#do you understnad me. can anyone hear me

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

oh my god i think i just had an epiphany

[statticscribbles]

Soundtrack Chpt 4

Summary: Reader and Scott have relationship issues of more than one kind

You hadn’t meant for anyone to see anything, of course with you dating Scott Reed the whole school quickly made a point of squealing and giggling anytime the two of you kissed. You’d become somewhat of a celebrity couple at Liberty High and you were torn between enjoying it or hating it. For now you enjoyed it.

You only had a cold, but having a fever meant that your parents refused to let you go to school. You weren’t really complaining and were relieved you could just lay around and sleep for the moment.

Of course when your phone lights up  you scowl and pull it over, seeing three missed calls and four unread texts from Alex.

“What happened?” You try to avoid sneezing on the call and can hear Alex muttering and mumbling things.

“Sorry hold on.” You grumble, and try to sit up, realizing your headphones are still half plugged in so you unplug them to be able to hear Alex fully.

“Hey Y/N. Scott got into a bit of a fight, he’s not hurt, well not physically, but his pride is pretty wounded, maybe you could go visit him?”

“Mhmm, would but I’m sick Alex.”

“Sure, I bet you’re already getting dressed aren’t you?”

“Shut up. Maybe.” You laugh a little struggling to pull up your jeans one handed while still trying to keep your balance even though your head is spinning from your cold.

Scott’s sulking even though he smiles when he sees you in his doorway.

“Your mom let me in.”

“I guessed, you okay?”

“Yeah I’m good, just a little cold. Are you okay? Alex said you got in a fight.”

“It was just a scuffle, not even anything serious.” You huff a little wrapping your arms around him as you both settle back on the bed.

“I’m fine, I swear.”

“Mhmm you better be, or else I gotta have words.” You grin as your threat makes Scott laugh.

“Glad you’re feeling better babe.”

”So where are we going.”

“I told you a surprise.”

“Tellll meeeeee.” You whine hoping to annoy Scott, he grins back at your pouting face.

“-Park. To eat.-” his accent is horrible but you can at least understand the words, you know he hadn’t bothered with conjugations and you don’t blame him, but it sounds adorable to you as he tries to speak proper Russian, you wonder if he’s worried he’s saying something wrong as he’s almost leaning forward waiting for you to say something back.

“-So a picnic?-”

“-Picnic. Yes-” he repeats grinning at you and you can’t help but laugh a little.

The blanket is soft and the sunlight is warm, it’s so nice to be taking a break from everything and just laying on the ground.

“Y/N! Hey Y/N is that you?” You blink surprised to see one of your old friends.

“Hey Matt.”

“-What’s up dude, you hanging with friends?-”

“-My boyfriend, but yeah, what’re you doing here?-”

“-Visiting some family, well our annual family vacation, my dumb sister wanted to come here of all places.-”

“I’m Matt, nice to meet you…”

“Scott.” Matt grins as he shakes his hand.

“So you’re Y/N’s new boyfriend right? I saw the status change, means things are serious.” Scott nods but watches how you aren’t paying attention, Matt catches it as well leaning forward and grimacing.

“If you hurt him I will gut you like the pathetic fish you are, understand baseball bitch?”

“Yeah, got it fucker.” Matt releases his hand and then nods.

”Well this is as good a time as any.” You start and Scott turns when you speak, Matt’s been gone for a bit and you’ve both gone back to relaxing.

“I was planning on doing a collaboration with someone..”

“Matt?”

“No uh, someone else.”

“Oh, who is he, do I know him?”

“Her, and probably not, her uh, here’s her page and everything.” You grin and Scott nods but you can already tell he’s not thinking about continuing the picnic with you.

”Heyy Y/N right?” You grin and nod to the girl standing in front of you, she’s laughing a little and pointing to her phone and you’re laughing along with her at the joke she wanted to show you. You turn looking to show Scott but he’s already gone. You know you’ll have to talk to him about it later and you’re not looking forward to it, you were surprised at how jealous he was acting and it was worse that he wasn’t even bothering to talk to you about it.

”It was one collab Scott, not like we’re now besties, she was passing through on her way moving and-”

“You never said anything about it!”

“You never asked! You never ask about me beyond what I can do for you!!! Every day I ask about your stupid baseball shit that i don’t even understnad half of and you can’t even ask me about my singing once! Besides if it is like “sing something for me Y/N” You’re just like my sister and like everyone else treating me like a fucking parrot. Go home.”

“Y/N, let me-”

“NO. Go home. Leave me alone at least for today. I need to think.” You know it’s a little cruel, you’re already over it, already about to apologize but you know if you back up now Scott might use it to walk over you at some other time. So you stick to your plan, sending him away for the rest of the day and then making up tomorrow by surprising him at his morning practice.

Support My Writing?

