#but it doesnt and i am at work and every time i have to help a customer i keep feeling like ik a bout to vomit
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freshbakedbreadstick · 4 hours ago
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The Physicalities of Grief - Season 2 Arcane Viktor x F!Reader
Season 2 Arcane Viktor x F!Reader
Summary (SPOILERS): It's hard to grieve someone when their not really gone.
Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of the content. HEAVY SPOILERS OF SEASON 2 ACT 1 OF ARCANE!! BE WARNED! Reader is described as having a vagina and uses she/her pronouns. Reader’s backstory is kept vague but is mentioned to be from Zaun (the Undercity), worked with Jayce and Viktor, and was childhood friends with Viktor. Mentions of masturbation, vaginal fingering, dirty talk, heavy grief, angst (not a breadstick fanfic if there isn’t angst), bad coping with grief and emotions, grief horniness LMAO, spoilers, brief fear that someone broke into your place, slightly improper use of his powers (not really use tho more like hinting at it), brief mention of vomiting but not in detail (!!), this is basically shameless PWLP (porn with little plot) that i'm using to cope ok? 
Word Count: 3.3k
A/N: Unfortunately i am using Arcane Season 2 as a form of escapism bc i am not ok (context , i live in the US and i am a woman of color , , , , enough said ) anyways i am a Viktor stan and i love him SO SO SO much anyways AS PROMISE HERE IT IS ! LMAO i can't wait for act 2 to come out ! ! ! ! ENJOY ! (awhhh doesnt he look so normal in season 1 ?)
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It feels like all you have ever known was this feeling.
This feeling of… swelling and crashing waves of anger and sadness. Of overwhelming crying screams, of bubbling tears that blind you, of aching emptiness that makes your joints feel sore and body retch after every meal.
Mel had to remind you that you were grieving, but you could see the way Jayce looked at her, shaking his head softly when she spoke. 
“He isn’t dead,” he would whisper once Mel would leave, but you could only weakly utter “Then why does it feel like he is?”
He never knew what to say to that, just stepping back, face falling. 
It was ridiculous at this point, the way he looked at you with… almost pity. You were sick of it. Everytime he came to you, updating you on the latest findings while you laid in bed, pathetically. Feeling like a waste as he went from spending hours in the lab, working beside his friend’s body encased in who knows what, to desperately fighting you to get you to eat something, anything.  
You felt like a burden, like a waste of a mind and body that was once so ambitious and passionate, moving around the lab to help with whatever you could get your hands on.
“I’m useless,” you would whisper to yourself in the cover of dark, chest empty and eyes red and dry. 
But his words… his words hurt the most. 
“Please eat something, anything!” He cried, trying to ever so gently pin your arms down as he lifted a small cup of soup to your face. 
“No Jayce, no! Stop it!” You cried, barely able to flail against him. 
“I need you to eat something, please! You can't keep going on like this!” His voice cracked. 
You pushed his hands away, successfully hitting the cup and making it clatter and crash to the floor. 
Both of you flinched, pausing mid movement to hear the sound of the porcelain shattering into millions of pieces. 
Stillness for a few seconds. Peace from him for a few seconds. 
Until his voice brought you back. 
“...Viktor would've wanted you to eat… to keep going…” 
It made your eyes burn, chest tightening, throat closing. It made your heart race, limbs suddenly energized for the first time in days, feeling ready to run marathons. 
Did Viktor feel this way the first time he touched the hexcore?
You shoved him away with surprising strength, making Jayce yell and fall to the ground, his arm moving up to shield himself. 
Leaping from bed, you yanked the sheets around yourself, heavy and dark fabric covering the weakness of your flesh from sight. 
“You have no idea what he would've wanted!” Your throat burned as you screamed, lips twisted into a sneer as you glared at him on the floor.
He couldn't even bear to look at you. Coward.
Paled hands moved to claw at your bedside table, yanking the drawers open. You yanked things out, throwing them to find it. Where is it?
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
Then you felt it. Soft beneath your fingertips, the embroidered ‘V' he asked you to add onto it scratching your skin ever so slightly. It made you pause, mind rushing and mouth rushing even faster.
“Better yet, you knew what he wanted and still went against him!” Your voice quivered as you yelled at Jayce.
Jayce gasped softly, head jerking back. 
“W-what friend you are,” You stuttered, tears rushing back into your eyes and making your voice sound watery. You felt stupid. 
