#i dont want to keep sounding so self pitying

[ganondoodle]

just after i crawled my way out of that 'art-low' and i got myself excited to work on the rough draft for chapter2- i suddendly just crash and burn again bc i cant get the thought out of my head that im not a good writer either actually and my ideas are comically boring

do i really have to fight my own brain over and over again for the rest of my life (ㆆ_ㆆ)

[britneyshakespeare]

every time i have to explain this shit to somebody. especially over text. bc the sudden need has arisen and i need to prompt someone asap. i hate this. makes me wanna just disappear and die. I HATE HAVING TO KEEP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT MY TRAUMA IN ORDER TO PROTECT MYSELF!!!!!! IT DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER OR SAFER BUT KEEPING IT TO MYSELF MAKES ME FEEL ACTIVELY WORSE

the way i have to be constantly defensive about and around him makes me feel nothing like myself

[tadpolesonalgae]

i've read the last chapter twice and i honestly thought things would go a different way? idk i thought even if running away didn't work with the magic that maybe she got at least a bit of a backbone, it kinda feels like running to eris and have all that guilt on top of the one she already had was all for nothing. i wanna root for her but at a certain point she's really doing all this to herself. i thought the reunion would warrant some well deserved anger from both parts like a climax of sorts, i guess it did it was just more depressing and defeated than the anger i was expecting. kinda wish we'd seen azriel or even mor tell the others too

and i'm sorry but how did she pick the weirdest way to off herself 😭 like there are so many easier ways, even just with the arrow just stab it through your heart, she definitely wouldn't hit azriel like that and she remembered the wards but didnt think to mind speak to call rhys and feyre? like i get she was in shock but i just dont know how she's so smart but keeps making the dumbest decisions. i also thought the prophecy meant she'd kill him with her powers not just this

i'm sorry if this sounds a bit critical, the chapter was beautifully written as always, you're really amazing at conveying emotion, the reason it's so frustrating to see her stay stuck in her self pity is because of how well you write it but i just thought there would be more happening when she came back - 🧶

Okay…I have some thoughts drifting around in my head so I hope I’ll express them in a coherent fashion 😬😭🧡💛 (though this did get a little long, sorry 🫣🫂)

So, first of all, I think some people probably were expecting anger or some kind of emotional detonation, but in my experience anger and frustration take a lot of energy to sustain and I don’t believe reader—where she was at that moment—was capable of directing her resentment anywhere but herself? She’s exhausted from being alive; she doesn’t have the energy nor the instinct to become angry with Azriel or any of the IC.

I know this is a fanfic, so it would be quite simple to have her ‘fixed’ after visiting Eris, but that scene was supposed to be the first moment of catharsis, where reader is able to physically exhaust a portion of her magic that has been straining on her. It’s mentioned (I think in acomaf, and we also see it with Nesta in acosf) that Rhys has to constantly have magic in use to relieve the pressure it puts on him or else it will drive him insane, so reader needed to have some kind of release moment since her magic wasn’t able to manifest correctly.

I’d also like to mention that I think it might seem underwhelming or anticlimactic in some lights because it is frustrating in a way to see someone continuously be unable to stand up for themselves and just kind of melt into a puddle on the floor? Particularly if they aren’t entirely deserving of certain behaviours and it would be simpler to fix if the person just took a stand and stopped muddling about the place 😭

‘kinda wish we'd seen azriel or even mor tell the others too’

With this, do you mean that reader ran away to Eris, or that she tried to end herself, because I’m pretty sure both of those will be spoken about in chapter 16 if that’s any consolation! 🧡💛

Okay, onto the method of suicide! (Yes, I acknowledge it was a weird choice, certainly a more unintentionally flamboyant approach)

So, since she’s fae (I can’t actually remember if decapitation works?) I’m pretty sure ash is the only thing that can actually kill her? Which limited the options quite significantly? I suppose she could have taken a large dose of faebane to reduce her healing and then ended herself in a more ‘human’ (?) way?

Personally though, there were a couple a reasons I wanted to use the crossbow and arrow!

First of all, using a crossbow, letting reader set it up, knowing she just has to knock into a book and then it will be out of her hands? It’s passive. She’s again letting things be taken out of control—I didn’t want her first moments of real autonomy to be trying to end herself (though that might have been very impactful for a different direction of the story) (I’m also not counting her giving away the earrings since that wasn’t something she did entirely for herself)

Secondly, the Crossbow itself was lying inside the House of Wind, along with various other weapons and blades that the IC are just too accustomed to—I want a specific reason for the IC to understand what sort of problems are happening with reader. While I don’t feel it’s expressly their fault (again, I feel it’s passive, not active—they didn’t intend for their distance to have a negative impact on her, though it did anyway) they will feel responsible that she used something of theirs to hurt herself with.

Then, Eris was the one who gave reader the ash arrow and I would like to have a reason to elaborate on what’s going on in the background (which I’m scared I won’t do well 🫣)

Admittedly this is a slightly strange reason, but I think from reader’s perspective and without being able to understand az’s side, he’s seemed quite cold/distant from her due to external pressures and I wanted this to serve as a reminder that despite how bad things are right now he does still care about her? Not romantically or anything obviously, but he doesn’t want any of the people he cares about to be hurt where he can help it so this felt like a good circumstance that would set their reconciliation (not reconciliation, but their distance closing I guess?) in motion and give them a reason to actually pay attention to one another and figure out what’s going on

(Lastly, this one is more an allegory than anything, but being shot through the heart by an arrow is usually something done by Cupid. So revolving around her love for Azriel and how it’s kind of messing her up? This is definitely a more indulgent reason though 😭)

For the mind speaking thing and why she didn’t call out for Rhys and Feyre—I’m not sure if I expressed it incorrectly but reader was suffering through an onslaught of pretty debilitating inclinations revolving around ending herself, and then the solution to those urges was stripped away from her when Azriel took the arrow instead so she’s having to grasp with the fact she’s still alive, she’s now responsible for murdering someone rhys, Feyre etc. love dearly, she’s killed someone she loves dearly, while also dealing with small glimpses from the war—she isn’t in the right headspace to think outside of those problems.

Also, I don’t feel daemati abilities are explained very clearly, but in my mind Azriel, Cassian, Mor etc. who aren’t daemati would be familiar enough with it (through speaking with Rhys) that they know roughly where to push within their mental expanse to search for a connection point. With reader who has only been fae for two years, has little to no experience with speaking mind to mind—I don’t feel it would be at all possible for her to figure out how to call for someone mentally when she can barely control her own magic and when neither Rhys nor Feyre would have a reason to be checking on her mentally when as far as they know she’s safe and with Az.

With the prophecy/vision that Elain got, all she explicitly sees is Azriel on the floor with blood around him then a flash of green. He looks dead but that’s not something Elain can determine just through visuals just yet—no, Azriel is not dead, but he comes close enough to imitate it!

