#i get at least one headache a day
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GETTING DAILY HEADACHES ISNT NORMAL???
okay i don't mean to be dramatic but it's downright evil how doctors (don't) treat people with chronic headaches
#i get at least one headache a day#there have been multiple points in my life when not having a headache was more surprising than having one#i just like got used to it ig??#i actually currently have a headache lol#i don't really know the difference between headache and migraine#like how to identify it#but my mom gets migraines a lot#i know for a fact that i've had migraines before#like they put me in tears#so i dont think i normally get them#holy shit#this is craaazy#i legit did not know this was abnormal
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Small Beginnings
#horizon zero dawn#hzd remaster#hzd photomode#hello i am (temporarily? work will eat me one of these days) back#honestly didn't play much horizon lately#mostly control and the odd glacier pic session#felt a little burnt out#but. now the remaster is out i'm being reminded why i love this game so much and god.#you can tell they tried to get it more in line with hfw visually#but it is still distinctly hzd and i could just cry at its beauty all day#can't wait to explore all the areas i've loved to bits in the original and see what they look like now#unfortunately photo mode is still a hassle but we'll make do#they added an option to turn off lens flare. i'm content#...at least i think you couldn't do that before? i remember lens flare giving me a headache regularly#maybe i'm just misremembering
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I don't care if the texts are about what you're eating for dinner, I'll take all the crumbs I can get !!
LMAO yeah okay here you go. And upon reading them this morning it wasn't that funny so idk why I was laughing almost hysterically last night about it ahskalslal
#not snz#he's so right i did sound insane lmao#i always manage to forget how weird i get when I'm overly tired ahskalsl#in my defense i was texting my fire coworkers like this too ahskalslal#six of them texted me to make sure i survived my drive home and a few texted me later in the evening to make sure i was still alive#i got progressively weirder the longer the day went on lmao#passed out at like 11pm which is unheard of for me#it's 10am now and honestly i still don't feel like i slept enough#vaguely headachy and still kinda tired#i know migraine hangovers are A Thing but I've never had one so maybe I'm just going crazy fr lmao#at least i don't have to do anything today#also several people i know said to drink caffeine??? like will that not make it worse?????#the most caffeine i consume is maybe a cup of black tea and that's not even everyday#it just makes me so tired lmao and doesn't caffeine make headaches worse#i think the coworkers are just trying to fuck with me idk#i am kinda hungry tho i barely ate yesterday bc i was nauseous af#maybe food will fix me
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Any tips to making a cold go away sooner?
#no bc why do I feel like I’m always sick#at least once a month#I need to get my immune system up but it’s like nothing is workingggg#also I think I might be lactose intolerant#sorry Frank Zhang for ever making fun of you this is the karma I got😔#no but I deadass need this cold to go away#I missed an entire week of school two weeks ago bc I got really sick#and now I’m sick again#I went to sleep with a bit of a sore throat and woke up to a fever#a headache#a runny nose#and no appetite#(that last one is incredibly rare for me)#and my mom made me tea#but it was green tea and I drank that on an empty stomach which made me nearly throw up#help a girl out#pls#being sick#colds#sneezing hurts#usually I sneeze once every two-three days#but this is my fourth today#and my throat is on fire from it#this is so random#I’m making this post instead of doing actual work I should be doing#random post#a bit of a rant
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New school attendance rules (that are stupid as fuck) being published has me learning people didn't even know that the UK fines people for their kids not being in school unauthorized???
