#dont come at me about i should have left it
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I’m not coming down
Cate Dunlap x Male Reader
Request: Could you do Cate Dunlap using her powers to get male reader to fall in love with her after she regrets rejecting him for golden boy
You asked Cate out on a date and she rejected you. You felt your heartbreak and you don't want to be around anyone.
“Y/N, can we still be friends?” Cate asked.
Cate feels bad but she had to tell you the truth. You have a feeling that she likes Luke aka Golden Boy. You don't say anything and just walk away.
“Y/N?” Cate said.
She wanted to go after you but she didn't. She just watched you walk away and she hopes you don't hate her. She meets up with Luke and she gets into a relationship with him. You told your friends what happened and they tried to cheer you up, but you told them to leave you alone. They leave you alone and you go to your dorm room. You lie down in bed and sigh. You wipe the tears away and you don't bother to look at your phone.
You have been friends with Cate since your first day at God U. You always had feelings for her but it took a long time to confess your feelings to her. You are close with her and you thought she would feel the same. You don't know if you can be friends with her again.
You close your eyes and you start to doubt yourself. You open your eyes and you dont move out of bed. Your friends are worried about you but they need to give you space for now.
A week later…
Your friend Jordan Li went to check up on you. You turned around not to face him but he made you face him.
“Get out of bed,” Jordan said.
“No,” You said.
“You have been locked in your room all week. You need to shower, eat, and get some fresh air” Jordan said
“Now you are keeping tabs on me?” You said
“Fine you let me no choice, Y/N” Jordan said
“What?” You said
He used his strength to pick you up to make you stand up.
“Don’t bother using your powers on me. Go shower and I’ll buy lunch,” Jordan said.
“Fine,” You said.
You grabbed your clothes and went to take a shower. You did leave your dorm room and he bought you lunch.
“I know Cate rejected you but you have to move on, Y/N. Date around and have fun” Jordan said.
“I thought she was going to say yes. But I don't know about going on dates” You said.
“I mean date and get laid or not. I just mean have fun and kiss different girls or whatever you are into. We are in college and we should be having fun while dating. I know this girl in my class, I think you might like her” Jordan said.
“I will think about it,” You said
You continued to eat your French fries. Jordan starts to talk about stuff to cheer you up, then he steals some of your French fries.
✫ ✫ ✬ ✬
You haven't spent time or spoken to Cate. You are slowly moving on and Jordan is happy about that. Cate is always checking her phone to see if you texted her, but you don't. She called you but you ignore her calls and you don't text back when she sends you a text.
She thought dating Luke was going to be perfect but she was wrong. He barely spends any time with her and he always wants to hang out with his friends. Cate has to force him to take her out on dates, he hates it. He is always on his phone texting other girls, Cate tells him to stop but he won't stop.
Cate is outside waiting for Luke to show up for lunch. But she sees you talking to a girl and you are making her smile. You gave her a flower because it was her birthday and she loved it. Cate has started regretting picking Luke over you. The girl gave you a hug and you hugged her back, then you left with the girl. Cate was hoping you would look at her or talk to her but you didn't. Luke never arrived and she went to look for him
“I was waiting for you!” Cate yelled
“I was busy,” Luke said.
“Busy doing what? I texted you and you left me on read!” Cate yelled
“Stop yelling!” Luke yelled
“We are done!” Cate yelled
“Whatever,” Luke said.
Cate just left and Luke kept hanging out with his friends. Cate starts to think about you and starts to wonder what would have happened if she said yes. While thinking then she gets an idea and she starts to think about how to get you alone.
———
The next day….
Cate knows your class schedule by heart. She waits in the hallway and you walk out of class while texting. She starts to follow you and you head to your next class. Cate waited for her moment and she kept following you. You stopped and you continued to text
“Y/N, can we talk,” Cate said
“Why?” You asked.
“I’m sorry. Y/N, I shouldn't have picked Luke over you” Cate said
You don't notice she takes off her left glove.
“Cate, I’m not going to be your second choice. I care about you but it's different now” You said.
“Please don't say that,” Cate said.
You were going to walk away but she grabbed your hand, and her powers activated.
