#... such a axtremely brave and big thing. i want to desperately be proud of myself. i should be. but i cant.
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#as you might be able to tell by my activities (like 10x itll be okay trans post) big trans things have happened yippee#officially announced my chosen name + pronouns to my high school friends and stuff and it was. good.#and i want to be happy about it! i know theyll all try their best and stuff but.#ig having officially come out wasnt. something i expected to feel an aftermath to.#in this moment and ever since i left the meetup last night it. doesnt feel like relief.#its currently just filling me with more anxiety and scaredyness and it sucks that i have to go through this about something that is...#... such a axtremely brave and big thing. i want to desperately be proud of myself. i should be. but i cant.#and what sucks more than that is that. i cant pin down why i feel so shitty about it.#sillyposting#ig part of it is just regular old anxiety and repeating THE conversation in my head again and again that recreates it#theres also some underlying fucking 'ohohhh what do they think of me now???' despite. me knowing they fullheartedly accept it.#it sucks#i dont want being trans to be hard. i hate that even when no bad things happen im haunted by it.#i just dont want to deal with all of this. it sucks balls.#im happy to be trans. i think i would take being trans over cis any day. i truly believe every person would be better if they were trans.#i just wish i could experience it without pain. i wish any trans person could. i wish things were easier.#whatever. ive done it now. i am glad i finally managed. i am. i am proud.
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