#but ive been eating the same shit all week so id have to be getting headaches daily which i havent been

[sodrippy]

if i was in olden england, the way ive gotten more migraines in the ten days ive been here than in six months back in mtl would be grounds to send me to the seaside for my health and humours

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[hannahbarberra162]

thank you so much for responding to me twice now!! im sorry im sending these in so frequently, I dont know how tumblr works but i hope that, even if you dont post a reply to this, (which btw you NEVER have to, please dont feel obligated), i honestly only want you to read the ask. (even then its okay if you dont lol), im a bit overenthusiastic about your work, if you couldn't tell haha 😓 (not that it doesn't deserve all the enthusiasm in the world!!- I just know I can ramble when something excites me.)  I'll try to space out my asks more as to not overwhelm you or anything. i  honesty would love to read whatever you have to offer, even if it's just posting little snippets. I feel bad requesting stuff, though, from what I've read you're probably a busy college student with enough on your plate! still, without making any specific requests, whatever you have to offer, ill eat up like it's my last meal!! id love to see your works on other chatacters! i honestly didn't even really care heavily for mihawk or shanks but you know damn well i ate up your works on them! and like i said, i dont even really know Marco besides your interpretation, (which are canon in my mind haha) and literally had to look up who thatch was. yet i STILL have enjoyed your writings with them to the point ive been up late wondering what happens next. whatever you write, ill enjoy! you just have such incredibly intriguing stories, i honestly have never been so hooked before. thank you so much for writing! i guessed that either Marco or Ace was your favorite, so im glad i was close with Ace! i had the same sort of question as i did with Marco, but I didn't wanna ask both in one message. kinda a 'why him', sorta thing, not that i dont get this one completely- ive seen him in action and i love ace too! But i wanna hear why YOU love him, how YOU see him, same as what i asked for Marco. you don't have to answer if you dont want to! i know ive already typed a lot, so ill cut myself off here!! thank you my goat!! 🐐 and thank you for my appreciation of the WBP!!

(I've also really enjoyed your jinbe work so far!! he's one of my favorites🌊)

@celine-zzz Don't be sorry!!! This made my day, my week, my month! I lose confidence a lot and reading things like this make me think it's worth it. Thank you so so so much for your praise!!!! I actually screenshot nice asks like these and reread them haha. Ask whatever you want!! I like interacting with other people!!! Talk to me all you want!!!

I don't mind getting requests, I just don't ask for them bc I don't know that I can fulfill what people want. But I'm always happy to try! Heat Transfer is actually based off a Nonnie ask and I spiraled from there.

And, ah, I'm quite a few years past my college days 🫠🫠🫠 I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but time comes for us all.

In truth I started writing characters I felt I had a better handle on. I find Ace to be the most relatable. I think he's the most like someone you could potentially meet, maybe other than Law. Someone who is confident and self loathing and insecure and smart and dumb and self assured and all of that wrapped in a cute bundle with freckles. I also find Ace easy to write because I do feel that I've met people like him in real life, so I think of the dumb shit they would do lol. He reminds me a lot of a few of my friends, maybe that's why I feel protective over him.

That isn't a very good answer, but in summary he's my bby and I want the best for him <3.

Jinbe is who I'd actually want to ship myself with (see self indulgent fic) and I'd most want to be friends with and spend the day with Usopp.

[w0ndrlvst]

i just had to cancel upcoming plans with friends because of personal shit, but this triggered me to kinda just...dump what ive been feeling into a public post. id usually go into an empty park and scream as loud as i can when im feeling this upset, but i think airing my grievances out onto a public social media platform is the best equivalent. its like we're all screaming into the void together!!!!!

anyways, venting below the cut.

im not going into specifics as to protect my irl identity, its going to be two years since i dropped out of school originally and ever since then ive been incredibly sick both mentally and physically. i can barely eat; i get full easily and some days i feel like ill throw up if i eat regardless of how small the portion is. my medicine is an apetite surpresant so that makes it even harder to eat as well. im constantly tired, ive lost so much weight, have no energy, my memory has gotten worse and worse...its just been so fucking awful. im seeing a doctor this week but im not optimistic that she'll help given how shit the medical system is in the states.

this alone is a lot but i have to live with a very dysfunctional family dynamic and attend college classes at the same time all while balancing a social life. i never truly got to rest when i took my gap year because my parents hounded me to apply for jobs, learn to drive, find a school to attend for the next spring; even though i needed to just STOP and not do anything just for a little bit. however, in their eyes it was seen as me 'giving up' and 'not trying hard enough,' so i never had the time to recollect myself. i never felt like i ever had a chance to rest. even now i am always working towards having to accomplish a responsibility and i never have time to take care of myself.

to add the cherry to the already shit sundae, theres just...external world issues that have me perpetually worried for my own future and the future of my peers. i dont think i need to go into detail about that.

yeah, thats kinda how ive been the past two years. pretty shitty. and i wouldn't be surprised if you're also feeling shitty too. its all been kinda shit. nevertheless, we persist. i dont doubt we'll seek better days, and that maybe in due time something magical will happen and we'll all finally start to feel better, but goddamn has it been a tough battle recently.

