#but sometimes it does make me sad. and frustrated. when I feel this motivation when im lying in bed tired at some ungodly hour

[perreqult]

ENOUGH ✶ will smith

REQUESTED BY: anon !

summary: will never feels like he’s enough, so you have to make sure he know he is

word count: 0.7k

contains: angst—fluff, kissing, swearing, insecurities

notes: this was NOT proofread so bear with me here

The sharks were officially eliminated out of playoff contention, and Will felt terrible. He knew it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it sure felt like it.

No matter how many times you told him how good he was doing, he just always felt like he could do more. Enough to get the sharks to the playoffs, enough to everybody around him proud, enough to make himself proud.

He’d wound up at your apartment after the news that entailed the guarantee of not getting to the post season. All he wanted was to be close to you. You were all that could be comforting to him.

That’s how you found the two of you lying on your bed, holding each other tight. Will’s even sadder than you could’ve imagined, somber even.

He’s laying on your chest like he usually does when he’s frustrated or upset, practically limp, drowned in thought.

You two have barely said anything to each other after he’d gotten here. You really didn’t need to. You knew he was going to want to be close to you, to feel your arms wrapped around him, one of the only things that could make him a little less sad.

“I love you.” Are the words that come tumbling out your mouth, finally breaking the silence.

“I… I love you too.” Will says, speaking up, he looks up towards you and you lock eyes. He looks tired, frustrated, sad, everything he could be— should be.

“Do you wanna talk about it? You know… being eliminated and all.” You say it unconfidently, not knowing if that’d just make him feel worse.

His gaze softens— atleast you know his mood isn’t getting any worse. He thinks about what he’s going to say before he finally spits out “It sucks.” He says it flatly, tiredly. He looks away like he’s embarrassed to say it.

“I know, Will. Just don’t think there was something you could do— more. You did amazing, it’s not supposed to be easy.” You say softly. You run your hands through his hair, something that always gets him calmed down and lifts his mood.

His face flushes a bit of red, he always gets like this— even if you give him the slightest amount of affection.

“Yeah.” He says. He looks and sounds unsure of it, like he thinks you’re lying to him.

Sometimes you wonder what you could do to make him feel enough, because he is, he’s more than that. He’s everything to so many people, you just wish he could see that.

You pull him even closer and lay a kiss on his forehead. He gets even redder. “Will, you’re amazing. There’s not a doubt in my mind when I say that. You’ve done so much.” You tell him, peppering him with kisses after each word.

He gets even redder, and even lets out a giggle, something you haven’t heard in a while. Something you missed.

You figure if that lifted his mood you might as well repeat it. You dash kisses all over his face, Will continuing to lightly laugh, a grin spreading over his face.

“I love you. Like, a lot. Don’t ever pull that ‘I could’ve done more’ bullshit again.” You tell him, still pushing kisses atop his face.

He lets out a laugh, like a real laugh. That just motivates you more, seeing Will happy is the best part of your day, always making you smile.

The next morning when you both wake up and head to the bathroom to get ready, you just now realize that you’d forgotten to wash your lipstick off, Will’s face was absolutely covered in lipstick marks. How you didn’t realize while you were kissing him? No clue.

The next time you two can get together the same cycle repeats of Will pouncing on you, craving your touch and ending up with 50 evident marks of affection. Marks to show he’s more than enough for you, more than enough for everyone.

[burningfairytales]

On Bokuto being Fukurodani’s captain

I promised myself I wouldn’t make another Bokuto defence post, but I’ve been reliably informed the Fukurodani tag is lacking posts and I’m here to contribute.

We’ve probably all seen it - the post that is like, “every captain acts like a father figure to their team, and then there’s Fukurodani”

And I mean, it’s funny. It got a good chuckle out of me, too, because that is how jokes work. Jokes have to be funny, they don’t necessarily have to be true.

Because yes. For Karasuno, whose line-up consists of three first-years, and the dynamic duo Tanaka-and-Noya, sure, Daichi is more of a father figure. So is Kuroo, I suppose, for Nekoma (though where Daichi is the tough-love kind of dad, I see Kuroo as the “hey x, i’m dad” kind of person.)

And it works for them, because that’s what those teams need.

They’re young. They’re chaotic. They need a voice of reason (Karasuno) or, failing that, at least someone who’s capable of mediating in a fight. Who’s willing to tell the children to suck it up and make up, even if they weren’t in the wrong (Nekoma).

A captain should be what the team needs, after all.

But that is not how Fukurodani works.

Fukurodani has a completely different dynamic than Nekoma and Karasuno. Sure, they bicker. They probably fight, too. But listen. Save Akaashi and Onaga, the entire team is made up of third years - and we all know that in terms of maturity, Akaashi is on their level if not higher.

(Sorry Onaga. I’m afraid I don’t know enough about him yet to include him in that statement. Doesn’t come across as particularly childish either, for what it’s worth!)

So you’ve got an elite team. A team of more-or-less adults. The millennial kind of of adults, maybe - the “i need an adultier adult” kind. But a team of people who know when it’s okay to fool around and when it’s time to call it quits.

In a team like that, what use is a father figure?

And then there’s Bokuto.

Bokuto who is very much not mature at all. Bokuto who doesn’t know when to stop, when to call it quits. Bokuto who goes out to play not for the sake of winning, but to enjoy playing. To have fun. Winning is just the result of that.

Bokuto who looks at his teammates and gives them permission to just fool around and have fun, just for the sake of it. Want to try a cool spike? Great! It worked? That’s awesome, teach me how to do it.

Didn’t work? Too bad, try again.

Bokuto who gently and sometimes not-so-gently pushes his team. Try harder. Do better. Not because it’s disappointing if they don’t, but because it’s more fun if they do - because Bokuto firmly believes that they can.

Fukurodani is a great team. An elite team. They know they’re good. Maybe sometimes, just “good” feels like enough to them - but never to Bokuto. If you run three laps today, you might make it to four tomorrow. Maybe five laps the day after.

Bokuto is the kind of person who reaches, who moves forward, who doesn’t want to stop improving.

He’s also the kind of person who motivates his teammates to try harder simply because that’s what he does. They don’t want to fall behind. If Bokuto can do it, then so can we.

I think it’s such in important scene, at the end of the match against Mujinazaka, when Bokuto shakes hands with Kiryuu - not just because, despite their loss, Kiryuu can honestly say that he’s glad he played his last match against Bokuto, though I’d say that says a lot about Bokuto in general. It’s not a bad thing, losing to him. It’s sad - of course it’s sad, but it’s not frustrating. They played a good game. Hell, they had fun. It’s an acceptable loss.

But the really important part, to me, is when Bokuto holds onto his hand and tells him, “you should tell your team to give you better tosses. Even if it’s asking too much. You should still do it.”

Because not only does that show that Bokuto isn’t an idiot - he’s very much aware of what goes on on the field. He noticed that most of those tosses sucked. Kiryuu is amazing for managing to hit those, and Bokuto isn’t afraid of telling him that.

