#and i keep not taking my antidepressants
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what if i’m crazy and evil and i don’t know. what if there’s something wrong with me. the guy i’m dating uses tumblr so now i use tumblr. the guy i’m dating drinks and does drugs but i still don’t do those things yet
#wlw#HEEELPP!!! HELP MEEE#I HAVE THREE WHITE ROOMMATES AND I WINCE WHENEVER I REMEMBER THEY EXIST#I AM BARELY ALIVE BUT I STILL HAVE TO PUT UP A FRONT FOR THIS GUY BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME#I’M SCARED I’M NOT MEANT FOR COLLEGE OR LIFE IN THE CITY!!!#I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN TO ONE CONCERT!!#I HAVE TO EMERGENCY WITHDRAW!!#I HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER!! OHHHHH#chat is it over for me#i miss when my life was hard in an easy way#now it’s hard in a real way#i missed tumblr a little#i need more real life friends#but my whole life feels very fragile. like if i try to set up here the foundation is gonna crumble and it’ll all break#and all the consequences to things are soooo much worse#and i spend too long in bed#and i keep not taking my antidepressants#and the guy i’m dating doesn’t know i’m a system#because what i’ve realized is that that freaks people the fuck out#he knows. he does know#but does he Know? he can read about it online but when he sees it in real life will he leave? will i find another him?#i hold onto people like a crab hanging from one of its claws until i have something else to hold onto#because being by myself feels like being in free fall#if he leaves will i have someone else to hold on to? the answer is probably no#so my grip has to be kinda unrelenting#and i have to change my shape a little. keep that close#i’m the type of guy to get into a terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible relationship and just stay#and stay and stay no matter what because what if this is the best i’ll get? whenever i’m with someone it never feels Bad#it always feels so good. it always feels perfect like#30th tag means i need to get outta here. if you’re reading this for some reason 🤨 i love you
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God what is up with all the complaining. I’m asexual, I don’t read smut at all. You know what I do? I scroll. Omg crazy. I’m also not thin, not girly, I have short hair, i use a wheelchair. What do I do when I read a description that doesn’t entirely suit me? I skim over it and replace it with my features. Not everything is catered to you. If you want it to be, write it yourself! Feel so bad for the authors that spend so much time writing these fics just for others to nitpick. It’s giving bean soup.
#ellie x reader#Ellie Williams x reader#x reader#TLOU#what do you mean I ran to Ellie? I can do that? 😱#I sobbed in her arms? I haven’t cried since I started taking antidepressants ten years ago#I know it’s hard to keep things fully neutral when you want to be descriptive#as long as you aren’t adding like ‘my white pale skin and naturally white blonde hair’ kinda thing lol
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#I know antidepressants will still leave u with high and low days but idk even then my energy and productivity levels#havent been the same as they were last year or the year before that. before i got on them#so is it not an issue with mental health? wtf is it then 😭#im getting less comms now which is good bc i used to do 30 chibis per month#but now it takes me twice as long to do em bc my energy is so low.#so in making less money bc i dont have enough time to take More....#i dont knowwwwww. whats happened to me....#talkys#its also not even just work burn out...ive also felt the ''loss of interest in things u enjoy'' not just with drawing but with#journaling which ive done consistently for a few years now#i still make myself do it for memory keeping but it feels like a chore. i dont like that. it doesnt feel right#*also clarifying less comms is a good thing i raised prices so id get less!#im saying its bad bc youd think getting less wld leave me with more time for. more comms or literally anything else. but no.#my doctor always says med dosage is up to me like dude idk. im stupid. and scared
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filled with dread i need to get up i wanted to take a nap ive been luing in bed for an hour its such a nice day out i want to clean my room and do my schoolwork and feel alive but i just feel so so scared and tired
#started having a panic attack last night and did not complete the cycle of it#bc i realized i was freaking out over nothing so i think maybe my brain is just like. hung up#i dont know. i keep shedding hair everywhere and its either because#im not eating properly or im constantly stressed over literally nothing#i feel actually honest to god out of body. like what do i even do. i have got to get back on my antidepressant i think adderall alone#is not cutting it#and i keep forgetting to even take that!!#forgetting or dreading the idea of swallowing pills so bad#that i just avoid it until its too late in the day#its already too late in the day today
