#dissociation anon

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi! Dissociation anon here, with a lil positive update after quite the few months:D How have you been? I hope you are doing well:>

So, I officially spend like 90% of my time 3,5 hours away from my abusers and their dysfunction while I get that education!! Med school is all nine circles of hell, btw, but in the times in which I am not sleep deprived beyond belief after having to prepare for three big tests and write five projects in three days, I am enjoying myself quite a bit! Also formaldehyde stinks like a bitch and cadavers look much grayer than you might think, but that's besides the point.

Honestly the first few months after leaving were HARD, but then again, I am the idiot who decided to unpack their own trauma without a professional therapist and with a tiny support system as soon as I could. Though to be honest, as grueling as the trauma work was, it definitely was worth it, as now, seven months in, I have much less prominent issues and am generally a thousand percent mentally healthier than I used to be. Still dissociate occasionally, though, because I guess some things never change lmao

But I've made quite a few new friends in med school and honestly that helps a lot to deal with any bad days that come with traumatic memories resurfacing, so that's neat!)

Bad thing is - the drama in the dysfunctional family system has gotten a lot worse since I left. Good thing - due to my physical absence I don't need to deal with it:D It's because of the economic crisis the country is in, you know, but I needn't worry!! There is never enough doctors, so even the newbies get snatched as early as possible (I kid you not, I literally had a "You wanna work for us when you finish med school?" Offer when I went to a clinic for a routine check up two weeks ago, and I have five more years of studying left) So, despite the general nation-wide spread of gloom, personally I'm feeling pretty good about the future, and that's definitely a first!

So like, let this be testament to anyone out there struggling to the fact that getting out of an abusive situation is completely possible, and life, in fact, can get better! So like, good luck to all of the other anons and good luck to you, as well!:D

Hi again!!!! It's so nice to hear from you, and I'm so so happy things are going well in med school! I have an irl friend who's also studying medicine in uni, so I have some idea of how nightmarish that can be 😅 I'm really glad you're enjoying yourself in between all of it despite the stress!

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must be to unpack your trauma without professional support! The first months after I left my mother were also horrible even with help, but luckily everything started changing for the better soon afterwards. I'm so glad you're doing so much better now, and I hope things keep changing for the better for you! It's so so great to hear you've made friends and don't have to deal with your family drama anymore and the future is looking good 😊

I second this message: life can absolutely be better after abuse, even if you can't bring yourself to believe or envision that right now.

Also, thanks for asking! I'm doing well, just now recovering from Covid and trying to get back on my feet, but other than that things are looking better for me too ❤️ sending a big virtual hug!

[ky-landfill]

Tim with the 🧿🧿 and Jason with the 🟢🟢

I just wanna comment this because its so funny when you draw Tim like a cryptid your art is so amazing

[sir-anon-acc]

Hey! If you are anti-endo or pro-endo, please keep reading!

We are traumagenic, and have only recently started learning about endogenic systems. I am aware of the fact that an endogenic system is one that forms without trauma, but I am entirely confused about it in every other aspect.

I have searched quite a bit, but I'm struggling to find any unbiased information whatsoever. I am aware that DID/OSDD are not the only type of disassociative or identity disorders, so I am attempting to be open-minded here, but I just don't have enough information to morally form an opinion.

I'm hoping that by crosstagging just a little and stating my stance that I can get both sides of the argument in the replies. Please, if you are anti-endo and have reason and resources, or you are pro-endo/an endogenic system and have reason and resources, please reply to this in some way. Please don't come for me in any way, I'm simply trying to educate myself on the matter. Until we have further information, I will remain endo-neutral, and I will do my best to keep an entirely open mind. :)

[starshiver]

I don’t think people understand privacy with systems, especially around headmates that are minors.

I find it so infuriating when people dig for everyone in our system, especially when they question about the littles, because no, we won’t share that with a random stranger online.

Think about how people dislike family vloggers and generally encourage people to not show their kid’s faces and names online. Same concept, but the kid was also previously horribly traumatized.

With our system we don’t share any headmates that aren’t adults online unless they are both teenagers or older and also are anonymous. It’s about being a responsible adult and keeping children safe, especially with online spaces being the way that they are.

Different systems share different amounts about their littles and headmates who are minors, and that is their decision and their business! Respect that as well.

Systems deserve respect in what they share about their younger headmates with the world, and I am so tired of getting poked at to publicly share these things. We are allowed to have our privacy. Nobody is entitled to your or others personal information, no matter what.

[dykedvonte]

Why do you think did Curly let Jimmy go before the crash? I've seen the theory Curly briefly thought about crashing too but didn't expect Jimmy to go through with it

I generally believe it was shock and a bit of denial.

It’s the sort of thing where Curly knew Jimmy enough to know he blows up at things but he never would’ve expected him to go through with something so crazy. He gives Jimmy way too much benefit. It’s just his nature and the dynamics he has with Jimmy. They have a stable relationship as friends but it’s stabilized by the unhealthy toxic aspects that keep him in it. He’s like this with Anya, taking the gun is something he really shouldn’t have kept off the record, so is Swansea’s feigned hostility toward Daisuke. He doesn’t want to get people in trouble and doesn’t want to believe anyone would cause trouble other than to themselves. He’s a very lenient man.

I think the words were hollow in his head. Said but not really meant like all the times Jimmy lashes out and says something cruel to him or others. He never means it, if he did why would he still be Curly’s friend? Curly’s head wasn’t in the right space in that moment, he just got through panicking with Anya and if the sound design is anything to go by, was panicked and preoccupied going to confront Jimmy. I mean, the flash of the warning signs before he runs back are identical to the dissociative episode of sort he has when going to talk to Jimmy to do his Psyc eval.

