#I need to stop feeling like this every 4 days
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piscespetals · 13 hours ago
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summary: in which sevika becomes your boss at The Last Drop
content: this fic is another multi-chapter work! i hope you enjoy.
content warning for this fic: depiction of sa (this chapter only), blood, slight gore/fight scenes, cursing, sexually explicit content. pretty heavy topics to be honest, it makes a lot of commentary on how it's like to live in Zaun. since this chapter has an sa scene (very lightly detailed scene but still hints to it), if you would like to skip that part, there will be three asterisks (***) that indicate when the scene begins and when it stops so that you can do what's safer for you. sa will not be talked about alot in depth for the rest of the chapters, and i will give a content warning to chapters that hint or reference it.
word count: 3k
thanks for reading!
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Part One
When you are first hired at the Last Drop, it only takes 4 hours for Sevika’s name to circulate the building and make its way towards you. 
The first time you spot her, she is brushing through a crowd of drunkards, seemingly not wanting to be approached with an expression as hard as stone. The tall woman, attractive and large as she may be, is intimidating. Her figure, although only in your line of vision for a few seconds, is something made of pure muscle and height. You know that she could easily tower over you if she wanted. 
Despite her quick and fast entrance, it only takes your first day to realize that Sevika isn’t someone that you fuck around with. And based on the way that your coworkers and supervisors tense at the mere mention of her name, it’s obvious that she’s someone important here.
Throughout your first month at the Last Drop, any other appearances of Sevika is no different. Her steel cold stare could freeze anyone to death. You’ve seen her drag people upstairs only for them to never come back down (who knows what she or Silco did with the body?). You’ve seen the way she dominates the deadliest men–how she doesn't let them silence her. 
How she challenges them…
You've also seen the way that your coworkers have gotten their heart broken, hoping to be the one-night-stand turned lover that changes Sevika’s promiscuous ways. And every time, your coworkers end up heartbroken. Gender doesn’t really seem to matter with Sevika. She’s ruthless with everyone. She’s mean.
And, God, you really hate how much you like mean women.
At first, you thought it was amusing to be pining after her. It isn’t surprising, since you've had your fair share of passionate romances (and heartbreaks) with people similar to Sevika. Like a moth drawn to a flame, you can’t seem to stay away from them.
But now it’s been over a month and you can't help but wonder when the crush will dissipate. At this point, it's entirely inconvenient.
You've managed to keep yourself out of the limelight for the majority of your time at the Drop. You’ve found your rhythm by staying in the kitchen, away from the wandering eyes of questionable strangers. Away from Sevika.
But that only lasts for so long.
Amy, your boss, manages to shatter your Switzerland bubble on a Thursday evening at noon. It’s exactly the last thing you want to hear: “I need you to swap schedules with Janessa,” Amy barks.
It isn’t a suggestion or question. It’s a demand. 
Your mouth opens to object, already feeling that familiar pang of agitation within you. But Amy doesn’t hang around long enough to hear. 
“Thanks!” She calls over her shoulder, briskly walking behind the counter and towards the kitchen.
Your teeth grind and your jaw clenches. With balling fists, you stand there for a few more minutes. Trying to simmer down. Trying not to get fired.
You cook. You make new recipes. You may even help the dishwashers every once in a while (especially on nights that are packed). 
But you don’t buss and you don’t wait. That’s Janessa’s ballpark. She’s known as one of the best waiters in town. Her reputation followed her as she hopped in between different restaurants before landing at The Last Drop for good. She’s usually quick, efficient, polite but not too polite (no one ever could be considering the kind of people that this job attracts). 
The idea of Janessa swapping places with you in order to cook an overwhelming amount of food under the pressure of constant verbal abuse? That doesn’t sound right. 
Well, it doesn’t sound like something she would willingly do.
“I tried to help you out,” Max, your coworker, whispers. He clicks his tongue while washing down the countertop of the bar. You forgot that you were holding a conversation with him before Amy interrupted. “I overheard her talking to Nessa about it and offered the swap.” Max blinks through his thick lashes, which are covered with clumps of purple mascara, before he makes eye contact with you. “The bitch told me I wasn't qualified. Can you believe it?”
You snort underneath your breath, nearly choking at the idea of such a conversation happening.
