#i don’t need a therapist i have myself telling me whats what
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Long-Distance Call | Supernatural Series Rewrite | Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader
Warnings: lots of arguing, angst, everyone's saying things they don't mean, canon violence, canon gore
Word Count: 5056
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For hours most nights recently, you watched Dean sleep. In the dim light coming in through the cheap curtains in motel rooms, you would make out the details of his face and trace your eyes along them. He was just so beautiful, and you considered yourself incredibly lucky for every day you got to spend with him; despite the fact that those days were coming to an end.
Dean knew you hadn’t been sleeping, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him why.
Sam was driving himself crazy talking to witch doctors, professors, and demonologists trying to wrap his head around a way to break Dean’s deal. You didn’t get involved, though; you knew it was futile to do so.
You weren’t sure if feeling helpless and knowing the situation was helpless was better than feeling helpless and trying to gain control of the situation, but you knew Sam probably felt as horribly as you did.
“Y’know, someday, if we ever get a house— it could happen!” you assured Dean off his skeptical look. “We should get a couch. It’d be better for our backs than sitting on Baby or these shitty mattresses.”
You sat up facing Dean who lounged on the headboard in your shared motel room. Tension had been high between the brothers recently, and you decided it was best for the three of you to bunk separately.
“You are annoyingly optimistic, you know that?” he replied.
“I like to think of myself as more of a realist,” you returned. “But I’m trying to be more like you lately.”
“What do you mean?” Dean asked. His eyes held such an intensity when he looked at you.
In vulnerable moments like these, you couldn’t bear to look back at him. You opted for looking down at the mattress or, really, anywhere other than his face. “I mean, your whole thing is being annoyingly biting and sarcastic and— I mean, you just have the most amazing sense of humor— even when things suck major ass. And I don’t know how you do it. But… it’s admirable.” When your eyes returned to his face, he was looking at you with such pride and admiration.
“What?” you asked.
“I just love you,” he said.
You grinned widely and reached for his hand. You held it for just a moment before speaking again. “When are you gonna tell Sam?”
“What?”
“That we can’t save you.”
He sighed. “(Y/N)—”
“No, Dean, he deserves to know.” You shifted to your knees from your cross-legged position. “He’s on a wild goose chase instead of enjoying the time he has with you.”
“He’s a grown man, he can make his own choices,” Dean insisted, hand retreating from yours. He crossed his arms over his chest.
You gave him a look. “And maybe he’d make different choices if he had all the information about the situation available to him.”
“Alright, professor, no need to lecture me,” he grumbled, getting out of bed.
“Dean—! Don’t get mean just because you’re pissed at yourself and this whole situation,” you said, standing to face him. “Look, I’m only saying something because I don’t want the last few weeks of your life to be spent fighting with your brother.”
“Way to put that in perspective, (Y/N), thank you,” Dean spat.
“See, this is when your attitude pisses me off beyond belief,” you argued. “I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and you’re being a complete dick. This didn’t have to turn into a fight, and I’m not understanding why it did!”
“Because you’re my girlfriend, not my fucking therapist,” he responded. “I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life.”
“Okay, this clearly isn’t about me.” You shook your head, turning away from him to grab your shorts and shoes.
“Then, what’s it about, (Y/N)?”
You turned back to him. “Clearly, this is about your deal.” “Oh, my god,” Dean scoffed.
“You’re runnin’ out of time. You’re scared, and you’re lashing out. It’s crap. I only wanna help you because I love you,” you told him. “And I’m not gonna tolerate you getting mean with me just because I told you something you didn’t wanna hear.”
“Where are you going?” Dean asked, seeing you stomp toward the door.
“Out,” you replied. “Don’t follow me.”
***
That night, after yet another argument, you convinced Dean to let you sleep in his car and have him take the bed because you knew you wouldn’t get much sleep anyway. You were hurt and angry, but you missed holding Dean. You missed memorizing his features while he slept and finally seeing him at peace.
And the next morning, the situation was no better. Now, instead of Dean and Sam fighting, it was you, Dean, and Sam fighting.
Sam had gone to talk to another person about how to potentially break Dean’s deal. “So, the professor doesn't know crap.”
“Shocking,” Dean commented. “Pack your panties, guys, we're hitting the road.”
“What? What's up?” Sam asked.
“That was Bobby.” He gestured to the phone he’d just hung up. “Some banker guy blew his head off in Ohio, and he thinks there's a spirit involved.”
“So, you two were talking a case?”
“No, we were actually talking about our feelings. And then our favorite boy bands,” Dean replied dryly. “Yeah, we were talking a case!”
“Dean, stop being an ass,” you scolded.
“Well, get Sam to stop asking stupid questions.” Sam huffed. “So, a spirit? What?”
“Yeah, the banker was talking about some sort of electrical problems at his pad for like a week. Phone was going haywire, computer was flipping on and off,” Dean explained. “This is not ringing your bell?” He pressed when Sam looked at him skeptically.
“Well, sure, yeah. But, Dean, we're already on a case,” the younger one replied.
“Whose?” Dean asked.
“Yours!”
“Right. Yeah. Well, you coulda fooled me,” the older scoffed.
“What the hell else have we been doing lately other than trying to break your deal?” Sam protested.
“Chasing our tails, that's what. Sam, we've talked to every professor, witch, soothsayer and two-bit carny act in the lower forty-eight. Nobody knows squat! And we can't find Bela, we can't find the Colt. So until we actually find something, I'd like to do my job.”
“We should summon Ruby,” Sam suggested.
“I'm not gonna have this fight with you.” Dean shook his head.
Sam continued anyway. “She said she knows how to save you.”
“About that, Dean has something he wants to tell you.” You turned to your partner expectantly with your arms folded.
“What?” Sam asked, looking between the two of you.
Dean was giving you a glare which you returned.
“Dean, what?” Sam asked again.
