#every time i meet someone and im like
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#gamers dont you love it when a friend breaks your heart#smashes every olive branch you extend toward them#accuses you of being the asshole when you fall apart about it#acts like they are sorry#and then just fully ghosts you 100%?#i am so fucking tempted to just give up man.#every time i meet someone and im like#''oh wait they seem normal? not hyperindividualistic? like someone who will like me always not just when im happy?''#''someone who wants to be my FRIEND not just a person in a discord call with me??''#and then i spread myself so fucking thin investing energy into the friendship#(which this person admitted wasn't even ENOUGH like i am SO EXHAUSTED from traumatic abandonment#and losing friends suddenly#that even me working at my MAXIMUM CAPACITY makes people feel like i don't like them)#every fucking time.#nothing turns out different. no matter how much work i put into it#the SECOND a person has the chance to abandon me. they will.#i am just sitting here with two forces inside of me#one who never wants to give up on love and friendship#and another who is so tired#i wish i could just be exhausted and burnt out#and someone or several someones. would love me anyways. love me enough that EVENTUALLY#i will grow my heart back#and i can love them threefold for all the love they showed me#but no one wants me even when i do have the energy to be a good friend so why the fuck would anyone want me like this#dude i am so sad i wasn't meant to live like this i was meant to make friends. close friends.#i just keep re-reading our last conversation before he ghosted me. maybe if i read it enough i can change the ending
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they were boys together !!!
#every time i think about these two sat on the bus in their little school uniforms i start sobbing uncontrollably#paul mccartney#george harrison#beatles#beatles fanart#p + g#i think about them meeting as like little tiny 11/12 year olds or whatever and then growing up together and being beatles and falling out#and then coming back together but never fully going back to how it once was and i just go insane#mcharrison is the secret even more tragic yaoi in the beatles you lot are just not ready to hear it#as someone who is a george in one friend group (continually babied and underestimated bc im the youngest) i get him#but as an actual oldest sibling and also generally a paul coded person i also get pauls perspective like pipe down pipsqueak 🗣️#as a designated baby friend sometimes u just have to accept the abuse unfortunately for george and how can he not when he was SO SO tiny#bro was never gonna live down that 9 month age gap i fear#he is 3 apples tall !! u just KNOW he was so pissed off when he finally got the growth spurt and was still shorter than paul by an inch#anyway stream inspite of all the danger (mccartney harrison) :3
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For the ghostlights drabbles: “Say my name” with a favor being called in?
Duke had saved Phantom years ago, back when he was just out of high school and working to take down a branch of the government that was kidnapping and experimenting on people, targeting magic users and metas. Phantom had been working on his own to take them down, and they met in the middle, trashing a lab and freeing as many people as they could.
They had managed to shoot his back, knocking him down and making him bleed a glowing green. Phantom couldn’t move, protecting two kids with his body, and Duke couldn’t reach them in time before they were taken away by another swarm of agents.
He was able to go after them in time, free Phantom and the kids, and evacuated the victims before Phantom rained hell down on the facility.
At the end, standing in the background as they watched paramedics treat the victims and take them towards the nearest hospitals, Phantom had turned towards him and thanked him.
Or rather, he thanked the Signal and offered him a bracelet with a rounded orb of ice, glowing faintly in the dark. If you ever need me, he had said, Hold this, and call me name.
Phantom vanished once the last of the victims were transported to a safer location, and Duke hadn’t seen him since.
He’s kept up with news about Phantom as best he can, but from what he could tell, Phantom is based primarily in Amity Park, Illinois, and the town is fiercely protective of their hero. News rarely leaks out of there, and with them running on their own servers and independent internet, it was nearly impossible to get in from the outside.
Phantom remained a curious and distant figure in Duke’s life. He holds onto the bracelet still, guarding it carefully and sometimes running his fingers over the ice that never melts.
But he doesn’t call in that favor. He’s never to.
At least, not until now.
Sucking in a breath, Duke prepares himself and holds the orb of ice in the palm of his hand. He’s in civies, unable to hide his identity for this, and closes his eyes. “Phantom,” he says.
For a moment, nothing happens. Duke blinks his eyes open and frowns, mind already forming new plans to contact Phantom. Then the ice goes bitingly cold, almost painful, and the temperature in the room drops dramatically. The ice lifts up from his hand, floating in the air, then cracks open.