And it’s not even that he’s telling his opponent, hey, you’re already pretty incredibly and you could spike better if the set-up worked in your favour. (Because contrary to what seems a popular opinion, Bokuto’s “I’m the best!” Doesn’t mean “everyone else sucks.” I don’t understand why people tend to make him egoistical. Bokuto stops at nothing to tell others when they’re doing well and compliment them.)

No, the really important part of that exchange is that Bokuto is also saying, you aren’t letting your team improve if you keep letting them keep get away with this.

And it’s true, isn’t it. You can help your classmate cheat or do your coworker’s work for them - it saved them in that moment, maybe, but they will not learn. You’re taking away their opportunity for improvement.

Kiryuu can tell his team, it’s okay if your tosses are shit, I will hit them anyway. But at the end of the day, those tosses are still going to be shit. It doesn’t make them better players, and if any of them want to keep playing after high school they’re going to be in a lot of trouble, because not everyone will be able to hit them - or be even willing to try.

So no, Bokuto is about the farthest thing from a father figure. But he pushed his team to do better. Forces them to pick up the pace one way of another, sometimes maybe through his bad moods, but also by motivating them to stop accepting “good” as “good enough.”

And look, I’m not completey oblivious. I’m fairly certain Bokuto is probably not great at handling the official side of being captain - club applications and funding requests and whatever needs handling. But he’s not doing it alone, is he?

And of course Akaashi is impressive, making vice-captain as a second year. And I’m willing to bet Bokuto was the first to insist he’d have to do it.

So you’ve got the captain who pushes and the vice-captain who keeps things level. I’d say that’s the kind of team Fukurodani needs as their captains, don’t you?

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Very excited about these:

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼

⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️⏲️

🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎

(Also very excited about 🌕 obviously!)

Thank you!

60 for 🔼:

---

“Sometimes jobs can take time away from other stuff. Especially when they’re new and you’re trying to figure out a routine.”

Christopher sighs heavily.

“I get how that seems a little scary,” Buck says. 

“I don’t want her to be away from us all the time again,” Chris whispers. 

“Aw, bud,” Buck says. “She won’t be.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Totally sure,” Buck promises. “She’ll still be working shorter shifts than a firefighter works. And, because it’s a job she’s gonna really care about, it’ll bring her a bunch of joy.”

“Like you?” Chris asks.

Buck nods. “Exactly. Like me. A-and like your dad, when he’s at the firehouse.”

They’ve explained to Chris as best they can. Why Eddie had to leave the 118, temporarily. Obviously, his grip on mental complexities are about appropriate for his age. But he’s a sensitive, empathetic kid. Buck thinks he’s just happy Eddie is trying to be happier. 

“Why does she need a job for that?” Chris asks. “You and Dad have good jobs. Don’t Jane and I make her happy enough?”

“Oh my god, of course you do,” Buck answers emphatically. This is a really hard question to answer and Buck isn’t sure what to do. But he knows, at least, that much is true. “Of course you both make her so happy.”

“Then why does she need to spend more time somewhere else?” Chris asks.

Buck takes a deep inhale, thinking about what he could say. 

“Well, Chris…” He starts. “People, especially, uh, adults… People need a balance of a lot of different things to make them happy. Like, uh… Like having lots of houseplants, but they all need a different amount of water and sunlight.”

“What does that mean?” Chris asks.

Yeah, okay. Buck can see how that was confusing.

“Okay, um… So for me, the thing that makes me most happy, is my family,” Buck says. “You guys. Your mom and dad. My sister. Jee-Yun. But, I still need my job, and I like being physically active, and I like cooking. If I couldn’t do those things, I’d be pretty sad. I need all of it, but family more than the other stuff.”

Chris thinks about this for a second.

“That makes sense,” he says finally.

Buck exhales, relieved. 

“I’m glad. Do you feel better about it?”

Chris nods. “Yep. Thanks, Buck.”

---

27 for ⏲️:

---

The bunk rooms sleep four each. So, they’re all in here except Bobby. Or, at least, they were. Chim got up a few minutes ago, left the room. Probably to pee or something. Point is, it’s not just him and Eddie. If it was, he’d just wake Eddie up and complain to him about it. The way it is, Buck just has to lay here, like a prisoner. Maybe that’s slightly dramatic…

He would like to be able to sleep. If he sleeps well, he’ll be rested tomorrow. He won’t even be drained from a lot of work, because they’ve had very little actual work. Which means, if he can just get a good night’s rest, he can afford to do a lot to Eddie when they get home. A lot, within the confines of what Eddie is comfortable with and ready for, of course. But Buck can’t even think too hard about that as motivation to fall asleep, because it’s keeping him awake. 

Eventually, Buck decides to give up. 

This is all useless. He might as well go and expend energy elsewhere. He could work out. He could masturbate in the shower. He could reorganize the fridge, because B Shift always leaves it messed up. There are options. 

Buck creeps out of bed and out the door. Or at least he thinks he creeps. He’s been accused of being loud and unstealthy before.  As he’s leaving the bunkroom, he sees Chim leaving Hen’s bunkroom. Interesting.

---

63 for 🍎:

---

Did Bobby do something? If he has, he doesn’t remember. 

“Can you tell him to call me, at least?” Bobby asks. “I’m worried about him. This isn’t like him.”

He hears Eddie sigh. He genuinely sounds frustrated.

“He won’t.” 

“Eddie, did I do something?” Bobby asks. 

He thinks of the last time things were bad between him and Buck. One of two times things have ever been bad between them, and certainly the worst. The lawsuit. Bobby knows he messed up there. Not in his intentions or reasoning. He still maintains Buck should not have been working on blood thinners after that embolism. Several injuries sustained by members of the 118 would have been lethal on blood thinners. However, he didn’t do a good job communicating his fears. He blamed the brass. He left Buck feeling blindsided and betrayed. Enough to get himself sued? Debatable. But Bobby knows where he erred. This time, if something has happened, Bobby has none of the information. That scares him. 

“Bobby…”

“I know, I know,” Bobby sighs. “You can’t talk about it.”

There’s a long pause.

“You really have no idea and you’re just worried about his well being?” Eddie asks very quietly.

“Yes,” Bobby answers. “He’s never done this before and it’s kind of freaking me out.”

Eddie sighs. “Have you heard of TreeBranchGeneology.Net?” 

What? Did they switch topics and Bobby failed to notice?

“That ancestry tracking site where they collect your DNA?” Bobby asks.

“Yep,” Eddie replies. “You ever make an account?” 

“No,” Bobby says. “I hate the idea of a corporation having access to my genetic material, if I’m being honest. What does this have to do with Buck?”

“Maybe make one,” Eddie says. 

“What? Why?” Bobby asks. 

“I have to go. Bye, Bobby.”

“Eddie, wait-”

But the call disconnects before Bobby can ask any other questions. 

