#i dont even know what id scream about
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Because of this lol
But srsly, hope you are okay!
I'm fine just drained lol
I need to mentally break some shit and scream and I'll be fine
#i dont even know what id scream about#im literally just sleepy#← also me being sleepy makes me irrational and completely overwhelmed with emotions for no reason#which is why “so tired i wanna cry” happens#which i have actually done a lot of times before#and not just a small child#i mean like all the way up to 12yrs old
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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i miss stupid rafaela
#why is exam season always missing the worst people alive who probably havent thought of me in months hours#and i have been banned from texting her but i want to scream so i will do what she'd caricature of me and be immature#and scream about it here#you were supposed to be my sister i genuinely loved you like one what is wrong with you why do i still love you deep down#whatever.#btw i've known about your new blog since basically the day after you made it. im just choosing to try to have some self respect for once in#my life and not contact you because you dont want me to#i guess a part of me will always love you. because i take sisterhood seriously and cant just unlearn that i saw you that way#even if ive mostly moved on#the relapses still fucking suck#but yeah. that part will always hope we can reconnect some day. i know its pathetic but i guess that's me#when i tell someone i will always love them i mean it with my whole heart. ik if you asked id forgive you in a heartbeat#but i also kind of hate you now. and i dont think about you most days. but every so often the universe will remind me of how deeply i loved#you and that sucks#you're pretty much the grudge by olivia rodrigo to me#not the first person i associate with that song but it does describe how i feel about you a little too well#rafaela 🎶#blatantposting
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I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to get out of this house
Soon. Soon it will come.
#hate having to cancel plans because i dont want to risk my parents having a screaming match in the background and ill be far too anxious#from the situation and afraid that itll be turned on me#uni sucked ass but at least i lived somewhere else during it that was so nice i loved that#now im just sitting here without even having dinner plans yet because i have to wait for this shit and im just#man. this is ridiculous#i dont even know what theyre angirly texting about this time but i know its something stupid#if i didnt have this throat problem and waiting for surgery id probably already be looking for jobs and planning to move at this point#but noooooooo lmao cant do that#alright this has been the house of complaining#the prophet speaks#vent
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i need to make a zine about navigating the (professional) world as a trasmasc dyke so bad i feel like i could chew all my fingers off
#if i cant talk about the strange isolation and dismemberment of my identity even in progressive spaces due to the general#populace inability to Grasp what im putting down and how i always have to give something up#unless im with someone i really know and trust. i think ill start screaming.#my work is great. my job is good. the company is very inclusive. but everyone there believes im a trans man.#and i dont want to vivisect myself trying to explain#kora.txt#sorry for making posts im avoiding tasks and waiting for my pain meds to kick in#like. i Chose gender at work because id rather be gendered correctly wrt pronouns and my name and stuff that has a more real and active role#in my day to day than lesbianism. but also its not two separate things to me youre getting me wrong!!!!! yk!!