[misterbitches]

i did it. im caught up. im sad i caught up. i like it a lot. i’m very sensitive to the faults storywise and visually as well as societal implications but it’s good that i get to engage with it and think. i don’t know if they will pull it out but so far so good. i’d like to hear if anyone has any critiques but probably not. now i’m tres interested in aeymhok and also pls keep aey on skewerslide watch i swear to god the energy the actor was radiating i was like was this me looking at my brother when i thought he was gonna lose his mind? is this mymom looking at me? maybe im just extra sensitive lately but i feel like he’s a sad sack but bnot in a bad way. it;s like ugh you’re actually pathetic rn but there’s so much shit! and u can tell even through the stupid behavior he just knows it sucks. so melancholy jesus christ. i will fly to thailand rn and save u i swear 2 god kid

i liek the ensemble nature. interested to see whats ahead. i’m trying to locate the feeling of watching it. it is enjoyable and romantic but it’s also a show i actualyl have to think for. i mentioned this before but they  upload the videos on youtueb pretty crisp and htey dont come compressed, the audio is clean, the production design is nice, and even if its’ a bit emptier than what we would be used to like yea it works. they are asking us to understand and take the show seriously, go through the ups and downs, think and reflect, and think back and also the immediate jokes and thoughts that come up. theyre telling us it’s serious so the two MAJOR things to do that i know they wont do: clean up the fucking edit. i am sorry it’s unacceptable. there’s some lazy fucking syncing and cutting. it’s probably some kid who knows nothing doing it but this is your WORK guys and it’s so far decent work so i don’t think the scenes where it’s clear they were rushing to get it out or something should go out unchecked. dont care that’s filmmakign 101. ur telling us everything abt this is a true work SO FUCKING MAKE IT COUNT IN YOUR EDIT. IT’ S AHUGE PART OF THE EXPERIENCE. 

secondly they NEED to understnad the timing of sound. like honestly. they have to get rid of the gulping “foley” (sounds recreated after the fact but idk if that would be foley? idc) it’s REALLY DISTRACTING. the eye movements. it’s been more sobering and theyve tempered the music but you can tell when they nail certain scenes and then it’s like others hwere they were like ????? WHAT 2 DO? NEED  2 SUBMIT TAPE? UHHHHHHHHH JUST (fast typing) and then we get shit like a double cut in a shot. nah. they KNOW how to do it so you can feel what parts are being rushed and that’s where im like DO BETTER GUYS IT’S IN YOU

the editing thing imo is not minor. the music thing fine. but im hoenstly shocked. that’s really embarrassing and th eeditor should be embarrassed and so should the team. it’s soooo frustrating to see that cos you know they spent time and energy on it. so it needs that consistency.

i can literally onyl talk about this at length bc i genuinely like what i hvae seen and i find the show interesting! i love it when satire makes me think but i brace myself for if it fails cos it can. and even though you kind have have to think more with it there’s less stress and pressure when watching it. i think bc there’s a lot to figure out tempered with the humor so the watch isnt stressful which a lot of TV is to me. but again these shows arent meant to be binged! which is good! and why it is even more imperative u fucking make sure when u publish ur show u get that cut motherfucking TIGHTTTTTTTT MATE

bonus for sure the acting in this show is really beyond than usual. not like stellar. but like with ITSAY it’s like ah yes gravitas. feeling. and they have to bc of the show’s contents. but u can see up takes it seriously. he’s doing really well. i was recently listening to this make up artist who sued to work in film and he was like listen if ur gonna fake drunk u gotta SELL THAT SHIT MAN and ever since then it’s been stuck in my head. up sold it!!!!!! yes indeed my measure of a good actor is HOW GOOD ARE U AT FAKING BEING FUCKED UP / BEING FUCKED UP AND ACTING WHILE UR FUCKED UP LMAO

fun fact that’s actually an insurance disaster. ur not allowed to have driks around a camera bc it’s insured. yes it’s stupid but it’s true. no people dont follow it. 

[turquoisekim]

The truth is, and i am writing this completely out of my mind because I can‘t sleep and I need to put it all out somewhere, I don‘t know where I should go and what I should do. The truth is I‘ve felt quite bad again. It‘s allways an up and down. It got better since my clinic visit but it‘s not at all like I am cured or that I was able to keep being as positive as I came out. To be honest the first day back home was already quite depressing again but at least I feel definetly better than before.

Another truth is, I haven‘ spoken with any of my friends since the last mabye 4 weeks… When it comes to keeping stable contact and especially writing people I‘m still as much of a mess as before. I am just constantly overwhelmed and I don‘t know a way out. It allways starts with me having not enough brain power or energy to write back so I wait one day or two. And then I get scared and I don‘t have energy and I don‘t even really know why but somehow I end up weeks later being an anxious mess who still hasn‘t written any of their friends. I wish keeping contact with people wouldn‘t be that exhausting. it‘s not even that I don‘t like them. In fact I love every one of them. It‘s just that no matter what I do I allways get way faster exhausted by human contact thatn everyone else.

