#i forget what other things in my dreams trigger me to do this but hey shrug it works

[viovio]

I've been having dreams lately where I throw tantrums about things and no one in them reprimands me or anything, like I get pissed and throw shit.

that wouldn't be what I'd do irl and if I did they'd definitely do something other than stand around but in dream it feels like they're exasperated waiting for it to end like "you're done?"

[danger-noodle-uwu]

Trigger warning [mentions of killing/arguments/death/break-ups/cheating/etc]

Satan

Wrath is vengeful, wrath is destruction however this never bothered you or got in the way of dating Satan, The Avatar of wrath himself.

But as one could say, the true nature of a being could never remain under the covers. There was vengeance peering above the surface, and destruction awaiting at an unknown's doors, you did not knew.

Satan had great many contacts and to keep that up, he need to do few favors but not every favor was not-so-bloody. And lost in such an expectations of others did he forget an important day like today.

As always the day started as chaos, which couldn't have been helped either way and the blond had grown sick of that, unknown to the cause of chaos and decided to act upon the list he had, completely overlooking your smile, or the stunning outfit complimenting your figure or the day itself.

Upon this ignorance of his, you really wished face-palm. His demeanor was rather annoying, which only fueled you more to smack him. Really hard.

Today was well-planned, at least that's what you thought before dragging him away from his target and scolding him for leaving you on your own in a place crawling with demons.

Satan being the literal embodiment of wrath yet also your lover said "Get off me. I have things to do. And stop being so damn clingy." "Hey, it's your fault for leaving me on my special day!plus, there's sooo many things I wanna do toda–"

"Please shut up for once in your goddamn life!!" His sharp scream cut you off as his eyes bore into yours; eyes full of hatred and disgust as if you were a wretched grotesque placed before him.

Those words accompanied by his harsh glares was enough to make your heart shatter and knifes to be jabbed in your chest while eyes stung with tears that you pathetically hid by averting them as you asked "what did I do wrong..?"

Who knew that one sentence was enough to make those unshed tears flow and litter your rosy cheeks that he'd usually squish and fawn over but alas, all that comforted you was his back.

"Your whole being is the most ugliest!" Lies. Lies. He knew his tongue spat venom at you with words that could never be true because you're his world but the blinding rage doesn't allow him to say so and thus instead, his hand runs through golden locks out of pure frustration as he finally turned to face you.

There was something terrifying about him that very moment which made you mumble out a small "...I'm sorry..." before running off; the sharp pain in your heart only grew with him staring at you like that. It was all just too much. His wrath was suffocating you but to ruin your birthday without even remembering it.

You did didn't care for how bad your muscles ached as you ran further away from him. All that you wanted is to be alone and cry your heart out in hopes that this agony would subside yet part of you hoped that he cared and would come after you or stop you. Which never happened.

Satan has always been so...uncooperative and complicated towards everyone that it almost made him unreachable at times especially when it comes to Lucifer however today, it became different.

His face was scrunched and tense as Lucifer advised him to give you space before talking things out and perhaps getting you a gift as well for both an apology and your birthday; his body pacing back and forth in his room reconsidering things he's spoke until now, not even bothered to consider this as a special day while his elder patiently waited for him to calm down. They both how much you mean to Satan despite him hurting you and making you feel unwanted.

And would anyone look at the avatar of wrath while he's on his knees; practically begging to set things write and for you to accept his apology. However much like always, you don't fail at surprising him when your lips clumsily crash against his.

That he moment he knew how truly beautiful you are in every sense. From physical appearance to your dream-like soul. Every inch was perfect.

Asmodeus

'Touchy and irresponsible as always' you sighed looking over and frowning at Asmodeus who was so clearly lost in the seemingly endless attention they give him as their hands roam his body while he's biting his lip. He was enjoying this, wasn't he?

The thought of him being touched by somebody else made your stomach churn and eyes sting with hurt and envy; he was the avatar of lust, true but couldn't he not do this on your birthday at least and pay attention to you.

You could bet as to how pathetic you were looking drinking demonus with tears in your eyes and surrounded by demons who could just swallow you whole without your lover even batting an eye. Afterall, he'd rather be someone's bed warmer than your boyfriend.

"Hey...are you okay?" Honestly, you didn't know this stranger's name or anything about him but he still had some concern for your well-being; way more than your beloved however made you self-conscious as how pathetic you may have appeared and let your emotions get the best of you in front of unknown people.

"Yea..." you replied flushed from embarrassment and the crimson liquid that rested in your glass. It was really humiliating and made you feel awfully shy at the same time.

"If you say so, but don't hesitate to tell me if there's anything bothering you or if—" He leans closer to whisper in your ear before continuing "—someone's bothering you..." His voice was authoritative yet gentle much akin to a soft breeze from the human world despite being a demon.

"Oh! And I'm Ethan..." a blush ghosted over his cheeks as he realized that he hadn't even introduced himself while you told him yours as he gave you his number offering to help you just in case.

Truth be told, you were smiling to yourself glancing on the tissue that he wrote his number on and the fact that he even wrote happy to help made you grin wider. It was such a sweet gesture.

However unknownst to you, Asmo seemed to have noticed the whole interaction and was fuming with envy; so jealous that he could put Levi to shame. His face burned with heat and beads of sweat rolled down. He hated how that putrid demon had the audacity to flirt and blush at you yet his anger only stirred further when you smiled at him.

The avatar of lust stormed over to you and dragging you out of the fall, harsh grip on your wrist that would probably leave a bruise and then slammed you against the cold wall in the alleyway.

"What are you—!!" You were muffled by his lips smashing against yours; hands roaming your body as desire burned in your veins. Lips synced and danced against each other into a steamy make-out session however he pulled away.

"Why were you flirting with that guy?! You know that demons can hurt you then why my darling must you do this?!" It was irritating as to how he interrogated you but didn't even consider his own actions and the way he neglected you.

Did he even remember your birthday..?

"You say this as if YOU weren't smothering some random people in front of your girlfriend on OUR date!!" And finally, he realized what he's been doing all day. He was avoiding and ignoring you, too busy and consumed by his own...thoughts while you constantly tried to spend quality time with him.

"Baby...I'm sorry..." He coos gently holding your face and cradling you as tears cascaded your face. You looked so miserable because him and he made an internal promise to treat you better and not neglect your emotions.

"Y-you even forgot my birthday..." you sobbed into his soft hands as his eyes widened before he kissed you again. This time much gently and lovingly; full of adoration and affection but desperate for you.

You knew he meant it but forgiving is easier said than done. Even if you would accept him, it'd much later as for now, you wanted him to show is emotions; his real self that was vulnerable and loving; one that was guilty of hurting you. One that loved you beyond his own sin.

You would be lying if you said your heart wasn't melting for him as his hand intertwined with yours while the other rested around your waist and blush littered his face; all for you.

All of him softened just for you; all those emotions showered upon you because all of his love was meant for you.

Beelzebub

Gluttony is like a venom that spreads in your body; turning one into a hungry beast ready to devour his prey and another into a starved being—but for somebody who personified the sin in itself would be beyond a monster or an other horrendous creature imaginable.

Thus, can you really blame Beelzebub for ingesting the whole food supply of house of lamentation alongside of some cutlery after a seemingly intense workout as well 7 hours of helping satan shift his books in order to clean the empty space.

He was salivating at the sight of everything before as his vision molded it into something edible...delicious and well; in front of him were you, standing there awkwardly as his eyes hovered over you however not in a lustful but more like a locking the meat of your bones manner.

"B-beel, you alright..?" His intense gaze made you feel uncomfortable as you shifted in your place yet he didn't blink once as if his hunger overtook him...making him forget who you were.

You couldn't breathe, couldn't move an inch without him lunging at you with those eyes full of hunger for anything to satiate the emptiness within his stomach including you. However, Luck was on your side since it was your own birthday as Asmodeus happened to pass by the scene hoisting his phone up taking selfish before rushing towards you.

"Darling, Beel, what are you guys... doing?" By the end of his question, he knew what was coming. He is well aquaintated with Beel's endless hunger that violently shook the atmosphere in the whole house.

As you stood unblinking staring back at the avatar of gluttony trembling with fear whilst his ragged breaths were heard in the silence of the hall. The very next second he pounced at you transforming into his demon form; claws beared as if he was readily about to rip your heart out.

Yet somehow you were alive; alive and thrown over like a sack of potatoes on Asmo's shoulder as he sprinted towards his room with an echoing sound of certain rumbling in the background that made shiver in dread.

"Honey, you're alright. You're safe, okay? Phew!" He collapsed next to you on the floor next to you after ensuring the door was properly locked, clearly out of breath while still attempting to comfort your troubled form.

Despite knowing he cannot control his hunger, you couldn't help but tighten your throat or fall victim to the ache plastered within your chest. He loves you, you know it but this...hurt more than expected.

The clutches of gluttony were like shackles that bound him and drove him to try to...the thought alone makes you want throw up or is it because his twin succeeded at a similar task.

"Hey...Mc, don't cry, darling. It'll all be okay, I promise! Forget everything it's your birthday, isn't it?" The blond cradled you in his arms trying to shush away your tears meanwhile you sobbed and cried; planned everything, got up early to bake for him and even got the tickets to a movie he was excited about.

"It's so unfair! So unfair, Asmo!!" Why did this have to happen when all you did was try your best? Why are you doomed to fail at every given task? Was this all your fault?

Such thoughts consumed you wholly as your sobs turned into more cries that dragged Asmo's poor heart along with it; it hurt him so much to see someone he considered family be hurt so much. To be broken that they're reduced to a teary mess on the floor.

In the hallway, Lucifer and Satan towered upon Beelzebub who finally calmed down, happily chomping the food he was given; almost uncaring of his twin that laid kissing the ground with a large bruise forming on his forehead.

"W-where *chomp* is cupcake?" He muttered with a mouthful, thinking you must be hungry and not even remembering what he did as he was a puppet under the control of his sin.

"In Asmodues's room..." Lucifer sighed while Satan raged at the sight of the havoc wrecked upon his book—cursed ones, collector's edition, etc. They were everywhere torn into half or bites into and discarded afterwards.

"They must be sobbing since you were ever so nice to them on their birthday!" Satan mocked knowing how badly his brother fucked up while the orange head gushed the memories right into his eyes. Each moment he made a decision worse than the other.

"Oh my poor Mc, sleep well..." you didn't realize how exhausted you were from the whole event that you passed out between Asmo's arms who later tucked you within the comforting confines of your own bed.

But peace never really lasted long as you woke up, only to be greeted by a decorated room, a cake with several other snacks littered on the table and Beelzebub by your side with apologetic eyes as a melody played accompanied by the voices belonging to the remaining brothers.

"I'm sorry, cupcake...I didn't mean to scare you or hurt you, I just don't know what's wrong with me but please forgive me...I love you..." His eyes bore guilt as he was reminded of an older time, an older mistake before his hands caged yours affectionately before kissing them lovingly.

The orange headed demon never wished to be more than your protector, that gives away his life to save yours but also a lover that wants to build a family with you; one that he loves dearer than himself.

Belphegor

Does fate really hate you? If not, why must it be you who suffers with people misunderstanding you or blaming you for actions not performed by you?

"Come on, it's not that bad...just a stupid nightmare!" You hopped onto your feet before changing into your outfit for the day; one that made you feel good about yourself unlike the haunting nightmares that weren't leaving you alone.

As you left your room trying your best to force a smile out, there was a voice that felt familiar as it belonged to a certain great demon who bestowed the wishes of having the best birthday.

"Happy birthday, h-human!" He spoke loudly as if reminding the others of the day despite the whole hall being empty. The gesture in itself was funny, his hand putting your head like a puppy except for the part he himself looked like one.

"Thanks, mammon." And there it was your signature smile that could possibly make anybody melt, though how could you believe it; a rose can never see its reflection.

Reaching the dining hall, the atmosphere felt tense as if everyone was on edge, all but one person. He was missing entirely. Belphegor wasn't there. Was he still asleep?

Before you could ask, Lucifer announced "Belphegor will not be joining us today." And continued to finish his breakfast with what seemed to be a bothered expression.

"Hey beel, what happened?" You couldn't help wonder what did your boyfriend did this time to piss of the eldest and if so, why wasn't satan assisting the crime. "Belphi, h-he said some really mean things..." beelzebub was feeling guilty fill up his stomach, his appetite dying or perhaps killed by someone else.

"Okay..." you knew that the orange headed demon was hiding something, swallowing his own words however why you just couldn't decipher. His voice was strained that it made you feel very uneasy about what really conspired when you were asleep.

"Levi, can you tell me what really happened? Please!!" You pleaded with puppy eyes as soon as the remaining brothers had dispersed from the dining hall; to avoid the extra ears and overly exaggerated explanations.

"Normie, first off promise me you won't tell anybody that i told you this!" He whisper-yelled as you nodded your head vigorously. "Okay--fine, so belphi woke up in a super sour mood and since lucifer decided to call him to the dining hall himself...he said a lot of mean things..."

Leviathan felt a bitter taste in his mouth knowing his next words would most likely ruin your birthday and put you into doubt of your own relationship and partner.

"He spoke a lot of nonsense about lucifer, you know normie...And he--um, he said you weren't that great and just kinda wasted his time w-which is like total bullshit, right? Like normie, you're like Henry 3.0, totally cool and awesome!" He tried his best to soothe the wound he had to give you in order for the truth to be told.

But there it was, a sound of your own heart being crushed and sensation of wet tears dripping down your cheeks. It hurt you so much to hear that your lover spoke of you behind your back that you couldn't take it anymore and sprinted all the way back to your room; leaving Leviathan to only his worry and concern in the dining hall.

Especially on your birthday, that in itself felt like a cheap move being played on you as you felt needles pricking through your chest, and it hurt so much. It felt like the nightmares were true when they played the same scenario where he used you; he used you like a pawn.

Meanwhile, in the twins' room, Belphegor laid in bed with a weird feeling filling him; one that felt so heavy that he couldn't sleep it off. But why? He just couldn't pinpoint.

"Belphi, have spoken with Mc yet? It's their birthday...you should really go to see them..." the avatar of gluttony had his head lowered as he pouted; visibly hungry but at a lack of food.

"WHAT!" "Yea its their birthday, belphi..?" Belphegor panicked for at least 5 minutes before gathering himself and rushing to the kitchen to make something--a cake, should it be okay but what if you're craving ramen instead..? Or something salty? SHIT

He's never been so frantic and panicked; he felt like a single mother raising 6 children...wait why does that sound familiar? ANYWAYS, no time for that.

It took about 2 hours for the whole thing to be prepared; while he had tasked satan to buy your favorite snacks. In the end, he was drenched in sweat from the whole last minute preparation that he did.

On the other hand, you were passed out on your bed; tears dried up on your face and slightly puffy lips and very gracelessly flopped onto your bed.

Belphegor's heart ached at the sight of you, he knew his words have been heard by someone who didn't deserve them. Who deserved love and not such cruel things.

"Love, wake up...c'mon its your birthday..." He voice was gentle as if a one wrong word could shatter you like glass and his hands caressed your cheeks; before kissing you passionately.

You rubbed your eyes as your boyfriend kissed your forehead and pulled you off of the bed. He was smothering you with kisses somewhat lazily; letting eachone feel feather like on your skin.

"Happy birthday my star, I'm sorry for what is said earlier...I promise you that I never meant any of it...I just--lost myself to anger, I'm sorry." He's efforts were visible in both his voice and your room; the blanket Fort certainly seemed impressive and most likely he had your favorite movie paused.

"It's not okay to speak such things about you're partner belphi on any day let alone their birthday. Yet I am much kinder than you think...I forgive you." You pouted with fake anger evident in your voice; playing pretend was fun as hr fell for your words in the beginning but definitely caught up in the end.

And as the day came to a close, you both were snuggled into each other's warmth and cuddling; the harsh words and hot tears forgotten or perhaps changed into smiles of contentment.

Afterall, belphegor was your dark sky and you were his star; without one the other would feel empty and out of place. He was the one who wanted to drown into the depths with you or burn with the passion he held for you...And both remain a pleasure to him...

--------------------------------------

A/n; I had no ideas for belphi and was abt to write he slept that it off like he was in a coma xD

• Masterlist

• Back to navigation

Anyways,

ℍ𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕒 𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥 𝕕𝕒𝕪

[rwby-encrusted-blog]

???: All My life I'd been told the same thing ...

~~~~~

Hunter Mouse 1: Out of the way Runt!

Hunter Mouse 2: All you're good for is bait YOu little- Little!

~~~~~

Little: Their words were harsh, their tongues as sharp as their spears.

Little: But I'd show them.

~~~~~

Rusted Knight: So you wish to learn to Hunt, Little Mouse? Well, I believe I know just the Place to learn! My own Alma Mater, Beacon Academy!

Little: Well how do I get there?

Rusted Knight: It will be a very long trek for one such as yourself!

Little: I can make it!

~~~~~

Little: I crossed impossible blockages ...

Little splashes haggardly through a tiny puddle of water caused by a light rain

Little: Outsmarted Brilliant Enemies ...

Little Sprints through the Red Prince's Castle

Little: Faced the greatest of foes ...

~~~~~

CC: Where are you going Little Hunter Mouse?

Little: To be the best I can Be!

~~~~~

Little: But even when I made it to the Academy ...

Little avoids the tromping boots of humans around them

Little: I found I needed Help. So I went searching ...

Little sprints through the Vale Streets, searching for someone with a weapon like at the academy.

Little: And Searching ...

Little scurries into a quiet, but smelly and populated place.

Little: And searching.

~~~~~

Qrow: Yeah, Poor Rube's is ... She's uh ... got a lotta heart but she needs to put some more work in ... Could use help.

Little: Hmm ... If only I knew who that was!

~~~~~

Little: And as luck would have it ... She was searching for me too.

~~~~~

Ruby: Are- Are you Robbing me?

Roman's Goon: Yeah!

Little: *Grabs Ruby's Hair*

Ruby: *Throws the goon through the Window*

Ruby: Ow- My hair!

Little: Sorry! I just wanted to help!

Ruby: Who-

Roman's other Goons: HEY HERO!

Ruby: *Grabbing CR*Aw Crud! (Whoever you are keep helping me out!)

Little: (I'll Try!)

Ruby: *Shoots a guy into the next one* (nice Shot!)

Little: (Thanks?)

