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breakingbutch · 18 days ago

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preface / a key for this concept map

hi im thalia, curator of this collection, theres a lot of shit in here i’ve learned over the yeaars trying to be kind to myself as best i can and enjoy life and be nice to other people and shit. this is what helps me do that i think. i have memory issues and this is all stuff thats been said before but i’m gonna put it in front of u in some somewhat neat somewhat messy piles. some of it probably has ssome academic backing or smth but i could never honestly tell you which parts i’m stealing and which parts im making up. try to read with an open mind lmao. that way i can really get my worms in u. i'm also typing this howeveer idrc my keyboard is weird sometimes n i jus let it do that if it wants. could also be my shaky hands. whaatever, call it a unique narrative voice

its gonna draw a lot on concepts i talked about with my class n they all probably have notes somewhere and they might notice similarities between this n like death of ivan ilyich, wit, trans a memoir, safe, the elephant man, stuff like

disability (for me its h-eds, go google it, but like essentially its the youre in a doubtable amount of agony always disease its so fun)

transness

autism

ocd

cptsd

multiplicity

schizophrenia

depression / mania

borderline personality disorder

immune system / stress disorders

"hypochondria" (BULLSHIT concept)

mortality (confronting and embracing and resisting and whatever)

#thefreakshow (reassurance for able bodied folks that they are normal and not so unfortunate, a place for freaks to see themselves empowered through freedom from shame and monetary gain, an instance where someone is deemed abberant and laughed at, and all the cruelty that implies)

#caregiving the dynamic between a sick person (hi thats me) and their caretakers and people around them and doctors and such

#medicaldrive trying to become “healthy” in whatever that means

being #monstrous, inhuman, needing to be changed or fixed to be acceptable for society, having caretaking needs beyond what others are capable of, acting in strange or harmful ways, being visually unacceptable (elephant man)

#unseendescent living in a body you know to be certainly doomed while others insist on the lie of hope, refusing to mourn you with you before you leave (death of Ivan ilyich, butterfly and diving bell to an extent)

#butterfly having a vast internal life you have no way of externalizing, thru paralyzation of the body socially or physically (the diving bell and the butterfly, trans memior)

#intrainterpersonalvoid the great distances that can exist between a self, the surface of the self, and others (elephant man, the diving bell and the butterfly)

#selftorture finding joy in a monotonous or painful or humiliating or degrading or otherwise negative state of being (the diving bell and the butterfly)

self sacrifice for society, #martyrdom for academia and medicine and other institutions, the beauty of it when it is chosen and the horror when you are selected arbitrarily or otherwise for sainthood (wit, the silt verses)

#lonelyartiste dedication to a craft as isolative

#happyhermit isolative existences as bearable and free of judgement, but also as lonely and maddening

#amisafe drives for saftey, for hiding and running away from pain and fear and negativity and how that doesn't guarantee a better life, how it can easily lead to a more isolated life (safe)

#woundedchild disability feminizing all forms, how it makes one appear less strong or capable or trustworthy or autonomous, needing a caretaker (safe)

#woundeddog disability masculinizing all forms, driving us to seek strength and autonomy over others, to impose pain on them (death of Ivan ilyich)

#whereisme questions of where identity is stored in the body, whether it is the brain and the memories or the body and it's reactions

#dataerror dementia / alzhiemers, memory loss and the fear and distress it can cause the self and others

#erraticity parkinsons, mania, loss of control of the self and the body and the fear and distress it can cause the self and others

loving the body as an animal that once had a self attached to it, as a monument and memory of that self (a splinter of a dad is better than no dad at all from the diving bell and the butterfly

#interpersonaldependence, living in symbiosis / parasitism with those around us, communication and trust without judgement surrounding needs

#narrativizingillness telling stories, simplified or romanticised or wwhatever versions of the past, about ourselves to better understand how to move forward, relying on others to read that story and give us kind and helpful advice, sometimes by telling their own story

here's the playlist of songs that will eventually be featured on this blog for lyrical analyzation

questions of this text

which philosophical approaches help me to be kindest to myself?

which attitudes towards death and suffering free me most from fear and discomfort?

how can I inscribe my identity upon my body in a way that protects me from those that wish me harm and endear me to those who wish me well?

to what extent can my strategic mental frameworks ease and reinterpret my pain?

how do we find ourselves? through others? through experimentation? through reactive aversion?

how can we love those with monstrous qualities?

symbols to look for

things

houses - personification of the house, a body that is written upon and lived in, haunted by ghosts of all who have lived there, theres a great jacob geller video on this, bees are inseparable from beehives

technology - humans are inseparable from our technology, so it is part of our organism, the material world pushed through the filter of our consciousness, the computer as a part of the brain, a different storage location, medical advancements as facets of human existence without judgment, eg treatments and the states they leave us in eg prosthetics, plastic / top / bottom surgery, drugs like chemo, hrt, even medically unconventional drugs like alcohol and weed and such

burning / fire - self destruction / aggression, the stage before rebirth, the phoenix alight

life from death - flowers on graves, the stage after rebirth, the egg in the ashes, a new self from the old

eyes - perception and interpretation, scopophobia and agoraphobia as well as narcissism, desperation for it / repulsion from it

masks - the curated self as a performance for others, customer service voice, code switching, autism, the ability to be someone else with great effort

places

the void - you aren’t supposed to be here, biologically, socially, mentally, it is unsafe, if you're here you’re dead or dying, the further in you drift the farther you get from humanity at large, but we long for it nonetheless, the sea, substances, bliss, nirvana, euphoria from unorthodox sources, wonderful location for self destruction

the city - human community manifest, a place designed and intended for you, healing doctors and nourishing restaurants, togetherness, the further in you go the harder it is to get away from others, from perception, from judgement and laws

people

the internal family dynamics - seeing oneself as being made of the people who have been in your life, perspectives you have experienced the impact of, each can become overactive within the self, and overlap with the other in weight of presence at any given moment

inner caretaker - managing your self as one would a child, soothingly, that eases pain effortfully, operator the coping skills we have learned from others

inner child - the strong averse reaction to stimuli, the desire for petty comforts that must be indulged in from time to time, feels the things we need to cope with

inner aggressor - the averse reaction to self or others, Adrienne’s “dog” who tears at her sweater, the destructive responses to stimuli we have learned from others, death drive

inner protector

inner lover - the attractive reaction to self, others, or stimuli, the ability to appreciate and be drawn to, the positive, creative response to stimuli we have learned from others, life drive

inner animal - the unthinking, bodily response, the knee jerk, the growl of a stomach, the fur on your legs, the baseline default continuance, body without consciousness

feared self - the version of yourself avoided being, the most rejected version of the self, the negative aspects you think may be part of you, that you see in others and are repulsed by

desired self - the version of yourself striven to be, the positive aspects you don’t believe you have, that you see in others and desire them for

the monstrous - ways in which we are demonized and made to seem inherently cruel or evil, archetypes we are pushed into when we unsettle or harm others

werewolves - one who is inseparable from their feared self, inner animal, then inner aggressor, due to cultural pressures of perception and the confined space of the roles it is allowed in (dog or man), feral dominant dissociation during sex

dolls - one who is inseparable from their desired self, idealized moldable femininity, innocence and youth, due to cultural pressures of perception and the confined space of the roles it is allowed in (infant or maid) fragility passive submissive dissociation during sex

vampires - one who is inseparable from their feared self and desired self, inner caretaker, then inner lover, then inner aggressor, trust turned sour, an unbelievably talented and powerful and influential figure, plotter, schemer, keeper of eldritch knowledge that grants control of others, active dominant vocal intelectual presence during sex

sirens - one who is inseparable from their feared and desired self, inner child, then inner lover, then inner aggressor, alluringly talented in irresistible ways, love as illusion for predation, form that grants control over others, active submissive vocal intelectual presence during sex

parasite - any piece of the family dynamic can take this role and each do so in their own unique way, one who's interpersonal dependancy is greater than their capacity to contribute positively to those dynamics

host - this role is filled by those older or more keenly aware of the surroundings, who serve as guides and protectors, who the outside information is filtered through, has a unique capacity for inducing fear once soured, think the betrayal of a house you trusted turning out to be haunted, realizing you are a drone of a cruel machine

#thefreakshow #caregiving #monstrous #butterfly #unseendescent #selftorture #martyrdom #lonelyartiste #happyhermit #amisafe #woundedchild #woundeddog #whereisme #dataerror #erraticity #interpersonaldependence #narrativizingillness #my contributions

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eziojensenthe3rd · 4 months ago

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Midnight Gaming: A tale of Horny Furries

So I played The Crown Of Leaves past midnight, checked socials to find... Silksong confirmed to NOT appear in tuesdays games onl.

