#i don’t need a therapist i have myself telling me whats what
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr has been providing a Korean-language service since 2013.
Text
Hi guys I really don’t want to bring bad vibes on Christmas so truly feel no need to read but vent below
I don’t understand why I feel so fragile coming home these days?? Like my family, specifically my dad’s family (who I’ve always had problems with) has been better this Christmas than any Christmas I can remember, but it takes so little to set me off. I feel like maybe I just have less tolerance for things than I did when I was younger/living here? But I’ve had to flee to bathrooms three times in the past two days to get myself together before I tracked mascara down my face lol. Today it was just that my brother snapped at me because I had asked him to help (admittedly, being somewhat of an annoying/bossy big sister) and he said some cruel things, and really they weren’t even that hurtful and I didn’t take them to heart, but I’m just not used to being talked to that way anymore and as soon as I started to be like “hey” my dad goes “don’t, just ignore it” and I completely snapped at my dad like “why?? Why do I have to ignore it, why is that always my job?” and then immediately felt bad because it’s not like me to snap. I apologized and my dad said it was okay but then within a literal minute, my brother asked me to bring him a drink from the fridge, and I said (quietly, so as not to make a scene) “don’t expect me to do you favors when you talk to me like that.” And that’s….its not new for me to be curt with my brother, but that’s a boundary my therapist has been trying to get me to set. Like, not just letting things blow over when he wants them to. But then he very loudly goes “is that a threat?” and my uncle wants to know what’s going on so my brother loudly repeats what I said and everyone in the room agreed I was “threatening” him when I felt like I was just trying to tell him the sort of behavior I won’t accept. It made me feel really alone and like I’m always the one causing problems when I feel like my brother just gets to say and do whatever he wants and it becomes my fault if I react in any way. Anyway after that I did let it blow over and we had a perfectly nice time, but it makes me feel teary even to think about now. My Christmas hasn’t been bad by a long shot so I don’t mean to complain about small stuff I just felt like I needed to get this out of my system. It’s a bit self-pitying though sorry I might not keep it on here
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
i can feel a wave of depression building up rn ☹️😧
gonna read a bunch of cherik fics to settle it down before it gets too bad
#love having depression making me sad for no fuckin reason 🤨#if i didnt have a class soon i would watch dp#although don’t know how well that would help my mood#complete character butchering in it#charles got partially depressed after becoming bald#i feel you girl#i’m not bald tho#if someone tried to watch the xmen films in chronological order i wonder how confused they would be to see raven die and then come back#this is why you watch it by release order#still doesn’t make sense cause the writer haven’t got a clue on how to keep things consistent but anyway#my brain is being depressed but also trying to figure out how to structure a fic#i havent written one in years#i got the sense of it needing to be perfect first try#need to get rid of that mindset asap#i got the weirdest combo of being mentally ill and emotionally intelligent#it pisses me off sometimes#i don’t need a therapist i have myself telling me whats what#thats a lie i do need to talk to people#why can’t i think of cherik 24/7 why do i need to have problems? ☹️#anyway i’m bored and im gonna figure out what to do with myself before my class starts#prob read a fic figure out how these people write while also enjoy the stories#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#magneto#professor x
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc
#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people#I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I#need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself#That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings#And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends#But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc#I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting#Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there#And I think that’s what I need#I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for#One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually.#Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule#I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week#And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much#But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now .#Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com
119 notes
·
View notes
Text
i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.
#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that.#idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks#maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through#like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap#and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again#because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately#I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens#and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much#I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something#my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable#like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily#and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving#I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now.#but again… it’s a fear I have#idk what I’m even saying anymore.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.