There is this sort of assumption in fanon that Curly was the idealic person for the job and simply failed. None of them were the idealic people to be there, it’s Curly’s entire concern with the ladder he chose. I see more interpretations of him being purposefully ignorant where I see him as just always looking the wrong way or not in a place where he can see it. There’s something different about seeing something than being told about it in the human mind. It may just be the psych student in me but Curly def has some sort of cognitive dissonance just like Jimmy but when it comes to his role as a Captain vs who he is.

They blur in his head to where if you ask him if he was acting as a Captain or a friend or himself to his crew he couldn’t answer. Not with confidence even if he did. There are many times we see that Curly himself is not in the right headspace to lead the Tulpar and that’s outside of anything with Jimmy. He’s spacey, he’s not sleeping, he’s deeply unhappy with himself and life. It’s why there’s believability he crashed the ship. Maybe the others saw it, or maybe Jimmy heard enough of it to spin it in a way that made Curly seem suicidally depressed.

So the tdlr is I think it wasn’t so much letting Jimmy go, more so not seeing the severity of what he was allowing to transpire. In his mind it’s just another one of Jimmy’s bluffs, cruel words, off words but just words. Jimmy rarely ever acts, why would he now? Maybe he’s never seen it because Jimmy hides those actions? Either way, he just never thought he’d really do it.

[raisans-art]

Brothers starter is so messed up because even in the scenerio that Emmet gets to be human again, hes not been human for at least a decade. Can he even go back to living like that? Hes legally dead, he never finished school or made human connections outside of Ingo and even then the connection between a pokemon and human is far different from two humans. He doesnt really have a reason to try being human again apart from giving ingo back his twin, not even a reason for himself.

You can never go home again.

[therian-and-nonhuman-polls]

Therians, what level of differentiation/dissociation (not sure if it's the right word, please correct me if I'm wrong) with your theriotype do you have? Meaning that your "cat self", for example, is more playful, or energetic than your "regular self".

I see this much more often within therian community than within otherkin, so I'm interested. Also feel free to rephrase the question if my wording is off.

- 0% (I am my theriotype fully and thoroughly, no differentiation)

- 0%—25%

- 25%—50%

- 50%—75%

- 75%—100% (there is a "human me" and an "animal me")

- not a therian

[sysmedsaresexist]

Could you please dive into the RAMCOA controversy that's been going around? I've literally never heard someone say "RAMCOA is antisemitic" until like a week ago and now there's multiple blogs (I'm sure you can guess who at this point) who are saying this and calling RAMCOA a conspiracy theory from the satanic panic.

It's being said by the same 3 blogs that all reblog the same bad takes so I wasn't putting any stock in their word. Just the latest misinfo spreading unchecked, would appreciate your thoughts on this.

You know what, I'm not going to lie, I've been dreading getting this question.

Terrified. Harassment in this area of discussion is rampant.

We are currently debating making a post and how to approach it.

I will make our stances clear right now.

I think the conversation as it is now is full of misinformation and confusion. I think no single post can cover that amount of history and the theories and controversy.

I don't think anyone understands what they're arguing about, or the histories they're trying to bring up, and how they overlap. I think many members of the conversation lack access to resources and education that the mods of this blog DO have access to. Most of the links being thrown around lead back to the same single sources.

To shorten a very long, complex, and honestly unfinished conversation: the satanic panic and RAMCOA are two completely different entities. The satanic panic was a religious political movement of the 90s pushed by conservatives as a way to scare people back into church and scare women back into their "place" at home by attacking child care facilities. It called on a lot of tropes. And many of them were, yeah, ridiculously antisemitic. As the movement got more and more sensationalized, it began to call attention to therapists (some of them bad faith) and to RAMCOA survivors as a "Look! It's real!" kind of thing. If anything, this attention hurt far more than it helped. It painted an inaccurate and insulting picture that's still utilized to harm people today.

To be very clear: programmed DID is a well documented occurrence and it can occur in several ways.

We support survivors, no matter what they call it. We support clinicians trained in treating people who have gone through that extreme level of horrific abuse. We support people learning to separate fact from fiction, in whatever way that may apply to any given situation.

SAS supports ramcoa and oea survivors.

Here's something we suggest reading, though it's very long.

Stay safe, everyone ❤️

[herbalprism]

can i get a 2000's scene theme for simply

length go wild

thank you if you do this!! i have been struggling

Hello!! I would've done this sooner if I had gotten the notification sooner-(tumblr likes to hold my notifs hostage sometimes)

I hope this fits the bill on 2000's scene!



 -**Name**-

-**Age**-

-**Pronouns**-

-**Gender**-

-**Species**- 


-**Source**-

-**Sourcetalk**-

-**Role**-

-**Secondary role**-


-**Likes**-

-**Dislikes**-

-**P/ Triggers**-

-**N/ Triggers**-

-**Comforts**-


 **Orientation**-

-**Mono/Poly**-

-**Relationship Status**-

-**Touch?/R**-

-**Touch?/P**-

-**Flirting?**-



[pdid-culture-is]

P-DID host culture is yes, I'm in full front 24/7, doesn't mean I am myself, I'm a blurry mess, almost constantly.

- 🥚🍳

.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

An interpretation and personal headcannon of mine is that Killer is programmed with two main Directives. Seeing how his soul is described as what remains of Sans and Chara fighting for control I take this as something like a command or guidance from the two.

