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Near future or something

I'm doing okay, at least compared to the last vent post lol. I just wanted to give a bit of an update on what's going on and what's probably going to happen in the near future. First of all, I might be taking a bit of a break from writing, at least when it comes to requests. If I get motivated, I'll write, but I've been having major writer's block for about the last week and I can't seem to get any decent writing done. Sure, I finished the multipart fic I was doing on my other blog, but I feel like I cut it kinda short and I could've ended it better.

I'm going to my mom's in a couple of days and I'm gonna probably be there for about a week, and I never really get any writing done when I'm there anyway. My younger sister's birthday party is probably going to be held this coming weekend too, and I really hope they're gonna rent the cabin instead of doing it at home. I'm going to explode if there's gonna be 10 kids running around me for a few hours. I promised to bake something for the party, but I really hope they're not gonna host it at home. My aunt is also coming to visit with a couple of her kids on Thursday when I get to my mom's. So it's probably going to be a busy week when I get there. My younger siblings are also going back to school next week (at least I think it's next week), so I'm probably going to be helping with that too.

I just hope I'm not going to be an unbearable bitch when I get to my mom's because it's going to be the first week of the month and I'm usually pretty irritable during that time. It's probably hormones or something. I don't get periods, because of the pills I take for my PCOS, but I've noticed the pattern of me being the most emotional and irritable when the month begins.

I need to go to the glucose tolerance test or whatever, early this Thursday morning and I'm pretty nervous that they're going to find out that I have diabetes or something. I probably have some insulin resistance because of the PCOS, because it can cause that, but I hope there's nothing serious going on. I'm honestly pretty surprised I haven't been tested for that before, since I'm so fat, but now it's finally happening and I just hope it goes well. I hope I can keep the glucose liquid down at least, so I don't have to do it again.

I'm not going back to uni this fall. I'm going to get sick leave until January , and continue after that. The doctor that called at the beginning of the month and last week, and who's been treating my this summer (so during the more active episode I had), said he'll gladly write me some sick leave, because I seem really stressed and I'm having pretty active psychosis symptoms. I've also been quite depressed and even had a lot of self-destructive urges and suicidal thought. I'm doing better now, but I still have the urges, just not as strong.

I'm hoping that spending time with family and possibly seeing my BFF might make me feel a bit better. I just hope this depression and bullshit goes away again so I can have some peace…

Remember to drink a lot of water, and eat something, this heat fucking sucks lol

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Can I request a tfp scenario where Shockwave creates an imperfect cybertronian reader that looks like bayverse megatron and has a place among the ranks of the cons but is viewed as not a True cybertronian?

A/N: It's been a while, but I wanted to post something here too, since I've mainly been posting on my other blog. I'm having pretty major writer's block when it comes to my Saja Boys fic that I'm working on, so I need to write something else to get that going again lol. I know you wanted a scenario, but I decided to do HCs instead, because I can put more characters into it and it doesn't become super long

When you first came online, you weren't like a blank slate or anything

You didn't exactly have a preset personality, but you had been programmed to be more obedient towards Shockwave, though it only really activates in certain situations

Shockwave had also uploaded a lot of information into your processor already, and because he's a decepticon, a lot of the info is from their perspective/with their biases

You still had to learn a lot of things, like how to transform and how to use your weapons, because you can't be given that kind of "muscle memory" by someone else

Shockwave is proud of his work, he doesn't really care about you now that the work is finished, he just cares that he was able to create you

He does give you regular check-ups to make sure you function properly, but other than that, he doesn't particularly care

Breakdown ends up being the one who teaches you how to fight, with Knockout giving some very snarky commentary on the sidelines

Knockout thinks you're ugly, he doesn't really have other reasons beside that to dislike you

You're also about Megatron's size, which he finds very intimidating, but because you don't have that bad of a temper, he can still be sassy with you

Starscream is probably the one that has the most issue with you not being a "true cybertronian" because he views you more as one of Shockwave's experiments, much like Predaking

He's probably the one that comments on your appearance the most and just generally has a bad attitude with you, because that's just how he is

Megatron doesn't like it if you call yourself a cybertronian, because he does not consider you one and thinks it's offensive that you would think of yourself as one of them

Sure you might be a decepticon, but he didn't give you that title with ease either

Megatron pretty much considers you canon fodder along with the vehicons

Soundwave could not care less how you were created or what you are, as long as you don't get in his way while he's working

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Do you sell any merchandise of your artwork?

Thank you for asking! I'm actually opening my shop to sell some summer-themed KOBD merch featuring these pieces 🏝️🍹🪸🍉🧜‍♂️❣️

They'll be available as acrylic keychains, stickers, and paper coasters on BOOTH starting July 26th at 8 PM (JST)

I hope they catch your interest! 🌺✨

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>:3

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Random Starscream fanart blehh

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Brothers forever <3

Thank you so much @twigs-sprigs for letting me comm you! Amazing art and so so worth the wait <33333

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Venting once again...

First off all, sorry for the like two week hiatus here or whatever. I kinda wanna try to write something for this blog too this week, or at least find some art I can reblog. I've been writing y Saja Boys fic for my other blog, so that's been taking basically all my time. I'm quite enjoying it, but I had to slow down because I was going faster than I could handle. It's very heavily a vent fic, but people seem to like it, so I'm gonna keep it going until I finish it, just gonna try not do too much.