“She can’t save me,” Dean answered finally, still holding your glare.
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Sam turn back to you. “(Y/N)—?”
“She told us she can’t save him, Sam,” you admitted.
Sam turned his anger toward you. “Whoa, so you’ve known this whole time and haven’t told me?”
“It wasn’t mine to tell, Sam!”
“Yeah, but the both of you still kept a secret from me,” he responded.
“You really wanna talk about who's keeping secrets from who?” Dean snapped.
You turned to the car.
“Where are you going?” Dean called after you.
“Guess we’re going to Ohio.”
***
You were silent for the entirety of the ride to the deceased’s house. Dean and Sam only spoke to make a snarky remark directed at each other or at you, but you refused to respond.
You asked the woman what happened to her husband, and she reluctantly told you that he kept talking to a woman named Linda on the phone. However, there was no one on the other line when she would pick it up to check.
Curious about who this woman could have been, you and the brothers returned to the motel to research.
“Linda's a babe. Or, was,” Dean commented.
Your heart dropped. You knew he was kidding, but now was so not the time to make jokes like that. “Don’t say shit like that, please.”
“She’s dead, (Y/N),” he replied dryly. “Don’t be jealous.”
“I just think it’s in really poor taste to say that right now considering the state our relationship’s in,” you told him, trying to remain as calm as possible.
He slammed his laptop shut. “Are you seriously picking a fight with me over this? Right now?”
Sam interrupted before you could respond. “Oh-kay! That’s enough. Who’s Linda?”
“Linda Bateman.” Dean turned his eyes away from you. “She and Ben Waters were high school sweethearts.”
“So what happened?” Sam asked.
“Drunk driver hit them head on. Ben walked away.”
“So, what then? Dead flame calls to chat?” Sam wondered aloud.
“You would think, but Linda was cremated. So why's she still floating around?”
“You got me,” Sam shrugged.
“What about that, uh, caller I.D?” Dean asked his brother, referring to the number he’d found on Ben’s phone.
“Turns out, it's a phone number,” Sam replied. “It's about a century old, back from when phones had cranks.”
“So, why use that number to reach out and touch someone?” Dean returned.
“Got me there too, but we should put a trace on it.”
“Well how the hell are we going to put a trace on something that's over one-hundred years old?”
Sam suggested that the three of you should head to Ben’s phone company’s local office posing as representatives of their headquarters.
“You guys go ahead without me,” you said.
“Oh, c’mon, (Y/N)—”
You cut Dean off. “No. Both of us need space before we kill each other. So, please. Go.”
“Whatever,” Dean grumbled and stormed out of the room.
Sam stayed behind with you for a moment. “I’m sorry about him,” he said.
You sniffled, wiping away tears that threatened to spill from your eyes. “It’s okay. Just a rough patch, I guess. Call me when y’all have something.”
He nodded and pulled you into a hug. Sam placed a quick kiss on the crown of your head before following his brother out of the door.
***
Sam called to inform you that the number had called over a dozen people multiple times over the last week. So, you and the Winchesters split up to investigate. Without a car, you stayed in the motel room and called the numbers Sam had forwarded to you posing as a representative of the phone company. One of the people you’d spoken to said that he’d been hearing his deceased brother calling him to reconcile the broken relationship they’d had when his brother passed away.
Just as you hung up the phone with him, Dean burst into the room and immediately started pacing.
“What’s wrong?” you asked.
Dean didn’t answer.
Sam sat at the table in the room. “He said our dad called him.”
“No fucking way,” you breathed out. “You really think it was him?”
“I don't know, maybe,” Dean grunted.
“Well, what did he sound like?” Sam asked.
“Like Oprah!” the older brother snapped. “Like Dad; he sounded like Dad, what do you think?”
“What did he say?” you questioned.
“My name,” Dean replied.
“That’s it?” Sam pressed.
“Call dropped out.”
You shook your head and folded your arms, sitting cross-legged on Sam’s bed. After the recent fights with Dean, you’d decided to get a room separate from the two brothers and had been hanging out in their room all day. “Why would he even call in the first place, Dean?”
“I don't know, (Y/N)! I’m not a fucking psychic,” he snarked. “Why are ghosts calling anybody in this town? But I mean, other people are hearing from their loved ones, why can't we? It's at least a possibility, right?”
You wanted to chew him out for snapping at you like that, but you truly had no energy to put up another fight.
“Yeah, I guess?” Sam replied in your place.
“Okay, so what if....” Dean trailed off, only looking at his brother. “What if it really is Dad? What happens if he calls back? What do I say?”
“Hello,” you suggested.
“Hello?” he scoffed.
You shook your head and rolled your eyes.
“That's what you come back with. Hello?” Dean continued.
“Fuck off, Dean,” you sneered.
Dean huffed, grabbed his jacket, and headed for the door.
Sam shot you a puppy-dog-eyed look and turned to the door to stare after his brother.
You sighed and buried your face in your hands.
“(Y/N)?”
You picked your head up.
“What’s happening to you guys?”
“I don’t know,” you admitted, tearing up. “We started fighting ‘cause I told him to tell you about the whole ‘Ruby’ thing, and I said some mean shit, and he said some mean shit, and it’s just a mess now.”
Sam gave you another puppy-dog-eyed look.
“It’ll be fine, though. I’m sure it’ll blow over.”
If it was even possible, Sam’s face dropped even further.
“Don’t look at me like that,” you smiled lopsidedly, knowing he just didn’t know how to help. “Can we talk about something other than my boy drama?”
Sam nodded. “Sure.”
***
For the next few hours, you scoured the internet for information on the “SHA33” number that was calling these poor people.
Dean returned with caustic remarks to spare. “Find anything?” he asked Sam while pretty much blatantly ignoring you.
“After three hours, I’ve found no reason why anything supernatural would be going on here,” Sam sighed, shutting his laptop.
“Me neither, Dean, thanks for asking,” you said.
