skitzkraken

[bunnyboy-juice]

spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

[florallylly]

side b: steve harrington

side a side a: eddie munson

side b

explanation post

FORGET THE FORMATTING!!! PLS BE QUIET!!! anyways into steve harrington. his playlist is SAUR bubblegum lesbian pop. and tbh i really tried to kind of blend new/old in side a with eddie and make it smth MAYBE he would listen to? but steve, i automatically pegged him as 80s pop and lesbian music like. you probably listen to bruce springsteen but in my heart u know who rina sawayama is. anyways yes steve harrington coping through partying and then falling in lurv.

YES he admits it as soon as it happens bc he's emotionally intelligent and he knows himself thank u for coming to my ted talk

“Perfect Places” Lorde; “Have another drink, get lost in us/this is how we get notorious” “Every night, I live and die/meet somebody, take ‘em home” YEAH…. steve harrington coping post season-2 and stancy break up by  partying and drinking and sleeping around. like i see it…. i was there and it’s so. desperation to find peace and eventually settling for oblivion bc nothing is better than everything 

“Heaven/Hell” CHVRCHES; this song is so steve harrington to me i can’t even describe…. like it’s so disillusionment with his former sense of self and what he used to attach importance to. and he feels like a fraud and also an imposter, surrounded by people who he’s outgrown. and somehow it also feels like no one has truly realized that vital shift. it’s SAUR “is it right if i’m a perfect actress/playing the princess in distress?” “is it alright if i save myself and/if i clean up my own mess” IDK. why is that so steve to me. 

“Stand Back” Stevie Nicks; like LIKE this song is so everyone wants me except for you/you’re the only one i want. idk…. steve harrington this is so you to me. he is so pining he is so what if he is so i built our future in my head and now everything is crumbling down around me. you have changed me so deeply that i can never go back to the same person i was before i met you. and the world around me stays stagnant and stuck in time, with me out like a sore thumb. like i’m sobbing crying frothing at the mouth…. 

“Head Over Heels/Broken” Tears for Fears; a classic… a classic… but also like a little mashup moment to make it narratively appropriate in my head. also the applause at the end is giving the curtains are down the performance is over… king steve lays down his crown… AM I INSANE IN THIS MOMENT… 

“Honey Understand” Noso; to me this is a little bit of a moment like if i’m misinterpreting this song wrong SO embarrassing. but literally?? i think it’s so steve… bc it’s like in any break up it’s always going to be him at fault because he’s the ladies man and the popular jerk. he’s always going to be made out to be a villain in certain people’s eyes. like what am i even saying but you get it right… and it’s like how can i even keep fighting when i’m already crumbling apart. but also you’ll never know bc i’ll never let anyone know how bad it is … i’m unwell 

“Deliverance” CHVRCHES; i think this is actually about religion (maybe?) but i’m thinking of it as more of a general framework or life view that steve held before the upside down. he’s had to rethink what’s important and what matters like fr…. and now that he’s spending more time with eddie and realizing things about… naur it’s like this moment is his watershed moment and he’s being set free of smth like… his king steve persona?? his guilt over barb?? any other head canon ??? or maybe it’s like his fucked up coping viewed as something that’s bringing him back to his “normal” self… like back 2 parties back 2 alcoholism 

“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight” ABBA; like YEAH of course this song is on here. and it’s so hello steve harrington are you on the prowl are you looking for something so you can actually feel something

“Take Me Home Tonight” Eddie Money; pretty self explanatory like… steve harrington you are turning to sex to distract yourself and chasing the way you felt before. also in comparison to gimme gimme gimme, this is a more self aware reflection like. post nut clarity. but also in my head this is steve harrington meeting with eddie munson s2 and making the impulsive decision to follow him literally anywhere, kick starting everything that follows. 

“Yours” Now, Now; attraction bantering cockiness like it’s all there like it’s everything… it’s everything…. 

“Untouched” The Veronicas, I DON’T CARE IF IT DOESN’T FIT … this song is so important to me and it’s saur…. steve harrington you are getting attached steve harrington you are falling in love. to be clear this is before they get together or do anything like…. this is the pining this is the wanting 

“Don’t You Want Me” The Human League; so basically added for vibes, didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics and meaning. IT’S JUST SO …. 80s pop and 80s pop is so steve. HOWEVER i feel like i can use this as my little soap box bc “you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar… turned you int someone new/now five years later on, you’ve got the world at your feet” is saur nancy and “the five years we have had have been such good at times, I still love you/ but now, i think it’s time i lived my life on my own” is SAUR steve. like nancy wheeler in s4 reflecting on steve’s changes and the fandom’s reflection of pushing this narrative that nancy was the main reason and the greatest influence on steve’s change. my pet peeve…. let’s not forget the trauma he went through that could have shook his entire worldview. also ??? he’s a big boy with his own thoughts let him have a little ponder. i would add more but i’m not capable of totally explaining this at all JUST !!! ugh but yeah steve harrington you are attracted to eddie munson song

“Forever Tonight” Kelechi; “love me like there’s no tomorrow/kiss me like we’re out of time” DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING??? I AM IN REAL PAIN!!! 

“I Was Made For Lovin’ You” KISS; KEYSTONE SONG. yes they fucked yes they fucked. and OKAY idc if it’s cheesy YOU try to fit in a semi-metal song into your 80s/lesbian pop playlist

“Lay All Your Love On Me” ABBA; OMG …. it is so necessary. that is all. LIKE SO NEEDED. 

“Hungry Eyes” Eric Carmen; it’s literally from dirty dancing like what else can i say… steve harrington is having his little romcom moment. honestly he’s practically one of the brat pack. he’s LIVING it he’s living it

“Keep on Loving You” REO Speedwagon; okay they were killing on anniversaries i just know it. like this is so my parent’s wedding. it’s so puffed sleeve dresses and slow dancing at prom and steve is a ROMANTIC. steve is a ROMANTIC in a small midwest town like. where was his prom king moment 

“Seven Wonders” Fleetwood Mac; lowkey a filler song but yes can anything compare to the beauty of this moment something very romantic. this is on the mixtape for sure 

“(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” Blue Oyster Cult; ONCE AGAIN I KNOW IT DOESNT FIT THAT WELL… but this is a keystone song… a metal song forcefully inserted into the playlist. this is supposed to mark the point where steve falls in love love. but what i got from the song is basically like. we’re going to die anyways let’s just fall in love. i’m sure that’s way simplistic but vibe… 

“Horses” Maggie Rogers; sorry I’m…. gay….? and it’s like it’s like it’s like i wanna be free i wanna be free with you do you wanna be free with me. in a more romantic and AHHHH way but like how do i even begin to try and describe how this song makes me feel like… unreal. but it’s also like a little stop for steve to doubt and think about what he’s feeling and deciding to do ??? idk where i was going with that. but yes my little interlude for pondering

“Black Butterflies and Deja Vu (Acoustic)” The Maine; keystone song keystone song. when steve admits he is in lurv of course. chose the acoustic version bc i feel like it fits better and also i think it’s more of a soft realization for steve rather than the absolute car wreck that is eddie. please understand my thoughts immediately 

[pendragonthegreat]

Oh and also nevva! We all know how kleenex feels abt her but im curious how you do :>

ok lets go

My first impression of them:

again its hard for me to remember but i definitely never disliked her

When I think I truly started to like them:

weirdly enough when i read elli's before the war. i just made me think so much more about how she was just an abandoned little girl and everything that she did with sd made so much sense

A song that reminds me of them:

ahh i'm so bad at doing character songs i can't really think of anything ;;

How many people I ship them with:

we all know ajanevva and well that's it. she didn't get to meet many characters in fact she didn't even meet aja. so i got nothing

My favorite ship of them:

the aforementioned

My least favorite ship of them:

well her and sd i guess. i mean i think their relationship is worth looking into but i'm not fond of the idea of having a romantic side to it

A quote of them that you remember:

"i'm not a villain, courtney. neither is saint dane." ^^ i just like the way dufris delivers this line in the audiobook

Your favorite outfit of them:

i know the fit isn't actually described but i have always loved the idea of her 1930s dress when she's on first earth. i have a vision for it but i just made it up

Your least favorite outfit of them:

no answer . i think all of her outfits that actually get described are pretty good at least in theory

Describe the character in one sentence:

she did nothing wrong

What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?:

the scene where bobby figure out she's telleo (it rules)

Sexuality hc:

lesbian

Your favorite friendship they have:

oh no she doesn't have any friends . well i mentioned this before recently but for her hypothetical friendships i think she would be friends with kasha but i couldn't explain why

Best storyline they had:

book10 (the reveal that she saved the exiles still makes me insane)

Worst storyline they had:

ohh i wish i had an answer but i think she is just a very well written character

A childhood headcanon:

this is kind of sad but i always imagined she was close with her father

How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc):

i think she was probably quiet.. in the sense that she was always observing the people around her and learning from them

The most random ship you've seen people have with them:

i think i've seen people ship her with bobby before

A weird headcanon:

not really weird but i think she would really like chocolate

When do you think they were at their happiest?:

to be honest i'm not sure she was ever happy

When do you think they were at their lowest?:

when her mom didn't come back home (starts crying everywhere) guys talking about nevva is so sad.

Future headcanon:

i will always believe in my heart she went to the black and met her father again

What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone?:

like. her true feelings. she's such a secretive person (remember the quadruple life she had on quillan) so i think she keeps her truest feelings hidden so deeply not even she knows all of them

When do you think they acted the most ooc:

again i think she is just so well written. i have no answer

When do you think they were being "themselves" the most?:

probably right before she dies help why is she so tragic

If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet?:

i know i used a sylo character in the last ask too but olivia from sylo

The most unnecessary thing they ever did?:

ehh i still have no answer here

How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?):

oh gosh she would try so so hard to not repeat to mistakes of her mother perhaps to the point of being overprotective or smothering... i would hope she's go through a good amount of healing before becoming a parent though

The funniest scene they had?:

this is the only funny moment i can think of

i just laugh at the idea of sd being like embarrassed because nevva's breaking his character he has to keep in front of bobby lolol

[thedragonemperess]

What's your personal opinion on why Elite Force was so bad? Since I've ranted about that a lot and started the 'elite discourse' tag.

Introduction

I don’t think it was really bad. Yes, it was terrible compared to Lab Rats and Mighty Med (of which both deserved more seasons since they both set up so much and than threw it all away), but it wasn’t too bad. Why it was bad, though? They undid all character development, overlooked some of the best characters, and so much more!

Chase

There’s a lot wrong with Chase. First of all, they undid all of his character development and reduced him to a self-centered smart guy. (I’m not gonna say a mini version of Donald because he’s really more like Douglas, but they really just threw away his character.) And for character archs. When AJ made his list, he put Chase at the bottom. A good thing to point out is that this list was based off of the number of powers each person has and the number of powers each person has alone. So lets count how many powers they all have:

Kaz: Pyrokinesis and Flight Oliver: Cryokinesis, Flight, and Super Strength Bree: Super Speed, Vocal Manipulation, Invisibility, and Super Agillity Chase: Molecular Kinesis, Force Fields, Super Intelligence, Super Senses, Laser Bo Generation, and the Commando App (technically Super Strength as well, but that’s only Spike) Skylar: Flight, Super Strength, Super Speed, Acid Spit, Regeneration, and 21 other abilities (10 after the whole thing with Bree, but that still leaves her with the most) CHASE SHOULD BE #2 ON THAT LIST!!

And even if this wasn’t based on only their powers, he’d still be at #2!!

Then we have the Arcturian. The Arcturian Space Rock will kill you if you make direct contact with it, key word being direct. So Bree, being NUMBER #3 on the list (did I mention they overlooked her abilities, too, with the exception of one throw away line?), decided to touch it. After a series of events, she gets superpowers from it.

Bree got superpowers.

Because she was insecure about her bionic powers.

THIS WAS CHASE’S ENTIRE ARCH FROM THE BEGINNING!

And he wasn’t only insecure about his powers, he was insecure about his appearance, self-worth, and a ton of other things.

This arch was engineered for Chase, and they threw it away in favor of Bree.

Skoliver

Skylar and Oliver was the main romance of Mighty Med. Oliver had a crush on Skylar and Skylar was a lesbian didn’t reciprocate. This didn’t stop Oliver from trying to get with her, though. But the difference between Oliver persevering in Mighty Med and Olvier persevering in Elite Force is that in Mighty Med, he did it in a healthy, respectful way. In Elite Force, he became a stalker!

He watched her in her sleep, recorded her without permission, had a pretend version of her that he was dating, and more.

They turned a really nice thing from Mighty Med into something terrible just so that they could put less time into coming up with actual jokes. (The writers of these shows never really handled healthy relationships and comedy well, if Adam and Chase’s relationship says anything, but you would think [I’m only saying this because its Disney] they would put more effort into a romantic relationship.) The worst part about this is that they got together somewhat in the end of Elite Force.

Reese

Reese existed as a way to lead us to the finale of the show. She also existed as a love interest for Chase. She had the potential to be Elite Force’s Marcus or Experion, but they just didn’t do it right.

The Lab Rats’ relationship with Marcus was built over the course of two seasons, which let both the audience and the characters get to know him. Sure, we knew he was evil before everyone else, but how evil he truly was changed up until Douglas’ plan was finally revealed. He was also really close to a lot of the characters, so that makes it really painful.

Experion was one of Skylar’s close friends, almost like a brother, and we saw that play out on screen. He was only there for a short amount of time, just as Reese was, but he was already in a predetermined relationship with him. Reese had literally only met Chase that day, meaning that connection just wasn’t there.

(Also, was Reese just there to degay Chase? Because that’s what it seems like.)

Representation And Other Things Of The Sort

Lab Rats was a show that had a family in which half of it was married into. Shows have done this before, yes, but this showed the kids really just excepting it and not getting mad at their respective family. This was also a mixed family, which watching now that I’m older and really understand the importance of it, is really nice. Especially as a mixed person myself.

As for Mighty Med, and I’m starting with family again, it had a father figure who, more or less, actually cared about his kid(s) and was active in their life. It also showed him, a person of color, in a position of power. Skylar, who is a woman of color, was a badass who wasn’t boy crazy. She didn’t care about boys and the one time she did chase after someone, it was an introverted girl whom she wanted to be friends with which is pretty gay but whatever Disney. She was pretty freaking powerful, too, even without her powers.

Now for Oliver and Kaz, they were geeks. That’s a recurring fact in the show. It’s also something that is constantly saving all of their butts and was the main thing that got them their jobs. They weren’t picked on or made fun of for it, that was just who they were.

And unlike Lab Rats, Mighty Med showed a healthy relationship between brothers. Additionally, Gus was a really weird kid, but no one ever made fun of him, either. They treated him like they treated everyone else. He even ends up as one of the popular kids a few times.

Elite Force really just threw that all away in favor of (what became) a bunch of bratty kids in a pent house together.

Backstory

Mighty Med ended off on a cliffhanger, with Mr. Terror escaping, Oliver and Kaz obtaining superpowers, Alan meeting his father for the first time, and Horace using his last revival. Not to mention, Mr. Terror is Oliver’s mother and was supposed to be Horace’s wife.

And then they completely forgot about all of that and destroyed Mighty Med, killing all of the people in it in the process while also forgetting about Mr. Terror completely?

As for Lab Rats’ ending, it was actually pretty fitting and satisfying, all things considered. Adam, Bree, Leo, and Chase split up after defeating Giselle, Adam and Leo going back to the island to help the students with the big change (an update that let them control their abilities, hence no need for them to be teachers anymore) while Bree and Chase joined the Elite Force.

