#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.

[moonlit-orchid]

Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post

Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight

[ninyard]

I just saw a post wondering what Andrew and Neil’s first proper argument is, and naturally I have to offer this:

Andrew and Neil don’t fight. They’ll ignore each other if they’re pissed off - but never for more than a few hours, or maybe until one of them has slept it off and decide it’s not worth it (usually Andrew). They’ll have tiffs but never over anything serious.

Except for in the months coming up to Andrew’s graduation. That is when I believe Andrew and Neil have their first real argument.

Andrew gets officially signed to his pro team around abouts the February of that year. It’s in a state further away that Neil expected, and since they found out, Neil keeps catching Andrew looking at apartments or researching the state and the team. He’s happy for him, of course he is, but he can’t quite identify what this feeling in his stomach is every time Andrew brings it up. The little fights that last longer than their usually bickering start not long after; Neil getting more pissed off by the little things Andrew does, Andrew having off-days with Neil more and more often, each of them asking for their own space because they know if they stay around each other they’re going to start a fight. It’s gradual in a way that they don’t realise for a little while that it’s getting worse, until just after the championship finals, and the season is officially over, when three days have passed without them talking for not much of a reason at all. Neil used his finals as an excuse, but Andrew didn’t have any good reason. After those three days, they’re finally alone in their dorm for whatever reason, and maybe Andrew has started packing or he’s just got some sort of welcome package from the team: everything explodes. Andrew tries to kiss Neil, and something feels wrong, and when Neil asks what the fuck is going on, all hell breaks loose.

Andrew doesn’t yell, of course he doesn’t, but he’s venomous. He’s asking Neil why he’s acting as if the world is going to end just because he’s graduating, he’s angry at him for becoming so dependent on his presence, he’s angry at himself for feeling like he’s found a future in Neil when this was never the plan. He was supposed to be nothing. A casual fuck, with an end date and no feelings but fuck if he can’t live his life without him now. Neil yells, because he does, and he’s angry that Andrew still seems so unsure about what they are, how comfortable they were, but suddenly things are different, and it feels like he doesn’t care. He’s angry at himself for building his life around Andrew, but he’s the only reason why Neil Josten exists. Andrew reminds him of that, and it makes everything worse.

It goes on for far too long, quickly becoming meaningless and just an excuse for either of them to vent out the frustration they’ve been keeping inside for months.

“You know that I won’t overstep your boundaries,” Neil points a finger at him. “So in your head it’s okay to treat me like shit and ignore me because you know that I will give you that space.”

He doesn’t even really think that, but every little thing, every little excuse is multiplied by a thousand when he feels this red hot rage. He hates the things that come out of his mouth, but Andrew gives it back, and his insistent refusal to back down just further butts their heads together and infuriates them both.

“I won’t chase after you because you’ve decided to allow me distance,” Andrew says, calm and ice cold. “You can’t invent boundaries for me and then be upset that they exist.”

Lows blows after low blows, unfair quips and insults from both sides, slamming of drawers and doors and throwing of things; they have never, ever fought like this before. It’s over everything and nothing at the same time. Andrew knew it was only a matter of time before campus security was called, but when he tried to tell Neil to calm down and lower his voice, it only made things worse.

They’ve been unkind and awful with each other for about an hour when Neil finds himself starting to get so furiously angry thats he’s upset, that he can feel himself being needlessly nasty with Andrew. For the first time ever he feels the tilt. He feels their foundations getting rocked, a crack in the base of the pyramid of their relationship that gives him the feeling that this might not last forever. He leaves their dorm with a slam of the door, and goes for a run. He hasn’t done that in a while, a run from his feelings, running from his problems and responsibilities. He’s not sure how long it’s been before he finds himself too far away from campus, because he just ran in a straight line.

When he checks his phone he realises he’s over an hour walk away from their dorms. He almost calls Matt, and hesitates over Coach’s phone number, but instead he clicks Andrew’s name. It’s only ringing for two rings before the ringing ends and there’s a quiet hiss at the other end of the line. Neil double checks that he’s answered, because Andrew hasn’t said anything, and brings the phone back to his ear.

“Can you come pick me up?” His breathing is heavy, all of his anger drained out through his feet with every single step that he took to get further away from their dorm.

“Where are you?” Andrew is quick to respond, and Neil can hear him already picking up his keys.

Neil tells him the name of some bar that he can see, and Andrew hangs up almost instantly afterwards. Neil starts to put his phone away, used to the abrupt endings of phone calls, but wishing he would say something more. He puts his phone away and wonders why Andrew can’t just give him something. He’s not looking for a Love you! Bye! But maybe just an answer that let him know he was listening. but then it starts to ring again, and it’s Andrew, and Neil doesn’t say anything when he answers.

“I’m leaving now,” Andrew says. There’s something in his voice. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Okay,” Neil responds. “Thank you.”

Andrew hums in acknowledgment, but this time he doesn’t hang up immediately. He hesitates, but he’s somewhere outside now.

“I will always pick you up.” He says after a while, after he’s shut his car door and the engine has rumbled to life, and maybe it sounds like I love you, I care about you, I need you. Maybe it sounds like I need you to know that i can’t lose this.

“I know,” Neil says, and it sounds like I can’t do this without you. “Thank you.”

Andrew waits a second or two then before hanging up, and Neil waits for him by the curb. Andrew is there quicker than twenty minutes later. Neither of them say anything as Neil slips into the passenger seat, and neither of them say anything as they pull away. Neither of them say anything until Andrew has switched the engine off, and the car is sitting in its parking spot. They look at each other then, and maybe then they understand what’s happening.

“I’m not above telling you that I don’t want to leave here,” leave you. “But this was always a certainty. You’ve had plenty of time to prepare.”

“I thought that I had,” Neil tells him.

It’s the truth, in some way. He realises then that all of these little fights, and growing agitation, and this almost primal urge to push Andrew away was how he’d prepared. He’s been trying his hardest to soften the blow that it would have on him, and if he pushed him away first, then it wouldn’t hurt when he inevitably pushed him back or let him go. Only, that was never going to happen, and that’s what made it worse - nothing could happen to them now that would not bring them back to each other. So when Neil pushed and pushed and pushed and Andrew was constantly hitting a wall instead of a door, all they were doing was filling the room with resentment.

They sit in the car then and talk about the reality: Andrew was moving away in just a few weeks, moving further away than they’d ever been apart. The truth was that regardless of whether or not Neil decides to spend the summer with him, August would come, and Neil would go back to PSU, and Andrew would stay wherever it was that he was staying. They’d been fighting more in a subconscious test with each other, to see if one of them were going to give up, to see it this was the thing that would finally tear them apart. They talk about that, too, as difficult as it is for Andrew to be honest about that kind of thing. Neil asks him if he thinks it would be better for them to break up, to give each other space, to let Andrew flourish on his new team and meet new people and grow into himself as a professional exy player. It’s the first time either of them have acknowledged the possibility out loud with each other, and it destroys Neil to ask it, and it destroys Andrew to hear it.

Andrew thinks about how Exy was supposed to be the deal with Kevin: how he was supposed to come off his meds, and Kevin would give him purpose, and he would find something to live for in the sport that would not love him back. Instead he gave him Neil. That was his something to live for, and while he’d started to learn how to live for himself, and he would eventually survive without him, he didn’t want to. He couldn’t. He would sooner give it all up just to keep him, and Neil knew that was the truth.

Neil thinks about how Neil was supposed to be temporary. Now it was the future, it was Andrew, it was a long and successful life. Neil Josten did not have an expiry date anymore. He could have things that were his own, things to keep, things to live for.

They knew it wouldn’t be easy, but as the evening went on, and they stay in that car and talk about the future, they’d truly come to the understanding that neither of them can lose each other. They will always be half of one another, and no amount of distance can change that. It’s hard conversation after hard conversation, and it’s emotional in the way that Andrew and Neil get emotional. All the fighting ends up being a catalyst for possibly the most personal, deep, intimate discussion they’ve ever had. There’s lots of silences and voices that threaten to raise but stay low. There’s a lot of questions, and answers, and questions without answers, too. Buts it’s needed. Andrew could not leave PSU without them having this conversation. If he had, I think they would’ve struggled a whole lot more with the distance, and the conversations they would have afterwards would’ve been far more difficult.

Ultimately that’s where they end the conversation sometime past midnight - with a semi newfound understanding of where they stand with each other, what they are, what the future means for them. It’s a fight that needed to happen, and in their own ways they apologise for the things that they said. Maybe they don’t say sorry, they just say everything is going to be okay, and distance will not be the thing that ruins this.

I don’t know. I really do think it’s a fight that’s needs to happen. I think it’s a terrible, angry, nasty argument, and they both feel awful about the things they said and did, but it had to happen. Yeah, could it have been communicated with words? Sure. But Andrew had to understand how afraid Neil was of losing him, he had to understand what Neil was doing to protect himself from it. And Neil had to understand that Andrew was always, always willing to fight for him, but he couldn’t do that if Neil wasn’t willing to see that he would.

[wooziorgans]

moon song || ljh

warnings: post breakup au. ex idol!reader. reader has an implied suicide attempt(s) in the past. reader is implied to do something akin to relapsing at the end of the fic. ed talk. lots of pressure that comes w being an idol. clubs. drinking. seungcheol hates y/n for leaving. leaving the idol industry behind. seeing your ex after four years. hurt w very little comfort. right person, wrong time.

word count: 4.2k

a/n: vent piece mostly. abt my frustration of still being sick, abt my frustration of not seeming to get better, abt how it never seems to stop. abt all of my wasted potential as a person. all of it, none of it, everything and nothing at all. i am so tired.

please read with caution. this is just a lot of emotions all in one place.

The loud bass that hits your head as soon as you enter the club makes your head pound immediately. It’s been four long years since you’ve even been in this part of Seoul, let alone been in a club with this group of ex-colleagues.

Ex-colleagues is certainly one way to put it. They were all so much more, and you know that this is just an excuse for all of them to get drunk. You wonder briefly if Jihoon’s here. He never used to drink, but then again, he didn’t do a lot of things until you were in the picture. You wonder how much has changed now that you’re not.

The memory of him burns like a hot iron branding your back, and you head to the nearest table of refreshments to grab a drink. If he’s here, you’ll need all the alcohol you can get your hands on. Maybe that makes you no better than anyone else; no better than the scene you so desperately needed to leave four years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.

You’re no longer apart of it. What you do now won’t cost you your career. If the night ends with you passed out in an alley way simply because you saw your ex at an album release party for an album he produced, so be it. He never comes to these things anyways.

At least, he didn’t when you knew him. You haven’t known Jihoon for a long time. It’s been four years after all; a lot can change in a week, let alone four years.

Like your decision to leave the K-pop industry. You had mulled over it for weeks, before you brought it up to anyone, and you didn’t go to Jihoon first. He was the last person you told. At least, officially, that you were leaving.

