#and i need someone who knows about complex childhood trauma

[unstablemotions]

people: you need to get an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist!!!

psychiatrists: *misdiagnosed me with different things like +4 times and filled me with unnecessary medicine*

[collar-shocked]

//Great time to remind everyone IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, YOU SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR HERE. You're only a kid for so long, you get to be an adult forever. MAKE IT LAST. FRIGGIN' WAIT TO ENGAGE IN CONTENT LIKE THIS.

//No one can protect you if you refuse to let them. These games and this fandom and content have 18+ tags on them for a REASON, and it's to PROTECT YOU. You're not cool, you're not edgy, you're not special, you're not grown up for ignoring warning signs that are set there to KEEP YOU FROM HARM, you're just an idiot for exposing yourself to that ON PURPOSE.

[ennn]

Let's appreciate how complex Agatha's relationship with Billy is

GIF credit to @isagrimorie

The genuine emotion brimming from Agatha in this moment is very interesting and I really want to break down all the layers of how Agatha is relating to Billy—because it is truly not as simple as Agatha feeling sentimental or motherly to Billy.

There are a few layers at work here (and I also want to give a shout-out to @trickofthelights for her excellent recap points):

Billy reminds Agatha (enough) of herself

There are two driving forces at the core of Agatha as a character. We know this because her characterisation has been incredibly consistent throughout the show and Schaeffer has talked about them, which is: (a) Agatha is self-serving and (b) Agatha loves powerful witchcraft.

Billy is a powerful witch who did a horrifying thing in order to survive. He's been lying to these wonderful parents. He also just tried murdering three people in a fit of rage, provoked by Agatha no less.

Would Agatha care if he was less powerful? Would Agatha care if he didn't have a dark side? If he hadn't shown to be duplicitous and dangerous and subject to his darker impulses?

If he wasn't alone and without a coven, a possible outcast even among witches because of his unusual origins and power?

I'm pretty sure the answer is no, she would not. She would have dismissed him the same way she did his "Teen" persona. Agatha doesn't care about witches, Agatha cares about powerful witches –because that's who Agatha is and what drives her.

And we also got hints of this with Agatha and Wanda (hello consistent characterisation). In Schaeffer's words:

There is respect and almost affection inherent in [Agatha's interest in enormously powerful witchcraft], as indicated by how she felt about Wanda. She was mean to Wanda, but really she was fascinated by Wanda and admired her and wanted to hang out with her. 

And if this wasn't clear enough, what Agatha tells Billy shortly later about breaking the rules and being a true witch just screams projection (more on that in my next point).

I was delighted that Agatha really did bounce back from the attempted murder – but it's not because she's forgiving. Oh no, I think, Agatha was testing her theory by poking the bear (calculated move, bad at math) and she's glad she was proven right.

I mean, she not happy about the attempted murder but her curiosity wins out. You see her poking at Billy and trying to figure him out in the rest of this scene.

Agatha also hates self-righteous moralising and searches out for the darkness in people – delights in it even – because she knows people and she knows her own darkness.

Billy is different but also not so different from Agatha, as much as Billy or his mom would hate to admit.

Agatha is dealing with her childhood trauma

Yes, Agatha is projecting on Billy, but she makes a choice about it. We hear her telling him what she would have wanted someone to tell her: that they shouldn't be afraid or ashamed of who they are or what they did to survive, that they are part of a community.

Don't you dare feel guilty about your talent. ... That's what kept you alive. That's what makes you special. That's what makes you a witch.

She's trying to be the person she needed when she was a child, because she simply doesn't want someone else – particularly a younger witch – going through what she did.

She doesn't want anyone to go through what her mother put her through. And that's a choice.

Because there are a number of ways a character can deal with trauma: they can lash out and bring others down, wanting others to experience to the pain they went through, or they can realise that what happened to them shouldn't happen to anyone else in their position.

There's something beautifully self-serving but also selfless in that, because this is a way for Agatha to heal from her trauma. She can tell Billy things she may not be able to tell herself.

And it's interesting because as a self-serving villain, Agatha could just be jealous of Billy's power. But in this moment at least, Agatha's empathy and compassion – as buried as they usually are – prevail.

And yes, Agatha was fond of kid Billy

This is what Schaeffer touched on in her interview answer and it makes sense, with the insight that Agatha – like any good actor – does invest a bit of herself in every role she plays.

Agatha does have feelings (as much as they might make her vomit) and I do believe she has a soft spot when it comes to kids, given her experience with her son and her own childhood trauma. And that kids don't have the level of hypocrisy and darkness that adults do.

It makes sense that Agatha would have some level of care about the Scarlet Witch's magical kid Billy. And that is a fondness that has carried onto teenage Billy – who is powerful and a survivor and has a potential for darkness in a way she can relate to.

There are layers and they intersect and it all ties back to how Agatha is incredibly complex and yet consistent as a character.

[mv1simp]

Just Hold On, We’re Going Home ♥️

Max Verstappen x Fiancé! Reader

I got my eye on you, you’re everything that I see (I want your hot love and emotion, endlessly)

After a particularly bad argument with his father, Max is mentally checked out and needs to be pulled out of the dark place his mind has gone too. As his fiancé, you know just what to say to make him feel your love and bring him safely home.

Content includes: 18+ MDNI, smut, size kink, orgasm denial, I know I said I would never write subby max and that was apparently a LIE, but he’s more of a soft pure loverboy who needs you ok, you both have daddy issues, mild angst and childhood trauma, 3.1k WC

You can tell your fiancé’s mind is somewhere else right now, instead of at the intimate dinner you’re sharing at a cosy restaurant. You know this because you know Max well, having been friends before you two started dating, meeting as mutuals within the same extended group, and then online where you would both take a break from your demanding careers to enjoy a friendly grand theft auto competition.

Your friendship had gotten closer when you’d proved to be someone he could trust and always rely on. Especially when it came to talking about his father - a very multi layered relationship given that Max owed a large part of his F1 success to Jos’s discipline and the fact that, well, said discipline had involved emotional abuse on a good day and physical abuse on a bad one. It was a complex dynamic to unpack, and one that he didn’t really do with anyone - because he couldn’t trust anyone outside his family to not leak it to the media somehow. And within his family, the only one who came close to understanding was his little sister Victoria - who wanted to talk about it just as little as Max did.

However, you knew a thing or two about complex relationships with parents, growing up in a household with a luxury property developer tyrant of a father, and a homemaker mother who would never dare come between her husband and his demands for absolute perfection from his children, especially from you - the eldest. Similarly to Max, you owed a large part of your highly successful investment company and Oxford financial degree to your father’s attitude, which had been so sweet on days you performed, and then like a dark thunderstorm on the days you didn’t.

So you’d been the only one to see the look in Max’s eye one night when he’d had one too many to drink at a house party, and had wandered out into the garden by himself. You’d spotted him leaving, already having a growing soft spot for your friend at that stage, and had followed him out. It had taken you a while to find him amongst the dark sprawling bushes, but when you did, you promptly sat down next to the much taller Dutchman and didn’t ask him anything. Instead, you told him about the time you’d scored 99.9 on a notoriously difficult advanced calculus exam, and you’d proudly told your father about the result of your months of study, top in your class - and he’d responded by coldly demanding why you didn’t get the 100. What’d you say to him? Max slurred, morbidly intrigued by the story.

Nothing, I was way too upset I'd disappointed him. But I did go fight the Mathematics head professor about giving me the extra 0.1. You shrugged, telling him you probably should’ve just gone to frickin family therapy instead and saved yourself arguing for 45 minutes only to find out 99.9 was the highest possible mark anyways.

Max looked at you, blue eyes intense in the moonlight. You in turn looked back at him with nervous doe eyes, and when he didn’t say anything, anxiously started apologising. Perhaps you’d read his emotions wrong, you didn’t mean to overstep and relate to his own relationship with his father-

Max cuts you off to explain what had been on his mind. I’m sorry, you - you argued for 45 minutes with the department head for an extra 0.1? On top of 99.9? This time, when your gazes meet, you both burst into drunk giggles at the sheer absurdity of a five foot nothing, 15 year old schoolgirl going toe to toe with a grumpy old professor for such a thing.

He’d started opening up to you after that, bit by bit peeling back the onion layers, because you always met his confessions with no judgement because this was his narrative, and helped him reflect on his emotions and understand why, 20 years on, he still couldn't accept a compliment but easily responded to insults. And when you two finally became a couple after a very convoluted weekend in Ibiza - involving multiple schemes from both parties, various slutty outfit choices from Max that showed off his abs, and your use of one (1) Charles Leclerc to make his Dutch childhood karting rival jealous (a story for another time) - you’d heard the full tale of what Max’s upbringing had been like.

And now, 5 years on from the infamous Ibiza weekend, and sitting across from him at dinner as his fiancée, you know instantly from the look in his eyes what's troubling him. You touch his large hand gently to draw him back in, and with a startle he comes back to you, apologising. It’s been a shit last few races, yeah? You start, going straight to the source of his worries. And now a big one this weekend, Zandvoort, your home race.

Max sighs, nodding, grateful for your ability to pick up on what's on his mind without him needing to say it. On your drive home he rants passionately about all the bullshit decisions his team has been making and the problems with the car he's asked to get fix for months. You soothe him reassuringly, rubbing his hand where it rests firmly on your thigh as his other drives, chiming in to agree with his critiques and make him laugh with jokes to diffuse his tension.

And that night he shows you just how thankful he is for all your understanding, picking you up in a display of strength that always has you needy and dripping for him. He smirks as you beg him to take you to bed and fuck me, please Maxie, after he has you breathlessly stretched out on his large, thick fingers. Like the good fiance he is he gives you what you want, all his stress melting away with each strong thrust into your small frame underneath him, your tiny hands clinging desperately to his broad shoulders.

You're furious the next morning when you wake up to multiple calls that there'd been a massive PR scandal within one of your principal investing companies, sending your high profile clients into panic - including your father, who demanded you fly out to London right now to sort this out. You'd been ready to send your executive manager out instead, not wanting to miss this important race for Max - but he'd chuckled and reassured you he was sure he could handle it - having done some odd 200 races or another. So after giving him a guilty kiss, you two fly off in opposite directions. You'd meant to have arrived to the paddock by Saturday noon at the latest, in time for qualifying at least, but London takes longer than expected. You don't come until halfway through the race on Sunday, and see him take P2 after multiple mistakes on the track - both from him and his team. Despite the objectively good result, you know Max would not be pleased. Seeing the stormy expression on his face on the podium after he'd tersely greeted you post-race, you give him his space to cool off, knowing it's not personal. Instead you catch up with the other WAGs and laugh at Charles who still faintly blushes at the sight of you, thinking about Ibiza. But later, when you head to the Redbull garage, you hear raised voices arguing in Dutch - before Jos emerges from Max's room and storms away. You pause before deciding to go in, gently asking how he's doing.

Max, as you expected, scoffs and sarcastically asks how do you think he's doing. You continue reassuring him, being used to seeing him like this after a bad race, and place a soft hand on his shoulder to soothe him - only for him to rip it off you almost violently, making you flinch in surprise. He yells at you to stop pretending like you understood a damn thing, as if you'd have any idea what kind of high pressure he has to deal with compared to your comfortable office job.

You manage to hold it together as you tell him you're going to leave, you'll be flying back to Monaco and will talk to him there once he's calmed down. He rolls his eyes, telling you to get out, then and you make sure you're well away from the paddock and in the privacy of a car before you left yourself cry. Max had definitely been angry around you before, even enraged - but you'd never felt the full brunt of it come out and attack you so directly. Taking a deep breath, you focus on calming yourself down, as the argument brings up your anxieties from your own father - who had no problem raising his voice when he was angry. By the time you land in Monaco, you're ready to head back to the office, where you end up accidentally sleeping on your couch after tidying up the rest of your PR scandal.

The next day as you're coming home from work, unlocking the door to your shared apartment with Max, you stumble forward when the door is yanked open. On the other side is your rather panicked looking fiancee, who says that he'd thought that you- he swallows, looking like he was about to be sick -that you'd left. Forever. Perplexed, you tell him that you’d never do that, not without talking to him, and he launches into a frantic apology, saying that he regretted his words so much, that you didn't deserve to have him take his anger out onto you. Grateful for the sincere apology, you let him know with a genuine smile, saying that you're completely okay now, you had understood he’d been frustrated in the heat of the moment.

But Max's worried looks at you don't stop as you wander off to take a shower and then continue over your favourite dinner that he'd cooked, uncomfortable with the compliments you gave him about it - as per usual, still struggling to accept a kind word about anything he did. When you feel his upset gaze on you again when you're cuddled against his shirtless chest, watching a movie, you decide enough is enough and pressed pause to gently ask him what was on his mind.