“Y/N, you are in love with me. You are my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend. The girl you are dating doesn't matter anymore and you will forget about her. And you won't remember me rejecting you for Luke. We are in a relationship” Cate said.
“I do love you, Cate,” You said.
Cate smiled and she moved her hand away. She puts the glove back on and she keeps smiling.
“I was thinking how about we go out tonight as boyfriend and girlfriend” Cate said
“Of course. There is a new movie that came out, maybe we can see it” You smiled
She put her hands behind your neck and felt her lips on yours. She starts to kiss you and you start to kiss her back. He kisses better than Luke, Cate thought to herself. She pulled away and she fixed your shirt and she was smiling.
“I will see you later, babe. Call me later?” Cate said.
“Yeah, i will call you after class is over,” You said
“Good,” Cate said.
You head to class and she walks away smiling.
✫ ✫ ✬ ✬
Jordan became angry when they found out you were dating Cate.
“Y/N, what the hell!? Y/N, you said that you are over Cate” Jordan yelled.
“She is my girlfriend and I care about her,” You said
“But you dating Jenny and she really cares about you,” Jordan said
“Who is Jenny? I’m happy with Cate and you better respect my relationship or else” You said
“I can't believe you, Y/N you are an idiot,” Jordan said.
Jordan walked away and you went to see your girlfriend. You take Cate out on a date and she is speechless that you got her a rose.
“You didn't have to buy me a rose, babe” Cate smiled.
“I know but I wanted to. Ready to go?” You said
“Yeah, I’m ready,” Cate said.
She kissed you on the lips then she left with you. She is holding your hand and you take her to the movies. You are treating her better than how Luke was treating her. During the movie, you put your arm around and she has her head on your chest.
#Cate Dunlap x male reader#cate dunlap x reader#x male reader#male!reader#male reader#gen v imagine#cate dunlap imagine#male reader fanfic#male reader insert
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Adding on I feel that people who defend Jinx or dont' think about who she killed is due to the fact that its enforcers/corrupt politians so they go with they got what they deserve but I think that ignores how like it or not those people are very much still human and you can't just go around murdering people with zero consequences bad people should get prison time but not outright murdered. And how jinx somehow becomes a syombol for zaun despite working for silco and.. causing more stress for zaun after blowing up the capital building makes little sense to me. Jinx herself didn't even want to be a symbol just wanted her family back. she's not a Hero because she kills Cops.. she's a traumatized girl who needed mental help
btwIhatecops I have very bad experiences with em. been accused of drug selling ifyacanbelivetitwascrazy. and a cop towed our car making us even more poor. . but i dont think we should murder em either or as a poor person myself with my own mental issues that killing is ever justified and it seems that some people think because jinx has trauma =murderis fine but caits trauma hurting people=evil monster when the lesson is i think .. Violence is BAD no matter if your poor/rich don't hurt people.
now Caitlyn she is treated like she Killed millions.. and that her hate of jinx is treated as a shrug cause she was born rich.. As if that makes trauma less valid..
I don't blame her for hating jinx while it was jinx being fused with shimmer that caused jinx mental state to get even worse.. caitlyn was kidnapped while NAKED.. Tied up, and saw jinx kill her mom.. all in like a DAY..
She met vi for what 2 days? got kidnapped nearly killed by her sister/ had her mom blew up by her crush sister. Im not saying its an excuse to gas zaun but how come when Jinx gasses piltover and we see it affecting kids =no criticism at all.. Jinx is a hero =cait is the villian .. But I see no heroes I just see. People.
Traumatized Woman who lost their parents in horrible ways coping in terrible ways. Only one gets treated as do no wrong/other as innocent when its not that simple.
I don't get the hate for either I like Em both I was rather disappointed they didn't go more Crazy but i dont think some of ya'll can handle Crazy woman..shame. I really thought the end of s1 was setting up Arcane Game Jinx instead we got Woobie pitful Jinx when s1 was way more interseting.. and I thought we'd see Cait doing worse and according to fandom she did do worse but i wanted more more insanity. ..
and timebome while cute wasn't needed and i thought took away from the impact of isha's death since the ep happened right after.. and that it came out of nowhere.. I don't understand people saying caitvi sex scene makes no sense they were horny for eachother since season 1.. it was bound to happen and i thought it was perfect emotions were high. Let woman act on emotions humans are emotional people.. that scene was a long time coming. and i say that as someone who didn't really ship em in s1 that moment was long overdue. Maddie was also cute to me but I love REDHEADS I felt she needed more screentime her betrayal left zero impact to me cause .. I barely knew her .. same with Vis new male friend death..