All those years of work as a trainee, just for it to be nothing. All of the tears, the angry screams into your pillow, the poverty your company forced you into in the first few years of your career because it was boarding on bankruptcy. All of this wasted potential. Maybe you could’ve been someone great.

You were, for a few years. Your group took off, and the first few years of success made all of the hard work feel like it was worth something. But as the saying goes, too much of a good thing won’t be good for long.

The pressure started to build, and it built until it boiled over and you were found on the verge of doing something terrible in your bathroom by your boyfriend and your manager after a week of unusual silence. Jihoon never was a crier, but god did he sob as he held you in the back of the ambulance. He had never begged for anything the way he begged for you to talk to him.

Please, god, please talk to me Y/N. Please, baby. I can’t— I can’t lose you.

It’s funny, really, how things work out. You dug yourself so deep into this hole of despair from the pressure of being an idol, that the only way out of it was to completely separate yourself from that life and start over.

After terminating your contract, you broke up with Jihoon. Or, you didn’t break up with him, only told him that you needed to take a break while you sorted yourself out. After being on a break for four years, is it still just a break? Or are you broken up at that point?

Both you and Jihoon know the answer to that.

Three years of no social media, no articles about you, none of your old friends reaching out to check in on you because they held a contractual obligation to be nice to you in the hallways. Three and a half years out of the spotlight. Three and a half years of peace, of healing, of sorting your life out and learning how to breathe again.

It’s been four years without Jihoon, and you didn’t really think much about the consequences that potentially sharing a space with him would have. But now they’re suffocating. All you can think about is the potential possibility of him being here, which, he wouldn’t be, right? He hates these kinds of gatherings. He used to skip his own release parties to watch shitty romance movies with you on the couch in his studio.

Does he have someone new to watch romance movies with? Or has he given up romance altogether? You know from the first few months, updates provided by Soonyoung, that he didn’t take the distance very well. You know that he missed you, and he worried about you constantly. You know you’re spiralling, and you know all those years of therapy will be for nothing if you don’t pull yourself out of it.

You don’t have to do that, because Seungkwan does it for you. “Y/N? You came!” He seems elated that you’re here, off his rocker, probably drunk.

“Of course I came! It’s your first album as BSS, Seungkwan.” You smile, and it’s not forced at all. You have completely forgotten how easy it is to fall into banter with Seungkwan. It’s almost like you never left in the first place.

Except something in his eyes seems off. That’s your first red flag to turn around and get the fuck out of this club, but you don’t. “My god. It’s been so long. How are you doing?” With anyone else, the small talk would’ve taken you out back and killed you. It’s different with Seungkwan.

Different how? He was one of the only people who consistently checked in on you when you first left. As you settled into your new life, the texts became less frequent; now, four years later they’re hardly anything to notice, but he’ll still send you a text on every holiday, and he’s wished you happy birthday every year since you met him.

“I’m doing a lot better. I’m… I’m good.” You laugh softly. Seungkwan smiles at you.

“That’s good. I’ve missed having you around— of course I don’t expect you to come back into this scene, but it would be nice to see you sometime.” Seungkwan squeezes your shoulder softly and smiles wider.

“Yeah, of course. I know I’ve been gone, but I’ll make it less hard to get a hold of me. I’ve missed all of you, truth be told.” You smile back. “I’ve just… been doing a lot of healing and I think it’s about time I finally start reconnecting with people. Is everyone here?” You ask.

“Oh, yeah. We’re all here! I kind of spilled that I invited you so everyone decided to come just in case you showed up.” The depth of all doesn’t really seem to cross Seungkwan’s mind; he’s certainly not thinking about Jihoon right now, or Seungcheol for that matter. You’re pretty sure Seungcheol would punch you if he caught sight of you. Maybe Jihoon would too. You have no idea how Jihoon even feels about you.

“Even, uh, Jihoon?” The smile falls from Seungkwan’s face.

“Oh. Yeah. He’s here too.” Seungkwan swallows when he sees your face shift. “You… he-he wants to talk to you. It’s not my place to really say, but he’s not mad. I think he just wants closure.”

So maybe Jihoon wouldn’t punch you. That’s a bit of a relief.

“Oh my god! Y/N! You came!” It’s Seokmin, very clearly drunk. You didn’t keep in contact with him, though he did send you a few paragraphs over text as he wished you all the best, telling you to reach out if you ever needed anything. You didn’t take him up on the offer.

“I did!” You smile, tilting your head as you look up at Seokmin.

“Can I have a hug?” He’s already opening his arms and you slide right into them. His hug is firm and warm. You’ve missed Seokmin a lot more than you cared to admit. Seungkwan grumbles about how he should’ve asked for a hug and you laugh, pulling him into one.

You catch up with Seokmin briefly before he’s being pulled away by someone you don’t know. You stick with Seungkwan, talking about your life, the album, avoiding the subject of Jihoon.

And then you turn your head at the bright sound of laughter, and you see him. You see him, and he’s not the same mess he was when you left him with no promise of when you’d see each other next. He’s not the scared man in his early twenties who had no idea if you were going to die on him. He’s not the man who stayed with you in the hospital for days on end.

He’s not the producer you knew who’d slide his headphones over your ears as he pulled you into his lap. He’s not the warm hand that held yours because you forgot your gloves again. He’s not the hushed giggles at four in the morning, or the hurried kisses, or the soft whimpers and praises as you tangled yourselves in his bedsheets.

Jihoon isn’t yours anymore.

You had hoped he wouldn’t be such a sore subject for you anymore, but seeing him in all of his glory four years later�� god does it fucking hurt. You’ve done a lot of healing in the last four years, but in that time you never really had the time to process the loss of Jihoon.

Soonyoung spots you, and that’s when you know you’re doomed, because if Soonyoung is distracted, Jihoon always notices the thing that catches him off guard. You try to pull your eyes away from Jihoon, but you can’t. You swear he’s gotten more beautiful in the last four years.

He’s gotten bigger, physically— far more muscular. You can see the curve of his pecks through his shirt, one that isn’t even tight against his body. Jihoon’s always been a big fitness buff, but it appears he’s put more effort into himself. His biceps strain against the fitted sleeves of his long sleeve black shirt.

Jihoon’s face looks different too. He still has the same round cheeks you used to always pinch and prod at. His jawline is still soft, but it’s more defined. His eyes are bright, and the bags under them are still there. You wonder briefly if he’s ever gotten rid of them; if the skin under his eyes has ever matched the rest of his milky complexion.

His hair is longer than you’ve ever seen it. Dark and flowy, it’s reflective and healthy, half tied up with what would be his undercut hanging freely. A few pieces frame his face. It looks soft and healthy. Jihoon looks soft and healthy.

He’s smiling as he scans the crowd to find what Soonyoung is distracted by, and then he spots you. The smile is wiped off of Jihoon’s face faster than your brain can even register it. Seungkwan stiffens beside you, hand finding your shoulder to steady you as you stumble briefly, but the pull between you and Jihoon is too much.

Both of you start moving towards each other, pushing your way through the crowd. “Y/N.” His voice comes out in a breath, chest heaving and then he’s there, right in front of you, after four years.

You don’t know what to say, can’t process the fact that he’s in front of you, as beautiful as ever. “Jihoon,” you echo, “hi.” You can’t help the small smile that threatens to pull at your lips. The tension on Jihoon’s face eases, but he doesn’t smile back.

“Hi. How are you doing?” Jihoon asks, and if it was anyone else, it would’ve been a sad attempt at small talk. It’s Jihoon, so you know he’s asking how you’re doing now, if you’re better. A part of him is asking if you still feel like killing yourself. The answer to the last part is no.

“I’m… better. A lot better.” You laugh awkwardly. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t doing okay.” Now, Jihoon actually does smile at you, and though it’s small, it’s still there.

“You look a lot better. Healthier. I’m glad.” Jihoon takes a sip of his drink as he looks down at you. He’s right; you’re much healthier now. There’s solid meat on your bones, your thighs touch and your ribs don’t show anymore. Your face has filled out, cheeks full and round. Your eyes don’t look as though they’re sunken into your skull, they’re brighter now; they seem to shine with life in a way they never have before.

Jihoon takes you in properly, and god, you’ve gotten so much more beautiful since the last time he saw you. It hurts. It hurts a lot to see how good you look now, without him. He knows it’s a lot more complicated than that, but it still hurts nonetheless.

You look healthy, like an actual person and not a skeleton, and you were never that way when you were an idol. You were never like that when you were with Jihoon.

“Oh, um, thank you. Should we… should we sit? We have a lot to talk about.” You laugh again to hide your nerves. Jihoon can still read you, and he knows you’re brimming with nerves. He knows you’re a little scared, probably more than a little, and he is too.

You’ve never breached the subject, hardly even talked about your breakup. Jihoon doesn’t like to think about it. He just doesn’t. He doesn’t like to think about how much worse you were doing, even if it destroyed him. The breakup was harder on you, tenfold, and you went through it alone.

“I- uh. Yeah, yeah, we can go sit. It’s probably about time we talk.” Jihoon laughs nervously, closing his eyes for a second. He wordlessly starts walking towards the vacant booths of the club. You follow close behind.

Jihoon sits down, and you take a seat across from him. It’s silent for a few moments. Both of you are staring at your cups, not drinking, just swirling your liquids of choice.

Jihoon speaks first, but he can’t look at you. “Why’d you have to leave me?” He asks, and his voice breaks softly as he says it. You certainly weren’t expecting that as the first question he asked, but you don’t really know what else he would’ve asked.

“I… I had to leave everything that had to do with being an idol behind. You… you included.” It’s a shitty answer, but you can’t think in Jihoon’s presence.

“I understand that, but I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve helped you get help. You didn’t have to do it by yourself, Y/N. I loved you; I would’ve done anything to make sure you were safe.” Jihoon’s bites at his lip, eyes sparkling in the low lights of the club. He looks like he’s about to cry, and god does it break your heart.

He loved you, past tense. It’s jarring. It stings, but what else did you expect? For him to still want you? That’s unrealistic and completely unfair to expect from him.

It hits you then that you might still be in love with him. That makes this next part so much harder.

“I know. I know, but it made sense to me at the time. I can’t- I can’t rationalize anything that I did at that time in my life. None of it makes sense, but I made a lot of choices that I regret and I can’t go back on them now. It’s too late for that and I’m- I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, Jihoon. All of it; everything, god, I’m so sorry.” You spill, and the soft burn in the back of your throat makes it hard to speak as you try not to cry. “You didn’t deserve to deal with any of it.” You whisper softly.

“Y/N,” Jihoon whispers back, “I forgave you a long time ago. I just want closure.” Closure. Jihoon wants closure, meaning he wants to move on. The tears in his eyes shine brightly, though they don’t fall, but he’s crying nonetheless, and that makes you feel worse.

“I don’t deserve that though. I don’t deserve to be forgiven for just leaving you. Seungcheol still hasn’t forgiven me; why the hell would you?” You swallow hard, and that seems to break the dam as the first few tears slip down your cheeks.