But why Chase and Bree? Sure, I guess the fandom Chase, but we did care about Leo more than Bree if we’re looking at it from that stand point. Now if we’re looking at it from a logical, in-universe stand-point, it makes no sense. Bree and Chase were the smarter, more experienced of the four, so they should have gone back to the island, while letting Chase and Adam join the Elite force.

Also, Leo has just become a mentor, which was what he was striving for since the start of the season. He was always being overlooked, and now, when he finally gets his moment in the spot light, its taken away from. That just really bothers me.

What Was Good About Lab Rats: Elite Force?

Quite honestly, not a lot. But considering the target audience, it was pretty good. Having two well received shows come together into an, albeit poorly set up and attempted, spin-off where they can have their own battles and story lines together is pretty cool and different. There are some flaws, like how Mighty Med logic and Lab Rats logic really don’t intertwine, but you have to keep in mind that this is a kids show.

It also showed Douglas being a pretty good father, which is really nice. Sure, he’s their birth father and/or creator, but it also shows them mending their relationship.

There were some smaller things, too. AJ’s introduction, Skylar and Bree slowly become sisters, and Chase and Kaz becoming friends were all really fun to watch. (The characters growing relationships with each other, period, were fun to watch.) The villains had good motives, and the small cameos from other shows (Bob and Crossbow [she’s more of a piece of what Mighty Med used to be, but I’m counting it]) were really fun to see. The plot could definitely be better, but it was still pretty good. And, as much as I hate to admit it, the show was genuinely funny. The amount of times I’ve spit out my water while watching this show is surprising.

Conclusion

Was Lab Rats: Elite Force as great a show as the source material? No. Was it all we thought it would be at the time? That depends on how old you were when it came out. It was, and still is, a fun show to watch, though. Yes, it would have been better if it never happened and the shows continued separately, but I’m glad that we at least have an answer to what Mighty Med and Lab Rats alluded to in their finales. Am I upset about Elite Force’s finale? Yes, and I will probably die mad about it, but we didn’t have as much time to get to know the characters and connect to them, so is it really that much of a loss? That’s up to you. Is it a fun show to watch? Absolutely.

[asexual-society]

Asexuality and Me (It's Kind of a Long Story) by @darcyshire

I had my first boyfriend when I was in my early teens. He was a good friend, we got along very well, and he remains to this day very special to my heart. We were together for just a few months — not so uncommon for a junior high relationship — and I broke up with him because I was pretty sure he was going to try to kiss me. Not anything more than that, nothing “too far” for a pair of 13-year-olds, but that was too much for me. I apologized profusely, and he was upset because he didn’t understand what the issue was — because I couldn’t tell him. It sounded so dumb.

I had a few more boyfriends in the next couple years, and every time it was the same: if I felt that things were moving past holding hands or hugs, I ended the relationship. I was a serial dumper, never the “dumpee”. 

When I made it to high school, I had a group of friends, some of whom identified as lesbians. I was intrigued by the comfort they had in their relationships with other girls, so I wondered, “Am I maybe gay, and that’s why I keep breaking up with boys?” I thought about it and realized that no, I did often find myself having crushes on boys I knew well and enjoyed the company of. I also had those feelings for a few girls I knew well. I toyed with “bisexual” as a label, and used that privately, in my own head only, until I came across the term “pansexual” online, which I felt was a perfect description of the feelings I was having (minus the sex part). Gender didn’t matter when it came to crushes; I liked who I liked, and that was that.

When I had my first “real” boyfriend, I was 15. He asked before he kissed me the first time, and it turned out that I didn’t hate it. I did hate when he brought up sex. At the time, I was involved in my church, and I was opposed to sex outside of marriage, so the idea of going against that was upsetting. I wanted him to stay with me, so I went along with some of what he wanted — and it made me feel disgusting. Same thing with my next boyfriend; I dreaded anything to do with sex. I thought about whether it might feel different if I was with a girl instead, but with my involvement in a fairly conservative church community, I felt it wasn’t safe to try. 

When I met my now-husband, I felt none of the pressures I had felt before. He quickly became my best friend, and we got along incredibly well. He and I had similar values when it came to saving sex for marriage, so I didn’t have to worry about that aspect of our relationship. We dated for 4 years before we got married, and I was absolutely, 100% sure that marrying him was what I wanted, and what would make me happy. Our pre-marital counsellor had asked if waiting for sex had been difficult; my husband said yes, and I said absolutely not. I truly spent no time thinking about it. As our wedding date approached, however, I started to get very anxious. So much so that my own therapist suggested not “doing the deed” on our wedding night, to take the pressure off and make the experience less nerve-wracking. (I ignored her recommendation, and everything went mostly fine.)

For the first few weeks of our marriage, I was pretty indifferent about sex. I wasn’t interested in it, but my husband was, so I participated at his request. It wasn’t exciting or enjoyable for me, but it wasn’t something I was terrified of until a few months later, when I started having feelings of deep distress afterwards. I would wait for him to fall asleep, and would go out into our living room and cry; sometimes I had thoughts about self-harm or suicide. I became deeply depressed (more than I had ever been before, as depression has been a part of my life for many years), and my husband noticed that I was never initiating intimate experiences. We were married in August 2019, and the last time we had sex was February 2020, because I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t stop asking myself what was wrong with me. What was broken? Was it because of my previous relationships? Was my depression making me frigid? (Of course, I never considered the fact that sex had been of no interest to ever, even when everyone around me was thinking about it constantly). 

[This is a long story, so my apologies that it’s a bit rambling. Now to the good stuff!]

I was scrolling Tumblr in the early months of 2020, and I came across the term “asexual”. I’d not really heard much about it before, but from the short description, it seemed like it fit my experience. I did some online searches, and came across a document from AsexualityArchive.com called “Asexuality: A Brief Introduction.” I read the whole thing in an afternoon and found myself literally crying, because I felt so relieved. I learned that day that there was nothing wrong with me, that there were other people who also had no interest in sex — some were even repulsed by the very idea of taking part in sexual experiences, like I was. I told my husband, fearing he would leave me, and he was incredibly loving, gracious, and accepting. He loves me for my personality, not for what I can offer him sexually.

I started using the label “asexual”, (‘ace’ for short), and felt really comfortable in that. When I learned about the split-attraction model that many aspec folx use, I changed my labels to “panromantic/asexual” (pan-ace), because that fit even better. When I began to question my own experience of gender and sexuality, and got involved with the rainbow community, I decided that “queer ace” was the best fit of all, and that’s where I’m at today. I’ve come out to my family as queer, and was unfortunately outed to my husband’s (conservative Christian) family before I was ready, but after the fact, I am glad the people closest to me know that being queer is am important part of my identity. 

Only my husband, my mom, and a few close female friends know about my asexuality (outside of the online queer communities I’m a member of), because I’m tired of hearing people say things like, “maybe it’s just your depression”, or “you should see your doctor about that”. Plus, it’s mine and my husband’s private business how we conduct our sex life, not anyone else’s. I didn’t know there was a word for people like me until early 2020, but I’ve been ace my whole life; looking back on things now, I can find many indicators of asexuality starting from before I was even a teen. 

I’m now 24 years old and a proud member of the queer and aspec communities. I hope that my story might give hope to others who have been asking themselves why they have so little interest in sex. It’s not a defect — it’s just the way we were made. As a person of faith, this realization has meant the world to me. 

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

[whatwouldmindykdo]

I wrote a little something about coming to terms with my sexuality and thought I’d share it here...

For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of my wedding day. As soon as I was able to comprehend the concept of wedding and marriage it became my only goal, my ultimate achievement: I wanted, I needed to get married. This would make me successful and prove my worthiness. I would be happy forever. And so, for years, I’d spend hours imagining the magical day: the dress, of course, and its designer, the venue, the guests, the music, the menu, the bridal party, the decor. And of course, the groom. Because it was always a groom. However, I would find it extremely difficult to imagine him. I could think of qualities I would look for in a partner, but that was it. Looking back now, I think that, more than any of these things, what I dreamt of was being loved and being in love. I was just hoping to find the kind of unconditional love I grew up surrounded by. Not a person but a feeling. An ideal. 

I grew up in what you would probably call a liberal family. My parents are very open-minded, left-wing voters and I grew up having political debates at the dinner table. But it was always about tolerance. Every love is love, they would say. Everyone deserves to be happy, they would say.

This, however, was not true for them growing up. Both my parents grew up in working class families and worked their way into the middle class. As liberal as my parents are, their own parents were rather conservative in thought. 

My father’s parents had grown up on farms. Their own parents, my great-grandparents, lived a life I cannot even begin to comprehend. After the Second World War, as life was changing everywhere, and especially in the countryside, my grandparents left for the city (well, a city, not THE city) to work in factories. They were deeply religious and my father was raised a Catholic. However, he also enjoyed great freedom. He was free to come and go, almost as he wished, to play with his brother and friends. He was free not to work in school, drop out after middle school and go on to work with his father. Which he did, for a while, until he realized he didn’t want to do that his entire life. In other words, he was free to fail, and try again. Would it had been the same thing had he been a girl? We will never know, as he was one of two boys. 

My mother, on the other hand, was not. Her grandparents had been mining workers, as almost everyone in the area. Her own parents had been saved from this life, and pushed to look for work in other industries. They had married young and my mother was the eldest of two. Her parents were heavily involved in political and union movements, pushing for workers’ rights. This gave her an awareness of the political situation and an ideal of what is achievable when you work for it. My mother, however, is also a woman. And as such, her parents expected her to behave a certain way. 

She was expected to be the perfect little girl. Calm, pretty, smiling. Not to take too much space. Do well in school. Be polite. And so my mother tried her best to be this ideal girl. She excelled in school, practiced many sports, and took it upon herself to keep the family together and happy. She eventually went on to work and had to move out to another city, but always close to family as she was sharing an apartment with her aunt. When she found another job closer to her parents, she moved back home. Eventually, she met my father. They dated for a couple of years, but moving in together was unfathomable. Not before marriage. And that’s how my parents ended up married without having ever lived together, something I honestly find quite hard to imagine. Her brother, on the other hand, lived a life closer to my dad’s. He could not roam the streets or drop out of school but he did leave high school without graduating, moving out to work away and never looked back. He introduced many girlfriends to his parents before eventually having a child and getting married, in that order. 

My parents would probably tell you that they raised me and my brother the same way. That not more was expected of me. That I could do the exact same thing he did. And to some extent that is true. We were both expected to excel in school. To be polite and respectful. We were both told we could dream of being whoever we wanted to be. But what had been instilled to my mother was also, somehow, perhaps more sneakily, taught to me. I also had to be the perfect little girl, no excuses. The one that doesn’t move. The one that doesn’t scream or make a scene. The one that helps at home. As Michelle Cliff says in Notes on Speechlessness, ‘I am reminded that a great compliment of my childhood was: ‘she’s such a quiet girl’’.

Instead of rebelling against this system I made it mine: it was my way of taking up space. My way of being remarkable. I was expected to excel at school: I was top of the class. I was expected to be calm and discreet: I would literally never speak. Even today it takes a lot for me to be able to do things I know my parents disapprove. Because I have built myself through others’ approval, and then who am I once they don’t approve? 

What does that have to do with being a lesbian, you may wonder. See, I knew about lesbians. I knew about gays. It was not entirely unknown to me. I saw them on the news, we talked about them at home. But no one in my family was gay, lesbian or part of the LGBTQI+ community, at least not openly. That was not what we did. As much as my family rebelled against capitalistic society, we were expected to conform in certain areas, and this was one. We, as a family, are heterosexuals. And so I unconsciously associated being a good girl to being heterosexual. 

I don’t remember the first time I heard of the LGBTQI+ community, nor do I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl. I am quite sure she was my primary school best friend. I very clearly remember wondering whether I was in love with her or whether that was just how you felt for your best friend (hint: I kinda knew the answer). And so, little me moved on with life. Eventually the feeling wore out, and there was a very intense and dramatic fall out. But that was it, no more questions about my sexuality. Not until I was well into my teenage years, at least. When I made it to university I had began what I would call my transformative journey, learning extensively about feminism, inclusivity and human rights. I was passionate about these subjects and wanted to learn more, and more. I surrounded myself with people who were open-minded, teaching me about these very topics, and, for some of them, part of the LGBTQI+ community. At about this time I began identifying as pansexual or bisexual. I have never been really sure about this. There was no major coming out though. I just stated here and there that I thought love was about a person and their soul, not their gender. Even though I was identifying as pansexual / bisexual, the doubt never really left. I felt ill-at-ease with the identification. Maybe I’m not into labels, I’d think. Maybe. 

Deep down, I knew. I think I’d always known. I would get major crushes on women in films and TV shows. Maybe that’s just identification. I could hardly imagine being in a relationship with a man. Maybe I just haven’t met THE one. I would feel uncomfortable whenever a man flirted with me. Maybe I’m just not into him. 

I just couldn’t imagine being a lesbian. And that’s not to say that I could fathom the very existence of lesbians. I knew they existed, I had a friend as they say. I truly believed that all love is love. What I couldn’t accept was that I was a lesbian. How could I not like men? Good girls like men. Good girls are straight. Good girls get married TO A MAN, and have children WITH A MAN. No way. I must be pansexual. Or bisexual. Not lesbian. 

Funnily enough, the pandemic was a big transitional time for me. I was able to truly connect with myself. Away from the world and the mundanities of everyday life, focusing on what really matters for the first time, I came to a realization. I do not like men. I do not find pleasure in imagining a relationship with a man. This realization was validated by experience. I signed up on a dating app (what??? I know, don’t judge). My immediate reaction was to set up my preferences to women  only (that should have been another hint right?!). However, almost immediately I changed those preferences to everyone (men and women). Why? Because, I thought, by excluding men I might miss out on the one (he’s always somewhere). What if I miss on the opportunity of happily ever after because I renounce to dating half of humanity? And oh boy did I regret that. I was instantly contacted by half the male population of my surroundings (the joys of being on a dating app) and it really felt like it was not for me. I was feeling miserable rather than happy, anxious rather than excited. I switched back to women only and I have felt safer and more myself ever since. 

I guess you could say that I have been feeling rather at peace with who I am. I have come out to a few (selected) friends, in the least dramatic way possible (well, they also are the least dramatic women I know). There remains the question, however, of coming out to family. Because although I have come to term with being a lesbian, I am still scared AF when it comes to coming out to my family and the main reason is: what if I am not lesbian after all (eye roll emoji)? The real reason, though, is that I know that as open-minded as my parents are, a coming out also means a period of adaptation, of understanding what it means exactly. And for someone like me who hates both confrontation and disappointing this feels like a big deal. Selfishly, I wish someone had been there before in my family. That I would not be the first. The trailblazer. The odd one out. The lesbian aunt. But then, I think of my little cousins. And how I could be that person for them. If I allow myself past the fear. 

Thing is, I also truly believe that I will not be able to be fully happy until I come out. I will not be truly happy until I can be who I am fully, knowing that the people who accept it are the ones who love me, for real. But what if that means losing my grandfather? What if it means that people will literally never stop talking about it? 

As much as I have talked about the hardships of coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality, I will also mention that coming to terms with this reality has been a huge relief. It has opened me to a world where love and inclusion are legion. A world where you are accepted for who you truly are. It has given me role models, values and a political awareness that I probably would not have had otherwise. In other words, being lesbian is a blessing because it is who I am, fully. And when I get to be this person, I can finally start to breathe. I can finally start to live. 

My problem lies with mainstream culture and the way it portrays lesbian relationships. I have grown up with the ability of seeing gay couples loving each other, hating each other, flirting, breaking up. Mainstream media and popular culture have very much romanticized gay relationships. What of lesbian relationships then? The reality is completely different. And how could it not be when Instagram still censored the ‘lesbians’ hashtag two weeks ago? When we only have The L Word as a reference? Where on TV and in films have lesbians been given the space and time to actually develop a relationship except in that show? And I’m not even talking about the perfect, happy relationship. Just any relationship. More than 3 minutes of screen time. You’ll have to agree that this is rather recent. 

