#i guess we will find out in the morning
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home can be a person too
shoutout to @kienava for just suggesting drawing them in bed
#critical role#imogen temult#laudna#imodna#my things#something something we deserve a soft epilogue blah blah#lets ignore my sad attempt at a background#anyway in the future they're fine and cozy and sleeping away a lazy morning#just this once tho usually they got farm chores to do#god trying to find the quote so I could write it out was. hmm#cr subreddit is….something else#thanks google I guess
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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okay update: kitty is going to be okay, but we will need to switch his diet since he had a urinary blockage, which can be fatal in cats. i cried a lot but it's ok because he's going to be okay 🤞 going to do something to take my mind off of it when i get home
#im crying because we've been in and out of vet offices all day and spent like 2 hours this morning trying to find ones that were open#and i didn't sleep well last night because i was so terrified that he would die#and then to top it all off the bill for the visit was fucking insane. my mom's bf covered it and i feel really bad but there's no way we#-could have afforded it otherwise#and now i miss him. i miss him a lot. and i feel terrible. and he's not going to die but i keep thinking about the outcome if we had#-delayed the visit any longer. and. fuck. that's terrifying.#i am going to cuddle my other cat really hard when we get back#tw animal sickness#< i guess idk how to trigger tag this#bee.txt
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the downside to being a sitcom neighbour sort of person is that when rough things happen and emotionally fuck u up a lil bit, it also sounds completely made up
#bert's dead dad tag#found out today the way my dad told mom he wanted a divorce?#he wrote her a letter and left it on the dining room table for her to find on the morning of her fortieth birthday#who the fuck does that dead father#like that is the sort of thing i would entirely make up if i needed everyone at the table to fuckin hate an npc#and at least one person would go 'you're laying it on a little bit heavy'#i know he did work to become a better person as he got older#which is good because BOY howdy was that man a piece of shit in the early 90s#and we are having Complicated feelings about it tonight and also for the last nine months#something something when i was writing his eulogy i came across an old article discussing something he did in the 90s#YDIP (your dad is problematic)#like yeah this is the sort of thing that would have been vaguely acceptable in the cultural context#but like. still objectively bad. potentially ruining several lives sort of bad.#learned this and then wrote the rest of his eulogy about how he was a great guy and how i'm lucky to have been his son#(which was rough enough on its own because i've never said 'i'm [dad's name]'s son' as many times as i did that trip home)#but like what else do you do? i sent off a message looking for more information#and that information if it comes is just gonna sit with me i guess#sure as hell not telling my sister and this whole thing i've been getting through without really having anyone here for me to talk to#(hence the big fuckoff tag rant. your problem now losers who like clicking the read more button)#so even if i get all the answers i want about this one thing it's not gonna do any good except putting an end to one question#but part of having a dead dad who's been out of the business of forming new memories since you came out is having more questions#answering this one's just gonna add even more questions to the pile#but. got fuckall else to do
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chat i am NOT appreciating the stares i got from walking across campus to cvs in my hoodie and sweatpants as if we didn’t just sit through ANOTHER hurricane like chill man i didn’t sleep well let me get my monster to finish my logic homework in peace 😭
#spent all night having not quite nightmares not quite stress dreams#periodically woken up by storm noises (sleeping with your back to a window during a hurricane when you get shellshock from loud storm noises#- is NOT a fun experience i would not recommend)#and THEN getting woken up at 5 am by an emergency alert warning about flash floods until like 11:45 when i have a 10 am class that morning 🙃#luckily my professor cancelled class for that (and my other class was cancelled for it to)#but tbh i was NOT gonna walk 7 minutes to the second farthest building on campus through that either way#i was just gonna send him a pdf of my homework and say ‘i’m not walking through a flash flood for this class sorry 😭’#also my school didn’t do shit for this?? they’ve been sending us emails all week about dangerous weather#but made SURE to add in all caps in every one that classes and stuff will go on as normal#cofc doesn’t stop until we’re dead i guess what the fuck 😭#scratch that i mean everything’s as normal except half of our dining halls are closed. so i have to walk 7 minutes out for food anyway 🙃#BECAUSE MY SNACK STASH IS DEPLETED BECAUSE ITS BEEN JANKY ALL WEEK 🙃🙃🙃#what was this post about again??#WAIT AND THEN THE NORMAL ‘AROUND CAMPUS’ ROUTE I TAKE TO MY HOUSE WAS CLOSED#SO I HAD TO GO THROUGH THE MAIN PART OF CAMPUS#IN MY HOODIE & SWEATS & CARRYING MY MONSTER & POP TARTS#WHILE THERE WERE LIKE THREE TOUR GROUPS STANDING THERE I WANNA DIEEEEEE#wait i can’t say that anymore. uhhh hold on let me find the list. ummm. ‘i’m gonna start a scam company’ there we go.#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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kitten acquisition is likely actually happening this weekend