“Well, you know, you think a Stanford education and a high school hook up rate of zero-point-zero would produce better results than that,” Dean scoffed at Sam.
“Hilarious,” you deadpanned, hoping to elicit some sort of a response from Dean.
He shot you a glare, but other than that, he said nothing. Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet. “Motel pamphlet rack.” He dropped it on the coffee table along with a few books. “Milan, Ohio. Birthplace of Thomas Edison.”
“So what?” you asked.
Sam grabbed a book and leafed through it.
Dean just raised his eyebrows at you as Sam looked up from the book.
“You're kidding,” he said.
Dean smirked as his brother.
***
Well, a huge waste of time was the only thing Dean’s suggestion led to. The tour you went on at a museum showed the invention Thomas Edison believed could communicate with spirits and informed you that he was a devout occultist. However, the “spirit phone” didn’t set off the EMF detector.
Sleep refused to claim you. Your anxiety kept your mind racing through the long hours of the night. You sat at the table in your room staring at the door just waiting for Dean to knock. However, despite it being three in the morning, he hadn’t come yet. Your fights had all been stupid and petty, but both of you were too stubborn to be the first to admit fault.
And with each passing night, you could feel the clock ticking. You knew Dean was running out of time, and you just wanted him to hold you again. As the sun rose, your heart sank knowing he hadn’t come to make things right with you.
You stayed in your room upset until Sam called you to come over to theirs.
“What’s up?” you asked upon entering.
“That girl Lanie—” Sam was referring to the victim he’d spoken to— “her Mom's ghost spooked her out pretty bad last night.”
“That sucks,” said Dean, typing furiously on his laptop.
“What… are you doing, Dean?” you asked hesitantly.
He looked at you briefly; the expression on his face confusing. He looked back down at his computer. “I think my dad’s right. I think the demon is here. Check it out.” He handed you some papers and dug around in his bag.
“What is this, weather reports?” you asked, leafing through the papers.
“Omens. Demonic omens,” he responded. “Electrical storms everywhere we've been for the past two weeks.”
Trepidatiously, you said, “I don't remember any lightning storms.”
“Well, I don't remember you studying meteorology, either,” he snapped.
‘So much for us being civil,’ you thought.
“But I'm telling you, that bastard's been tailing me; wearing some poor dude's meat,” Dean finished.
Sam took some of the pressure off you. “And it’s following you because…?” he asked.
“I guess I'm big game, y’know? My ass is too sweet to let outta sight.” Dean threw a wink at you, and you were getting incredibly thrown off by his changing attitude.
“Okay. Sure,” Sam snorted.
Dean snatched the papers back from you. “Don't get too excited, Sammy. Might pull something.” He stood from the bed and moved away from you and his brother.
“Dean, look, I wanna believe this man, I really do…”
Dean cut his brother off. “Then believe it! if we get this sucker, it's Miller Time.”
“Yeah, that's another thing. Dad rattles off an exorcism that can kill a demon? I mean, not just send it back to hell, but kill it?” Dean’s eyes lit up. “I've checked it out. This is heavy duty Dark Ages. Fifteenth century.”
“Dean,” you said softly. “I checked on it, too. So did Sam. So did Bobby.”
“Okay, and?” he scoffed.
Sam jumped in. “Look, it definitely is an exorcism, okay, there's just no evidence it can kill a demon.”
“No evidence it can't,” he rebutted.
“Dean…” you trailed off, not wanting to start a bigger fight.
“Hey, as far as I'm aware the only one of us who has actually been to Hell is my dad. And maybe he picked up a couple of tricks down there, like which exorcisms work,” he snapped.
“Maybe!” you replied. “I hope so; for your sake. But we gotta be sure.”
“Why aren't we sure?” he asked.
“’Cause I don't know what's going on around here, Dean!” you cried. “I mean, some guy blows his brains out, a little girl is scared out of her wits—”
“Wow, a couple of civvies are freaked out by some ghosts. News flash, (Y/N), people are supposed to be freaked out by ghosts!” he shot back.
You held his stare venomously. Dean eventually dropped his head in frustration.
“Dad tell you where to find the demon?” Sam asked carefully.
“I'm waiting on the call!” he shouted.
The tension in the room was thick, and you had no idea what to say.
Sam sighed deeply and tried to change the subject. “I told Lanie I'd stop by.”
Dean scoffed. “Oh, good, yeah. No, you go hang out with jailbait. Just, uh, watch out for Chris Hansen. Meanwhile I'll be here getting ready to, y’know, save my life.”
Sam shook his head and turned to the door. You just stared at the floor.
“You two are unbelievable, y’know that?” Dean shouted. “I mean, for months, we’ve been tryin’ to break this demon deal. Now, Dad’s about to give us the fuckin’ address, and you blink? The man is dead, and you’re still butting heads with the guy?!” He turned his attention to you. “And you? What happened to us? What happened to your ��unconditional support’?”
“Dean, you still have it!” you replied. “That was never in question! What I’m questioning is where your fuckin’ head’s at. Because this is not you.”
“Oh, god.” He rolled his eyes and began to pace.
“I’m not gonna mince my words,” you began, anger boiling to the surface. “This is fuckin’ crazy. I mean, there is no proof. At all. All you’re acting on is blind faith.”
“Yeah, well, maybe!” He shouted back. “Y’know, maybe that's all I got, okay?”
You held his stare, the anger melting out of you at his words. When you could see tears forming in his eyes, he looked at the floor.
Sam piped up. “Please. Just please don't go anywhere until I get back. Okay, Dean? Please.”
Dean stayed silent.
“C’mon, (Y/N),” Sam urged you.
You looked up at Dean. For the first time that week, he offered you a kind word. “Go. It’s okay.”
You nodded. As you turned to go, you stared over your shoulder back at Dean.
***
At Lanie’s house, the young girl got you up to speed on what happened to her the night before.