How different would my life have been if I had seen lesbian couples on TV? How different would my life have been if people had not shied away from lesbian relationships? It is time for pop culture to be inclusive of our people. Little girls need this representation. They need to know that this kind of love exists, is normal, and brings fulfillment. I wish this had been my reality so that I wouldn’t have been mad when Casey from Atypical dumps her boyfriend to explore her relationship with Izzie. Because then perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad at her for doing that. I wouldn’t have been mad at Izzie for being honest. Because that is how deeply rooted my fear of being a lesbian was: I was mad at these two women for having the courage to explore their feelings and be true to themselves, when Casey could have had the perfect ending with Evan. And that is not ok. I need to let go of the idea that the perfect life means being in a heterosexual relationship. Because I know that this is not for me. This will not bring me fulfillment. 

[shera-dnd]

High Praise

The continuation of last month’s Huntadora nonsense, this time with a bit of a twist to it

And with that I’m officially done with all commission work for this month. Remember that you can already donate to my ko-fi if you’d like to see a story written by me next month (here are the rules)

And of course here’s the link if you’d rather read this on AO3

now on with the story

“Oh, you can do better than that, blondie.”

Adora had truly hoped that this at least would have changed. That maybe being in some sort of relationship with Huntara would mean she would tone down the taunting, but of course that wasn’t the case.

“Fuck you!” She bit back, her frustrated tone amplified by the strain of her workout.

It only took a smirk for Adora to realize what she had just walked into, “save the dirty talk for tonight, blondie.”

Adora gritted her teeth, letting escape a sound of strangled rage. Huntara was by far the most infuriating woman she had ever met - and that was saying something - but with their current arrangement, Adora really couldn’t claim that it wasn’t worth it.

Because it was so fucking worth it.

Their relationship wasn’t exactly this deep and involved romantic affair, but she feels she can call Huntara a friend now. Even if she was a friend who railed her three times a week, she was just a really close friend and Adora liked it when she got really close.

She had never considered the idea of being friends with benefits with someone, but this was working out pretty well for her. Not just because of the sex - but by god the sex was amazing - but because Huntara could be a really good friend when it was just the two of them and she wasn’t feeling like being a little shit.

Unfortunately all of this meant that it was a lot harder to deal with her when she felt like being a little shit.

“There you go, blondie,” she praised and Adora felt her soul leave her body, “you did such a good job.”

She silently cursed all the memories that came to her at the sound of those words. Worst still is that she couldn't even pretend to not be attracted by that smug grin anymore. Huntara was fully aware of what she was about and she was more than happy to use it against her at any given opportunity.

It had been after just over a month of this bullshit when Adora had finally decided that she had enough. She would not stand for this anymore and she was done letting Huntara get away with it.

It was time for her to get her revenge.