So Geoff Keighley cleared the air on twitter, letting hollow knight fans know not to hold thier breath for silksong this tuesday.

I havent played hollow knight myself but im aware that a lot of people enjoyed it and were waiting for the dlc-that-got-changed-to-a-sequel game. Send a prayer and hug to any hollow knight fans you see, y'aint all back quite yet.

So heres a lil story, I started following an artist few years back when I first saw their artwork and it enchanted me. Thier artwork contained characters in scenes just looking fantastic, different little details that were enjoyable to search, you know the term a picture is worth a thousand words? Theirs were worth a whole novel each. All of it wrapped in a world that you only get a glimpse of with each picture, accompanied with a description that tells a very short story. You know how dark souls had a lot of its lore within item and weapon descriptions? Same vibe and I loved them. It was the kind of world I wished there was some media, like a book, an animation, a game perhaps, where I could explore that world more.

So I followed this artist for a while, got excited for every new bit of art they posted, and over time they changed some things. About their characters, about the world. It was gradual so I paid no mind at first but eventually it got to the point where I realised I enjoyed their art less than I did before. The art was still good, the quality was still fantastic, I just dont feel as interested in them as I did before. They changed their characters and world so much, it just didn't do it for me. I could show you two images of what looked like two characters and hear me explain to you that they're infact the same character, ones just a more recent characterisation.

Now let me make this clear here, this is purely my personal opinion here. If the artist is happy with thier changes, then thats fine, more power to them. Its their world and characters to do with, my thoughts do not override that. I am not demanding they revert those changes just to suit my taste, i'd rather they didnt do that and just do what appeals to them. To make art for themselves. And if you happen to figure out who I'm talking about, please keep it to yourself. I do not want this artist harrassed on my behalf so please dont, this is a me problem.

Now as I said, I loved the look of their world that I wanted something like a game to explore it. So one day as I browsed the steam store, I managed to stumble across this game that had me shook. The screenshots, the characters, the enviroments. It looked a tad similar to the artist I followed but it was an entirely different world, tho it carried the spirit of what drew me in with that previous artists work in the first place and I checked to be sure, that artist's name was nowhere in the credits so they werent involved at all in this. Needless to say I picked it up just on that principle alone and... didnt play it until last night. Funny how that works.

So The Crown Of Leaves is a visual novel/point and click hybrid with following different routes and talking to folks like a visual novel and collecting items, solving puzzles like a point and click. Your just following a simple day as roui, trying to get by until some weird shit happens. And thats all im gonna say on the story without spoiling it. Listen, when I started playing, it had me hooked. The art just gut punched me right in the very place I felt was missing. It drew me in like the art I used to study with that old artist. Clicking on various objects just to hear little snippets, grabbing lil pieces of lore about the world I was in, seeing the characters and hearing them talk, their personalities just fleshed out and fascinating. Man, I was practically in love all over again.

In fact, im just gonna fill the rest of this post with some of this games art just so you can see what I mean.

Now, I do recommend this game but there is one thing you should know. The game isnt done, so far theres only two chapters with chapter three in progress but bare in mind it is a small indie team so take my recommendation with a grain of salt. Regardless you should definatly pick it up.

Maybe 18th century furries that live in a fantasy world that have a sort of gothic/mystical vibe do be one of my favourite genders.

See you all tomorrow. Feel free to leave game suggestions and feedback. Anons are currently on.

#midnight gaming #furry art #visual novel #the crown of leaves #hollow knight #geoff keighley #gaming #good fucking art

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 1 year ago

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I don't know who else to turn to about this, because I want to ask the question but I don't want to get -cancelled- Can you tell me why so called "terfs"/radfems are wrong? because as far as I can tell they make a lot of sense but I know that makes me a "bigot" I just don't understand why. Men have already taken so much from us, is is so much to ask that they leave us the identity of womanhood? This is a serious question if thats okay.

…

(I’d like to find a gif of a character pouring out a glass of alcohol for something like this. On the other hand, I don’t drink, so it would be distinctly out of character…)

Okay, let’s see if I can explain this to the best of my ability.

It’s not men who are coming after you, not in this case. Because Trans women are women, and that’s a full sentence. It’s a fact. And that’s the real point here, but I’ll either persuade you that it’s true, or I won’t. At a certain point, I can’t choose what to believe for you. I can only tell you that on this one, you are wrong. TERFs are some of the most disappointing enemies we face in the fight for LGBT rights, because you are so, so close to getting the point, and yet you still miss it by a mile. The irony is that misogynists and other bigots of a similar caliber are glad you exist. Because intentionally or not, you are doing their dirty work for them.

Let me try to put it another way.

Let me ask you a single question - why. Why would men make the choice to “pretend” they’re women? The current social climate doesn’t exactly welcome trans people with open arms. People are being ostracized to the point of suicide. People are being murdered. Coming out as Trans typically involves, at the very least, changed pronouns and possibly a different name. But in the examples that TERFS usually talk about, it involves men “dressing up” as women. It often involves physical transitioning, up to and including sexual reassignment surgery. I repeat my question - why? Why would a cisgender man pretend to be otherwise? What benefit are they going to gain from that? The Patriarchy has done everything in it’s power to reduce womanhood, and with that in mind…why would men ever want to “steal” it from you? So they can go into a girl’s bathroom to assault people? I shouldn’t have to remind you of this, but men have been walking into girl’s bathrooms and assaulting them since the dawn of time, without bothering to use a disguise. They don’t need to do that. Our system is so fucked that they’d get away with it just fine in plain clothes, and that’s a bigger problem. You know what else is a bigger problem? Trans people having their privacy invaded when they try to use the bathroom they’re comfortable with. What does it even matter? It’s a bathroom. They don’t need to be gender-segregated in the first place, and plenty of them aren’t. So I’ll say it one more time - why? What’s the motive here?

While I can understand the instinct that there are certain things only cisgender women experience…that sentiment is true for just about every group you can conceivably name. Trans women likewise have unique experiences, just as Trans men do. And cis men. And nonbinary folk like myself. It’s not a competition. We should all be on the same side if we stand for equal rights. And that’s the main problem with the TERF ideology. You’re not standing for equals rights. I know you think you are, but you’re not. Who are you, who are any of us, to tell a Trans person that their identity is wrong? I assume you’ve heard of dysphoria, but if you’re cisgendered, that’s another experience that you can’t truly know or understand yourself. And speaking honestly, neither can I. But maybe I don’t have to understand it entirely. Maybe I just need to be considerate and look out for other people. Maybe feminism means standing up for the rights of all women, even the ones who don’t fit our perception of what it means to be a woman.