On one side Chara directive is to simply do as they say. Sans is a simple plea, a wish to protect him and avenge him to not give up. It just Sans directive neither really took hold while in his timeline seeing how Sans was gone it only becomes a problem to others once he is taken from his timeline suddenly he is surrounded by so many sanses but how can he be sure that they are sans and not just named sans. Some are easier Horror is Sans, and Cross is Sans. Blue is weird he has many traits of Sans but also not Sans so he is put in the inconclusive pile while more research is being conducted. His real road block is Dust though he is just like Sans just with one major wrong and that is the fact that he killed Papyrus and Sans would never do that so he must not be Sans. His codes, his timeline everything insists that he is even if Dust says he is not. He digs deeper before finally coming to a conclusion that Dust used to be Sans but with corrupted codes he was changed so now he is Dust. Does that mean he cannot go back to being Sans he is unsure but at least he finally has an answer to his dilemma.

I don't see Killer ever accepting Dust as a Sans because that would mean that Sans could kill Papyrus which would put everything about himself and Sans in question. If Dust is Sans and Sans can kill Papyrus by choice does that mean that Killer is Sans and he just wanted to kill Papyrus the entire time? He doesn't know and so he'd rather believe Dust just isn't a Sans not anymore at least that he was changed similar to Killer into someone knew, something different.

~Musical Anon

To be fair anon, Cross isn’t really a classic Sans, he’s a swap like Sans. Add on the heart locket and the being obsessed with chocolate and the soul thing with a Chara, even more reasons Killer would be iffy with him. But he wouldn’t feel like a threat to Killer the way someone like Dust would—if Dust keeps viewing and insisting on his identity as Sans.

And if i recall correctly, Killer’s SOUL was described as a war between two souls; Sans’ soul, and the Determination SOUL—not directly Chara. Might’ve been changed once the Player’s involvement in Killer’s story was revealed.

And this interpretation is pretty interesting, especially since we do see Sans as among those “personalities” that guide Killer’s choices when he’s in Stage 1.

Although it’s to my understanding that Murder doesn’t really insist he’s not Sans? But that he is Sans. Not sure about that so Murder fans can correct me. I’ve seen many different views on this—Murder still views himself as Sans and doesn’t want anyone taking that from him, or Murder doesn’t feel he deserves the name of Sans, etc.

But out of all the MTT, Killer seems to be the one most convinced he is not Sans and is something entirely new, separate, different.

He seems to think he came into existence because an outer force willed it, created it. The whole “Killer Sans exists because of you” thing, and the “you’re the reason I’m like this” stuff. That he’s here to serve someone else’s whims and desires.

Large part in why I personally like to HC that in more canon adjacent Bad Sanses AUs that Killer is the one who renames Murder into Murder/Dust, and possibly Horror too, or at least it was his idea that he pitched to Nightmare when the two were “recruited.” Renamed them as if they were pets.

Probably to not only handle any confusion caused by having the same name as eachother (is the justification), but to make it easier on Killer (which is in Nightmares best interests too. Nightmare doesn’t want Killer changing, he doesn’t want Stage 1 around too much, because change means questioning means leaving Nightmare.

Nightmare doesn’t want Killer to think—in large part probably why Horror and Dust are around, because Killer cannot be allowed to be left alone with his thoughts. He’ll start questioning himself. This could potentially be justified in a way of that Nightmare doesn’t want Killer “hurting himself”—implying Killer cannot be trusted to stay alive or want to stay alive if he goes into Stage 1. (Citing their first meeting/kidnapping as evidence.)

Giving Killer responsibilities such as Horror and Dust prevents critical thinking and examination. He’ll be too focused on those two and performing his duties to think about himself.

Any time he’s not on a mission, most of his downtime could be spent with them, performing tasks around the castle, attending to Nightmare, or rare moments allowed in his room where he could have distractions like video games or a phone. Smoke screens and fog.)

So he doesn’t have to question himself too much, and examine his motives and actions (something often encouraged in cult like settings and conditioning causes thinking through the lens of the conditioning that bypasses conscious thought.

Killer (at least when in Stage 2) is not actually the most self reflective or critically thinking individual when it comes to himself—because he was trained to not be, and discouraged from it, and trying to directly ask him in Stage 1 would probably be what triggers him into Stage 2–a part thats too dissociated to fully attach to his actions and its consequences enough to question and examine. (Color would be excellent at making him question his beliefs, and in contrast to Nightmare, would fully encourage him to do so—with adequate support, because questioning too much too quick without support would likely be dangerous for Killer himself or those around him.)

He doesn’t know a lot of the reasons behind why he thinks the way he does or does the things he does—he just.. does it. Without thinking it through.

He doesn’t even actually fully know how killing makes him feel, or what he feels when he kills Papyrus. He notices it’s different from when he kills anyone else, but he doesn’t know why or how.

He doesn’t know why he hesitates and falters when faced with Papyrus, and reminders of Papyrus. When asked if he’s okay after coming out of Stage 4, his speech is disorganized and confused—unable to tell if he’s actually as fine as he says he is. (Ex: “I’m fine—“ “I don’t know—“ “I’m okay.” Am I?)

When asked what it’s like to be apart of the Bad Sanses, he says it’s fun while standing over a pile of monster dust, and yet the faint words under his red speech saying “sad” point otherwise.

And of course, that one question that pointed out that killing clearly doesn’t help him feel anything, so why does he keep doing it if he knows it’s pointless? Because he’s conditioned to.

Because he was made to do it so repetitively and unthinking without stop that it’s quite literally unthinking instinct now, not even something he consciously decides to do, and a part of him (Stage 4) fears what’ll happen if he doesn’t (the constraints of the Deal.) He was even going to instinctively stab Abyss in that one silly drawing if Color hadn’t been around to catch him before he could.

But of course, Killer does not know this. He is not consciously aware of this.

If directly confronted as to why and he bothers to try and give a reason (even if something as gross and disgusting and untrue as saying “because its fun,” as if parroting someone else’s words that he’s repeated many times), it’d be contradictory and won’t make sense when examined critically (you say you can’t feel anything and this doesn’t even seem to make you actually genuinely happy. do you even know what happiness is? When’s the last time you felt happiness? Can you even remember?)—and of course, he won’t—can’t—acknowledge what would happen if he attempted to refuse, either from Chara or from Nightmare. Attempting to refuse just triggers Stage 4, and he obeys anyhow.