That I just let all my anger out onto you like that without any hesitation. And the things I said about your job not being important - God, it’s something my dad would have said. His guilt at having hurt you with his cruel words make his blue eyes bright with the threat of tears. He says he couldn't just accept that you'd let it go because you thought it was fine, because it wasn't, not really, don't ever let me speak to you like that again, schat.

Bringing yourself up to straddle your fiance's wide lap, you settle in comfortably and closely examine the helpless look in his pretty eyes. It's rare for Max to get so worked about something like this, being the rather laid back guy he is off the track. But when he does get like this, all pent up from stress, his father’s expectations heavy on one shoulder and the fear of turning out like him on the other, there’s very few ways to pull him out of his head. Gun to your head, you’ll admit, you had your own personal favourite method for helping Max unwind. Because on nights like these, it's the the only time he'll hand the control over to you in the bedroom and the only place where he'll accept your compliments. With a teasing smile, you pepper him with gentle kisses, erasing away every tense line on his face.

Sure, Max you whisper breathily into his ear, biting the edge of it, I guess I did forgive you too easily. Maybe I should make you work for it, hmm? A delicious pink flush spreads across Max's cheeks, making you grin wickedly and press deep kisses into his soft mouth. He breathlessly whines when you pull away to tease your hand down his muscles chest, stopping just above his low waisted sweats. You can already feel how hard he is underneath you with the impressive semi he’s sporting. Choosing to ignore it, you climb off him and pull him along with you too. He follows you like a lost dog to where you walk over to the kitchen, dropping your hoodie as you went, to reveal a cute La Perla pink set underneath that he'd given you for an anniversary.

When you stop to lean against the counter, eyeing him coyly, he tilts his head down curiously - only to have you tangle your small hands through his messy, long locks and guide him all the way down, until he's on his knees below you. He looks positively delicious, all soft and flushed, as you coo that he needs to prove just how sorry he is, by putting that mean mouth of his to work and eating you out, yeah?

He nods eagerly, burying his large nose right into your core and breathing in, licking furiously through your thin panties and when he tries to yank the lacy garment out of the way, you swat his hand back, telling him no, not yet, he didn’t deserve it.

He whines openly then, teary and breathless against you as he kisses along your thighs, the swell of your ass, and then to your delicate ankle as you teasingly stop him coming any closer with a foot to his toned chest, your gold anklet dangling. Running a hand through his hair again, you tug on it firmly so you can smirk down at him when he begs you please, schat, I promise I’ll be s'good for you-

Your resolve is crumbling at seeing your normally in control fiancé reduced to putty in your small hands. Trying to maintain your willpower, you teasingly pull your pink bralette off first, enjoying the way Max's breath hitches, eyes wide with pure need, as he follows your hands ever so slowly slide your panties down your legs. But he still doesn't move, fists clenched into his thighs, desperate blue eyes looking up at you, waiting for your approval to touch you. You throw him a bone and slide one soft thigh over his broad shoulder, your other leg still leaning against the counter, giving him irresistible access to your dripping pussy. Go on then, baby, you tease, here's your reward.

He buries his tongue into you in half a millisecond, eating you out like he's kneeling at your altar and worshipping your thighs. His large hands squeeze your curvy ass, pulling you even closer onto his tongue as he hungrily eats you out like a starved man. You're moaning sweetly, telling him he's doing so good for you, it feels amazing, that you wonder how the world would react if they knew their favourite F1 champion was as good at eating pussy as he was at driving racecars.

Your praise has him keening, now desperately kissing and sucking your core, and somehow both your thighs have ended up draped across his strong shoulders, his large palms still squeezing your ass. This angle lets him slide in deeper than you’ve ever felt his mouth reach, face completely buried between your thick thighs, and with a few more talented flicks you’re lean back against the counter and squirting right onto his waiting tongue.

Dazed from the intensity of your orgasm, it takes you a few minutes to come down from your high, and Max slowly licks your clit in the meantime, toeing the line to overstimulation. Standing back up shakily from potentially the most mind blowing oral you've ever had in your life, you tilt his chin up to look at you with a gentle hand, giving him a kiss because he was such a good boy, all for me, yeah baby?

He nods furiously, almost looking like a cute Labrador with his blonde hair and blue eyes and you giggle at the mental image, telling him he’s earned his next treat. Max practically stumbles after you as you gently tug him up by his jaw and back over to the comfortable sofa, where he sits down after you playfully shove his chest. His muscular thighs spread wide to make a perfect throne for you to climb onto. He's still in his boxers, his bulge straining against the damp material, and you tease him with a smug smirk, asking if he'd already cum in his pants just from eating you out, like a dirty little perv?

He desperately moans out his No, no, promise I didn’t, held it all back to fill inside you, please- He becomes breathless from your mean hands that tease his cock further through his boxers. When he tried to redirect you, guiding your hand under his boxers to where he really needs it, you shove him away and tell him to keep his hands to himself. You demand to know why he thinks he deserves to put his gross, sticky cum anywhere near your sweet, precious hole, is he at least going to use some manners and ask politely?

Max pants, face flushed and blonde strands attractively stuck to his forehead as he feverishly begs you, please, schat, he needed to be inside of you so bad, he couldn't take it, hadn't he been so good for you already? You can tell your fiance is close to his tipping point, and you almost send him over the edge with a smooth motion as you slip his fully erect, huge cock out of his boxers and start lazily jerking him off. Sliding your fingers into his mouth for him to lick, you smirk as he does exactly that. Using his spit on your hands to give him a couple good pumps - making his breath hitch as he struggles to hold back his orgasm - you guide his throbbing length to your dripping pussy, which is so ready for a second round.

Max screws his eyes shut, head thrown back, as you wickedly torment him some more, dragging his tip teasingly along your puffy lips, drenching him with your slick. His hands dig into the sofa, desperately trying to resist the urge to touch you like you'd ordered him to earlier. And when you finally sink down on him, all the way to his base, he's moaning and begging again, tears in the corner of his eyes as you slowly ride him - edging his poor cock with the relief of your tight, warm cunny but not giving it quite enough pressure. And when your thighs are starting to get tired from the effort, and Max has ripped holes on your sofa while gripping the fabric, you know it's time to let him take control again.

Guiding his hands gently to your waist, you lean forward into his firm chest to whisper Maxie, baby, it's too much for you, can he please help you out and make you cum again-

His eyes snap open, wide blue eyes coming to stare into your pleading doe ones as you hand the power over to him, all dished up on a silver platter with a pretty please. He brings his forehead forward to lean against yours, your ragged breaths meeting as you feel shivers run up your spine in anticipation of what’s coming. Then, with an all too familiar smirk returning to his face, he tightens his hands into a bruising grip on your waist and easily begins bouncing you up and down on his fat cock. His wide thighs, which had been straining in an effort to hold back, now flex as he thrusts deeply into you from below, making you wail at the furious change in pace and you're screaming his name, proving once again just how good he makes you feel. You two barely last another few seconds before you're cumming, your name on his lips as he pumps an obscenely thick creampie into you.

You stay like that for a while, sweaty and tangled in each others arms, exchanging gentle kisses and loving affirmations with him still deep inside you, until sleep starts to take over. Later, after you'd showered because wow, that had been a particularly filthy session, you find yourself stroking his damp hair as he lies against your chest, the rest of his body on the bed to keep the weight off you. Thank you, liefje, he murmurs sleepily against you. At your inquisitive hmm? he presses a loving kiss to your skin, telling you his thanks was for always knowing how to calm me down. For always bringing me back home. I love you.

You smile in the dark, warmth blooming across your chest as you press a kiss to his head. Always, Max, just like you do for me. I love you too.

---------------------------------------------------------

A/N: SOO i never thought i'd write this but after zandervoot im manifesting the return of max supremacy with this. had to rewrite a bunch of times cause genuinly couldn’t picture max as sub instead of dom so lmk what u guys think!! Also… should i do a part 2 where its the reader with daddy issues instead hehehe 😼😼😮‍💨

[genderqueerdykes]

hey, i saw a post on here saying you guys support non "traumagenic" systems and I was wanting to know if thats true.

You guys are so amazing and have helped me with my identity a lot, but this information is really important to me as a trauma survivor with severe PTSD. If you are pro endos but are open to listening to trauma survivors and phycology sources, I absolutely will provide them. I want you guys to be a safe space for people with PTSD and dissociative disorders so bad, as people who has OSDDDID tend to have more "contradictory" labels in the first place, due to the complex relationship all the different alters identities make combined.

I'm hoping so much that you'll be open to listening if this is true.

hello! i'm good, i don't need any!

if you only have severe PTSD and not a dissociative disorder and do not identify as plural, you should NOT be commenting on plurality at all. like i hate to break it to you, but if you do not deal with plurality, you do not know what the experience is like. reading papers about it will not give you insight into how people actually live.

i'm an inclusive Dissociative Identity Disorder system who is 100% pro endo, and any other type of system. i support ALL plurals, i don't cherry pick. you're correct, this blog is a safe space, especially for people with "contradictory" identities or ones that "don't make sense." why wouldn't i be here for endogenic and non traumagenic systems?

that would go against everything i stand for.

i am a trauma survivor as well. i *have* DID, i don't really need any resources on the matter- before I was diagnosed i spent years researching, and i still do keep up with research. i am aware that DID and OSDD are caused by trauma! generally it's severe, repeated trauma and/or neglect. i have no memories of my life before the age of 10. i too have severe PTSD, i have a diagnosis for C-PTSD in specific. i live with this every day of my life. i still have a lot of trauma and triggers. i black out and lose time and regularly forget who i am or where i'm at.

something to keep in mind is research on DID has literally 0 bearing on other types of plurality. just because there is a lot of research into DID, OSDD, etc. does not mean that other plural experiences do not exist. when ONLY siting medical sources and saying that because there's no other "proof" or "evidence" that other types of plurality "can't" exist, it's an appeal to authority. there is no research data to point toward because studies on DID and OSDD and other dissociative disorders have really only gained traction within the last 10 - 20 years maximum. this is an extremely recent phenomenon! just because there are no (paid, keep in mind that studies have to find funding, and investors are picky) medical papers or studies to point toward doesn't mean something isn't happening.

someone identifying as plural without trauma is not an affront to plurals who do have trauma. someone identifying as a system who doesn't have or know of any childhood trauma is not spitting in your face. i've seen this take around and it's just not it. don't take someone else's mental health as an attack on yours. it's not hurting you at all for people to identify as plural if they don't have trauma. it's not spitting in *my* face, so it's not spitting in yours, either. it's okay to let non traumagenic systems exist. it's not exacerbating your trauma or re-traumatizing you or subjecting you to new trauma.

they're not saying that your trauma is invalid just because they don't have any. i don't like people who get on a high horse because they have a dissociative disorder and act like they get to police how other people's brains work. you only know how your brain works. you do not know how any other type of system works.

endogenic systems are not identifying as endogenic to spite you or dissociative systems. they're not doing it to hurt you. they're doing it because they identify as multiple people. that is not being done with the intention to hurt anyone. this is about THEM, not you. nobody is the protagonist of the plural community. no one.

as a plural, myself, i get to choose who i support. and i choose to support people who aren't hurting anyone or doing anything wrong. i really don't care how offensive some people find non traumagenic systems, but they're not hurting you, me, or anyone else. live and let live. you don't know how someone else's brain works. you will never be able to know how someone else's brain works. accepting that will make your life easier.

being angry at other people for not having trauma will not make yours go away or undo what was done to you. you should never take out your frustrations on people who haven't hurt you. endos haven't hurt you, you just don't agree with them. these are 2 separate things. also you really don't have the right to comment on the nature of how complex non traumagenic plurality is or is not- endogenic systems can have just as many nuanced and complex identities regardless of whether or not they're dissociating. they're still multiple people whether or not you see them that way. they also have complex identities, why wouldn't they? being different people leads to a lot of complexity. you should still see them as multiple people even if you don't think it's legit. that's basic respect for another person who, again, literally hasn't hurt you.

also endogenic and non dissociative systems are still people, and we should still care about them. they're still people even if you don't agree with them, and again: they have not hurt you by virtue of existing.

hope that helps and makes sense. i am not open to changing my mind on this, but i appreciate you giving me a good reason to explain my stance on the matter. i don't have the right to police other people and tell them how their own brains work. you don't have that right, either. i'm not here to police anyone. that goes against everything i stand for. i don't gatekeep.

i'm not a cop.

