#and of course spleen

[mycroftrh]

Batfam finding out about trans!Tim’s missing spleen after his hysto (he got top a few years before) when he says “Damn, I’m just losing organs left and right. I’m down nine now. At this rate there won’t be any left by the time I’m 40.” And everyone’s desperately counting on their fingers trying to figure out how he got to nine

[ladysophiebeckett]

guess who had to have emergency surgery on labor day when most vet offices are closed bc their tummy got twisted upside down bc of their huge barrel chest that's common in large dogs like german shepherds?

this dog right here. so pretty the vet attendants said 'come here girl' and i said 'see bobo ur so pretty they think ur a girl😍'

[dongiovannitriumphant]

trying to be positive when my colleague was told at an interview for the same kind of position i want that they look down very severely on being in the position we are now for more than shortly(he did not get the job) and my other colleague said the researchers consider us like sewer rats

[eisthenameofme]

Do not look under the cut if you don't want to see how fucked up and terrible my tonsils are I'm not kidding. I have acute pharyngitis.

[ditzybat]

tim: ugh, i can’t go into the sewers to follow croc, can’t risk an infection

jason: what, are the sewers not good enough for your bristol bred sensibilities?

tim: i have no fucking spleen jason, of course i’m not gonna go into the fucking sewers - i’ll literally die

[sheegons]

i love random damian skills that never get brought back they're so funny

Like yeah, of course this ten year old can mimic voices of teenagers and fully grown adults enough to trick THE FUCKING BATMANS SECURITY SYSTEM IN HIS MOST SECURE BASE. of course he can do that

also of course he can survive being stabbed in a vital organ. yeah. he can just...move it aside from the knife that he was stabbed with and heal fully while he sleeps. just move HIS LIVER out the way. I'm sure tim would appreciate that skill for his spleen but whatever.

[qcomicsy]

Yeah I know we all want to see the bat get Batshit when he learns that Tim lost a spleen but have you ever considered he just having a big dad sight™ closing his eyes and saying:

"... Of course he did." while he holds the bridge of his nose and following up with. "Let me see the scar."

[gaozorous-rex-blog]

Oooooh, that'd be so fun! But also, this little scene popped up in my head as soon as I read, "Jazz as Oracle":

Just as Tim was about to leave the Cave after delivering the latest samples from a Rogue attack, the Bat computer's screen lit up with a picture of Oracle on it.

She... Looked so much like Jazz it hurt. Well. A very, very overworked and underpaid Jazz. Which, was exactly what one Barbara Gordon WAS. To be honest, most superheroes were. At least in this life he got a great paycheck and an actual future to go with all the shitty trauma. Hurray for trust fund babies, I guess. Even when dropping out of highschool, you can get an amazing job.

"..im?! TIM!?!"

..Ah. He spaced out while staring at her. Awkward.

"Hey Babs. Sorry about that. What do you need?"

"Are you okay, Tim?? I called you like 10 times..."

"Yeah, just a bit tired. I'm going to sleep for like a week after this case," he jokes. Like they ever had time for that much sleep, but he's incredibly tempted to go on a damn vacation from his day job just to get over himself enough to get work done as efficiently as possible again. These memories were incredibly inconvenient, especially when it involved regaining past powers when one worked on a team of POWERLESS individuals. Yeah... Life hates him.

"Living the dream right there," she jokes right back, but he can tell through her eyes that she's still worried about him. "Anyway, I'm just doing another info drop on the case, and just wanted to check in on you, what with that fight with Scarecrow a week ago... You know you can rely on the girls and I to cover for your patrol or talk to any of us about what happened if you want, right? You aren't alone, Tim. We're here for you if you need us."

Sigh. Of course. Ever since that night and after recovering enough to function, then basically telling them to fuck off in more polite words (and then later in less polite words when they kept bothering him), they've all been hounding him with all of this feel good shit they don't even actually believe in when it comes to him. He was so over it it's not even funny. He couldn't repress his bitter chuckle.

"Are you kidding me? I'm definitely not useful enough to you to ask for that sort of thing. See ya, O. I got shit to do."

And with that, he turned around, marched to his bike, and revved out of the Cave like the hounds of hell were after him. He didn't notice nor care to notice the absolutely stunned face of one Barbara Gordon as she watched him leave.

