#maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

athetos · 1 year ago

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Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.

#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that.#idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks #maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through #like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap #and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again #because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately #I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens #and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much #I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something #my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable #like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily #and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving #I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now.#but again… it’s a fear I have #idk what I’m even saying anymore.

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