[glamourscat]

¡Shidou’s hcs and character analysis!

tw// childhood trauma, violence, reference to possible SA in his past, my writing cause I didn’t proffered this

PHYSICAL TOUCH!! Friends, lovers or even just acquaintances, he has the bad habit of seeking touch, small or big doesn’t matter. From shoving to fidgeting. It’s different obviously base on the relationship you have with him. Are you two friends? Expect playful shoves, ruffling each other’s hair, if sat together legs or shoulders will touch casually. He is the type of person to laugh and slap your shoulder while laughing. 

If you two are lovers: hand holding (he does that thing of rubbing his thumb on the back of your hand), kisses, hair ruffling, legs intertwined, hugs from the back, nibbling/biting. Pressing his forehead against yours. SQUEEZES. Especially if you have more fat on you, he would *love* it. The need to hold you close and squish your rolls or chub. 

I personally see him as unlabelled. I know a lot like to hc him as gay. And it does make sense, but one can flirt with guys and it doesn’t erase the possibility of being into women too. That said, I do believe he has a preference for guys, especially aesthetically, but ultimately his choice of a partner would be base on mental compatibility and aesthetic attraction, no gender. I feel he is into someone who truly enjoys being their true self and doesn’t conform to society norms, more on this in a sec.

He is complex, as we see glimpses of this in the “egoist bible” and during his internal dialogue (like in the U20 arc). I don’t think he would be a bad boyfriend, but neither would he be perfect. Objectively speaking, he does have a rough, almost explosive side. But that’s a side he brings onto the football field. How he is outside of football we don’t really know. He is shown to be someone who values uniques, and also strength, complimenting other players strengths. He is not a demon, he just so happens to be a human with a deep complex personality. He seems to value peace in his life outside of football, which is something you don’t expect from him. Because he gets presented as this brute individual and yet he is the same who pops out this answers: “What made you cry recently?” At the end of the day when I become nothing, tears come out.

“What will you do on your last day on earth” Watch it as it reaches its end

“How would you spend your day off?” Be free from everything and become nothing

His answers are, intense, are they not? Which leads me to several thoughts. 1) He is very lonely. Using humour and anger to defend himself, a common trait of children who were abused, neglected in their childhood.

2) base on this, I feel in a relationship he would enjoy someone who has similar vibes to him but ultimately is different. Someone he can be chaotic with, someone he can laugh as loud as he wants, someone with who he can gossip and still have deep conversations at the same time. Ultimately, an artistic partner would be the best. Not only because he is into art, mostly as a way to cool down and shut down his brain, but because an artist or even a writer can see the world under different shades of colours rather than in greyscale. Classical introverted x extrovert duo, with the exception that the introvert individual becomes as extrovert as him when they are alone. His partner is his ancor. He will need to feel at peace from the turmoil inside of him. 

3)his home life was not the happy kind. Now, this has been long speculated and I will give my 50 cents on the matter. Let’s analyse his favourite movie, manga and song: 

Music > hide. Especially "Pink Spider" 

Movie > "A Clockwork Orange" 

Manga > "Chainsawman"

On the base line all three explore the darker sides of humanity, the need for personal freedom, and the consequences of defying societal norms. They create a raw and intense narrative about self-destruction, survival, and transformation.

But if we dive deeper > the movie mainly depicts SA, it’s a twist mix of violence, societal injustices and lack of free will… “Chainsaw man” it’s all about violence, power imbalance and manipulation. Denji was a tool from the start to end (again, lack of free will). The song, explored themes of internal chaos, the darkness in humanity, destruction and emotional turbulence and the psychological tool that that violence and abuse leaves on people.  I mean… can it be any more obvious? His whole character is shown to be this brute, rude, violent individual but slowly we are being feed details into his insight. Like how deeply philosophical he is, artistic and yet he is genuinely over sexualised. Maybe is a reach, but I don’t think that movie, the song and the manga choice are casual. They are a mirror image into the possibility that his childhood was pretty much terrible. That his sexual comments, which come off as almost distasteful, and feel icky in a way, are a projection of what he went through. Trying to use a distorted sense of humour and the violence he grew up with, to shield himself from what’s his personal life and past.

Like when he was locked up, his reaction was intense. He was close to begging to be set free. Again— lack of freedom, he hates not being able to be free. Something could have been taken away from him in the past. Maybe is as simple as a culture thing— as we know Japan is a rather modest country with certain unspoken rules. Its traditional outlook on things such as gender and sexuality are the total opposite of Shidou’s persona. His appearance is loud, his personality is loud and it alls screams “look at me I’m here” and yet at the end of the day he is still a lonely being.

I recently reread the U20 chapter where he enters on the field. His inner monologue he uses biology (specifically fertilization) as an analogy to scoring. Many people interpret it as him making a connection to sex, but for me, it didn’t read as such. Maybe it’s my literature student nerd ass, but, I took from his inner monologue a sense of need in terms of leaving a mark onto this world. He speaks how art leaves a mark, so does books, buildings and obviously children, showing the family legacy. Proof that something existed before them.

Shidou feels that his legacy, his needs, are validated through scoring. He feels seen, people are cheering. He is leaving a mark. Which ultimately could be validating a lack of emotional attention he received when he was a child. To me, all of these references and the constant sexual innuendos are a meaning for something deeper. We saw how each character with a heavy backstory has a trait or something in them that screams “something is not right”. Like Rin’s personality being a result of what happened between him and Sae. Can’t think of anything else to add, maybe I will add something later. If you have any opinions, I am more than willing to read them!! Feel free to reblog/comment :))

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 25: Are Family Reunions Always This Awkward?

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy. This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter twenty five of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 5.5K

Warnings: I'm gonna label this one 18+ because it's got some heavier things in it, a few more sexual references, and it's kind of dark (more sad). Dark themes, Angst, Cursing, Sexual References, A little bit of heavy making out, Family Problems- A LOT of family problems, Homelander being a freak (he is), References to rape (It's only for a moment, but it doesn't make it any less terrible), Homelander is really bad in this chapter, Oedipus Complex (It's Homelander), Threatening, Past Trauma, Death Mentioned, Kidnapping. Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC. Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.

Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

A/N: One last warning, Homelander is a freak. Honestly the guy creeps me out in general, but in this he's especially creepy. AND It did not bring me joy to write this. I struggled with it, but I think it’s the thing that has to happen to move this story forward. And this chapter legit has the biggest tone shift in the UNIVERSE of tone shifts.

“Are you angry with her?” Ben’s voice rumbles up through his chest as you lay beside him. You were sharing the same pillow, faces inches apart, breathing the same air. His hand was tracing shapes into the small of your back, arm draped heavy over the curve of your hip, but it was a comforting weight. It reminded you that he was there and that he wanted to be, and you were getting used to that.

"A little." You breathe with a frown. Your hands are locked at the back of Ben's neck, gently dragging through the hair at the nape of his neck the way you know he likes. He groans softly at the movement, leaning further towards you as you do. "But now learning about everything that happened with Charlie, I get it. He was manipulating her the same way that Vought manipulated us for so long, the same way that they manipulated Homelander as he grew up."

Ben frowns at the mention of your son.

Rosemary had been calmer about the reveal of Homelander as her brother, but you figured that maybe you needed to let her wrap her head around it.

Maybe she was more focused on what Vought had done to me.

After Rosemary's confession this morning the day had been spent trying to figure out what you were going to do about your son. Butcher, Hughie, and Legend had been just as surprised at the news. And you knew that Butcher was waiting for some kind of hesitation to proceed with the plan to kill Homelander, but he wouldn't find any.

Homelander needed to be stopped, he was a monster, and you knew that there wasn't a shred of humanity left. It broke your heart to admit that to yourself, that your son was a monster, but it was true. Homelander became the thing that Vought warped and twisted him into. There was no semblance of someone that you could care about left, no reminder of humanity in his eyes.

At least that was what you told yourself, and it was what you told Ben, but deep down you wished that you were wrong. You wished that maybe there was something left behind, something redeemable.

He grew up without a family in a cold lab, raised by monsters who did with him what they wished.

You think to reason with yourself. Maybe it was because you remembered what Ben said that Vought tried to do to him. It was true of course, Vought had tried to do the same thing to Ben and you when you took the serum. And maybe it did work on Ben a little bit, the façade that he adopted for Soldier Boy did seem to lean in the direction of warm-blooded American symbol that Vought wanted, but Ben was different and so were you.

"If you're not sure about this, we can try to talk to him." Ben whispers leaning his forehead against yours.

"I know. We can try, but I don't think Butcher is really going to go for that plan."

"I don't give a fuck about him. I only care about you."

"Uh-huh?" You smirk. "You don't care about anyone else?"

"Huh?"

"No body else? Because you and Lou looked pretty cozy earlier playing go fish."

They had. Lou had won and Ben was trying his best not to be upset that he got beat at a card game by a four year old.

"That little girl is a shark. Just like someone else I know." Ben snorts out a laugh and pulls you closer to him, so much so that you can feel the ghost of his smile against your lips.

“Well I never-“ You smile nudging your nose into the space between your faces.

"Fine, you caught me. I do care about her, and I care about Rosemary. Even if she does fucking hate me.”

“She doesn’t hate you as much as she thinks she does.”

“Hmm.”

"But I knew it." Your lips brush against his. "You're such a big softie."

Ben rolls his eyes. "Only for you Sweetheart." His hand stops tracing shapes against the back of your shirt and instead flattens against your back to pull you tighter against him. Your fingers thread through the locks of his hair, loving the way he feels pressed up against you, loving how after all these years it feels the same way and how it still feels like he was made for you and that you were made for him. When you were with Ben you didn't feel fat, because every soft part of you molded against the hardness of his muscles so perfectly that it made you feel like you belonged together.

"You know, I don't really like go fish all that much." Ben's smirks, kissing you back enthusiastically, his beard scratching against your skin in a way that makes everything else fade into the background. "I wouldn't mind playing some strip poker with you though."

"Oh really? What a surprise. Because you've always been better at poker than me."

"That's exactly why it would be fun." He rolls you over on your back, his large body over yours, his hips fitting between your legs, bringing them up around his waist with his free hand as he keeps kissing you.

"You're a man of simple tastes I guess." You laugh into his mouth, tightening your grip in his hair, tugging at the strands.

"Nothing simple about you doll." He all but growls against your lips. "And the only thing that I want is you."

The kiss deepens enough that you can feel yourself quickly losing yourself in him, but that's the way it always seemed when he kissed you. It felt like you held your arms out and spun in a circle until you were drunk and your head was spinning so fast nothing else seemed to fit, but Him. Time seemed to slow, the earth stopped spinning, everything around you was gone and the only thing left behind was Ben. You wondered if it was like that for him.

"Fuck you taste like strawberries." Ben mutters into your mouth.

Of course you did. You had ice cream before you came to bed, taking bites from Lou's bowl when she wasn't looking.

Ben tasted like the vanilla ice cream he’d had that he chased down with a glass of whiskey. You could feel yourself getting drunk on the sweet and vintage taste, sinking further into the mattress with his comfortable weight on top of you.

You moan into his mouth, moving your hands from his hair to grip his shoulders so tight that Ben could feel the bruises from your fingertips forming against his skin, but he didn’t care. You knew he liked it, knew that he liked that you were the only one strong enough to do that to him. He drags his lips down to kiss along your jawline, finally finding the place just in its shadow to suck another mark to replace the one that had faded a few days ago.

“Ben-“ You giggle, feeling the tickle of his beard against your skin. “You’ve really got to stop doing that.”

The words held no power, you didn’t want him to stop, didn't want any of this to end. It wasn't just because it felt good, it was because it felt right, the two of you together finally.

“Doing what?” He smirks up at you innocently.

Sometimes you hated how pretty he was, it meant that he got away with whatever he wanted and you were along for the ride. But in a pinch it was a good thing. When the two of you were children, Ben's good looks and charms had gotten the two of you out of trouble more than once.

“You keep giving me hickeys and it’s going to scar our daughter for life. Not to mention Lou asked me what it was today and I wasn’t about to have THAT conversation with a four year old.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it.” He drops his lips back down to the same spot. “I remember everything you like.”

His words are breathed against your skin, caressing something deep inside that makes you shudder beneath him.

Immediately you're transported back to the night of your birthday, when Ben made love to you and made you feel seen, understood, and loved for the first time in your life. The memories of that night wash over you in full color, moments that you wished to relive over and over again with Ben.

“Did you think I would forget?” Ben purrs as he continues to kiss along the hollow your throat, igniting something that you hadn’t felt in forty years. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget that night. Ever be able to forget how it felt to finally make love to you, to finally have you the way I wanted for so long, and to finally show you how much you mean to me.”

He raises his head from your throat, hands gripping your waist tightly to keep you wrapped around his body. His green eyes shine with mischief, his dark hair falling forward into his face as he stares down at you, seeing through you like no one ever has. His expression softens. “Because you do y/n. You mean everything to me” His voice is quiet, but it doesn’t make what he said any less important.