The main criticism I have is to much music video montages.. i give the season a 6/10 .. needed 2 more episodes or to skip the au ep all together and.. focus on ekko/jinx not powder/ekko for timebomb to hold better weight
but that just my opinion.. Im poor and I dont think cait had more power over vi at all.. if anything Jinx held power over Vi.. as vi felt she had to save Powder.. but for all the people saying it should have ended like elsa/ana storyline of sisterly love. while that's all fine and and dandy.. . I gotta say you're family who commits terrible actions isn't your responbility to save and the sory isn't bad because it didnt' cater to the disney storyline of happily ever after for jinx/vi some of ya'll wanted .
I think s1 is better but not because jinx/vi didn't get the happy ending just thought we wasted time on other plots more when we should have had more time with Vi outside of Jinx and noticed jinx was. a lot different that it felt like a new character in general .
.. butohwell.. its not terrible its just alright to me.
With the way people hate on caitlyn it's like she murdered bunches of people when I recall it was jinx who was killing people with zero remorse in s1 no hate to jinx but man her actions get ignored it's her fault that zaun gets targeted in since she blew up the capital
Also its sad that it's come to women vs women characters when both are good characters
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Its 3am and I just caught an escaped horse, which then galloped up a 3 mile lane with me running one arm on it one looped through the two belts I caught it with in the pitch black through mud and puddles and potholes, and then nearly got us both hit by a truck coming out of the lane. Oh and then a second horse escaped, got her in too somehow, and I can't stop hysterically laughing????? Like I can't breathe because I'm uncontrollably laughing?? The farmer didn't even say thanks, I nearly died at least three times and he didn't even say thanks???? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
#shock#horses#near death experience#lesbian#adrenaline#what cant lesbians do#me#im fucking losing my mind#i knew if i let go id be trampled#why cant i atop laughing#i dont think ive ever run that fast in my life#not even when doing track races#in pyjamas and too big slip on shoes no less#how am i not dead#sorta losing my mind sorry#oh ghe laughing has turned to crying as well#what the fuck#what the actual fuck#seriously have i not been through enough lately#dont come at me about i should have left it#there were three moments when i knew i was about to die#but i managed to get my feet back under me#and then with the truck#and all i could think was no ones gonna find me for hours#im gonna die fast or slowly die after being trampled#theres no way that horse would have made it through the night#i saved that farmers horses nand saved him a massive lawsuit amd he didnt even say thanks#wtf#femmes do it better#i think my heart is about to explode out of my chest
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What is the PR disaster in question that made Rick announce TSATS? I wasn’t active in the online fandom at that point
Of course! This was awhile ago so it figures people don't remember it/aren't familiar:
Basically a couple years back (2020) the fandom had some posts circulate discussing the ways different characters in the Riordanverse were written poorly or offensively. There was a masterpost that went around tumblr but the two major points people were particularly focusing on were Piper and Samirah (particularly because Piper had featured prominently again in Trials of Apollo recently and the third MCGA book had further emphasized and discussed Samirah being Muslim, since it was supposed to take place during Ramadan). Basically each had multiple posts breaking down the ways they were depicted incorrectly or offensively. The entire fandom for a little bit was VERY intensely discussing this (and it's around this time the "RR crit" tag got very popularized on tumblr - it did exist before, but suddenly was being used VERY frequently - cause it was that wide-spread - though the discussion took over basically every side of Riordaverse social media on different platforms). People really wanted Rick to respond to these criticisms, so he did!
He made two blog posts, one about Piper and one about Samirah. He has since deleted both so the links are to archived versions. The short version: he essentially tried to justify his poor research and double-down that he hadn't written them offensively, actually, people were just being mean to him. The fandom, of course, reacted poorly to this.