Max—a petite curly-haired himbo with stunning hazel eyes and nails long enough to claw your heart out—most certainly isn't a popular bartender due to his skills. He has charisma, a charming personality and a smile that can make anyone stop in their tracks. He’s willing to listen to anyone that needs a shoulder to cry on (which is almost always every regular that comes here),  and he doesn’t mind sucking up to Amy as long as it means that he has full control of the bar. He’s been employed here long before Amy’s time, which you truly believe is his saving grace.
He knows the history, the neighborhood— the business very well.
But mixing drinks? Not his strong suit.
Seeing him out on the level ground with numerous tables to handle would be comical. A train wreck for sure, but definitely comical.
“Did she say why Nessa was swapping?” Self consciously, you peer at the rest of the pub over your shoulder. Everyone is seemingly out of earshot but it doesn’t hurt to be sure.
Max’s shoulders tense. He stops his scrubbing, right hand still holding onto his soaked disinfecting cloth as he sends you a sidelong glance. “Not my place to tell.”
The hairs stand up on your arms as you register his reply.
The sound of the entrance door opening is what shatters your reverie. Just like that, Max’s shoulders relax. A smile spreads across his face, this time not quite reaching his eyes, as he looks towards the door. “Welcome to The Last Drop!” He says, voice dipping into that flirtatious cadence you know all too well.
That is all he is going to say on the matter. You know Max doesn’t like gossiping about people’s shit. And your coworkers definitely have a lot of messy situations throughout their employment here. He wants no relation to any of it. 
You pick up on the hint, instead swallowing your curiosity and looking at the incoming customer. It’s one of the workers from the brothel across the street. She’s a leggy brunette with towering stilettos and a resting bitch face as cold as stone. She’s just as unapproachable as the last time you saw her. But there’s a spark in her eye when she regards Max. Based on her last few visits, you’ve grown to learn that she’s taking a liking to him.
“Well, that's my cue. I’ll leave you to…do your thing,” You mumble, fighting off a smirk. Max peers at you with a quizzical expression as you gesture vaguely to the bar around you. “Or whatever nonsense you do up here…”
“Hmph,” He rolls his eyes. “Shouldn't you be back there making shepherd's pie or something?”
“You mean working? Something you're not familiar with, I’m sure.”
“With a face card like this? I’m too fabulous to work.” He winks before gesturing towards his face. “A reality you're not familiar with, I’m sure.”
A laugh erupts out of you as you click your tongue. You’re walking towards the kitchen, ready to clock out for the day and finally rest, when you hear the lady of the night approach the bar. You believe her name to be Scarlett, and her voice is a low and silky murmur while she addresses Max.
When you glance over your shoulder, you can't help but notice the way her cleavage spills over her frilly corset top. Her braids are pulled into a bun on top of her head, eyes alluring as she peers at Max through thick long lashes.
Too caught up in all the glamor that Scarlett is, you walk right into a nearby wall (because that is unfortunately what happens whenever beautiful women are near you). 
Max and Scarlett immediately glance at you. Max, with that all-knowing smirk, and Scarlett's raised eyebrow is enough to make you want to dig yourself a grave.
But you don't. Instead, you clear your throat, apologize and shuffle to the kitchen with haste.
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The air is thick with cigarette smoke.
That’s one of the reasons why you hate waiting. 
You don’t mind occasionally working in such an atmosphere. After all, you are one of the few chefs that regularly make an appearance everyday. So you’ve grown accustomed to walking through the boisterous crowds of smokers and drunken belligerents before and after your shifts.
But then, for the rest of the shit, you usually find solace in the kitchen—swallowed by plates and dishes and food and ingredients—which is more your forte.
“Hey pretty lady,” A bald, greasy buff man grumbles. His eyes are set on you yet simultaneously far away. Out of focus. “I’m getting hungry. Why don't you come over here and serve me?” Then he winks with a shit-eating grin that makes you queasy.
“You're not in my section,” You reply dryly with a shrug. “But I'll let Dylan know that you're ready to order.” 
“I don't want Dylan,” His eyes linger on your chest, before trailing down your entire physique. It's almost as if he allows his entire train of thought to become visible for everyone to read. 
Your teeth grind as you quickly scan the room once more. Dylan said that he was stepping out for a 5 minute smoke break 40 minutes ago. 
There's a part of you that doesn't want to give in. You don't mind being the one coworker that won't take on more tables than absolutely necessary. Especially when you were voluntold to switch job roles with someone you barely even know, and without even being told why.
