#and maybe thats fine but UGH
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#is my day off and im happy cuz i have 2 days off in a row which i havent had in 2wks#and its been an exhausting couple of weeks so i had already given myself permission to relax today#but ive just been in my rocking chair and on my phone since i got up#and i feel loke i should move on to a dif activity or at least Watch Something#but i just keep being on my phone#and maybe thats fine but UGH#idk anyway#is the adhd most probs#cest moi#i guess#figgy rambles#adhd problems#figgy has a day off
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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i do not like when people say kaede would be a static protagonist if she survived the game like as if she wouldnt have 5 whole additional chapters for shit to be thrown her way and see how she'd change and adapt... plenty of writers have pulled off this idea with flying colors so idk why ppl say "ok but IN CANON kaede would just vote hope/despair in the end!" like LITERALLY WE DONT KNOW THATTT THOUGHHHH . shuichi was very different in ch1 compared to ch6 why is kaede exempt from this logic...............
#i legit think kaede would kinda go thru 'negative' development for a chapter or 2??#before smth causes her to lock tf in and drop that one-track mind naive mindset entirely she had in ch1#she would NOTTT be a good leader and ppl would quickly realize that and not see her as a reliable 'leader' type#after the death road despair#and finding out she went behind their backs with shuichi w their mastermind plan#who. well in most scenarios he'd be dead after ch1#usually thats how it goes#kaito would absolutely still play the role of a supportive friend for her like he did for shuichi tho thats just who he is#ugh i wanna write a kaede lives fic so badly but i have comorbid autism/adhd and a full time job and im mostly a visual artist#Sad! maybe someday#guys can you play touys with me (roleplay an entire rewrite of alt v3 where kaede lives so i dont have to write the whole thing myself#and we can get real weird with it)#anybody? no? thats fine.
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#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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noooo my brownies!
the container just got knocked off the bed and they all went in the floooooor.
FIVE OF THEM WERE LEFT. FIVE OUT OF THE NINE.
I hate wasted food.
#i will live but there goes my midnight snacks for a while#and my 'ugh all food is illegal but i can force myself to eat half of one of these calorie dense blocks' meals#i will be fine i have a few more box mixes i will make more tomorrow maybe#but i am almost out of cookie butter#and thats a big part of the flavor#funnily enough i tried several box mixes and the best one so far has turned out to be walmart brand?#duncan hines tasted like flavorless paste even jazzed up with milk and extra egg and vanilla#and it didn't rise like the great value did#me#my life#food stuff
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im just so fucking sad and scared all the time and its ruining my life
#i feel nauseous#shitpost#philosophy#memes#thoughts#writing#sadg#sadgirl#lyrics#like what do i do with me#i dont know what to do with me#thats a halsey lyric#security guards make me nervous#people in general really#im so sick of it#sick of myself#im so moppey ugh#maybe thats fine but i know too many people whod call me lazy and stupid for letting everything get to me so easily#i mean i had a shitty headache but#it got worse when security took my outside mfing alcohol#and the shame oh the shame#actually i thought that to myself while i walkednout the door#i feel a deep sense of shame#chronic shame#did you know thats a thing?#it fucking shouldnt be but what are you gona do#fucking christ and the one security guard who hit on me while i was breaking down in the library is walking around i wana kms#have a lit or really really really depressing funeral and done#i think my soul would be restless in the afterlife if i didnt have a worth while death#i want to have something thats worth dying over
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ppl really b acting as if there's only one specific ship that has weird shippers that will complain about ppl not shipping their otp. it's literally always the case you either get fucked over for liking a gay ship or for liking a straight ship or for liking a toxic ship or people just start going "oh there's nothing wrong with the ship but the shippers💀" and you don't fucking know what they're talking about. like can we all just chill. the weird shippers r everywhere it's called some ppl are assholes sometimes. it's not fandom specific
#it's like with the “x ship sent death threats to the author!”#first of all : proof?#second of all: I've heard this for multiple diff ships that is not new that is not exclusive to one fandom or one ship.#sometimes ppl in fandom r too invested and do stupid shit#god#I'm sorry I doomscrolled another Instagram reel comment section#it's just. I'm so tired of ppl talking about mha's fandom as if it's the worst thing of all time?#first of all no its not? fucking chill?#second of all. if the fandom is ruining the show for you then genuienly get off the internet#third. so sorry but half of the time when ppl say the mha fandom is awful they're either calling it cringe (fandom is always cringe get over#it it's ok) they're complaining about everything being gay (so you're a homophobe ok. literally what is wrong with making character queer#ON OUR OWN INTERPRETATIONS OF THE STORY. DUDE.