“Seungcheol has his own issues. We never told him the full story, and maybe that’s why he’s still… iffy about the whole thing. But I forgive you. I just, I want to stop hiding from you. I don’t want to be worried about running into you somewhere and not knowing what to say. I still care about you, so much, and, god does it fucking kill me to still worry about you when you’ve never made an effort to reach out to me.” Jihoon’s always been blunt, so you should’ve expected this, but it makes you feel worse; guilty. “I would’ve answered your calls, in a heartbeat. You know I would’ve.” Jihoon blinks, and the first few tears fall down his face.

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to call you after so long. I spent six months in and out of the hospital, and after that I had to get back on my feet. By the time I even had time to think about calling you, it’d been a year, and to me that was too late.” You close your eyes and exhale deeply, fingers twitching.

Jihoon used to hold your hands when you were upset to stop them from twitching so much. He used to pull your head close to his chest and wipe your tears with the pads of his thumbs. He makes no effort to do so now. Jihoon can’t even look at you properly.

He’s focused on picking at the calluses on his palms. Some things never change.

“You- six months? Y/N, fuck, I had no idea. I knew it was bad but, shit, really?” Jihoon’s voice breaks fully, and all you can do is nod. “How many more times? How many times did you—?” He can’t finish his sentence. His throat closes up.

“Four.” Jihoon has nothing to say in reply. He can’t, not with the deep hurt that settles in his chest, so you elaborate. “I really just wanted to die. The media was on my ass for the first year and it was just bad. I spent the next year after that in a rehabilitation program to fix my relationship with food and it helped a lot. I found a good therapist and I’m still seeing her. It’s helped a lot. I’m- I’m clean.” You pick up your cup, hand shaking, and take a large drink to calm your nerves.

“I’m really glad that you’re healthy now. Really, god, that’s such a relief.” Jihoon’s tears are steady now. He wipes at them with his sleeve. You mutter a soft thank you.

Outside of the booth, the noise has been blocked out by your conversation, but you hear something peculiar. It’s Seungcheol, his voice is loud and booming. He’s angry.

“What the fuck are they doing here?! Seriously, why did you even invite them?” Both you and Jihoon look up at the same time to see Joshua and Mingyu trying to deescalate the situation. Seungkwan is yelling back, face red as he tries to block Seungcheol’s view of the booth you and Jihoon are sat in.

“No, I’ve fucking had it with all of you. Defending them for just fucking leaving Jihoon without a word. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you bring them here?” Seungcheol is drunk and looking for a confrontation with you, and that’s enough of a threat to have you and Jihoon standing as he tries to usher you out of the club without Seungcheol seeing.

“Fuck, you should probably go.” Jihoon pulls you close to him, shielding you from Seungcheol’s view. You nod, walking fast beside him as you push your way through the crowd.

“Yah! You, get the fuck back here!” Neither of you listen as you push your way out of the door. You make the mistake of looking behind you to see Joshua and Mingyu physically holding Seungcheol back. Wonwoo is there now too, standing in front of him to prevent him from walking.

The outside air is cold and bitter. You shiver as you pull out your phone to order a ride. You and Jihoon are completely silent. He’s standing so close to you that you can feel his body heat radiating off onto you.

“I’ll wait with you. How long?” He asks, voice shaky.

“Two minutes.” You only have two minutes left with Jihoon. It’s so finite, the time you’re spending with him. If only you had more time.

You’re not afforded that luxury as you shiver beside him. “Can I- is it okay if I—?” You nod, unsure of what he’s asking. It’s a yes either way. Jihoon pulls you into his arms in a tight, warm hug. His hands don’t find their way into your hair, or rub your back. He just holds you. It’s all he can do.

Both of you ignore the mutual swell of warmth in your chests. You’re still in love with him, you know that, and that’s why the car seems to show up in no time. Your phone chimes as the car pulls up in front of the club as you reluctantly start to separate yourselves.

There’s so much you didn’t get to talk about. You tell him so. “We, fuck, I had so much more to say. I had so much more to explain. You, god, you were the right person, Jihoon. Everything else was just so wrong.” You thought the weight would’ve been lifted off your chest, but it only hurts more. You close your eyes as you turn away.

“Y/N, fuck, don’t do this to me right now.” Jihoon whispers, eyes filling with tears once again.

“I’m sorry Jihoon. I love you. I’ll see you around.” You open the door to the car.

“I, yeah. Take care of yourself.” Jihoon can’t look at you, no way in hell can he look at you as you close the door and drive off. He stands still in the cold, watching as the car disappears from his sight. He leans against the wall, head falling back as the tears start pouring freely.

As he pushes the door to the club open, it hits him hard, fills his whole body as a bone deep love for you settles. And it hurts, god does it hurt. Seungcheol’s calmed down, but the snide remark that slips past his lip doesn’t even register in Jihoon’s brain. All Jihoon recognizes is his tone, and that’s enough.

“I’ll punch you right in your fucking mouth, Seungcheol, I swear to god. Shut the fuck up.” Jihoon hardly ever makes threats, but when he does it has everyone going quiet. Seungcheol, Joshua and Mingyu stop in their tracks. There’s been enough drama for one night.

Jihoon grabs a new drink and chugs it, before he goes to grab his coat. He needs to get out of here before the sob building in his throat bursts.

You manage to keep your tears at bay until you enter your apartment. You find yourself in the bathroom, against the cold tile and the porcelain of the bathtub. You don’t do anything, just sit there and breathe as the tears flow freely.

It wasn’t supposed to end like that. You were supposed to have more time to reconcile with Jihoon. You and bathrooms have seen a lot of hurt. Most of your bad decisions are made in bathrooms. You don’t do anything, you just sit there for a few minutes as you cry.

Nothing happens the next night. Or the night after. A week after the release party, Jihoon still plagues your mind and that’s when you crack. Your old manager turned friend answers the phone.

“Hi. You okay?” Yena asks softly, voice ridden with sleep.

“Drive me to the hospital? I think I need stitches.” You laugh nervously. The adrenaline has worn off and all you feel is regret.

“Y/N.” She sighs, but it’s not disappointment. She’s seen a lot of things with you, and supported you through all of them. You’re the reason she quit being a manager and went back to university. You made her realize the idol life isn’t as glamorous as it seems, and you’ve formed a very solid friendship over the past five years. “You know they’re gonna keep you for a few days, right?”

“Yeah. I know. It was impulsive. Like, I’m fine now. I just couldn’t stop thinking.” You sigh.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be on the way. Cold water and pressure until I get there, yeah?” You laugh softly.

“Already on it.” The call disconnects soon after, and you look up at the mirror. Briefly, you imagine Jihoon standing behind you in a much different situation than the one you’re in now.

His thick arms are wrapped around your waist, head leaning against yours. He’s smiling in your vision. You smile softly in your reflection, though it’s strained. The blood on your hands pulls you out of it.

a/n: i wrote this when i was going through it. i’m fine now but i seriously can’t do angst like i used to so i might write a part two or something where they end up back together.

[signanothername]

saw your recent post about Nightmare's room for Dream, and it reminded me of a fic, where due to Dream still physically and mentally being 6 in the stone, Nightmare was preparing for what to do now as the 'older brother'

which made me wonder

I'm betting Ink or someone from the Omega Timeline found Dream first when he was freed from the statue

What would've happened had it been Nightmare? When faced with this small six year old who is nothing like he remembers, would Nightmare's true self and corruption be mentally first fighting on what the hell to do?(The mental image of this is a bit comical)

Aw that’s adorable dhhxhxhxh

So funny enough, I kinda already made 2 comics that explored what Nightmare’s reaction will be to a small 6 y/o Dream before, just under completely different circumstances

But here’s the thing, while i have explained before how Nightmare’s corruption works in my eyes, I don’t think I was really clear in my explanations, so I’m taking your ask as an excuse to explain it better >:) (i’ll get back to your main question I promise hdhdhdh i just wanna help you connect some dots when it comes to Nightmare’s behavior)

So something to keep in mind is how Nightmare’s mind isn’t truly strong enough to fight off his corruption/corrupted thoughts from controlling him and guiding his actions, and while Nightmare is in absolute control of his mind, his corruption has shaped it in its own twisted way, that’s why he’s an absolute fucking bitch, that’s why Nightmare can be extremely cruel to those around him

Think of his corruption as a parasite, it feeds off Nightmare’s own pain and in turn it’s what makes Nightmare feel that pain (and his own emotions) magnified times a thousand

So when say a normal person who isn’t corrupted feels anger for example, they would feel that anger through stages from it being a mere mild frustration that turns to anger and then full blown rage (depending on the situation of course), but even then a normal person would be able to control that frustration so it doesn’t escalate to anger and in turn never turns to rage, or even if this person were to immediately jump to rage, then they’ll be able to calm themselves down by venting that anger a bit

Nightmare on the other hand,

A- doesn’t go through those stages for his emotions, he immediately experiences the most intense form of them

and

B- those feelings never go away, they linger and fester inside him like an infestation as it is what his own corruption feeds on

He feels angry? That anger is a full blown rage inside him, he feels sad? That’s crushing depression for him, he feels hate? That hate is nothing but raw loathing for everyone and everything around him, he feels fear? It’s fucking paralyzing to the point Nightmare seeks power so he won’t have to feel afraid, he feels happy? It’s tainted by his now sadistic behavior as Nightmare finds sick satisfaction and glee in hurting those around him

Of course, how he deals with that changes as he grows and learns and adapts, so such emotional intensity/ instability is extremely apparent on him as a newly corrupted 6 y/o who feels all alone and lost in the world while it shapes his personality and who he becomes as an adult with a lot more control over his actions/reactions (corruption + bad experiences that shapes his mind = Mean Girl Bitchmare)

What I’m trying to say is that his corruption contributes to his emotional instability, and that corruption knows what to feed on exactly, it makes it so Nightmare feels dependent on negativity so he won’t have to experience what it’s like to feel powerless again, it feeds on his fear, pain, anger, hatred and it extends to Nightmare’s sadistic cruel actions that in turn brings more negativity, which in turn makes him stronger and by extension the corruption stronger which contributes to magnifying his emotions even more, which leads to more cruelty and so on, it’s a never ending torturous cycle that no one is aware Nightmare’s in.. including Nightmare himself, Nightmare is as much of a victim to his corruption as those poor souls who have to deal with Nightmare cause of it

The corruption magnifies Nightmare’s emotions too much for his mind to even be able to process them let alone regulate them, (and Nightmare already has problems understanding his own emotions to begin with) and in turn that corruption only got to his mind as well

