#feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[witchinatree]

magnus protocol episode 30 ramble

WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK WE'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING BACK

i was relistening today to get in the spirit but i only got through episode 15 :( it's ok though 16-29 were more recent

anyway i'm like hardcore tweaking because i need this so bad but i'm also so not ready for this HIATUS?? it's both over and we're so back

i'm like kind of nervous.... LMAOOO????? anyway um here's hoping my blog @is-teddy-vaughn-still-alive doesn't immediately have to start saying he's dead for the rest of time i've had it for like 3 days

this is going to alter me as a person.

TWEAKINGGG here we go :]!!

the magnus protocol intro goes really hard i think i've said this before though

he said job but i heard jon. dead end JON like the season 2 finale of the magnus archives

OH IMMEDIATE SAM POV LET'S GO I GUESS. sam stop ignoring her.

WHY DID MY EX JUST TEXT ME. WHY DID MY EX GIRLFRIEND JUST TEXT ME. I THOUGHT I BLOCKED HER NUMBER?? HANG ON I HAVE TO PAUSE AND TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS AND THEN GO BLOCK HER NUMBER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. dude.

oh my god i have to respond to this because i have class with her tomorrow are you fucking serious chat are you fucking serious

i don't even.. i can't even.. what the hell. during my magnus time? really? on THE magnus day? fuck oh my god. i.. i..... I'M SCARED??????

we're not touching that. anyway ummmmmm what the HELL ??? LMAO SORRY WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE PROTOCOL RAMBLE NOW???? we literally haven't spoken since like march when she sent me the "breakup closure playlist" and i thought i BLOCKED HER. tweaking OUTTTTTTTT.

having to restart the episode after this one i'm.. i need a reset..

sam she's not upset she's telling you you're in TROUBLE stop GHOSTING HER you are in DANGER babe. SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT BABE YESSSSSS!!!! connect those dots honey it is your fault

SAM? SAM? SAM? WHAT'S? WHY IS HE COUGHING? I'M REALLY. WORRIED. I'M REALLY SCARED.

if sam dies here i'm gonna have to delete those sam hating posts i swear to god i'm gonna have to delete them i love him now

"there's a plan?" (disregards) woah. celia. what. i'm really really really scared help

i feel like we're listening to his final moments and i'm no................ "we're safe here" CELIA??????

ALICE PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THEM PLEASE BABE IT'S OVER FOR SAM BUT IT'S NOT ENTIRELY OVER FOR YOU

COLIN? COLIN???????? COOLLOLININNK??????????? I'M CRYING COLIN HONEY PLEASE DI NOT DIE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GO TO THE OFFICE ALICE. HE'S DEAD TEDDY'S DEAD ALICE YOU NEED TO STOP IGNORING THEM FOR SAM'S SAKE THEY'RE BOTH DEAD AS HELLLLLLLL

gwen come through and be okay pls. gwen pls. TREVOR HERBERT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME CACKLE I'M SORRY.

lena do you still have your job? babygirl? oh god. something bad is gonna happen to her. is there a lena death count lmao

"but i think you will be" LENA???? shaking actually hello. goodbye lena???? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO NEED IT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????????????????? gwenny are you laughing or crying or nope you're laughing. you are laughing.

they're at hilltop center oh my fuckign god they're here nervously petting my desk??? what am i doing.

"checking for tape recorders" LORD.

"call it a hunch" loooooooooooooooord.

hey why's sam humming he's being so fucking weird rn???? he's being so weird????????? so is celia actually i really hate this

"we want your teeth" these are all weird places huh. interestinggggg.

celia you gotta stop pushing sam please pleeasasee

i'm so freake WHO IS THAT WHOOO????? LMAO??????? poor dude

"i better go lock it back up before it's..." ooh supernatural worker

LMAOO IT'S SO HAUNTED PLS GET OUTTTTTTT PLSSSSS GET OUTTTTTTT

you SHOULD go sam and celia you SHOULD

she's being super weird is she like actually a shitty person bc i was kinda defending her with my whole being

"if you're stupid enough to go poking around, that's on you" this guy would love alice

oh speak of the devil hi babe!!!!

NO HESTITATION AFTER THE BRIBE LMAOO

I ACTUALLY HEARD THE TAPE RECORDER THIS TIME I'M SO PROUD.

oh the custodian is gonna die that sucks so much because i actually really like him he's coughing like sam was i'm really worried

oooh that was the clearest thing we've heard the archivist say

THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES MUSIC I'M GOING TO START CRYING SO LOUD I CAN'T EVEN ANYMORE

OH WHY WOULD YOU BRING UP THE FINGERNAIL THING I LOST A FINGERNAIL FROM THE ROOT YESTERDAY.

dogs.. like lady mowbray...

NIKOLA ORSINOV????????????????????????? NIKOLA??????????????????? BABE?????????????????????????????

no it was a person unfortunately

DEAD IN HIS OFFICE???? oh what the actual fuck

okay they're really not subtle about the magnus archives theme anymore LMFAO

oh my god he's dying :( i really liked him he seemed so chill

WHAT??????????????????? DID HE JUST BECOME THE BUILDING????????????????????????????????????????????? DUDE COME ON CAN ONE MINOR SIDE CHARACTER JUST BE OKAY AND HAPPY. rip i guess? rest in piece (singular)

"she can wait" you're pissing me off.

celia knows this too damn well she knows it TOO well. did she ever have to dig herself out of this

IS THIS THE RIP??????

celia? celia is this where you came from. "almost" HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING WHAT'S HAPPENING??? SAM YOU'RE KINDA REAL FOR THIS ACTUALLY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO HIM PLEASE

if he dies. i'm gonna be so upset.

WOAH. WOAHHHHHHHH. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THE INSTITUTE ALCHEMY IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE IT WANTS HER BACK IT. WHAHTUAHAHDHAHGAGDGASYFGAFYGTASGTGFGJS

the equation doesn't balance so you have to go back? oh that's why she wakes up randomly because it's pulling her!! "there's nothing to go back to" sad face. lynne hammond did have a................................ celia. ceeeeeeelia.

celia don't fucking do it don't fucking do it don't fucking do it.

"I REALLY DID LIKE YOU" I'M HYPERVENTILATING. SHE'S CARRYING A KNIFE. I'M HYPERVENTILATING.

I'M CRYING. WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. IS THIS CELIA'S STATEMENT???

THE FEARLESS ONE I'M ACTUALLY WEEPING??????

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT SAM ARE YOU OKAY. ALCIUEJ NAOLIKJDHFJVDFHIJBHABHIFBJGHF

I'M SO UNOKAY I'M SOOOOO ALICE NO PLEASE BABYDOLL PLEASE YOU'RE SO FUCKED YOU'RE SO FUCKED

NOT THE FUCKING HILLTOP DUDE GOD DAMMIT

shaking trembling violently rocking back and forth i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared

gwenny.... hhhhhh

oh hey it's trevor! can we pls go find out what just happened to sam i need him to be alright.

what is that fuckass no HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD ALICE IS THERE AND CELIA AND SAM OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD. OOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD. WHERE'S SAM.

he's not.. is he? oh no.

THEY BOOOOOOOOOOTH FELL THROUGH???????? AND YOU'RE ENDING THE FUCKING EPISODE THERE DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOOUUUUUUUUUUU. YOU. OH MY FUCK.

i need to go take a moment to reflect or something holy fucking shit.

[tales-of-sweets]

Symphonia Thoughts Pt. 6

Under the cut like usual!👇🏾

Finally found out why Regal won't enter that city... damn Regal. And Presea too, she's lost everyone now :( I guess I shoulda seen that coming. I'm a little confused though? She was just his servant? The way he acted about her leading up to this had me thinking it was someone super personal to him like his child or love interest. Am I missing something? Uhhh, I do not trust this Mithos kid like AT ALL. His one skit was Genis was kinda sketch. Where he was talking about how humans killed his parents and how he hated them for it and he was like "You understand, right?" Like okay, are we trying to turn him into a half-elf supremacist too? Let's not put thoughts in the poor guy's head. And then in the other skit where the Kendama switched courses to avoid hitting Raine and Colette thought maybe her power did it his response to that was weird. Idk, I don't really like him so far and his friendship with Genis makes me uneasy. Genis please, I will be so sad if you betray it, it will hurt worse than Kratos. Speaking of Kratos, idk what to believe or who to trust. He seems to be trying to help us but now we have also partnered with Yuan. It seems like (judging by their past little confrontations and the fact that Yuan straight up tried to murder him once) that they're on opposing sides... so I'm really wondering if either of them are trustworthy since at the end of the day they both have Cruxis connections. We are back in Sylvarant now, which is inferior in every other way EXCEPT for the fact that I can buy eggs again now which means I can force Colette to eat obscene amounts of fried rice with bell peppers until she hates Lloyd. I plan to spend a few days doing nothing but grinding to get her affection down. The way I clapped my hands and cheered out loud when I finally found a place that sold them after looking everywhere. I originally wanna gonna try for Sheena for Lloyd's soulmate but she barely likes him rn lol😔 Zelos and Colette are already at a high ranking but she's the current highest so I guess I'll try to knock her out of the top spot and aim for Zelos since he's already there. I like Colette but so much of the story already revolves around her, I would rather someone who isn't her have the top spot so they can have more scenes. The Katz village is too cute, I want to live there.

This guy lol I don't have much to say about him but do I really need to?

Raine... I wonder why she was left at the gate thing (forget the name) and what exactly that means... Why am I so on edge feeling like everyone is about to betray us? Colette is keeping secrets again, Raine found out something troubling about her past, Mithos is feeding Genis weird ideas, we're probably gonna have to fight Regal when we find out he's the murderer, Sheena was angry that we didn't let her sacrifice herself to Kuchinawa, and then there is Zelos... I got a skit where he jokes about how he should deceive Lloyd and Raine tells him that if he does that then he's forfeiting his life (which like yes, let's go girl, protect your stupid found family son). He says he was just joking... "I think". WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THIS!? I already thought he was up to something when he wandered off in the renegade base but now he can't even say with confidence that he won't betray what I assume to be a close friend of his? Sir... 😑 Plus judging by what I already know about the choice later, being told he'll have to forfeit his life if he deceives Lloyd is kind of ominous. I have no clue why he dies if he picks Kratos (only that it's seemingly intentional?) but if it's anything related to betrayal... hoo boy, I'm ready (not for him dying, I won't allow it... this time). I had an off feeling about Kuchinawa for a while, he was too nice (this game has taught me to never trust anyone who is kind or helps you out lol). For that matter I don't trust the other dude either tbh... Poor Sheena though, she just can't win. I was glad that everyone (except for Lloyd kinda) didn't push Presea to accept Altessa's apology. Even if he's remorseful it doesn't undo the pain he caused her nor the fact that she lost over a decade of her life because of him. And I have a feeling the death of her sister is related in some way too. I don't think she needs to forgive him. I don't even think she needs to forgive Regal if she doesn't want to. I just hope that she can find comfort and healing someday. It was nice to see her smile, even if it was only that once so far. And lastly, I adore Tabatha with all my heart. She's positively adorable and I love how she just gave us a whole bunch of random stuff for no reason, that was cute.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a month or two since I last wrote to you. Christmas came and passed. My brother could not make it home due to covid but it was nice either way. I stayed longer than I actually wanted to because the whole situation is affecting my mum more than the rest of us, even if she really started to get on my nerves. Whenever I’m home I have this need to constantly be happy and make sure that she’s entertained. It is actually exhausting and during my stay there I neglected alot of things I should have done. I came home two weeks ago and had to deal with it now instead, which leaves me with no motivation. I am actually so drained and I haven’t even had time to unpack my bag because I’ve literally been in school from 9 to 9. New years came too and it was pretty good considering. My dad always drinks a little too much and my mum gets annoyed at it, but the day after we all pretended like it was nothing, so I guess it was nothing. Sometimes I wonder if they are still inlove.

I spent a day at my brothers too and it was really fun actually. I often forget that I actually have a good relationship with him and beforehand I was nervous but the conversation just flowed. His gf was there too and whilst I’ve always thought we had a bit of trouble to connect, she apparently thought differently, because towards the end of the night, she told me that she had always wanted a little sister. It really made me happy to hear her say that.

