#suicidal tw

[blitzwhore]

Whatever you do, don't think about Stolas teleporting Blitz out of the mansion and hearing Blitz scream from outside... Don't think about Stolas falling to his knees and just sobbing—gasping for air—breaking.

Don't think about Stolas grasping at his own hair for something to hold on as he presses his wet cries against the mansion floor. Don't think about him being so blinded by tears he can't see—can't breathe past the pain, the horror of what he's just found out—that he is the monster he feared he was, that he was naive to think Blitz could ever love him back or even think nicely of him at all. Don't think about Stolas realising he's completely alone not only in this dark and vast mansion but in the world, with absolutely no one he can call a friend.

Don't think about Stolas not moving for hours, even after he's run out of tears to cry. Don't think about him collapsing fully on the floor and just staring blankly through the windows at the full moon, feeling nothing, yet somehow everything at once. Shame. Regret. Horror. Guilt. Self-hatred. And sheer, immeasurable numbness.

Don't think about Stolas wondering if there will ever be anything worth living for.

Don't think about Stolas drowning in the knowledge that he has ruined the only relationship he has ever chosen and found happiness and acceptance in. Don't think about him going through his memories with Blitz in his mind—memories that he thought were among the best in his life—and mocking, berating himself for ever believing they had something real. That it wasn't just him using Blitz as a slave for his own sick, perverted gain the entire time.

Don't think about Stolas wondering if it would've been better to never know happiness at all. To never have been born at all.

Don't think about Stolas hating himself just as much as he thinks Blitz hates him.

[whumpwordsoftheday]

“Please-please stop, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Why? You’re immortal, it’s not like you’re going to die anytime soon.”

“I wanna die. I want this to stop.”

“Well too bad.”

[bots-and-cons]

Can't tell the future, feat Optimus

A/N: I’m feeling pretty crappy at the moment, so I wanted to write something for that. I usually do things like these on my other blog herofics, but I felt like Optimus was a good fit for this so I decided to write something with him. I tagged this with "suicidal tw" just in case, but it's not really an active thing Idk

You hadn’t been to the base in a while, which had Optimus a little worried. You had called him every day, when you couldn’t make it to the base, so he knew you were okay. There was just something about your voice that was bothering him. You’d told him you were just tired and that there was nothing to worry about, and even though he had let it slide until now, he didn’t really believe you. Optimus decided to go see if you would let him take you for a drive to talk. There hadn’t been any decepticon activity for days, so perhaps he would get lucky and the moment of peace would continue.

You were laying in bed with your laptop, trying to decide which assignment was the most interesting. Of course, it was the one that had the deadline months away and not the one that had the deadline next week. You couldn’t get started on any of your assignments, and the ones you had started seemed impossible to finish.

“Why am I like this?” you muttered tiredly, feeling like you might start crying.

The feeling of disappointment was quickly followed by an intense feeling of anger, which made you want to throw your laptop across the room. Why was it always like this? Why couldn’t you manage even school? Your classmates could manage school, work, their family and the rest of their life, and you couldn’t even stay on top of your assignments. Instead of destroying the laptop you had no money to replace, you just ended up hitting your pillow and screaming into it. Your burst of anger was interrupted as you heard a loud truck horn outside your apartment building. You of course went to look out the window and saw that it was Optimus. You put on a jacket on top of your home clothes and went to see what he wanted, maybe the two minutes outside would miraculously get you out of this slump you were in.

You went downstairs and out the front door of your apartment building and walked up to Optimus.

“What are you doing here?” you asked, sounding much colder than you meant to.

“I wanted to see if you were alright. Would you like to go for a drive?” he asked, seemingly not even noticing your tone.

“No thanks, I-” you paused. You were going to say you had a lot of school work to catch up on, but if you hadn’t managed to get started on even one of them the whole day, going for a drive probably couldn’t really make it any worse.

“Actually yeah, let’s go” you said.

Optimus opened the passenger side door to the cabin and you climbed in.

“Remember your seatbelt” he reminded you before starting to drive off.

“Yeah yeah” you muttered, buckling yourself in. “Where are we going anyway?”

“Where would you like to go?”

“Anywhere? Nowhere? I don’t know, we can just drive around” you sighed.