Idk man, venting starts here, tread carefully I guess

I'm not suicidal per se, but I'm tired. Of life, of university, of people. I'm in the middle of summer vacation, I'm supposed to be chilling and having fun, but I'm laying in bed most of the day, writing or just staring at the ceiling, or having a long nap. I don't know why I'm like this. I know I'm like severely mentally ill, but come on. I feel pathetic, and I hate that I can't do the things everyone else can. I know it's because I'm ill, but I can't help but feel like a failure.

I guess I did come down from that week of euphoria/mania pretty hard, but I'm just now realizing it. My BFF thinks I'm still a little manic, but I'm just mostly feeling depressed. I've also been seriously considering self harming again in my worst moments, but I haven't done it, at least not yet. I hope I can just keep writing my vent fic so I don't do that.

I'm getting more and more sure that I'm not going back to uni in the fall. I'm probably gonna have to take sick leave until the end of December, because I can't keep fucking doing this. I can't do six weeks of practical training this fall, I just fucking can't. I can't be a professional who is supposed to help others, when half the time I think someone or something is trying to hurt me, or I need to make myself into some sort of blood sacrifice to get myself a demon boy band who'd love me unconditionally. Yes, it was about Saja Boys. Yes, that happened during my most recent episode… fun. I don't feel like that anymore haven't for over a week, but holy shit wtf?

And what if I start having delusions or paranoia or something related to the clients, I might end up hurting myself or someone else and I wouldn't handle that well. I was already asked once this summer if I'll be okay at home, and I kinda regret saying yes. Maybe a couple of days or a week in a psych ward would've done me some good. I hate being there, but sometimes it's the safest place to be. I don't feel like I need it right now, but a psychiatrist would probably disagree.

I read the entry the doctor made about our call about week ago, and there were like three sentences and literally nothing about any of the serious stuff I mentioned to the psych nurse before hand. I was so messed up by the time the doc called me that I couldn't really explain much, and he didn't really ask me about many of the things I mentioned to the nurse, so I don't fucking know what use it even was, but I'm gonna ask about it when he calls next week. If I remember lol.

I also saw a post that made me fucking cry yesterday. I'm just gonna quite it here because the text was the important part.

"I'll still love you even if you never get better"

"Really?"

"I'll love you even if you get worse"

I don't know if I have anyone like that in my life. Not because the people in my life are bad, a lot of them are amazing and they love me, but I also feel like they're getting tired of dealing with me. I feel like I'm just another reason my mom is tired, the reason why my brothers don't really talk to me unless I initiate it. I don't want to be the reason my little sister learns unhealthy coping mechanisms like hurting herself, because I'm she sees my scars. I cause so many problems just by existing. I don't want to be burden, I don't want to be a bad example to my two youngest siblings. They're only 8 and 11 and I don't want them to learn anything bad from me.

I've been mentally ill since I was a kid. My first major trauma happened when I was 5 years old and and after that it was downhill from there. I just feel like people shouldn't have needed to deal with my shit for 20 years. I just turned 25 a few days ago, and when I was a teen, I didn't think I'd make it to 20. I'm tired. I just want to disappear. If I could die and have no one be sad about it, like if I could just vanish like I never existed, I would.

I don't think I'm an active a suicide risk or anything. I'm just so fucking tired. I'm not doing anything to myself tonight, I'm just going to bed.

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Update, update, update

I know I have only really been posting these complaint posts lately, but oh well. I don't actually feel bad about it this time. I'm on my Saja Boys era, and I'm currently writing the fourth part to the fic I started last weekend, so if anyone's interested in that, go to my other blog @herofics and check it out. Yes, this is a shameless self-promotion, I don't care lol.

Complaining/status update ahead

So I guess I had a more active episode with my psychosis symptoms from last week's Wednesday (2nd of July) to this week's Tuesday (8th of July), because holy shit lol. I got absolutely obsessed with K-Pop Demon Hunters and I still kind of am, but not like in an unhealthy way right now. Since last Saturday, I've written about 11k words worth of Saja Boys fic. I haven't posted it all yet since I'm in the middle of writing the 4th part, but I'm really, really enjoying it. I think I'm gonna try to do longer fics in the future for this blog too, maybe…

Anyway, I did fall from pretty high up with the whole mania/euphoria/obsession thing, but I didn't crash as hard as I thought I would. I'm feeling okay, just tired and can't really get any chores done, but I think that's fine for a few more days. If it continues for longer than that, I'm gonna call my mom and ask if she could come help me.

My psych nurse got back to me on Tuesday, and then a doctor called me too and told me to go get some blood work done, because they wanted to make sure my symptoms weren't from my meds not working. I went to the lab yesterday and this morning I got a text from my psych nurse, saying everything was fine on that front. I still have to go do the glucose tolerance test thing at the end of the month, but that's still a couple of weeks away.

When I was deep in my episode or whatever, I was hallucinating pretty actively and had some very strong delusions, but luckily those didn't last for very long. Or at least they have weakened considerably by now. I'm kinda lucky I got very tired too, because I was seriously thinking of acting according to my delusions, which might not have ended very well for me. Then I was like "I can just do it tomorrow" and went to sleep, and the next day it didn't sound like such a good idea anymore so I didn't do it. So now that I'm looking back on it, it was fucking terrifying how convinced I was about it. I'm still kinda like, "Well it might work, but it's also very much not good for me, so I'm not gonna do it". I didn't tell my psych nurse about it on the phone either, I just sent a text afterwards like "Oh yeah, and this happened too"

The weekend was probably the worst of it, and I started coming down on like Monday evening/Tuesday morning, but all in all, not a very fun experience. Even though I was very euphoric/manic/whatever for a lot of it, I would rather not do that again lol. Idk if that's really in my control, because brain does what it fucking wants apparently, but lets hope.