~~~~~

Little: I'll never forget what happened ...

~~~~~

*At some point after Ozpin's offer*

Ruby: *Tearing her hood off* (Okay, Who Are you!)

Little: I'm called little! It's nice to really meet you!

Ruby: ... you're a mouse.

Little: A hunter mouse!

Ruby: and you're talking.

Little: Yeah, a lot of other mice here are feral. It's a bit scary!

Ruby: Okay. You know what? Either I'm in a dream I don't wanna wake up from, or this is really happening.

Ruby: Why- What- how did you-

Little: I'm here to be the Greatest Hunter I can be! To help people and not just be ... a Little runt!

Ruby: I ... know that feeling.

Ruby: Hey ... I want to be the greatest Huntress in the World ... And you wanna be the greatest Hunter in the world ... Ozpin only gave me that offer because you helped me fight Torchwick!

Little: Yeah? It was fun!

Ruby: yeah! but neither of us could've done it alone-

Little: So we work together?

Ruby: Yes! *Holding out her finger to shake* Deal?

Little: *Grabbing Ruby's finger* Deal!

~~~~~

Little: Because it was the Beginning of our journies to be the Greatest there ever was!

~~~~~

RATASHOOTIE

Coming soon to own on Video and DVD!

~~~~~

Nora: That's the Pitch! Now, I'm torn between the taglines "A Little hope goes a Long Way," "On a Hair Trigger," and "The Hunt is On!"

Nora: What do you think is Best?

Ruby: ... Nora?

Nora: Yeah?

Ruby: This is-

Jaune: Going to be a masterpiece! As for the tagline- "The Hunt is on" is my favorite! It's a little cheesy, Not as punny as "on a hair trigger" and not as bland as "A Little hope goes a Long Way."

Nora: Thank you JAune! What were you saying Ruby?

Ruby: This is insane! How did you Fund this!

Nora: Weiss.

Ruby: ... *Clicks tongue, nodding* Yeah. Yeah that makes sense. She the Director?

Nora: Her and Whitley are going to be handling the Score.

Ruby: Hmm. Well, Yang would be upset if you didn't go with the Pun ... So I agree with Jaune!

[juliasturnz]

“My teenage dream”

🜸 - this fanfic is requested again, @monroesturnns !! Make sure to follow her!♥️

★ - summary:

you and Chris haven’t been more then just friends.. you always had a crush on him, later that night you and Chris have a really deep conversation and some things don’t go as planned.

༆ - warnings!:

kissing, cussing, slightly sexual touch and use of alcohol (lmk if there is something else that triggers u!)

✫彡 - writers note :)

hi guys i just wanted to thank you all for the nice comments and follows, it means alooott thank you again 💖

★ - other role again!:

good friend chloe.. Good friend? Idrk she is js the type to leave you behind at a party..

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡

You are going to this huuuge party, it’s so exiting but you haven’t been to a party in a long time so you have no idea what to expect.

You are wearing something that will make a guy completely crazy.. a mini dress and your ass-cheeks are slightly visible. You’d always love to dress that way and you still do, but this old friend of yours is organizing it, he has always been nice to me but something is just feeling different.

Chloe has been texting you nonstop, ‘stop fucking texting me, oh my god!’ You say when she send you at least more then 10 messages. She has been telling you about the party for a hour long, ‘I’m getting ready rn I’ll be there in a half hour.’ You send her a voice message, I don’t feel like typing rn bc the black wand from my mascara is basically glued in my hands. Even when you send a voice message she just ignores you and talks further about boys and again the party.

When you finally type ‘I’m done’ to your yapping friend she finally stops talking, ‘okay I’ll be there in 20 minutes!’ She yells through a voice message. Your phone finally has been stop going off, until a familiar number pops up it’s Chris. You are texting with him while your doing your last things like putting on a perfume, checking your bag if you have everything and a few things more. Only a little time was left and he asks you if you want to face time.

‘Hey Chris, how r you!’ You act like you haven’t been talking the last 10 minutes, you kinda forget how well you guys went along and he basically starts acting with you ‘oh I haven’t spoken you in a long time y/n how are you?’ He looks at you through the phone with a little grin right before you two start busting out laughing. ‘Do you wanna take a little shot before the party?’ he asks you with a smile on his face. You take a good look at his face, hm he hasn’t changed a lot only his hair. You catch yourself looking at his blue eyes through the screen. ‘Oh wow.’ You cover your mouth when you realize you said that out loud. ‘Huh? Is there something wrong?’ He looks at you with a confused face and give you a little smile. Oh fuck do you think he noticed. Before you freak out and just stand there in silence you hear a ring from the doorbell. ‘I-I am sorry Chloe is here I’ll see you at the party bye!’ ‘Oh uh bye!’ I really hope I didn’t make thing weird.

Before you could even open the door someone has been screaming on the streets ‘hurry up we gotta go!’ You hear her high pitched voice so you hurry up before she starts yelling. ‘On my way!’ I think she heard me at least I hope so.

when you arrive at the front door she’s already speaking about the party and the fact that we have to hurry even though we had about 10 minutes left. ‘Can you hurry? We need to go there quick!’ ‘Chloe we have literally 10 mi’- she interrupts you immediately ‘no? We need to hurry like right now!’ ‘Girl calm down’ you whisper to yourself, you definitely don’t want her to hear what you were saying, bc that would 100% cause drama.

you put on one last time your favorite cologne and again deodorant and leave the house with Chloe talking about boys once again. ‘Girl you need a man in your life, you’re kinda boring.’ She casually says and turns around to your face completely in shock. What did she just say? ‘You heard me, we are going to find you a man tn.’ ‘What I don’t n’- once again she cuts you off

The rest of the car ride y’all stay silent which is surprising, normally Chloe would be either talking shit, brag about her “amazing” boyfriend or either talk about parties.

You arrive at Chris’ big house, ‘dang this mf has a big house!’ You stand right in front of a big mansion with already drunk teenagers in the front yard and the sound of music that hits your ears. ‘This is gonna be amazing!!!!’ Chloe is literally screaming. You just follow her in silence to the front door.

Before you could even ask her a thing she is already standing with her “amazing” boyfriend and her other friends, you look around to find someone to talk to bc no way your going to be standing with them. You look around and catch a glance from someone across the room and the someone is Chris. He looks so good, even tho he only wears a pair of baggy pants, a see through blouse with a light blue tie. Just perfect. He catches you looking at him and walks over to you. He is only a few inches away from you when you start apologizing right away, he makes you nervous. ‘Look I’m so sorry about what happened when we’- ‘shhh it’s okay, don’t think about it too much. I know you stared at my eyes,’ ‘well yes your eyes are pretty gorgeous.’ You look at him with a little shy but a naughty smile on your face. ‘Should we take that shot then?’ You follow him into the kitchen.

It isn’t really busy in here, but you’ve never seen this much red plastic cups around you. Chris catches your looking around mostly at the amount of red cups that are just laying around. ‘Please don’t mind this fucking mess.’ He kinda looks disappointed, ‘the way you said that sounds promising.’ You grin at his face still scanning almost every cup. ‘Anyways should we do 3 vodka shots?’ ‘Sounds good to me.’ You give him a warm smile as he fills the fancy shot glasses.

He hands you the pretty full shot glasses and looks at you and says ‘to the pretty woman in front of me.’ You blink twice, did he really said that oh my god. ‘You heard me.’ You giggle at his reaction and let the strong drink fall back into your throat. ‘This shit is disgusting.’ ‘Do you want a martini? I can make one for you.’ ‘Oh okay mr bartender.’ He giggles at your reaction.

You drink your martini while he has just a casual Pepsi, ‘so what brings you here tonight?’ He looks up at you with a very flirtatious look, ‘tbh like actually, even though my “friend” dragged me into here.. you.’ You keep looking at his now lightened up eyes. You can’t help but stare at them for a while. He interrupts your intense look, ‘wait what do you mean “friend”?’ He always seems to aks you things in a deeper level, something always felt connected between the two of you. Well she’s just idk not really my friend idk what she is.’ He gives you a worried look, ‘it’s okay I’m here.’ He lays his hand on your shoulder, what makes you tingle by his touch. ‘Thank you.’ ‘Ofcourse anytime.’ your curiosity bottles up ‘why did you even invite Chloe in the first place, not to be rude but she isn’t nice at all.’ ‘Oh my god is your “friend” Chloe?’ ‘Yeah I guess, why?’ ‘She cheated on me.’ He blurred out. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to bring i’- you’re being interrupted by her storming into the kitchen. ‘Ugh I need more drinks,’ she looks everything but sober. ‘Oh no here come Chloe you need to rest.’ Chris helps you with her, you bring her upstairs to a free bedroom. ‘What a surprise.’ He stands in the doorway after he helped you let her lay down in a strangers bed, kind of waiting for you and watching you while you tuck Chloe into a strangers bed. ‘I’m so sorry about what she did.’ You turn your face to his face. ‘You don’t have to be sorry about this, but why are you even her friend, she’s such a dumbass.’ ‘She helped me through a rough time, but she became popular and she forgot about me.’ ‘Damn I’m sorry.’ He walks up to you and give you a hug out of nowhere. ‘It felt like you needed one.’ You sink into his shoulder and start sobbing out of thin air. ‘Hey hey, your okay your here with me come.’ He takes you to the bathroom to help you fix your perfectly done makeup.

‘You are really pretty you know that.’ You couldn’t focus on anything rn but his pink lips. ‘Oh your needy.’ He gives you a whole different tone. He leans into a kiss. You kiss him back right away. His hands fall on your waist and moves down to your thighs and while he squeezes them just the slightest bit. This was the best kiss you probably ever had. There is going so much through your head rn, “his lips are so soft” “he smells so good” “his lips taste just like vanilla” when you stop the most perfect kiss ever, you kind of wake up again. ‘You are a really good kisser mr bartender.’ You would never said this in any universe, it might be the drinks you had or the strong confidence you got while you were around him. ‘Am I? Should we get another drink then?’ You follow him to the kitchen again.

you surprisingly hold his hand while you walk through the dancing, drunk or smoking people. But trust me you definitely got eyes on you. When you and Chris reach the kitchen you fall back into the cheating topic, your friend. ‘And then she just cheated on me.’ You catch a little tear that flows down his cheek. ‘I’m so sorry Chris, you honestly don’t deserve that.’ You get of the barstool and hug him tight and go with your fingers through his soft hair. ‘Do you wanna take a walk or smth?’ He removes his head from your shoulder. You nod right away, ‘don’t you got to focus on what’s happening inside of here?’ Your kind of worried someone might literally burn the house down. ‘They’ll be alright the most of them are drunk anyway or Nick and Matt will take care of it, I hope so.’ he shrugs his shoulders and takes a Pepsi. ‘Oh okay then, should we go?’ ‘Yes.’ He sticks his hand out and you and you hold his hand while you walk out of the front door, holding each others hand.

He takes you to a small beach just at the end of the block, ‘it’s beautiful here!’ You can’t help but keep looking around even though it’s already night. ‘I know right, this place brings me so much peace.’ You and Chris are still holding hands, he looks down at the hands holding each other and slightly squeezes your hand. He gives you that one smile you missed a lot. ‘I love your smile so much.’ His cheeks turn slightly pink in the bright moonlight. ‘Should we just sit down and talk, I just wanted to get away from those people. I don’t know why I invited the half of those people. I didn’t wanna be rude yk?’ ‘Trust me I know. He lets his hand go while you nod at his first question. You keep on knowing exactly what he means in different scenarios, ‘I know exactly what you mean.’ You can’t help but keep on saying.

You are having such a great time with Chris, you missed this a lot. You reach the topic from the friendship between you two. ‘I really missed this,’ he looks at you with a sudden serious look. He is speaking exactly what you thought not even 20 min ago. ‘I really did too.’ He looks at your lips and kisses you once again. ‘Y/n I really love you, but I can’t keep you on a friend level. You make me so happy, you know me on a different level and I feel so co’- you interrupt him what kinda makes you feel bad bc those words were so beautiful. ‘I wanna be your girlfriend Chris. Your little speech was so beautiful btw.’ That makes him giggle a bit. And he kisses you in the bright moonlight at the beach once again.

🜸 -

Hey beautiful human🤭 make sure to like this post and comment if you wanna be tagged in my upcoming fanfics! I love you so much, you are loved <3 take care!💋

Tags:

@chrisslut333 @chrissslut @chris-slut @chrissv4mp @chrisshotdog @hollandsangel @ineedchriscock @chaossturns @sturnslcver @stuniolvs @sturnioloshacker @sturniolonmc @sturniolo-fann @sturnioz @sturniololvrrr @sturnzsblog @sturnzsun @sturnsdoll @sturnsbaby @sturnsblunt @sturnsstars @sturnzwrld @sturnzyolo @sturnzluv @pepsiboyy @pvssychicken @p4lxouterbanks @strawberrysturniolo @bernardsbendystraws @whore4cherrycoke @strombolicious @urfavstromboli @mattsfavbitchhh @mattstattos @mattsturnswife @mattsgf @mattsdirtylittlehoe @hoeformatt @hoesformatt @monroesturnns

[k-slla]

Wish You Were Here

First of all, I have to say thank you to @deanbrainrotwritings for helping me on this one - I really really appreciate it 💖 & @impala-dreamer for the perfect song for this fic💖

Another one done for the @jacklesversebingo :)

Square filled: "I want to be the last one you love." will be in bold

Word count: ∼4.5k

Trigger warnings: Suicide, suicidal ideation, trauma, depression, mental illness, panic attack, angst

My Masterlist

You woke up abruptly. Clock on the nightstand glowed at 3:23. There was no way that you could fall asleep again now. You blinked away the tears that were welling up in your eyes. Feeling them roll down your cheeks, you sat up on the bed, trying to ignore the empty side next to you.

You had dreamt of him again. Actually, the more you thought about it, you realized, it wasn't just a dream. It was a memory of three of you- you, Jensen, and your daughter Elis flying a kite at your lake house on a beautiful, autumn evening a couple of years back.

It was the beginning of September- days were still warm but after sunset, it got cold quite fast.

Elis was running around with the kite until she stumbled on a rock. Jensen quickly ran after her to grab the kite by the string she had let go when she fell. "Hey, Princess, you okay?" He tried to help her, but she just stood up, took the kite back from him and said happily: "Yes, thank you, Daddy! " And ran away again. He shook his head and smiled to himself. "Like mother, like daughter." He said quietly.

You pulled him up and put your arms around his neck. "What was that?" You asked him, your lips teasingly hovering over his, but still not touching. "I said that she's just as stubborn as her mother. Never letting me help her. What am I supposed to do with the two of you?"

You swatted him lightly on his shoulder and made sure that Elis was out of earshot before continuing."Oh, shush, honey. Besides, didn't you help me last night? I remember letting you be really, really helpful. In the bedroom and on the balcony." You said slowly as he pecked your lips softly between your words. Sometimes you were glad you didn't have any close neighbors and that Elis is a heavy sleeper. Otherwise it would've been a very, very uncomfortable situation.

"In the shower too." He added.

You looked flirtily up to him. "Yeah, no, I definitely don't remember that."

"Hmm...I'll have to remind you tonight then, if you promise to keep quiet." He laughed cheekily, and pulled you close to him, and pressed a kiss on your forehead. You stood in comfortable silence in his arms, watching closely how Elis chased after your dog in the backyard, laughing and trying to catch up with her. The kite was already abandoned somewhere on the ground.

It started to get dark, so it was time to head inside. "Elis, honey, let's go inside now!" You called after her. "But moomm! Little bit more, please!"

"Not today, Princess! It's getting cold soon!" Jensen said and she immediately came running back to you, jumping into his arms. She has always been Daddy's girl. "How do you always get through to her?" You were amazed by him. "Let's just say I've had some practice." He gave you a wink and started walking towards your house.

You decided to linger behind to watch them go.

Small moments like these are the ones you would never forget. Now, these memories are even more precious. This dream has been a recurring one for you, ever since his funeral.

You got out of bed and walked downstairs to the living room, picked up an album from the shelf and sat on the couch. Looking at the pictures there were many thoughts in your head. Why didn't he talk to you? How could he let things get so bad that he saw no other way to get out? Why didn't he ask for your help? That's what hurt you the most. That after 8 years of being married, you felt like he still couldn't trust you enough to tell you how he was truly feeling. He suffered alone and you didn't see it until it was too late.

Knowing that this was his choice, was agonizing. Jensen chose to leave you, your daughter, and everyone he knew and cared about. How were you supposed to be able to accept that? It's been close to a year already and no matter what your therapist or anyone else says, it does not get better with time. For you, it still hurts the same.

You've had easier days and hard ones after that. You knew already that today will be especially hard for you to function. You missed him every day with your body, mind and soul, feeling like you were just an empty shell slowly moving through your daily routines. But today, you wanted - no, needed him to hug you, kiss you and tell you that everything's going to be okay. Even if you knew that it was the biggest lie ever, Jensen still always managed to make you believe it.

You sat there for a few hours, flipping through the album, looking at your wedding pictures, focusing really only on the smile on Jensen's face. How the happiness it was showing was just a cover up for all the pain he must have been feeling inside. And he hid it well. "Why did you do this? I don't understand. I could've helped you. Why didn't you talk to me, Jay?" You asked, voice barely above whisper, brushing your fingers over a picture of him and Jared laughing together, hoping to hear him answer. Turning the page you saw both of your handwritten vows you kept from the wedding. The memories brought back the tears that had already dried on your cheeks.

"Y/N, my dear, I love you. More than anything. And I will tell you that every day for the rest of my life. I promise to take your hand today, to hold and to guide you through life next to me, until we're old and wrinkly. I want you to know that I accept all your flaws and quirks because these little things make you who you are.

And while I adore your grumpy, almost lethal glares in the mornings when I forget to put sugar in your coffee, I promise that I have finally learned from my past mistakes.

You are the perfect woman and you make me try to be perfect too. You really are my dream come true, standing right here in front of me. All I ask from you today, is one promise: please promise me that your love for me won't ever fade. No matter the hardships we'll have to go through. I want to be the last one you love, because you are the one for me."

He did tell you that every day. Even when you had the biggest fight that day, you never went to bed angry and not once did you miss the I love you’s. You couldn't help but smile through tears when you read his vows over again, thinking of the excitement and happiness you were feeling when you first heard it. Now, it fills you with sadness.

It was almost 6am and you know Jared usually wakes up at around 5:30. It felt pathetic to call your late husband's best friend at 6am but you just needed to talk to him. Jensen was more like a brother to him. He lost that part of him that day, so he knew what you were feeling. Almost. You dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.

"Hey, Y/N. How are you?" His quiet voice rang through the speaker. "Not good, Jared." There was silence on the other side as he waited for you to continue. "I had a dream of him again today. I miss him. So much." You added with a shaky breath.

"I know. I miss him too. Can I-" he breathed in deeply. "Is there anything I can do?" You started thinking of how anyone but yourself really could help you.