Because that perception is largely built on the back of the gender binary.

I should put this out there, I am not a psychiatrist. I’m not even claiming to be particularly smart. But this is my interpretation of what’s going on here, and I think there’s some merit to it. I believe transphobia is largely rooted in misogyny. Because the Patriarchy’s power comes from the pecking order that’s been established and entrenched into every aspect of our lives. And you can’t keep women properly subjugated if the definition of a “woman” isn’t clearly defined and based on traits that cannot be negotiated or changed, like the genitals we’re born with. The misogynists at the top depend on this gender binary, and on the two sexes being irrevocably linked to it. What if the people we thought were men yesterday turn out to be women today? How does that calculate in the inherent system we have for men and women? It’s just too confusing, right? Makes it too difficult to keep everyone in their allotted places.

But it does more than that. It interferes with the way young men are supposed to think and feel, what they’re socialized to think and feel. A boy can’t have feelings for another boy without being “gay” and that’s not supposed to happen, but that’s easy enough to work around. Just don’t date boys. But hold on a second! If the gender binary is thrown out and we accept the premise of trans women (as we should) this completely upends the system. Now they can’t judge people as men or women, with all the preconceived notions they have about both sexes, because just looking at a person no longer tells you what they are. And the misogynists cannot stand that. Because it prevents them from assigning people their designated role, and in doing so, it puts them in a place they fear. Now they can’t tell if the women they pursue are actually “men” or not. This is the infamous concept of the “trap.” Not only has led to trans women getting murdered, but historically, the “trans panic” defense actually held up in court! People committed literal hate crimes and got away with it.

…Can you see why Trans women are not the real enemies here? You think they represent the demographic that has always preyed on you, but that’s simply not true. They’ve been turned into a scapegoat because the only solution bigotry could think of, to subjugate trans people and stop them from destroying the precious gender binary…was to sexualize their identities and try to paint them as predators. So the people who should be their allies will turn against them. And the TERF movement is proof that it worked.

Like I said, I can’t make this journey for you. I may not even be able to convince you of anything I’ve written here. But if you’re wondering why TERFs are “canceled” this is why. Because, from where we’re standing, you’re fighting for the wrong side. The LGBT movement includes the “T.” Excluding any letter (and there are more, I’m just using the shorthand) goes against the entire spirit of what the movement is about in the first place.

#LGBTQ #LGBT #LBGTQ Rights #Terf #Feminism #Gender Binary #Patriarchy #Trans Pride #Trans Women #Trans Community #trans exclusionists #trans exclusionary radical feminist

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keefwho · 5 months ago

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July 11 - 2024 Thursday

10:50pm

3.5/10

Instead of cleaning today I played some VRchat and checked out new worlds hoping to meet some strangers. All I encountered were some Japanese folks. But the important thing was that I had nothing to clean and I wanted to shake things up so I shamelessly got on to do what I wanted.

This morning there was a tree in the road that mom asked me to help her move. It turned out it was much bigger that we thought so I used my survival chainsaw to cut and move it myself. I felt good about that, I did something helpful. In exchange mom took me to buy a bottle of sweet tea. In the store her friend Rick started talking to me about Home Depot and digital advertising wondering if it could be relevant to my work. I told him probably not but that it was interesting.

Work was fine today and afterwards I wrote about my insecurities. It's been on my mind a lot today and I made some good progress. I realized my need to talk about certain heavy topics so much comes from a need to know that I'm not being judged and that everything is okay. Because I severely judge myself for my issues. On and off today I was feeling super shitty and pretty good, bouncing between proving and disproving myself right and wrong. But at the core of it all was a need to face my insecurities and make sure that I do not let them go anywhere.

I skimped out a bit on work this afternoon, my motivation was lacking and I did the usual where I have a Twitch stream up that keeps distracting me. I felt lonely and that wasn't helping but also that I wasn't in the mood to socialize with acquaintances. I tried joining AE and them but I got kind of annoyed and left. I didn't do as much work on my pony avatar as I wanted today.

I found a potential new horse avatar base for DS if she likes it which would entail a daunting amount of work, but work I am willing to do. Its that weird "Im up for the potentially severe challenge" attitude. Maybe because it's for a cause I'm so passionate about, I will face anything to get it done and bask in the glory of my accomplishment.

I was very lonely this evening but I joined BD to try my damnedest to open up and chill. It almost kinda worked but everything was cut short by them all going to watch Smiling Friends which I didnt wanna do. I started thinking maybe I needed some alone time anyways.

There were no puzzles tonight because poor DS is getting to be SUPER late and blew out her vocal chords at the baseball game. I am proud of myself and feel good about the little bit I got off my chest tonight. Now more than ever I need my friends by my side, in a HEALTHY way. It feels good not being afraid I'm being too much knowing Im speaking from a more genuine place. I do not want to take from others to fill my void anymore. I will take only what is offered and source the rest myself. I want to give, I want to love. But I can only do that if I have some to spare. I need to build myself up so I can love in the capacity I want.

I also want change and thats why today I did some stuff a little bit different. Also changing how the journal is told because I'm tired of writing the same mundane stuff over and over. I see some value in documenting events like I was for analytical reasons but I dont need that. I want to write what stuck out and made the day special. I want out of my time loop.

Oh also trying to stick to the decision to just stay off of Twitter for awhile. I thought about going as drastic as deactivating my account for now but maybe I won't do that. Or maybe I will if I really want to stick to this idea.

#journal #diary

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goopgirlie813 · 4 months ago

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Ah my bad. Historical info would probably be most relevant because I don't fully understand why IP is so important to the US economy or how it functions.

I disagree with your claim that the LGBT movement is failing. Struggling a bit and not being as effective as it should, but not failing. What I am seeing is wider and wider acceptance of more complex identities and experiences, allowing people to be more free. There is just one major problem with the movement in my eyes: Queer activists, especial social media "keyboard warrior" types, have spent too much effort trying to appease opponents by making concessions to the status quo to the point that many the public understandings of many queer identities and concepts have become incoherent and near impossible to defend. A big part of this is performative activists talking over educated queer advocates.

Despite this, though, I have seen more acceptance of various Queer identities. At least in my personal life. The coherent stuff is making it through the bullshit, albiet not as effectively as I would hope. The community does need better organizing that is for sure. But advocating for acceptance is not the problem; poor communication and performative activism are. At least, thats how I see it.

And as for the younger conservatives becoming more anti-queer, I think that has more to do with general political polarization than anything else. Because Queer issues are a big topic, the community gets held up by political groups as a rhetorical device to gain support. A huge chunk of the Republican party has made their platform one of demonizing queer people; convincing voters that we are evil and dangerous and that they -these "sensible" politicians- will solve the problem and protect Americans. Young conservatives aren't turning against us because we did something wrong by advocating for acceptance, they're turning against us because there is a massive right wing propaganda campaign to make us the villains and we have failed to organize against it with an effective counter campaign.

Thanks for the clarification on what you meant by socialism. I don't really want to get into that right now because trying to address those claims always turns into a long winded discussion that I don't have the energy for right now. But I'll just say that I don't see that version of socialism the same way you do and I also don't see it as a bad thing. Agree to disagree because I don't have the time and we'll leave it at that.

Yeah the Obama thing was my bad. I misunderstood how things went down and somehow came to the conclusion that it was a law passed and not a law interpreted. That said, what did Obama do that was problematic? In regards to queer people, that is.