This... Definitely complicated things. Bruce was going to have a conniption. Dick... Oh, DICK... Barbara was already getting a headache over the wailing he'll no doubt be doing once he finds out what Tim thinks of them all. If she could get them all to stay alone in a room with a therapist, she'd literally beg Harley to help them with as much of their issues as possible. But it was like trying to herd CATS with these idiots. Tim especially. He was the wiliest cat of all of them. Sigh. Well there goes her already booked evening. She's so glad her couch is the comfiest cloud to rest on. She's gonna need it after this shit show of a debrief. (But if it could somehow help Tim, then she would consider it worth it.)

Screaming into the night

Danny is reborn as tim.

Tim gets his memories back near the beginning of his robin run when he still has a rocky relationship with Bruce. He’s scared and keeps his mouth shut. This goes on for years never getting the right time to be revealed.

It isn't until the scarecrow uses a new fear gas that it comes up. Tim is hit and has to relive the portal incident. He is screaming with no brakes and does not respond to anyone.

The bat family has idea what he is seeing but they do find out from scarecrows taunting that the gas makes you relive your most painful memories. The entire family is wondering when this happened and when Tim wakes up he is not going to be very forthcoming.

[haveihitanerve]

Four Times the Batkids Forget They're Adopted, and The One Time Damian Forgets He Isn't

It had started off as a joke, as most things do, and Dick meant nothing behind it, really. It was amusing to him, actually, to tell his coworkers things about Batman and pass it off as his father. “Oh my dad? Yeah hes not big on talking. He loves showing me he cares though.” (this was, of course, in reference to Batman doing three back flips and a kick split when Nightwing had patrolled with him the other day, a classic Nightwing move) But it soon…went deeper. Dick stopped making jokes out of it, and actually began listing things about Bruce. About his Dad. It didn't help that his police friends were actually interested. “So did you and the old man do anything fun over the weekend?” Dick thought back to how he had wanted to surprise Bruce by stopping by for dinner and instead had ended up in the sewer eating granola bars on a stakeout for killer croc, who had escaped. Again. “Oh yeah we had a picnic.” Dick nodded, smiling at Randy. “Yeah. He’s, he’s kinda bad at remembering when to eat a meal on time and all that.” Dick laughed. “Its something I share too. Must be genetics.” He rolled his eyes. Randy laughed, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “I hear you. My old man smoked all the live long day. I try to keep it down, but that addiction gene is just strong eh?” Dick chuckled. “Yeah I guess.” His phone buzzed in his pocket and he waved to Randy, turning to tug it out. It was one, simple message from Babs. “Ur adopted genius. What genes.” 

Jason didn't even know how they had gotten on the topic. But here they were. “Yes. I got my mothers hair, of course, but I get my temper from my father.” Artemis was saying. “I have parents.” Bizarro grunted. Roy laughed, smacking him on the shoulder. “Well you certainly didn't get Kal’s looks buddy. But you do have his killer hair.” Starfire laughed. “That is true. I, for one, share my parents hair and have my fathers powers. But truly the best gene I was given were my mothers eyes.” They all turned to Jason. “What about you?” Roy asked. Jason scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, I used to have my dads eyes but um after the pit y'know,” He waved to his now green eyes. “And actually I have my dads dark black hair, and he’s graying early too, which might be why my white streak is so prominent.” They nodded in agreement. “But yeah, hes actually a little taller than me so maybe I’ll still grow a few inches but uh yeah. I don't… remember my mother enough to talk about her.” “Dang man. I wish we could meet your dad.” Roy murmured, laying a comforting hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Then we could really compare. I mean-” He laughed. “You sound like his carbon copy.” Jason frowned at his friend. “What do you mean? You’ve met Bruce?” They stared at him. “Jason,” Artemis began slowly. “Aren't you adopted?” 

Tim hunched over the information form, eyes straining to read the small print. His hand reached up to stifle a yawn and he settled for a sigh instead. It was late, but Tim needed to get the form done before he went to bed, otherwise everything would be far too stressful in the morning. He reached over and grabbed his coffee mug, a dark black cup that had a red R painted on it poorly. Bruce had made it for him a few years ago when he had first become Red Robin. He sipped it, staring down at the medical form. “Gods I hate having to do this.” He muttered, but reluctantly grabbed the thick medical binder Alfred had obligingly gotten for him when he had asked for medical records of the family. Tim did not under any circumstances, want to have to sit at the doctors office the next day and somehow lie his way through all the medical questions relating to his family history. He didn't have the time nor patience for it, and it was crucial he was given proper medical advice what with his missing spleen. “Any history of heart issues Bruce?” Tim muttered, flipping back past Martha and Thomas to Bruce’s great great great grandfather. “Nope, guess not.” Tim was halfway through the form when he realized the blood coursing through his veins wasn't Bruce’s. 

