#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bunnyboy-juice · 2 months ago

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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr #me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel #and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need #space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time #but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single #Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was #much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh #i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups #and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that #definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him #its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh #cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did #like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess #guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here #and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno #we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff #that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting #i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it #i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu #anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu #publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago #n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus #being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the #stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)

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