“Have you told your father about any of this?” Sam asked her.
“And bother him at work?” she replied. “No. He wouldn't believe me anyway, he'd just chuck me into therapy.”
“So what did your mother say?” you asked.
“She wanted to see me. So at first I thought I was supposed to go to the cemetery,” she sniffled.
“Did you?” Sam prompted.
Lanie nodded meekly. “Nothing happened. But then she started asking me to do other things.”
“What sort of things?”
She almost seemed embarrassed to say. “Bad things.”
You crouched down and looked up at her, breaking her gaze from the floor. “Lanie, please. Can you tell me what happened? It’s very important.”
She teared up, young eyes swimming in fear and sadness. “Mom told me to go to Dad's medicine cabinet.”
You waited patiently for her to continue.
“She wanted me to take his sleeping pills.” She stopped for a minute to gather her courage. “Take all of his sleeping pills.”
“She wanted you to kill yourself?” Sam couldn’t help himself from saying.
She nodded, crying harder. “Why would my Mom want me to do that?”
You shook your head. “I don’t know.”
“She just kept saying, ‘come to me,’ like, a million times,” she hiccuped.
Your eyes widened. “Oh, sweet girl, that's not your mother.” You stood from the ground.
Sam told Lanie, “Listen to me. Don't answer the phone. Don't use the computer. Don't do anything unless I say to, alright?”
You started down the stairs and listened carefully; just one set of footsteps was following you. You turned back to see Lanie still at the top of the stairs. “You okay?”
Her breathing was quick. “Where's Simon?”
“Simon?” you asked.
“My little brother,” she responded.
The next thing you knew, you were watching Sam shove the little boy out of the way of a speeding truck from the porch of Lanie’s house.
Immediately, you called Dean. “Dean, it’s not your dad,” you rushed out.
“Then what is it, (Y/N)?” he asked flippantly.
“A crocotta,” you answered.
“What is that, a sandwich?” he scoffed.
“They typically live in filth. Mimic loved ones. Whisper, ‘Come to me,’ then lure you into the dark and swallow your soul,” you stated.
Sam motioned for you to head to his rental car as soon as he delivered Simon to his sister safely. You followed quickly.
“A crocotta, right, damn, that makes sense,” he snarkily replied.
“Dean, c’mon, babe—”
He cut you off. “Hey, don't these things live in filth?”
“Yeah,” you replied.
“Oh, god, at the phone company there were these flies. Pretty much as soon as we got down to the basement where this guy Stewie was hangin’ out,” he rushed out.
“Okay, uh, okay,” you nodded. “Meet us there.”
You brought Sam up to speed on the conversation you’d had with Dean, and as night fell, he sped to the phone company.
***
Despite calling Dean several times, you and Sam had to keep moving forward with the case. You watched as the man Sam described to you as Stewie unlocked his car. Silently, you rushed him with a metal spike. You shoved him down onto the car and held a metal spike to the back of his neck.
Stewie grunted. “What the hell?!”
“I know what you are,” you spat. “And I know how to kill you.”
“Wait, wait— Please! If we're overcharging you for the call waiting or something I- I can fix that. I am your friend!” he stammered.
Confusion overtook you, and you turned to an equally confused Sam. You suddenly noticed a man standing behind him with a bat. “Sam, look out!” you cried.
But it was too late. He was hit over the head with a bat, and you released the man in front of you. You threw your spike at him, but he caught it just before it hit him. He stalked toward you, and the man smiled widely. The man you’d been holding down shoved you to the ground from behind, and you were knocked out, too.
***
When you next came to, your wrists and feet were bound; that was the first thing you felt. Your head pounded, and your wrists ached from how tight the bindings were. When you opened your eyes, you turned your head to see Stewie was dead and bleeding profusely from his chest.
You shrieked in horror, and then, the man who’d knocked you out appeared in front of you. “The fuck is wrong with you?!” you snarled.
He just laughed mockingly as he stalked between you and Sam.
You realized something. “My last call with Dean. That was you. You led us here.”
“Some calls I make, some calls I take, but you have to admit, I had you fooled for a while. All that Edison phone crap,” he chuckled. He moved over to a telephone exchange cabinet and sighed in ecstasy.
“What are you doing?” Sam asked.
“I’m killing your brother,” he smiled. “Or maybe I'm killing another guy. We'll just have to see how it goes.”
***
The creature removed the knife from the chest of the man beside you. You grimaced at the wet squelching sound it made as he did.
“Y’know, mimicking Dean's one thing. But my Dad?” Sam complimented mockingly. “That's a hell of a trick.”
“Well, once I made you two as hunters, it was easy. I found Dean's number, then your number, then your father's numbers. Then, emails, voicemails, everything. You see, people think that stuff just gets erased, but it doesn't. You'd be surprised how much of yourself is just floating out there, waiting to be plucked,” the creature grinned.
“Dean’s not an idiot,” you stated sharply. “He’s not gonna kill that guy.”
“Then the guy kills him,” he shrugged. “And I kill you two. And here I thought I was only getting one hunter.” He stalked toward you, and you struggled harder. “Now, I’ve got another. And a pretty one, at that.”
You reared back and spat in his face. Almost like a reflex, he immediately backslapped you.
Unfazed, your head returned to a neutral position and you just glared at him.
“I’m gonna enjoy this,” he said, tracing the knife down your cheek. “Technology. Makes life so much easier. Used to be, I'd hide in the woods for days, weeks, whispering to people, trying to draw them out into the night. But they had community, they all looked out for each other, I'd be lucky to eat one or two souls a year. Now when I'm hungry, I simply make a phone call. You're all so connected. But you've never been so alone.”
Just as the man’s jaw unhinged like a snake to reveal rows of teeth, Sam came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his neck in a chokehold. You sat patiently while Sam and the crocatta struggled for the knife. You watched both men slam each other into various surfaces until they disappeared from view.