[Further elaborated events under the cut since this got a bit lengthy]
(Fun fact, this all happened within a month or so of the time i posted an open letter on aphobic tropes in the Riordanverse that Rick replied to, and then he immediately followed with announcing that Reyna was intended to be ace-coded [which cause a LOT of fandom debate] before Rick dipped for a couple of weeks, and then came back to post the blog posts in response to Piper and Sam stuff. So I like to jokingly refer to this as "The time I imploded the fandom/drove Rick off of twitter." Twas I that set the house ablaze.)
Rick fully left social media after this and the LT Musical social media manager became Rick's social media manager for the time being.
So this all happened June/July of 2020. Tower of Nero would end up being published in October of 2020 and a few months after that Rick would state that he was done with the series and wouldn't be writing any more series installments involving Percy, and also that he wouldn't be writing a Nico quest following Tower of Nero as it "wasn't his place to" and encouraged the community to write their own versions of Nico's story.
The community continued to circulate the tumblr posts and discuss the topics of Rick's offensive character depictions, and this is also where we see the dramatic shift in how the fandom depicts Piper in fanwork (though in most cases it is admittedly not an improvement 😬) because of all this discussion. This is also around the time when the fandom brought Viria under scrutiny claiming that she was whitewashing Piper as part of the same discussions, through the justification that she was drawing Annabeth as having tan skin (which she does canonically), and if Annabeth has tanner skin then Piper then that's whitewashing Piper? Except they were using completely separate images of not fully rendered Piper art versus Annabeth in dramatic lighting, so it's all very awkward and poor logic, and did actually get kind of racist. A lot of people were calling it "Tannabeth Blackchase" (yeah, i know) or similar and a common sentiment you'd see repeated is "Don't draw Annabeth as having darker skin than Piper, because that's offensive/racist/whitewashing." (Note: it was not phrased "don't draw Piper as having lighter skin than Annabeth" - we also won't get into certain offensive depictions of Native Americans, but I digress). But yeah, the Annabeth stuff in all that did not age well at all.
Anyways, in October of 2021 however Rick would announce that he was co-writing The Sun And The Star - with a lot of heavy emphasis on how Mark Oshiro works as a sensitivity reader, and some false advertising from the official social media that Mark Oshiro was the first time a non-Riordan author would be collaborating on the series (disregarding the ghostwriters completely). One of the big criticisms in the breaking down of issues in Rick's writing was his lack of ever seeking a sensitivity reader, and fans claiming that a sensitivity reader could solve a lot of the problems. This was basically Rick's "look! I totally listened!!!!" (though it did little to actually improve things, based on the book) and in TSATS as well Piper gets a large cameo at the end where the text very directly addresses a lot of points made in criticism of Rick's writing of her.
We also then of course got the CoTG trilogy later, explicitly stated to be for advertising purposes for the show.
So basically, short version: Rick came under scrutiny for a lot of offensive writing within the span of two months, made some bad blog posts doubling down about it, left social media. TOA ends. Rick says he wasn't going to continue the series/write what would become TSATS. Community celebrates the end of of the franchise but also continues to discuss Rick's poor writing and the blog posts at length. Rick suddenly announces TSATS and Mark Oshiro's involvement. Everybody gets distracted from being mad. Show announcement stuff also happens and the discussions peter out.
