#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.