Jayce’s breath hitched, his mouth opened to respond but you were too quick. You grasped the red fabric into your hands and rushed off, snatching your shoes on before you ran out the door with a choked sob, Jayce yelling out your name as you did so. 
Your body ached as you ran, running into corners and slamming into walls you didn’t sense as you rounded hallways. Your body feverish, only shivered when you stepped out into the chill of the quiet darkness of the supposed city of progress.
Your lungs ached as you ran, panting and gasping between cries. You ran and ran, stumbling and nearly collapsing as you made your descent.
Down, down, down… to the city you knew too well. 
Back home. 
You tucked the blanket closer as you rounded corners with ease, effortless as you hopped over piles of trash and twisted into darkened alleys, avoiding the sounds of twisted laughs and growls. 
You nearly ran into the door of your little old home, scratching at your neck to yank the necklace into the light of the partially broken street lamps. A trembling hand shoved the key into the lock, tugging yourself to press your cheek against the cold door with a hiss. 
It was hard to tell what you were doing in the darkness of the studio, staggering as you closed the door and moved around, getting bruises as you ran into old furniture and beat up tables. You cried out, howling in pain as you made your way toward your bed, hidden in the back of the room. 
One hand reached out, feeling the end of the furniture with heavy pants, eyes wide and barely able to make it out. But it was there, sturdy and reliable, the scent of comfort, of home, reaching your nose as you collapsed onto it, bursting out in wails.
The bed creaked as your body shook, the utter power of your lament echoing in the darkness of the room, red fabric clutched to your chest. 
You could smell him, smell the mixture of coffee, toast, and the unmistakable scent of the lab. 
You cried louder, rattling the windows with each sound as you held the fabric he used to tie his tie, nose buried into it. But it did nothing to muffle you, nothing to withhold the sounds of your cries. 
It felt like days passed before you passed out, falling unconscious without a second thought. 
But when you finally woke, it was dark again. 
Body aching, you sat up in with a heaved breath, wincing at the pain that echoed throughout your being. It was hardly bearable, making you sigh as you realized that you finally did it, you pushed yourself too much and rendered yourself alone, sleeping the day away.
You felt like a ghost skirting around your home, blanket clutched around your form and hand clutching the red fabric to your chest with paled knuckles. Feet made soft sounds as you stomped, using all your strength to collapse onto the sink, holding onto the ledge as you stretched, one hand opening the tap and lips greedily sucking in the water that came down.
You knew that you would probably regret this later, Zaun’s tap water was not meant to be drunk without extra precautions made to ensure it was clean. Afterall, this wasn’t Piltover, where you could drink fresh water from the tap without worry. 
You remembered the way your mother would have to boil it over the fire as a child, wincing as you drank the warm water after running circles around your childhood best friend, who would laugh and watch with a sad glint in his eyes as you did so. All you wanted was fresh, cold water after sweating, throat scratchy and knees scraped with a wonder only a child could possess. 
It made you want to cry again, as your familiar scratchy throat was soothed by the cool water, if only temporarily. 
Your hand barely had the strength to push the faucet shut, slipping onto your knees soon after. 
The fabric pressed against your nose, darkening under the tears that slipped and hit it on its way down your cheeks. Burnt toast… coffee… metal. Burnt toast, coffee, metal. Burnt toast, coffee, metal, Jayce. Burnt toast, coffee, metal, Jayce, you. 
You crawled back into bed, grunting and groaning as your limbs screamed, desperate for you to stop and give up. ‘Forget it, you're alone now’ they said, desperate for a break. 
“Just… let me get to the bed… please,” you heard your gravely voice whisper out, begging yourself.
“...I’ll quit once I get to bed… please…”
‘Fine,’ you told yourself. 
Crumpled there on the sheets, you encased yourself with the blanket like a body laid to rest among the flowers, eyes closed and breathing getting slower. You could hear chatter from just beyond the walls, the sound of people chattering before rushing off, the occasional argument either followed by commotion or silence. It soothed you like a lullaby, as it soothed all children of the undercity. 
But as a fight breaks out nearby, harsh voices echoing the sounds of punches, you squeezed your eyes shut and tried desperately to think of something else. 
Like the day he convinced you to go with him to Piltover.
“Come with me,” he whispered, hand extended out to you, amber eyes glinting with hope for what this opportunity would bring.
“Oh Viktor,” you whispered aloud, voice breaking just like in the memory.
