#and still be able to financially support myself

[ratfuck]

every day. every single fucking day is just one personal travesty after another. I stuck around and refused the allure of self-destruction on others' behalf, on the words of others' that it will get better. I've stuck around and found that it was never worth it, and feel as if I am forced to stay alive for those who depend on me against my desire for rest.

Im not the same person I was years ago, and I won't be able to be that person again. I've withdrawn from my hobbies and art, the connections I've established with others have disappeared. My sense of humor has been replaced by a deep cynicism for everything around me. I have nothing to my personhood anymore

My job is pushing me to the brink. I fucking loved my career in art and design and I now just resent every amount of effort to try and change my life for the better for the past 10 years. 9 long months of struggle and pain searching for another good video job after being laid off from the "forever job" I was given last year and I end up at a place that simultaneously pays me the lowest I have ever been paid in my life while demanding the most fucking labor I have ever done. I do the work of an entire department: including digital strategist, social media manager, account manager, multimedia specialist, videographer and editor, graphic designer, and animator, and am being paid $19 an hour. I was making $32 an hour at my last job on qualifications alone just doing multimedia and video. Every week I travel hundreds of miles to single handedly film, edit, and photograph advertising content for dozens of clients. The content I deliver is outstanding and they still refuse to pay me a living wage. I am supporting 2 adults on top of myself with my peanut salary and have nothing left over to invest in the future. No amount of fucking praise from my bosses is equal to paying me what im fucking worth

What remains of my family is falling apart. My dad is medically committing suicide by refusing a heart surgery. That fucker ruined my childhood and adolescense, never supported me in my life, beat me, humiliated me, and continuously picks on and belittles me for who I am, and he's taking the easy way out and presenting his decision as a big final "fuck you" to me. My mom's health is failing, and my remaining grandparents are doing worse

My medical issue is escalating. My phantom pain syndrome fucking flares up every day now. The bleeding from my eye socket is getting worse and worse. I can see the implant bulging out and tearing through my flesh. Every time I cry, I cry actual tears of blood. My pillowsheet is stained ruined by the uncontrollable bleeding pouring out from my face at all times. I will never be able to wear a prosthetic eye again, and will be permanently scarred and forced to wear eye patches for other people's comfort. People are so fucking insensitive about it. I am so tired of the stupid pirate jokes or being told it makes me look scary.

I fucking hate being transgender, specifically I hate the experiences I have had with others who I'm supposed to feel fellowship with. I am so fucking tired of meeting trans women who present normal at first, and as soon as I show vulnerability I'm being fucking raped, I'm being used for financial gain, for housing, for drugs. Most I've met at this point have turned out to be fucking emotionally unstable sociopaths or some pathetic cretin who just wants someone to manage their fucking miserable shit life for them while they jerk and fuck whats left of it away. I have not felt this fucking alienated from any other community or identity I am part of, fucking dumbass cis people in my life have treated me with more inclusivity and respect than the trans people in my life. I still am getting stalked online by a couple of these fuckers for choosing to cease contact. I just want to fucking knife every one of them who just hits me up for pointless sex or for me to cuck them with their stupid fucking girlfriend

The miscarriage fucked me up so hard. I still think about it. Its been years. The fucking pandemic and that COVID-19 infection control job fucked me up. Seeing fucking hundreds of corpses in months and seeing them fucking getting stuffed with cotton balls soaked in antiviral chemicals and their faces sewn shut and then stacked in a fucking trailer every week isnt good. Escorting a grieving family to say goodbye to their dying kid fucking plugged up with tubes in every orafice was something that a fucking 22 year old shouldnt have been exposed to. The amount of people from the public who screamed at me and accused me of being part of some fucking NWO conspiracy and getting a fucking gun raised at me with no fucking repercussions for them. I witnessed so much fucking death and human suffering in such a short fucking time and absolutely no fucking validation for these experiences and I'm expected by family and peers to just continue on like it was a fucking hiccup. Losing the uncle that encouraged me to finish college and built me my car to COVID to cap it all off is just the final 'fuck you' from the universe, from God, for surviving through that nightmare

I know posting this is a fucking mistake, I hate revealing myself and being open about my life. I fucking have no other outlet for these feelings though. my friends don't fucking give a shit or check in on me. I have no more desire to explore myself through art. I have no hobbies or interests that are compelling enough anymore to distract me from feeling like im in constant misery. I don't want other people's pity, I want to be able to scream in anger and hate and lament at the life I am OBLIGATED to live

I know that by posting my feelings, im only inviting the vermin who waste their time encouraging me to kill myself to escalate their rhetoric, and use my vulnerabilities against me. You can't hurt me, not when I died years ago

[heyitsphoenixx]

ever since i was a little [redacted] i always wanted to be a person who has a place in society

[mishkakagehishka]

I'm being forced to visit my abusive grandma to deal with my childhood traumas and grow up as person(already ended crying and visiting the clinic because of that) so with that said

What is it to be an adult for you ? One of the expectations is for me to be able to become an adult since I will be 23 when I get back so...

I think you shouldn't need to confront your trauma Like That to grow up as a person tbh i'm no psychologist but it feels counterproductive. Abusive people should be put behind you, not at your side. Stay safe, and stay strong, bestie, i'll be keeping you in my thoughts🫂

As for me, being an adult is a subjective thing. I'm not sure? I think "responsibility". Having more of them, and being okay-ish at keeping the strings together. -ish, i emphasise. Nobody can keep all the strings together, but trying your best is part of it. You gain a bit more independence, but you end up losing a lot of that freedom you gain to responsibilities. But i'd still say adulthood comes with additional freedoms. I hope the expectations placed on you aren't some shit like "get a (good) job" or "become fully independent, financially and otherwise" bc for me that's awfully individualist and might not be feasible for every adult (like, a disabled adult might not be able to keep a job that is exhausting, whatever "exhausting" might mean to them - could be the medical profession known for a lot of overtime and sleepless nights, could be an office job where you have to stare at screens that cause eyestrain for too long etc etc).