I often don‘t know what to say. Neither as an reaction to someone nor to tell something on my own. Comunication is very hard for me.

I wish I wouldn‘t do so much I have to appologise for…

It‘s funny because today as actually quite a good day. I did stuff, bought stuff, I finally made a call I was so scared of and I also cleaned a litle corner.

It‘s not that much. But for over a week I was trying to get my hans on it. To do atl elast ...something. But as soon as I saw it my brain shut down. It‘s allways like that. Especially when it comes to cleaning things up. I never see the start or the end. I don‘t know what to do or what to start with or what will help me or anything. Since my childhood I allways had problems with that. I need someone who stands by next to me, tells me what to pick up, where to bring it,… but I also can‘t stand it because I feel like only I truly know where to put my things. ...even though I don‘t.

...Well but I did a litle bit of that corner. it‘s a start. It was a good day!

I wish other people would understand that as well. I only hear critics. I only hear how much I din‘t do, what I still have to do, what I should have done,… the only times I get something uplifting really is when I mention it myself and tell people how proud I am. But I can‘t really go to my parents and tell them proudly how I picked up like ten things or so. r that I was able to put something on a better place. They would just make an ironic comment about how it‘s not that much of work.

I know I work on myself FOR MYSELF but it‘s way harder if you don‘t have people who support you

Well I mean it‘s my fault isn‘t it? I cut off (once again) all my friends who could support me. I wish there was a way where I don‘t have to go through all that explaining again and all that. I wish there would be a way to meet all these people without having to write them. I wish there was a way I could explain myself. I wish I could stop doing so. why am I like this? Seriously! I don‘t know why I do this over and over again.

Also I have no Idea what I want to do in the future. No matter what I can think of I feel like either my brain or my body would not be able to do so. ...that‘s why it‘s called disability, isn‘t it? I can‘t imagine any job where I just have to sit somewhere, like an office or something because I would not be able to concentrate or sit for so long. I can‘t imagine myself in a job where I have to do stuff like building omething or repairing something or anything like that because my whole body would hurt after only one day. To be honest I allways rather wanted to do something with my hands. You can see what you did. It makes me happy to do something physically. What I recently thought about, as I still try to ind a job that suits me in the film industry, is finding a job behind the camera where I can use a wheelchair. Like doing the sound or so. obviously not holding the microphone but mabye managing the sound or something like that. I used to think about becomming a cutter. But then again you have to sit down for several hours straight concentrating on that one screen. I wish I could find out if my health injurence would give me a wheelchair if it would make me able to get such a job.

I actually stated thinking about it when I go a letter from them. They want to know what I plan about my future jobwhise. As if know… As if I know all of my future… Should I ask them within the letter?

I also feel like such looser as I still can only describe my job wants as „something in the filmindustry“ I never really have the brain pwer to research quite more.

I hate that my brain is not able to as much work as it used to be able to

I hate that I can barely concentrate 10 inutes straight nowaydays

...hahaha „thinking straight“ ...yeah I am gay. I just wish t would be as easy to be proud of it as it is on the internet. Even my parents who do tell me they are okay with it still say some stupid shit about lgbt people. But to be honest sometimes and sometimes even more often they definetly talk allot of shit in general. The worst is when my father puts it all up as a „joke“. I know he doesn‘t mean it that way. ...well most of the time I know. I ca never be really sure. But my father is generally a good person. But he makes these „jokes“ that might not have a meanfull rooth in his mind but on the outside they are pretty bad. But even i I tell him he can‘t say that he will put it down and tell me that it‘s all just a joke and is personally offended how I can assume he would actually be that bad. it‘s not even that I allways think that. I just think he needs a different way to express himself as his jokes are really offensive and not okay. But I am just not able to comunicate it to him. As I said before

I am not good in comunicating to other people.

So I stay silent way to often. I wish I would be stronger to go against him. I am so weak. I can‘t even tell it my parents. I feel guilty for not speaking up in these moments. I don‘t know how to change myself to be stronger. I need to find a way to stop it. I‘ll keep fighting. Maybe, hopefully, some day I‘ll find the courage to stand up in a way that will make them understnad. Mabe even find a way to comunicate so they‘ll will stop. I really hope this ay will come. I really hope this day will come soon.

I am getting tired so I guess writing this all down worked. I‘ll not overlook this again. This is really bad grammar and wording but I just had to put it all out. it‘s not ALL out but my main thoughts right now I guess… I don‘t know. My brain keeps getting fucked up again and I feel how I loose my way of finding the right words for what I feel and think again.

If anyone ever reads this please like this or something. I am kinda curious. Not that I actually think someone will ever read or see this. But just for the case that someone will… it would be really cool to know that someone did so.

yeah idk.

Sorry.