I need to take time for myself this weekend. I need a good full eitght hours of sleep and I need to clean my room, it is actually looking disgusting and I would be ashamed to let someone see it. A new girl moved in whilst I was away too and apparantly she’s a bit problematic, but since I’ve barley been home, I haven’t noticed. The others wants to confront her but I don’t have the energy to care about this rn. I’m starting to get a better relationship with a few of them though, which is fun, not that it was bad before, but now I would consider them my friends. Otherwise, things are as usuall here. We have started planning our new movies in school and I’m kind of excited about it. I’m nervous because one of our teachers seems to have decided to be bitter this year and I have alot of tutoring sessions with him that I’m scared of. He has made me cry before, even though I always hold the tears back until the call has ended. I’m going to be confident though. I have to be. We went to look at locations for our films today and K was there. I know I’ve told you about him before. Anyways, everytime I see him, I can’t help to get some butterfiles. I am not inlove with him yet, and I don’t know if it is a crush either, maybe it’s just the beginning of a good friendship. In theory, he is the perfect guy for me. He would considering moving to the place I want to live, we have similar interest and I know he would not judge me for my family or anything. In theory, we are the perfect match. But we don’t really flirt, or maybe I can’t read the signlas. We walked togheter quite a bit today and for a while we walked so close that we touched arms with every step. I know it’s silly that I’m reading into things, but it was cute. He also took pictures of me and when I switched cars on the way home, he seemed kind of bummed. We joked alot too and he has previously said thigs like “Maybe that’s why we get along so good/maybe that’s why I like you so much”. I don’t know though, he is one of those genuinly good and nice persons so I can’t tell if it’s flirting or not, because he is always sweet. I wish I could spend more time with him, but I don’t know how to reach out to people. He makes me feel safe. I’m also starting to get a closer relationship with Ks which is nice. I have a hard time keeping friends or getting close to people so that we are getting closer is really fun. He has multiple times invited me to work on projects with him and once during the chirstmasbreak, we had a zoom call going the whole night. It’s a little weird, since I would not see myself getting good friends with him, but he has a good energy and honesly, I’m just happy to be apart of things again. Whilst we’re talking about relationships, I’m snaping this boy alot and we’re kinda getting close but not at all - we never talk about anything personal, we just flirt, and whilst I’m not the one for sending nudes or sexting, it is still fun to have someone to take your mind of everything. He is so cute, has the bluest of eyes (literally, I’ve never seen eyes that blue before) and a cute smile. He has curly hair and a good sense of humor. And if that wasn’t enough, he always tell me good morning and he has a cute butt. Anyway, I rather be with K than with him but as I said, it’s nice to have someone to take your mind of things.

There’s alot more I want to say, like the fact that I have gained weight and feel like shit again, but I’m actually about to fall asleep writing this so this is good bye for now. Take care.

Love, Milla.

[szopenhauer]

Are you more positive or a debbie downer? Debbie Downer should be my name lol

What would you love to drink right now? I’m drinking water rn, second mug in a row, my belly is going to explode

Is that an alcoholic drink or not? it’s not this kind of water :P

Oh good. What would you love to eat right now? I’m not hungry...

How many meals do you eat a day? depends

Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? sometimes

What are you favorite type of jeans? I’d say skinny even tho I don’t wear jeans anymore ^^”

Do you eat your nails? wait what swallow? ewww I don’t even bite them :o 

Do you enjoy making or taking surveys? taking them more 

Name something that is blue that you like Sadness from Inside out

Name something pink that you like PYNK music video by Janelle Monae? XD

If you could have one more pet, what? meh

If you could sleep next to a tame wild animal what? woah 

Would you rather have an owl or a snake? both are cool

What would you name it? Bowl for owl and for snake either Ksysio or Wonsz żmieja?

Do you eat the ice in your drink? no

Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? I had one cigarette in my whole life but I still keep a package in my room :x

Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? fb, I don’t care for insta 

Do you watch beauty videos on You Tube? nah

Do you like Star Wars? love

What kind of surveys do you like the most? interesting, not just YES or NO questions, I want to go deeper 

Have you ever dropped something down the garbage disposal on accident? omg luckily not 

What CD would you never buy for yourself? anything Justin Bieber for sure

Is sex a must in your life? absolutely not

Would you rather be cute and ugly or hot and stupid? cute and ugly? lmfao ok 

Are you evil in any way? everyone is, more or less

Would you rather be a clown or a garbage man? can’t decide :D

Would you rather be a rockstar or a librarian? librarian but rock star ain’t that bad of a choice ;)

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? again? I just got this question on ask today and that really made me anxious

Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? sigh... Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? yep but not to my room as I’m super ashamed of it, it’s not what I really want, it’s more like a storage room for mine and my mom’s things, I wish I could move and out and do what I want instead of cleaning this mess just to have it ruined days after, not that I have money now to fix things the way I imagine my bedroom to be someday :( Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? yesterday was better but today I got a T-shirt so that was a good moment Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? hospital

Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? blergh, r u kidding me?... Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? constantly Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? not because of me but someone somewhere definitely has that name on them for another reason How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I'm in a relationship Is there anyone who likes you? it seems If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? of course  What’s the first thing you heard this morning? you mean a sound (doorbell) or words (I don’t remember)? If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? not possible Are you young or old? young, at least according to my ID and being childish Are there always other fish in the sea? there are but maybe I don’t want them and/or they don’t want to be catched etc. What can your tongue do? pfft Do chickens have feelings? sorta Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? ...  So how are you feeling today? not good enough Where is your sister right now? don’t know nor care What do you smell like? it’s so hot, I smell like sweat and I can’t stand it but I can’t shower all day long What colour is your mum’s hair? grey  When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? last week Do you like fire? as an element of magic in fantasy movies  Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? she’s noisy in different ways Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? that’s a lame stereotype Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? they’re useless but one time I bought Moomin ones because I’ve been walking through the store and they fallen right under my feet and there was nobody around nor the shelf/aisle that they could come from so it was weird and I love Moomins so I took them home (I paid) and they’re probably stored somewhere  Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? what do you mean? Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? my gf apparently - in a cute way - that’s surprising for a teetotalist like me  What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? my tee came! When was the last time you saw your father? he just left for work and I was waving to him through the window which is our tradition  What if your partner went through your cellphone? I have nothing to hide Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? my parents and sister

Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. he’s handsome but I’d prefer to be him instead of having a crush on sex I’m not attracted to

What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? ... freeze? and pee myself Have you ever received an anonymous gift? one time when we were really poor that we couldn’t afford food someone left a package under our door, knocked and ran, bless this person whoever knew we have hard times :* What kind of laugh do you have? many kinds that happen randomly Will you have a Valentine next year? I have a bigger chance than any other year before  Macaroon or a cupcake? cupcake Did you kiss or hug anyone today? hug my mom and my dad too Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? kinda Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I’m not in an abusive relationship but I know those who are as it’s common and it’s really sad that ppl think only beating makes relationship toxic Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? I’ll stay home  Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I remember E.W. once said that we have a lot of elves around because LOTR movie had very ugly ones as we did in high school, I tried to find that pic someone posted back in the day but I failed, it was from the council from what I remember 

Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? mostly I just keep my eye on my father and my mother all the time because of covid (and not only because of it) if that counts Are you plotting anything at the moment? another chapter of the book? Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? because they were evil to them, it wasn’t about ME If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? she moved out :3

Do you have a therapist? no longer Have you ever gotten a good grade in math class? yeah, in middle school I was getting awesome grades in math class What do you think of the last person you texted? we’re dating Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? I’ve never done cocaine wtf

Do you post pictures were you look good but your friends look bad? I ask them first  Are you friends with any of your exes? me and one of my exes are together Are you a whiskey person? I’m a no alcohol person

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? tiny bit, wasn’t that bad

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? I have not Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? not in a movie theater Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? somewhat Do you like sour candy? by Lady Gaga  not eat Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? but I don’t drive Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? brrrr no way Are you good at painting nails? am not but it doesn’t matter Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? doubt it What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? kurwa Do you rip out the page if you make a mistake writing, or cross it out? cross it out, if I ripped the page then there would be nothing left  Do you use a full length mirror daily? we don’t own one Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? I think they don’t match my style and they’re uncomfy in a long term Mac or PC? PC Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? sorry but probably not Do you ever actually make your bed? when I have guests Do you make an effort to eat healthy? yup The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? black, that’s easy What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? food If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? money because one regret won’t help me and even might make things worse Are you taller than your mom? almost 10 cm What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving today? my gf - break up  my dad - try to stop him or move out with him You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems? no problems  Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? 0 Could you handle living with a male roommate? my dad, no one else What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? waking up Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? who said we aren’t texting? Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? don’t feed my paranoia Connection between you and the last person who messaged you? love Where is your biological father right now? bus/job already Who else is in the room with you? I’m alone Water with ice or no ice? no ice  Are you wrapped in a blanket? too hot for that

Has anyone done anything nice for you today? I’m thankful for all those nice things people do for me - big or small The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? took a walk

Do you usually bring or buy a lunch for school? bring

The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? their

How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever? middle school was the beginning 

Do you fit in at work or in school? I was always an outcast

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh God, Ew.”? 99% of time

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? nope

Is there someone you need to forgive? *annoyed sound*

What’s your brother(s) / sister(s) names? personal

Suppose you saw your crush/bf/gf kissing another girl/guy, what would you do? why tho

What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? whatever bridesmaid wanna wear besides white

Do you have a secret crush right now? it’s no secret

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want to have kids? me

Would you rather visit Tokyo or Paris? dunno

Do you think you would like living in New York or Chicago? Why or why not? too overcrowded/loud etc.

Name 3 celebrities who are the same height as you. Lady Gaga, Ellen Page, Reese Witherspoon

Are you happy with your height? I’d like to be taller, not too much tho

Do you have big or small hands? small

Have you been baptized?  I have been 

Have you ever been abused in any way? sadly

Do you like unicorns? they’re fine

Is there one book you have read over and over again because it’s so good? if so, which is it? I don’t reread books

Do you play games on your phone a lot? recently I became obsessed with LOVE ISLAND game 

Have you ever had to put out a kitchen fire? my mom took care of it but it wasn’t a big deal tbh

Have you ever been kidnapped? wut

Do you have anything glow in the dark in your room? stars

Do you wear a scarf, if so, what does it look like? not rn

Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? mhm but not too long

Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? breadsticks and pizza? it’s like bread with bread - no thx

Did you ever have a waterbed? I hate those

What toy from your childhood do you miss? rubber toys?

Did you sleep in late today? yes

When was the last time you were disappointed? this day

Do you like listening to love songs? I like a variety of music which includes love songs

In your group of friends, are you the smart one, athletic one, etc.? funny mom friend... ok, fine, a dad because my puns are daddy jokes

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? no but they said bad things about me behind my back

Did you ever watch the show Full House? with my sister What was the last thing that scared you? how I feel physically Do the librarians at your library know you by name? they do

What ten people would you most likely bring on a roadtrip? 10 ppl?! shoot me...

Is there anything you’re really stressed out about right now? health issues

What was the last thing that made you cry? I’m about to cry...

What are the last three songs you listened to? Crystal Castles - Suffocation  frnkiero andthe cellabration - neverenders  Major Lazer - Be Together (Feat. Wild Belle)

[texanredrose]

Did You Know?

-Today, 0317- (214) 13-170-9: Did you know that "hamburger" is two words combined, but it's not "ham" and "burger", but "hamburg" and "er"? No idea what "er" means, though. Or “Hamburg” really. English is weird. You: Who are you and how did you get this number? (214) 13-170-9: Shit, is this not Blake? You: No. I am not Blake. (214) 13-170-9: Ah fuck, sorry, must've fat fingered the number! You: It's four in the morning here. (214) 13-170-9: Oh, cool, same timezone. Still, sorry about that. You: It's fine. You: And, for the record, -er is an Atlesian suffix that roughly means "from" and Hamburg is a city in Atlas. "Hamburger" means, quite literally, "from Hamburg". You: I grew up not too far from there. (214) 13-170-9: Oh, that's so cool! My name's Yang! You: Noted. Now, may I return to slumber or do you have any other useless trivia to impart upon me? (214) 13-170-9: Right, sorry! Again! (214) 13-170-9: Night! Sweet dreams!