🍏

When Eddie emerges from his room, Buck notices he’s looking sort of pale. Buck wonders if he’s sick. Or if he’s maybe sick of having Buck here? 

“Are you okay?” Buck asks. 

Eddie’s eyes widen nervously. 

“Uh, who? Me?”

Buck frowns. “Who else?”

[melpomenelamusa]

7, 10, 13, 14 for the torturing ocs ask

7. Who do you put most into stressful situations or other drama?

Elafi is always my favorite to throw into trouble (comes with being the protagonist), but lately, I’ve found really funny to mess with Tigri. I think it’s because, unlike Elafi, he has a much more defiant attitude, and that dynamic is super entertaining to watch.

10. Has any of them had to be revived / brought back to life? How did this affect them?

So far, I haven’t written any scenes where a character is brought back to life. In the case of Chimeras, I personally don’t think something like that will happen, but who knows—maybe someday I’ll write something with that trope. Honestly, there’s a lot of whump material to explore there.

13. Who cries the most often? What are the usual causes?

Elafi cries the most. He’s a very sensitive boy: he cries when he’s sad, he cries from pain, he cries when he’s touched, he cries from pure joy, he cries when he’s really angry… In that sense, he’s kind of like me XD

14. How does your oc cope?

I love this question!!! Let’s begin:

Elafi 🦌:

He really trusts Warrick. He sees him as a caretaker and family, as well as a figure of both authority and protection. He tends to share his doubts, thoughts, fears, and hopes with him, and Warrick listens and supports him, which builds a very strong and healthy bond between them.

Elafi often takes long walks in the forest to clear his mind, relax, and connect with nature and himself.

Elafi isn’t ashamed to show his emotions. If he feels the need to cry, he’ll cry, and he tries to release and express what he feels instead of repressing it.

Even though Elafi feels a lot of pain, injustice, and even hatred, he tries not to let it consume him. Instead, he actively looks for ways to help those around him. If this is a cruel world, he wants to be the difference. However, that same desire to help sometimes makes him a bit reckless, and he ends up getting into trouble.

Despite trusting and loving people like Warrick, Lupita, and Patrick, he has developed deep distrust toward “more normal” humans. He suspects they have bad intentions toward him, which makes it hard for him to connect with strangers. He finds it much easier to connect with other chimera children.

Fidi 🐍:

Fidi has two main conscious coping mechanism: drawing and screaming into a pillow.

Generally, Fidi tries to swallow her emotions due to a combination of conditioning by Madame Lavenza and as a survival mechanism to avoid becoming an “unpleasant pet” and risking being sold. This ends up making her bottle up too much pain, which she had never been able to express.

Fidi has always avoided forming bonds at all costs, so she wouldn’t get attached. That started to change when she met Neli, and later Tigri. They became a reason for her to want to stay true to herself. Otherwise, she probably would’ve ended up fully repressing her identity just to be Madame Lavenza’s little doll.

Tigri 🐯:

His first instinct when facing a problem is to attack it—either by taking the initiative to fix it or by literally clawing at it. That can be a good thing since it keeps him motivated to act, but also dangerous, because it can make him reckless and thoughtless.

His sense of community is what keeps him grounded. Whether it’s his family or his friends, thinking about the people he loves and who love him helps him stay centered.

He’s definitely the kind of person who starts cursing at the air when he’s stressed or frustrated as a way to vent.

Unfortunately, Tigri will never be the same after the experience with Madame Lavenza. He now has panic attacks whenever he feels trapped.

[james-stark-the-writer]

riverdalians, i have deeply disappointing news. the new Super Eyepatch Wolf Riverdale video.... does not Get It.

i mean it's a rough video on its lonesome too, repeating far too much of stuff he already covered in the first video, but it also doesn't really come to any point. honestly, it just seems incoherent at times. but like. the big crime is that he doesn't Get It. like i understand his frustrations with season 7, i share many of them too, but honestly, as sacrilegious as it may sound, it commits some of the same Art Sins as the FSN video (especially as far as treating Riverdale as trying to say something like John does try to find some meaning at the end but he misses the most obvious thing which is really infuriating. like to an extent it's cultural differences, but then again it's also not my culture that's being deconstructed and i got it so i don't know what to tell you, especially bc Riverdale is not remotely subtle about its deconstructions.), like he brings up plot points that are clearly About something and then just... doesn't confront them. like he clearly points out things like how Percival is old and has been around for a long time and how he's corrupting the soul of the town and basically doing a genocide and is from a long line of genociders and how he is the embodiment of evil but he never connects all those to understand that season 6 is critiquing white supremacy (especially given that Riverdale is not a subtle show, like they are very explicit in their political critiques. i do not understand how he could possibly miss that unless he wasn't paying attention and treating it as actual art.), and that season 7 is a very normal lead into it. like yeah i have critiques of season 7 and their approach to tackling racial issues, but it's very clearly leaning further into the deconstruction that the show is doing. like i'm just so stunned he didn't Get It.

fuck, he doesn't even talk about the fucking series finale! which i feel like is a perfect encapsulation of what he finds fascinating in media. like, after his Garfield video, i thought he would get the haunting, horrific implications of the series finale, but he doesn't even talk about it! yeah. there's just no finale section. he just stops talking about the show at the penultimate episode while clearly playing clips from the finale, and he doesn't talk about the finale, which is so baffling to me that i cannot even fathom that this video was meant to be released. genuinely feel like half the video is missing. what the hell, John. i don't think there's a third video coming so it all honestly just seems like a waste. like in some ways, i guess if his Big Point is that the show is incoherent (which tbh is one of the weakest and most wrong criticisms of Riverdale? like, Riverdale will sometimes have you questioning why something was executed the way it was, or why a certain choice was made. but it's not a hard show to follow. it's not incoherent. you just have to pay attention. because it's a dense show. it's very plot-heavy, so you have to be paying attention. yeah sometimes characters flip about, but there's always a base status-quo as a touchstone for categorizing and explaining their behavior, and if you put aside the motivations the literal events are extremely simple to understand. like seriously it's very easy to follow when you actually have context and aren't listening to random plot points decontextualized in a YouTube video that is less than 1/100th of the runtime of the actual show.) and pointless, making the video incoherent and pointless is like, interesting, and tries to mimic the meta characteristics of the show, but it doesn't make for a particularly fun video to watch, and it also is not like giving the show enough credit as a piece of art, so it's just really irritating as a whole.

