#i don't have a diagnosis yet
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I love playing the period roulette.
The rules are: Will I be too sick to go to work today?
#irl stuff#period problems#endometriosis#probably#i don't have a diagnosis yet#my uterus hates me#that's for sure
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Y'all I just watched Jaiden Animations' video about learning she has ADHD and man... some of that stuff just hit me hard. The having to tie yourself down to work, the being relatively okay in school until college, the wondering if a doctor would just say, "It's a you problem, go away"—geez that resonated. I'm glad she finally got a diagnosis and Adderall and learned how to work best with herself though! I hope things start to turn out better for her as time goes on
#mann though#like good job Jaiden!#but oof I might have to try and push for a diagnosis myself#I was just gonna wait until a major burnout or something (horrible I know but while I'm under my parents' insurance they'd want some obviou#evidence - plus they're in the camp of thinking “it's just me”#since my mom has similiar problems and uses calendar apps and “discipline” and “organization” to get by)#but actually dang#I might want to hurry that process up#adhd#autism#(since she's also autistic but we don't talk about it [yet?])#jaiden animations
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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as an audhd, papyrus is also autism and adhd, yes
Oh YES definitely
#I would say he's just like me fr but I don't have an actual diagnosis yet so can't#you are so correct tho
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i really need more disabled friends bc i have so many things i want to talk about and no one that really gets it. i'm not new to being disabled but i have been living on the line between "disabled enough to need accommodations, but not so much i qualify for benefits" which puts me squarely between the disabled and abled communities. so hi um disabled friends that follow me come say hi pls let's be friends???
#hikey#disabled lyfe#like i wanna know how people with GI disorders navigate the holidays#or ways to swap out tomatoes in food like how do i ever eat pasta again if i can't have tomatoes OR dairy??#what kind of professional pants do you buy that give your stomach room to bloat and don't cut in right at the most sensitive spots??#or how to cope with the fact i almost died this year and life just ... goes on???#how do you recover from an injury when you're already super deconditioned from being chronically ill??#how do you manage to avoid being prescribed bad meds if you don't have a diagnosis yet??#what do you prep for whenever you need to go to the hospital??#has a dietician or nutritionist ever been helpful in managing symptoms??#when were some times that you had to choose your mental over physical health - or vice versa?#disability#disabled#disabilties#pots syndrome#potsie#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronically ill#chronic fatigue#chronically disabled
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people: you need to get an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist!!!
psychiatrists: *misdiagnosed me with different things like +4 times and filled me with unnecessary medicine*
#i don't remember which diagnoses they actually formally gave me and which they suspected or medicated me for without a formal label#like i don't trust 99% of all doctors now lol#my first psych appointment was when i was 14 and im 28 now#like i've been at so many clinics#with both private psychiatrists and public ones#with psychologists and therapists too#i've been hospitalised at the psych ward#and i've just been misdiagnosed like.. as in the last thing they said to me is that my formal diagnosis is wrong#but they didn't want to rediagnose me with something else#they just said im not bipolar and it's uhh dissociation from trauma#and they mentioned cptsd and that i have alters ig#and the alters are dissociation and not psychosis as they first thought oof#but like... can i trust them that im not psychotic? like i don't think that i am#but bro i have no faith in danish psychiatrists or psychologists lol#my posts#personal#also this is a vent post#i am psych critical and i think there's a lack in trauma informed psychiatrists/therapists in my country#but like im still trying to find a new psychiatrist lol it's just hard bc the waiting lists here at +2 years for just a general psychiatris#and i need someone who knows about complex childhood trauma#so idk how long i'm gonna have to wait yet
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bro getting myself an audhd assessment for the sole reason of making the rest of my family realize that THE HAVE IT THEMSELVES is getting more and more tempting by the fkn day I SWEAR TO GOD
