#i cant go back and fix it though
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Do you see my vision or something
#my art#digital art#eloquent countenance#forcas eloquent countenance#erm. i didn't look at any references while doing this so i apologize in advance#but my vision is um. claws and fangs :)#I REALIZED I MADE HIS TIE TOO DARK WAHH#i cant go back and fix it though#IT GETS MY POINT ACROSS THOUGH#doodles#studio investigrave
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EVERYBODY DEMO RELEASE CRAB RAVE
#I CANT FIX THE FORMAT OF THIS THING CUZ I'M NOT ON PC BUT LOOK#i cant play i gotta go to school but i be back and i will obsess i promise#dude also their last names are Graves#you could have told me that earlier nemlei#that's so cool though imagine having children named gravea#luna's lowkey#the coffin of andy and leyley#ashley#andrew
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#wendell#fortnite#so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home#and only now she decides to cook one#she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed#she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences#and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again#and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment#i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises#and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain#i hate this so much#how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal#when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him#and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children#they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family#while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs#even though they all make the same or even more than me#i hate it#is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok#fuckkkkk
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WAIT! WAIT WAIT! I'm getting notifications in the browser tumblr again??? It's happening yall, it's happening!!! IT'S HAPPENING! MY TUMBLR BROWSER IS FIXING ITSELF THANK THE STAAARRRSSS!!!
#aria rants#ive been using tumblr browser less cuz of how Broken its been for me for DAYS now. it wont show ANY notifications#theres a delay with the posts (id have to click the post now button twice cuz itd say theres a problem whenever i try it the first time)#theres so many troubles when it comes to my dash. i cant fast reblog easily cuz of how sometimes theres an Error or wtv#and then itd ALWAYS unlike a post i like and id have to Stare at the heart button for a good second to know if it Stays Liked#dont even get me started on the troubles with replying on posts. oooohhhh gooodness it was BAD. id type out a pretty long answer#and then click enter only for it to disappear into the void cuz there was a Problem apparently??? so then id have to type it out again#all while regretting that i kept forgettin to just copy my answer before clicking enter (its a habit though...) so i can just paste it agai#and THEN it wont even go through during my 2nd attempt (in which i thankfully remembered to copy my answer) so id have to paste#it AND TRY AGAIN and istg it sometimes takes like 5 tries. this hellsite has been the most Broken it can be for DAYS and ive been#so o<-< about it but i continued to persevere cuz now im back to using my phone for games a lil more actively so i cant use it for tumblr#but finally... FINALLY!!!! NOTIFICATIONS! ITS RECOVERING YALL! ITS FINALLY HAPPENING! ITS FIXING ITSELF!!! FINNNAAALLYYY!!!!!!
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It's gettin pretty tough to keep squeakin I'll tell you that much
#this mouse has had her depression intensified again#time to read her journal and remember all the good things she cares about#time to work on moving on from the bad#I need to decide how much time being lonely and hurt I'm going to allow myself#compartmentalisation right#I can take all of this and deal with it later when there's more distance from it#I should also write myself a letter#it's always good to write myself a letter#I think I wanna cry in the shower first though#I was told not to bomb a bridge by someone with a lit stick of dynamite in her hand#standing next to an already bombed bridge#I played my part in stuff but not everything's my fault#and I think I'm gonna go cry about how it feels like that's being ignore for the sake of hating me and proving me wrong#then I'll pack all of this into a box and put it on a shelf in my mind and come back to it when somebody is ready to approach it with me#because I can't keep having this cycle alone#I can't keep listening to all the things I've been made to feel#I can't keep having imaginary conversations and wishing for magical fixes and apologies that might not ever come#god what a shit show#it's wild how fast everything can spiral out of control#and how much you can lose when it happens#I'll find another home some day#I have to believe that and keep moving forward#I'll find family that can be more patient with me and more accepting of their own flaws#I'll find a family that won't hurt me when they see me in a bad spot#i have to#please#i have to believe it's possible#and i really really really want to believe that can be my current family after weve had some time#but i feel so so scared that it cant#so lets shower and then box it up and then we can see what happens in a month I guess
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barely an hour at work and already on the brink of another breakdown i need to quit this fucking job and/or perhaps kill myself
