#and i keep not taking my antidepressants
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goldenleafly · 25 days ago
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what if i’m crazy and evil and i don’t know. what if there’s something wrong with me. the guy i’m dating uses tumblr so now i use tumblr. the guy i’m dating drinks and does drugs but i still don’t do those things yet
#wlw#HEEELPP!!! HELP MEEE#I HAVE THREE WHITE ROOMMATES AND I WINCE WHENEVER I REMEMBER THEY EXIST#I AM BARELY ALIVE BUT I STILL HAVE TO PUT UP A FRONT FOR THIS GUY BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME#I’M SCARED I’M NOT MEANT FOR COLLEGE OR LIFE IN THE CITY!!!#I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN TO ONE CONCERT!!#I HAVE TO EMERGENCY WITHDRAW!!#I HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER!! OHHHHH#chat is it over for me#i miss when my life was hard in an easy way#now it’s hard in a real way#i missed tumblr a little#i need more real life friends#but my whole life feels very fragile. like if i try to set up here the foundation is gonna crumble and it’ll all break#and all the consequences to things are soooo much worse#and i spend too long in bed#and i keep not taking my antidepressants#and the guy i’m dating doesn’t know i’m a system#because what i’ve realized is that that freaks people the fuck out#he knows. he does know#but does he Know? he can read about it online but when he sees it in real life will he leave? will i find another him?#i hold onto people like a crab hanging from one of its claws until i have something else to hold onto#because being by myself feels like being in free fall#if he leaves will i have someone else to hold on to? the answer is probably no#so my grip has to be kinda unrelenting#and i have to change my shape a little. keep that close#i’m the type of guy to get into a terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible relationship and just stay#and stay and stay no matter what because what if this is the best i’ll get? whenever i’m with someone it never feels Bad#it always feels so good. it always feels perfect like#30th tag means i need to get outta here. if you’re reading this for some reason 🤨 i love you
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lululesbiann · 9 months ago
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God what is up with all the complaining. I’m asexual, I don’t read smut at all. You know what I do? I scroll. Omg crazy. I’m also not thin, not girly, I have short hair, i use a wheelchair. What do I do when I read a description that doesn’t entirely suit me? I skim over it and replace it with my features. Not everything is catered to you. If you want it to be, write it yourself! Feel so bad for the authors that spend so much time writing these fics just for others to nitpick. It’s giving bean soup.
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skunkes · 2 months ago
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phogay · 3 months ago
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filled with dread i need to get up i wanted to take a nap ive been luing in bed for an hour its such a nice day out i want to clean my room and do my schoolwork and feel alive but i just feel so so scared and tired
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angelhummel · 6 months ago
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session number 2 today of talking to my therapist about glee alksjfsdklfs we talked about other stuff beforehand so i didnt get to give her the full recap of s2 we only got up to original song. i skipped comeback completely and was like "hmm i dont wanna talk about that one" and she's like "that's okay <3" but yeah i was like angrily recapping grilled cheesus and duets and such and making her hate finn lmao. she said she loved rocky horror and john stamos so she liked hearing about those parts. and she gasped when i told her about karofsky kissing kurt. it was a fun session lol
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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moreover-clover · 9 months ago
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You kneel before my throne not realizing that it's built off of manic episodes and antidepressants
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threnodians · 19 days ago
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honestly because i live in new york the repercussions of him winning won’t effect me as much as they would if i lived in a red state
i am still absolutely terrified of him somehow making it so that states don’t have insurance because without it i will, literally, die but new york is one of the best states to live in besides maybe california with this outcome
i have been desperately searching for a roommate/roommates to escape my conservative republican father’s house that i am currently stuck and rotting in so if anyone wants to move to ny hmu and we can get an apartment together lmao (i’m not joking because all of my prospective roommates the past 10 years have fucked me over for various reasons)
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amatres · 1 month ago
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sure id like to redo my childhood but that'd also mean trying to survive the school system again and i barely got out of that
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readyfreddy · 1 month ago
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The things I am mad about and the things I cannot control are perfectly overlapping circles
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fruity-legos · 1 month ago
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Projecting my headaches to Nova cuz I can't suffer alone
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xalatath · 3 months ago
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And i already have tardive dyskinesia from all the antipsychotics ive been poisoned with over the years so i hate the idea of taking new meds
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tortademaracuya · 4 months ago
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I feel like a thief
#tomorrow is my second day at a local con#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times#i couldnt even help well because of how sick i felt and kept making messes#and like. i know this is mostly because i had to forcefully lower my daily antidepressant dose cuz im running out of pills so im trying#to ride it out without making a scene#but i want to die so much. i dont want to go back so my friends will have more space and wont have a disastrous person making everything#more stressful#i feel like such a piece of absolute shit for selling things today. i should have sold it all at a lower price. i should have gifted it#i feel like i should give back the money to as many people as i can#im such a fucking thief i cant live with myself. and i keep stealing from everyone by continuing to go sell at cons#im unable to get picked for anything because im sure everyone must notice what a sham i am. i want to jump into a train or from a tall place#if im in pieces i cant have all the horrible thoughts telling me what a shameful conman i am#the way i keep trying with all this is so selfish. im taking spots that could be better used in other people#im wasting everyones time and money#i jsut want to starve and suffer because i dont deserve such basic needs but if i do my body immediately gets sick#from how weak it is. i will just be an ever bigger burden if i do that. i just want to suffer and atone for my horrible existance#haunted.txt
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jvzebel-x · 6 months ago
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🦋
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harrowharkwife · 10 months ago
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it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse
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ghost-in-a-cup · 1 year ago
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i started taking antidepressants yesterday and im being so brave about it !!! <- endless suffering
darling i am so very proud of you and you are being extremely brave!!!! i love you so so much and remember to tell your doc about any side effects and many antidepressants are available and you can switch around if this one isn't the best for you! i love you i am extremely proud and you are always in my heart
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