Sure, she could just tell Huntara to stop and she would do so immediately, but it wasn’t any fun that way. She had to prove to the both of them that she could be the one in control here.

~~~

This was just supposed to be a normal saturday for them. Have a beer, chat about life, fuck each other’s brains out. All the usual stuff.

Except this time Adora had a different plan.

It started with her looks. Her hair was getting too long anyway, so she cut it a little shorter and reshaved the sides. Once there was no question this haircut belonged to a colossal lesbian, she began working on her clothes.

She cut off the sleeves of an old loose shirt, pulled it up a bit, and tied it to the side with a hair clip so it would show just the right amount of abs. The jeans she was wearing were also on the loose side, showing off just the tiniest bit of her underwear.

Adora had to admit, she looked like a snack.

She was barely done making finger guns at herself when she heard a knock on the door.

“I’m coming!” She shouted as she went to the door.

“Heh, I thought it would take more than that, Blon…” the stupid comment caught in Huntara’s throat as she watched Adora lean against the door, “...die.”

“Hey,” she replied, playing it maybe a little too strong.

“Well, someone is feeling confident today,” Huntara joked as she made her way in.

Adora smirked at that, “it’s not everyday that I leave you speechless,” she put more emphasis on the ‘you’, knowing full well that she had done so to plenty of people before. Huntara was just especially challenging.

Yet Adora still got her little victory. She couldn’t wait to see how many of those she would get tonight.

She let off on the overconfidence for a bit, not wanting to get Huntara all competitive - yet - instead she just relaxed and chatted casually with the woman. This was nice, it was just casual fun with a friend and she genuinely needed that right now.

What Huntara needed was clearly something else, because her eyes kept moving down every time Adora’s clothes shifted a little. She wasn’t letting it get in the way of the conversation, but she wasn’t trying to hide it either. They both had the hots for each other and they knew it.

Still, distracting her like this filled Adora with a certain smugness that she hadn’t felt in quite a while, one that seemed to taunt Huntara into action.

Finally Huntara walked up to her and pushed her onto the couch; were it any other day Adora would simply let her have her way with her, but tonight she had a mission.

Huntara was a professional wrestler. She was bigger, stronger, and more used to throwing her weight around than Adora, but Adora had just the right skill to turn things around.

Before Huntara could straddle her, Adora pulled her down into a kiss and used that moment of surprise to shift them both around, pushing the larger woman onto the couch and straddling her  instead.

“Someone is eager,” she laughed.

Adora pushed her onto the couch a little harder. She knew Huntara could toss her off of her at any second, so she was trying to make the most of this opportunity. She mustered all that smugness from before into a single sentence, “what if I am?”

It took Huntara a moment to process what was happening, but soon her usual grin returned.

“Look at you, trying so hard,” she moved forward, pushing herself off the couch ever so slightly, “you’re such a good girl.”

For once those words did nothing to shake Adora’s resolve. She pushed her back and leaned close to Huntara’s ears, “oh, I know I am,” the purr in her voice seemed to freeze her in place, “and it’s time for me to take my reward.”

[hargrove-mayfields]

Headcanons Part Two!!!

My last headcanon post was all about Billy and Steve, but they won’t be the only ones showing up in my stories, so here’s some hcs for a few of the most recurring characters!

Starting with Max!!

My preferred middle name for Max is Nicole, because Maxine Nicole sounds pretty, but can double as being intimidating if someone was yelling at her. Also, she’s named after her aunt Nicole just because I can see Susan being like that.

Most important thing to know about Max in my writing is that she is ALWAYS autistic. I might not specify depending on the content of the story, but she is never ever ever meant to be allistic. I imagine her as being on a moderate support needs level, meaning for those who don’t know the term that she has highs and lows! There’s days where she can pass as allsitic and days where she can’t, and she maybe doesn’t need a lot of assistance in everyday life, but she still needs lots of stimming and has meltdowns and stuff!

Related to this fact is that in the 80s, autism was not a very common diagnosis at all, and so I don’t think she’d really have a word for it other than like, that just being the way she is. Because no one will give her the official diagnosis, Neil thinks she’s faking, so she gets told to stop stimming, isn’t treated fairly during a meltdown, told to “act normal” etc, etc, and she needs a lot of therapy in the future for it.

Her favorite ways to stim are rocking on her heels, humming, listening to loud noises (like sirens/car engines/lawn mowers, NOT things like music/Susan doing the dishes, those do the opposite) and dancing!

Her least favorite sensory things are raindrops touching her skin, her hair brushing her shoulders or her face, overwhelming smells (cologne, candles, food on the stove) and furniture that’s too firm! (like a memory foam mattress or a leather couch)

The first time she feels truly seen in the way she is is when Fraggle Rock starts airing in ‘82. Susan tells her to watch it because she thinks Max is still a baby no matter how old she is, but the minute she lays eyes on Wembley Fraggle she knows he’s like her. He stims vocally and with his hands, his friends don’t understand him, he’s empathetic, bad at choosing, gullible, and in every way just so much like her! Her and Billy have an inside joke where, if she’s putting something off or can’t make a decision, he’ll tell her to stop her Wemblin’ and sometimes he calls her Wembles without thinking!

There isn’t a lot of personalized furniture in the Hargrove-Mayfield, so I think it’s safe to say that she doesn’t really have any comfort items lying around. No favorite blankets or stuffed animals or toys of any kind, and I think because of that she clings to people. That’s why she is so insistent on getting in with the party, and why was so excited about having a brother in Runaway Max, because she relies on comfort people instead of objects.

She’s not very good at putting a name to her relationships. Like, she doesn’t really know how to describe how she feels about somebody, she just knows if she likes them or not. If she feels happy and sage with someone, that’s all that matters, she doesn’t feel the need to classify them beyond that. But she’s also aware that others don’t feel that way! And she feels pretty special when Lucas calls her his girlfriend!

In the future, there can be a lot of different outcomes for her.

If Billy stays dead, I can see Max ending up two ways, either staying in Hawkins because that’s where her brother is dead and buried and trying to move on in her own way, or leaving Hawkins entirely, just cutting ties completely with everyone and everything there to move away from the trauma that’s there, except for every year on B’s birthday when she comes back to visit.

If Billy lives though, I think there’s again two outcomes for her. One where she feels guilty about not noticing the mindflayer and her and Billy’s relationship gets a little strained, because they don’t cope well when they’re trying to pin the blame, or one where she is just grateful her brother isn’t dead and decides to live life to the fullest after that.

In any scenario, she would obviously get the happy ending she deserves, she just has to get there a totally different way.

And also, regardless of what path she takes, I think she’d make for an excellent writer in her future career. She’s smart, she’s got lots of story to tell and draw inspiration from, and it just seems right for her, because it isn’t super constricting and it’s a job most people who do it love!

Now onto Robin!

Her middle name is Leora!

For some reason I have this idea in my head that she doesn’t live with her parents anymore. Not that she got kicked out or anything, just that she moved out pretty early on.

I also think she isn’t from Hawkins. I like the idea that her family moved there just before high school from either Ohio or Maryland, not sure which.

In band, I think she’s a flute. She just gives me flute vibes but I got kicked out of the band so maybe I could be wrong.

It’s canon that she’s goth, wearing her spiky leather bracelet with her work uniform and all, but I think she also sometimes goes in the totally opposite fashion direction, like, sometimes she’s just feeling the patterns and fabrics and colors of the sixties and seventies her mom gave her.

One of her favorite things to do with her friends is go shopping! Not like, around malls, in part because other than Starcourt, the closest mall to Hawkins is forty five minutes away, but she likes to go out with her group and visit all the local thrift shops and cafés and stuff like that.

And she’s super crafty! She has embroidery hoops, beads, jewelry making kits, all of it scattered everywhere!

She has like, the tips of her hair bleached, they sort of look like highlights in a way, so I think it was her that convinced Steve to get his highlights done too.

Matter of fact, I think she teaches Steve a lot of things about himself without either of them realizing. She’s just so, not-superficial I guess, that it starts to rub off of him.

In my head she’s just always got like, a suuuuuper good read on people even if they just met, like, she just sees straight through everybody ever, and that’s why she even gives Steve a chance despite knowing how he treated her in school.

Her Scoops! shorts are pretty big while Steve’s are tight as heck, so I hc that those are his shorts. The uniform used to be a skimpy sailor skirt, but she’s seventeen and not particularly keen on being creeped on by older men when she gets hired there, so she refuses to wear it. She gets in trouble on the first day for wearing jeans, and Steve feels bad about it so he gives her the extra pair of shorts from his uniform!

Robin totally bottles up everything from Starcourt until she can’t anymore. Like, Steve is very open about his struggles with what happened under the mall because he wants help and he’s done it alone before, but she feels like she should be strong, grateful that they survived, and just, move on and forget about it. It doesn’t work and she ends up crashing hard. Like she goes from silently suffering to getting panic attacks all the time, and falling in a super deep depression rut. Obviously her friends are very supportive and provide her with the help she needs, and with time (lots and lots of time) she gets better!

Heather!

Her middle name is Ernestine! It was her grandma's name!

I head canon that she is a lesbian and I ship her and Robin!

She calls Billy William all the time because she was raised to be formal and respectful, and Billy just doesn’t feel or sound right when she says it. Even though she insists her name is Heather and she doesn’t need a nickname, Billy calls her Hetty or H!

She wears clip on earrings! Her parents refuse to let her get her ears pierced because they say she needs to respect her image and all that, but she always felt like she was missing some accessories, and found out from one of her friends about clip ons, which they allow!

Even though she has popular girl vibes, I don’t think she was in high school. Just sort of a floater, and she liked it that way! She’s way too sweet to be in with Steve’s crowd, but had some things in common with pretty much everyone else. Once she’s graduated she sort of falls into that popular category around Hawkins because she’s rich and older now, but she’s still the same old Heather.

Heather is a super good baker and cook! Her mother always had her helping in the kitchen while her dad was staying late at work, and eventually she got really good! Sometimes she’ll just randomly bring her friends like, a load of banana bread or a hot dish because it makes everyone happy!

She's a very affectionate person! If she hasn’t seen her friends for a while she’ll kiss them all over, and everytime you see her you have to hug her (unless you don’t want to, she’s equally as understanding as she is lovey!)

I reject canon! Heather is not dead! I know it’s very unlikely but I think the clones in the upside down were like fail saves, and the real versions are all still alive somewhere!

In the case that this is true, when everything gets fixed I don’t think her memories of what happened to her would be intact, and I think that would be super traumatic for her. Almost worse than how she would be feeling if she knew.

In the future she wants to be in the entertainment industry! I can totally see her becoming a country singer or a soap opera actress or both!

Robin becomes a librarian at the same school that Steve works at when he becomes a teacher! She also does art commissions on the side. Sculpting, painting, charcoals, all of it, she’s good at all of it!

And last but not least, Tommy!!

My hc for Tommy’s middle name is Byrd. It was like a super common name at one point and then just sort of plummeted, and I like to think his parents thought they were being original choosing that one. All of his friends call him Tommy Bird to make fun of him, but he secretly doesn’t hate it.

Tommy and Steve didn’t really become friends until middle school! Hawkins has two elementary schools based on which region you live in, and because they live in like, opposite ends of town they go to different ones. But the first day of middle school when the two schools merge, they’re out for recess, Steve sees Tommy alone and approaches him, and they become instant besties!

Tommy is very insecure about his popularity. Steve is cool with letting his slip because he has other things to worry about, but Tommy doesn’t. His grades are alright and his home life is decent, and he’s not involved in upside down business, so when Steve ditches him and people start to lose interest in him, he gets extremely upset. It consumes him sort of, the fear that nobody likes him anymore. That ends up being why him and Carol break it off for good.

Another reason he thinks a reputation is so important is because he used to be picked on before being friends with Steve. When he was little he had giant glasses and dressed kinda lame, and he internalized that a lot. He’s scared that without Steve they’ll go back to that.

All of that is why he clings onto Billy so tight. Like, his best friend for the past six or seven years just walked out without looking back, and he’s terrified that he’s going to be bullied again. So when big tough guy Billy Hargrove rolls into town he’s like I have to be friends with this dude right now or I’ll die.

I ship him with Steve! A lot! But also I like the thought of Tommy and Steve and Billy, platonically and shippy-y!

As for where he’s from, I don’t think Tommy is Hawkins born and raised. He grew up down south, maybe Georgia, or Tennessee?, but then his uncle over in Indiana starts a snake oil business with his dad and they have to move.

I think he’s very much a lightweight. Alcohol isn’t really his thing because his dad was an alcoholic and it scares him that he’ll be like that, so he never really tried it and his tolerance is super low. He always designates himself the driver, only he doesn’t have a car of his own, he’s not allowed to until he’s on his way to college, so he always drives other people’s cars to their houses and walks home.

I don’t know if Tommy is able to avoid the upside down beyond st2. Maybe him and Billy try to keep in contact once school lets out, but he notices somethings off with him because he’s flayed. This could result in him also being flayed, depending on the situation, or if not he might get involved later, because he starts putting the pieces together after Starcourt.

Tommy owning up and joining Steve in monster hunting quests! Heck yeah!

If there is no involvement with all that mess though, I’d say it takes a few years out of high school for him to finally admit to being wrong. Like, he always maintained that he was right to be mad at Steve for driving away and right to be basically just a bully like he was, but once he’s older, mid twenties maybe, he realizes that wasn’t the way to be and calls a bunch of people up to apologize to them.

He goes to beauty school and becomes a hair stylist and makeup artist on television sets!

As for other background characters, like other party members or adults, I don’t have a whole lot of specific ideas that aren’t already canon! In the future if I write anything where they are more central characters that might change, but as of right now I don’t really have any headcanons for them!

[halictus-writer]

Welcome to Seattle (Ch. 2 of 5)

The next week went by smoothly. Remus had gotten into a familiar routine with his new job, and became more friendly with his colleagues who also wrote for the newspaper. He had always had a tough exoskeleton, but it didn’t take too long to become comfortable enough to let some of his walls down for a few select coworkers. In stark contrast to his friends from college, these coworkers did not press him for details about his dating-- or as James more bluntly put it, sex-- life. In any case, both were nonexistent.

*James changed the name of the chat to “Operation get Remus laid”*

James: Alright, here we go. Remus, are you ready to read some wisdom coming from yours truly?

*Remus removed James from the chat*

The truth was, Remus wasn’t opposed to getting back out there. The only drawback was that he didn’t know how to get back out there. His relationship with his ex had started organically, with little effort on Remus’s part. And being in a serious relationship for so long had saved him from having to learn how to flirt and casually date new people.

*Lily changed the name of the chat to “Help Remus get back out there, if he wants to”*

*Lily added James to the chat*

James: Alright Remus, you’ve had a chance to get all settled down in your new place, but now it is time to wake up and smell the coffee

Lily: What James means, Remus, is that we think you should maybe try to re-enter the dating scene. Only if you feel ready, of course.

Remus: is this an intervention?

Lily: no

James: yes

Dorcas: ooh are we voting? Marlene is driving so she can’t text but we both vote yes

James: Remus. My son. Fruit of my loins. You are a total catch. It is time for you to take your beautiful face out from behind those sad Jane Austen novels I know you’re rereading every night and get your freak on

Remus: I appreciate your investment in my sex life, I really do, but I think I’m doing fine.

Remus: also you’re not my dad. I’m older than you by five months

James: Oh really? Let’s play a game where you say True or False to each statement I make.

Remus: Fine. But only until my lunch break ends

James: Here’s the first one: My name is Remus Lupin

Remus: ...true

James: My favorite food is chocolate.

Remus: true

James: The most recent time I had sex was within the last 2 months

*Remus removed James from the chat*

Remus spent the rest of his lunch break walking through Pike Place Market. He loved the lively atmosphere of the place, and mentally mapped out the places he would like to spend more time in, in the future. No longer constrained by a vacation schedule, he can see as many shops and stores in Seattle as he would like.

He also sent pictures of the most interesting areas to the friend group via Snapchat. Having multiple avenues of communication proved to be very helpful for a group of people as prone to theatrics as they were. Any arguments or disagreements could stay in whatever platform they originated in, and if people were (temporarily) removed from that platform, they would still have access to another. This unspoken agreement allowed the group to plan James and Lily’s upcoming visit on Snapchat, while Remus kept up his faux-anger at James’s nosiness in the messages app. Remus knew he would tell them everything when he saw them in person, but being ambushed with the topic on a Tuesday while he was at work was not his preferred arena.

***

Saturday morning found the group reunited at a breakfast nook within the Market. Remus sat next to Lily in one booth, opposite Dorcas and Marlene, while James sat in a wooden chair on one end. Remus appreciated that his friends made sure their seating configuration didn’t highlight his own status as the fifth wheel.

After catching up on everyone’s lives, and many pointed glances directed at James from customers who evidently didn’t want to hear the piercing falsetto James used when reenacting conversations with Lily’s sister, the conversation found its way back to Remus’s dating life.

“Remus, you’re a catch and a half. It’s been a few months since your relationship ended, and it may be time to get back out there.” Lily started.

“It’s true,” Marlene added, nodding, “if I weren’t dating Dorcas I would be all over you and your wool cardigan. Almost makes me forget I’m a lesbian.” She laughed as she dodged a light flick from Dorcas.

“If you were a woman I’d totally sleep with you.” James said sincerely.

“Uh oh, misogynistic comment tax!” Dorcas swept in and took a piece of bacon from his plate before dividing it between Lily and herself. “For the vegetarian,” she made a half bow gesture from her seat as she presented Marlene with a liberated strawberry.

“Um, thank you for the votes of confidence, I think,” Remus began. “I appreciate it, I really do, well maybe not what James said, but I’ll admit defeat. I have been thinking about getting back into the dating scene.”

“A-ha!” James shouted, gesturing his final piece of bacon towards Remus. “The man is smelling the coffee. I can see it, he’s smelling it.”