Optimus was never really one for subtleties, so you weren’t exactly surprised when the question you were dreading came. You knew he wasn’t blind, he could see there was something going on with you and that you weren’t doing well. You had really just hoped that he wouldn’t ask, because you felt like your calm demeanor was hanging on by a thread and it would snap at any moment.

“I do not mean to intrude, but I have noticed you have been quite distant lately. I know you have a habit of pushing others away when you are feeling unwell, because you do not wish to be a burden on anyone” he stated very matter-of-factly. “But I wish you would speak to me about what is weighing on you”

It wouldn’t really do any good to lie to him anyway, so you decided to just talk to him. Maybe he would get tired of you too and stop asking how you were. That’s what seemed to happen with everyone you ever talked to. 

“You asked for this” you sighed, before starting your little rant. “I don’t know if this is depression or burnout or what, but I’m exhausted. I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage 15 different school assignments that have deadlines within days of each other. Sure, some of the deadlines are over a month away, but then there’s like five of them in one week. I can’t even get any of them started”

“It sounds like you are feeling very unwell. Have you discussed this with your attending physician or anyone else in your care team?” Optimus asked with clear worry in his voice.

“Not really. When I’ve had calls or appointments with them, I always feel fine in the moment, so I don’t say anything, and when I get back home, it all explodes in my face” you chuckled dryly, looking out of the side window to the darkness outside. It had started raining too, and since Optimus had decided to turn to the highway, there were barely any lights anywhere anymore, because you were so far away from lived in areas.

“Would you like to discuss your current state of mind with me then? I would like to hear how you are really feeling” he inquired.

“I can try” you sighed. “You know how us humans live so much shorter lives compared to you cybertronians?”

“Yes”

“I remember thinking back to when I was like sixteen years old, that I would never make it to twenty. But here I am, in my mid-twenties and now it has changed to “I don't think I’ll make it to thirty”. I wonder if I’ll ever stop thinking like that? To you, that’s probably nothing. Thirty years goes by in a blink of an eye for you, because you live for millions of years. I can’t even imagine living that long. I can’t even imagine living thirty years…” you trailed off.

Optimus could feel you trembling on the passenger’s seat. You were most likely trying to hold in your tears, to stop yourself from crying. He knew you hated crying in front of others, so he didn’t comment on it.

“You are probably right about the fact that thirty years is a short time for me, but that does not mean I do not appreciate it. Take these last three years we have known each other, for example. It might have been a very short time for me, but it has consisted of some of the best things I’ve experienced in eons. Meeting you, for instance. You are not a burden (Name). You are my most precious one. I do not want to see you in pain, but I would still take that over never seeing you again. You are so very strong, but you must also rest sometimes”

You finally started sobbing the moment you heard the words “my most precious one”. Optimus was the only one to ever say something like that to you, he was the only one who seemed to truly understand what you needed.

“You should not burn yourself out because of something like university. It will wait until you are well again. Life happens now, and you can not sacrifice yourself for a future that you know nothing about. You never know where life might take you, but know this. I will always be there with you. You will never have to face these hardships alone again” Optimus finished.

“Than-thank-thank you” you sobbed like a child.

All the stress, all the grief, everything was just pouring out of you now that the dam had been opened. You were crying like a child, just crying away all your frustration as Optimus kept you safe. Even if your time in this universe was just a blink for him, you hoped he would be there until it was your time to go. Maybe you could stay longer if he was there, maybe you would make it past that thirty year mark if he was with you. You couldn’t tell the future, but you could hope.

[herofics]

A day worth waiting for

A/N: I really felt like writing some angst with Gojo. Also, I’m feeling kinda shitty, so I needed something to cope with it. I’m not suicidal specifically, but it keeps kinda flashing in my mind as a “you could do that though” if that makes sense. I started writing this like 3 months ago, but I didn’t finish it then, so I’m writing it now

Warnings: Self-harm, blood and suicide attempt-ish

You were just laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. You had no clue how long you’d been laying there. It might have been minutes, or it might have been hours, you had no idea.

You didn’t feel anything, you were just numb, maybe not even numb, every emotion just felt the same. It was like all the colors were gone.

You stretched your hand towards the ceiling. You were wearing a t-shirt, so you could clearly see the scars that covered your wrist. There were no fresh ones, hadn’t been in a while, but the urge was still there, the urge to rip your skin open and let your life bleed out of you.

And why wouldn’t you? There wasn’t anything here for you. Gojo would be fine without you, he was the strongest, after all. He would probably even be better off.