-Today, 1034- You: Now that it’s a somewhat respectable hour, I’d like to apologize for being curt last night.  (214) 13-170-9: Hey, I get it! I’d be a little cranky if someone woke me up, too. (214) 13-170-9: Really, no harm, no foul. (214) 13-170-9: But if you’re ever in need of useless trivia, I’m here! You: That was... harsh of me. (214) 13-170-9: I mean, you’re not exactly wrong. Most of this stuff isn’t really that useful. But it can be food for thought or even a little funny! Like, did you know the electric chair was invented by a dentist? Sounds weirdly appropriate, doesn’t it? (214) 13-170-9: Guess he got his patients confused with chickens; THOSE are the ones where you pull out all the white things and THEN fry ‘em. You: That was dark. You: I’ll admit it made me laugh out loud, but still dark. (214) 13-170-9: Okay, look, I work with what material’s available to me, and that was the first one that popped into my head. (214) 13-170-9: Also, did you really type out ‘laugh out loud’? lol, really? You: What do you have against properly spelling out words? (214) 13-170-9: Okay, you know what, in hindsight, you’re right. It just caught me off guard. Most people use abbreviations. (214) 13-170-9: Or emojis. You: I honestly hate the sight of that stupid word. You: Also, I spend all day trapped in an alphabet soup hell. I don’t need more abbreviations, thank you. (214) 13-170-9: But they make things so much quicker! btw, ofc I could spell it all out, but rn I’m using one hand, other’s occupied. (214) 13-170-9: I swear that’s not as dirty as it sounds. You: At EOD, I meet with my POC for a SITREP, then CM to the DFAC. (214) 13-170-9: I respectfully withdraw my argument, have a good day.

-Today, 1425- (214) 13-170-9: Um. I might be overstepping here and maybe you’re busy but either way I hope I didn’t upset you or insult you earlier. You: You said “have a good day”; I assumed that was the end of the conversation. (214) 13-170-9: Do you even meme?! You: I realize I implied and now am outright stating that English isn’t my primary language but you don’t have to make up words. (214) 13-170-9: Oml have you never seen a meme before? Hold on. (214) 13-170-9: [MyHairIsABird.jpeg][open][save] You: What.The. Fuck. (214) 13-170-9: You’ve never seen that before? You: I have and am now wondering why I allowed myself to be teleported back a decade. You: At least. It’s probably closer to two at this point. (214) 13-170-9: That’s a meme. It’s short for mimetic mutation I think? Where a joke gets so far removed from the source that it loses all connection but it’s still somehow funny? You: No. (214) 13-170-9: Look, I’ve never had to explain a meme before! You: I’m not saying “no” to your explanation; I’m saying “no” to that meme, as you call it. (214) 13-170-9: That’s what it’s called! You: Of course it is. (214) 13-170-9: Okay, fine, how about this one? (214) 13-170-9: [loss.jpeg][open][save] You: Now you’re tormenting me. You: Wait. I recognize this format. You: This is the stupid joke the idiots I call my subordinates are giggling about like school children? You: It’s not even a joke. This is a serious matter. (214) 13-170-9: I mean, I agree, I’m not sure how it became a joke but it did? (214) 13-170-9: I swear I’m not as dark as I’ve been sounding. (214) 13-170-9: Like, this whole conversation is kinda atypical for me, I swear. You: You’re putting in a lot of effort to convince a stranger that you’re not exactly as you’ve been acting. (214) 13-170-9: Well, you got me there. Sorry.

-Today, 1832- You: You’ve gone quiet. I suppose both of your hands were required? (214) 13-170-9: I just figured you probably had a point and I should just stop digging a bigger hole for myself. You: You don’t have any more trivia? (214) 13-170-9: Did you know a shark’s top speed is 96 km/h? You: Which species? (214) 13-170-9: Uh, Mako shark, I think. You: You are correct. I have a certain affinity for sharks.  You: They aren’t as terrible as people make them out to be, you know. Yang: Actually, more people die from being struck on the head with a coconut than from shark attacks every year. They’re mostly fine if you leave them alone. Unprovoked attacks aren’t as common as people think, I mean. It’s mostly just one species responsible for them, too, but people lump all sharks together. You: They do. Sharks are dangerous, yes, but most creatures are. Sharks just get a bad reputation for essentially no reason. Yang: Actually, the movie Jaws spawned a lot of the social stigma around sharks. Yang: Do you have a favorite shark? You: The catshark. There’s several species all over Remnant; they’re deep sea creatures, living below what most people fish at, but they’re occasionally spotted by research vessels. They have beautiful skins with wonderful patterns but very little is known about them, and each subspecies is unique in its own way. You: They’re truly fascinating creatures. Yang: They sound really cool! You: I have a question for you. Yang: Shoot. You: You’ve given me your name yet you haven’t ask me mine. Why? Yang: Well, let’s start from the top. Yang: I messaged you in the middle of the night on accident, which you weren’t very happy about. Then when you apologized, I made a bad joke and you took it literally. THEN, I apologized again, and we talked about memes, and that entire discussion didn’t go anywhere good, I think we’re on the same page on that one. Yang: So, from my perspective, I really don’t have any right to ask your name. I gave you mine so you’d know who to specifically curse if you’re religiously inclined. Yang: Or, like, you just want the satisfaction of specifically cursing me, because like, mood. You: How thoughtful. You: It’s Winter. Yang: I’m pretty sure it’s spring? You: You boob. My name is Winter. Yang: OH Yang: IT’S A GOOD NAME You: ... really? Yang: Absolutely! It’s a beautiful name! You: That wasn’t me looking for reassurance; that was me being... surprised by your response. Yang: It makes me think of Atlas, kinda, cause it’s so cold up there. Yang: Oh. Yang: I am just a series of “open mouth, insert foot” examples today. You: Are you on something? Alcohol? Weed? Nicotine? Yang: NO! You: Admittedly, that last one wouldn’t lead to such a lapse in judgement as you’ve currently displayed. You: Are you lying to me? Yang: FUCKING NO, I’M NOT ON ANYTHING! Yang: I just haven’t been sleeping well recently and my head’s a little fuzzy. That’s all. You: That would explain the middle-of-the-night trivia session. Yang: I said I was sorry about that. You: I believe you but I also believe that a good night’s rest in fundamentally important. You: Tonight, you’re going to sleep at a reasonable hour. Yang: You can’t just command me to go to sleep! You: I just did. Yang: Wait a minute, the acronyms, the orders, “subordinates”- you’re military, aren’t you? You: Yes. Yang: That’s awesome! I’m just a mechanic. I like working on engines. You: Riveting, truly, but those are topics for tomorrow. Tonight, you sleep. Yang: lmao, nice pun! You: I didn’t make a pun. Yang: I said I’m a mechanic, you said “riveting”, how was that not a pun? You: You’re deflecting. Yang: My shields are up. You: I’m not engaging in a pun war when you should be going to bed. Yang: I’m not going to bed, so I guess we’re at a stalemate. You: Fine. Here’s the deal. Make me a promise. Yang: Wow, we’re hardly on first name basis and now we’re making promises? You move fast. You: Promise me you’ll text me whatever piece of trivia comes to mind whenever you’re having trouble sleeping. Yang: I don’t get it. I’d be waking you up at all hours. You: Exactly. You seem like the sort of person to care very much about others so I doubt you’d compromise my sleep intentionally. Now that you have a clear purpose of going to sleep to help someone else sleep, you’ll have an easier time accomplishing the task. Yang: What are you, some kinda quack psychologist? Yang: You’re playing dirty. You: I’m military. What did you honestly expect? Yang: Touche. Yang: Fine. I’ll try to sleep tonight. But just know! I have a whole bunch of factoids for ya! Get ready cause neither of us is sleeping tonight! You: Usually, I’d insist someone buy me dinner first. Yang: Now you’re flirting. You: I’m merely stating fact. You: How about one more “factoid” before bed? Yang: Did you know a shark’s teeth are literally hard as steel? You: Playing to my interests, I see. Yang: I have my moments of brilliance. You: Indeed you do. Now, good night, Yang. Get some sleep. Yang: Good night Winter. Sweet dreams. You: And to you the same.

-Today, 0947- Yang: I hate you. You: Care to elaborate? Yang: Somehow, it worked, and I just woke up from the sleep of the dead. My body feels like mush sloshing around a hollow lead cylinder. You: What you’re feeling is the side effects of your body getting both too little and too much rest at the same time. If you establish a better sleep schedule, you’ll avoid this feeling in the future. Yang: Thank you, Doctor Winter. Do I get a lollipop? You: Continue being this cheeky; I assure you it’s doing nothing but improving my perception of you. Yang: Harsh. You: That was teasing. Yang: Oh. You really should add, like, an lol or something when you're joking. I'm not awake enough to find context clues. You: Aside from the lethargy, how are you feeling? Yang: Hungry. I finally dragged myself out of bed to cook breakfast and it turns out my sister already made me some. I’ve taught her well. You: Older or younger? Yang: I’m older by two years. Sometimes, it feels longer than that, though; I practically raised her. You: Interesting. I’m glad she made some food for you. Yang: Yeah. Now that I think about it, probably worried her pretty bad the last few weeks. You: Is that how long you’ve been having trouble sleeping?” Yang: About that. Yang: These pancakes taste fucking delicious btw. Yang: Did you know that, for most people, their right lung takes in more air than their left? You: We need to have a talk about priorities because I highly doubt you’ve inhaled your food that quickly. Yang: Sorry, my sis had to leave, so it’s a quiet breakfast over here. You: I don’t see that as something that needs to be corrected. You: However, I find myself wondering if you know the reason behind the lung trivia. Yang: I do! It’s because, for most people, your heart is just to the left of the center of your chest. So, since the heart takes up space, there’s only two sacs in your left lung, as opposed to three in your right. Yang: *sacks? Idek You: Idek? Yang: I Don’t Even Know- not sure what the difference between “sacs” and “sacks” is. You: This is why acronyms and abbreviations are more trouble than they’re worth. Yang: Okay, so basically, a sac is biological and a sack is manufactured. Like, sacs are things naturally occurring that fill with air or liquid, either in the body or outside it. Sacks are made for carrying things like groceries. Yang: Meanwhile, “sack” as a verb means either getting hit or getting laid off. Or maybe both, I guess, depending on your job. You: You went and looked it up? Yang: What, you think I was born with all these random things preprogrammed? Yang: I have a really good retention rate and I'm curious a lot. Yang: Google is my friend. You: Obviously. I suppose the appropriate follow-up question would be: you kept highlighting “most people”. Why? Yang: Well, there are a lot of medical reasons that makes it not applicable to everyone. Dextrocardia, for instance, in its mildest form causes the heart to face the opposite way, so the lungs usually fill differently because of that. More severe cases mean that more visceral organs are mirrored, too. You: Okay, so, language, sharks, the electric chair, and now medical trivia. The breadth of your subjects of interest is impressive. Yang: Thanks! Yang: Did you know that the cracking sound made by a whip is caused by the tip breaking the sound barrier? Yang: I’m pretty sure this counts as physics. You: I’ll add physics to the list. You: Now finish your breakfast and do something small. Take a nap in a few hours or whenever you feel tired. Yang: Do you have any siblings? Yang: You don't have to answer right away! Yang: Or at all. Yang: Guess you're busy? Eating breakfast maybe?

-Today, 1036- You: Actually, I was in formation. It's usually at 0930 but there were... complications this morning, so they pushed it back half an hour. Yang: Huh. For some reason, I always thought the military would be, like, SUPER punctual. You: And I have a younger sister and a younger brother, in that order. You: I'm going to tell you a secret: the military is always late. We just never admit it. Yang: So, you're like a bunch of cats? You: Given what constitutes my workday, yes, I would say that's accurate. "Herding cats" is the most accurate description of my job title. Yang: lmao, that's wild. Your siblings here in Vale too? Or back home in Atlas? You: My sister is here; she moved here to study at Beacon and then decided to stay. I suspect her girlfriend might factor into that decision but she's remaining tight lipped about it. My brother is at home, in Atlas. You: Now explain “lmao”. Yang: Laughing My As Off Yang: You really don’t know any chat abbreviations? You: Has it occurred to you that abbreviations is a very long word to describe the shortening of words and is, in itself, evidence that it’s all very silly? Yang: I know this is going to sound very grade school but you’re kinda cute when you’re annoyed. You: You’re right; that does sound very grade school. You: And you only say that because you can’t see me. Yang: Oh, so you don’t go all broody, kinda constipated, pursed lips when you’re annoyed by something? You: I understand those words individually but, combined, I’m lost. What would that even look like? Yang: Here. Yang: [photo][open][save] You: First, I want to assure you that you’re a very beautiful individual. You: Next, you look absolutely ridiculous. Yang: Hey, that’s how I think you look when you’re annoyed! You: I do not. Yang: Okay, I’ll take your word for it! You: [photo][open][save] Yang: Oh Yang: Wow You: That is what I look like when annoyed. You: And, not to wound your ego, but that annoyance isn’t inspired by you. A subordinate just asked me for fucking grid squares. You: At this point, one would think that joke’s too tired to work, but one would be wrong. Yang: Did you know that the winter of 392 was so cold, all of Beacon Falls froze over? You: Back to trivia? Yang: It’s my default response when higher brain function shuts down. You: I’ll admit, this is the first time in a long while I’ve felt flattery to be entirely sincere. Yang: This isn’t flattery; this is cold, hard facts. You: I see. Yang: Hey, I, uh, just realized the time, I gotta get to work. Yang: See if I still have a job, at any rate. You: I understand. Good luck. Yang: Thanks! Hope your work day gets better!

