#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate

[nomairuins]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[prettywordsyouleft]

Re-inspired

Pairing: Kim Jinhwan x reader

Genre: mild angst / romance / artist au

Warnings: alcohol, struggle with self-worth and inspiration

Word count: 3117

He had spent all day painting. The signs were visible, splatters of different hues staining his fingers and forearms from the vigorous effort, and exhaustion was evident through his limbs, barely moving now as he worked on the painting in front of him. Before, he was frantically laying down colour, beating at the canvas with his tools and unleashing a fervour that conflicted with his emotions. He felt raw and the artwork exhibited that, the colours mixing together in a way that was rushed and uncaring. His original subject was somewhere lost under the layers and when Jihwan finally stopped working on the piece, it made sense it was gone.

Because that’s how he was now.

Staring at the canvas for some time, he knew he was frustrated but he didn’t need his artwork to show him that. As an artist, it was a given that his emotions would appear in his works. They always had. This was the fifth canvas this month with the same destructive pattern though. The intention of something magical started him off eager and ambitious to see it through but it always got lost in the haze of anger, frustration or pain. The canvas mirrored his inner emotions too well.

Jinhwan was close to losing it all.

Earlier this year, things were looking up for him. Jinhwan’s work was featured in magazines and galleries frequently and he had sold many pieces worldwide. He was living the life he had always dreamed of, working day and night to maintain it, creating pieces that spoke of optimism, happiness and bright energy. It was crazy just how quick the fall was though. With success like Jinhwan’s, he garnered attention from other artists, all adopting similar styles. At first, it was respectful, he felt honoured by their pieces.

Until Misa came into the scene. She took his style entirely, copying his iconic looks and promoting them as her own style. Although she was a newer artist to the Korean industry, she had a backing that Jinhwan didn’t.

Money.

When interviewed, she was adamant that others were copying her when in fact, he had never experienced such disrespect from another artist before until she crashed through, taking his art style along with her. And whilst he had been successful in his own right, Misa became the household name. Her artwork appeared in Korean dramas, in variety shows and the entertainment industry as a whole seemed very Misa orientated.

It crushed Jinhwan’s muse when someone called his work Misa-esque.

Since then he had struggled. He tried to find a new style, something that he would fight harder to keep this time around. But day and night passed by, all with the same types of destructive and uninspired work. He had lost his drive to paint with passion and used exertion instead. And whilst it made him feel good, in the end, it only damaged him further. It was self-inflicted torture.

But quitting wasn’t an option for him either. Jinhwan had nothing but his artwork.

Sitting on the floor staring at his latest creation, he felt nothing but despair screaming back at him. He needed help rediscovering his muse.

That help came unexpectedly.

“Open uppppppp!”

Blinking, he looked up from his bowl of cereal and frowned, he wasn’t expecting any visitors today. However, the banging on his gate didn’t stop and he finally stepped outside to check who was there, stopping to grab the clumsily thrown fist before it hit him now that the door was gone. He stared, he knew you.

“Oh! It’s opened!” you enthused, smiling too widely for six in the morning. “I’m so tired.”

“Ah, Y/N-ssi you need to go home.”

You nodded over energetically and then grinned. “I am homeeee.”

“No, you need to go upstairs. Then you’re home,” he corrected, gently turning you to face the steps. Your face scrunched up in disgust and you pointed before shaking your head.

“Ew, no more stairs.”

“Do you want me to get your mother? You seem a little drunk,” he asked and you gasped in horror, grabbing at his shirt to balance as you swayed.

“I’m drunk?!”

“You seem it.”

You thought for a moment. “Oh.”

“Stay here and I’ll get your mother,” he offered again and went to step around you to climb up to your house but you dove too quickly into his yard, giving him some anxiety about you going in there alone. Jinhwan hesitated at the gateway before darting after you, finding you already inside his small home and touching everything.

“Ohhh this is so pretty, what does it do?” you asked when he found you and he gasped, grabbing the trinket from you before you dropped it. This freed up your hands to move on to something else and for a good five minutes, he ran after you as you giggled and explored. And then he’d had enough.

“STOP!” You froze on the spot and turned to stare wide-eyed at him, Jinhwan panting at the outburst. Taking a deep breath, he pointed to the door. “You need to go home, Y/N-ssi.”

“I’m so tired though,” you admitted and moved to his bed in the adjoining room, sprawling out immediately. Jinhwan dropped what he was holding and moved to you frantically, yanking on you to get up. You groaned but it wasn’t long until he heard your snoring.

Sighing heavily, he sat down beside you and wondered if he should just let you rest or not. He was hesitant until you grabbed onto his hand. You clung to him as if you needed him and for the first time since everything had gone wrong, he felt comforted.

He would let you rest.