“It’s decided then” you muttered while getting up from the floor.

You tried writing a note, and even though the idea of ending your life made so much sense in your head, you couldn’t figure out a way to explain it on paper. The only words you managed to put down were “Forgive me, Satoru. I hope you don’t curse me too much”. A few tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink.

You went to draw yourself a warm bath, before rummaging through the drawers under the sink to find a razor blade. You threw off your sweatpants and climbed into the tub in your underwear and a big t-shirt.

You exhaled deeply, before looking up at the ceiling. Were you really going to do this? Were you ready to leave yet?

That’s when you heard the bathroom door open. You quickly submerged the razor blade and hid it under your thigh before Gojo saw it. You managed to cut yourself in the process. How did you not hear him come into the apartment?

“Whatcha doing in the tub with your clothes on?” he smirked from the doorway, not yet putting the situation together.

He was just standing there, looking like his normal dashing self. He took off his blindfold, like he always did when he came home to you.

“I fell in” you lied.

Gojo took a step closer, chuckling, about to say something, when he noticed the blood in the water. The smile died on his lips as he realized what was going on. He knelt down next to the tub and grabbed both your hands, checking your wrists.

He sighed in relief as he realized you hadn’t done anything yet. Then where was the blood coming from?

You saw the panicked look in his eyes as he still held your hands in his while looking for the source of the blood.

“I nicked myself-myself when trying to hide the razor blade” you hiccuped, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Oh doll” Gojo said softly, before pulling you up with him as he stood up.

He took your shirt off you and grabbed a big, fluffy towel, wrapping it around you.

“I need you to talk to me, and I think you need that too” Gojo said as he stood in front of you.

There was something different about the way he looked at you. Anger you would have recognized, but this wasn’t it. Fear? Was it really fear you saw in his eyes?

“Satoru?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You look kind of scared” you noted.

“First of all, I think I should be asking you that. Secondly, I think my fear is pretty justified when I find the person I love sitting in a bathtub filled with water, ready to open their wrists”

“Well that sounds a bit gruesome” you muttered.

“Am I wrong?” Gojo asked, tilting his head to the side.

There was a moment of silence between you, before you spoke a simple, quiet: “No”

You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Once you said it out loud, admitted what you were going to do, it was like a dam broke. You just started sobbing uncontrollably.

“It’s okay doll, it’s okay” Gojo assured as he picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom.

You were still wrapped in the towel and holding onto Gojo’s jacket for dear life. You didn’t even remember what had originally gotten you so upset that you would resort to what you had attempted to do.

Gojo had been through this with you before. The last time this happened, it was with you trying to overdose on your medication. It was one of the few times in his life he had been absolutely terrified. Seeing you laying there unconscious, with an empty pill bottle next to you, had been one of the most horrific moments of his entire life.

Now it was happening all over again, but this time he had been on time. This time he had gotten to you before you’d done anything stupid, this time he’d managed it. After Suguru left, Gojo had sworn he wouldn’t lose anyone else like that. He wouldn’t let anyone else disappear into the shadows again.

Gojo sat down on the bed, still holding you in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-so sorry” you kept blubbering while burying your face to his chest.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay” Gojo said, grabbing your hand and attempting to ground you through his touch. “Just breathe”

After your breathing and crying calmed down, you looked up at him with tearful eyes.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened” you muttered, trying to get up from his lap.

“Nu-uh, you’re not going anywhere till we talk” he pulled you back.

“What am I even supposed to say?”

“Just something, I don’t want you to be alone with this. You know I won’t leave you alone before I get a satisfactory explanation” he half joked.

Gojo just wanted to hear you say that you’d be okay. He just wanted to hear you say this was just a fluke, and it wouldn’t happen again. At the same time, he knew you couldn’t promise that. That you wouldn’t just magically start getting better, because you or he wanted you to.

“I don’t know what happened. It just seemed like the right choice, but the second I saw you, I was like “What the fuck am I doing?” and it didn’t feel like it made any sense anymore”

You kept staring at your hands while leaning the side of your head against his chest. What you said was true. Seeing him had made you change your mind in the end. You could have tried to reach for the razor again, even though it would have been futile with him in the same room. He would have stopped you, no doubt about that, and besides you didn’t want him to see you do that to yourself. The act itself was way different from just seeing the aftermath.