If it wasn't so hard to find a job lately, you're pretty sure Amy’s management within itself would be enough encouragement for you to quit. But you really, really need the money. Despite the toxic work environment and occasional harassment from drunk citizens, this is the closest you've come to financial stability in years. You can’t afford to fuck it up.
A heavy exhale leaves you as you shift your feet. “Have you had a chance to look over the menu?” You ask, eying the man with distaste.
His grin widens. “No. What do you suggest?”
“Well, we offer a lot of stuff really. If you're in the mood for something more fulfilling, we have different stew dumplings. I'm not sure about your allergies though, most of the stews here are made with—”
“Surprise me,” Then he gives you another once over.
There is a part of you, a small part, that's tempted to reach across the table and rip out his eyes. You hate the feeling you experience when men unabashedly undress you with their eyes; especially when it’s from creepy old men. 
Even more so when said men don't know how to respect boundaries.
But you ignore the idea of doing such a thing. Instead, you turn on your heels and walk away.
Or, at least, you try to walk away. 
***
A tight grip wraps around your wrist, pulling so abruptly that you nearly fall over. It happens so fast that you barely register it. A breath, hot and pungent with liquor, travels across the base of your neck before meeting your nose. “You didn't ask me if I wanted anything to drink.” The man adds, voice low and gravelly.
Then more is happening...
And that's what makes you snap. 
Within seconds, you're reaching for your knife, which you had previously placed inside the pocket of your apron. 
A fire courses through your veins as you retract the blade.
“What the fuck!” The man yells, letting go of your wrist. He presses a palm against his right cheek, which now has a wide gash that is gushing with blood.
***
You don't give him time to say anything else. Your elbow comes in contact with his throat, jabbing his windpipe with as much force as possible. He staggers from the impact, landing with his back on top of the table behind him as he gasps for air.
Your knife, now dripping with his blood, digs into his chest. You hold it there, watching him wince when you apply pressure.
“If you ever so much as breathe in my direction again,” You mutter darkly. He’s squirming uncomfortably, a pool of blood soaking through his shirt as your knife continues to pierce his chest.
The pub has grown eerily silent and the heavy weight of countless eyes begins to register.
“I…I-I,” The man underneath splutters in shock. Beads of sweat gather around his forehead as he peers up at you through a cloud of fear. Thirty minutes ago, you’d have been surprised to find him roughed up by someone half his size, especially considering how large his biceps are. 
But then again, The Last Drop seems to be filling up with tons of useless goons nowadays.
“We’ll deal with him.” The voice that breaks your reverie is unrecognizable—feminine and raspy. 
That's when your head snaps up and you realize just how tense the atmosphere has become. Many citizens watch you silently, some mouths ajar while others look ready to egg you on. It's never really a typical Friday night at this place without people trying to drunkenly fight each other.
It's rare, though, that  employees become the main culprit.
Something moves closer to you—a person. “Hey, it's alright. I-”
Still on edge, you're quick to react. You inhale sharply, grip tightening around your knife with reflexes that feel like second nature.
A low growl fills the air, the sound of metal colliding with metal following soon after. Then your blade is being knocked out of your hand, something powerful grabbing both of your arms.
A flash of grey, the smell of cigarillo. Warmth. Undeniable warmth.
“Woah, it's just me." The voice is so close, yet so far away.
"Look-" Then... "Maxwell, I need you to come and help." The voice speaks again. This time even firmer. A woman’s voice. 
When your vision adjusts, you lock gazes with a pair of stormy grey irises. They're merely inches from yours, peering down at you with a gaze that is steady. 
That's when you realize that you can't move because she's practically towering over you. Holding you.
It’s Sevika.
You must have tried to attack her, clearly caught off guard. Surely, you hadn't meant to. For a split second, you lost it and now here she comes, seemingly out of nowhere. It was merely a reflex—a fight or flight response.
“It's me. Sevika," She announces, voice sharp as if she's trying to to speak through a wall. "I'm having them take him upstairs. He’ll be dealt with,” She repeats, almost as if it's a promise. She searches your eyes, grip loosening around your arms, “I’ll make sure of it.” She adds. Despite her expression being made of steel, there's something that flickers in her eyes. It appears only for a millisecond but it's glaring enough to somehow recenter you.
Her shoulders appear to relax when you start to feel present in the room again.
She waits for you to reply. And waits.
And waits.
And waits some more.
Then, “I can handle myself,” Is all that you manage to say. 
