mortalisangelus

[mortalisangelus]

Everywhere you go i hope you know you're never alone.

Summary:

A female perspective on dealing with love, losing people, growing up and the effects one person can have in the space of a year while navigating complicated families, mental health, and education.

A teen girls admittance of bottled up emotions in the form of a one sided conversation addressed to a boy who will never know her feelings. Her feelings for him is the start of a realisation and year long journey of growth, anger and feminine frustration.

TW - underage drinking, talks of abuse, depression, anxiety, mature topics

Chapter 1: Unexplained explanation

I hate you so much but I can’t stop thinking about you. At first you were only a name I heard from my friend, well my best friend at the time, Flossie. She would talk about you non-stop and I think it’s because she liked you a lot. Most the stuff she said about you was kinda negative. I read somewhere that when people constantly bring up someone in a way to put them down, when the person hasn’t done anything, it’s usually because they like them and are trying to find ways to talk about that person without raising suspicion. I’m not entirely sure on the validity of that, but I’m half convinced there’s some truth behind that idea. Anyways, I heard about you before I even met you. You and my friend had some sort of thing going on between You two, if it was romantic I cannot say for sure but I have a strong inclination it was. I don’t think you would have ever been right for each other, you were both too different. I remember her talking about the arguments you’d have, it’s a good thing you were never together. Perhaps I say that selfishly, but I remember thinking that before I ever met you. Although nothing happened and you two moved on,I don’t think she ever did, and maybe you didn’t either. That’s not something I’ll ever know. Well, either way the truth is there’s something about you that entices people in but you’re too noncommittal to ever let people satisfy their curiosity.

You’re a Handsome man and you know you are and you receive plenty of attention, you know how to play up your allure, annoyingly. Your demeanour and your looks match each other well, but your personality is one that surprised me at first. All I knew of you before I met you was a second hand impression attached with pictures I’d seen on social media. From what I’d been told you were some sort of player, with this aloof arty in a writer type of way, with some angsty attitude somewhere in the mix. The trouble is knowing things about you from someone else meant I knew things you never told me and maybe for personal reasons. I feel bad about it now, although at the time I was only listening to a new story my friend had, what could be wrong with that? The more I got to know you on my own I felt like we had more and more in common. In fact I found you to be a really diligent and smart person, with a secret soft side. My friend told me about your past and about how your sister made false allegations of abuse against you and your dad, causing your family to drift apart. You made it very clear that you didn’t like your sister, which, to be honest came off slightly weird as you never disclosed this to anyone else. Knowing the deeper reason I can sympathise, especially as a similar situation happened with me. I never told you this but my brother was physically abusive to me, my sisters and mum. On multiple occasions the police had to get involved. This is something I’ve never really told anyone and I know you’ll never know this but I just wanted you to know I get it. I’m sorry I know about it.

In reality it’s silly how much of an impact you’ve had on me, I keep talking about how before I met you but I’ve only ever actually met you in person a handful of time. Most of the time we spoke it was via text or message embarrassingly on Snapchat, oh and there was lots of calls on Facetime. I can remember every time I met you and all the thoughts I had and my feelings around those times. I’ve known you for just over a year; you’ve changed my life greatly in that time, but for you? It’s like I entered and left yours without any evidence I was ever there. I have so many things I wanna say to you or admit to you but I can’t and never will. I’ve never met someone who has made me so upset, happy, confused, and frustrated all at once. My situation that adds a secondary layer to my friendship to you is confusing but makes a little bit of sense of all that went on, what I felt and maybe still feel. This is a layer I need to explore in words for myself as I write this. I speak addressing you in this, but I hope you understand this is more an exercise for me. I need to make sense of who I’ve been over the last year or so, and let myself move on emotionally from a part of my life that I can’t figure out. A map of the times we met, our calls, you, what everything meant to me. A route to understanding my place as a woman, and the helplessness I feel.

It’s not all your fault, but I’d like to at least hear you say “I’m sorry”, Benji.

[mortalisangelus]

from the outside in

Having love and passion for things is what really drives a lot of people, especially in terms of career paths. Well I guess maybe more so in theory. I think most people end up in the career they are in for the sake of having a job, or pick a degree because they don't mind it and not because they are truly passionate about it. Not everyone gets their dream job, but i'm still jealous of those who are studying to do things they are passionate about or in an industry that suits who they are as a person and their desires. Even more jealous of those who are good at what they enjoy. Which makes me question, if you aren't good at what you love, do you really love it? I hope not. I guess it maybe because you haven't had the right opportunities to grow your skills.

This might all be teenage confusion about the future, but wanting to do something you love is a desire at any age, right?. It's like those elderly dementia patients, who can remember the words to a favourite song or the choreography to the a dance they did from way back when they were performers. Humans are I suppose at some level somewhat hedonistic, it makes sense to want to do things that produce happiness for you.

I hate and love social media for this reason. People use it as a self expression, or build communities and create a portfolio in some sense. this allows people to get into a career of what they want. However, ignoring the obvious downsides of the internet, i can't help but to dislike it when i see others living happily doing what they have a passion for, i'm happy that people can do that, yet i'm spiteful. I wish that was me. I wish I was good enough at what brings me happiness to make it a living but im not. In reality I probably know nothing about the subjects at all and I dont have the chance to grow my knowledge fast enough. online people feed you an idea that because I did it you can do it to, but it doesn't work out like that for most. so here I am left looking at the screen looking at my aspirations being achieved by others.

I know that i'm being pessimistic and this isn't entirely true and that there are options or whatever. I do however believe that things will work out in the end, which i'm not actually sure I do believe when I think about it for too long. I think we need little sentiments like that sometimes to make things seem worthwhile. I know this isn't a new feeling to anyone, and in the grand scheme of things its a bit trivial but I cant help to think about lost opportunities or feel a little stuck. is anything worth it if it means very little to us and who we are?