‘i'm sorry if this sounds a bit critical, the chapter was beautifully written as always, you're really amazing at conveying emotion, the reason it's so frustrating to see her stay stuck in her self pity is because of how well you write it but i just thought there would be more happening when she came back - 🧶’

I think it was critical but I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all and really appreciate it!! 🧡💛 It wasn’t malicious or mean and I really enjoy hearing your opinions on cbmthy’s storyline because it helps me adapt and shape the direction of the plot—seriously, I love getting to hear your thoughts, thank you so much for taking the time to articulate them, it’s such a massive aid 😭🧡💛 I hope none of my replies felt too harsh or absolute, and I would love to know if you have any other thoughts on the storyline!! 🧡💛

[vampmilf]

ty! 🙏 (yea she won't see bcs I won't reblog lol), anyway she and some other friends we've been tight since teenage years (we're 30+ now), but she always had a bit of self esteem issues thanks to her mom who drilled to her that public image is EVERYTHING. (her family drama is insane too bcs her dad left them when she was born so she grew up with her mom and step-dad, who she learned at 20yo had a whole ass other family in the same town... They separated and her mom went deep into conspiracy groups, and I mean flat-earth level conspiracies 😭 we're a small Europe country this is not US.... Her mom is now secretly dating a twice younger guy who also has a wife and a baby kid....)

Anyway those insecurities would often be projected on her friends and it often felt like she's ranking us by "coolness", whatever that means. She's tall and conventionally pretty so sometimes she'd look at me silently and say "I'm so glad I have nice legs.." or shit like that. She'd also constantly call herself fat bespite being the skinniest of all. That type of thing, but we knew it's part of childhood trauma so we'd brush it off. Whatever.

Then she started dating a guy who's on a paper a perfect feminist but actually is just a loser asshole. He would give her only backhanded compliments, like if she was making a gourmet dinner for hours he'd go "mm it's not really good. But it's okay you tried and I didn't expect anything anyway. I still love you." ��� In front of all guests. And she'd laugh and say "yeah he knows me best I don't know much in the kitchen he's so much better 🥰" 🤮🤮 She had to BEGGG and NAG for a wedding ring because he didn't want to get married and they had many arguments about it! And she kept saying to us "I don't really love him but I'm not gonna get anyone else so.." 😬 Or "yeah I'll break up" but didn't mean it. Every time I was meeting her I got so upset because she didn't want help and she thoroughly enjoyed her shitty situation she herself created! So she'd beg to meet with me, trauma-dump and then leave all happy and relieved, and I was feeling like shit for a week until I decided I need to really distance myself because this wasn't normal at all. So we barely talked. She still invited me to her wedding which I attended but I won't lie it was hard watching all the picture perfect wedding when I knew all the shit behind it. (and that shit was to the level she once mentioned that she was feeling really sick from contraceptics but there was no other option bcs her feminist bf refused to use condoms 🙄).

She asked to meet for a coffee today, we haven't seen each other in a while and to be honest it was kind of nice, she seems a lot better now and a lot less of her bs, so I did enjoy listening that her life seems to go on track finally (they're buying a house that she always dreamed about). But I didn't push for details. We talked for 3h and not once did she ask how I'm doing. I used to be salty about that, but today I realized I don't really want her to know how I'm doing. I just don't care. I'm glad she's ok but I'm also a bit sad for past me, because honestly I could have stopped caring so much sooner.

Idk there's no ending message only that some people enjoy fucking up their lives and there's literally nothing you can do for them 🤷‍♀️

oh. my god. i dont even know where to start WOW

the family backstory hello???? insane start to just set the scene, holy fuck.

the boyfriend sounds like and absolute fucking loser asshole i hope he goes incontinent at age 35, refusing to wear condoms and esp if contraceptives make your gf sick is absolutely fucking vile jfc

but also the whole. some people just want to stay in shitty situations forever and keep complaining about it instead of changing anything and all you can do is watch them wallow in self pity for eternity. been there done that. had a friend whos bf treated her like dog shit and every other week theyd have a fight and break up and she sat sobbing on my couch for hours and id spend nights awake texting and calling and comforting her – only for her to get back together with him a few days later. i stopped counting how many times they "broke up". idk if she ever got out of it tbh, i broke off contact for other reasons so idk

but yeah :/ its not just relationships, i know people who are stuck in a variety of issues and shitty situations and some of them just. dont really put in any effort to get out of them? they just go "this sucks and everything is unfair anyways" and just call it a day with that.

you have to keep in mind ofc that its also not easy to break out of cycles but esp in cases like yours where she had the support to make it through an actual breakup, .... some people just dont want change. for whatever reasons 🤷🏻‍♀️

all you can do is let them make their own decisions and either keep showing support and offer a shoulder to cry on, or decide this is affecting yourself too negatively and distance yourself

[tojisun]

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

[ziggystrdust]

stupid motivation for me to start writing my fic. enjoy <3 (it’s long but i swear it funny)

James Potter was only one hour into his shift, and he felt like a zombie. The only thing he could think about was how much he hated the fucking sun. Ever since he was a kid he loved the sun, and his mother used to joke that he had his own little sun growing inside of his chest where his heart was supposed to be, but even sweet stories about his mom that make him cry at night weren't enough to distract him. It was currently 90 degrees, and he wished the sun would go fuck itself. He was hot, sweaty, tired and most importantly (in his order of importance) bored.

It's like Sirius could sense his best friend’s despair, because James was only wallowing in self-pity for one minute when he felt his walkie-talkie buzz with Sirius’ voice.

“Prongs, should we grab this kid with the blue crab trunks on and take him somewhere far, far away? He is so bloody annoying. Over.” He was talking about a attention-hungry boy who kept trying to splash water at Sirius. James tilted his head to the right to find that Sirius was looking at the kid out of the corner of his eye like he was the most repulsive thing on planet Earth.

“Please god yes. I’ll grab him, then pass him to you, and you run. Over.”

“Will you two please shut the fuck up. No kidnapping children. Do your job.”

“Awwww Mary baby, I haven’t heard from you in forever! over” cooed Sirius.

“Stop saying fucking over! You dont need to! There is literally no need!!”

“But how will you know when we’re done talking, Mary my love? Over” This time James was the one teasing her, sending a cheeky grin to the pool attendant's desk, where a very annoyed-looking Mary was sitting.

“Probably by the fact that no more fucking words would be coming out of your mouth!”

“I didn't know I could do that”

Mary sighed in a way that made James sure she was rolling her eyes. He didn’t even have to check. “Do what James” She sounded like an annoyed mother, tired of her children’s nonsense.

“Cum out of my mouth”

“HOLY SHIT JAMES! YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!”

