#i dont know how im still awake | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

noxx-33i · 8 months ago

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Swocket dump 1

I miss swocket very much

#phighting #phighting!#fanart #phighting fanart #roblox fanart #roblox #phighting art #sword phighting #rocket phighting #swocet #fuck #swocket #there #ok guys eyccuse me its 6am.#i dont know how im still awake #but i guess i just am

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nightmare8-420 · 1 month ago

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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.

#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family #(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything #like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but #even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore #oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck #UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough #but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while #maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from #whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions #i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep #which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues #i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not #getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.

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strangerhands · 9 months ago

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if any of you ever notice me liking, un-liking, and re-liking your posts, (sometimes multiple times a day. sometimes multiple days apart.) please (try to) ignore me. i am sorry. i am insane. thank you. have a good day

#i like actually have issues #i need to ''line up'' and semi-organize my likes (which act as my bookmarks)#and like. it drives me insane when things arent how i Need them to be.#like for example three fics of the same character need to be one after the other and stuff #it goes kinda deeper and more insane but just to give you a general idea #so catch me constantly liking and unliking and reliking things a billion times #also do it to like put some things back at the top of my likes because so much gets buried so quickly and i just need to remember its there #both with things i that havent read yet and with things that i want to reread #i feel like so insane and annoying about it all the time🧎but like its just something that i Need to do...#like it actually kind of upsets me #if i dont. but also when i do.#it also honestly makes me scared/nervous that people will get really annoyed and or weirded out by it if they see/notice it happen:/#i definitely have further mental issues #anyways #basically just im sorry and please ignore me #talkin shit #maybe i should talk to someone about this. or go down the research rabbit hole. aaaaaaaanyways.#goodnight!#it is 8am and i dont know how im still awake!#this was a certified talkin shit post #absolute wall of tags jesus #sorry :p #if you read all of this. i am sorry and i love you (big deal for me)#(another issue of mine)#🧍#hashtag unnecessary off putting weirdo rant😝#my specialty #okay bye #just had to edit this post a billion times.#woah tag limit reached. its a sign for me to shut the fuck up. note taken. thanks tumblr.

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windupaidoneus · 1 month ago

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sorry if i am weirder than usual right now GRINS EVILLY but not too evilly. i dont know whats up with me today but its like a whole thing it might be the four hours of sleep if im honest

#ive been awake for 12 hours im realising hmmmm #i did all the dishes then cleaned the mop & took a shower. i am now lying down until my feet & back stop hurting #bc like. ok i did the dishes but in the sense that i got them dishwasher ready right. i still need to get the dishwasher going #but since my mother never lets anyone else do it i dont know how to. ill figure it out though of course. grown ass man.#feeling very physically disabled atm bc. i am. but also feeling accomplished. i intend on cleaning my room as well #no ones home so.. smiles #but yea idk why i decided to do all thst. ive been jittery & antsy & like i need to do everything forever at once #& im also socially weird(er than usual) i can notice it but theres not much i can do about it bc the urge to yap.#its nothing HARMFUL i dont think since im not getting mad at ppl yknow im just a bit of an odd thing right now #do u forgive me for being a weird little mentally ill freak 💞💞💞💞😊🐏 say yes im nice

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dogboots · 2 months ago

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to be honest with everybody I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else

#talking #when i was young i would play the same games over and over and i would think obsessively about what was beyond the area provided #i wanted so desperately to see the inside of the apartments in castelia city i would spend hours thinking about it #imagining what im missing #thinking with certainty there would be more to the game if i could just get to the points out of reach somehow #that same feeling of believing theres more out there but being locked out of it by some third party keeps happening #ill have dreams that feel infinitely more familiar and certain than the memories and experiences i have in real life #ill be gone for months only to wake up and learn none of it happened and it was just another product of my imagination #feels like im going nuts when i say i dont think the life im living is correct or accurate or. what word do i want #genuine? i dont feel like this is as real as it presents itself to be #i really dont know how to explain any of what im feeling without sounding like ive absolutely lost my mind. honestly maybe i have lost it #i just know that in my dreams the 'abnormal' events that occur feel infinitely more organic & real than the events that occur when im awake #like at some point in my childhood i fell into this parallel universe and nobody ever came to retrieve me so now this is how i live #all the surrealist media was right. i think im supposed to live somewhere more infinite and less. real? grounded?#i dont know. thinking about it makes my chest hurt #i dont know what the hell any of this is todays tag talk sort of got away from me and for that i applogize #ill toss it in the queue since ive been so chatty lately #saw this was still in the queue so im coming back to say i watched a movie about things like this #and i truly felt like i was dying #very fun

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parasitic-saint · 11 months ago

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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry

#the parasite talks #i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd #this is getting so sad #i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this #please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays #i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least #rn i will have to force staying awake #maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore #coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me #i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself #i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C #i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed #and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this #and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin #miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit

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orcelito · 7 months ago

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The upstairs thumping started again around midnight, right when I started trying to sleep. It's even more infuriating when I have to be up at 7 am. I've been getting absolute dogshit sleep this week, and it's largely because of them. It's been 4 nights in a row, and I am So Fucking Tired.