genuinely so sad about this lol, like i knew from the first one that a lot of his enjoyment was from the outrageous moments and that he probably wouldn't love season 7 but i didn't think he would just completely miss the point this hard. also the way that he understands that Season 4 was filmed during the pandemic but doesn't understand that the first four episodes of Season 5 are actually part of Season 4? baffling. genuinely so many questionable decisions in that video. i do not understand it. i just. i'm so tired of everyone not getting the most blatant fucking Art that's extremely obvious about what it's doing. Riverdale is not hard to Get and the amount of people i've seen blatantly miss the point is really, genuinely scary in terms of media literacy. like jesus, how could you miss the point of Riverdale S06 and how it connects to S07. how is that even possible. did you watch it with your eyes closed, John.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

recovery anon here thank you for your kind words! What am I supposed to look for when trying out new hobbies? Like fun or a sense of accomplishment or something else? I need to really focus on my studies that's what I should be doing rn but I'm just not interested... I should be but I'm not and I hate it. I wonder if I lost interest in studying when I saw a few ted talks talking about how fucked up the education system is and maybe that made me lose all interest to participate in this system. I still don't like the process of having to go through an entrance exam and interview and then selection which determines where you go in life. It feels like someone else gets to decide where you go and that's sad isn't it. You don't get to decide where you end up finally.But you still have to go through it, because you have got no other choice. Your parents begin to age, their bodies fail to function optimally. Little fevers give them infections, they will be dealing with pain they won't talk about to you children. You eventually will have to step up and support them. You will have to give in to the system because your parents become more important than your own pride. I'm at that stage I think so. I'm thinking about what I am supposed to do, should I make earning a living a priority or not I'm rocking forward and backward. I don't want to, but it sucks that I may have to eventually. I don't like it, I don't like this system and I don't like that people just give in to it. Sometimes I wish I had a motivation like a friend S she's trying to support her family, she has a brother who's not interested in studying, she has a sister who is not interested in working, she's the only one who can support her family. I wish I could be as desperate as her. I have good genes, good education, good skills, I have been blessed in this life. Do people only work hard if they realise they are lacking? I was lacking a lot of things I felt because of which I was motivated to be like another friend I idolised in the past. What is it that I lack now? What do I want now?I want to know the answer to this: What do I want now? And I hope the answer is studies...

Those frustrations about society are valid, real and understandable. Not dreaming of studying and working under the circumstances you describe does not reflect badly on you in my opinion. And with the caveat that there are things you may be forced to do in this society even though you don't enjoy them, I think pursuing joy and what is genuinely meaningful to you personally to the best of your ability is valid and important.

[queerwritersingerdramaqueen]

HEAR ME OUT

I like a reverse AU as much as the next person but the way it gets done sometimes is so out of character so I'm gonna just throw my two cents out into the void for anyone to draw inspiration from because I don't have the motivation to write it myself right now!

So, starting with the ones that get reversed a lot: Hank and Connor

Connor is obviously younger than Hank, so make him a newly assigned lieutenant who is trying to live up to his position of power. Being Connor, he's unsure, he questions himself a bit, he's scared of messing up as someone with power over others. Portraying him with Hank's personality just doesn't fit if you ask me, Connor's not that guy.

Now, due to Connor being a great but still new Lieutenant, who better for Fowler (or maybe Amanda if you want to get deep in a reverse AU) to partner him with than an Android that's basically perfect. which is not to say he should be optimistic and cheery as he is in some depictions. He can still be a stone-cold bitch or a sarcastic prick but less in the vein of "I hate everyone around me" and more in the "You're a bitch, you don't deserve my kindness" sort of way. AND HE CAN HAVE THIS ATTITUDE WITH HANK TO BEGIN WITH BUT I HONESTLY THINK HE'D BE MORE INTIGUED BY ANDROIDS AS MYSTERYS THEN GENUINELY HATE THEM, YOU CAN PRY THAT IDEA FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

I'd also like to make a point that, whether Cole is a character in the story (as a brother or a kid from a case) who is present to make Connor sad, HE *CLAP* CAN *CLAP* STILL *CLAP* REACT *CLAP* LIKE *CLAP* CONNOR. He doesn't have to become Hank's mirror image after Cole's death, he can grieve in his own way. And even if you do chose to make him take the same route, he doesn't have to act like Hank when he's sober! (this is coming from a place of frustration that Connor just... wouldn't be cold towards everyone for no reason and it annoys me that he is in some fics)

Hank as an Android would be gruff and straight to the point because he is a "machine." He's designed to be no-nonsense, straight to the point and probably annoyed by Connor's persistent Empathy (similar to how Connor can be during some playthrough's of the game). The absolute key to this portrayal would be emphasising that Hank acts like this because he is programmed to. Cyberlife has to have a reason for making Hank the way he would be so please, jump on the nuance of why Hank would be such a sullen, apathetic android and the implications that has for him to achieve deviancy. He's not meant to be nice to the people he works for, he's meant to do a job.

Now for the icing, how does this reverse dynamic work in context of the plot?

Connor needs someone steady and secure to fall back on lest he succumb to the pressures of the position he's in. Hank's blunt, maybe sometimes rude way of getting to the point is exactly what Connor would need to stay afloat. He needs someone who can be tough and give it to him straight when he's doubting himself. In regards to their cases, yes, he has a very "Hank" way of responding to the android actions (i.e. shooting Chloe, Hunting down the Traci's) in that he takes an empathetic approach towards the Andorids but less from a "they look human and it's disturbing" standpoint and more from a "deviants are alive" standpoint from the get go. He shows empathy towards the Traci that was killed in the Eden club, he tries to understand why deviancy is occurring, he defends Hank against anti-android people.

(And please feel free to fight me on that point, I've seen one playthrough and have a general idea of Hank's reactions to deviancy based on fanfic and whatnot. I'm not an expert on how Hank reacts and I want input)

And here's my favourite part, Hank deviating with Connor's help. It is Connor's humanity and empathy that really intrigues me on this part. When people portray him with Hank's characteristics, he comes off really angry and Hank deviates from a position of "I care about this kid, I have to look after him." And while this is *chef's kiss* it's not the only possible way for Connor to influence his deviancy. His general kindness to people around him, his resilience, his empathy, his humanity can influence how Hank starts seeing the world around him. (I guess that it just really bugs me that Hank only seems to really deviate for Connor when there are so many more facets that can make Hank the purveyor of his own deviance, with Connor giving him the nudge)

Just like in canon where Android Connor helps Human Hank find purpose in his life again, Human Connor can help Android Hank realise he is more than a machine, that he's alive.

In conclusion, stop making Connor into Hank! (I obviously can't stop you but food for thought.)

I'll come back at some point with other characters.

[klara-rosa]

Things I've learnt during my first 100 days of my weightloss journey:

● progress over perfection. It doesn't matter that I can't (yet) do all the excercises the instructor does in the workout video or that I can't do them as fast or as many repetitions. It doesn't matter that I need to take breaks. It doesn't matter that I have to take an impromptu rest day. What does matter is that I continue to show up for myself because

● working out, moving my body and minding my food intake is actually self-care and an expression of self-love. I might've started losing weight because I dislike my body, but by doing these things, I'm showing it love. So, after a long day, when I'm tired or exhausted or sad, that's no longer an excuse to not move my body. By doing so, I'm showing myself care. Things get better when I do this.

● when I get frustrated or impatient, the only thing I can do is to tell myself: just keep going. Only thing you can do is to continue and let it all happen. It took time to gain the weight, now it's gonna take time to lose it.

