#im so tired of fighting myself
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just after i crawled my way out of that 'art-low' and i got myself excited to work on the rough draft for chapter2- i suddendly just crash and burn again bc i cant get the thought out of my head that im not a good writer either actually and my ideas are comically boring
do i really have to fight my own brain over and over again for the rest of my life (ㆆ_ㆆ)
#ganondoodles talks#random#i dont want to keep sounding so self pitying#sometimes i can fight these feeling#but sometiems it just feels like you just realized the truth about yourself#so fighting that is just lying to yourself#and i feel like im being so ungrateful everytime i feel like shit#bc i know there are people that like what i do#and just bc there are people that are better at everything that im doing or aspiring to do doesnt mean im useless#BUT IT ALSO FEELS LIKE IM WASTING MY TIME#even thoguh funnnily enough i wouldnt even know what WOULDNT be a waste of time bc ......#i dont ... have anything else#if you take away art and writing theres nothing left of me#kinda not surprising then that i keep accidentally tying my feeling of worth to the receiption of what i post#................ and losing followers in the hundreds on twitter espeically doesnt exactly help#though that is mostly bc im rting a ton of info about palestine and tbh idk if i would want people following me that are zionists or simila#still feels bad#AND I KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME IS WRONG OR IT SHOULDNT MATTER#but it still feels real#im so tired of fighting myself
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Lmao don't mind this just need to vent somewhere where people don't know me irl
#i am so fucking sick and tired of being compared to a child because of my adhd#i am fed the fuck up#its cruel#i get that some traits are childish#but whats so wrong with that?#why cant i want to be happy?#i was finally getting somewhere with my happiness#i was happy with being myself#only to be comparrd to a fucking child again#ny coworkers would always say (you remind me of my kid) or (i almost called you my sons name)#then the kid in question is 12 or 14#like#why#i just want to be happy#i just want someone to love me for me#why do i have to change myself for others#why cant i just be normal#im so tired of fighting myself#i tried to go on a drive to clear my energy like i normally would#but i had to turn around not even half way#cuz i realized im too suicidal to be driving at 11 at night on country roads#i couldnt even do the one thing that calms me becuasr im fucking broken#i just wanna be okay#i just wanna be happy#i just wanna die#and its not fair
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God I'm so tired of people acting like not wanting to attract a lot of (often negative) attention is somehow Capitulating To Bigots like. The other day I was talking to someone about my strategic deployment of pronouns based on how much of an issue I think a person is likely to make about it and they were like "oh I just do what I want I'm done catering to cis people" and I was like BUDDY. I LIVE IN THE RURAL SOUTH WANTING TO NOT HAVE TO CONSTANTLY GET INTO IT WITH PEOPLE ABOUT MY PERSONAL GENDER IDENTITY IS NOT CATERING TO CIS PEOPLE I HAVE A RIGHT TO WANT TO MOVE THROUGH THE WORLD WITHOUT CONSTANT INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT
Or like I was talking about how I hate swimwear options bc they're all revealing but if you choose to wear like, a t shirt and shorts, people still stare at you because that's socially unusual so it sucks either way and someone was like "I just do it anyway and if people don't like it they can die mad about it" and like... okay. I want to be able to go to the local pool and not either be uncomfortable with what I'm wearing or have people treat me weird about it. I would like for my presence and clothing choices to be considered neutral and it's fine for me to state that actually. This is not assimilationist or capitulating to people. It's going "hm I would love if stepping out my front door didn't have to be a revolutionary act!!!!!" Agghhhhh
#im visibly gnc all the time. i am not hiding who i am. but also????#people making that choice are suffering for it and its an incredibly personal calculation and its FINE AND NORMAL#TO BE LIKE I AM SO TIRED OF DOING IDENTITY MATH#SOMETIMES I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO NOT MISGENDER MYSELF IN ORDER TO NOT GET IN FIGHTS#BUT THATS NOT THE LIVE I GET TO LIVE
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To say an Aspec person's life is wasted because they lack an interest in [sex/romance/platonic relationships]* is like saying an evergreen tree has wasted its life for refusing to grace its branches with apples
*(respect aros, aces, and aplatonic folk equally or taste my blade)
#gopher rambles#i myself am not asexual aromantic or aplatonic#though im DemiRose i suppose (if thats the term I'm looking for?)#but i love my siblings who ARE#this goes for aroaces. aroallos. alloaces. folks who feel repulsed by these things. folks who engage with them for whatever reasons#ect ect ect#i think youre all cool and the intracommunjty fighting is. well its really fucking stupid. please. i am begging. i am so tired#can we not be allies to one another?#asexual#aromantic#aplatonic#aspec#idk what tags y'all use but oh well
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AUGHH CLASS ASSIGNMENT YIPPEEE!!! Had to make cut out silhouette designs for 3 of our characters!!!
