MANIPULATING PEOPLE INTO DOING WHAT HE WANTS (IN A NICE WAY)!!!!!!!!!!!#SO IF ANYONE CAN GET ME TO EAT ITS HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#hes so smart. he just tricks people into doing stuff for their own benefit and they hardly ever realize it#hes my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333
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#sometimes i wonder if i should just go by maryam professionally#i feel like this would extremely lower my chances of getting outed on accident lmao.#all my branding is centered on my renegaedz username anyway like if i switched over itd alter pretty much nothing.#my dad simultaneously being so neglectful but such a fucking busybody and all my transphobic irls literal only reason id need to do this.#in theory i would not have to have literal separate art identities to keep up the facade but then i would have to play a balancing game#but then this means letting everyone i know irl into my little zone lmaooo i hate everyone .#i hate so many of my irls lol you all make me so fucking mad and make me hate being trans so fucking much sometimes.#why do i have to compromise on who i am just so i can fucking exist#'what if i compromise on how i present myself so i dont need to worry about being open about my art ventures'#all this so i can be open to people who i went through hell for over a decade to#connect to who rejected me already just because im autistic . everyday im violent.#people who would want me to fucking die and spit on my existence forever if they knew i didnt hate gay people#let alone that im fucking trans haha ? hahaha yeah so true i should suck up forever and vie for the attention of people#who hate me already and keep me around to be nice#i hate everyone so fucking much sometimes honestly. you all act like youre on some moral warfront fighting against westerners pushing queer#as if historically queerness was pushed out of muslim communities and south asia because of FUCKING COLONIZATION#i fkjhckjhk يا الله the people on this earth are in their stupidity arc#i hate u all i hate u all . acting like we must fight to protect our communities but then turn a blind eye to how u hurt ur communities.#there aint no fucking queer epidemic and even if it WAS haram you know what is worse? fucking LYING. go worry about THAT#vent#sorry i am so insane rn i have suddenly gotten so mad for no reason lmao
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girl help I’m experiencing that common yet elusive late night motivation to get my life together knowing it will fall apart in the morning </3 girl fucking help me
#I hate ittt#I’m always like ‘I’m gonna start doing this’ or ‘I’m gonna finally try and get myself in a place where I can maybe take college classes’#and ‘I’m really gonna try and fix my sleep schedule and stop getting distracted instead of getting something accomplished’#and then in the morning evil me is back and they hate me and everything else#and would sell the world to hell for five more minutes of sleep#and my executive dysfunction has its claws in me again#man it sucks being so behind. I don’t want to like complain and make it sound like I’m worthless bc I’m not but man it’s hard#it’s hard watching ppl younger than you achieve your dreams of learning and getting better and breaking through that mental fog#they’re not always much younger either just like. two years is enough to make me wonder what would have happened if I was there#I know it’s not all in my control why I’m here either— there’s a lot of factors at play#but one of them IS that growing up I couldn’t never beat that executive dysfunction plus mental fog and procrastination#and then I shot myself in the foot by saying I waited to long and shouldn’t even try#and now I’m realizing I could but the years I spent fighting with myself weigh me down now and then#I can’t let it get to me because if I let myself get weighed down by it all I pull others down with me#but sometimes it does make me sad. and frustrated. when I feel this motivation when im lying in bed tired at some ungodly hour#suddenly struck with wanting to change my life and not having the daylight nor the physical/mental ability to get it done right then#not to mention the privacy. if I chose to get up at the buttcheeks of midnight and morning I would be not only destroying my own schedule#but disturbing a bunch of others too#anyway this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant sorry#I haven’t talked a lot lately so it’s all bubbling inside I guess
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Me: Im okay
Friend, replying to my text where I admit I'm not doing well: aw I'm sorry to hear that! But know it's something to even make it out of bed everyday and I'm proud of you!
Me: 😭😭😭
#for a bad day#its kind of funny#like my therapist is right I wouldn't be half as mean to my loved ones as i am to myself#but like sometimes it seems like the christina my friends know and the christina in my head#are like two different people#I feel like im somehow lying to all of you#like you'll figure out im not worth shit sooner or later#sorry to keep whining on the dash but i don't have a a t.witter or b.luesky so this is my void to shout into#negativity tw
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