[but-aint-this-texas]

yuliia, sheltered brat, and anyone who knows me/cares abt me please do not read more.

Anyone else, be mindful. Triggers in tags.

why can't I do anything?

I forget my homework the second I get home. The days over n I'm like a week behind on my English. I didn't touch my math and I have like 5 pages to do.

I forget all my exercise goals. I make a plan in gym class n I haven't made any progress in a month.

I want to eat less/healthy n I make a commitment at school n then I get home and fuck it all up. The only time I could remember or be productive was when I was counting my calories. I think I should go back to that because I was so productive, looking for homework and crafts and shit to do whenever I was hungry. Yeah I was sad and tired and always fucking fatigued but give me a tea n music and I'll do everything I need I went so far ahead in my math papers but lost all that by now. If I stopped eating I swear I'd be able to finish all my character tracking.

Id be able to get in my exercise, I'd remember because a fucking apple is so much of my budget I need to burn it all off. And in our health unit of gym she was saying how nutrition is more than an exchange of calories but as long as I get macronutrients, vegetables, and nothing more, then restricting is fine, right? I'd still get all the shit I need to live but I wouldn't be such a fatass n I wouldn't want to eat all the time and I'll have to break for Thanksgiving 2: electric boogaloo but it'll be ok.

Ive lost all progress in math. I used to be a fucking star student, I was always on top of my work, and this was only a month ago. Now everything's gone. I'm so far behind in English it's actually not funny, I feel like I'm gonna fail. I'm such a lazy bitch I just sit around all day n make excuses n do nothing n then blame other shit for my own failures

It might be the Tired and Period and Haven't Controlled in Days talking but I'm being logical I saw results when I was hard on myself I got stuff done. I did shit. I felt good. I got praise I drank water I felt skinny I felt light and bright and loved and productive and not all dark and sad and worthless like I do now. The teachers have nothing to praise, I snap AR my family and 'friends' and one of my friends I haven't talked to in days because they've been sick from school n I haven't had the fucking guts to reach out and same with my girlfriend I seriously doubt she still even cares about me I haven't talked to her and our last conversation faded so fast I'm worried we're gonna split and I don't want that I want this to work and I want to be good and productive and pretty and happy and God I want to be happy and I want to be kinder and I just fucking wish I were dead because I wouldn't have to feel like this all the time and my brother found my blog so I'm taking a big chance posting this n I hope none of you see this because I don't deserve attention but then again if u were to reinforce this shit maybe it'd get through my skull and I'd actually be able to start this instead of being a lazy piece of shit

Fuck this. Yknow what imma make a plan.

-eat only dinner, liquids, and count vegetable calories. Do not exceed 500.*

-walk >1 km daily and do all finch exercises.

-do not do anything after you get home until you've finished all homework.

I feel like it's achievable. 1. Do homework 2. Walk 1 km 3. Do anything but eat until dinner* I can do that every day. It's so easy guys. I get home, set up my homework, do that n then reward myself with a break, a nice walk in the cold, alone, possible with my podfic. Then I can do whatever I want, I can make my friends bracelets, I can finish the stickers I promised someone like a month ago, I can do anything. It's not strict at all. J found life's cheat code. I've got it gang.

*I have no choice in what I eat for dinner or how much. I can only control it to a very limited extent without someone punishing me for it. This is the only allowance I will give myself, except in the case of any medical emergency, which will not happen.

Easy! I should be able to Control semi-often from now on, and im gonna have such a great life. I got this. Homework, walk, done. Easy. Homework, walk. There is no complexity to it. I will have to stop at the end of my walk for a minute to do the rest of my exercise but it's fine <3

Im doing great <3

[better-off-withoutme]

Separately from all that or kinda at least.

Im fucking lonely.

The only one I have out here is my best friend and as ive established she is completely disinterested in me.

Ive never been too good at making friends, I always misinterpret shit, miss cues, dont know what to say or how to get someone to be my friend and actually stay my friend.

Which is why when i finally made friends I held on to them. Now though Im hundreds of miles away from them and everyone has there own lives, and me? Im out of site out of mind.

My family is the same way. I haven’t spoken to my mom who for so long WAS my best friend in literally weeks. I try to call but something always comes up and she says “ill call you back”… she never does. My sister? Another one of my best friends… pffft she talks more to my actual best friend than she does to me, they literally talk to each other more than either of them talk to me combined.

It just seems like if i was to just go missing.. like pooof. No one would even notice. I think the only one that would is my fucking cat who seems to now be my new best friend since everyone else cant be bothered. Honestly i dont think my actual best friend the person i live with would notice my absence for days if it werent for my cat, shed bother her for food and be confused as to why im not there to feed her.

My cat is my baby and i love her so id never do that to her. If anything id take her with and just drop off the face of the earth, probably be a week before anyone even thought about me and where i was.

I just miss my friends and my family.

I go to work, I come home, I eat, I sleep, and i cuddle my cat. Repeat.

Its like im in an entire different dimension. I can see everyone passing by, but no one except my damn cat can see me.

Its fucking depressing. Im depressed… again almost as bad as that year.