"I don't know." You whispered. "I guess I just have to get through it somehow." For some reason you felt like the "acceptance" stage of grieving, just wasn't on the horizon for you, not any time soon.

"You are not alone, you know that, right? You can talk to me. About anything."

You nodded, but realized he couldn't see you. "I know, J. Thank you."

"Would you like us to pick up Elis for the day? We were planning to go to the fair today and I know for sure my kids would be thrilled to have her come join us. You could have the day to take care of yourself."

You always hated the feeling of being helpless and weak. Lately, it felt that it was all you were. Weak. For the last months, someone has been over to help you frequently. Your parents and in-laws came over the most. Surely, they just wanted to check on you and see their granddaughter, but every time they came, you and your home were always a mess. Deep down you knew that they would never judge, but it still made you feel like you were failing as a mother.

"I don't want to burden you."

He sighed. "Honey, you would never be a burden to us. Don't ever think like that. I'll pick her up around 9, is that good?"

"Okay." You said, exhaling deeply, hoping you'd finally get the rest that you've been missing for the past few months.

You dried your face from tears and dragged yourself to the kitchen to make some tea for you and Elis. After preparing breakfast, you went to wake her up. You were glad she didn't wake up earlier. You wouldn't want to let her see you like that.

"Morning, sweetie!" She was stirring in bed tiredly. "Morning, mommy." She mumbled out quietly. She sat up and shuddered. "Are you cold?" You asked and sat on her bed to pull her close to you. She climbed fully onto your lap and you held tight while she was still waking up.

"I talked to Uncle J today. He wanted to see if you'd like to go to a fair with them?" You had a feeling you already knew what her answer was going to be.

"Can we go? Pleeease?" All her tiredness was being swept away.

"He'll pick you up soon, so let's get you some breakfast." You said as you started to go through her closet to pick some clothes out.

"You're not coming?" The disappointment in her voice broke your heart. "Not today, sweetie, but you'll go and you will have fun for both of us, okay?" Giving her a small smile, you stood in front of her with three outfits. "So, what's it gonna be today? Purple, green or yellow?" Elis was at that age, where she had to do everything herself, but she always wanted her outfit to match head to toe, so every morning you gave her some color options and tried your best to match clothes up. The combinations weren't always the best, but it made her happy, so you were happy. "Purple!"

"Okay, purple it is. Come downstairs when you're ready." You gave her the clothes and left her to dress. "Yes, Mom!"

You heard a car pull up and minute later, Jared let himself in, greeting you loudly. "Hey, girls!" He came to give both of you hugs. "You want coffee or to eat something? Help yourself." You said and pointed to a table full of way too much food for just you and Elis. But you couldn't help it, you love cooking, and most of all, you love cooking whenever you're stressed. "I'll just quickly do her hair and then she's ready to go." You ushered Elis to the bathroom to brush her teeth and braid her hair.

A little bit later, you were saying goodbye to them when Jared hugged you again and whispered. "I meant it, Y/N. Please take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will, I promise. Probably passing out as soon as I close the door behind you." You chuckled. "Good! Do that! El, you ready?" He asked louder. "Yes!" And she gave you one last hug. "Love you, Mom!"

"Love you too! Have fun!"

Almost an hour had passed and you hadn't fallen asleep, instead of it, you laid in bed, thinking of what to do next. You knew exactly what you should do- get back to work full time. You were a freelance photographer, so you had some freedom in shaping your work schedule.

For the last months though, you had held back on taking new projects on. You had plenty of events already that had been planned long in advance and those kept you busy enough. But you knew it was probably the best for you to get out there again. Jensen would definitely say the same. For the sake of your mental health, you decided that coming Monday morning, you'd reach out to your contacts to see if anything new was coming up.

Since you couldn't sleep, you didn't want to let the day go to waste, so you decided to get busy instead. And you were honestly surprised to see how much you got done that afternoon. You managed to actually go and get the groceries for the week, instead of getting them delivered and cleaned the house from top to bottom. It wasn't a lot, if you'd think a year back, but even this seemed like a huge success for you lately. At least it kept you busy for hours. Still, you felt like your day was going too good for you and you were dreading the moment when you'd crash. You knew it would come. It always did.

It was early evening when Jared let you know that they'll take Elis with them to dinner before bringing her home. This gave you a few more hours alone. And you still had leftovers from this morning, so instead of just moping around, you decided to take a long shower. Maybe it would make you feel better about yourself.

You entered the bathroom and undressed, suddenly feeling exhausted and drained. You turned the water onto the hottest setting, hoping the burn on your skin would ease the pain you endured on the inside. You didn't know how to go on without him. You didn't want to. It was hard. And you couldn't help but think that Jensen found an easy way out. Like he gave up too easily, without giving you a chance to help him. Yes, you didn't have any idea how bad it must've been for him, but to you, it also felt like your promises of standing beside him, no matter what life would throw at you, were broken against your will. You couldn't stop the thoughts that passed through your head. What if I just do it? End it all. It sounds so easy. I'd be finally free of this constant pain and the feeling of being useless and pathetic. He did it. What's stopping me?

"Elis. You will not give up because of her." You said out loud, hating yourself for even having these stupid, stupid thoughts.

You stood under the hot stream of water for some time, scrubbing your skin until it was red. Starting to feel lightheaded from the heat, you got out of the shower. You stood in front of the mirror, taking a long look at yourself and you couldn't recognize the woman in the reflection. That there wasn't you. You refused to believe that. She looked small, fragile and tired. Not a sign in there of a confident, happy woman you used to be.

You pulled a towel around you and walked out of the bedroom to get dressed. You stopped in front of your closet and you were nailed in place. You could see it clearly. He was laying in there, like the day you found him. When it was already too late. You knew this was just your imagination but you had to shut your eyes painfully tight to make the view disappear. This is not real, I'm just seeing things. This is not real. This is not real. You kept repeating to yourself in your head.

Then it hit you like a ton of bricks. Your ears were ringing and your body started to shiver uncontrollably. "No, no, no, not now." You whispered and lowered yourself to the floor before your legs would give out. Leaning against the wall, it felt nauseating to just sit there, but you couldn't move. You didn’t know how long you were sitting there, but after some time you heard the front door closing and someone walking downstairs.

"Y/N, dear, it's me." Donna's voice rang through the hall. "I thought I'd come see how you're doing. You didn't answer your phone." His mom was here and you couldn't be more thankful for her for coming over right now. She and Alan supported and cared for you like your own parents did.

"I'm..here!" You called out to her shallowly. It took a minute before she found you. Her expression dropped immediately, when she saw you down on the floor. You looked up at her. "I'm so sorry, Donna. I'm - I should've-" I should've helped him, is what you wanted to say to her, but choked up in tears instead. You lost your husband, she lost her son. You couldn't even imagine what she must be going through.

She sat down next to you and pulled you into a hug. "Shh, honey, it is not your fault. Not at all." She whispered and held you close until you started to calm down a little bit. When someone other than yourself said it, it didn't seem as big of a lie. You took some deep relaxing breaths. "Let's get you dressed and downstairs. I'll make us some tea, okay?" She asked gently and let you go from her embrace. "Yeah, okay." You said quietly and got up.

After getting into your sleepwear, you followed Donna downstairs, where she was already waiting for you with tea. "Careful, it's hot." You sat down next to her on the couch and accepted the mug she offered you. "Thank you." You held it with both hands to warm them up. Feeling the first long sip warming you up from the inside, you sank more into the couch. Donna gave you some time in silence.

"Where's El? With your parents?" You took a sip of tea and shook your head. "No. She's with Jared today. They went to a fair and he thought maybe I'd need some time for myself. She should be home soon." She looked at you like she'd want to say something, but stayed quiet instead. "Hey, I know that look, you know? You can say what you're thinking." You laughed. You had more than once received it from your loved ones. "I'm sorry, Y/N, it's just I'm worried..Are your panic attacks getting more frequent? Have you talked to your doctor about them?" Yep, you knew this was coming. "Well, they're not as often as they used to be. Sometimes they just hit me hard. Sometimes, like today, I get triggered, because my imagination decides to just screw me over." You left a little pause in the conversation.

"I saw him in there again." Thinking back to when Donna found you in front of the closet. "I knew this wasn't real, but I saw him in there. I can't get that sight out of my head. I just can't. It feels like nothing is helping me." You let out a frustrated sigh.

She put her hand over yours. "I know this is a big thing, but have you thought about moving? Maybe this house that you spent your lives together in, itself is triggering you?"

"I haven't thought about it. But it's the only home Elis knows. All her memories of her Dad are in this house. I don't know if moving would be the right decision. Maybe someday in the future, but not yet."

Suddenly your phone rang in the kitchen. You got up to answer it.

"Hey, Y/N, we'll be home in about 20. Elis is totally out, sleeping in the backseat already."

"Okay, perfect, we'll go straight to bed then. See you soon!"

You ended the call and joined Donna again. "They'll be home in 20. I thought you'd get to say hi too, but he said that Elis is sleeping already." You smiled at her.

"Oh, it's okay. I actually wanted more to check up on you today. Had a feeling I should, you know?"

"Thank you for coming. Really. I needed that."

She hugged you. "Of course, dear. Maybe she can come stay with us for the weekend next week?"

"Oh, I'm sure she'd love that."

You said your goodbyes and stayed in the kitchen to wait for Jared and Elis. While you were sitting at the kitchen table, you remembered the first Holiday party that you and Jensen hosted in your home.

Saying that you were nervous that night, would’ve definitely been an understatement. You planned the dinner for ages, before getting the menu just perfect. It wasn’t going to be anything big, just your families coming over for Christmas dinner/ housewarming, but it meant a lot to you to get this perfect. And you still managed to run out of time, so at the last minute you were cooking, decorating and then redecorating the whole house.

���Relax, Y/N, it doesn’t have to be perfect. We'll be fine.” Jensen remained calm as he tried to get you to relax. “It won't be perfect, I can't even make a simple dinner party happen.” You sniffled. He came to stand behind you, while you were slicing oranges for the cider that should've been all done by this time, and started to massage your shoulders. With a deep sigh, you finally let yourself lean into his touch. “Listen...” He put his arms tightly around you. “I know that tonight's important to you, babe, and it's important to me too, but it's still just our own people. They’d hate to see you so stressed out over a dinner for them.” He kissed the top of your head. You turned around and locked your arms around his waist. “You're probably right.” You said quietly and took a deep breath. “So how about we'll let everyone know that dinner will be a little later tonight, and we could turn this into a cooking party instead? We already have everything we need and I'm sure everyone will still have a great time.”

And he was absolutely right because that night ended up being some of the most fun that you've had. Everyone loved cooking dinner together. Jensen and his siblings fooled around the kitchen like children and more than once you had to scold them. After that dinner, both your and Jensen’s parents started to ask about when you two would have kids, joking that you’ve had practice with multiple already.

A little later Jared's car pulled up the driveway. He opened the door and you saw Elis step out, groggily walking towards the house, a new light blue bunny in her hand. "Hey, baby, how was your day?" You asked her quietly when she reached for you to pick her up. "Good." She said quietly and put her head on your shoulder and almost fell asleep again.

"So, I have to come clean. We didn't hold back on spoiling the kids today, I was actually worried if she'd fall asleep from all that sugar." He laughed. "I hope it's okay."

"Of course it is. I think she needed that, so thank you again."

You got Elis awake enough to get her to brush her teeth and into pajamas. She sat in front of you when you were loosely braiding her hair for bed.

"Mommy?" She asked tiredly.

"Yes, honey?"

She turned around to look at you. "Can you sing to me tonight? Like Daddy did?" You felt your eyes tearing up a little. Since the funeral, not once had she asked for you to sing to her. This was her’s and Jensen’s little thing together, so it meant the world to you right now. "Of course, baby." You hugged her. "But you have to know, Daddy was a much better singer than me." That got a little laugh out of her, which brought a smile to your face too.

You got up from her bed. "Come. Take your Bunny with you. You're sleeping with me tonight. You have your Bunny but I want some cuddles too." Her face lit up out of happiness and she looked so much like Jensen, especially when she smiled. She had the same bright green eyes as he did. She jumped off the bed and hugged you. "I love you!" You hugged her back. "I love you too, go on, I'll be right behind you." You said and watched as she ran off into your bedroom. You followed her in there and climbed into bed next to her, pulling her close to you.

"Do you want the same song that Daddy used to sing?" You looked down and saw her nodding silently against your chest. "Okay." You took a moment to see if you still remembered all the lyrics, even though you knew she'd probably sleep in a minute.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

In your mind you could see Jensen singing it to her for the first time, when she was almost one year old. At least that was the first time you heard him sing it.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better

He was in her nursery, sitting in the rocking chair next to her crib. She had just started teething and was crying all night long.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid

You were made to go out and get her

Jensen had gotten home for a longer break from filming the show and gave you a chance to rest, so he sat up with her, trying to get her to sleep.

The minute you let her under your skin

Then you begin to make it better

You remember standing quietly by the door, listening to his voice carrying out the lyrics.

After that night, him singing this song almost instantly calmed her down in any situation. That's how amazingly good his singing was. Not that you needed any confirmation on that.

And any time you feel the pain

Hey Jude, refrain

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well, you know that it's a fool

Who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

You finished singing when you knew certainly she was asleep again and pulled her closer to you.

The thought that this song is something that will always stay with you, filled you with joy. And while it would take another year or decade, you knew that one day thinking of Jensen would bring a smile to your face and be a little less painful than it was today. You love him and you would always love him, no amount of time would ever change that.

Tags: @jackles010378 @cevansbaby-dove @deanwinchestersgirl87 @alternativeprincess94

[v3nusxsky]

Hey first of all, I love your stories :) have been reading them for days and can’t get enough of them.

I have a question, could you possibly write a morticia/Larissa/ f reader story? Something like reader is a teacher at Nevermore and goes into Larissa’s office and being in thoughts she just forgets to knock and she catches morticia and Larissa making out, reader flushes and wants to flee but then they start seducing r and they both „fight“ over being the dominant and figure out a punishment for r ( funishment being edging, spanking or whatever you decide) , for not knocking but in the end they have a great threesome and decide to make it their staple once or twice a month to meet ;)

Thank you have a great day :)

Accidentally on purpose 18+

*Authors note~ I hope this is okay. I've done similar for Leonora lesso but less detailed. So here's my attempted at a detailed Larissa version.*

Trigger warning~threesome strap on degrading praise edging

Prompt~ see ask^^^^

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

You were the newest staff member at Nevermore Academy, it was an adjustment for sure yet you couldn't have been any happier doing your dream job and being around the students made you happy. Your were the schools new sorcery teacher, and you truly felt so welcomed. You'd been told to that should you need anything at all, to go and find Larissa in her office. Maybe that's why you made your way there blindly, it was really only one of the few places you knew how to find.

You were so lost in thought of trying to make sure you found the right room, maybe that's why you just opened the door on autopilot, completely forgetting that knocking was customary. Although what lay on the other side of the door reinforced why knocking was a necessity.

Larissa sat at her desk, with the potions teacher sat on her lap as they were otherwise engaged. You felt your cheeks flushing at the sight alone, your sexuality being rather private considering you'd only recently started here. The women dressed in a skin tight floor length dress with raven black long hair was rubbing her hands all over the headmistress's body, while Larissa's hands found their way to her back and tangling in her hair. Neither of them seeming to notice the new arrival in the room until you coughed trying to disguise your true feeling at the sight.

Both women pulled apart to assess who was here, both seemingly having the same idea as they allowed their eyes to roam your body before glancing at each other. You felt torn under their gaze, half of you wanting to apologise and leave the room and the other wanting to see where things would go. You must have worn your confusion on your face because both women were up and at your side instantly. Larissa coming to whisper in your ear while Morticia took a hold of your hand and brought it to her lips.

"Um I uh I'm sorry I should've knocked" you whimpered enjoying the attention but also confused. "Oh Rissa we have a shy one? Let me play with her please" she purred and Larissa just smirked and nipped your ear, "want us to play with you sweetheart?" All you could do is nod your consent allowing them to lead you into Larissa's adjoined bedroom. Morticia was quick to claim your lips with her own while Larissa moved around the room preparing what she would need for her girls.

"Tisha darling why don't you share are guest? Go sit pretty for me darling" Larissa purred and Morticia moved herself from you following the command. It was very clear the Larissa would be the more dominant and apparently Morticia opting to slip in as a middle. Truthfully, the idea of being used by the women exciting you. Larissa made quick work kissing over down your neck before sucking on your pulse point. "Sweetheart your okay with this right? You don't have to do this love" she whispered pressing kisses on your cheeks. "I want to" you whimpered before claiming Larissa's lips with yous. There was a distant whimper from the bed as Morticia sat pretty watching the show.

Larissa stripped your clothing down as well as her own leaving all three of you bare and accessible. Larissa giving Morticia a kiss before instructing you to settle between Morticia's milky white thighs. You immediately placed sloppy kisses and nips marking up her pale thighs before being your mouth to her core. She was absolutely soaked and you couldn't help but lap up the slick that lay there. You were vaguely aware of Larissa sitting on Morticia's face, instructing her to please her while moaning a string of filthy comments. "Yes Tish! There good girl. Look at you letting us use you like the whore you are." The blonde moaned out cumming on the raven haired woman's face, drenching it in cum. You made sure Morticia was straight after falling over that pleasurable edge, all while rubbing your thighs together trying to gain some friction of some sort.

You stayed between her thighs as you lapped at her cunt gently cleaning her while Larissa and Morticia shared a passionate kiss. You felt the bed dip and a hand into your hair tugging it to signal they wanted up. Instantly, you realised that Morticia was off the bed and strapping up while Larissa kissed down your body and paid attention to your chest, you hardly noticed she had already shifted her female anatomy into a male version. She guided your hand down allowing you to feel just how hard she was for you. The gasp of shock allowed her to take advantage of the kiss you were sharing as her tongue explored your mouth.

"Mon chéri, isn't it time you shared the toy? I want to use one of pretty holes" she purred kissing the blondes neck. It was a little awkward but you were pulled up on your hands and knees, Larissa underneath you stroking her length while Morticia knelt behind adding lube to her black strap. In tandem they bother entered your needy holes in sync. Once they found the rhythm, you swore you'd never felt anything quite like this. All you could do is whimper and mewl at the pair as they used you as nothing more than their fuck toy. Edging you as part of your punishment for stumbling into the office without knocking all while teasing you, “it was accidentally on purpose was it sweetheart? Look at how you’re taking us both like the needy whore you are. Such a cock slut for us.” Not stopping until came three times, milking Larissa's cock with your pussys walls as she came inside of you. You all came down from your high exhausted but stated. You all knew this had to happen again in the near future.