James heard Sirius’ evil-sounding laugh from across the pool deck.

“I’m turning my walkie off. If Minnie says something important, I'm blaming it on you that I can't hear it. Fucking childre-“

She was cut off by a sharp click, and James knew she had actually turned it off. He looked over and saw Mary glaring at him while putting her walkie down on her desk.

“Dude, people keep giving me dirty looks cause they can hear yall screaming from my walkie” That was the voice of the oh-so-lovely Marlene this time, who was sitting on the lifeguard chair by the kiddy pool.

“They can hear us?”

“Yes Sirius, everyone around me can hear you guys, especially when you yell like a fucking idiot”

James looked over to see Surius giving him a wide, mischievous smirk, before lifting up his walkie-talkie to his mouth and beginning to scream into it.

“SHE’S NOT A CERTIFIED LIFEGUARD! I HAVE NO CLUE WHO SHE IS! RUN AWAY! I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE! SHE WANTS TO KIDNAP YOUR CHILDREN! RUN RUN RUN!”

“PADS WHAT THE FUCK” James could barely hear Marlene’s panicked yell over the sound of his own wild laughter.

[jokerlennon]

ranking every chess in concert song instead of paying attention to this stupid movie. prologue 7/10 its a great way to start but its not much the story of chess 6/10 fun exposition or whatever but i honestly do not care that much. merano/what a scene what a joy 10/10 i love you commie newspapers 8/10 in fiiiiive different languages press conference 8.5/10 i was bored the other day and looped this until i could answer the questions with him molokov and anatoly 9/10 idk i just like this one where i want to be 10/10 self explanatory difficult and dangerous times 7/10 fun! the arbiter 9/10 hes so silly hymn to chess 6/10 i dont care :-( merchandisers 6.7/10 it mentions rubiks cubes yay global tv fanfare 4/10 sounds good but i dont like global chess game #1 im not rating chess games. idk arbiter reprise 8/10 hes so gay quartet 10/10 i louve you florence and molokov 9/10 GET HIM FLORENCE 1956 7.6/10 omg my second favourite school holiday nobody's side 9/10 i love you florencey mountain duet 8/10 wheres daddy dead or in the kgb made me hate freddie so much the first time around chess game #2 idc sorry florence quits 9/10 yayyyy pity the child 7.8/10 hes so... embassy lament 7.6/10 silly :-) heaven help my heart 7.6/10 idk this one just doesnt grab me im so sorry bestie anatoly and the press 7/10 i hear you're world champion since yesterday that's still good! athem 11/10 i have issues golden bangkok 6/10 another instrumental one night in bangkok 10/10 top ten songs to loop over n over one more opponent 8/10 like how the titles seems to be saying freddie but its surprise svetlana. you and i 9/10 💕 the soviet machine 9.6/10 fun fun fun the interview 8/10 freddie is so suck the deal(no deal) 11/10 this is everything pity the child #2 10/10 fredddieeeeee i know him so well 9/10 anatoly doesn't deserve two so awesome women tbh. talking chess 9/10 i want to talk chess. chess? not rating the endgames bc i keep mixing them up. you and i (reprise) 10/10 i hate this walter and florence 9/10 i hate this even more anthem (reprise) bye bye

[cheeseandbretboy]

who knew not fixating on self harm and starving would give me a personality this is like the first time in my life i have gotten a personality and i didnt even realise it small habits build up and i have a whole cottage with little shelves full of my ideas and maybe i cant hoard absolutely all the media and knowledge possible but that cottage exists and anytime i like i can go in and choose an old bound book or framed piece of art or absolutely anything and admire it and its there it really is guys trust me maybe this is what sherlock bbc (2010) meant by a mind palace it doesnt have to be for useful things but just things i think about like how sad my mother makes me sometimes and how much i want to pet a fluffy cow and thats enough and im happy and what interesting intelligent people i have around me and the access to resources i have and leisure i finally have something beautiful and flowing and airy and unending and swirly and different to live for and i get why most people live this way because its great, youre not constantly wallowing in self pity or hatred against others but just observing the world around u and just getting some stuff done its amazing and the fact i would give it up for something that i cant even explain a reason for is baffling and idiotic i know it is because i have the chance to do even better and feel even better with it but i keep thinking about what an idiot i used to be and i love myself for that i love that i was able to experience it because i think i was destined for it with my mother and innate feelings and im glad i got it over and done with but turns out when somethings a bit wrong you cant just get done with it and it might come back and i dont want it to but i keep thinking and god i felt unstoppable and so bratty because i wasnt focused on living at all and i would tell people that i told them i didnt care about now i care when im 18 and have the rights to make myself happy with both my home and body because i couldnt possibly live while being unhappy like that but turns out it was too long for me to handle and im actually trying to live now i mean thats why i only did well in school because that would matter anything else didnt matter so i did stupid stuff i still have the journals and im still journalling and omg i realised today is the day i started cutting a few years ago and maybe thats a good day to think about the past i would go to getting sober/clean apps and websites with no intention of stopping and i just had no aura wasnt skibidi rotting in my gooncave ok im stopping,... maybe with the emergence of brainrot i really havent gotten better since then i love talking about myself in the past because everything felt present right now im looking back or forward but when im doing shit and going crazy thats when everything feels real when i would collapse on roads at midnight and lay there looking up at the few stars and calling my friend who was cutting himself every third day and attempting every month or so but i had no care for him not really and i look back and i want to kill myself for acting like that because he came back from attempting and my other friend was in tears and the whole time i had this vacant expression and was so casual i was just so out of it nothing was real why am i contradicting myself sm hold up that does nawt sound right but anyways i can listen to some music i can flip through the journals i can look at my scars and it all floods back to me and i have this unexplainable urge to do it all again but worse because im nothing without that but i realise i do have something now i just cant recognise it and what a dull topic to talk about guys ive got to get back to my room all my things are there like maos and basil plants and journals and my broken fan (i am glad to be away from that, i pray each night that it doesnt fall on me and slice me into pieces because it will someday) and my cds and dvds AND M Y H A R D D R I V E and my bed and my frying pan and see sometimes i think about how weird it is that ive had to hide stuff from everyone

[mariahcareyfan1738]

vibes and stuff v3 12624

i keep fucking this up, third times the charm...

i feel lost in my own head nowadays. swimming through infinite oceans of music, sometimes drowning in their waves, sometimes slowly swimming through them, or, like today, letting their power wash over me.

words cannot describe the spiritual connection i have between myself, my soul, the energy that i have within me, and the music that i listen to. the deeper i go, the more divine it gets. the more i understand how much it means to me, the less words i have to convey it.

this seems wonderful doesnt it? so why do i feel so trapped?