Ive fucking gone to self harm again and fuck im so disgusted and disappointed in my self i swore id never do that shit again and yet here we are. I just wanted to break this THING that im in or at least for a second feel like i did, Im suck and I dont know how to help myself anymore. Its like i feel nothing and everything all at the same time. Im numb but filled with so many emotions its fucking overwhelming.

I dont know what to do anymore.

[sadshitonmain]

DICEY I S DRUNK

Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so

Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.

Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.

FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.

I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.

To my new friends.

Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.

Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.

Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.

Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.

No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.

Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.

I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.

In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.

You were always right.

I still love you.

Dicey,

(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)

Fuck you all, i give up

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

HIII this is probably gonna be the last ask i send as your swiftie exchange anon haha! also i dont know what timezone you are but ive scheduled it for 6am gmt for tomorrow if i remember correct skdkekdfk (but also you said quid which means pounds i think so im taking a wild guess that you are somewhat the same timezone as me haha)

yep im in uni! honestly kinda harsh kakdkekxfj ive got tests on the first week back but i suppose that's to ne expected haha! it is quite stressful but like c'est la vie yk? good luck on your exams!!

oh also im so glad youre feeling better!! i hope you feel awesome soon!

oh yeahh that makes complete sense! you dont have to show them to me if you dont want to btw but once i reveal myself and you are okay w it you can dm me! (only if you want tho no pressure at all!!)

yeahh thats so real actually! people always want what they dont have and that makes me kinda sad but also im one of those people so ajdeksjd i cant really say anything abt it akfkekdjf

yeahh hypocrisy is so linked like to everyday stuff!! and what you said makes more sense than what i ever couldve ajdjejsjfn and inflation is HORRIBLE ive witnessed price of stuff like cheese go up by so much and it appals me! and that is a ridiculous difference from your phone bill!

oohh i wish i was you id love to meet my online friends!!

yeah!! like the main problem with fast fashion isnt the cheap quality (i mean perhaps it is) but also the PEOPLEEEE WHO BARELY GET PAIDD!!

thats such a thought out and good answer!! climate change and the way politicians handle shit is so real like it NEEDSS to be addressed!! and i hope you get to see your doctors!!

and same im such a pushover like i wish i could not be but alas it is but a dreamm!! i think for me what you said is basically my answer and like people being assholes and thinking theyre funny? lile people who think its okay to make offensive jokes or say a slur bc they think theyre funny annoys me soo bad!!!!! and also people who manipulate other people like ewwww and just like horrible people in general. also thats horrible!! why does anyone think its okay to do that???

hmm... honestly rename strawberries fluffleberries and making bananas rainbow sounds like an awesome idea sjdjekdn hmm this is hard kakdkdskf maybe i would replace car honks with goose honks hehe i feel like thats such a silly answer but tbf i am but a silly goose!! what about you?

and my question to you: what are some things you are grateful for (see i say things not people bc i feel like people is a very general question ajfjrjdjf but you can tell me people too if you want!!)

thank youu!! i had an awesone time chatting with you you're lovely <3

have an awesome day!!!

-swiftie spring exchange anonnnnn

Hello! My country change timezones slightly I think based on clocks, but I think we're currently BST? I can never remember, a bit embarrassing imo XD It's cool that we might be close in time zones!!

Ah I have no exams cause I'm not in uni, but I am tutoring kids for exams so does that count? XD I hope your tests go well!!

Cheap quality sucks, but it'd improve if companies were willing to give up just a teeny tiny bit of their profits...I've become so increasingly anti company over the last like 5 years I think XD And thank you!! Honestly the "offensive is funny" type is SO annoying. I've met a few that were like "uhhh it's dark humour" and I've been like. You do not have dark humour, you just want to be rude.

I did however get a cookie once from a guy who realised that I had been upset by his stupid joke (I can't remember what exactly it was, but I think it was like...either homophobic or misogynistic. The apology was nice to get because it was unexpected. Alas at the time I was unable to eat gluten so the cookie part was awkward.) And manipulation just sucks?? I feel like people get away with it a lot because it's not obviously awful until you realise what's going on.

Silly answers are encouraged for that one!! (And always tbh) XD And honestly I would get rid of sparkling water. I feel like it's like marmite - people love it or hate it. And I hate sparkling water, I literally cannot handle the texture. And one time I accidentally got some instead of regular water. The memory haunts me. So yeah I'd wind up half the world by getting rid of it altogether and just watch the chaos XD

My final answer (also I know who you are now cause of when I logged on BUT I'm gonna answer this anyways on here) would be my cats (haha not people so they slip through...not things either but not people), the way life has turned out (it's not perfect, but I'm in a much better position than I ever expected even just like 2 years ago), and my art abilities (because I like that I can draw, and draw pretty decently, it's a fun and usually relaxing hobby!)

I had the time of my life answering questions with you, and I look forwards to hopefully talking more with you!!