#my boss told me i work too much overtime and i agree but also i am literally the only trained person on kitchen and unless we're fully#booked im alone and have to do everything myself and if theres a task i cant finish its waiting there for me tomorrow to pick back up plus#literally everything else bc everything in this hotel is fucking broken so i cant even do everything on time like this fucking dishwasher is#now broken for the what?? tenth time this summer???? hello???? so the dishes keep piling up and up and up and i have to do them later#whenever the technician shows up but that all goes toward extra time that i cant do certain tasks#pkus the night guard is incompetent as fuck every single morning theres so many mistakes i need to fix and i always have to clean up his#parts as well bc he never finishes breakfast on time and then leaves the kitchen looking like a mess#and the buffet looks like shit bc even though i tell him a million times how hes supposed to put things he keeps doing them differently and#BADLY on top of that so the buffet looks like someone just threw up some food on it in random order like i cant keep coming an hour early#just to hold your hand through the process of putting prepared food in the designated spaces youve been here for a month now at some point#youre gonna have to be able to fucking do this every time i come an hour early thats an hour i work longer every day bc of course all the#cleaning up after breakfast is done doesnt get any shorter#and then on top of THAT apparently im now responsible for ordering shit for the entire hotel and running meetings and oh yeah im also#supposed to watch over reception tomorrow WHILE doing breakfast. fantastic. thats gonna go so well i cant wait 👍🏻#and im also working on sunday btw. so cool. bc clearly im so well adjusted and also mentally stable that i dont need a weekend or whatever.#and its fully booked with one of the most important businesses in town so like no pressure no pressure#and of course the boss is on vacation bc she somehow is always on vacation during the busiest days which is also so cool of her to do#also did i mention no one is ever gonna love me and ill die alone bc i only fall for people i can never be with#but also thats cool and chill and i dont even care 👍🏻
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#ramblings#honestly ive had a really terrible holiday#like summer break is supposed to be good but seeing family wasnt fun like it usually is#the cousin i usually hung out with is an asshole now who didnt even want to talk#so the fun part wasnt fun#i havent seen any of my friends all holidays . i feel like shit and i feel fucking lonely#the only people ive interacted with really are my family and thats horrible because my sister acts like a stereotypical mean girl#ive got no fucking will to leave my room or to fucking eat properly or do just about anything other than sit in my room#and now im about to go back to school . ive accomplished not even close to enough of what ive needed to#ive forgotten everything from math . my tech is probably behind . english should be finished but its not#chemistry is completley half assed#and i know i should be getting up and fixing tht but i cant i fuckign cant do anything#its probably all my fault i have to stop staying up so late im so fucking tired#i dont want to go back to school i dont feel like ive had a break even though ive done nothing all holiday#im so fucking done with this shit#vent#ask to tag#i guess
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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i recently had a revelation about what having sc5 on my pc truly entails...
finally... accurate color swatches for babygirl.........
#cell mumbles#//i was recoloring pyrrha's p1 to all black bc i cant go 5 seconds without goth-ifying her. sat there staring at the color change tab#//and the biggest light bulb popped up over my head like. GIANT COLOR SQUARES. I HAVE BABYGIRL'S ACCURATE COLORS NOW.#//AFTER YEARS OF JUST GUESSING....................#//though i did have to zoom in on her eyes and eyedrop the colors for those bc u cant change their eye colors so no giant color squares...#//and same for her skin... BUT STILL. FINALLY.. ACCURATE COLORS...#//this might be smth thats weird to be extremely happy over but im so happy over it anyhow u have NO idea#//now that i have the accurate colors imma go into the one wip i was doing and fix it up#//omg wait this means I need to go back and see if I can recolor my r()bl()x pyrrha avatar too...#//i might have to completely redraw it tbh bc idk if i have the pdn files of it still x_x#//if i still have that im recoloring and reposting it so fast i have just enough r()bux to reupload the top and bottom all fixed up#//i am normal over babygirl i promise (/silly)
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AND WE ARE BACK BABY 🥳🎊🎉🥂🎆🎊🎆🥳🎉🎊🎆🥳🎊🎊🎆🎆🎊🎉🥳🎆🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉🥂🥂🎊🥳🎉🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅🪅
If anyone asks me if I regret my decision (being unable to post for 22 hours bc I went ham on a sideblog and hit post limit at 2am yesterday) I'd like to give a resounding HELL NO by the way. It was a terrible experience bc unfortunately I'm horribly addicted to this webbed site HOWEVER. I'd do it again. It's what they [noncanon hetbait comic book couple] deserve. Anyways it is SUCH a relief to be able to post again. I am now so aware of how much I use this site though rip