lol it’s underwater 🐠
#ugggghhhhh so sad#like genuinely I think my therapist rocks#he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me#I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy#I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks#between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday#I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot#and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say#I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden#and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting#I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately#I don’t know what I’m going to do#I have to believe it’ll get better#because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing#and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh#but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning#I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad#but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this#okay be safe#goodbye forever#text
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I hate being too lost in my own head, I wish I could just take it off and shake it so the the thoughts would scramble up and hopefully be too mixed to continue thinking about
#crow thoughts#I hate playing therapist in my head but someone has to fucking do it#cause god knows no one gonna help me understand how to actually seek a therapist#<- I also have to convince myself that I need one and that it’s okay for me to seek one cause man that still ain’t happening#someone flip the switch I’m begging you get my dumbass to stop putting a percentage on my pain to see if I deserve it#<- not rlly begging I’ll figure it out… eventually…#in the meantime someone inform my mom that knowing me at birth is not an excuse to tell me I don’t know myself#like man I don’t even think you know me anymore I don’t tell you shit#love you mom but also what the fuck!!!#delete later
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think somethings rlly fucking wrong with me
#I smoke weed and it triggers a paranoia episode I smoke weed and it triggers wtf I’m in now or maybe it’s just the caffeine combined with#the lack of sleep I only slept 2 hours last night I couldn’t sleep but then I was in a super weird mood all of yesterday which was the day#after the weed so maybe it was that or maybe not or maybe it’s just cause I was on weed for so long that my Brian’s a little fucked up abou#it or maybe it’s my body craving more weed in the way caffeine addicts crave more coffee bc it’s a similar level of addiction except weed#makes you more high and I am buzzing I am shaking while holding perfectly still I came up with a weirdass fuckign plan I thought was genius#and was so fuckign pissed off for a minute there in a way I don’t usually get where I’m not murderous but I’m not thinking clearly either#and actually it was green while anger is usually red or orange (ik it’s basic fuck off) but yeah it’s probably just the caffeine it’s prob#just the caffeine rn#but what about all the other times I keep fuckign getting like this am I in a mental health slump or am I chronically depressed and was the#past month or so a hypomanic episode or am I just grabbing onto things the way I do#I’d talk to my therapist about it but she’s on vacation til September fuck I need to talk to her I can’t sort all this out#I can’t tell if the brain fog is making it worse or better bc I can’t work through my thoughts but I also can’t spiral as efficiently#I keep thinking and feeling these great grand things about myself I’m a beautiful person everyone is lucky to have me I have the best ideas#and no one else can see it bc I know better than everyone else but they all feel so hollow and it’s just the last two days or maybe just#today I can’t remember I can’t remember a lot of things but was it the weed? what’s happening to me whats always coming back to happen to m#vent
0 notes
Text
I was like dude why am I spilling my guts to my parents even after everything and why am I risking letting something slip that I don’t want to, and how do I stop doing that. And then I realised that I’m trying to fix my parents’ relationship with my brother and I went ah. I need to stop trying to fix other people’s relationships because it is not my job as the child to explain emotional maturity to my parents, nor do I need to hear ‘there are always extenuating circumstances’ from my mother ever again.
#‘nothing happens in isolation’ I’m glad you’ll have that to tell yourself when my brother and I cut you off!#anne speaks#me and my stupid need to fix everything for everyone else#it’s like a compulsion.#I mean it’s not stupid. it lands me in trouble but it’s from a very small younger me trying to stop everyone fighting#but it’s up to my mother to pull her head out of her ass and make it up to my brother before he never speaks to her again#and it’s up to my father to deal with his anger issues before we both cut him off#affirmations: I will not put my mental health on the line by being overly vulnerable with my parents when it is not my place to be their#therapists#I will resist the urge to therapise them and I will grey rock more than I have been#dealing with times they hurt me these days will not be me explaining why they did what they did and telling them how to stop it#and showing the fleshy part of myself where it hurts#it will be them apologising and taking responsibility and showing understanding of the issue on their own#or I won’t entertain it#it’s just actually so hard when a good relationship with them is in my sights if they would just have an ounce of emotional maturity#but they don’t; and I need to tell the baby me who is so desperately hopeful for them to stop hurting her#that it’s not her fault they don’t love her properly; it was never her fault and it’s not her responsibility to make it work
1 note
·
View note
Text
On one hand dragonflies are the dragons of the bug world. Flying leviathans and omens of death. More than that, they ARE death. But, on the other hand, they are only bugs.