● the only person that can hold yourself accountable and the only person you're doing this for is, you. I've always felt like if I wait long enough, an 'adult' will come and tell me, come on now, it's time. You're doing this now. And then it'd be my job to show that person that I can do it. But now I've realised that that person'll never show up and that they'll never wait for you to show them that you can lose the weight. That person is only ever going to be you.

● if nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes. And, it's up to me to make these changes, even if they're uncomfortable.

Last but not least because it means the most to me:

Movement is fun!!! It's not punishment!!! Working out, sweating, struggling, messing up - all of it can be so much fun! I have not missed one single workout since starting and have honestly been loving every second of them!!! I'm smiling so much through workouts. I look forward to them. Sometimes, when I have originally planned a rest day, I end up working out just because I know it'll be fun and bring me joy and make me feel amazing afterwards. And because it's only a couple minutes of my day but will go a long way. I don't have to force myself to move my body anymore because it's just so easy to say yes to movement??? So much easier than sitting on my couch and feeling sad over something that happened that day. So easy to just put on the workout clothes and sweat it out. I have so much more energy and motivation since making movement a part of my daily life. I feel fresher, lighter. Just going on a walk is like the most satisfying thing ever!!! Working out clears the mind and body and soul.

I never ever thought I'd find true joy in moving my body, but here I am. I've gained a massive hobby in excercising. It filled a gap in my life whenever I feel particularly empty.

100 days and I've made a lot of progress, not just physically. But in my head. My attitude towards myself. I still have a long way to go and have very bad brain days and struggle with body image. But I'm still doing it and having fun and that's the most important thing 👍

[isnt-that-wizardd]

in every fandom, I see a lot of posts that are always like "if you don't like this character you're wrong" or "you just don't understand them" and seeing those kinds of posts just makes me so frustrated???

most recently I've seen a lot of those posts about the cat king from dead boy detectives (just because it's my latest hyperfixation), and frankly, yeah, I don't really understand. and I will read your entire long post explaining why he's got all these little nuances or subtle tones or genuineness that I missed and I can grow a little more understanding about him. but hey- when I'm done reading your post? unfortunately I still do not like him. I can appreciate him and what he brings to the show, but I just don't like him. it's not because I think he's creepy or gets in the way of a ship or anything most people automatically assume - he's just not my vibe. he simply doesn't fit in the scope of characters I enjoy.

and why is that wrong?? why do I need to be lectured at because of that?? when did fandoms get to a point that people aren't allowed to have differing opinions on a character or dislike a character just because? yes, a lot of the time it is, but it doesn't always need to be deeper than that.

YOU relate to that character on a deeper level, YOU understand their intrinsic motivations, or at least what you perceive them to be, and YOU love that character. fantastic!! I'm happy for you!! enjoying media in a way where you can do that is how it is meant to be!! but in absolutely no universe will everyone ever have the exact same interpretations of a character or piece of media. we all see different aspects of people and relate to things/characters differently. I've been on both sides of things! sometimes my favorite character in a show is someone that everyone else hates or doesn't care for, but I'm okay with that! if they disagree with me, then they disagree with me. I've done the deep dives into why I think the character acts the way they do and taken time to devote myself to better understanding them.

but some people just don't do that. you can be a fan of something without doing that with a character. hell, you can be a fan of something by only ever consuming the source material at its surface level and NEVER going deeper if you do not want to do so. it's allowed.

maybe while you're interpreting a character to have a deeper trauma that results in them acting the way they do, they're reminding someone else of trauma they went through and that character makes them feel bad. maybe you see someone trying to help, but someone else sees it as manipulation. maybe you see someone cold and bitter while someone else sees the kindest person with years of walls built up around them. maybe what someone else interprets as funny, you have never laughed at.

((if we're keeping with the dbd example, think about when the Night Nurse watched Charles' death. what she saw was the quick and utter devotion that Charles developed for Edwin and how deeply he cares for him; she's seeing that Charles will truly not give up in getting Edwin back from hell. what Charles saw was the pure kindness Edwin had done for him even after all those decades in the worst place imaginable; he's seeing who Edwin is on a deeper level. neither interpretations of the memory are incorrect. but after watching the exact same thing, they are thinking in two entirely different directions))

so why does everything seem to start off with "you're wrong" and "I'm sad for you because you just don't get it"? we should be HAPPY that there are people out there who take different approaches and have different interpretations. that is how media is meant to be consumed. and I'm not saying that you shouldn't make your long posts explaining why you love a character- by all means do that!! you understand something that others don't and that should be put out in the world!! but if you're going to do that you also need to understand that there are a lot of people who you WILL persuade, and there are a lot of people who you will NOT. don't be upset about that and certainly do not put down or lecture anyone who doesn't agree with you. it's OKAY. it is not the end of the world just because someone doesn't like a character you like.

everyone interprets media differently. and that's amazing.

[shouldhavestayedawayfromhere]

My Thoughtforms

This is my follow-up post on my rant about thoughtforms. I really love my thoughtforms and have wanted to talk about them forever, and now I finally found a place where I could potentially meet people who share my passion. So let me tell you all about them!

Zhang Wei

My very first and longest thoughtform is called Zhang Wei. He has a Chinese background. I don't even know why. It makes no impact really, since he speaks perfect English (and my native language, but we stopped using that ages ago). He's a fire elemental 100%, super energetic and funny. His age is similar to mine and he always kinda grows with me. He has pink dyed hair and loves to dance. He's been my friend in very though times, which is why he was the first to get the privilege of becoming an official thoughtform. Zhang Wei mainly helps me with courage and confidence in situations I'm unfamiliar with. But he can also up my passion and motivation easily.

One funny story I have of him was when I was still taking driving lessons, and my teacher had me drive really steep roads, and I was getting super anxious. I always took Zhang Wei with me to the driving lessons, since my teacher was low-key a butthole and almost made me cry every week. Anyways, as I was panicking internally, Zhang Wei told me "it's alright, even if you die, I promise I'll be there." Which did not initially help the fear but it was so funny to me that it kind of just made the situation ridiculous instead of scary to me. He was so serious tho lol

Matt

My second human thoughtform is called Matt. Matthew in full, but I don't call him that. He's someone's OC I don't even know whose, a drawing I saw on Pinterest, I think. His character just built up from there. He's a water elemental, super calm and chill person. He's currently 27, again, don't ask me why or how I know that I just feel it 🤌. He's Brazilian. Also a fact I don't know why it's relevant but okay. He likes to cuddle, that one's really important. He has comfy vibes and is mostly a safe space for me.

Matt is there when I wake up from a nightmare and need comfort. He's there when I feel the strings of toxic people from my past tugging at my heart and making me feel empty and unvalued. And he's also there when I need a hug, but my sensory issues won't let me, or my autistic ass feels safe with no real person because "they won't understand". He does. He understands and he's there. And he reminds me of Lucifer too sometimes because of the protective vibes. Random, but it had to be said.