#i havent drawn for myself in so lonng AUGH#and i also had to learn to use photoshop which was. interesting but i got comfortable with it eventually#i couldve did this so much faster but alas growing pains on a new software#csp i miss u ill always love you#ANYWAY YA!! We had to choose a fairytale to adapt and have a twist and that will be the story well be making concept art for the entire ter#i chose the little red riding hood and my twist is that its set in the victorian era and also its toxic yuri HEHEEE#So yeah first pic is the the little red riding hood girlie (Scarlette) all grown up and became a huntress#second pic is Wolf woman who Killed said gramma long ago but tricked scarlette to thinking that she didnt#(they have a tense enemies to lovers to enemies kind of arc HEHE)#And third pic is the hunter/woodsman!!! He is gonna be the one that tells scarlette that the wolf lady IS the one shes been hunting#all her LIFE#and so girlies gonna get SO mad like FUCK I FELL IN LOVE HER BUT I STILL GOTTA KILL HER BECAUSE I SWORE TO MY GRANDMA I WOULD#and ya they both fight to the death. stabbed via hearts. HEEHEE#god im so tired all the time I HAVE NO FREE TIME AAAAA#I HATE YOU TWO HOUR COMMUTES
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day 30: enemy
caitlyn comes out of the meeting room, boots echoing on the marble, and her face is stony.
"how'd it go?" vi asks, sitting up on the bench.
"she's disappointed." caitlyn sits down next to her. "we could have had her today, vi. we can't let her get away again."
it sounds like a warning more than a statement of fact.
"you don't have to talk to me like that, you know." vi's trying her damnedest to keep her own tone even.
"like what?"
"like you're giving me orders."
caitlyn has been easy to read since the day she stepped too close to vi's cell. this look that she's giving her now, though? vi can barely parse it.
it passes quickly, though. caitlyn closes her eyes, breathes deeply and furrows her brow, and vi finds comfort in knowing that that means she's disappointed in herself. "i'm sorry. i just- you know how important this is to me."
this being capturing vi's baby sister.
they haven't talked about what happens after caitlyn catches her. vi can't bring herself to ask, and caitlyn seems to think she should just know the logical conclusion. there's no option that makes her feel good: jinx banished oceans away where she'll never see her again, jinx rotting in a cell the way vi was supposed to, something worse that vi won't allow herself to name.
vi has been doing her best to prolong the inevitable, however it comes to them.
"take a break, caitlyn," vi's voice is almost a whisper as she puts a hand on caitlyn's shoulder, turns her so she can see her eyes, close enough to smell her perfume. "i'm going home- come with me. let's sleep it off."
prolonging means peace can't last forever, though.
the door in front of them opens again, and ambessa walks out. backlit by the evening, she looks like every avenging spirit vi's ever read about. it makes her understand why their first words are to not be afraid.
she doesn't say a word; she just gives them both a look that vi is sure is meant to be dismissive and walks down the hallway, out the door, leaving them alone again.
when vi turns back to caitlyn, that implacable cast is back over her eyes. vi's favourite colour was always blue, but that look makes her understand why people think of it as cold.