i think i am going to get one orange male and one calico female
now i have to pick names (which i am being indecisive about lol) and schedule spay/neuter and other basic vet things which is unexpectedly stressful hnnnng
#i will post pics when i get them!!#i haven't seen them since they were like 2-3 weeks old so i'm still picturing them as tiny babies#but they are bigger now lol#i feel bad just kinda arbitrarily picking which ones i'm gonna take but uhhh that's life i guess#i have a list of like 15 vet clinics to call tomorrow morning to see if i can find one that has a reasonable price for spays and neuters#had no idea it was so expensive rip#the one i called today said 'oh we can't give you an estimate until you bring them in for an appointment first'#so idk if they're all going to say that and i'm going to have to pick one and go in blind#and hope they don't charge me $300 each#hrrg oh well#it will work out!!#WE ARE NOT GOING TO CREATE MORE KITTENS!!!!!!#p
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. (Tw: mention of death)
#started my day crying#so an online friend of mine passed away a little over a year ago#none of her irl friends and family knew about our little community that she was the admin of#so it took several months and a Google search of her legal name to find out#this morning i was hit with the fact that i was the only one in the server who knew#and had a long conversation with our other mod about it#like immediately upon waking up#which im glad we did#it gave him some closure#as well as a few members that are still active and knew her#but at ths same time now it seems real#like shes really gone#and now we get up and do the dishes i guess#dare rants
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whyyyyyyy did google slides make it harder to put in different layouts of slides ;_; why from two clicks to three in an entirely different place
#i have spent so much of the morning and yesterday just. hating modern internet practices#i was trying to find a template from a place that a few years ago used to be a great resource#but now 1. it's been bought by canva so it turns out i can't even use the google slides templates without being a canva member i guess#2. any search term will bring in all even slightly miss-spelled terms#like searching for nautical got nativity#this is like. the opposite of helpful#and now i'm trying to do my OWN thing and google slides is like what if we just made everything harder to do :)#i had gotten briefly excited about their updated internal templates but honestly i'd rather have the older less slick ones and not have the#stupid layout button in an entirely different place#mine
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I'm in the throws of a depressive episode and had the ability to fuck around with clip studio for a few hours, bone apple teeth but here’s an older something of Mol
#baldur’s gate 3#mol bg3#bee's art#i guess?#i started out tying to find a specific texture and just kept messing with stuff#not to get personal but mental ilness is so annoying like babe pack it in we got work in the morning#bg3
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i would beg my brain chemistry to magically realign itself on a sensed wavelength before I end up begging for meds i don’t think it’s too much to ask is it /s
#personal for ts#ngl i get why therapist would rather not but god i just cried for twenty minutes#because i couldn’t find the thing you use to put water in the iron#and i looked at the living room desk which is a complete mess and burst out in tears#i’m late answering EVERYTHING I can’t bring myself to get out of bed at the right time in the morning#I need to finish commissions and I can’t do three sentences#and ofc 90% of the relatives think that i either need to calm down and NO NEED TO STRESS or think i have no reason to be stressed anyway#i’m so fucking tired#and like i know that i’m shit at getting over things quick and i just got worse with age#idek what i’m getting at#and i feel ridiculous bc ik what kicked me into the spiral#and i need to get the fuck over it because there is no way i’m getting any closure on that front#i KNOW that#but my brain doesn’t i guess#we’re back at i am this picture and i don’t like ir while staring at stannis baratheon aren’t we#sigh#anyway sorry for the debbiedownering s2g im answering everyone soon
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life is pretty much about learning to love your solitude and making the most of it huh?