Imagine it this way, Nightmare’s mind is plagued by his now corrupted thoughts, he can’t truly think clearly through the thick suffocating corruption, trauma, and horrifying experience in his first 500 years of corruption, it’s like looking through a broken mirror, the pieces of the mirror are still there, and they still show his reflection, but they’re too distorted and messy to form a clean and clear reflection, Nightmare looks at himself in that mirror, but all he sees is scattered pieces of who he used to be (he can no loger recognize his reflection) and so as Nightmare keeps trying to put the pieces back together, it’s more and more clear that not only do they now show the reflection of he used to be, but also who’d he become, the shattered mirror pieces reflect both his corrupted and passive self in a distorted messy way (that’s who Nightmare is now)

Ok if that’s the case, how come Nightmare has kind moments that contradicts his own corrupted state of being? Cause despite his corruption, he’s still Nightmare, I can never emphasize that enough

Despite the cycle he’s in, despite the state of those shattered pieces of who he used to be, those pieces that has his passive self STILL EXIST alongside his corrupted pieces, Nightmare’s own mind, thoughts, emotions and identity beyond that corruption still linger inside him, even if if in a sort of a limbo state

Ok with that all in mind, what the fuck does that have to do with a 6 y/o Dream? Everything

Just like I showed in the comic before, Nightmare would be too blinded by his own pain and hatred (that’s magnified by his corruption) to actually slow down and realize that Dream is 1- literally still a 6 y/o in mental and physical capacity, and 2- is just as in much pain and with such as much trauma as he is

Nightmare hates Dream with a passion

But the thing is, as I showed in this comic here, apart of Nightmare still deeply cares about Dream, even when Nightmare’s in absolute denial about it, I dare say Nightmare doesn’t even realize how much that lil part of him cares

And that would reflect on how he deals with Dream, Nightmare would be conflicted alright, but his corruption would win first and foremost and as such, he’ll deal with Dream with cruelty (that he later realizes was a mistake)

I will not lie, I’ve yet to decide on what I love to think happened to Dream as a statue, but allow me to say that it’s one of 4 options, I like to believe it’s either

A- Nightmare kept him in Dreamtale beside the corpse of their mother

B- took Dream with him to his own castle where he kept him in a safe space

C- left him in a remote part of the multiverse in an empty universe devoid of life (which later got populated)

D- a combination between A and B and C in a linear timeline (i think option D is my fave so far, but I haven’t made a final decision yet :’D)

That being said, the moment Dream breaks out his stone prison, I believe Dream would be too confused and scared to understand what’s going on, hell, would probably think the Apple incident happened just yesterday, not that 500 years passed (you can imagine Dream’s shock later) only to start frantically searching for Nightmare and when he does find his twin? Nightmare doesn’t look like Nightmare anymore, where’s his golden crown? Where’s his tunic? Why is he so much taller? So many questions, and Nightmare’s not in the mood to answer

Nightmare would definitely be shocked to see Dream out of his prison, a big part of him hates that Dream escaped it, Dream doesn’t deserve to be free, another part of him (the one that cares) is relieved cause turning him to stone was never the plan, and then the more dangerous corrupted part of him is sadistically gleeful, he could finally get a proper payback and to have the golden apple from such a weak, small and helpless child

Dream would start talking about how he wants Nightmare back and you can imagine how pissed Nightmare would be at Dream’s daring audacity to bring up the apple incident

Their first interaction after Dream is finally freed is not at all pleasant (the fact Dream is still a 6 y/o physically and mentally doesn’t deter Nightmare’s cruelty)

Nightmare eventually realizes he should’ve been a lot more merciful on his twin when he first broke out his prison, yet that sadistic gleeful part of him can never be quelled (unbeknownst to Nightmare that the glee he feels at Dream’s misfortune is just his trauma shaped in a twisted manner due to his corruption, he feels like Dream hadn’t suffered like he had, so Nightmare will make Dream suffer himself)

And the rest is (kinda) history :)

[babyrdie]

So, I know anyone who sees my posts already knows that I have a headcanon about how Antilochus, like Nestor, talks a lot. I usually talk about Antilochus' family or his best friends (Achilles and Patroclus), but I was thinking about Antilochus' friendships in general and remembered how close he seems to Menelaus in The Iliad. And now I'm imagining Menelaus unintentionally having some sort of spy on the Myrmidon camp. This wasn't even Menelaus' intention, but Antilochus spends a lot of time with the Myrmidons because of Patroclus and Achilles and for some reason continues to tell Menelaus about his daily life, which includes the Myrmidons. And just like that, Menelaus accidentally got a source of information before Odysseus and Odysseus can't believe the absurdity of the situation.

I imagine Agamemnon, every time he has a problem with Achilles, calling Phoenix to inform him how the situation is on the other side because Phoenix is ​​Achilles' advisor and then going to Menelaus to vent about it. But usually everything he says Menelaus already knew because of Antilochus. Something like Agamemnon complaining that Achilles is still grumpy because Agamemnon forgot to invite him to a party and supposedly invented some new insult for him and Phoenix curiously avoided giving details about what kind of insult, and while this Menelaus is like "oh yeah. This time he said you have a presence as maddening as the Erinyes, huh. He even made a song satirizing you" and Agamemnon is always freaking out about how the hell Menelaus always knows the most specific details that Phoenix refuses to tell. Menelaus didn't tell him how, but Agamemnon once commented about his brother somehow knowing too much to Odysseus and ever since then Odysseus has been looking at Antilochus and wondering how he didn't notice what a valuable source of information he had nearby.

Odysseus was also sincerely amazed that he didn't got this kind of information from Nestor before, as he highly doubts that Antilochus wouldn't tell Nestor and Thrasymedes about it and Odysseus didn't know that it was possible that Nestor wouldn't give him some gossip from the Myrmidon camp. Odysseus tried to get as much gossip as possible about all the camps as a way to make plans for specific problems in the army, but it was really hard to get anything about the Myrmidons.

Phoenix clearly over-polished the information and purposely omitted details and information (trying to protect your prince…I see. Even Agamemnon sees this, don't think you're fooling us!);

Achilles always looked at him like he was suspiciously planning something (not really wrong…but hey! Blah blah you don't speak your mind, son of Lartes. Calm down, I just want to have information to avoid things like fights, rebellions, riots, etc! And you're not special, I need to do this to everyone here!);

Patroclus always gave him a condescending smile (dude, it's okay if you noticed what I'm trying to do, no need to be so annoying about it! Oh, he's finally serious now…wait, is that a dimple? Stop smiling!);

Menesthius just widened his eyes and said that his uncle was calling him (Achilles never called him. But okay, dude, I get it, you don't want to get in trouble with your uncle. Family loyalty, right? I won't judge you!);

Automedon clearly spoke more to horses than to people (I even tried to hide to see if Automedon would vent something to the horses, but all the guy did was complain about the noise of the celebrations!);

Ajax glared at him impatiently (okay, big guy, you're not that into gossiping. I get it, I just thought you had information about your cousin's camp! Let's talk about fighting techniques then...);

Teucer blatantly ignored him (the smartass certainly knows something, he's a duo with Ajax and Ajax hangs out with the Myrmidons!!! Sneaky, huh. Typical of an archer, I know that because I'm one too!);

The other Myrmidons just gave him useless information and Odysseus couldn't press or it would be too obvious that he wanted more specific information than "oh, Patroclus and the slave girls made soup yesterday!" (why the fuck Patroclus is cooking for the Myrmidons with the slaves is a mystery. Wasn't he supposed to cook specifically for Achilles and Achilles' guests?);

Odysseus was even thinking about getting something to make the slaves willing to give interesting details, he had somehow forgotten that Antilochus was a thing in this situation. It was quite a surprise when he congratulated Menelaus for outsmarting him and Menelaus didn't know what he was talking about and when Odysseus explained that Menelaus had noticed Antilochus' informative ability first, Menelaus simply said that it was Antilochus himself who started talking every time. Odysseus found the whole situation ridiculous and unexpected, but at least he had no more problems in obtaining some basic information in the following years of war. The gods know he needs a LOT of information to help Agamemnon, the guy is so eager to be a leader that he sometimes forgets the strategic part of things. Don't get him wrong, he likes Agamemnon, but he also doesn't know what Agamemnon would do without him and Nestor!

And yes, this is an EXTREMELY specific headcanon, but I was thinking about Odysseus and Nestor's roles as Agamemnon's mediators and how there are so many different armies. I was like, "how do they know enough to lead all these people?" and voila! Also, I imagine this happening in the early years of the war, when they were less comradely. And yes, Agamemnon vents to his younger brother daily. Menelaus doesn't vent much to Agamemnon, however. Not because he doesn't trust Agamemnon, he just thinks his older brother is too enthusiastic about defending him, and so Menelaus wants to avoid situations where Agamemnon will "protect his honor" without being asked lol

A kind of silly headcanon, I know, but the ability to be silly is a blessing!

[abyssal-author-and-artist]

My blog is generally pretty lighthearted and I stick to reblogging art and fic and fun stuff, but you know what. I feel like I need to say this.

I am a trans teen in the US. I'm seventeen, so too young to have voted. I'm terrified for my life right now. I usually post about college but I'm actually concurrently enrolled in high school still and the kid who sits behind me in first period government is a massive Trump fanboy. I'm going to have to go to high school Monday and talk about the election. I'm going to have to hear my deadname called and hear people in my super conservative high school talk about how happy they are Trump won. Everything is terrifying. I walk outside of my house and I'm scared I'll be shot. Several months ago I promised that I'd kill myself if that bastard won.

He did and I'm still here.

I'm not thriving. I'm not living my best life. I'm barely living. But I'm surviving. I'm coping. I'm trying my goddamned best. It's hard. I want so bad to just go and take as much medication as I can and slit my wrist for good measure and pass away in my sleep. But I'm still here. And I will be here.

I am in so much pain. But I'm living on spite and determination and everything I can scrape together. I know I need support and those around me need support. So consider this a support masterpost.

Support:

First thing you should see if you're a trans person in the US.

Here's a link to the Trevor Project and here's a link to their suicide hotline page. They've already saved my life once before. Please note - they recommend calling if you need immediate support. Donate if you can, please.

This post is both a suicide hotline masterlist and a post mentioning how something feels deeply wrong here with this election.

On the topic of something being wrong, sign this petition. I'm only seventeen but I did this and it might not feel like much but if we couldn't shoot that bastard (I am not pro-gun but I am when it comes to him) then we'll do the next best thing. Here's the link to the petition itself. Make sure to check the post every once in a while - the original petition got taken down and this is important.

I follow a lot of gimmick blogs, so I got to see this post encouraging us to be loud. Because we should be. Because if we die they've won and my mom didn't smoke weed on the steps of the state capital of Colorado to legalize it just so her son could roll over and die.

Here is the Tumblr Hot Beverage Masterpost, as I've taken to calling it. My personal favorites are the London Fog in the replies, earl grey with milk, honey, and vanilla (in the tags), and some additions from me are hot chocolate with peppermint melted into it, earl grey with lavender, caramel apple tea, and really anything else you can think of. Trust me. This post works better than you think.

Read this post if you haven't seen it already. It's half poem, half Tumblr being Tumblr, all wonderful to read.