“Well I’m glad I have that effect on you, but that doesn’t really give me much insight to your mental state right now”

“I guess it doesn’t, but I don’t really know what else to tell you” you sighed.

You just sat there in silence, Gojo embracing you and you leaning against his chest. You didn’t know what to tell him. Even if you managed to formulate something that would make sense to you, it would probably just sound crazy to him. It was so hard to put any of it into words, let alone in a way someone else would understand.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I’m not better off without you, and neither is anyone else you know” Gojo said suddenly.

“Thank you” you said after a while more of silence, looking up at him.

“What for?” he asked as he met your gaze.

“I guess I just appreciate the reminder at times like these”

“I’ll remind you for the rest of our lives, if you’ll let me” he smiled softly.

You placed a hand on the side of Gojo’s face and caressed his cheek with your thumb.

“I’d like that”

Maybe one day you’d love life as much as you loved him, maybe that day was worth waiting for.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

My old school was being attacked by a dragon made of lava who made themselves a volcano, and when confronted said they were suicidal and wanted water poured over them so they are solidified.

[candyheartedchy]

Not sure how to feel about that last reblog now.

[unlovablecreatureofsin]

[toonedoutofficial]

Kopy Kat Kraze.jpeg2 *Non-Cannon Material!* C/TW: Mild blood, SH, suicidal ideology, unsettling crap, and religious trauma

Woo! Back at it again with my Y2K AU! I loved torturing Julius/Deliria (myself) when drawing this. He and Bendy are honestly one of my favorite characters from Tooned Out! You should definitely check it out. ;) For context, this is a Wednesday's Infedility AU thing with Julius taking aspects of Mickey and Oswald; Kopy Kat Kraze is what his week would be called, and his song would be called, "Deliria". I'm aware this isn't spelled correctly. Again, non-cannon shit, I just really love drawing angst and blood.

[dark-and-kinky-hetalia-scenarios]

Hello! I'm new here! With the childhood friend x 2p Japan ask, do you think you could go more in-depth on what would happen if the reader did try to force themself on Japan? Just interested in seeing how his psyche could get worse.

Of course! And welcome, I'm happy to have you here!

2p Japan/Kuro Honda

Okay so this is probably one of the worst things you can do to him, because he has been subjected to that stuff before and it made him, angry, bitter and vengeful

So having his childhood friend, the only person he has ever trusted, doing that to him, well that is gonna fuck royally with him

He will lose all trust in you, he still feels obliged to take care of you and he will for all of eternity, but the deep love he had for you will be gone

So unless you are so fucked up in the head that you do it because you think he wants sex so you try to give it to him, and he finds out what he has caused you to do, well then there's basically no good things happening at all

He will be a shell of himself, he won't try to run the temple, he'll just do what you want and suffer through it

So if you want sex all the time he will just let you do it while crying

And yes this is one of the few scenarios where Kuro will ever cry, and those are the tears of his childhood self realising he has no one, not even you. He's alone and people are going to abuse him even when he thought they never would

All in all he will basically be your puppet, he'll do what you ask and he'll hate himself for trusting you and for being vulnerable, yet he can't get himself to fight back because deep down he loved you more than anything and if this is what makes you happy, then he will live it

Though it won't be much of a life for him, it will be psychological torture every single second of the day

He will pray to the gods to destroy his soul once he dies so he does not have to live with the trauma in any afterlife or reincarnation

Basically everything will fall apart around him until he is no longer capable of keeping himself alive and then he will die and he will be erased from existence

So yeah that's what happens, it's pretty depressing but it does shed some light on who he really is

He's definitely a complicated character, but he is not good, which is important to remember, tho you can bring it up in him a little if you play your cards right in other scenarios

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

... I think I'm suicidal again?

[blitzwhore]

Hello! I'd like to ask if you've seen the post with the screenshots that says Stolas inflicts his own torment by going with Stella's whims despite having more power and prestige than her. There is a rebuttal, of course, but someone else also added that the reason people think as the screenshot says is because the writers didn't put enough emphasis and reason on the hold Stella has over Stolas and his fear of her, as well as the fact that her apparent uninvolvement with Octavia makes his reason to stick with her seems very weak. They do put an intriguing essay on how the fear of Stella for Stolas could have stand out more.