Bob

My third thoughtform is Bob. Bob started out as a drawing in my sketchbook. Bob has it/it's pronouns. It's kind of like a personification of an emotion, but in a way that is very gentle. It can shield me from the outside by being all around me like a mass of black goo. Making me safe from my surroundings. I could call it an autistic accommodation thoughtform. I also use Bob sometimes to channel difficult emotions by drawing it in different positions and postures or doing different things. Mostly hard emotions such as sadness, numbness, anger, frustration, etc. Bob is really nice to have around. It doesn't speak, by the way. It's just there. And I'm currently working on a crochet version of it so looking forward to that. Maybe I'll post it when it's done :)

Doggo

And my fourth and currently last thoughtform doesn't have a name. Or maybe it does and I forgot about it. She doesn't really need one though, because she doesn't talk either. And because she's a dog. A pink dog to be exact. She's been with me too before I ever made my first thoughtform official. She's a way I channel my excitement.

I'm one of those Audhd people who are very expressive and show their happiness and excitement by stimming loudly and openly and very freely. That, however, isn't possible in all my surroundings. So, I one day decided to think of her. A pink dog with wings. It sounds silly, but whenever I get too excited, and I can't show it externally, I just think of her power sprinting through the hallways I'm walking in, or sometimes on a field. She'll clumsily jump anything around her, bark excitedly, and let out all the pent up energy I have. It works really well for me to get some of that excitement out of my system until I'm in a safe surrounding where I can openly be my excited, flappy self.

Those are all my thoughtforms. If anyone out there wants to talk about theirs I would be super down to chat about it, I really hope this reaches someone who can relate to this. And if not, I still love to yap, so if you got questions or thoughts don't hesitate to talk to me any way you want I'd be super excited to talk to anyone :)

[excedrinpm]

♡ 𝔾𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕣 𝕋𝕚𝕞𝕖 ♡

A place for me to list games I’ve played recently / have been playing / want to play bc I want to get back into playing games more

In progress:

+ Siren (Forbidden Siren) (PS2 Emulator) ~ ?/10 ~ This game LOOKS amazing, love the sound design, LOVE the sight jacking mechanic. Very convoluted. I will not be able to complete it without a walkthrough. Also frustrating to a point where it loses some of the horror element bc I’m too busy being irritated instead of scared.

+ Typing of the Dead (PC) ~ FUCK/10 ~ fun mindless game. Really hard on hardest difficulty. I hate Candy sorry not sorry. Her character design is gross, why are we creating a purposefully infantilized stripper pls kys game devs.

+ Rune Factory 3 (switch) ~ at 4th boss ~ 8/10 so far

+ Clock Tower 3 (PS2 Emulator) ~ stuck on the final boss ~ 7/10 so far ~ I was initially too hard on this game bc I played it right after Haunting Ground but it is really good. I can’t beat the final boss for the life of me though

+ The Witcher 3 (switch) ~ just left the first area ~ 8/10 so far ~ I love sad handsome men, this game makes me so motion sick though

+ Rule of Rose (PS2 emulator) ~ through the first two sections ~ 8/10 so far. I LOVE BROWN!!!!! Omg he’s so good at finding things what a good boy ;-;

+ Persona 3 Portable (PC) ~ in January trying to beat the special bosses rn so I can fight death ~ 7/10 so far. I love the characters I love the story but I’m at a point that is SO GRIND HEAVY that it dropped the rating like 1.5 points.

Completed but not 100%ed:

+ Alice The Madness Returns (PC) ~ completed first blind run, still need to 100% ~ 6.5/10 ~ I was going to rank it higher but some parts are a slog to get through (cough the water level cough) Invisible platforming actually works very well & is not annoying like I thought it would be. Feels like a lot of filler. Art & music are amazing. Good story. Ending feels a bit incomplete.

+ Haunting Ground (ps2 emulator) ~ Got endings A, B, C, and D, all outfits & specials unlocked, still need to complete mini games ~ 9/10 ~ Overall really enjoyed it. Made me extremely anxious. Does jumpscares right, it’s not beating you over the head and most jumpscares are coincidental instead of being like “BOO! Haha got you” so I really enjoyed it. The mechanic for the stalkers is done super well, it’s fair but also punishing. It also has a great balance that Clock Tower 3 doesn’t where you have enough power that it’s not extremely annoying when stalkers find you, but you don’t have so much power that it isn’t scary. Overall consistent plot (even if it’s like a bit out there it makes sense… mostly). Good characters & motivations. Love dogs. AMAZING music and the game is beautiful. Also puzzles are hard but not too difficult all things considered. Good game.

100%ed:

+ Needy Streamer Overload ~ 6/10 ~ Decent. Kind of annoying. Hidden lore / complicated backstory that you piece together through clues is a plus. Very bad for my mental health for some reason. Never going to touch it again now that I’ve finished it. Also like it’s a good game I enjoy the gameplay but I find Ame annoying and I think the fanbase makes me overly critical of this game.

+ Heavy Rain (PC) ~ 9/10 ~ Throughly enjoyed this game. Made me miss my dad. Amazing game. Voice acting is kind of funny sometimes.

Forever Playing:

+ Animal Crossing Population Growing (GameCube) ~ museum not complete yet, $$$/10 ~ literally my childhood.

+ Animal Crossing New Horizons (switch) ~ museum not complete yet, $$$/10 ~ Terraforming & being able to put items outside gives me too many options so I get burned out and stressed out very easily playing this.

Want to play:

+ The clock tower series (blind)

+ Fatal frame series (blind)

+ Silent Hill 1 & 3 (blind)

+ Resident Evil series (majority blind)

+ Metal Gear series (blind)

+ Persona series (blind)

+ Elden Ring (blind)

+ Baulders Gate (blind)

+ Dark Souls (blind)

[kaylor]

as always you are so right on your opinions lmao.. cr will always have a special place in my hearth but since watching other (better) live plays and playing myself I cant sit through a single ep.. matt is great but he is almost too descriptive we dont need all of that matt please edit it down a little king, and the cast man i loved them but they are not decisive people like i feel like poking them with a stick (except travis thats my #1 rp on that table).. the most recent cr thing I watched was calamity and thats kinda cause brennan is great and the cast was stellar abria, lou travis! sam when he is actually playing of others <3 but idk it feels sad like I have outgrown them.. :/

anyway love your mind as always and what is your fave d20 season if you dont mind sharing? I have only watched A Court of Fey & Flowers and I loved it.. but I have no idea what to watch next hehe

calamity was SOOOOOO GOOD you're so right. brennan really rocked up at critrole HQ, showed everyone how it's done, killed 5/6 PCs and ruined the rest of CR forever because nothing will ever be that good ever again. the sexiest table we've ever seen. "this is going to be a to whom it may concern - i cast fireball" BITCH!!!!!!