Despite the unusual situation both the elder women provided you with the best after care you had ever experienced. They were kind and gentle whispering words of care and reassurance between you all. The three of you ended up snuggled in bed with each other where you all fell asleep.

Word count~ 1205

[rmoonstoner]

***

Poisoned Empanadas

***

Pairing:

Moon Knight (Jake Lockley) x Spider!fem!reader

Spider-Man 2099 (Miguel O'Hara) x Spider!fem!reader

***

18+

Warnings:

Violence, strong language, mentions of death, mentions of depression, sexual themes, someone gets hurt

***

Summary:

A wild Miguel appears once again!

***

Chapter 5 - Pizza Rolls

Yes. I said it. Pizza rolls to me are just little pizza filled Empanadas. My favorite kind are the big Great Value bag of them. Let me tell you about the homemade pizza rolls I made recently. I got puff pastry, then filled them with cream cheese and extra old aged cheddar, diced dry aged salami, diced habaneros, diced onions, homemade garlic pizza sauce, and then close them up, cover in garlic butter, sprinkle with parmesan, and bake on parchment paper for 15-25 min on 350.

***

Another week had rolled on by since that very explicit dream and you hadn't run into Miguel at all. Even when you outright asked the criminals on whether or not they had seen a jacked up Spider-Man, they genuinely looked confused and terrified that there was yet another Spider-Man, and this one was bigger than any of the others. It almost made you question his existence, had the wizard not kept asking if you had seen him again?

Every.

Damned.

Night.

You nearly lost hope on running into him. Maybe he found his way back to where he came from? Maybe he had to leave the city to find the thing he needed in order to do so?

Either way, you managed to get out to patrol for an entire seven days without seeing any sign of him. Perhaps he was busy, which was good. It was getting old being asked the same question every night. At least Peter had the decency to not ask about Miguel while in Stephen's presence. That would just trigger the doctor into playfully teasing you about it.

Thankfully, he hadn't asked about Miguel at all for today, come to think of it. Stephen had said Peter was there when he opened up a viewing orb to see where you were. Maybe Peter's little magic caffeine fit made him forget? Oh, who were you kidding, he aced his finals, so of course he'd remember seeing Miguel in the orb.

"Hey! Nice to see you!" Peter called out as you flipped yourself over the ledge to see only him at the meeting point. He was just packing up Gwen's bag that she had left the previous night.

"Hi! How are you?" You greeted him as he handed you a protein bar.

"Doing good. Since I did so well on my reports, I got a few recommendations from some of the professors. I showed them to Stephen, and told him I want to get my engineering and chemistry certification."

"So you plan on getting a doctorate?"

"Yes! I hope it makes Stephen proud. It's not the same kind of doctor, and it's more what Tony would have wanted-" Peter rambled a bit and you placed a hand to his shoulder.

"Stephen is proud of you. He'd be proud of you no matter what subject you pick. He would be proud even if you failed, because you tried so hard. You don't give up when it gets rough. He knows how much Tony meant to you and Tony wasn't one to stop achieving his dreams when he failed at something. You and Stephen share that drive, and it'll take you far." You said with a bright smile.

It wasn't a lie, because Strange talked about the boy a lot. He always asked how he was doing after a patrol, and he would be the one to do most of the first aid on the team. If he ever had to help Peter with an injury, the man would fuss while patching the boy up. Stephen would even be constantly mentioning how proud Tony would have been, had he been around to see Peter's achievements. The doctor almost sounded like a sweet old grandmother affectionately referring to her grandchild when he spoke of Peter.

"Thank you. That feels good hearing that from you." Peter replied as he cracked a grin.

"So… Does this mean I have to call you Doctor Parker? Or Doctor Spider-Man? Oooh! I know! How about Spider-Doctor?" You gently teased him. Peter burst out laughing while shaking his head.

"Absolutely not! It will be Doctor Parker, and then just the same old, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man." He chuckled with a wink.

"Ah, good. Though… What about Doctor Webs?!" You gave a laugh back as you tried to picture it. He laughed and shook his head. The both of you got ready to head out, suiting up fully and slinging away into the night as you kept roasting Peter on the names he could use.

***

Most of the night was pretty calm. There was a fender bender pretty early on and a guy needed to be pulled from the wreckage, so Peter had helped. You didn't have much to offer in assistance, so you sat perched up on a shopping market roof to watch him while you called an ambulance. When all was said and done, you left to go seek out other problem areas that might need some help. The small police scanner Peter had built into his wrist watch sure did help a lot, and it reminded you of Miguel's watch.

Another occurrence was a man being held at knife point by a local drunk. Peter and you managed to talk the guy down and check him into a local drop-in center for outreach help. From there, everything was good. Nothing was off, which was great. It was so great that you and Peter stopped for a bite to eat on top of Stark Tower. About half way through your sandwich, Peter's watch and phone went off. He picked it up to check and his face fell.

"What's wrong, Peter?"

"There's been a breach in the Stark Tower security systems." He grumbled as he jammed the rest of his food into his mouth and chewed vigorously. You huffed and opened your sandwich and hurriedly removed the good bits, shoving them into your mouth and discarding the bread and other bits you didn't enjoy much. You both chewed in silence as you wiped your faces and hands.

"What? But we are sitting on the building..?" You asked with a confused face as you opened a soda to wash your mouth out, then handed it over to Peter so he could do the same.

"Yeah… I suppose we should go check it out, then?" He suggested. How could you say no?

Since Peter already had official security clearance, it was easy to get inside. You followed him in and down to the lower levels. He didn't bother to creep about. He acted like he owned the place, which he kind of did now that Tony was gone. Peter glanced at his watch a few times.

"Looks like the disturbance is in the vaults." Peter announced as he pointed to another stairwell. His tech was telling him the breach was in the power core reactor vault on the main floor. It was separated from the one that powered the building, and that was underground.

Peter directed you to the stairwell and down the center of the spiral stairs. He chose to use a web rope, while you descended with a disk of light. Once at the main floor, Peter quietly peeked down a hallway and motioned for you to follow. You darkened your suit and dimmed the lights in the hallway slowly, while Peter made his way towards the vault room.

There was a clatter of sorts the closer you got. Peter was a bit nervous, his spider senses no doubt going insane as he twitched at any noise. Yours, however, wasn't going off at all. You thought that was odd, considering the threatening nature of the noises that you were hearing. Scraping and clanking to be specific could be heard, followed by what sounded like drawers and doors opening and closing rapidly. The occasional crash of glass tinking against glass could be heard as well.

Peter stopped at the door, a weak light coming from inside. You could hear someone grumbling to someone. A man, talking to a woman. Peter was opening the door as you realized the voices sounded familiar, and before you could tell him to wait, Peter was zipping inside to confront the individuals.

"I'd stop that if I were you. Mr. Stark might be gone, but this building is still owned by his associates." Peter said as he clung to the roof in front of a large storage room door. The noises suddenly stopped and a growl erupted from the room.

"Spidey, uh, maybe we should be careful-" You started to say, when a large metal box was hurled at him. Thankfully, Peter managed to smack it away in time.

"Not one for talking, huh? Are you the strong silent type?" Peter said as he fired off a warning shot into the storage room. A small crash could be heard as a bunch of things fell to the ground and scattered all over the floor and out the door. You hid in the shadows and got closer to the door as Peter dropped down and darted into the room after the noise.

"Friday! Spidey needs the rest of the backup lights off!" You called out. The noises suddenly stopped as that familiar voice went 'huh?' And a second later, and the lights went out.

A scuffle occurred. You could hear Peter get hit and grunt as he came flying out of the room and hit the wall on the other side of the room. You gasped when it registered. You heard the distinct sound of bone breaking and Peter hissing in pain.

There was another crash, so you turned and stepped into the storage room, seeing a dark figure smash a window and climb up into it. The moon light hit his form just right, and you could tell immediately that it was Miguel. He turned to look back at you, tilted his head, then jumped. You looked back at Peter, seeing he was getting up and rubbing his neck.

You had a choice. Stay and help Peter, or chase Miguel.

"Get that jerk, Galaxy-Spider!" Peter shouted as he huffed while leaning against the wall. His arm looked like it was bent the wrong way, and his voice was dripping with pain.

That fucking dick broke your friend's arm!

You saw red, and then in an instant, you were across the room, handing Peter your bag for anything he would need, before running to and jumping from the window that Miguel had escaped from.

As you hit the night air, you looked around, catching a glimpse of Miguel zipping up a web to the roof of the building you just left. You scowled and hissed as you summoned a circle of light and stepped on it. You braced yourself and sent it straight upwards towards Miguel.

When he turned his head to check if he had gotten away, he recoiled in surprise when he saw that you were only meters behind him.

He reached out and shot a web to the next building over and kicked away from the tower. He used the momentum of the sudden change in trajectory to rocket himself away. He was fast, like ridiculously fast for a large hulking mass of muscle. It made sense, Jake was slightly smaller, but the cabbie was pretty fucking fast. So, of course Miguel, with the same setup, would be faster since he was a Spider.

Right?

"Get your ass back here!" You demanded as you aimed at him and shot off a web. He managed to twist himself out of the way. In doing so, he landed against the building and sprang away from it to go to another across the street.

"Fucker! I swear to the Gods, if you make me chase you, I am not going to be a happy girl!" You called out while making a series of glowing lights appear to get to him. He had gained a fair distance, now being three blocks away.

You could do this. You had chased far worse things than Miguel. This should be easy for you.

One blob at time, but surprisingly quickly as you hopped, skipped, and jumped your way to the fleeing Spider. You gave chase for over ten minutes, drawing you far away from the Stark Tower and the Sanctum. You hauled ass and pushed yourself to catch up with him, each breath coming out in a rush.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer…

Your lungs were burning and your muscles were aching with the effort to get to him. You were angry and upset that he had hurt your friend, and had the audacity to break and enter the building that belonged to said friend. You had an idea of what he was looking for, and you even offered to help him, yet here you were, chasing a potential thief that refused any help.

When Miguel looked back, you were almost able to grab at his ankle. The panic was evident in his body language, and in that split second, he shot you in the face with his webs.

Everything went dark and you stumbled while trying to pull the web from your face. You lost your footing, slipping and falling off the light. A strangled squeak came from you as your head smacked against another gob of light. Dizziness filled you as you kept falling. The ground would soon meet you and you were sure it would hurt and do some major damage.

A whoosh of air hit your ears as you were suddenly grabbed and sent flying. It took a moment to realize you weren't falling, but now were being carried while swinging in the air. Large muscular arms held you tightly against a well sculpted torso. The heat from the man was radiating nicely and it felt safe and warm, even though a few moments ago you wanted to punch him in his stupid face. A few moments later, and Miguel was setting you down gently, but he didn't let go. He was holding on in an effort to avoid you lashing out at him as he removed the webs from your face.

Well, you didn't lash out. You stayed still while trying to control your breathing. Your mask was taken off and when you looked up, Miguel had already discarded his on roof you were on. He held a look of concern as he inspected your head, finding a bump, but otherwise everything was fine.

"You gave me a scare, there. You weren't supposed to fall."

"Well you weren't supposed to commit a felony by breaking and entering Stark Tower, then I am pretty sure you broke my friend's arm!" You snapped at him and Miguel let go of you and took a step back.

"I broke his shocking arm!?" He seemed surprised and his face melted into remorse.

"I am sorry. He was trying to stop me from getting the information I needed, and he shot a web at Lyla. She's all I have left. I didn't mean to hurt him. I'm still getting used to these powers." He stammered as he showed you the lack of pockets and anything on his person, but the watch. You sighed, but still had to ask.

"Did you steal anything?"

"No! Well, uh, just the information I needed. I swear, I didn't take any of those glowing core things." He said and turned around.

"See? And no, I didn't put anything up there." He indicated to his rear, and it drew a small laugh from you. You cleared your throat and stood up.

"Well, you need to come back with me. Tell P- Tell Spidey that you're sorry and that you didn't mean to cause any harm, though you clearly did, you big brute. If you don't, the wizard will make your life really fucking hard." You scolded him and pointed back towards the tower. Miguel frowned as he looked down and sighed.

"Fine. I'm sorry I ran."

"Good! Now I'll just shoot him a text and let him know I am on the way back with you." You muttered while going for your pack. You froze when you remembered handing it to Peter.

"Ah, shit. I can't. I forgot I left my bag with him. Well, you're gonna just have to watch your back while we go."

***

By the time you got back to the tower, Peter had already called Stephen in. You could tell they were there because there was a warm orange glow of the portals he was so fond of. You had to check and make sure Miguel didn't just fuck off, which, thankfully, he didn't.

As you approached, you could see Stephen bent over Peter. He was fixing up his arm with magic and making sure Peter was alright when the lad sat up and pointed at you and Miguel.

"That's the guy!" Peter said as he jostled forward a bit and winced. Stephen smacked him lightly on the shoulder.

"Stay still. The last thing we need is you distracting me while I am trying to set the bone back into place!"

"But, Stephen, the guy that broke my arm is right there!" Peter argued with a whine.

"Settle down. I know he's there. I can clearly see him." Stephen said as he twisted Peter's arm suddenly. A loud crack was heard, and Peter gasped and almost threw up.

"But you're not even facing him…" Peter protested quietly. Stephen huffed and pointed up to his forehead and Peter went quiet. He didn't bother asking how he could still see Miguel, when that eye wasn't even facing him. He knew it was magic and left it at that.

"Heya, doc. I found the guy. Brought him back. He's willing to apologize and explain himself." You said as you motioned to Miguel, then to Peter.

"Good. I look forward to hearing about why he's caused such a fuss." Stephen stood there looking at everyone with his arms crossed. He looked mad and annoyed. Of course he'd be.

Miguel was nervous. He was shifting from one foot to the other as he looked at Peter.

"I, uh… I am sorry for breaking your arm. I… I am also sorry for breaking into this building." He glanced at Peter, then at Stephen, before his eyes landed on you.

"Okay. Cool. Apology accepted. Now, please enlighten me as to why you broke into my building?" Peter asked while Stephen started using magic to speed up the healing process.

"Your building?"

"Yes. This is my building."

"So that makes you Peter Parker, then." Miguel said as he motioned to the room around him.

"The man that Tony Stark left all his technology and businesses to. Wow. That's wild. You're so young." Miguel looked at you and huffed.

"You could have told me that, you know. I wouldn't have broken in here if I knew that this place belonged to your friend." Miguel complained and rubbed his face.

"You're a dick. I offered to ask my friends for help, but nooo, you said you wanted to do it all by yourself!" You said and threw both hands over to Peter. Peter was perfectly fine by now, Stephen's spell having worked its magic and fixed what Miguel had broken.

"I said I could have asked, and yet, you declined and ended up hurting my friend. I think you owe me an apology as well Miguel!"

"You're right. I'm sorry. I should have asked for help. I should have accepted your offer."

"Okay. Enough of this garbage. Can we go back to the Sanctum? I really need to finish this book I borrowed from Wong." Stephen spoke up and started walking through the portal.

"You're not going to punish me?" Miguel had a look of surprise on his face.

"No. That's for Peter and her to decide. I have enough shit to deal with already. Besides, you're a Spider-Folk. That's their jurisdiction." Stephen announced and then he went straight to sit at his desk with his book.

"Let's get going. You know how much he hates waiting." Peter whispered to you.

You nodded and looked at Miguel, curling your finger in a silent command to follow. Miguel hung his head in frustration as he followed on through. Once inside the library, the portal closed up behind you. Peter was the first to fling his mask off and flop into one of the arm chairs by the fireplace. You took yours off as you sat in the love seat and laid across it.

Miguel awkwardly looked at the other leather chair and sat down. From this angle he could see everyone, and he noticed the wizard's third eye was staring at him through the reflection of the mirror up on the wall beside him. That was unnerving, so he turned to look at Peter. The boy gave him an obnoxious smile as he looked Miguel over.

"That's a weird choice in a suit. You look like you're wearing a child's costume. I can see some of the seams are ripping." Peter quipped and you giggled.

"Look, my outfit was poorly planned in the time that I had." Miguel huffed and rolled his eyes as he relaxed into the chair.

He was spread eagle with the way he sat, and your eyes wandered down. Just a peek, right? What could it hurt?

"Hey, doc! Can ya fix up his ugly suit?" Peter glanced at you as he called out to Stephen.

You looked away as you blushed, Miguel eyeing you carefully as he crossed one leg over the other. Stephen grumbled and flicked his hands towards Miguel, and his suit resized and darkened with textures that weren't there before. Strange went right back to reading, but he was eavesdropping, ready to spring into action should Miguel blow his top.

Miguel's reaction was an undignified squeak and a grunt as the new suit formed around him. He stared at the gloves, noting the rubber like pads on the fingertips and the slits at the tips of the fingers for his claws. He got up and went over to the mirror and gawked at himself, twisting right and left as he looked at the professional fine detailing of the fabric patterns. Miguel looked like he was wearing boot shaped socks.

He didn't know what to say as he looked at you in the reflection of the mirror. You had been staring at him, eyes looking right at his impressive looking legs, looking up to his nice tight ass, then up his back to his shoulders, and finally to his eyes. You blushed and bit your inner cheek as you smiled at him. He winked at you and then turned to thank the doctor.

Miguel explained who he was, where he was from, and when. Stephen quietly listened, while Peter kept interrupting him to make a joke or a remark about something, like if he really fell into a dumpster, or if you had pushed him. It took about an hour to explain himself in what only took ten minutes to you privately. Stephen decided Miguel wasn't a threat, and offered to let him stay, but Miguel was very adamant about having a hotel room and that he didn't wish to be a burden.

Stephen wasn't having any of it. He refused Miguel's excuses and he showed him to a room, claiming he owed his son at least one day and night of his time for the inconvenience of temporarily breaking his arm. Miguel relented and followed Stephen to the room, and you didn't hear from him all night.

***

Series Masterlist

***

Note:

Sorry Peter. Miguel is really sorry.

Please like it if you enjoyed it, leave a comment, and share! ❤️ 💙

Tags:

***

Special thanks to:

Beta reader:

@einno-arko @theaussiedragon

Proof reader:

@iceclaw101

Ideas:

@theaussiedragon @einno-arko

@theaussiedragon @autismsupermusicalassassin @readingfan @missdragon-1 @marvelescvpe @lunar-ghoulie @cicithemess2000 @animesnowstorm @mahbeanz @dafuqelaine @bby-lupin @paranoiac-666 @konniebon @cl0v3r-s0up @seraphine-so-pretty @jupitersmoon167 @butterflypillows @ivystoryweaver @mintellaine @bxdbxtxh15 @badbishsblog @cleothegoldfish @xxmadamjinxx @bitchyexpertprincess @sakurayuki8655-blog @jklkverr @jkthinkstoomuch @oscarissac2099 @neteyamsluvts

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Get to Know the Unknowable!!