“But,” Remus said softly, hoping that his reduced volume would subtly encourage James to be quieter as well, “I don’t really know how to meet people. I mean, we’re not in school anymore.”

“It isn’t easy, but you are in a much bigger city now,” Lily reasoned, “so theoretically your dating pool is much larger.”

“And there’s all kinds of designated queer spaces here!” James added. “You can go to gay bars and stuff, right?”

“I would pay to see Remus at a gay nightclub,” Marlene said, laughing.

“I would pay to see Remus awake past nine PM,” Dorcas said, “and not because you’re finishing a book.”

“Okay, okay, thanks everybody. I appreciate it.” Remus said flatly.

“Alright, let’s reel it in. Point is, you can meet people organically here, and we’ll support you.” Lily said. After she gave pointed looks around the table, the others nodded, although James was still smiling. “We can switch the topic now, but you better plan on keeping us updated on all your dating endeavors.”

James continued to smile mischievously, and added “And all of your casual sex endeavors. I need to know the exact starting date of your post-breakup hoe-phase. Get on the dating apps! You’d be a beast on there.”

“No.” Remus and Lily said in unison.

Lily continued, “I think you’ll have better luck meeting people organically. Dating apps can be creepy.”

When Dorcas finally changed the topic by prompting Marlene to tell the story of the cat she swore was taking the bus by itself last week, Remus sighed in relief.

***

A few days after James and Lily’s visit, Remus and Dorcas met for coffee before work. Once they had gotten their iced coffees, and in Remus’s case, a giant brownie (he hadn’t been to the Italian restaurant in a few days, so it was well-earned), Dorcas began a monologue that could hold its own against one of James’s.

"Alright. We love James and Lily. We love their beautiful, heterosexual, suburban lives. I am in awe of their enchanting, heterosexual love story, and how they met heterosexually and organically in their Communications class, and how it must have been meant to be when James was late to class and took the only available seat, next to our heterosexual princess.”

Remus laughed in silence, trying not to choke on a bite of brownie.

“Their heterosexual hearts are in the right place. Their heterosexual advice is kindly meant. And yet!” Dorcas announced, punctuating with one pointer finger, “you’re gay!”

Remus, having just finished swallowing the brownie and mistakenly taken a sip of coffee, struggled to not spit it out.

“Dating apps can be weird, of course, but it’s so much easier to meet other queer people there, and not worry as much about hoping the person you flirt with isn’t going to be offended by your existence.”

“Fair point,” Remus said, consciously not eating or drinking until Dorcas was finished.

“Until they open an LGBTQ+ bookstore coffee shop combo, which they totally should, and you would totally thrive in, you should get on Tinder."

Somehow Remus blushed at that, despite being a twenty-six year-old man who has dated before.

Dorcas called him on his blush, and laughed. “You are the most wholesome person I know, it’s too adorable. I won’t make you talk about it in public if it’s embarrassing, but just consider it.”

Remus agreed to do so, but secretly considered the pros and cons of staying single forever. Making a dating profile sounded anxiety-inducing.

***

When Remus walked through the doors of the Italian restaurant for the third time, he instantly felt a little better, as if his brain was already beginning to associate the place with the healing effects of the pizza he would soon be eating.

He had been feeling a little down this afternoon, with his thoughts often gravitating back towards his ex. He considered reaching out to one of his friends, since he knew they would be more than happy to talk him through it, but decided that a little alone time would do him good. Besides, he hadn’t eaten margherita pizza in over a week. It was time to indulge.

Looking up from his booth, he was momentarily surprised to find Sirius standing right in front of him, ready to take his order. Sirius hadn’t been working during Remus’s most recent visit, and Remus tried not to stare at the wavy pieces of hair framing his face, the rest tied back in place. Realizing that Sirius had spoken, Remus tried to regain composure.

“Hi, um, sorry, what was that?” So much for composure, Remus thought.

Sirius smiled warmly, holding eye contact. “You’re good. I just asked what I can get started for you today.” He added a little gesture to the pen and notepad he was holding.

“Oh, um, one small margherita pizza, please. And some water would be great, too.”

“Coming right up!” Sirius announced, and turned towards the kitchen. Remus pointedly looked away from the view, reminding himself that he was here to feel sad, not lustful. But, then again, maybe the latter would help him get over the former. Either way, his spirits were already lifting.

When Sirius returned carrying a beautifully steaming pizza, Remus was ready to devour it. He was also ready to speak words to Sirius like a normal person, having mentally rehearsed “Thank you, this looks great.” a hundred times.

“Thanks, you look great!” Remus expressed, looking at Sirius. His blush immediately materialized. “Wait, oh god. Sorry–”

Sirius laughed, “No worries! People tell me ‘you too’ when I tell them to enjoy their food, like, at least once a shift. You’re in good company.”

Remus smiled and felt a little more relaxed. “Thanks.”

Sirius shuffled for a second, looking like he had more to say, before saying “Well, enjoy your pizza!”

“You too!” Remus said, in mock sincerity. They both laughed.

***

When Sirius brought the check, he also dropped off a piece of tiramisu. “It’s for you!” He said, smiling and already walking away, as Remus tried to protest.

Remus ate about forty percent of the cake, mentally focusing intensely on the next plot point in his novel. Eventually, the soggy texture overpowered his desire to appear grateful for the free dessert, and he left the restaurant quietly when Sirius stepped back into the kitchen, away from sight.

[spit-out-the-dust]

Timeline.

I wanted to come up with a great title as though I were writing a book. When I wrote down the homework “Create a timeline of your sexuality” I did not want to do just a basic timeline because for one: I am a dusty writer (dusty meaning it’s been years since I have actually wrote anything.) for two: I can’t heal if I don’t get it all down. 

I would start with Once Upon A Time: but instead I’ll start with what I remember. 

Third grade. I remember in the third grade I was sitting in class and I was masturbating. Obviously I didn’t know that this is what I was doing, and it wasn’t the “fingering myself” kind of self pleasure it was this rocking motion that I did with my legs that always gave me this sensational pleasure that I loved. I did this often. Very often. I remember making eye contact with the teacher and in my mind I thought I could do it slowly and she wouldn’t notice. I don’t really know if she noticed or not because I don’t remember her saying anything or stopping me. 

A lot of my childhood during that time is a blur to me. I know I need therapy. I know there are dark moments that my mind has blocked out. But since we are doing the timeline I will stick with how the timeline works and we will come back to some of the dark times. 

Fifth grade I come home. There are images all over the house of naked women. Everywhere. My mother is crying and she makes me leave the house. I go to the neighbor’s house. I’ve no idea what is going on. I have no idea why there are naked women all over my house.

I’m in middle school. I remember being so awkward. I truly believed I was so ugly. He wasn’t my real dad but he was what I knew as my dad. He was their dad and I just accepted him as mine because he was all I ever knew. His name was Scott. Sixth grade. I remember him making fun of my breasts. “you don’t need a bra you just need a band aid” he always made comments about my body. He would tell me I needed makeup. That I wasn’t pretty without it. He made me do weird things. give him body massages. listen to him as he cried about my mother leaving him. Listen to him about her affair. Everyone at school was experimenting. I remember Jamie came back to school and had mentioned getting “fingered” by Thomas. Sixth grade. I was disgusted by this. I did not want anyone to hug me let alone “finger” me. I had a couple of boyfriends in middle school but they would want to kiss me and I was very uncomfortable with that so I did not keep boyfriends. 

My step dad does come into the picture. He is nice to me but there is still so much that makes me uncomfortable with him trying to love on me like hugs... I don’t trust him. at all. I see that he is good to mom but there is still so much toxicity and I don’t like being touched, at all. 

Highschool. I still had not started my period. I still did not feel like a woman. I still masturbated all the time. I did not want my mom to know or anyone, I was very ashamed and embarrassed because I did not know why my body loved it so much and why I felt so good afterwards. I was finally allowed to wear more makeup and I hid behind mascara mostly. Scott continued to tell me I was ugly. He doted on Loren, a lot. I was so jealous of her because she was the favorite. I now realize what was happening but at the time I just felt worthless and ugly. 

Sixteen years old. I got my first real boyfriend. I say real because I finally let a boy kiss me. I had started my period and decided I would never have sex because it hurt so bad putting a tampon in. I really liked this boy and for once felt beautiful. He even made me feel beautiful without makeup. I thought for sure I had finally found something in my life that made sense. He didn’t make fun of my body. I let him get past second base at a football field. Two cops on horses caught us and thought we were having sex, we weren’t. But I finally figured out why girls liked that fingering thing so much. 

College. This was completely new for me. I had pretty much started blocking my family out. My sister was having bad dreams all the time. she started sleeping in my bed because she couldn’t stay in her room. She talked about a shadow at the end of her bed. There was a lot of chaos in the family because she was a lesbian and my mother would not accept it. No one really worried about me so I was not paid a lot of attention to which I didn’t mind because I was “in love” and happy. 

Nineteen years old. I finally did it. I fully gave myself away to the man who I was convinced I was going to marry. Growing up in a baptist church I was told that if I had sex before marriage I was basically nothing more than a whore. I really wanted to be better than the horrible stories my mother told me about when she slept with every guy she knew in highschool. it made sense though because I was beautiful to him and he loved me so I gave myself to him. We had been together for awhile now. It made sense. 

End of freshman year of college. found out at some point that my “true love” had been cheating on me. All of the confidence I had built up in myself, completely and utterly shattered. He then got married a few short months later and I don’t know what happened but I lost myself. Or maybe I found myself. All I know is that I started having sex regularly, starting with his bestfriend. My friends were turning to liquor and marijuana and mushrooms and all I wanted was sex. I went from never wanting anyone to touch me to putting myself into situations where I didn’t even want to sleep with the person but I felt like if I didn’t I would be a tease. My sexuality was found in my body completely.  twenty years old. I have somehow developed curves. Nothing major, but my ass is huge now and I’m getting a lot of attention. I find my sexuality completely and totally in my body and the control I can have with it. Guys who made fun of me in highschool were showing up at college parties wanting to dance and wanting to bring me home. I felt in control because of this. I was being noticed. I found myself in them noticing me. I dressed the part and even pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t stare for long in mirrors. But I was accepted by everyone else. 

I finally had a night that snapped me awake. He tried to rape me and I was able to get to my phone and send out a text to a good friend who showed up. I remember falling on the concrete and crying. She brought me inside her dorm and I slept for almost three days straight. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. 

I got a phone call. My sister had finally opened up that Scott had been sexually abusing her. she needed therapy. she started therapy and the therapist told her that if she unlocked everything within her mind she might not recover. But she had already remembered. She told me, a lot. My mother told me she was crazy and it wasn’t true. I buried myself into school and continued to push my family away because it was too much. I was so selfish. I was so lost

I met him. He was so incredibly toxic. an alcoholic. a cheater. an abuser. but it just made sense. his son was perfect and I had found my calling with children. I needed to save them. This will come to make sense later. 

I fell in love with his son and decided I could fix him and make it work. That he was just broken like me and I was better at hiding my brokenness than he was. So I made all the excuses. He also cheated a few times. Couldn’t prove it but it was there. the other women. I never added up. Probably because without makeup I’m a twelve year old boy. not pretty. The words of Scott always flashing before my eyes. His words never making me feel anything other than just enjoyable in bed. 

I start to volunteer with abused and battered children. I volunteer with a lot but there is something within the training of this particular place I volunteered at where things start to make sense. My brain starts to realize that everything with Loren growing up makes a little more sense. Me masturbating so young makes a little more sense. I try to talk to mom and she shuts me down. So I bury it. Knowing that someone in my life hurt me as a child, I can feel it. I know this is true. I know what Loren is saying is true. 

Dillon starts to have bad anger issues and gets in trouble with law enforcement. His anger is so bad. 

I graduate. I’m pregnant, which is a miracle, my doctor had told me I couldn’t ever carry full term and the likelihood of having a kid was pretty non existent. 

But I have her. I get married. I start my job as a foster care worker right out of college. eight months pregnant. 

I marry for all the wrong reasons but I had stopped believing in “true love” because mine was never real in my head and I just really wanted to save this man and his son so that my daughter could have a dad. Something I never fully had, and when I did have it it wasn’t healthy because something was clearly wrong with me. 

The marriage is awful. We work different shifts. I feel so ugly all the time. We stop having sex completely. I’m not feeling sexy. I’m tired all the time. work is so much. I get involved with a multi level marketing business. They fill me up with positivity and for me I think maybe this is what I’m missing. I meet a man in Johnson City who says things to me that I haven’t heard since I was sixteen. I feel beautiful again. I fall into that trap. I have a full on affair. my mentors in my life find out and step in. I am made to feel completely awful. Like I am nothing but a harlot. They tell me I have to fix my marriage and that everything that i complain about with him it’s really me that needs to be fixed. I completely believe this and for two years I feel like I’m worthless and I have completely destroyed my life. I read books. SO MANY BOOKS. I find Jesus again. Baptism. I completely fix myself. So I think. I’m still miserable. He still makes me feel like I’m nothing. Not beautiful. Nothing. 

I decide I don’t want to do foster care anymore. I want to be an investigator. I want to fully save children. 

I start my training and that is when it happens. 

I’m sitting in class and I black out. 

I remember more. I am four, maybe five years old. I’m sitting on the cold floor and I’m crying. I can hear them snoring in the bed. He had just finished being in my room. he had just finished with me. I remember me and loren and dillon in the bedroom. Touching each other. I remember him walking in and catching us. He said nothing. Did nothing. I remember Loren having her bad dreams and him coming into our bedroom. I remember him making them sleep in the bed with him. It comes flooding over me. 

I try to talk to him about it. he tells me I’m messed up. I need help. I’m not ready for therapy yet. I’m not ready for help. I start reading. watching documentaries. podcasts. I realize now why I’m saving children. I realize now that I’m saving the children where I couldn’t save them. I realize now that some children block it out. Their brain doesn’t want the trauma so subconsciously it blocks out the pain. Mine is completely blocked out. I call Loren and Dillon and ask them to sit down and talk about things. Dillon won’t. He isn’t ready. Loren comes. it’s bad. She remembers so much and then I am able to fill in some pieces as well. 

I call mom and she finally tells me so much. So much fucked up shit. His mom walking in on him in the shower talking about his dick. Him masturbating all over the house and mom finding random socks and tissues with cum all over the house. She told me I was masturbating as early as three years old. That my grandmother had walked in on him naked with me. But that mom took me to the doctor and he saw no concerns and so she put it out of her mind. She didn’t know that doctors cannot always tell if a child has been sexually abused because not every child is penetrated and even the ones who are they can heal so quickly.... she didn’t know any better and yet I am so angry because I feel as though she should have. She tells me about the weird pictures he would take of me. She tells me about the things he used to say to her. She tells me about how sick he was in the bedroom and not like the rough choking sex I like or wanting to be bit so hard that marks are left.... but stuff that should have been a sign to her that he was not right in the head. 

So much fucked up stuff and my head is killing me. I’m so mad. I’m at sonic in my car and I am yelling at her and blaming her because she knew how fucked up he was and she let him be around us. I’m mad because it’s her fault that we were abused. 

I shut down completely. I can’t have sex. I can’t be touched. I dive into work so much. I have to save them all. I have to make up for all the times I turned my back on Loren and just believed she wanted attention. I have to make up for all the times I was so jealous because she was the “special child” she was the “pretty one” she was the “favorite” she was the one always being “doted on” I’m sick to my stomach now because I realize it ALL. I know why she started dressing like a boy. I know why she stopped shaving and wanted to look like a boy.... she just wanted him to stop. She blamed herself and wanted him to stop noticing her. she wanted to be invisible. I am losing myself in my thoughts and my job and just being a good mom. I have to be the best mom ever i can’t ever allow my children to see such pain... So much that I don’t notice that he starts talking to another girl. I ask him if he wants a divorce. He tells me he does. He tells me that he has so much resentment built up towards me because I want to change the world and he doesn’t care about anything or anyone and that I make him feel like a bad person. He tells me I care more about the children at work than I do him and he is envious of my love for children and our children. So we split up. I refuse to change. I’m crying on the bathroom floor. He walks in and shakes his head. He leaves. 

I am once again naive. I seek comfort in the arms of another man. a married one. one who I was told was going through what I was. he pretended to care about the trauma. Even spoke to the DA about prosecution even after all of these years. I fell in love. I felt beautiful again and I felt like someone understood what I was going through. Someone didn’t think I was damaged but stated that my scars made me who I was and I was beautiful. I find that I would do anything for him. I had never put a man as such a priority. But it doesn’t last. he goes back because he wasn’t honest. with me or her. I realize that my judgement in people is fucked up. bad. I realize that I can’t make good decisions. 

I once again feel like I am nothing. I have no good judgement in love. in relationships at all. I’m not truly beautiful. I’m just a good time for people. I do it to myself. It is all my fault. I’m broken. I’m bruised. So I find my sexuality in that. I am just a good time for people, like I was in college. Just a nice piece of ass. 

The divorce is really happening. I’m completely made to believe that I am broken and the problem. No one will ever put up with me. No one will ever love me. 

I get a facebook message. He invites me over and in my mind I’m just going to go back to that time in college. I just need sex. I need to feel wanted and needed and desired. We have sex. The next day though he wants me to stay. he wants to spend time with me. This wasn’t supposed to happen but I just go along with it. 

The divorce finalizes. He tells me he has decided I’m pretty without make up and he wants me back. I ask him why he married me. He tells me it was the blow jobs. Once again nothing more than just sex. 

So I show up after the facebook message. He tells me he wants to take things slow. Of course my mind is toxic and so I think this means he just wants to use me for sex, because that’s all I’m good for anyways. I’m not actually pretty, my body is great because the yoga and the running from where work fucks with my mind has paid off... but I’m fucked up mentally and no one truly will want to stick through it...  The sex is good and this is all I am. I am good for nothing but sex. I cannot be a real thing for anyone because I am fucked up. I’m a mess. 