You couldn’t do anything to help yourself, and you anxiously waited for— hopefully— Sam’s return into the room.
Much to your relief, Sam stumbled back in minutes later. You grinned up at him happily.
***
You were the one to drive Sam’s rental car back to the motel seeing as he was injured and sore from his fight with the monster. You went at least twenty miles-an-hour over the speed limit for the entirety of the drive.
You burst into Sam and Dean’s room, and you began to panic when you didn’t see him there.
Then, you checked your room, breathing out in relief when you saw Dean holding a wash cloth to his eye. “Dean!” You ran to him, kneeling down in front of him.
He looked up at you, and you immediately kissed him passionately. He returned your kiss eagerly. When you broke away from him, you took the cloth from Dean’s hands gently to help him clean the wound.
“Sweetheart,” he said. “I— I’m so sorry.”
You placed your free hand on his knee. “We’ll talk in a minute, alright? Let me clean you up first.”
He nodded.
***
“There,” you told him having placed the final bandage on his assortment of cuts. “That guy kicked the shit out of you.” Although Dean would normally laugh at jokes like that, his countenance was completely serious. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated.
“I know,” you said softly. “I am, too.”
“I just— I lashed out, and that wasn’t fair to you. You were right,” Dean admitted. “It scares me how well you can fuckin’ read me. And with everything going on, I just—”
“I get it,” you cut him off. “I’m sorry, too. I was being petty. I got mean, too.” You paused for a moment. “I’m sorry it wasn’t really your dad.”
Dean looked down at the ground. “Naw, I gave you a hell of a time on this one.” He huffed. “I wanted to believe so badly that there was a way outta this. I mean, I'm staring down the barrel at this thing. You know, Hell. For real, forever, and I just…” he trailed off, unable to finish.
Your eyebrows scrunched sadly, and your eyelashes flickered.
“I’m scared, sweetheart. I’m… I’m really scared.” As tears pooled in his eyes, he couldn’t seem to meet yours.
You nodded, tearing up as well. “I know.”
“I guess I was willing to believe anything. You know, the last act of a desperate man,” he tried to joke through his stifled cries.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there’s nothing wrong with having hope, Dee,” you told him gently.
“Hope doesn't get you jack squat,” he scoffed. “I can't expect Dad to show up with some miracle at the last minute. I can't expect anybody to, y’know? I mean, the only person that can get me out of this thing is me.”
“And I’m right there with you,” you told him. “Every step of the way. To Hell and back.”
Dean offered a lopsided smile. “To Hell and back.”
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#dean winchester x reader#dean winchester x y/n#dean winchester x you#dean winchester#supernatural#spn#supernatural series rewrite#spn series rewrite
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Legend LU- Spring Support Bunny x Reader: Part 1 (platonic)
Ok, kind of just had this idea a bit randomly. Will try to keep this to three parts but we'll see where it goes.
I kept thinking about Legend in his bunny form and what it would be like if he runs into the modern world and makes friends with a modern reader going through a tought time at school, basically supporting her through it and giving her a confidence boost. Tbh a lot of my own experiences and personal style tend to come through in my writing so it might show. Sorry if there's any typos or spelling errors, it's kind of late and i just wrote this now
Trigger warning:
does go into mental health/depression and anxiety so please don't read this if you're not comfortable with this content. Will keep this balanced with some comedy/seriousness. ENJOY (If you do read)
Spring Support Bunny
I’d been dragging myself through the summer, finding no rest between the shifts from sunrise to sunset, now deep moons forming underneath my eyes.
The only comfort before school was toast, slathered with melting peanut butter and jam carrying the taste of my childhood spring. Before my friend had passed away, before school wasn’t loaded with the stress of exams and pressure of friends turning whispers. Mum is still asleep, past 7am is too early so I go through the day without speaking to anyone and slip my bag across my shoulder, feeling the weight grow each day. On the way my therapist’s voice carries over the blue sky; forcing me to gratitude in the colours of spring, the cold air against my cheek and to keep taking each step slow, reminding me to journal down the little things. Nothing helped. The lump inside my throat was only swelling with each walk closer, stomach churning as school came into view filling me with anxiety.
So much for being the best years of your life.
I keep my head down, placing my headphones above my ears and listen to the steady, gentle lofi beat to keep me going, but the eyes of unseen whispers linger like pinpricks along my skin. Hands clench and unclenchm twisting fabric between my fingers as I try to breathe, eyes on the ground, glancing between the garden beds and the crowd pulling into their friend groups, gathering with coffee cups and conversations around university. I only smile to people, faces that have grown out of our years together finding new groups to join. I tell myself it’s fine. I don’t need friends. All I need is to graduate, and to get good grades and get the hell out of here.
Nobody’s really paying attention to you, most of the thoughts we have about other people’s perception is just from our own insecurities.
My therapist says, bright hazel eyes and plastic lips smiling with a pen flickering in her fingers. I hold onto her words, slowly nodding to myself and glance up, meeting my friend’s gaze. One brow raised, finger twirling a stray curl of hair around her face that used to be pulled into a tight bun. Years ago when we were little, our smiles were more alike, less grown but I watched her blossom.
I smile, but the edge of her lips curl, turning away before mingling with the others. My eyes sting, so stupid I think. It’s me, not her, I remind myself with my therapists’s voice but my legs turn to jelly, and find my way outside of the school, hands wiping away at my cheeks until I’m away from the building and settle near the park, shuffling my bag to the side and lean against the bench, slumping forward.