14 DEC 2023 Lest I ever forget this momentous day

Hey so I found a list of weird unambiguous questions so we're doing a get-to-know-the-blogger thing for shits and giggles, which I guess I'll link in my masterlist or something.

Gonna include some blog-driven questions first and then just delve straight into what-the-actual-fuck territory.

Here we goooooooooooo

Fandoms?

One Piece Live Action is the only one I'm actively writing right now, largely for my own sanity. Fandoms I also write for include One Piece anime/manga (of course, though I'm painfully behind), Death Note, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Seven Deadly Sins anime, Durarara!, Chrono Trigger/Chrono Cross, and maybe some others I might remember and add later or something. Feel free to make a random ask request for literally anything listed, there's a chance I might end up responding to it. But OPLA is my hyperfixation at the moment, with a little spice added here and there from manga. I make my own canon, don't like it then sail on.

Genres?

Oh fuck me up, I will write any genre. My original work is primarily horror, sometimes with a touch or fantasy or science fiction, almost always with a splash of crime. Fanfiction often revolves around romance, but if you want something niche, DEAR GODS TELL ME I WANT TO PARTAKE especially if it's horror please ask me to write horror

Reply time to ask requests?

My life is very chaotic right now, and thus therefore also is my reply time. Do not get disheartened if I write a few headcanons and/or a one-shot or two before I get to your request. Writing is very much a coping mechanism for me, so I write what I feel. That does NOT mean I'm not interested in your request, it just means that I want to make sure I'm in the right mindset to do it justice because I love you people and the fact that you like the shit I'm shoveling makes me so unreasonably happy.

Are you really an ageless unknowable horror?

Yes. We get into fandoms, too. Eternity gets fucking boring okay don't judge. Especially when your bff has been napping for LITERAL CENTURIES WOULD YOU WAKE UP ALREADY YOU TENTACLED DIPSHIT I'M STARTING TO RELATE TO THESE MORTALS AND IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE

What is the most ridiculous nightmare you have ever had?

Actually I wrote a whole ass horror story about it, which I might share here someday. So there was this epidemic of huge windstorms one night that knocked out the power in a handful of small towns around the world. Then the next day there were these weird little black rocks, oval shaped, about an two inches long and one inch wide. Smooth like river rocks with a white line running through them, just scattered around the towns here and there. Not super noticeable, not tons of them, but just enough that they looked out of place. If one came in contact with your skin, e.g. you picked one up or kicked one up into your shoe, you'd get this weird little pinprick of pain just behind your left shoulder. Three nights later, at precisely 2:43 in the morning (nonidea why, but it was 2:43, Inwill never forget that), you hear footsteps. Quick footsteps, small footsteps, coming toward wherever you happen to be, and then you're asleep. Then you wake up the next missing a limb or an organ, no signs of any injury or surgery or anything, just like it was never there to begin with (and obviously if itbwas a major organ then you never woke up again at all). There was a lot more detail, the dream was like living in some weird sci-fi horror movie, and it was so vivid that when I woke up from it I literally sat up and jerked away all my covers to make sure I still had all my limbs.

Tell us an embarrassing story.

Seventh grade. Close to the end of the school year. Was reading a book (I think it was The Shining), had one of my ankles crossed over my other knee, didn't realize I was somehow pinching a nerve. Had to stand up at end of class period, and one of my legs had gone completely numb. I stood, took one step, went down like a sack of bricks. The group of boys who used to bully me were all in the class and spent at least a month mocking the spectacle. Still think about that sometimes.

Explain an inside joke you have with a friend or family member.

Any time hubs and I go out together for any reason, one of us inevitably does Rick Sanchez voice "And awwwAAAAAyyy we gooo" before we leave the driveway. No idea how this started. No idea when it will end. I have a feeling we'll still be doing this into our 80s with no idea why.

Tell me your life story in exactly one sentence.

"Oh no, not again."

What is the strangest coincidence that ever happened to you?

Went to the beach when I was seventeen. Was sitting out on the boardwalk playing guitar by myself because toxic family members were doing nothing but argue and fight in our hotel room, I literally just walked out and no one noticed for hours. Was super peaceful. Got into a conversation with two strangers who had just met each other as well and were hanging out, two kind elderly men. As we were talking, I found out that one of them was from my very small hometown in New York and had moved to the beach recently; and the other was from the very small town I lived in at that present time in South Carolina, and had recently moved to the beach. Both of them had moved there at around the same time. I still think about that a lot.

What is your favorite random fact?

Pineapple eats you while you eat it.

What is your useless talent?

I can bend the top joint of all of my fingers without bending the second joint, a la Sith Force Lightning. Arguably it makes me better at music, but I've never had to bend my fingers like that playing guitar, so I disagree.

What is the strangest food combination you enjoy?

I literally have no idea. I'm a tremendous foodie and "strange" is relative when you're willing to eat literally anything put in front of you at least one time just to experience it.

What would you name your heavy metal band?

Plastic Peanutbutter

If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility, so people would like just leave me alone seriously I'm antisocial as shit just give me peace and quiet (not internet people, you guys are cool af)

What is your strangest irrational fear?

Gamma Ray Bursts. Do yourself a favor amd don't Google it. I spent literally two years of middle school fucking petrified of that shit. It still gets under my skin if I think about it too long now.

Describe your most eccentric family member.

It me! 😁 or maybe my niece, but she's basically my personality twin so either way.

Have you ever met a celebrity? Which celebrity would you like to meet?

Nope. But I really would love to have coffee with Stephen King and just talk about life. His On Writing memoir changed everything I thought about writing, taught me that imposter syndrome was a thing, and that even the most talented and successful artists have it. Really I just want to thank him.

What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare?

Got a tattoo. It's a skeleton key, on the outer side of my right thigh. I have another, but I got that one on a dare. Basically just because why not, and I literally forget it's there sometimes and sort of jump when I notice it.

What is the grossest thing you would do for $100?

Probably eat something super weird. Will literally try anything once, food-wise. In fact I'll usually try it twice, just to be sure.

What songs are on the soundtrack to your life?

Don't ask me that, we'll be here all goddamned year. A few right off hand though are "Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave, "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" by Elton John, "What it's Like" by Everlast, "Gone Away" by The Offspring, and "Vienna" by Billy Joel. I'm also unreasonably hyperfixated on The Fratellis right now because I suddenly remembered they existed a few months ago after more than ten years not hearing them at all and now I know almost their entire discography by heart. They're my feel-good band right now and pretty much all I'm listening to. Yes, there definitely is something wrong with me.

What actor would you choose to play you in your biopic?

Samuel L. Jackson. My life requires hefty use of the word "motherfucker." He might need a wig or two but I think he can handle it.

What is your go-to karaoke song?

I've never karaoked, but probably something from Chris Cornell, Ella Fitzgerald, Jewel, or Fleetwood Mac. Or "American Pie" by Don McLean.

If you were a superhero, who would be your archnemesis?

Probably myself rofl kinda don't like me very much

Create and describe an undercover alias.

Fancy black bowler hat, and a pair of those joke glasses with an attached giant nose and mustache. But like, be completely and totally serious about it, to the point that people are afraid to question you.

What is your most random impulse buy?

Death Note manga, complete box set. I was seventeen. I had money. Many years later and I do not regret it at all and it sits very close to my bedside.

What did you do as a teenager that makes you cringe now?

Let bullying bother me.

What would your warning label say?

"CONTENTS HIGHLY UNSTABLE, DO NOT TOUCH MIGHT TAKE OVER THE KNOWN UNIVERSE ON CONTACT or possibly cry hard to tell"

What is your guilty pleasure?

I don't think I have one. If it brings you happiness, don't waste your time being guilty about it. Just enjoy it and kick anyone who makes fun of you for it directly in the shin-bone. Actually don't do that just ignore them I'm not into violence.

What emoji do you use most often?

Combination of 🙄😒 to signify eyerolling.

Does your family practice any unusual practices?

Does emotional unavailability count asking for a friend

A genie grants you the ability to have infinite amounts of one item. What is it?

Guitar strings. Please. Dear sweet fuck PLEASE

What is your favorite joke?

A big moron and a little moron sit on a bridge. Which one falls off?

The big moron. Because the other one was a little more on.

Aaaaaahahaha

What is the best Halloween costume you ever wore?

Pirate. Always. I have so many clothes tucked in my closet and jewelry hidden away that are strictly there for the sole purpose of putting together an impromptu pirate costume it's honestly kind of sad honestly

What is the most awkward situation you ever found yourself in?

My very very religious mother-in-law noticing that I have a tattoo on my forearm...after SEVEN YEARS. Awkward af, but it was also hilarious.

What is the most ridiculous thing you believed as a child?

My older brother once told me when I was very young that vehicles move by rolling over and over end to end so fast that you don't know it's happening, and crashes happen when they hit a rock or a crack in the road the wrong way. I spent TWO YEARS secretly terrified of getting in a car before finally asking my mom about it and she just sort of sighed and said "oh god please stop listening to your brother"

What is the most outrageous lie you told a child?

I don't know Santa or something? I've got a ton of nieces and nephews. I try not to lie to kids, apart from letting them think magic exists for as long as possible, because everyone deserves to believe that.

What is the dumbest way you injured yourself?

Broke my pinky toe, because my dog got under my foot and I didn't want to step on her paw by accident so I jerked the wrong way

How do you waste time most often?

Probably napping. But given I have trouble sleeping at night that's sorta necessary or something I guess.

[kamyru]

Hey! The list of experiences you have had during your 3 years of med school are things that others wouldn't even think about occurring, and so the fact that you would be willing to delve into those topics through your writing, I think is really cool and I'm excited to see what you will write!

Could I request the third one on your list, about the sexual harassment from another employee with one of the characters of Romance MD: Always On Call?

Maybe Sen finding out his MC has been getting harassed by another doctor in the hospital, and that she hadn't told him, and how he would react/support her?

Hi, anon! Thank you for sending me this ask and telling me this. I was afraid that people would think that I seek attention. I'm happy to see that it wasn't the case. Medicine is hard, but I don't imagine doing anything else. I have always wanted to be into a profession that helps people. Yet, I think it's important to show the life from not its pinkest side. If anyone wants to send more requests regarding this, you can find the post in here (Turn my experience as a med student into fan-fiction ideas). I hope you'll like the result. ❤️

MC being sexually harassed by another doctor (Sentaro Kyogoku x MC) (Scenario)

Trigger warning: Sexual harassment

Author's note: The name Dr. Takahashi was chosen randomly.

Summary: Sentaro wanted to help MC enlarge her medical knowledge, however he had no idea where that would make to her.

Word counting: 1427

"Do you want to train under Dr. Takahashi?" Sentaro asked MC while in the EICU headquarters. He knew from the start what her reaction would be: big eyes full of enthusiasm, clapping hands, and unintelligible blabbering. When she finally got hold of herself, MC nodded and spiraled into continuous confirmations. "Butthead," Sentaro mumbled but didn't forget to pat her head.

Dr. Kyogoku hoped that MC's reaction was the same every time she woke up, understanding that she would spend another day with him. Okay, he knew that his girlfriend was at least half as animated in the mornings because of this, thankful she was a step away from reaching her dreams of saving lives and having the love of her life near her. MC would spend twenty-four hours with one of the leading doctors from the NICU, but Dr. Kyogoku was still the best in MC's eyes.

A curious and slightly jealous Sen met MC after her shift with homemade breakfast. However, instead of seeing an exalted MC who could barely shut her mouth, he met an absent-minded girl who didn't glance at the meat on the table.

"Was it a hard shift?" Sentaro asked while munching on something random from the table.

MC looked at him for a while and tried to smile. However, her lips contorted into a thin line that accentuated the bags under her eyes. She shook her head and walked to the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend. Dr. Kyogoku wanted to know more about her shift, her experience with Dr. Takahashi, the differences between them, and maybe some tips. Though, not after MC's sleep, nor any other day he got any information. All he could find was that it was normal and a little about the patients. Sen cared about the patients. It was his job. But he could read their reports. What he wanted to know was about the doctor. A furrow appeared between Sen's brows, a furrow that would grow only deeper.

The first time Sen had a hunch that something wasn't alright was the next day at the EICU headquarters when MC moved her chair a little further from Takado when he sat near her. The furrow spread to the orthopedist. Yet, everyone knew MC and her antics, so there was no reason to get worried, was it?

However, the furrow was more contagious than anyone could expect. Its next victim was Ekuni, whose entire couch got avoided by the once clumsy MC who tripped on him every other day. Poor Hosho had it even worse because his existence was entirely ignored.

The circle was complete when MC flinched under Kasumi's touch when his hand found its place on her shoulder during a meeting. That was when everyone understood that something had happened, and it wasn't just about MC's antics. So, Kasumi had to do something about this because MC was a part of his team, a dear friend, and Sen's most important person.

"Did you observe it?" the cardiologist asked Sen after a meeting in his office. The pediatrician didn't need an explanation to know what his boss was talking about. His shoulder fell, and he let out a long breath.

"Something happened. Why don't you try to cheer her up? Maybe a change of environment will help?"

Sen didn't know what to say but knew he had to do something. For the rest of the day, he tried small tricks on MC to cheer her up: ate ramen with her, used more of his voice, and spent most of the day in her company. However, nothing changed even when they found themselves in Sen's car. So, the boyfriend had to use the last resort.

"What do you think about another shift with Dr. Takahashi?" Sen tried, even if he hadn't talked his over with the doctor.

At these words, MC's eyes got bigger, and she tried to say something, but nothing coherent left her lips. All Sen could understand was his girlfriend's head shook. Something happened, and this had to do with Dr. Takahashi. On the next red light, the man put a hand on MC's thigh, in an attempt to calm her and encourage her to open up. However, she flinched even harder than when Kasumi touched her. She moved her leg, trying to escape from her boyfriend's touch. Sen apologized, then apologized again. Even if it was something normal to rest his hand on her thigh, he had to accept that it made her uncomfortable. He wanted to talk to her about this as soon as possible, but MC ran out of the car when he stopped and shut herself in the bathroom. After an hour, she left but chose to take the side of the bed nearer to the wall, pressing herself entirely on it and putting as much space between her and Sen as possible.

Sen couldn't let it slide. MC was his girlfriend and the most precious person in his life. If she couldn't talk about what had happened, he had to find out by himself. And the fastest route to do it was to go to the first clue - the person after whose interaction with MC had changed: Dr. Takahashi.

It wasn't as if Dr. Kyogoku and Dr. Takahashi were besties. They had a purely professional relationship where they were the happiest not to interact outside the hospital. However, they respected each other as doctors, which was the reason behind Sen's possibility to send MC to study under him. But he was ready to throw everything under the bus if it was for MC.

"I came here to ask you about my protege," Sen started with one of his signature smiles.

"MC? She is one of the best residents I have met in my entire career. You taught her well."

For a second, Dr. Kyogoku let a genuine smile reach his lips. He couldn't stop himself from feeling proud of MC. She was one of the best. However, he didn't have to forget why he was there.

"Did you have any emergencies then? Lost a patient?"

Dr. Takahashi shook his head. They had two operations during the day and then did check-ups. Sen was ready to leave and ask the nurses and the patients or even try to make MC talk. However, the second he stepped outside, he heard Dr. Takahashi mumbling: "Poor thing you are the one who took MC first. Fantastic body and soul."

And it clicked. The furrow between Dr. Kyogoku's brows grew the deepest, and the anger took control of him. With heavy steps, he approached his colleague and took him by the collar.

"What did you just say? What did you do?"

The older doctor tried to step back to escape Sen's fury. However, the grip on his collar was too strong.

"I did nothing wrong. I just listened to my desires. And don't tell me that you have never thought about touching that butt at least once."

Maybe Dr. Takahashi thought he did nothing wrong and was too sure of men's solidarity. But it didn't stop Sen from punching him in the face. In an attempt to save his butt, the offender took a heavy book from his desk, ready to avenge himself. Yet, Dr. Kyogoku was faster and made his opponent drop the improvised weapon. That weakened his defense, and a punch found its place on his lips. Thankfully, the nurses heard the noise and ran to stop the two doctors. Five minutes later, both of them were in the HR office.

MC had no idea what her boyfriend discussed with Dr. Takahashi and the HR department. What she knew was that she had to take care of Sen's wound as gently as possible.

"That's for the first time you touch me in days," Sentaro whispered.

MC let go of Sen's chin and looked at her feet. A tear fell down her cheek.

"You know what happened, don't you?"

"Broadly," Dr. Kyogoku nodded.

That made MC break. She covered her face with her hands, and fat tears fell on the ground.

"Can I touch you?" a heartbroken Sen asked, afraid to hurt MC even more. After he got her approval, he put his hands around her shivering body. "It's okay. I won't let anything like this happen again. It wasn't your fault."

MC's weak hand found its place against her boyfriend's chest. She couldn't talk just then. But she would. And even if she wouldn't, Sen was ready to be near her as long as she needed him and a little longer.

[mythundermeme]

Arcane starters

note: feel free to tweak details to fit the muses. do not add to this list. other meme blogs, please don’t reblog.

content/trigger warning: death, violence, swearing, vomiting

ACT 3

episode 07

"I knew it was a mistake trusting you."

"You've been a real picnic yourself."

"Hey, stop! Get your hands off of me."

"You shy? Or just ugly?"

"You look good for a dead girl."

"That was a long time ago. People change."

"You were following us? Why didn't you say something?"

"You still punch like a little boy."

"I remember when you wouldn't stand up to me."

"Perhaps the error resides not with your calculations, but with your subjects."

"Nature has made us intolerant to change. But fortunately, we have the capacity to change our nature."

"I know the look of a doomed man."

"If you take this path, they will despise you."

"Love and legacy are the sacrifices we make for progress."

"I tried taking it apart and it nearly killed me."

"Everything you said about him was true."

"My family cast me out and yet, part of me still loves them."

"He disappeared. He does that sometimes."

"It didn't sound like a request."

"Let's just say I didn't always see eye-to-eye with my old man."

"I didn't lose her. They took her!"

"Why would I remember her name?"

"They needed somewhere safe to start again."

"She's still in there. I can reach her."

"I order a blockade and my own partner violates it?"

"Have you forgotten where we came from?"

"Listen, let her go."

"I brought her here."

"It's me you want."

"I thought they were hurting you!"

"Don't move, silly. I might hurt you."

"Have you forgotten how she left you?"

"I am your family. Everyone else betrays us."

"Your people hunt us like animals."

"Your people aren't dying all around you."

"The peace is already broken."

"Shut up. It's just a goodbye hug."