What's worrying me, is that these episodes seem to have been happening a lot more frequently during the last half a year or a bit more. The episodes are not always the same, but the last two have been these obsession ones and before that it was me just sleeping for like at least 13 hours for a week every night. I might have to take some sick leave this fall, and just do the amount of courses that will allow, because holy shit I'm not doing well.

Also, I haven't contacted my BFF for a week now, and guess fucking what? She has not called or texted me a single time during this whole week. I think I'm gonna try to keep this going for at least another week, unless she texts me first. I'll answer her, but I also think I need to prepare a bigger explanation text about how I've been feeling and stuff.

Stay hydrated, check out my Saja Boys fic on my other blog, and remember to eat something :D

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hey ony, i'm new (🪼 if no one is yet) but i read your recent posts, and i hope you're doing well. if you're not , that's okay, just don't force yourself. i hope your crash is less severe at least , but in any case, take all the time you need to recuperate. take care :-)

Always glad to have new people come and read my stuff. (I like jellyfish, good choice btw) Idk about the crash yet, but I do feel like I'm gonna fall from pretty high up this time, so it's probably not gonna be pretty. I've been obsessively writing a K-pop Demon Hunters fic that has been fun and therapeutic, so that's good, I guess lol. I'll try to take it a bit easier, but I'm on a bit of a high right now for some damn reason, so I'm gonna ride this as far as it goes. We'll see what happens. You take care too :D

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I just wanted to show my Saja Boys fic here too lol, I really enjoyed writing it, so I hope some of you might want to read it :D

Beyond time, part 1

A/N: Mmmm, Saja Boys... I'm gonna do angst, because a lot of the other stuff I've seen has been smut or just purely romantic, but I wanted to do some angst because that's what I love to write. I know this probably isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I enjoyed writing this, so who cares lol. If you want more, shoot me an ask or leave a comment on this. I'm probably gonna do more parts anyway, but it would be nice to hear someone wants them too

Pairings: Saja Boys x f!reader

Warnings/contents: Self-harm by cutting, suicidal ideation, depression, soulbound to the Saja Boys, comfort at the end (not really in this part), not really canon compliant when it comes to the timeline

Synopsis: You've always felt like there was something missing from your life. The emptiness had been clawing at your chest even more the past couple of years, but you'd been trying to ignore it. You'd been trying to survive, but you weren't sure if you could anymore. That's when you met them, and you realized what you'd been missing all your life.

Word count: 3.8k

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They each felt it the second they stepped into the human world. The bond. It was faint, but it was there. They were standing on top of some tall building, looking down into the city.

"I can feel her" Mystery inhaled, as if trying to catch your scent in the wind. "She's out there, waiting for us"

"The bond is still weak, we need to find her" Romance said impatiently. "Claim her"

"How do you suppose we do that? Start knocking on doors and see who answers? We'll recognize her when we see her, but we can't locate her through the bond, it's too weak" Jinu sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

He wanted to find you just as much as the others, he was just better at keeping a cooler head.

"So we'll do what we came here to do. We get famous and make her see us. She might not know us yet, but her soul will. She can't deny our bond" Baby said.

"Yeah, we'll have her in our arms again" Abby said, as if it was a promise.

"Let's get to work" Jinu said, before the boys disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke.

You didn't know why, but something woke you up in the early hours of the morning. You looked at your phone for the time, 3.43. Why the fuck were you waking up at 3.43? You placed your phone back on the nightstand and tried to go back to sleep, but the sleep never came, so you just ended up tossing and turning until you had to get ready for your university lecture.

You pulled on some clean sweatpants and a sports bra, before throwing on a slightly used hoodie. You looked at yourself in the mirror. There were bags under your eyes, your hair was kind of messy and you noticed a stain on your hoodie.

"Dammit" you said as you pulled the hoodie off and threw it into the overflowing hamper. You really should do some laundry.

You found another hoodie, it wasn't one of your favorites but it was clean, so it would do. You grabbed your laptop from the table and shoved it into your backpack, along with the charger. Another day of university studies, another day of surviving. Was all this even really worth it? What was waiting for you in the future? More loneliness? More of this gnawing emptiness that had been inside you for as long as you could remember? You pressed your forehead against the cool wall of your apartment before inhaling and exhaling deeply. A four hour lecture, that's all it was, you could do it, then it would be the weekend and you would be free to just sleep and not do anything. You grabbed your backpack, put on a pair of old, comfortable sneakers and left the apartment.

When your lecture was over, you felt like you were about to just fall over as you walked home. You stopped at a corner store to get yourself an energy drink, just so you would make it home. You didn't really like the taste but you could use the caffeine. As you stepped out of the store, something caught your attention. Music. People were gathering on the other side of the open square and for some reason you couldn't resist looking over. You weren't sure why, you wouldn't normally care. Usually you just wanted to get home as soon as possible, but there was something about it that felt like it was calling to you. So you listened. It wasn't the lyrics, no it was the voices that were singing. There was something so magnetic about them. You couldn't help it, you pushed through the crowd of people to get as close as you could. You were in the middle of the crowd as the song ended, and as you looked up, you saw five unbelievably gorgeous men standing on top of a stage shaped like a soda can, and they were all looking at you.