We can see evidence that he wants to understand himself—experimenting on himself, curious in the souls and codes of others—but little bro cannot deprogram himself. Get that guy some therapy 🙏)

So in short, I agree that Killer would struggle to accept Murder as Sans (especially if Murder keeps insisting he is and his name is Sans)—and for his own emotional and mental and physical safety and stability, he’ll either attempt to rather violently avoid and detach from Murder—possibly seeing him as just a tool he has to take care of, or something following its own script separate from him and seeks to keep it that way (cue killer behaving like a threatened cornered animal if murder keeps trying to interact with him just like he did with swap, trying to maintain that distance and position of power between them (killer is the right hand, blah blah) or force Sans to give away anything that makes him him or connects him to Sans (the name, Papyrus’ scarf, probably mock or criticize any puns or jokes he finds the will and energy to try and make) and encourage him to be something different.

To “let Sans die” and be something stronger, or perhaps whatever sends the message that he doesn’t deserve to consider himself Sans. —the conflicting thoughts of “Am I Sans? I want to be Sans. I don’t deserve to be Sans” (st1) and “I am not Sans, I just have his face. If im not sans then what am I?” (st2) causing him behave how he was taught to maintain the beliefs he was taught.

He might frame it out to be for Sans’ benefit. Some may claim it’s only ever for himself. In actuality, it’s only ever for benefit of those who want him compliant.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi✌🏻

This is dissociation anon once again after a very long time. How've you been? I hope your life has treated you nicely!

So, I've been living alone for more than a year and, well... It's great! I have close friends to spend my days with & meaningful relashionships that make me feel supported and seen and part of the community, do great in school (I had the coolest practicals out of my entire group!! At 19 yo, I was already assisting with surgery, if in the smallest role!! I saw so much stuff and by the end the main nurse trusted me enough she sent me as the only tech in an emergency operating room!!), generally cleaned up most of the main issues to the point they affect me much less than before (the only like,,, big big triggers left are suicide and weapons, but like, as a person who both was suicidal and had a brother who wanted to kill himself by shooting his brains out with the gun we had, I don't think those two will go away, well, ever), and if I do get more trauma, it's because of either general geopolitical stuff and/or other fucked up stuff happening in my life that doesn't involve the abusers.

To sum it up, I'm living that university experience you see in ads and movies that everyone says is impossible, complete with my own apartment and a walkable community with a shitton of public transport.

Also, my family is rotting apart. Everything got so much worse since I left it's not even funny. A part of the family had to emigrate, and I'm pretty sure my 13 yo cousin is now depressed and bullied in school; they seem to only be finding bigger problems and all of them are miserable. Relatives are dying left and right. My father shut himself off completely, preferring to stare into meaningless entertainment all day instead of doing... Literally anything. My brother, while not actively suicidal now (thank god), is 10 seconds away from going on a murderous rampage and killing them all, despite also somehow developing his own dysfunctional second life. My mother is heavily burnt out and depressed, preferring to also shut herself off with meaningless entertainment instead of trying to do anything to make herself feel better.

They are tearing each other apart with horrible fights which are now happening daily, and People's "such a shame you had to move" talk turned into "you shouldn't return" talk.

And it just,,,, it hurts my soul, man. Like, boy, I sure have my empathy and ability to sympathise with them turned down to 0,005%, but like,,,, they're so full of misery that it follows around them like a cloud and seeps to surfaces.

And things are like, bad bad. Like, triple the level of dysfunction you are thinking about from that initial paragraph. Like, my mother is contemplating divorce bad.

And when I look at all of this I just,,, want to help them, because oh fuck this isn't something anybody deserves.

So I'm just sort of stuck with a double life and a shitty secret identity of being a 100% normal & we'll adjusted person and also severely abused victim who's family is rotting apart and like,,, how do I manage both of that? What do I even do? Do I help? Do I don't? Do I say "you deserve this?" And leave them?

They're still the people who tortured me, abused me, despised me, pulled a gun on me, threatened to kill me, starved me, refused to give me proper medical treatment, turned me into what was practically a child slave, and more. And when you spell it out like that, it seems clear cut - no, I shouldn't help them.

But the idea of leaving,,, all that to be in my happy bubble of optimism and positivity and turning a blind eye while they rot makes me, the person I made myself outside of their influence, who has morals now, wholy shit, when did that happen, shrivel up in guilt and shame.

So like.. thoughts? Opinions? Help? Is this some sort of delayed Stockholm syndrome?

(Also, I think they know I did my whole year long manipulation plan to get out of the house intentionally, but by this point, what can they do? I won. I'm out, and I only come back for vacations and weekends, occasionally.)

(Also also, yeah, I still dissociate, either due to flashbacks or exhaustion, but it's better now)

Warm regards, and Thanks for your answer in advance!!

Hi again! I'm very glad to hear from you again!

It's so good to hear that university life is treating you well. Such amazing news!!! And that the trauma recovery isn't taking up all your mental space. That's amazing ❤️

Regarding your struggle of not knowing whether to help them, I'm here to reinforce what you already know when you spell out exactly what they put you through: you are not responsible for helping them overcome their struggles. You were an abuse victim under that roof, and every step you have taken toward your own safety and well-being is a good one, including distancing yourself as much as possible from their lives in every possible way.