#''swishy you hit post limit? how could you DO that to your followers'' um well first off youre hilarious to think that i have followers#like on lothscat dot tumblr dot com (sci fi/comics/p much every current non scooby obsession sideblog)??????? BE REAL#that place is a ghost town lets be honest. the only one reading that shit is me#and SECOND. if my 53 followers cannot HANDLE 250 simonjess posts in a row at 2am???? then they dont DESERVE to be there in the first place#like if you cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen you know!!!!!#like if i want to rb the same comic panel 25 times in a row times like 30 panels i should be allowed to do that actually#tumblr stopping me was VERY funny and honestly what i was aiming for but still very rude#anyways if id known that hitting post limit would also carry over here i would have at least said something#but it doesn't matter now because WERE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!@ for however long until i do that again because it was actually hilarious shjsjeej#my queue is so fucking long though#both on my one sideblog and here. mainly the sideblog bc i funneled the remainder of the posting spree into there but also here bc i queued#up the posts that i wanted to rb but couldnt when REALLY i should have scheduled them bc then theyd actually have posted semi promptly#but oh well im too lazy to go and fix it#blah
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guy who needs to get medicated badly after having a particularly bad episode a day ago but also looked at a funny dog picture and got my ID back in the mail and also just finished a comm -> things are looking up for me!
#i cant keep tricking myself into not going#but also unsure i can afford it#but also i can find a way probably#mfs gotta stop hopin and go fix my shit probably#will meds help. probably not but im willin to try again#right now im okay though genuinely#just kinda daamn im tired huh#didnt realize just how tense and high alert ive been these past few days. shit got me draggin my feet#but good news check came in. able to pay bills ippe!!! and with id back i can get the meds i DO have#in all im chill atm. exhausted though#of what. you tell me man idk#i still have hope! i have hope!! life gets better it just keeps getting worse before it gets better but it will have been worth it maybe#what optimism does to a mf
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I never think to post personal posts here but dude being 21 and having major knee surgery is wild. that's where I've been. in bed
#completely torn acl + meniscus that ive been walking on for 7 months#agony#but its fixed now but recovery is still slow and painful and i cant go back to work yet obviously :(#its funny though the recovery is actually far less painful than what i was going through every day standing on it for 8 hours
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oh im actually going to kill someone literally the first thing i thought was that the files must be transcribed weird. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT WHY IS IT TRANSCODING SHIT IN REAL TIME AT THE ABSOLUTE MAX POSSIBLE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!! THAT SETTING WAS OFF!! omg is it the files i got or something i thought they were fine. i feel like an insane person rn why is all my shit changed. if u literally told me someone broke in and changed a bunch of small things to make my setup work badly i would believe you because what the actual fuck. i was gonna say i need to listen to myself but i fixed like 3 other problems by not fixing what is probably the main fucking issue and itll be faster than before now but holy shit holy fucking shit oh my god
#WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#pain and suffering and pain and suffering and pain etc#replacing these files asap i fucking knew it :/ i will have to go into the server settings and verify that nothing else is fucked up first#cuz idfk why its even doing that??? it should never do that???#converting the files remotely for now because im not dealing with that shit tn#<- i always say that and then keep working on it though :/#is that a regulation thing why do i do that. like when ur definitely not gonna go for a walk ur just gonna put ur coat on and stand outside#haha oh thank god i dont need to deal with that rn. *calms down* okay let me deal with it right now#mentally i am already not doing and done with the task simultaneously this is the only way to do the task#i should revisit the mastery section of my dbt skills i think#context i feel confident in my ability to fix tech problems i know it just requires persistence . so its easy to recover and jump back in#even though tech issues get on my nerves very fucking quickly. i can use little mind tricks like that to regulate w/o thinking about it#but i struggle to do that when i lack mastery. the outcome isnt assured so it's harder to not get stuck on details and give up#i think so anyway idk maybe im thinking about it too deep. i'll go over it again anyway though now that i'm looking at it#ive been trying to catch when im doing stuff like that more often because i know i have a LOT of tricks like that that feel intrinsic to me#i dont think about them its just how i function. so its invisible to me unless i tune in#i was thinking about that yesterday when i was smoking bc i realized a huge part of socializing for me is overthinking...