White-blue light spills out of it, growing brighter as it seems to swallow up the room entirely. Duke hurries to back up, an arm thrown up to protect his eyes. His breath mists out before him and he shivers as the sound of ice cracking fills the room.
And then, just as suddenly as it started, the light disappears and the cold fades away like a bad dream.
Slowly, Duke lowers his arm and looks up at Phantom, floating in the middle of his living room with a crown made of ice, engulfed in blue fire, hovers above his head. He looks older, more regal, holding his head high.
He regards Duke carefully for a minute, then tilts his head and says, “Signal?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Man, I’m so glad you came.”
“You… need help with something? You’re calling in your favor now, right?”
Duke nods. He understands Phantom’s confusion; being in the hero business means that favors like these tend to be used only during the most hopeless of times, when the world is close to ending, when the chances of getting out of a situation alive is close to impossible. It’s exactly the kind of thing Duke was expecting to call Phantom in for.
Not the kid sleeping on his couch.
“You’re a ghost, yeah?”
Phantom blinks at him. “Ghost king, now. Why?”
“Well…” Duke rubs the back of his neck, nervously. “I didn’t really know who else to call, and I can’t do this on my own since I’m not a ghost. But this kid got attached to me and won’t leave, so now I’m taking care of her and I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I don’t know why you think I have any experience with kids but—”
“She’s a ghost.”
Phantom stops short. “Ah. I see.” He floats down until his feet touch the floor, and then he’s standing like any other person. “Where…?”
Duke looks past Phantom’s shoulder, and Phantom turns to follow his gaze. Chelsea, the ghost girl, looks to be around nine years old and is fast asleep on the couch, curled up under Duke’s softest blanket.
“Signal,” Phantom says quietly, “What, exactly, is the favor you need from me?”
“You can say no,” Duke starts. “I get that this is a lot. But I need help raising her. And since you’re a ghost, I figured you could help me learn about the ghostly side of things. You don’t have to raise her with me or anything! Just… I would appreciate any help you’re willing to give me.”
Phantom doesn’t say no. He doesn’t say anything. He just stares down at Chelsea, an unreadable expression on his face.
On the couch. Chelsea shifts in her sleep, brows furrowing as she makes a choked noise in the back of her throat.
Moving on autopilot after so many nights of this routine, Duke kneels next to the couch, fishing one of her hands from beneath the blanket. He gives it a few reassuring squeezes, keeping it a slow rhythm to pull her gently from her nightmare. She settles down in just a minute, brow smoothing out as she continues to sleep.
The silence grows and Duke is all too aware that his heart is the only one beating.
He doesn’t hear Phantom move. Doesn’t realize he’s right next to him until he sees Phantom’s hand reach out towards Chelsea. When Duke looks, Phantom is sitting on the floor next to Duke, looking at Chelsea with something soft and devastated in his eyes. His hand hovers about her head for a long moment, then slowly lowers to rest on her head.
The touch looks gently, barely putting any pressure on her head, but it’s enough to make Chelsea’s eyes snap open, suddenly wide awake. She stares at Phantom with wide eyes, then sits up and looks between him and Duke.
“Who are you?” she asks in a small voice that makes Duke want to stand against the world to keep her safe.
Phantom smiles. It’s casual and charming and makes him look like anyone else, as if he’s not a powerful king from a realm unreachable to humans. “Hi there,” he says, “I’m Danny. I’m a ghost like you. Signal called me and asked me to meet you.”
The Ghost King is good with kids. Who would have thought?
Chelsea looks at him for confirmation and only relaxes when he nods. “I’m Chelsea. What do you mean ghost? I’m not dead.”
Both he and Phantom tense, carefully keeping their expressions neutral. She hasn’t told him much at all, just that her parents were gone and forgot her and she got hurt, so she wanted to stay with ‘Mr. Signal’ because he’s a hero and heroes keep people safe and he was the only one who was Black like her. Duke hadn’t had the heart to say no, and began searching for her family, only to find that her parents had fled the state, and likely the country, after killing their only child through neglect and a dangerous environment.
It was then that he realized that her powers were not because she was a meta, but because she was ghost.
It still hurts to realize how young she is, how much of her life had been stolen from her in an instant. Duke hadn’t been brave enough to broach the topic with her, instead choosing to let her grow comfortable in his presence, get them both settled into a routine now that he was her primary guardian.