___

the type of energy that you feel when watching something beautiful is increased exponentially when you watch someone have a similar reaction. both of your energies together become larger than the sum of their parts. you end up somewhere special. it has been so long since i have been able to truly share my love of music with someone else. this isnt something that would be an issue if i was truly alone, as i was in the past. the issue now is that i am in constant contact wiith people that i feel as though do not anything akin to the same spiritaul connection to music that i do, and that truly is the most isolating feelnig i can imagine .

crying to music, seeing how it brings people together, the raw passion that many perform with, and when i try to share how important this is to me, i get silence followed by 30 seconds of irony drenched "humor" that nobody even makes an attempt to laugh at anymore.

"we're your only friends, mariahcareyfan1738"

"dont remind me"

i want, so desperately, to find people that have a similar spiritual connection to music that i do. that understand why some things make me cry. that can understand when some things dont make sense to bring up. that i can truly be vulnerable around when it comes to music and art. that will speak as much as i do about the things that make them tick. but to even bring this up, to even attempt to discuss why these things are so important to me would be me again breaking the culture of irony that surrounds me.

i hate this term, but being around people that are so violently low vibrational is really bad for everybody involved, including me. i know this sounds like i have a superiority complex, and maybe i do, but i truly just think that some groups find their depth in a nihilistic shithole of language. that absurdity is the only language they speak, and to translate anything that resembles a genuine idea to their minds would require me coating everything im saying with a thick layer of plausible deniability so i can a. pretend that i dont actually care that much when the dice rolls on the "i dont care" face i dont look like a moron or b. attempt to inspire the listener to have a 5% buy-in to whatever im saying by slowly removing the irony from my verbage. either way, i am using unintuitve language concepts to discuss eelings people get degrees to express to an audience that, frankly, could give less of a shit.

i was thinking about deleting the app we chat both yesterday and today, but when i got the dopamine rush of potential human contact, those thoughts went out the window, but now that i am here, alone, no headphones, no sound but the sound of my keyboard and the whirring of my computer fans, i feel a solace that i find is somehow lacking when i hear the 50th nettspend joke in a four hour time span.

somehow.

this is so long. i feel like ive been writing for both hours and minutes. im just looking for ways to say that i want higher vibrational people around me. people that have stronger connections to their souls. people that look inwards before outwards. people that know what makes their spirit tick. people that are in love with what they love. people that dont see self pity as a tool to be wielded with impertinence, but instead as an accidental reaction to suffering they are experiencing.

ill probably write more tomorrow. if im not going to be talking to anybody else, i guess its just me and

me

[gu6chan]

played DND for the first time today!!!!!!

it was a lot of fun omg, thinking i might make updates on this blog but our cast is

dragonborne named laiona bane i think, whose a 16 y/o divine sorcerer pyromancer/healer living on their own after their whole criminal gang got arrested and they were let off being considered a hostage because SURELY there would be no way someone favoured by the gods could do anything evil!!! so now theyre running a brothel that fronts as a bar/inn and is constantly causing arson and chaos wherever she goes. her bodyguard hates her

her bodyguard (meeeee!!!! :D) Margarette who is a 195cm (6 foot 4) 36 y/o woman paladin who was raised by a fairy to take the place of his dead son??? brother???? family members in a VERY isolated forest made up entirely of faeries save for the one (1) temporary human settlement her father helped run before it fell apart. anyways her father WAS very loving but she'd has been having a crisis since discovering she's a woman AFTER her father passed away and said human settlement collapsed and just trying to figure out "What being her own person and not an extension of a dead one means/what is this whole woman thing about/what does this do/what are THESE/what the fuck, dad" and lived as the ONE human with a bunch of jackass faerie neighbours before going on a quest of ✨self-exploration✨ (in which she "chose" the name margarette for herself, since it sounds "woman" enough??? which is what she is, she supposes, since she's OBVIOUSLY not her father's dead relative is what she's learned!!!) she enters the first bar she sees after a while and is immediately suspicious of it THEN after confronting the owner (laiona) about it she's like "...do you need somewhere to work?" and now is living as a personal bodyguard for her. she Very Notably sounds like a grown man and is a dick to Everyone

A poor centaur farmer girl named Valerie living a normal life on the farm with her father and goes to their town to sell vegetables and goes to get a quick bite to eat/place to stay the night at laiona's """inn"""" and 1. ends up having to sleep outside because they don't have any rooms that fit her 2. ends up getting harassed by a 40 y/o wizard drunk off his ass from 1 beer who eats an entire hamburger staring her dead in the eye the entire time. she gives him a carrot in pity because he looks about to keel over (he looks 80). margarette calls her "horse" and she's very sad about it :(

said 40 y/o wizard named Mangor who lives in some EXTREMELY magical old forest with probable great importance off in the corner of the map??? he befriends animals and puts them in his little book and then releases them when he needs to like pokemon. he has a lava snail he uses for travel that he keeps under his hat called Schnecke and it was his first friend. he came the whole 1400+ miles for a burger because they dont have them in the Forest of Elders only to get drunk off of one beer, eat a carrot and stumble out onto the street. margarette didn't like him she wanted him out IMMEDIATELY but liona was very fond of him which is where things start up :)

SO the plot is

After Valerie turns in for the night Maggie sees Mangor stumbling drunk through the streets, and being AWFULLY suspicious he might be a secret informant of the knights templar she grabs him and drags him by the foot back to give him a room for the night and prevent him from leaving till she gets a read on just WHAT is going on, BUT liona catches them and is like "omg its that guy from earlier. hes kinda silly isnt he lol" and knowing exactly where she was going maggie was like "No the fuck you do NOT" anyways she makes her get him a new pair of pants and another burger (She is not pleased about this being JUST paid to be a bodyguard and now additionally having to act as a personal maid for this drunk perverted wizard, but liona was like "DO IT or ur working with the hoes tonight" rip margarette.... 😭) AND she made them bunk with each other. maggie made him sleep on the floor lmao he has night terrors So MEANWHILE liona's like "You know what Margarette. we should get out more. lets do a few quests, have a few adventures etc i wanna try this guy out he looks like he could use it" which maggie ALSO is not a fan of bc she always has to get her out of trouble when they do and they were also interrogated by an officer of the knights templar EARLIER (Which Liona got out of by citing several protection clauses and laws and constitutional amendments that did not exist) so they should Absolutely Not Ever leave the bar alone at that point in time