[dirtmunch]

when i get involved w peopel i always very quickly get the sense that the other person likes me a lot more than i like them which makes me feel so uneasy and uncomfortable and guilty, like im puttin on an act and trying not to get caught. but also like mad that theyre over interpreting how i interract w them and assuming its the same head over heelsness as theyre feeling, like theyr eputting words in my mouth :/ its not as if i dislike them at all, but i can tell they are way more invested in me than i am them :( i feel like im deficient in that sense and can never rlly feel true love or attraction like that wholesale like other ppl seem to be able to and ill never find true love bc of it ughhhhh.

but the one time i DO feel genine yearning and love and affection to someone its w a girl itll never happen w cuz she moved ;O; she was a grad student in print n me and a couple otehr print gworls got super close, but i graduated before them and i felt like they didnt give a shit about me after even tho i tried so hard to keep up the connection. she graduated in may n recently moved outta state fir work next i see shes made an insta post talking abt another girl in the group as her best friend n how grateful she was to have met her and im just like :’‘‘‘‘‘‘( so jealous and sad and mad at happenstance that i happened to graduate when i had to and they still didnt and because fo this someone else became the closest one to her.... like the one time i feel like im feeling actual love this is what happensssssssss but what can i do abt it!!!!! im also so mad ive been made to feel liek such an outsider and scrapped by ppl just bc i moved like... slightly farther away. liek they never responded to texts never tried to reciprocate when i tried making plans never tried to reach out first to make plans w me themselves

makes me feel awful bc im dating a rlly nice girl rn, we ARE explicitly open and casual bc we r both moving in 2 weeks n knew we’d have to split at the end of the summer but i just find myself thinking abt how much fun and geuine joy and how relaxed id be having if i was with the other girl and how i could actually b myself instead of putting on the act in front of my gf bc she expects the same amout of love she feels towards me *from* me. but i also feel like my gf and i are dating more out of proximity and convenience cuz we’re both 20 somns living at home w parents in the burbs, but i dont think she rlly gets me in the way i know the other girl does and has. like we like each other but at a fundamental level dont mesh. somethign somethign divergent evolution of a twitter user vs a lifelong tumblr girlie.

when i think of the other girl i want to cook for her bc i love how happy she looks when she eats the food i make, i wanna talk about dumb shit without putting on the front i have to w my gf so she doesnt feel totally confused, i wanna crochet for her i wanna decorate for her but its never happening!!!!!!!!!

[comicparty]

i wish my house and room were better. i have no moneg almosf constantly. i will only be drinking water/coke/milk and only drinking through straws (stained teeth) and eating sandwiches so i can save money. get dat schmoney up. i want to try and draw more but i need to replace my mattress and then also rearrange my room again possibly so i can chill at my bed drawing on my bigass tablet instead of like sitting in this jncomfychair on uneven flooring that rolls me around

i started the dragon wuest remake and im so happy its one of thise games u can have over 1000+ coins cuz alot of those old ones wouldnt

i want to use my computer more again and play games with friends once again and finish more games myself and also MAKE more games (i love game dev stuff just need to figure out the best way for me to do so)

i want to start posting more of a diary on here so whenever i get around to fixing my actual desktop theme i can have 2 tabs only be looked at which r my art tags and my diary tag (for myself so i can just see my thoughts and memories)

i also want to try and do one doodle a day, and in that same note do one pixel each week, one water color, one acrylic, one gouache and one scribble/ink

i will also be wanting to save my money alot more and actually put money into my savings account (truthfully it is very hard for me to deal with biweekly paychecks which i have another story to talk abt later that deals with that)

ive tried doing the math for it and when i had to pay my parents $200 each month along with my other bills i would be owing people money but thats because id eat out alot bc our house is just gross and ee have rats AND ants ifs fuckin crazy… my roommate matt overworks himself and he gets paid alot but he doesnt have time to do the things he wants to do on our house, erin and i can help but like we cab only do so much without him u kno? i always call him lazy which sometimes he is but he’s simulated the most kind hearted man and hard working man i know, im glad erin is marrying him. i just wish hed realize that erin and i and even himself get so stressed out being in a house like this thats breaking down

thats why i push my pixel stickers so much (i still have lots of ideas i havent been able to do yet due to med problems) so i can help pay for things cuz i get shit pay lolol i need to remember to work on a bullet point list of what all i do for the wellness review also when do we get taxes back? i forget

[raventhekittycat]

current breakdown

He's really sweet and ive never been treated truly nicely casually. Just in the small things he does he's nice. Ive had the big gestures met and made but never the little things. And i really like it and its definitely part of whats fucking with my emotions

I want him to like be but i also dont want him to like me. More specifically i want him to like be because i want someone to love me but i dont want /him/ to like me because i dont want to hurt him and im definitely not right for him and i can tell we almost undoubtedly aren't compatible in the long run. But i still want /him/ to like me a little because ive come to like him.

Very similar to the i want to like him but dont problem. Cause i know it wont work we aren't right for each other but also ive come to like him.