Still skeptical about Trump because he isn't really known for his honesty. Him simply saying he's fine with queer people doesn't convince me. I mean, I have family members who fully believe they're "completely fine" with the lgbt community but repeat some of the most blatantly prejudiced rhetoric against trans people especially (an important topic to me because 90% of my friend group, one of my siblings, and my spouse are trans).

I Also have encountered a significant number of Trump supporters who have the opposite belief of what you're claiming. Numerous times Maga people have come to me or other queer folks saying they can't wait until Trump wins so he will "get rid of us." Probably mostly trolls but still, if his position is vague enough that people can be completely convinced of two completely contractory versions of his stance I don't have much confidence in your claim that he is exceptionally pro-lgbt in any meaningful way. If Trump hasn't actively done anything to benefit or even show meaningful support to the lgbt community I'm gonna have to maintain my skepticism toward your claim.

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panzerkatzee · 1 year ago

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NaNoWriMo Journal Day VIII

Good morning folks!

I just slid past creative burn out, struggling like hell to write yesterday… still managed enough words… yet, I was feeling aweful.. Sooo I did what I learned in therapy.. and had some social interaction, via the phone, while going on a very nice long walk and doing some grocery shopping.

I should probably also clean my room, but I'll get to that aaafter writing for the day~

First up.. my plan for the day… is write. Nothing fancy.. If I get stuck, I will do some fancy sorting stuff on Obsidian, in hopse to make editing easier on me later, by putting all chapters into single files and splitting them up in scenes already. Obsidian has the neat function to fold up all the text beneath a headline, so that will break it down into even more manageable pieces. Last time, the sheer volume of what I had written and what had to be edited, overwhelmed me completely.. soo lets hope this new method works.

Ahh also a nice side effect of going on the walk, is that I woke up suuuper early today and I hope, I can turn this into my new wake up time, despite liking the night, it gives me more time to enjoy the light, which is quite the challenge for me in fall anyway…

Sooo.. Song of the Day: Serj Tankian - Borders are

youtube

Why is it on my Playlist? "Fear is the cause of separation"

Serj Tankian, ex-singer (or again singer) of the Armenian/American Metalband System of a Down, uses his voice as a solo-artist, to make political statements, questioning war, the enviromental crisis, capitalism and… nationalism.

The last, comes to bear in the song I talk about today, which beside one other, is on this playlist. It's about the artificial seperation of the world. And its complimented, by a very simple yet poetic video, showing a map of the world, every country painted a different shade, seperated by black lines, signfying borders between countries. Over the course of the song, the black lines fly up towards the viewer and disappear. I love this, because the different hues remain. Which I choose to interpret as an abolishing of the actual borders, while keeping our cultural heritage. Embracing unification without sacrificing what makes a culture or nation unique.

This… is not possible, as long as people are afraid. I came to this conclusion in parts thanks to Tankians song.. and in parts through learning about different cultures, their history. Immersing myself into it, helped me to concieve how a culture or a nation has become the way it is today. And this freed me of a lot of fear and made me realise… we are all humans. Which.. sounds like a no-brainer at first… but its something, I struggled with a lot and didn't really recognise until the fear was gone.

For example: When I moved to a bigger city with a high count of people who belong to the diaspora of muslim countries, my dad told me: "Be careful, daughter, don't smart mouth them, the men will have no qualms punching you in the face or stab you and leave you for dead." Only after actually talking to people from the cultures, getting to know them, I realised it to be utter bullshit. And I also realised, my Dad didn't say this, because he wants to be a racist… or is a bad person. No he was afraid.. Because all you hear in media is how a "Muslim immigrant stabbed his sister because she was in a relationship to a German man" or "Stabbing in XYZ might me a terrorist attack" "Immigrants take your doctors appointments" Sooo much the readily accessible information for the average German in form of news and media, usually only talks about the shitty stuff… because DUH… only the negative stuff actually sells.

Soo yeah.. It still might seem like fiction at this point… but that's why I write. I hope the people, who will read my books in the future, might agree with me on that, try to learn from it and maybe attempt to challenge their own fears about other cultures. Which is what this song is about… and also it wildly anti capitalist… but thats something for another day.

In the end, go check out Serj Tankian, he's amazing and deserves more ppl, listening to and understanding his music!

As this venture into music/politics/philosophy, was quite the long write - I excluded like at least a thousand words and saved them for later-, I will skip the daily challenge today and get into writing.

Okay… I started to procastinate at 10:20.. it's 11:00 now… lets eat something and stop procastination~

Sooo a little over two hours later, I am done for the day.. energy waning already… well it has a few reasons, one being my mother wanting to meet up in an hour or so, which means, I have a minor deadline, that tells me, I have to stop soon.

Also.. I am not really feeling it right now… therefore, I am going to do some selfcare and then get started on the whole ordering of chapters thing :D And after meeting my mum... its room cleaning time... like the saying goes... tidy home tidy mind.. or what ever :D

Never cared for these pithy wisdoms.. but I came to realise, cleaning up, whilst a hated task, is actually beneficial for my well-being, despite all within me recoiling at the prospect of having to clean anything..

I end the writing day for now at 1545 words… which is still above the word goal, which by now has dropped to under 1000 per day. Whoop!

#Youtube

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chimerabytes · 2 years ago

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(tl;dr please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk + you can ask if i have any other social platform accounts if youd like to keep talking with me on other things!)

also to add on to my tags on prev post (edited to be put under a read more because this got way longer than i intended):

i apologize if my lack of communication skills and my lack of people permanence has caused anyone to feel awkward around me and/or think that i don't see them as a person worth keeping around.

i sincerely mean this when i say it: i do see you as someone worth keeping around. i know i struggle with showing it, affection is not my strength point in the slightest. but i will continue to keep trying my best to be at least approachable. and i dont mind if you want to keep your distance and just kinda vibe from the sidelines. i still appreciate you and i respect your space.

to be honest i have a pretty big personal bubble that i find nearly impossible to let people into, the closer people want to get to me and the closer i want to get to others. think of my sociability like two magnets with the same sides facing each other: the closer you try and force them together, the stronger the force of repulsion can be felt.

i try not to mean any ill intentions towards most people! but i know that even if i don't mean it, i can still hurt people regardless. and i hate hurting people who don't deserve to be hurt. i appreciate the folks who follow me - by doing so you are welcomed into my bubble, and can peek into a very personal part of my life that i bare out in the open for others to see.

essentially... i just want to say that i do care about others, just not in the most open way. and my inbox is always open if you want to chat with me and get to know me better. i have tumblr dms open - both asks and using the IM feature. i have discord and a plethora of other social accounts on multiple platforms, including:

quotev

mastodon (plush.city is my main instance where i can be found!)

just plain 'ole e-mailing me is totes cool with me!

flight rising (yes. i will allow people to send me messages on FR and tag me in forum posts. i cannot guarantee i will reply to every thing right away, but i do read all my messages within 24-48 hours of them being sent by you!)

i don't use twitter anymore, sadly. so i apologize if thats your preferred avenue of communication!

i could dig up my skype account again if anyone wants to add me on there?

i don't use a lot of other messaging apps that are popular these days aside from discord and tumblr, but if you want you could pitch me an offer to join a website/ chat/ platform that you use and i may join!

however you will Never get me to join instagram, snapchat or tiktok. Sorry, I just dont think those apps are for me.

i try to keep my avenues of conversation open. even though i admittedly am not great at chatting and most of my affection and sillies are gleaned from what kind of memes and silly reaction pics i send, i still do want to offer up a metaphorical chill spot for people to join me in.

i realize this is pretty long so i'm going to end this, although im not sure how? just like, if you ever have any thoughts, concerns, questions, or want to just talk to me at all about literally anything (i dont care if you only send me like, one word, I will likely respond anyway!) then like... As the boys would say, hit me up, I guess?