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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i do a pretty good job at ignoring what i look like but when it hits me it hits like two trucks (having sex)
#a nyx original#emotional nonsense#godd. i am so ugly#my only redeeming quality is my eyes and they barely account for anything#my nose is SO BIG and. thats. ugly. to me.#i dont want anyone hitting me with the “b-but beauty standards are fake!!”#bs on this post i KNOW THAT do you think im fucking stupid#god forbid someone be insecure without sugarcoating it#anyways#my hair is ugly too#thats mostly my fault because i dont take proper care of it#but.. mismanaged straight hair still looks leagues better than mismanaged curly hair#my body's repulsive too i weigh so much more than i should#id be happier if i was skinnier#dont worry. not making any efforts to MAKE myself skinnier. i like food and sitting on my ass too much#maybe my perception of whats pretty is warped but idk even my friends are prettier than i am#and they dont really fit “traditional” standards#OH FUCK MY ACNE TOO#MY ACNE IS SO SO BAD i pick at my skin too which just makes it SOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE#but yeah at the end of the day im just ugly . horribly ugly#doesnt help that my fashion sense is shit too#thisll pass i get over things like this pretty quickly but please let me scream about it while i still can
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Listening to coinstar by the growlers and thinking about mel so hard I get nauseous
Ridiculous stream of conscious in the tags apologies but not really
#it speaks#white woman moment#its really funny bc like. its very much a her to jfk song#(everyones favorite problematic short king)#but she looks at him with uhhh#like heres this kid(hes 28) standing on the precipice o what she had been all those years ago#but he KNOWS it she didnt know she thought she had mold poisoning from her shitty apartment until she died#and she is projecting so much onto him. which is part of why she doesn't respect him at all#'im a sucker just like you'#its also funny bc like. it is Too Late for Phoenix.also its scary that theyre hungry bc as far as she knows death avatars arent supposed 2 b#but also theyre the first one shes met. and Phoenix is kind of just scary in general.#but being around those two is like. almost flashbacky(jfk also reminds her alot of her ex aroun that age tho audreys dad was Worse)#(she never met him but heard enough stories about the guy and i mean. he fed her to the hunt on purpose.#i dont think jorges dad wanted what was going to happen to happen)#part of why she texted her so fast tbh. not that they hadnt talked at all since the divorce.#i thinj they talked. not alot bc mel WAS in europe and international data rates pre smartphone age oof ouch#and also like. they did irrevocably harm eachother physically and mentally but they do both careeeeee#tho. i do not think melissa wouldve ever dropped everything to go help audrey like audrey would and did for her.#(girl who runs away from her problems x girl who is a dog)#auuughhhhhh#she really is my chew toy.#i also think alot about her sky mafia years but those r fun and sexy little secrets for me#as much as i love Basil's motw campaign i do with it was easier to unentangle her from tma lore.#bc like. normal vampire works well but it loses so much of the flavor. various sea beasts keep the flavor but loose the morality.#for pathfinder if i were to redo her id go with storm oracle and then spec into kineticist. which does work Ok I Guess.#but like. even that its still not what i want#one scene that probably would've never happened in game but i thought ahout if we ever went back to the item storage or maybe a wierd thrift#shop or something was to like. have her come across a violin and pick it up and make it scream horribly. like. really concentrate on making#it make the worst noise imaginable. shes trying to reach that wonderful horrible music avatars mention alot in the earlier seasons#and then realizes everyone else Hates That So Much and jokingly play one of the devil's riffs from tdwdg. tbh i should finally draw that
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#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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#also blah but on god every day im even closer to deleting dfu. when i remember the content i have in it i want to run to the hills#i dont want to be That Person who deletes fics but at this point im not sure if i need to include a note like: please bear with me#this was published in 2016 when i was 19 i am so sorry#it's not like anyone is fucking reading it any more but ugh#maybe i will add a note#miscellaneous#i also dislike it though when you open a fic and an author is like 'this sucks sorry' - that annoys me as a reader#but also the content in dfu feels like it fucking warrants it. and im scape goating around what that content Is but like if you are#reading my rambling for whatever fucking reason and you read that fic then you Know#id like to think i treated it with nuance but every day i think about it it's like 'hm. could've been way fucking better buddy'#*screams into my pillow*#[edit] okay i included a note..... it doesnt make up for Everything. but it does make me feel better having it
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see if ff13 were more popular we couldve had an official translation
but noooooo i have to go crawling around desperately so i can get my hands on hope estheim chapters with fear of translations being spewed bad 🙄
#should this be going to the side blog? yes but i dont care. you will all know i have a terrible obsession with this character#like if all else. just know i like some guy named hope estheim LMAO#snow speaks#the problem though is that with the last translations i found i fear there may be a shipper's lens on it and im like :I pls. no.#listen i'm just here to read more about what the fuck did bhunivelze even do to hope anyways#which also got skewed in LR because of translations#and i didnt know until my friend had sent me the actual translations#why are translations like this...#OH I WAS TALKING TO WANRU LAST NIGHT TOO ABOUT CRUMMY TRANSLATIONS#aughhhhhhhh#if i could id love to learn more languages to understand first hand#but i dont have time and i suck at learning languages askdjhl#anyways. play ff13. join me in my little cry puddle#anyways back to studying i just needed to scream about the chapters#i wonder if i can search around again for that final confrontation with bhunivelze actually hmmm
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I've been having dreams lately where I throw tantrums about things and no one in them reprimands me or anything, like I get pissed and throw shit.
that wouldn't be what I'd do irl and if I did they'd definitely do something other than stand around but in dream it feels like they're exasperated waiting for it to end like "you're done?"
