#but man im tired and burnt out
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i’m starting hosaf wish me luck getting through this brick thank u
#I don’t want to go back to the acotar world but here we are gjsjfjs#thankfully after this I’ll#be done until i reread tog in order to get to koa finally#but man im tired and burnt out#ooc.#shelley reads.
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#gamers dont you love it when a friend breaks your heart#smashes every olive branch you extend toward them#accuses you of being the asshole when you fall apart about it#acts like they are sorry#and then just fully ghosts you 100%?#i am so fucking tempted to just give up man.#every time i meet someone and im like#''oh wait they seem normal? not hyperindividualistic? like someone who will like me always not just when im happy?''#''someone who wants to be my FRIEND not just a person in a discord call with me??''#and then i spread myself so fucking thin investing energy into the friendship#(which this person admitted wasn't even ENOUGH like i am SO EXHAUSTED from traumatic abandonment#and losing friends suddenly#that even me working at my MAXIMUM CAPACITY makes people feel like i don't like them)#every fucking time.#nothing turns out different. no matter how much work i put into it#the SECOND a person has the chance to abandon me. they will.#i am just sitting here with two forces inside of me#one who never wants to give up on love and friendship#and another who is so tired#i wish i could just be exhausted and burnt out#and someone or several someones. would love me anyways. love me enough that EVENTUALLY#i will grow my heart back#and i can love them threefold for all the love they showed me#but no one wants me even when i do have the energy to be a good friend so why the fuck would anyone want me like this#dude i am so sad i wasn't meant to live like this i was meant to make friends. close friends.#i just keep re-reading our last conversation before he ghosted me. maybe if i read it enough i can change the ending
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semester is almost over. im dying
#my oc#rune#mori#i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing#even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED#i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately#trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day#and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom#a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere#and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man#i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH#but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week#this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail#and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont#i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i#how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project#my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that#so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work#because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it#but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO#anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again
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Dragon's Tongue
��� Nebarra x human!LDB, ft. Xelzaz & Khash ✧ Fluff, minor angst; 1300+ words ♫ "You And I (Stripped)" - PVRIS ✒ Something short n sweet today, I'm feeling soft
Nebarra was loath to admit it to himself, and he'd die before ever saying it aloud, but the Rift really was beautiful. Nothing compared to Alinor, to be sure, but... all the gold reminded him of home. And when he passed by a small, isolated farm, he could almost see himself on its porch, see his brother leaning against the door.
The illusions were younger, happier versions of themselves. So much more innocent, faces bright with naivety, eyes shining with plans for the future.
And then he'd gone to war.
He'd lost... so much of himself, in the deserts of Hammerfell. They had scorched and burned him inside and out, slowly bleeding him dry with every comrade he saw fall. And all that, for what? For all the Altmer's supposed superiority, the campaign had failed on all fronts – Hammerfell's walls and people defied them, and Cyrodiil remained in power, weakened but still unbroken.
How could the Thalmor still strut about, arrogant to Aetherius and back, when they had failed so miserably? How could they look at the faces of the families whose children and lovers they'd sent to die and only tell them they'd "served their purpose"?
Nebarra couldn't.
He couldn't face them at all. Not even through pen and paper, leagues away from ever having to look them in the eyes, ever having to see the pain and loss in their gaze.
Where the Thalmor were heartless, he was a coward.
And he didn't know which was worse.
~~~
Night fell, and you called the group to halt, to make camp until dawn. Nebarra set up the tent as you argued with Xelzaz, trying to convince him that no, he shouldn't summon a flame atronach and then kill it for its fire salts, no matter how good it would make dinner taste. Khash merely looked on, muching on some clover she'd picked up somewhere.
At last though, you got Xelzaz to relent, though he asked you to gather some herbs in exchange, listing off the plants he wanted you to find.
"Ah... and take Nebarra with you."
The elf froze. Turned slowly towards the lizard. Demanded, "What? Why?"
"Two eyes are better than one," he shrugged, "and that much safer, as well. We don't know what's out there, and I'm pretty sure we passed a necromantic altar on our way here."
At that, you groaned, head rolling back like a teenager who'd just been told to do their chores. "Gods, not another one. Why do we always seem to run into those?"
"Luck of the Dragonborn? Anyway, off with you now – I have to get set up. Let's see, in whose pack did I leave my cooking pot...? Khash! Come help me with this!"
And just like that he walked off, leaving you and Nebarra alone by the campfire. A chuckle escaped you, and he glanced over to see you shaking your head. "I'm surprised he didn't tell us to hold hands, too, so we don't lose each other in the dark."