#long post #autism #actuallyautistic #schizoid #communication #This makes me wish forums were the big main thing again #God. I miss forums and chats and shit so mucg #Much*#Not even Discord can replicate the feeling of an actual forum regardless of us having forums + threads as chat features :(#and Discord certainly CANNOT emulate Twitter or other apps. The entire point of having all these apps is to differentiate yourself!#Separate yourself from the competition! Flaunt what makes you and your app / site unique and worth signing up to!#If I could find that therian forum I used to be active on when I was a young kit I would love to rejoin it #and share my journey following my decade of self discovery #original posts

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kidkubrick · 2 years ago

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hi sorry i just gotta vent real fucking quick so tw for transphobia but some quirky little canadian political girlies saw the fucking awful trans shit going on in the states and decided to put a fun little canadian spin on it with a platform that apparently wants to (among others) ban trans access to bathrooms (im assuming that means gender neutral spaces and stuff)

i feel like a toddler being explained quantum physics when anybody mentions The Bathroom Conflict. this whole idea of trans people using the bathroom they want not being an okay thing is something i really dont get. like. why is it a problem for cis people. why the fuck is it a problem for you. motherfucker have you seen us???? what the fuck are we gonna do to you???? i cant speak for trans women because i understand the social transition is drastically different than that of someone like myself who's ftm, so if theres a mtf individual who wants to comment on this with ur two cents and experiences feel fucking FREE but like. as an ftm dude. what the fuck am i gonna do????? im walking into the bathroom with my fucking 5ft 6 ass wearing socks and sandals and clothes that are 3 sizes too big for me looking like a child more than anything AND YOU THINK IM THE ONE WHOS GONNA CAUSE HAVOC???

and thats the worst part right like being trans has singlehandedly turned me away from using public bathrooms. ever. dude. there is one bathroom at my work that i am comfortable using and i have been there for 3 years. and thats only if i HAVE to. if im at a mall, or some type of store or anything bathrooms are off limits because im fucking scared some dude is gonna say something or do something to me! like bro you're not the fucking victim here. your judgement as a cis person on this topic says more about who you are as a person and your honest political leanings than anything you try to back it up with or try to defend it with.

and im not trying to corner trans folk as victims here- or at least im not using the term victim in a "weak/powerless" sense- because we are strong, and we will fight this, and you cannot kill us in a way that matters because we have always been here and we will always be here. i just cant understand why The Bathroom Conflict is such a big fucking deal. like? sorry i piss? ill try not to next time? like is that what you want? idk what you want bro?

im just tired and annoyed and frustrated because i like advocating for attentive and aware conversations, and im willing to talk to people who are against this if it means a) gaining insight, and more importantly b) that they will also listen to me in return, but ive never met a fucking transphobic person who reciprocates the openmindedness i try my very hardest to bring to the table, even if it- like i mentioned before- feels like im a toddler being explained quantum physics to.

#out of character #delete later #please dont reblog #i dont need terfs on my page tyvm!

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miraculous-pyromaniac · 10 months ago

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I am nearly silent about the things i write, both irl and unfortunately on my blog as well, for different reasons.

The simplest reason is my silence irl bc i kind of just dont have anyone to talk to my ideas about. My closest friends generally dont have any intrest in fanfiction and even if they were, me and my friends participate in very seperate fandoms and sometimes struggle to overlap our intrests. So i just generally keep my fanworks to myself most of the time.

I also dont talk about my work much on my blog either(which is kinda the only social media i use) and thats mainly because im just not the type of person who enjoys broad social media engagement, so i just rarely make my own posts.

This all kind of leads to bursts of hyperfixation and progress on any stories or WIPs i have that come about randomly and long droughts of my content.

Also i have this huge anxiety about people seeing any idea i would post about and 'stealing' it from me. Like this is a constant anxiety for me, idk why. Im probably hesitating to hit post on this post and then thinking of deleting it.

Like obviously a writer doesnt want to post spoilers for something theyre working on, but im paranoid to even post ideas for possible fics i may think of for new WIPs, leaving my ideas to rot alone in my mind until i lose intrest bc i have no one to talk to about them.

Anyway, in what im sure is a healthy way to overcome this apparent fear ive just realised i have, ima post a list of WIPs and ideas that are currently collecting dust, most of them i beleive seeing light from my dark google docs cave for the first time ever

Most of these mare miraculous labybug ideas

A miraculous soulmate AU based around Chloe where her initial meeting with her soulmate ends up with them basically dead from a speeding truck. The story is Chloe's journey of navigating the world angry and jealous of everyone else who has soulmates and learning how to deal with that stuff. Ace medifore maybe? Idk just seemed like a fun idea.

A miraculous Myvan AU where Master Fu had the 'native american miracle box'(Which i refer to as the Thunderbox) instead of the 'Chinese miracle box'(aka the Motherbox). He pickes Mylene and Ivan to be heroes weilding new miraculous of my design against an enemy who holds the Motherbox, with more than half the miraculous within being heavily damaged/destoyed. Shown by the below image(right of the red line completely unuseable, on red line damaged but technically funtional like a canon peacock, left of the line are undamaged)

A Percy Jackson story with OCs made by me and by bff which would run parallel to the canon story where I play with background characters and plot to create my own stories. The MC is the child of a goddess so minor Riordon never mentioned her, Euphrosyne, and a devout champion of Hestia.

And even a couple of original story ideas like

An 'everyone has a superpower' concept where the MCs are all artificial 'bornx from a kid whose power is to create new people by giving up parts of their soul. While not a completely original power in this world, its unique by the fact that the MCs here have their own powers, unlike other people created from such a power. This leads to the goverment trying to capture and use this kid to custom create soldiers.

A magical college type story where the MC is a healer in love with a plant mage, which eventually becomes mutual and loving relationship things until plant mage is suddenly killed by an assassin, sending MC on a revenge spiral. Said assassin is MC#2 who is being used by shady folks as an assassin due to her particular abilty for death magic. The two of them team up to dismantle the shady organisation and maybe a goverment later on. Their relationship is also completely non-romantic, but they grow extreamly close to each other.

Uh yeah. I have ideas. I just never talk about them.

Out of genuine curiosity, to fanfic writers in the world, how vocal are you about the fic you write on your blog? I never know when to start talking about my ideas and eventually the lack of traction or discussion has my passion fizzle out with nobody knowing the idea existed at all (except me, of course) anyway im simply curious :)

#writing #fanfiction #miraculous ladybug #pjo fanfic #man i really dont want to post this #oh well ima do it anyway #its not like more than 20 people will ever see it

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nothorses · 3 years ago

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I have mixed feelings about your "I distrust call out posts" post.

I recently went to the cops about my abuser who groomed me when I was a teen. My best friend made a call out thread (albeit against my wishes, but I know they were only trying to show support) on twitter.

The problem is, I don't have proof. The grooming and abuse happened in the early 00s on social platforms that don't exist anymore. When I met my abuser in person and they molested me in their bed, nobody was around to see it. Nobody knew but me that it had happened.

Now I'm being called a liar by strangers on twitter, because the only proof I have of my abuse is the psychological damage that was left on me.

I'm just saying. Sometimes, call out posts may be bs. But, a lot of the time, they are there for a reason.

Please believe the victims.

That's why I said this in that post:

People sometimes use claims like yours to validate the harm they do to others. It sucks, and it's not fair to you- but we have to be able to recognize that "believe victims" means believing the victims of harassment campaigns, too. It sounds like you've been both, and I'm sorry. I hope you understand why people who have been through similar online abuse might want folks to be more critical of the claims they take at face value, and the way they respond to those claims (i.e., does anyone deserve that kind of harassment? Is it actually conducive to positive change, either on the part of the accused or those watching?)