“I know it sounds scary,” Phantom says, “And you may not want to believe me, but it’s true. I’m sorry that you died so young, but that just means you get to hang out with me and other ghosts from now on!”
Chelsea crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him. “I am not dead,” she says.
“Cici, I’m sorry to say this, but you are,” Duke cuts in. “That’s why I called… Danny. You have new powers as a ghost, and he can help you get used to them.”
“I’m not dead!” she says again.
“Kid,” Phantom begins, but Chelsea shakes her head hard and hops off the couch.
“I’m not lying! Watch, I’ll prove it to you!” She closes her eyes and scrunches up her nose, concentrating. Her hands curl into tight fists by her sides, and the glow around her grows dim. Two faint, stuttering rings of light appear around her waist. They flicker and wobble in the air, as if weak and uncertain of their own existence, then split apart, one moving up towards her head while the other falls to her feet.
Beside him, Phantom sucks in a sharp breath, but Duke can’t turn to see what’s wrong when he’s trying to take in the sight of Chelsea suddenly full of vibrant color, looking more solid that he’s ever seen her, very much alive.
“See?” she says proudly, lifting her arms and doing a spin to show off her right she was. “I told you I’m not dead!”
“No, you’re not,” Phantom agrees, sounding shell-shocked. When Duke is finally able to look away from Chelsea to check on him, he looks awed. There’s the smallest smile on his face, just the slightest upturn of his lips, but it makes him look softer.
Duke turns his attention back to Chelsea before he can be caught staring. “Cici, can you come here for a second?”
She goes before he’s finished speaking, crossing the space between them in a single jump, then grins up at him. Her hair is a bit of a mess, the two buns he managed to get her hair into falling askew. He makes a note to visit the old aunties in the Narrows later to ask them to teach him how to do hair. For now, he holds out a hand and Chelsea drops an arm into it.
It seems to good to be true, having her be alive, but her pulse is steady and strong when he presses his thumb against the inside of her wrist.
“Well,” he says, leaning back and letting go of her arm. “You certainly proved us wrong.”
Chelsea doesn’t have much time to look smug before PHantom quietly says, “You’re like me.”
“What?”
“You’re like me,” he tells Chelsea. “A halfa.”
She tilts her head to one side. “What’s that?”
“Someone who is half human and half ghost. Both dead and alive.”
Duke blinks, taking in the words, then turns to face Phantom so quickly he’s worried he might give himself whiplash. Halfa, he said. Like me, he said.
And sure enough, two rings of light, bright and strong, appear around Phantom’s waist before splitting in half, moving over his entire body.
Gone is the Ghost King, all powerful and adorned in dark clothing with a crown of ice above his head. In his place is a guy who looks to be Duke’s age, eyes a deep blue and his black hair messy, feet set solidly on the floor. He looks completely normal, completely human, and no longer an impossibility.
“You still up for learning how to use all your new powers?” Phantom asks.
Chelsea grins. “Yeah!” And then, with a quick flick of her eyes going from Phantom to Duke that he almost misses, very innocently asks, “Are you going to stay with us then?”
“I… don’t know?” Phantom looks to Duke for an answer.
Already, Duke can see this going two ways. The correct way forward, the normal one, has Phantom popping in every so often, taking Chelsea out for a few hours to work on training her and her powers. It’s easy and routine and they can keep their boundaries uncrossed and be professional.
The other path is what Duke wants most that he shouldn’t impose onto the literal Ghost King. He could have Phantom living with them while he’s on Earth and out of Amity Park, having a place at the table, a section in the closet for his own clothes, a quietly domestic night together while Chelsea sleeps where they can get to know each other more, get to know each other outside of news reports and texts on a screen.
“You can stay with us if you want,” Duke offers, casually, “It might keep my apartment safe from her powers acting up on their own again.”
“Are you sure? I could always just fly in on the weekends or something.”
“I’d appreciate having you around. So you can help Cici.”
“If you don’t mind,” Phantom says, looking away. Like this, fully alive with a beating heart, it’s easy to see the blush steal away across his cheeks.
“I don’t.”
“I don’t either!” Chelsea pops in, looking far too gleeful by their awkward conversation.
Duke can’t help but laugh, feeling lighter than he had in ages. The relief of knowing that Chelsea is alive, for the most part at least, eases the guilt of thinking he had been too late to save her, that there was no chance she could have made it out and had a future, makes him feel weak. All the exhaustion of the past few weeks hits him all at once and he wants nothing more than to collapse in bed and sleep for twelve hours.