#i was driving from Walmart when i noticed a white suv alone in the parking space at Wendy's and there was an elderly lady eating on her own#and it just hit me that life is lonely sometimes#i got a little sad at first but then i thought maybe she just got a craving or maybe even though she is alone in that moment#she has a family and friends that loves her#or maybe she's okay with living this life of solitude and is making the most of it#idk#i guess i've been more aware of people being on their own#it got me wondering: do people who have families partners kids ever still feel lonely and sad?#i wonder if i ever find a partner and if we ever have kids.. will i still be unable to shake off this loneliness and sadness in me?#maybe?#but even then#i always try to BREATH and smile at life#i have this opportunity of making the most of it and do my best#what more can as of than that? a chance.#😊😊😊😊#sigh#oh well#this was just a little existential feeling i had this morning#i am stressed out with finals this week but i submitted my essay last night (🙌🏽 woohoo) and i am going to make myself some mean fish tacos#for dinner.#but before that i am going to enjoy a nice cold weather walk at the park#and finish my day watching cheesy low budget random romantic movies#all is well#😊😊😊#personal#oh and i have a job interview tomorrow so sighhhhhhhhhh
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after today’s news, i’m trying to make myself feel a little bit better by working on my fic.
i don’t think it’s working
#and all of this happened 24 hours ago while we were just living our own lives unaware of what we would find out the following morning#it’s just crazy how this stuff works#it was definitely a ‘wrong place wrong time’ type of thing#does anyone ever feel like a sense of guilt when a well known athlete/celebrity dies?#it’s like#why would the universe do this#why did it have to happen that way#why couldn’t have they lived a full life like they deserved to#it’s just utterly tragic#it’s like you feel guilty for still being alive while they’re dead#when you know for a fact they shouldn’t be#i wish there was some sort of explanation for this type of stuff but that’s just how the world works i guess#do not take any day for granted. this is proof why#abby’s announcements
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Trying to utilize my queue more often! I forget how useful it can be... I need to slow down more! I would like to, anyway. I want to stop and give a better appreciation to the artists I reblog on my side blog.
Today feels like a slow day... A bit of a pain day, but I hate sitting in bed all day. I think I'll get some sewing done today, maybe watch a show or a video essay on YouTube? Maybe even get some reading in.. I need to visit the library again soon!
I would have really liked to get some art or writing done today but I don't know how much it'll help me being in pain and cranky like this! Not much, I think. Bwaha!
#Just rambling and thoughts ..#I still dont have a concrete answer to why i have pain spikes like this or what causes them#I got health insurance now! so I need to find a doctor and maybe go through the test roulette again#I have a feeling it has something to do with hypermobility ever since our partner pointed out it wasn't normal!#Our skin is also apparently very soft and stretchy? I didn't know that was not normal! Bwaha!#Very interesting... That explains why we loved gymnastics and yoga I guess!#I should pick up Yoga again... Morning stretches!#dolly's rambles
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#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just#feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives#function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty#god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student#so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self#destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure#rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done#but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry#and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen#ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i#didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there#i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a#wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.#idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues?#i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell#unrelated
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Well hi lady at the print counter at Walmart being a huge cunt right out of the gate for no reason
#'hi i'm here to pick up a pri-' 'did you get the right address?'#i'm pretty sure it's because I went to pick it up yesterday and they couldn't find it (because apparently I DID have the wrong address)#and the guys who were helping me insisted on looking even though i was like 'no it's fine i can come back tomorrow!'#and I was SUPER polite and understanding or at least that was my intention#and they probably told her that someone was gonna be picking up a print today and she just decided that instead of explaining#that she'd just rudely get irritable with me over a simple mistake#i'm frustrated with myself because this is the SECOND time I've done this but goddamn lady did you have to be such a bitch about it?#like right out of the gate with me not even getting to finish my sentence?#it's morning and i'm having a fibro flare up but i put on my happy sweetie social voice for you#ALSO TWO EMPLOYEES CHECKED THE EMAIL OVER YESTERDAY AND WE ALL THOUGHT THE ADDRESS WAS RIGHT#so idkwtf is going on i guess we're all just blind and bad with remembering addresses#GOD#vent
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I Hope. My parents are not. Mad at me.
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