-Today, 1236- You: I assume the radio silence to be a good sign.

-Today, 1428- Yang: Yeah! Turns out, the shop kept a spot for me. My boss is being really understanding. Yang: Kinda... babying me, too, but... I’m getting used to it. Yang: At least he fired the idiot that started this whole mess. You: Am I permitted to inquire as to what happened? Yang: I don’t wanna go into details. You: That’s understandable. You: I’m glad they kept a spot for you. Are you going to return to work full time or ease into it? Yang: Give me a minute. You: Very well.

-Today, 1513- Yang: A few months ago, there was an accident at the shop. We do body work too and this guy tried using a machine he had no business using. Freaked out, caused a scene, I tried going over to help, ended up with my right arm caught in the damn thing. Mangled it pretty bad. So bad the docs had to take it. I got fitted for a prosthetic and I’m just trying to find normal again. Yang: I know I said I didn’t wanna go into the details but I’m actually shit at lying. Yang: Except in, like, weirdly specific circumstances. You: Thank you. Yang: Ok. Gotta admit. Not the response I expected. You: It must be very difficult to discuss and think about the accident. You didn’t have to go into it, yet you did, and I thank you for trusting me with that. You: That being said, is this a contributing factor to your insomnia? Yang: It’s not insomnia. I’m just not sleeping well. Yang: But yeah, idk, maybe it’s related. I liked sleeping on my right side and I can’t anymore. Anchor digs into my ribs. You: Establishing a new routine can be tricky at first. Everything is just a painful reminder of the incident. Yang: Sounds like you have experience with this. You: A bit. A superior of mine whom I respect greatly lost most of his body a few years back. He speaks very frankly about the challenges he faced when returning to the line. Yang: Wait, you mean General Ironwood? You: You know him? Yang: Who in Remnant doesn’t? He’s basically a celebrity. I mean, not just for the prosthetic body thing; he’s also the youngest commanding General of the Atlesian military. Yang: Which... tbh, is kinda weird. Isn’t he pushing fifty? You: Age takes on a whole new concept in the military. Yang: I’d say. Yang: They talked about him when I started my physical therapy. Supposed to inspire me, I guess. You: For what it’s worth, he actually dislikes when people do that. He says that each individual case is a war all unto itself. Comparisons are detrimental to the individual’s recovery. Yang: I like him better already. I’ve been over here trying to just “suck it up” I mean, not like I lost anything more than an arm, what do I have to complain about? You: Hold that thought. Yang: Okay?

-Today, 1558- You: Miss Yang? This is General Ironwood. Yang: Look, I’m all for practical jokes, but this isn’t a good one. You: [photo][open][save] Yang: This is not a joke. You: No, it is not.  You: Miss Yang, I’d like to extend my deepest, sincerest sympathies to you for your loss. Having your life upended in such a way can be extremely disorienting. However, the measure of your strength does not come from what you can or can’t do in comparison to before. It comes from your desire to continue fighting, to find a new balance to your life. Asymmetry is a measure of beauty, strength, and courage in its own right. Yang: Thank you, sir. Yang: *Sir. You: I’d like to extend an invitation to a support group I host. It’s mostly military members from all over Remnant but, if you don’t mind a bit of morbidly crass humor- a habit I’m attempting to break the lot of them from, with limited results- we’d be honored with your presence. Yang: No offense, but I doubt a bunch of soldiers would be “honored” by a mechanic. You: The first thing I teach is to see similarities instead of differences. You saw something dangerous and, rather than run away, you ran towards it. All of us share that experience. You: Except Carl. Yang: What happened to him? You: I apologize; it’s a military specific meme. Winter mentioned you’re rather fond of memes. Yang: Oh, so you know what a meme is, but she doesn’t? You: Don’t tell her I said so- she’s a very good soldier- but she’s always had a stick up her ass. She could use more memes in her life. Yang: Should I take that as an order? You: Absolutely. Yang: Can do. And, uh, sure. About the support group. You: Excellent! I’ll give Winter the details so she can pass them onto you. It was wonderful taking to you, Miss Yang. Yang: Yeah, you too, Sir. You: It’s Winter again. I hope that helped. Yang: Did you literally walk into the office of the commanding General of Atlas’ military, just to hand him your scroll and say ‘talk to this bitch’? You: I didn’t use those words; I told him I had a friend who recently attended physical therapy post amputation and I thought some words of encouragement from him would be a good idea. You: Wait, did he literally say I have a stick up my ass? Yang: WOOOW, meme savvy he might be, but apparently he doesn’t know how to delete a text message. You: I can’t believe he’d say that. You: I most certainly do not have a stick lodged in my posterior, figurative or otherwise. Yang: I’d offer to check but that’s a bit too fast too soon, so I’ll just say you seem alright to me. You: Thank you, Yang. Yang: Cranky when I wake you up at the asscrack of dawn, though. That might be when ass and stick are firm friends. You: Do not make me take it back. Yang: I’m just kidding! Yang: Seriously, though, thanks. You didn’t have to do that. You: You’re welcome.

-Today, 0233- Yang: Did you know it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep? You: I sincerely thought you’d be asleep by now. Yang: I did. Woke up. Yang: Sorry. You: Do you know what a contact truck is? Yang: Uh, no, no idea. You: It’s the military vehicle utilized by mechanics, outfitted with tools, so they can drive out and repair other vehicles. Do you know why it’s called that? Yang: Hit me with it. You: That was an actual question. Yang: Huh? You: I’ve been asking for as long as I’ve been in. Not even General Ironwood knows why it’s called that. It just is. Yang: omg that’s hilarious You: It’s that, too. Also incredibly vexing. You: I just want to know why it’s called that. Yang: Heh. If I find out, I’ll let you know. You: Go back to sleep, Yang. Yang: I’ll try. Night. You: And sweet dream. Yang: lol, same to you.

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE TWO

“I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game.” - dem

HOH: Josh C UPSIDE DOWN: Nick & Joshua NOMINEES: Emma & Nash POV: N/A FINAL NOMINEES: N/A EVICTED: Dem (Expelled)

EMMA

I been struggling in this game which is sad i want to have fun but yesterday made me feel like maybe having a meltdown and leaving 90 percent of servers was a good idea for me i really hope not i just really want to have fun and win for some reasons i always have trouble prejury in games trying to find my footing but at jury and late prejury i always know how to rise ASDFGH the people i really like rn are Jakey loml jev loml aria queen saira queen and also joshua is easy to talk too!!! nathan is also great

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSgjyUhGTng

NASH

i simply think men should stop winning hoh and trying to nom me. its week 2 go target someone else j*sh. jev and i are cool now though <3 love him

DEM

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game. I think I'm not in anyone's bad graces so far, which is good. But I really need to win one of these next HoH's so secure my social relationships. My plan moving forward is to see win HoH's. I want to win the next to HoH's I'm eligible in back to back. I also want to try to secure my relationships with Gina, Jev, and Jake. Those are three people I want to be close with in this game. Also maybe Joshua? He's pretty cool and chill.

SAIRA

I'm still getting a sense of how the game works but I feel pretty good, there are some people that are much easier to talk to than others but everyone is still so nice! i feel good about josh c as hoh! we get along pretty well and I don't THINK im in any danger but you never know! imma be honest, I don't have an actual plan, i'm mostly playing this by ear, just talking to people, bullying beck when the chance arises, and being myself! 

JOSH C

HELLO GIRLIES!

well, we won HOH and that's really EXCITING. i probably didn't need to win this week but i figured that i'd get a win under my belt while nominating people would still be EASY. i can establish trust with some people and get a "i didn't nom you, please don't nom me" situation going on. i also feel like the two people i'm going to nominate would have NOMMED me anyways because we just haven't talked..

who those people are? nash & emma. (vl don't hate me for only nominating women i didn't want it to come to this either)

but i just.. both of them have really only put in any effort to talk to me now that i'm HOH and i don't really LOVE that tbh. i've already told a few people that's who i'm thinking so i kind of accidentally locked myself in on these noms because there isn't any sense in throwing out more names than i have to!!

i have an alliance with kiki, brianna, jacob, jake, and aria. (i think that's the people in it? i wanna say that's right. LKFMSDG love this game for me) and i feel pretty good in that because i like all of them enough and they're people that will watch out for ME and each other. but i know my social connections go beyond that so i'm feeling pretty good with my spot in the game? i have a solid relationship with almost everyone in the game and i think i should be able to play a cute lil utr game for a few weeks. i don't think that i'll get targeted first if my alliance gets outed and if so.. i have ENOUGH faith in my comp strength and relationships to save me against MOST of the cast.

people kind of want me to nominate DEM because apparently he starts drama with people and has been a bit inactive. he's talked with me more than other people so im not super keen on throwing him on the block RIGHT AWAY but i'm thinking he's a good replacement nom because if people think he's MIA then no one other than him will be upset with me. maybe a backdoor? could be spicy..

i don't really know what else to say here so.. i hope this is enough! love u guys <3

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/mJw3qxsZ-Bg

JEV

Okay so I feel like pretty comfortable this week because me and Josh have gotten pretty close and bonded over our mutual love of Lucas HOWEVER he's just let me know he's gonna be nominating Nash and Emma which isn't GREAT since I'm in alliances with both of them and they're the only 2 alliances I have so I really wouldn't want to see either of them go home this week, this SUCKS ASS

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2xRQqqax8

ARIA

how is it ONLY week 2 i feel so hecking exhausted fhsabfd, but that might also be the fact that is 2 am so,,,oop. Um okay recap time!!!! Recaps are so hard because theres minor details that i still want to note without seeming super annoying so heres a minor list of things im noticing 

-Dem wants to "start playing the game" I told this to Jake (wish i could bold names ugh)

-Gina & dem told me they were gunning hard for hoh- i told nathan/monty/nick/,,,,and someone else this

-emma feels unconnected from cast

-Jake doesnt like Gina

-Josh likes Me Jev Kiki (told joshua)

-emma knows alliances are starting to form

-joey can get pwr hungry and chaotic + good comp ability

-told gnia my thoughts on the sides being "connected v unconnected" and other tidbits of info

-GIna (potentially joshua) doesnt like nash

-Nathan/Nash ARE CLOSE!!!!! WEE FUCKING WOO!!!!

-Told Jake that Jacob has the power (and the bs excuse he told gina pretending he doesnt have it,,,sure jan)

-jake is GREAT at lowering his threat lvl im sick

-Jev-Josh-Nathan-Nash all bonded p well on vc potentially an alliance

-jake tried to get gina nominated

-Emma Nash noms

-Jake doesnt want emma to leave

So,,,thats what you missed on GLEE! Honestly glee sucks but yeah thats all my info i would weave everything together with cute transitions but im TIRED and lots of this information doesnt really connect well so,,,have a bullet list! 

okok nvm heres some general thoughts bc JUST a bullet point list is so boringgg im honestly not too sure what i want to do this week bc i think emma doesnt have a lot of people (although she has jake apparently,,,she might just be putting up a front of being unconnected ffs) so i would rather keep her around based on our relationship alone esp compared to nash whose been busy w/ irl things to reply i think (nash would prob do gr8 in old school bb,,,but new school is a whole other beast) HOWEVER!!! I need to protect gina who isn't the best conversationalist (sorry bb ily but its true <3) and keeping nash around ensures people have another "inact" target besides her but also nash is such a god connection for people like nathan and jacob and i would rather get her out sooner than later before we have another renee on our hands ...