#speak iza#it helps. i can scream in this little world and no one would have to know#and its at small things too id blow up over like sauce in my burger bc for the 17 years of buying food for me when im not there#and me constantly saying i hate condiments please dont put condiments in it ask them not to theyll fucking forget#that makes me sound like im a whiny shit but its like. you couldnt even remember that about me#i forget what other things in my dreams trigger me to do this but hey shrug it works
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I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).
#diary#personal#on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes#like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me?#like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap#like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange#fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate#idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh.#it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness.#heck i even mask everything inbetween.#honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC#i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me.#idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere#i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things).#i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need.#id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out.#id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend.#id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now.#i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings .#like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order.#HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want????#i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food.#eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted.#yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought.#over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain.#i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me.#like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk.#maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy.#theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless.#i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.
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#like lowkey really wanna stop living idk#idk#i know its not me but she makes me feel so unloveable like ill never be loved by anyone like the minute they get to know me theyll leave#like maybe they only like the front i put up and if they knew the real me theyd hate me like she hates me#i wish id never been born i feel so unwanted i literally just wanna die#if i didnt wake up tomorrow i would be so fucking happy#i dont even know anymore if i had more willppwrr maybe id just fucking kill her or myself and be done with this shit#fucking christ#i say something anything and she takes it and twists it until it paints me as a villain i dont know what to do#i literally said oh i feel carsick and she started screaming at me twlling me not to be selfish i fucking#i was about to puke#i had to shut my mouth for the next hour up the mountains while she talked like nothing was wrong#i dont know if im being unfair to her if my pov is painting her in a bad light or what#but it fucking hurts man#it hurts so much and i dont know what to do i just wanna stop living#why does she hate me so much what did i do that made her hate me so much what can i do to make her love me#shes supposed to be the mature one here but im always the one who stops fighting and withdraws so we can have some fucking peace in this ho#house#i crave the hours when shes out of the house because it means i can just exist without feeling guilty for it
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my hands FUCKING HURTTTTT
#and my left pinky keeps lockin and it hurts so bad and idk what to dooo#i have genuinely been in constant pain for over a year now#but its not THAT bad i think its like a normal amount of pain like i think if i talked about it to my mom shed be like ok so what#and id be like nothin ig just complainin and then id go to my room and cry#i need to call the doctor i should anyways cause i NEED to be on antidepressants or SOMETHING but i genuinely cant get myself to call#and my mom wont help me so ig whenever i manage to call thats when itll happen im pretty sure im gonna die before then#im so sad and my head hurts and my heart hurts and my HANDS hurt my brain hurts and i see people in the dark and i always feel like im bein#followed n touched and i hear murmurin and random fuckin sounds that make NO sense#I HEAR EGGS BREAKIN!! some kinda fuckin fuzz?? static?? sometimes i hear people SCREAM and it wakes me up like i feel it in my ears#ive been so chill about it though#but theres people in my house and i am scared of them cause i know they want to hurt me and my mom is. makin things worse#shes tryna be nice n chill now i think cause she feels guilty about how bad she upset me but honestly that could be wishful thinkin maybe#she just doesnt care and is just in a good mood.#i been havin violent thoughts n made genuine suicide plans and im watchin myself do all this with detached concern#ill be out anywhere n see shit n be like i wonder if id die i wonder if i could die#im havin a bad time#i feel like i dont even really exist#idk what to do#i feel completely paralyzed
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