It's completely understandable to struggle with guilt when you know exactly the kind of hell someone is going through, especially when those people have made you feel responsible for their pain. You're not alone in these feelings. I personally also felt like this when I left my mother behind, knowing how mentally unstable she was. I'm sure many other abuse victims have felt like this after leaving behind their abusers as well. Manu abusers have a way to make you feel like abusing you is the only thing keeping them from hurting themselves instead, and it can feel so selfish to save yourself when it feels like you're dooming them even more in the process.

But the truth is it was never your responsibility to save your family members from themselves at the expense of your own safety and well-being, and it will never be. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and put yourself first so you can heal and lead a regular, fulfilling life, outside of survival mode. A life where you don't have to worry that something you say or do (or something you don't say or do) will make others escalate into life-threatening violence. And, let me tell you, I'm really proud of you for everything you've already done to save yourself. (Also, super proud of you too for all your achievements in your practicals! Assisting with surgery is such a huge step!)

And, nonnie, you're not living in a bubble. What you have done is exit their bubble to enter the world. That's a great thing! Your family is the one living in a bubble of emotional anguish that they either created for themselves, or didn't know how (or want) to escape. As far as I'm aware, they are all adults (at least in your former household) and have the ability to make their own decisions, just like you do. And while it can be extremely difficult to escape a situation where you're living in survival mode, warped in a damaging and terrifying worldview where everything is a life or death situation (I would never want to downplay how impossible it can feel to exit a cycle of abuse), it is possible to at least want to fight to lead a different kind of life that is adjusted, and calm, and feels worth living. You did it. Why is it that you can fight for yourself on your own, with no one to support you and your whole family actively against you, but it feels like they can't do it without your help? Why should you have to sacrifice everything you've fought for just because they can't find it in themselves to fight for a better life they way you did?

I think it will be easier to believe they're the ones in a bubble the more time you spend away from them. Up until very recently, their bubble has been your whole life, everything you've ever known. That's why it can feel like you're in a bubble now, because your newer experiences can feel small and more isolated than your whole lifetime up until this point. But as you spend time in the outside world and experience new interactions and relationships, your perception will change, and, hopefully, your guilt and shame will be alleviated and it'll be easier to understand that you never deserved what you went through, you didn't choose to live in that bubble of abuse, and it's not your responsibility to remove anyone else from it.

It can be really painful to feel like you're leading a double life when no one around you knows you come from an abusive household. I still struggle with this sometimes. It's helped me to be open about my past with my friends, at least. I don't know if this is something you want to share with any of the new people you've met, but I just want you to know that whatever you choose is okay. You don't owe anyone this information about your past, but you also don't owe anyone keeping quiet about it to make other people comfortable. Do what feels right for you, and if you're scared of oversharing when it isn't welcome, you can always ask for consent beforehand. There are lots of people out there who will appreciate you being honest and open, and even relate to your struggles.

Good luck with everything! Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[ky-landfill]

what if,,, baby jason and baby dick,,, at the SAME TIME?? rip bruce

[hatredmadeofgold]

So, Raiden has DID, right. This is a fact.

What do you think about his system? I know you write fanfic about him, do you think there are any other elaborated parts other than Raiden and The Ripper? (I'm not a fan of "evil murder alter," but I feel like naming would be pretty ambiguous. :)

Hey anon, I am sorry in advance but this answer is 2263 words long lmao Go sit back with a beverage of your choice (I recommend water) and enjoy the ride.

[Not sure if you’ve read my little attempt at an essay from July 2022 about him having DID (it’s here), but I do consider it outdated now and would love to update it (same as the one on him having ASPD) at some point when I got the energy for that.]

This is a fact made me laugh a bit, ngl.

I am not a fan of the “evil murderer alter” thing either (I watched Split once and while I give my kudos to the actor’s portrayal of various alters, the story itself sucks ass and I also found it boring as hell to be honest) — if anything, Raiden’s entire system consists of “evil murderer alters”, or none of such at all. We’re speaking about a character who admits to enjoying murder, and that wasn’t The Ripper speaking back then in MGS2 either — Raiden isn’t left in the dark of his violent nature, but he’s left in the dark about the details.

I don’t want to give too many spoilers for my fanfiction series @mgsr-sing-to-me away, since the story goes in-depth about my concept of his DID system, how it was created and what each alter roughly represents, but I’ll try to give you a quick rundown:

Something I think most MGS fans can all agree on is that Raiden in all three games in which he appears feels somewhat different, to the point of ‘inconsistency’ even, and this has created my interpretation and headcanon for him to have DID in the first place, and Raiden having suffered from amnesia is a well-known canon fact.

To me, however, it’s not MGR Raiden who feels strongly different in terms of personality — it’s MGS4 Raiden who feels like an inconsistency.

I consider the Raiden we see in MGS4 actually a different alter being in control of the body than the one who is in control during MGS2. During MGR, it feels like a mix of both of those alters but let me get to that later.

‘Jack the Ripper’ is an obvious alter, not an ‘alter ego’, and when I played MGR in Japanese, the cutscene after the Monsoon boss battle in which Raiden touches the wound on his abdomen made me realise — hold on, he suffered amnesia right there.

Something that I strongly dislike about the English Dub of MGR is that Quinton Flynn isn’t really good at the portrayal of Jack. Throughout the Japanese dub, however, Ken’yuu Horiuchi uses his voice to show the literal switching between at least three alters present in Raiden throughout the game. Unfortunately, this isn’t evident in the English dub much at all, aside from the Jack the Ripper Awakens cutscene.

For easier understanding’s sake, I will give those alters some nicknames (also to prevent spoilers for my fanfiction):

The Raiden of Denial, as we see him both in the first half of MGR and MGS2

The Raiden of Dissociality, as we see in the later half of MGR and on and off during MGS2 (especially during {optional} Codecs with Rose)

Jack the Ripper

The Raiden of Sorrow, as we see him during MGS4

I took these 4 observed alters from the canon as my pillars to roughly create my concept for his DID system, which boils down to an approximate number of 16 or more alters in total.