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session number 2 today of talking to my therapist about glee alksjfsdklfs we talked about other stuff beforehand so i didnt get to give her the full recap of s2 we only got up to original song. i skipped comeback completely and was like "hmm i dont wanna talk about that one" and she's like "that's okay <3" but yeah i was like angrily recapping grilled cheesus and duets and such and making her hate finn lmao. she said she loved rocky horror and john stamos so she liked hearing about those parts. and she gasped when i told her about karofsky kissing kurt. it was a fun session lol
#glee#my thoughts#the whole thing is like#taking an intrusive thought that keeps plaguing you and putting it away and instead focusing on something good that you like#so for me its glee alksjfksld#and it hasnt worked in a “i think about bad thing then immediately think about glee which is good thing”#but like “i think about bad thing then immediately think about telling my therapist about glee which is funny thing”#so i guess it still works lmao#but she had to ask if my antidepressants were working and i had to be like idfk bc ive been sick since the day i got them#im on too many antibiotics and now steroids and prescription nasal spray to tell if ive been less depressed laksjfksdl
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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You kneel before my throne not realizing that it's built off of manic episodes and antidepressants
#shitpost#big mood#actually autistic#adhd#adhd problems#audhd#audhd problems#autism#actually adhd#adhd brain#adhd things#autistic things#actually audhd#audhd things#my antidepressants are the only thing keeping me going#and half the time i dont even remember to take them#rip#i suck at remembering
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honestly because i live in new york the repercussions of him winning won’t effect me as much as they would if i lived in a red state
i am still absolutely terrified of him somehow making it so that states don’t have insurance because without it i will, literally, die but new york is one of the best states to live in besides maybe california with this outcome
i have been desperately searching for a roommate/roommates to escape my conservative republican father’s house that i am currently stuck and rotting in so if anyone wants to move to ny hmu and we can get an apartment together lmao (i’m not joking because all of my prospective roommates the past 10 years have fucked me over for various reasons)
#⟡ — kayleigh’s yapping#i wish that i was exaggerating when i keep stating that i will die if my medicaid/nys insurance gets taken away#but as a chronically ill and mentally ill person who takes 7 medications that literally keep me alive i’m fucked if that happens#i haven’t paid more than like $6 max in total when i pick up all of those medications at the same time#i have never had a copay or anything either#if i stop taking my antidepressants and immunosuppressants i will die ✌🏻
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sure id like to redo my childhood but that'd also mean trying to survive the school system again and i barely got out of that
#ama mumbles#i graduated with a below 3 gpa i was not wining at school#tho tbh up to like junior year i had an average gpa i just tanked it bc i didnt do a project bc i got hyper focused on dragon age#if i redid it i would just make my mom keep me in ballet and probably also take gymnastics#and to take me to get antidepressants in middle school instead of wallowing in that
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The things I am mad about and the things I cannot control are perfectly overlapping circles
#there’s things I’m mad about things I wish I could have changed#it’s done. it’s over#I hope I can finally fall asleep and no longer be haunted by the things that keep me up at night#I’m doing okay. could be better could be worse as well#I should be taking my antidepressants but I feel worse on them
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Projecting my headaches to Nova cuz I can't suffer alone
#guys its not going well#i feel like im about to pass out every time i stand up#i dont think i can even draw rn#i have headaches all day long and Tylenol is not doing SHIT#also i drink water dw#its been like one day since ive been a month clean and i already feel like fucking relapsing im done#also my sis keeps bullying me but thats everyday stuff#istg im not okay#at least i take antidepressants which liek helps a bit cuz istg im about to hang from the ceilin#anyways#send asks receiving asks makes me happy :D#m00n talks#vent stuff#tw vent