I tend to believe people talking about the way someone has treated them in private, because you're right, there's no way to prove any of that- and we need to be willing to hear people out about their personal experiences. But thats not what I'm talking about here; I'm talking about things people can investigate, public actions or things that should have screenshots attached, that people choose not to investigate out of fear of being added to the list of victims.

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gentil-minou · 3 years ago

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Rewatched the PV recently and I'm wondering: did the original Felix ever do anything outright to indicate he was villainous? I see all these "Felix was always an antagonist" takes but- as an extremely introverted autistic person with social anxiety- I don't see anything inherently Bad about the way he interacted with Marinette in it? It really looked to me like she was always trying to talk to him, which isn't a bad thing but I know, with me, I mainly just want to be left alone when I'm around people. If anyone stays long enough I'll get sick and snap, very similar to how he reacts to her. I don't MEAN to be rude or upset them but I Need Them To Go Away. Apologies to extroverted people and all but sometimes we really will do anything if we see you coming and we're burned out. PV Felix comes across to me as that moreso than cruel/evil.

Tbh I might not be the best person to go for this cause I don't really know much about PV Felix. I prefer Adrien because I think he's more refreshing than the standard cold hero.

I guess PV Felix would be considered a tsundere. My understanding was the og concept was that he was cursed with the black cat ring and wanted to get rid of it, but the only was was a kiss from Ladybug. So it's unclear if he liked Ladybug like Chat in the show does, or she was just a means to an end.

There is official art of pv Felix using his powers to drop an apple on Marinette. I think thats where folks are coming from. Im not trying to minimize someone with autism's needs, which are extremely valid and when space is needed, but neurodivergence is never an excuse to hurt someone.

Sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for, but I'd suggest talking to someone who is more of a fan of PV Felix.

#asked and answered #ml pv #ml psychology

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heyitsyn · 4 years ago

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Put A Ring On It

a/n: lmao tooru would actually beat your booty if you ever date kags

anon request: hii can i have a hc like the oikawa sister reader x iwa but now with kageyama?? like the reader is literally the princess of seijoh and never liked anyone until he met kags?? tysm! u make such a cute ff

requests open!!

he might not smile much but when he does, its the most beautiful smile I've ever seen

king and queen of the court??

lmao im getting chills

so since tooru went to kitagawa, it would be natural for him to want his baby sister to go there too right?

you are actually 2 years younger than tooru so that would make you about kags’ age

you are well-known throughout the school as oikawa tooru’s little sister and people also flocked to you since you got the good genes as well

but you were never interested in fear that they would take advantage of you for your brother or to just parade you as a trophy

anyways

you liked volleyball like your brother but you didnt want to play in a team so you just went to their practices to help the coaches

youve heard about this prodigy setter named kagayama tobio, who was also the grandson of a known volleyball couch

but youve only heard bad things about him

tooru lit rally comes home ranting and complaining about this new kid who is great at setting and you were just like, ‘okay and?’

‘y/n-chan! theres an outsider threatening to take your brother’s place! aren’t you worried for me?!’

‘nii-chan, its just volleyball’

‘just-just volley-! that’s it im disowning you’

while iwa just watches from the sidelines

oikawa just shouting and yelling in front of the fridge while you sit on the barstool while eating a banana, looking unbothered

keeping up with the oikawas part 2

you kinda knew him because kindaichi, who is your classmate, talked about kageyama, who was in kunimi’s class

‘tooru-nii never shuts up about him’

you complained to kindaichi one day

‘is he really that good?’

you knew the talent you brother had and the hard work he puts in volleyball as you were usually the one who woke up at night to help him with his knee pains

so you slightly understood his threatened feeling of this mysterious prodigy who just suddenly enters the team

‘he’s not terrible. maybe its because theyre the only setters in the team so oikawa-senpai is threatened about his position being taken’

‘but as long as he’s not a starting, then no foul done right?’

wrong

unfortunately, you were there to see tooru break down during practice when kageyama asked him how to serve

since you usually walked home with your brother and iwa-chan,

get yourself protective brothers

you were forced to wait until he was done with practice

captain duties and all that

and you were getting tired of just waiting in the cold so you go in the gym to tell off your nii-chan when you see him raise his hand at this tobio boy

‘iwa-chan!’

you shriek and he was able to stop tooru from hitting their underclassman

‘oi! oikawa tooru!’

kageyama looked horrified and was so scared that he dashed off

ngl, you felt bad for him and you knew that your brother was probably just overwhelmed w the incoming interhighs and he was just getting frustrated

so when iwa nodded at you that he got tooru, you went after kageyama, who was tossing the ball up in the air

he tossed it up once, expecting it to come back down but you snatched it right up

he turned to see a girl who looked exactly oikawa-san and he backed away

you saw him step back and you pouted

‘ehhh~? am i that scary to you, kage-chan?’

omg the way you even talk was like him

‘are you oikawa-senpai’s sister?’

hes heard little about you from kunimi

you nodded and gave him a smile before sticking a hand out

‘oikawa y/n, at your service’

‘ah, k-kageyama tori-bio’

you giggled at his flustered look

‘what is it? torio? tobio?’

ofc you already knew but he was so cute to tease

‘i-it’s tobio’

he was red at the embarrassment of messing up his own name but you thought he was so cute and a bean

you heard from kunimi that he wasnt very social and mostly keeps to himself or the volleyball team

‘sorry about my nii-chan, kage-chan. hes just stressed right now. dont worry, he’ll come around. i’ll make it up to you in his place, okay?’

your eyes scrunched up as you smiled to try and diffuse the situation and save your brother’s arse

he owes you

‘its okay. its also my fault for pestering him about it so i should apologize’

omg this boy is ADORABLE

DLKAFDKLJAFALSFEJISLKDJ

‘tobio-chan!’

you shrieked before hugging him and nuzzling your face into his shirt

‘youre so sweet! you dont have to do anything!’

he was actually taken aback by your expressive personality and wasnt used to being fawn upon, especially by a cute girl

he remained frozen on the spot and you worriedly let go, thinking he stopped breathing

‘tobio-chan? did you die?! tobio-chan!’

from then on, you just seemed to see him everywhere

for months you didnt even know this boy but suddenly, after the accident, you were just seeing him everywhere

from your classroom, you’d see him at the yard with kunimi and kindaichi as they toss the ball around

i will always think that this trio were initially friends at the beginning!

he seemed to be a very shy boy and was constantly trying to keep his emotions on check

but you saw the smiles whenever he thinks the two arent looking

that was probably why you absolutely had the biggest crush on this boy

but you didnt realize that you had a crush on him

you just wanted to help him come out of his shell and help him smile more bc it was so beautiful

so you cornered him by his locker one day and your cute smile made his cheeks go on fire

‘FIREEE~~~~ BULTORUNE!!’