"Yeah, I'm not holding your hand," Nebarra snarked. And it was true. Absolutely true. Totally, one-hundred percent true.
"Oh wow, Nebs, that one almost hurt." Your soft laugh seemed to echo in his ears, his mind. "Come on, let's go – I don't suppose you heard any of the plants he wants?"
Blue and yellow mountain flowers, to restore and fortify. Purple for rejuvenation, and to give to Khash. Scaly pholiota for fiber and strengthening. Wild gourds and dragon's togue for flavour.
He snorted from behind his helm. "That would require paying attention to him."
"Should have known," you sighed. "Alright, listen up before I forget: blue, yellow, and purple mountain flowers, scaly pholiota, and dragon's tongue. And be careful with the purple mountain flowers, they're gifts for Khash. Oh, he also wants some wild gourds. Got it?"
"...Yeah, yeah. Let's just get going."
He definitely hadn't feigned ignorance just to hear your voice some more. Definitely not.
~~~
"Ah, back at last! Perfect," Xelzaz said, stirring something in a pot over the fire. "Now I can get the real meal started."
"Then what's this?" Nebarra demanded as Xelzaz handed him a bowl, in exchange for the plants the Altmer carried. Even through his gauntlets he could feel its warmth, and a rich, savory scent drifted up through the slits of his helmet.
"Something amazing, from the smell," you sighed, and Nebarra didn't have to look to know you were drooling.
"Just a little sometime to hold you over," the Argonian demurred, handing you a bowl as well. "Thought I'd experiment with some of the flora I've gathered thus far."
That gave Nebarra pause. "Wait – experiment? That's settled, I'm not eating this."
"If you don't want it–"
Your words were drowned out by Khash's eager shout of, "I'll eat it! I'll take your bowl!" She rushed over to him, red eyes trained on the food.
"Khash, you had your share," Xelzaz chided. "Any more and you won't have room for the rest of dinner."
"Yes, I will! I have room for anything you make."
"She's got a point," you laughed, and Nebarra slowly, wordlessly handed her the bowl.
"I'll go keep watch," he grumbled, turning away.
"Oh, don't be like that! Nebarra!" When he didn't respond, you sighed, calling after him, "Alright, go sulk! I'll make sure Xelzaz doesn't poison your share, though you kind of deserve it!"
His back still towards you, Nebarra raised his hand in a rude gesture, and your laughter rang through the night.
Some thirty minutes later, he heard footsteps approaching; he didn't need to turn to know it was you. Your tread was distinct from the others, weighted with determination and confidence, whereas Xelzaz's was soft and steady, and Khash's light and hesitant.
"Here. Eat." Despite the short words, your tone was gentle, and Nebarra looked over to see you holding a plate out towards him, laden with a slab of meat and wild berries to the side. "It's delicious, and unpoisoned."
"How would you know?" he sniffed, catching a whiff of the food in the process. It... did smell amazing. "Did you try it?"
"I did, actually. Stole some of your steak when Xelzaz wasn't looking. And since I'm still standing here pestering you, I guess that means it's clean."
Nebarra paused, eyes training on your face. Half of it was wreathed in shadow, only the gleam of your eyes visible; the other half was illuminated by the campfire, revealing the soft smile you wore.
You... had a nice smile.
And before he could stop himself, he mumbled, "You're not... pestering me."
Surprise flickered in your gaze – surprise, and something else. Something he told himself he didn't recognise, refused to recognise.
After a moment, you said softly, "That's... good to hear, then. Because I have something else for you, too." Reaching down with your free hand, you pulled something from your belt and held it out before him. "I saved one, 'cause it reminded me of you."
Nebarra stared. There, held gently between your fingers, was a dragon's tongue flower, petals open wide and colours vibrant in full bloom. "This... reminded you of me?"
"It's gold. Just like you."
"...You really do have trouble with your eyesight, don't you? These are orange."
"Eh, close enough." You shrugged, the smile never leaving your face.
Slowly, Nebarra reached out and, ignoring the plate of food, took the flower carefully, delicately from your grasp, cradling it in his palm. "...Am I supposed to say thank you?"
"You just did." As he raised a brow from the shadows of his helm, you set the plate on a nearby rock and tapped the gauntlet that held the flower. "You accepted it."
He couldn't deny it. "Think you got me all figured out then, huh?"
Something in your smile shifted, your gaze flickering. "No. Not yet, anyways. But... I think I'd like to." And with that, you turned on your heel and walked away, leaving him alone in the dark, stunned.