but liona absolutely does NOT listen and instead gathers them all to find a steed, which she picks as the poor farmer girl who was staying overnight to they go out to her stable like "Hey. how much do you charge if we were asking you to travel ~ miles" and maggie's like "you COULD ask me and i could get it for free for us if i wanted (by threatening her). lol. lmao even" but it chalks up to 30 gold. anyways they go to sleep and all wake up in some fuckoff cave, maggie wakes up first, IMMEDIATELY blames the wizard but seeing he has no idea whats going on she checks on Valerie, and finally (even if she REALLY didn't want to) gives up to report to her boss. they all check outside the cave, which is on a cliff and liona tries scaling, only to fail but not DIE fortunately So they continue deeper into the cave, only to find a sort of??? curved hallway? thing, though its thin to where they have to walk in a line. the walls are made of mist, and after maggie tries to put her hand through one she finds you can go right through it. liona ties herself to some rope to see where the mist leaves with maggie holding the other end to keep track of her and so she can pull her back if needed, except its found that it actually LOOPS and liona comes right back out from the OTHER wall. both she and mangor go crazy with this and are just running loops while Valerie and Margarette are standing there like "i hate my life" Eventually the rope DOES somehow get used up and liona can't run any further so Maggie makes her run back 😭 BUT she suddenly hears her father calling for her, causing her to turn around and then suddenly everyone is gone, mangor gets lost from the group and liona also turns around when she notices margarette's no longer holding the rope, which ALSO separates her from the rest of the group. the only one whose left standing is valerie, who eventually comes across Margarette and calls out for her but is ignored as Margarette continues to search for the voice of her father. Valerie eventually is forced to turn around when Liona finds HER though and decides to smack her on the ass, forcing her to turn around before LIONA is "confronted" by the officer of the knight templar from before who says they've completely destroyed the tavern. meanwhile Mangor eventually gets a little anxious and eventually takes off his hat to hold his snail (It made a very nice popping noise as it was pulled off his bald head) and holds it in his arms for a while BEFORE HIS FUCKING SNAIL LOOKS BACK AND VANISHES INTO THIN AIR which causes mangor to have a complete balls to the wall agonised meltdown 😭 meanwhile valerie turns around AGAIN hearing the voice of her father calling for her to come back to the farm and margarette does as well trying to go back to look for liona and the rest, and now things are starting to look a bit,,,, wrong???? the mist is more bloody and the ground turned from porcelain tiles to kinda,,, bad sludge and eventually it gets to where its just flesh and hardened blood for walls, not great!!! AND THEN!!! liona has turned around SO many times she eventually hears something sneaking up behind her and TRIES to fight it off, turns around AGAIN and is safe for like 3 seconds before she realises she's in some place so dark she can't even cast a spell to light it up. she eventually gets grabbed and pulled into this strange monster that just crushes her from the sides until all her bones are broken and she dies the SECOND to go is valerie, who ironically only looked back twice and was DETERMINED to keep going since she was the first to figure out the whole "Turning back = not good" gimmick. She hears something approaching from behind and STARTS attempting an attack but it grabs onto her before she can, latches onto her legs from behind and flattens her to death with its fists :( rip valerie....

anyways while those two were being met with gruesome deaths, Margarette starts hearing something sneaking up behind her after trying to call out for her father and stays STILL, debating whether or not to try calling out for the OTHERS or stay quiet and try to time an attack against this thing without looking back by stabbing it from behind her waist with her polearm, and Mangor who ALSO started to hear footsteps did the exact opposite by repeatedly looking behind him to try and get away from whatever was approaching him 😭 ends up backfiring though till he eventually casts a poison spell and IMMEDIATELY fills the entire vicinity with poison which he promptly breathes in and dies from khfgkdfhsghkdjf not before seeing the "monster" that was stalking him which was a charred version of himself with a gaping maw for a mouth tho

The last one to go is Maggie who I'm ngl I was surprised to see her last this long BUT she SEVERELY messes up her timing trying to stab behind her only to have her polearm grabbed and yanked BACK instead, and eventually got pulled back by what felt like a bunch of little hands yanking at her clothes. she tries for her javelins before it grabs her bag and ALMOST considers just stripping and letting go of all her weaponry, items, etc. to at least get out alive but at that point it ends up touching her skin directly and literally burning it off before she gets completely devoured by "whatever" this is 😔 as it turns out she was the only one NOT to die/have a direct encounter with an otherworldly silent hill-ass creature, but Mangor's pet snail 😭😭😭

anyways, they all wake up on a road thoroughly traumatised and confused and that's where we left off for the first round!!!! it was a lot of fun!!!!!!!! Here's Maggie btw!!! she's an actual OC for a different story of mine :)

[ganondoodle]

i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

[nightguide]

FUCK THE CAMERA: sarcasm turned physical

LIKE THIS WILL HELP YOU SOUND LIKE A SMARTASS WITHOUT YOU SOUNDING LIKE A JACKASS ON TV (INTERVIEWERS HATE YOU BEING SCIENCY WITHOUT YOU BEING AN ASSHOLE FIRST) FUCKING LEE PACE MY ASS IF HIS EYES NOW TURN INTO HIS HAIRY STRAWBERRIES GONNA MAKE YOU DROOP FOR DROOP HIS WORD MAY TRYNA BE YOUR ROPE

P. 357

NEW COMPLEXES HATE TO DIVIDE YOU: PERSONA

I DONT REALLY THINK THEY KNOW THE REST OF IT, EVERYDAY IS FRIDAY SO THEY CALENDAR IRRELEVANT

BILABIAL (RATIO + SCREEN) : ASSHOLE ENERGY

P.22

'IN A MODERN DEATH SCENE, HOPE TURNS TO THE PROFESSIONAL 'HEALTH CARERS' WHO NATURALLY AND PROPERLY CONCENTRATE ON THE EXERCISE OF THEIR TRAINED SKILLS. THE EXPERTISE CAN INCLUDE THE GIVING OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, BUT INEVITABLY WHAT IS CHIEFLY REQUIRED IS THE ABILITY TO PREVENT, POSTPONE, OR REVERSE DEATH.'

RATIO: YOU'RE ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THE TIME WHERE YOU *BLACKS OUT* AND YOU *JIMMY FALLONS SMILE* AND YOU *STAMMERING OVER 'THE TRUTH' WITHOUT YOU CAMERA SOUNDING RACIST*

SCREEN: THAT IS NOT EVEN ALLOWED SO YOU LET THE INTERVIEWER (FUCKING GOMEZ ADAMS) SCREW YOU UP, SO SELENA TOOK YOUR JEWELLERY FOR FREE

POINT: THAT DUMB. ASS FUCK. STOLE MY CREDIBILITY FOR FREE

BILABIAL MEANS YOUR LIPS, SO SHE STOLE YOUR MICROPHONE FOR A SHITTY SINGLE SHE AINT GONNA WEAR

LABIODENTAL: (SCREEN + CAMERA MAN AT THE BACK) : BIG DICK ENERGY

P. 55

'MANY SUCH PATIENTS REPORTED HEARING A LOUD NOISE WHICH MIGHT BE MUSIC, SEEING DARKNESS, FLOATING ABOVE THE HOSPITAL BED, RAPIDLY REVIEWING THEIR LIVES WITH SELF-CRITICISM, FEELING DRAWN THROUGH A TUNNEL TO A BRILLIANT LIGHT WHICH AT FIRST COULD BE FRIGHTENING,'