i think campaign 3 would have really benefited from a more elaborate or expansive session zero because the vision matt has for the campaign does NOT align with the characters at all. it doesn't seem like they're on the same page at all. the mighty nein worked because they were all random people, they all had something unresolved or mysterious in their past, they all had secrets, and matt gave them a huge playground for them to develop those characters with plenty of scattered points of interest for them to choose. and even though it was just as chaotic as C3, it worked because they weren't on the clock.

i don't want to use the R word but bells hells are being railroaded into this predathos plot and NONE of them had ANY relationship with the gods, so it feels really unnatural for any of them to really pursue this beyond feeling like they should. orym and imogen have stronger motivations but orym is extremely passive and imogen just sits and whimpers about it making absolutely no decisions. it's very frustrating as a viewer and if i were DMing this i would be so frustrated with such indecisive players. but i think it's also on matt for inundating them with lore and plot so early on. all in all it's just not executed very well and it's disappointing.

oooh my fav d20 season i think is a court of fey and flowers or a crown of candy (not super keen on the ending, but i would have to rewatch and have a good think about what i would have done instead..). acofaf was just incredible, hats off to aabria for making me so invested in a fae bridgerton. WAIT ALSO MENTOPOLIS. i have never laughed so hard in my life. mike trapp and hank green were a DELIGHT. just absolutely incredible character choices all around. really enjoying fantasy high junior year so far, which is nice because sophomore year was a bit of a slog i'm ngl, probably because it was live and therefore unedited but i struggled sometimes to keep focused. junior year is fucking crisp though, everyone is on top form ❤️

[porkcutletbowl44]

I was going to send my rant a bit earlier but you posted the Simon analysis I was waiting so I had to read it (I'm a bit obsessed with your work, you do an amazing job on it). First about the new chapter, I'm so glad to see Simon finally trying to explain why he divorced from mama. One of my favorite kind of characters are the ones who don't have health behaviour, who know it but are just a complete mess at trying to make things right. Sometimes I think it looks like I hate his character, and I do, but I also love him. He's a character that's made to be disliked, specially at the first chapters were we don't have a glue about what are the motivations behind his actions, and to make us curious about how he ended to behave the way he does because during the start, the memories that are shown to us always present Simon as a loving, caring and basically the perfect husband and father. The flashbacks and the reactions that some characters (like mama and Johnny) has when they discover he wants a divorce implies that his family was something he cares above anything else, and considering he was being a asshole with them made me hungry for every little hint you gave us to explain why he decided to get a divorce. Honestly, I think you did a great job on this aspect. It makes things so more enjoyable when the characters are actually written in a realistic way (have seen some awful fics were a person((that's an actual character of the original thing the fic is inspired into)) is an jerk without any really good excuse for that😭). He makes me feel so many things like frustration, sadness and even nostalgia with all the old good memories he shares with mama. The way he feels guilty, sick even of the path his own insecurities lead his marriege and in the same time can't find the guts to say it out loud that he's insecure because he doesn't want to be vunerable is MESMERIZING TO READ💞💞💞. He makes me so mad I love it. The whole analysis, specifically the BPD part, it's just like how I imagined Simon's mindset to be. I'm really curious about what else you've in mind for the anothers, mostly for Keegan. You've shown some of how he behaves and how he behaves and I'm just too anxious to see more of him. As you said Far From Perfect it's about both Simon and Keegan, and since most chapters ever so far has been focused on Simon I'm eagerly waiting to see what you've cooked for him. What I think we can expect is for him to learn how to properly deal with his own feeling. For example this last chapter revealed that the love he feels for mama is far more complex and strong than anything he experienced ever so far in his whole life, and he's scared of how it might end. He's scared that she doesn't love him back, and it's completely understandable because of her own past (the divorce situation and the confusing feelings both her and Simon still feel) but I want to know how he'll handle it. He acts patiently, mostly passive during the fanfiction, of course not entirely, but I feel like his fear from rejction made him hold back way more than he would originaly have if his feelings weren't so strong. I really want to know if it has any relationship with past experiences(maybe old relationships that didn't work out) or just a genuine and natural insecurity he has for another factors. Canonically there isn't much info about Keegan's past life before military so I think you have a good space to create new lore for him if you decide to do so. To finish I just have one more question: Currently, how many months it has passed since mama and Simon divorced? I'm horrible realizing time and I just remember it passed more than 3 months since it happened (and I'm not entirely sure too-). Anyways, your writting is immaculate and I hope you continue doing such a lovely job in this fanfiction❤️❤️❤️

100%. I don't even know if I can add to this because it's amazing the way it is 😩💗

I've been doing a lot of Simon, yes, and I swear there's gonna be lots and lots of Keegan time for a hot minute. I have plenty planned for him, Keegan is already a complete opposite in dealing with things in the Simon department 🤣

Writing Simon is literally therapy for me. Imperfect, struggling with himself, coming to terms and figuring it all out so horribly messy, sorry but I can't completely hate him even though he frustrates me to write sometimes.

And for the last question! I left that part vague, because mama has depression and that affects memory with time spans and stuff, people with depression sometimes barely acknowledge a week has passed, so because she doesn't know, there's no telling. It's just months as described.

Thank you for this lovely ask and your amazing support 🫶🏻💛💛

[youngparadisedonut]

Hello 👋🏽 so this might not sound like I’m complementing you but I am

When I first found your page I just thought you were a hater with no life.. I think I found you when season four aired and I saw you talking about the Iris situation and let me just say I think I hold the crown for the biggest Carlos hater during season 4, they made me hate him but everytime I would look at your page I would be like we get it so why are you talking about him this much then. I wasn’t really involved in the fandom or has obsessed in the show back then as I am now and I have come to absolutely love tk, and I have found my group of friends on Twitter who love him also. from the moment I came into this fandom it was blatantly obvious biased towards Rafa/carlos (I mean we all saw how fast they were to never talk about ronen again..)that I just didn’t understand, it’s like they foams at the mouth anytime they talk about Rafa/carlos

The Carlos Stan’s have gotten a lot worse imo and we need tk defenders more then ever

What I’m trying to say is I used to see you and go if you don’t like something why are you talking about it but I never said that to people saying the nice things about the characters which is unfair cause we shouldn’t push people who are rightfully calling out characters too the side and make them talk about it with just there friends, if people can say good things, other people can be critical and we need people like you more then ever. Thank you for constantly calling out Carlos cause the watered down “criticism” he gets is such bs

He was not the best boyfriend, definitely not the best fiancée and he’s not gonna be the best husband in the beginning and I’m so tired of these women who are old enough too realize what he does is wrong making excuses after excuses and babying him so much. I think tk deserves way better instead of a man who constantly lies and puts things/people above him then crawls back crying when the damage is done

So just thank you for not stopping with this account cause this fandom is truly delusional when it comes to Carlos and then that fuck ass spinoff they want to do? With his partner who he has “special chemistry” with…

Thank you! I know that I can be very annoying sometimes hahaha.