‘tobio-chan! i want to be your friend!’

he was SHOOK

girls never really talked to him, much less his frightening captain’s cute sister

no words came from him as he just looked at you with wide eyes

‘o-oikawa-san?’

you pouted at the formal use of your name

‘haaa?! tobiio-chan! call me by some cute nickname too~!’

you crossed your arms and stomped your foot on the floor

omg no stop this at once little girl

he turned even redder and quickly stuffed his things in his bag before dashing off

‘eh?! tobio-chan!’

his days were filled with that

you were constantly yelling his nickname with a smile when you would see him and he would blush then run away

even during practice, you would basically act as their manager by giving them their towels and water

but it was obvious that you would pamper kageyama more

that irritated your brother

he dragged you home one day and was basically interrogating you

‘n/n-chan, youre not having a crush on that bastard kageyama are you?’

you glared at your brother, offended at the way he called tobio

‘don’t call him that, nii-chan! i will hit you!’

you shrieked and punched his gut

‘HES NOT GOOD FOR YOU, N/N-CHAN! HES A THIEF!’

tooru shouts and thus began the arguments between your fascination with kageyama

but you didnt care because you intend to uphold that promise and reach that goal through

all you wanted was to see tobio smile freely

one day, you were walking to school earlier than your brother when you saw kageyama at the intersection

your eyes lit up and you bounded up to him

‘tobio-chan!’

his eyes widened and he quickly turned around to walk away

ngl that hurted a bit

‘tobio-chan?’

that small voice made him stop and his head turned to look at your watering eyes

‘tobio-chan, do you not like me?’

you were so used to being liked and fawned over your entire life that the thought of somebody not liking you was so hurtful

maybe thats why you liked kageyama tobio though

he was focused on running away from you rather than going to you

for the first time, you would have to be the one who chased rather than being the one running

kags was worried bc his sister always told him to never make a girl cry and here he was, watching your eyes tear up

‘y/n-san, please dont cry’

you watched him walk to you and shakily wipe your tears away

a smile formed on your face at the touch of his fingertips and you hugged him

lmao we really bokuto 2.0

kags didnt know what to do bc if he hugged you back, that would give you a wrong impression of him wanting to be your friend

but he didnt want friends, he just wanted to play volleyball

but he smelled a faint strawberry scent from your hair and he unconsciously leans in, wrapping his arms around your body

at the feeling of him returning your affection, you giggled and tightened your arms around him while burying your face in his chest

‘do you want to be my friend now, tobio-chan?’

you were so insistent on being a friend that kageyama was touched at your efforts

he was just like

f it shes pretty and nice, its fine

he nodded

and thus began a cute friendship

well, more like a one-sided friendship since you were the more lively one than him

you would run to his classroom with kindaichi and eat with kags and kunimi

you would give him parts of your bento and you would hold his hand

thisgirl does not know personal space

one lunch period, you were all eating lunch when you were suddenly thirsty

you let go of kags and stood up, making the boys look at you

‘im thirsty so ill get something. want anything?’

they shrugged and told you to get whatever so you skipped to the vending machine

yall idontknow how to skip so i just kinda gallop

you got banana milk for you and random things for kindaichi and kunimi

but you didnt know what to get kags

you thought you would know since youve started being friends a few weeks ago but you really didnt know what drink he liked

so you chose the only blue thing they have

you went back to the classroom and gave their drinks but you sheepishly smiled when you gave kags his milk

‘i didnt really know what you liked so i got a blue carton because your eyes are blue and they reminded me of you’

kindaichi and kunimi gave you a disgusted look while kageyama blushed at the thought

this folks, is why kagellama tobiyolo is in love w that blue carton of milk

slowly but surely, kageyama has started opening up to you and you were so happy that he was starting to smile more around you

it took a few months but you were finally considered a friend

ofc tooru was deeply unhappy about this and always tried to foil plans between you and him but you were not having that

he was even harsher during practice but since youre always there, you would take a page from iwa’s book and yeet a ball to his face

‘i will hit you, nii-chan!’

it was a shock to the school that you were actually showing interest to someone since you rarely gave anybody else a second glance

and it was to this shy boy, kageyama tobio, no less!

when oikawa tooru has finally graduated, you breathed a sigh of relief

you were bumped up to best friend by kageyama and you always walked home with him

iwa-chan liked you (in a brotherly, platonic way) enough that he would even keep tooru in his house so you could hang out with kageyama longer

also, kags has finally came up with a nickname for you and has finally called you by something informal!!

imsoproudofhimohmygosh

‘n/n-chan, my mom’s cooking tonkatsu tonight. you wanna come?’

he asked you one night and you nodded eagerly, excited at the mention of your favorite food

‘yes! you dont even have to ask!’

you hummed as you skipped down the road, still holding his arm, and excited to meet his family

but to kags, this was a way more serious affair

youve never met his family before and hes worried that they might embarrass him in front of this cute girl

and he was right

when they stepped in, his sister, who was back from college, peaked and saw her little anti-social baby brother with a really really cute girl

‘mom! tobio brought a girl home!’

he shuts his eyes in frustration but you squeezed his hands

‘dont be nervous, tobio-chan. im right here, okay?’

oml he doesnt deserve you

his mom was so excited that he even had a friend and quickly finished dinner

you bowed in front of his parents and sister before introducing yourself

‘hello, my name is oikawa y/n. its really nice to meet you and thank you for inviting me to your lovely home’

‘omg oikawa-chan is so nice! dig in, everyone!’

kageyama met the eyes of his family and his heart swelled at their approval

it made him like you more

waitt, like?

like, as in, romantic?

like as in, i like you more than a best friend?

like, as in, i want to be your boyfriend?

he choked at that last thought and you hurriedly gave him his water, patting his back

‘daijobu, tobio-chan?’

no luv, life is not daijobu right now

he nodded before sighing in relief

one look at your face and all the thoughts started happening again and he turned even redder

dear god, he actually had a crush on you

nah, itll go away

right?

nope

this is a fanfiction kags, youre meant to fall in love with us

at the passing of his grandfather, tobio was an actual wreck

an emotional, mental, and physical wreck

he skipped school and constantly practiced at the backyard and refused to eat his meals, wanting to stay outside with his ball longer

at his second day of absence, you went straight to his house and when his mom opened the door, she gave you a sad smile and pointed to the back

you saw him trying to do a serve only for him to miss and hit his head before shouting curses

never have you seen him miss a serve

you studied his appearance and your hands trembled

his eyes were red with even more red around his eyes, chapped lips from the constant biting and the bruised knuckles from probably punching something

the last time you saw him was at the funeral after he asked you to go with him and you were so worried that he would turn out like this

‘tobio’

you softly called out and he paused, not moving to get the ball

he heaved a wheeze before choking out a sob

you ran straight to him and gathered him in your arms, cradling the back of his head to your shoulder

throughout your friendship, tobio has never been so affectionate

but right now, you were the only thing that made everything seem normal and he held on to you, so afraid that you might disappear too

as if knowing his concerns, you ran your hands through his hair

‘sshhh, it’s okay. im right here. im not going anywhere, tobio. im right here, okay?’

even you were hurting

everything started because you thought he was beautiful when he smiled so you made it your mission to keep that smile alive forever

but when hes sobbing and in pain, it gives more value to that smile because underneath all that, he was just a shy little boy who had a passion of volleyball

you didnt want to say anything to him but everyone knew that he wasnt exactly the same tobio

if anything, he was much harder with himself and trained even harder

he was staying later in the gym and he was starting to snap at everyone, even kindaichi and kunimi

they got into a massive fight during practice and everyone went home angry but he stayed after, putting his frustrations into doing jumping serves

you watched from the sidelines and when you saw him fall, you rushed over and gently patted his face to get rid of his sweat

‘tobio-chan, let’s go home’

he shook his head

‘no! i need to perfect this-!’