I'm going to leave a note on their door tomorrow asking them to stop. And if they do it again tomorrow, I'm submitting a noise complaint. I don't fucking care.

#speculation nation #ive been crabby and feeling physically awful.#i woke up with a nosebleed this morning bc of everything.#and i have to be up in 6.5 hours for occupational therapy and still it is Thump thump thump thump thump #it's worming into my brain and messing things up and i.#i am putting on music. to have a Good Noise. so i dont go full autistic meltdown over this again.#it's harder to sleep with music on but it'll hopefully make it Possible.#bc i really would like to get Some sleep thank you.#i really am so fucking pissed off at them. there was none of this noise all throughout the day #but it starts up. riiiight at fucking midnight.#is it cockroaches in your mind? preventing you from considering the people you could be keeping awake?#youre lucky im leaving a note before resorting to filing a noise complaint. i really would like to do much worse.#god. i can still hear it over the music. i dont know how im supposed to fucking sleep like this.#it's an absolute nightmare for an autistic person with an auditory trigger for repetitive noises #+ is both an incredibly light sleeper and an insomniac.#id cover my head with blankets to block the noise if that wouldnt risk suffocating me. lol.#negative/

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killjoy-prince · 4 months ago

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Ray's After Ending is so funny because for a good chunk of it, most of the RFA members are knocked out by V's sleeping gas (Saeran is immune, Saeyoung isn't present bc he was kidnapped by his agency under his father's orders and MC wakes up in like an hour) but the game has a call feature where you can call the characters and it would be a waste if you couldn't use it bc the characters were unavailable so instead they have other people pick up the call (Jumin's driver picks up Jumin's phone, Jumin's father picks up Zen's phone, Yoosung's friends and mom pick up Yoosung's phone and Jaehee's coworkers pick up Jaehee's phone) and we do get to learn about the characters from outsider's point of view but it's so funny to me that these people are visiting their loved ones and suddenly the phone rings and they decide to just. answer it. and start talking to this stranger they've never met

#prince's talk tag #maybe its not actually weird people just pick up their loved one's phone call for them but i personally wouldn't #i cant stop thinking about how its Jumin's father that uses Zen's phone like Chief Han what were you doing in Zen's room??#i know they needed to assign somw character to Zen and he's not on speaking terms with his family #but I would of thought Chief Han would go to Jumin and the driver could go to Zen #does this mean something? am i thinking too hard about this?#also rip yoosung his friends and mom lowkey kinda dragging him in their call with you #and with the friends since one of them is a girl one of the options is like 'A girl?!?! are you dating??' and shes like 'no lolol'#'he's nice but i dont see him like that'#the main thing that made me make this post was thinking about Yoosung's mom saying how Jumin calls her sometimes and sends her holiday gift #like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! idk man that just plays on a loop in my head #i know thats like a very professional thing to do. Jumin was raised to please people in a business capacity #and the he cares about the RFA so yea it makes sense. im sure he has gifts sent out to companies his works with #and I'm sure if the other members had a good relationship with their parents hed do the same with them #but in the RFA Yoosung and I guess V are the only ones with parents they talk to #idk if he sends a gift to V's father tho bc we never talk to him #but man. while i know hed do it with the other members if he could just the fact he does it with Yoosung is sweet #and it makes the part in Seven's route where he calls Yoosung's mom about her son's dilemma make sense to me bc they do talk once in a whil #so its not too out of the blue when he does it i guess #but man can we talk about how awesome Jaehee is? bc her coworker that picks up her phone spends every call gushing about her #like we knew she's great at her job but man hearing her coworker talk about her fills me with such love and admiration #and she's apparently really loved by the other assistants too like they all gush about her #jaehee is the best character in the game im not joking around #they wanna get close to her but bc she's their boss it's hard T_T #and the one that picks up the phone wishes Jaehee knows she was the one that stood with her overnight when she wakes #Yuni (the assistant you're talking to) says she would of quit the job had it not been for her #LIKE!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!!#it was a nice way to use the call feature during the first two days of the characters not being awake to answer #and even though this is supposed to be the last thing you play before completing the whole game #you still learn something new about the characters you've known since day 1