Things I just like to see:

PM Seymour and Bettina Levy both have shown their support for everyone struggling right now. It might not be much, but I still really appreciate it and seeing support can really help.

The cat with the kind and reassuring face. No other context.

Four panel comic of hope. Because you're more than enough.

Can't find the post where I found this but this is a link to a virtual toy where you can make your own galaxy.

Please. Eat something. Drink a hot beverage. Draw, write, read, knit, sew, sculpt, bake, do something that helps. Reach out to friends, even if they're online friends. Talk to someone you trust. Make vent art. Write vent fics. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it helps.

Do not roll over and die. Live. Live on spite. Live on determination. Live on shitposts and live on heartfelt stories like this one. If you have anything to add to this post please do. Add more resources. Add more love to this post. I know I'm just a guy on the internet saying shit, but I still care about everyone who sees this post.

[jellybeanium124]

pathetic vent post lol

so the thursday before last, one of my coworkers told me she's quitting bc she got a job in the field she wants to have a career in. I was happy for her and told her so, but I also felt kind of sad, because she's a woman close in age to me and I've been thinking we could be friends if I wasn't technically her boss for a little while now. so finally near the end of our shifts (we were closing) I buck up and ask if her she'd want to exchange contact info and stay in touch and hang out after she left.

and y'all she looked so happy and excited to be asked that. absolutely 0 hints that her delighted response wasn't genuine. so she puts her number in my phone, and even takes a silly picture for the contact pic, and I send a test text and she responds to confirm it's her correct number.

on monday I text her about hanging out later in the week, with ideas. on tuesday I text her again, with new ideas if she didn't like my first ones. I didn't mean to double text two days in a row.

nothing.

I wait till yesterday and send her one last text, explaining that I really do wanna be friends, I am more chill outside of work and she's only seen Work Nina if that's what she's worried about, but that I don't wanna bother her.

it's been over 24 hours now, and nothing. part of me wonders if she changed her mind and blocked my number.

it's just really disheartening because I've had another person string me along and then not respond/continually cancel on me pretty recently. after my college friend group broke up thanks to the serial sexual predator (which is a whole nother story, dw he didn't do anything to me, in fact he refused to talk to me the first time we met when I introduced myself and tried to make polite small talk, and I realized several months later that he didn't engage with me at all because he didn't wanna fuck me 🙃) things have been kind of dire in the irl friends department and it's sad and pathetic and I thought finally here was a girl I really connected with, and she liked gossiping with me at work, and she seemed really really excited at the possibility of being real friends with me, and then nope... not a single response to any of my texts. zip nada zilch.

it's just hard... I was basically socially rejected by everyone in my film program at my uni, then I finally started to make friends at the jewish club and a serial predator with an apartment full of guns who sells stolen lego sets on ebay and does cocaine ruins that, and then I'm at work and now that I'm a manager I'm the boss of most people there and I wouldn't be close friends with most of them anyways and the one girl who I think I could be really close friends with fucking ghosts me after I was brave enough to ask if she'd wanna be friends. it's been like five straight years of rejection for me. I always had friends in k-12, I wasn't a "popular kid" but I was well liked among the venn diagram of gays, nerds, theater kids, and band kids and I had a lot of friends in high school. I don't fucking know what happened. and now I'm on meds that are finally giving me energy and happy chemicals so I wanna go out, I wanna do stuff, I wanna walk around, and I don't wanna be an apartment slug anymore but I don't have anyone to do anything with and there's only so much fun you can have by yourself. and I'm still too shy to go to a bar alone because I know I'll stand in the corner paralyzed by social anxiety. I'm trying bumble bff rn but I'm so shit at responding to people and I kinda hate myself for it and I'm trying to do better but I keep not responding to people for too long and yeah maybe my ex-coworker is stuck in that cycle too idk.

oh yeah and the whole past year of antisemitism makes everything worse because I'm deeply realistically afraid that any goyim I meet are going to be hateful hamasniks <3 so that's a fun lil bonus.

jesus man... idfk. it's just shitty. it's just fucking shitty.

[actualbird]

confession: i refrained from talking about It here (though i livetweeted the ordeal on my priv lsbdfsdlf) but now that things have calmed down, i wanted to share what's happened

from february 4 to february 12 of 2024, i experienced the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching week of my life. my mother tried to commit suicide several times, and the days were first spent taking care of her while in an overdosed state while she said over and over that she wanted to die before i finally broke and begged her to go to the hospital. up until that point, i was looking after her on my own. i was feeding her, getting her to sit up to drink water, walking her to the bathroom, checking if she was still breathing, and enduring it when she got mad at me and told me she was “fine.” i was hanging on by a thin thread. i’ve always been the house’s caretaker—always known as the pragmatic and responsible one—but this was more than I could ever handle.

“i don’t know how to help anymore,” i told my older sister when i myself had my own breakdown on the night of my mother’s hospitalization. as i hyperventilated and sobbed, the feeling of helplessness shook my body and my words. “i can’t help anymore.”

and then something really wonderful happened: people came and helped

when news got out of my mother's attempts, suddenly my phone was blowing up with texts and messages from people i didnt know. they were her friends: old friends from college, friends from the university she teaches at, her family from the province. they were all asking me and my siblings if they could help with anything: driving, food, money, emotional support. her family in the province drove hours from the province to meet us in the city just to lend a hand in keeping us calm. her friends from the university were the ones who drove her to the hospital and helped us out with a loan and financial aid for the ER bills.

my brother who lives in japan flew in back to the philippines despite having an academic conference just to help. his girlfriend drove him from the airport to the hospital despite having to study for an exam. my older sister's boyfriend came over just to buy us all donuts and food to make sure we were all eating while looking after everything. my girlfriend bought my sisters and i trinkets from a convention just to make us smile during these hard times, and she kept reminding me to sleep and eat and drink and take my meds. my online friends who knew were messaging me asking if i was okay, if i wanted to see some bird posts for serotonin or if i needed somebody to vent to or even to help with money too. hell, even my coworkers asked me if i was okay. they asked about my mom, and i told them, but then my supervisor asked "but how are YOU?" and i burst into tears

all this reminds me of that weird "discourse" i see around about how youre not supposed to ask friends for help because we're all adults and. i am 24. and in these weeks, i felt more like a helpless child than ive ever felt in my life

and yet

people came and helped

when youre needed, youre needed

and we didnt even ask. they just....showed up.

everybody we knew—friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family—they all showed up when we needed them

idk. i guess in this world it's really easy to feel really alone. i sure did. but youre really really not. i had no idea how many people were looking out for us, but they're here. they were here for us. ive lost count of how many people came to help, and isnt that a beautiful thing. i lost count of how many people helped

[leclerc-s]

track 001. logical

─── ❝ said i was too young, i was too soft. can't take a joke, can't get you off. oh, why do i do this? ❞ ───

masterlist // next

liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris, isabellaperez, and others

zoyatorres a while back i heard a beautiful piano piece composed by charles_leclerc. i adored the way he was able to compose such emotional pieces. i asked a friend to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to be apart of my next album. he agreed and he composed a couple pieces on my new album, GUTS, which is yours september 8th. for now, enjoy logical, an emotional song which captures exactly what i was feeling in that moment thanks to charles. and to isabellaperez, the only other person to understand my emotions, thank you for inspiring me to write this one. once again, grazie charles! gracias isabella! (ps enjoy these bts picture of me and charles as logical was being written) (pps isabella helped inspire a few of the songs on this album)

tagged: charles_leclerc, isabellaperez

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landonorris um…what the fuck? charles? isabella? why wasn’t i informed of this?

baileywinters you’re welcome people! i did this! i got this masterpiece out into the world!

↳ landonorris et tú, brute?

↳ baileywinters sorry babe but i was sworn to secrecy!

user01 is this not some sort of betrayal to mae? after everything that went down between the two.

↳ maejones not really considering zoya and i are on good terms. i also have a boyfriend, i've moved on, everyone else should too.

↳ charles_leclerc i spoke to mae before i said yes to this opportunity. if she said she was uncomfortable with me doing this i would've said no.

↳ zoyatorres as mae said, everyone involved in that situation has moved on, please do us all a favor and move on.

user02 i just know this song is going to break my heart in two and i haven't even heard it

charles_leclerc it was a pleasure working with you zoya! we should do it again sometime.

↳ zoyatorres get me a pass to the next grand prix and we’ll see

↳ charles_leclerc done! see you in miami!

↳ zoyatorres pleasure doing business with you mr. leclerc

isabellaperez thanks for letting me vent to you!

↳ zoyatorres those vents became beautiful songs isabella! so thank you to you and your wonderful brain!

user03 now this is a crossover i wasn't expecting

nataliaruiz oh thank god, i was going to lose it if i had to keep this a secret any longer.

maejones well that was emotional…i’m gonna go drown myself with a toaster

↳ maxverstappen1 no, you won’t. actually please don’t.

↳ rowantodd no one wants to deal with a grumpy max, please don't ever joke about that again. your sister is also pouting at her phone, please, don't make those jokes again.

nataliaruiz posted a new story

seen by charles_leclerc, zoyatorres, logansargeant and others

some more bts of the making of logical. zoya’s my favorite third wheel, she’s basically charles and i’s child now. freyavettel you have a sister now.

zoyatorres mom? nataliaruiz yes my child?

charles_leclerc she is not our child nataliaruiz too late the adoption papers have been filed with seb, maman leclerc approved it too and she practically lives with us chérie

pierregasly another one? isn't the one on the way enough? isn’t freya enough? nataliaruiz shut up, you tripod

arthur_leclerc another niece? you can't give me a nephew? nataliaruiz the universe has decided that charles is meant to be a girl dad. it told me so when it gave us freya as a first child and zoya as a second and our baby as the third arthur_leclerc freya and zoya aren't actually your children nat nataliaruiz and lando isn't carlos and penny's kid but they treat him like he is. we all have emotional support children, don't question me. arthur_leclerc alright fine.

natalia ruiz added one person

natalia ruiz meet my child zoya!

zoya torres is that fernando alonso in the picture?

freya vettel blackmail material from lance, so yes it’s nando

bailey winters lando’s been screaming logical for the past 20 minutes. make it stop please

lando norris i can’t believe you guys wouldn’t tell us about this! isa and i played sour on repeat for days!

daphne jones-ricciardo trust us, we remember

zoya torres holy shit. excuse me while i go scream in a pillow.

daniel jones-ricciardo she’s just like me. daph! she’s our child! natalia ruiz back the fuck up aussie, that is my second child with charles! pierre gasly you have an actual child together and she's met daphne before hasn't she? zoya torres i don't actually have her number. let me have this. god, the french ruin everything oscar piastri she's going to fit right in with us

logan sargeant on a completely different topic, who hurt zoya and charles? that is the saddest song i’ve heard all year and speak now (daphne’s version) was released a few days ago. i don’t need to ask about isa, we all know the answer to that.