For some reason that shocked you out of your trance. The way they were looking at you wasn't like strangers look at each other. You turned on your heels, your heart bounding in your chest even though you hadn't even started running yet.

"Saja Boys love you!" was the last thing you heard before hurrying off.

As the boys disappeared from the stage and materialized nearby, they all had to support themselves on the alley walls. It was like the strength had left their bodies the second they saw you.

"It was her" Abby said quietly. "We need to go after her!"

"And do what? The way I'm feeling right now… I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off her" Romance hissed.

"I know the feeling" Jinu muttered.

"We'll find her. You can feel it too, right? The bond, it's just a bit stronger now" Mystery smirked.

As you closed the front door to your apartment, your legs gave out and you just fell to the floor. What the hell was that? Who were they? Why were they looking at you like that? Like you were the most important thing in the whole world to them? No one had ever looked at you like that, not your parents, not your friends, certainly none of the people you'd dated before. So why did they?

Your chest ached. It was like something was pulling your heart out through your ribcage. Like your heart was being pulled towards something… or someone. You just sat there for a moment, before you gathered yourself and got up from the floor.

"Okay, maybe I've just finally lost it, and maybe I'm having a heart attack on top of that? Like I don't have enough to deal with already" you muttered as you paced back and forth in your small apartment.

The energy drink you'd drank wouldn't let you sleep for a while more. You'd always been kind of sensitive when it came to caffeine, but at least it did it's job and kept you awake, sometimes a bit too long. Well at least you could do some of your course work now.

"With the power of caffeine, everything is possible" you muttered as you grabbed your laptop.

You got a bit immersed in your work, and before you even knew it, it was already past six in the evening and your caffeine boost was gone. Now you felt like you were about to fall over, again. At least you could finally go to sleep and not have to think about anything. You quickly made yourself a sandwich, realizing you'd only eaten lunch hours earlier. After you were done eating, you went to take a quick shower and brush your teeth. Then you just fell face first into bed and curled up under the covers. Sleep took you quickly, dragging you under, deep into a dream.

"I wonder how she's doing…" Romance said, sitting on the couch in their apartment.

"We have no way of knowing. The bond isn't strong enough yet" Jinu sighed, staring out the window, leaning against the thick glass.

"We could have just followed her home" Baby said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Agreed" Abby nodded.

"She would have been creeped out, she can feel it when we're close by" Mystery said.

"She belongs to us, she doesn't need to be scared of us" Romance rolled his eyes.

"But she doesn't remember us, we're total strangers to her. Of course she would be scared" Jinu let out a pained sigh.

Jinu knew it was his responsibility to keep the others in line, but the longer they spent in the human world, the stronger the bond became, the harder it got. He felt it too of course, the pull, the bond that tethered all five of them to you. At this point it had been almost a hundred years since you last appeared. A hundred years of that emptiness that had been eating away at all of the them… but now you were here again. They got another chance. A chance to protect you, to love you, to make sure history wouldn't repeat itself. He would never let you go again, and he knew the others felt the same. You would never be alone again.

You woke up before nine in the morning, probably because you'd gone to sleep so early. You grabbed your phone from your night stand and opened tiktok. The first post you saw was about them, the Saja boys, so was the second one, and the third. You saw something about a variety show they were going to be in later that same day.

"Am I being haunted? By a boy band?" you muttered, but the thought also made you chuckle a bit.

It was just a coincidence, you assured yourself, or some weird joke from the universe. No matter what it was, it wouldn't change anything. Sure their song was catchy, maybe it would even give you a few molecules of serotonin, but your life was just as miserable as before they appeared. In addition, now you had this weird ache in your chest, this pull, like your heart wanted to go somewhere. Like there was somewhere it wanted to be, needed to be. You'd never felt anything like it before.

"Maybe I really am losing my mind" you sighed, only half joking, as you got up from bed.

For some reason you were feeling a bit better than the day before. Maybe you could get some of your laundry done today. You put on some random new music playlist, and the first song that came on was "Soda pop".

"Of course" you rolled your eyes, but a small smile crept on your lips.

You got most of your chores done, made yourself lunch, cleaned some more and made dinner so you could eat it while watching the variety show. You settled on the couch and watched the show. You'd seen the show a couple of times before, always with different quests, and it was usually pretty fun to watch. This time however, you couldn't take your eyes of the screen. Saja Boys… they were certainly… something. You couldn't really explain it, they were attractive, sure, anyone could see that, but you felt like it was more than that. There was just something about them, something magnetic. It felt like they were calling to you. It felt wrong, but somehow so right.

It was almost like they could feel you watching during the show. The bond was pulling you towards them just as much as it was pulling them towards you. It was like electricity under their skin. Something old, something they'd never forgotten but hadn't actually felt in a hundred years. Your existence wasn't just a whisper anymore, not a promise in the wind, but an actual tangible thing, and all of them wanted you. Not a single one of them wanted to wait, they wanted to search every corner of the city, until they found you and had you in their arms again.