She stares at you for longer. You can see the gears in her brain shifting, but you aren't exactly sure of what to anticipate next, or even how to accept the fact that you just tried to attack your boss with a pocket knife.
“I’ve got her,” This time, the source is coming from someone familiar. Max. “It's okay,” He whispers, drawing closer. You feel him before you see him. The tips of his claw-like nails brush against your shoulders as he gingerly grabs a hold of you. 
Only then is when Sevika breaks your gaze, this time turning to Max. “Staff lounge.” The brute woman orders. 
“I’m fine.” You counter. 
The edge in your voice says otherwise.
“...Then I need you to grab Amy,” She continues, completely disregarding you. “I would like to know why we have a chef waiting tables during the busiest rush of the week—”
“I don’t need to go anywhere,” You press, voice raising a few decibels.
Sevika jaw’s clenches, icy eyes flickering towards you. “You nearly decapitated someone. You—”
“...I have four hours left. I will leave when my shift is complete.”
Her nose flares. “Lounge. Now.”
Before you can reply, she’s turning on her heels and walking away.
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Unfortunately, Max agrees with Sevika.
It’s apparent in the way he immediately grabs your shoulders after her departure. Every citizen seems to be watching the entire escapade because this is the quietest you’ve ever heard the pub be during a rush hour.
“I’m fine!” You hiss, frustrated by the whole ordeal. You are perfectly capable of defending yourself. You don't need staff members to coddle you. “Seriously.”
Max doesn’t reply, merely huffing underneath his breath as he guides you past the bar and towards a back hallway that leads to another room. 
When the two of you have reached the lounge, he finally says, “You're shaking.”
Your eyebrows furrow. “What?”
He leans forward, grabbing both of your hands,“ You're shaking.” He repeats, looking at you dead in the eyes. That's when he lets go and you peer down at your palms.
A frown spreads across your lips at the sight of your trembling fingers.
“You nearly killed the guy,” Max continues. “Where did you learn to fight like that?”
“It was only self-defense.”
“I'm not saying you were in the wrong,” A flicker of worry meets Max’s eyes. “That asshole deserves everything you did to him, probably more, But,” He winces. His gaze trails off to a distant place behind you. “Chef’s don’t usually do what you just did.”
Before you can reply to Max, the door flings open. In walks the petite redhead that you instantly knew to be Amy. She’s light on her feet, eyes alert and face flushed. At first, you’re surprised to see her in such a state. 
Shortly, though, Sevika enters the room. Then it all makes sense.
Sevika’s domineering in all aspects and has a ferocious air about her that can make anyone feel...tense. 
You thought she was the last of it, but another pair of footsteps walk-in behind her. 
“S-Sorry,” The person stammers, side stepping so they can scurry around Sevika and find a chair to sit in. The person is Dylan.
“This won't take long,” Sevika announces. She seems annoyed, not even looking at anyone else in the room. “Starting tomorrow, nothing about tonight will be brought up again. Now, Amy.” She turns to Amy, who instantly shrinks in her chair. “Why wasn't Janessa on the floor tonight?”
There's a beat of hesitation before, “She's working the kitchen now.”
Sevika’s nose flares. “If you moved her because of last week, I want you to think over your explanation very carefully.”
Another beat drags. Amy blinks. She gapes. She blinks once more. Her cheeks are tomato red at this point. “I-”
Sevika presses on. “Did Silco somehow change his mind?” 
“...No.”
“So you deliberately went against Silco’s orders and switched Janessa to the kitchen. Meanwhile,” Sevika’s eyes flicker to you. Your stomach lurches. “You make our only competent chef work the floor, after I told you that she isn't up for debate. And you expect me to show you mercy?”
Amy doesn't answer. She's on the verge of tears, which shocks you.
Amy is a bitch.
She’s known for brutally reaming people for simply breathing wrong. She doesn’t hold back and she doesn’t mind doing it in front of customers either. You know her to be stone cold. Heartless. Void of compassion and depth.
You never thought that you’d see the day where she’d get her ass handed to her.
Sevika turns to you, face filled with hard lines and calculating orbs. She stares at you for a few moments. You don't quite understand if she’s sizing you up or mentally chastising you. But you wait for her to fully collect her thoughts.
“If anyone touches you like that again,” She slowly begins, voice low. “You do what needs to be done. Whatever that means to you. Do you understand?” 
Your muscles freeze at her words.
No questioning? No reprimands?
“You aren't mad?” You clear your throat.
You were fully expected to get reamed for tonight.