Also i havent talked to the pasio peeps (omg if we ever make an alliance,,,that should be the name hehe) in a while and idk if theyre distancing themselves or if theyre just busy fndsjafd god im too paranoid for this game its awful. Also i think i mentioned the alliance with josh kiki bri jake jacob last time and it still isnt made and im PRAYINGGG it never gets made bc i have SUCH an awful feeling like SIX FUCKING PEOPLE??? S I X?? THAT IS GOING TO FAIL AND BLOW UP!!!! but i cant say no to an alliance so here i fucking am :/ also im trying to think of my longevity in this game and like,,, idk im nervous. I mean ive mentioned going to the end with multiple people but i have such a bad feeling im gonna go out 9/10 as a big move and i REFUSE to let that shit happen, not on my fucking watch no sir!! Not sure what to do about it yet but i feel like monty in particular doesnt trust me and i need his ass OUT! or maybe not if he comes around but like??? sir pls talk to me- i mean this phase of the game is early im setting up the pawns for later, but before later theres gonna be a couple explosions of my game which i'll have to deal with,,, or maybe not actually i mean in my first org i did a really well mastermind game with it- nvm it did explode on me once FDBSHFDS yeah so theres gonna be an explosion period but i think im getting good at dealing w/ the backlash from it and reintegrating myself..

oh also yeah im safe this week lol

anyway sorry for rambling so much LMAO have a trust ranking!

1.Gina (MY QUEEN!!!!!!!! i LOVE her!)

-BIG BIG FUCKING GAP-

2.Jake (listen,,,my thoughts go back and forth but he did tell me the noms so,,,have some rights)

3.Saira (we never talk game but i dont think she talks with anyone about game beyond maybe nick and also shes nice and im a sucker for nice girls)

4.Emma (if this isnt all just a front shes gonna make a great number for me,, might need to fact check some of her statements tho)

5.Joshua (honestly? i love him hes so funny and i think he has my back although he could be more act)

6.Nathan (literally havent talked in 3 days but also i have a soft spot for him <3)

-GAP-

sorry the Js are just kinda scary lmao JFNSDKF

7.Nick (!! we gotta an actual connection folks!! heck yeah!)

8.Josh c (im safe! but he D E F trusts others more than me such as Joshua and Jacob)

9.Jev (honestly a king but hes a little quiet although his reccs are the BOMB)

10.Jacob (i know youre being sneaky,,,idk what youre being sneaky with but im getting the vibes)

11.Dem (might be weird but i think he trusts me? at least a little bc he ranted about losing to me so O.0)

12.Brianna (youre adorable and deserve the world but everyone likes you,,,is this how people view me omg fhsabfhds)

13.Kiki (youre SO hecking sweet and actually u probs have a connections to nash but we havent talked ANY game yet)

14.Nash (p,,p-please talk to me uwu)

15.Joey (i dont trust you at ALL! Why? good question-)

was that mean? sorry in advance ilyall but also its 3 am brain empty no filter

NASH

i think jev and nathan might end up being good allies of mine (inb4 betrayal)! despite the mistake he made nomming me, talking to jev has been lovely so far he's getting me into loona LMFAO. and i just love nathan's energy & i feel like as the season goes on i can see him winning comps. i'm excited :3 hope josh c does not end my existence this week

JOEY

I feel FANTASTIC about Josh being HoH. I’m making sure that others are coming to me about gameplans, and I’m making sure I don’t come off as too pushy or aggressive in PMs. With most of the players, I’m trying to give them all the same energy and hype. It seems kinda weird to say this, but I’m not concerned about being nominated at this point. What I need to ensure is building my social relationships with people outside the “Crackhouse”, and yes that big ol friend group moved to Discord in 20 minutes like 6 months ago. 

This is the first major game I’ve ever played with Skinny Nick(yes, I’m absolutely confused as to what to call them, I’m so used to calling Nick “Eve” that its going to take time to adjust.) Speaking of Nick, my social relationship with him is actually surprisingly similar. In the past, I felt as though it would be as “on-sight” as Tom & Jerry, and it actually isn’t turning out that way, which is surprisingly refreshing. Every day, I’m making sure I send Nick something different to diversify my social game with them. Yesterday, I asked Nick about his preferred streaming services for music and TV, and I discovered we have the same music service(Apple Music).

I’ve played one game with Monty before, but it was a disaster. We were in pairs, and it felt like we were on different planets. I did tell him to not worry about personal feelings when it comes to this game, because I compared the relationship of BB Netflix and the Crackhouse to the separation of church and state. I made that comparison because the two entities of church and state should never cross, but when they do it becomes disastrous, and I feel as though that same principle applies to this game.

Overall, I feel good, Emma may be going up on the block, but it shouldn’t affect me that much. We’re in the early stage, I want to make sure I’m good with everyone.

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFeox7LM1-E

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkZ-BIIjTU

HOUSE MEETING

https://youtu.be/BZMorvWvyKY

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT WEEK 1 & 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc-iMpkfrdw&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=3&t=0s

[cow1sequester]

EPISODE 3 - “Truly and honestly everyone’s strategies this round is making no sense” - Owen

TWIST: Moral Dilemma (Fewest Votes)

ELIMINATED: Adam (Battle Match) // Austin (Battle Match) // Christian (Wheel of Misfortune)

JARED

I love Raul, if he won I would be happy

OWEN

Okay I’m sorry it’s been a hot minute but here are my thoughts on the first two rounds of the game: First of all WHAOOOOOOOH this cast is STACKED!!! I was pleasantly surprised to see Will and Autumn again. Love my boy Jared. Love Juls, Isaac, Ryan, IAN!!!! Beck and Blake legends.... But then there are also quite a few I’ve never played with before that seemed cool hehe so I’m hype! This first round I focused a lot on connections and Jared and I got together and dreamed up a bomb ass alliance of me, him, Jarod, Autumn, Juls and Isaac. Genuinely love talking to and playing with all five of them so I am hopeful that we all go far. But I did spend some time with other connections as well. I LOVE Christian, he told me he wasn’t the best at typing so I added him on WhatsApp and he sends me voice memos all the time hahaha if my alliance is the brigade then he is the Britney to my Lane <3 love him. Raul is awesome as well. Nash legend. Ian and Will I knew before but haven’t played with in FOREVER which has been fun to catch up with. Will was first in the chain reaction thing and was thinking of giving to Ian and I was like Ian is gonna hold a grudge if u do that why not pick Nik instead !!!! Lmao. It all worked out cause I was safe and the alliance got their way <3 I haven’t really looked for LOS at all I guess I’m waiting for more clues :( I would love to have one but it seems like endless possibilities rn. ////// split here Round two is where shit got interesting because we got split into two groups and suddenly everyone I’m working with was in my house..... 5/9 of us were part of the alliance which was great, but then the other four were Christian my love, Ian and Will my other loves, and Austin.... so right away I tried pushing Austin’s name and even saying I didn’t care if he tries battling me but nobody else on my team had talked to Will at all. Which I was in hindsight fine with doing will bc he hadn’t been around and he wouldn’t choose to battle me :) So I told Christian he needed to be super social and that he should talk to the Jarod’s and maybe to Will so that Will didn’t pick him lmao Then TWENTY MIN BEFORE VOTE WILL  DECIDED TO BE AN ABSOLUTE WHACKASS NUT AND TRY TO CARE ABOUT THE GAME AND FLIP !!!! So I acted like I was gonna help him flip it but as a contingency plan in case we couldn’t and it was him I told him that Austin was easy to beat in challenges xo The whole thing worked, will picked Austin and said he was told to but honestly if Austin comes back and knows I threw his name to will then whatever idc. I protected everyone this week and it feels good <3 except for will but at the end of the day when I’m aligned with 7/8 other people, one of them is going to have to go into battle, and I’m glad it was him just bc he hadn’t been around :(

RAUL

Let's read some bitches: Akeylah - This girl is SKETCH.com I told her I was voting Nathan, she left me on read and like 15 minutes later Nathan came crying in my DMs for what happened in round 2. I didn't have great expectations about her, so I have my eyes on her. Autumn- She's a fuckin CAPRICORN. Sis werk. She was willing to vote Nathan  so that tells me she's willing to work with me some time. Beck- Boyfriend 2.0 His voice... TEA. But then he demonstrated that he doesn't have my back as I would have had his when I told him about what Nathan's plan was. He seems like someone who I'm gonna have to cut on the long run. You can be all cute you want but I'll cut a bitch. Also he's a Scorpio... NEVER trust a Scorpio. Blake - I've working hard for him and I to work. I wish he was a bit older so I could flirt a bit, but him being 18 seems kinda weird. We had a "F2" deal day 1 cause of his introduction video but ain't nobody taking that serious. Christian - A Taurus. He seemed sketch, I def need to talk to him more, but he could be my Tommy and carry him until I can't no more. Speaking Spanish is def a bond he won't have with anyone else. Ian - There's something about him that I want to trust but something tells me he's SKETCH. He's someone I need to read better. Isaac - I do not enjoy him, his humor is like NOT funny and people laugh at what he says? I don't get it. I'd be over the moon to sent his ass home but he seems like someone with some power with some people so it needs to be something done carefully. Jared - Now this is MY baby. I literally love him already. Aquarius king. He's a sadboi, musician, like bitch is really tryna make me fall or something. For some weird reason I trust him too much so I should be careful but for some reason I feel like he should fuck me up. Jarod - Now this is SURPRISE, I've really enjoyed talking to this Aquarius. Are Aquarius my new Sags? For some reason I really enjoy him, also he has all the cast eating his palm so I'm not even gonna try to take him out, unless someone is like "we have the numbers, let's take this bitch out", cause I might trust him but I ain't dumb. Juls - Is she inactive? Nobody has ever mentioned her name for the bad or the good. She made me vulnerable Round 1 and since she hasn't talked to me, she knows what's up I guess cause I'm not forgetting sweetie. Nathan - The snake of the season. I even forgot his horoscope, maybe Leo? He's not dumb, we're probably gonna gun for each other at some point. Fake bitch. Owen - Boyfriend 3.0 This is the flirt that goes the most both ways. I enjoy him, also I think he was a lot of power so bitch I want a ride to jury at least. Also another Capricorn so I have to like him. Patrick - He seems kinda dumb and not a good strategic player but good at challenges, this bitch needs to be gone before he gets more chances at battle thingys. Ryan - He's not the best player obviously so his a great ally, I had Adam therefore I had him but now I have to work for him to like me and want to take me somewhat far also. Will - This bitch is LOST lmao. He's picture screams 4.0 GPA the bitch is scary. I wouldn't mind having him as an ally in a BB but here being a comp beast doesn't seem to work in my favour at all.

JARED

JARED

JARED

going to call with juls tonight, i'm considering letting her know i have the los if i feel confident enough that she won't tell anyone then i might try and call with beck afterwards but I'm not sure yet ideally i can maneuver through the game without much trouble and then use the los in an effective way, while keeping bigger targets around me, that is why this alliance is so good for me

OWEN

Truly and honestly Everyone’s strategy for this round is making no sense to me. I don’t get why people would self vote. You’re literally guaranteeing yourself to have at least 1 vote instead of 0?????? I can see self voting if you KNEW for a fact someone else was voting for you and giving you two. But if a bunch of people self vote....??? Let’s say 11 people self vote and 5 vote for one of those 11. That still means six of those 11 who self voted have the lowest. I really don’t understand why jared thinks that’s a smart idea but whatever. I think my alliance of six should split our votes on six of those ten people. That way it makes a bigger chances some of us get 0 votes because I doubt all ten of those are gonna throw a vote on some of us especially with all this self vote talk. I really really don’t get why that isn’t clear to everyone but whatever. I don’t wanna be too pushy but literally no one but jared is contributing to strategy and I don’t like his plan lmao. If he wants to self vote he can go ahead but I genuinely hope no one else votes for him And he gets himself sent in to the revote lmao

ADAM’S EXIT INTERVIEW

CHRISTIAN’S EXIT INTERVIEW

[chimericarchitect]

((Terrible and Saness discuss the recent trouble she’s been having with her guardian and possible solutions to those problems. There are a few trigger warnings for this chat, including head stuff, manipulation, mind control, amnesia, suicide (sorta), and death in general.))

flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 11:23 AM FO: chirp? Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 11:24 AM SP: Sorry, I was distracted by a musical interlude. SP: I was gonna ask "what do you want to know" but you'd probably have a hard time forming specific questions without something to base it on. SP: So, uh, you wanted to know why that strategy was the strategy I've got going. I'm not actually set on it because I don't like it as a plan, but I will probe my options before taking action y'know? Even the ones that suck. SP: Anyway, Anista is a golem or something. SP: And it sucks. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 11:30 AM FO: totally, checking out your options is the smart thing even if some of the options are horrible bullshit.  you wont know exactly how bad an idea they are if you dont check FO: i usually bring up the worst idea first when im tryin to solve my own problems, just so i can cross it off the list... FO: that does suck.  i could tell there was something going on in her, but ive got no idea whats in there. FO: was she always a golem? Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 11:34 AM SP: I think so. I'm guessing a little bit on that part. Context says probably, because I did a thing and almost got wiped so she got replaced with a Brand New Anista Golem that functioned like she used to, meaning that she's acting like a full person again instead of a zombie. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 11:53 AM FO: uh, yikes FO: you okay there? FO: and who or what replaced her? Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 11:55 AM SP: I'm... uh, yeah. SP: It's just a thing. SP: As for the who/what in charge of replacing her, I'm not quite sure. They're a lot bigger than me, but I'm not willing to say "horrorterror" without evidence. I'm not experienced enough to tell. So, for now, it remains a mystery. SP: If you meant "what is she now" then the answer is "a seemingly normal troll who is constantly keeping tabs on me and probably ready to dropkick my pan at the slightest provocation." flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:01 PM FO: misc eldritch thing #1 it is FO: yikes, thats p shitty FO: if i ever catch you acting different, do you want to give preemptive permission for me to sneak over and try to return you to this state? FO: or like, to come check and make sure any changes are Legit Things You Wanted And Are Fine With Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 12:03 PM SP: That would be pretty great, if you don't mind. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:04 PM FO: fuckin anytime, dude, ill set myself a timer to peek at your blog once a week.  make sure to delete the logs of this convo in case she peeks at your computer FO: okay so, something happened, and she wound down enough that she stopped working.  but then something else happened, and now shes back. FO: is she winding down again, or is she going to stay at full capacity? FO: did the thing that put her together like this get distracted and wander off forever, or did it wander off and then come back? Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 12:10 PM SP: There is no evidence suggesting that she is in a state of decline, presently. She was fine and seemingly normal for the entirety of three sweeps before she turned into the zombie fake-o person. My current hypothesis is that she... wears out? Like a timer, or an old battery or something. SP: The thing that did this obviously isn't hanging out 24/7 or I probably wouldn't be me already. I think Anista-Golem is like a watchdog or something for whatever-the-fuck eldritch doodad the first. SP: A lot of that is gonna be speculation; I don't know much about the big guy. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:14 PM FO: yeeahh...(edited) FO: yeah you need out of there dude FO: and you need out of there in a way that they wont notice FO: so i can see why the death thing is a thing FO: i wish id known about this while you were still seery, then i coulda asked some questions an gotten pokey about a lotta fuckin FO: theres a lotta unknowns here and a lotta things that Could branch how this goes If they are true FO: ... shit is p whack, friend.  anythin i can do to help i will Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 12:18 PM SP: Thanks, Terrible. I really do appreciate it. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:22 PM FO: this one time my life sucked total ass, and someone was nice to me at exactly the right time.  and i decided that maybe being nice to people wasnt stupid, and that it was nice that there were people like that around.  so i decided to be someone like that. FO: this shit is exactly why. Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 12:23 PM SP: It's a good attitude, in my opinion. I prefer to help people when I can. SP: Before I go on about my plan to get out of here, there's a bit more to this yet, of the things I know. SP: One of the reasons I trust my death-note-suggestion from the future-past is because, like I said, I almost got wiped. SP: If I hadn't been all godly when it happened, it might've worked. Probably would have. SP: Anyway SP: I was getting erased, or blocked, or something (gross and weird) because I was messing with a mind wall (maybe?) and I got caught. SP: So maybe I need to disconnect from whatever I'm tethered to. SP: It's what I'm guessing, anyway. I'd prefer not to do the dying thing, obviously. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:24 PM FO: B( FO: yeah, obvs. FO: im guessin you respawned once, but also dont remember parts of the anon? FO: is there other stuff that feels not solid? FO: the healer chick would need a small piece a you but hair or blood would probably do it, and she could rez you from a distance on command after that.  shed just need to know when Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 12:41 PM SP: Most of the not-solid is from my memories. I don't remember a lot of stuff, it seems. Other stuff has to do with Anista and the generator. SP: Oh wait. SP: The generator. That's an okay idea. In tandem, not separately. SP: I'd need to put Anista out of commission for a bit though. Hm. SP: Can you tell me a little about the healer lady? I trust you, but I've never spoken to her I don't think. Is she a God Tier as well? flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 12:43 PM FO: yeah.  shes a meenah, Meenah Peixes FO: long story short she lives in sparks's universe, and she's kinda low key and staying out of the spotlight.  does a lotta bakin, some healin for pay. FO: shes kinda mercenary but i think she cares about dudes once they catch her interest, which most dont FO: the universe shes in has legal limes, crimsons, and wings, and no caste system, so theres no problems on the mutant front FO: i could vouch to be there and supervise 100% of the rez process if you trust me enough for that an itd help any Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 1:00 PM SP: I don't know if that will help any, but I appreciate the offer and I'll keep it in mind. SP: I considered whether or not, as a Prince of Mind, you'd be able to bust shit up so I could skip the not-being-alive part, but that seems less likely to work and more likely to get you smooshed by the eldritch fucko. SP: Besides this stuff, I'm trying to convince a pal of mine to go off-world with me before they fuck up and start a sgrub session. SP: None of my timeframes are defined, so it all feels kinda like it has to be done immediately. Am I gonna get wiped? Is my friend gonna blow up this Alternia? I don't know what's happening first. SP: I think I'm rambling now, sorry. SP: More useful thing, practical type. Do you know the charging rates on resurrection? SP: Which is a funny sentence, by the way. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 1:04 PM FO: fightin an eldritch fucko would be a heck of a fight, but its one id give a go.  ive done it before, ive pulled that kinda shit outta dudes heads.  theres a big variance on how big an individual eldritch fucko happens to be though, so its a thing to take super fuckin seriously before blunderin straight into FO: if anybody could cut a mind connection, id probably be able to though FO: ramblin makes sense, and bein in a hurry makes sense too.  why is your friend on the verge of startin a sgrub session?  do they like, know not to? -- flippinOptimist began sending file : meenahsfliersarefuckinweird.pdf --  (( a 2-page document, where the first is a classy menu for baked goods with a catering section at the bottom, and the second is a matching menu for healing by injury type with a 'special requests on case by case basis' section at the bottom.  It lists reviving as a special request. )) FO: i think she bases it partly on what a dude can scrape together, but idk FO: theres a chance sparks might be willin to help (or meddle) for free, but hes got an M!A rn thats fuckin up his ability to do things Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 1:17 PM [ sanessPsuede downloaded meenahsfliersarefuckinweird.pdf ] SP: Oh hey, great, thanks. SP: I don't know how close she is to starting one, because she's not answering any of my messages. SP: I'll probably have to hunt her down in person. I figure she can't start a game if I get her out of the zone for a bit. SP: Maybe delay the inevitable. SP: Fex is a cool dude. You and he have some stuff in common there. SP: I haven't been able to tell my friend not to yet, obviously. I don't think she took it seriously when I told her about it before. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 1:23 PM FO: good luck delayin it, an talkin your friend outta it FO: sgrub is somethin you can make the best outta, f you get stuck in it, but uh FO: a lot of it sucks real bad Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 1:27 PM SP: It's probably more efficient SP: to see if dying works SP: rather than engaging in a risky conflict unprepared SP: Side note! SP: Thoughts on how to break a mental connection to a thing that is not a person? SP: Like the Anista puppet or a wall. SP: If there's not a mind, can there even be a link? flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 1:41 PM FO: efficient isnt really a good word when somebodys life is on the line, and id still risk it.  its more about whats most likely to work i think. FO: i think worrying about whether or not something is a person is more of a soul / heart thing FO: if it has a mind, thats close enough FO: theres plenty of bugs that are too simple for me to be able to get a read on FO: and a couple a computer programs that are almost something enough, that i cant quite reach FO: but i peeked at her and saw that she existed and that there was stuff, if i was careful enough i might be able to unplug somethin FO: i think info processing and the ability to choose between outcomes is the big thing.  ideally in some kind of.. complex..ish way, naut just a simple if statement Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 2:07 PM SP: What about a literal wall? Something completely mindless. Could something eldritch-y make a connection to it? flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 2:11 PM FO: never seen one!  one way to find out though B) Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 2:22 PM SP: :D SP: Okay, I'm gonna see about getting in touch with Meenah. No point waiting around. SP: It's efficient, and probably more effective. SP: I'm not inclined to gamble with more than my own neck if I can avoid it. SP: Risk to result ratio says dying is the way to live SP: while causing the least amount of harm, probably flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 2:25 PM FO: if youre sure dude FO: for what its worth, if you go into a death knowin its comin and bein okay w knowin youre (probably) comin out the other side, its naut as aaaaaaaaAAAAa as it is when its a surprise and also a big upsetting disruption FO: its still kinda A Fuckin Thing, but FO: its possible to get over it, more n most ways of death comin by Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 2:29 PM SP: Okay, I'm not really sure, but the alternative worries me a lot and putting other people at risk jangles my moral compass pretty hard flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 2:30 PM FO: man, if you ever godtier, you're definitely gonna run into problems w the heroic thing Saness (sanesspsuede) - Today at 2:35 PM SP: Just means I'd be a normal dude with super powers. One life, one death. Seems fair. SP: And sucky. SP: No thank you, Sgrub. flippinOptimist[WIR] - Today at 2:43 PM FO: yeah, p much.

[anything-advice-blog]

Submission - is it possible to not be lonely? MSC

hi, please keep me anonymous, thank you.

i’m not sure if this blog is relevant to my question, but i have been going through your advice and i feel like you’d be able to help me. :^)

i am 17, unemployed, and currently in driving school. i recently graduated from hs, which is a life accomplishment (not as big as graduating from college but still), but i was homeschooled. so there really wasn’t a celebration. the best high school year i had was my freshman year, which i was not homeschooled yet, but after that a whole buncha things happened. the trauma was so bad that i couldn’t leave my house. after the trauma that occured, i moved to another place to work and i also decided that i wanted to go back to school. so the last 2 years of my highschool i spent homeschooled. the job i took allowed me to really break out of my shell that formed after that traumatic incident, and i made a lot of friends along the way & made new memories. but it wasn’t a job that would last so i decided that i would move to the states after finishing up with my job. i moved with my mom to her best friend’s place with her family and finished highschool within that month. my mom was finally able to get a job, which was the aim. but our living conditions are also shitty bc her best friend… isn’t really a good friend. my mom has also changed a bit. she has become a little bit more bitter and i noticed that her faith in god isn’t as strong. i am not religious myself but i noticed that her faith was what gave her strength and allowed her to be level-headed. but she has adapted to the people here and has become like them. except, she is angry and bitter towards her best friend. i don’t know how to help her get back to faith. so rn i live with about 7 other people. they are toxic to live with. every morning i gotta ask myself, do i act like this or like this to suit the environment? there is constant yelling and abuse, and no support whatsoever. so even if i live with so many people, i feel lonely. they are not what i consider friends. the only good thing about moving here, and something that topples all the cons is that my boyfriend & i were able to close the distance. sorta. i still live about an hour away from him and he works so i see him like twice/three times a week. he is a good man. he and i have been planning our future together when i am able to move out (he just turned 22 so he’s kinda settled) and live with him. but i am so antsy. and i feel like time is so slow when i am not with him. he is the only one i really talk to everyday except for my best friends who live miles away. however, i don’t rely on him 100%. which is why i try to make new friends. i said that i was in driving school with 3 other people. we get along okay, but my anxiety and doubt tells me that i am acting too weird or maybe too excited to meet new people. i want to be able to make new friends without overthinking, but… maybe i am not used to it anymore. the memories of the trauma have been coming back to me too. i thought that i was over it, but for some reason, it came back. i don’t know what to do. i know i need therapy or maybe medication, but i don’t have insurance. i don’t know where i can make new friends, offline & online. i don’t know how i coped with being alone, but for some reason i can’t do that anymore. i think it is added because i strongly want to like the people i am living with, but it’s so hard… do you have any tips, or anything, maybe? i know i said that i don’t rely on my bf 100%, but in truth, he doesn’t know that he is my reason for living. thank you..

💖msc

Hey lovely, 

From what you’ve told me, I think you are doing wonderful. You’re doing what you can do make the best of the situation and that’s honestly the best thing anyone can ask from you. I understand that the crowd doesn't necessarily remove the feeling of being alone inside your heart or your head because there’s no connection. Just because you’re sitting next to someone doesn’t mean you feel connected with them and I think that’s the key to not feeling lonely even though you may be alone in the room. It’s that feeling of connection and togetherness in an intangible manner. 

