daydrinking75

[daydrinking75]

im desired but rarely am i understood

[daydrinking75]

i find myself missing someone ive never met

[daydrinking75]

self portrait with charcoal :)

[daydrinking75]

if you can live your life without being beautiful, you should do it

[daydrinking75]

ooo my stress management style? i repeatedly run myself into the ground until i pass out 🫶🏻

[daydrinking75]

my body is changing and im existentially horrified by it

[daydrinking75]

i was born with a very flexible spine, however it makes me rather spineless

[daydrinking75]

so im ace now? or demi idfk

[daydrinking75]

weird genshin nastolgia but despite being so juvenile it is SO goddamn philosophical and people care about it with such genuine sincerity that it inspires me to be more than a heartless bitch. like. how dare you make me care about the little cringy people on the screen theyre weird.

[daydrinking75]

no you dont understand i need to use "i feel" statements for myself so i can understand that im the one feeling the emotion

so like ik it doesnt come from the abyss or some shit

[daydrinking75]

noise cancelling headphones arent enough i need to stand 5 feet away from a nuclear blast

[daydrinking75]

cracking my neck is not enough i need to be hung from the gallows

[daydrinking75]

im becoming more comfortable with being myself

[daydrinking75]

Do you think they realize how much cooler that makes it sound?

Like. I'm not even an apotheosis type of guy. But you do know that makes it sound so much cooler right?

[daydrinking75]

is disco elysium good like recommend good?

whats the point of putting on mascara if i cry it off anyway

[daydrinking75]

"looking for a third 🥰"

ok im looking for a gun to blow my brains out so i dont have to be around fake bitches like you

[daydrinking75]

"are you afraid to be yourself?"

".....

...

yes"

"im terrified, terrified of it.

it scares me and feeds my depression and anxiety and whatever bullshit's in my brain i don't care anymore

of course im terrified

some of these thoughts are genuinely horrific

i didnt ask for them, to have them, to think

but im forced to sit and watch.

like a trainwreck with a plane crash landing on top of it and a commet behind that

and all i cant do is cry

a foreigner in my own brain

what is this place? why is everything so terribly sad yet violent?

i dont want to go here

but thats where i live

and will live

until i die

and im not me anymore

im just cosmic dust

perfectly balanced in every capacity, entwined with nature

but never myself

so dont fuck it up.

im rather harsh on myself about it

i guess its like talking to voices is voices were just vague feelings, and you've learned to give them a voice a method of communication to understand them better

but its just a voice

so like...?

because i've already dreamt of it

and really im in charge here, so i dont see why i should be subservient to an egoistic premonition of the future when nothing is certain, when the universe is chaotic?

this isnt some kind of usurp of my ego but more like a

redistribution of matter

haha

i had to, sorry

but really if yourself and your shame are both you then all you are doing is transphring some kind of energy (or attention or power or whatever)

those two parts aren't antagonistic towards one another

well they are

but they are also in an inherit partnership.

fear and guilt and shame

and all those things that keep me chained to this mentality

they are inasmuch me as everything inside me that wants to be free

thats why i believe that shame is a natural response to individuation made to hold us back from transcending the self.

now we cant all melt into one very large very grotesque piece of flesh

but we should be able to somehow psychologically be able to bypass out consciousness and dive into the collective unconscious even briefly

my thoughts are that its overwhelming; the ego is like a dam

that keeps the ocean from washing away a proverbial Atlantis

but i thirst and long for water

to be embraced by it once more

far back in evolution

when i was a reptail

thats what i mean

it cradles me like a child forever in this cosmic amniotic fluid

i hear a baby crying

but i know its not real

every now and then i have auditory hallucinations

every now and then they make me cry

sometimes laugh

depends on the day

i will swim out i think, in some kind of dive suit

though i want to feel it on my skin

i think id disintegrate

and i will stay a while

its a lovely view

and before i go

at some point or another

would you kill me?

answer honestly,

please