#pjo#riordanverse#fandom history#rick riordan#rr crit#ask#boywithskull#anonymous#long post //#fun times fun times#im always amused by the bit where i come in. like oh yeah i played a major part in the middle of all of this#i didnt mean to but i was the beginning of the end#maybe thats why this book is my personal hell. its in direct retribution#its really weird though because Rick did not usually reply to people on twitter but he responded to my open letter WITHIN HALF AN HOUR#within half an hour of me posting it he replied and then rapid-fire replied to like two or three other random tweet questions#at which point he confirmed he wrote Reyna with her being alloromantic ace-coded in mind (''but you dont have to agree'')#(i should note also - rick's reply plus the ensuing tweets HEAVILY implies he did NOT actually read my open letter. lmao.)#dipped off twitter for a couple of weeks. came back to post his blog posts responding to criticism about Piper and Sam#and then left social media completely. people kept talking. oh look new book pspspsp. look show pspspsp.#but so. yknow. i did that. it was ME!!!!!! and i will never let him forget. i know what he did.#i will never let him live down shitty PR move to try and sweep those bad blog posts under the rug
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tbh, one of the things I can't wait to be over with this campaign is the idea that any real person's engagement with feminism is somehow tethered to whether or not/how much they like imogen and laudna (and additionally, having the concept of lesbophobia attached to whether you enjoy the ship between them). i feel like every single time there's been a word of criticism about their behavior or development, it's immediately been met with a cry (in certain circles) that anyone being critical isn't feminist and doesn't support sapphic relationships, which has been a WILD experience on my end as a stan blog for a female character who has notable sapphic ships. but none of that has mattered in the wake of these two SPECIFIC characters. like they're the linchpins of feminism and all sapphics around the world, and to dislike or even just be mildly critical of them proves you have disavowed your rights to be a feminist. or queer yourself. if i am eager for ANYTHING to be over, it is that
#like i'm sorry it's known i dont fuck with their ship#but i have come out of this as strongly disliking laudn/a which. IS ALLOWED#you can't revoke my feminist card (that you do NOT have access to anyway)#because i don't fuck with your personal blorbo!#one of these people one time left a comment of a fic of mine in a different fandom that was sapphic and i laughed so hard about it#like. if only you knew whomst i was and the accusations i had received. lol. lmao even#and this is simply a parable against assuming things like one's status regarding feminism and sapphic fiction when you DON'T KNOW THEM#the most extreme response is rarely if ever the one you should just automatically jump to#perhaps i simply don't like a character or ship because of something to do with the character or ship#and there is NO reason to apply an -ism or a -phobia to make me into a bad guy for simply not liking what you like#anyway#i HOPE this goes away after the campaign ends at least#cr tag
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ok. question.
ortega ended up hallucinating sidestep after they "died", but sidestep doesnt know about that. they know it got bad, but never the full extent of how their death affected them. so if your sidestep Did learn, if they found out ortega looked for them in every little piece they could, would that change anything for your sidesteps? would their relationship with ortega be any different?
#pulp speaks#Am i thinking of my “ortega sees sidestep posthb” fic again? perhaps#shameless plug btw yall should read it its called 'seen' on ao3 and i still like it#but anyway the important bits: ive been thinking about it with my sidesteps and its really interesting to me how different they are#but theyre all some variation of “i didnt know you /cared/”#caine is. uncomfortable with the idea#i genuinely dont know why but i do know that in the end their feelings on the matter are “whats done is done and im back now” with a small#“ill try not to leave again” mixed in#meanwhile cyrus is a deer in headlights over it#itd be way worse if he learned it when they met again- i feel like if he learned ortega was still that attached he wouldve left and never-#-come back. he would still want to Now but hes too tangled in his relationships and ortega is his /friend/ and leaving would just explode i#-his face‚ god Damnit ortega you son of a bitch‚ he shouldve just run. you werent supposed to drag him into caring about people again.#cecilia would have mixed feelings about it. i think shed resonate with it a lot for reasons she doesnt want to face#but it would also hit her like a goddamn Truck that he chose to move on/replace her rather than try get her back and its easier to get mad-#-about that than question her own feelings. but also maybe she could use this to her advantage? maybe this time he knows theres always a-#-chance hell come back for her next time. maybe. shes hoping there wont be a next time.#cynthias an interesting case because shes in love with ortega. deeply. but ortega /never came for her/ when she /promised/ and cynthia-#-is still furious about it#ortega hallucinated her in death but she couldnt put the pieces together and go looking herself? she cared enough to look for her but-#-not enough to save her?#she would still end up settling on bitterness for abandoning her but the information would shake her to her core#anyway. i think ortega should be used as a squeaky toy 👍#caine lynzal#cyrus becker#cecilia rider#cynthia garcia#ortega#sidestep#fhr
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me trying to explain the berserk trio:
ok so you know that famous internet question: "the man or the bear?" well. casca would choose the bear cus she is a woman who has suffered her own share of experiences with men and understands the true gravity of such a question. guts would also choose the bear, cus according to him fighting a random man would be considered "too easy" and he needs "a real challenge". griffith would choose the bear cus he misunderstood the question and he is a feral bisexual twink with oddly specific needs. in this essay i will-
#day 1208463 without berserk. i have lost smell in my left ear and eyesight in my right. something wicked grows inside of me but i still#dont have a name for it. the bars of the enclosure sometimes move about and coil around my arms like snakes. i crave nutella.#SOMEBODY GET GRIFFITH A SERVICE TOP BEAR OR SO HELP ME GODD#why should the world be terrorised cause nobody stepped up to wreck his absolute shit?? its just so fucking unfair#also casca talking straight up fact as always💯💯#guts gets 2 bears to fight just cause he's been a good boy lately <33#berserk#griffith#guts#casca#casca berserk#griffith berserk#guts berserk#berserk shitpost#griffguts#gutsca#im just tagging whatever at this point sorry#anyways#somebody come shoot me ive had enough#my posts
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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made the mistake of reading through the political discussions on my big family groupchat that I usually keep muted. you must never do such a thing.