But i think it does include some independency. Dependant on the person. YMMV. I think i'd leave it up to the individual to define, beyond the biological "maturity/end of puberty" or sociological "minor/adult" divide

[coloursofaparadox]

i ✨️cannot sleep✨️ and vaguing about shit on the internet feels more cathartic than writing it out somewhere else. suffer.

[scattered-winter]

houghhjh I really hope my parents will still help me pay for college even though I haven't been Working As Much As Possible this summer

[lightning-system]

As a medium/lower support needs autistic who works with young higher support needs autistic:

We all matter. We all have the same diagnosis. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

But we are not the same.

I can mask and might be seen as 'odd' or 'weird' in public. The students I work with are seen as 'dangerous' and 'practically little kids'.

I can go to university and work with accommodations. The students I work with likely will never live independently and a few might find jobs that support them but still pay them less than an abled worker.

I have full control of my finances. The students I work with aren't allowed to make independent financial decisions, even if capable.

If I say 'no,' I'm making a choice. The students I work with can't say 'no' without being labeled as defiant and difficult.

I can feed myself, bathe myself, and take care of myself with extreme challenges. The students I work with are unable to take care of themselves without high levels of support/one on one support.

I had an IEP in high school but was mainstreamed in classes. The students I work with take separate classes and some rarely get to interact with their abled peers.

Our experiences are fundamentally different. Higher support needs autistics will experience a specific type of ableism I never will, and can never fully understand.

Lower support needs autistics need to stop saying we understand what higher support needs autistics are going through and then present autism as only being disabling because of society/lack of acceptance because that is dangerous. We need to stop saying every autistic person is capable of everything if given the right support because that leaves out huge parts of our community who will never be able to do certain things, regardless of support.

We are worthy of existence regardless of our abilities.

Autism is a spectrum. It is not the same for every autistic person. Autism acceptance and advocacy has to come with accepting, acknowledging, and listening to our higher support needs peers.

[miraculous-lesbeans]

At the end of 2022, there were approximately $2259.3 Billion US Dollars in circulation, according to the federal reserve.

Jeff Bezos is currently worth $142.9 Billion US Dollars.

One guy currently holds 6.32% of the worth of all American money and he is only the third wealthiest person in the world.

Which really puts the concept of billionaires into perspective.

[nyancrimew]

with the end of the month slowly coming up again i am once again unfortunately already broke again and still somewhat in debt, really hoping to get out of that and get a stable enough income to allow me to stay out of debt for the future (i currently make about 1k a month which is very very little for trying to survive in switzerland esp as i currently support myself and a roommate pretty much alone (and currently leaves me somewhat financially dependent on my parents as well which im not gonna be able to be forever), goal for the end of this year is a stable 2k) anything really helps, but the subscription option helps me the most with stability and ability to budget (also i'll hopefully soon manage to give my subscribers actual special benefits).

i hate asking for money so often especially as i haven't put out a new article in quite a while now, but that will change again soon (i have various things in my pipeline and also non text content coming up soon!), and it is the supporters on ko-fi that let me do all the work i do <3

[freakincagedotcom2]

HELP BLACK AFRICAN AUTISTIC TRANS MAN ESCAPE FINANCIAL ABUSE AND RUIN AMD AVOID POLICE INTERACTIONS - URGENT 🚨 DUE 15 NOV - CURRENTLY OVERDUE

Goal is $1100

Hello, everyone. I am weeping as I type this.

I am so distraught.

I have received an email from a former friend and roommate asking me to pay for a cracked laptop screen that I am not responsible for. The laptop screen was cracked following an incident where their parents with the help of the police broke into our home as they had gone no contact with them and their parents are people who have a lot of connections within the police department. This allowed them to abuse their power and to destroy the life we had built.

I then became to blame for their parents behaviour following this incident.

I am asking for help to pay for this as I am unable to afford this at this point. I have just been able to start supporting myself ( while still needing help with groceries) and I am unable to pay this bill without risking homelessness.

I am heartbroken to have received this message as I ended this friendship when I became the person to blame for their parents behaviour. I had even attempted to raise funds for their legal fees at that point.

Please help me pay this bill of $1100 as I barely make more than half of this a month and will never be able to cover the cost of this before they involve their parents which is in two months (December) and I am trying to avoid an escalation that would involve police or legalities as that would devastate my life.

This former friend is classed enough to afford the payment for this screen but they choose to do this to me. I understand the affects of abuse and that they may not be in control of the situation but I cannot not understand why I’m being treated this way.

I really need to avoid an escalation.

Goal is $1100 – to be filled urgently.

Currently at $160 at 696 notes😭😭 anything helps. This payment is due in one week and I’ve been trying to revise these funds for over a month only to still be at $160 out of $1100

I’ve been trying to fill this goals for almost two months and it’s due urgently

I have even abandoned my grocery fund to try to fill this goal first.

PAYPAL

Please see below the email I received from them.

PAYPAL: @leavemynameoutofit

I am scared, devastated and shocked.

Please help how you can - I cannot relive the stress of the past year.

[lapislavender]

@khalilgaza67 Reached out to me and NEEDS YOUR HELP!

His is vetted and is currently still in gaza suffering through the genocide, with only €2,435 raised of his €30,000 target.

Below are excerpts from his gofundme campaign that I highly encourage you to read:

“My name is Khalil Abubaker, and I am reaching out to you from Gaza, a place that has been deeply affected by the ongoing war.