As time goes on he is kind to me. He calls me beautiful all the time. always compliments me. for more than just my looks though. He notices things I have never even noticed. I’m passionate. I’m caring. I’m persistent. I’m not messed up. My bruises and my brokenness actually have made me better. I can truly relate to these children and they know. So they tell me. They open up. They tell me about their demons because they see my own demons in my eyes.

He accepts me for me. He makes me communicate and open up. He doesn’t just let me walk away. I tried. I keep thinking it’s too good to be true. It’s been fourteen months. Can someone actually be this good? This kind? I still have nightmares. I don’t sleep well. I have hit him during a bad dream. I get scared. I have black outs. I need therapy. we both know this. I just haven’t made the time. but he is so patient. 

My sexuality timeline has always been in the hands of someone else. I was told by someone who pretended to be my father that my sexuality was in my makeup, was in my body, and he took away my innocence to where I was ashamed and did not want anyone to touch me but I also loved the way getting off felt and I was ashamed of that.... because of him. 

I then found my sexuality in another man. Who built me up and cheated and I lost it all again. My sexuality has been in makeup. relationships.... my trauma.... having sex.... having rough sex and wondering why I like pain so much and then realizing that I will like any and everything I can to just simply feel alive and desired in that moment of intimacy because I can’t slow down long enough to capture what real intimacy means and I’m afraid to be that open and it isn’t just a cute facebook meme, I actually choke up and start shaking when being open is an option. I shut down. I cry in showers. I hyperventilate. It is all very real even though I say I don’t let it consume me, it has. 

all the psychology books explains why I am the way I am in so many ways. I understand why everything happened the way it did with my sister. she has tried alcohol. drugs... everything to block out the pain. I have blocked it out with sex and work. Saving as many kids as I can. I’m not healed. I am still finding my sexuality in a man...only this time at least it is a good man. But I am determined to realize what my own sexuality is, without anyone else defining it for me. without my trauma defining it for me. I am taking those next steps. 

[petekaos]

Merlin and arthur for your character ask game!!

I sent an ask about merlin and Arthur for the ask game, I hope that's okay!! I don't know if you only wanted characters from bl shows lol but I had to send them, I l o v e them

hiii nonnie!! oh this is perfectly alright, i adore merlin and arthur like no other! bbc merlin was the first show that ever truly... stuck with me. so here goes! (uhhh, pretty pivotal spoilers for bbc merlin in case it wasn’t obvious!)

merlin:

favorite thing about them: 

i just love how GOOD merlin is! he’s one of my absolute favourite characters of all time and the way how he tries to help everyone and anyone he can and uses his magic in order to make people’s lives easier is just... wonderful. he literally gets into escapades every episode because he wants to help one person or another and it’s just so so good and funny, i love him.

least favorite thing about them: 

honestly you could not count the amount of times i’ve shaken my fist at the screen and told merlin to stop listening to kilgarrah lmaooo, i feel merlin trusts... too blindly. especially when it comes to destiny and all that lark, i wish he would think for himself and realise that destiny is something you mold. i feel that would have made s4 and s5 WAY more interesting and also... better! considering the entire mordred subplot as well.

favorite line: 

god... this series is five seasons long and merlin has the most wonderful quotes. but off the top of my head? i have to pick something from the finale, as i will do for arthur as well. “and i use it for you, arthur. only for you.” like... that continues to tug on my heartstrings, honestly. the way he feels the need to justify himself having magic, and the way that merlin went from this young, innocent, stars-in-his-eyes boy to a wrecked mess in the end, living not for himself, but solely for arthur and the good of camelot. this line showcases that beautifully and how merlin needs to heal first before loving arthur. he has the greatest power in the world... and he uses it all for this one man. bro.

brotp: 

merlin and gwen!!! merlin and morgana!!! merlin and the knights!!! i love the idea of all of them being a tight-knit and close family, merlin just... meshes well with so many people and i adore all of his friendships, esp with lancelot and gwaine from the knights :’)

otp: 

merlin x arthur. yeah, man. the tragedy of it all... the heartwrenching ache of it all... they truly served in a way that no other white non-canonical mlm couple could. absolutely wonderful.

notp: 

not really... fond of any merlin ship apart from merlin x arthur but merlin x morgana is Bad, he’s gay and she’s a lesbian and they’re magic best friends!

random headcanon: 

this is similar to my one for met, but merlin should use his magic and play WAY more pranks on arthur. i’m talking throwing stuff at him when he’s got his back turned but acting all innocent when he turns back. i’m talking stealing more of his food and shrugging his shoulders. i’m talking sparring with arthur in front of all the knights and cheating so he can win. arthur is fuming but he can never say anything because the knights all love merlin more than him and would never believe any sort of accusation against him.

unpopular opinion: 

he should have helped morgana. end of. merlin helps everyone he sees, and the fact that he would just brush morgana off like that is a) shitty writing for more drama and b) a complete mischaracterisation. they deserved to be friends who tried to bring magic back to camelot together in their own ways, and considering that they’re literally opposites when it comes to personality... it would have been SO interesting.

song i associate with them: 

vanilla twilight by owl city. i have thought of this as a merlin (and merlin x arthur) song for quite a while now and wrote a whole fic based off of it! but yeah, especially the line “i’ll watch the night turn light blue / but it’s not the same without you” fucking GETS me. i always wondered how merlin coped with his grief, considering that arthur became such a pivotal part of his life, and how he realised he needed to live for himself and heal before he came back. some of that is explored in the fic! i wrote it like... almost four years ago, holy shit, so it’s not that good but have at it if you wish!

favorite picture of them: 

have this picture of merlin i actually have saved on my laptop!! he looks so good in the coronation outfit and the light is hitting his eyes just right. glorious boy!

//

arthur: 

favorite thing about them: 

i adore how arthur always wants to do the right thing, even if it means going against his father in the later seasons. he also just loves the people of his kingdom so much, even saying he’d lay down his life for the people in camelot... which you need to do as king, obviously, but something about his sincerity... and that’s another thing. he’s so sincere in everything he does! i love him :’)

least favorite thing about them: 

emotionally constipated arrogant BRAT fhsnfhsn lmaooo i love him, and he gets better with the arrogance and the emotional constipation (not so much on the brat front :/) in the later seasons. i just... adore his character development so much!

favorite line: 

okay. i have two off the top of my head although he has some RAW fucking lines as well. “for the love of camelot!” always gets me btw but that’s not a part of this. 

so number one, “i couldn’t bear to lose you.” this ties in with the thing about character development i was talking about earlier, because s1 arthur would have never said this to merlin, even if they had a great relationship. and also... that line is just so fucking raw, especially hearing arthur refer to merlin as his friend when arthur doesn’t refer to anyone else as a friend. just... the fact that he’s saying that he literally could not take it if merlin went missing or died, he couldn’t bear the weight of that on his shoulders as he bears everything else on his shoulders... it makes my heart clench every time. and how open and honest that is, how he lays everything out on the table--merlin is a vital part of his life, so much so that he couldn’t picture his life without him.

and secondly: “just hold me.” it doesn’t matter how many times i watch that finale, that line always gets me. how all arthur wants to do in his last moments is be held by merlin, and as said by the showrunners themselves i believe... he died peacefully in the arms of someone who loved him. the way that he gives up and he doesn’t say anything else, not things he needs to do after he dies or messages to give others... but only three words. “just hold me.” all he wants is to be held, and it gets me every time.

brotp: 

aaaaaa arthur and morgana!!! the best siblings, they deserved so much better and so many more banter-y scenes together :( 

otp: 

merlin x arthur, no doubt baby!

notp: 

hmmm, i don’t think i particularly have a famed arthur ship that i dislike... arthur x gwen is good!! just not my cup of tea i think, i like merlin x arthur and morgana x gwen more. do people ship morgana x arthur? if so, no. they’re literally siblings.

random headcanon: 

arthur is FASCINATED by magic. in a better world, after merlin had told him about his magic, he would have endlessly pestered merlin about this and that and being so impressed with every small feat of magic merlin did. merlin conjures up a light dragon and arthur is all “:D merlin do that again!!!” i love arthur being a little kid and getting to have the childhood he never had, makes me feel warm :’)

unpopular opinion: 

i know it wasn’t his fault but i cannot BELIEVE he gave up right then and there during the finale. they were so close :(( i cannot accept that ending man i’m just sad

song i associate with them: 

king and lionheart by of monsters and men. i think the merlin fandom is pretty much unified on the opinion of this being a merlin x arthur song and it’s just... such a good arthur song as well! man... especially the line of “as the world comes to an end, i’ll be there to hold your hand” like... if that isn’t arthur talking to merlin... nonnie you’ve made me emotional over how much i love them again :(

favorite picture of them: 

no doubt in my mind that this is my absolute favourite picture of arthur. the tender expression in his eyes as he looks at merlin over at the fire... i don’t have words for it. bradley truly outdid himself here man!

send me a character!

[incandescent-eden]

STORY MASTERLIST

A (not so) comprehensive list of all the things I write about, all of which are subject to change at any given time because I do a lot of refactoring!

LOOOOONG POST INCOMING I write... a LOT, and I have... MANY projects :) Feel free to ask me about any of them! :)

With love <3 Continue reading below the cutoff if you want to know the basic rundown of my worlds and works!

ANGELVERSE:

This universe encompasses all of the angels and demons I like to focus on. Works in the angelverse will likely be about Faraday (formerly known as Efrem), a demon lieutenant, Ezekiel, a young angel, the archangel Uriel, or angel Raguel / angel Sophia (their stories are intertwined).

The main concept I have on Angelverse surrounds Faraday, who has grown into himself as a demon and made something of himself. He finds it impossible to shake who he was before. The question comes up during an important meeting between Heaven and Hell of whether he is truly Faraday or Efrem, his own self that he has shakily become, or the self he inherited from being his father’s son. There’s also brotherly angst between Faraday and Ezekiel, who refuses to let go of the past. (If you look at my old works tagged ‘ezekiel,’ you’ll see Ezekiel used to be a part of Faraday/his ‘ideal’ self, which is why new Ezekiel, separate from Faraday, reads so differently.)

The Raguel and Sophia stories are also closely linked to characters Andromeda and possibly Zachariah. Andromeda’s father runs a cult and has captured an angel in his attic. When Andromeda finds the angel (Sophia), her otherwise “normal” life is thrown into disarray as she starts unraveling threads about her father’s actions as a cult leader. If Zachariah is to be a part of it, he would be living with Andromeda’s family, having run away from his past.

Prominent characters in Angelverse include: Faraday, Uriel, Ezekiel, Stena, Michael, Ramiel, Raguel, Sophia, Zachariah, Ambriel, Ruhiel, Gabriel, Raphael, Luci, Bee, Sasha, Saoirse, and Heather. With the exception of Sophia, all names ending with “el” are angels, while the rest are demons. Also, I say prominent, but like half of these characters are from a bygone era (2018 when I first created them).

TW/CW for heavy religious (Christian) imagery, emotional abuse, violence, transphobia mentions and cult talk. Additional content warning because I tend to write angels as LGBT, but I recognize that some people are not comfortable with this affiliation with Christianity.

LUXTRURA (NOTE: LUXTRURA IS ON PERMANENT HIATUS):

Luxtrura is the name of a fictional country in ye olde European fantasy style, and I haven’t thought of a title for the WIP yet, so I mainly tag it ‘luxtrura’ or ‘luxtruran trio.’ This WIP is a fantasy / dystopian / political intrigue about an uprising in the kingdom of Luxtrura run by an inexperienced king and corrupt nobles all vying for the crown.

Luxtrura (at the current moment) follows the life of His Majesty Devron Fharren, the Eighth Fharren King, who inherited the crown by kingdom decrees at the age of 21. Unlike most kings, Devron has only had seven years of proper royal tutelage on statecraft, having only been named heir to the throne when he was 14. He soon finds he has inherited a kingdom that has been deeply wounded, that his people hate him, and that he has few allies among his own country’s nobles, his friends, and neighboring royalty. Revolution is brewing, and he has a choice to make: to claim his birthright or to help his people.

Prominent characters include: Devron Fharren, Eden Barison, Mili Starr, Plumeria Rwalke, Lilia Tao, Rassaya Tao, Andrea (a mysterious stranger who gives only her first name), Jakob Fiyre, Cordelia Fiyre, Liseline Fiyre, Sonja, and Orange and Rouse (the dragons).

TW/CW for violence, sexual assault mentions, transphobia mentions, political talk, blatant classism, and death.

GLOWING EYES:

A “what-if” scenario where Victor Frankenstein and Dorian Gray had met and become friends and also Frankenstein wasn’t a man and was named Viola and was not a pleb weakling like Victor. Also Dorian Gray is fat because I said so.

This story reimagines the Frankenstein and Dorian Gray cast as students in their final year of the prestigious University of Ingolstadt, with Frankenstein having returned from a year off during which she was suspended for [redacted] reasons. The vibe we’re going for is dark academia, but I don’t think they ever actually do any learning?

Prominent characters include: Viola Frankenstein, Dorian Gray, Elizabeth Lavenza, Henry Clerval, Basil Hallward, Deukalion, and special shoutout to Justine Moritz and Sibyl Vane because I didn’t want to put them in, but they definitely deserved better in the source material.

TW/CW for death, violence, toxic/obsessive relationships, grave-robbing, body part mentions (eyes, limbs, etc), and mentions of the Devil. Basically, if it was a concerning part of either the Frankenstein or Dorian Gray stories, it will still be concerning.

Fun fact, there is a Glowing Eyes playlist that I am NOT too ashamed to share with the public! :D

HELEN OF LEGEND:

A retelling of the Helen of Sparta story that explores Helen’s thoughts and motivations. Who was the woman behind the face that launched a thousand ships? And did she ever even want those ships to be launched? (Spoiler alert: the answer is no.)

Helen of Legend gets pretty heavy handed because I get really mad about people lauding the Greeks as the end all be all of culture, and I’m still really mad about how people dress Millie Bobby Brown up like she’s 25-40, so make of that what you will.

On the bright side, Helen of Legend is a sapphic retelling!

Prominent characters include: Helen, Leda, Menelaus, Clytemnestra, Penelope, Theseus, Aphrodite, Paris, Cassandra, Hector, and Hecuba.

TW/CW for misogyny, implied past sexual assault, sexual assault mentions, mentions of spousal and emotional abuse, people being generally creepy about bodies, people being creepy toward children (Theseus), cities burning, subtle classism, and death.

OF DANCERS AND DREAMERS:

A musical about Anne-Marie, a non-binary Vietnamese lesbian born into a wealthy family, and Jules, a Tunisian baker’s daughter who is working her way into the Paris ballet. Anne-Marie wants to be a designer, but their mother, Mme Trinh, has other plans. The year is 1884, and it was hard for the Trinh family, as immigrants, to establish their foothold in society, and Mme Trinh will not have her child throw away the family’s hard work. One day, while at the ballet, Anne-Marie becomes smitten with Jules, a ballerina with the most dazzling smile. They find solace in sharing their passions with one another and become friends, each eventually realizing they have fallen for the other in a time that is unfriendly to both of them.

Prominent characters include: Anne-Marie, Jules, Victor, Mme Trinh, and Amandine.

TW/CW for subtle homophobia, classism, mental illness, and parental guilt tripping/emotional toxicity.

THE LYRE EFFECT:

A play about life after death, and what it means to live and love. This play follows Patroclus upon his death, desperate to return to Achilles. He meets the reluctant Eurydice, embittered by decades alone in limbo halfway between life and death. Together, they almost throw someone off a boat (is it really murder if they’re already dead?) and have a chance to tell their stories, stepping out from the shadows of their more famous lovers.

I took a lot of liberties with this, so Orpheus is a woman (wlw OrphEurydice), and I would like for both Achilles and Patroclus to be played by trans men, and for all of the characters to be played by non-white actors.

Prominent characters include: Patroclus, Eurydice, Achilles, Orpheus, Apollo, Hades, Charon

TW/CW for talk about death

SPEED ROUND (OR: THINGS I WRITE ABOUT THAT AREN’T AS AMBITIOUS JUST YET/AT THE CURRENT MOMENT):

Here Lies Forever - a story focusing around two young people, Medb Flaherty and Virgil Sutherland, growing up at an orphanage amid war, abandonment, and sickness. Medb is a blind writer who dreams of traveling the world with Virgil, her best friend since their teen years, but when the war strikes too close to home, Virgil leaves Medb and their peaceful student life behind to join the army. Unwilling to let go, and recognizing the pain Virgil is in, Medb takes it upon herself to save Virgil, the both of them haunted by the ghosts of their pasts.

On the Corner of Maple Street - short stories about the lives of Sarah and Evangeline together, two lesbian women who met when Sarah was 28 and Evangeline was 31. Sarah was a toy maker and Evangeline was an actress. They have a son named Oliver, who’s now in his forties, and they’re grandmas to all the neighborhood children. They live on the corner of Maple Street :)

Partager Un Reve - short stories, often romantic, about two circus performers, Alyona Ledbedeva (who does aerial silks) and Li Mey Ri (an acrobat). They’re cute together, there’s not really much to say here.

Claire  - there’s a really old novelette floating around on my account and you can find it if you search Claire, but like it’s OLD. An 18th century French lady who contracted TB and died but was brought back by a necromancer named Cecil (Cecil is the character of my friend @sinnabon-cosplay !) and is now immortal. Fun times with Claire and Anthony usually involve lamenting the fact that they’re stuck as teenagers.

Miscellaneous - miscellaneous demon and monster characters like Alexander, Felicity (both vampires), Sparrow (succubus/Heather’s youngest sister), Zephyr (fae, husband of Spar), Lycan (she’s... a werewolf), and so on. Not really connected to a plot

Performing Possumhood - uh this was a play I wrote with my friend @holdingonmyheartlikeahandgrenade for a 24 hour play festival, it’s about a guy named Thomas who becomes herald for a kingdom and then on his first day of work, the king dies, and his son becomes king, except the new king??? is a possum???? and like no one does anything about it, so Thomas just feels like he’s going insane, poor guy (also everyone else is named Thomas except the king, whose name is His Majesty King Parthur Pencildragon of Alpacalot)

Nordic questing team - I’ve literally written nothing for these fools, but I’m tempted to make it into a dnd campaign! The characters I have are Val (short for Valnotte) (she’s a nokke), Hanne (human poison seller who wears an eyepatch just because), Fur (short for Bjorgolfur, he’s a werewolf who left his pack because he was too good at being alpha wolf but he didn’t want to be alpha, he wanted to press flowers and have a cute little cottage by a cliffside with a pretty garden damn it), and Bo (full name: Boscobel Blue, he’s a cow boy. Literally. He has cow ears and a big septum piercing and a tail. Also he’s a shepherd. His sheep are carnivorous :))) Make of that what you will)

