#wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[pop-ulence]

Could you post the result paragraphs for the toxic ex crush thing you made please? mine was v accurate (you really called my non confrontational ass out lmao) but my friends wasn’t and we’re curious what hers is 🤔

yeah, of course! this is long, so i’ll put it under a read more

Colton - wow, you're like actually the worst :/ you don't try to be, though. in fact, you actually come off as pretty great to people who don't know you (and aren't madly in love with you). sometimes you treat people like garbage, but then you turn around and apologize and act nice immediately after so they can't stay mad at you. once, you asked me for advice on how to ask out another girl even though you knew i liked you. another time, you made me wait outside my work for two hours and then never showed up. maybe... you should work on being more considerate of those around you

Luke - i always thought you were kind of a stuck-up, narcissistic asshole but then one time you implied that you wanted to get married to me and i thought ‘hm.. what if?’ anyway, you’re still kind of an asshole, but you’re pretty cute too. the only problem is that you know you’re cute. stop acting like you’re better than everyone else and then maybe i’ll actually end up marrying you.

Richard - you were the first boy that ever took the time to get to know me and like me for me! i told you all abt my interests and hobbies and even tho you didn’t 100% share them, you still loved how passionate i was. thank you for being so supportive and helping me to realize that it’s okay to have dorky interests. however, i’ll never forgive you for telling me you weren’t ready for a relationship and then asking out a prettier girl two weeks later. honestly, i’m glad she dumped you. she was out of your league anyway. *I* was out of your league

Andrew - you were the first boy i ever had a crush on and then, like, 13 years later we reconnected once we were in college. you were so sweet and we would facetime and text and i really pictured myself falling in love with you. you asked me out on a date but then you ghosted me after. and when i asked why a month later you told me i ‘wasn’t worth the effort.’ grow the fuck up. learn how to reject people like a normal human being and stop being so non-confrontational. i’m glad i didn’t make out with you in your cheap volvo. fucking prick.

Nathan - we had such a weird love/hate relationship and i chalk most of that up to the fact that we were in middle school and going through puberty. honestly, you were never remotely interested in me and always treated me like shit but somehow i convinced myself that we could make it work. i think i was more in love with the abstract idea of you than who you really were and i'm sorry about that. i'll never forget when i asked you out and you told me you were only nice to me because i didn't have any friends. anyway, you grew up to be ugly so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i guess karma had its kiss for you, asshole

James - oh god you’re so sweet. you’re so sensitive and soft uwu. thank you for caring so much about things like climate change and universal healthcare. thank you for ranting about these things constantly even when people ask you to stop. and thank you SO MUCH for becoming vegan so you could tell us how much more "woke" you are than the rest of the world. don’t worry tho, i’ll always know the real you. i’ll always know that your favorite kinds of movies are those cheap comedies that do stupid stunts and make fun of women. but nobody else has to know that when you go to the next women’s march and hit on the girls there ;)

Aaron - ours was the love that never was. i’ve had a crush on you forever but you were always dating some friend of mine so i’d awkwardly third wheel on your couple time and think ‘god i wish that were me.’ thanks for being so cool and understanding abt that. also, maybe try not to be so oblivious in the future? you’re a very stand-up, all around great person. stop selling yourself short

Steven - my first requited romance :) ours was a short-lived love story, but also it won't end bc i think i'm still in love with you and that makes our friend groups' yearly get-togethers all the more awkward. i’m so sorry i let you get away. watching you date all those other people really sucked too. honestly you were cute when we were young but now you’ve grown up to be hot and you’re still as sweet and funny as ever. thanks for being amazing. please return my calls

Damien - i fell in love with you at first sight and continued deeply pining after you for the entirety of our friendship following. you’re funny and sarcastic and love to mess around. it’s too bad you’re very much into being the ‘older sibling type.’ thanks for leading me on for a whole year and then dating someone who looks exactly like me instead! maybe you should reflect on if the person you’re dating is just a walmart-brand version of the person you actually like. maybe you should try and go out with the person you actually like. unless you like walmart, in which case... save money, live better

I Never Had a Crush on You - how did you even get this?? i’ve had crushes on so many different guys this must be nearly impossible unless you literally picked all of the WORST answers. like there’s no other way. i’m so sorry. maybe someone else will love you but it certainly won’t be me. i guess you’re valid?? but let’s not talk

*i just wanna note that this quiz is more for fun than an actual representation of personality (or even of these people). while what i’ve said is true, nobody is inherently awful or amazing bc of how they’ve treated me, personally. in fact, i’m still friends with most of these guys (tho i’m sure you can narrow down which ones i’m NOT friends with). anyway, all of these descriptions are dramatic interpretations of these guys, which is why you should NOT take to heart your results. either way, i’m glad you enjoyed it! :)