#but its literally necessary? i am SO prone to saying the exact wrong hurtful thing. if i didnt turn things over in my head before i spoke#i would hurt people a lot and not on purpose. i catch myself at least once a day and think jesus god i'm glad i didn't say that#that gets misconstrued as social anxiety when its like no i LITERALLY just need to do it unless you want me to say very hurtful things#i think most people do not need to do that..? like i cant just Be Myself that bitch is a hugeeeeeee cuntttttttttt lol#and still a lot of stuff gets past because i dont realize the implications of what im saying...#thats why i cant fucking stand people who dont say anything when theyre hurt or just expect you to realize without expressing it#maybe they're scared of confrontation but i dont need people around me if theyre just passively miscontruing me as a careless asshole#i am an asshole! but i care! i try not to be one like really hard i swear to god#if you cant speak up when you are hurt you should not expect anyone to hear you thats how i feel#okay my file are done bai#z
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"give me a beer, a lullaby, and a word in my ear" -guy at a speed dating event in my dream
#dream log#also had a dream that this green alien came up to me on the street and like wanted me to pick it up and take it somewhere#the like video game objective changed to#changed to go home#but i didnt know where that was so i just started running#but as i. running the alien is like bouncing and it starts blushing#and later when i put in down to kind ageg my bearings its like super wet#between the legs and im like. oh man i think i need to fuck this thing#and i know theirs a game mechannic where you can have sex in bushes and stiff but im like 'no ill just go home first' but when i pick the#alien back up i get a 'failed objective' notification cause i never made it home i guess :(#and another dream. i was back in middle school math. there was a seat that was right infront of and right next to two people i was friends#with plus super close to my crush (other side of my friend) and there was a guy sitting there#but he was like. literally a fly. so i snapped and he just dropped dead.#and i got to sit there. my friend then was like “see this?” and pointed to her lip#and i wa slike “yeah” even though i didnt see anything#and she was like “you can hide a lot of your burdens but you cant hide a hickey” and i was like. man. am i supposed to do somehting sbout#that? idk im pretty sure this is a dream. did she actually say this to me before? am i supposed to do somehting now?“. but then the dream#ended#THEN these are out of order but then i had a dream i was in some sort of summer camp thing? people kept going home. my friend M. went home#home and left me a bunch of her clothes. one of the guys asked some sort of question about sleeping with him. and i was like “no? lol.”#then i invited a different guy to come watch me change and that first guy was i guess also in the room and was like “you know people can se#you through the window right?“ and i was like ”duh. its ohio. thats kinda the point.“#so. whatever that one means.#THEN last one THEN my cousin drove me to an abandoned trailer to explore and it had “too lo” or something spray painted on it or somehting#so then he finished the word to say “too long” or somehting of that nature. and then spray panted the handle of the door blue#and we went in side but the inside was all done up? like really fucking fancy#the kitched was completely lainted in this van gogh style and my cousin goes “this isnt haunted... its fixed up.”#so wel left. i think be showed me something else before that too but i dont remember#in the summer camp one i spent a long time trying to find these snake/pomegranate earings? they were blue abd green
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My brain won't turn off, my thigh keeps being dodgy, it's too warm, and it's period time, I'm not loving life right now
#i just want sleep#but nope#not allowed#at least the pains arent so bad yet#and the period should fix my thigh hopefully#cant help the warmth though#and my tummy kinda hurts but its not too bad right now all things considered#tw periods#i do not think im going outside with friends today :(#should probably message danny back tbh its been over a week#i really post on here the way my mum used to post on facebook which i dont think is its intended use but ah well
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godddd i just have to make it to june. im not saying fucking off to another country mit die girlies will fix all my problems but by god it will fix SOMETHING if i have to force a toolbox in its damn hands
#my friend keeps saying when i go to it ill have a moment where i realized ive changed or smth and leave a changed man#hope he's right because if i keep being me at this rate maybe i will just end up dead#idk im just. trying to remember there is something there. it keeps going to the back of my mind#but i still need to double check stuff cause im so scared my booking or tickets will fuck up somehow#if it sounds like im gonna do smth im not im just so tired thinkimg of everything i cant fix until i have more money and stuff#and worrying if i do anything largely expensive i Need itll cut too much into the travel budget 😭#also my job is extremely understaffed right now and even though im still working part time it is still so grating#and making me remember how much i hate aspects of my job#i need to get out but i dont want to cold turkey my income
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