After the variety show, when the screen turned off and the boys were gone, you felt it again. That emptiness, that same void that had been with your for years now. It wasn't always this bad, but somehow tonight was worse. On top of that you felt so confused. What was wrong with you? Was this some kind of weird, over the top celebrity crush? Why did you feel like this? You didn't like feeling like this, in fact you hated it.

The tears started stinging your eyes as you marched to your night stand and opened the top drawer. You'd been good about it, you hadn't touched them for weeks, but now… You pulled a new razor blade from the package and sat down on the edge of your bed. You dragged the blade across your wrist, just slightly, but enough for it to leave a crimson streak behind. You didn't know why you were doing this again. You just felt so messed up. There was something wrong with you, had to be.

The boys had just materialized back into their apartment, when they all felt it. Their chests tightened. It felt like there was something wrong with the bond, like it was bleeding, breaking. There was something wrong, something was happening to you.

"She's in pain" Baby said, his nails digging into his palms.

"Is someone hurting her?" Abby snarled, barely able to contain his anger.

"I think… She's hurting herself…" Mystery whispered, and the other four froze.

"Why would she do that?" Romance hissed, he wasn't angry at you, he hated himself for not being there for you, not being able to stop whatever it is you were doing and feeling.

The others felt the same.

"She must feel it too. The emptiness that we feel when we're not near her" Jinu said, his voice filled with pain, with guilt. "It's probably harder for a human to bear"

The bond pulsated again, stronger this time. It was like it wanted them to follow it, like it needed them to protect you from yourself.

"We can find her now, so let's go" Baby growled.

They all shared looks before disappearing in clouds of pink smoke.

You considered it, for a moment you really did. You positioned the blade along your wrist, but you didn't move it. If you died, there was no one to miss you. No one would find your body until the smell of rot and decay started spreading into the hallway. There were no friends, no parents who called to check on you. No one would care. You could just leave, fade away. Suddenly, something in your chest shifted, it was that pull again, but it was different this time. It felt like something was getting closer, like there wasn't as much distance between you and whatever this bond was pulling you towards. Maybe it meant you were ready, maybe you really could leave. You pressed the blade into your wrist and closed your eyes. You were just about to move it when you heard a choir of "No!"s and "Stop!"s fill the room.

Abby got to you first, he snatched the blade out of your hand quickly and carefully, almost hitting Baby with it as he threw it to the side. He pressed his palm on the cut and squeezed your wrist so no more blood would flow out.

You opened your eyes, and saw a pair of golden eyes looking back at you. You didn't understand what was happening. You looked around in panic and saw five men around you, one squeezing your wrist so much it almost hurt, the other four looking like the love of their life just died. All of them were looking at you with those golden eyes. Even though their eyes were different, you recognized them, the Saja Boys.

Had you really died and gone to heaven? There was no other explanation for this.

"Romance, go get something we can clean her wound with and something to patch her up" Jinu commanded.

"Where the hell am I supposed to get those?" Romance growled taking a step closer to you.

"Raid a pharmacy or something, you need to cool your head. Now!" Jinu hissed at him, stepping between you and Romance.

Romance didn't want to go, they'd just found you again and now Jinu was telling him to leave? He would never hurt you, Jinu knew that, so why was he telling him to leave?

"You're starting to slip, if she sees your demon form now, she's gonna lose it" Jinu whispered, looking over his shoulder and back at you.

You looked terrified and confused already, and Romance wasn't helping the situation.

"Fine" he said and vanished.

What the hell was going on? Was your arm supposed to hurt if you were dead? Surely not. So you must not have been dead, and you were hallucinating, because how else could the Saja Boys have been in your apartment?

Your life wasn't in danger, Baby knew that, but the fact that you'd done this to yourself? It frustrated him to no end, at least if it had been someone else, there would have been someone he could've gotten revenge on, but it was you. You had been hurting yourself, and he couldn't for the life of him understand why. Baby picked up the razor blade from the floor and snapped it in half. You wouldn't ever do this to yourself again. Even if he had to watch you for the rest of your life, he would never let you do something like this again.

Abby was still holding your wrist, but his mind was somewhere else, somewhere in the past. Your blood, staining his hands again. Him not being able to stop it.

"Ow" you winced as Abby squeezed your wrist harder without realizing it.

That snapped him out of it. He let go of your wrist and you pulled back, pressing your arm to your chest, staining your light blue shirt slightly crimson on the spot where the wound touched it.

"I'm-I'm sorry" Abby muttered, taking a step back. He'd hurt you. He didn't mean to, but he still had.

Romance returned with the bandages and saline and pushed past Abby. He knelt down in front of you but his hands were shaking as he looked at you, and the anger surged again. Anger for himself, for not being there to stop you before you could do something like this to yourself.

"Let me" Mystery said.

Romance just stared at you for a moment, before moving out of the way and setting the bandages and saline on the nightstand.

"Give me your arm" Mystery said, offering you his hand.

You didn't really understand what was going on, but you did as you were told. For some reason, you knew it would be okay. You were still scared and very confused, but something had changed the second you saw them. The void inside you, it had gotten smaller and the pull in your chest had calmed. It was them, they were what your soul desired, needed.

Mystery couldn't help but sigh in relief as you let him clean your wound. It wasn't that deep, thank the gods, but he could see dozens and dozens of scars littered all the way up your arm, and disappearing under your shirt sleeve. Some older, some newer. Some only faint, but some darker, deeper. It was clear to him you must have been doing this for years. If only they hadn't been stuck in the demon realm. If only they'd gotten out sooner, maybe they could've stopped this from happening.