And that night, as he sat in the shadows of the campfire, he stared at the flower for a long, long time.
#nebarra#nebarra skyrim#skyrim nebarra#skyrim#tes 5#whisper writes#finally wrote that thing from my tags ages ago#and by ages i mean like a week lmaoo#also i now officially have the headcanon now that khash likes to munch on clovers and i don't know what to do with this thought#anyway in other news im so tired?? like for some reason writing Just Tonight REALLY drained me#i dont know how to describe it other than the fact that writing it felt like.... it took something from me?#idk man maybe i just burnt myself out a little; i haven't written so much and been so intent about it in actual years#tragically im not even happy about how it turned out but tbfh when is an artists ever satisfied with their own work??? neverrrr#im so tired man lol#i wanna keep working on the second part of just tonight and I have ideas for it but i just.... cannot right now lol#anyway off to play more skyrim and hopefully recharge#starting an altmer mage/college of winterhold playthough with only altmer followers#so that means im grabbing nebs; caryalind; taliesin; rumarin; idrinth; and eventually Telmiltarion since I downloaded summerset isle too#he has a standalone verison that doesnt require the full mod but#figured i'd play through the whole thing at least once since it ties into the cow story anyways#help why does “college of winterhold” abbreviate to fuckin COW I just noticed😭#anywho... ive never actually played with tel or idrinth before so im actually a little nervous; i hope i like them lol#wanted to try daegon too but then i saw she was pulled for updates and was like nuuuuu#might see about posting a screenie once i've got the whole crew together#anyway im off to go play for reals this time lol bye
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My favorite thing about the FNAF movie is that when I go into the FNAF tag I'm bombarded with robot furry art just like it used to be. I love the daycare attendant as much as the next clown-enjoyer but I love fnaf for the murder furries and I come into the tag for the murder furries. Something something nature is healing
#cawing#ufo transmissions#fnaf movie#fnaf#only downside now is i have to deal with people thirsting over josh Hutcherson#poor man cant catch a break lmao#anyways the movie is so good it sent me into a category 9 autism event#i love u sun i love u moon but im burnt out from them tbh#when over half of the stuff in the FNAF tag is that fucking clown i get tired of seeing him lol#ok to rb
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everythings making me sick right now. all the posts i see are about staying positive keeping hopeful staying strong constant reminders other people are doing worse right now you need to stay strong for them anyone who is crying and upset right now is a white liberal blaming other people stay hopeful stay positive stay strong stay strong stay strong stay strong stay strong stay strong if you cry remember someone else is doing worse someone else is dying or losing someone or something and its like jesus fucking christ
im a black woman in a red state and ive been staying strong this whole time staying hopeful staying optimistic for the sake of everyone around me and today it feels like i woke up to a death sentence. one of the most fascist bigoted men in the world right now won against a black woman in a country where neo-fascism has been on the rise and all the people i care about have either already lacked rights or been in danger of losing them. and yet i still have to Stay Strong because crying about how your life could suddenly end in the next 4 years is a white thing to do. give me a break
#i dont have money i dont have a car and our community colleges campuses just received bomb threats#i dont have a good relationship with my parents to the point of being able to ask them to take us anywhere#the best i can do is share fundraisers and i have! i reblog them all to our main where people will actually see them#and i dont blame a single palestinian person for whats happened because its not their fault#and i dont even blame the people burnt out from voting as mad as i am at some of them#but im not safe. i wasnt in the first place and im doubly not so now#in one of the clips of trump being passed around where people were sure he was tired because he knew he was gonna lose#there was a black man in the front row#our mexican neighbors have a trump flag in their backyard#because so many of the people around me would rather have a racist man than a woman in power#im in more danger than i ever have been even through an entire life of already constantly being in danger#and yet i still have to deal with everyone telling me to stay strong and just focus all my energy to supporting others#i cant even get a day to grieve without grieving being a white thing to do#give me a fucking break#critter.og
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is there a term for like a mix of anxiety, laziness, fear and numbness that just keeps you from doing anything? Even the things you want to do feel just too big to even try
#AGHHRHAJHAJSGJQREJEAAAAAAAAAAAAA#im having drop out thoughts but if i leave this school ill literally have nothinggggggg#i don't have anything besides my art#but i just cant do this and i cant do anything else#im pretty sure i don't have depression i'm just#AFGJFSJVC#idk man i just don't want to do any of this#i feel like im burnt out but like... of life#im just so tired its been so long#eh
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I need to stop having feelings or something... they're gonna kill me I stg
#marquilla#isnt mental illness fun?#im fine btw im just... im fucking tired of everything and i want peace and quiet in my goddamn head for once#i want everyone and everything to shut the fuck up and i know that's bad but im like so fucking emotionally burnt out (and physically and#mentally) and like aaall my mental illnesses are at the 9s rn so (: fun.#love having stresses that i have no control over but feel i should#again im fine... just i need idk a vacation wouldnt even help man
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Remembering why I pretty much quit fansly
#fuck im sad tonight man#idk i kinda wanna just delete every pic and never post again#you can just ignore me if you want#im tired and lonely and burnt out and theres been so much shit going on this week irl
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Hi! So, just for anyone wondering, I've been having a rough week/2 weeks which is why I haven't uploaded anything or interacted much.