Personally I think that he's probably desensitised and numb to her after with Paimon as well and the image of a nuclear family is a must for both society and daughter. Perhaps we'll have more answers in s3. What do you think?

Drink water regularly, may a good week come to you.

Hi! I haven't seen that post, no.

When I see posts arguing about the quality of the show's writing I almost always ignore them, because I'm not interested in discourse and I want my blog to be a place that's fun for me and others to scroll through. I don't want fandom wank and 'criticism of the show' on my blog because I go into fandom spaces to have fun, not to get angry. So if I'd seen that post, I probably would've just sighed really hard and kept scrolling.

That being said, because this ask touches on a subject matter that is extremely personal to me, I'll bite and share my personal opinion, which is that the writing is perfectly executed exactly as it is. Helluva Boss is a show for a mature audience—it says so at the beginning of every episode. That doesn't just mean "hey, there's sex and drugs in these episodes". It also means, "hey, some heavy themes are going to be handled in this show, and we're not going to hold your hand and walk you through them. It's up to you to use your media literacy and critical thinking skills to pick up on the things we're going to show you".

And maybe it's because I'm an abuse survivor myself and I know exactly what it feels like to go through decades of abuse, and maybe other viewers' interpretation of Stolas' character is completely different, but... I personally had zero trouble picking up on Stolas' motivations, fears, and emotions, or on why he made each decision at each turn throughout the show.

I'll put the rest of my answer under a cut, because it's personal and rambly. But in short: yeah, I do agree with what you said at the end of your ask.

1. "He's more powerful and has a higher status than Stella, so he's inflicting his pain on himself by not standing up to her"

So there's this thing called learned helplessness, and, fun fact, it is heavily linked with PTSD and depression.

"(...) Learned helplessness occurs when someone repeatedly faces uncontrollable, stressful situations and does not exercise control when it becomes available. They have “learned” that they are helpless in that situation and no longer try to change it, even when change is possible." (source)

It's not about the power and capability to control the situation Stolas actually has. It's about the power and control he feels he has—which is none. Zero. He says this to us constantly. "Owl in a cage", "you have no choice", "my entire life's been written in stone, he taught me that I could choose".

He was told since he was a kid that his duties, his marriage, his life trajectory were non-negotiable. He never knew a life outside of his palace—his gilded jail. He doesn't know what we as the audience know—that there's a whole world out there where he can build a better life for himself with people who actually love him—because he's been raised to be a pawn in a game much bigger than himself, and he knows it. I don't need (and don't want) the show to spoonfeed me this fact. It's spelled all over his character if you know how to see it.

2. "Stella's hold of Stolas and his fear of her aren't emphasised enough in the show"

Stella literally tries to hit him at the end of The Circus and looks shocked and taken aback when he grabs her wrist to stop her. I don't need them to show me Stella hitting Stolas 15 times in order to know she's been doing it.

He hugs himself and makes himself small, walking away to remove himself from the situation as quickly and quietly as possible, when Blitz starts yelling at him in The Full Moon. I don't need them to show me Stella yelling at Stolas 20 times to know she's been yelling at him for years. We've seen her yelling at him in Loo Loo Land, in The Circus and in Seeing Stars. We know it happens. We know it always has.

I also don't need them to tell me that repeated physical and verbal abuse causes a victim to become extremely afraid of their abuser and causes them to be triggered by anything and anyone that makes them feel unsafe, because I've lived it in my skin. And I know plenty of people who watch the show who are not abuse survivors, and they're also able to see that Stolas is behaving like any abuse victim exactly with zero support would act.

In the moment, he freezes and flees. He makes himself smaller. He gets away from the situation in any way he can. He "keeps the peace" to keep the abuse to a minimum, doing anything and everything to please the people around him because that's the only way he can feel some semblance of control. ("Yes, if that's what Blitzy wants" / "Do you like it when I talk to you dirty?" / just him sheltering Octavia from his suffering to be the perfect parent for her, and give her everything she could ever want and need, going as far as making promises he couldn't keep).

In the long run, he becomes hopeless and drowns in guilt. He assumes he probably deserves what's happening to him, and thinks it's his own fault that he's so affected by the abuse for being too weak to stand up for himself. He blames himself for not being good enough for the people around him ("I'll believe him, and not the voice that says I'm not enough"), and mentally berates himself for being a coward and a failure, and for not knowing how to put an end to his suffering. He turns to passive (sometimes active) suicidality because that's genuinely the only way he can see of getting back control over his own body and life. ("When I'm gone you'll be okay" / "I'll give my life to clean your slate" / "I don't care what they fucking do, I'm seeing Octavia" / "do it, pussy").