Finally I feel my breath steady, letting out a deep exhale and look towards the garden bed, soaking up the sunlight. It’s pretty, dozens of types blossoming at this time of year. It was our favourite spot, me and my friends before one of us left too early. I squeeze my eyes shut, pushing away her face and focus on the sway of the flowers. I keep watching, feeling the knot ease and spot a sudden movement. A bird I think, or perhaps a cat but as I keep watching a small pink bunny wriggles between them. I keep looking for longer, wiping my eyes, unblurring the tears. There were bunnies here sometimes, but pink ones? Never seen. The bunny topples over, clumsily navigating between the garden bed before munching on a daisy and bears a look of distaste, colouring its dark eyes. Slowly, I slip off the bench and make my way, crouching, hoping that I won’t spook it away. Was it a new breed? Or a rare species? I go through all the possibilities and finally crouch to it's height, a short distance away. Spring bunny stops, looking up at me, stifled.
“Hi bunny, are you lost?” Of course it doesn’t understand me, but Spring bunny doesn’t move, lowering it’s form and shuffles underneath a hedge. The act surprises me, compared to others they already run out of sight before I get this close.
“Where are your friends?” I look over for any name tags or collars, but there’s none. Bunny doesn’t move as I approach and lean forward curiously looking down. Bunny slowly meets my gaze, but won’t move. It seems too tame to be wild.
“Are you hungry? I’ve got some food.” I know Bunny doesn’t really understand me but it keeps staring, still in place. I quickly retreat to my bag, looking over my shoulder to keep an eye on it and return with a few small strawberries, placing them in my hand reach towards it. Bunny looks up, eyes cautiously with deep, brown glassy eyes and slowly eats them, still looking at me.
“You’re so pretty, bunny, where are you from?” I tilt my head adoringly, admiring it’s shiny pink fur but it’s too intent on eating. Still, it’s presence calms me, knowing that even though it doesn’t understand me, she listens. Bunny takes all the strawberries, still nestled between the flowers. I reach below, deciding to scoop it in my arms, squirming against my grip.
“If I leave you here, I’m worried someone might take you or hurt you. Can we be friends? I promise to give you lots of delicious berries and carrots. Even proper bunny food!”
Legend’s POV (this suits the vibe from here on)
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Let me be clear, there’s many times I’ve felt powerless, down right insulted. A dozen near death experiences that I’ve dealt with, but today’s a topper, and in this form I can’t get over the humiliation against this human.
It’s too exhausting to fight back, and my arms quickly feign with exhaustion, resigning defeat. She won’t shut up, talking to me about strawberries, comparing ME to strawberries.
“Can I name you Rose? You’re so pretty, or how about hmm…Azealia?”
Neither I want to tell her. I want her to shut up and let me go but here’s the game plan: Take her food and then find my exit strategy. If I could find my way around a dungeon and fight blood thirsty monsters, then it should be easy to escape from her. It’s real uncomfortable being squished against my will as she carries me, passing through weird narrow lanes and boxed up houses. Metallic monsters pass down concrete lanes, almost making me jump in surprise from their crystalline eyes. I must be ready for anything.
Yet this girl doesn’t seem phased at all, striding down merrily while keeping a tight lock on me.
“We’re almost home, I promise to take care of you Berry. I think I’ll call you Berry!”
It’s Link, you stupid girl. Who the hell calls their pet Berry?
Once we’re close to the door, I find all my might and leap out of her arms, racing as fast as I can with my stunted legs away from the door and cross onto the road.
Two giant, crystalline eyes face me, belonging to the metallic monster. There’s too many festering in this world. Death awaits, but if this is how it ends there’s nothing I can do, staring towards it.
“No! Berry!” The girl screams and steps in front of the metallic monster, hands reaching out and grabs me off the floor. A deafening screech echoes, and the monster stops with an aggressive horn blaring across the fields. Another human emerges, yelling at the girl, hurling a string of curses. She still holds me close, profusely apologising to him.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing trying to save that stupid rabbit on the road? You almost made me crash and YOU almost got run over! Just wait till I tell your parents.” She stops apologising, but what stings is the stupid rabbit.
Alright look, I’ve heard worse, seen worse. Fu*k, even Ravio taking over my home infuriates me but I’m used to that bastard. If only I had my sword then he’d regret every word.
“She’s not a stupid rabbit! She’s a living being just like us but you’re too cruel to understand!”
Okay, living being is terrible but acceptable.
The man curses again, slamming the door shut, riding off into his metallic monster. Still inside the girl’s arms I wriggle uncomfortably but pause, fat droplets hitting my head.
Shit. She’s crying.
“I’m so sorry Berry, I promise that won’t happen again, okay? I love you so much.” I stop, defeated.
This is going to be a difficult mission.
#legend of zelda#lu legend#lu warriors#lu wild#twilight lu#zelda oc#linked universe#legend lu#bunny#legend bunny#fanfic#link x reader#legend x reader#i dont know if i will finish this series but lets see if i do#Youtube
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i can feel a wave of depression building up rn ☹️😧
gonna read a bunch of cherik fics to settle it down before it gets too bad
#love having depression making me sad for no fuckin reason 🤨#if i didnt have a class soon i would watch dp#although don’t know how well that would help my mood#complete character butchering in it#charles got partially depressed after becoming bald#i feel you girl#i’m not bald tho#if someone tried to watch the xmen films in chronological order i wonder how confused they would be to see raven die and then come back#this is why you watch it by release order#still doesn’t make sense cause the writer haven’t got a clue on how to keep things consistent but anyway#my brain is being depressed but also trying to figure out how to structure a fic#i havent written one in years#i got the sense of it needing to be perfect first try#need to get rid of that mindset asap#i got the weirdest combo of being mentally ill and emotionally intelligent#it pisses me off sometimes#i don’t need a therapist i have myself telling me whats what#thats a lie i do need to talk to people#why can’t i think of cherik 24/7 why do i need to have problems? ☹️#anyway i’m bored and im gonna figure out what to do with myself before my class starts#prob read a fic figure out how these people write while also enjoy the stories#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#magneto#professor x
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I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc
#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people#I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I#need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself#That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings#And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends#But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc#I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting#Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there#And I think that’s what I need#I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for#One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually.#Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule#I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week#And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much#But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now .#Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.