george russell can’t believe i’m agreeing with an american but who hurt you two?

logan sargeant at least our queen is still alive mae jones we don’t have a queen? we are a democracy. florida has failed us once again. logan sargeant i was talking about your sister… rowan todd he’s got you there mae, all rise for our national anthem, death by a thousand cuts penelope trevino HALF OF YOU DIPSHITS LIVE IN MONACO! zoya torres can't believe i just met a bunch of tax evaders

natalia ruiz you literally just moved to monaco zoya. you are a tax evader now.

zoya torres it’s to be closer to my favorite leclerc, baby leclerc. arthur’s been bumped down to last arthur leclerc well fuck you, as if i wasn’t already. you’re my least favorite singer in this group.

esteban ocon everytime i open this groupchat up i worry for each and every single one of you

mick schumacher i agree with the french

logan sargeant history has proven that it has never happened. so this is a first lando norris enough with the history jokes dulce perez just because you can’t understand them doesn’t mean we have to stop

zoya torres to answer logan's question, my ex-boyfriend hurt me.

natalia ruiz we don't talk about that asshole alex albon just to clarify, we're not talking about joshua are we? zoya torres no, that's passed, we're friends now. i think?

max verstappen why the fuck is lando running around the hotel screaming?

max verstappen never mind i see now. hello zoya.

zoya torres hi max! charles leclerc YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER? zoya torres i had breakfast with mae and max once

lewis hamilton it’s a great song guys!

zoya torres what if i passed out right now? what if this was my 13th reason? all i ever needed was to make sir lewis hamilton proud. oscar piastri oh god, she’s just like logan dulce perez i worry for you people, i truly do.

isabella perez THAT BRIDGE? CAN'T BELIEVE I HELPED COME UP WITH THAT!

dulce perez with an ex like austin how could you not? isabella perez do you maybe, want to shut the fuck up?

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, maejones

zoyatorres mom said we had to come support dad in miami! peep my three different outfits (it was very hot for two of them, yes i did steal a helmet for a picture) don’t mom and baby leclerc look so cute? (i took that picture while we were waiting for mick and freya)

tagged: nataliaruiz, charles_leclerc, scuderiaferrari

user1 love how she opted to post a cute picture of natalia while embarrassing charles

↳ zoyatorres mom should never be embarrassed. dad on the other hand…

charles_leclerc i invited you to a grand prix and this is the payment i receive? (send me that picture of natti please?)

↳ zoyatorres will do father 🫡

scuderiaferrari it was an honor to have you in our garage (free concert tickets soon?)

↳ zoyatorres anything for my favorite admin

maejones did you enjoy your first ever grand prix?

↳ zoyatorres you bet i did! who knew watching cars go really fast in odd circles could be fun! baby leclerc made it more fun!

user2 i love that she’s been adopted into this family of weirdos so quickly.

↳ nataliaruiz she's one of us now, we're never letting her go.

↳ zoyatorres no other people i'd rather be friends with

↳ landonorris friends? who said anything about friends? we're family now

↳ dulceperez calm down dominic torretto. let the girl get used to our company before forcing her into this weird little family.

↳ zoyatorres i practically live with them...maman leclerc loves me…baby leclerc loves me

↳ user3 now this is something i wasn't expecting. baby leclerc has two big sisters, freya and zoya are the best big sisters, no doubt about it.

zoya was lost. it was that simple. she hadn't meant to wander off, but she had really needed to use the bathroom and freya had abandoned her. zoya would never get used to the paddock life, it was too chaotic for her. zoya preferred touring and tour buses, at least there it was a controlled chaos. she hoped she could find someone she was familiar with like mae or max, maybe they would help her out. or maybe she would die of embarrassment before she ever made her way to the ferrari garage.

too preoccupied with finding her way to the ferrari garage she failed to notice the 6ft wall in the shape of a human. she crashed into him and if it weren’t have been for his quick reflexes she would’ve fallen over. the wall grabbed her arm and pulled her close before she could touch the ground. it was then that she realized the wall wasn’t a wall and instead a human body. she pushed herself away from him, not that she wasn't thankful for his rescue, but he was a stranger, and zoya was not okay with random people touching her. maybe that was the downside of being a celebrity, people always thought they had a right to touch you or take pictures with you as if they knew you.

not that she wasn't grateful for her fans, she was, they were the reason she had the fame she did. it was the strangers who didn't even know her, and just saw a mob of people surrounding her, and decided it was okay with touching her. maybe she should bring that up with her therapist at their next meeting.

“you okay?” the human wall questioned. zoya nodded, letting go of his hand, “yeah, i got lost on my way back from the bathroom and freya ditched me so i have no clue where i’m going. i’ve been wandering this place for like 10 minutes and i still can’t find the ferrari garage.”

the human wall laughed, "considering that you're at the williams garage i'd say you're pretty far off."

"oh shit," zoya muttered, "i knew i was going in the wrong direction. this place should come with a map or something."

"i can take you to the ferrari garage?" the human wall offered. zoya glanced at him, noticing the fireproofs he was wearing, "and you are?"

"logan sargeant," he answered.

“well, logan sargeant, i’m zoya torres,” she introduced, “and i would very much like help getting back to the ferrari garage.”

logan laughed again, “pleasure zoya. it’s nice to properly meet you.”

“likewise.”

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel and others

zoyatorres the leclerc family takes on miami! not pictured is arthur pouting over a fallen piece of cake and lorenzo laughing at him. pictured is freya staring lovingly at mick while he causes baby leclerc to giggle.

tagged: charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel, arthur_leclerc, lorenzotl, mickschumacher

view all comments

user1 i guess charles really did steal seb's daughter

arthur_leclerc wow no picture of me or enzo? guess who isn't my favorite niece

↳ zoyatorres you literally told me to not take any pictures of you cause you looked like shit? and the one i did take, as mentioned in the caption, you didn’t want me posting.

freyavettel out of all the pictures you took of me, you picked that one?

↳ zoyatorres it's the one where you look most in love with mick

↳ user2 she's literally one of us. she's a mastermind who wormed her way into natalia's heart and now they're never going to let her go

↳ user3 but does mick have mom and dad’s approval?

↳ zoyatorres he has mine! i love mick, he’s a sweetheart. he’s also my sweets provider

↳ charles_leclerc jury’s still out

logansargeant it was nice to meet you zoya! pleasure getting to know the girl behind the music landonorris and isabellaperez are always screeching

↳ zoyatorres pleasure meeting the american rookie! thanks for helping me find my way to the ferrari garage

↳ charles_leclerc back off american 🤺

↳ zoyatorres you're not my dad!

↳ user4 and we know who wouldn’t have dad’s approval.

¡leclerc-s speaks! american rookie it’s your time to shine baby! although you haven’t had the best season, we still love you. double update today baby!! manifesting a win or podium for charles this weekend

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[bubblybloob]

Hey, so this kind of turned into a vent. Be wary going in, but it’s important if you engage some with my stuff. I think I’ve been thinking about it more as btg has become more active, and wanted to get it all off my chest.

I’ve wanted to bring this up for a while now, after my popularity grew. I’m sure some people have noticed my lack of joy at the 500 followers milestone, and the 600 one, but it’s a bit more complicated than on the surface.

So, there was something I haven’t really mentioned. It wasn’t ever really a secret, I just didn’t feel it was important, and was always taught it was dangerous to talk about and to dance around the subject if brought up. But I’ve noticed that the people on Tumblr find this kind of important to know when interacting. I know people on here can get really hostile, and this kind of became a secret because of that. I don’t know if it’s bad that I haven’t said anything or not, but I thought I should still make a post anyway.

So, I’m, in my country, since I know it might be younger or older in other places, a minor.

Okay most important stuff first. Yes, I’ve said or drawn mildly suggestive stuff, that’s mostly because I’m very unaffected by it and find it more amusing (I might be a little ace idk), though I do purposely keep stuff I make mostly tame simply because like- still technically a kid. I’ve seen stuff far more suggestive from afar before and just nod and say “mm, yes, that exists” and indifferently move the hell on with my life.

Being part of the STP community has been really strange for me and not all in good ways. I hate hate hate people looking up to me, or being jealous, or having anxiety talking to me because- in my head- I’m just doing everything and talking to everyone I can because I like making stuff and talking to people, and I feel so uncomfortable up on this pedestal where I’m held so high, but if I make one wrong step I’ll have tomatos thrown at me. It’s a really claustrophobic and isolating position and feeling and it makes me feel sick, anxious, stressed, and really really scared.

I like the community I’m in and friends I’ve made, but I’m really afraid I’ll say something unusual or wrong or maybe even offensive since I don’t know everything I’m supposed to say or do. I don’t know how to act when someone’s depressed, I don’t know how people feel about shipping, or designs for characters who canonically don’t have a physical appearance, or what the opinion is on all of the nsfw content. I do the Homer Simpson bush meme whenever I see it pop up because if there’s something that I do know, it’s that people don’t want minors reading their blorbos being sexy with each other.

(Side note: The amount of times I’ve accidentally clicked on an explicit fic thinking ‘Oo what’s this’ and then seeing what’s going to happen is… not staggering, actually. But enough for me to laugh in hindsight. I scroll to the bottom to read the comments to confirm my suspicions, and get the hell out. Happened with the same fics multiple times too because I forgot they were explicit and that I’d encountered them in the first place, wondered why I never read them and then boom, flashback, I never read the description like the fool I am).

And there’s the thing isn’t it. Some parts of fandom culture, it feels like all I can do is mess up. I just don’t know how I can handle all the fear of this attention?

Like, I don’t hate it. I like interacting, I like that people love my art despite my grievances with parts of my style, I’ve been so motivated to grow and get better because of everyone. You can all look at my oldest STP post and newest one and see the differences plainly.

But it’s really so much, and I’m as grateful as I am terrified. I’m terrified of hurting someone’s feelings when I don’t mean to. Like, what if I follow someone and they get excited because I’m a “big name” and then I decide to unfollow for whatever reason I might have at the time? I might crush that person’s soul or want to interact.

Despite my willingness, I do have problems with some ships, but I can’t voice any because what if I start a big argument with a bunch of people involved instead of the normal discussion I wanted to have? People are more likely to take my side because I’m the popular person, and we all know popular people are always right about everything and we must regurgitate their opinions without any thought put into how you actually feel. And then I’ll make whoever I was talking to retreat for a really long time, and everything will be awful and terrible forever and ever.

I can’t do that to people! I’ve been those people! I’ve was told things by people I looked up to and would get so so so upset, because I’m really emotional. I don’t want to hurt someone who might be sensitive like me.

I really just wanted to get all these feelings off my chest. Sorry if it got pretty venty. I’m open to discussing it, I’m still really scared to post this, it’s my only ever vent post, but I’ll try not to just save it in my drafts and let it rot.