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And i already have tardive dyskinesia from all the antipsychotics ive been poisoned with over the years so i hate the idea of taking new meds
#i feel like antipsychotics literally melted my brain#im on a few antidepressants but idk if they even work but ive just been on them for so long its easier to just keep taking it#than taking a chance with stopping
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I feel like a thief
#tomorrow is my second day at a local con#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times#i couldnt even help well because of how sick i felt and kept making messes#and like. i know this is mostly because i had to forcefully lower my daily antidepressant dose cuz im running out of pills so im trying#to ride it out without making a scene#but i want to die so much. i dont want to go back so my friends will have more space and wont have a disastrous person making everything#more stressful#i feel like such a piece of absolute shit for selling things today. i should have sold it all at a lower price. i should have gifted it#i feel like i should give back the money to as many people as i can#im such a fucking thief i cant live with myself. and i keep stealing from everyone by continuing to go sell at cons#im unable to get picked for anything because im sure everyone must notice what a sham i am. i want to jump into a train or from a tall place#if im in pieces i cant have all the horrible thoughts telling me what a shameful conman i am#the way i keep trying with all this is so selfish. im taking spots that could be better used in other people#im wasting everyones time and money#i jsut want to starve and suffer because i dont deserve such basic needs but if i do my body immediately gets sick#from how weak it is. i will just be an ever bigger burden if i do that. i just want to suffer and atone for my horrible existance#haunted.txt
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it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse
#sometimes i get so violently jealous of people who have good relationships with their moms#and who can go to their mom with any problem and just get a hug and some good advice#or even just reassurance that it will be okay#like my mom came over for a couple hours and i literally told her yesterday about how depressed i am#and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants#so why tf did she think i was in any frame of mind to be nagged for two hours straight about logistics and plans for the future#like. i don't have any bandwidth right now!!! for anything!!! take the fucking hint!!!#i ended up bursting into tears and telling her to either knock it off or get out of my house and. well. she left! so#my dad is usually my supportive parent but he's dealing with such bad depression and burnout of his own rn#that i can't really go to him with anything cause he's at capacity and i don't want to stress him out#just. im tired I'm so fucking tired im exhausted there's too much to worry about and she came over and put like twenty more things#on my plate#and tried to pick fights#and i just. idk. i wish i could rely on her. but i can't and i know that and IDK why i keep trying#delete later
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i started taking antidepressants yesterday and im being so brave about it !!! <- endless suffering
darling i am so very proud of you and you are being extremely brave!!!! i love you so so much and remember to tell your doc about any side effects and many antidepressants are available and you can switch around if this one isn't the best for you! i love you i am extremely proud and you are always in my heart
#personal experience i like my antidepressants#cause i sometimes miss taking them and i realise oh this is why i take them#im on ssris so any side effects havent affected me much#there will be an adjustment period and keep some nice juices with you it makes you dehydrated a lot#i am so very proud i cannot say that enough#of you as a person#you are very undescribable emotions friend to me i feel like words arent enough#words arent enough i need to bite you and headbutt you#dearest friend#asks
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🦋
#'could you even last a day w/o the pills your psych doc gives you?'#we are not going to sit here&pretend that these pills dont contain my literal psychosis from seeping out into the world#&taking anyone in my vacinity down w me in a VERY fun ball of fire LMAO.#like dont get me wrong-- the implication here was that i need antidepressants or antianxiety meds&those are things that ppl absolutely#do need to survive. like the comment from the floor up was fucking bullshit.#but like. specifically for me these pills keep me from enacting profoundly violent intrusive thoughts or binging my own mania#to the detriment of everyone around me lmao.#v. much a 'im not stuck in here w you. YOU are all stuck in here with ME' moment lmao.
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