“Please,” he said, brows creasing. 
“But will I fit in? Will they accept me?” you murmured, holding your own hand, looking between his hand to his eyes.
“They accept me,” he breathed.
“That’s because you are a scientist.”
He scoffed, “Do not reduce yourself to utility, regardless of where you come from, you deserve to live amongst them.”
“But they will stare at me like… like I'm trash.”
“Nothing we aren’t used to already… besides… I need you there.”
Your breath hitched.
“You do?” you whispered to yourself, hand clutched to the fabric rising to press it against your nose again. 
Eyelids softened as you thought of the way he smiled, chuckling softly at your bewildered face, smooth voice like melody that made goosebumps spread across your skin as he said, “Of course I need you…”
You didn’t even realize your free hand had inched its way down your torso until your fingertips hit the waistband of your bottoms, making you freeze up, eyes snapping open to stare into the inky darkness.
You panted, chest rising and falling. 
“No…” you whispered, “N-no, no I… I can't.”
“Of course you can,” his voice echoed in your brain, smooth as a ray of sunlight, “Whatever it is you're worried about, I'll help you.”
Finally, your hand fell into his. He pulled you close, so close, that his eyes flickering onto yours felt like it had replaced the sun and the moon, “Come with me.”
Trembling, your hand pushed under the waistband and under your undergarments, fingers tracing over your mound before dipping down to the unabashed wetness of your core. 
You gasped, chest tightening. 
“No,” you whispered into the fabric. 
Burnt toast, coffee, metal.
Your fingers glided down, hips rising and legs spreading, skin so so hot under your touch. With a smooth swipe, the wetness gathered itself on your fingertip, moving to ever so gently press against your throbbing clit.
It made you whine, voice muffled by the fabric held tight against your hand. 
“No please…” you whispered once more, your resolve slipping as you thought of those amber eyes and how they glistened when he spoke about his work.
“C-can’t…” you just couldn’t bear it.
This was your childhood friend you were imagining, your friend who cared so deeply about you that he was willing to take you with him when he got a new opportunity in Piltover. Your friend who sacrificed his health for the sake of finding new tech to help people like you, who weren’t given a fair chance in the undercity. Your friend whose gaze would transfix on you as he explained what he was doing, voice tinged with an eagerness that made him whine when he thought your mind was straying from his words. 
“Darling, are you listening to me?” he would say as you played with some geared models he set out for you to see.
“Yes Viktor, I swear!” 
He would always chuckle and nod, either continuing to explain or instead staying silent, moving to stand behind you.
Your knees and mouth fell open, eyes fluttering shut.
Burnt toast, coffee, metal.
Heavy pants filled the silence of the room. 
You could almost feel the way his hand would slide over yours as you played with the model, long nimble fingers gliding over your skin. 
You would gasp, hand stilling until he began to move it, guiding it with his own.“Here, let me show you… This is how you use it,” he would murmur, warm breath hitting your skin. It was so hard to suppress the shiver he gave you, no longer able to focus on the way he would turn the model the other way, guiding your fingers to press against a gear, turning it in a slow circle to get it working.
Your breathing hitched, hand moving in the way he showed you how. 
His hand would speed up, moving away to let you try it. The gears then began to move on their own, prompting you to move your own hand away, watching the model with an excited smile.
The swelling pleasure in your belly grew, making the smooth movements of your hand become erratic, unable to keep a steady pace. 
“V-Viktor,” you breathed, hips bucking into the air. 
You could imagine it, the way he spoke so smoothly to you, an air of calm to it as if he was speaking to a frightened animal, “Yes, my darling?”
“L-like this?” you croaked, fingers dipping to press against your sopping hole, feeling it drool onto your fingers. 
“Yes, exactly like that… you're doing so good…”
Your breaths grew more and more ragged, shivering as you chased your climax. It was so close, making your head fall back onto the sheets, fabric clutched to your nose, using it to run it up and down your body.
Burnt toast, coffee, metal.
“S-so… close…” you whispered. 
Then you heard it.
A whisper.
You stilled, eyes snapping open and wide in terror. 
You didn’t breathe, you didn’t move. 
‘Go to her’, it whispered once more, a feminine voice you couldn’t make out, too low for you to distinguish.
But you could hear staggered steps, moving. 
You knew you were hidden from view, allowing you an advantage, but this person was moving toward you, slowly but steadily.
You were frozen in place.