[nikitasys]

LIFE WITHOUT FILTER AS A TRAUMAGENIC POLYFRAG+PARTIALLY PROGRAMMED DID SYSTEM

TW : vent, rant, ramcoa, programming, su!c!de mention

(I'm in desperate need for advice, for some kind of guidance or support from other progged systems who may have gone through something similar to what we're describing in this post, or not but who may have ideas of what might be going on with us.)

I stg life has been so exhausting & I just have to unmask & say it SOMEWHERE.

We're a relatively newly discovered+diagnosed system since I realised we were one in August/September of last year (2023). Before that we had been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for several years.

When I first realised we were multiple, I progressively began discovering the other alters. The whole process (we're also in trauma therapy) was difficult & messy but overall as days went by I personally felt more & more satisfied to see/feel how much progress we were making, even with all the highs & lows it entailed. I got to meet & learn to know a few alters, we were able to work on some of our problematic in-sys dynamics & slowly but surely understand ourselves better, both as individuals & as a whole.

Long story short, we were PROGRESSING.

Then things got even messier as our trauma therapy caused even more lifting of the dissociative amnesia in our childhood & we progressively realised we were polyfrag & had been through RAMCOA & programming. (That happened end of February/beginning of March 2024)

The whole process was getting more & more chaotic & distressful but we (me + the rest of our group of main fronters) were pretty determined to figure things out & keep on going forward, which was extremely annoying to a bunch of programmed alters who immediately tried their best to keep us quiet/isolated & make us feel insane/terrified by trying to make us go back to our primary abuser, OR convince our psychiatrist to put us on antipsychotics & hospitalise us, OR leave the place we live in to go who-knows-where & ghost everyone we knew, OR off ourself etc... in a nutshell, it was really freaking hard.

But some of us were determined to keep trying to do what was best for us, to keep trying to get better, to gain at least some kind of free will, to LIVE.

I'm sorry, this post is way too long.

But anyway, now it's been a few months since I just don't know what's going on with us anymore. The veryyyy little visualisation I could have of our innerworld is gone, all the main fronters seem to have truly disappeared (mass dormancy?) as well as the vast majority of alters we had identified up to this day. It seemed that I was frontstuck for a long while, & now it's been a few weeks that alters just randomly pop up (whether they front or stay co-conscious) & then disappear almost immediately after as if nothing had happened & I just... I feel so lost.

It's all just so frustrating you know ? To me it truly feels like something MAJOR happened inside both to our innerworld + all the alters & I'm being deliberately locked away from the truth of what it is. I feel like I'm being punished, & tbh I probably am. I'm in a lot of denial about our programming but the whole thing definitely feels like one (or more ?) internal handler/programmer has been orchestrating some kind of system reboot or hardcore scramble or... I DON'T KNOOOW 😭 I just don't know anything anymore. It's like nothing ever happened & it's particularly distressing, you know ? It is SO weird to know deep down that massive stuff is going on inside yourself but at the same time you know nothing & it all makes me wonder if I ever knew anything in the first place ? These thoughts make me dizzy af. It just feels like since syscovery there was overall progress happening, & now there's just nothing. As if everything had been suddenly turned off & restarted or... I just don't know.

Anyway. I realise no one will read this post entirely, but if for some reason you are doing it, first of all congrats & also, THANK YOU.

Don't hesitate to contact us via DMs or comment if you have any questions or advice, we'll be more than happy to answer you to the best of our abilities. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP 🙏🏻

— host (I think?)

[pommunist]

Honestly, I've been very scared to keep posting about the situation, since I don't want people who follow me to think I'm ''too negative'' or judge me when I'm not remaining as positive as before, or to bring negative posts to dashes of people that I know are very stressed about this. And I appreciated before how you are a safe place for neg thoughts, so I'm here to vent a little bit if that's okay.

My experience since the reveal can be described as a rollercoaster that only has been going down.

I was incredibly stressed when Lèa revealed everything, but remained hopeful that things could change for the better. I had trust.

At first, the next few days after that, I thought the leaks of the changes made were odd since they looked like they lacked context, and the lack of context could lead to fandom outrage, which I was worried about at the time. Why was I worried? Well, I still had trust right things were in progress to be done. Looking back into that, while we got the context later on and it reassured me then, not jumping into immediate conclusions and waiting for more points of views was more my way of protecting my mind from spiraling further into distress, all while knowing full well that Lèa has only acted with the best intentions and none of this was in bad faith.

Then we get hit with this: Admin after admin are leaving, and it gets to the point that Lumi and Shade leave, because the communication never existed in that workplace and priorities were proved to be incredibly out of place. My trust was B R O K E N. And like I promised an anon back then, I finally allowed disappointment to sink in.

And why was my trust broken? Fun fact: When it matters to me, I have good memory, and I remember Q's statements. The words and the actions are not matching.

- He said that he was going to collect testimonies and investigate. Ah yes, the investigation tactic of not contacting anyone in the workplace and actually gathering their testimonies, I heard it's a good source of information to make important changing decisions /srcsm.

- He said the CCs were being updated about the changes. Then we see CCs saying they actually don't know shit going on bts except for a couple of general announcements.

And there may be other stuff that does not match, but those two are the most relevant to me right now.

Like, genuinely I didn't even care about whatever the fuck Q said after Lumi and Shade's statements, and any other post that tries to reassure the fanbase just feels like very hopeful thinking, that I used to have, but I DON'T anymore. It feels like false promises and looking for things that make sense, when, really, that shouldn't be our job. At this point I need tangible proof of improvement, not just words because these fucking words have proved to not be enough for me to believe whatever the fuck Q says it's being done.

I can't even trust fully that the merch money will actually go to payment for the remaining admins and compensation for the ones who left. That would be the best case scenario, but can I even TRUST this scenario to occur? Right now, no, I don't think so, I have not been given proof to trust this. And seeing any merch with Pomme, Dapper or Ramon in the Qsmp Awards just felt extremely wrong and I hated it.

When you are a Huevito, this has been wild: First, Artea leaves, and then, Shade reveals to us that Ramon's OG admin was fired around the time Artea took the role, while this entire time most of the Huevitos thought the OG admin was back around the last days of february. It feels worse when you can connect the dots about what happened with Ramon's OG admin, when we know that he was extremely busy with school last time we saw him, and we consider Lèa saying how management would fire you if you were not active enough...

Must clarify, all the love to BOTH Ramon's OG admin and Artea, they both killed it with the role, they are both wonderful people and I wish the best to them and the new Ramon admin that was with us at the beginning of march aswell. Also all the love to them. Must be hard to play a character that was played and developed by two different people before, and the effort is deeply appreciated.

I also feared to say the above since I was scared to spread misinformation somehow. But honestly, I'm trusting Shade's words, you know, the one who's best friend irl with Ramon's OG admin should know full well what they are talking about and the status of employment of said best friend.

And when you have been a ghostie for months since basically the beginning: This shit SUCKS and people are SO EXTREMELY VALID for being upset and grieving.

I think no company should ghost their employees even when they are ACTIVELY TRYING TO REACH OUT. Fucking paranoia of leaks ain't cutting it for me as an excuse for this mistreatment and I don't blame Lumi and Shade at all for taking the decision that was healthier for themselves after that. Just a ''we can't say much right now due to legal reasons, but we are still slowly working on it'', LITERALLY JUST THAT HAD TO BE SAID, WDYM NOT EVEN THAT.

The french community have every right to be angry after this. The CCs stated they were leaving if Lumi left, and that's an entire language going away from the server. Yeah, no shit they are upset.

And I want to just grab Bad by the shoulders and say YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY ON THE SERVER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU ARE CLEARLY DISTRESSED, DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND WELL BEING, WE UNDERSTAND.

Of course I want this to turn out for the best, like everyone. I believe the basis of this project was a wonderful idea, and I'm grateful for the positive things it had brought. But this shit is not being resolved the right way, as we could see. And with Q seemingly no understanding the underlying issue, then why would I remain as hopeful as before.

Another fun fact: When you break my trust, it's really fucking hard to gain it back or for that to happen in the first place, so.

I have stated that my hyperfixation to Qsmp has died out, since I decided to keep my distance in order to collect my thoughts, reflect, breathe and do what's best for myself. Nowadays I only would watch two specific CCs play, but if at some point they decide to leave, which I would not blame them if it reached that point, then that would be it for me. I would be done with it. I don't blame the people who also feel this way or the ones who think it is already over.

If I'm only staying here it's purely for love for this community. In the anniversary, I could not bring myself to say happy birthday to the Qsmp, I said happy birthday to Qsmpblr instead. I love the people I have met and interacted with here dearly. Even if our opinions don't match, because hope and trust have left me, the love is still there, you know?

That would be everything I wanted to get out of my chest, sorry for the big text and angry rambling. I would prefer to stay anonymous for this one. Take care, Pommunist.

Hey anon ! I don’t really know what to say in response to all this, just that I agree with most of what you just said here.

The feeling of being afraid that you’re being too negative too often ahah big same here ! I didn’t think my blog would turn into what it is when i made it, and I felt many time like I was bothering people with my frequent posts on the situation (I also know I’m not the best at tagging stuff I promise I try my best though !).

We have to remember that we aren’t being negative for fun or drama, we are just talking about a situation that is negative so of course this isn’t going to be fun and rainbows. And personally I’d rather do that than « faire l’autruche » as we say in french (Translation would be : to do the ostrich aka to put your head in the ground so you can ignore your problems), as it is too serious of an issue .

Also using your post to express my admiration and gratitude to Ramon’s OG admin and Artea because they both did an amazing job playing him and shaping him into the character we love so much (Our beautiful baby boy).

And yes, the community is great ! Even if you don’t feel like watching the server or at least less than before, we should still interact with the wonderful people thanks to it ! Also, keep sharing fanarts, fanfics, anything ! the artists are blessing us with wonderful art and stories they still deserve our support ! I understand people who do but we don’t have to stop talking about something we love altogether if we don’t want to, the things that made us like it are still here, at the end of the day we can keep that love at least.

My thoughts are so disjointed here anon I’m sorry but lots of love to you ! As someone who was hyper fixated on it too, the fall from grace was particularly painful, can relate 😣

I’ll reiterate that I don’t mind anons at all, you don’t have to justify yourself ! It just makes a bit sad the number of people who told me they didn’t feel like they could express their thoughts publicly.