The past eight months have been incredibly challenging for my family and me. My father, who has always been our main supporter, has been unable to work due to the conflict. Like many others, he lost his job and exhausted all his savings trying to keep us afloat.”

Call for Help:

Our campaign goal is to raise €30,000. Initially, we will use €20,000 to cross the border into Egypt for myself, my father, my mother, and my youngest unmarried sister—half of our family members.

The remaining €10,000 will be used to settle in Egypt and cover the costs of necessary items, rent, transportation, and other expenses as we start a new life.

How You Can Help:

I've never spoken up like this before; in fact, I feel shy even asking my close friends outside the country to help because I know it's beyond their ability.

I truly believe in the kindness of strangers and in the power of the global community to help us get out of this dire situation. Every contribution, no matter how small, will bring us closer to securing a future away from the devastation.

We understand that not everyone may be able to contribute financially, but sharing our story with your network can also make a significant difference.”

To support Khalil and his family, You can donate to the gofundme and spread it around!

“From the depths of our hearts, we thank you for your kindness, support, and prayers. Together, we can give my family the hope and strength to overcome this harrowing time and start anew.

With gratitude and hope,

Khalil Abubaker”

[merry-death]

on my second watch of the new hbomberguy video (I was not totally sober when I watched it last night) and I just remembered where I know James Somerton from. A few months ago I ended a friendship because she kept talking about how excited she was to play the hp game, and at first she genuinely didn't know how bad r*wling was, but even after I explained and sent tons of resources so she could see for herself, she still eventually said something along the lines of "oh well, I still don't think it's bad enough to stop me from buying the game". Then she sent me James Somerton's video about why he was still going to buy and play the game and said "His thoughts are basically mine". I had never watched his videos, but I was immediately suspicious of him for being able to lay out the clear transphobia and antisemitism but still justify purchasing the game. And now, I guess we know that his thoughts weren't even his. And no wonder he was fine still giving r*wling money, he's also fine misgendering trans people if it means he can be more misogynistic

EDIT: so i decided to fact-check myself since it's been several months since that conversation, but he does say he "probably" won't spend more money on the franchise even though he totally understands and supports people who want to.

And in a turn of events shocking no one, aside from that conclusion that he thinks it's fine to still support hp, the vast majority of that same video was also plagiarized:

EDIT 2: I've seen some people in the notes saying he even plagiarized the transphobia, so I'm going to clarify this. Most of the video was about all of the transphobic, antisemitic, or otherwise awful shit r*wling has done. That is the content that Somerton seems to have plagiarized from Katelyn Burns.

The only part of the video that doesn't appear to have been stolen is the conclusion, which is where he said it's understandable and fine for people to still financially support the franchise. So he did not plagiarize the transphobia, he plagiarized the proof of transphobia and then added in his opinion that it's still cool to give your money to transphobes if not doing that makes you sad

[thesiltverses]

A very big thank you

I posted this on Patreon, but really wanted to share it here as well:

Post-show life begins

For a long while now I’ve been getting up at 4.30 or 5am, grabbing myself the first coffee of four, and then coming to sit at my desk.

I open up the assembly cut of the newest TSV episode.

I listen to it, I try and pin down which scenes I need to be going back over today. I try and push through the entire morning without a break because when the momentum stalls, that’s what kills your release schedule. (I also worry endlessly about just how much of my hair is falling out, and how spending 12 hours a day wearing headphones could be contributing to that.)

Today was different. I still woke up early - it’s a hard habit to shake off, and probably a useful one going forward. But I didn’t go to my desk, and I didn’t put my headphones on.

I went to the rocking chair we bought for our son when he comes, and I sat there - gently swaying and trying not to spill my coffee all over it, because for some reason it’s fucking beige - and looked out over the city skyline. 

I slugged back my coffee surrounded by all the stuff we’ve panic-bought for the baby, and I got to take all of it in - washcloths and the changing table and romper suits - with a sudden focus and a clarity and a rising excitement that I really hadn’t allowed myself to feel until today, because until today the work was still unfinished and there was still much left to be done.

All at once I felt very free, and fully sated, and happy and proud for everything that’s coming next.

There’s so much to feel grateful for from the past three years of working on this show. But what’s probably going to sit with me the most is being able to arrive at that moment and those feelings today, - and we have all of you incredible people to thank for that.

Not just in terms of listenership or financial support, although that’s been truly invaluable and a lifeline for us that’s enabled us to actually make the show - but also your enthusiasm, your passion, your jokes and comments and everything that’s helped to keep us motivated and working on it.

So - with as much feeling as words can convey, thank you so, so much for everything.

What’s coming next, in rough order

#1: Parentdom is going to take over our lives for a while! I also want to write the final Patreon episode commentaries in the next few days, while I have the time and the clear memories. #2: The next thing we’ll organise will be the post-season Q&A (we’d also like to do some kind of off-camera cast party if we can make schedules work, just to say thank you to our amazing VAs and celebrate with them). Please do ask us questions! #3: We have long-unfinished commitments to the Patreon which I need to complete: the last two episodes of So Long, Good Luck, and rounding off Sid Wright’s story. As ever, huge thank-yous for your patience with these; they’ve just been impossible to polish off while also working on the main show so much. #4: Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time is the possibility of going back to Season 1 and redesigning it from scratch to try and bring it closer in style to S2 and S3. We have the raw audio files - some of the mic quality will just be rough no matter what, but we can certainly try.  This is something I want to be conscientious and careful about; I very much want to respect the sound design work that’s already taken place, and ensure we’re not overriding anything. But I do know that the initial quality still sometimes puts new listeners off; we were learning a lot about direction and mastering from scratch, and our designers were working with limited budget and a total lack of plugins, so there’s simply a lot more we can achieve now. (This would also be a good opportunity for me to finally rework the transcripts, another fallen hurdle). #5: A few months back, we were contacted by a literary agent in NYC who was interested in us adapting the show into a series of novels. There’s a long road ahead to actually get published, but I'm thrilled to say that I have signed with them and I’m really excited to hopefully start work on the first book once I’ve settled into dad-dom. I’ll need to check what’s possible, but if it doesn’t interfere with any contract condition I’d obviously love to share excerpts on here as it’s written. #6: Then there’ll also be another larger audiodrama project - we’ve spoken about the different possibilities before! Excited to get started on our final choice.