#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that.#idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks#maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through#like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap#and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again#because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately#I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens#and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much#I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something#my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable#like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily#and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving#I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now.#but again… it’s a fear I have#idk what I’m even saying anymore.
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Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.
lol it’s underwater 🐠
#ugggghhhhh so sad#like genuinely I think my therapist rocks#he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me#I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy#I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks#between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday#I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot#and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say#I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden#and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting#I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately#I don’t know what I’m going to do#I have to believe it’ll get better#because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing#and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh#but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning#I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad#but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this#okay be safe#goodbye forever#text
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genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.
#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies#I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine#so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where#like girl WHYYYY#genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day#and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point#im starting to eat better and sleep more#like what the duck else do I do?#I genuinely feel like my brain is broken#I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day#like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad#and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable#and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th#mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol#my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel#comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else#hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to#I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t#want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school#so like what do I do#im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known#and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it#personal
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I hate being too lost in my own head, I wish I could just take it off and shake it so the the thoughts would scramble up and hopefully be too mixed to continue thinking about
#crow thoughts#I hate playing therapist in my head but someone has to fucking do it#cause god knows no one gonna help me understand how to actually seek a therapist#<- I also have to convince myself that I need one and that it’s okay for me to seek one cause man that still ain’t happening#someone flip the switch I’m begging you get my dumbass to stop putting a percentage on my pain to see if I deserve it#<- not rlly begging I’ll figure it out… eventually…#in the meantime someone inform my mom that knowing me at birth is not an excuse to tell me I don’t know myself#like man I don’t even think you know me anymore I don’t tell you shit#love you mom but also what the fuck!!!#delete later
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I think somethings rlly fucking wrong with me
#I smoke weed and it triggers a paranoia episode I smoke weed and it triggers wtf I’m in now or maybe it’s just the caffeine combined with#the lack of sleep I only slept 2 hours last night I couldn’t sleep but then I was in a super weird mood all of yesterday which was the day#after the weed so maybe it was that or maybe not or maybe it’s just cause I was on weed for so long that my Brian’s a little fucked up abou#it or maybe it’s my body craving more weed in the way caffeine addicts crave more coffee bc it’s a similar level of addiction except weed#makes you more high and I am buzzing I am shaking while holding perfectly still I came up with a weirdass fuckign plan I thought was genius#and was so fuckign pissed off for a minute there in a way I don’t usually get where I’m not murderous but I’m not thinking clearly either#and actually it was green while anger is usually red or orange (ik it’s basic fuck off) but yeah it’s probably just the caffeine it’s prob#just the caffeine rn#but what about all the other times I keep fuckign getting like this am I in a mental health slump or am I chronically depressed and was the#past month or so a hypomanic episode or am I just grabbing onto things the way I do#I’d talk to my therapist about it but she’s on vacation til September fuck I need to talk to her I can’t sort all this out#I can’t tell if the brain fog is making it worse or better bc I can’t work through my thoughts but I also can’t spiral as efficiently#I keep thinking and feeling these great grand things about myself I’m a beautiful person everyone is lucky to have me I have the best ideas#and no one else can see it bc I know better than everyone else but they all feel so hollow and it’s just the last two days or maybe just#today I can’t remember I can’t remember a lot of things but was it the weed? what’s happening to me whats always coming back to happen to m#vent
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I was like dude why am I spilling my guts to my parents even after everything and why am I risking letting something slip that I don’t want to, and how do I stop doing that. And then I realised that I’m trying to fix my parents’ relationship with my brother and I went ah. I need to stop trying to fix other people’s relationships because it is not my job as the child to explain emotional maturity to my parents, nor do I need to hear ‘there are always extenuating circumstances’ from my mother ever again.
#‘nothing happens in isolation’ I’m glad you’ll have that to tell yourself when my brother and I cut you off!#anne speaks#me and my stupid need to fix everything for everyone else#it’s like a compulsion.#I mean it’s not stupid. it lands me in trouble but it’s from a very small younger me trying to stop everyone fighting#but it’s up to my mother to pull her head out of her ass and make it up to my brother before he never speaks to her again#and it’s up to my father to deal with his anger issues before we both cut him off#affirmations: I will not put my mental health on the line by being overly vulnerable with my parents when it is not my place to be their#therapists#I will resist the urge to therapise them and I will grey rock more than I have been#dealing with times they hurt me these days will not be me explaining why they did what they did and telling them how to stop it#and showing the fleshy part of myself where it hurts#it will be them apologising and taking responsibility and showing understanding of the issue on their own#or I won’t entertain it#it’s just actually so hard when a good relationship with them is in my sights if they would just have an ounce of emotional maturity#but they don’t; and I need to tell the baby me who is so desperately hopeful for them to stop hurting her#that it’s not her fault they don’t love her properly; it was never her fault and it’s not her responsibility to make it work
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On one hand dragonflies are the dragons of the bug world. Flying leviathans and omens of death. More than that, they ARE death. But, on the other hand, they are only bugs.
I can respect a dragonfly, but the dragonfly does not know respect. It’s intelligence stops at its digestive system linked eyesight. It knows food and force and nothing else. I know more than a dragonfly, but am I better?
Some will say I have sentience and conscious thought, that I have purpose.
Is that what being better is?
Is that better than being a Force of nature? Than having a purpose so set into your being that your body reflects it? Than never feeling ennui or doubt?
I’m not sure if I am better than the dragonfly. I’m not sure we’re even on equal ground. I’m not sure the dragonfly would ever need to respect me.