When you woke, you were in the arms of a man. It was disorientating, your head thumped and you winced when you blinked at the sunlight now filtering directly onto your face. Turning, you buried into his embrace, basking in the warmth of his body.

It was dangerous to enjoy something about someone you didn’t know.

When you lifted your head to examine him, you realised you did know him, a soft gasp falling from your mouth.

He was your neighbour.

Jinhwan wasn’t someone you spent a lot of time with. He seemed to like being by himself but he was usually pleasant to converse with if you met on the steps outside his house, and you always felt like there was more you wanted to learn about him.

Had you done so whilst intoxicated? You were thankfully still decently clothed but his shirt was missing. It bothered you that you had no memory of getting here.

Yet there was another part of you that didn’t care either. He felt protective. You were safe.

What you had tried to drink away was the one thing you did remember, the sounds of wedding bells still ringing in your ears as you watched him smile at his bride and not at you.

Why you had even gone to your first love’s wedding, you weren’t sure. But it was obvious just how alone you were in the world, everyone around you all happy being loved up. You wanted someone to love you too but you were too busy looking after your ailing mother and trying to keep writing in between. Your work suffered because you were exhausted and too stuck in routine. Even your imagination held no excitement these days, dreaming of the life you were living every day over and over.

So to end up in Jinhwan’s arms was somewhat of a welcomed break from the daily ritual.

All the same you, couldn’t keep laying here. It was no doubt late into the afternoon with how the sun was blazing through his pathetic excuse of curtains, and your mother would no doubt be worried. Gently easing yourself out of his arms, you left him a note before you left the house, heading up to check on your mother. She was asleep herself and when she did wake up, she was too out of it to realise you had been gone all night and morning long.

You were tired of not being considered by anyone.

Later that evening, you made your way back down to Jinhwan’s home, knocking on his gate and hoping he was in still. The lights were on, but no one answered. Feeling strangely confident, you entered the yard and gently called out at the opened front door, stepping up into his home. You heard faint music but nothing else and hesitated, half wondering if he would consider you an intruder after how intimate it felt when you woke up. But you were too far in already and the meal you had portioned up for him was hotter the longer you held onto the container so you stepped in, calling out his name a few times. You placed the food down on his kitchen counter, tsking a little at the state of his home. You clearly hadn’t noticed that when you were leaving earlier on. Just as you were about to clean up out of habit, you heard a cough behind you and spun around, lifting your hand up in greeting awkwardly.

It felt odd to look at him now, with a shirt on; the stains of paint on his fingers that you were certain weren’t there when you roused earlier. Your own cheeks were painted pink under his gaze and you chewed your lip momentarily until you remembered why you were there. “Ah! I made you dinner.”

“I thought I smelt something delicious,” he mentioned, his eyes not leaving yours. It made you wonder if it was the food or you he was referring to. He finally looked away and smiled at the food. “Bulgogi?”

“It was something quick to make,” you mentioned, gesturing to the food in an awkward manner. “To say thank you and sorry.”

“It’s me who should thank you,” he mentioned and you frowned, your mind rolling back to the afternoon. His shirtless body reappeared and you swallowed, wondering if you did something about how lonely you felt. You clasped your head, it hurt trying to remember everything. Jinhwan grinned. “Don’t worry, we didn’t do anything much.”

“Much?” you repeated and it was his turn to seem shy, your eyes intently watching as he played with his lips nervously. You stared at them for the longest moment until you gasped, you were certain you had kissed them.

He noticed your realisation. “You told me I was the best kisser you’ve ever met. I’m flattered.”

“I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be,” he assured you, smiling before popping some of the food into his mouth. He pointed his chopsticks at you. “This is amazing.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you, I went to a wedding yesterday and-”

“It was uh, me who kissed you.”

You blinked.

“You kept saying about how no one liked you or saw anything in you. I know I shouldn’t have since you were drunk but I could tell you really believed that. It’s not true, you’re beautiful, Y/N. Those people, they don’t deserve someone like you.”

“And you do?” you blurted out, shaking your hand to instantly refute your insinuation.

“I’ve always liked you but I didn’t want to make us awkward neighbours if I messed up.”

His confession confused you. How would he mess up? It seemed unlikely. Jinhwan was handsome, thoughtful and kind. Originally he had seemed aloof but you had quickly realised he was just anxious around strangers, his warm personality making you smile every time. It made you edge closer as if you would find something to dislodge your otherwise positive thoughts of him. You washed your eyes over him, his body wasn’t too defined but he wasn’t slight either and his arms were your favourite. You glanced at his hands and instinctively took one, smiling at the speckles of paint. You were both artists in your own ways; he could draw what you wrote with words. His hands were important to him. As you glanced up into his eyes, you realised he was doing his own silent evaluation and was closer than he had been before too. Who had moved? Was it you or had he wanted to get into your space again, remembering how good you felt in his arms too?