I can respect a dragonfly, but the dragonfly does not know respect. It’s intelligence stops at its digestive system linked eyesight. It knows food and force and nothing else. I know more than a dragonfly, but am I better?
Some will say I have sentience and conscious thought, that I have purpose.
Is that what being better is?
Is that better than being a Force of nature? Than having a purpose so set into your being that your body reflects it? Than never feeling ennui or doubt?
I’m not sure if I am better than the dragonfly. I’m not sure we’re even on equal ground. I’m not sure the dragonfly would ever need to respect me.
#early’s vent tag#back on my ‘convincing myself my friends aren’t only tolerating me’ grind#I should probably tell my therapist#but she’s just gonna ask me what evidence I have that they don’t like me#and I don’t have any😒 so I’m just gonna look stupid#and then I’m gonna feel like I’m being dramatic#I need to stop feeling like this every 4 days#early and bugs
0 notes
Text
~ ~ ~
#I really am so fucking pathetic#sitting here crying for over an hour because you didn’t talk to me today#cause that’s really all it boils down to I suppose even though it feels worse to me#and I know tomorrow I’ll go in to see my therapist and not mention any of this happening#I’ll tell him the good things that happened since last session and talk about my girlfriend and shit like that#because as far as he knows I already cut our friendship off but I can’t tell him I didn’t because I don’t want to look weak/foolish#ironic isn’t it that I’m going to therapy to get better with things like this and still don’t feel comfortable talking about these issues#the good news is that I think I wore myself out with all the tears and can probably fall asleep pretty quickly if I try#maybe I should actually end this friendship if this is what it does to me#because I know this isn’t healthy but fuck I just can’t keep losing people no matter how toxic they are#I don’t have enough friends as it is so I don’t want to lose any more#abandonment issues are kicking in heavily right now#I just feel so damn stupid and worthless right now#crying over you like any of this matters at all#I just need to get all my emotions removed so I don’t have to keep going through this kind of dumb shit#mental issues are a bitch#personal
0 notes
Text
.
#honestly I can’t do this much longer#everything is awful all the time I wake up feeling awful I go to work feeling awful i go to sleep feeling awful#nothing is fun anymore#I don’t want to do anything anymore#I’m so fucking exhausted and it’s fucking pathetic#I literally don’t know how much longer I can do this for#every day it takes so much energy just to do the bare minimum#and nothing is enjoyable I don’t want to do anything but fucking sleep forever#I just… i don’t know what to do#I need help but no one understands when I try to tell them what’s happening#my mom thinks I’m blaming everything on my autism so I’m not even trying to get better#but god I’m trying SO HARD everything is just so much effort and so draining#and she still says I need to go out and see people more exercise more eat better sleep better go back to school etc.#I just can’t do it anymore I don’t know what to do#I can’t even talk to my therapist because she just raised her prices and I can’t afford it anymore#and I know my friends are sick of hearing it since I’m like this literally every day#fuck me I hate myself so so much why do I have to be like this#tw: self hatred#tw: despair
1 note
·
View note
Text
So
~
90 notes: I’ll post some random shit I’ve been planning to post forever
160 notes: I’ll post a chapter of a fic I have drafted on Ao3 (y’all if I don’t post it before Oct 2 it’ll automatically delete itself so please save my fic before it’s too late oml)
250 notes: I’ll start going on walks at least once a week (I really need motivation)
370 notes: I’ll tell my best friend some big news about my identity (why am I so scared? Idk)
530 notes: I’ll post an audio of me singing something (you can wish for any song in the comments if you like!)
1660 notes: I’ll post a lot of shit I have in my Tumblr drafts + I’ll gather the courage ask my friends for a little money so I can buy myself my own phone (I need a second one in case anything bad happens to me and I have to run away from home. No, I won’t elaborate.)
1850 notes: I’ll take more time to do the things I love this winter.
2000 notes: I’ll wear my lesbian pin in front of my mum and hope she sees it.
2300 notes: I’ll tell my therapist a lot of things… things she probably needs to know but I’m scared to tell her.