“Alright, squirt,” he says, reaching out to pat her head. “It’s late. We can talk more in the morning, so go to bed. In your actual bed this time, not on the couch.”
Chelsea stands up taller, ready to argue, but Duke gives her a Look™ and she quickly shuts her mouth, nods, and drags her feet back to her room (the former guestroom he can never give any of the other Waynes ever again, once they find out about her).
Sighing, Duke collapses onto the couch once he hears the door shut behind her. Phantom joins him after a few seconds, sitting tentatively on the edge of the couch. The cushion moves beneath his weight, another reminder of how solid and alive he is right not.
Duke wants to touch him, to reach out and feel for himself his pulse, the warmth of his body, his chest lifting with each breath.
He doesn’t move. He stays where he is, hands carefully still, and tries to think past the dizzying thoughts of she’s still alive, I’m not too late, he’s still here, he’s alive.
“Rough week?” Phantom asks, voice purposefully light.
“Something like that.”
“You should get some sleep too.”
“I don’t think I can. Not after everything. My mind’s too loud right now.”
Phantom shifts closer to him, hesitant in a way that Duke has never seen before in him, and asks, “Want me to stay with you until you mind quiets down some?”
“Yeah. I’d like that. Thanks, Phantom.”
“You know, if I’m going to be around so often as Chelsea’s halfa mentor, then you might as well call me Danny.”
Truth be told, Duke didn’t think that was his real name. He’s glad to know it’s not.
“Then call me Duke.”
“...Are you sure? You could still hide your identity from me.”
“Nah, I trust you. A name for a name, yeah?”
Danny smiles. “Duke,” he says, testing out the name, and it’s never sounded better than when it falls from Danny’s mouth.
“Danny,” Duke returns. He belatedly realizes that they’ve leaned towards each other, drawn together like gravity, stuck in each other’s orbit. It feels natural. It feels like this is where they’re meant to be.
Maybe he should be more cautious. They’ve only meant once before, after all. But he’s read all he could on Phantom and has seen how Amity Park loves him. He’s stressed and exhausted and trying to figure out how to look after a half-ghost child that’s already been dealt a bad hand in life. He should be keeping Phantom at a distance, watching over him carefully to ensure he isn’t a threat to Chelsea.
But Duke saw how he acted with Chelsea, so gentle and understanding and kind. That’s all he needed to see.
He may not know much about Danny, but he knows this: he is trustworthy.
Enough to entrust his identity to him.
Enough to entrust Chelsea to him.
It’s more than a favor; it’s a promise to walk this road together.
There’s no one he’d rather do this with.
“Thanks,” he says again, “For all of this. I know it’s a lot.”
Danny shrugs. “I don’t mind. Really. It’s nice to know there’s another halfa out there, no matter how she came to be one. Makes things feel less lonely.”
“Will you tell me more about halfas?”
“Later. Once you get some proper rest. We’ve got time, haven’t we?”
“We do,” Duke agrees, affection settling warm in his chest. “We’ve got plenty of time.”
Learning how to control her new powers won’t be easy for Chelsea. Learning how to take care of her won’t be easy. Learning how to do things together, as Duke and Danny rather than the Signal and Phantom, won’t be easy. But Duke knows with a certainty he feels in his bones that they’re going to be fine.
So long as they’ve got each other, they’ll be fine.
#ghostlights#dc x dp#dp x dc#dcxdp#dpxdc#dc x dp fic#prompt fill#my writing#thought a lot abt what the favor could be but i could not resist the idea of surprise co-parents once i thought of it#here's a kid who clings to someone she knows is safe bc she is scared and alone!!#heres a stressed out hero trying to take care of a kid with no knowledge of how to do that!! and the kid is a ghost!!#heres a ghost king expecting to be used as a weapon and called in for a big battle suddenly finding another halfa!!!#so much going on here. so much to think abt with this!!!!!#i do love found family like this where they all kinda stumble into it and do their best to make it good#also could not resist making yet another oc. chelsea has my whole heart i love her <3 shes my daughter first#the bats dont know abt chelsea yet!! bc she can go invisble. its all been instinct every time they pop over to visit duke#soon she'll be able to control it and meet them properly#by properly i mean dukes gonna go over for sunday brunch and a little girl is gonna pop out from behind him like 'hi! im new!'#they will all love her of course. they will be shocked but happy!!#and a little less happy abt the GHOST KING duke has been hiding in his apartment that hes co-parenting with#sorry for the long tags im obsessed w this idea i want to Expand on it#maybe one day... with my other wips out of the way...