Mystery didn't say anything, he just bandaged your wounds, but you could see how tense he was. Like it hurt him to see you like this. You looked around, and noticed they were all staring at you with similar expressions. So much pain in their eyes. Was it because of you? Had you done this to them? To these strangers, that your soul seemed to know oh so well.

"Does it hurt?" Mystery asked as he wrapped the last bandage around your arm.

"No" you muttered, pulling your hand back.

"You don't need to lie to us" Romance said softly, having now calmed down. "We can feel it"

"Do you mean… I hurt you?" you asked, tears starting to sting your eyes again. You couldn't bear the thought

"No, angel no. He just means we can feel it when you're hurting. It's… complicated" Jinu assured.

"I-I don't know what's going on. Why do I feel like this? Why do you guys feel like home?" you weren't even sure what you were saying anymore.

You were so exhausted and now that the shock was wearing off, you felt like you were about to crash. You started feeling light headed. The boys noticed you were having difficulty keeping your eyes open.

"Are you feeling okay, angel?" Jinu asked.

"I-I don't- I don't know" you stuttered.

"She needs sleep, the bond flaring and all this" Baby motioned at his band mates. "Was probably too much for her to handle at once"

"Go the sleep darling, we'll keep you safe" Romance smiled softly.

You just nodded tiredly, and laid down as Mystery pulled the covers over you. Everything would be normal in the morning. You would go back to your lonely life, but you would probably never forget the look in those golden, needy, yearning eyes. It had been a nice dream, but that's surely all it was. You curled up under the covers, holding your bandaged arm to your chest.

Abby had washed his hands in the kitchen sink, but it felt like he couldn't get the blood off. Your blood, that same crimson stain he'd tried to get rid of for the last hundred years, on his hands, again. He never wanted that to happen again, he never wanted to hurt you, but he had. It's not like he was the one who'd made you bleed, but he still hurt you.

"Well she fell asleep quickly" Romance said as the boys gathered around your bed.

"She must have been exhausted" Jinu smiled sadly.

"Why would she do this to herself?" Baby asked, looking at you with his brows furrowed.

"It's our fault, if we'd just been here…" Abby trailed off.

"We're here now, and she's never getting hurt again, not by anyone" Jinu vowed.

"At least one of us should be with her at all times" Mystery said, and the others nodded.

When you woke up the next day, or more precisely noon, your chest didn't ache anymore. You stretched as you sat up and noticed the bandage on your wrist. You hadn't done that, you were sure of that. When you looked around the room, you noticed someone sitting on your couch, someone with very broad, muscular shoulders and short pink hair. Abby?

"What the fuck?" you whispered.

You really were being haunted by a boy band.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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I don't really expect anyone to read this tbh, I just wanted to vent lol

Well fuck… I'm obsessing over KPDH, like hard. It's giving me brain worms and like an actual, mild headache. By brain worms I mean it feels like there's literally something moving in my brain every time I listen to the music from the movie or look at fanart, etc. At the same time it's kinda this weird euphoric feeling, so I don't really want to stop either. I don't know if I even could, because I have such an obsession going on right now. I got like this with Bleach a couple of months back too, and I think I just have to get this out of my system. Idk how I'm gonna do that but we'll see. Maybe I need to write a Saja Boys fic or something lol. I'm basically listening to the songs on repeat, "Your Idol" is probably the one I listen to the most, because that fic I read yesterday has not left my brain. For fucks sake this obsession bullshit makes my life really hard sometimes, because it makes it hard for me to do anything else. For most of today I've been looking at fanart, collecting them in my private fanart folder and looking at them. I've also been listening to the songs from the movie, and tomorrow I'm probably watching it for the third time. I think I'm gonna be rereading the fic too, because it was just delicious lol

Aside from the whole obsession/weird euphoria thing from KPDH, I'm honestly feeling kinda miserable. It might just be the hormones, or the autistic burnout, or the fact that I'm kinda on new meds since the injection started. The injection has the same active pharmacological substance as the pills, aka aripiprazole, which is mainly used in treating schizophrenia. Which I don't actually have a diagnosis for. I have a lot of the symptoms, have had for years and the next time I see my psych nurse I'm gonna ask if I could get tested for schizoaffective disorder/schizophrenia, because I would like a name for whatever the fuck is going on, so I can adapt better.

I found the old pics of my diary again and there's a ton of psychosis symptoms from back in 2018 and 2019 and from then on. They were scattered among the daily notes. Things like, "cameras in inanimate objects" "hearing my name being called in movies, songs, etc." "I can predict the future" and a whole lot more. I've also got a lot of mentions of sensory issues, seeing and hearing things. I remember seeing angels at that night church thing I went to. I remember having that one "guy" following me for months before I finally had a big psychotic break. He wasn't really scary, he was mostly just angry at me, or that's what I remember thinking, at least. I found a description of him in the pics of my old diary too. I have a lot of clarity about my past delusions and stuff, but I can't really point at anything that's going on right now.