And god i dont want to hurt him i really dont want to hurt him and if he comes to like me i will definitely hurt him. For one ive already slept with someone else and rho this is casual fwb he definitely seems like the type to be hurt by that if we were to get closer

i cant stop thinking about him and probably 80% or more isn't sexual

I cant stop thinking about the last week. Since he got back hes actually texting me to an extent and the second time we saw each other he actually walked part of the way home with me and gave me a hug and kiss before parting outside the train station from a guy who hates pda. I cant stop thinking about that kiss or Saturday night when i was an absolute snit and he still came to my place. And tho i cornered him into even after he found out he didn't want to have sex with me he held me and fell asleep holding me which he hadn't done before. I was using his chest as a pillow. Ive never been able to sleep cuddled like that with someone. Even after i rolled over to my other hip away from him he rolled with me and still put his arm over me. Ive never had anyone want to actually hold me. Hes just too nice

And the kicker that made me realize i really do care about him even if it isn't love its tipped past infatuation probably was friday night same night he kissed me. He found out i hadn't eaten (just hadn't? no real reason) and was determined to make me eat and was going to buy me food if he had too. Which if id been hungry i would have accepted but i wasn't so it became a bit of thing cause i was worried I'd only nibble what he bought cause i really wasn't hungry and i didnt want him to pay for a waste of food but beyond the point. He was the only one who went fuck you need to eat and forced me to do something about that then. Which initially my brain went holy shit he cares or and that or caught me because it was true. Cares or has long exposure to/dealt with people with autism/adhd (adhd in my case) and yea its the second. He used to work with autistic kids regularly so it wasn't me it was just instinct training kicking in. And that hurt.

So anyways im fucked. Ive really come to like him and i know its doomed and because i like him i dont want to hurt him and dont want him to like me but i also want him to like me because know one has ever treated me like this before and its all a mess. And to top it off we are so incompatible in so many fundamental ways that it's just.

Man i thought this was a way easier list/breakdown which is why i started it. Anyways that's my current psychoanalysis of the situation and there's still stuff I can't explain but that's what i can come up with

God i wish I know what i could call him to refer to him. I dont want to just keep calling him my friend or fwb but also it feels wrong to call it anything else and i know i shouldn't hope to push it beyond that for above reasons.

And to top it all off he's Australian the only country on the planet im too terrified to visit.

just once id like to realize i like someone and not have it make me cry

[p---ink]

I'm sorry.

I might genuinely have ADHD.

There were some misconceptions about the disorder that I didn't know about...I thought there was just something wrong with me.

I don't take care of myself the way other women do...I don't moisturize, or do my makeup, or skincare, or eat healthy, or stay organized, because i'm lazy. Simply put.

Lack of eye contact I give people (mostly men) is because of being intimidated. Not because there is genuinely something wrong.

I can't seem to remember things that people just told me, because I'm a goldfish. no other reason.

Procrastination is just something about myself that I cant change. Simply put.

My need to daydream is something everyone does. Not because daydreaming is easier than putting in the work to make them come true.

My mood swings don't exist. I'm not crazy.

Theres like legit other things that I'm fucking forgetting because my mind is racing a mile a minute just like it always does. And i'm gonna get mad that I didn't include it after I remember it, think about going back to edit it, but then forget to.

I thought it was just genetics as to why I act the way I do. It very well still could be. The more I research it however, the more I'm convinced it could apply to me.

Y'all I love writing. SO much. Reading so much. My courses in school, and school in general I love so much....so tell me why I spend my time on my cell phone scrolling through bumble, and snapchat, and texting men or trying to get them to text me, only to be disappointed, only to go on rants, only to complain about how I should be doing the things I love instead.

Why do I find it so hard to do things I need to do, and want to do, but find myself lying in bed instead stressing about doing them.

I thought ADHD, was people who couldn't focus for shit, and were really hyper and talkative, and energetic. But there's so much more to it.

You could be mentally hyper...get mentally exhausted. But then I ask myself how did I already get this far.

I didn't. Ive always struggled, and just been doing enough to get by...I could have been doing so much better than what I am.

I feel like crying while writing this. I feel like screaming because even though I know all of this I cant do anything about it right now.

I shouldn't self-diagnose. I know I shouldn't. But I just feel it. And I don't want to have ADHD, but id be so happy to know if there is a genuine reason as to why I act the way I do...instead of just a me thing.

Im writing this though, because you've all been on my mind. And im sorry if you genuinely missed me, and wanted me to interact with you. Know if that's the case ive missed you too...and im not actively ignoring you because I want to. Because I want to interact as well. But I find it really hard sometimes.

Like seriously im sitting in a room full of junk, and filth that disgusts me. By next week, ill have eventually cleaned it, but it will end up looking the way it does again within an hour.

Scheduling...manifesting...praying and pep talks. I do it all the time...but it doesn't ever work. I need help...but im tired. And depressed that my wants are going untouched. I want to do my schoolwork. I want to read and write. But there's so much to think about and so much to do, that I don't want to do any of it and all of it at the same time.

this post will magically fix that I hope. I know it won't. But it feels nice to reach out. I wish my random bursts of productivity could be more consistent.

I need a hug.