What I think may help is for you to try find yourself. Explore the things that you enjoy beyond what you’re already doing. Learn a new language. Take on a new hobby. When you start to connect with yourself, it starts to feel less lonely because no matter where you are and no matter what happens, you’re going always going to be there, you know? So learning to understand yourself, learning to better yourself, learning to expand yourself, those are all things that you can do without other people and while you’re doing it you’ll meet more people and create more connections. It’ll jump start a whole spiderweb of things and before you know it you’re not only discovering new things about yourself but you’re also meeting new people and making new friends whom may be the ones you keep forever. 

Have you talked to your mother about the current condition and how she’s changed? It’s hard to not become more bitter and aggressive when you’re surrounded by that kind of energy every day. We learn to adapt to the environment we’re in in order to survive. But I think if you can talk to your mother about possibly moving somewhere else where the environment is better it may give you guys the freedom you need to start getting better. It’ll hard and chances are you’ll be financially unstable for a little bit but if you guys think that it can work, I think it may be a good idea to. It won’t allow you to receive treatment right away but it’ll lessen the stress and triggers in your immediate surrounding that’ll allow you to at least start on some self care techniques. 

If this is not possible, perhaps you can try to lessen your time at home. You can take on more jobs, take new classes offered in the community, volunteer your time, etc. Spend it in ways that you enjoy but also keeps you out of the house. Please, if there is physical abuse or sexual abuse towards you or others in the home, contact for help immediately. I know it’s not favourable but put your safety and the safety of those around you first. 

Learn to lean on your friends and your boyfriend. Talk to them about your struggles and allow them to comfort you or offer their help. They may not be able to make all your troubles go away but there’s magic in being able to talk to someone honestly and just have someone the better - physically or spiritually. It makes you feel less lonely and it just makes it seem more bearable to do things like live in a harsh environment. My mom said that even though we were poor in Vietnam we were happy because we had each other. Everyone knew each other and everyone leaned on each other to take care of their homes and their children. In America, we’re each to ourselves and it just feels more lonely even though we’re constantly surrounded by people. So lean on them. Talk to them. They may not be therapists or doctors, but they can offer you some healing as well. 

Finally, I would suggest that you look into your community. Free counselling is often offered at the local healthy department or a lot of times local universities will offer it. Some graduate students will need the hours and a lot of times they’ll allow them to take on patients from the community. I don’t know about the place you’re living in but it’s worth a shot. There are also low cost counselling as well if you look around. It may not be affordable enough for you to see them once a week but if you can gather some funds to afford one session a month, I think that can also be helpful. Depending on your condition, a lot of times primary care doctors can prescribe medicine for as well. Anxiety typically don’t require extensive screening if you can talk to your doctor, they can prescribe some anti-anxiety medications to help. 

Look into various relaxation techniques as well. Yoga, swimming, exercising, meditating, etc. Whatever helps calm you, look into that. Relieving your daily stress is the first step to self care and it can also be a healthier outlet for when you feel triggered as opposed to harming yourself. 

Keep doing your best, okay? You’re doing wonderful so far and I admire the fact that you’re fighting to make the best out of the worst. So please, don’t give up. 

Always by your side,

Kelly

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

01-29-20

I used to have dreams from 2014 to at the latest 2017. And in the dreams, I was homeless for the first time again. But I retained all the knowledge of what happened irl. So I was basically just doing the same shit but slightly different. Idk how to explain it. And I'm sure it was just my brain trying to process it all. But lately I've had dreams where I move to a new apartment and fuck it up somehow.

Anyway, in the dreams about homelessness, I am usually walking around. And I sometimes still have dreams that are similar but the layout of Evansville is different. It's pretty similar but it's ever so slightly off. Like the bus station is on the other side of the Lloyd from Willard library kinda in the dreams. And there are like these perfect, cookie cutter identical blocks next to it and the library is at the end of those blocks. And a McDonald's right next to it.

And once during one of those dreams, I was on a bike and went across the Kentucky bridge. Which was my route to indy for whatever reason. And the bridge had like a huge gap. And you were supposed to build speed and jump it. Which I have those dreams often enough. They've been a thing ever since I first played GTA 3: Liberty City (not liberty city stories, the one for the PS2.) And enabled the hover in cars cheat. I'd use it to get past bridges I technically wasn't supposed to and just screw around. So the use was limited though so you had to like fall a little and glide and repeat that until you got to the other end of the bridge. And had to use a specific car. And this was in GTA early days where you just instantly died if you touched water at all. So it was a weird thing to do. And kinda risky.

So ever since then I've had dreams like that. But usually I was with someone in a car or driving myself. And this time I was on a bike. And like... Every single time that bridge is fucking terrifying. But that one with the bike scared the piss outta me. I was so sure I wouldn't make it. But they had lanes and once you got in, it was physically impossible to get out. So I was up next and my god I was terrified. I tried. And actually made it somehow. But just barely. And like... Continued on to indy. Where for some reason, I was just there for like the next four hours and then went back home?? Idk how I biked to indy and back in one day lmao. But I did but decided to just go across the river on the way back instead of using the bridge.

Also there's this one bit of a dream where I was in Tunica, MS with someone. And it kept changing who I was with. Eren, Kirt, Jeff, grover. And at one point Sara for whatever reason. But that was very brief and I remember thinking it was weird in the dream since I've never been in a car with her ever. And there's this turnoff into I think a cheap hotel. And we(whoever it is at that point) go there to get a room and the dream either ends (this dream has also happened more than once.) But then we have to leave almost immediately and I don't know why.

I'm remembering a bunch of dreams rn forgive me.

One where I'm in Jasper and there's a weirdly huge shopping center that all my dad's family understands how it works but I don't. That one happened in 2009ish.

There was one from when I was in high school that has happened several times since high school. I go to the mall. Somehow getting there on my own because the dream is always me in high school. And I get pulled into some shenanigans. Once it was fall fest instead of the mall.

In one version, I just shopped at a bunch of places like Spencer's and hot topic.

In another version, I got pulled into this... Like... Carnival ride? Except they were literally trying to kill you. But I only did it because you could get into this weird underage nightclub for free if you survived.

In another version, the fall fest one, I met a celebrity down there. But it wasn't a celebrity I gave a fuck about. And I don't even know why it was in the dream. I was just like "Um, okay?" And walked away.

Around the time my granny passed away, I had a dream that myself, my mom's family, my mom and my dad were all inside a... Like... Thrift mall? I think that's the word. Like a shoddy second hand shop that has way too much stuff and a fuck ton of space. And idk what we're looking for but we're having trouble finding it and we're in this section with a bunch of rolled up carpets and huge vases nobody in their right mind would buy.

There's infinite dreams of me shopping with my mother. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, target, you name it, I've dreamt it, probably more than once.

I just have these weird and varied dreams with recurring themes and I just... I feel like... In some way, that describes me as a person. Like one person through several different filters.

Dreams are so weird... My dreams.. are more vivid than real life. And idk how to explain that any differently. The colors POP more. I can notice every single detail at once. And there is excessive detail. And idk how to explain it. That doesn't make sense to me even as I type it but I know that's what is happening. It's like... there's more substance to my dreams than there is to real life. Nothing is quite as focused as real life is. There are just endless details that I take in all at once. Like I instantly perceive everything in a room. I don't need to analyze everything individually, the information is just automatically absorbed. And I think that's like... Because I've forced my brain to slow down. When I was a kid, I perceived things pretty similarly to how I do in dreams. And maybe that's just because I'm aware of more that needs my attention now than I was as a kid but I can't help but feel it's... Not quite right. That something is off. Something I can't quite recognize. Like I should be able to do what I used to do. But the truth is I stopped doing that for a reason. It wasn't a conscious decision but my need to observe things outside myself consistently fell away. My situation was hopeless. I couldn't escape. I was powerless. I was trapped. Nothing that I could see or hear or feel was gonna make any of it any better for me. So I just stopped noticing. I didn't pay attention. I stopped caring. I gave up. Because what in my entire childhood had led me to believe I had a chance? I felt there was no escape. And I was mostly right. If I had continued that way and never met Jessi, I probably would not have gotten out. I... Jessi was... She wasn't perfect and she had some very real flaws. She had a savior complex like real bad. But I am very grateful that I met her. Because otherwise, I'd be dead or still being a toxic mess in an abusive situation. I probably would have still been on TSA's board in 2018. I would have gone down with that ship. And that... That's the scariest thought to me. And it's only scary in a "Oh god wtf. What if that had happened?" Kinda way, but like... Idk. It's a tiny bit scary to think about. I was so wrapped up in trying to avoid being near my parents that I just... Nothing else seemed to matter. Then again, would things have gone down the way they had if I hadn't been there? I know other people gave a shit but... I know I was more of a driving force than people wanted to admit. I mean look at queer space right now. Practically completely inactive. I am much more integral to the process than people realize. But I think that's a mark of skill. I motivated people without them even realizing I had done much at all. I rallied the troops so to speak and I got people connected. I'm really good at that. And it just blows my mind that Sam and Max and Kit can think I had so little to do with that process.

[flockofdoves]

oh last post on this tangent bc its genuinely sooo stupid of me (ive like . regressed in the parasocial relationships i build with celebrities as a whole 20 year old i guess unfortunately. trying to be normal abt it) but in refeeding from ed stuff this month and getting more visibly chubby again and also for the first time of my life having a much better grasp on both political and personal topics relating to weight and eating and stuff like set point theory

like coincidentally mcr coming back this month too and being put into some conversations with people being fatphobic and stuff wrt gerards appearance now and ofc that isnt right regardless and already didnt sit right with me even last year when i heard similar bc hes been open he had trouble with addiction and was under a lot of mental strain during parts of mcrs career he seemed clearly in a better place now leave him alone etc etc. but also now that i better understand set point theory and stuff like . they were fat or at least somewhat chubby most of their life and finding out now during danger days era they literally had an eating disorder that makes me even more angry about how people talk about this stuff with concern trolling about “health” or whatever

but also on a really goofy personal level by having that be one of the first opportunities for me to articulate what i learned that helped me realize i had a problem externally its embarrassing but something thats helped me get beyond just . the intellectual aspect of knowing how i’m being affected by these wider systems and that its ridiculous to aspire to be thinner (interestingly thats not even where my patterns of disordered eating became a genuine consistent illness there were other things at play that i didnt even recognize what i was doing but i just mean. even after all this being like ‘aw i’d like to still look less chubby tho’) and to just constantly struggle with the way my body naturally is for the rest of my life in that never ending “goal” even if i’ve never externalized that in my expectations for others to being like . gerard way has been inspiration for me for a long time in a lot of ways but i’m just referring to fashion/aesthetics and if i think he looks cool in like. old bullets era photos or now then theres literally no reason i should be thinking i personally can’t convey the Look i want to look like without putting great strain on my body.

like obviously i know that doesn’t make sense i love/admire/find attractive/etc so many people of so many body types many of whom have had personal aesthetics in their fashion sense that i really admire (and no one has to care abt fashion but i just personally think about what i wear a lot and how that factors into how i’m perceived so feeling like i can be fashionable in the way i want to be in my body is something i get stuck on) but for some reason that didn’t budge internalized shit too much til now and i’m feeling kinda dumb about it but thats where i’m at ig

also just realized this doesnt even immediately connect to what i was talking about before but i. thought about it because my hair is kinda similar in length/texture to bullets era gerard rn and looking in the mirror today because of that for the first time i wasnt like ‘if only i didnt have that fat under my chin/jaw i’d look cool. this haircut is making it more noticeable’ bc tbh their jawline looks similar in photos

of course maybe thats not the most healthy way of going about body image stuff either and it is a bit weird for sure but ig. its a start?? idk!