#like my dad keeps critizising and “making fun” of his OWN BROTHER for having very very obvious special interests and “needing routine”#and somehow fails to fkn realize that he IS THE VERY FKN SAME#my mom is currently doing health checks and sht for a lot of things that MIGHT STEM FROM THE FACT THAT SHE IS ALSO NEURODIVERGENT#“I just have trouble starting/finishing things and I'm unfocused and tired a lot” BESTIE IF YOU JUST FKN LISTEN TO ME-#LIKE BOTH ME AND MOM HAVE WORKED WITH AUDHD KIDS FOR YEARS WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THE SIMILIARITIES I BEG#like we had an entire discussion of good/bad rep of neurodivergency and how most people boil autism down to “oh so like Sheldon!”#When it's literally the worst most stereotypical awful thing I know because SHELDON IS MADE OUT TO BE A JOKE AND IS SIMPLY JUST FKN MEAN#and like they don't seem to realize why “oh I couldn't tell they had autism when I met them!” IS THE ENTIRE FKN POINT#I am so tired#I keep trying to use neurodivergent lingo in casual conversation in hopes they'll pick it up too but no luck yet#I literally couldn't help myself when talking about my uncle today and asked if he had a diagnosis on paper#since it “clearly runs in the family” and they got SO FKN QUIET#I'M SO TIRED OF PLAYING DUMB IN MY OWN HOME#BCS IF I DO SAY SHT OUT LOUD they play it off as “oh your friends have brainwashed you into thinking you are neurodivergent sweetheart :((”#I'm tired#tove rambles
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The Healthcare horrors persist
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#Updates on this whole mess:#Im insured under my dad#he has Healthcare option 1 which is government provided since he is retired millitary and option 2 due to his new job#after his retirement option 1 went funky for me and changed things around meaning i was no longer able to be seen by my pcp#Im also unable to log in to any of my accounts for 1 so im not sure whats going on there and what plan of 1 i have specifically#so i switched to a new pcp which accepted option 2 (which was super hard to find) literally last week#made an appointment with her for next month so i can finally get answers about my funky blood test results#(which is still don't know what specifically is wrong with it! for all i know i could just have high cholesterol-#or i could have markers for rheumatoid arthritis instead of my prior fibromyalgia diagnosis!)#(i also do not get refils for my anxiety medication until i have an appointment with my new doctor)#crisis averted right? WRONG!#I just got a call from my Dad saying he is switching jobs so I am no longer insured under 2#meaning...#1) i need to call option 1 and figure out how to get into my accounts and what my insurance is#2) check that this pcp acceprs said insurance#3) find yet another pcp if she doesnt and make an appointment for god knows when#and here is the kicker:#since option 1 is government and millitary based it is going to take FOREVER to get anything done#And Im not sure if they are going to want me to renew my millitary dependent ID or not#because that shit is EXPIRED and i was under the impression i can no longer renew it due to his retirement#but also in order to make any acoount with option 1 they require a benefits number which expires alongside the ID#Then on the other side of things i also have my wisdom teeth surgery to schedule (through my mom thank god)#and school starting again in a few weeks#going to defenestrate myself istg
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I got back from the psychiatrist and oh my
#I'm not diagnosed yet but she already gave me the pills#my brain is constantly trying to make me think i don't actually have something and I'm just making shit up so i badly need a diagnosis#all i know is that i have an anxiety disorder (which was already pretty obvious)#but idk what like#idk if i have like GAD or OCD or another one idk which one i have#I'm going to start the meds tomorrow so say goodbye to my creativity 💀
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me @ my japanese teacher after the lesson: yeah and i use duolingo to hold my language level in between courses and to practice a few kanji
them: yeah i noticed how you immediately picked up on the new grammar
me who had never seen that particular grammar rule before: thanks but those were my
#thing that actually happened except i didn't say “autism powers” to my japanese teacher...#i actually made this pretty fast and yet spent an embarassing amount of time on it#neurodivergent#autism#(probably i don't have an OFFICIAL diagnosis)#japanese#<- as a matter of fact a pretty fun language to learn imho i'm doing this in my freetime and have yet to regret anything#welp anyways#aight imma shut up now#stuff
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so i was listening to rolling with difficulty s3e8 and
#rolling with difficulty#live asto reaction#the real joke here is the fact that i dont have an adhd diagnosis yet#also i do have an actual real thing im working on i just drew this as a break#that will be coming up soon i promise#ALSO the reason why i don't draw much in general#bc guess what's one of the most notoriously high workload majors at my school!#asto speaks
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You'd think all my electronics malfunctioning and making all the thinfs I want to do today an agonizing process of constant frustration would make me stop. Do something else for a while.
But this is what I wanna do right now so not doing it would be worse so here I am, angrily clicking and tapping, having the best time I can have today. I GUESS.