Sevika raises an eyebrow, “Do you want me to be?”
Heat spreads across your body. You don't answer her question, deciding to move on. “Does Silco know about tonight?”
She grows more perplexed, “Do you want Silco to know?”
In the corner of your eye, you watch how stiff the rest of the staff members become. The room is so quiet that you nearly hear a pin drop.
It’s obvious that Silco finding out about this would cause a shit show.
Sevika takes your silence as an answer. 
“None of this will be mentioned again after tonight.” She breaks eye contact and turns to the rest of the room. “Is that clear?”
Everyone nods.
“And Dylan?”
Dylan jumps at the sound of his name. “Huh? I mean, yes? Y-Yes, ma’am?”
“If you disappear for that long again, you won't have a job to come back to.”
“Yes, ma’am. I-I mean,” Dylan blinks with swimming eyes. “Sorry.”
Sevika chooses then to shove her human hand into her pocket, glancing at you once more. When she retracts it, you notice that there is something shiny and silver that she's holding.
Your knife.
Silently, she holds it towards you. 
When your feet stay planted—brain struggling to process everything that's happening—she exhales heavily, evidently becoming impatient.
Clearing your throat, you force yourself to close the distance. You grab your knife, knuckles grazing her palm, which ignites a static shock. Your fingers jump away from her instantly. If the skin contact startled her, her face doesn’t give it away.
“Thank you,” Is all that you say. You hate how vulnerable you sound.
She merely nods. Then, “He's upstairs, by the way. Definitely suffering from what you did to him but not harmed any further." She pauses, rubbing her lips together. "Did you want to come upstairs? It's your call on how you would like him to be handled."
You eyes widen at the realization.
She took him upstairs to do god know what (everyone knows that if Sevika takes you upstairs for any other reason than discussing business, then you probably aren't coming back down). You'd never thought she would include employees in such a thing.
Even with a matter such as this.
"I'll give you ten minutes to think about it," She continues on. "If you decide to come upstairs, he'll be waiting. Otherwise, go home. Tomorrow you'll return to the kitchen.” Then she turns on her heels, adding, “Amy, I expect your desk to be cleaned out by midnight.” Before she walks away. 
In the midst of her departure, your eyes begin to burn. 
Max and Dylan are already stepping out of the room, completely shaken up by the entire situation.
Being reprimanded by Sevika is never on anyone’s bucket list.
You idle there for a while, letting all of the events replay in your mind as your muscles start to unspool. Fidgeting with your knife, you allow the blade to extend. That’s when you notice that his blood has been cleaned off and your blade sharpened.
Amy wails pathetically while curling into herself. 
Her cries are nothing more than brown noise at this point. You're too preoccupied by the hammering of your heart, and the way that Sevika’s words have tattooed themselves onto your hippocampus:
If anyone touches you like that again, you do what needs to be done.
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diazsdimples · 2 days ago
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🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️ 🕵️‍♂️♾️ (This one already has a chokehold on me)
30 sentences of the most niche AU I've created 😅 + another 9 for the infinity symbol.
He comes to a stop in the foyer, his eyes straying to the large grandfather clock ticking away merrily in the corner. It’s 4 o’clock now, meaning his parents’ dinner party begins in 2 hours, and there’s still another 7 until he’s due to meet the contact. Leaning against the banister of the grand marble staircase, Buck ponders his instructions. Look for the beginning of new life. That line in particular confuses Buck. Bryant Park hasn’t had new trees planted since the Fuhrer visited in the late 40’s, and unless Josephine Shaw Lowell had something to do with obstetrics, he’s completely at a loss. Life can begin in many different ways, but he struggles to connect it with the location. There’s a large stretch of lawn behind the fountain, sweeping up to the steps of the public library. Maybe new life could equate to new ideas, that one might get from reading a book? Buck shakes his head, trying to clear his mind. He’s overthinking it and he need to catch himself before he spirals and panics. There can be no room for error tonight. He turns on his heel to make his way to the library, eager to find something to take him out of his head for a moment, when a loud tut from behind him stops him in his tracks. With the familiar sinking feeling of dread, Buck turns to face his father. “Your mother is hosting a dinner party with some of the most influential members of the Nazi party in 2 hours, and you’re not even dressed yet? What have you been doing?” Buck bites his lip before he says something stupid like “committing the highest form of treason by conspiring to overthrow the Fuhrer and drive the Nazis from out country.” Instead, he takes a deep breath through his nose, pulling his face into a neutral expression. He won’t give his father a reason to be angry with him. “Reading a book Maddie sent me,” he replies coolly. His father rolls his eyes and adjusts one of the shining golden domes on the sleeve of his crisp uniform. Buck has always hated the way he insists on strutting around in that godforsaken uniform every day, looking