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Happy Anniversary In Stars and Time!! Have some Friend Quest based drawings :D
(These have specific quote picks related to them! And there's also a long ramble on why I like those specific quotes below if interested)
(And by long, I mean roughly 2k+ words of proper ramble total, so be warned before clicking keep reading this link right here to the rb!!)
#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#<- edited now this is just act 3 spoilers for the art LMAO#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat odile#isat bonnie#isat siffrin#<- i promise this is the last time in a long long time i tag someone who only shows up with their back turned#but in my defense they also are here four times so i think the tag is justified SADASFA#time for a messier secondary post underneath the first WAHOOOO#to start!! random art tidbits!! no one is looking at siffrin in these!!#mira and isa are looking away while odile and bonnie have their eyes closed#in my minds eye these are the A4 versions of the FQ so siffrin internally is Not Having A Good Time#i just thought itd be fun to incorporate somehow as an extra easter egg detail kinda!#also i tried to make the bgs mildly accurate to location in game and its the reason why isa got to have one (1) singular tree in the bg#laaast art tidbit is that i took a bit of a creative liberty with bonnies#well i did with all of them but still#since its not explicitly stated sif god up immediately after tripping they get to stay on the floor in the drawing#i just thought itd be fun for the drawing!!#moving onto general tidbits in addition to the time fun fact i also decided the posting time#specifically so itd be in the middle of me having back to back to back meetings so can't second guess myself in posting this HAHA#every time i post any form of text based ramble on characters or even headcanons i Fear#and YEAH i am probably just being overly nitpicky towards myself on analysis that can prob be read several diff ways cuz interpretation#but i really really really dont want to fumble so badly to the point of mischaracterizing anyone since i like them a lot!!#still working on getting over that but hey at least i am trying and thats all i can ask of myself i think!#okay now time to Lie Down im writing these tags after stream#tag talk over into q u go :]#partial pin
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I don't like any of the maps I've seen for HTTYD so i'm playing a puzzle game w all the locations. This is the 3rd version so far
#httyd#how to train your dragon#httyd map#rtte#race to the edge#mm i already see things i wanna change lmao#the red circle is the are where the Red Death has control#not every dragon in there is under her control but all the dragons of her flock stay there so it's the area where dragon raids happen#i don't believe in the 3rd movie so there's no hidden world but if there WAS i'd put it there hence the ()#also i saw someone saying how funny itd be if hiccup's sarcastic narration of the 1st movie's opening scene was actually the names of place#hence ''freezing to death'' ''hopeless'' and especially ''the meridian of misery''#idk how i feel abt the bewilderbeast under berserker island so instead they're barely located in the red death's territory hence the lack o#raids#and since they're not in war w the dragons n don't get raided they have more people and can actually afford resources and time to things#like fighting other ppl and pillaging like actual vikings#the upper square is the map that berk&berserkers&freezing to death etc use#they're all p concerned w the dragon raids so there's not much energy put to exploring or interacting w Other ppl#n traders rarely go there#they're the weirdos who've settled too close to a dragon nest in the north#n the lower square is the map viggo has and where his Dragon Hunters mainly operate#im thinking of shifting that more to the right to put the rookery where the 'northern markets' currently are#also something that bothers me is that we never rly explore any normal villages#like we've got berk&the berserkers. then we've got uhh 2 dragon-friendly islands the dragon hunters and drago#like who is buying all that dragon product? who are the tribes of the other chieftains in the meeting drago burned down?#where is everyone???
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"Between Anakin and Luke who is the better Jedi?"
"Who's the strongest?"
Blah blah blah.
Every single person who thinks it is Anakin is wrong because Anakin "coolest thing about me is my kids" Skywalker would beat you up for thinking that his son isn't the greatest thing of all time.