"i'm going to be in the office," caitlyn says. "you can come or go home, whatever you need, but i'm going to stay. i'm going to make sure that next time, we won't fail."
won't fail. whatever that means. vi's already failed, letting any of this happen.
she can't help herself. before caitlyn can get up to go, vi stands, spits, "good night, sheriff," and walks away.
#arcane#arctober#vi#caitlyn kiramman#levi.doc#ALMOST THERE#i keep being like 'ugh people are going to get tired... everything im writing is so similar its even the same characters...'#and then remembering 1. this is My blog and i do this for free/for fun 2. were on tumblr and everyone here knows what a blorbo is#anywayyyy cant wait for the inevitable 'oh fuck THATS who we should all be fighting' scramble#but first: 'i cant let myself accept that this persons goals and mine are not the same' (jinx w vi. vi w caitlyn. caitlyn w ambessa)#id tag this as caitvi but id feel bad bc this is just straight up angst no comfort lmfao#fwiw im considering fluff for tomorrow?? it is my favourite holiday after all. and ive written so little of it
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i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed
#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant#its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things#we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt?#i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an#me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could#feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly#accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore#what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back#with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other??#why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used#to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this??#i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting#for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our#bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us??#im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70#yapping#vent
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art will continue as normal considering my queue goes out till sometime in february
all we can do is keep going. keep moving forward... as much as we can.
#not art#my current art may likely slow as i was already fighting my life against seasonal depression#kicked that to the curb with being filled with motivation from a v nice comment but then forgot to take into account how all... this...#would affect my motivation for things#worst game of wait and see#im tired.#but i will keep going and u should too#election 2024#us elections#presidential election#idk what else to tag i feel like i should so anyone can block the tag in case they dont wanna see shit idk#now for the regularly scheduled winter project to take up my time and distract me from life. assuming i can motivate myself enough#politics
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i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes
#please understand while im not doubting so much now im not going to base off everything by peoples perceptions of my online behavior but#i feel like it does give good insight#i just always have a little hesitation in me because i feel like no one can get a full scope or honest picture of myself to Know me enough#to say that i can trust their opinion of me without knowing me enough in that sense#gahh. cuz i always feel like im doing Just Fine Enough i feel normal enough but im not guhh.#GUHHGGGHGH#it literally wouldnt change anything for me. like im autistic . ok! shrugs my shoulders. i cope i cant to anything more to help myself#than that#do u guys get it. do i have to go eat bricks or do u guys get it. my internal struggle. im like sisyphus#i cant trust other peoples opinions of my and i cant trust my own perceptions#while of course self diagnosis is a wonderful thing i dont want to put a name on myself that serves me no purpose#autism is awesome but do i deserve that title when dont feel like i own it wether i am autistic or not#im just so conflicted.#do you get it. do you get me. am i being reasonable . am i just fighting a truth about myself or are my doubts realistic. but the Evidence.#im so tired#i do not wanna b one of those tiktok girlies saying theyr hyperfixated on cooking pasta#Now do you get me#all my long winded rabbit trail rambles out of me before i finally get to my one point condensed conclusion#and now i just cant delete the rest of my tags because of all my time spent on them#enjoy my indentity crisis lol#i Might delete some of these tags later
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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told my sister i got a (WOMENS CUT) suit for my conservative christian cousin's wedding that my mother is trying to force me to wear a form fitting dress to and even with me telling her id be wearing the suit with four inch heels and jewelry she didn't even react neutrally and i just burst into tears. i love my sister but shes just complacent and the type of straight girl that harps on about being noah kahn or chappell roan lesbians with her boyfriend and only is friends with campy gay men. im sorry you have a dysphoric dyke sister. sorry that me calling out my own mother and extended family's "don't ask don't tell" attitude is too much. sorry. sorry. sorry sorry sorry.