like a prized peacock with his medals and shiny buttons. “The Reich doesn’t like men who have the heads in books, Evan. They’re of no use to us.” His tone drips with disapproval, but Buck is too accustomed to it for there to be any real effect on him. “I’m sorry to be such a disappointment, Father,” he replies stiffly. “I’ll make sure I don’t disgrace you in front of your – ah – friends.” His father narrows his eyes but says nothing more, dismissing Buck with a jerked nod of his head. Buck takes the stairs two at a time and makes a beeline for his room. He slams the solid oak door and leans against it, breathing heavily. Maddie. Mentioning his sister to his father had made his gut twist with guilt. She won’t know what happened to him when the news of his disappearance reaches her. His parents likely won’t do much other than the expected reports with the police. They won’t search for him like they would have done if it were Daniel. Maddie forever think she’s lost another baby brother. He can’t do that to her. Running a hand through his hair, Buck crosses the room in 2 long strides and throws himself at his desk, rummaging through the drawers for a piece of paper and a fountain pen. He reaches for the battered copy of Charlotte’s Web, their favourite book as children, and thumbs through until he reaches the cipher at the very back, before he begins to write.
Tagging @theotherbuckley @daffi-990 @jesuisici33 @spotsandsocks and @steadfastsaturnsrings for potential interest
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deviousdayz · 1 year ago
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On one hand dragonflies are the dragons of the bug world. Flying leviathans and omens of death. More than that, they ARE death. But, on the other hand, they are only bugs.
I can respect a dragonfly, but the dragonfly does not know respect. It’s intelligence stops at its digestive system linked eyesight. It knows food and force and nothing else. I know more than a dragonfly, but am I better?
Some will say I have sentience and conscious thought, that I have purpose.
Is that what being better is?
Is that better than being a Force of nature? Than having a purpose so set into your being that your body reflects it? Than never feeling ennui or doubt?
I’m not sure if I am better than the dragonfly. I’m not sure we’re even on equal ground. I’m not sure the dragonfly would ever need to respect me.
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josecariohca · 23 days ago
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#pausing my essay to make a tumblr post in the hopes it will stop my panic attack bc uhhh what do you mean its november#what do you mean time for these applications are running out what do you mean i have to write 4 essays what do you mean my brain wont work#because i have the brain wont work disorder what do you mean i have to also keep on top of my grandparents bc now that im not with them#my grandmother has essentially stopped taking her alzheimers medication and my grandfather is just lying about her condition#what do you mean i didnt get the scholarship i wanted (listen this isnt a shock to me it was highly competitive and i figured i wouldnt#get it) (BUT STILL) so now im hauling absolute ass trying to get a job where my mom works so we can share the car#and im STILL constantly thinking of my grandma who i know is miserable where she is bc theyre alone and i know theyre lonely and miss me#and theyve asked about me every single day since we got back from brasil and im trying not to feel guilty bc i know thats pointless#but its also hard not to hurt for them and also i have to WRITE THIS FUCK ASS ESSAY WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS ROT IN BED#AND SHINY HUNT BC I MISS SHINY HUNTING AND ALSO IM GETTING MY PERIOD SOON AND IM BREAKING OUT AND#I MISS MY BED AND WRITING FUN STUFF AND MY FRIENDS AND NOT FEELING LIKE AN IMPENDING CLOUD OF DOOM AND DESPAIR#IS HOVERING OVER ME AND GETTING CLOSER WITH EACH PASSING DAY#hm. not helping with getting rid of my panic attack. maybe i need. to have a small cry and then some water.#okay bye for now 🫰🥰#personal
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anambermusicbox · 6 months ago
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if someone told me 5 years ago that i would be crying regularly because of a musical artist i would’ve thought they were insane
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6mayhem · 17 days ago
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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katyobsesses · 4 months ago
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bunnyb34r · 4 months ago
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I wish my brain could be fucking normal for once :/
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kittlyns · 7 months ago
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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pepprs · 1 year ago
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june 27th give it up for june 27th