#like i knew that a lot of them are conservatives or republicans or whatever but man. even the ones who lean left are still well. mormon.#ive been really back and forth on whether or not i should come out to them but tbh. i have started to lean more toward Not.#when i came out as a nonbinary lesbian they all collectively smiled and nodded and then swept it under the rug never to be seen again#and i let them do it bc i was too afraid to try and stand up for myself. and i was conditioned not to also.#but me being trans is a lot harder to ignore. both bc im fucking tired of being treated like a rug and bc i hope to get a legal name change#and surgery and all that good shit.#but i really dont know how to go about doing all that without having to come out Somehow.#i guess i could always just. cut contact or something. but idk im reluctant to do that bc i still rely on my dad for money/insurance/etc#i dunno.#i wouldnt want to cut off my siblings but i dont know if i want to come out to them either.#idk.#im just fucking scared man. like i knew that for the most part my familys politics suck donkey nuts#but it was just really insane reading thru the chat bc even the ones who i had always thought were Safer are. well. not.#theres only 2 people in my family i fully trust and would actually love to come out to and one of them is my gay uncle (<3)#and the other is my aunt who is the ONLY. other person in my ENTIRE extended family. who has left the church.#i barely see her too bc for obvious reasons she dont hang around much. lmao#but idk. im rambling and melancholic its 1130 pm#my problem here is that there are members of my family i do want to come out to#but thatll very quickly lead to Everyone knowing. and i know im not ready for that.#hrhrggh.#maybe ill come out to my brother next time we talk. as a sort of test run.#im already a lot braver than i used to be and hopefully maybe someday ill be brave enough to come out#and then immediately fuck off into the sunset with my friends <3#sigh.#if im still wanting to come out to my brother by tomorrow when im of sound mind then i think i will.#we'll see how i feel after i sleep. lmao.#winter speaks#personal#we're entering Introspective Hours here at scattered winter dot com
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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Several months late, the landlord finally picked up the dehumidifier from my kitchen
Would've been nice had I been told they were coming though 💀 so I could've cleaned up the grocery bags on the floor that I hadn't put away yet 💀💀💀💀💀
#speculation nation#at least i did do the dishes yesterday so the kitchen is in much better shape than it was before. still not great though.#i wonder if i could put in a complaint lol. like Please dont enter my unit unannounced 😭 that's a violation im pretty sure 😭😭😭#actually i might call them. like Hey. can you guys um..not lol#well. the office is closed now so i cant call them. but i wonder if i should email.#i also wonder if it's even worth the fuss. like if they dont bother me about the state of my apartment then like oh well ykno?#except i very much did have a hospital bank statement out in full view which is kinda personal information lol. lmao even.#... actually yknow what i think i will email. bc like. even if they dont complain. it's kind of embarrassing lol.#had i known they were coming i wouldve done that little bit more before leaving. and i shouldve had the option.#this certainly wasnt an emergency. i should have gotten notice. they conducted a violation of tenants rights.#and YEAH ok people might say i should just keep my apartment clean always regardless of if someone is coming.#and while thatd be nice. get this. im a full time student with adhd and ive been having a HELL of a time lately.#so no i hadnt fully put away my groceries. and i left some empty bags on the floor. bc i didnt think itd matter.#so Yeah im going to email them with a friendly 'hey next time could you guys pls give me 24 hour notice? like it says in the law? thanks :)
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need to draw frequently again. need to make a video game. need to make MONEY. need to LIVE.