#)#or theyre just.... picking up random shit thats been rumored to have happened or that's just an isolated thing that happens all the time in#every fandom (refer to my earlier points)#genuienly. if the fandom pisses you off that much. get off the internet . block the tags. like for your health.#it's so annoying to try and look at mha stuff or even TALK IRL#WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE MHA#(i am not fucking with you this has happened)#and being told or reading that oh mha is fun but the fandom sucks :///#sorry you don't experience whimsy and are incapable of curating your own experience?#Jesus#(there's also the ppl who r like ugh mha is mid mha sucks in like comments of mha fan but like fuck these guys#you're entitled to your opinion I if you don't like mha that's fine I'm not going to throw eggs at you but like...#why do u feel the need 2 go into a comment section of stuff that is about mha to say that mha sucks actually and the author is bad and the#characters r badly written and blah blah blah. LEAVE ME ALONEEEE)#Anyway maybe one day I will finally leave Instagram but for now I can't bc fukcing. ppl r on there#mumblings//#rant
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i truly from the bottom of my heart despise fireworks and everyone who uses them
#my dog is so scared :(((((( im so worried#and that makes me think abt all the dogs who are even more scared#so many ppl have to LOSE their dogs bc they dogs are so scared they DIE#cats and horses get traumatized and killed too#ugh no i just hate hate hate fireworks so much#it shouldnt be legal#like im 100% against it butwe could at least compromise#if they had a firework show somewhere maybe in the city center#and ppl had to go there or watch live#and they could only do it around midnight#but it should be illegal to sell and buy it for everyone else#fireworks are 99% bad for everything and only 1% pretty and they arent worth it#god my dog's scared but i still hope he'll be fine#my heart goes out to everyone who has to suffer thru LOSING their dogs/cats/horses thats so fkn awful#i cant express enough w words how much i FUCKING HATE FIREWORKS#i hate everyone who uses them!!!!!! everyone who supports them!!!!!!! fuck them all to hell
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sometimes i think that maybe i should just invest in popular ships and characters for the stuff i make so i wouldnt feel so fucking out of place constantly but i also know it would come with the cost of my motivation and happiness so its like
which one is a lesser evil for my mental health, doing something that would make me feel important but not happy or vice versa
#struggling. my brain is pudding#idk i just. sometimes i dont know why i write. i mean its obviously for myself and like one other person that it makes happy#but also then the disappointment of lack of interest and interaction makes me sad and upset#so like. i dont know. i know 'write for yourself first and foremost!' but thats also an issue#ugh. whatever. i know im not gonna change with this so idek why im complaining we'll just do this dance again in like a week#im just gonna dive back into stardew its fine whatever#maybe one day i'll write something thats actually worth of something. doubtful but whatever#im just sad today its fffffine#night is an absolute mess on main
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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my mom wants to medicate me at all costs
#for context#she has had me on adhd medications since i was in first grade#every single one of them has had horrible side effects#she said one of them made it where i didn’t smile for a month#and after years of this#instead of thinking maybe my child doesn’t need meds#she just kept going!!!#and eventually she found one she liked#and it gave me an eating disorder but nobody cared because i’ve always been skinny so obviously it’s natural for me to not eat much#(it’s not natural. i was gourging myself in the middle of the night when the meds wore off.)#and i genuinely had no emotions or personality but thats fine bc 13 year olds are shy and they pull away from their parents#and every time i said ‘hey mom and psychiatrist i don’t like the meds’ they’d fucking ramp them up#to the point that i was on a dosage that does not exist. i was taking multiple pills. because i was the only person on that dose.#i was fifteen.#and now i’m an adult and i NEVER take adhd medication for obvious fucking reasons#but any time anything negative happens with my emotions#like i’ll be like ‘ugh im frustrated at this video game’#my mom is like MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE ON 115 MG OF CONCERTA AGAIN. THAT WOULD FIX YOU.#i have the absolute lowest dose of vyvanse and i only take it when i ABSOLUTELY am sure i need to focus#and my mom wants me to take it to do shit like go to the arcade#she genuinely once said she likes me more when im medicated#so no#the red dye thing isn’t a genuine suggestion#it’s an attack on me. because she wants her freak kid to be normal so badly she’s willing to ruin its life.
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In light of recent news i may have to get a cd burner
#i already play music on my desktop so thats fine but car journeys are going to have to change#ive been meaning to get a physical dvd collection for a while now so it was just time but ugh like this#what about music from my phone#sigh#maybe i should make like that kid in my highschool who brought a cassette tape player everywhere#similtaneously the coolest and lamest person at the school#mmm im going to have to checkout other options though because GOD KNOWS im not going to deal with ads
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..