Steph rubbed a hand across her belly, staring at the monitor. “Your baby looks good Ms. Brown. They’re at the proper stage. Due in about two months. We’ll see you back here for your next check up.” “thank you doctor.” Steph murmured, sliding off the bed and dressing quickly before hurrying out to her car. The car door slammed shut behind her and she breathed, pressing her forehead to the steering wheel. Her phone buzzed. She lifted it and pressed it to her ear, hitting accept. “Hello?” “hey Steph.” Bruce’s voice vibrated through the phone. “How was your doctors appointment?” Steph gave a bitter laugh. “Everything looks good. The baby will come in about two months.” “Thats good. Thats real good.” Steph nodded, eyes closed. “You doing okay Stephanie?” Bruce asked, voice soft. “I don't know.” her voice broke and she squeezed her eyes shut, fighting tears. “I just- I’m so scared Bruce. So scared.” Bruce hummed comfortingly through the phone. “I know Steph. Its scary. And parenting, its hard.” Steph coughed out a watery chuckle. “Was that a hit?” She muttered, rubbing a hand over her face. Bruce chuckled. “No. Baby it wasn't. And just think, you’ll get to see all the firsts I didn't get with you. Their first steps. Their first wave. You might even get to hear them say mama before i kidnap- i mean adopt him or her.” Steph laughed again, and it sounded less watery. “Yeah. Well, when do kids start walking?” She asked in interest, sniffing and sitting up straight again. Bruce hummed. “Well i started walking almost immediately, but Im special.” Steph laughed. “Of course.” “alfred said i first started talking when I was around thirteen months old, and Talia said Damian was walking by ten, but she could have been lying.” Steph nodded. “Tell me more.” She whispered. Bruce obliged, happy to distract her. “Oh and whats probably going to be your favorite, babies, or at least I did, start laughing at around four months.” “laughing?” Steph gasped. “Oh Brucie!!! Thats too funny! Little chubby baby you, the future batman, laughing!” She cooed. She could almost feel his eye roll through the phone and stifled her laugh. “So yeah..” Bruce finished. “You should expect your kiddo to start walking around then. And laughing probably sooner. I would have if you'd be in my life at that time.” Steph was quiet. “Thank you B.” He hummed. “Anytime Steph. I’ll always be here to help you.” “Wait wait wait-” a new voice joined in the background of Bruce. “Are you guys serious right now?” Steph identified it as Jason. “What?” Bruce asked puzzled. “B, Stephs adopted. Her kid is as likely to walk at the same time you did as when she did!” 

“Damian?” “Go away Drake.” Damian called back, riffling through the papers. “Dami?” Tim poked his head into his younger brothers room. “Oh hey kiddo. Whatcha doing?” “I am busy Timothy.” Damian countered in annoyance, shoving the box back under his bed and moving to his desk. “What are you looking for?” Tim asked puzzled. Damian ignored him. “Dami.” “Go away Timothy.” Tim crossed his arms, leaning against the doorframe. “Come on Baby Bird. Tell me.” Damian shook his head, covering the blush on his cheeks by poking behind the desk. “Damian.” Tim’s hand was suddenly on his back. Damian jumped. Tim held up his hands in surrender. “Just tell me. I’m sure I can help you find it.” Damian sighed in acceptance, cheeks pink. “I have.. Lost my adoption papers.” He muttered, staring at the floor. But Tim didn't laugh or ridicule him. In fact, when he looked up, his brother seemed thoughtful. “Well i know me and dick and jason have them hung over our beds…” His gaze drifted to the very clearly empty space above Damians bed. “I know.” Damian jerked his head in a nod. “That is why I wished to find it.” Tim nodded in understanding. “Well, lets go look in the den. Thats where Alfred keeps all the legal stuff.” Damian trailed after his brother to the living room and watched as he opened the cabinet and pulled out three boxes. “You look through this one, I’ll search these two.” Tim ordered. Damian nodded, accepting the box. It was where Alfred found them, two hours later, broom in hand. “My dear sirs, what are you doing?” The butler asked in bafflement. “Looking for Damians adoption record.” Tim answered, nose still in some papers. Alfred looked at them. “Master Tim. Master Damian.” The two boys looked up. “Yes Alfred?” Tim asked. Alfred's face was fond and utterly confused. “Master Damian is not adopted. He is Master Bruce’s blood son.” 