@cocoamoonmalfoy @specialk-18 @viva-asgardia @swaggysposts

[antiloreolympus]

12 Anti LO Asks

1. its victim blaming of hades to tell minthe its HER fault she "couldnt get over him". like? you lied to her! youre the one who blurred the lines to date her! you were just as toxic to her if not more so by controlling where she lives and her job, all while never defending her to your cruel family! you had all the power over her while she had nothing! you dumped her for a 19 year old and dont care she crippled minthe! i wont excuse minthe's actions, but hades is ultimately the worse of the two IMO

2. you know why fans claimed "Minthe should've reacted better"? since the first episode Rachel has been drilling into their heads Minthe is an irredeemable monster, and her not bending over backwards to H/P means she deserves the absolute worst. Minthe reacting how anyone logically would doesn't matter when LO is designed to coddle H/P, and anyone against them must suffer for it, even if the victim to H/P's actions. they never wanted her to be "redeemed", they want her head on a silver platter.

3. i know this is not what she intended bc the only characterization rachel has of hxp is "the best over everything" but uh, does she know having hades control all the petroleum and gasses and whatever else is actively destroying the planet, right? like hes helping the very thing persephone draws her power from and what she's connected to be destroyed to appease hes need for wealth and power. its kinda gross hes being romanticized while he commits horrible acts like this for his bank account.

4. its not impossible to go opposite in their original myth personalities and still have it work. like in hades game, sisyphus is one of the most likable characters, achilles is gentle and kind, ares is calm and rational, etc, but it makes sense within the context of the story. LO in comparison goes "all these loving mothers are evil because i said so! this beloved god is now evil because i said so! minthe is evil because i said so!" and that's about it in terms of logic to these wild changes.

5. I can kinda get behind anon's theory about the flower nymphs looking like P to help her be undetected, the problem is there are also unrelated women in comic who are bright pink and look just like her, with hades even confusing them for her! if i had to bet the only reason they look like that is because rachel just wanted daphne to look like her to hammer home apollo is "obsessed" with P and to fake them as her "real family" over demeter. also just laziness in designing characters in general.

6. its weird hades and persephone are well aware what they're doing is bad even openly admitting it and yet the narrative is so hellbent on excusing their bad actions?? like hades being the major toxic factor in his relationship to minthe, persephone killing people, or hades wanting to bone an eternal 19 year old? like rachel you know thats not how character growth works, right? you cant show they have horrible flaws and leave them to never grow and learn from it, that's not good writing at all.

7. what i also dont get is the hierarchy makes no sense? like zeus is framed as the top god, but that would mean hades cant be the most important man ever so rachel also made him equal rank with zeus (and i guess poseidon too) so?? how does zeus have all that power over them then if theyre all equal? is it because zeus swallowed metis?  also how are the fertility goddess so powerful and rare yet so easily taken down? how are they overpowered and super weak at the same time? i just dont get it.

8. Re reading chapter 144 and other anon is right we do see the pomegranate pin on Hades outfit (so Hades gifts it to her)

But also some things to note

During the makeout session persy begins to disappear in butterfly form and hades is like "no don't leave!" And he grabs her, preventing her from leaving. Which is..kinda Ick considering they were on their way to having (public) sex and he doesn't want her to leave which seems like he's not really respecting her boundaries? (because if she does he'll "be lonely")

The pomegranate pin is Hades' to begin with so technically one of Persephones symbols is not hers (yes I know in the original myth she ate it in the underworld / was forced to eat it but still its supposed to be her symbol)

Hades notes that he "doesn't want to overstep his boundaries as host" because Persephone is a guest (too late for that)

Persephones main concern (after what a week or 2?) after being raped is when Hades wants to stop her reaction is "dont you want me anymore?"

Girl you aren't even dating ...??

Persy's literal one and only concern is that she thinks if she doesnt sleep with Hades right then or when/if he wants to that "she wont be able to give him what hes used to" ... Which is reinforcing that she went to therapy to get "over being blocked" in regards to having sex

Although Hades does mention that she shouldn't feel like she needs to please him and that a kiss can just be a kiss which would be nice

(And yet his thinking of marrying her amd he's known her for 2, 3 weeks? ... And he says "the beginning of a new relationship is exciting and scary" so hes basically indicating thay their dating at this point, I think?)

And later the nymphs in the store are like "do you wanna be the dominatrix of the bedroom?? Buy this lingerie!" And persy does. So??

Meanwhile Demeter is very worried for her daughter who is busy sitting in Hades lap in a pool. 

9. Can we talk about how anons are making fucking flow charts for the LO Timeline cause it's so ridiculously jumbled?

10. im not even against rushed relationships, ive known actual couples who met and were married all within the same year and it worked out great, the difference though is these were people who had their own lives and previous relationships. the issue with LO is RS designed it so Persephone can NEVER have relationships or a life outside of Hades, and if they did get married offscreen, it's framing their marriage in a toxic and unbalanced light. That's not a romance, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

11. i feel like there's a difference between drawing an interesting hooked/aquiline nose versus whatever the hell RS puts on Hades' face. It honestly looks like he's in between morphing into a bird half the time since it just looks like a beak over an actual facial feature.

12. are there shareholders or a board of advisors or something at underworld corp? because if there is id say they have more than enough reason to kick hades out and strip him of his titles/shares because of all the shit he's caused by being guided by his broken pp over thinking with his head. liking dating TWO employees? and getting one of them phsyically crippled by the other bc he can't be honest with either of them and she's a walking time bomb? he's a walking HR nightmare.