You gently cup his cheeks, pulling his lips back down in a fierce kiss that burns through your body. Ben smiles into your mouth, letting his guard down and as he does you leverage your weight to roll him over on his back so now you’re in his lap and he’s staring up at you, his eyes shining with something that almost makes you grab the front of his shirt and haul him back up to you for another kiss.

You smirk widely at him, hands planted against his toned stomach. He’d gone to bed without wearing a shirt again and you were far from complaining. You lean forward, your lips barely brushing his ear. “What makes you think I’ve forgotten what you like?”

“Fuck sweetheart. I won’t complain about anything you do to me.” Ben groans. His hands are holding on to your hips, pushing up your shirt to rest on the curves of your pelvis. "As long as I get to be with you, I'll be happy."

You kiss along his jaw, feeling the heat of his body radiating up through where you’re touching.

“Sweetheart?” Ben’s voice is strained, hands splayed wide over your hips. The roughness of his palms is comforting and familiar, the warmth of his skin  soothing. No one else ever seemed to be as warm as him. 

 Your lips drop to his throat as you kiss along the skin loving the tickle of stubble against the tip of your nose. “I’m a little busy at the moment baby.” You hum against him  as you begin to such a mark into the hollow of his throat, because you’re the only one able to do that to him.

Ben moans softly as you do it, shuddering below you, and it makes you feel powerful that you’re able to do that, to make him fall apart and make him lose himself in you the way he always seems to consume you.

“Y/n-“ Ben breathes  as you wrap yourself tighter around him, continuing to suck on the same spot. “Hmm?” You pull back to look at his face, raising a hand to push back the dark strands that have fallen into his eyes with a gentle hand.

You still were having a hard time with that despite everything. That Ben genuinely wanted to be yours the way you were always his. Somewhere deep down the little girl you used to be was finally content, finally able to hold the little boy she had loved for decades.

“I never said thank you.” He murmurs sitting up so you slide back into his lap and he’s able to hold you to him, his arms circling your waist.

“For?” Your arms link behind his neck. You can’t stop the soft smile that pulls at your lips when you look at your best friend. It was weird to think that you’d known each other so long and not know what you were missing, not know how perfect this would feel.

He kisses you again. “You always take care of me. Always have taken care of me.” Ben drops his lips to brush against your shirt over the scar the bullet left behind just over your heart.

You knew he was thinking about the day that you took a bullet for him and you wondered how much he thought about that. If the memory haunted him, if all the memories of your deaths haunted him.

“Well somebody’s got to. You’re a mess.”

“Not when I’m with you.”

“No.” You say happily keeping his head pressed against your chest. “That’s because I do my job. It's difficult sometimes but-"

"Shut up." Ben groans.

It's quiet for a few minutes as you stay there, gently stroking your fingertips in the way you know he likes, the dark strands shuffling through your hands.

He breathes deeply, as if he wishes to breathe you in, to pull you into him until there's nothing left but him and you. "I missed you so much Sweetheart."

"I missed you too Ben."

"And I-" His voice cracks with emotion, his next words getting caught in the back of his throat.

"Ben?" You cup his cheek worried. His bright green eyes have dimmed and you see something pass through them that looks almost like shame. "What's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry."

"What did I say about apologizing?"

"Not for Countess. I'm sorry if the way you loved me ever felt like a burden.” He swallows.

You remember the words you said to Rosemary earlier about what love should be like.

“Ben- do you want me to tell you the truth?”

“Always.”

 You sigh, stroking your thumb across his cheekbone. “Sometimes it did, but only because I’d loved you for so long and it always felt like I was trying to hold on to who you were before you became Soldier Boy and trying to run to catch up. Like I had to change who I was to keep you happy and I really just wanted you to be happy Ben. You weren’t happy when we were kids and you were so excited about being supes and I-“

“I was happy when I was with you.” Ben whispers leaning his forehead against yours. “When you were gone I wasn’t. When I went away on those stupid filming trips and you were at your apartment all I thought about was getting back to you. I didn’t care about the films or the fame, if you weren’t there I didn’t see a point. And all I wanted was for you to be happy too, but not like that-“

“It wasn’t always bad, just sometimes. When I’d have to intervene between you and someone else or when you’d come to my apartment smelling like someone else or when I’d occasionally walk in on you and another woman in your apartment or at herogasm.” You sigh. “I didn’t have a right to feel the way I did. I shouldn’t have been jealous, you didn’t belong to me-“

“But I do.” He doesn’t blink, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look remorseful for sharing too much. “Always. And I swear that I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you, choosing you like you chose me that night.”

You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes as you sit there on his lap, feeling the familiar contours of his body wrapped around yours. “I don’t regret it.” You murmur. “You are my family. And I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too Ben.”

He kisses you fiercely, taking away any pain from the past and finally making you forget the moments he was gone, because now he was here and he wasn’t going anywhere. Ben presses his forehead back into your chest, tightening his grip on your waist.

You take in a deep breath smelling the comforting smells that you ascribe to Ben, but there's another smell that's coming from somewhere in the room. It's familiar, but you can't place it. In the corner of your eye something is moving, and you glance to the right noticing for the first time that the sliding glass door is open, the floor length curtains fluttering in the breeze and you knew for a fact that you’d left it closed.

“That’s so cute.” A familiar voice says.

Your entire body goes cold, the warmth you felt with Ben fading almost instantly. Ben's head shoots up from where it was resting on your chest, to stare at something or rather someone behind the two of you.

"You know, it really is every kid's dream that after all these years-" Homelander sighs happily. “ their parent's still love one another."

He was lounging in one of the sitting chairs at the opposite side of the room, his ridiculous cape draped over the back like a train as he watched the two of you in bed.

You can't move, can't breathe.

 He's here. How is he here? How did he find us?

You rack your brain trying to think about what to do, but all you can do is hold on to Ben. It wasn't that you were afraid for yourself, you knew that you could take him down if need be, the exact thing that you'd been considering the entire day, but you mind drifts to Rosemary and Lou upstairs.

 “But I can see why dad loves you so much mom. I mean you are so beautiful and you look really good for your age." His eyes glimmer black in the light and he has the audacity to wink.

Ben’s body immediately pushes yours behind him to block you from view. “What the fuck do you want you sick son of a bitch?” Ben snarls.

“Don’t talk about mom that way.” Homelander grins. But it’s the smile of a shark, pretty until it gets too close. All teeth and gums and things that come in the darkness to swallow you whole.

"How did you find us?" You swallow still thinking of Lou upstairs sleeping comfortably.

"I have you to thank for that mom." Each time he says the word 'mom' you try not to flinch. "I was flying by to see Stan when I watched the two of you 'talk' and when you left I followed you here."

I did this. I'm the reason why he found us. I was too wrapped up in what happened to fucking check if anyone was following me.

"You know the other day when we first met I was angry that you were able to hold me off, but watching you with Stan," Homelander chuckles. "That was inspired. Something special. I didn't realize how powerful you really were. And that tornado the other day- wow."

Another cold chill traces the length of your spine.

How long has he been watching us? Flying around outside of the house, staring through windows, watching from the shadows, marking our every move?

Another thought follows. He knows about Lou.

"I'm so honored to have a mother like you. And Soldier Boy as a father." Homelander's eyes trace over the two of you appreciatively. "It's a dream come true."

There was something haunting about the way he spoke to the two of you, almost as if the child that grew up in a lab was coming out, almost with childlike wonder and awe.

"I can't believe they tried to keep our family apart for so long." Homelander's gaze softens when he stares at the two of you. "That Vogelbaum and Stan Edgar decided that it would be better for me to be out of your lives but here I am after all these years, reunited."

Ben's right arm tightens where it's wrapped around your waist, his hand pressed into you back as he puts himself between you and Homelander. You can feel his skin heating with the force of his rage, hear the way his heart has begun to beat faster as he tries to think of a way out of this.

You weren't going to tell Homelander that he was your son, you thought it would be easier that way, with him not knowing that fact. Thought that it would be easier for you to dispose of him if he didn't call you 'mom' but now? It was harder.

Harder to look at him when you could see the subtle ways he looked like Ben, see the proud nose that reflected your father, smell the hairspray that covered the dark brown he must have had, see the strong jaw, the same one that you'd traced with your fingertips on Ben's face, and see the small freckles under the smudged makeup of Homelander's cheeks, the same ones the Ben and Rosemary had.

"I was angry when I found the files at Vought, when I saw exactly how hard they worked to keep us all apart. But I'm here now-"

"What the fuck do you want?" Ben spits.

Homelander blinks for a moment confused. "Isn't it obvious? I'm here for you. I want to be apart of this family. I see how you are with Lou and Rosemary and I want that. And I can't wait for you to meet your other grandson Ryan. I'm finally going to give him the family he deserves."

"We don't want anything to do with you." Ben's eyes narrow and Homelander frowns.

"I understand." Homelander stands from the chair he's sitting in, and this time Ben rises from the bed. He's shirtless, but with Ben it didn't matter what he was wearing, he could look damn intimidating when he wanted to. "Butcher's told you all about me right?" Homelander tsks. "Little William Butcher. He's always had it out for me-"

"He has a right to." You narrow your eyes and slide out of Bed so that you're standing beside Ben.

Homelander tilts his head to the side as if trying to think about what you're trying to say, but then he laughs. "Oh you're talking about Becca right? Little tease. I'm sure dad here can relate to the idea that some women, just really do ask for it, right?"

Your jaw tightens in repulsion as a wave of nausea comes surging up from the pit of your stomach realizing exactly the type of monster Homelander was. He wasn't a hero, he was a predator, a venus fly trap complete with all the pretty things to draw you in only to swallow you whole and leave no semblance of yourself behind.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Ben spits. "I'm a lot of things, but I'd never do that to a woman, not if she begged me to stop, not if she didn't want it."

Homelander shrugs. "Don't knock it til you try it."

"You're sick." You could feel your eyes shifting to purple, the room beginning to tremble with the force of your anger and disgust.

"No." He holds up a finger. "I'm not. That's just William, making you believe that I'm unhinged."

"Butcher has not made us believe anything. We've seen it." You respond. "I've seen it in the way you look at people, seen it in the way you smile, in the way you fight, seen it in your eyes-"

"You don't know-"

"I do. Something about us Homelander, is that when you've lived as long as we have, we know what a monster looks like."

"I'm not a monster." His smile drops into a frown.

"You are."

"I'm your son-" Homelander sputters.

"You might be our blood, but you're not our son." The words break you to say, but you hold it together. "Look I'm sorry. Sorry that you grew up that way. Sorry that they turned you into this. Sorry that Ben and I weren’t involved in your life, that we couldn’t have prevented the man you became."

"But-" Homelander glances from Ben to you in confusion.

"My father always saw the good in people." You continue, feeling the emotions at war in your chest, the ones that tell you that this man is your son and the ones that tell you this man is a monster. Your eyes skate over him. “But I don’t see any in you. You’re unredeemable. And as much as it hurts us to push you away, because you of all people need a family.   We're going too, because we don’t see any good in you."

Homelander stands there surprised, and you see the façade fall for just a moment, noticing the anger, pain, suffering, sadness, and rage that war within him, each emotion skating across his face in tandem with one another.

"But I found you." Homelander's eyes are misty. "I'm here. I'm your son! I'm your blood." He repeats, his voice breaking in a way that tugs at your heart.

"You might be our blood." Ben repeats watching Homelander. "But you’re not our son. You're just a disappointment."

If you didn't know Ben, you wouldn't understand the weight of those words, but you knew Ben better than anyone, knew how many times that his own father shouted those words at him. You remembered the nights that Ben crawled in through your window after the fights and when he thought you'd fallen asleep you could feel Ben tremble. You hated that his father did that to him and you worked hard to make sure that he didn't hurt as much as he had, just as Ben worked hard to make sure that you didn't remember the things your mother had said and done to you.

Before Homelander can respond, you feel someone else enter the room.

"Aunty y/n? I couldn't sleep. I had a nightmare and I can't find mommy." You hear Lou's voice say and your head turns to the doorway that leads into the basement. Lou is standing there, rubbing her eyes with one hand wearing her matching pink polka dot pajamas. Homelander turns his head to look at the little girl, the red in his eyes fading as he does, a sickening smile beginning to twitch against his lips.

"You must be my niece, Lou." He takes a step towards her and Rosemary appears in the doorway behind her, quickly pushing Lou behind her.

Rosemary does not back down from Homelander's gaze. It wasn't in her nature. She was too much like Ben and like you for her own good.

"And there's sissy." His smile is triumphant as he glances back at you and Ben.

"I'm not your anything." Rosemary's eyes narrow at Homelander.

