#and i keep not taking my antidepressants
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what if i’m crazy and evil and i don’t know. what if there’s something wrong with me. the guy i’m dating uses tumblr so now i use tumblr. the guy i’m dating drinks and does drugs but i still don’t do those things yet
#wlw#HEEELPP!!! HELP MEEE#I HAVE THREE WHITE ROOMMATES AND I WINCE WHENEVER I REMEMBER THEY EXIST#I AM BARELY ALIVE BUT I STILL HAVE TO PUT UP A FRONT FOR THIS GUY BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME#I’M SCARED I’M NOT MEANT FOR COLLEGE OR LIFE IN THE CITY!!!#I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN TO ONE CONCERT!!#I HAVE TO EMERGENCY WITHDRAW!!#I HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER!! OHHHHH#chat is it over for me#i miss when my life was hard in an easy way#now it’s hard in a real way#i missed tumblr a little#i need more real life friends#but my whole life feels very fragile. like if i try to set up here the foundation is gonna crumble and it’ll all break#and all the consequences to things are soooo much worse#and i spend too long in bed#and i keep not taking my antidepressants#and the guy i’m dating doesn’t know i’m a system#because what i’ve realized is that that freaks people the fuck out#he knows. he does know#but does he Know? he can read about it online but when he sees it in real life will he leave? will i find another him?#i hold onto people like a crab hanging from one of its claws until i have something else to hold onto#because being by myself feels like being in free fall#if he leaves will i have someone else to hold on to? the answer is probably no#so my grip has to be kinda unrelenting#and i have to change my shape a little. keep that close#i’m the type of guy to get into a terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible relationship and just stay#and stay and stay no matter what because what if this is the best i’ll get? whenever i’m with someone it never feels Bad#it always feels so good. it always feels perfect like#30th tag means i need to get outta here. if you’re reading this for some reason 🤨 i love you
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God what is up with all the complaining. I’m asexual, I don’t read smut at all. You know what I do? I scroll. Omg crazy. I’m also not thin, not girly, I have short hair, i use a wheelchair. What do I do when I read a description that doesn’t entirely suit me? I skim over it and replace it with my features. Not everything is catered to you. If you want it to be, write it yourself! Feel so bad for the authors that spend so much time writing these fics just for others to nitpick. It’s giving bean soup.
#ellie x reader#Ellie Williams x reader#x reader#TLOU#what do you mean I ran to Ellie? I can do that? 😱#I sobbed in her arms? I haven’t cried since I started taking antidepressants ten years ago#I know it’s hard to keep things fully neutral when you want to be descriptive#as long as you aren’t adding like ‘my white pale skin and naturally white blonde hair’ kinda thing lol
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#I know antidepressants will still leave u with high and low days but idk even then my energy and productivity levels#havent been the same as they were last year or the year before that. before i got on them#so is it not an issue with mental health? wtf is it then 😭#im getting less comms now which is good bc i used to do 30 chibis per month#but now it takes me twice as long to do em bc my energy is so low.#so in making less money bc i dont have enough time to take More....#i dont knowwwwww. whats happened to me....#talkys#its also not even just work burn out...ive also felt the ''loss of interest in things u enjoy'' not just with drawing but with#journaling which ive done consistently for a few years now#i still make myself do it for memory keeping but it feels like a chore. i dont like that. it doesnt feel right#*also clarifying less comms is a good thing i raised prices so id get less!#im saying its bad bc youd think getting less wld leave me with more time for. more comms or literally anything else. but no.#my doctor always says med dosage is up to me like dude idk. im stupid. and scared
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filled with dread i need to get up i wanted to take a nap ive been luing in bed for an hour its such a nice day out i want to clean my room and do my schoolwork and feel alive but i just feel so so scared and tired
#started having a panic attack last night and did not complete the cycle of it#bc i realized i was freaking out over nothing so i think maybe my brain is just like. hung up#i dont know. i keep shedding hair everywhere and its either because#im not eating properly or im constantly stressed over literally nothing#i feel actually honest to god out of body. like what do i even do. i have got to get back on my antidepressant i think adderall alone#is not cutting it#and i keep forgetting to even take that!!#forgetting or dreading the idea of swallowing pills so bad#that i just avoid it until its too late in the day#its already too late in the day today
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session number 2 today of talking to my therapist about glee alksjfsdklfs we talked about other stuff beforehand so i didnt get to give her the full recap of s2 we only got up to original song. i skipped comeback completely and was like "hmm i dont wanna talk about that one" and she's like "that's okay <3" but yeah i was like angrily recapping grilled cheesus and duets and such and making her hate finn lmao. she said she loved rocky horror and john stamos so she liked hearing about those parts. and she gasped when i told her about karofsky kissing kurt. it was a fun session lol