Did they come to rob you? Had you even locked your front door when you came in?
But you had no time to think, you were sitting here unarmed and vulnerable. 
Gathering yourself, you sat up in bed, careful to avoid making noise as you peaked above the furniture that hid you, seeing a cloaked figure moving in the dark. You saw nothing, just them staggering. They didn’t seem to be here to steal, brushing past your things without a second glance. 
You prayed to anyone who could hear you that it was just some weary soul needing to rest.
But right before you looked away, you saw it. 
You saw the glow.
A faint blue-purple glow of footsteps that led toward you. 
You swallowed, curling back and into yourself as your eyes trailed the faint humming glow of these footsteps, the way they led right to the foot of your bed. 
The cloaked and hooded figure approached, moving around what hid you to stand at the edge of your bed, looking right at you. 
Then you smelled it. 
Burnt toast, coffee, metal, and… something… more.
Your breath hitched as a bony hand reached up and out, moving toward your face.
You flinched, squeezing your eyes shut as it moved. You didn't see the way it hesitated, pausing right before the warmth of your cheek.
“My darling…” They whispered, voice rumbling in a way that made your eyes snap open and body instantly and unconsciously sag, “Am i that scary?” 
You gasped, shaking as you made out the iridescent eyes that traced over your sunken cheeks and eyes with dark bags underneath. 
“Oh my darling…” he murmured, fingertips finally pressing against your cheeks. 
He was cold, but somehow warmth thrummed through him like… machinery. 
His thumb traced underneath your eye, gently, “Have you been suffering because… of me?” 
You said nothing, pinned to the spot underneath his gaze. 
You tried to say something, but nothing came out. Your mouth only opened and closed, silence emitting from it instead. 
His gaze swept over you, making a shiver go down your spine as you sat there. His gaze stilled, eyes widening ever so slightly as he followed your hands. He paused and, after a beat of silence, he spoke up.
“Here… let me show you.” 
Burnt toast, coffee, metal, and something indescribable. 
The hand cupping your cheeks trailed down to your jaw, tilting it upward to look at him as he shifted to sit in front of you, the overwhelming scent of Him invading your senses.
His other hand moved, gently wrapping itself around your wrist, feeling the warmth of your skin underneath his own. He then slid in, over and down underneath the waistband of your clothes and to your soaked fingers.
You could only stare into the pools of opal that peered into your soul.
A gasp wormed its way out of your mouth as his fingers pressed against you, index tracing around your throbbing clit to your clenching hole. He moved in circles, teasing you by pressing his longest finger just against your entrance before pulling back, moving to press a tiny bit deeper with every movement.
You felt yourself instantly relax, unable to help yourself as the familiar face of Viktor stared at you, eyes softening as he saw the panic melt away. 
“V-Viktor i…” you breathed, “You… d-” 
“I'm supposed to be dead… I know…” he whispered. 
His finger pressed in, making you groan softly as it moved against your warm walls, carefully pressing to find that spongy bit inside of you. He was always so calculated, even now as his gaze focused on your face, tracking every miniscule movement like the way your pupils dilated when you saw him, the way your breathing picked up when his thumb brushed against your clit, and the way your lips parted when his fingers curled. 
“But I'm here now, my darling… you don't have to worry anymore… I just want you to come back with me.”
His voice made your eyes struggle to keep open, soft moans filling the once empty room. You were drunk off him, drunk off the way his fingers moved so deliciously deliberate, stimulating you in multiple ways and making you melt. 
“Viktor…?” you sighed, barely registering what he said. 
“Yes?” Viktor whispered, leaning to press his forehead against your own. 
It sent a shockwave of pleasure through your body, tingling with a purple glow over your skin. 
“I…” gasping for air was all you could do, the overwhelming sensation flowing through your veins as his thumb pressed against your clit, fingers curling in and out of you. You were so close again.
“More?” He murmured, voice soft. 
Your eyes could barely hold his gaze, “N-need you…” 
“Like I always needed you?” 
You moaned out, eyes rolling to the back of your head as you shook, the pleasure reaching its peak. 
“Cum for me… come with me.” he murmured, lips brushing against your own. 
He swallowed your moans as you cried out his name, body shaking. His hand on your jaw held you in place, continuing to move his fingers in you and on your clit, your hand wrapped around his wrist as he did so, the other still clutched onto his red tie. 