3. Stella's uninvolvement with Octavia makes Stolas' reason to stay with Stella seem very weak

I... Look. I can't be the only one who grew up in a broken family, and surrounded by plenty other broken families. Kids, especially small kids, can't rationalise that family relationships don't always work out and sometimes divorce is the best option for everyone involved. Especially not in this society we live in, where divorce/separation are seen as a failure, and children are (at least passively) taught that divorce is their fault.

Stolas knows all this. He doesn't want Via to feel like she's growing up in a broken house, which is what separating from Stella would accomplish. We also don't know if Stolas would've kept custody of Octavia had he divorced Stella when Via was little. But it's very likely he didn't want to risk leaving Via alone with Stella, even just half the time. Especially not when Octavia has been having nightmares and crying over the mere thought of being abandoned by Stolas. Divorcing Stella would very likely result in Octavia feeling abandoned by him.

I don't know, man. I feel like I don't even have the right words to reply to this point. I still remember being 8 and sensing that something was very wrong with my parents and feeling like it was my responsibility to fix it, or else my world would end. Stolas tried his best to protect Octavia from feeling this way, from feeling responsible for anything that happened between her parents. He just wanted her to be happy. The only way he could do that was by playing 'happy family' in front of her so she could grow up carefree. He tried his best to give her enough love that she wouldn't feel the absence of her mother's love. I really don't know what else to say to this.

If you want media to spoon-feed you its themes and hold your hand as it shows you what each character is going through, then... I don't know, man. Stick to media that does that. There's media out there that genuinely does this really well. Heartstopper, for example. The Hunger Games, in a way. But maybe think twice before diving into adult media meant for mature audiences and criticising it for wanting you to be a mature viewer. Maybe it's just not for you.

Anyway. I'm gonna drink water now, please drink some water too if you're reading this (included, but not limited to, the asker). Hope you all have a nice day ❤️

[dragon-chica]

What's My Age Again?

Sentimental for a moment, but my first birthday to actually celebrate, 23.

Quite a few years ago I saw a picture of someone's "Nobody likes you when you're 23" cake and thought it was so cool, had that pictured saved for years, I wanted my friend to have that cake SO BAD.

I never "wanted" to have that cake because without a shadow of a doubt, I would definitely be dead before then. I would definitely kill myself before then- no question. That was my certainty for over a decade, I would live as long as my dog (because no one would take good enough care of her) and be done. Not a thought I could ever get this cake.

In the last 3 years I lost everything, every bit of the life I always knew was destroyed. But somehow in all that change, I realized, even when my dog died, as miserable as I was, I didn't feel like killing myself.

Now here it is, not the prettiest, not the best, made it myself, but I have my cake. Feels absolutely insane to have gotten here.

[bots-and-cons]

I feel bad that I've been venting so frequently lately, but I don't really have anyone to talk to irl right now. Feel free not to read, but if you do, thanks

I'm feeling so damn overwhelmed. I have so many things I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't seem to get started on any of them. I really should start my swedish course, because it's the last summer course I have. I finished the other two courses last week, but I don't really feel any sense of accomplishment and it fucking sucks. There's apparently not really much to do with the swedish course, because one of my classmates got it done in under an hour, which is fucking weird, because it's a 5 credit course and one credit is supposed to be 27 hours of work. I hope it's actually that easy.

I've been having a lot of really weird and violent nightmares, which is also not fun. Also my intrusive thoughts seem to be sort of coming true in my dreams? In addition to the nightmares, my intrusive thoughts have gotten pretty bad and very violent. That has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and I just keep trying to ignore it. The intrusive thoughts just give me a lot of anxiety, and they scare me pretty bad, especially when I'm around other people. Lately it's also been pretty bad with the whole "kill yourself" thought when something goes wrong. Like I drop a spoon and my brain is immediately like, "omg you're such a failure, kill yourself". I don't understand why, because I'm not suicidal atm, not even close, I'm just stressed and overwhelmed. (I put the tw in the tags anyway though)

I hurt my foot like a month ago, probably a stress fracture or something of that sort, but it's now starting to feel better. I refused to go to the doctor about it, because a) I would have had to walk there and b) they would've most likely blamed it on my weight and hadn't actually done anything to help. I'm not saying my weight has nothing to do with it, of course it does. I'm fat, that's just a fact, but often doctors blame everything on my weight and don't look any deeper. It's fucking infuriating, because I know there's something wrong, but the only advice I get is "you should lose weight". I'm sure that would help some of the stuff that I've got, but some people treat it as some miracle cure.