#glee#my thoughts#the whole thing is like#taking an intrusive thought that keeps plaguing you and putting it away and instead focusing on something good that you like#so for me its glee alksjfksld#and it hasnt worked in a “i think about bad thing then immediately think about glee which is good thing”#but like “i think about bad thing then immediately think about telling my therapist about glee which is funny thing”#so i guess it still works lmao#but she had to ask if my antidepressants were working and i had to be like idfk bc ive been sick since the day i got them#im on too many antibiotics and now steroids and prescription nasal spray to tell if ive been less depressed laksjfksdl
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how can i convince the school psychiatrist to give me more antidepressants
#i have 3 pills left from 8 months ago i keep saving them for just incase#as if 3 pills is gonna do anything#yeah idk i was prescribed them by the school gp then i saw the psych a week later and he told me#meds arent the solution to everything (ok true) you have to make changes yourself as well (ok true)#anyway i dont think your depression is the main problem so just keep taking adhd meds i think if u fix the adhd your depression will go away#(???). then he also told me to touch more grass and get sun light and exercise#then told me to stop taking my antidepressants#so i dont have anymore#(?) help?#i touched grass today so why do i still want to kill myself. chat explain
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You kneel before my throne not realizing that it's built off of manic episodes and antidepressants
#shitpost#big mood#actually autistic#adhd#adhd problems#audhd#audhd problems#autism#actually adhd#adhd brain#adhd things#autistic things#actually audhd#audhd things#my antidepressants are the only thing keeping me going#and half the time i dont even remember to take them#rip#i suck at remembering
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sure id like to redo my childhood but that'd also mean trying to survive the school system again and i barely got out of that
#ama mumbles#i graduated with a below 3 gpa i was not wining at school#tho tbh up to like junior year i had an average gpa i just tanked it bc i didnt do a project bc i got hyper focused on dragon age#if i redid it i would just make my mom keep me in ballet and probably also take gymnastics#and to take me to get antidepressants in middle school instead of wallowing in that
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The things I am mad about and the things I cannot control are perfectly overlapping circles
#there’s things I’m mad about things I wish I could have changed#it’s done. it’s over#I hope I can finally fall asleep and no longer be haunted by the things that keep me up at night#I’m doing okay. could be better could be worse as well#I should be taking my antidepressants but I feel worse on them
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Projecting my headaches to Nova cuz I can't suffer alone
#guys its not going well#i feel like im about to pass out every time i stand up#i dont think i can even draw rn#i have headaches all day long and Tylenol is not doing SHIT#also i drink water dw#its been like one day since ive been a month clean and i already feel like fucking relapsing im done#also my sis keeps bullying me but thats everyday stuff#istg im not okay#at least i take antidepressants which liek helps a bit cuz istg im about to hang from the ceilin#anyways#send asks receiving asks makes me happy :D#m00n talks#vent stuff#tw vent
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And i already have tardive dyskinesia from all the antipsychotics ive been poisoned with over the years so i hate the idea of taking new meds
#i feel like antipsychotics literally melted my brain#im on a few antidepressants but idk if they even work but ive just been on them for so long its easier to just keep taking it#than taking a chance with stopping
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I feel like a thief
#tomorrow is my second day at a local con#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times#i couldnt even help well because of how sick i felt and kept making messes#and like. i know this is mostly because i had to forcefully lower my daily antidepressant dose cuz im running out of pills so im trying#to ride it out without making a scene#but i want to die so much. i dont want to go back so my friends will have more space and wont have a disastrous person making everything#more stressful#i feel like such a piece of absolute shit for selling things today. i should have sold it all at a lower price. i should have gifted it#i feel like i should give back the money to as many people as i can#im such a fucking thief i cant live with myself. and i keep stealing from everyone by continuing to go sell at cons#im unable to get picked for anything because im sure everyone must notice what a sham i am. i want to jump into a train or from a tall place#if im in pieces i cant have all the horrible thoughts telling me what a shameful conman i am#the way i keep trying with all this is so selfish. im taking spots that could be better used in other people#im wasting everyones time and money#i jsut want to starve and suffer because i dont deserve such basic needs but if i do my body immediately gets sick#from how weak it is. i will just be an ever bigger burden if i do that. i just want to suffer and atone for my horrible existance#haunted.txt
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🦋
#'could you even last a day w/o the pills your psych doc gives you?'#we are not going to sit here&pretend that these pills dont contain my literal psychosis from seeping out into the world#&taking anyone in my vacinity down w me in a VERY fun ball of fire LMAO.#like dont get me wrong-- the implication here was that i need antidepressants or antianxiety meds&those are things that ppl absolutely#do need to survive. like the comment from the floor up was fucking bullshit.#but like. specifically for me these pills keep me from enacting profoundly violent intrusive thoughts or binging my own mania#to the detriment of everyone around me lmao.#v. much a 'im not stuck in here w you. YOU are all stuck in here with ME' moment lmao.