Alice x Secret Garden - another play but where Alice Liddell and Mary Lennox are 18 years old and find themselves in Wonderland, after Mary is jaded from the end of WW1 and is frustrated at her friend Dickon’s marriage proposal, and Alice runs away, trying to retain her childhood as best she can

Retellings - I do myth and fairy tale and folk retellings! :) You can search ‘Tithonia’ for my sleeping beauty retelling, and I wrote Orpheus and Eurydice a while back. Still working my way through Icarus :’) Also ‘Mermaids Can’t See’ is a retelling of the classic mermaid story but written as a ??? field guide? journal entry? notes about mermaids?

If there’s a work you want specifically about a character, I always tag characters, and I also will tag character introductions and pictures/references of them as “beanpuff char[]”!

[ginalover]

Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon Revisit Their Lesbian Neo-Noir “Bound”

By Maureen Lee Lenker

Photos By Austin Hargrave for ET

June 06, 2019 

Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly aren’t fans of watching themselves on screen — but they’ll make an exception for their 1996 film, Bound.

The Matrix masterminds the Wachowskis made their directorial debut with this noir about two women — femme fatale Violet (Jennifer Tilly) and ex-con Corky (Gina Gershon) — who fall in love and team up to steal $2 million from Violet’s mobster boyfriend, Caesar (Joe Pantoliano).

Bound only made $3.8 million domestically upon its release, but it quickly became a cult classic in the gay community — long before each of the Wachowskis came out as transgender — and it catapulted the siblings to the highest echelons of directors.

We got Gershon, 57, and Tilly, 60 back together at Bibo Ergo Sum, a swanky bar with all the art deco vibes befitting these two femme fatales. There, the actresses vamped it up for a photo shoot, including recreating the iconic Sophia Loren-Jayne Mansfield shot, and had the time of their lives reminiscing as they rewatched the movie together. The enduring warmth of their friendship and their outrageous, heartfelt memories left us fit to be tied.

In the first scene, Violet and Corky share a sultry glance in an elevator, and a palpable connection is born — in fact, it’s still present today in their offscreen friendship.

Gina Gershon (Corky): My agents didn’t want me to do it. Literally, I was told, “You are ruining your career doing this movie. We will not let you do this movie.” I never get to play the hero and to get the chick. I mean, it’s the typical part that I’ve watched my whole life, and it’s never been a woman. I left my agents over it. Jennifer Tilly (Violet): I wanted my hair to have a violet sheen, so it’s black but if you see it in the correct light, it’s very dark. I got this nail polish. It had just come out, and I went into Chanel and they said, “Oh, we only have one bottle. We’re saving it [for] somebody, but they were supposed to pick it up yesterday. We’re going to sell it to you.” It was called “Vamp.” All my makeup is like shades of violet, like my lipstick is purple-y. Gershon: I was coming right off of Showgirls, and I was so ultra femme in that. [I cut] all my nails and my hair off, and I started boxing. I had been dancing for five months, so I was so floaty and I wanted to be in my body more like a boxer…Marlon Brando, Monty Clift, Robert Mitchum. I went to all those guys. There’s a certain quietness. I wanted to be like all the guys I project [my ideas of heroism and masculinity] on to. Tilly: It was a classic film noir, except instead of the lead being a male, it was Corky. A studio offered the [Wachowskis] a lot more money to make the movie, but they said that they had to make Corky a man. Gershon: As soon as I met Jen, I thought, “Oh my God, all I have to do is watch her.” She was so amusing and so fun. It’s just so easy to watch her, like her butt and her legs. It made my job easy to kind of objectify her. We liked each other as soon as we met. Tilly: Once they got the two of us in the room, I thought, “This is a girl that I can really see being in a relationship with.”                                                      Gershon: You’re the really, truly the only real actress I’ve stayed friends with… 

Rattled by her attraction to Violet, Corky goes to a lesbian bar to try to pick up a date as a distraction. It fails though, and Corky stews at home alone while playing her Jew’s Harp.

Tilly: This scene here it was all [advisor and feminist sex writer] Susie Bright’s friends. That’s why the bar scene is so authentic — it’s all lesbians. Gershon: Susie Bright, she was supposed to take me around. The Wachowskis thought it was important that I meet her. She was an authority figure, and [a writer] in the lesbian community. I was really excited to talk to her. Tilly: I never met her. She was pretty much advising Gina. And the thing is, Gina’s character is a lot more hardcore lesbian than Violet. Gershon: We [Gershon and Bright] were going to go cruising around San Francisco. When I got there she couldn’t do it, so she pointed me in the right direction to go to certain bars [on my own]. I just went out and felt the vibe and met people. I actually had a really fun night [Laughs]. I’m definitely not talking about what happened. Just that I felt a lot more confident by the time I got back to L.A. Tilly: She’d come in and she’d be like, “Uh, you know, we need to come up with a new pick-up line. I tried that pick-up line on some chick last night, it didn’t work.” Gershon: I just thought I’d be inspired. I certainly was inspired with tattoos and stuff. I ended up choosing my own tattoos and where I wanted them and all that stuff. Tilly: Somebody said, “Oh, you know, females don’t have any sex organs.” [Susie] goes, “Yes we do; it’s called a hand.” So they did do a lot of shots of hands. Gershon: I really liked the hip [tattoo] that wrapped around my hip and crept up. You saw the top of it coming out of my pants sometimes. I thought that was really sexy. I had seen that on some girl at a bar, and I was like, “Oh that’s hot.” Tilly: That’s also her Jew’s Harp.                                                            Gershon: I’m always trying to get my Jew’s Harp in anything! It was the only movie I’ve ever actually had it in there…I needed something in my hands, and I liked the idea of when she’s thinking about the plan, to have something in my hand.

Violet asks Corky, who is at the apartment complex doing plumbing work, to help her fetch an earring she dropped down the sink. It turns out to be a seduction ploy and the two share a steamy first kiss.

Gershon: I’m doing the pipes. I was a little paranoid. I’m definitely not good at any of that stuff, so I just needed to be convincing…I kind of got into it. It’s so dirty and messy, and you’re shoving this thing in the plug. It was fun. I just wanted to look cool, like I knew what I was doing. I liked all the physical activity. It just made me feel like I was doing all the things that I wish I knew in real life. I remember my mom said, “You’re a really good actress.” I asked, “Why?” She said, “Because I believed the plumbing stuff.” Tilly: Look at this, we’re like equals. You know I’m full of s–t; I know that you know I’m full of s–t. We both know what you’re here for. Gershon: Look at your body. Honestly, whenever I wasn’t sure of what I was doing I would just stare at your chest. Tilly: Method actor. [Laughs] The Wachowskis wanted [an] extreme close-up of our lips. We finished shooting the scene, and the Wachowskis had to get a special camera that cost an extra $10,000. The dailies were coming in looking so good, [producer Dino De Laurentiis] finally got [it for them]. So, we went back and shot that — just a close up on our lips. We were a little nervous. I remember Gina was like, “The camera’s going to look up my nose!” But it’s such a beautiful shot. Gershon: I’m so comfortable feeling your boobs. Tilly: This scene where I take her finger — I just thought, “Oh, [I’ll] put it in my mouth!” I improvised that. She’s like, “Oh, where’s this finger going? Oh, it’s not going south, it’s going north. Ok, now it’s going south.” 

Later that night, Violet comes to Corky’s truck to apologize for all the things she “didn’t do” to Corky that afternoon, and they kiss again.

Gershon: “I hate women who apologize for sex” — That’s a truthful line. I do hate women who apologize for sex. Why should they be like, “Oh my God, I’m sorry I really like this.” I thought it was a very smart line, because it was truthful, you know? Tilly: [Of all our romantic scenes together, we filmed this kissing scene first.] I had never kissed a girl before, onscreen or off. And I was a little bit nervous. Gershon: I brought her tequila and chocolate before our first scene that we were fooling around. Tilly: I was in my trailer like “an actress prepares,” and I hear, “Knock-knock, I got tequila and chocolate.” Gershon: I said, “Here’s your preparation.” Tilly: We actually had to reshoot that scene, but they said, “Not because you girls were drinking.” There was a problem with the camera work.

They go back to Corky’s apartment and have sex.

Tilly: A lot of times, as a young actress in Hollywood, you read the love scene, and it seems like the writer is just getting himself off. Like writing three pages of porn. When you’re reading this, it was very matter of fact. Gershon: [The Wachowskis] knew every angle, every cut. They came from doing graphic novels so they really had it in their heads. Tilly: They didn’t want it to be a man’s version. There’s a male version of what lesbians are, and you see it in the soft-core porn movies all the time. They really wanted to get it right. They wanted to be very respectful of the lesbian community. They wanted it to be very, very authentic and raw, not pornographic. Although it was pornographic because we’re hot. [Laughs] Gershon: It was like the four of us having sex. It was like: “Foot! Wall! Head!” It was so choreographed. The camera [is] moving around, and you have one wall go up, another wall went down. Tilly: They wanted to do it in one long continuous shot. They had guys pulling at the walls. It was like a ballet between the Wachowskis, the crew, [and us]. [They’d be] yelling through the megaphone, “Breast!” and then we knew the breast was in frame. Gershon: I knew I had to curl [my toes] on cue. I think it could have been a little bit more connected to an orgasm or to a sexual feeling. I felt it was more a mechanical thing. [But] it was very fluid. No pun intended. Tilly: Gina is like the coolest person to ever do a love scene with. She was playful. I would be like, “Can you put your hand here so my cellulite doesn’t show? Can you prop my breast to make it look a little more plump?” Gershon: In between takes, we’d talk about shoe [shopping], and we were laughing so hard. Tilly: Gina had weights on the set, so before a scene she would work out [with] weights to make her muscles [bigger]. Gershon: Every guy actor I’ve ever seen on set does pushups and stuff if he doesn’t have his shirt on. I was like, “Oh this is what the dudes do, so this is what I’m going to do,” because it kind of pumps your arms up. It’s all very macho too. You know Corky had a lot of armor on, she was very protective of herself. The more I could feel that, the better I felt as Corky. Tilly: We had a lot of problems. We almost got a NC-17. Gershon: There was one take that all four of us were like, “That’s the one.” It was like a real love scene. You didn’t see a boob. You didn’t see anything; it was all suggested. It really played on our face more than anything. Tilly: You can see my fingers on her crotch. You see nothing; you see a hand! Gershon: It was the emotionality. Tilly: [The rating board] said, “It looks like they’re really doing it.” And the [Wachowskis] go, “Let me get this straight. If the girls weren’t such good actresses, you wouldn’t have a problem?” They were embarrassed, and they said, “Yes.” Gershon: God forbid we have these two women actually in love. We had to go with the “f—ing” scene. In the “f—ing” scene, they were really going at it, and it wasn’t as emotional. They were okay with that, which is bulls–t. Tilly: The Wachowskis said, “It’s homophobia, pure and simple.” The shot that we used was so much more elegant. This one’s a lot more graphic. They sprayed more sweat on us. In the last part of the scene, my boob accidentally fell into frame, like, “I want to be on camera too!”

After making a connection, Violet floats the idea of stealing $2 million from her mobster boyfriend Caesar (Joe Pantoliano), which he has left drying all over the apartment after a job gone wrong doused the money in blood. The scene cuts between Violet and Corky as they plot and the action of their plan unfolding in real time.

Tilly: There was a scene where Corky’s putting in all her little burglar tools [in her ears], and they intercut it with me putting on my lipstick and my mascara. The Wachowskis said, “Those are your tools. Those are Violet’s tools and [those are] Corky’s tools. This is how Corky gets by, by stealing, and this is how Violet gets by, by painting her face.”…Afterwards, they sold all the stuff. You go over to Joey’s house, and it’s like the set. He even bought the wallpaper and put it in the hallways.

Violet convinces Caesar that fellow mobster Johnnie (Christopher Meloni) stole the $2 million, leading to a sudden bloodbath in their apartment, as he kills both Johnnie and mob boss Gino (Richard C. Sarafian).

Tilly: There was also another shot that they wanted — when the head of the mafia gets shot, they said they wanted him to fall like a mighty oak in the forest. The stunt person said, “Nobody can fall that way, it’s too dangerous.” They had to get another $20,000 dollars from Dino De Laurentiis. They created this machine that was like a lever. So, they put him on the machine and then the lever went backward so when he falls, he falls straight back…Christopher Meloni and everyone, they’re shooting [the place] up, the [Wachowskis] wanted me to duck behind the bar. And I thought, “Oh, here’s where she can show ice water doesn’t run in [her] veins.” So I was going to do a thing like, “Oh she’s remembering when she was three and her mother shot her dad.” I thought This is a really good time for me to lose it. Like, “Oh my God, oh my God!” And they peak behind the bar, and they go, “What the f–k? Jennifer, what are you doing?” And I’m like, “Oh, I feel like I should be very upset here!” And they go, “No. Everything’s going according to plan. You planned it. You’re waiting for it to be over so you can move on to the next step of your plan.”

After Caesar murders his associates, including a mob boss, he realizes Violet has two-timed him and finds Corky next door. They fight; he ties Corky up and dumps her in the closet. But eventually, in the most metaphorical shot, she busts out, and the trio face-off in a final showdown, which Violet ends by shooting Caesar in cold blood.

Tilly: You’ve got to really adore your costar and have a good relationship and a trusting relationship because it’s a really violent scene…[Gina] sprained her wrist or finger or something like that. But you got to go for broke. You can’t be precious, you know? You’re doing fight scenes. You kind of have to go for it. Gershon: I definitely got whacked, and it hurt, but it was an annoying thing because I was just like, “I just need some ice.” But then there’s all this brouhaha on the set with insurance. They’re like, “Oh no, you have to go check it at the hospital.” I didn’t want to leave the set. It definitely hurt, but it would have been fine with ice. I didn’t need stitches or anything. I guess they needed to check that I didn’t break anything, which I didn’t. I just felt really guilty having to leave the set, and I was like, “We don’t have time for me to leave the set right now.” You’re bound to get a little bruised here and there. Not a big deal. Tilly: Oh! She explodes out of the closet! Gershon: I kick out the closet door. It was symbolic for so many women. The whole idea of coming out of the closet. It was very satisfying and very heartwarming. Many girls have come up and said that it helped them come out. It helped change their lives, and that’s really meaningful. Tilly: [The moment where I kill Caesar], they were saying like, “This is a Terminator, ‘I’ll be back’ moment.” Caesar goes, “You don’t want to hurt me. I know you don’t.” And she goes, “Caesar, you don’t know s–t.” They consciously put that in to be like an “I’ll be back” moment and they said, “That’s the Terminator moment when she says that.” It’s also really interesting in terms of some of the underlying themes that men think they know what women want.

Violet and Corky’s plot succeeds, and they ride off into the sunset together in the brand new red truck Corky bought with their money. All to the tune of Tom Jones’ “She’s a Lady.”

Tilly: That was my dress. Those are my earrings. That’s my watch. I wore pretty much all my own clothes…After the movie, I gave some of the clothes to my sister. The dress, in the last scene, she shows up wearing it [one time] and I’m like, “You know how many lesbians would love to get their hands on that dress. That’s an artifact! It should be in a museum!” She’s like, “It’s my favorite dress!” Gershon: I love the end. I get the chick. I get a car. I get the money. You know what I mean? I was like a real hero. It’s not often, especially at that point, that the women get to be heroes. Those are always the guy’s part. I was just psyched. I’m like, “Hey, I got my girl. I’ve got a new car. We’re gonna go off into the sunset.” It was very satisfying. Tilly: When Gina goes, “Beep-beep” [and we see her new car]. In the audience, everyone laughs. I’m like, “Why is everyone laughing?” And they’re like, “That’s what every guy does when they get some money; they buy a red truck.” Gershon: I was pushing Sinatra, “The Best Is Yet to Come”. I was hearing that in my head, and I think they were toying with that, but then this is what they went with which was great. I mean you can’t go wrong with Tom Jones. Tilly: We had to reshoot the last scene too because, when they were driving away, you could see palm trees reflected in the windshield. Gershon: We always joked about what happens with the sequel. I think they had to split up when the mob was on them, and Violet ends up with some other rich guy at some point. Corky had to leave in order to protect Violet. They struggle, but I think they always come through, you know? Tilly: Everyone’s positive that they’re so in love, and they’re going to live happily ever after, but I really think in Violet’s nature, she’s a predator. I do not think it’s going to end well. Violet’s in love with Corky, but she’s very damaged and I just don’t think it’s going to be like one of those, “50 years ago, we met cute,” you know? Gershon: I’m really proud of this movie, probably more than any other film I’ve done. These women are sexy and they’re smart. They outsmart the bad guys. And they’re funny and witty. They were into each other; they didn’t need a man to help them. That was all a combination no one had really seen before. These parts weren’t around a lot. Tilly: I did have so many girls come up to me — and so many drag queens saying their drag name was Violet. It really made me feel, in a weird way, like I had a responsibility when all these girls would come up to me and say that they came out of the closet and realized they were gay after they saw this film. Gershon: [When we were making it], I kept thinking, “What do you guys, [the Wachowskis] know about being women? How did you write this thing?” And little did I know, at the time, they were really feeling something. They really were feeling bound up inside. So, it became that the metaphor had a deeper meaning. It wasn’t like, “Oh, aren’t they clever writers.” I thought, “Wow, they were going through this, and the world didn’t know.”

Celebrate 50 years of gay pride with Entertainment Weekly’s special LGBTQ double issue, on stands Friday. You can buy all six covers now, or purchase your individual favorites featuring Anderson Cooper, Wilson Cruz, Melissa Etheridge, Neil Patrick Harris, Janet Mock, and Ruby Rose. 

[lunarity2013]

🥀 ❓☀️ o-o

(NOTE: THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME TRYING TO POST THIS, PLEASE DEAR GOD LET THIS WORK THIS TIME! At least I had all this stuff copied into a note app to post easier just in case this happened)

Real quick, @taurrigan - THANK YOU for being so patient! Hopefully this one works!

So for reference, my HPHM oc is named Lucy Stone (that’s her in my icon, but I use my actual name in the game bc it’s just easier for me). I’m also going to use my main D&D character, a lesbian half-elf Rogue 8/Bard 1 named Naeris.

🥀 Has your OC ever been hurt by someone they love? Ever been betrayed? Abused? Attacked? Give me the angst! (if you’d like, write a short drabble about it!)

LUCY — After everything that happens trying to find her brother (Nathan, not Jacob bc I’m so original and decided this literally just now), Lucy feels extremely let down and betrayed by her only brother. She didn’t ever actually think she’d find him in the vaults, really only searching to gain some sort of closure for herself and their muggle parents. Finding him, however, and seeing how consumed he was by this pursuit really just broke her heart. It was like she truly did lose her brother after all. 

NAERIS — Naeris grew up with her human mother, with very little money to support them both, so she’s always felt abandoned by her elven father and his family. After her mother passed away and she was forced to move to the Feywild with him, she was still very resentful of his lack of presence in her childhood. On top of that, when she finally left to return to the material plane, only to find the busted remains of the village she once called home after apparently 60+ years had passed, she had never felt more alone than in that moment. Even now, she still can’t find where her mother was once buried, even the headstone turned to dust.

❓ A random fact or short drabble! Or make up your own question to ask the OC!