His frown vanishes again, this time replaced with a snarl. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous this is?" The playful cadence in his voice is gone. "He was gone for forty fucking years and you brought him back into your lives! So what about me?" He shouts so loud you're sure the house is shaking, gesturing at Ben angrily.

"It's different." Your voice is cold.

"How is it different?"

"Because Ben is human." Rosemary answers. "You're not."

You turn to look at her in shock. It was the first time that she'd defended him since he got back, the first time that she had said something remotely kind about Ben to you or in front of him. Ben looks just as stunned as you do.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." Homelander takes another step towards Rosemary, but she doesn't back down. "I am human. More human than you. I see the world for what it really is. I don't follow the rest of the fucking sheep like you-"

"You've been poked, prodded, and told that you were a god every day of your life. Just because we have powers does not mean that we are gods. We bleed, we live, and we die. And maybe somewhere along the way we're lucky to be loved and to love." She snaps. "But you don't. You can't feel love or remorse. You're a fucking monster not a hero. You think you're a hero just because Vought has given you that title. You're nothing more than a little boy chasing after a family you never had and you never deserved. You're not my brother, you're not their son, you're not our family. You're just something that was cut out of my mother, another scar, another manipulation, another science experiment that went wrong, and another way that Vought has ruined her life."

Lou cowers behind her mother, holding tightly to her leg, while Rosemary's hand circles behind her daughter to hold her tighter against her. It was the same thing that Ben was doing to you. You felt genuine fear for the first time in years, fear that you would lose them because of this.

Because Homelander was unhinged, manic, and insane. He might have kept it all hidden under the blonde hair, blue eyes, and the smile, but you saw through it. You'd met supes like him before and you knew that you would meet others in the years to come.

"You got everything didn't you? A loving family? A mother who loved you? A home? You got to be in your child's life. You had everything I didn't have." His voice is eerily calm. "And for what? So you could work at a fucking hospital and degrade yourself, our bloodline, and the fucking power you have to be a slave to other people?!”

Rosemary freezes.

"That's right I know all about you. Know all about all of you. Know about that fucking freak Charlie they inserted into your life, know exactly how much Vought wants Lou. Vought has files upon files about each of you, everything you’ve done, your powers." His eyes flick to the little girl hiding behind her mom. "And yet I'm the disappointment." Homelander's eyes flash back to where Ben and you are standing, something murderous building behind them, before they focus back on Rosemary. "I should have had your life. I'm the one who deserves it! I'm the hero. I'm the one who's more powerful."

You knew that the situation was growing worse by the minute, but with Lou thrown in the mix you weren't sure how this was going to go. You didn’t want her in the line of fire, wished that she had stayed in bed upstairs.

"Mommy I'm scared." You hear Lou whisper as she clutches on to Rosemary tighter.

"Don't be scared Lou." Homelander smiles wide, so wide you can see all his teeth. "This will all be over soon."

The words chill you to the bone, but before you can react, Homelander flies at Rosemary knocking her back through the bathroom wall and away from Lou. Her body crashes through solid tile and bathroom mirror with a resounding crack that echoes through the bedroom.

And just as you leap forward to take him on, Homelander grabs Lou.

There were only a few moments in your life that you’d ever known genuine fear. The day you got the serum, the day that you took the bullet for Ben and you thought you were going to die, and the day that you went into labor. But this was different. Seeing Homelander holding on to Lou wiped away any of those other moments in your life.

Your entire body catches fire with anger and fear. "Put her down." Your voice is unrecognizable, hands clenched into fists. You felt your eyes shift back to a threatening purple, everything in the room trembling under your power, the wood paneling on the wall beginning to peel back and reveal the concrete underneath.

What kind of sick person uses a child as a shield?

Lou squirms in his arms, but Homelander just holds her tighter against him. "Why would I do that?"

"Because if you don't I'm going to-" Ben snarls taking a step towards him. Ben's body has already begun to glow, seeping out from his heart as the force of his anger grows with every passing second.

"You're going to what?" Homelander's smile is sinister. "Because it seems to me that you can't do anything to me without poor little Lou here taking the brunt of it."

Rosemary appears covered in plaster, dust, and with pieces of mirror in her dark hair that catch the light in a way that makes her hair sparkle. "Put her down you narcissistic asshole." She snarls, her eyes turning red.

You figured it was because he had touched her, but deep down you hoped that Rosemary still had apart of your power, so you didn’t have to worry about her dying.

Lou tries to reach for her mom, but Homelander holds her closer to him. Tears have begun to trickle down her little cheeks. "Mommy?” She sobs quietly.

"Shh. It's okay sweetie." Homelander purrs bouncing her in his arms. "I've got you."

"Please put her down." You say it calmly, but you can feel your heart jumping around in your chest, beating against your ribcage. You didn't know how to fix this and didn’t know how to appeal to him, not after you'd spent the past twenty minutes telling him that you wanted nothing to do with him and that he wasn't your son. “We can talk this out. She doesn’t have to be apart of this.”

"Sorry no can do. I’m kind of tired of talking to you and to him.” Homelander gestures to Ben with his free hand, who isn’t glowing anymore.   “You might not want me apart of your family, but I want Lou apart of mine."

"What?" You croak.

"I think she should meet her cousin. And I think that Ryan would do a lot better with another child in his life, especially one that's supposed to be so powerful." Homelander continues rocking Lou back and forth. "But don't worry. I'll make sure that she's taken care of. And I’ll make sure she reaches her full potential.”

His eyes lock on yours and the chill of his words set in.

“Wait what?” Rosemary says.

But you understand too late.

Homelander shoots upward through the ceiling with Lou screaming in his arms as pieces of rubble crash down into the bedroom Ben and you share.

"No!" You scream in horror and rage, and rise up off the ground, but before you can follow behind Homelander, Ben wraps his arms around your waist to hold you down against him, refusing to let you go alone to face Homelander. “Ben let me go I can-“ By now your voice is nothing more than a shrill scream, tears pouring from your eyes as you struggle against his iron grip. “Please let me go! I have to go after him-”

“You’re not going to face him alone!” Ben shouts back holding you tighter.

But he can’t stop Rosemary.

She flashes past you in pursuit, up through the hole in the ceiling that Homelander left behind, and leaving you to sob and beat your fists against Ben’s chest wishing that it had been you instead.

A/N: Alright I had to make the first part just a little bit spicy to feel better about the devastation at the end of this chapter.

And I know another cliffhanger, but I promise there is something coming after this and we are quickly reaching the end of this series. 😊

I also want to let everyone now that I have decided to end this series when we get there without any reach into season 4. I do have some very cute ideas for little fics between this reader and Ben following season 3.

However, I am going to write an alternate ending and when we get to season 5 of The Boys with Soldier Boy back in action, I am going to release it and write for season 5, I think. That’s the plan right now, but who knows? I've also got some great ideas for other series I might want to start eventually.

Also anyone getting Syndrome vibes or is it just me? It was not intentional 😂

As always thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to the taglist please let me know :)

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[scarareg]

From 0 to 10, which grades would you give to PJO ships?

Hi anon! This is such a fun question! Thanks for sending it! I tried to choose the most popular ships because there are so many variations of them, but if you are curious about a specific one that I didn't mention, feel free to ask!

Percabeth (Percy x Annabeth)

3/10 I give it a 3 only because in PJO they are cute but in HOO they are full of red flags and I hate what Rick did with them. I feel like their goals for the future do not align at all, and it is as if they together because that is what they are used to and not because they are in love. It seems like Percy is always trying to accommodate to what Annabeth wants and I think in the long run that would make him miserable, and those feeling will make worst a relationship that is already fragile.

In the future he is going to resent her so bad, because we already see that he doesn't feel comfortable joking/talking about some topics because Annabeth gets mad, now add him feeling like he has to follow everything she says or do just to be "the perfect boyfriend". It is a recipe for disaster

AnnieLuke (Annabeth x Luke)

1/10 this one is complicated. The thing is that I understand the appeal of a childhood besfrieds to lovers, I love those, BUT Luke never saw Annabeth as anything but a little sister. That + the fact that their relationship became toxic, it just make me uncomfortable. Sorry Annie, but this one is not the one, at least in my opinion (and in Luke's lmao)

Perluke (Percy x Luke)

4/10 I see you fans of friends to enemies to lovers or friends to lovers to enemies, I get it, but to me this one lacks that je ne sais quoi to make it appealing. But I can understand why some people like it. And I am part of the team "Percy had a crush on Luke yet he was the last to know"

Percico (Percy x Nico)

10/10 they are my OTP. I like how they complement each other. They have the history, the angst, the complexity. I like the dynamic of two characters who went through a lot, but deal with trauma in opposite ways.

They are ride or die for each other, but they keep that information a secret from each other, which makes their relationship really fun.

Most importantly Nico thinks Percy is cool AF and he adores him just the way he is. Percy is one of the few people who tried to get close to Nico and to understand him.

Their empathetic nature would make this relationship super sweet, tender and calm. For example, if one of them need to rest or are stressed out, they can go to the other and they will know if they need to talk or just want to nap.

Bonus points because their relationship with each other's parents would make their relationship even more interesting and fun!

Perachel (Percy x Rachel)

9/10 love this one! My second fave Percy ship! This is Percy's loss, to be honest. Their chemistry is super natural and they are always having fun! Rachel seems like a low-maintenance partner, so being with her must be pretty easy. She would not make drama if Percy can't be there with her for some time because he has to save the world or whatever. I think he can chill with her, and just like with Nico, Percy just being Percy is enough

Valgrace (Leo x Jason)

9/10 What I like about them is that both are insecure about themselves but always see the best in each other. Jason is Leo's hype man and Leo is always thinking about how impressive Jason is. Where Leo is chaotic, Jason is calm. Where Jason is anxious, Leo is chill. They just screams healthy couple

Jiper (Jason x Piper)

2/10 the problem here is how the relationship started. Both of them are really kind to each other, but their romance is based on a lie, which neither of them is to blame for, but it just feels wrong. To me, after knowing how their relationship started, Piper seems to like Jason enough to stay a couple, and Jason was too kind and just rolled with it, and that is not good reason to stay with someone in my opinion.

Liper (Leo x Piper)

9/10 shout out to @maygirlsposts to make me see the light with this one! Before, it never crossed my mind they could be a couple, but gosh! They are so cute together!

Piper and Leo genuinely have a connection, they share sense of humor, they have been through difficult stuff together and are empathetic towards the other's problems. They have a healthy balance between being chaotic when they are chilling, and having the ability to have honest conversations when necessary. They are overall wholesome AF!

Extra points for being the healthy version of Hephaestus x Aphrodite

Jasico (Jason x Nico)

10/10 this one is not my ship,only because I prefer them as besties, but I see the vision of their shippers; and I give them a 10 because they are probably the healthiest ship Nico has, to be honest.

Jason is always so patient with Nico, and sincere yet kind. Is great to see Nico feeling at ease with him. Jason has the stability Nico needs in a relationship.

Both bring the best of each other, and push the other to do and be the best they can be!

Jeyna (Jason x Reyna)

8/10 oh what could have been! The tragedy of the lost potential! They were too powerful together and Rick couldn't handle that.

They have history together and understand each other deeply. They are both strong mentally and physically, so they could be the standard of a demigod couple. They are both healthy people on their own, so their relationship would naturally be nice.

Their love story could have been so interesting, like: separated by war and the gods, reunited by fate!

To tell you a secret, I see them as Nico's unofficial parents/older siblings. Basically, they both adopted him separately, protect him, and genuinely care about him. They would have been one hell of parents lmao

Jercy (Jason x Percy)

6/10 this one is fun! Again it is not my ship, but I like their dynamic. They give "Two bros,chilling in the hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay" energy

Frazel (Frank x Hazel)

9/10 this is the only canon ship I like! Frank is super sweet and Hazel is always so kind, both are just wholesome AF! Like two teddy bears! I like that they started out as friends and both were seen as the "weird kids", that makes me think their bond is just genuine!

Lazel (Leo x Hazel)

5/10 they are cute, I just prefer them as friends. And not gonna lie, the fact that Hazel's ex is Leo's grandpa makes them kinda weird to me as a couple.

As friends will give them a 8/10, they need more time to get closer, but they already are super fun!

Fraleo (Frank x Leo)

6/10 They are funny! Like wholesome-awkward meets wholesome-chaotic. They just make me laugh because of how cute they would be, completely adorable! Too pure for this world!

I like this, but personally I like my ships with more angst, so I prefer them as friends. But you guys, their shippers, you must be the cutest, most wholesome people out there!

Leo x Frank x Hazel

7/10 I see the vision, but as you can see, I like Leo being their bestie instead of in a romance. But I understand! What's better than a love triangle? An OT3!