SCREEN: IF YOU KNOW YOUR PASHTO (LANGUAGE THAT CAN ACTUALLY BE HEARD IN THE INDO-AFRICAN REGIONS OF THE HIMALAYAS) THEN YOU KNEW ONES ABOUT THE END TIMES, YOU KNEW ABOUT THE WORLD IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO TURN INTO STONE ONE DAY THAT YOU'LL EVENTUALLY LIVE THAT BIBLICAL VERSION OF THE END TIMES LIKE YOU SEEN ON AMERICAN DAD THAT HAD NO POINT THAT YOU HAD SOME INTEREST IN 'LEAVING' LIKE DEMI'S RACIAL BACKFIRE TO YOU

CAMERA MAN AT THE BACK: YOU HATE BEING 'THERE' SO YOU HATE WEDDINGS AS MUCH AS THAT ONE PASHTUN SPEAKER DOES IF SHE WAS DISABLED, NOW TO THE POINT WHERE LEE PACE IS NOW KNOWN AS AN HONOURED MAN. HE CANNOT SPEAK IT BUT LIVED IT, NOW U BLACK AUNTY THAT ESCAPES THE PRISONBREAK SITUATION IN YOUR MIND

POINT: THERE IS NO CAMERA. THE OBJECT IS YOU, THERE IS NO JW UMMAH KILLING YOU

LABIODENTAL MEANS LIPS AND TEETH SO SELENA MADE YOU REJECT YOUR BREATH FOR HER WILL TO GO ON (THAT CONTRACT IS DESTROYED INSTANTLY, THERE IS NO KING OF SWEETHEARTS)

INTERDENTAL: (SELENA GOMEZ + HATER) : STONE COLD (DEMI LOVATO COVER)

P. 137

'IF YOU CRY TO GOD TO PITY YOU, HE WILL ONLY TREAD YOU UNDER FOOT'

SELENA GOMEZ: DIALOGUE IS COMPLETELY YOU BUT THIS IS NOT EVEN WHY YOU HATE HER, YOU HATE ME FOR NOT BEING WITH YOU BUT YOU HATE THE VIBE THAT SHE IS GIVING, SO YOU HAVE A VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW THAT SAYS 'DONT DO' THEN OPPOSE THAT, SHE AINT YOUR BOSS OR GOD, YOU SERVE YOUR HEART NOT YA FUCKN MIND.

HATER: LIKELY GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU LET 'THE NEW DEMI LOVATO SURVIVE' THAN THE LATTER OF, YOU KNOW YOUR BESTIES BY BABY THOUGHT AND THATS HOLLYWOOD

POINT: YOU KNOW A GUY AND THATS THE GUY I REFERENCED, KEEP A HEALTHY CATALOGUE OF UR JOURNEYS IS WHAT SELENA HATES, SHE HATES IT IF YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER (PURELY JW)

INTERDENTAL MEANS THE GAP BETWEEN THE TEETH, SO SHE TOOK YOUR WORTHINESS THAN YOU BEING THERE FOR YOURSELF TO LIE AND LET IT ALL BE BECAUSE YOU HATE EVERYTHING

VELAR: (MATT SMITH IN DOCTOR WHO THAN YOU BEING THERE + I HATE YOU DICKHEAD FUCK ASS BITCH DICK HEAD 2) : PEOPLE DYING PURELY BECAUSE THE SHITTY SCENARIO EXISTS TO MAKE SURE THE DEAD IS DEAD OUT OF PETTY TALK

P. 136

'SUCH A CREATURE WOULD BE BOUND TO GO ENDLESSLY MAD.'I WILL CALL NO BEING GOOD'

MATT SMITH IN DOCTOR WHO THAN YOU BEING THERE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'PRIDE' LIKE BE IN THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO BUT YOU KNOW YOUR FICTIONAL BADASS IS YOU (WHAT LEE KNOWS ABOUT RIVER SEA IS TRUE)

I HATE YOU DICKHEAD FUCK ASS BITCH DICK HEAD 2: YOU HATE EVERYTHING TO LOVE YOURSELF BACK, THIS AINT THE END

POINT: YOU WON. THATS IT.

VELAR IS THE UVULA (DANGLY THINGY AT THE BACK OF UR MOUTH) SO SELENA KNOWS A FAMOUS FAMILY WHO THEY USED TO CONTROL YOU

PALATAL: (YOU + NATIVE LANGUAGE RELATIVITY ON SCREEN WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND ENERGY) : HATE IS ALREADY THERE IN FRONT OF YOU

P. 136

'HELL HAS BEEN BELIEVED TO BE THE FINAL DESTINY OF THE VAST MAJORITY OF HUMANKIND.'

YOU: EVERYBODY HAS A SEQUENCE WHEN THEY'RE WATCHING PUSHING DAISIES THAT I KEEP MOTION REFERENCING YOU TO FIND AND NOW YOU'RE IN IT, AND YOU NOTICE A GIRL WITH LACE OVER HER FACE AND YOU TALK TO HER, WHAT WILL SHE SAY AND WHY?

NATIVE LANGUAGE RELATIVITY ON SCREEN WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND ENERGY: YOU'RE ACTUALLY IN PUSHING DAISIES NOW YOU KNOW MY PIN BOARD CALLED 'SOMEBODY CITY' IS A DAVID BOWIE REFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!

POINT: YOU IN DAVID BOWIES M/V ON HIS WAY BACK FROM MARS, BRO!

PALATAL MEANS TONGUE ROOF AN THATS HOW SELENA EATS UR DREAMS CUZ SHE THINKS SHE DOESNT EXIST, SHE BILL NIGHY DEAD IN THE CAR IN SHAUN OF THE DEAD, SHE LONG GONE BRO. LEAVE HER ALONE

ALVEOLAR: (NOW U IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE WITH SIMON PEGG AN NICK FROST + SARCASM IS YOUR BRAIN) : BRATZ IS YOU NOW

NOW U IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE WITH SIMON PEGG AN NICK FROST: NED STARES AT YOUR PUSSY (MAN OR NOT) U IN HIS ENDGAME LIKE HE MASTERED THE SELENA GOMEZ MAN-FECTION MAN-FUCKTION, THAT IS ZOMBIE DAZE ZOMBIE DAYS AN HE LIVED IT (PD) HE AN THAT STRAWBERRY SQUIRREL CREAM PUFF AT THE SIDE LIKE ALL THE FCKIN TIME (HIS PURE ANTI-WATCH CLOCK ASHLEY TISDALE 9YO CUTE PATOOTIE)

SARCASM IS YOUR BRAIN: GOD HATES BLACK PEOPLE NOW, YOU'RE DEAD (ROOTS: TV SHOW IS COMPLETE)

POINT: YOU EATING WHO?