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just-spacetrash · 1 year ago

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💔

#waaahhh feeling BAD again.....#like few months ago my friend asked if i had new years free and i ASSUMED that meant we were like planning smth together?????#and today she mentions in a GROUP CHAT that shes spendingnnew years with her bf #and like. ok. fine. good for them i guess #but i just rly wished she woulda told me like before #and it happened while i was at a Christmas party toooo.... now im sad and just not drunk enough #feeling lonely #i rly thought i had like things going up things looking good finally friends and shit #and like obviously i know her bf is the most important person to her thats how it works #but likee feels bad yk #cause apparently to her this wasnt even that big of a deal cos she didnt bother mentioning it yo be before #and i have no one #my other friends invited us both (thats how i found out) but theyre a couple too so i dont wanns go third wheeling their new years yk #i just #u think its going so well #and suddenly i just feel like ughhhh #this is cringe even writing i might delete this tomorrow when im sober and awake #but like. everyones got someone and ive been trying to click with someone for 20 fucking years #and still #:(((((((((#and like it feels bad not being anyones most important person #and like i know so many ppl are in this situation im not trying to be like wahhh my suffering is unique but like it just feels bad #very bad esp when ur tired as fuck and alone and shit #:(((((#my post #everything SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

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kxllerblond · 7 months ago

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oooh there about to be some mfing ND on ND crime at work if this fucker keeps trying me

#high anxiety noise sensitivity high sense of justice ND #meets vocal stims and 'doesnt do his job because he knows he can get away with it and push shit onto other ppl' ND #like he NEEDS a job coach and he needs help but there's like. INTENT in this shit he does. like he KNOWS and i feel like #all the NT's at work just ignore it and let him do it because they dont fucking realize it IS something he can help and change #he has focus issues and memory issues. all valid but not at all related how he actively ignores direction or gets sassy and how ill watch #him fuck shit up after having looked around to make sure no one sees him. shit he's been told SOOOO many times how to do/etc. AND HE KNOWS #i have told this bastard sO MANY TIMES to not abandon me in the evening to cover his TEN+ MINUTE BATHROOOOM BREAAAAAAAAKS!!!!!!!!#and he just walked out before i could even say No. I won't be Covering Your Position. Get a Manager.#and i was late getting home #wishing ill intent on him!!!! im tired of everyone having to fix his shit or deal with his gross behavior or get extra work #just because management doesnt know how to deal with a bad employee who HAPPENS to be ND and because corp wont get him a job coach #it's not FAAAAAAIR AND IM OVER IT!!!!#cw negativity #anyway the plus side of coming home pISSED is im awake and ready to write #and like MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE QUIT /because/ of this dude like idk if there's legal shit involved or like fucking what but like i have #no idea why he still has a job. he's been there longer than me btw. i think at some point he said like fucking 5 years #PERISH!!!!

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semiotomatics · 8 months ago

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slept like 15 hours, which is great, but also (seemingly) spent that entire time having one long, incredibly vivid nightmare, which is. not so great

#and the thing abt nightmares is that they stick around #even tho im awake now. i know im awake now. i still feel like im there #or i guess more specifically i still feel like the things that were true in the nightmare are still true here #namely: that i had a stage 4 brain tumour and had been given weeks to live #which. i get _why_ thats what i dreamed abt #id been looking up my recent symptoms and a brain tumour was mentioned as a potential cause uhhh multiple times #not that i actually think i have a brain tumour #i dont #but still #i guess my brain held onto it #its dumb cause most of my nightmares are simple straightforward shit like someone's chasing me n trying to kill me or w/e #or theres some apocalyptic disaster #things that suck in the dream but that are usually p easy to “leave behind” once i wake up #like i know no one's chasing me anymore bc im lying in bed not running around or hiding or w/e i was doing in the dream #but this one was so. normal #i was on _discord_#i had to tell my _friends_#my brain keeps trying to file it away as a waking-world memory instead of a dream-world one #not to mention it clearly wants to pick up where it left off #like no. you dont have to tell me what wouldve happened next. you dont have to remind me of how i felt in the dream #_it didnt happen_#anyway #glad i got so much sleep at least

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truckstoptigers · 10 months ago

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i hate being fine all day & then all of a sudden feeling miserable

#what the fuck am i doing with my life lol #it doesnt make me want to d*e but it makes me feel so fucking heavy #like im just not doing what im supposed to be doing. my peers are still ahead of me despite the fact that im 22 #i cant drive yet i dont live on my own i dont work right now theres so much i dont know how to do and its overwhelming #i feel like ill never catch up because im sitting here constantly fucked up abt what was happening to me 10 years ago #it makes me want to fucking cry and im so tired of feeling like that so often #it never truly ends #milo murmurs #csa vent #i get angry too bc i know none of my abusers regret what they did to me #it doesnt keep them awake at night. it doesnt pop into their mind randomly. it doesnt interfere w their daily life #it didnt give them chronic fucking pain!!!!!#but at the end of the day im just sad im like this bc i dont know how to fix it