#i wish i wasnt so broke#it wouldnt make me feel like such shit about where my time goes#like i cant pay my fucking rent#i should be devoting more time to that#but im having such a crisis of faith about all of that#which is a whole vent in itself#my mind is all over the place these days#more than usual#really at a crossroads in my life#but 2024 has also been my gaming rennaisance#and that has been helping to keep me afloat#but now the fall has all these games coming out that i gotta shell out money for#like full ass 60 bucks#what the fuck#and also#if i gotta move back home in disgrace#i should be making the best of the time i have left here#and having more unique experiences in the city#but one of my job apps might save me#lmao imagine that#god#i dont even fucking know
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I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person
#im in too far fucking deep again#and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts#he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long#but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him#and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him#and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me#songs are starting to remind me of him#fuck fuck fuck#1am in the morning makes me too honrst#i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them#ohmygod i dont even think it i know it#i should go to sleep earlier#it would stop me having so many thoughts#i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him#oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life#and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of#holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual#WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS#oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should#i need to go to the beach#cant wait to get a proper drivers license#if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!
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#as you might be able to tell by my activities (like 10x itll be okay trans post) big trans things have happened yippee#officially announced my chosen name + pronouns to my high school friends and stuff and it was. good.#and i want to be happy about it! i know theyll all try their best and stuff but.#ig having officially come out wasnt. something i expected to feel an aftermath to.#in this moment and ever since i left the meetup last night it. doesnt feel like relief.#its currently just filling me with more anxiety and scaredyness and it sucks that i have to go through this about something that is...#... such a axtremely brave and big thing. i want to desperately be proud of myself. i should be. but i cant.#and what sucks more than that is that. i cant pin down why i feel so shitty about it.#sillyposting#ig part of it is just regular old anxiety and repeating THE conversation in my head again and again that recreates it#theres also some underlying fucking 'ohohhh what do they think of me now???' despite. me knowing they fullheartedly accept it.#it sucks#i dont want being trans to be hard. i hate that even when no bad things happen im haunted by it.#i just dont want to deal with all of this. it sucks balls.#im happy to be trans. i think i would take being trans over cis any day. i truly believe every person would be better if they were trans.#i just wish i could experience it without pain. i wish any trans person could. i wish things were easier.#whatever. ive done it now. i am glad i finally managed. i am. i am proud.
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#coworkers decided to do an impromptu happy hour today and must have made this decision while i was away from my desk at lunch.#bc i got back and they were just. all gone. and i only found out bc our boss swung by my desk before he left and told me.#and i know it wasnt intentional (at least i don't think it was) but idk man! just feels kinda shitty! yall could've left a note or something#but anyways. boss was like you should come! but i. did not go. partially bc im kind of a little sore about that actually?#but also they went to a beer place and i. dont drink beer. and like yeah yeah go for the people not the place but also. idk just.#it's cold and rainy and today has kind of sucked too so like. im not really in the mood#(which HONESTLY was probably the point of going out bc NO ONE is in the mood)#but. ugh.#now im going to spend the whole weekend trying to think of what im going to say when someone inevitably asks me why i wasn't there#and they all probably think im antisocial or whatever#esp bc like. im pretty quiet at work too. like. i feel awkward just jumping into conversations sometimes bc like.#im still the newbie on the team. like i just got moved to this one at the end of august#but these people have been working together for like years now.#so like they all know each other!!! theyre all super comfortable with each other!!!!#but im still new im still getting to know them all!!! and like idk. just feels awkward to insert myself into those conversations#even if im probably allowed to. so i just. dont.#and ugh. its a vicious cycle i know. 😔#but anyways.#wow that was so much oversharing how embarrassing#whatever. what is the internet for if not embarrassing amounts of oversharing 🤷♀️#N E WAYS.
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