#i...i....yeah to anyone who didnt know#we do#this country is obsessed with school attendance#if its not authorized your fucked#hell even if authorized aka your carer did phone for you and shit#depending how many you have it can stack up and they'll get sus#and you'll get in trouble even then#like the new rules alone are increasingly making it clear if your not authorized you can get bankrupt depending how many kids you have#which yes makes the new rules abelist as fuck and also only rich people will survive it#hell if the schools cant fine you they'll at least make you feel shame#as my school had a form system where at the end of each term a form will be rewarded for the best attendance#so rip if you were the fucker that took i dunno one or two days off for sickness or whatever#because you just costed your form room the award and the classmates know it and will look at you#source: me who had to take sick days off#hell snow days you wont free at my school#my roads and pathways were iced so i couldnt go in#but noooo according to my head of year i should have tried cause he hunted all of us who took the day off and interograted us#and if our excuse wasnt good enough for him we were told off#and they'd literally encourage you to only take sick day off if your throwing up#my head of year literally said he dont care if we got a headache or small cough or sniffle just come in#...huh wonder how they did during 2020...#but yeah attendance in the UK in terms of schools is fucking strict#(also if your curious they did send us home if we were bad-bad#i got sent home once i think??? i dont recall much of that school for my own sanity#but i badly burnt my hand in DT via a soldering iron and i had to go home and the doctors and return to school#with a hand i couldnt write with which was my writing hand so um#yeah i couldnt work much until it recovered...well my english teacher forced me to write with my non-writing hand but#and one girl got sent home for throwing up on the stairs#and another from my limited memories for falling down the stairs which uh were stone in a way so um#(i fell up those stairs somehow once...didnt get sent home but i missed english so) they had no choices sometimes)
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Everyone tell me how cool I am and how good of a job I did please and thank you I want to wake up to nice messages. I'm so so brave I feel like I just had an insane day and I need external validation
#i finally did one of my late essays#20% docked on it but the pass mark is 40/100 so we are Good#even if i get a 50 i'm fine and surely this is at least a 50#like it cannot be worse than the last thing i handed in and that was 50-55#anyway yeah i did it!! yippee!!!#so i'm going to go enjoy my well-deserved 10 hours of sleep#see you a 6pm! (yeah it's 8am. sleep schedule who. i'm a vampire we said)#the monster gave me a headache also i think :( i don't like that#BUT. essay done. tomorrow. special considerations for the last subject#and then next week i have a few days to do captions but that'll be easy#the annoying bit will be explaining why i did things the way i did with the correct vocabulary#but. we thrive. we move. we ball. i can do it (kinda)#we're limping along but it's fine i'm almost done#the finish line is close. we're getting there#and next week i get to make my lil guy kiss the vampire for my enjoyment. all will be well#wow i have a ramble tag now#england adventures
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Girl help I've become a trekie a few decades late.
#in other news im still hysterical over yhe movies (which are the only ones ive seen i have not seen the og series yet lol)#but i cannot belive chekov gets brain damage in 2 of the 6 movies#thats ONE THIRD OF THE TIME GUYS#how is he still alive#and also whenever this happens he just.#goes to work the very same day as soon as he wakes up????#in the fourth one i get it#sure he just fell off a military ship onto straight concrete and burst blood vessels in his brain#and almost got a hole drilled into his skull#and only woke up after bones used his weird little machine to fix it#but he doesn't have time to worry about that#theyre outlaws at the moment with only them aboard yhe ship its all hanfs on deck of course he has to go back to work as soon as he gets up#BUT THE SECOND MOVIE???#not only should he take a break after getting mind controlled via deadly brain worms#THEY SHOULD NOT LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO SHIP EQUIPMENT#the man could still be brainwashed!#or if not that fighting the headache of all time#do NOT let him shoot the missiles after that!!!!#anyways scotty getting a concussion after walking straight into a pole was the most disrespectful thing that happened in the 5th movie#at least chekov gets some dignity when he sustains massive brain trauma!#scotty just#walks into a pole#star trek#star trek: tos#the original series#pavel chekov#hikaru sulu#montgomery scott#art#fanart
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if i was in olden england, the way ive gotten more migraines in the ten days ive been here than in six months back in mtl would be grounds to send me to the seaside for my health and humours
#the first two were fair enough (i think. i don't even really remember the causes anymore) but this one is fucked#like i got it at NIGHT? thats bizarre. and it lasted through one solid painkiller and ten hours of sleep. so what gives#at least theres no photosensitivity anymore and no nausea yay#<- unironically huge Ws#but why is it Still here....i didnt even do anything to cause it 😭#the main reasons i get migraines is not eating/drinking enough or my neck/shoulders being fucked up#but ive been eating the same shit all week so id have to be getting headaches daily which i havent been#and i havent had any neck pain + im back to working out properly#well whatever itll resolve or itll stay and ill figure it out then! im just kind of bummed i wasted half my alone time day on being in bed
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soooo. that new big time rush album huh