Just one last word about endings

God, endings are scary. Because endings are impossible.

How many serialised stories actually end in a way that’s received unequivocally well?  People yelled at The Sopranos for its ambiguity and open-endedness. People criticised Breaking Bad for treating Walt too sympathetically at the end and relying on a generic mob of snarling Nazis to act as his final foe.

Endings are either too pat and neat, or too inconclusive to be satisfying, or too surreal and dreamlike, or they simply make what feels like the wrong choices for the characters we care about. We’re all caught in that barbed wire, creators and audience alike, weighed down by the baggage of what’s come before and we've already spent so much time anticipating the infinite possibilities of how it could all turn out - it’s like we can’t get free of the story that’s trying to end. 

And the beautiful thing about these longform, iterative works is that they insist upon becoming completely ungovernable. No matter how much of a planner the creator claims to be, how much prepwork they carry out - they were never really in control. There’s spontaneity and surprises and dead ends and beautiful distractions that come spilling out along the way (I was baffled and delighted to learn that people really - at the end of the show, with such limited time to spare - wanted to find out what had happened to Eddie*). 

So they can’t end. Not really. There’s too much wonderful mess in them to ever be reasonably disentangled.

And, of course, for every ending people remember with frustration or dissatisfaction, there’s another hundred endings that nobody remembers at all, because we lost our enthusiasm along the way and it feels better to keep going back to the start and avoiding the slow decline. (Who the fuck remembers how the umpteenth X-Files reboot ended? What increasingly tired post-modern antics was Alan Moore getting up to in the final League of Extraordinary Gentlemen books?). I really just didn’t want the show to end up in that latter category.

All of that probably sounds like I’m warding off criticism about the show's ending, but for me it’s actually been the opposite. 

For an ending which is all about narrative dissatisfaction, and failed potential and missed opportunities, and how we need to come to terms with the lack of existential fairness and certainty and narrative control in our lives and keep ploughing forward all the same for as long as we possibly can, I’m massively stunned at just how positive the reception has been on here and elsewhere, and that’s something I’m actively having to process, because I think I was fearfully anticipating much more pushback.

But, look - the Eskew finale was originally quite poorly-received and then people came back around to it over time. So I’m not going to pat myself on the back too hard, because maybe it’ll ultimately be the opposite with this show, and that’s OK. For 200 years everyone was convinced King Lear was improved by having everyone survive at the end and get married. Endings take time to settle into their final condition.

For now, I am incredibly relieved that the ending we chose seems to have landed for most people, and I’m incredibly grateful for the lovely messages we’ve got about it and for the trust in us that you’ve all shown throughout the story.

So, yeah, let’s end with another thank you, because that’s what I feel so deeply and so forcefully at this point.

Thank you so much again, and speak soon.

Jon

*My take? We’ve established that the guy is in some kind of blue-collar job and has been pushed into constant overtime due to the reduced workforce. We’ve seen that the so-called ‘national holiday’ doesn’t actually rescue workers from their commitments. So I personally imagine that Eddie was working during the parade somewhere on the city outskirts, and is alive and well.

[is-this-yuri]

Please help me survive and escape homelessness.

GFM

KF

CA

I want to be safe by the winter of 2025.

I'm having a difficult time fundraising for my van. Repeated car troubles and various other unexpected issues have eaten into my savings multiple times, and while in a slump I wasn't making as many posts about my situation and I got significantly less donations over the last ~6 weeks on both my gofundme and my kofi/cashapp. While I've 'regained' a lot of what I lost, I've been spending about as much as is coming in. Aside from one instance, my emergency expenses were eaten by my fundraiser savings, which was then gained back about as quickly as I was spending it on my daily expenses. I still haven't reached the goal for the recent $1000 I had to spend on my car.

So far I've lost $2,200 of the $3,100 that's shown on the GFM. I'll be updating the fundraiser to reflect the loss.

I'm autistic and struggle just to meet my basic needs, and despite that I've been denied disability income multiple times. Failing to hold a job (and developing PTSD symptoms from my time being employed), and let down and abandoned by anyone who could support me, I'm left with few resources and few options. I try to make posts when I'm in a good mood, or keep people updated when I'm in a bad mood. I make videos on YouTube, hoping eventually I can show people what their money has gotten for me.

On a good month, I only spend about $600, leaving me some space to save the donations I was previously getting. With winter and the holidays coming, I'm not sure I'll be getting as much money as the warmer months, and I'll be spending more on keeping myself warm and fed over the winter. It will be more like $800/mo now. The only real solution is getting more money than I'm spending, as I'm already spending as little as I safely can.

I'll only take financial advice from someone who has lowered their expenses below mine, with the same disabilities and circumstances as me. What I need is more money, and I don't always have the energy to pay back with art and things like that. I don't even always have the energy to post my pleas for help. I don't have a sponsor to help me make these posts.

I'm in a low energy mode because what can I do with no money? In a state where I have to spend as little as possible, see such slow results, see most of it taken by things outside my control, and somehow keep up hope that this will work?