[figula]

today -

1. i mostly finished an 8-wig order that’s been driving me nuts for the past few weeks :D still need to trim and curl them all (cries) but the wigs themselves are finished which is the bulk of the work, downhill from here. so im gonna make some stock wigs today and hopefully replenish my bank account a bit. i get ch/ess payment on the 31st too so that will help as well, then i think next week we should be able to buy our new 3d resin printer which im hype about. hype and scared ill fuck it up somehow lol

2. in slightly weird news, there is a row of bruises in the crease of my inner thigh and im a bit freaked out by them... praying 4 no blood cancer... i think the actual, slightly ridiculous reason, is that i shaved everything last week and became itchy in that entire triangle area, and scratched my inner thighs too much, and bruised them :/ im a bit annoyed at myself for this but i have enjoyed being very smooth this past week + i am considering doing it more lol. the itchiness is bad though... i could wax instead...

3. ocado is coming any minute, i booked an extremely early delivery bc im awake at extremely early times atm, and im very excited

4. i was explaining to ben the other day my theory that if i could get rid of the ocd id be almost entirely “normal”, and he agrees w/ me less about this than ana does lol. ana more or less agrees w/ me that the OCD is the Only Big Issue atm + that if i can make some real headway on it then ill be in a really good position to live a life that im satisfied w/

ben on the other hand is much more cautious about my optimism i think - he thinks the ED is still a problem too and that i need to engage w/ it rather than either ignoring it or hoping/expecting that dealing w/ obsessions + compulsions will naturally improve the ED also

my feeling is that i dont see how an improvement on obsessive / compulsive thinking + behaviours wouldnt improve obsessive + compulsive behaviours re: bodily dissatisfaction, as well as the more typical spheres i deal w/ them in (fires, plugs, food, germs, ben generally). like is it so different? my feeling is that whilst there are non-overlapping features there’s a lot of overlap too and that i dont see the point in making the Food Shit and the Obsessive Shit into two entirely different things - that feels like both entirely not how anybody’s mind works + also not like sensible logically, bc i think there’s a lot of the same mechanisms at work. you feel bad, you obsess, you perform some kind of relieving behaviour (perhaps starving, etc), and you’re reassured for a little bit. like: this is the same thing lol!

however i do agree w/ him that the areas that dont overlap (e.g. my long-term misery w/ my body, my inability to value myself for areas outside of appearance, my refusal to let him see me naked in the light, the way that i was brought up wrt thinking about food and weight and appearance etc) needs some work. i think it’s actually harder for me to imagine a life in which i dont experience some kind of body dysmorphoa than a life w/o obsessive compulsive behaviours to be honest?? like at least the more general obsessions feel crazy, and im like “lol that’s crazy!” even whilst adhering to the stupid rules ive made up, but to act as tho ED behaviours aren’t culturally sanctioned and celebrated is just not stupid, bc they are, and i dont see a meaningful distinction btwn diet culture (aka “normal” behaviour wrt food) and “eating disorders” other than the weight of the person in question. and i guess i find it hard to imagine myself being able to separate myself entirely from the weight of public perception and judgement.

i think i can probably still make some headway - but i think i imagine it being more of a problem, and im not sure what “work” or “engagement” ben is imaginine, bc i have no idea either to be honest. i think probably, and i hate saying this, bc it’s gonna suck, it’s gonna be things like ... letting him see me naked lmfao :( like literally 10y in and im still like :) lights off :) so ridiculous

[otasnox]

its feeling jealous again time :( i wish i was normal i dont want to get annoyed by my friends if i think too hard!!! i love them so so so much!!! but also im a little sick of hearing about transformers (i call with two friends usually and most of what they talk about is transformers) and normally im fine with it!!! god knows im the same way with my interests and 99% of the time it doesnt bother me!!! but the one thing that gets under my skin is when the two of them like they like each other way more than they like me. when they sound like they talk way more often than i talk with either of them. i get jealous you know like :(

i love them but i miss them? even though we talk all the time? maybe im just lonelier than i thought idk. i feel like i have very few friends these days (the only friends i have that i've talked to in the last 3 or so months are my online ones (i love my family dearly but they're family before they're friends if that makes sense?) like. i think i could count the number of times i left the house since i last saw my two irl friends (october 28th 2023) & i think the number would be less than 40.

cause i never go outside because i never have anything to do off my computer. i had doctor's appts for my broken foot but those are getting less and less frequent as it heals. i have physical therapy but that'll stop soon too (because i'm healing). i started my drumming lessons again next week, so i guess that's good. i like my drum lessons. my teacher is really fun and chill and nice, he's like a cool older brother (or maybe more like an uncle?) idk.

but like? i couldn't tell you the last time i went outside just because i wanted to just because i felt like it and not because my mom invited me out on the deck (which was like. twice.) or because i had somewhere to be (that was decided on by my mom).