"Oh, look who it is. The boy savior."

episode 08

"He wanted me to know death."

"Your brother thinks he can talk his way out of anything."

"I will give you the world, child, if you prove you can take it."

"Kill her now, and only one must die."

"You understand you've broken several laws?"

"Sometimes death is a mercy."

"You're a scary lady."

"War isn't our first and every recourse."

"Weapons can't be unmade, and they are always used."

"What happened to her, it's not your fault."

"I understand this must be painful. I'm afraif it will only get worse."

"I have to get home. It isn't safe for me here."

"We're no strangers to failure."

"They're still cleaning the blood off the bridge."

"I remember where your fancy damn door is."

"Go back to that big, shiny house of yours and just… forget me, okay?"

"Everything you do inspires me."

"You said you were tired of doing nothing."

"That's the only sensible thing that came out of anyone's mouth tonight."

"Of everyone up here, you're the one she trusted to do something."

"We got a deal, pretty boy?"

episode 09

"He knew what he was signing up for."

"Do you not understand? I am part of this now."

"You won't make it alone."

"You gonna do anything about that piece of shit who murdered my boy?"

"At least we have the solace of knowing he died fighting for our cause, instead of some petty personal dispute, as so often occurs here."

"You're one to talk about sacrificing for the cause."

"March back to your ship and get the hell out of my city."

"Get a hold of yourself. I taught you better."

"I wanted to protect the city from people like you."

"I would set the world ablaze to protect our family."

"At least you didn't throw up."

"Everything made sense then."

"What about your disease?"

"We lost ourselves. Lost our dream."

"In the pursuit of great, we failed to do good."

"You know what bore us through those times? Loyalty."

"Now I'm forced to share the air with parasites like you who leech off their legacies."

"I still believe in loyalty."

"Perfect place for an ambush."

"I was reminded recently of what brought us together in the first place."

"I give you credit for your stunt."

"They weren't her crimes, she was working for me."

"We both have our shitty parts to play."

"You'd be surprised what you can pull off when your life depends on it."

"It's not enough to give people what they need to survive, you have to give them what they need to live."

"And what do I lose but problems?"

"Is there anything so undoing as a daughter?"

"She still needs you. They all do."

"They're right not to trust us."

"With respect, I don't give a shit what any of you think of me anymore."

"Nothing ever stays dead."

"I always heard you. Shadows in the streets, prickles on the back of my neck."

"The only thing that kept me going was the thought of getting back to you."

"I paid your girlfriend a visit this morning."

"Make her go away, please."

"You wouldn't lie to me. Not again."

"You're my daughter. I'll never forsake you."

"I never would have given you to them. Not for anything."

"I thought maybe you could love me like you used to."

[rottinghouseplants]

In the quiet town of Newcrest, Iris is a talented young tattoo artist that has spent her entire life putting others' needs before her own, caught in a relentless cycle of people-pleasing. But when she finally decides to break free from her past and embark on an exhilarating new journey in the bustling metropolis of San Myshuno, her life takes an unexpected and thrilling twist. Surrounded by a mischievous and enigmatic crowd who challenge her every notion of right and wrong, Iris discovers a side of herself she never knew existed. Will she succumb to the allure of her newfound freedom, transforming into the captivating villain she tried so hard to protect others from her whole life?

Trigger Warning: mentions of depression, and parental drug use, and other heavy topics

Made For Mercy: Prologue: Suburban Hellscape

I have uncovered a sinister truth, one that many people overlook, or their souls forget in time. The real monsters aren't lurking in the shadows, or under your bed. They don't have razor sharp teeth or claws that could tear through you. They lurk in plain sight. You pass them on the street everyday, oblivious to the danger around you. The real monsters aren't the ones in bedtime stories and folklore, they are those that smile in your face while they twist the dagger that lies buried deep in your back. Their presence is so pervasive it can almost be felt, like a cold chill that slowly creeps into your veins. Their malicious intent lingers in the air, and they leave behind a trail of broken promises and shattered dreams. They are the true monsters, hidden in plain sight.

I could feel the warmth of the daylight pouring through the blinds, beckoning the alarm bells from my bedside table. I remember a time where this was easier, getting out of bed in the morning didn't feel like such a chore. I longed for the time when my reality felt better than my dreams. These days, I'm not sure if I've been stuck in one of those nightmares for years. My eyelids were heavier than even the day before, but I had to push through. That's what adults do, right...?

The only thing guaranteed is that I have to work in order to pay to survive, but that feels so hopeless. Another day in paradise, seems like such a joke now. I knew that I had to keep going, even though I wanted to give up. My mental health was unravelling and I was becoming more exhausted with each day, but I couldn't stop. I felt like I was trapped in a cycle of having to do something I didn't want to do, just to be able to survive. I had no other choice - I had to keep pushing, even if I didn't think I had the strength to do it. I felt like I was betraying myself and my principles, but I had no other option. After all, who would take care of the cat?

I rolled over and grabbed my cellphone off the bedside table, silencing the alarm. I let out an audible sigh, three unread texts from my mother, if you can even call her that anymore.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

I'm your mother. Please call me back.

I promise I'll go to AA. I'll get clean, I promise. I love you. I know you're tired of me apologizing.

I tossed my cellphone to the floor, I feel a pang in my chest. I can't count the amount of times I've opened those same messages, and I didn't have the heart to engage in it anymore. There's something about losing your parent to drugs and booze, that tears you in half. I don't recognize her anymore. I push the hair out of my face, and get out of bed, struggling with the internal battle within my mind. On one hand, I want to forgive her and be her emotional support, but on the other, the endless cycle of promises and apologies has left me feeling jaded and broken. I look down to see Pixel holding a ball of yarn in his mouth, staring at me.

"Hey buddy, do you want to go outside for a little bit?"

He turns and trots off towards the door, yarn ball in tow. I trail behind him, grabbing my cigarettes and lighter off my drawing desk. I pause for a moment, my hand hovering over the lighter. Am I really any better than her or dad? I know that I should quit smoking but I also know that the nicotine will help sooth my frayed nerves. I sigh heavily, feeling the inner conflict between doing what I know is right and giving in to vice. I reluctantly light the cigarette and step outside onto the back porch.

My mom used to say something to me when the depression got bad, and it has lived in my brain rent free for years. I hear her say it every time things get bad again. She really loved Alice in Wonderland growing up.

Don't go down the rabbit hole again.

I can't go back there. Never again.

But I can feel the darkness creeping in, the despair and anguish threatening to take over my soul. I know I can't ignore it forever. I'm so scared, so scared of what I could do, what I could become. I'm scared of the person I'll transform into if I let it consume me.

I look around and see the void my mom has left. Everyone always talks about forgiving the addict because you have to hate the addiction, not the addict. But no one ever talks about how the children of addicts have to cope with the feeling of being torn in half. Spending your whole life, feeling like you have to downplay your accomplishments and small victories, because you don't want to take the focus of their healing. Feeling like you can never share the things that bring you joy, because they can't focus in active addiction. It's hard to navigate those feelings, it's hard to heal from that, but god damn it, you have to try.

I looked down at Pixel, rolling around the porch with his yarn ball. I took a deep drag of my cigarette and smiled. I don't know who I'm trying to convince, the world around me or myself. I decided about two weeks ago that I'm going to move to San Myshuno. Call me a quitter or a runner if you want, but I need to get out of this place. I can't let the darkness take over me, I can't let it win. Pixel and I deserve a new beginning. I have to rewrite this story, no matter how hard it is.

[milky-way-n-cookies]

I Miss You

I miss you. I miss being your friend. I miss talking to you all day, everyday. I miss sharing stories with you, talking about movies and cartoons and everything else. I miss geeking out with you. I miss telling you things that I would never dare tell anyone else. I miss trying new things with you. I miss all the silly things we would do together. I miss just hanging out with you, dreaming about the future (that i'd never have the strenght or willpower to pursue). I miss hearing you talk about the things that you love and learn new things (and i'm sorry that i'd forget about it soon after, i didn't mean to I swear). I miss drawing you, and being drawn by you. I miss being childish with you. I miss being able to be a kid with you, even though we met on our late teens and early twenties.

I do NOT miss your high expectations on me. I don't miss how you would expect me to give up my life, my time and my personality just for you, simply because you were used to doing that for others. I don't miss how you'd be sad every time i got something good going on in my life just because you didn't have that (when you had other things going on for you and hey - i'd be jealous of you, too! but i never let that show). I don't miss how you'd be jealous of my other friends when I told you a billion times that none of them had what we had. I do not miss how'd you never believe me when i said that i loved you, just because i wasn't doing - or being - exactly what you wanted me to. I do not miss your tantrums and how you'd talk to me in a offensive manner, attacking me everytime you got angry. I do not miss you asking me to tell you everytime I was with my boyfriend, or asking me if I got texts from other people - and then getting angry at me for not feeling comfortable in telling you that type of thing. I do not miss you not being able to understand that I wasn't available for you all the time. I do not miss your inability to understand my financial situation at that time. I do not miss you intentionally doing things that you thought would harm me just because you wanted me to suffer like you were suffering - exactly like you told me one time. I do no miss the fact that you stated that you wanted to use me to replace your mother's care, and i definetely do not miss that you got mad when i said that I don't want to be that for you. I do not miss how you said that you didn't go on vacation during our college break to spend time with me without even telling me, and then got mad that i had other plans. I don't miss you comparing my life to yours, failing to see the bad things that were happening in my life as well - having you as a friend being one of them. I don't miss how you made me feel wrong, like a bad person, because I couldn't be exactly who you wanted me to. I do not miss when I told you about my complications with this type of relationship and you did not care and insisted that I do it anyway. I do not miss when you cried at my birthday party, in front of all my family and friends, saying that you felt bad because everyone was talking about future plans and you were never included in anything - but you were included in a very present plan, hey, you were at my birthday party! I wanted you there, and you failed to see it. You'd cry everytime someone else got the attention that you wanted all for yourself. I do not miss how'd you suddenly run away everytime without saying anything. I do not miss how you'd make sure everyone knew your triggers but never cared about mine. I do not miss how you'd always force me to say things that I didn't want to just because that's what you wanted to hear. I do not miss feeling scared of telling you things or talking to you because i never knew how you would react. I do not miss you "trauma dumping" me and then blocking me the single time I felt bad enough to do the same. I do not miss when you said that you'd felt like hurting me to your friends over twitter - and then proceeded to not understand why that upset me. I do not miss you only doing thing to me because you expected i did the exact same for you as if human relationships were some sort of transaction.

When I put it like that, the scale is unbalanced. The bad things pile is way bigger than the good things pile. But still, I miss you. Because at some point we had a true connection. I know I was wrong to keep you around expecting you to go back to being the good friend that I met and had a lot of fun with during the pandemic. It was my mistake to expect you to go back, and I understand that in this moment i was the one who hurt you with my expectations. Like you, I wanted you to be someone you weren't anymore and I'm sorry for that. I guess i just missed my friend a lot. I'm sorry if I hurt you because this whole situation was difficult for me, too. I didn't know how to act, I've never had a friend like you before. And a lot of your triggers were pulling mines, too. We hurt each other a lot, even unintentionally - althought there were times when you did it pretty much intentionally. I always saw you like a victim, that once you got the help you needed we could go back to being friends exactly like before. But i was wrong, and that was not fair. When i understood that I couldn't wait for you to "get better" by your side and tried to go away, you said all those bad things about me and that hurt me a lot. In that moment, I realised that we could never go back to what we were because these things would echo through my mind. How can I be friends with someone who wished the worst for me? In our case our relationship is exactly like this phrase that my boyfriend told me once: "a ralationship is like coffee. Once it cools down, it doen't matter if you try to re-heat it, it won't taste the same". I guess that it must mean something that all my friends, family and boyfriend never liked you in the first place.

Still, I miss you. For some fucking reason I miss you.

[covnstryder]

Pov: You both were staring at yourselves, ignoring the fact that the world around you was in complete chaos. Who were they? Who were you? You weren't sure. The only thing that made you think that it isn't just a dream was their hand in yours, their thumb gently drawing circles in the front of your hand They were holding in a way that tried to say "I'm sorry." You didn't want to let go. Why would you? You could die with them in agony, you could get tortured, but still love them. Your special person, that you loved more than anyone else would think you could love them. But the war was too complicated for you. You know they won't be allowing you to stay here, that you will need to go back. Or forward, as most people would say. But you didn't feel like you were able to do that. You were scared that you would never meet them. Not in a real person, no, you know it won't happen after you go. You were scared that you've changed history so much, that there won't be any paintings about them. They won't be mentioned in any documents or letters. They will be completely gone. And that was a terrifying thought for you. "Hey, dear." They whispered. So quiet. So, calm. Like a delicate wind on the flower field. "Hm?" You murmured, looking at the ground. "It's time for you to go." They said in a harder tone, but you could hear the pain tearing out of their chest with every letter that they have just said. "I don't want to..." You answered, connecting your and their eyes for a split second. Just a short enough time to notice the small tears that they tried to hide so bravely. They looked at you and gently rubbed your chin. You couldn't say anything more. They understood. They always did, as far as you can remember. You moved your head a little up, and your lips met their lips. At the same time, you felt something cold next to your head. You knew what that was. A gun. You would feel the tears of grief and sorrow falling from their eyes like a thunderstorm at you. You also started tearing up, finally showing your emotions. "Here, on the battlefield... Things like that happen literally every second they say, their voices shaking. But when they were just to pull the trigger, it didn't happen. Instead, they fell on the ground quietly, being shot straight in the head. You don't remember what happened next. You don't remember the pain or the sound of their body falling. And so, after five years of being in their time, you were back in 2022, taking your headphones off your head really gently. You felt the tears on your cheeks being dry. You lifted your shirt and noticed a large scar on your chest. It was in the place where the heart is. You touched it, breaking down completely. You were back. But at what cost?

"Wait I turn around and run back into his already open and waiting embrace one last time "please don't "Shh, it'll be ok." He cuts me off. I pull away and look into his tear-built eyes, with mine currently in the same state. We stare into each other's eyes in a solid understanding that it won't be ok. Neither of us will be ok, without each other, and it won't be for a long time. He breaks the eye contact and pulls me back into an embrace. I hear his gentle, almost whispered sobs echoing right through my ears. "We have to go back. We've been in The In Between for too long." "I know. The In Between. The in between our worlds. The in between reality and fiction. But couldn't both be reality? The SAME reality? No. We both found out when the only mix was this black void of longing in the two. He grabs my hand, intertwines our fingers, and kisses my knuckles. "Do me a favor?" "Anything." I state simply, as if he should have known I was going to say that. "Don't forget me." "I could never," I remember him as a single teardrop finally breaks out of the pool in my eyes. And his silhouette became distorted, flickering, and fading from view. I fall to my knees, and squeeze my eyes shut, hoping it's not real. Clasping at the memory of him, praying to God he will still be there when I open my eyes. But none of it was real. He's not real. And when I open my eyes I'm not in The In Between, but in the comfort of my bedroom. Sitting on my floor. And instead of holding his hands in mine, I look down and find the wet pages in my hands, marked and stained with teardrops. Teardrops that formed from nothing but a dream. You're supposed to forget dreams, I always do But we made a promise. "Never forget."

How can someone be so mysterious and kind at the same time? Like, I can't understand her. She's so calm, quiet, pretty, polite, mysterious... everything. Have I met her before? idk, but feel like I already knew her before we met. It's just a strange feeling but I do feel like it's something more... something in her eyes makes me think i've already fallen for 'em in... maybe another life?

Every time I listen to "Mystery of love" I keep remembering her and those beautiful eyes - those deep and dark eyes, like the deepest of the oceans: mysterious and...I still don't know the word. Maybe she's just pretty and I just feel attracted, but still, maybe not.

"Must you leave? "Questioned the princess "yes my future queen must but until I'm back wish on the stars perhaps we are wishing on the same one." "I promise to." Her voice cracked after" Come home please" "I promise a butterfly. "Then goodbye my fox." She whispered her eyes foggy with tears. He softly touched her cheek "no crying my love." "Goodbye my Spy master she answered sweetly looking away. "Goodbye my light I love you" Years passed and she sat every night praying to the stars she once bright blue eyes were icy, her voice was cold commanding and as she prayed every year for him to come home she stirred to think that he would never come back she thought it was done she had to move on a young man no older than 13 was now part of her splesing training and keep her company it's been dying with her he'd would sing and smile even if she rarely talked to him she likes his company. My queen! have one question for you" he did ask "what is it?" all she answered "why do you pray to the Stars is there someone you're looking for?" "yes" was all she answered her tone as cold as always her smile never there "who my queen,who He asked again "my love "was all she answered "what does he look like he asked are his eyes golden like the sun are they blue like yours does he smile does he sing what's his hair color?"he had so many questions and she wanted no answers for she simply said this, "he looks like the night sky his eyes is clear as the ocean his laughter is pure as the sunlight his smile as bright as the sun he would sing and laugh and dance and he was my master of spice my first and my last and that "she had said that a young man the same age as her appeared from and behind the boy had no clue what was going on all new that he was trying to protect his Queen "Xavier ?"All She said "hello my love" he said I see you're praying to the Stars." you insolent intolerable boys she laughs her chocolate hair falling for it place knowing that he was going to smile and he was smiling as bright as it once was" I see you haven't changed much my queen you're still cuss as much as you did before The scolded smiling she smiled "I'd hit you but then I'm in a trip...she told him "Still unsteady on those high heels I see my queen" He asked knowing that she hate those things "yes, yes I am now get over here so can kiss you" she ordered "of course my love anything for you." purred gently smiling then they kiss the end

The guy at the castle That guy, the one at the castle The one with the hot blonde hair The one with the beautiful blue blended eyes That guy with the soft sweet smile that could break a thousand hearts if they saw what's beneath that smile, That smile is not only cute and cozy, but heart wrenching. The guy that broke my heart without ever trying the guy who ended our relationship before it began. The guy who has the sweetest smart soul you will ever find. This guy, fantasies and all, is the love of my life, and although he doesn't know it now, he is the reason keep going, and he is the reason, I still cling to the happiness and hope inside my heart and head.

"I'll love you till all the stars in the universe burn out." "You're lying." said, blushing. "You're right, I'll love you even after they have."

"But I can't leave you" "My love, I am not real" "You are real to me" "But will that ever really be enough?

I have to go" "l'll be alone, though" "No you won't, not really. I'll be in the chapters, waiting for you to visit. The chapters just won't be your biography" "I'm nearing the end of your story." "Yes...it appears this is goodbye, reader" "But I don't want it to end." "My story will always start when you open from the beginning. I shall see you again."

"Will you be behind me?" "Don't look back." "Why?" "Because you won't see me..."