ALVEOLAR IS LIKE THE BRAIN THINGY FOR THE 'MMMM, YUMMY' BUT EVERYBODY TAKES THAT SHIT FOR GRANTED BUT WITHOUT IT, ITS LIKE THAT FOOD WILL EXPERIENCE THAT SAW RIDE YOU SAW AT THORPE PARK ON YOUTUBE BUT ITS ROCKY AND TERRIFYING TO EAT WITHOUT THE ROOF NIGGA ON THE TOP TAKING YOUR FOOD AWAY TO HEAVEN AND SELENA ATE YOUR PUSSY FOR FREE THINKING YOU THE ONE ON OMITB

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

There was a moment in time where I would have said things to make you stay...

All the words begging you not to go and never let go from my life..

But I know that it was selfish of me and needy of me ...

So I apologise over and over again in my head...

Fearing to say that I love you so...

Because of the way you might look at me in pity or disgust from my desperate self...

How far have I fallen into this pit of darkness... my emotional self writhing in pain like an endless vortex of pain.

Not wanting to be touched, and fearing to love again..

I keep denying myself that bravery to want to hold a heart again...

It is silly to feel this way they tell me ...

It is crazy to want to stay this way...

But it's all I knew from that day you stayed away from me was the day my heart died....

I never blamed you for the way I feel now because these feelings are of my own making...

I am just ashamed of myself for hurting a person I cared about so much..

For her to say stay away and when you told me: " Your scaring me. You sound like a stalker."

From that day I have been silenced, stayed away from people and am fearful to get close to people..

That childlike love has vanished...

All I can say is I can never look at love the same way.

Is this called maturity? Is this the way you saw me ...

I don't know the answer..

I know I will vanish one day and when I do I wonder what you would think of me then...

Even now when I am writing this I dreamt I was crying .. I was singing a song to mourn the loss of you .. I dont sing anymore because the soul has died... the songs just turn out to be dead tones ... When I wanted to coexist and make you the happiest, I made you sad instead and hate me. That is my biggest failure as a human being.

I stop thinking of love and will fight for survival instead...

I dont need anyone to make me happy...

I will fight for me...

I will defend myself from emotional hurt and take responsibility of my emotions.

I will not be hurt so easily anymore....

I will not be vulnerable and soft and stupid anymore.

I have learnt to love myself. Not waiting for others to love me back. I will be free and I will not let setbacks be the end of me ...

I wont be a looser that keeps crying.

I will rise up and cease the day !

I want to be stronger to protect the people who choose to stay in my life !

Stronger, Faster, More emotionally mature and financially stable !

Suffer for a reason and purpose !

If people don't want the warmth of the sun from me, then I shall be cold like a winter's night cutting through all my obstacles alone and unafraid..

[momiamtired]

i think this world just plays sick jokes with me. i really dont think i will be able to survive if ill continue to live like this. its not that bad i mean i have water, food, house, im studying. its just that i know what i could have. its unfair. i cant believe how unfair this world is. i know some people struggle much more but tbh i cant give a shit ab other people right now. my mental health was awful even before going to this country but right now i just cant believe how awful this all idea with abroad education could be. i had so much hope of going to see my family this summer, to see my cat, my friends, my friends who are able to come to my country only this summer. i just want to be a kid again. i just want to be free again. i just want to be happy again. im tired of all of this im tired so so so much. i have my finals soon. i guess i wont be able to even smile at that period. i miss my previous life. i never thought this all could become like this, my mind is going crazy too. my dad had ocd and it inherited to me ig so i always struggled with anxiety. now my mind tries to explain everythhing that happens to me with some logic or pattern and it feels like im going crazy. i pray every night even tho i dont believe in god. its just my mind trying to tell me that this world can not be that cruel and 100% there is some explanation to what is happening to me. i remember last time i experienced something like this when i was 15 and war only started and i would sit all day in my phone constantly and i cried a lot. i hated my life there bc i didnt do anything except sitting in the phone all time and i lived like this for 2 month i believe? i guess the situation rn is not that bad. i play games with my friends, i have money and tasty food and i dont feel like a failure like i lfelt back there. it just for some reason when things start to get a tiny little bit better to me for some reason everything is ruining and things get so bad that i literraly want to kill myself. i may be too confidant saying this but i believe that if i get some more pressure on my life i will do it. i just cant keep living like this. i met a boy recently and everything was so good. it was one of little to no good moments i experienced here. then he started ignoring me. i have an awful self esteem, i never had a bf or been ignored by guys. i guess i see myself as absolute trash ugly cow and then for some reason be surprised seeing boys not paying me that much attention. then i got a letter that i need to do my biometrics. basically it means that i cant go home anymore. fuck there is car in front of my house i swear to god is this is my roommate i would believe that god is real and he is a fucking satan. i want to pee really bad too and my other roommate washing rn. with her bestfriend waiting for her in her room. i want friends too. she is listening to some pop music. i hate americans i wish they all could die. why some peopel experience what i experience and some of them live like this. i will never believe that she had troubles at least as bad as i had. i know it sounds like im some kind of a slave and pity myself but this is true. and i pity myself. i guess its normal to pity myself when the whole world is just fucking ur ass like a monster. anyways, i cant go back to my country(my only chanse of being happy in this year and the reason why i keep wking up), i hate myself, i hate my appearence, i hate all people around me, im jealous of all of them even when its something small, im failing all of my classes, i dont have friends, the only boy i thopught i was good enough for and we had a good time and i genuanly liked him just ignored me and i decided to give him another chance and we are supposed to meet tomorrow but he said he will tell me when yesterday at the evening or today in the morning and he didnt tell me anything so i guess i lost him too, i have severe anxiety, i have money anxiety?, i dont know english and every time i speak with someone i feel so embarresed bc i always thinks i did something wrong or said something so they think

[nightmaredxydreams]

we just found the most deflective, persecutory quiz on quotev. its about why you cry. the author said not to get mad because they tell the truth and are right a lot so the quiz is accurate or something (sounds like a narcissist/gaslighter/mental abuser in general doesnt it?)

we answered honestly and heres our answer:

there is so much wrong with this where do i start.

first, "you cry because you dont get your way" is pathetic. theres mild things that people get annoyed by but i think experiencing a traumatic event, being verbally assaulted, or having mental disorders that affect outlook (depression or bipolar) or anything worth crying about is not "getting your way. "

the "you get bullied" is also pathetic. bullying has been proven to cause ptsd, depression, eating disorders and suicide. bullying victim here, it made our system bloom with alters that seem "extra and not necessary because they never front" and are walled off with no internal communication whatsoever. these alters held severe self hate and lack of trust in people. they did and said things i never would because of their pain and lack of trust. i have an entire year of my life lost to these alters. things i wish i remember and never will.