When I feel safe and have adequate shelter in a van, I'll be able to REST. And then start working harder and making more money one way or another. Whether you think I should suck it up and get a job or you want to see me become a content creator, I need money for any kind of opportunity and I'm just not getting enough.

So, thank you to everyone who's suppported me so far. Thank you to the repeat supports. I'm sorry I had to spend your money on other things. Thank you to the person who covered most of a huge expense I was stressing about a couple months ago. Thank you to the person who sent me $200 to get a hotel and told me to take care of my mental health before saving anything. Thank you to the blogs that have featured my fundraiser in your posts. Thank you to everyone who keeps boosting and cheering me on even though you can't support financially.

I don't know what else I can do to get more people like that to see me. There are so many options on the internet, but it's still a daunting task and as much as I can't really afford to rest, I have to sometimes. Often, in fact.

Please keep boosting this post until my goal is really met. Until I can spend more than $600 a month and actually earn your money rather than beg for it.

[psychicbergara]

so some things to clarify before i say anything:

watcher is NOT deleting their videos or archiving their old stuff on youtube, it's still going to be there for everyone to watch!!

they will upload new content on there but only the season premieres of their shows

i think a lot of people are forgetting that they're still, essentially, a small company with a small group of creatives trying to make a living

all this to say-- i get that it's frustrating and upsetting for a lot of people (and honestly myself included at first bc im going through some financial stuff rn) and i do think there should be a better middle ground for those who cannot afford this, especially for people in other countries.

but i think a lot of us are forgetting that they are independent content creators who have to support their own staff and crew, give them livable wages, while also finding ways to be sustainable for the future. they are not a Corporate Streaming Site. a bigger budget with better quality shows costs money unfortunately so they had to find a solution that was better for them. and it does suck because this ostracizes a lot of their audience (seen from most of the backlash). so that's why im hoping they eventually find something for those who can't be able to pay in the future since most of their audience seems like they can't afford it. which i totally get in this economy 😭

we also don't know how much content they'll put out on the streaming site- if it's gonna be daily content, weekly, etc, it might change from their usual youtube schedule.

i'm still excited for them!! this is a huge step forward for them especially since they can control whatever they produce now vs having to be controlled by a media conglomerate. and eventually, i hope i can support them. i'll still be here bc i love them. but i get why people are upset about this, but again, please don't spread misinformation!! their old stuff is still gonna be on youtube. so let's wait and see y'all 🙏🏽

[janeyseymour]

Save Me Before I Lose Myself- part 9

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6. Part 7. Part 8.

Summary: Family court is a nightmare. But all nightmares come to an end.

WC: ~2.45k

You toss and turn all night, and when you finally fall into a fitful sleep, your alarm goes off. You already hate today. But still, you roll out of bed and head into your daughter’s room. She’s sound asleep, curled up with her favorite stuffed animal and snoring quietly. You take a few extra minutes, minutes you know you probably don’t have to waste, to just sit by your little girl and pray. You pray for a long life of just you and her finally finding your happiness. You pray that she never loses what small pieces of innocence she has back. You pray to God that you get her as far away from Carrie as possible- that maybe… maybe you find happiness in a new life with Melissa and Barbara to help you raise this sweet little gift from God.

Brushing a few stray hairs away from her face, you smile gently. God, Millie is perfect- there is not one thing you would change about her. Because even when it comes down to it, and she is a child who has her moments, Amelia has the biggest heart, the warmest smile, and the sweetest soul that could touch anybody who has the absolute blessing of meeting her.

“Millie Mill,” you whisper as you shake her shoulder gently. “Baby girl, it’s time to rise and shine.”

“Momma?” a sleepy voice almost whines.

“Yeah, sweetness, it’s Momma,” you chuckle. “Who else would it be?”

“Mel,” your daughter shrugs as she cracks an eye open.

“Well, I can smell breakfast being made downstairs, and I just woke up,” you chuckle. “Why don’t we go see what Mel is making?”

Your little girl sits up and rubs at her eyes sleepily, but then she does make for the kitchen.

Melissa, fully dressed and made up for the day, is standing by the stove making a spread that could feed three families, and Millie is quick to wrap her arms around the woman’s waist. “Melly,” she mumbles sleepily.

You see the redhead tense for a quick second before she relaxes and drops a gentle kiss to your daughter’s head. “Hey Mill.”

“Sleepy. I don’ wanna go to court today,” your daughter sighs.

Melissa grimaces slightly. “I know hun. But you gotta if you wanna stay with your momma. And Mel and Barb will be there for you too.”

“Auntie Barb,” Millie sighs softly, but just loud enough for both of you to hear. Both yours and Melissa’s eyes widen at that first word- that powerful word.

“Yeah, hun,” the redhead finally starts again. “Go sit at the table with your momma. Breakfast is almost ready.”

Your little girl comes and sits right in your lap, content to get in a few extra cuddles this morning. The teacher of the house brings over all of the platters and a fresh mug of coffee for you.

“Thank you,” you sigh quietly.

Melissa smiles at you. “Of course.” Breakfast is eaten in a stiff silence for the first time in a long time, and when it comes time to start getting ready, the redhead swoops in again. She takes Millie to get her ready while you prepare yourself for what you can only assume is going to be a long and hellish day of fighting for your little girl.

And then Barbara shows up in her own car and escorts you to the courthouse. The four of you find your way in and sigh.

Carrie fights. Carrie fights hard, and she fights dirty. She fully intends on throwing you under the bus and winning this fight.

Her first claim is that she is Millie’s biological mother. And that is a true fact. But your lawyer argues that you are just as much Millie’s mother as Carrie- your name is on that birth certificate too. Your lawyer argues that blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb in this case- you take care of Millie, not Carrie.