I'm dealing with some problems that I'm not sure how to fix and don't currently have the motivation to write much, but this chapter was basically ready and just needed to be edited a little. I'm still posting things, they're just likely to come out slowly as I get myself together and deal with my burn out.
It's tough right now, but writing is my best and most favorite escape from the harshness of reality so I'm not abandoning it anytime soon lol.
#mentally unstable#fanfiction#bpd is a bitch#i am so tired#burnt out#im so mentally ill#how do i even tag this#idk man
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for @oknerd3
#its kinda unfinished but i didnt want to fall through#i just fant physcially keep writing#i hope you kinda like it#tnere is more to come in kust#tired and burnt out man and i just felt so bad about not#doing it and im sorry#it#hyeah ill have ti done pretty promise by thisd time on the#idk fucking#10yh#or something#or you can be like dude tjis is sbit and get snothe guy anyway that would#be so fair bestie#goodnight tumblr
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socializing is SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD and I wish I could just give up and stop masking and just do what I want without pissing people off!!!!!!!
#actually autistic#autism#im so fucking OVER THIS#i am Exhausted from my aunt visiting last week and i havent recovered yet so im trying to rewt#rest#but my uncle is here now and im skipping dinner with my family#and theyre upset#and i wish they would GET IT#they dont have to go either if theyre too tired!!!#and i know they are!!!#they dont have to force themselves to do things for other people when its going to hurt them!!!#ugh idk man#im tired and burnt out and just so tired#vent
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There's a special kind of let down when a stranger genders you correctly but then immediately is like "oh, [misgender]. Sorry."
#gender#dysphoria#trans#tgnc#<- obvi not just for trans ppl and i imagine its not just for gnc ppl either.#dudes im so fucking tired. every day i have less and less ability to function (or at least i feel so)#+ i have to keep on going. im so burnt out.#man²#misgendering
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CW: Creepy/ Disturbing imagery :0
AHHHHH one of my BIG projects for uni I've been working on for a couple weeks :0
#I really dont like realism#but here we are#dawg i never wanna hear anyone say that the only reason people draw cartoony is cause they cant draw realism#like shut the fuck up#get out of here with your art elitism bullshit#i dont draw illustrations cause i cant draw realism#i draw illustratively cause its fun for me#realism just awakens my horrible perfectionism and i end up never really satisfied and super annoyed#idk im so tired and burnt out of school man#i just wanna go back to drawing gay shit#art#digital art#Krita
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god bless toby fox. the undertale ost is fr the only reason i might come close to getting my lab report done
#i speak#im so burnt out man 😭 and im not getting a break at all this week because i have something due literally every day and none of it is done#so its just gonna be constant until next weekend at least when i have ANOTHER lab report to do so at most ill get a one day break like i did#this weekend. which was not nearly enough#it sucks because i genuinely enjoy some of this work but at this point im so tired and just want to rest so im just slogging through
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#idk how to communicate to my parents#my mom specifically#that i have been actively suicidal again because i am so burnt out#i am trying so hard to do things that spark joy but goddamn it i just#and she says 'well maybe everyones tired from work all the time'#if everyone's tired of work whats the point of being alive#i dont want to live like this#how do i communicate that i am trying to find a way out because my alternative is dying#my alternative is not just 'being a little sad'#it is dying#but she doesnt ever get it#how to communicate you are being serious about how close you are to just dying because living is so so SO FUCKING HARD#i may have cried out of frustration again today#her solution to my being burnt out is to work harder#when i dont have anything left to give#idk man it sucks when youre trying to find a way out of Pain Cavern That Actively Makes You Want To Die#but ppl tell you maybe you're just being dramatic#because 'everyone has it bad'#im just#what do i even do here
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