@nonepizzawithleftglitter @zombiewithaflowercrown

you asked and you shall recieve!

[incorrectbatfam]

How do the kids give Bruce psychic damage?

Damian: Father, can I drive the Batmobile?

Bruce: No.

Damian: *draws him as a Minion*

———————

Steph: Now that I'm eighteen, I need to register to vote. Can you help me?

Bruce: Of course.

Bruce: *pulls up the website*

Bruce: Date of birth?

Steph: August 11th, 2006.

———————

Tim: Can I sneak into the League of Assassins? I want my spleen back.

Bruce: Absolutely not, and that's final.

Tim: *goes to the Batcomputer*

Tim: *types in www.archiveofourown.org*

Tim: *searches Bruce Wayne/Hal Jordan*

Tim: *picks an E-rated fic*

Tim: *enables text-to-speech*

Tim: *leaves*

———————

Bruce: Barbara, can you help Alfred with the seating arrangement for the gala?

Barbara: Yeah, just send me the guest list.

[at the gala]

Bruce: *sits down*

Oliver: *sits down next to him*

———————

Bruce: I'll cut the perp off with the Batmobile. Hood, since your bike's out of commission, you'll need to commandeer another vehicle.

Jason: Roger that.

[later]

Jason, over the comms: Perp is secured.

Bruce: Good. Bring him in.

Jason: *pulls up in the Jokermobile*

———————

Harper: I'm taking a history class to fulfill my general ed requirements. Can I interview you for an assignment?

Bruce: Sure, what's it on?

Harper: The 2008 recession.

———————

Dick and Bruce: *fighting*

Bruce: That's it, you're benched.

Dick: Newsflash, orphan boy: you can't do that. I'm twenty-seven years old, which means I'm at the prime you wish you were. You're nothing more than a mummified raisin withering away in your dark, dusty corner waiting for the day one of us puts you in the retirement home, leaving you to slowly die alone as you wonder why your kids don't call. And when you finally kick the bucket, the first thing your parents will do when they see you is point you to the revolving door of reincarnation so they no longer have to bear the shame of giving you life.

———————

[at a gala]

Bruce: This is my daughter.

Cass: Hi my name is Cassandra Wu-San Dementia Raven Wayne.

———————

Bruce, holding a box: Guess what I found in the attic? My flip phone, VHS tapes, and Nintendo 64 from college.

Duke: Cool, I didn't know you were into the Y2K aesthetic.

[gayrefrain]

I never want friends to feel like they HAVE to hang out with me but it’s so frustrating being so flexible and accommodating only for my friends to cancel with me anyway. What’s the fucking point

[an-gothamite-aka-zannalial]

You know if Jason did become Talia's son I have the idea that he would be someone very famous among assassins and mercenaries, but in the hero community He is an anti-hero who must be captured and nothing more and is also a popular gossip item when it comes to hero failures (along side Roy of course).

As for the heroes he is just a red hood, Crime lord and anti-hero who has a special and complicated relationship with Batman, But for assassins and mercenaries who know enough about the world he is

An Al Ghul, the first child of Talia Al Ghul, the eldest grandson of Ra's Al Ghul, one of the princes of the League of Assassins and Shadows, someone you really have to watch out for because of his skills and position. And they realized that Talia would do anything for her child, even going against her father

Without his helmet he is one of the most feared people in the underworld, he knows many assassins and mercenaries thanks to all the missions he has undertaken and is friends with most of them.

So imagine.........

Dick: You know it's a rare month that Slade isn't trying to recruit me

Jason: Oh, that's because I asked him to look for something a few weeks ago

Dick: you ask deathstroke, ask ?

Jason: Yeah he owes me something

Dick: how ?