Then she tries to argue that you won’t be able to support your daughter fully financially. Your lawyer disputes that argument and states that finances wouldn’t be an issue for you because spousal support does indeed exist for this exact circumstance. He then looks to Melissa, who stands, much to your surprise. But she has a knowing look on her face, and you can only assume that she and her buddy had orchestrated for this to happen.

“Your honor,” Melissa starts, and she already sounds much more formal than you’ve ever heard her before. “Y/N and Amelia won’t have to worry about finances, as they haven’t been troubled in that area for the months that they’ve lived with me. There hasn’t been any support from Carrie since the separation, and I do believe that this side of the party has been just fine- better than fine. I am happy to continue housing them and help to ensure that Millie is taken care of.”

“Thank you, for that,” the judge raises a brow. It’s clear he’s considering what the redhead stated.

And finally, Carrie attempts to claim that Millie needs two stable parental figures in her life- that she and the new boyfriend (apparently you ‘turned her straight’) would be able to provide much better for her than just you. The judge’s brow goes up, but his lip quirks in a way that you see he is definitely leaning towards joint custody. Your lawyer glances to you, and then he stands.

“Your honor, I think that since this is in regard to the child’s wellbeing, we should have Millie speak.”

“Your honor, she’s seven,” Carrie’s lawyer points out.

“And seven is old enough to know who she should want to live with for a majority of the time- to keep her within the parameters of her school, where she is quite happy,” your lawyer objects.

“Very well,” the judge mutters. He clears his throat, and he calls Millie to him.

Your little girl has never looked smaller standing next to him.

“Hi, sweetheart,” the gruff judge turns warmer when addressing your child, and you are eternally grateful for that. “Millie, yes?”

Millie nods her head and squeaks out a “yes”.

“Can you tell me about the times when you lived with both of your mothers?”

Your little girl does. She details the typical day that the she lived- from waking up with you and giggling, to going to school with you, to you picking her up, she’d make dinner with you, you would read with her or watch television with her, it was you who would help her with homework, it was you who told her to get in the shower and start getting ready for bed, you were the one who tucked her in at night and read her a story.

“And… Millie, where was your other mother during all of this?” the judge cuts in softly.

Your little girl shrugs. “I dunno.”

“That’s not true, Mill,” Carrie tries to butt in, but the judge holds up a hand.

“That’s not the end of my days though,” your daughter says softly. When the judge prompts her to continue, she details how she would hear the berating at night, the slaps and pleas for Carrie to stop, the crashing of furniture and decor.

“And who was the cause of that?”

Millie doesn’t even say Carrie’s name- just points to her with a frown. “She hurt Momma. And she tried to hurt m-”

“Amelia!” Your soon to be ex-wife leaps out of her chair and points an accusatory finger. “You stop telling lies right this instant, young lady!”

“I- I’m not,” Millie whispers to the judge. “I promised not to lie, and I don’t break promises. That would be bad.”

“I believe you, honey,” the judge promises your daughter. “Can you tell me about the days now that you’re living with your Momma and Melissa?”

The day that your daughter details in regards to living with her teacher are much brighter- full of more love and smiles. She lets the judge know that she adores living with you and Melissa. Her days start with you waking her, Melissa cooking a delicious breakfast, driving to school with the redhead and singing songs, loving always having you pick her up on time, eating dinner together and actually enjoying meal times, bedtime… She tells the judge about the day she was sick, and Melissa stayed home with her while you went to work but when you came home she was given so much love. It’s clear to everybody in the room, including Carrie, which life Millie likes more.

“That sounds like quite a fun time living with Melissa,” the judge quips thoughtfully. “I have one more question for you.”

“Yes?”

“If you were given the choice of who to live with, who would you go to?”

Your daughter doesn’t even hesitate. “Momma and Melly.”

You feel Melissa reach forward and squeeze your shoulder gently from her place, but you also hear Carrie begin to shout. She flies off the handle and tells the judge that everything the little girl said was lies- orchestrated lies that you trained your daughter to say. 

The judge doesn’t like that one bit, and Carrie’s lawyer even tries to get her to simmer down.

“Mr. Judge, sir,” Millie whimpers quietly. “I- I don’t want to go to M-Mom and her boyfriend… I- I’m scared.”

The judge glances to Carrie, but at this point, she’s lost it. The woman that you used to call your life partner rushes to Millie and grabs her roughly by the arm. She begins shouting at her, shaking her, telling her that she is such an ungrateful little-

She’s torn away from the stand by one of the security guards and hauled out of the room, much to the dismay of her lawyer. He knows in that instant that he’s lost the case entirely. You’ve won. There’s no way she didn’t just put the nail in her own coffin with that little stunt. Millie, not caring that she’s supposed to stay side by side with the judge flies into your arms. You soothe her the best that you can as she climbs into your lap and buries her face in your shoulder. The little girl reaches for Melissa too, who very quickly leans forward and begins to shush your daughter gently, running her hand over Millie’s shoulder and wild locks.

The rest of what the judge has to say is a blur, but you hear the gavel slam down, and Millie, Barb, and Melissa are hugging you with such ferocity that you know you won. You have sole custody of your sweet ray of sunshine.

The next thing that you can clearly comprehend is being shuffled out of the courtroom and into the Howard van with Millie on your hip and smiling into your shoulder while Melissa holds your free hand gently.

“You won,” Melissa whispers as she pulls you in close and daringly presses a quick kiss to your cheek. “Congratulations, hun. I knew you would.”

The kindergarten teacher smirks at that action. But then she too is offering her congratulations, and you can’t help but grin.

“I’d say this calls for a celebratory dinner,” Melissa states. “Whatever the two of you want. Barbara, you’re more than welcome to come. Invite Gerald too.”