I talked to my mom a few weeks back about how I don't know what to tell anyone about my current psychotic symptoms, because I don't know what they are. The hallucinations are probably the easiest to spot at least sometimes. Mostly because I only really have one reoccurring one at the moment. I see cats in peripheral vision. Going under my bed, turning the corner away from me or walking past me. I don't have a cat, so I know it's not real when I'm at my apartment. When I'm at my mom it's more difficult, because they have cats. It causes me some panic when I'm downstairs and see a cat, because they live upstairs and only come downstairs when the dog is outside. The dog will try to eat them, hence the panic when I see them downstairs when the dog is inside. I don't really know any other symptoms, because no one else has pointed them out to me. I know I do some weird stuff but it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary, maybe kinda childish, but not psychotic, at least in my opinion. I have way too much self-awareness sometimes, and I have a lot of insight into what's going on in my head, but it's hard when I can't really trust what I think sometimes.

Idk man, my feelings are a fucking mess, and my hormones being all wacky isn't helping either. I wanna cry for a couple of hours, or listen to more KPDH music and have brain worms and that weird euphoria. Idk, I'm feeling kinda unstable and it's the weekend, so I can't even call/text the temp psych nurse that's my contact while my usual psych nurse is on summer vacation. That has to wait until Monday I guess. I just hope nothing happens during the weekend. These euphoria/mania/obsession episodes usually happen before a bigger crash. A few months ago it was me finally admitting the autistic burnout and pretty much crashing out for a while. Now I feel like it might be a bigger psychotic break or a bad depressive episode or something. I hope it's nothing, but I feel like it is, maybe it's just paranoia or some shit, but we'll see…

[bots-and-cons]

Holy fuck...

Some of this is gonna be me complaining, and some is going to be gushing about K-pop Demon Hunters. So lets start with that.

Oh my god, KPDH is such a good movie. I've watched it twice in the three days I've had Netflix, and I think I might watch it a couple more times before the end of the month when my subscription ends. The music? Amazing. The animation? Great. It was so much fun to watch, and it also made me cry a lot. I'm blaming the crying on hormones though, because I always get very emotional for the first week-ish of the month, lol. I wholeheartedly recommend the movie. K-Pop Demon hunters is probably one of my favorite movies I've seen in recent years. If you haven't watched it yet and have access to it, I do really recommend it. Some other good animated movies I've seen in the last couple of years are the animated Spiderverse movies, Nimona, ROTTTMNT: The Movie, Suzume, JJK 0 and Ultraman Rising. KPDH has gotten me to read some fics again and I just basically inhaled a really fucking good Saja Boys x reader fic, or at least the three parts that are published atm, (you can find the first part here and I think the other parts are linked at the top of it). I don't often read smutty stuff but goddammit I couldn't resist lol.

On to the complaining now.

So, I'm having some problems with my BFF... again. I was at my mom's for most of June. About 10 days at the beginning of the month and about 10 days at the end of the month. The time in between I was at my apartment, and now I'm here again. I'm probably gonna be at home for all of July and most of August. THe point of that explanation was the timeline or something. Me and my BFF had made plans for 1st of June, to make some food and drink together, since I would've had the house at my mom's all to myself. My mom lives much closer to my BFF than I do, so it's easier for her to get there than to my apartment. Not that she has ever even really made the effort to try and come here, but oh well, I'm not bitter...

Anyway, the 1st of June plans didn't end up happening because she promised to dog sit for her mom instead. I'm starting to feel like she always has a reason for not seeing me, but a lot of them are starting to feel like excuses. Also, I'm pretty sure she hasn't started a single text conversation with me for the last month, I always have to text her first, and most of the time she's too tired to even text. I get that she's tired, but when she needs something, I'm always there for her, but I feel like she's never there for me anymore.

The last ten days of June that I was at my mom's, I was busy for like half of them. I went to see my grandparents, and then my mom, my younger brother and I went to a medieval fair and a craft fair in Turku. We stayed in a hotel overnight and went to explore on two different days. I also went to a museum, I don't really get the art stuff, but the historical stuff was pretty cool. Thank god I'm a uni student, I get a lot of discounts from a lot of places. But yeah, my BFF wasn't able to come see me during those ten days either, mostly because she was too tired.

And I get that, I'm in autistic burnout currently myself and she has ADHD and probably depression, but for fuck's sake. If you don't want to come, or know you just can't or are too tired, just fucking say it. She keeps going back and forth with "I'm coming tomorrow" and "I can't come" like five times the day before and I fucking hate it. I hate getting false hope like that, because I really miss her, I haven't seen her since April and I feel like she just doesn't care. I think I might just write her a long ass message, explaining all my feelings and how her actions or lack thereof annoys me so much.

I'm incredibly bad at confronting people or dealing with conflict, so it's really hard, because I know she's probably gonna get pissy with me. I can express myself pretty well in text, but talking is much harder for me. Especially right now because my hormones are all wacky.

I think I'm gonna have to try to make some new friends at the youth mental health recovery workshop thingy. I'm so fucking lonely sometimes it's unbearable. I want to talk to someone face to face. I want a friend that likes the same things as me that I can gush about anime or manga with or something. My BFF and I don't actually have much in common on the interests department, so it's frustrating when I can't talk to her about Minecraft or music I like or new shows I've watched. I just want someone that gives me back the same energy I give them. I'm tired tbh.

I started on an Abilify injection a couple of weeks ago and I'm now officially off the pills. When you start the injections, you still have to take the pills for a couple of weeks after so the medication levels get balanced or something. I'm feeling pretty good on that front, but I'm scared of when fall comes. Idk if I can go back to uni tbh. The whole thing terrifies me, but we'll see how it goes.