what the author doesnt realize is the feelings of "im miserable and worthless" often if not almost always come from trauma, especially in early childhood. which is why saying "you need to have some self respect and respect for others. you only see yourself. everythings about you" is ableist and insensitive. people who think theyre miserable and worthless especially if this is because of childhood trauma, have respect for others and none for themselves. they feel that way because they are comparing themselves to others their ptsd/cptsd distorted view has deemed better than them. people who feel miserable and worthless help others more than a confident person would, and even give up their own lives for the people they deem better than them. i thought that was common knowledge.

the "you need to wake up to reality, youre not the only one suffering, stop pitying yourself" part is insensitive to people with trauma and depression especially bipolar. okay duh, everyone suffers and no ones life is perfect. but its up to the person suffering to put their own suffering on a scale and measure it. lets take two people. one was physically abused and the other was trauma free until they were verbally assaulted by a stranger. people who dont get trauma and dont care to or dont know about ptsd will say "it was just one slur. get over it. people went through worse." but the physically abused person might be numb and not as affected by the abuse as the person who was verbally assaulted.

the part that has me the most bothered is "being sad all the time is basically calling for attention. no one wants to keep reassuring you about this and that" and "cut the crap" being sad all the time is not calling for attention. being sad all the time is a sign somethings wrong. this is commonly seen in child abuse victims. depression is often caused by trauma. and people with cptsd and dissociative disorders have little to no memory of their trauma, so they always need to seek reassurance something happened to them, they werent born broken. needing constant reassurance because of denial is a symptom of every post traumatic disorder. saying being sad all the time is basically calling for attention. no one wants to keep reassuring you about this and that" is invalidating very valid people with post traumatic disorders. it might lead one of them who gets easily severely triggered and does dangerous things when triggered, like me, into self destructive behavior, self harm and suicide.

the whole part at the end is guilt trippy. especially the karma thing. how the fuck is that related to the subject? are they trying to say "hey, i dont give a fuck and you just having human emotions is wrong, go get hit by a winnebago!" because its okay to have emotions. its okay to have trauma. its okay to feel like you have it worse. its okay to have mental disorders like depression and bipolar.

the picture is even worse. an ableist guilt trippy invalidating quote made inspirational quote style. glamorizing and beautifying ableism and invalidation of trauma is not going to get you anywhere or prove a point. it just makes you look like an insensitive, cruel fool.

this person probably posted that bc they have some unresolved trauma and a persecutory voice in their head that overwhelms them to the point they want to hurt others to release that persecutory pain. ive been there. i did some fucked up shit when i was younger because of that persecutory voice. invalidating other vulnerable people online is not the way to handle it. getting therapy is the way to handle it.

i think the persecutory voice is evident in the other results that glorify people being "truly hurt but strong" (the ableist "if you have emotions youre a weak piece of shit" view)

guilt tripping about crying again i see, "dont cry too much youll flood the world with your tears"

this is backhandedly nicer but still the same emotion shaming message if you read between the lines

youd never think the "oh my god you are sad all the time? youre such a shitty person go fuck yourself! " and this were typed by the same person. it seems like the author suffers with trauma or mental illness and has shame and a persecutory voice, so they vent their frustrations onto others like them and take sides. to them, youre a worthless piece of shit if you show your true emotions but youre going good if you dont, but its okay to show a little. thats the most fucked up thing we have ever heard. its morally neutral to do either of the three- bottle it up, let out a little, or always let it out.

i hope the author finds peace and therapy. theyre toxic right now and going to hurt someone with their words if they havent already. and they need to get educated on how trauma affects mental health before they just say shit and make a quiz for vulnerable people with trauma.

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Meenah Peixes

Act 6, page 5263

DAVE: yeah i saw it

DAVE: i was looking up in space doing a little monster gazing right

#daves private chill time #eldritch red lobster #bargain seafood buffet #bored

DAVE: when suddenly i thought my glasses shattered

#ben stiller almost fucking tornadoed in his grave

DAVE: but it wasnt the shades turned out it was space itself that cracked

#fuckin relief #best bro gave me these

DAVE: and i listened and i heard the screams and killing and stuff

#monsters dying #ghosts dying #atrocious problems

DAVE: havent slept well since that

DAVE: well i guess im sleeping alright at the moment

#oh yeah #i forgot

DAVE: cause im here in a bubble talking to you but yeah in general my shuteye has been boned up the protein chute

#troll anatomy #lewd #maybe?

DAVE: keeping myself busy with awesome projects helps a bit i guess

#awesome projects

MEENAH: then you must want to kill the guy even worse than me

MEENAH: why dont you join me we can fly away and fuck him up together 38)

#what good is a cape even #if you wont fly away to clobber badguys

DAVE: nope

#nah

DAVE: appreciate the offer but im just gonna hang tight and work on my ebubbles

#dave_ebubbles

MEENAH: e what

DAVE: ebubbles theyre awesome

#how is this not awesome

DAVE: its just some ridiculous shit i figured out how to do here

DAVE: this whole place runs on memories so ive been messing around with that

#just as long as you dont ask me how #we are cool

DAVE: turns out i dont even really need the internet for shenanigans i can just exploit the afterlife

MEENAH: the fuuuck

MEENAH: i know youre down in the dumps kid but that sounds like a stupid waste of time

#stupid waste of time

MEENAH: now come on lets go whale on a cherub

DAVE: nah

#yes lets #just fucking with you #no

DAVE: i mean

DAVE: i think i might be "supposed" to kill him anyway?

#air quotes

DAVE: thats the feeling i get like there are all these clues about that ive kinda noticed

#remember that bullshit about the pimp being in the crib? #hahaha oh god

DAVE: so if i am THE GUY that needs to take him down then fine ill do that if and when i get hornswoggled into some big showdown with a ridiculous green space pimp or whatever he is

#i heard he has a gold tooth #are you fuckin kidding me

DAVE: i dont know i think im not really cut out for the whole reluctant hero shtick

#im better at comics

DAVE: like the whole scene is so obvious and trite and i cant even tell if my reluctance is ironic or if im playing it straight

#reluctant before it was cool #and before i was willing

DAVE: like ill wonder if im being reluctant enough to cut it or if im actually just being reluctant to be reluctant

#how reluctant do you even have to BE to DOOOOO something like etc etc #sbahj

DAVE: it turns into like meta reluctance and then all i can think about is how fucking stupid the whole thing is

#i also think about puppets sometimes... #unrelated

DAVE: i think im probably just too self aware for this hero bullshit so dont even waste your time on me

#ironic self pity

MEENAH: wow

MEENAH: sooooo cooooooool

MEENAH: NOT