‘tobio-chan, lets go home’

your voice became stronger and firm so he hung his head low

‘you dont understand, y/n. i need to be strong and i want to be the last standing on the court’

you flashed a crooked smile

‘did you forget who my brother is, tobio-chan? i suffered through it with nii-chan so im not going through it again, especially with you. so come on, lets go home’

everyone in the school became wary of the former shy boy who seems to glare at everything and everyone

you were even told, straight to your face, that you were wasting time being his friend

‘ne, y/n-chan. kageyama-kun is so mean so you should stay away from him, okay?’

you glared at them before slamming your book close

‘say one more word and i will shove this book down your throat so youll never be able to utter a single sound ever again’

go off sister!!

you stayed with kageyama, even if he got frustrated and got angry at you, but he was your best friend and youve been friends for years

and you still want to see his smile

tooru was practicing a lot again and your sister and takeru were at tokyo for a trip so you were home alone

so you texted kageyama that you were coming over and he didnt respond which you took as a sign of agreement

so at your trek to his house, you hummed as you swung the bag full of meat buns and cartons of milk when you saw your 3 friends

you were about to shout and raise your hand when you saw kindaichi harshly push kageyama back and kunimi separating the two

‘you-!’

kunimi saw you and hissed at the two

‘stop this right now. y/n-san is over there’

you shouldve known then that everything was falling apart

at this point, you were the only one he let in as his family was too afraid to push him too far

you should be happy, right?

he was smiling around you and only you

only you were able to see such a beautiful thing

but now,

you were not happy with the way he acted towards everybody

during that iconic game in his last year of middle school, he pushed you away too

the locker room was tense and kindaichi was about to yell at him when you knocked

‘tobio-chan, can we talk?’

he wordlessly threw the towel down and hefted his bag before going outside to follow you

omg im getting flashbacks from my shirabu ff from yesterday

you grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a hug

youve given him many hugs before but this time, it was so strong and different than the others

his arms were around your shoulders while yours was around his torso due to your height and your head was leaning against the place where his heart would be

‘im going to seijoh, tobio-chan’

you paused, gauging his reaction

he didnt say anything, just keeping you in his arms

not iwa-level-bara arms but a healthy-muscular-arms

‘tooru-nii wants me to spend one more year with him before he goes to college and theyre saying my grades are enough to keep me there. but if you dont want me to go, i wont’

‘what? why wont you? its a good school and you deserve it’

his grumbles were still frustrated but he was rather calm whenever he talks to you

‘you wont miss me then, tobio-chan~?’

he could feel you pouting and that made him smile

‘i wont since youll come over to my house everyday’

you pulled your head away with mock surprise

‘everyday?! tobio-chan~! youll really miss me~!’

so you went your separate ways

but you spent every day of the summer together

much to oikawa’s dismay

and during your first day, he was reluctant to let you go

for 3 years you walked together at the same direction to the same place

but now, youd have to part ways at the same intersection

you softly smiled and giggled when he refused to let go of your hand

im busting uwus just writing this yall

my fingers said ‘free reign!’

‘tobio-chan~! i’m going to be late~!’

you playfully whined and gently pulled your hand from his grasp

but he didnt let go, still holding your hand while the other was in his pants pocket

‘we should skip today, n/n. we can go get meat buns and popsicles and-’

you walked back to him and wrapped your arms around his torso, chin rested on his chest so you could look up to him

‘as much as i want to, my grades and attendance need to be high, tobio-chan~’

he scoffed, ruffling your hair

‘once i become a professional player, you wont need to work. i can support us by myself’

bruh hes already thinking they would get married or something

you scrunched your nose in distate

‘i want to make something of myself. i was given a life so im going to live it’

‘but that means spending less time with me and-’

‘tobio-chan, i know what youre doing. stop stalling and let me go to school already~!’

‘no!’

he refused and caged you in his arms while you wiggled and laughed

‘ill see you later! i promise! now i need to go or nii-chan will yell at you~!’

with great reluctance, he let you go to school, pouting and everything

that cute pout he has oml

as your figure became smaller the farther you walked, you turned around and saw him still standing there and when he saw you look at him, he raised a hand

you jumped and cupped your hands around your mouth

‘MISS YOU ALREADY TOBIO-CHAN!’

i reference my previous works constantly

pedestrians looked at you weirdly and looked at kageyama too causing him to get flustered and run to school, your laughter echoing behind him

seijoh was already expecting the arrival of oikawa’s cute little sister and once you appeared, woohoooo

you got your own fanclub of ladies and genitals

they flocked over to your desk after tooru and iwa dropped you off at your classroom during lunch

‘ne, oikawa-chan, do you see anyone cute today?’

‘iwaizumi-senpai is cute, dont you think?’

‘no! yahaba-senpai is cuter!’

‘matsukawa-senpai and hanamaki-senpai are not bad’

we have matsuhana rights in this household

but you remained quiet, focusing on your phone as kageyama complained to you about some tangerine looking fool

‘oikawa-chan!’

that caught your attention and you smiled gently

‘hm?’

they giggled at your rosy cheeks

‘she has a boyfriend, probably’

you shook your head

‘no. i dont’

‘well, do you have anyone you like?’

you thought about it and shrugged

‘ive never really liked anyone before. i dont care about having a boyfriend either since my brother and tobio are enough for me’

that traveled quickly and soon, everyone was trying their best to woo the little princess oikawa

from lunch suggestions to study dates,

they all wanted to be closer to you

but you always refused,

‘tooru-nii wants me to eat lunch with him’

‘im hanging out with tobio-chan after school’

‘iwa-chan doesnt like you so no’

lmao yes

you were famous around the school for the way everyone treated you and catered to your needs to gain your favor

exactly like a princess

the princess of aoba johsai

the princess of seijoh

she ruled the court alongside the Grand King Oikawa and everyone practically worshipped them

everyone wanted them to like them, just a little bit, but you remained closed off to romantic relationships

when tobio texted you about the upcoming seijoh practice match, you were bouncing on your heels in excitement as you waited for them in the gym

kindaichi and kunimi were rolling their eyes at you

the other members of the team knew of you and were confused at your behavior

‘her boyfriend’s on the karasuno team’

‘the king of the court’

‘eh?! boyfriend?!’

‘y/n-chan, can you hand me my bottle?’

he wasnt answered as you shrieked and sprinted straight to kageyama who appeared at the door

‘tobio-chan~!’

you launched yourself and latched yourself to him, tobio immediately supporting you

‘geez, n/n, not in front of everyone’

you giggled

‘i missed you so much, tobio-chan~!’

‘then transfer over’

‘i cant do that! you know that!’

everyone was S H O O K

‘is she,,,, your girlfriend, kageyama?’

daichi and suga asked but the boy turned red before shaking his head

‘my friend’

‘ehhh?! you have friends?!’

hinata shut up i swear-

you cheered him on despite being on the other team

you got even louder when you saw your brother playing and he complained about your loyalties

‘you cheer on for your boyfriend but not your brother?! what is the meaning of this n/n-chan?!’

you rushed to give him a towel when he motioned you to do it for him like you always did

‘i want a girlfriend too’

‘we’re not dating you idiots!’

kageyama shouted from the sidelines to the orange hair kid

‘but you act like,,, that’

you smiled

maybe dating tobio wouldnt be a bad idea

i mean, hes cute, adorable, talented, funny, nice

you could deal with it

‘so youre syaing, we act like it already?’

you questioned towards the grey-haired guy who nodded

‘whaddya say, tobio-chan? should we hurry up and put a ring on it?’

he spluttered, almost choking on his water

‘r-r-RING?!’

‘well, you said youd support us in the future, right?’

‘i mean-yea-but’

‘okay then its settled’

both teams gawked at you while kageyama was too busy trying to not have a nosebleed or a heart attack by how fast his heart was beating

you turned to your brother who was looking like his entire world was crumbling

‘OI TOORU-NII! TOBIO-CHAN AND I ARE NOW DATING AND WE’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!’

oikawa screamed

yall this is so long im--

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