[jiyongee-blog1]

wtf i miss this really cosy feeling? Its like a cosy wintery feeling :((( i feel shit. im not /bad/ im just not at all satisfied. I dont think anyone will ever like me as much as i like them. Im hving trouble connecting with anyone recently. Everyone feels so distant :( i kinda hv a crush now but ik its jst bc of attention. Ive made new friends but they all fit in well, even tho they r nerdy nd a bit weird. Am i below these people? How come they all hv relationships nd stuff? Am i really inferior to them?but it dsnt work like tht, does it. U cnt just put ppl on a rating scale of how cool they r or whatever. Everyone has different opinions. I probably feel so different bc i try nd seperate myself so much. I feel like i am truly alone in this world. I want tht cosy feeling. I want to be really happy. I hate my life right now. my family is shit. Im tired of my dad making everything about him. Im tired of having no personal space nd living in a tiny cramped house with two parents who hate each other. :( i need to get out more but i cant bc of stomach anxiety. So fucking tired of this life :( feels doomed. feels empty nd i miss being happy. i miss feeling close to people nd special to them. Why dont my friends want to be close with me? Why dont they want to see me? Im just a burden. I want to be needed. I want to be invited over to peoples houses nd i want ppl to post on their instagram how much they love me and how pretty i am. Im tired of being the clingy and desperate one.im so affectionate bc i want it in return. It hurts so much. I want someone to obsess over me. Why does everyone else complAin about people trying to flirt with them nd stuff. No one does that for me. Why? Am i that undesirable? Im starting to think i have a fundamental flaw as a human and just shouldnt b here at all. All i do is waste time on my computer. None of my hobbies r much fun. I cant concentrate. All i do is waste time. I wanna disappear today. I feel fake. I feel empty i feel shit :( i wish i was gone i feel bad. I dont hv the cosy winter feelinh. I just feel empty and cold. I want someone to hug me nd spend quality time with me. I wish i could make myself happy. I think im a slut. Theres so much id be but i dont hv the access to it. Id b a druggy nd an alcoholic nd a slut but i cnt do tht. If boys wanted to id let them i dont care. I want ppl to use my body. Plz just think im pretty and sexy. Thtd be good. Id love to show off about it. I got jealous bc people were talking about being catcalled. I dress like a slut nd i hardly get attention like tht. Really whats wrong with me? Maybe people cn read my thoughts. Maybe thts why. Im ugly on the inside. You cant fix that with makeup. i am so miserable all the time. Writing this down really makes me want to kill myself. i have lots of reasons really. Its 6.40 am nd rn i could just do it just do it. I wont. I hope my life will change. Oh fuck im just waiting again. i want somethibg big to happen. maybe one night ill die in my sleep. id love to die. i dnt want to kill myself. Id love to just die without knowing about it. just wake up dead. then itd all be done nd i wouldnt even kno. i hope ppl would remember me favourably.

[thelillykane]

I would love to hear your headcanons for Logan and Lillys relationship the early years. How did they start? How old? Did Lilly always cheat from the start? Was she ever in love with Logan as much as he was? Were they each others first? Thank you.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this! I wish I had a good, none trash reason, but. Also I’m not really answering this in like a fic format because I cannot accomplish that rn, but maybe some other time. 

How did they start? How old? 

Okay, so canon kind of fucks this up in terms of in 1x04 Veronica tells Logan “I was twelve when you moved here”, which would mean that Logan didn’t meet Lilly/Duncan/Veronica or any of them until he was eleven. But then in 1x22 (iirc) Logan says that him and Duncan have been best friends since they were five, which means he’s known Lilly since she was six/seven. So it gives two conflicted timelines, but, for my purposes I always merge the two together. Rich families like the Kanes and the Echolls can realistically afford to travel places and attend the same fancy clubs or whatever the fuck (it doesn’t ever state in canon where Logan lived before he moved to Neptune, but I’ve always assumed it was LA) so in my mind the two families and their kids established a pre-existing relationship, which is why they eventually chose to move to Neptune. ANYWAY ALL THAT ASIDE I’ve read some fanfiction where the author has Logan and Lilly largely not get along until they’re in junior high, which is when Logan says they start dating in 1x12. But I think that’s bullshit. In what world would Logan Echolls meet Lilly Kane and not immediately love her? (also I mean just fucking LOOK at him when he’s watching the home videos of her in 1x04 like..he knew that girl he loved that girl, even then) 

So, in my mind, although Logan obviously bonds with Duncan and first, he always has a tangible connection with Lilly starting from when they first meet, which surprises Duncan because Lilly usually has no patience for his other friends. But Logan admires how reckless she is, even when she knows it’ll get her in massive amounts of trouble. And Logan has grown up so scared and so cautious because any little thing will set his Dad off and he feels essentially claustrophobic all the time and Lilly (and Duncan) helps him feel safe or some shit and he feels like he’s actually living or whatever when she’s with him and he thinks her parents – her Dad, mostly – are so cool and he essentially hero worships her for the first few years until he’s like eight. Lilly, for her part, likes Logan because he’s funny and seems to /get/ her like he’s unimpressed with some of her admittedly attention seeking childhood stunts, but he also doesn’t think she’s lame because she secretly likes the piano lessons her mother forces her into and the singing competitions she enrolls in. And they both understand what it’s like to have parents that make if feel a little like they’re suffocating all the time or like they’re not good enough somehow, even though they’re literally only kids. (Logan doesn’t tell her about his abuse but it’s just the general vibe). I do headcanon though that they both pretend to be wholly unimpressed whenever the other does something or says something, which drives Duncan crazy because he knows they’re friends and they communicate in like their own secret language half the time. (In the early years a lot of their activities are based off of driving Duncan crazy they love it) 

ROMANTICALLY, I think growing up they could kind of sense the other was going to be attractive and thought they were cute or whatever, but it definitely isn’t until they’re in middle school– Lilly’s in seventh grade and Logan’s in sixth (so like 13 ish and 12 ish) – and Logan basically lives at the Kane house with Duncan that they start to take notice and they’re like, oh, shit. 

They’re totally obvious about it and 0% discreet too, so for the first few weeks there’s a lot of blatantly checking each other and making suggestive comments that really aren’t suggestive at all (they’ve always flirted but never like this. they make an olympic sport of this) but they’re quickly dissatisfied with just talking and theorizing so they decide ON THE STRICT BASIS THAT NEITHER DUNCAN NOR VERONICA FINDS OUT that they’ll start making out to see if they’re any good at it. essentially, their thinking is that they might as well start practicing like really practicing (because they’ve both kissed before like little pecks and closed mouth shit that doesn’t count) with someone they’re already comfortable with and they can try out different strategies and techniques and shit with each other and see what works and what turns them on and what doesn’t. 

during this time frame they’re also constantly planning games of truth and dare or spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven with the 09ers, so they can scope out any competition (they both want to be The Best in the field and they will be) and any potential future make out partners. these parties essentially turn into really elaborate “Logan and Lilly mock everybody secretly behind their backs” sessions and they realize kind of with alarm that they don’t like making out with anybody as much as they like making out with each other but they’re both kinda ?? about that so they don’t say anything they just keep making out and keep hosting unchaperoned make out events and eventually their make outs escalate to second base which escalates to third base (for Lilly anyway, Logan’s got great fingers and she’s human with eyes and he wanted to make sure he was good at that anyway. it worked out for her so much) and then they’re both drinking slushies spiked with some of his mom’s liquor and they’re watching charmed in the background (it’s a rerun, otherwise it would have their full undivided attention) and they’re really close to each other on the couch for no good reason and she keeps playing with his hair and he’s massaging her feet because they’re in his lap and why not and they just kind of look at each other after a bit of this and blurt at the same time: “We’re dating.” 

Were they each others first? 

Yes. They did it the summer before she started high school because they were stupidly worried about going to separate schools, even though up until the ages of 11 & 13 they used to go days or weeks or months without seeing each other. And, again, Logan essentially lived at the Kane residence, but it was still weird and they wanted to be close to each other and have something special between them. They manage to keep it a secret – even though Duncan probably knows or suspects at least – all summer and it isn’t until a few weeks before Halloween that Veronica finds out they’re sleeping together and almost loses her mind because she thinks they’re too young. 

Lilly, for her part, never planned on losing her virginity to Logan. She knew that they were in love and that age be damned they were close to taking that step, but despite being in love with him, she knew she wasn’t ready to only be with one person for the rest of her life and she knew that Logan was her one person, no matter what anyone said or thought of their relationship. So she was trying to a fabricate a scenario in which she could have sex with another person first, so it would mean less when she had it with him, but she couldn’t actually bring herself to go through with it. 

Did Lilly always cheat from the start? 

Well. I hate this particular question but.

No. In the beginning, even after they declared themselves dating, Logan and Lilly had a quasi-open relationship. Essentially, they continued to throw and participate in games with their friends that were designed for sexual activity, including kissing and going much, much further. This was designed so they could continue to not feel trapped in their relationship (which both of them were afraid of based off of their parents marriages) and because quite frankly because they got a real kick out of watching people like Pam and Kimmy and Duncan try and tongue people. (also, listen, my kids are bi but in the closet so this was a great non-obvious environment for them in which they got to freely kiss – and more! – the same sex and have ppl not think it was suspicious) 

Gradually, as they keep falling more in love, Lilly runs into a bit of a dilemma. She loves Logan and she knows in the future she’ll marry him and eventually convince him to have children but she’s fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen and she wants to live too. Also, Logan begins to cares less about kissing or whatever with other people unless she really pushes for it (he no longer considers it that much fun) and while he still flirts with every one that moves it’s not the same, he’s ready for them to settle and move into this next stage and she’s not. And she’ll admit that she feels….obscenely jealous every time another girl looks at Logan or Logan smiles at any person that isn’t her for any reason whatsoever and she hates feeling that way because they’re young damnit she refuses to believe they have to be tied down and super committed anyway. She starts cheating, slowly, crossing-the-line flirting with people, she makes out with the tour guide in Venice when her family vacations there, she lets some boy mail her nude photographs and the thing is, she shares all of this with Logan. tells him the stories in detail and they look at the photos she gets mailed together and he has almost no reaction?? which is weird because she’s seen him tense like she’s tensing and she knows he’s feeling equally jealous and crazed like she is but on the surface he seems unphased and unbothered, which isn’t working for her. 

She sleeps with Weevil – she’s always seen him eyeing her – when her and Logan are broken up. It’s one of their shortest break ups ever, resolving itself within a couple of hours, but for some reason she doesn’t come clean about what she did. It, technically, wasn’t cheating, so he has no real right to know but that night she feels different and she’s convinced Logan is looking at her different but she doesn’t totally hate how powerful it makes her feel. The second, third, fourth, sixteenth time she sleeps with Weevil it’s behind Logan’s back. Logan knows (and Duncan knows, weirdly) but he doesn’t call her out on anything. 

When her and Logan break up next she’s been sleeping with Weevil pretty steadily for months – and Weevil makes her feel like she can walk on water, the fact that she has the leader of the biker gang so pathetic he tries to read her poetry. (she doesn’t like that side of him though, she only wants the fast paced rush that comes with fucking the leader of a gang who’s grandma cleans her boyfriends counters) – and it’s their first break up in a while that makes her feel like the world is ending. They break up on his terms (unrelated to any cheating suspicions though) and she goes home and sobs when it’s over which is unlike her because boys do not make Lilly Kane cry. For a solid month he doesn’t even speak to her, or Duncan, and barely to Dorkus, and the first time he does have a conversation with her she turns around and ends things ASAP with Weevil (which ends up being way harder than it should’ve been and he makes her go from feeling powerful to creeped out and uncomfortable pretty damn fast) even though it takes them about another month to get officially back together. 

She cheats again, after Weevil, obviously. But Weevil’s really the only one that made her feel icky, like she was doing something wrong and immoral, even though it was just sex (all of her affairs are just sex). Logically, she knows sleeping with Aaron is wrong and yikes, but she feels that rush the whole time she does it. 

*Also, tbf, Logan cheats on Lilly too as shown during “Lord of the Bling.” While his cheating pales significantly in comparison to sleeping with one of her parents it does happen (and Logan was 100% doing it to piss her off to and I don’t think Lilly was paying Logan much mind when she started sleeping with Aaron) 

Was she ever in love with Logan as much as he was?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, x761964632

There is no doubt in my mind she loved him as much as he loved her. In small amounts of screen time they had together on the screen they are ridiculous and infatuated with one another, equally. We see it from the way she took his advice about silly stuff and made it her own (like uses the vents to hide stuff in, she gets that idea from Logan, and then passes it off as her own because I think she’s keeping parts of him to herself), how he knows stuff about her that Duncan and Veronica don’t know (in 1x04 when they’re playing never have i ever and logan pushes the cup to lilly’s mouth to drink because he knows the answer), and, again, in 1x04 – which is the best Veronica Mars episode thank you very much – when Logan’s sleeping with his head in her lap and she’s kind of cradling his head like!! 

So, yes. She was a teenager and she was young and she was fabulous, impulsive, reckless, secretive, manipulative, thriving, caring, passionate, silly, enamored, etc., but none of this ever ever meant that she didn’t love him.