I’m so frustrated about how TK is often treated by the fandom and the writers. He was criticized for not being ready for a relationship with Carlos, even if he was recovering from a relapse after the boyfriend he proposed to said he was in love with another guy (and probably cheated on him). He was blamed for the breaking up with Carlos after Carlos triggered him by making a big decision that affected both of them without talking to him first, and no one (not the fandom, not the writers) recognized that his motives for the break up were valids. The amount of hate he got just because Cooper was his sponsor was horrifying.

Carlos hiding a marriage, being so dismissive of TK with the wife jokes, blaming TK for Iris disappearance and acting so hostile towards TK was objectively so much worse than any mistake that TK did in their relationship, but I saw feel people calling him out on his bulshit. People even found Iris interactions with TK funny. Everything was fine as long as their favorite could get alway with it. The double standards where very clear.

(It’s so sad how TK has such a kind heart and loves so big)

(Yet no one ever chooses him first)

(Owen with his job)

(Carlos with Iris)

When I saw the news about Carlos and his partner who he has “special chemistry” with was the nail in the coffin for me. Like, nope. I already know where this is going. People will ship Carlos with his partner (even if he turns out to be in a happy relationship) and compare him with TK, how he is so much better and supportive tham TK and Carlos definitely should be with him instead, especially during the probable Jonah arc.I'm not gonna put myself into that.

[noturachyls]

Lemme just vent because my dad wouldn't understand

My dad is the most wonderful dad in the world. Every child feels that way towards their dad and so do I. He would fulfill my wishes and give me things which I never asked for but still surprise me with them. It's just such a wonderful bond.  He always motivated me to work harder and always wants me to smile. I totally love him.

But from quite some time, I feel disconnected from him. Sometimes, I don't understand him. Sometimes, he doesn't understand me. God, it's so frustrating.

Ever since my brother has started to play cricket and told us he wants to pursue his career in it, my dad, being the most supportive dad in the world, has been helping and supporting my brother in every way. I'm very happy, at least my brother has his priorities set at the age of 9. When I was 9, all I could think was if I ate watermelon seeds, a tree might grow in my stomach lol.

But because of all this, me and my dad, we've become quite distant. We don't talk as much (not that we would talk much before all this but now it's just awkward). I feel uncomfortable to be with him. Even if he talks to me, it's always about my studies and my exams. As if I don't have a life outside of these. 

His very presence just makes me feel inferior. His gaze is what I despise the most. It's like a king looking down upon his slaves. I know I'm exaggerating it, but to me it feels that way.

I wish he would talk to me about my day, not just lecture me about using my phone all day. I mean yes I do, but I'm not texting anyone. I don't even have real friends.

That's what makes me hate home AND school. I don't have real friends. I've already seen the true intentions of people quite many times and I don't think I wanna make more friends. At least not close friends. Every time I try to do so, they just end up excluding and hurting me so why bother now.  I can't share how I feel to my parents without feeling guilty (I don't even know why, I just feel like I'm doing wrong by being sad when my parents try to keep me happy. But is that my fault?). I can't share it to any friend. Guess I'll just keep it bottled up. As if anyone would care. No one does. I'm nothing but an extension to my family and my "friends". Even if I wasn't there, everything would function normally. 

I still feel like I wanna write more but I'll just end it here. I can just go on and on and then it'll be really boring. It already is but NOT LIKE YOU WOULD READ THIS AS WELL.

~achlys

[invisibleicewands]

BBC One’s Best Interests captures the horror of parental grief

When does Jack Thorne sleep? When does he eat? Right now, he has plays on at both the National Theatre (The Motive and the Cue, about John Gielgud’s 1964 Broadway production of Hamlet starring Richard Burton), and the Donmar Warehouse (When Winston Went to War with the Wireless, about Churchill and the BBC); a new series, Best Interests, beginning on BBC One, which I’m about to review for you; and an adaptation of William Golding’s novel Lord of the Flies, also for television, firmly under way. Speaking as something of a Stakhanovite myself – I write this from the spike on which I begin sitting every morning at 9am sharp, Protestant to my very buttocks – his output amazes me. And it’s not as if he’s knocking out gentle comedies. Everything he does is potentially hazardous, its subject matter thorny and contested.

Best Interests stars Sharon Horgan and Michael Sheen as the parents of a severely disabled child who is lying in a hospital, unconscious and attached to many machines. Her doctors believe her latest crisis has resulted in brain damage, that no future treatment is likely to be effective in her case, and that she will never be able to go home. They would like her care to be palliative. Her mother, Nicci (Horgan), however, refuses to accept this. When the series begins, we see her arriving at a courtroom, where she will fight the hospital’s decision on legal grounds. But we also see that she is alone. Her husband, Andrew (Sheen), turns up separately, looking exhausted, lost and sad.

The first half of the series is told in flashback, as we find out how the couple got here. I think, perhaps, that Thorne has made Nicci and Andrew just a little too saintly as parents – in the better times, before their daughter Marnie (brilliantly played by Niamh Moriarty) suffered this crisis – and it seems unlikely to me that a couple who are carers would be so frisky as to attempt sex in the loo of a train. But everything else feels just right. I admire particularly the attention Thorne gives to their other daughter, Katie (Alison Oliver), whom they inadvertently (and sometimes not so inadvertently) neglect, so taken up are they by Marnie’s needs. It’s beautifully done, the quietness of Katie’s rebellion; the way her protests are always stymied by the whole family’s fear and guilt over Marnie.

I read one review that insisted Best Interests is “even-handed”, which makes it sound more like a school ethics lesson than an involving drama. But I don’t think this is so – which is why, in the end, it works for me. As Marnie’s health deteriorates, and the hospital brings in mediators, Nicci is visited by the blank-faced representative of some Christian right-to-life group, which feeds her untruths and offers to fund her legal battle. Thanks to this, a kind of madness besets her. If its real engine is her grief – and Horgan makes us feel that it is – the fuel on which it’s running day to day has to do with delusion; she has been preyed upon.

Horgan and Sheen are magnificent in their roles, fully inhabiting their characters. Sometimes we like them, and sometimes we really don’t, which is as it should be. Horgan gives Nicci a fierce distractedness that comes to exclude everyone and everything save for Marnie. Sheen makes Andrew, who is kind and patient, resilient at first, and then painfully isolated. When his frustration – and horror, for he cannot bear his child to be in pain – finally breaks through, it makes emotional sense, as if it’s the end of something rather than its beginning.

I hope Sheen takes note of this: my admiration of him in this series; the complete suspension of my disbelief. A few days ago, in an interview, he spoke about who should be allowed to play what. He said he did not really believe it when non-Welsh actors played Welsh characters. Also, that most actors are not able convincingly to play a social class different to their own. Personally, I think this is a bit silly. But the best argument in his case is probably simply to tell him that I was moved and convinced by his role as the parent of a dying child. And wasn’t it more of a stretch by far than Tony Blair’s evangelistic estuary, Brian Clough’s snarling Smoggie?