Take care too ! ♥️

[hunkydorkling]

grieving-vent post that is only meant to process things for me, and by no means an open criticism at what makes things the way they are now -- groups, communities, and the like.

there was a line from a post that drifted ashore briefly which made me chuckle for a bit before dread started to trickle overhead. how there's only so many times one can turn off their brain when watching CK. over the course of four months in between part drops, i thought about rewatching season 5 with betsy and i made the exact same comment. it really is the best way to enjoy it, i'm sure, taking it in as it is and closing your eyes on the more Questionable stuff. if i narrowed in to just season 5, it'd already be a stretch, but doable at best. tolerable at the very least.

it didn't use to be like this before season 3 dropped. like, not at all, and i only came in once they announced that cobra kai would be streaming on netflix. this is a whole other topic altogether, but as i write this with the intention of touching upon how the Fandom Shift started, and all the rifts and divides it had to encourage until it just withered, i often ask myself if there was anything even worth salvaging experiential in this fandom. if the efforts of all the amazing mods i know will have sufficient returns knowing the amount of work each and every one who organizes AND participates, but also knowing that it's rough to be able to stimulate any kind of activity. i'm still holding out the hope to stay in this fandom for the next 2-3 years or so since my one-year sabbatical, but i'm just as saddened to realize that there's very little to come back to. there is very little joy to be shared with people anymore, and those who've made this a very interesting place to be in just happened to have moved on. it's just the way it is now. still, it's quite painful to be met with that conclusion.

there's only one part left until CK ends for good as a series. there are varying levels of enjoyment people have for it now, which is okay. but now i'm still made to wonder how far i can actually enjoy it outside of the tumblr sphere now knowing that it's someplace i think i'm outgrowing now, despite the immense love i have for the universe it started at. anybody who's ever cried over this goddamn franchise knows how much everything stays in your mind, from the characters to the storylines to the values it instills. and i'm going to miss how it made me feel in 2020 when i'm reduced to giggle fits just reading some fantastic AU idea #234 with lawrusso. how i tried to make hawkmeat happen because it was just kitschy, okay, i didn't think people would like it as much as i liked using it! but now that's just the way things are! happiness in fandom spaces are fleeting but the relationship one has with it very much lives on.

while this is by no means a goodbye post, i guess i'm relieved to have separated my identity from this show to move on. it doesn't mean i can't grieve about the lazy writing we've had to fare with. i just really miss the good days.

[hwashotcheeto]

This is a vent post that will probably get deleted, but it's still important to get it out.

I've been genuinely considering going inactive for quite some time now.

Everything in my life has been so incredibly stressful. Fuck, even living right now is exhausting.

It's hard to struggle to even stay alive. It's hard to tell yourself to keep living. It's so goddamn hard to stay alive, when everything hurts, and you feel so alone despite the friends and family you have, when nothing makes you happy.

It's so hard. It's so fucking hard.

I can't even think about writing right now. I'm no where near well enough to be able to write anything.

It's still going to be a while before I publish what I've promised, but I'm not taking on any new projects. I'm finishing what I have.

And after...who knows.

I really don't know. But I'm not going to disappear without saying anything.

We'll see what the future holds.

For those of you who've still supported me, thank you. It means everything and more. You're wonderful. 💜

[cookinguptales]

guess it's time for the vent post

(note: I will be okay. usually my ketamine treatments help with pmdd symptoms, but occasionally a treatment won't hit quite right and things will get worse for a couple days. I'll be okay, though, I'm just feeling... well, a cocktail of self-doubt, anxiety, loneliness, and overthinking. lmao)

anyway, full disclosure, this won't be a very nice or happy post and is probably the kind of thing I would've posted in a locked LJ entry back in the day but that doesn't really exist in the same way anymore so just bear with me. I need to just. get it out somewhere.

lately I've really been worrying that I'm not capable of being in a normal relationship anymore. like, I was never great at social interaction, but I'll admit that things really took a fucking nosedive after a particularly bad relationship with a woman who. well, I don't think it's a night for particulars. she was an adult and I wasn't. I was very lost, very lonely, and very sick back then, and she really enjoyed being the only person I felt like I could count on.

I... was wrong, I guess.

and... idk, I've definitely had a lot of nights since then (and days with therapists) where I try to sort through how exactly that affected me and my ability to form meaningful romantic relationships. I have a difficult time feeling safe with people. honestly, I did even before her (I had... a very fucked-up home life) but it was harder after. and let's just say that a lot of my friends at the time turned out to be... less than friendly when the shit hit the fan.

so... yeah. hard for me to open up to people in a meaningful way, I guess. like, I can tell strangers about my anxieties, but it becomes harder for me to do once we're friends. and even then, I guess I can trust people with my thoughts but not my... idk, emotional safety.

once when I was pretty tipsy I told a friend that I didn't think I could love the kind of person who would actually love me back, and I still worry that it's true. I allow myself feelings very rarely, and when I do, it's always for people who don't feel the same way.

I never... like... set out to do it... I don't think it's a conscious thing. I fell for straight girls a few times. then bi girls with boyfriends. I did eventually make it to single lesbians, but they always ended up either getting girlfriends, not wanting to date at all, or just not wanting to date me.

to be clear, I don't blame any of them. but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should be blaming me...? like, I never knew that any of them were straight or coupled or uninterested when I developed feelings myself. but I wonder if subconsciously, I picked up on it...?

for a while now, I've been genuinely worried that My Type is girls who aren't into me. :')

like, not consciously. but subconsciously, am I just picking up on the fact that they're not attracted to me? or they're safely ensconced in another relationship? or they are comfortably not dating at all? but either way, they're not looking at me like a potential partner, and I like that?

some days I feel like I've mostly healed from everything that happened, and other days I feel like I'm just going to be broken and fucked-up and unlovable forever. like, jesus christ, have I learned to associate people who actually want me with danger? do I only feel safe with people who aren't attracted to me? is that why that's the only kind of person I ever want to date?

good god, that's fucked up.

I mean, the only two alternatives, really, are that I am just incredibly unlucky or the meaner parts of me are right and people really just don't want a fat cripple with a mediocre personality.

the latter probably isn't entirely true. men are easy, unfortunately, and I'd be happier if they didn't want me.

(and then you run into the special kind of anger that happens when a woman that a man thought was beneath them actually turns them down, oof. guess they thought the girl with the cane would be more desperate, huh?)

and I've been on a few dating app dates with girls who seemed to like me well enough, but like. just no chemistry whatsoever.

is the special spark??? a woman not wanting me???

food for fucking thought.

anyway, I guess I just kind of avoided thinking about it for a long time but I'm in my mid30s now and it kind of feels like I have avoided things for too long now! that's pretty old to have never had a long-term relationship! other than with the fucking creep who wanted to ~teach me about sex~ back when I was young and less disabled and maybe still worth something!

I guess that was uncalled for, but some days I really do feel like there was a window and boy did I fucking miss it. like everyone else had this chance to learn their way around a romance and I spent mine hooked up to hospital wires and texting with a grown-ass woman who fed on youth.

I recognize that a key part of grooming -- and abusive relationships in general -- is their ability to make you feel like they are the only person who will ever love you. I also recognize that these people are very good at finding the one kid in the room who believes at their core that they will never be loved. (or even make it to age 20, I guess. didn't know if the whole intermittent blindness thing was going to kill me or not back then.)

but goddamn do I still feel like she hollowed me out and took all the parts of me that were lovable with her. like maybe she will be the only woman who ever wants me, and that's fucking horrifying to think about.

there are nights where you just stare at the wall and wonder what made you so damn attractive to pedophiles, y'know? I knew enough at that age to shake off the men, but her? didn't even see it coming.

and I suppose there are the worse nights, the ones where you wonder if normal, well-adjusted, not-creepy people never would have wanted you even if you weren't too damaged to carry on a real relationship. like maybe I was insufferable enough without the ptsd. catnip for creeps and not much else.

damn, dude, why am I so good at pulling men who follow me home from the bus stop but not women who actually care about my well-being. that's the question.

idk. I feel like at this point, like... 75% of me has come to terms with it. like, I guess it's just not something that happens to everybody. not everyone finds someone who loves them and who they love in return. not everyone is cut out for that life.

but then I look at my own writing and the way I just keep doing it, I just keep latching onto broken characters who have had the best parts of them hollowed out, who believe that they are unlovable, and I write a story that says no, you're not. Here, I've made someone for you who loves you wholly and desperately, even broken as you are.

and I feel like that must be the last 25%, huh? or at least the part of me that wants to comfort broken creatures, whether those creatures are characters I made up or ones I didn't or my readers or the people I read about on the news or maybe a 15yo kid who just wanted someone to fucking love her.

I want to take care of her so badly now. I want to love her in a good way, not the selfish kind that takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. But I guess I just don't know how.

I realized the other day that I just wrote a book that I would have loved at that age. Now I kind of feel like I've been writing bedtime stories for a ghost.

I'll be okay. I always am. It's just... a rough night. They come and they have always come and they will always come and all I can do is write.

Just wish it were something more comforting this time. :')

[compassionatereminders]

So I'm wondering if you have any advice for this kind of situation I've been kinda stuck in.... so I'm autistic (so is my partner) and I don't have the best communication skills or hearing. I've been working on it, and I often use apps or DBT skills. It is very hard to misunderstand templates to get info across to people in my life because otherwise, I struggle. A lot. So, my partner and I have a lot of communication issues due to that, and we downloaded a communication app made for partners with all kinds of quizzes and prompts as well as ways to mark significant events in our relationship. It was my suggestion and we've both loved it a lot so far because it really does help usually, but lately we've been having relationship issues due to his mindset that every emotion I feel towards him due to his actions is debatable enough to argue with me about and then he'll mansplain effective communication to me, it's like his new favorite thing, so yesterday he sent me a prompt about expressing our emotions (that tbh I knew was going to bring up issues) that was meant to help us both express ourselves more clearly and give us time to think about what we're going to say since we can't see each other's answers before we submit our own. His was short and mostly pertained to our financial struggles, his career, and how our dog's misbehavior has been making everything difficult lately. Mine, however, was so much more in-depth and displayed a lot of emotions (not aggressively from my standpoint) that discussed all of the issues I've had lately (mainly that due to how hard our situation is currently, my ADHD has been sending curveball after curveball to my ability to function and because I'm depressed about how much I have to do, I've also been dissociating with no ways that have worked to stop it so far. Especially since he keeps on adding more tasks to my list of things to do while all he does is work, eat, sleep, and do maybe one chore a week (which upsets him a lot to do because that's apparently my job even though he wants me to also get employment on top of doing all of the housework and taking care of the animals and myself). Also, the fact that he yells at me for little mistakes all the time, which only makes me create more mistakes and continues the cycle of yelling and messing up...) I sent it last night right before bed, hoping to get through to him, but it really didn't. Instead, he sent me an itemized list with a screenshot that highlighted every single part of my vent that he either didn't agree with or thought was invalid and decided to debate me on my feelings. Now I should mention that I don't have an easy way to live elsewhere (and I've debated doing that for a bit just to get some space and figure things out for myself and see if things improve), but I'm wondering (just to get a consensus) what kind of advice you'd give me? Like maybe resources or something potentially?

I don't write or collect resources as stated in my pinned post, but it honestly sounds like your partner is deliberately utilizing "therapy speech" as a tool to manipulate and dismiss you, which is the opposite of "effective communication" and not constructive at all. It sounds like he's manipulating and gaslighting you into feeling like you can't and shouldn't voice your concerns, and that's both worrying, toxic and not at all constructive - no matter how much fancy terminology he learns