Pure, white, hot, pleasure stole your vision and voice, making you see visions of a future where you and your people would never have to suffer anymore, not with someone like Viktor to lead them. 
As you came down, body heaving and shaking, he carefully moved his hand off your core before wrapping your weak body with his lapis blue cloak, pressing you against him. Your head lolled, slotting against his neck, smelling the scent of burnt toast, coffee, metal, and something… something otherworldly. 
“Come with me.” He whispered, “I need you.”
“I will.” You whispered, this time not hesitating. 
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s0apmactav1sh · 1 day ago
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Gazalex pt2 yayayaya uhm i havent a clue what to say other than eat up ig (this is my apology for disappearing for 2 months i gen have been working through some serious shit and am back on meds)
-You who wakes up with a killer headache and a need to hurl in some random place. The time doesnt register in your mind when you look at the clock and see 2:19pm meaning youve missed your shift but its ok (gaz already rang and told the barista who tipped them off on your whereabouts that you wouldnt be there) stumbling through the house to find a bathroom you eventually find yourself in one bent over the toilet puking your guts up. The familiar taste of whiskey coming back up.
-Gaz and Alex who cant help but grimace at you getting sick in the upstairs bathroom. With alex deciding to head up to you gaz stays down stairs getting some paractemol and asprine ready for you to take when alex coax you down stairs. Clearly not exppecting alex to come upstairs you look down seeing your still wearing clothes that are your own and not theirs (since the clothes you did wear out were some of your best and the old ladies at the church would kill you if they found out you ruined them)
-Alex who has to convince you your not dying when you start acting as if hes a hallucination. There just being awkwardness as he leads you downstairs and into the kitchen. A waft of bacon, eggs amd sausage hitting you right as you step in and your stomach growling over how hungry you are. Gaz being kind enough to hand over the asprine and water so the pounding headache you woke up with could be cured.
-neither of them knowing how to bring up your drunken confession without scaring you out and away from them altogether. But they dont need to because as soon as you realise this wasnt your place it was in fact theirs it all hits you and every drunken word that spilled from your mouth hits you like a ton of bricks. Cue you frantically apologizing and promising that all that was said in the car ride was jusy a bunch of nonsence and that you were just feeling lonely.
-both of them finding some relief in that but also taking note of the small bit of hurt that also hits them. Maybe you didnt like them back and it was silly of them to assume? All three of you standing in the kitchen just staring at one ajother before you give in and make the bold claim that it wasnt nonsense just really sober thoughts in the form of drunk words because you didnt know hoew to tell them any other way.
-your confessin oractically hanging in the air for a few moments before Alex is grinning from cheek to cheek and rushing over to hug you, just glad that their feelings were returned and they didnt seem like idiots for feeling the way they did. Gaz feeling a lot more confused over whether you meant or not but soon that confusion is washed away by Alex pulling him into the hug aswell because why leave him out when theres more than enough room for the three of you to hug
- the next day in work, watching as one of the old ladies grumbles as she hands over a 50 dollar bill on top of the money she already paid for her drink to your coworker who grins cheekily at you. The sight of hickeys covering your entire neck being the tell tale sign that you finally manned up and told them
Theres so much missing from this but i jeed to get back to writing because its been awhile anyways
Smut nect? For this maybe (defo already have a draft in progress for the threesome Reader does top both of them bevause we all know gaz and alexs are bottoms <3)
Time to write gazalex x mreader. Except its shortened cuz tumblr loves eating my drafts. So heres something short and sweet before I disappear of the eart again.
-Gazalex who become the most loved couple in the small town they moved to after retiring from the military and getting married. The two being labelled as the sweetest around by all the old ladies and labelled great help by all the old men aswell.
-You. Who seems to be the only other younger guy around in the town and who just happens to work and own the down town cafe that the two frequent nearly everyday. Of course you gawk at the two of them the moment the enter the door but the little light in your eyes dies as soon as you see the golden wedding bands around each of there fingers.
-Them who become completely infatuated with how sweet and excited you seem to be while behind a bar helping out an old woman who was trying to figure out what to have with her tea. Its obvious to the both of them that your sweet but then the hard part hits them, trying to figure out whether your single or not.
- Them who spends all day trying to find something that had your social media based off of just your name from your name tag. Of course when that goes south they resort to using the cafes name and find a small social media plug that leads them right to your page and of course you barely have anything up other than an old photo from 3 years ago.