#you know im right#if this man could chew he'd be eating metal every time someone so much as suggest that luke was anything but perfect#vader canonically loses his temper everytime someone from the empire suggests that luke isnt the biggest threat they're facing#he's like “what? do you mean? we should focus on someone else? luke skywalker exists and i have to follow him actually”#luke gets kidnapped and Vader kills the people who did it because only HE is allowed to hubt and traumatise his child like that thank you#“oh but anakin is the chosen one” you say#neither anakin or i care we're to busy admiring luke as he fucks up again#kylo meets anakin in the afterlife prepared to complain about luke and his 'failures'#surpised to find that grandpa 'number 1 luke stan' vader couldn't give a shit#'oh he tried to kill you? clearly he didn't do a good enough job. hey you think luke is open to advice? give him advice in killing people'#luke skywalker#anakin skywalker#darth vader#dad vader
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there is something so. intensely frustrating about feeling incapable of showing up for people the way that they want you to
#i wish people understood that it's so hard to be present in their lives and that closeness for me isnt about frequency of contact#but how open we feel during that contact#my brain is such a difficult place to live in it is so loud and so busy all the time#24 hours a day is a constant monologue and argument with myself for everything and it means that i just dont have the capacity to talk to#others most of the time#and like. i know this is so unreasonable. obviously we have to be present in the lives of people that care for us#but it just feels like every day i have to like. get on a stage and perform to every person in my life that cares about me so i can meet the#criteria of being a Good Friend or Good Girlfriend or Good Fan Artist or Good Mutual or Good Server Member#i feel like it is such a blessing to be seen by others as someone to expect things from#but as more people have started to love me it feels like i have to 'go out and perform' more and more and i am very exhausted#i wish i was someone that was easy to love and care for in the way that i am. and i dont mean that self deprecatingly it's just#i know im very hard to care about and love. because i disappear all the time and come back in a big flurry as soon as i get the energy back#and im just feeling it a Lot More lately because im starting to think this isnt going to be a short term thing i have to do before i start#feeling comfortable with a person#this is going to be my whole life#if i get married im going to have to 'go out and perform' and be a good wife and be affectionate and happy and not closed into my own brain#for days#if im going to make friends with colleagues I'll have to go out when they invite me and have to reply ro their texts and i cant just go#silent for weeks while i try to negotiate with my thoughts and then reappear once i make the slightest breakthrough#im very tired and sad. i want companionship but i feel like the kind of person i am is not fair for people who would be my companion#vent post#♡alizeh talks♡
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Your very first kiss happening soon? How are you feeling about it?
sure is ^-^ im excited!! tho a part of me is also like. idk, i never saw the appeal of kissing before yknow? it just sounded and looked v awkward and weird to me, and even tho now i have someone i RLY wanna kiss, i still wonder if im gonna try it and be like 😶. ahh. interesting. sjdksdjsjdb like i hope i actually ENJOY it yknow? i feel the same way abt partnered sex, even tho it sounds fun in theory i wont know until i actually do it whether i like it in practice lol
#kcqt asks#kcqt rambles#idkman being aroacespec is weird#you go 30 years with absolutely zero interest in sex/physical intimacy#then you meet someone (plus a bunch of other crap but anyway lol)#and all of a sudden youre flying across the continent to spend 5 weeks w your qpp#during which you plan to lose basically every kind of virginity known to man skdksksjsdns#yall dont even KNOW#my first times gonna be having hot t4t4t (thats right you heard me) sex on fucking. VALENTINES day#i dont even care abt virginity as a concept and im still like dayuuuuuuum#anyway dkdksdjsj
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shaoyus unrestrained bloodlust is definitely a contender for funniest thing in myatb
#every time he sees someone he doesnt like hes like I MUST KILL THEM OETS KILL THEM NOW#he had two modes: murder and sajiao#meet you at the blossom#nearly done with my rewatch lol im back on ep 11
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it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy
#its only our third time meeting but its so beyond fucking frustrating to feel like we spent the whole hour going in circles & lowkey arguing#& like she never actually listened to any of the things ive told her. like the ENTIRW REASON i told her i was seeking extra help after#dealing w arfid type noncense all my life was 'achieving goal x is always kind of tough but im trying to do it while also achieving goal y &#im struggling with finding a way to balance the two things' like thats IT & then as shes suggesting things to try im like idk of those are#worth the effort bcus they conflict w goal y & shes like. have you considered not worrying about that so you can focus on x?