#how we feeling today rushers (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧#also yes i've come back from the dead just to post abt this like. i owe this blog *this much* at least ykyk#anyway its like 3 in the morning here and ive just woken up after a vv long and exhausting day yesterday so this was a pleasant surprise :>#i haven't really listened to it in full yet bc idk adhd things but when the mood hits right y'all know i'll be VIBING#i never talked abt it but waves and can't get enough were great earworms so i'm excited to see how the rest of the songs will turn out#also hope everyone's doing well here on the btr side of tumblr hehe y'all been absolutely fed this year <3#is this gonna be allen's 2k23 tumblr comeback??? nah prob not i'm too in love with the fooo conspiracy atm but hey maybe also who knows 👀#(*heckler from the back of the audience* NO ONE CARES ABOUT U AND UR TRASH CONTENT IDIOT STFU FOREVER ACTUALLY!!!!!)#but yep. life has been fuck work has been a headache and so many unwanted tragic plot twists this year. but at least we got new btr lezzgo!#also happy pride month y'all!!! just saying this for absolutely no rhyme or reason related to this post at all wdym lmao ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯#okay thats all promise i'll shush now and it's time for old grampa to disappear into the darkest recesses of the internet yet again hejdååå#btr#big time rush#another life#album#stop it forever#lmao i hardly remember my dumbass blog tags;;; it's for the best hdbfkgk
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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Got my writing session yesterday cut short by a visual migraine that got to the point where I couldn't see the keyboard anymore, and now the damn thing is *back* and idk yet if I'll be able to write later -.-
#and i can't very well keep chugging coffee at this time of day to make it go away#there's still some coke in the fridge that i'll try in a sec (although it's probably flat as well by now)#but i'm in suuuuch a mood to start the rbei!bob prompt fill for january...#this is mean. i usually *never* get this shit two days in a row#let alone at this intensity#...i'm pretty much blind rn. at least on the left eye the right is a bit better.#i can deal with a headache but this static shit in front of my eyes is *really* annoying#kaj rambles#to delete later#if anyone knows any home remedies i'd love to hear about it because my only one is caffeine and i would like to be able to sleep tonight
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...
#glasses broke#tried to call the glasses store#glasses store phone number transferred me to a general customer service line#customer service line tried to call the glasses store no one answered#i'm about to have to pay this fucking store like $600 i really don't have for glasses#and i can't even get an actual human being on the phone in the actual location i'm going to be purchasing from goddamn#ignore me#i am annoyed#and also i can't see shit#i am getting by on electrical tape and a prayer i can't keep this up#i just want to know if they have the same frames so i can at least transfer the lenses for now#because the tape is not holding it well enough so they're not sitting right on my face and everything is blurry#i've had a headache for two days straight 😭#personal
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I feel like I came out of the womb with raging anxiety
#never been fully relaxed a day in my life#literally had a panic attack at age 6-7(?)#I’ve been super self aware for as long as I can remember#the tension in my body is my natural state#I’ve BEEN imagining every worst case scenario since I could form thoughts#7th-8ish grade is where it got worse#had panic attacks like four times a week#and then heart palpitations started and holy shit I was googling symtoms and that would make it worse#was convinced I would get a heart attack#having a headache is part of my daily routine#then I got a crush on a guy and with it came body dysmorphia#couldn’t look people in the eye from how ugly I felt(still struggle with this one but we got this💪🏼💪🏼)#now I mostly just cry#like I deadass get stressed and overwhelmed and just cry#depression came next and I was honestly not surprised#and it tampered my anxiety a bit but I’d honestly rather feel stressed than feel so numb#yeah I wouldn’t recommend#so basically I lie awake feeling aware of my own heartbeat or of my body#oh and I can’t forget the physical pain that anxiety caused me#muscle aches literally convinced me there was something wrong with me#went to the doctor numerous times bc I NEEDED to be diagnosed with something or I would go crazy and instead got told to see a therapist#and the therapist basically told me everything I had already figured out myself but at least I can talk to someone#tw anxiety#tw depression#tw body dysmorphia#anxiety#mentions of depression#and I’m only a teenager so should I be worried about what happens in the next few years? bc this already sounds like a lot to me#this was supposed to be a funny little post but nvm I guess?? don’t worry about me I’m good though many good things in my life#teenager
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I think I'm sick :)))
#i called out of work today because i couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time last night#and I've had a sore throat and headache since yesterday and every time I've checked my temp it was around 101 F#I've literally been sleeping off and on all day#still have a headache#gonna take another Tylenol#hopefully tomorrow I'm feeling well enough to at least try to come in#i hate calling out and I'm the only one who's supposed to be in at 7#to get a head start on welcome center stuff#hhh
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I forgot it's the 14th of July which means one of the bane of my existence: fireworks.
The thing is, we don't even have any in our village, it's the ones from the villages around that I keep hearing. And despite the distance, it's still. Too. Fucking. LOUD!!!
#i hate those useless noisy things#at least i don't have to deal with the lights#but still#the autism is strong with this one#add the splitting headache i've had for the last few days 'cause of covid and you get the idea of what i have to endure
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