#adhd#I think#if not I'm happy to be educated I don't have a diagnosis (yet)#I hate glitching software so much just let me do the thing pls I'm gonna cry
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#mini life update#was diagnosed with ADHD (Combined type) on 20th September#they also picked up on clear ASD traits and have asked my GP to refer me for an Autism Assessment#I'm on the waiting list for Titration to hopefully work with me and figure out meds#they're going to work closely with me especially because my POTS adds a risk#I'm also 3/6 sessions through CFT (a Compassion Focused Therapy group mainly on learning Self Compassion)#that's having mixed results because they keep askibg me to say something positive about myself and I'm just hnnngg so uncomfortable 🫠🫠💔#it's also pur Ghostie's Birthday later this week so I'm excited for that ahh#also still waiting on Pain Management to chase up my Fibromyalgia diagnosis since they're confused why I don't have it yet when they've-#literally confirmed it back in December#hopefully that can be sorted soon ;;#I've also been binge free for 193 days now I'm 🤞 finally recovering from my disordered eating and so far have lost 43 pounds#I'm proud that I vould accomplish that ahh
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So there's this girl who talks about how misinformation and stuff actually affects autistic people and after seeing her in my recommendations I finally sat down and watched her and after like 2 hours of an autistic person thoroughly explaining what it's like to actually be autistic I am realizing that despite my personal disagreeance that Halt is autistic the way I portray him in my head very easily lines up with pretty much everything she has said.... so maybe a couple of my headcanons are wrong lol
#funny#rambles#ranger's apprentice#halt o'carrick#Like I always went “oh yeah I absolutely see how that works. I personally don't think he is but that DOES make sense”#and now I'm thinking maybe he is and maybe it makes a little more sense#but also the only things I know for certain are what it's like to live with autistic people#as my brother is diagnosed and my mother exhibits like every single defining symptom (although she masks and hasnt gotten a diagnosis yet)#so I don't really know how to portray it any better than I have been which is.... mediocre at best#so I still don't think I'm gonna SAY he's autistic because I don't wanna do it wrong but I am gonna be thinking more about this
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I may need to muscle my brain around to accepting the possibility that I'm going to be in varying levels of constant pain for more than a year, possibly several years, and I hate that more than anything in the world.
#discard bones become octopus#i don't have a diagnosis yet but a lot of signs are pointing to myofascial pain syndrome#and it's been about six months so chronic MPS#i saw something that said 63 months is an average recovery time and briefly considered jumping out of an airplane
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when people say "narcissist" i'm always like, "self-centered", "egotistical", "vain", "self-absorbed", et cetera are right there, and that's what you actually mean. use those. but using "narcissist" lets people pathologize and feel intellectual about things 🙄
i used to watch a youtuber who had spoken before about the demonization of various mental disorders, but then she used the phrase "narcissistic abuse" and i made a very polite comment, assuming the best, and was like "hey that's a really harmful phrase to use, especially when what you're describing has an actual correct term, emotional / psychological abuse, you wouldn't call something 'anxiety abuse' or 'autism abuse', would you?" and she then doubled down and said "well sometimes mental health professionals use it so it can't be ableist". as if no one in the history of psychiatry was ever ableist like?
ironic because she had also made multiple videos where she discussed people who used dated or incorrect language, were politely corrected by a fan, and then doubled down instead of examining themselves. and here she was doing the same thing :-/
Wow, that's very hypocritical of her. You can't call out ableist language and stigma, and then use a very ableist term. Worst part is, she didn't even apologize or recognize her mistake. Mental health professionals can be ableist, indeed.
I think that's what pisses me off the most about the stigma around NPD, even "progressive" people use narcissists as scapegoats. And very few mental health professionals DON'T demonize narcissists. Literally every time there's a discussion about abuse, people always bring up "narcissistic abuse". And it's like you said, they act like they're intellectual, "oh have you heard about narcissistic abuse?", and they pretend they know what they're talking about because they read it somewhere. And apparently everyone forgets that NPD, just like other Cluster B disorders, tend to develop due to childhood trauma.
I remember going to a partial hospitalization program, where they said "oh no judgment here, everyone is welcome". But then people were demonizing narcissists. I remember only ONE therapist there pointing out "hey you know NPD is a personality disorder and no one is evil for having it, right". But I'm pretty sure that was forgotten.
I may not have NPD, but I deeply sympathize with everyone who has it. We really need more people and spaces who treat NPD right, considering all the misinformation online (ESPECIALLY on TikTok).
#asks#ableism tw#the sad part is that i've never met someone with npd in real life#maybe they haven't been diagnosed yet#or maybe they don't talk about their diagnosis#bc of all the stigma around it#but yeah like#in this partial hospitalization thing#i wondered 'man what if there WAS a narcissist here?'#imagine them having to hear all that bullcrap#anyway yeah#i don't trust youtube therapists anymore lmao#ranting#ranting in tags
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