I say ’16 or more’ because Raiden has never received adequate therapy for his mental health issues during canon, and it’s hard to determine an exact number of alters in general due to the covert nature of the disorder.

I decided to keep the exact number ambiguous but clear and simple enough to not get overwhelmed because technically someone with such severe trauma as his could result in poly-fragmented DID (aka 100 or more alters), but that’s not even set in stone.

Let me get into the specifics a bit.

—

Raiden of Denial alters are parts of him that are, what the (flawed) model of structural dissociation would probably call “apparently normal parts” (short: ANP). I take this model with a grain of salt because DID isn’t as neatly structured as this model suggests (in my experience), but to keep it simple, these alters are less aware of the full extent of their traumas and are therefore ‘functional’ in everyday life as well as interpersonal relationships, however, they feel less ‘fleshed out’ or ‘mask-like’ in his case sometimes.

All Raiden of Denial alters tend to run away from their past, hence I label them with the word “denial”. All of these alters are adults, and the apparent Host alter {at the time}, present in the first half of MGS2 until the nanomachines suppressing a part of his memory (aka suppressing the majority of the system) are deactivated by Solidus Snake, is one of such.

—

Throughout MGR, we can see two alters intruding on each other’s consciousness with thoughts, feelings and memories. One of them is like the one we see in MGS2 and the prologue of MGR, one in denial. Then there’s one we see sometimes in MGS2 and more and more prominently during MGR, a dissocial one.

We see an indirect switch right at the beginning of Chapter 1, where a dissocial type takes over. This shift is also picked up by Kevin, mentioning Raiden’s callousness that Raiden does not respond to.

These two alters are in so much conflict with each other throughout the game that Jack the Ripper decides that he’s had enough of that shit from the other two because neither of them is capable of handling being consistently confronted with triggers and reminders of “who they all really are on the inside”, and shoves them both out of the frame and takes on full control.

This comes with strong amnesia about what happens during his takeover. It’s not total blackout amnesia, but rather that it feels like watching himself act in the third person perspective, and the memory feels like Raiden is watching a YouTube video on a bad internet connection in 360p resolution.

—

Now Jack the Ripper is a persecutor-type of alter — an alter that has a protective role for the system, however, a persecutor’s methods are causing harm to the system overall.

I don’t want to give too much away from my fic as I said, but I’ll give you the hint that Jack the Ripper that we see during MGR is both an adult and a child at the same time.

A child who is trying to protect himself by lashing out at everyone and everything around him. It is obvious given the context of what we are told from the games that Jack the Ripper was born from the horrible things he was forced to witness and forced to do himself when he was a child soldier in Liberia, hence his age-ambiguity. And even The Ripper is split into several variants, making The Ripper his own category of alters.

The variants of The Ripper handle various parts of the horrible things that he had to endure as a child soldier, and they vary in ‘age’ and what triggers them out but they all behave roughly the same.

Despite being different alters of the same category, unlike the other alters within the same category, Ripper variants all consider themselves to be one and the same, perhaps unable to understand the barriers between them as well as gaps in memory.

Also one part of these alters is a child alter who has none of these violent and hostile traits at all, but is still a part of this category. This alter is protected by the rest of The Ripper, and contains all of these emotions that he was not allowed to openly show to guarantee his survival back in Liberia, like fear, sorrow, and pain but also empathy.

There are multiple of these child alters in the system, but they are hard to distinguish without giving them names, some have memories of their trauma, and some are completely oblivious.

—

The Sorrow type of alters are what we exclusively see in MGS4 and are what I associate with self-hatred, recklessness, suicidal ideation (internal homicide), self-harm and substance abuse.  

Sorrow types are either adults or teenagers. They exclusively have a detailed awareness of Raiden’s addiction issues, which is another headcanon I have and is also listed in the content warnings for Sing to Me (ARC 2: Parasite Eve will handle this topic the most; and it may or may not be rather graphic, it depends on what I decide in the end what I will decide to publish).

—

Now I have listed 4 types of alters but I did not say anywhere that each category of them equates a set amount of alters to get to the number of 16 known alters in the system.

Because there’s another category to throw into the mix: Introjects.

So far, I have 4 introjects in mind that are part of Raiden’s system, but due to Sing to Me spoilers I cannot share them all.

Introjects are alters based on another person, be that a person in the system’s life, a celebrity they look up to, or even a fictional character. They exist in all DID systems in real life (and some sources confirm fiction-based introjects aka fictives since the 1980s) and their existence has a link to the psychology of child development.

One introject Raiden possesses is based on Solidus Snake/George Sears. Said alter is also a persecutor type and could be overlapping somewhat with the Ripper category, but is not a direct part of them. This persecutor introject of Solidus causes the entire system a major hit to their self-esteem, as he enacts the very same punishment onto the system, as the real Solidus Snake did on Raiden when he was a child soldier under his control, and also sabotages a lot of Raiden’s relationships by ‘protecting’ him from perceived threats that he sees in others.

—

Another I have in mind is perhaps based on Solid Snake/David and could have formed way before they’ve actually met. This makes sense because Raiden had gone through 2 years of VR training for the Big Shell mission, which put him into Snake’s role when he was on a solo infiltration mission on Shadow Moses Island in Alaska. This David introject is very loosely based on the actual person and is more of a fragment of what Raiden had been made to believe during those times. After their meeting, this introject might take the role of a ‘caretaker’ type of protector. Caretaker in this context must not be understood as to be something like a mother or father figure! However, this alter is counteracting the Solidus introject as well as the Ripper variants, by trying to get himself back on track.

—

Then there’s a fictive I feel like I can share about, and it’s the only female alter in the system: Ripley. And with that one I mean the actual Ellen Ripley from the first 4 movies of the Alien franchise.