Pipabeth (Piper x Annabeth)

8/10 I like them a lot! This is the ship I like for Annabeth. In general I think Annabeth seems more comfortable with women. It feels like Rick wrote her as a lesbian-who-doesn't-know-she-is-one, but did so whithout realizing. Her chemistry with Piper (and with Reyna) just comes naturally and she looks like she is having fun!

Piper's fun personality complements Annabeth's logical one. Piper is all feelings, Annabeth is all brains, love that!

Also, just imagine their mothers' reactions when they find out they are dating!

Pipercy (Piper x Percy)

5/10 this is fun! But it needs that something else to make it super appealing to me, you know. Both are crack heads so they would be hilarious and a menace together! I can see the appeal! For me, I just prefer them as besties, like "Prepare for trouble! And make it double!"

Solangelo (Nico x Will)

3/10 in canon, 10/10 in fanon

First of all, can we talk about how fucking ethereal their ship name is? The ship name gets an ∞/10!

Now, the ship. I will start saying that I LOVE ships that are opposites attracts, but sadly this ship is a bit like Percabeth, but better. Let me explain. The concept is there, but at the moment of writing their romance, Rick kinda sucks. Genuinely think fic writers do a better job writing them.

For starters I have a problem with Nico being outed by Cupid. And I do not like at all that he doesn't have time to process that trauma, neither his crush on Percy and the heartbreak that comes after his rejection. Will is shoehorned into the narrative because "Nico needs a boyfriend" and Will is the only character available. He was a glorified extra.

This takes me to that I feel Rick thinks a relationship will solve all of your problems. I firmly believe that Nico needed time alone to recover from all of his trauma, which is a lot. But Rick's solution for this kind of stuff is "get a partner!". (Leo and Piper also suffered of this)

Is like: "Did you live through World War II? Your mom died and you were immediately stuck in an hotel for maybe one or two months? When you finally got out, were you in another century? Your sister died one week later? Years passed and you lived on your own for a while and felt scared and isolated from everyone you knew? Did you fight another war? Went to Tartarus and came back and then get kidnapped? You almost died, again? Had to fight again? Don't worry, having a boyfriend will solve all your problems!"

And I HATE IT! This is not Will's fault, it's Rick's. So I feel bad for not loving Solangelo in canon, but I really think Nico needs time for himself, he will have time for boyfriends in the future after he gets in a better head space.

Conclusion Will and Nico deserve better writers.

Once again thanks Anon! Would love to know what you think about this!

[fwckriley]

I've read lots of fanfics and headcanons about Ghost with partners who are usually kind, pure, like a angel, all flowers and butterflies and stuff etc. I get it, but no offense, and looking at it from another perspective, when you think about people who have experienced childhood trauma, they tend to repeat certain patterns. I'm not saying that every person with a traumatic past will have a toxic relationship.

But, you see: I personally believe that Ghost would never give a chance to someone he deems "perfect," innocent, pure, because that's completely opposite to how he sees himself. How could he be in a relationship with someone so different from him? How could he be understood by someone who doesn't have a certain darkness within? I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but I think a part of him would never fully reveal itself out of fear of being judged. On the other hand, I believe he would also seek out people who, in some way, are unattainable, to reaffirm that little voice inside him saying he doesn't deserve to be loved. Of course, none of this is really true, but that's how the mind of someone with many traumas tends to work.

I think he would avoid relationships and commitments for a long time, and wouldn't be able to choose someone outside of his field of work. "Normal" people could never understand the things he does, they could try, but never fully comprehend. In my opinion, he would fall in love, without realizing it, with someone from his field of work, probably a teammate with whom he shared many experiences. Someone with whom he has a deep connection. And, as I mentioned at the beginning, I believe he would unconsciously seek out more complex people. I see him attracted to people with a similar outlook on life, who are tougher and more realistic. Who share a darker sense of humor. Who have also experienced some kind of trauma in the past, so they can understand how he feels. I imagine him in a relationship with someone who has these characteristics, and unlike him, is ambiverted or extroverted. Someone who challenges him, calls him out when he's wrong, or is determined. Someone honest, but not rude. Someone funny, smart, creative. Someone with a thirst for adventure and a spark, to contrast with some parts of him.

But honestly, I can't picture him with someone he deems pure and perfect. He doesn't feel worthy or even attracted to that. He tends to surround himself with people who are similar to him because that's where he feels comfortable. Just to clarify, it doesn't necessarily mean that this partner in question would be a bad or toxic person, but simply someone similar to him. I believe Price is the best example of that, who is good but not innocent, not entirely right.

In the end, I think the relationship with the chosen person would be a challenging but functional one. Not toxic, not abusive or destructive, just difficult. Traumatized people are human and fully capable of relating to each other, but it takes patience and determination, and a lot of work. I think that over time, they would improve greatly. Because Ghost's biggest fear is one-sidedness. He needs to know that he is protecting and helping, but he also needs to feel protected and helped.

[m1ssunderstanding]

I love how you are always bashing Jim lol bc I think the general public and fandom doesn't know that much about this part of Paul that is so essential to explain what he is like he is aksjks (ik it's because Paul himself doesn't like to talk about this). Also his struggling for money is so relatable like I get young Paul so bad, thanks for ur posts I learned this about him, keep doing the good job dear<3

lmao the thing is I agree with you. Like I get that I'm annoying and obsessive and some people are probably like "we knoooowww!" But most of the fandom doesn't, and definitely the general public does not know. Yes, this is partly because Paul compulsively does whatever the opposite of trauma dumping is. Trauma hoarding? Which even that behavior is in itself rooted in the abuse. It's also partly because Paul's messy childhood just does not fit into the typical narrative, and people's brains don't like it, so they ignore or justify it. People, especially boomers, really like "tortured soul Lennon" and "vapid popstar McCartney". But the reality is "be as loud as you can to get your needs met John Lennon" and "be as pleasant as you can to be safe Paul Mccartney". So it's really important to me that the next generation of Beatles fans knows the story and tells it correctly.

You and me are the saaaame! I actually think just like we need more women writing about the Beatles, and more queer perspectives on the Beatles, etc. we definitely need more working-class people who can look at this stuff with an understanding of the impact "not having" can have on a person. With Paul it literally seeps into so much of him that to someone who doesn't get it doesn't look like it has anything to do with money. But it absolutely does! And the thing is, a lot of them don't even get the most obvious things. Like "Paul is a tight-wad" or "Paul is a workaholic" to them are just flat statements with nothing to look at underneath them at all. And if they can't even think critically about those things, they're nowhere near understanding the complexities of things like how big a deal it is when someone like Paul is able to decide "no, fuck the critics, I'm going to make songs people like." Or how his life experiences might have made him either racist or anti racist and the conscious choice he must've made. You know. On and on.

Anyway! Lol you send me an ask on my favorite topics and I'm going to go on a bit. Akom recently said we should all write books and definitely if I was going to -- not that I have time -- it would be on one of these things. The Beatles and attachment theory or The Beatles and class. But yeah, I seriously appreciate this ask, it's very fun to hear from a like-minded person!

[pixie05love]

Wow, okay, after reading chap 285 and this post, I think I have a new and more positive perspective of the Kaisagi team up and Isagi's development.

(Please read the post I've linked. It was very insightful, and it helped me a lot to get to this conclusion. Also *points a gun to your temple* Go follow @mvrdermeharder She's the best, ty)

Now, from that post, I agree a lot on the positive impact the kaisagi team up had on Kaiser.

Back in chap 279, it was revealed that Noa was using Isagi and agreed to join the NEL only to evolve Kaiser, so he'd have someone who'd boost him higher to help him beat his current opponent, Loki:

Look at Kaiser's expression when Noa agrees to all of his questions and realises that Noa was using him to his own benefits:

Mild disappointment and acceptance are written all over his face. He had just witnessed how his mentor admitted using him (just like with Isagi) for his personal benefits and... he could do nothing about it. Kaiser had been used by Noa, and he could only accept it.

Now It is not like Kaiser liked or cared about Noa in a way but, someone like him, who was privated of his childhood, who had gone through abuse and has to experience and see how all these events still have an effect on him (remember the scene where he chocked himself as a trauma response) must have been extremely frustrating for him to know that, even now, he still doesn't have full control of his life, not even in soccer.

The thing is, Kaiser is not alone here. Isagi was also "betrayed" by Noa. It wasn't in the same level of traumatic as Kaiser because Isagi does not have a troubled past like him. But, hey, a betray is a betray. Isagi wants to win just like Kaiser, and Isagi doesn't have to go through Kaiser's past to understand what he must have felt after hearing Noa's words.

Isagi was used by his idol and mentor, the same person who inspired him to play soccer, so it had to have some level of effect on his psyche, too. Just look at his expressions when he talks to him. He was definitely hurt by Noa's words:

What Isagi feels here is not only frustration for being used by his mentor and idol but frustration for being used by a "genius"

This arc is about geniuses vs non geniuses, and Isagi felt hopeless against Noa because he saw how geniuses were toying with non geniuses to "take the spotlight from them."

Loki, Noa, Rin, they are all praised by everyone, outshining non geniuses who are the ones who have more complex plans but need the support of others to make them happen.

Geniuses are also non logical, so you cannot explain or understand why they did x or y, whereas non geniuses' strategies, once they are figured out by geniuses, have little to no chances against them because physically, geniuses tend to be way better than them (it's in their genes, dude. We've all met someone who is very good at something without trying)

It's frustrating when every effort you make is completely futile against the natural advantages of talented players.

So it's here when Isagi and Kaiser connect:

Yes, Isagi teams up with Kaiser because he wants to win but he is only able to have Kaiser agree to do so because they both share the same objectives:

Surpassing Noa and Rin, two geniuses that are both the wall Isagi and Kaiser have to overcome in order to discard their previous egos (what I believe Isagi calls "personal feelings") and create a new ego that not only will redefine this match but the current perception soccer has of non geniuses.

And also proving that non geniuses can win against geniuses by themselves [This one is more on Isagi's side since it doesn't seem like Kaiser is interested in proving such thing]:

Isagi, ironically, is being "considered" of Kaiser's feelings/situation here. This is why I don't think he discarded his empathy. That's his best weapon after all. He knows using Kaiser for his own goal won't make him cooperate because Isagi already knows what it feels to be used as a tool, so he won't do the same thing again with Kaiser.

This explains why Isagi let luck decide who scores the last goal. If is Isagi who scores, it won't be because he used Kaiser, It was luck who chose him. The same goes for Kaiser. None of them will use the other one. They'll cooperate to get both what they want -> It's a mutual agreement where both recognise each other as an individual with an ego to fulfil:

They are "healing" together from Noa's betrayal while also fulfilling what their egos desire without using each other as a tool.

That is, if you ask me, very considerated and empathetic of Isagi (for Kaiser, since Isagi is the first person to take in consideration his feelings and not only use him for his skills), but also very egotistic of him for doing all that to achieve his desire of winning.

So I don't think Isagi stopped being empathetic (maybe I just don't want to believe so idk), because that's what differentiates him from the rest -> His capability of making someone work with him, of changing fate by using his understanding of his surroundings and the opponents/teammates' mental state to his own benefit (while still taking them in consideration so he makes them work according to his plan).

I believe that's what Isagi meant by "becoming a machine" and "leaving his personal feelings aside" to focus even more on the rest so he has control over them.

It's like a symbiotic relationship between being empathetic and being egotistic/?

His weapon is his empathy which he pushes to its limits thanks to his ego, and it's what will lead him to achieve what said ego desires (winning for the sake of winning).

.

.

.

or at least that's how I understood it lol

[arany-studio]

Are Kanej asexuals?

While we celebrate LGBTQIA+ Pride in the Grishaverse, let's discuss a matter that is not always well understood, but often spoken about in the fandom - are Kanej asexuals?

Trigger warning for talk of sexuality, trauma, PTSD and past sexual abuse.

According to asexuals.fandom.com, the asexuality spectrum is an umbrella term that applies to people who feel little to no sexual attraction and includes such micro labels as asexual, aroace, graysexual, demisexual, aegosexual, apothisexual, fraysexual, aceflux, cupiosexual, orchidsexual or caedosexual. A-spec is a term that can include all of the above.

A little known fact about asexuality is that it is different from libido (or sexual desire). Asexuality is a sexual orientation that relates to attraction, but asexuals can have either high or low libido, which is not directed at anyone in particular. Also, asexuals can have sex for many reasons that are not related to sexual attraction, such as to please their partners, to relax or for pleasure and they are no less asexuals, but it's also important to mention that the majority of people that identify as a-spec do not include sex in their lives.

Asexuality is a spectrum and the opposite of allosexuality, which refers to people who often experience sexual attraction.