“Ger is gonna come?” Millie’s head lifts from your shoulder, and she smiles brightly.

Barbara, who was fully intending on heading home and leaving the three of you to have a ‘family’ night, can’t find it in her to deny your little girl of her wish. “Of course. Let me call Gerald now, and we can pick him up on the way.”

“What’s on the menu tonight?” the redhead asks the two of you.

“Whatever Mill wants,” you grin. “Whatever my little girl wants.”

“Melly, can you make your meatballs?”

The kindergarten teacher has to bite back a laugh at your daughter calling Melissa by the one nickname she’s always notoriously hated. “Yeah, Melly. Can you?”

“Sure, Barbie.”

Dinner is… it’s exactly what you had always hoped your life would be when you were growing up. You might not have the perfect spouse, or even a spouse at all anymore. But you have your beautiful daughter, one who is happier than ever. You have your family, and it may not be the conventional family- but they’re family. Barbara Howard, Gerald Howard, and Melissa Schemmenti are family to you more than your actual family. They’ve been here for you through the toughest of times, and they’re only going to continue to support you in life. It may not be the most conventional family, but it’s family. It’s an ordinary family dinner where everybody is a little drunk on happiness, and that’s all you could ever wish for- happiness.

It’s an early night for your little girl. She falls asleep on you not thirty minutes into settling on the couch, splayed out over you and Melissa. Barbara and Gerald make their way out once they’ve finished their glasses of the champagne that they bought the night before- they knew you would be celebrating today.

The redhead’s arm makes its way around your shoulders again, and you can’t help but rest your head on her shoulder. It’s warm, it’s comfortable, and it’s something that just feels so natural to do.

“I know I said it before,” Melissa sighs softly. “But congratulations.” She presses a soft kiss to your temple.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” you tell her honestly. “I- I really don’t think I would’ve been able to have the courage without you by my side.”

“You would’ve,” the second grade teacher tells you quietly. “I know you would’ve.”

“Well,” you turn to look up at her. “Still. Thank you.”

You stretch up to kiss her cheek, and then you linger there for a few seconds. Her eyes meet yours, and then they glance down at your lips. You think she might kiss you, and your heart begins to beat out of your chest.

But she doesn’t. Melissa knows that today left you rather vulnerable, and she doesn’t want to take advantage of you in this state. If she does ever make her move on you, she wants you to be stable and healed, and ready. And right now, you aren’t ready. And that’s okay for her. She’ll wait.

She smiles warmly at you before looking down at the little girl asleep in your laps. “I think this could be the perfect start to your new life.”

“This is all I could ever want,” you whisper. And then you close your eyes, and you drift off into the easiest sleep you’ve gotten in years. 

AND THAT IS A WRAP ON THIS FIC- I HOPE YOUSE ENJOYED IT! Theres definitely a possibility of this little world continuing on, but for now... that's all folks!

Tags: (and let me know if you want to be included!): @schemmentis @thesapphictimelady @marvel210 @itisdoctortoyousir @morgana-larkin @doesthatsuggestanythingtoyou @marvels--slut @sweetcheeksschemmenti @megamultifandomtrashposts @lemz378 @http-sam @melissaschemmentisbranzino @imaginesmultifandoms @sexysapphicshopowner @lilfartbox1 @maybe-a-humanbean @imlike-so-gaydude @a-queen-and-her-throne @notinmyvocab @melanielaufeyson @dvrkhcld @cosmichymns @sasheemo @m1lflov3rrr @ricejucie @temilyrights @emilynissangtr @squinnchy @dopenightmaretyphoon @emeraldoceansstuff @shinyfaerielights @blkmxrvel @marvelwomenrule

[merchelsea]

sacrifice - lando norris

pairing: lando norris x fem!reader

summary: you and lando have a long distance relationship due to your hard work. you rarely have free time to attend to his races, the only one you actually attend every year is monaco's. you understand things will have to change when lando gets into a crash and that makes you want to be there with him at everytimes.

author’s note: i hate making myself go through this.

word count:

warnings: lets pretend lando crashed duriung the interlagos gp, not the LA one, for the sake of the plot :)

"hey, babe!" you mumbled as you stirred from your nap. originally meant for a quick rest before the race, it turned into a marathon of sleep that spanned the entire duration of the race. checking the timing, you muttered, "shit."

"were you asleep?" he chuckled.

"yeah... I'm sorry babe. I was just trying to catch up on some sleep debt before the race. I am just tired..." you explained with a low rumble. lando always had a away of understanding things. "anyways, how did it go?"

"not so well, i am kind of glad that you didn't watch it, you would've freak out unnecessarely." he sighed

"why? what happened?" you sat up, eyes squeezed shut in alarm.

"it was nothing serious, just a crash." he reassured. the word 'crash' froze you, an unsettling feeling settling in your chest. "I'm fine now; I'm at the hospital doing some tests."

you didn't answer him and he immediately sensed your worry, it was your usual reaction whenever he had an incident. it was your own way to deal with stuff. "I'll have to stay here in brazil for some extra days. we don't want to rush things. everything is alright, but still."

"yeah, I know. how are you feeling? any pain? wasit bad? why are you at the hospital? is there anything they're worried about?" your thoughts rushed out, anxiety evident. you wished you could've been there with him, knowing how much he disliked going through hospitalization alone.

"calm down, baby. I'm fine, no pain. they gave me painkillers for my headache," he began, his voice carrying weariness and sadness. "the crash felt horrible from inside the car, but I've seen the footage, and it wasn't that bad. I don't think they're worried about anything specific, just my racing career," he added with a hint of self-deprecating humor.