#early’s vent tag#back on my ‘convincing myself my friends aren’t only tolerating me’ grind#I should probably tell my therapist#but she’s just gonna ask me what evidence I have that they don’t like me#and I don’t have any😒 so I’m just gonna look stupid#and then I’m gonna feel like I’m being dramatic#I need to stop feeling like this every 4 days#early and bugs
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~ ~ ~
#I really am so fucking pathetic#sitting here crying for over an hour because you didn’t talk to me today#cause that’s really all it boils down to I suppose even though it feels worse to me#and I know tomorrow I’ll go in to see my therapist and not mention any of this happening#I’ll tell him the good things that happened since last session and talk about my girlfriend and shit like that#because as far as he knows I already cut our friendship off but I can’t tell him I didn’t because I don’t want to look weak/foolish#ironic isn’t it that I’m going to therapy to get better with things like this and still don’t feel comfortable talking about these issues#the good news is that I think I wore myself out with all the tears and can probably fall asleep pretty quickly if I try#maybe I should actually end this friendship if this is what it does to me#because I know this isn’t healthy but fuck I just can’t keep losing people no matter how toxic they are#I don’t have enough friends as it is so I don’t want to lose any more#abandonment issues are kicking in heavily right now#I just feel so damn stupid and worthless right now#crying over you like any of this matters at all#I just need to get all my emotions removed so I don’t have to keep going through this kind of dumb shit#mental issues are a bitch#personal
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I’m fucking disabled
#I had this conversation with my therapist last week. I’ll give you the secret HIPAA breaking rundown#I HATE calling myself disabled#I don’t know why. there’s no shame in it. it’s just ya know it’s just what I am#but I still can’t get it into my head that yes I’m kinda fucking disabled#because here I am sitting on this creaky futon unable to understand anything anyone is saying to me bc my hearing is so bad#it’s a bad hearing day! it happens! some days are good! today is very much not so good!#so I told my therapist I’m way cool with telling people I have mental health issues#but when it comes to hearing it’s ‘oh no I’m not REALLY disabled. I just uhhhhh can’t uhhh fuckin hear sometimes 🤷🏻♂️ that’s normal right?’#and he’s like no my sweet boy you are disabled you need to own that shit#okay… he didn’t say it like that but this is my flashback please let me have this#let me be a sweetie boy in my own mind#he said it’s usually the reverse: people don’t like to admit mental health issues but will mention physical disabilities#I just… I spent 30 something years with great hearing and then it all just got taken from me out of the blue and no one knows why#and I hate that. I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry and scared and alone#and I hate admitting that yes I am disabled. like really disabled. it feels like defeat.#and it shouldn’t. like I said it’s just kinda what I am now. It’s like saying I breathe or I’m allergic to birds. it just is me.#sorry I’m just having a rough day#I got about an hour of sleep and now I’m holding down the fort while a home inspector and the new buyer look through the house#and I can’t talk to either of them. I can’t understand them talking to each other. it’s isolating.#I have therapy later and I’m hoping I’ll be able to communicate and hear during it. I really just need someone to talk to#I miss talking to people in person. I can still do that it just can take a bit of work and I hate subjecting people to putting up with me#I feel so needy. I just want some human connection. I want to know I can still make this work.#gosh this is whiny. sorry about that. just needed a quick vent to get me through the next few hours#anyway I love you. probably. maybe… ehhh#you can ignore this#text
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#honestly I can’t do this much longer#everything is awful all the time I wake up feeling awful I go to work feeling awful i go to sleep feeling awful#nothing is fun anymore#I don’t want to do anything anymore#I’m so fucking exhausted and it’s fucking pathetic#I literally don’t know how much longer I can do this for#every day it takes so much energy just to do the bare minimum#and nothing is enjoyable I don’t want to do anything but fucking sleep forever#I just… i don’t know what to do#I need help but no one understands when I try to tell them what’s happening#my mom thinks I’m blaming everything on my autism so I’m not even trying to get better#but god I’m trying SO HARD everything is just so much effort and so draining#and she still says I need to go out and see people more exercise more eat better sleep better go back to school etc.#I just can’t do it anymore I don’t know what to do#I can’t even talk to my therapist because she just raised her prices and I can’t afford it anymore#and I know my friends are sick of hearing it since I’m like this literally every day#fuck me I hate myself so so much why do I have to be like this#tw: self hatred#tw: despair
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So
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90 notes: I’ll post some random shit I’ve been planning to post forever
160 notes: I’ll post a chapter of a fic I have drafted on Ao3 (y’all if I don’t post it before Oct 2 it’ll automatically delete itself so please save my fic before it’s too late oml)
250 notes: I’ll start going on walks at least once a week (I really need motivation)
370 notes: I’ll tell my best friend some big news about my identity (why am I so scared? Idk)
530 notes: I’ll post an audio of me singing something (you can wish for any song in the comments if you like!)
1660 notes: I’ll post a lot of shit I have in my Tumblr drafts + I’ll gather the courage ask my friends for a little money so I can buy myself my own phone (I need a second one in case anything bad happens to me and I have to run away from home. No, I won’t elaborate.)
1850 notes: I’ll take more time to do the things I love this winter.
2000 notes: I’ll wear my lesbian pin in front of my mum and hope she sees it.
2300 notes: I’ll tell my therapist a lot of things… things she probably needs to know but I’m scared to tell her.
2800 notes: I’ll try to talk to my crush in school. Small talk, okay? Nothing more. I’m so scared don’t make me do it-
3100 notes: I’ll finish reading Art Heist, Baby! (No. Please.)
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I won’t be tagging anyone because y’all are insane and I’ll be forced to keep my promises… sigh
ONLY TWO NOTES PER PERSON!!! Edit: Yup only 2 notes. Can y’all tell I really don’t wanna do all this lol
DOBT MAKE MUNOIST GET TO 2800 BECAISE I DONT WANT TO DO WHAT MY FROEMD WANST ME TO DO AJSHSJSJSJ
#ellastag#ahb#art heist baby!#gender identity#sexuality#to do list#yourlocalbadgerscales#motivation#crushes
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