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 11 months ago

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oh my god i think i just had an epiphany

#bear with me i have been awake for 26 straight hours now. but.#ideal gender presentation: i want to be a drag king who looks like a vampire from the lost boys. but like. permanently #do you understnad me. can anyone hear me #not even ljke one of the specific characters or anything . just. 80s vampire.#who if you put nect to the cast of the lost boys youd be like “yeah he belongs there”#i have also. VERY recently started using he/him pronouns to refer to myself #and this is a very new thing so i havent asked anyone else to do it yet but. smile emoji. idk. feeling more masc than usual lately .#they/them is still default but if u ever wanted to sprinkle in a little hes and hims for flavor... i would not complain.#trying it out. like a new flavor of tea i dont know if i like yet #i NEED to meet someone who does drag i need someone to put me in drag makeup bc i dont know how to do it myself #and im afraid if i do it bad itll scare me away from ever trying again .#i fumbled a little bit with my cwilbur costume for halloween 2022 and it felt good but also i didnt do Much. i need someone talented

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anadorablekiwi · 9 months ago

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Nightly existential despair has hit because i live in a broken world where the only job i can emotionally handle is part time produce clerk and my current income is so low i dont have to make student loan payments yet

#tw vent #vent #oh and im gonna need to buy a car soon #id prefer to save 1000 first #500 for down payment and have enough in savings to cover a car payment in case of emergency #currently i have 100 in savings and got paid $250 today for the last two weeks (16 hours total over said two weeks)#i also work a half shift tomorrow #and next week will be another low hours week #i dont know how much yet which makes it worse #i need ti sleep but im wide awake #but its 11pm #i could take a sleeping pill but it might just make me sleep worse #if it does anything at all #and my home life is shit and my siblings piss be off snd stress me out #my mom is the only consistently good thing in my life right now and shes just as much if a mess as i am if not more #so we cant usually lean on each other because we are both just trying ti survive #im getting increasingly less patient snd more fed up with my biological father and siblings which will only make things worse #the only reprieve i can get is my video games but if i spend too much time playing them my depression is worse still #but if i dont play them my depression is worse #*hugging my knees face on knees rocking back and forth*#sorry im always such a mess #i shouly probably post this to my vent sideblog #*proceeds to post to main*

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sinfulforrest · 2 years ago

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gehhh I can feel my brain starting to turn pretty fucky wucky and I would really prefer to not have that happen again cause it was really bad last timeee

#forrest speaks #vent #i literally feel up to my eyeballs in stress there's so much shit going on right now and i just really don't like this #got real bad family stuff happening and just general depression shit hitting really hard and pressure from parents to like choose a career #and pressure from uni cause I've not done work for a while and have been in a state about it and ive been too terrified to try and sort #out my probable autism shit cause it stresses me out thinking about it #i just feel like curling up into my bed and never leaving it yknow? its overwhelming and makes me want to cease #feel the need to say that i wont and dont do stupid shit to myself when i get like this because i dont want people worrying n shit #i just usually keep by myself and stay in bed and just mentally beat myself up i guess #god being awake just feels so exhausting right now but im still to awake to sleep #im sorry for dumping this here but i just wanna scream how im really feelin deep down into the void n stuff and this is the best i can do #gonna try drawing a bunch of real self indulgent shit so i can get that happy feeling of making something at the very least #god knows ill need it

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oh-gh0st · 1 year ago

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thinking

#ghosts rambles #woke uo. i am somewhat awake #ive been kind if realizing how im starting to prefer drawing ghostoro instead of shinushi… like #i dont want to stop drawin shinushi all together but i dont think i developed their dynamic enough to be appealing to me #so i draw ghostoro instead because i gave them the “normal couple” dynamic. like theyre not overly in love w each other but #<- they still know that the other loves them compassionately. regardless if they say or show it which leaves room for experimentation #and the fact it has more like plot development to it??? CHARACTER PROGRESSION. THATS THE WORD #ive said what ghost’s purpose was in oso san before but ill say it again. they help choro be put into his place and humble him So much #come 5 years later hes a completely changed man #maybe because they bounce off of each other well. both are short tempered but one knows how to control it and the other lets it get to him #IDK… ive been seeing it a lot more lately #again i dont wanna stop drawing shinushi buts its like. i need to work on it before im passionate ab them as much as i am w ghostoro

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