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#purrs#delete later#sure would be an INFINITELY more special and auspicious day if there wasn’t going to be • thunderstorms all day • a budget meeting • two#back to back orientations where i am going to have to take on 2X THE FACILITATION ROLESSSSS 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 bc we’re doing that now. LMFAOOOOOO#<- and by that i mean splitting up the facilitation so instead of 4 ppl shari ng responsibility for talking AND doing logistics there’s 2#ppl talking and 2 ppl doing logistics. and mutuals need i remind you that facilitating this specific session requires being extremely high#energy and mobile and getting ppl ‘hyped’ and there are 383729473 reasons why that is difficult for me to do in front of 100+ new students#plus three cofacilirators i am scared of / intimidated by for various reasons. im going to be sick soooo genuinely. i HATE this 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣#anyways yeah. today is my one year anniversary and also my first day as an fte so. 🫠 and one year ago today was pretty awful too like my#first day was actually extremely extremely bad and i cried like multiple times every day that week bc it kept getting worse so. love how#things have changed so substantially since then and the things that triggered me on that day aren’t an issue anymore <3 (they are very much#still an issue it’s just the specific people involved have changed bc half the ppl working here including one of my dearest closest#mentors who was deeply involved in that situation have left the university and now it is utterly unrecognizable and every day i wake up in#an alternate universe i know deep down i am not supposed to be in and yet im trapped in it irreversibly and this IS my universe now. lolll 🥰#)) also ik it’s stupid to still be grieving over this but like. the entire way it all went down + the fact that it even did in the first#place and the STAGGGERING consequences of it. are kind of insane. every new development makes me feel more and more like im living in a fake#reality and nothing that is happening is supposed to be happening and im dreaming it all but it’s a bad dream. and idk how to accept#that this is NOT. a dream and that what happened happened and now i have to live with it and stop curling in on myself like a prey animal an#and isolating myself from everyone i love and taking every single conceivable situation badly. like tfw da therapy isn’t working 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#anyways i need to go get ready and practice the fucking 16 page facilitation guide 🙄 see u on the other side lol
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youjustwaitsunshine · 1 year ago
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just had an unreasonably bitchy reaction, see yall in 20 minutes when im crying because i was unreasonably bitchy
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milo-is-rambling · 2 years ago
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
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#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and#then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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thursdayg1rl · 2 years ago
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ok no dicking about now im going into exam mode
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snailobituaries · 2 years ago
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That’s it. Bard alum are never allowed to play root again unless they graduated >10 years ago or have a note from their doctor saying they don’t have a inferiority complex or a gear fetish
#back in my day...#YOUR DAY WAS TWO YEARS AGO SHUT UP!!!!!#why do you only have a 1/8 inch to 1/8 inch TRS cable#you need an aux to 1/4 inch#ITS NEVER BEEN A PROBLEM BEFORE STOP SHOWING OFF#It's just always so plainly obvious with these types that they have never secured a gig without a substantial amount of (bard-adjacent)#connections but want to make current bard students THINK that they are some sort of big time hot shot artist#you played THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA last semester hot shot#slow your roll#and I always let it get to me!#every time!#because like them I am also insecure about my place in the imaginary music scene#as a venue manager and a technician#It's like they always go out of their way to not-so-subtly remind me that I am a STUDENT manager for a STUDENT venue and have a STUDENT'S#understanding of music tech#and barely even that#They need me to know my place because they have no idea what there's is#Playing at their former (barely) college venue brings up all these feelings about the trajectory of their professional careers and identity#as a musician and an artist#And they take alllllllll that insecurity#and put it into a big ol slimy bucket#and dump it on my FUCKING HEAD#and oh huh weird coincidence it's always cishet men how TOTALLY BIZARRE#I know the best response would be to shrug it off#oh we don't have the equipment you wanted#sorry we're DIY baby I do not know what you are talking about and I do not care#unfortunately i care A LOT#I CARE WAY TOO MUCH WHICH IS WHY THERE'S NOT GARBAGE PILED SO HIGH IN THE BATHROOM YOU CANT OPEN THE DOOR LIKE HOW IT WAS IN YOUR DAY#WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE GO GET A GIG AT AVALON OR SOMETHING#I think I need to start carrying my clonopin around with me at all times
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niallandtommo · 2 years ago
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dsfjjshgffdg · 2 years ago
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going to the store was so worth it i got to say hi to the little (3 months old iirc?) puppy again and this rlly nice smooth collie .. owner was like "they can tell u like dogs!" Fuck man i sure do
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