Given that MGS2 mentions Raiden and Rose having met over arguing over King Kong, I came to think of what other types of fiction Raiden would enjoy and wrote myself a (still unfinished) list of movies and books.

The Alien franchise started in 1979 with the first movie, so it even matches timeline-wise that Raiden possibly saw those movies in his late teens, perhaps on TV or borrowed them from a local video rental store. Kaijū movies seem to be his thing, and although the Alien franchise is not considered one, it does overlap in some aspects of the genre.

Ripley as an alter might have formed when Raiden was moved into a foster family’s home, and to cope with his terrible nightmares that felt far too real, his psyche latched onto the fictional character to dissociate himself further from his past.

What I imagine is that he saw his nightmares, the flashbacks, and what he went through as something as undefeatable and unkillable as the xenomorph as described in the first movie, “the perfect survivor, without a conscience, guilt or remorse, nor moral code”.

Now Ripley was able to survive the xenomorph, and also kill it — by shooting it into space. Something that Raiden always wished to do with his past, just to erase it, as we learn in MGS2. At the time this alter takes its shape, he was maybe 15 or 16 years old. Ripley is also a protector, to protect the child in him additionally from pain. This alter then also takes a motherly role for the system inside Raiden’s Inner World, something that cannot be seen by an outsider.

—

The last introject I cannot say anything about it, since that one would give a too-harsh spoiler for my story plans with Sing to Me. I’d LOVE to talk about this alter and the absolute mindfuck he will create once he surfaces and interacts with other characters in the story, but my hands are tied. It sadly takes me so much time to work on the story due to the lack of energy I have overall, but it’s on my mind every single day. Even writing this answer took me two nights T_T

And considering that I’ve written over 2200 words to answer this ask already, I will make a cut here. Because honestly, I could write an entire book about Raiden (and Sam).

Which… I am actually doing, sort of, with my fic, due to its sheer estimated length of around 100 chapters for just the main story.

[circulars-reasoning]

Hi, I hope this ask isn’t too invasive…

You’ve mentioned before that you’re an English teacher, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to speak a bit on how you became one (education? certifications?) and what it’s like for you teaching while living with DID.

The reason I ask is, I’m a senior in high school and I’ll be going to college in the fall. I’m really worried because I have so many alters who all want different things for my life. But in general, I’m drawn to teaching and many of my alters are okay with the idea of pursuing this as a career - especially if I can teach English, which has always been my best subject (I’m in the US).

I’m really scared about entering the adult world, and want to be as prepared as possible for this shift. Hearing from a system who followed the career path I’m considering would be really amazing!

If this ask bothers you or if you’re not comfortable answering it, I totally understand. Thank you for your time and consideration!

- Freya

Hey!!! Sorry I missed this ask -- I hardly use this blog and actually plan on deleting it soon. Just need to get around to reblogging the important posts.

But this is an important one, and I really want to respond here, in the hopes that you'll see it.

I'm an English teacher for 6th grade in the US, and I can say that, without a doubt, college was harder than being a teacher is currently. Do not let your experiences in college stop you from your goal. The professors will not be kind to you, especially if you don't know what's happening to you.

I'm going to pop this under a cut because boy howdy I am rambling.

In terms of college and working to become a teacher with DID:

Firstly, and most importantly: Scheduling. You will need to be completely on top of scheduling out your few years of college. You don't need to be perfect, mind you, but please be aware of what classes are required and when you will take them. My college fucked me over on this. The reason it's so vital is because most education programs in the US are 5 year programs -- 4 years of college, and a 5th year of one semester of a "practicum" (an unpaid internship at a school). During your practicum, you're not supposed to take any extra classes. I was taking 3 classes on top of my practicum to stay under 5 years. Don't do this. Either bite the bullet and do that extra 5th year of schooling, or plan accordingly so you don't get stuck the same way I did.

Now that that's out of the way:

DID definitely impacted my ability to study for things. It really helped having someone else holding me accountable; my partner, my roommate for 3 of my 4 years of college, really helped me out and basically did the education degree alongside me in spirit. If you can, find someone else to help you study.

That someone else should not be a fellow education major. This is because almost all of them will drop out by the time you graduate. That's a sorry truth, unfortunately. In my Junior Literature class of 6 students in my junior year, only 3 moved on with their degree; in my senior year, I was the only one who moved on. This is because college is fucking grueling, and everyone dropped out, thinking teaching would be harder (I'll get to that).

Don't try to overcome your disorder in college. Don't try to heal or recover while going through classes. Try to survive. You do not need to focus on recovery immediately, and it is a BAD idea to pile that much on your shoulders while in college and while teaching. Try to maintain and survive as best as you can. Recovery is a process and it will work on its own as you go through.

You can absolutely bullshit your way through an English degree, easy. It's not hard. Especially if you start writing about fanfiction in Lit 101 -- or at least, in my experience, that got me far. If you know you'd good at English, I would highly recommend it, esp if you're good at School English.

For your other classes, you'll likely have to do gen ed credits. Be creative and have fun. To fulfill my math credits, I took programming and "mathematical excursions" (you do fun shit with math and learn to pay for a house -- it was incredible). To fulfill science credits, I took Astronomy as a night class and got to look through a telescope during a night class for an A. It was awesome. (Well, ok, that class sucked, but you get the point).

DON'T OVERSTACK YOUR CREDITS. I wouldn't go above 18 credits per semester. I usually did around 16, and the minimum we could do was 12. Don't go minimum, but do not overstack. Again, scheduling, don't overschedule yourself.

You'll take a form of practicum each year more than likely. This will be where you go to a school and teach for a bit, and then you'll go do homework about what you taught. In your first year or two, you won't be doing almost any of the teaching; you'll shadow a mentor teacher who will show you how to do the thing. This is honestly so beneficial, but...