- Alex is the one who takes the lead and follows you first seeing if you would follow back and in a matter of minutes you had accepted his follow so Gaz happily followed you afterwards hoping for the same response which he got.
- It didnt take long for all of you to become great friends and then the problems arose of you have feelings for the two of them but ofc with them being married it had your stomach twisting since you didnt want to ruin anything. And so you began avoiding them. Cancelling on plans last minute, avoiding serving them when they came into the cafe and even stopped replying to them when theyd message you.
- Both Gaz and Alex were confused over what was happening. They both liked you and had talked about it but maybe you didnt like them? It wasnt until one of the other baristas at the cafe called them and let them know where you were sulking one evening. An old pub that wasnt too far down. They werent expecting to see a drunk you so soon. Head dropped down with an empty pint glass in front of you.
- Going over to you, they take a seat on either side of you before Alex calls over the bartender and pays your tab so they could get you up and outta there with no other questions. Of course your fairly confused on whos bringing you away but when you see who it is you try moving away from their car not wanting to go with them. Cue you arguing with them outside of the pub gathering the attention of several people who were on going into it or outside it smoking.
- It takes them a few minutes but there able to get you into the car before your drunkingly confessing to the two of them telling them how you feel and how you know they dont feel the same because their already married. And the two just cant help but start laughing, over how a many as fit and fine as yourself would think theyd ever reject you. But then again you were drunk and half passed out.
- Not wanting to disturb your apartment neighbours they brought you back to theirs leading you into the guest bedroom where you feel asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow giving them no time to talk to you. Of course what they would be talking to you about did require you being sober.
Pt 2??
Im in desperate need of sleep. And I have to deal with seeing more family over the next few days so writing will be to the minimum but hoping to come out with pt 2 of traitor au and maybe more smut.
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deoidesign · 2 months ago
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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funzige-gedachten · 5 months ago
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To quote bo burnham: i am not feeing good👍🏻
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bunnihearted · 5 months ago
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🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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vampiremourning · 1 year ago
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oh im gonna hsdgfjk
okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.
i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.
halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.
i finish the pills.
less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.
anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.
mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.
'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me
so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.
and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.
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loser-jpg · 8 months ago
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hate teacher.
so angry.
he told me my 6 months worth of work has to be scrapped and entirely redone in 2 weeks. thats literally impossible. i am the tiniest inconvenience away from having an entire meeting with him to read him a 5 page essay on how he has been of no help this entire semester and last and how he has done nothing but inconvenience me all year.
hes seen the work many times before but only brought up the issue now. 2 weeks before a progress report. He told me the thing hes been having me work on for an entire month cant be part of my progress report because its not specific enough.
IF THIS WAS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM HE WOULD HAVE ALREADY KNOWN AND HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE I WAS 6 MONTHS IN.
he blatantly holds favoritism as every other student (they all happen to be cis men) get all the help in the world yet i get no help at all and when he tells me i have to scrap all my work he doesnt even point me in the right direction just says redo it you have 2 weeks.
this is a group project but every other group is doing one project with all people working together yet mine is doing one project each person meaning i cant even get assistance. two of the people in my group HAVE NOT SPOKEN A WORD TO ME SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR.
he is also needlessly rude. instead of just politely saying there might be an issue he feels the need to make me feel like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. I am half convinced this man finds joy in publicly humiliating and shaming me in any way possible. You are a grown ass man what the actual fuck. You are in your god damn 50s.