Tim: Sometimes I still miss my spleen you know

Jason: want me to ask someone to get it for you

Tim: who you gonna ask,It's literally in ra's

Jason: I can ask so many people like deathstroke,lady Shiva, mother of soul,deadshot, Talia, Constantine drakon, Dusan, nyssa, Ben Turner, merlyn. And more that I can ask, which one do you prefer

Tim:

Jason: what

Cass: I really want to know what happen to my dad

Jason: I can call someone to check on him, do you want

Cass: yes

Damian: this can be done if I can call my teacher akhi, but

Jason: which one do you mean Habibi I Will call them don't worry

Damian: how you gonna call him

Jason: I just call their phone number in my phone

Damian: you have their number

Jason: why not

Roy: you seem to be liked by all the assassin we just met huh

Jason: yeah they are my old friend

Roy: what

Jason: they just happen to be in the same misson with me

Bruce: Jay where did you find all of your trained goon

Jason: oh they are either fired form the league and join me, or just like me and follow me

Bruce: I'm not ready for that actually

Jason: good to hear

[rewrittenwrongs]

Talia should swagger into the Batcave without warning and slam down a jar on the table in front of Tim. The jar, of course, contains his spleen. Tim is relieved to see Talia went on the mission he sent her on and thus was not blown to pieces. The spleen jar is both a sort of truce offering and a ‘you are a large threat and I want to stay in your good graces’ gift. Everyone else is confused but Tim refuses to elaborate or even tell them what’s in the jar.

[cosmic-dust-poltergeist]

If Tim succeeded in making a clone baby of Kon, maybe even mixed his dna.

Tim, holding a toddler: So, uh, congrats, it's a boy?

Kon: What? I-? Did I get you pregnant??

Tim: We never- I- Conner! I tried to clone you when you were dead!

Kon, looking at the child: "Tried"

Danny, eldritch abomination reborn for shits and giggles: Ba!

Tim: Yes, tried. He's more like a test tube baby. I used both our dna and I'm pretty sure Ra's did something to him since Danny wouldn't stop biting him, with superstrength, and now his eyes flash green when he's stressed. If I find evidence Ra's did something other than take my spleen, I'm burning the rest of his hide outs to the ground.

Kon, attracted to this idiot: I'll help

Danny: giggling

Kon, wanting to be a good dad: Can I hold him? We should set up a visitation schedule. We need so many parenting book! Tell me everything!

Tim, handing him the baby: Of course

Danny, now planning a whole parent trap: Ga!

[leafsheep]

Some of the batfam have a mutually assured destruction policy when it comes to their secrets.

Like Damian knows about Tim’s missing spleen but he can’t tell Alfred bc then Tim would mention then multitude of surgeries he’s had to replace organs at the league and if that happens then Dick would get involved and then they’d mention his stint where he was trained by Deathstroke a few months after being kicked out of Gotham and then Jason would have to get involved because the “golden child” Dick Grayson trained with a mass murderer while Jason was becoming Robin? And of course that means Dick will point out how Jason has actively aided Selina in her burglaries since he met her and then while they’re at it he’ll also throw in all the tea he has on Khoa just to get Bruce in trouble too bc if they’re going do so is he.

Meanwhile Cass and Duke actually will just sit and eat ice cream together bc they’re smart enough to not let their shit be found out by the others. (They both actually know all of each others skeletons they’re just not snitches smh)

[ditzybat]

tim drake is the type of guy to drop random lore then walk away.

tim: ugh i hate baseball, it’s like, when you have to play it in order to save a whole planet once, every game after seem boring

dick: that’s not…

tim: only downside to that was how we almost totaled barts brand new spaceship

dick: what spaceship??

—

tim: oh, hi mom

shiva: hello timothy, how are you? still keeping up with your training i take it?

bruce: mother? she’s not your —

shiva: let’s spar then timothy, let’s leave it strictly non lasting injuries, i don’t rather feel like dying by your hand again today

tim: of course!! ^-^

bruce: again?

—

tim: man i forgot to take my meds again

duke: your meds for what?

tim: i have no spleen, so i have to take probiotics, it really is manageable but i dont know where those pills went

duke: i’m almost scared to ask, tim, how did you lose your spleen?

tim: weird spider dude, it was a whole thing

—

tim: you talk a lot of shit for someone who got replaced as heir to your immortal grandfathers empire by me

damian: you what!?

tim: i regularly beat his ass at online chess every week too, and i don’t think you’ve seen him since he stole your corpse

—

tim: here

jason: what’s this?

tim: a box of all the photos i took when i obsessively stalked you for your entire tenure as robin

jason: thanks?

tim: you’re welcome, bye!

jason: … creepy ass kid…

—

steph: so how did you to get together?

bernard: well —

tim: i saved him from a getting cut open by chaos monster cult members

bernard: yep, i was rescued from being a vessel for a greek god, and we just really clicked afterwards

steph: well, it’s better than the brick