TAKE NOTES. For fucks sake, the memory part of DID fucking destroyed me in college, and notes would improve everything. Take double notes, honestly -- physical notes while in the school, and digital notes once you get home.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP. DID leads to insomnia so frequently. Start trying to keep good sleeping habits now, because it WILL get worse as college goes on. Do NOT do what I did and try to survive on 3 hours of sleep a night. It is not sustainable and you will catch every single disease these kids transfer onto people, I swear to god.

The Dean of Students will actually help. A lot. Please go to them if you're struggling. If you can't go, then send someone you trust to advocate for you. In my senior year when everything was going to shit with my mentor teacher (she was a horrible woman) and the admin at school were shitty to me (again, a horrible woman in charge), my partner went to the Dean and advocated for me. That mentor teacher was forced to retire from the school the next year, and my admin had to extend my semester by 3 days to give me a better practicum with someone who could actually do their fucking job. Do not feel scared to advocate.

Please. Please, if you remember nothing, remember this: do not listen to your coworkers in your final practicum. Don't listen to what they say about you becoming a teacher. These people are jaded assholes who, in my experience, want nothing more than to bomb the school. I wish I was kidding, but genuinely, so many of them are horrifically jaded and don't want to be there, ESPECIALLY when your practicum starts (which almost always coincides with state testing schedules). Teaching is awesome, genuinely, so long as you enjoy it.

And lastly for the college aspect: It gets easier. It really does. College was absolute hell for me up through senior year. This was because not only was I doing full coursework (ouch), but I was also starting to really understand and process bits of my trauma (yikes) and I was still with my abusers (yikes). This makes it so, so much harder, in so many ways. And I still did it. And now, here I am to live and tell the tale, and now that I am a teacher?

This shit is so much more forgiving. I have slipped up so fucking much, but as long as you do your best and mean well, your bosses will fucking adore you. They desperately need warm bodies in the room to help make sure the kids don't set fire to each other, and you are certainly going to fit the job description if you give a single shit.

Be open about some of your issues, but not all. I'm very open at work that I suffer from a disorder that leads to amnesia, but I'm careful about how I do this. "I actually have an issue that leads to a lot of forgetfulness, so if it's possible that you could send me a reminder of that meeting, I'd appreciate it." That's all I needed, and now we have a group calendar and my coworker has forgiven me numerous times for missing something.

Your mistakes as a system are completely seen as just. Normal Ass Human Mistakes. Forgot a meeting? Happens to everyone. Broke down crying in front of the kids? Shit fam, the teacher across the hallway walked out last week, you're doing remarkably just because you stayed.

The kids can fuck you up. Genuinely. They WILL trigger you. You WILL get memories of your childhood and it WILL hurt. And you will get through them with patience, time, and understanding. It'll be okay. Please, work hard on reminding yourself that these kids are not actively malicious. They do not understand your perspective.

To that note, almost every single teacher I know has a therapist. It is not a shocker to be in therapy. Most teachers need it. If you don't have one, I highly recommend getting one, if just to bitch about your coworkers with someone who will nod and say, "You deserved better than that, you're right."

Most of teaching is paperwork and meetings. Like genuinely, it's kind of ridiculous. We have meetings every Monday and Thursday, with occasional meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's a LOT of meetings, and everything needs documented.

Work life balance. Please have one. This is when you start working on not bringing work home.

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZZES ARE OKAY. GENUINELY. I was so firmly against them as a student in college -- "that doesn't test genuine knowledge!" Neither does school. Please save yourself the hours of grading and do a few multiple choice quizzes. In some counties the system you use will autograde them.

God I could talk about this for hours on end. I'm really genuinely happy to answer so many questions about this. If you want to know anything specific, feel free to ask. I'm also over on @circular-bircular and plan to use that as my main system blog, so you can ask me more questions there if you want.

You've got this. I am absolutely rooting for you.

[dykedvonte]

there’s something i really adore about curly being revealed to being this beautiful blond man after we see him post crash like what happens to him is so awful and dehumanizing like he really loses everything but especially as a viewer/player watching this game i love the commentary it’s silently making and this uncomfortable feeling in my chest that i have to wrestle with. love it when stuff makes me feel

I think it’s so poignant that Jimmy never hallucinates or sees Curly as his pre-crash self. He only speaks to Curly about and in terms of his own thoughts and projections and rarely lets him have his own inner personal thoughts. Even before the crash it is like this. He is the perfect captain to him and to an extent the rest of the crew even if he is more actualized around the others.

So much of how Curly is dehumanized by Jimmy and the rest is representative of how the Pony Express and capitalism strips workers of their identity, into objects of service. Once he can’t do anything who or what he was is no longer important, worthless, a burden. He is both the dandy dish in HFIM, the idea of going up being before the crash, while the ball is after the crash, his forced decent downwards.

There is an argument he is dehumanized to less than an even object with how his ID card lacks a name and face in Jimmy’s hallucination. Even Anya gets her name, and identify. He is just an empty spot, a role to fill to a lot of them, which is think is why so many fans have a hard time pin pointing who Curly was before the crash and what he stood for.

So much of what we saw of Curly was a man on duty, a man serving under his job and starting to find conflict with that. We don’t really get to see Curly acting for himself and it think it tells about the way he has been molded along with the way he was trying to reshape himself outside of P.E before it was too late.

I always finding intriguing how people almost prefer to draw post crash Curly, to draw his suffering and continue, to an extent, him being the scapegoat, faceless and facing repercussions other characters and entities should. Being a figure to vent frustration to because he can’t fight back, we don’t know what he would say or how he would feel or what he would’ve done. We don’t really know that when he had skin either…