An often unknown label under the asexual umbrella is caedosexual.  This includes people who once identified as allosexual, but later on identified on the asexual spectrum because of trauma. It was feared that inclusion of this flag under asexuality would further feed the prejudice that all asexuals are like this because of  trauma, but this has been disproven. Only caedosexuals are so because of trauma, not the other a-specs.

Now let's see what we know about Kanej. Both Kaz and Inej have gone through horrific experiences in their childhood and puberty respectively, and their resulting traumas are affecting how they engage with their sexualities in their teen years. Their desire to heal fluctuates. Sometimes Kaz thinks that Inej could never be truly his and Inej thinks that they might be better off with their armors intact and at other times Inej appreciates that they have tried to be close and wishes they could try again and Kaz fights his demons in order to hold her hand. Fact is, the caedosexuals I have spoken to have said that Kaz and Inej can choose to work towards separating their traumas from their sexualities in the future, or they can choose not to and they are valid either way. So what could be safely said is that Kanej are likely caedosexuals in SoC + CK timeline, although that could change in the future.

But the discussion of whether Kaz and Inej fall under the asexual spectrum is more complex than that and in the fandom you can often find fans arguing either that they provide much needed representation to asexuals or on the contrary, that they are very eager to heal and have an intimate relationship. But let's not forget that libido is different from attraction and there are many asexuals with high libido, so the question here is what type of attraction do Kaz and Inej experience?

The media that we consume is largely amatonormative, meaning that it assumes that all humans pursue love of a romantic and sexual nature, but a less known fact is that attraction can take many more forms than we were led to believe by such media. Attraction is sexual when a person wants to have sex with another, romantic when they desire to engage in romantic activities, aesthetic when they think someone is beautiful, sensual when they desire non-sexual physical closeness (such as nonromantic cuddles and kisses), platonic when they want to be friends with someone or queerplatonic (alterous) when someone desires a committed relationship with a partner that is in between platonic and romantic in nature. Other types of attraction are familial, emotional, intellectual or spiritual. 

For example, it is quite clear that Inej doesn't feel spiritual attraction towards Kaz's lack of faith in saints, but she does feel intellectual attraction towards his brilliant mind. And though Kaz might cover his feelings under "economic" attraction (joking), the question here is under what type of attraction do Kaz's and Inej's feelings for each other fall under. Fact is, if allosexuals view Kaz and Inej through their lense they can easily think that they feel sexual and romantic attraction for each other, but if asexuals view them from their lense instead, what Kanej feel might very well be queerplatonic, sensual or aesthetic attraction that for one or both of them isn't sexual or romantic in nature. For example some people view Kaz's interest in Imogen as a challenge and his desire to have an intimate connection with Inej as wanting to please her and they argue that Kaz has been "content" on his own for so long, plotting his revenge and Barrel dominion, that he might well be asexual or demisexual. Many other people view Inej's famous line "I'll have you without armor" to be related to trust solely, whereas others view it as being both about intimacy and trust. And let's not forget the many voices that appreciate Kanej for showing how people can love each other deeply even when they don't have sex. The truth is that we don't know for sure where Kanej fall on the spectrum of attraction, the text is beautifully vague in that regard, but the many varied interpretations about Kanej show that what meets the eye is not always a person's inner experience.

To sum up, the one thing that is almost certain about Kaz and Inej is that in book time, their traumas influence their experience of sexuality, likely setting them under the a-spec umbrella as caedosexuals. This may or may not change in the future, depending on their desire and capacity to heal, but Kanej are valid either way. As regards to how Kanej might identify were they to heal from their traumas, many interpretations about the way they feel attraction or lack of it are possible, setting them as either allosexual, demisexual or asexual. The beauty of book Kanej is that they are written in such a subtle way that they provide representation to a wide range of people and that's why we love them so much!

[torgawl]

all this time i had headcanoned that neuvi kept an eye on younger wrio with the intention to take care of him and you're telling me it's true? sobbing.

i can't stop thinking about how it probably hurt neuvi so much to issue that sentence to someone so young and so hurt. even furina left the trial and was unable to keep her act. how gut-wrenching it must have been, especially with wrio admitting his crime and accepting punishment so easily. that ammount of resignation in, basically, a kid... it can only come from a place of so much pain. the chance to rewrite his own story and making the fortress his home truly meant so much to wrio. but i also think for someone like neuvillette, who is characterised for his immense love and compassion towards others, it must have been cause for great turmoil to know what was to come, and that the sentence he was issuing was just an extension of that kid's already hard life. the ammount of guilt in his heart versus the impartiality required of him as a tool of justice; in a way, a reiteration of the question that has haunted him throughout his long journey as fontaine's iudex: "is this what justice means to you? answer me, neuvillette!".

no wonder wrio is so fond of the melusines, too. we already knew from his own character story that they were the ones helping him when he spent time in the streets, but to know he wouldn't have made it without that help... of course he cherishes them so much, of course he holds sigewinne in such good esteem - who was likely the closest to a familiar embrace during those harsh days. i find it rather wholesome that wrio doesn't know it was neuvi's doing, too. neuvi was almost his guardian angel, and i'm sure the melusines were also happy to finally be able to do something for a human in need.

i had always wondered if neuvillete's help with giving wriothesley his duke title came from a place of wanting to fix what felt wrong so long ago during that trial because it felt deliberate, like the good deed of someone who intentionally kept an eye for the other and was proud of their journey. having sigewinne confirm neuvi's concern and curiosity with wrio's experience in the fortress is very dear to me. it reminds me of how genuinely happy neuvillette was when he noticed wrio's vision the day he gave wriothesley his title, like a silent aknowledgement of how far wrio had come and the good man he had become. you cannot tell me neuvi wasn't filled with pride seeing that former small hurt kid become someone so genuinely good-hearted, doing something as great as reforming meropide. maybe even relief, seeing things had turned out well for him despite his disturbing past and neuvi's own hand in his fate, in such a heartbreaking way.

their relationship has always been so intriguing to me because there's so many layers of complex feelings throughout their timeline. i find that most people ignore neuvi's struggles with his own 'humanity' and the constant theme of heart versus judgement, and how it likely played a role in his interest in wrio as well as their later nurtured friendship. but i also find wrio's reluctance in accepting neuvi's concern for him quite telling. he's reserved and we don't really get any insight besides what he tells sigewinne and his almost dismissive response, but i am so sure he feels grateful for neuvillette's unconditional support. neuvillette almost filled the empty place wrio's family left behind. not in a literal way, but how he kept an eye out for wrio is akin to how he keeps an eye out for the melusines. and can we talk about how neuvi was likely the first 'human' (in his own perception at the time) or older adult to be consistent in his life? i cannot imagine the weight such 'simple' things like consistency and unconditional love - and i mean this in an all-encompassing way - have for someone with the family-related trauma wriothesley has. wriothesley says it himself, his childhood has left permanent wounds in him, one of which is not being able to trust others. but to be able to find such reliability in someone else, that may also be healing to his inner child. they're very dear to me!!

[rottenpumpkin13]

I used to see Sephiroth and think “damn he’s the Marilyn Monroe of video games and anime,” but after delving into his backstory and seeing Crisis Core/Reunion and Ever Crisis I just feel sad.

I mean when you think about it he really had no one. He only knew Glenn, Matt, and Lucia for that one mission but he never forgot about them, despite all of them leaving him behind. Then Angeal and Genesis who- I’m sorry, I know this is also an unpopular opinion- also treated him like crap. To me it always seemed like Genesis didn’t really care about Sephiroth at all. We’ve never seen him being nice to him, even prior to degrading. During that one spar we saw of them three Genesis really seemed like he was going for the throat and like he was letting his rage and jealousy take over, and Angeal had to break them up. At first I used to think that at least Angeal was a decent friend to Sephiroth, but the more I think about it the more it seemed like he was on Genesis’ side because he was his childhood friend and simply acted as a peacekeeper between them three than anything else. Sephiroth didn’t hesitate to offer his blood/cells when Genesis needed it and Angeal even commented on how Sephiroth had lost weight when he sees him the last time, probably from stress and depression.

So not only did he never have friends who cared about him and who he always cared more for than they cared for him, he was also raised in a lab his entire childhood by a psycho who’s his biological father (he didn’t know about that part but it’s still horribly messed up.) And even with all of that he still grew up to be a good person- before all the trauma drove him crazy. He still wanted to genuinely help and save people, and he got attached so quickly. Even with every reason to be horrible he wasn’t, until the whole dam of emotions and mistreatment broke.

Sorry for the long post. I was just looking back at the Seph lore and started feeling really sad 😕

Sephiroth is a very tragic character, and he was failed by every adult in his life from the very beginning, first by his parents—one being an unethical twat and the other being his mother, someone who he would later come to really yearn for and had no idea she was part of the reason why his life was the way it was. He was Shinra's lap dog from birth to Nibelheim, and the only respite he had from it all were his friendships—and he was an extremely loyal friend to everyone. He was loyal even to SOLDIER despite the program being part of the problem.

It appears Glenn, Matt and Lucia were his first friends who really taught him what it was like to care for other people. The thing is: the FS trio were as much of Shinra's pawns as Sephiroth—albeit to a lesser extend because Seph was their golden boy. And so were Genesis and Angeal. They were victims of the Jenova Project too, and had every right to be angry, and Genesis' actions are more understandable (not excusable) once you take into account how the degradation likely preyed on his mental state. Genesis and Angeal are complex characters, but unfortunately we don't have as much narrative context and content for them as we have for Sephiroth, which ultimately makes Sephiroth easier to sympathize with despite what he goes on to become later. He's an incredibly tragic character who everyone rightfully adores, also because of who he was as character Pre-Nibelheim, before he understandably lost his mind. It's a damn shame so many people disregard the compilation, because there's so much of Seph's backstory to be explored that adds even more depth to his character.

I think Genesis and Angeal were good friends to Sephiroth, but you have to understand that they were both degrading while Sephiroth was (physically) fine. So of course they latched onto each other and left Sephiroth behind, especially if they thought Sephiroth wouldn't understand their desertion and wouldn't abandon Shinra to come with them. I don't think they were bad friends, but they—Genesis especially—underestimated how good of a friend he was to them. I hope chapter 2 of FS can show Sephiroth and Angeal's (fingers crossed Genesis too) friendship before the crisis ever started. Only then will we know what their dynamic was like.

[stacygetsit]

What we understand 🩷🩷🩷

In good old calm theory anon fashion I have a topic I would love to discuss with y'all. The internet correct can be used as a tool to communicate and learn about a wide range of topics. But can we also be hurting ourselves? It has been said that we are our own worst enemy. When you post on social media you normally do it with a purpose correct? You want to share with your family and friends the joys of your life. Or you want to stand up and say look everyone at this injustice that's being done to highlight an issue that you're seeing. For every post that is on your social media account there reasons for it being there. But how are others receiving those pictures? So we know as a human that we are a mixed of the world we live in. Meaning I can only understand something along the means of what I have been through or witnessed. An example if Mary post a picture of a beach. You might look at that picture and think that looks like a great vacation due to some great vacation you went on but I myself would see oh that's home. See I spent my childhood every summer at the beach. So when I see any beach a smile comes across my face and I just feel a sense of being content. So one photo and two possible reactions. And that's just a beach photo. Imagine all the relationship trauma we have all been through. We all have responses to what we are seeing and those responses are shape by our past. So let's say I have had a series of bad exes is it possible when I see photos of Luke. I'm drawing conclusions to a video that just simply aren't there. Yes I might be. Do I consciously understand that I'm judging Luke based on my experiences with men? Not necessarily. Does it make it right? Nope As I have said in the past we are only seeing seconds of a moment of Luke or Nic life. So have we built up stories that simply might not be true? Yes of course. I have said for a while now that we as a fandom have given these side characters a title. It's so easy to take their lives and try to understand what we are seeing from our limited knowledge. So yes we are our own worst enemies. We are taking our experience with the opposite sex and trying to understand what we are seeing. We looked at Nic photo of hand holding with JD and some of the fans ASSUMED that they are a couple. How do we know she wasn't scared because she seen the paps and he grabbed her hand to help her? How do we know she sees him as a romantic partner? All we know is that we wouldn't hold hands with a man that we aren't dating. Who is to say that Nicola wouldn't? Opinions change all the time. Circumstances change all the time. We don't know them. We seen a moment of their time. No before pictures were shown. We don't know them personally. We can only go based on our knowledge level. We know she a touchy person she said herself she is. So why are we taking photos and assuming we know the details on them? Talking about Luke honestly hurts my heart. All summer people tore him apart. Calling him all sorts of names assuming we understood something as complex as why type of relationship he had with the girl. We wrote his story then took the time to tear him down. He went offline and that's on the fandom. We all seen it happen and for those that didn't engage it that dumb shit. Good for you applaud yourself that you didn't assume someone else life. We can theorize and assume but we need to understand that we don't actually know what's going on. A lot of us on these blogs understand it's just our opinions but if you're following a page and they are stating things as a fact. Then ask yourself is this page causing me to unnecessarily panic? When Luke and Nic want to come clean they will. That's when I THINK the other side will be shocked. We as Lukola will be happy but they wont be. *** I wanted to add the difference between the fandom's is that Lukola have months of footage that we have based our opinions on. The other side has a couple of instances.