"It's time." He whispered, eyes narrowed, hiding the pain within them as he stood across the field. Knowing he cannot touch you but longing too, his hands tightening into fists. "it's fine, really. Feeling his nails pierce his palms, hating the tears that fall down your face as you shake your head in denial. "You'll move on and forget about me." Hand raising up to reach for you while yours gently caresses the page. "For I am not real while you are and you'll find him. know you will. So please... be happy and we could always meet again. In a better place than here. Where I can hold you..."

"The only difference between your dreams and reality is that you don't spend your dreams thinking about reality, you just live. live a little, while you can.

"You aren't real, are you?" I whisper one night to them. "What?" "You aren't real. You're a figment of my imagination." They take their hands in mine. "Not a figment of your imagination. I'm real," I shake my head, tears falling to the floor. "No, you aren't. You're just someone who didn't want to let go." look at them in the eyes. "You're just someone I couldn't let go. But you aren't real." They sigh. "You're right. I'm not real. But our memories?" They meet my eyes: "Our memories are real."

"I'm sad"-"don't". "Why?"- "because". "Because, why?"-"you think everything lasts forever?". "foolish", "Huh?"-"nothing lasts forever". "But I'll be sad", "can't you understand". "What are you saying?17"-"I said nothing lasts forever". "Yeah and I'll be sad when you're gone". "you won't be sad forever".

It's night, and it wasn't the same. Sitting on swings alone and watching the stars. "Why are you sad?" "You know. I just don't want to say goodbye. It's hard for me." "Yes, it might be hard for you. But it will make me happy to know that you made it." It sits on swings "I know, and part of me will be happy. But part of me will always miss this." "You know that will always be with you. "How?" "You see that moon?" "Yes" "It's beautiful just like you, and it always comes out with stars. You are the moon, and will always be a star that will be with you every time. But when you see a moon without stars behind, you will forget about me because you are doing alright." "I'll never forget you." "Don't make a promise that you can't keep." "I don't want to say goodbye I don't want to go." "You have to. You will meet someone else that will make you laugh more and make you more comfortable than me." "Thank you. Thank you for being my escape, thank you for everything that you have done for me. But I know that I can't thank you enough for another 3 lives." "You don't have to thank me. You need to thank yourself. You are the one who created me in your mind. You are so strong." Hug while crying Wakes up in the morning crying. The whole day spent in the room was sad. Seeing the moon and the stars at night.

"I think this is the end?"

"But I don't want it to stop"

"You can start all over again" "But it won't feel the same"

"I will always be the same"

"I guess it won't be a goodbye then"

"You don't understand... I can't hold on anymore" "They are almost here just a little longer" "Goodbye, I will love you now and forever"

He looked at me through all the raindrops falling between us.

"Why?" He asked while tears were running down his cheeks.

"Why did you forget me? You promised you'd never forget. Yet it's like they don't exist to you anymore" he cried out.

With swollen eyes, and a shaky voice, I answered, "I just realized you weren't real. You felt like you were. But you never will be." I turned around, and walked away, heartbroken, and having lost all hope for saving. The one person, that had by my side, through everything. Happy, sad and hard moments, were never actually there. It was all in my mind. My creation. To comfort myself. I turned to look back. But he was gone, I deleted him. Along with my feelings. Goodbye.

"How do I feel about you? How do I hear you? How do I see you? If you are not here, how do I love you? If you were never here, how do I know you?" You said.

"I will never stop loving you. Ever. I will love you until the stars burn out." said through burning tears and tired eyes. "Ellaire, my stars are already burning out, but that doesn't mean they will ever stop loving you. Even after my stars are out." Xavier said to me, still looking in my eyes, but they aren't as shiny as they were a week ago. He gives my hand one last kiss as he closes his eyes and takes his last breath. I plead his name as more tears spilled out of my face, as if my eyes were waterfalls. "Please don't go,"I begged him, "it's too early, please. That was the last thing I could say to him before the tears choked me up. I hate this place and I hate these buzzing lights and hate the nurses prying me away from his bed. I hate this world. If God were so good, why did bad things happen to good people?

"C'mon smile" "Why? There is no reason" "Because I'm here" "You aren't real" "That doesn't make me stop loving you" "I love you too" "Now, smile"

"Do I know you?" "You don't, does it matter?" "Maybe, now I would have liked you" "You can't know that" "Even so, I know I will remember you"

"When you need me but do not want me, I must stay, but when you want me but no longer need me then I must go"

"You only exist in my head and in my heart. you always disappear when I open my eyes." "that's right." he smiled. "Why did you smile?" "Because I know that your heart is safer than anywhere on earth i could be."

"It's time," he said, his voice solemnly as the rains of my subconscious began to drip and fall. The lights of the city began to melt into the buildings, trickling down and pooling into the reflections made by the puddles on the streets. I looked up and saw even the moon began to melt, exposing the warm black nothingness behind her. "N-no!" I pleaded, "No I can't go. What about you? What about them? What will happen to all of this? The world was slowly fading, washed away into the same warm blackness "This is not your world, love," he steadied my face in his hands, stifling the wails beating from my throat, "You have to go back. "No- I stammered. "I have nothing there!" sobs constricted my throat. "This is my home!" "Yes and it will never leave you" he kissed my forehead. His hands remained steady, preventing me from watching the city fade away. The rain kept pouring down, the nothingness dripping How his shoulders, I realized he was trying to keep me from watching the devastation happening around us. I glanced down and noticed his feet were gone. "Look at me" he breathed. "Eyes on me. love you As long as you believe in me will always be here: "P-please no." croaked, "No, love you! Don't-don't go" My eyes darted all around, watching as the rain washed his shoulders away. pleaded, my voice still constricted by my sobbing. Within seconds, all that remained was his hands on my face, and the final kiss he placed on my lips I opened my eyes with a start and shot up. My laptop cast a cold glow across my hands as they lifted to my face. I could feel the impressions made by the keyboard, but also the lingering sensation of his hands.

The end of your story "You are more than just my comfort character, you are what makes me feel ok not to be ok. To me without being anything or anyone else.""I know that" "Then why do you have to go" "Because you now know how to go on without me. You don't need me there to guide you anymore." "But I do need you to guide me" "That is where you are wrong. I have given you all you need to fly but now you have to find out how to put it all together on your own." "What will I do when you're gone" "You will find a new comfort character that will teach you more. Guiding you in more ways. Helping you grow to the person I know you can because." "I love you, does that not mean anything" "It does but love doesn't hold you back, it should put romantic tragedy.

The girl, a novelist, and the boy, a poet, bonded over their shared love of writing, Other than that, one thing, they're opposites. The girl always expressed her love for the stars. She'd tell the poet about her desire to join the stars one day. The dreamy novelist dies of chronic illness but she leaves a finished book; one about a girl in love with the night sky. Laced into her beautiful writing is her love for the poet. The last line of her novel?" wish for my lover to be as admired as the moon and for me to be as constant as the stars, forsh you up on to bigger and better things." "So our love will only live in my memories" "Yes, but you will live with the love forever just to play it all back." "forever with our love will never be enough for me." "I know but you will find another love, another comfort character. I love you but I must go."-as quick as the story started, it ended. As I see my comfort character walk through the pages to the end, I see how the pages I read change me. Knowing that will have love for the character I call home forever, in my heart-

One of the great tragedies of reading is never being able to experience a book the same way you did the first time you read it "I don't know how long we can last..." "We're going to last forever." "But how long is it forever?" "As long as you want it to be."

You suffer more in your imagination than reality but the joy your imagination can give you can't compare to what reality has to offer.

"Everything has become a dream and a dream should remain. And when dawn hits your eyes hide and keep dreams, not letting them drown in the depths of daytime reality. The world is not yet ready to see what is real and the world will never be ready..."

It was the last page of a novel, the last panel of a comic, the post-credits of a movie, the final episode of a TV show. You knew their world wasn't ending. For the character, the world will keep turning. But you also knew this was when the door to their world closes. You close your eyes and sigh. You wished you could forget it all, so you could rediscover this magical world once more for the first time. Then, in your mind, the character beckons to you." who says you couldn't come back? I'll always be here. All you have to do is flip to the first page. All you have to do is click replay." You knew you shouldn't. There were other things in your life you needed to do. Schoolwork, jobs. But reality is cruel and imagination is free. And so, for one more time, the doorknob clicks, and you step into this world again.

He felt so alive so real he was beyond words, he wasn't just a fictional character from a book he was more he was more comfortable. I felt every emotion with him cried laughed and wished I could be part of his world.

Right person, wrong time; right script, wrong line; right poem, wrong rhyme; and a piece of your heart that was never mine.

The lady was sitting again under her favorite willow tree, across the river. She was once again thinking about him, about the times he would take her by the hand and lead her at this exact same spot where she was lounging now, reminiscing about happy times. The both would go there whenever they felt overwhelmed from the world and its complications, looking for a place to escape all issues and find peace-God knows what peace she was in every time he would hold her in his arms providing a reassuring feeling, that no harm could ever reach her there. Whenever they visited this place, her partner took her canoeing with an old, beautiful, wooden boat and every time she would zone out looking into the deep, crystal-clear waters of the lake he just sat there staring at her, admiring her classical beauty while paddling. Right now, it's starting to rain so the lady's getting up and searches for a spot under the tree where those raindrops can not get her flowy dress all wet, but back then even if it rained, they would take their shoes of and dance their hearts out under the rain on the sound of a music only they were capable of hearing. Back then when she was truly grateful for living a life... She still remembers how he used to love flowers, and as she was fond of learning they had combined their passions into a small, leather notebook. The times they met they always opened that notebook, which was filled with drawings of different kinds of flowers with each of their healing abilities and characteristics written next to the pictures-, and wandered around, trying to discover new species to add to their knowledge. However, their little investigations could often be interrupted by the silliness of youth causing playful fighting and other love games between the two partners, that every couple plays, most of the time ending up with sweet kisses and her tackled down on the fresh grass with him on top. Is that really a tear formed under her eye or is it just a raindrop? It's most likely both. She thought she was numb so why does it still hurt that much? Why did he have to save her that day when he'd promised her that no death could do them apart? Would he still be alive today if he'd let her suck the poison out of his body too after that fatal bite as he did to her? If only. She can still picture in her mind the person she fell in love with, but every single day this idea becomes more and more dim. She's already forgetting his smell and the tone of his gentle, caring voice...but why? Didn't she fall deeply in love with him? Then why is she missing parts of him? Didn't she love him enough? No that can't be, he was her world... he is her world, and she can't just let that fade away. It's not fair for neither of them. She desires to be together once again, but that can't be done when he gives up his life for her to keep going. He'd always told her how talented she is, God he loved to compliment her, so before time ran out to erode her memories, his figure was now already drawn on a page in a leather notebook among other flowers.

"We grew apart, but I thought we would grow together. We both drowned in the waves of words we weren't saying. Let's meet again. For the first time:)"

It hurts, because you know you're going to move on, it's a cycle to be repeated, all of the old fandoms that you were in, you will slowly forget the fangirl/boying, their songs stuck in your old playlists, the vlives, the comfort and warmth that they gave you. it will all cycle through, eventually, you'll look back smiling, thanking them for such a beautiful and wonderful youth.

Whenever I read a book, I fall in love with the villain. They become my comfort character. I have lived for others too much and I wanted someone to protect me, to put me first whenever, because even I don't do that. "A hero may protect you, but a hero must put the world first. To a villain you shall forever be the first and only that's what I always said. But maybe, just maybe I should say goodbye to my comfort character for now, and become my own villain wish that there was a reality where we'd always be together," "Love, there is one." "How can I ever find it?" "In your heart, darling that's where we'll always be together, we won't forget each other, ever. Not for as long as we both live."

"Why must you be fictional?" "Dear, I am not fictional. I just happen to be in a different reality." "But-" "I'm always here, even if you can't see me or hear me. I am here." "It's just that I'll never get the chance to meet you." "You have met me many times dear. But it's hard for you to understand..."

A place where lovers turn to strangers, Best friends into unknowns, Where fires burning with a passion, come to lay to their rest Slowing fading into nothing but a mere memory "I'll never leave you", she said All he could do was nod, while looking into her eyes The window to her soul The same window that reflected a future together, filled with promises, smiles, accomplishments Grasping for air, he muttered the words that weighed on him like an anchor to a ship "My heart wants to believe you, My mind won't let me knowing she's already gone, he cherishes those final moments while wrapped around her arms Every breath, synchronized. The warmth of two bodies coming together, the beauty of youth, "How does one leave while he still loves?" Tears running down his cheek "How do you give up and move on?" The circle of life, attachment and detachment. Comfortability and change. All of us but pawns in this game, hopeless romantics. Wanting to believe in the good spirit, but unfortunately being exposed to the bad nature of humanity "I truly loved you" he said, "And although I felt as if you drained me like a river during a drought, I would do it again in a heartbeat..."

And he saved me, in every way a person could be saved"

It's so hard to say goodbye to someone you've never met before, since they make you so happy and break your heart at the same time. Just like laughing at memories you never made. Just like crying when you think about how badly you want to hug them and can't. Just like trying to reach for them when they're millions of miles away. When you think about those things and it finally clicks that they're unreachable, you lose all of the hope you had of ever seeing them. Of course, people have their ways of coping, but it's just the first stage of grief. You deny everyone telling you to "get a grip" or to "forget it, you'll never meet them" and continue on thinking of that person. But when you realize, you get angry or frustrated. You may not openly display it but it bubbles up and you can't let it go. Then you try to regain that feeling you had before all the frustration, that happiness you had before your realization. And after all that anger, frustration, and fake happiness, you grow sad and lonely, thinking that this particular character brought you more happiness than those around you. And at some point, you end up coming to terms with it. Whether it be trying to find a new source of happiness, or going to a new character. But going to a new character starts the cycle over, doesn't it? It's ok though, I'm still working on it too, but i'll get there, and you will too :)

Wishes and dreams

To remain the same, it seems

Poetries and letters

To be unread forever

Shades of red and grey

To turn the painting oh so insane

A soul that sighs and cries

Cause she knows it's a beautiful love that never dies.

"Please, don't go." "I have to..." "But I'll be alone..." "You'll never be alone, my dear, I'll always be with you." "How will I know if I can't see you?" "As long as you remember me, I'll always live in your heart." "Promise?" "Always"

It's cold here, and I miss you. I'm dying all the time. I never thought that missing someone could be this painful

"I didn't want to heal because that means he would fade away too. I had to accept the fact that I had to give up on him, and eventually did. His words became quieter. In mumbles, and at the end it stopped. He forever lives in my heart, if I ever get a chance to thank him again, I wouldn't miss it for the word. Sometimes people that are fragments of the unconscious mind become your loved ones more than people that exist in the world. That's what he was a piece of my mind, that showed me what actual love feels like..."

"It's not about a person, just the idea of being that important to someone you feel you don't deserve, how magical must that feel."

"I promise you the world even when you're not here, even when you love someone else the way you loved will look at the stars and find the love we had never left my heart. I promise to never forget even when our memories start to fade."

I love my fictional character. He sometimes appears in my dream. He is so kind, generous, mature and 5000 good looking. I'm like a princess or a fictional character when I'm with him and it was like I'm living in a fairy tale. I'm amazed by the way he smiles. His voice is so mesmerizing and so healing. I'm falling in love with him again and again. He is always in my mind and my heart.

"This is all in my head, isn't it?" "Well of course it is." "So, it wasn't real." "No. It was real. You'll still have the memories, and, in some other universe, all of this happened while you were awake." "Sure, but you still aren't real to you, aren't I?" "Of course, you are. As real as you can be." "Then I'm real.

And be waiting here for you when you fall back asleep. For now, it is time for you to wake up.

Though you'll see me again, so do not worry." "Goodbye then?" "See you later." "See you later, then.

Goodnight "Goodnight"

"Why do you do that?" "Do what?" "You just keep on reading that story again and again. Why?" "Oh. It's hard to explain." "Try" "It's my favorite. Not because of the story, or the crazy twist. Rather, it makes the world quiet. It's like I've entered an entire new world. One I've lived in all my life. It feels like home." "Home huh?" "Home"

"But what if you die and I'm still here?" "Well then you'll be all grown up, and you won't need me." " "I think I always need you."

"Why do you have to leave?" "it's just the nature of it, reader..." "But I want it to keep going..." "I'll be here..." "But it won't be the same..." "I know reading this word filled pages for the first time can never come again and I'm sorry for that." "I wasn't ready for you to end for your story to end, all the books about you all the words that filled my imagination. Is it over?" "Unfortunately, yes reader, I'll see you back in book one." And then..you..started..again

Saying the last goodbye to your soulmate.......you know that you will never find someone like them and you thank them for the beautiful memories you shared with them.....you always felt the safest with them.....you melted in their arms.......you have to leave them because you love them so much want them to enjoy their life the fullest and in the best way possible.....and god, you were really their ...you soulmate and they were yours......... But you know that they should find someone new and live a happy life. you just have to leave them.... it's hard and its final

"But a dream is not reality" "And who's to say which is which?" From Alice in Wonderland

"Shut up, I love you so much that a part of my life was given to you today"

"And I love you so much, Xavier, that I will give you this part of my life"

And on that same balcony where they met, where they swore a complete and sincere friendship, today they saw their children in love from a distance, each wearing the alexandrite rings they created.

"Just because it may seem like goodbye, you will still have the memories. The memories make it impossible to forget or to permanently say goodbye."

"I'm always going to be there besides you. Even when you don't feel it, I'll be holding your hand." "I want you to stay though! Please stay-!" "But you don't need me anymore." "That doesn't matter! I love you!" "And I love you too. But if you love something, or guess someone, you have to let them go. You'll know when you see me again."

I wish I could say goodbye to him. Especially when he never knew was there, waving to him in the far distances we share. If I was there, I'd be basic and mundane. He would've never known existed. I would've just been one of his fangirls instead, watching from afar. My heart sinks knowing that I watch him and the main character slowly fall for each other while I watch from the books Someday, someday I'll find someone. But, never like you

"Why must you be fictional?" "Dear, I am not fictional. I just happen to be in a different reality." "But-"

"I'm always here, even if you can't see me or hear me. I am here."

"He holds her hand. God, it's cold. It's cold, but the beating of her heart (slow, very slow) assures him that she is alive. At least for now. "Are you ready to let go now?" She mutters, weakly. No, as a matter of fact, he never wanted to. He never planned to let her go, never once. "I find it hard to," very much. "Well, you must. I won't stay forever." "Must 1?" She leans deeper into his embrace, closing her eyes. "Unfortunately, so." And then time stops. And with that, disappears the memories of her within him. Gone, just as she is.