#god im so sorry for vènting so damn much there is something so wrong with my head right now#every bit of positive attention ive gotten recently or even just attention in general sometimes has made me want to shed my skin#and on top of that there are Things in my head and i am worried it may be ********* but im too frightened to do any sort of research into i#but also hooo boy do i feel like im faking because like jet come on thats a trauma thing. you just kinda got yelled at SHUT UP YOURE FINE#and thats probably the biggest thing fucking me up right now because like im probably wrong but what if im right. dear fuck what then.#ànd also im scared to talk about it with anyone that does experience ********* because i feel so shitty insinuating that i went through#something like that when i know damn well i didnt#like oh wow you had a weird childhood ok jet get fucked everyones got a weird childhood#anyway. i need to like#talk to a stranger with ********* so im not so grossly embarrassed maybe#fuck#also lìke i just wanna stop talking to everyone but i started a zine and i cant abandon that and its upsetting me#like i need to fade into nothingness but i cant right now :/#anyway . desr lord why am i like this. what is inside me. what is going on.#delete later#jet maybe you need to get hit real hard by a car and that will do a hard reset and everything will be ok#vent#ALSO MY PARTNER IS GŔADUATING AND I CANT FUCKING BE THERE.#was litèrally sobbing over that this morning. i am so proud of them and they look so happy but also i cant be there#all i want is to hug them and congŕatulate them in person and give them a big bouquet of flowers but NO.#anyway. UGH.
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btw just in case i seem callous abt the whole dating situation i was just being rather swoony over (god forbid i try to romanticize this bleak ass life) i want to bring up that this person made me carry a heavy fuckin camera case which. did not care to do that. and then sat while i tried to figure out how the fuck to put the rig and everything together and like. once again did not care to be fucking around with it that was honestly just soo irritating. like they were trying to just have one little moment of feeling better abt themselves lmao maybe im being evil idk and then also they brought up their ex for the zillionth time bc apparently all of their hobbies are tied up w her. shocker. anyway i think they think they can fix me
#and also now that several of the dykes have discussed i do think it's weird that they so avoid saying lesbian#esp for themself. which is like fine u dont have to id as anything. but like u know the vibe when someone just... yeah idk.#abby talks#and also i was so clear about not wanting anything serious being too busy rn not wanting to string them along when thats not smth im#focused on. and i think theyre just going to hold out hope ill change my mind even tho i already like said what i felt#which is ALSO pissing me off cause then on the other hand i felt sooooooo bad last night. and for what#communicating my feelings? sorry it was a bit abrupt but bitch you are not in love with me u dont know me. UGH!#WHERE is dyke grindr maybe i just need to take a chance out there..
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maybe controversial but to me most annoying people are the ones who like CONSTNATLY use complianing as a way of like bragging, or like they purposefully want you to pity them. like i mean its okay someitmes but i mean the ones that CONSTANTLY do it yk. like shutup i dont care if you have this SUPER hard class that only 5% of people get into and now you have to do homework ugh. or the ones who are like always talking about like unfavorable tings in their life (not necessarily the worst things, just things that aren't preferable) and like 'haha so coooool i looove my life' sarcastically like just own that its bad bro. or also like those people that aer like 'you got 5 housr of sleep? lol i got 2. love my life' SHUT UP!!!
#sunny rambles#like i dont mean that its bad and like it doesnt impact my life so idc it just annoys me#and like if you do those 3 somietmes thats fine w me i do it too but when you make every conversation you say about you like that ugh. lame#oh maybe the thing i hate is when people make that conversation about them#frankly i could also just be totally unaware of myslef i could also do it and just not know#i do know for sure though that i dont do the last one. or if i do then i dont do it often. and people who do it all the time are lame. sorr#like sometimes? thats fine. all the time? i am silently pulling a machete in my mind
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Also. While I'm posting personal stuff. I've pretty much entirely quit vaping. yeah I switched to nic pouches instead but after two years that shit it's so nice and a small victory
#the catalyst was when really when i was out in the field with my professor/mentor/one of my favorite people#and she was like “is that a juul?” and i was just. so embarrassed. vaping feels so embarrasing especially since im almost 30 lmfao#ive been meaning to quit for a while and my boyfriend started using zyns and similar products and i was like okay fine. maybe ill try them#and theyre SO MUCH BETTER and its still nicotine but the cancer chances are so much lower#plus its more discreet and therefore less embarrassing#its all about harm reduction babey#now when people pick up zyns when they dont already use nic because theyre a mental stimulant.... thats bad. please dont its so addictive#i never shojld have started nicotine but im working on reducing the mg content and one day itll be off my back#its also so much nuch harder to quit when i have so much going on with school and work and i cant afford to be pissy and withdrawing ugh#anyways time to go write my neandertal paper
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