#like NO bcus thats what i was previoislt doing & it doesnt fucking work for me! & she was just not understanding what i meant by adding#variety or having 'better options' shes all like. ok but even if this new thing conflicts with goal y it can just be another option for you#like thats not the POINT i already have enough options i can switch between that conflict with that like the whole point is i need to fill#the gaps w things that are nutritionally different. like if im ok with something thatll use up a significant portion of ny daily values of#shit then i already have multiple options that i actively like well enough i dont wanna waste my time adding more that are things i think#are just ok but take more work. literally whats the point of that#& im like i think rather than me just thinking of random shit i think i could try itd be helpful if I could like get some guidance on like#what are some things that fall into somewhere into this category or this adjacent category while also not being this other thing & then i#cab like determine from there what i already like & can try & add more of & things from that list that sound like sth i can try#& shes like well idk theres a lot of foods out there. YEAH ABD ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO KNOW ABOUT FOOD? like i gave fairly specific#parameters this isnt like a 'list every food on earth' type of question what am i even paying you for if you cant come up with a list#like that. & she jept getting hung up on like well lots of things that are the most calorically dense are gonna be like that like ok it#doesnt have to be the MOST dense maybe think about it like 'the densest things in this other category' which sounded straightforward to me#but she was just like continuing to argue & also like getting hung up on reminding me that everything is dependent on portions like#I FUCKING KNOW?? like if a serving of something is like 10% of my dv id rather find something where a serving is 5% etc. idk how thats like#a hard concept like whats the point of adding something to be like oh sure ill have a third of a serving & get 50 extra calories out of it#be so fr rn im so beyond frustrated still even tho its been hours since i talked to her this is more stressful & annoying than the stress of#just trying to figure shit out on my own i fucking hate having to try & re explain nyaelf ivee & over & have someone just talk over me &#fail to understand what im getting at. im one more shitty session away from quitting & just resigining myself to 70% liquid diet#anyways#texticles
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is this a safe space to post something that isn't b/cktommy or b/ddie. is it too soon?
#is it too soon to post something about a buck x oc#im just thinking about buck dating a nurse potentially#and the situations that he would get into in that#like they meet when buck is dropping a patient off etc etc and then they just keep meeting and keep talking#and every time buck has to leave again the nurse is like damn we only ever have a certain amount of time to actually time#until one day its buck that gets brought in on the gurney#idk idk im thinking of other satisfying potential storylines they will not do#if someone wants to hear my thoughts. dm or send an anon or smth#but i feel like we're all very fragile rn
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love that Niran cozies right up to some of the coldest and most unlikeable women in the Overwatch roster and befriends them with zero hesitation. his social circle must be wild
#someone in a discord im in described him as a human capybara. and he so fucking is#overwatch#lifeweaver#i love that him and Moira are like. apparently friends now LOL#to the point where Moira says she's disappointed in him if he dies in front of her in-game#and ofc Sym...#since she was like. seemingly his first real true friend i do wonder if that influenced him to feel more comfortable around-#-women who are brash and emotionally distant#now he's just like 🥰 every time he meets someone like that. he knows he can win them over. and he DOES#Moira after their first meeting sitting at home realizing she's thinking about him. and going FUCK
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im going through a lot of new things emotionally for the first time in my life and i dont like it
#for the first time i have friends that i like#for the first time people actively want to hear me out online#for the first time im making the first moves in getting to know amd messaging people#im like abed in geothermal escapism im evolving#i noticed a thing#a thing that i dont understand#i latch onto any person that is nice to me#and i mean it#if our interests match and you're some kind of lesbian i become obsessed#but not with the person#rather with 'are they attracted to me and could i be attracted to them?'#i want to be in love so bad because i want to be kissed and loved and to be able to have this first place unconditional love from someone#who isn't fron my family and thus has np social conditioning to love me#i want to be loved#but its selfish and i cant be loved if i dont return the love#im in love with being loved#because i never was#the person doesn't matter#in total ove chatted to approx. 8 people online in dms in general#and every time i was asking myself (without any knowledge about them) could we fal in love#would they love me? am i in lpve or is it excitement of meeting someone new?#it doesn't help that i feel like a bull in a China shop at all times#like im not being myself like om trying to show only the side of me the other person will like the most#i think the only times where i feel like myself is when im alone#im the light double slit experiment. i behave naturally when unobserved#i cant turn this off man#im so conflicted#i wish i could tell her i like her... but i dont know if that would be true. and anyway#why tell her?#what do i want to change by saying it?