2800 notes: I’ll try to talk to my crush in school. Small talk, okay? Nothing more. I’m so scared don’t make me do it-
3100 notes: I’ll finish reading Art Heist, Baby! (No. Please.)
~
I won’t be tagging anyone because y’all are insane and I’ll be forced to keep my promises… sigh
ONLY TWO NOTES PER PERSON!!! Edit: Yup only 2 notes. Can y’all tell I really don’t wanna do all this lol
DOBT MAKE MUNOIST GET TO 2800 BECAISE I DONT WANT TO DO WHAT MY FROEMD WANST ME TO DO AJSHSJSJSJ
#ellastag#ahb#art heist baby!#gender identity#sexuality#to do list#yourlocalbadgerscales#motivation#crushes
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m fucking disabled
#I had this conversation with my therapist last week. I’ll give you the secret HIPAA breaking rundown#I HATE calling myself disabled#I don’t know why. there’s no shame in it. it’s just ya know it’s just what I am#but I still can’t get it into my head that yes I’m kinda fucking disabled#because here I am sitting on this creaky futon unable to understand anything anyone is saying to me bc my hearing is so bad#it’s a bad hearing day! it happens! some days are good! today is very much not so good!#so I told my therapist I’m way cool with telling people I have mental health issues#but when it comes to hearing it’s ‘oh no I’m not REALLY disabled. I just uhhhhh can’t uhhh fuckin hear sometimes 🤷🏻♂️ that’s normal right?’#and he’s like no my sweet boy you are disabled you need to own that shit#okay… he didn’t say it like that but this is my flashback please let me have this#let me be a sweetie boy in my own mind#he said it’s usually the reverse: people don’t like to admit mental health issues but will mention physical disabilities#I just… I spent 30 something years with great hearing and then it all just got taken from me out of the blue and no one knows why#and I hate that. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry and scared and alone#and I hate admitting that yes I am disabled. like really disabled. it feels like defeat.#and it shouldn’t. like I said it’s just kinda what I am now. It’s like saying I breathe or I’m allergic to birds. it just is me.#sorry I’m just having a rough day#I got about an hour of sleep and now I’m holding down the fort while a home inspector and the new buyer look through the house#and I can’t talk to either of them. I can’t understand them talking to each other. it’s isolating.#I have therapy later and I’m hoping I’ll be able to communicate and hear during it. I really just need someone to talk to#I miss talking to people in person. I can still do that it just can take a bit of work and I hate subjecting people to putting up with me#I feel so needy. I just want some human connection. I want to know I can still make this work.#gosh this is whiny. sorry about that. just needed a quick vent to get me through the next few hours#anyway I love you. probably. maybe… ehhh#you can ignore this#text
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#so like taking with the physical therapist yesterday helped me feel a bit more optimistic about my future#but they operate under the goal of getting people to as low of a pain rating as possible#which isn’t a bad thing!#but it’s just hard to believe them when they say that one of my goals is bringing my baseline pain down to a four (currently between 6 and 7#but used to be between 7 and 8)#like yes! it’s only been three months and my pain has gotten better but it just means that I’m able to do more to keep up with my peers#it was hindering me significantly and still does!#so whenever my pain decreases I do more and then my pain goes back up because half of it is just trying to live my life#my pain keeps me from functioning and doing things I want to do and I don’t even realize it because I’m so used to it#and that’s entirely due to my parents and the doctor not listening to me when I told them that I was in extreme joint pain year after year#and they dismissed me. They just dismissed me!#I could have gotten physical therapy so much earlier. It might have prevented tons of pain!#but I was ignored for five years and now I tell doctors my average pain level and they do a double take because a person should not be#going through their entire day at a 7! that’s not something most people are able to do let alone do every single day!!#but I never had any other choice#i bought myself a cane because I got tired of limping by the end of the day#I had no guidance or support. I barely knew what I was doing other than I needed something to help me when my hip won’t stay in place#I couldn’t even go to my parents because they wouldn’t believe me and they’d just make me feel bad for it!#I cannot conceptualize being in no pain because I almost never experience it#and apparently people aren’t even supposed to be in pain most of the time#it just. sucks. it really does
0 notes