I'm probably not going to do practical training at all this autumn, because I honestly don't feel like I can. I'm wondering if this whole school thing is really even worth it tbh. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to hold down a full-time job. I would love to be able to work some day, at least part-time, but Idk how realistic that even is.

I've been able to manage school for a year and a half now, and I'm starting to feel pretty burned out. I don't know if I'll make it to next spring without having to take sick leave. I'm honestly fucking scared. I don't want to go into a depressive episode or trigger a more severe psychotic episode again. I've been having some hallucinations lately, and I'm pretty paranoid about a lot of stuff. It's not fun. One thing I've been wondering is what my psychosis actually is? My best guess would be psychotic depression, but I should probably talk about my psych nurse and psychiatrist about it.

I have a hairdresser appointment tomorrow, and I'm kinda nervous, because it's a new place, and I'm gonna have my hair dyed so it's gonna take a while. I'm not very good at spending time at places I don't know or where I haven't been before. The last time I got my hair cut was about a year ago so it's time to do it again. I want my hair shorter again and I decided I wanted to dye it purple. Probably a pretty dark purple because I don't know if I want to have my hair bleached first. Anyway, I feel a bit better having written this out, and I hope I can get an actual fic post out later this week too.

[herofics]

Hi. How are you?

I've feel really suicidal lately so i wanted to ask some angst/confort of dadzawa, please.

His daughter attempts to take her life and he arrives home from patrolling just in time beforw it was too late. And maybe the after math

Thanks, i love your writing, it have really help me to cope in multiple times

A/N: I'm good, thanks for asking :D I’m sorry you’re feeling this way anon, I hope this can help even a little bit. I wanted to write this quickly for you, so I'm posting this already. Thank you for liking my writing, it means a lot to me that I can help people cope.

TW: Suicide attempt and blood

Aizawa was home a couple of hours earlier than usual, because he wanted to surprise you with some of your favorite take-out. He entered the house to find all of the lights off and the house eerily quiet. Had you gone out? You always let him know where you were going, even if he was at work, because he had requested you do so. Aizawa felt like something was wrong, there was this pit in his stomach that just kept growing, the closer he got to the door to your room.

He had turned the kitchen light on when he placed the take-out on the table, but the hallway was still only dimly lit as he walked towards your room. He didn’t see what he was stepping in, but he could feel something soaking his socks as he passed the bathroom door. There was light coming from under the door and he heard the water running. It was odd. As he looked closer, he noticed the water was slightly red. His heart jumped into his throat as he tried the door handle. It was locked. Aizawa didn’t hesitate for a moment as he kicked it down.

That’s where he found you, in the tub, bloody water all around you. He quickly turned off the running water and pulled you out of the tub. There were these deep gashes on both your wrists, that were slowly bleeding you dry. You were clammy and incredibly pale compared to your usual skin tone.

“(Name)!? (Name)?! Please answer me” he begged.

You weren’t moving, and he wasn’t even sure if you were breathing. He pulled his phone out and called for medical assistance, as he held you in his arms. He was trying to put pressure on the wounds on your wrists, to hopefully stem the bleeding. The next four minutes, before the paramedics showed up, were the longest of his life. Watching you slip further and further away was terrifying.

When the paramedics came, Aizawa let them do their job. They lifted you on the gurney and one of them kept working on you as they carted you off to the ambulance. Aizawa got a ride in the back of the ambulance, he was just silently praying you would make it. He didn’t know what he would do if you didn’t. Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children.

When the ambulance got to the nearest hospital, you were quickly taken away, and Aizawa was left standing behind the doors that lead to the trauma center. He walked to the lobby and sat down on one of the chairs, leaning his elbows on his knees and his head on his hands. His hair hung around his face as he stared down at the floor. How could he not have noticed how much pain you were in? How did he not see the signs? Surely he should have noticed. You were his kid, and you’d always been close, so how could he not have seen this coming? He’d been so busy with work lately, both his job as a hero and a teacher. Aizawa blamed himself, who else could he blame?