LUCY — (a drabble, for you. Also, please check out the ficlet @hogwartsmysterystory wrote for me a while back — it really helped me get inspired to write this!)

As “riveting” as the history of magic should have been, Lucy found that Binns’ monotone droning took much of the “magic”, as it were, out of what should have been her favorite subject in this school. Really, a whole history of magical learning and events, and all they did was read out of a textbook while their transparent professor bored them near to death as he clearly once did to himself many years before.

So it wasn’t any wonder, really, that she often spent this hour gazing dreamily out the window, thoughts drifting from one daydream to the next. Today was one of those days, brown eyes staring vacantly through large-framed glasses and out to the thick raindrops splattering the window outside. And it wouldn’t have surprised her friends to know what she often saw in these sleepless dreams of hers.

Gone were the days of endless worrying of Nathan and his disappearance from her life. He still came up, of course, but now more seemed more the image of a long-dead relative or yet-unsolved mystery than as pressing a concern as he was in her first year at Hogwarts. No, these days, a different face occupied her deepest thoughts and desires, once with the kindest eyes and a smile, one reserved just for her.

She wondered if he was taking her advice to heart, now; his concerns and her suggestions at his learning difficulties may not have saved him from their last test, but they, combined with constant care and practice, may just be his saving grace come finals. And if they managed to inform their professors, and get all their friends to help out, maybe Barnaby could show everyone who had ever doubted him just what he was capable of.

Lucy had always known he was smarter than people gave him credit for. Since she first met him, confused and vaguely threatening in the potions classroom years ago, she knew there was more to the Slytherin than met the eye. And as she watched the skies clear and the sun begin to peak out, she knew that she would do whatever it took to help everyone else know it, too.

NAERIS — (a question, provided by my sister for you) — What’s the dumbest thing your OC has ever done?

The dumbest thing Naeris ever did was, in our old campaign after multi-classing as a bard, she began using prestidigitation to prank her party members, specifically the halfling ranger (Phae) and half-orc barbarian (Oz).

Specifically, this one incident had Naeris hiding under Oz’s bed in an inn, and making loud sounds outside the door with the cantrip. This caused Oz to storm out into the Hall to figure out wtf happened, and with one failed stealth save, he found her and broke open a window to toss her out into the snow, 2 stories down. She was fine, but I couldn’t breath, and my best friend’s character (tiefling warlock Nerium, Naeris’ girlfriend) almost dumped her ass for her stupidity.

☀️ What makes your OC genuinely happy? A person, an item, their hobby? Where is the place they’re happiest, or most at home? What is the happiest they’ve ever been?

LUCY — The happiest Lucy has been in a while was at the Celestial Ball. No responsibilities, no cursed vaults, and no losing house points. Just her friends and getting to go on her first (unofficial) date with Barnaby — they both were so bad pining after each other after it that even Charlie was almost willing to swear off dragons if it got them to just shut up and kiss already… Almost…

Beyond that, she loves to read in the quiet of the Hufflepuff common room (her favorite spot at Hogwarts — if she could bake, it would be the kitchens, which is currently favorite spot number 2). She still remembers some of the music and dance lessons she took as a child, but almost never uses them outside of the ball and frog choir. She’d like to play quidditch, but feels she already has too much on her plate, and is content to cheer on her friends when they play (especially Barnaby, who makes one hell of a beater lol).

NAERIS — Naeris feels most at home in the comfort of her own room, in the place her party has built in Phandalin. She hasn’t had a place to really call her own since her mother died, and even then she shared one room with her mom, so having a room just for her plus extra space for poison-making, archery practice, and learning new spells and instruments is a real luxury to her.

As for favorite people, she’s still getting used to Phae and Oz. She likes them, and trusts them, but their combined antics are a force to be reckoned with, and she often has to play tough parent-fun parent with Nerium to get them to keep from drinking too much or running headfirst into the fray. But sometimes she gets to be a bit of a good herself, just like she always tried to cheer her mother up when she was I’ll, and seeing her newfound family smile (even at her own expense) was always worth it.

Plus, Nerium is a gorgeous tiefling babe with scary Raven Queen magic who not only willingly puts up with her less-than-ideal quirks, but chooses to love her in return. That’s always hella dope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, I hope y'all enjoyed! If anyone has any more questions, or would just like to know more about my OCs/D&D characters, feel free to send me an ask in my box! I’m happy to answer your questions! 😊

(If y'all want a list of all my OCs and what fandoms, let me know, and I’ll post one for y'all)

(EDIT: fixed an inconsistency with Lucy's skills, as surprise! She actually can't bake worth a shit, and is only marginally better at actual cooking, so she just sneaks into the kitchens for snacks).

[endobiologist]

What Being Trans Is Like; A Guide For Allies

Hello, let me introduce myself. My name is Atom Yorke. I am a 16-year-old transgender and pansexual man, and you should probably get some popcorn ready because I've got a lot to say.

I'll split this up into categories so you can go page by page.

DEFINITION Now to begin this, if you're not sure what transgender means, transgender people are people whose brain does not match their body in gender. For example, I am a man. However I was born in a body most would call "female". I am a transgender man. This may be a radically new concept for some of you, but the truth is that we've been around since the dawn of humanity. Our history has been heavily modified and erased. In fact, any history that's not white, christian, heterosexual & cisgender has been shoved down to the darkest confines of information, where people have to look to find it. The truth is even ancient cultures have records of trans people, of nonbinary people, and of other LGBTQ concepts. This was one of the things they most heavily tried to erase during the ruthless colonization of Christianity.

You may be surprised to learn that yes, you yourself have met a trans person! Chances are you've met a lot of them, actually.

The reason why we're never seen is because until a little ways back, we would be imprisoned, killed or worse just for being out.   Now that we finally have a voice, we're speaking loud. But still, some trans people do not wish to be that way, and they will stay quiet their whole lives and blend in with the rest of society. Because of many people living in hiding, surveys are skewed and we have no real way to quantify just how many transgender people there are in the world. But there are a lot. And we matter, just like you.

MISCONCEPTIONS First off, there are a LOT, and I mean A LOT of misconceptions about transgender people. And it's not an accident. The lack of information and the stereotypes that have been given have been due to not only ignorance, but intentional covering up of the truth of who we are, and blatant propaganda against us. Many people think trans people are "out to get them" like they're some kind of "cross-dressing predators looking to peep in on the other gender". I can assure you, we are nothing of the sort. This falsehood would be laughable, if it didn't hurt so many people. Nearly 60% of trans people in America are outright TERRIFIED to go to the bathroom, (or go anywhere, really) due to them being harassed, assaulted, and worse inside. We are the ones being attacked in bathrooms, not you. We are the ones being attacked out in the streets, not you. We are not predators, we are quite literally the prey for the real predators. And this has to change. And the way it changes is through spread of information, and actual facts.

A trans woman is a woman. She is not a "man in a dress". A trans man is a man. He is not a "woman in disguise". A trans person is a person. They are not "confused".

There have been multiple scientific studies done on transgender people's brains, and they have revealed, every time, that your brain will match your gender, even if your genitalia does not. The reason for this is due to how you develop in the womb. In utero, the brains form one way, and the genitalia develops another way. Most of the time they match, creating what is known as a cisgender person, aka a person who is not trans.   Occasionally, the brain will develop in one gender and the sexual organs will develop in a different way due to an influx of different hormones during pregnancy, causing a trans person to be born.

To restate that; A trans person's brain matches their gender, not their genitalia. It has been scientifically proven. To argue that trans people "do not exist", are "confused", are "pretending" or anything else of the sort is foolish, and a rejection of science and reason altogether.

TERMINOLOGY Also, before you say "Well, if they existed forever, where are all these new terms coming from and why are we only now seeing trans people?" The reason being is you have seen trans people. You haven't seen these words because they are helpful labels we have only created recently for concepts that are ancient. The reason for all this new influx in trans activity is due to the internet and the spread of its information, which causes so many people to feel much safer and begin to come out. Now, let's take a look at the vocabulary of trans people, so you have an easier time understanding the lingo!

LGBTQ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer. Refers to the community. FTM - Female to Male. A trans man. MTF - Male to Female. A trans woman. T - Testosterone E - Estrogen HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy. The medical procedure of hormone replacement to look more like your actual gender. Binder - A form of undergarment that is like a very tight sports bra that binds the chest of trans men & sometimes nonbinary people so they can appear flat-chested. Packer - A fake penis (or sometimes a rolled up sock, etc.) used to make trans men look like they have a bulge. Tucking - A technique trans women use to make them look like they have no bulge. Top surgery - Surgery on your chest to correct it to your gender. Bottom surgery - Surgery on your genitalia to correct them to your gender. Coming out of the closet - Telling the world and everyone openly that you are LGBTQ, or in this case transgender. Stealth - A term referring to trans people who go completely "undercover", and keep the fact that they're trans hidden so they can just enjoy a normal life. Gender dysphoria - A feeling of heartwrenching, guttwisting wrongness in a trans person's soul when someone calls them by the gender they are not, or sometimes when reminded of their body. Gender euphoria - A feeling of either complete contentedness, or giddy joyful excitement when their gender is affirmed.

HOW IT FEELS; A WATERED DOWN VERSION Now that we got all that out of the way, I wrote a short summary of what it feels like to be trans, from my perspective.

Imagine you're in the womb. It's a clean slate, nothing but peace. Then from the moment you're born, you're immediately categorized by your sexual organs and colour-coded. "It's a girl!" They say. They wrap you in a pink blanket. Your whole life you're told to be a girl, and so that's what you are. It was the first thing someone decided that you are. But the whole time you live in this fake life you feel... empty. Every time you use the girl's bathroom, there's a gnawing part of you that says you shouldn't be there. When kids around you are playing on a bouncy slide, playing a game of boys vs. girls, you always feel like you belong on the other side, for some nagging reason. Your grandmother keeps buying you skirts, bras, dresses, because you ask for them. You think that's what it takes for you to feel normal. You never wear them. "Maybe I'm not girly enough." So you try to be even more of what you are not. And every time, you feel this pit, this twisting gnawing void that aches and only aches more as you grow older. You don't know what it is. It gets worse every time someone says the word "She". "Girl." "Have a nice day, ladies." You tear through your room, looking for anything that doesn't look like the dresses your grandmother buys you. You cry and cry like you've never cried before, and you don't know why you're crying. What is it that's wrong with me? And after a while you decide you want your hair cut. Maybe that's what it is. Then you think, "Maybe it's because I eat a lot. Girls are supposed to be self-conscious of their weight, right?" So you blame your weight. Until you realize that's not the issue at all. Because one day you wake up. It hits you. And you put the pieces together. I'm not what they forced me to be all my life. There was a reason I was always uncomfortable. I'm not a girl... That was an option? That was even an option? I'm not forced to stay in this cell? There's actually NOT something wrong with me?

All I felt was profound relief at first, but soon enough the relief turned to paralyzing fear. This was the beginning, and also the end of my life, and I was only thirteen. But some people don't find out until they're adults, sometimes even until they're in their old age. It doesn't make anyone any less who they are. But man, does it uproot your whole life to fix things. If you realize at a young age it's easier because then you don't have as much paperwork to deal with, but you still no matter what have to deal with it, and people make it as hard as they possibly can for you, because of petty ignorance. I've had multiple cases of people straight-up refusing to give me my legal documents back (such as my insurance card which I need for my literally life-saving medication) because of ignorance or malicious transphobia. I had to actually argue with people to put my insurance card through, something that was common sense, that I had all the legal documentation for, that could be typed in at the push of a button, and costs nothing for them. But they had "never came across this situation before" so they argued with me for a good while about doing it until they finally gave in.

I've had cases of family members, family friends turning on me and calling me "tranny", a "confused girl", I've been told that there was "no masculinity in my eyes" when they looked at me. I was yelled at, screamed at in front of family and friends that I would never be a man. I've been insulted in front of people, I've been ridiculed and humiliated. But I will stand tall. You know why? Because it is A MILLION times better dealing with all this than dealing with not being who I truly am. I'm myself, and if anyone's got a problem with that, they can take it up with me.

The sad truth is, if you're trans, you unfortunately are going to experience horrible, horrible things like this. It's an inescapable reality. But that does not mean it's without hope. Every person can be educated, even if it may not seem so at first. Don't give up hope, because there is so much more beauty than you're seeing right now, and wouldn't you like to get to see it?

If you're an ally, you're here to make sure this feeling they have happens less. So, here is how to treat a trans person, written from the perspective of a trans person.

HOW TO HELP TRANSGENDER PEOPLE (from the perspective of a trans person)

1. Treat them with basic human respect. Aka refer to them how they want to be referred, you know, by their ACTUAL name and pronouns, not the ones you're clinging to desperately. You may think "What's the big deal?" about being misgendered, because as a cis person you've never been forced to live in a body that's not your own. You have ZERO frame of reference for how a trans person feels, or experiences their life, and so the very least you could do, even if you may not understand, is treat them with basic human decency. It literally costs you nothing to just be a civil human being.

2. Ask questions! (to a point. Don't be creepy or disrespectful.) If you are concerned you are not treating a trans person completely right due to not knowing, or you have something you're curious about, or you just don't understand us at all--ask! Please ask! We love it when you consider our needs, it makes us feel more appreciated. And asking questions opens important communication pathways, that lead to higher understanding, empathy, and acceptance of each other, which can only lead to higher growth for everyone involved. However, if you start getting really nosy about it by asking us weird questions when you barely know us like "Have you had the surgery yet? What do your genitalia look like?" Or the much dreaded "What's your original name?" Then you know you've gone too far. I mean, come on, you wouldn't ask a regular person that question, so why would you ask us?!

3. Speak up for them when they have no voice. This is probably by far the most huge thing you can do for a transgender person. A minor example; If they're in a very uncomfortable situation, like say for example they are getting misgendered by the cashier over and over at the grocery store and you can see they're too nervous to correct them, or even if they have corrected them themselves multiple times but the person will not give them that basic respect, the best thing you can do in that moment is step in and correct them for them.  I've had someone do it for me, and it makes me feel euphoric that someone actually stood up for me. Just back us up when we need back up, cause we very rarely have that support. A lot of trans people have no support whatsoever. Any support you can show a transgender person will help them exponentially more than you know. Some allies will post LGBTQ positive things on their social media pages, meanwhile some others take this to extremes by becoming huge supporters of LGBTQ communities, and standing up and giving a voice everywhere for them through words, art, many different forms of media, pride parades & riots.

4. Physical Support If you are very close to a trans person yourself, such as one of your children, your spouse, etc. or even if you just want to go above and beyond by supporting trans people everywhere, giving a roof over their heads, a warm meal, and some kind words would change people's lives. Consider donating to a charity (a charity you research before donating into, a lot of them are fake and will collect the money) that goes towards help for transgender people, or LGBTQ people in general! We really need it, especially in the days of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named as our president.

5. Don't out them if they're not ready! This goes for all LGBTQ people, but please, if someone is closeted due to safety reasons or even just because they're not ready, do not under any circumstance out them for who they are. This could potentially throw them into massive danger, or it could just throw a massive wrench into their lives in some way. Please ask first.

6. Give positive, gender-affirming actions toward them! I absolutely LOVE IT when people do this. I have a friend who not only does bro-fistbumps with me, the two-pat hug thing, highfives me, but also always uses gender-affirming language such as calling me "man", "dude", "bro", etc. and it just always makes me feel so good to be around him! It creates a pleasant, safe space for us to be ourselves when you treat us for who we are, and it honestly makes us more happy than you know. So next time you see a really fabulous trans woman, tell her she looks lovely and classy today! When you see a trans man on top of his game, mention that he's handsome. And mention the things you know they feel insecure about in a positive way! It gives us majour gender euphoria. I know I've always been so ashamed of my round baby face due to it being the main reason I don't pass, but my friends on a call once had started all ooh-ing and ah-ing about how nice my cheekbones and jawline were and all that day I was ecstatic! A simple compliment that you might not even remember giving could change someone's life. And that goes for all people, not just trans people.

Now, you might have heard a lot of negative things that happened to me because of my being transgender, but I'm here to tell you there is so much hope. Cut forward to 2019. I've been out and proud for three years, and by God, I am so, SO SO much happier than I was. I am proud to say I was lucky, I have an amazing support system in my mom, dad, siblings & grandmother that have helped me so much through this. I'm about to start T soon, and I am so unbelievably excited. The person who had yelled at me in front of family members? They are now supportive, and make an effort around me. The person who called me a tranny? They apologized profusely and learnt from that experience.

So to fellow trans people out there--Things do get better. And they get better soon. You just have to hold out for a little while longer.

And for the allies who want to do better by trans and LGBTQ people everywhere, thank you. Thank you for showing your support, and thank you for your willingness to learn about those different from you. That shows extreme emotional maturity. On behalf of all LGBTQ people, thank you.

- Atom T. L. Yorke

Atom T. L. Yorke is a visual artist, cosplayer, writer, musician, and comedian that has also dedicated his life to helping LGBTQ people in need, especially the transgender community.