[bwat5-blog]

Father Of Madness: A Clear Look At Silco And Jinx

**Spoilers for all of arcane**

Silco is one of the best villains I’ve ever seen on screen. His complexity is endless. A ruthless murderer, a doting father, a criminal kingpin, a revolutionary…

Silco understandably appeals to many of us in the fandom for a variety of reasons. And if he is your favorite character, I have not come here to judge or look down on you... There is a lot of negative discourse regarding people who enjoy his character and that’s not at all my purpose. There is much that can be discussed regarding this man, his relationship with Vander, how much good he has or has not done for the lanes, and more. I will be focusing on his relationship with and impact on Jinx. As we dive in, there are two truths that we must accept:

1. Silco loves Jinx as his daughter fully and completely, and never intentionally harms her

2. Silco’s broken and warped psyche has twisted his love for Jinx into a cycle of violence and self-loathing that almost destroys her

Prior To Season 1: What To Know About Silco

1. Best Friend/ Brother to Vander in his youth

2. Worked with Vander on the idea of "The Nation Of Zaun"

3. Close to Felicia, Vi and Jinx's mom: Vowed to build a safer Zaun for the unborn Vi at that time

4. Parted ways with Vander after massacre on The Bridge Of Progress-- After Silco's actions (his actual culpability is never confirmed) lead to an incident on the bridge becoming a massacre, Felicia and Connol are killed, and Vander almost kills Silco leaving him disfigured in one eye. It seems like the fight between them is a different incident? Hard to say. Like maybe they met afterwards.

5. Vanished for years, amassing followers and resources, reinvents himself out of response to trauma

The Bridge Of Progress Massacre:

I have been unable to find a firm answer regarding how this incident began. Some say it was an uprising, some say it was simply a peaceful march. My assumption, is that it a peaceful event lead by Silco that was exacerbated in someway by the Enforcers, eventually leading to violence. My reasoning is as follows:

1. While we of course don't spend enough time with Felicia and Connol to say this with confidence, I don't think children as young as Vi and Powder would have been there if the plan was violence to begin with.

2. Despite his conflict with Silco over his actions in the present day, Vander is unflinchingly apologetic to Silco regarding what he did. That would not have been the case if he genuinely believed Silco to have been at fault for what occurred.

The aftermath of this incident is the birth of Silco's new self. He lost someone he was extremely close to in Felicia, his dream of Zaun has failed for at least the time being, and the man he loved as a brother tried to end his life leaving him maimed and abandoned. This is period of immense psychological trauma gives rise to his new belief in strength over all else.

1. "Real power... comes to those who will do anything to achieve it"

2. "It's a little crude I'll admit, the base violence necessary for change... but we both know, topside won't listen to anything else"

3. "The only way to defeat a superior enemy is to stop at nothing... to become what they fear"

This all ties in with his relationship with Vander, which is hugely important but not my focus tonight. What does matter, is that Silco's revenge against his former brother by taking him, is what sets off the chain of events that will impact almost every part of this story. Including my purpose here this evening. Meeting Powder.

What To Know About Powder Before They Meet:

In terms of what we need to understand about Powder, there are two primary issues to draw attention to

1. First and foremost is quite simply the loss she has already been through. She lost her birth parents. She has spent her early childhood in the lanes only a step away from danger. And when he finds her, she is attempting to grapple with the emotional overload of having killed her second family, and believing she has been abandoned (and has been hit) by Vi.

2. Her intense fear of abandonment, and the link to her feelings of insecurity. We see quickly that she is constantly picked on and teased by her male siblings, her worth as part of their team questioned. This all culminates in her being left behind during Vander's rescue. Vi was extremely gentle and kind with her in telling her to stay behind, but she did tell her she was not ready. And we later see Powder alone, having a panic attack and preparing to smash the symbol of her insecurity or inability to contribute, her monkey bomb.

*** As I always make sure to mention when talking about this wonderful character, I am not a mental health professional in any way. However research as a fan and reading people's thoughts online have suggested the two disorders below as conditions Powder may be suffering from in this early stage of her life for those interested***

The End Of Powder:

Silco has taken his revenge on Vander leaving he, Mylo and Clagger dead, and as we will come to know he believes Vi is dead as well... The same Vi he once made an promise to fight for to her mother... his friend. He stalks down the alley to a sobbing Powder, who is grappling with her bomb killing her family, and her beloved older sister having left her behind after striking her and calling her a jinx.

And even when he approaches Powder, he is clearly still carrying a knife slick with the blood of Vander. Now like anything we don't see go a certain way, speculation is required. Was he going to kill her? I think so. He had shown no hesitation at all in killing thus far. Which begs the question, why did he take Powder instead?:

1. He sees himself in her, she was "abandoned" by a "sibling", has no family, and is full of rage and pain

2. Remorse over Vander. the GIF is too short to get a good look, but re-watching the scene shows us him staring at the mutated body of his former best friend and comrade in arms, emotion clear on his face

3. She looks like Felicia and although he had clearly dishonored his oath to her, I imagine in this moment he can see his departed friend in this little girl

4. Quite simply it could be that there is enough good in him left that he couldn't bring himself to end a child's life who was clinging to him and grieving.

The last we see of them, Silco wraps her in a protective embrace, claiming her as is own.

"Its okay... we'll show them. We will show them all"

The Rise Of Jinx:

Seven years have passed and we find that Powder has indeed grown up. She now goes by the name Jinx, and has become a ferocious warrior with a reputation in her own right as someone to be feared. But we also quite quickly learn as the rest of season one progresses, that she has never healed from her trauma and pain. The specters of those she lost haunt her, she hears their voices, and although outwardly she has become strong and dangerous, inside her head remains the shadow of a guilt stricken young girl who only wanted to help.

Let me be clear, I am in no way suggesting that Silco does not love Jinx. I firmly believe he has come to love her as a daughter. The issue, is that Silco himself is a broken and traumatized man. And the way in which he loves her, and has raised her regarding processing and healing from what she has been through, has only strained her already fractured mind. He took that child in his arms and spoke to her of revenge and justice. Instead of safety, and healing.

Driven By Fear-

As previously discussed. When she was still that little girl named Powder, Jinx displayed intense fear of abandonment even before losing her second family and Vi "leaving" her. Now as a member of Silco's organization, those seven years of unresolved trauma have not improved. After the incident with the firelights in which Jinx broke down, due to hallucinating Vi being there, Silco benches her. We see her in her workshop, she is angry, she is increasingly agitated, and the voices of her fallen family push her until, in a bid to regain his favor, she kills six enforcers, and steals the hex gemstone. This of course pleases him, when he realizes what she has taken. He is happy, so she will not be abandoned. We see this moving forward as well.

An Impossible Standard-

"You need to let Powder die, so the fear of pain will no longer control you... your strong now, like you were always meant to be. Jinx is perfect"- Silco trying to baptize Jinx in his ways in Season 1 Episode 5.

Silco speaks a great deal on strength. About surrendering your fear of pain, and about becoming what your enemies fear. And in a way, Jinx has done that to a point. But here's the problem. There is a part of Powder in her that has never healed, never truly grieved. A primal, long buried part that she has no control over. She has now spent years learning to weaponize her deep seated fear and guilt to survive. But that is not healing. And now she finds herself in an unwinnable situation slowly tearing her apart.

So, in summary, she is not mentally capable of meeting his standards, and terrified that if she does meet said standards, she will be abandoned, and alone. I can't speak for you, but to me, that sounds like a very young woman, in a terrible amount of pain.

*For clarity and fairness, he is trying to help her survive in the same way he did. But he is broken as well, and he cannot see that he is handing his adopted daughter the gasoline and matches that lit the flame already consuming his soul*

Vi's Return-

As soon as Silco finds out Vi is alive, he starts making moves to have her murdered. Even knowing that Jinx is still struggling with guilt and closure over what happened those years ago, he is determined to keep them apart. Because he to has been abandoned, hurt and alone. And he knows that if Vi finds Jinx, there is a chance she will leave him. Or perhaps even worse, Jinx will remember that Silco killed Vander... Mylo... Clagger.. That it was his puppet who took Vi and hid her away even if Silco didn't know.

And so it is that to prevent their reunion, Silco tries to end Vi and Caitlyn both, as well as poisoning Jinx against Caitlyn by lying, claiming he knows why she is there. Sevika does this as well, even with the express purpose of destabilizing Jinx to the point Silco may throw her out.

We see how this plays out, Silco's attempts to keep them from reuniting causing Jinx more and more pain as things build to a head:

1. First Reunion-

When Vi finally finds her sister after all those years, things seem to be going shockingly well. Until seeing Caitlyn, who Jinx would know and suspect nothing about if not for Silco and Sevika, she immediately becomes agitated, the voices chattering in her head, even putting her minigun under Vi's chin.

2. Closing her wound-

After the fight with the firelights, Jinx is trying to staple her wound. The perpetually tormenting specter of Mylo is trying to convince her Vi had only come for the stone, only cared about Caitlyn, while Jinx is trying to push back. But with every spike of pain she gets worse until finally she focuses on Caitlyn alone.

3. The Bridge-

First and foremost, Jinx could have attacked at any point if all she wanted was to hurt Vi, Cait or Ekko. she watches them walking down the bridge while the specter of Mylo hovers like a giant spider. She even insists that Vi is just telling Caitlyn goodbye because she wouldn’t leave her again when they hug. It’s not until she sees the stone…. Sees that object that means Silco’s approval, his love, that she launches her assault. And for all the brutality of that attack, if you notice she is extremely calm. Until she sees Vi holding Caitlyn. And her fractured psyche shows her evil faces dancing across Caitlyn’s features. Jinx unloads almost killing them both before Ekko stops her, and she tries to kill both of them.

4. Singed-

She is tied to a table, critically injured from the blast, and going through terrible pain from the shimmer Singed is filling her with. In a short moment of quiet, when she is afraid and in pain, she hallucinates Vi. And when it’s just Vi, she is comforting, loving, there to help. But then Caitlyn appears. Caitlyn who again, has done NOTHING to Jinx at this point. But Silco has made her a demon in Jinx’s mind.

5. Taking Caitlyn-

This is an extremely dark moment that shows a notable shift in how unstable Jinx has become at this point. This is not an explosive episode where they just run into one another. This was deliberate, thought out, and with intention to terrify her target. Now, ultimately, Jinx chooses to do this. But again my point is that how did this all start? With Silco using Caitlyn as a tool to keep Vi and Jinx apart.

The Dinner Party:

Jinx’s dinner party is the culmination of the mental tug-of-war that has been going on within her and ultimately driven her almost past the point of no return. I have broken down this scene many times. So I’m not going through a point-by-point again. But for our purposes here what does this boil down to?

Vi believes she is only Powder and tries to get through to her, while Silco insists she is only Jinx. They are both wrong, and it is that fracturing in her that made things get so out of hand, as when we see them both yelling to get through to her.

The visions and sounds grow worse and worse, beating her down more and more until Silco frees himself, and she is forced to kill him to save Vi. As she cries and apologizes, he assures her he never would have let Topside take her. She’s perfect. And with the sight of Silco’s lifelong enemy looming over them, Vi and Caitlyn watch helplessly as she attacks the council of Piltover. A last attempt to honor the man who made her what she is.

*Regarding Vi’s contributing to her dissonance by insisting she is the Powder she was, I’ll say this. Was Vi unintentionally making her worse? It seems so based off of that last scene. But Vi is trying to remind her of everyone who loved her and who she was before Silco took that from her. So while I can admit Vi’s inability to see JUST how different her sister was before this was a mistake, if you believe Jinx would have been better off left alone on Silco’s path, that is not a stance I can understand*

Aftermath:

Ultimately, Jinx goes through a lot more after this until she starts to find her way out of the dark, but from this point on, it is without Silco. We see a few times instances where that influence threatens her, such as Sevika demanding she honor Silco’s sacrifice and the brief moment of glitchy chaos in her before she regains control. But I would say the ultimate proof we need to understand the toxicity of Silco’s influence upon her rests in their conversation in season two. Her mind could have presented the lesson of breaking the cycle to her in any form. But ultimately, it was the man whose shadow would fall over her even in death, who told her to break the cycle, and find a new life.

As always, to anyone who reads these I really appreciate you. Til next time.