Thanks if you read, remember to stay hydrated and eat something too :D

[bots-and-cons]

Hello!! Could i get some platonic Hcs of autobot Knock Out with a human charge please? Kind of like how arcee, bulkhead and bumblebee were each paired up with a human. Thanks!!

A/N: I have some other autobot!Knockout stuff too, they can be found here and here. Idk if this is anything, but I just wanted to post something

He had just joined the autobots, so being put in charge of the safety of a human, wasn't exactly something he felt he was ready for

You'd been with the autobots for a while, even before Knockout defected from the decepticons, but you hadn't been assigned a guardian, because Optimus and Ratchet were too busy, and the three others already had a charge

So Knockout got the job, even though he didn't really have any experience with humans and he was very nervous about the whole thing

For example, he had no idea that humans had to eat and drink so often, like multiple times a day

Honestly, at first Knockout kind of took the whole thing as taking care of a pet, rather than just keeping you safe, so he went way overboard with everything

You had to explain to him that he's not responsible for your every day needs, like food, but that your safety was his responsibility

He realized pretty quickly that you're your own person and that you don't need him to take care of you all the time

He's pretty awkward when it comes to you, but you mostly just find it funny

The awkwardness comes from the fact that a lot of the time he had absolutely no idea what to do

As you both get used to the situation and get to know each other better, things get easier and a lot less awkward

You actually become good friends and Knockout knows basically everything that's going on in your life

He's a huge gossip, but only with you, so he doesn't actually share what you tell him with anyone else

When Knockout has to protect you, most of the time it's him driving away from danger with you at very high speeds

He would like to avoid fighting at all costs, because he knows he's not very good at it, but he will keep you safe

[bots-and-cons]

After enough scientific study and deduction, I can say for certain that Soundwave’s mandibles are for cracking open cold ones 🙂‍↕️ he needs to take a little bit of the edge off too yknow 🙄 with all that he does…. Starscream get him another beer and cig NOOWWW 💥💥💥💥

[bots-and-cons]

Starscream could be having the whooping of his lifetime and Soundwave would just be somewhere in the background like this ngl 💔💔 acting like it’s none of her business (good for her tbh); yeah this is the mandatory every now and then tfp Soundwave cuz I had to confront myself over the act I’ve been avoiding drawing him just cuz I was lazy 🙄 and also that I had no ideas

[bots-and-cons]

Have you ever played or seen subnautica? Just imagine Optimus and Megatron's reactions to a human reader who has some pet leviathans. Like, They gotta find a large relic in the ocean, so the reader is just like, "Oh! Let me call one of my bois for help! *clears throat* "Luci! Come here, my precious baby bean!" *Gargantuan leviathan comes out of the water*

A/N: I've never played Subnautica, but I have seen some clips of it, or at least I'm pretty sure. Idk if this ended up being any good, but at least I had fun writing it lol

~Megatron~

Megatron was waiting for you on the beach, and there was clearly something big in the water

Whatever it was, it seemed like it was waiting for something

Megatron kept an eye on it, because something so big couldn't possibly be harmless and the fact that it was lurking right under the surface, made him feel a bit uneasy

He was so focused on keeping an eye out, that when you finally got there, he didn't even notice at first

You had to talk to get his attention, and when you approached the water, he snatched you up because "It's not safe"

You ask him what he's talking about, and he tells you there's something ginormous in the water

You chuckle and tell him it's nothing to worry about, it's just your pet

Megatron blinked a few times, because how in the name of Primus could a small, fragile human have tamed something that big

You get your diving gear on and just tell Megatron to follow you into the water

The beach you're at, gets deep very quickly and there's just a sheer drop about 35 meters away from shore

Megatron follows you into the water, he just walks on the ocean floor, because a big ass hunk of metal such as him doesn't just float

When you're deep enough, Megatron finally sees what was in the water and the creature is like ten times bigger than he originally thought

He's immediately ready to fight this thing, but you get in between him and your little pet and motion for the leviathan to come closer

It reaches its tentacle towards you and you give it a little pet

Megatron is of course suspicious of this thing, but if it's gonna help him get an edge against the autobots, he doesn't really care that much

~Optimus Prime~

Optimus was aware you had some kind of plan on how to get to the relic as quickly as possible, but he was not aware of what it was

So when he got to the beach and you were sitting on a very odd looking rock near the shore, he asked what you had in mind

You told him "Luci's gonna help us. Right Luci?" you asked and patted the rock you were sitting on

The rock started moving and Optimus realized it was actually a giant tentacle

It brought you to shore and you told Optimus that "Luci" would take him to the relic

Optimus had to ask "And what exactly is Luci?"

You told him that Luci was your pet and a leviathan, and it knew exactly where he was supposed to go to get the relic

Luci happens to a bit of a hoarder, and has collected many items from the ocean, the relic being one of them

You know where its nest is, so when the relic's location showed up on the map, you knew it was there

You couldn't go with Optimus, because even if you went by boat and had enough air, the pressure most definitely wouldn't be good for you

Optimus is quite intrigued by this leviathan creature, because he wasn't aware anything organic could be this big, at least on earth

He is being cautious, but since you seem to trust the creature, he does too

When you tell Luci it's time to go, it grabs Optimus with one of its tentacles and off they go