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heyitsphoenixx · 4 months ago
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ever since i was a little [redacted] i always wanted to be a person who has a place in society
#vent in the tags#the older i get and the worse everything gets im just like#how does anyone do anything#how does anyone be anything#without being born rich#and am i doomed to poverty forever as punishment for being an artist#as punishment for not being born wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer and having all the capabilities and resources to do it#or doomed to work a full time job i hate that has nothing to do with the things i love or who i am#just for like. mediocre health benefits. if that#or doomed to spend my whole life striving for a career anywhere in the arts that will take me and running myself ragged trying to get there#or doomed bc i have so many interests and so few resources to never have the chance to feel fulfillment by trying everything i want to#and still be able to financially support myself#like. i think when you die thats it. and i have so little control over the amount of things i get to experience already#but i want to experience everything as much as possible#and i've just been grieving this for the last like three years#and i know most people in the world are so much worse off and this is a super privileged position to be in at all#im just grieving my own lived circumstances#and a lifetime trying to combat the constant nihilism from my mother that everything is always going to be bad no matter what doesnt help#but anyway. i hold onto hope as a weapon against the alternative. im just so exhausted already#and i havent really even started#fellow artists if u read this far how tf are we supposed to live lmao#artists in the broad sense as well im interested in literally every medium
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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pepprs · 1 year ago
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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adhdphilosopher · 8 days ago
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im so full of anger every day that it makes it hard to function. what do i do
#blah blah blah#i generally try to not tamp down my thoughts and feelings but at what point is it 'being open' and at what point is it 'stewing'#i miss doing therapy but my medicaid doesnt cover psychiatric care#and my workplace is likely to schedule me back down at 20h/week once our new manager begins here#im so mad . he starts next week but idk if that means sunday (tomorrow) or monday#and why was only next week's schedule posted. why not the whole month#i have another job trying to schedule me and that one is easier to move around than the main one#full timers work 30h or more#and ive been working at least 35 every week for the past month since weve not had a manager#i want healthcare#i know im in a privileged position where i can even try to demand these things#but i am worried about the nextg year bc i dont know what my hours will look like yet#so i can't reliably predict my income for the year to select my own plan through the state service??#luckily open enrollment is nov and dec and it's only the start of nov now#i don't have a third recommender for phd programs so i can't fully submit those applications yet#im just so full of anger i feel unable to move#and the anger is of course about the odd time trying to balance my two part time jobs and rent and health#but it's also about! gestures at the globe full of things happening!#i am immobilized by anger and it's putting a big strain on my relationship with my partner and my family!#i don't know that going back to therapy would fix these things but if i could at least have a person to talk to once a week#specifically dedicated to talking about Problems#idk#maybe it would lessen the amount im dumping on everyone else#it feels so privileged and selfish and evil of me to have desires and feeling like i am the world's center of evil isnt helping anyone#pursuing a phd wouldnt be helping anyone#being unable to move for how full of emotions i am isnt helping anyone#maybe i should just . remembers suicide jokes are bad etc. join the circus
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2024skin · 8 months ago
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I'll be fine as long as I never have a moment alone to think about anything
#my posts#if im doing something or thinking about doing something or talking to someone or listening to something#im okay. i just need something to focus on#but when i have nothing and no one to focus on immediately i think about my life#and i dont think about the plenty of good things in my life. i think about the problems that i cant set down#im not over anything that happened to me so i just think about it over and over again#and i cry about it all the time and im so tired but im too upset to sleep#so i just do things read things watch things. i learn what i can about whatever i can#anything that isnt on memory lane#i realized since dating this nb that this is what i use social media for#something easy so i dont have to think. thinking too long is the enemy#it always leads me to the same place and *evanescence voice* im so tired of being heeeeeeeeeeere#and i use nb for this too like when they're around i just think about them and i talk to them#its much easier to Do Nothing with nb around because their presence is inherently distracting#but i cant just do nothing All The Time even when im with them so eventually i turn back to social media#which really bothers them and its something we talk about a lot#and i havent explained any of this to them bc im still working it out myself#if my mind doesnt wander i will be fine. so whenever its time for bed and no one else is here with me i am not fine#i spend hours spiraling and i cant get out of it#i used to smoke weed about it and i remember only spiraling sometimes but not Every Night#i dont know what to do anymore like how do i get over myself#how do i do it without help
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ichigosoju · 5 months ago
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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sophiethewitch1 · 6 months ago
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will we ever get to see the Undertale fic? just out of curiosity :)