When you woke up, the first thing you felt was confusion. You looked around, but you felt like you couldn’t focus your eyes. You did notice someone in black clothes and with black hair, snoring away in the armchair next to your hospital bed. You looked at your father and you couldn’t help but tear up. This wasn’t supposed to happen, you didn’t want this to happen, you didn’t want to wake up, so how come you were relieved to still be here? How come, just the sight of your father made you feel so guilty.

Aizawa woke up to sobs coming from your bed. Ironically, it was like music to his ears, to hear your voice again, even if you were crying.

“Good morning angel” Aizawa said, as nonchalantly as he could.

He didn’t want you to think he was angry or disappointed, he just wanted to sound like what he truly felt, heartbroken, scared and confused.

“D-da-dad?” you blubbered.

“I’m here” Aizawa said, taking your hand.

“I’m sosry…” you stumbled over your words, and continued sobbing profusely.

“It’s okay angel, it’s okay” Aizawa attempted to assure you.

You just sobbed for a while as your father held your hand. You didn’t understand how he wasn’t angry, surely he must have been disappointed in you for being weak, for giving up.

“I’m-I’m sorry for being weak, I’m so-sorry for… you know” you sniffled.

“You’re not weak, you were in a lot of pain” Aizawa said sincerely. “I’m sorry for not noticing, I’m your father, I should have been able to tell you were suffering”

“I think you not noticing was kind of the point” you joked dryly.

“Even if you were actively hiding your intentions from me, I should have noticed something. I knew you were in pain, but I had no idea how bad it was” Aizawa sighed, squeezing your hand.

“Can we just not talk about it? It’s not your fault and what’s done is done” you yawned.

“We can not talk about it now, but we’re going to have to talk about this eventually” he emphasized the “now”.

“Yeah, I know…” you sighed. “I’m just tired, I wanna go back to sleep” you lied.

You let go of your dad’s hand and turned your back on him as you laid on the bed. You didn’t want to talk about it, and you didn’t know how to either. How could you explain to someone else how you felt, when you didn’t even know yourself.

“I love you angel, sleep well” Aizawa said, as he leaned back in his chair.

He didn’t want to pressure you, but he wanted to understand. He wanted to know why you would do something like this, but he didn’t know if he would understand, no matter what your explanation. He loved you so much. He remembered the first time he’d held you when you had been born, and the time that had almost been the last, not 24 hours earlier. He would never forget either of those times. The first one filled with such joy and the other with such indescribable fear. No child should die before their parents, and he was just happy you were going to be okay. It was going to be a long road, but you were going to be fine, he knew you were strong, no matter what you thought of yourself. You would keep fighting, and he would be there to help you up when you stumbled. He would walk with you, holding your hand through it all.

[onetomb]

Having an Enemy is good for your mental health I feel like. You’ll be all like “oh em gee I deserve death I’m a failure” and then you can be like “wait even if I deserve death I can’t deserve it more than my Enemy! I should stay alive so I outlive that stupid motherfucker.” And then you don’t die and things get better (hopefully) and when they do die you can celebrate and not want to die anymore

[hyperfixationtimego]

hi um.

I would like to ask for some advice regarding seeking diagnoses for chronic pain. I spent the majority of my first semester at college managing alright, but I’ve recently hit a very very bad rough patch, to the point where even getting myself out of bed to feed myself has been difficult. It has gotten to the point where it’s been decided that I’ll be going back home after the semester ends, meaning……that literally all of this was for nothing, just as I predicted it would be before I enrolled, and just the same as what my only two irl support systems told me wouldn’t happen if I just “tried hard enough.”

I truly do feel like I am at the end of my rope; it has been…..perhaps a decade or so since I’ve truly had any hope whatsoever for my future or for living a life I feel would be worth living, and I’m afraid of having to live with and require support from my mother for longer than necessary, as she alone is already taking care of both my younger brothers as well as my elderly grandmother who suffers from dementia.

I wish I could kill myself, but I can’t. I have no desire to, and that’s the worst part, I think - I feel very trapped and very hopeless. All I can think about is how I’m going to be stuck on this planet, in this body, for perhaps another eighty years, accomplishing nothing.

I am asking for advice. Please tell me what to do, what steps to take - I need to know that this doesn’t have to be how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life.