“You needed me,” he mentioned softly and you nodded. It was true, drunk or not, you had felt comfortable enough to rest in his arms. And when you woke up, you weren’t upset. You had relied on him and he had taken care of you. Jinhwan smiled. “I needed you too.”

“Were you lonely?” He smiled and reached to brush the hair away from your face. His hand then fell to your cheek and you smiled, relishing in his touch. It seemed to signal a desire that both of you were feeling and he shifted so his body was pressing into yours, making you eye his lips hungrily.

He smirked. “Are you just going to stare?”

Your lips crashed onto his and it was an instant eruption, your hands went to his neck and his were around your waist whilst his lips kissed you with such a demand you hadn’t ever experienced before. Movements became heated and soon you were shedding layers, gasping when his hands found your bra clasps and fumbled to undo them. It made you reach around to help him after you had removed his shirt, panting a little at how fast this was going. You blinked a few times as he stared at you, his lips full from the kisses already.

“What?” he asked and you smiled, letting your bra fall down from your body. His eyes struggled to maintain your gaze, inching down to soak in your skin and yet it was as if he hadn’t received your permission yet. You glanced around you and noticed his meal, stupidly considering the food you had made him.

“Weren’t you hungry?”

He took you back in his arms then, his hands shaky until he clasped at your hips. He licked his lips and he looked entirely starved. “I have to focus on this hunger first.”

His lips were back on yours, dragging you towards the bed in his home, removing the remnants of both your clothing before feasting on your body entirely.

Jinhwan sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, watching as you slept again. He hadn’t meant for the lovemaking session to last so long but when you fell asleep against him whilst talking about everything that had been happening between you both, he didn’t want to disturb you to send you home. He had gotten another neighbour to check on your mother and when he heard she was fine, he allowed you to rest for as long as you needed. You were exhausted.

He could tell your tiredness wasn’t just from how much energy you had both used up in getting to know each other intimately but from the way you were living your life. It wasn’t easy for you, nursing your mother whilst you were so young and otherwise alone. He had often helped you when he could but it was never enough and it was apparent you were getting further out of touch with the world, your writing no doubt being your only friend these days. He knew that feeling and hoped you hadn’t been facing the same torture from your creative medium as he had.

It was funny how clarity arrived when he held you in his arms. When you had kissed him back the night before, he knew he loved you. It didn’t feel like he was using you for his own needs and even after sleeping with one another, it felt natural to consider you as his kindred spirit, as someone who was walking a similar path in this cruel world. Your sombre appearance matched his, even if you both attempted to hide it from one another behind your smiles. It made him realise he could smile at you with all his emotions showing and you would relate.

It had been this that spurred him to reach for his sketch pad and pencil, drawing you in the way he saw you. He showed your exhaustion in the drawing but focused more on your restrained potential, the beauty that you held on the inside. Of course, to him you were beautiful on the outside too but your heart and mind, they had him truly captivated. By the time he was almost done you had stirred, blinking a couple of times before finding him at the end of the bed.

You sat up and pulled the blankets up with you, giving him an inquisitive look. “What are you doing?”

“Drawing.”

“Me?” He nodded and you gasped, your hand flying to your hair.

Jinhwan chuckled. “Your hair looks worse now that you’re not pressed into the pillows.”

“Oh my god, you need to stop!”

“No.”

“Show me then,” you bartered and he sighed, turning the artwork to face you. For a moment you stared quietly and then you smiled. “That’s not me.”

“Who is it then?” he wondered, looking back at the composition. He smiled; this was the first piece of artwork he could truly appreciate since everything went downhill.

“She’s too beautiful to be me,” you uttered and he dropped the pad, crawling up to your side and smiled at you.

“You look like that to me.”

“Worthy of something so wonderful?” you questioned and Jinhwan nodded. “It’s your love drunk state from what we got up to last night.”

“No, you’ve always looked like this to me,” he reiterated and kissed you tenderly, your eyes dropping to the sketch when he pulled away.

“Really?”

“You inspired me to draw again,” he told you and you smiled, cupping his face in your hands.

“I dreamed of you.”

“We need each other,” he surmised and you nodded earnestly, reaching for his lips again. After several kisses, he picked up the sketch pad to finish his drawing as you settled into his arms. You watched quietly and he felt inspired whilst holding you, focusing on your heart he had drawn through your chest, shading it lightly before he held up the sketch.

“Will I get to be your model more often?” you asked softly and he kissed your shoulder and hummed positively.

“This is the first piece I’ve completed in three months without hiding it behind a wall of whatever I felt. This is the first time I’ve seen my subject remain visible.”

“I’ve thought of something to write into my next chapter of my book,” you told him and he smiled, kissing your shoulder again.

“We’re re-inspired now.”

_________________

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