#dmitrigirl speaks#my mom doesnt want a gnc daughter. nor a ssa one#i dont want to bug my sister about it. its not her fight#im just a kicked dog#im so tired of being a kicked dog#but when i stand up for myself i feel like all the bottled up anger flies out#why do i feel so full of failure and loneliness when im around them#i wish i wasnt the problem child i wish i wasnt the lost cause#i grow so much when theyre out of my direct life#why was i adopted if they only wanted an ideal
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May I ask if Kaveh is in the Ratiotham uni au or he's nonexistent in this timeline 👀👀👀
I was blind to the potential in Ratiotham at first tbh but I'm a hardcore believer now 🙏🙏🙏 also I'm sorry if this has been asked before!
i was thinking about having him around but i fear that some ppl want me to have him involved or more active even tho hes not the focus or romantically involved w hthm in this so yea. bc of the fear of some ppl being annoying and having all asks revolve around kaveh again, im unsure yet if i even want him to play a role and consider have him just get mentioned when hthm is napping bc of him being too noisy in the nights
#its not like the au is gonna get smth super deep and big w complex story or smth. i just want ratiotham lolol#also dont misunderstand me i rlly like kvh its just tiring when all messages revolve around him all the time#even when hes not even brought up in any way#reply#maybe its partly bc of the whole drama that i need some space from kvh/kvthm bc it leaves a bitter taste#bc im still so disgusted by some ppl in the fandom starting ship fights w hkvh ppl and bullying that i feel ashamed in their name#which is stupid bc i got nothing to do with them#but yea thats why im distancing myself a lil
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Sometimes I still think about this exchange Bdubs and Joel had about Etho in first session of SL.
Bdubs: I've never seen [Etho] this panicked before. Joel: Me either. Joel: No actually- except that time in Double Life in a trapped portal.
LIKE THIS EXCHANGE DRIVES UP THE WALLLLLL.
#> tired shitpost#ohhh they care about each other so much#that trapped portal will be MY grave too#'no go back don't come through'#throwing up and wailing#the absolute worst part is that they still care...................#brother.#when joel only knows one thing and it's how to fight with his claws and fangs .#but still comes bacKKKKKKK#exploding myself to pieces.#to be fair.#shortgras have a lot of INTERESTING exchanges.#oh brother shortgras died together too.#okay im done#going to lay down in the corner and cry
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Very happy I'm going back to therapy next week
#im so fucking tired of this bullshit#i cried for myself abt all the pain and abuse i went through today on the drive home and i realized that i keep trying to pretend like ive#healed but i havent and im still very wounded from the whole experience#his family apologizing didnt help that aspect of the complicated feelings at all#like ill never ger an actual apology from him. never#and BECAUSE OF HIM im fucking terrified to emotionally open up to people in the way i desperately need to bc of how much i was gaslit and#fucking manipulated and emotionally tormented and blamed for it. i want to be able to actually process my heavy emotions and talk it through#with someone so i dont have to go through it all alone#and im scared. im terrified of it#i have been irreversibly scared and it hurts#i keep pretending like my abuse is something ive healed from and even now i doubt if it actually ever was#and i fight every fucking day bc the evidence is comically present everywhere#im#im just tired#i want to cry and be held afterwards#havent i at least earned that much?#cant i please just be held?
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rant lolz
#one of my worst EDS symptoms by FARRR is debilitating chronic fatigue#like i’ve been sleeping my life away and nothing i’ve ever found makes it better#i literally only worked 4.5 hours today and my friend asked me to come over after and i constantly flake on him so i said yes this time#and i was fucking fighting sleep the entire time#it was 5pm#i had to leave after only a few hrs bc i was like if im here any longer i will be too tired to drive home#if i let myself i can literally sleep an entire day away#and i genuinely mean that like an entire day#it’s debilitating 🤍🤍🤍#if anyone has any experience with this too and has any tips or tricks besides caffeine lmk🥲🥲🥲#tw medical#just in case#tw rant#tw personal#delete later
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