"shut up. you know those jokes aren't funny, right?" you retorted, hating his tendency for such jokes. "anyways, I miss you so much. you have no idea." placing your phone on the bed, you awaited his response as you searched for your notebook.

"I know babe, I miss you like crazy too. and i won't be able to be home for some more days, as i told you. i hate it." you both sighed. "but it's okay, i'm glad you weren't here this time."

although you felt the honesty in his words, you could also know that it was pure bullshit. he wanted you to be there more that anything, and the fights you two had over the past weeks showed that clearly.

lando felt your support fading away and, as always, he talked about it with you, but there was nothing you could do, you could not just leave your work and follow him around the world.

your life had to come first. you couldn't be financially dependent. you had never wanted that for yourself.

"I love you, lando. you know that, right?"

"i know. I love you too." anuncomfortable silence lingered, more apparent to him than to you, as you were preoccupied with booking a flight to brazil. "look, I have to hang up to do some exams. I'll call you as soon as I can, yeah?"

"yeah, okay. keep me updated, for the love of god." he laughed and silently hang up.

as soon as you were able to, you called your boss, letting her aware of the whole situation, who, understandingly, granted you a week off, more than you needed. grateful, you expressed your thanks in every single way you could.

as you couldn't just fly there without someone knowing, you called lando's dad to let him know that you were going. he was thankful that his son had found someone who cared so much about him, and as so helped you through everything.

you would obviously be staying at lando's room with him, so you didn't need to worry about that, but there were things you actually needed to deal with and that's where he was an absolute angel, taking care of everything for you.

the flight proved to be torturous; sleep eluded you, your mind consumed by worry for your boyfriend, presently hospitalized in a foreign country that held no appeal for him. the inability to communicate with him intensified your anxiety, and the endurance of such a long flight was a challenge unfamiliar to you.

the only thing keeping you focused on trying to sleep was knowing that you'd see lando soon and that you needed to be sane.

once you arrived in brazil, adam had already sent an uber to pick you up and drop you at the hotel. you were eternally grateful for him. your appreciation deepened when, upon entering the hotel, you found everything seamlessly taken care of, allowing you to reach his son without delay.

he drove you there himself, the casual conversation during the car ride centered uiquely around the topic most dear to both of you—lando's health.

every detail adam shared heightened your awareness; lando was okay, but not as well as he should be. the information failed to ease your mind, creating a lingering unease.

after reaching the hospital, the attending doctor informed you that lando was still asleep but encouraged you to enter. you opened the door to his room, and an immediate sense of tranquility washed over you. lando's peaceful slumber tugged at your heartstrings, and the sight of his features made you want to cry; you had missed him so damn much.

you took his hand, staying by his side as he slept. despite your exhaustion, the anticipation of his awakening kept sleep at bay.

lando woke up and confusedly stared at you for five minutes straight. in his head, he was trying to figure out if you were real or if his desperation had just made you up. you squeezed his hand and that seemed to clear his mind. you were in fact there.

"love?" he muttered, scared of being wrong.

"hey baby" you whispered to him, smiling softly.

"you're here? what are you doing here?" he hurriedly sat up, his expression filled with worry, like he wasn´t the one on a hospital bed.

"i'm here to see you." you extended your hand and let it travel through his face. "got the week off, couldn't leave you alone." his smile was priceless. he rushed his arms around your waist, since you were standing now, and pulled you closer to him, head in your belly.

when he told you he had missed you like crazy, he didn't define it well enough.

he locked his lips with yours as soon as he had a chance. you missed that feeling, you missed it too fucking much. you missed everything about him too fucking much, and maybe this misfortune was just what you needed to realize that something had to change. you couldn't miss him like this all the time.

it was literal hell, for the both of you.

adam entered the room after some time and, from his face, you could see he carried good news.

and you were right. "you are free to leave today, all the exams cameback with positive answers. you still have to stay in brazil, of course, a flight so long could jeopardize your health, so you'll have to stay for a bit longer, but you two can go stay at the hotel for tonight.

you and lando celebrate this little "victory" with each other and then you start talking about going home, anticipating what you'd do.

the room was uncharacteristically quiet as he payed attention to the TV and you lost yourself in your own mind.

"I think I might quit my job." you let out with your head layed in his chest. he twists his head to look at you. "what?" he asks, clearly confused, in his head, trying to figure out where all of this was coming from.

yes, it's true that he didn't like to travel around the world every year and leave you behind, and it's also true that this past year, he felt your support fade away, but he didn't want you to leave your life in second place for him. he knew, and understood, how important for you it was to have your financial independence.

he had started to feel guilty, even though this was not his fault.

you thought and rethought about it during your flight, since it was the only thing you could do. of course you never wanted that, but you also couldn't bare the distance anymore, and his accident showed you that.

you wanted to be there, to be able to celebrate every single one of his podiums by his side and not over the phone, you wanted to be able to hold and support him whenever he needed you to do so.

six years into your relationship, neither of you envisioned it ending anytime soon. if it did, you had your savings, but for now, you craved closeness.

"seriously. i want to be with you. i think i never noticed how affected i was by your absence, but i am a lot." you admitted with a sigh. helistened intently. "I want to be able to be with you."

"are you for real?" he asked, concern in his eyes. "I don't want you to feel pressured to do that. I love you whether you're here or on the other side of the world."

"I know, lan. it's not like I would stop working. I just have to find something within my capacities that allows me to travel around the world with you. and it's not like you're going to break up with me, leaving me with nothing. I have my money."

"it's not like I'm gonna break up with you, period." he smirked. "we're a forever thing."

turning you around as if you were as light as a pillow, you wrapped your arms around his neck.

"I love you," you whispered against his lips.

"I love you too," he whispered back.