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#periodical life updates#eurgh. hiiii im so tired just got home from the family gathering thing im. exhausted hkjfh. and i still gotta draw the eca#still gonna be quiet for a while sorry gang <3 anyway lets not talk about any of that hdkjf ARTFIGHT THEME REVEAL!!#you'll never guess which team jace ''kellystar321'' starlight is choosing for seafoam vs stardust hfjkh#*gestures at my oc list* but also. what if i dont CARE anymore hfjkhf obviously i want to draw for people! its my favorite part! but like.#GODDD i dont care about my ocs anymore!! :') ive always been more of a fandom guy i dont... /want/ art of my ocs?#like yeah obviously agent my beloved! alexandria my beloved! eca has a whole daily blog! but my actual interest in them is sooo low.#there's so many people on artfight who LOVE their ocs like their children. their ocs are their blorbos!! but my ocs are like nothing to me?#i like fandom characters :'0 i would not be as excited to see art of my characters as someone else would be who actually likes their ocs!!#people should focus more on drawing art for people who CARE about their ocs. because if /I/ don't care about my oc and /YOU/ don't care#about my ocs then WHOS FLYING THE PLANE HJFSD no but theres ZERO ENJOYMENT coming out of it you get me? it doesnt make sense to draw for me#BUT ALSO. for silly ''i dont like seeing them all greyed out/hidden :('' reasons i dont want to archive them and hide them from everyone#/BUT ALSO./ i DON'T WANT ART OF THEM. ATTACK SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE. SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT THEIR CHARACTERS hfjkfh urgh.#like hey sorry i dont? care enough about the guys i made up? can you draw reader or kim k!tsuragi instead? thank you. hdjhfg;;;#also ive been. so tired :'> how much will i even be able to do this year? every year i gain more targets to attack because i keep meeting-#new friends all the time. i have some people from lgbt club im attacking this year! my stickmin friends. avm friends. my hell gang hkhg#my hlvrai friends and my longtime mutuals and MY BUREAU OF BALANCE GANG... not to mention revenges from last year :'>#its a lot. and im so tired;;; so. im not sure. i'd still like to join for my 8th year of artfight but damb. i dunno. :'> <3#okay thats all GOTTA DRAW AN ECA GOODBYE I LOVE YOU!!
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how many aura points do i get when ppl shut up when its my turn to talk and other 5 say they want to get to know me better 🙏🙏
#𝘞ꓴ𝗦𝝪𝖠𝖭𝖠𝝡𝗘 . . .#STORY TIME CS I MISS RAMBLING HERE HEH#i was at the youth group in my church (that im still fairly new to & have been to the meetings only 4 times)#and for like 4 out of the 4 times everyone stays quiet when i start talking and then later theyre all like Whoa😯😯#BULLIED KIDS WILL TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!#oke so last meeting we had this one dynamic game where we had to pair up w 1 or 2 ppl and ask each other creative questions#like literally anything aside from the boring ones like what is ur fav color and stuff#they didnt even finished saying the rules and like 5 ppl came to me Heh i might be goated!!!! :3#2 of them are oomfs atp theyre really sweet#i ended up pairing up w 2 girls and then we switched groups and i paired up w another girl#then we had to read our questions and responses right#when it was my turn every person who was interrupting the others & joking around immediately shut up CHAT I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK#Craxiest experience in my life#and there was this one boy (WHOS A SWEETHEART BTW i really wanna befriend him) who was like#“Mannn im not even gonna tell u guys the questions i asked my group after reis... theyre so creative 😭😭🙏”#MIND U some people asked goated wuestions before and after me and i was js like that audio#of course.... FUCK its genius...... why didnt i think of that.....#someone one deadbutt asked what did oomf think was the best type of dish soap#LIKE THATS TOO GOATED HELLO#when it was that boys turn to speak he said he didnt want to tell everyone his questions & responses cs he was still thinking of mine#THANK U TWIN 😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#later on i had to speak again and everyone was silent again hehe#oh and theres this one guy who seems really fun to be around too and he calls me flower platonically which is really sweet#flashbacks to litvw hee Come back bru#he surfs and snowboards hes goated as flip i need to learn it from him someday#i need to get closer to the 2 oomfs i mentioned too theyre sooo cute#they both said they really wanted to know me better which is crazy cs me too 😢😢#i need to get closer to these 4 chat Heh#everyone actually cs theyre all really nice#end of update soovers and soov nation!!!!!!!!!
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