i mean yeah probably even if i don't actually want to be working on it. i have brain worms they must be expunged. but also which one are you talking about? maybe i can post a poll with the options and ppl can vote and ill do that one instead of bouncing around literally 4 separate ideas... even if i know nobody here wants to read sans undertale x reader in the year of 2024... bizarre girl bizarre
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autisticlee · 7 months ago
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having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time
#chronic pain#chronic exhaustion#idk what else to tag#another day of why was lee walking normal and barely pain at work yesterday but then today so much pain and exhausted#wish i knew what was exactly the problem. was diagnosed with “generalized hypermobility” but doesnt do much#not a real diagnosis. basically just a thing to tell me “theres nothing wrong. exercise more” but how???? i keep trying but hurt myself#my job is physical labor and therefore exercise. it hurts. is exhausting. no energy to do more. walking is exhausting#have to focus so much energy on not popping hips out of place and twisting knees and ankles and falling. never hurts less#still think about how failed the heds test by 1 point but had several people with heds or who have close friends/family with it who told me#they think i have it and should go het diagnosed or just ask me if i have it because they recognize the symptoms#and every time i tell them the doctor i saw about my joint issues and stuff denied it they get super confused and tell me to try#another doctor. unfortunately i have to go through my designated health system and they dont have multiple doctors of each specialty#and i in general have no clue how to navigate health stuff or how to advocate for myself and have no help or support system at all so 🤷#anyway. it makes me wonder if i *do* have that or if my floppy bendy joints are just similarly bad and exercise will cure me#and im just bad at it because i have no clue what is right and wrong movement unless someone watches me and corrects me the whole time#and no i wont learn or get better. im so disconnected from this body that i will never learn what feels right and wrong.#still cant even tell when im hungry until i almost pass out!!!!!!! of thirsty!! or even have to pee until its emergency level piss!!!!!!#so no way to tell when hypermobiling joints when exercising or when form is slipping and not correct anymore.#been trying things to get better at that but still hasnt improved at all#what was i talking about......right. dont think ill ever get heds diagnosis since cant pass the test for that. so cant get much support/help#am on my own with youtube tutorials and hoping i dont keep hurting myself wishing exercise will cure me and “good days” become permanent#also why are video tutorials SO HARD TO FOLLOW AND LEARN FROM. im sk bad at it yet everyone tells me its the best and only way to learn but#its SO HARD FOR ME 😭😭😭😭😭 MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET
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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year ago
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... how am I meant to get any sort of restful sleep when it's like 85F indoors in my bedroom at NIGHT .. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#why the next poll adventure and everything else has taken so long lol.. I straight up have just not done anything#the past few days... staring down my todo list and sweating hopelessly#AT LEAST it;s relatively low humidity. the highest it's been up to is maybe 65%. but is usually around 50 or 40ish#There is one small window air conditioner in a roomate's room that can KIND OF be shared by nailing a sheet up to block off the hallway#with the rooms in it so the cool air goes into the other bedrooms but doesnt flow out into the kitchen or etc but#wjhen it's the time of day that the sun is directly hitting the window & it's like 102F outside even that doesnt help much. to cool 3 rooms#and I always feel like we're going to explode the air conditioner or something running it too much with direct heat on it. sometimes it#smells like hot plastic or whatever ghj.. so it's mostly just.. block off all windows with 5 layers of blankets and cardboard#starting at 10am (meaning.. no indoor light for days basically.. no natural lighting.. time passes weird. hard to determine time of day).#throw water on the bed every night so you sleep in wet sheets and keep your clothes and hair wet at all times. ice. cold drinks. keep a#little fan running pointed directly at you nearly 24/7 even when sleeping with a fan blowing air on you makes your eyes and throat painfull#dry. etc. etc.. and i KNOW people have it worse in plenty of places blah blah. i am just complaining on my little blog that is about me lol#I think the biggest thing about lack of adequate/central air conditioning for me is just the LACK of productivity!!! I am working on games!#and novels!! and so many other crafts. costumes! sculptures!!! things I want to do!!! we all have a limited amount of time on this planet a#nd I have so many goals!! To lose basically 4-5 days straight or producivity - when if I had been able to temperature#control my environment better I could have easily gotten more done because I wouldn't be laying around nuseous and too hot#and sick to do anything all day etc. -- is like.... GRRRRRR... it just feels so senseless.. i could have USEd that time...#Every CEO who has contributed to global warming owes me 1million doallrs to fund my art projects and make up for all the time#I've lost on them due to their stupid bullshit.. also they should be stoned to death in a public square. but redistribute the money FIRST#to everyone on the planet. but especially people who have been affected by floods. fires. etc. etc.#poor people who have limited choice in housing and access to air conditioning. homeless people in cooling centers. people with disabillitie#and health issues that are worse in the heat so the entire future just seems increasingly terrifying for them. etc. etc.#ANYWAY.... eughhhgh.... It can cool down SLIGHTLY at night but the past few nights I have been sleeping in an 81 degree room and I wake up#and first thing in the morning its like 82 by then and I'm so nauseous and nasty feeling... just so so tired of it.. I NEED SNOW#literally not even joking.. snow would heal me. .. oughffff...#AND i got the new nasty stinky poo poo pee pee tumblr dashboard update lol.. e v i l
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