"I'm always going to be there besides you. Even when you don't feel it, I'll be holding your hand." "I want you to stay though! Please stay-1" "But you don't need me anymore." "That doesn't matter! I love you!" "And I love you too. But if you love something, or guess someone, you have to let them go. You'll know when you see me again."

"I must go" "No! You can't!" "I'm sorry! I must" This is every love story. Every love story is the same but the story of saying good bye to your comfort character goes a bit different... "Now, the last page is read. You must understand that I have to go..." "I do but i can't..." And just as quickly as the conversation started, it ended. Now all that's left to do is to read the first page and reread their daring adventures over again. "I will never miss this."

"Will I ever see you again?" "Never in real life, but forever in your dreams"

"Will we have this again?" I asked with a gulp in my mouth... "my love, of course we will, but not for a while." he said as tears formed in both our eyes... "I will always love you" he said as he hugged me... "if you love me then why is our book coming to an end?" said as a tear dripped down my face... "because, every book ends...whether it's with a happily ever after or not" he explained as closed my eyes realizing this was happening... "we will meet again my love, whether it's in another reality or not...i promise" he said as slowly he kissed me... "I love you darling dont forget that.... please...dont forget us!" he said while i stood there processing everything... "I love you" I said as he slowly faded away leaving me.... with nothing but tears and memories....

"I only exist in your head, that's why I want you to forget about me" "but why would you want to do it" "because you trust me right?" "Yes?"" then trust me this time...."

This poem is called "Her love"

Her love was the best thing for me

But I could guarantee

Is that when she came around,

I would feel so complete

But I knew there was nothing left for her Because we could never be the same as we were

And that also my love for her was never there

I knew I caused her so much despair

But her love was always rare

"Your chapter in my book is over, but it'll always be one of my favorites"

"I don't want to say goodbye" "Then don't do it. Just wave and smile, like the first time we met in your dreams" "But it's different now. You're leaving" "In a way, yeah. But not really. I'll always be here for you" "Even if I can't reach you?" "Even though. I'm not gone as long as you don't forget about me"

["As the two lovers danced, glistening across the floor, swaying hand in hand. his hand rested on her cheek, her dress flowing ever so gracefully. they come to a stop. his body standing over the balcony... her face begins to meet his eyes."]

H/N: "I'll always love you."

Y/N: "even if it means we are no longer??"

H/N: "from the biggest monster, to the highest mountain..there is not an adventure too high. I'll be here for you, my darling." always

Y/N: "I love you,

H/N." As the two lovers lips touched, she sat in her thoughts for a moment, she wanted to believe him.

but she knew better. his words have never been so beautiful.. yet so ugly at the same time." ......and just like that. he was gone. forever. until I've shown what love really is, I refuse to believe it exists. sure it all seems like a fairytale on a hot summer day..

Y/N: "but where's my happy ending? Where's my prince charming? Where's my castle with a big ball gown?"

"what did I do??"

"where'd all the love I spent giving..why hasn't it returned to me?"

"After all. I'm the one who bled for you."

"I'm the one who held you in my arms as we crossed a broken bridge."

"when we crossed paths I thought it meant something. thought by being in your life, I meant something." "turns out.. I was only helping you find treasure you had all along."

"but its okay, why?"

"well... at the end of the day I held you. I kissed you. I promised you. I devoted myself to you." "I'd still pick up those broken jewels and turn them into diamonds for you."

"I'd turn my dress into a blanket for you."

"I gave it all to you." "I wish you no death."

"But now.."

"now.. you deserve everything that is being held against you."

[ as he watched her slip away, he grabbed her hand, she quickly looked back, her heart sinking to her stomach, she wished to never see his face again she had never loved another, the way she loved him."]

Y/N: "Goodbye, my dear." As she took a step back, he rushed to her rescue. he was much too late, as the two lovers fell from the balcony, they were never seen together again, their broken bond turned into a missing page. trust me, it is not the end, but for the one who got away.. he has yet to complete his story.. without her."]

"It might not be okay now. You might not be okay for a while. And that's fine. But someday, without

knowing exactly when or why or how it happened, you'll feel happy" "Don't think about them. Just take care of yourself. Will you do that for me?" "As long as you believe in me, I won't leave you."

The pain of knowing they can never love you the way you loved them is a difficult path to follow

But even when things get rough No matter how many times

I watch it all fall and burn

There is nothing I would not do to press the replay button and do it all again

Because you were my everything and hope one day, whoever they are, whenever it is

You give them every bit of love you could not give me.

All those moments we shared, all the laughs and tears

Every little moment we spent together, means more to me than ever

And when it is all over, all you can do is pray that the next time you finish this story and turn your pages once again, you will still be there

Love, reader

"A romantic tragedy. The girl, a novelist, and the boy, a poet, bonded over their shared love of writing. Other than that, one thing, they're opposites. The girl always expressed her love for the stars. She'd tell the poet about her desire to join the stars one day. The dreamy novelist dies of chronic illness but she leaves a finished book; one about a girl in love with the night sky. Laced into her beautiful writing is her love for the poet. The last line of her novel?" I wish for my lover to be as admired as the moon and for me to be as constant as the stars, for even if they've burned out, the moon will see them as if still gleaming for a billion years more."

"If people ever look down upon you for crying over a fictional character, you should give them a gentle, pitying look and feel bad for them. If they've never cried over a fictional character, then they've never loved one (and what a joy that is). If they've never cried at a book, a movie, a piece of music, then they've missed one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer. Just because fiction doesn't contain things that are real doesn't mean it doesn't contain truth, and we find that through the alchemy of our tears."- Cassandra Clare

[fjordfjord]

Dealing with Night Terrors

mine are getting worse, so I figured I'd post this to maybe help someone else. this sometimes works for me, may not work for you but hey what's the harm in trying? I'd appreciate any other suggestions on dealing with these, because they're not fun.

DETERMINE IF YOU'RE DREAMING

I find it helps the most to be aware of what's going on. determining if you're in a dream is the first step to deescalating it. here's some indicators I know of when it comes to dreaming (which may vary between individuals):

look down at your fingers and count them, is it the normal amount?

try to read (never works for me, but most people say they can't read in their dreams).

recognize the patterns in your dreams. if they're recurring, knowing the signs of them can be helpful here.

this ties a bit into 3, but if you forget your dreams, try writing them down right when you wake up. it's not a good idea to do this if you've just woken up from a nightmare and need to get back to sleep again. our nightmares are often due to our brains trying to resolve unsolved conflict during its downtime, and by remembering it, your brain may subconsciously perceive it as a problem that needs to be solved/a dangerous situation to be prepared for.¹ this will may it far more likely for the nightmare to resume.

pinch yourself or bite your lip. If there's no pain, only pressure, it's a dream. I know it may seem like a good idea to do this hard, but please don't. speaking from experience, you only need a little pinch to tell, and it's not worth creating wounds to do it.

sometimes, no matter what, there is no way to determine if you're dreaming. if things are moving too fast, or you're just caught up in whatever situation your mind has woven for you that night, you just have to work through it. believe me, I hate it as much as you do. making these dream-check indicators a habit for me has helped significantly with detecting dreams, though.

STAY CALM

once you determine you're dreaming, STAY CALM. if your dreams work anything like mine, they respond to whatever you're thinking. you think you got wings? tada, you got wings! you're scared there's a twelve legged mantis centipede lurking under that porch? tada! there it is under that porch- and boy is it hungry.

from here, you need to figure out what you want to do next. I find there's only two options: wake up, or try to lucid dream out of this hell. I'll include both, but personally I'd recommend trying to deescalate the nightmare instead of waking up (since it'll save you sleep and, from my experience, purposefully waking up becomes more difficult the more you do it over the years. no clue why).

HOW TO WAKE UP

this tends to be the best option if you're so shaken you can't calm down whatsoever and know the dream is beyond your control- bound to get worse. some ways I've found to wake up:

screw your eyes shut hard and harshly open them- sometimes, this can trigger the motion in your eyes in real life, which can wake you up. (worked great when I was younger, hardly works now and usually leaves me with sleep paralysis instead of actual wakefulness).

die in your dream. I say this as a paranoid, but please only do this if you know for sure you're dreaming. just throw yourself out a window or something, and be sure to convince yourself that whatever it is you're doing in the dream to die will kill you in the dream. also, this only works scarcely. I've heard some people can't die in their dreams anyway. unfortunately these are the only two methods I've found to waking up. here's a few I googled, but I personally haven't tried them yet.

fall asleep in your dream²

try to read in your dream²

call out for help in your dream²

the last one has NEVER helped me, only made my dreams worse, but hey, I believe in you.

BORING, SIMPLE WAY TO LUCID DREAM

your other option is to try and lucid dream. the only way I've been able to pull this off is to stay calm and just think about what I want to happen in the dream. I get the best results sleep-wise with this, but often I am so scared in the moment I just want to be out of the dream no matter what, so no shame if you feel the same.

I see there's also tech you can buy to "help lucid dream." I don't know about you, but I personally don't have $200 lying around to fork over for some device that might not even work, and haven't tried them.

SLEEP PARALYSIS

same goes for regular dreams- if you recognize you can't move in bed- STAY CALM. I find the horrible creatures™ won't come out if you don't panic. the only surefire way I know to wake up from these is to slowly start wiggling your fingers, then your other body parts as you regain access to them.

the few sources I have for this post:

University of Turku, Create a Happy Ending to Nightmares

Healthline, 5 Lucid Dreaming Techniques to Try

Katja Valli, the professor interviewed in the first article, has very interesting dream studies on her ResearchGate if anyone's interested.

please remember that all nightmares are just that- nightmares. you're not in any danger because of them, they have no indication of what may happen in the future, and you're not crazy. it's okay to be scared waking up from them because they're fucking scary. the human brain is complex and incredibly stupid in its design for coming up with these.

[imaginarybestie]

Possible Replacement Friend Ideas Lol

Hey P,

Well, I was thinking, I mean, what kind of friend would I like or be able to find, what kind of imaginary friend, that is to say, to replace David with? And the truth is that there is no one quite that much similar to him, that I can think of off the top of my head, but that doesn't mean that I can't find someone who might work to replace some of the things that he brings me, as an imaginary friend anyway.

I mean, in real life, things are quite different, because I don't feel safe to talk to most people, for fear of trauma getting triggered by how they treat me and it causing more harm than good, as has happened to me so many times, and with so many people. So much that now I avoid most people and I minimize how much I speak to them, at all, about anything, and really avoid certain topics especially. Topics that I know are likely to bring out some side of them that is not very nice to me, and will leave me feeling deeply misunderstood and so alone and frustrated and overwhelmed by the need to talk and think too much about all the conversations that I am cornered into having. It sucks so much.

So, yeah, but it's one thing to talk to a real person, and a totally different thing to talk to an imaginary friend who is partially based on or inspired by that person. I think that there are other potential people who could inspire imaginary friends in the community that D and I are in. Some of those might be good replacements for the imaginary friend D. Even though they don't necessarily feel as "safe" to me in real life, because they tend to be among those who are more overly positive and fixated on some narrow set of ideologies. So, rather unlike D in that way.

But maybe if I can just focus and remember the good things about these people, I will be able to kind of forget the bad things, and to just form an imaginary friend on the memories and ideas of the good things. Plus some imaginary details to fill in and fluff up the rather flat, vapid impressions I have of many of these people. I don't know them well enough, usually, and don't know too much about them, and so to have an imaginary friend who really feels close and believable, I'd have to fill in the missing pieces of all I don't know or all that doesn't feel very relatable or appealing in those people. To somehow make them seem deeper, brighter, more whole and aware and caring and more offbeat like myself, and so on and so forth. But maybe I can do it, I'm not sure.

At least those people would be people who I might be more likely to want to ask the same burning quesetions that I'd ask of D. They are in the same kind of community, and talk about somewhat similar topics, and have some similar interests. They see my social behavior there too, and might be able to comment on my social skills or how I come across, and my desires for friendship, and my dreams and feelings about all that.

All those longings and hungers and vulnerabilities and concerns that are brought up in that social context. The desire for a soulmate, a friend soulmate, or even perhaps a romantic soulmate. Hoping to somehow luckily meet them there in that community, and find the friends and the people I've been longing for and needing, the chosen family I want to have. But all of the fears, insecurities, doubts and questions that come up in my mind in relation to all of that, too.

I just thought of someone else who I might be able to write to as an imaginary friend for some or maybe all of these kinds of questions - It is R, a guy who used to be part of this community, but he left a while ago, an older guy who seemed quite wise and kind and thoughtful and insightful, to me, way back when. But then, somehow, somewhere along the line, he seemed to really change his behavior and ideas, I don't know why, and he began to seem really cold, callous, and full of narrow-minded, irrational ideologies, which he would preach about relentlessly. Argh! Hahaha

But, maybe since he's not on the community anymore, I could somehow blur away the details of his more recent behavior and remember the way he used to be, and relate to an imaginary friend who is base on the old him. He really seemed like someone who I felt I might could confide in, who might really care and have some good ideas that were down-to-earth and open-minded, but not too pie-in-the-sky, overly optimistic or overly simplistic, either. Just a sensible person, with a lot of open-minded wisdom and real-life experience.

Another idea that I have of someone who might could replace D as an imaginary friend is A, a Finnish guy there. He seems to be smart, and has some good insights, and seems to be fairly kind and light-hearted and not really into some of the more narrow-minded ideologies there. Although I don't know him that well, and not everything that he says is anything I find that interesting or smart, he does have his moments, so maybe I could save some of his posts that I like, and refer to them to help me get the feeling and the ideas to inspire an imaginary friend based upon him? I could try that and see how it worked, anyway.

And there may be some other people, I'll keep my eye out and maybe browse the site for inspiration. I'll see what I can come up with, who knows. Maybe even a composite character based on several different people, maybe, if I can get that to work well enough and be clear enough to make a believable, relatable, deep good "best friend" character I feel safe and flowing and inspired to talk to. I'll see, I guess.

In that vein of thought, maybe E or S, the two friends who are interested in some similar spiritual topics and traditions I'm also interested in, might be good candidates, I'm not sure. Or H, and K, and A, and their spiritual tradition, that is also interesting and kind of inspiring to me, sometimes. And S is also in that tradition, though she's not on the site anymore. Anyway, those are all some ideas.

Then there is K, the artist, and he seemed kind of nice and open-minded too, though I didn't really know that much about him or his beliefs and ideas, so I'm not sure if he'd inspire a very clear impression of a friend or not. But he did seem nice, kind, patient, and really kind of weird and open-minded, all things I like a lot.

And oh yeah, and another, different R, who was really into energy and k and such. Hm, maybe him, too. Though I didn't really get a strong impression about what kind of person he was, his personality or interests or anything like that. He just seemed to be pretty easy-going, nice, open-minded about a lot of things, as far as I could tell. Pretty friendly and humble-seeming, and had some good ideas too about various things, so I always like to see what he had to say, because at times it was really helpful to me. Maybe I can recall him and use that to inspire me, not sure.

Or L, the earthy, vital, down-to-earth guy who reminded me of that famous person from my own area, and I had a lot of visions about him, hah. And he seemed really into some things I liked and related to and came from a similar background, which seemed special, maybe in some way I can't quite put into words. He might share some special values and favorite things with me, and worldviews, because of our shared cultural associations. He seems humble and real, somehow, to me, well, sometimes and in some ways. But, I'm not sure how accurate that impression truly is.

Or S, the older guy who I had many visions about, a while back, and who still inspires me with his positivity and realistic constructive approach towards many things, and with his big-hearted idealism and dedication to serve and help others. He has a kind of down-to-earth, friendly and old-fashioned charm, mixed with a new-agey old hippie spiritual path that is kind of his own self-made religion. The variety of occupations he's had in his lifetime also inform his responses, and give a well-rounded, insightful, interesting perspective to the things that he says and does.

Well, those are a few ideas, P. I can let them sit in my mind and see if I come up with any more insights about how to go about how to make this new imaginary friend, and who best to base them upon. Maybe multiple different friends, that's another possibility.

Ok, well, bye for now.

Love,

C

[staledirt87]

hey under the cut I'm gonna put some rly triggering stuff about suicide and suicidal ideation, please don't read if you're gonna be triggered, I just need this out there

The question of "why do I want to die" has been one that I've never truthfully been able to answer. I know I'm not "special" in the sense that I'm God's special child that's worthless and hated for no apparent reason other than existing. I also know that life holds intrinsic value, and that simply by living I have enough worth to warrant keeping around. but I have a hard time seeing the value of living on a logical standpoint. now my friend would tell me that you can't value life by logic alone, but that's how I always see the world. logic isn't logic unless you factor in emotion.

I see it as a simple pros vs cons, seperated into two categories: self and others

self pros

> pain ends

> responsibility ends

> stress ends

> anxiety ends

> I end the possibility of future pain

self cons

> I no longer have a chance for future happiness

> my dreams are automatically devoid of purpose

other pros

> I am no longer a concern of their's

> they do not have to factor me into plans

> they have more time to themselves and their other friends

> the energy they used on me can be used on other things

other cons

> they have to grieve me for an indefinite amount of time

> the things they used to do with me they can no longer do

> what I put into the world is no more

> anyone who looked up to me has lost a stable figure

that's the end of the doomsday pros and cons list, and by tallying it up, there are more pros than cons. additionally, it is a landmark in almost every ideology that yourself comes before others. not always, of course, but you must always consider yourself before others, in case you over exert yourself. now, I understand and acknowledge the pain and suffering of others that my death may cause, but I find it secondary to my own hopelessness and depression.

let me put it this way: why should I, my own person, be forced to work and exhaust myself for others' happiness? that is shunned upon almost everywhere, yet when it comes to suicide, it is thrown out of the window. "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I've always had issues with that. it's not truly a temporary problem. I have major depressive disorder, severe and recurrent. which means it is not a temporary problem, but a permanent one. medication and therapy is a temporary solution to a permanent problem, whereas suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

it's also important to point out the fact that me being dead does as much as me being alive does. how many times do you see people citing dead loved ones as inspirations to do wonderful things? I know my death would hurt my friends, but as everyone will say, your friends in high school don't stay your friends. they would forget me anyway, and in less than a decade they will have forgotten my name whether I'm alive or dead.

I must also say that in the grand scheme of the universe, we are but specks of specks. our life is a blip in the expanse of time, so my status of life doesn't have any real affect on the world

all this is to say, there's really no point in my life. when it comes to a time that the net emotion of life is negative rather than positive, and the net effect of your death is more positive, then it is illogical to say that I shouldn't kill myself.

of course, this all means nothing if I don't have the means to commit, but I have several plans in my mind. I'm not near as safe as my parents think I am.