idk i don't want to go outside because i haven't washed my hair since. last fucking year i think? (i've bathed since then but a lot of the time it's hard for me to work up the energy to do my hair) and then i don't bother showering because i never fucking leave the house. it's miserable

and on top of that? i think this is the most physically unfit i've been in my LIFE. like on top of weighing 300 pounds, i had to stay off my foot for like 2 months because i broke it and needed surgery. but i can't blame it all on my injury because the fact of the matter is that i'm a fat lazy pig who doesn't ever get up off his ass and do anything. my sister called me lazy the other day, don't even remember what we were talking about but i asked her why i would or wouldnt do something, i dont remember, and she said "because you're lazy?" and it felt like a shot to the heart.

like yeah i'm fucking fat. i weigh 300 fucking pounds, no shit. but do i like it? hell fucking no i've been trying to lose weight so desperately since february of 2022. and that's not even my first attempt, just my most recent!!! ive been trying to lose weight since MIDDLE SCHOOL.

but i'm fucking depressed as all hell and have adhd and no motivation or energy or any fucking self control so i just eat and eat and eat until i feel sick and then i get on call with my friends (some of the only times i feel actually happy) and my girlfriend talks about how she's so forgetful she forgets to eat and she was even a few pounds underweight at one point. she mentioned she had boney hips today and all i could think was how fucking jealous i was. to be that effortlessly skinny. to have that fucking self control. i wish i wasnt a fucking pig

like i need to stress i was so desperate to lose weight i joined edtwt. didn't work. didn't help at all. just made me feel worse and have worse goals. but in the end i'm enough of a fat fucking pig that even if i had successfully starved myself? id still be obese

my mom had me try a nutritionist once, to see if it would help. it didn't. not one bit. just made me feel more horrible about myself and how little self control i have. she just told me to portion my food better, snack less, eat healthier. you think i haven't fucking tried that? i've tried EVERYTHING. i just have zero fucking self control around food and it makes me sick to think about

i was supposed to have a doctor's appointment in november to see about getting ozempic (or something similar). got pushed back to december when i broke my foot. got cancelled altogether when december rolled around and i was still recovering from foot surgery. we haven't rescheduled.

idk. everything i hate about myself i feel like ties into how i look and how fucking fat i am its honestly disgusting. i hate this stupid fucking fat all over me i seriously just want to kill myself over it

like how can i even look in my friends' faces when i'm heavier than both of them combined? (not a joke. i'm dead serious.) they won't want to be friends with me when they see me, in days-old clothing, greasy hair, smelly in general but especially my breath, dandruff, and how fucking fat i am. they won't want to be seen with me. my girlfriend's never gonna wanna hold me in her arms when i look like this (and even if i lost all the weight, i've still got this ugly fucking personality underneath anyway. so what does it fucking matter.

i don't know. my therapist said i need to be kinder to myself but i really don't have anything good to say. i like my hair color my hair's so greasy right now that's all i can think about when i look at my hair. i have nice eyes. i'm more than terrible at making websites with html/css (not even good. not even fucking okay. i suck at it but i'm better than someone who knows nothing). i suck at being nice to my siblings, i guess, because they're never fucking nice to me. i'm good at giving my mom hugs, i guess, like, wow,that's a good fucking skill to have (sarcasm). i'm not good at any of my hobbies (art of any kind or otherwise). i'm not good at saving money. not good at spending it wisely. not good at cooking (not bad, but not good.) not good at going to bed at a normal time. not good at having a healthy diet. not good at not snacking all day. not good at making myself do things i want to do; i just sit around and watch youtube and chat on discord all day until my friends can call. i'm not good at going outside, but i'm not good at being inside either. "oh, well you don't have to be good at everything, as long as you're having fun, that's what matters!" okay well i'm not good at ANYTHING. and i'm not even having fun

like why is life worth living? i'll never kill myself only because i'm a coward and the permanence of death scares me. though, i'm too much of a coward to cut myself, so that's not surprising. another two things i'm not good at.

what makes life fun? i like reading fanfiction & looking at fanart. that makes me happy, if only for a moment. i like talking to my friends. i like listening to music, i like watching & playing video games. i love reading about foreign languages. but i'm not GOOD at any of those things! not even good compared only to the people in my friend group! not even CLOSE to good!

i seriously couldn't name one thing i'm actually, honestly good at. not one thing. "oh, well you're a jack of all trades!" no i'm fucking not! i don't have skill in ANY of these things i just tried them out. some stuck, some didnt. whatever! whatever.

is that so much to want in life? to want to be good at something? not even the best, not even CLOSE to that, just... good. i want to be loved, i want to be wanted, hell, i want to be liked. but you know what? if i killed myself and never came online again, would my friends miss me? probably. but they'd get over it fast. they'd forget about me. they'd move on. that's how life goes for random nobodies like me, i guess.

idk. i just wish i could be loved by someone. even to be loved by myself would be nice. i wish i could be good at something, what am i good at, fucking grammar? like that's a good skill. and not even one i bother using 99% of the time! i spend my days online, who the fuck cares about capitalizing proper nouns? not me.

i don't know where i was going with this. i think i an just incredibly sad and lonely. isn't that pathetic? what a loser i am

aghhh.....