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Currently writing swap AU where Kim is just himself on hard mode. Like he wakes up in a clean, normal room, puts on the same outfit as always and doesn't tell anyone he's forgotten everything until Harry wheedles it out of him by badgering him for One Singe Secret (he cant remember any).
He then goes outside and points a gun at a civilian over a perceived threat.
#also he has a preexisting speed problem but because of the way he has a speed problem#(keeps a set number of pills in a little days of the week pill caddy with his ptsd medication)#he assumes they're like antidepressants or something#and just. keeps taking them? and it doesn't come up till after the tribunal?#also all the political alignments are variations on him going “no... that's too extreme... give me something reasonable”#and then going to a Fantasy Labour Party debate on how to reach across the isle to revacholean nationalists#or meeting with a group of small business owners to share finance tips and deductible loopholes. all of it feels hollow.#He also doesn't put on glasses for the first six to eight in-game hours#until Garte (who is cool with him because he pays his bills on time and hasn't caused a fuss) finally cracks and asks where they went#anyway its not going anywhere but im having fun#(pushes his career slider backwards)(raises the unfair treatment bar)#(tweaks the dials on his workaholic and repression meters to “worse”)(drives “need for control” display into the red)#(flips harry switch from “most fucked up man alive” to “somewhat better but still not doing well by any stretch of the imagination”)#ive done it ive made a version of this that I would enjoy#one of his thought projects is trying to write a facts and logic debunking of the insulindian phasmid#the solution is “it isn't real because its silly. im going to stop thinking about this now because I am solving a murder.”#+physique: no longer expending energy on debating dream logic#-morale: couldn't come up with a comprehensive refutation for giant stick bugs#harry hasn't gone full Tequila Sunset drives-my-car-into-the-sea but he has gotten pissed and told everyone to fuck off for three days
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I mostly dont care about retail/service workers being unprofessional or whatever but something about this pharmacy tech today having the gall and audacity to try and tell me what meds i should be taking with whilst not even taking her fuckin airpods out.........i felt some kind of rage ive never experienced before
#This pharmacy has almost completely changed staff in the past 3 months and its soooooo much worse#When it comes to like someone working on the salesfloor i genuinely dont care 99% of the time im not asking for help anyways#Keep your airpods in godspeed i hope your shift ends soon#But this little blonde bitch sitting here telling me 'well vyvanse and adderall arent really interchangeable'#Sorry are you my doctor?#Was that you I drove 30 mins to see yesterday?#Has it been you this whole time?#You know all my medical history and how my brain works and my reactions to different substances??#My apologies maam I didnt realize#And maybe being off my meds has me a little on edge and irritable#(it does)#But that just pissed me off so much like if you wanna play doctor at least take your fucking airpods out#Idc if that makes me a karen or whatever#I just need to be on a fucking stimulant i dont care which one and neither should you#Seeing as you are not me nor a part of my albeit limited medical team#You are some random pharmacy tech fresh out of college you dont know me or my brain#Now im rambling i really just wanna go off on her and her ugly little boss too#Trying to tell me what kind of antidepressants i can take and 'you should double check with your doctor'#Sir please kill yourself#Its the way he says it too like 'um no you shouldnt be taking it like that. idiot'#Okay well how about I do and you dont concern yourself with it!!!! Fugly cunt!!!!!!!!#You cant even keep my fucking medication in stock how about you worry about that first!!!!#God im sorry im not doing well#I shouldve been asleep 2 hours ago#😁😁😁
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it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse
#sometimes i get so violently jealous of people who have good relationships with their moms#and who can go to their mom with any problem and just get a hug and some good advice#or even just reassurance that it will be okay#like my mom came over for a couple hours and i literally told her yesterday about how depressed i am#and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants#so why tf did she think i was in any frame of mind to be nagged for two hours straight about logistics and plans for the future#like. i don't have any bandwidth right now!!! for anything!!! take the fucking hint!!!#i ended up bursting into tears and telling her to either knock it off or get out of my house and. well. she left! so#my dad is usually my supportive parent but he's dealing with such bad depression and burnout of his own rn#that i can't really go to him with anything cause he's at capacity and i don't want to stress him out#just. im tired I'm so fucking tired im exhausted there's too much to worry about and she came over and put like twenty more things#on my plate#and tried to pick fights#and i just. idk. i wish i could rely on her. but i can't and i know that and IDK why i keep trying#delete later
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